90 THOUSAND ROUBLES by Robert E. Lockney CAST MONSIEUR BOURDON The supervisor. Defensive. MONSIEUR PIGOLET Clerk. Trusting. Eager. MONSIEUR SAUTERELLE Clerk. Manipulative. Clever. MADEMOISELLE MINERAL The boss. Assertive. MADAME LYUBA RANEVSKAYA Beautiful, fortyish, tragic. JEAN The messenger. ACT I - A French Social Welfare office in Paris on a spring morning. It is the turn-of-the-century. ACT II - The same. Immediately following. ACT ONE The year is 1908 or thereabouts - Paris at the Turn-of-the- Century. The set is the cluttered office of the Paris Department of Social Welfare. The stage represents a waiting room and the business office attached. It is here that the A.L.M.S. program - Aid to Les Miserables is administered. One area of the stage consists of a booth with a small table and two chairs, one grander than the other, where applicants for assistance are being interviewed. Another playing area is around the desk of SUPERVISOR BOURDON and a third area is that of the desks of two clerks, PIGOLET and SAUTERELLE. These playing areas are set back so that the actors can spill over onto the forestage at their pleasure and they can be set in any order. For our purposes I have considered them to be arranged with the interview booth in the center and the other two desk areas to either side. To one side of the employees area, that of PIGOLET and SAUTERELLE, is a small table with a pitcher of water and a small glass. This is the water fountain - 1908 style. The balance of the stage can be filled, if needed, with additional desks on risers and working employees who have no lines, plus, an incredible clutter of case folders piled everywhere on the floor. If this is done, then MADEMOISELLE MINERAL can lead MINISTER FARFELU through the office, giving him a tour and introducing him to various employees, all in mime. It is a morning in spring as the workday begins. (At the rise of the curtain, the welfare office is empty. BOURDON, the supervisor, enters with a sheaf of papers in his hand. BOURDON picks up additional papers from his own desk and distributes the lot to the desks of PIGOLET and SAUTERELLE. BOURDON then takes his watch out and waits impatiently for his staff to arrive. PIGOLET, the conscientious employee, arrives briskly and on time.) PIGOLET Good Morning, Monsieur Bourdon. BOURDON Ah, Pigolet, Good morning. (PIGOLET goes to his desk and proceed with his paperwork in a methodical manner. BOURDON continues to wait impatiently. Finally, SAUTERELLE manages to straggle in and sneaks to his desk. When he sees BOURDON glaring at him he feigns that he is just getting up from his desk rather than sitting down and crosses to the employees drinking fountain.) BOURDON Good Morning, Sauterelle. SAUTERELLE Supervisor Bourdon, Good Morning. BOURDON Sauterelle, I would like to see you in my office. Now! (BOURDON proceed to his desk and sits there. He takes two ominous- looking folders from his desk. One is labeled "PIGOLET" the other is labeled "SAUTERELLE." A cringing SAUTERELLE approaches Bourdon's desk as PIGOLET clucks sympathetically. BOURDON puts the "Pigolet" folder away and deals with the "Sauterelle" folder. SAUTERELLE (Fawning.) Yes, Monsieur Bourdon, you wanted to see Sauterelle? BOURDON Sauterelle, you are aware, of course, that we open our doors to the public precisely on time? SAUTERELLE Oh, yes, of course, Supervisor Bourdon. BOURDON And, when that event happens, you as an employee are expected to be in your place at an identical moment. Is that not the case? SAUTERELLE Oh, indeed, Supervisor Bourdon. Indeed. BOURDON Then why, Sauterelle, are you in the habit of constantly arriving after that moment? SAUTERELLE This morning I could not . . . BOURDON Perhaps your clock is in error. SAUTERELLE My clock? yes, my clock . . . BOURDON I suggest that you set it correctly, Sauterelle. SAUTERELLE Of course, Monsieur Bourdon. BOURDON Else you may find that you have nothing but time on your hands to reflect upon your work habits. Do I make myself clear? SAUTERELLE Yes, Monsieur Bourdon. Absolutely Monsieur Bourdon. BOURDON That will be all, Sauterelle. SAUTERELLE Thank you, Monsieur Bourdon. Thank you. (SAUTERELLE returns to his desk making a painful face. BOURDON puts the folders away in his desk. He takes a teapot and a croissant from his desk, opens a copy of Le Figaro and settles back to enjoy life. SAUTERELLE gets up from his own desk and walks over to that of PIGOLET.) PIGOLET Ah, Sauterelle, Good morning. I trust that your discussion with Supervisor Bourdon was not too painful. SAUTERELLE The man is a pig. Pigolet, my good friend. You don't happen to have something to eat about you? PIGOLET I will look, my friend. SAUTERELLE You see before you a ruined man. I may be about to lose my employment. (PIGOLET searches his desk but finds nothing.) PIGOLET Not a thing, friend Sauterelle. SAUTERELLE Ruined and hungry. Some small something? A crumb? PIGOLET Sorry. You know, most of us eat breakfast before coming to work. SAUTERELLE I have had no opportunity, Pigolet. PIGOLET Why don't you ask Supervisor Bourdon. SAUTERELLE Bourdon? Are you mad? Do not tease Sauterelle. PIGOLET He may have a little something extra. SAUTERELLE (In disgust.) Bourdon would be pleased to let me starve to death in his presence. PIGOLET I don't believe that. SAUTERELLE While he feasted. PIGOLET Bourdon is a considerate man. Why else is he working here? SAUTERELLE You innocent! I envy you, Pigolet. PIGOLET Envy me? SAUTERELLE Organized. Self-sufficient. PIGOLET (Modestly.) No . . . no . . . SAUTERELLE No. I admire you - much better. PIGOLET (Modestly.) Enough, Sauterelle. SAUTERELLE You work hard. That is what counts in this world. PIGOLET True. SAUTERELLE And, most important - you are a believer. PIGOLET A believer? What is to believe? SAUTERELLE I wish that I could have such trust. PIGOLET Hah! You speak foolishness. SAUTERELLE (Heroically.) From now on - starting tomorrow, Sauterelle will be a changed man. PIGOLET Only tomorrow? SAUTERELLE No. Starting today. This moment. PIGOLET Changed? SAUTERELLE Changed. PIGOLET Somehow this has a familiar sound. SAUTERELLE I mean everything I say. PIGOLET Ah, I have it, you spoke these very words to me not two weeks ago. SAUTERELLE I did? PIGOLET And the change must be happening now. SAUTERELLE Yes. PIGOLET Is this the change for the better? SAUTERELLE Of course. I will be more like Pigolet. PIGOLET In what way, my good friend. SAUTERELLE Responsible. Sober. Industrious. PIGOLET This is a burden I may not be able to endure. SAUTERELLE Others will take notice. PIGOLET They may consider you sick, friend Sauterelle. You do look a little pale to me now that I take notice. SAUTERELLE Ah, Pigolet, you don't know what I went through last night. PIGOLET I have heard that before. SAUTERELLE It was enough to cause strong men to weep. PIGOLET Sauterelle, your excesses will be the death of you. SAUTERELLE This is different. Much different. PIGOLET What happened last night? SAUTERELLE I can't tell you. PIGOLET You can't tell me? Why did you bring the subject up? SAUTERELLE There are some things that must be kept confidential, Pigolet. PIGOLET That is not fair. SAUTERELLE There are well-known people who would be maligned. PIGOLET You have ruined my entire day with your gossip. SAUTERELLE Forgive me, my friend. PIGOLET I shall be wondering who these people are. SAUTERELLE These are things that you would not understand, Pigolet. It is better that you retain your innocence. PIGOLET My work will suffer. SAUTERELLE Pay no attention to Sauterelle. PIGOLET As you wish. SAUTERELLE However, I can see things as they really are. As they really and truly are. PIGOLET You are right. Forgive me for being curious. SAUTERELLE It is not often that one has a vision of eternity. PIGOLET Say no more. SAUTERELLE I went to the Ballet. PIGOLET You went where? SAUTERELLE The ballet . . . Tchaikovsky . . . PIGOLET You? A patron of the Ballet? SAUTERELLE Me. Yes. PIGOLET I don't believe it. I thought you hated Ballet. Especially Tchaikovsky. SAUTERELLE True. But I was seeing a dancer. PIGOLET All is now clear. SAUTERELLE A ballerina. Little Frou-Frou. PIGOLET I thought ballerinas were a little slender for your tastes. SAUTERELLE (Executing a step.) So graceful. Like this. PIGOLET Sautrelle, you continue to surprise me. SAUTERELLE She was a swan, or perhaps a goose. PIGOLET Don't you know? (SAUTERELLE executes a step while flapping his wings.) SAUTERELLE She was a bird of some kind. PIGOLET Ah, Sauterelle, you are in love. And with an artist. SAUTERELLE Love can be a painful thing, Pigolet. PIGOLET No wonder you are a changed man. Little what's-her-name has wrought a miracle. SAUTERELLE Frou-Frou. It was not to be. I was in love. I repeat the word "was." But no longer. PIGOLET (Disinterestedly.) My heart shares your sorrow, Sauterelle, do you have some blank paper? (SAUTERELLE hands PIGOLET a sheet of paper which PIGOLET inserts into a folder.) SAUTERELLE I have lost my faith in mankind. PIGOLET (Bored.) Yes? SAUTERELLE And in womankind. And in the arts. Especially Ballet. PIGOLET (Responding.) I see. Then she was too slender for your tastes. SAUTERELLE Not exactly. PIGOLET A pity that you did not consult first with your good friend Pigolet. SAUTERELLE (Posing.) You see before you the new Sautrelle. PIGOLET Your affection for the Ballet has taken a turn, eh? SAUTERELLE I will devote myself to my work. See? I am working. PIGOLET Commendable. Our Supervisor should witness this industrious attitude himself. SAUTERELLE He should. PIGOLET Somehow, little Frou-Frou has generated a miracle that Bourdon could never accomplish. SAUTERELLE Sauterelle will become a model for all to emulate. PIGOLET Good. SAUTERELLE No more drink. PIGOLET Yes? This is serious. SAUTERELLE No more gambling. PIGOLET Indeed. SAUTERELLE No more anything. Sober. Industrious. Dull. PIGOLET And cows will soon be able to fly. SAUTERELLE Not funny, Pigolet, my friend. Did you know that ballerinas have very strong legs? PIGOLET Of course. Common knowledge. SAUTERELLE Very strong legs. PIGOLET This is beginning to sound good. Did she grasp you with her thighs? SAUTERELLE (Illustrating.) Hah! She kicked me in a most sensitive spot. PIGOLET (Sympathetically.) My dear friend. My very dear friend. SAUTERELLE All because I made some minor remark about the taste of broiled swan. A harmless joke. PIGOLET Indeed, yes. SAUTERELLE I was trying to put her into a more receptive frame of mind. PIGOLET I understand. SAUTERELLE Instead I am badly injured. PIGOLET I understand and sympathize. SAUTERELLE I will never go to the ballet again. PIGOLET Quite right. SAUTERELLE (Folded hands.) I considered becoming a monk, but I don't like brown robes. PIGOLET I hear the food is terrible. SAUTERELLE (Limping.) You see how it is with me. I am in pain. Great pain. I can hardly walk. PIGOLET You are truly brave, friend Sauterelle. SAUTERELLE I may never have children. PIGOLET A mighty oak has fallen, my friend. And I know how much you will miss the company of beautiful women. SAUTERELLE Self-indulgent pleasures of the flesh. I renounce women. PIGOLET And your devotion to wine. SAUTERELLE Drink is the road to Hell. I renounce wine. PIGOLET All wine? (SAUTERELLE pours himself a glass of water from the employees drink- ing fountain.) SAUTERELLE From this moment onward, Sautrelle will drink only pure, honest water. PIGOLET I am impressed. (SAUTERELLE puts the pitcher and the glass on his own desk.) SAUTERELLE Except for ceremonial occasions, you understand. PIGOLET And the pleasures of gambling? SAUTERELLE Gambling is sinful, especially when you lose. I renounce losing. PIGOLET I am humble in your presence. SAUTERELLE Nevertheless, the new Sauterelle will plunge ahead into work. Just watch! PIGOLET Little Frou-Frou would be proud of her handiwork or rather her footwork. SAUTERELLE Again you are not funny, Pigolet. (JEAN enters with a stack of papers that he deposits on the desk of SAUTERELLE.) PIGOLET Ah, Jean, good morning. JEAN Good morning, Pigolet. Here, Sauterelle, you are on assignment today. These are your applications. SAUTERELLE What? On assignment? Me? JEAN You are Sauterelle are you not? PIGOLET You picked a good day to become a changed person. SAUTERELLE I have had no sleep, Jean. JEAN There are many people in the waiting room. The day has begun. PIGOLET A lesser man would take to drink. SAUTERELLE I cannot do all this. I have had no sleep and no breakfast. JEAN Don't complain to me. SAUTERELLE And I am a disabled man. Notice. JEAN These are all yours. I am only a messenger. Complain to Bourdon. PIGOLET Yes, Complain to Supervisor Bourdon. SAUTERELLE (In disgust.) Bourdon! JEAN Complain to the Director. Complain to the Minister of Welfare. PIGOLET Good. Good. Complain to Minister Farfelu. SAUTERELLE (Sarcastically.) Thank you, Pigolet. JEAN Pigolet, why is it that I have to be the recipient of all these complaints? PIGOLET It's beyond me, friend Jean. JEAN Everyone puts the blame on me. PIGOLET Everyone? JEAN Sauterelle, Bourdon, Mademoiselle Mineral they all blame poor Jean. PIGOLET Absolutely. You are greatly burdened, good friend Jean. But Pigolet does not complain. Take note. JEAN Quite right, Pigolet. SAUTERELLE I am not complaining. Just discussing. JEAN Sautrelle, you are like all the rest - complain - complain. Complain to God - but not to me. I am only doing my work. You do yours. (JEAN crosses over to the desk of SUPERVISOR BOURDON who is quietly drinking his tea. JEAN holds out an envelope.) PIGOLET Complain to Frou-Frou. (SAUTERELLE buries his face in his hands.) JEAN Supervisor Bourdon. BOURDON Yes? Must you interrupt me? JEAN A message. BOURDON I can see that. I am not blind. JEAN From Mademoiselle the Directeur. (BOURDON, becomes sweet, takes the message and reads it.) BOURDON Ah . . . Mademoiselle Mineral . . . Thank you, Jean . . . you may go. JEAN Monsieur. (JEAN exits. BOURDON returns to Le Figaro.) SAUTERELLE (To PIGOLET.) What do they expect of me? Pigolet, please take some of this on my behalf. PIGOLET I have my own work to do. SAUTERELLE But I am in pain. Right here. PIGOLET I have heard this before. You never repay your debt. SAUTERELLE You would throw a rock to help a drowning man. I am lost. I will be fired. PIGOLET You? What happened to your good intentions? SAUTERELLE Ha! That shows how little you know about the way of the world. PIGOLET What happened to the changed man for the better more like Pigolet and so on? SAUTERELLE The industrious are rewarded with more work. The indolent are promoted to higher positions. PIGOLET If that is true then you will eventually be my supervisor. SAUTERELLE Don't make fun of Sautrelle. L!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!R PIGOLET I hope that you will be kind and understanding. SAUTERELLE Pigolet, listen to your good friend One who loves you like a brother. Something tells me that Le Directeur is on the prowl for victims. Mademoiselle Mineral has great ambitions. PIGOLET I am pleased to be working next to the Director's personal friend. SAUTERELLE She seeks promotion. I hear this by my special grapevine. PIGOLET Grapevine? What nonsense. I, too, seek promotion. We all seek promotion. SAUTERELLE Ha! My special grapevine tells me that the Director plans to replace us all with ignorant applicants that walk in the front door asking for help. PIGOLET That is not a grapevine - that is a nut tree. SAUTERELLE We will be walking the streets in search of work. Listen to me. Sauterelle knows. PIGOLET You are mad. We are skilled persons. We cannot be replaced. SAUTERELLE There are hard times ahead. PIGOLET Who tells you this? Jean? SAUTERELLE I am not at liberty to say. I read this in little things. Certain people have been moved to other positions. Promotion has been given to the undeserving. It takes a practiced and skilled eye to understand the meaning of these movements. Sauterelle can read the signs. PIGOLET Enough! You have work to do and so have I. SAUTERELLE Soon, you and I will be coming in the front door asking for money. Begging like the rest. PIGOLET Foolish gossip. SAUTERELLE The ants do all the work and the grasshoppers get the reward. PIGOLET Yes, yes . . . (SAUTERELLE Leans against his desk in exhaustion.) SAUTERELLE When it comes - remember poor Sauterelle. Poor, exhausted Sau- terelle. My bones tell me this. PIGOLET If you would get to work and stop complaining, your bones would have better news. SAUTERELLE And I, who am the sole support of my poor aged mother who is dying of some obscure, incurable disease. PIGOLET I am not surprised. You attended her funeral only three months ago when it was raining. SAUTERELLE (Astounded.) I did? PIGOLET Few mothers survive such an experience. SAUTERELLE You can see what is happening - I am losing my mind. Pigolet, see that poor old Sauterelle is given decent burial. With roses. I like roses and lilies. The red for a full life and the white for a . . . . a pure character. PIGOLET The white for your devotion to Pouilly-Fuisse. All right. All right. I will convey your dying words to little Frou-Frou personally. Pray tell me where she dances. SAUTERELLE (Groaning.) Pigolet . . . Pigolet . . . Pigolet . . . PIGOLET Yes? SAUTERELLE See how my hands are shaking? (PIGOLET examines SAUTERELLE'S hands with a great deal of disbe- lief.) PIGOLET I see. SAUTERELLE Look at my eyes. Why, I can hardly walk. PIGOLET So I notice. SAUTERELLE Do you want your good friend Sauterelle to expire right in front of you? PIGOLET No. I will look the other way. SAUTERELLE (Groveling.) All right. So be it. I will go quietly and with dignity. Ohhh! PIGOLET Stop. I will help you one last time. I can't stand those groans of death. SAUTERELLE (Recovers.) My good friend. My dear friend. Pigolet, Salt of the Earth. PIGOLET Please, no tears, I will take . . . . SAUTERELLE (Eagerly.) Three . . . PIGOLET A single application. One and one only. It will not ruin me to take at least one. SAUTERELLE One? PIGOLET One. SAUTERELLE Just one? PIGOLET (With a shrug.) If you insist, none at all. SAUTERELLE Forgive me, my good friend, I am not ungrateful. It is my pain that is talking. I cannot thank you enough. Here, please take one of these. (SAUTERELLE hands PIGOLET a stack of the papers from his desk and PIGOLET selects one at random.) PIGOLET This one will do. I must remind you, Sauterelle, that I have a lot of my own work to do and this will only cause delay. SAUTERELLE I will tell Supervisor Bourdon of your generosity. PIGOLET Please do so. SAUTERELLE You will be commended, Pigolet. I am sure of it. PIGOLET We shall see. SAUTERELLE You are helping your good friend, Sauterelle. Thank you, my dear, dear, generous Pigolet. (PIGOLET exits taking his document with him into the waiting room. SAUTERELLE remains loafing at his desk as MADEMOISELLE MINERAL enters and goes to the desk of BOURDON.) MINERAL Bourdon! (BOURDON almost jumps out of his skin. He stands up in the presence of his Director.) BOURDON Mademoiselle Mineral, I was on my way to your office. MINERAL When I ask to see you, Bourdon, I do not mean at your conven- ience. BOURDON Mademoiselle Mineral, I assure you I was not engaged in delay. I planned to bring some documents. MINERAL When I want documents I will ask for documents, Bourdon. BOURDON A thousand pardons, Mademoiselle. MINERAL (She sits.) I have just come from a meeting with the Minister of Welfare, Bourdon. Oh! Those meetings make me ill. Monsieur Farfelu does not hold me in high regard. (When MADEMOISELLE sits then BOUR- DON can sit.) BOURDON Impossible! MINERAL He looks upon me as weak and ineffectual. My career is endan- gered. BOURDON Endangered? MINERAL It is not fair. After all I have done. They ask too much! BOURDON This cannot be. (Now angry, she gets up and BOURDON gets up also.) MINERAL Also . . . others covet my position. There has been gossip. BOURDON The wagging tongues of the jealous. Ignore them, Mademoiselle. L!!!R MINERAL My colleagues think of me as foolish. BOURDON It is they who are the fools, Mademoiselle. MINERAL It is hard to be a woman, Bourdon. BOURDON Mademoiselle does it so well. MINERAL Thank you, Bourdon, however, I must act to restore the respect of Minister Farfelu. BOURDON Consider it accomplished. MINERAL I should have joined the Foreign Legion. BOURDON Of course, Mademoiselle. MINERAL I am going to present a revolutionary concept to Minister Farfe- lu, Bourdon. We are going to hire everyone that walks in the front door and put them to work taking applications. Then we can get rid of all this expensive staff. BOURDON Everyone? MINERAL Everyone. Of course everyone. How else are we going to solve the problem of the poor? BOURDON I do not understand this reasoning, Mademoiselle. MINERAL Creative thinking, Bourdon. Move with the times. This is nineteen - eight. BOURDON The staff that will be dispensed with . . . does it include supervisors? MINERAL Of course not, Bourdon, or directors. BOURDON Mademoiselle is to be congratulated on her insight. MINERAL I will show them that Mineral can cut expenses. I can tighten up with the best and still do what must be done. BOURDON Exactly! MINERAL Now . . . I must fire someone, Bourdon, this is serious business. BOURDON Someone, Mademoiselle? MINERAL A clerk. Not anyone. But someone who deserves it, of course. BOURDON Of course. MINERAL You must understand, Bourdon that it is necessary for morale. Somewone has to be fired at intervals to insure discipline. BOURDON I would have it no other way. MINERAL But this should not be an irresponsible selection. BOURDON Unthinkable, Mademoiselle. MINERAL It should be well deserved. Someone . . . someone who is having difficulty with the interview process. A person who is behind in his work. . . well, that will be sufficient. BOURDON The interview process? MINERAL Yes. I should not have to draw you a picture, Bourdon. BOURDON An excellent, well considered, decision, Mademoiselle. I agree completely. I will give this my deepest thought. MINERAL Good. And . . .this is important, I don't want to have someone crying all over my desk. No tears. BOURDON No tears. Of course. MINERAL I can't stand tears. BOURDON I am certain that somewhere I can come up with an individual who will serve your purpose. MINERAL Give the name of that individual to Cleavage, my secretary, before the day is over. We must get rid of the dead wood, Bourdon, the rotten apples. BOURDON Naturally. It shall be as you wish, Mademoiselle. MINERAL When one hundred men cannot pull the cannon then fifty willing men must pull it. BOURDON Fifty? Oh, yes, fifty. MINERAL What fifty cannot do - then twenty-five must. And so on. Things are going to be rough around here, Bourdon. BOURDON I will do everything in my power, Mademoiselle, to assist you. MINERAL Very good, Bourdon. BOURDON The rougher it is, the better I like it. That is the philosophy of Bourdon. MINERAL I'm counting on you, Bourdon. I want you to know I appreciate the fine work that you have done for France. BOURDON Mademoiselle is too kind. MINERAL However, if things do not improve - you will be fired. BOURDON Fired? Me? MINERAL This is the real world, Bourdon. BOURDON Let me give this some thought, Mademoiselle Mineral. MINERAL I know you will come through, Bourdon. I will put a note of this conversation in your folder. A congratulatory note. BOURDON Thank you, Mademoiselle. (MINERAL makes a false exit.) MINERAL Aren't you putting on a little weight, Bourdon? BOURDON A touch. A touch. MINERAL You should eat more Fromage Blanc, Bourdon. (MADEMOISELLE MINERAL exits and BOURDON returns to his tea. SAUTER- ELLE remains relaxed at his desk. PIGOLET now returns with a numbered slip.) PIGOLET (Calling.) Number thirteen? Number thirteen? (MADAME LYUBA RANEVSKAYA enters with a flourish and her own slip of paper in her hand.) LYUBA Thirteen. I am number thirteen. (PIGOLET escorts LYUBA through the waiting area to the interview booth. LYUBA sweeps in regally and first seats herself in the master chair behind the table as if it were her rightful place. With effort, PIGOLET indicates that she is to have the lesser chair to one side and that the master chair is his. LYUBA takes the lesser chair with reluctance. PIGOLET takes about thirteen pounds of government forms from a drawer, adds them to the already massive pile on top and prepares to go to work. LYUBA immediately bursts into tears and sniffles into a ragged, lace hand- kerchief.) PIGOLET My name is Pigolet. Monsieur Pigolet. You are . . . you are . (PIGOLET searches through his papers, mixing and dropping his forms.) LYUBA I have come here for help. PIGOLET I know that, Madame. But I need to find your folder. LYUBA I am number thirteen. I hope it is not unlucky, Monsieur. PIGOLET No, no. Your name. What is it? LYUBA I beg your pardon, Monsieur? PIGOLET Didn't you sign something? LYUBA Oh, that. You may call me "Madame X." (PIGOLET continues to mix and drop his documents.) PIGOLET Yes. It should be here. I think they gave me the wrong folder. LYUBA I'm so ashamed. (PIGOLET extracts a folder with "Madame X" written on it.) PIGOLET If we could only hire decent people. Ah! Here it is! "Madame X." LYUBA (Weakly.) Yes . . . (Oozing charm, PIGOLET, spills more papers and seats himself.) PIGOLET Now I am here to help you, Madame. This office is engaged in administering the A.L.M.S. Program. Aid to Les Miserables. LYUBA I am so Miserables. PIGOLET Now, I will take Le Application and then we will see what we can do for you. Eh? LYUBA Yes, Monsieur. PIGOLET You realize that we have to ask a lot of questions which may seem personal but I am only following regulations. LYUBA (Tragically.) Welfare. It has come to this. PIGOLET Madame . . . (PIGOLET tries to hand her a large pen dripping with ink but she ignores him completely.) LYUBA (Weeping.) If my children ever found out . . . they must never find out, Monsieur. PIGOLET Madame. Le Application. Le Signature. LYUBA I would rather die than have to do this. PIGOLET We must start at the beginning, Madame. I need to know your full and complete name. LYUBA You have it. There. PIGOLET "Madame X" is insufficient for our purposes. LYUBA That's all I can give you. My name must be a secret. PIGOLET But, Madame . . . That is not your real name? LYUBA Of course not. If others knew - I would die of shame. PIGOLET I cannot proceed. I must have Madame's full name. LYUBA Impossible, Monsieur, I cannot tell you. PIGOLET But, Madame, the information you give me will be confined to these four walls. LYUBA If I told you my real name you would recognize it immediately. PIGOLET But, Madame . . . LYUBA My family is respectable, Monsieur, I do not wish them to know of the depths to which I have fallen. PIGOLET You make my task impossible. I may have to ask you to leave. LYUBA No, Monsieur, please. PIGOLET I have no other choice. LYUBA Alas, I am undone. PIGOLET This is business, Madame. LYUBA There is no hope for me. PIGOLET (Coldly.) Good morning, Madame. LYUBA (With a sob.) All right. I yield. My name is Ranevskaya. Madame Lyuba Ranevskaya. PIGOLET (Writing.) "Lyuba Ranevskaya." I will write it in here. LYUBA (In despair.) Now, everyone will know. (SAUTERELLE, who is goofing off at his desk, fires up a cigarette.) PIGOLET I hope I have spelled it correctly. LYUBA (Disappointed.) You are not familiar with the name, Monsieur? PIGOLET It is a Russian name is it not? LYUBA I am well-known in many parts of Paris. The better parts. PIGOLET Of course. Now, we have to investigate Madame's resources. LYUBA I have none. PIGOLET Most people have far more resources than they realize. Now, where is Madame living? LYUBA (With a cry.) Living? PIGOLET Yes, your address. LYUBA You want to pry into my life. No! PIGOLET Yes, Madame. I mean "no" I do not mean to pry. LYUBA You cannot know this. No, no, no. PIGOLET Madame Ranevskaya, you must have an address. You must be living somewhere. LYUBA Monsieur . . .er . . . PIGOLET Pigolet. LYUBA Pigolet. . .Monsieur, My family. My children. My reputation. (SAUTERELLE, who is still smoking a cigarette, looks around for an ash tray, there is none, so he taps his cigarette ashes out absent-mindedly in the water pitcher sitting on his desk. He does this several times.) PIGOLET They are all safe with Pigolet. Where did Madame stay last night? LYUBA My darling Anya. She must never know. PIGOLET We must press on, Madame. There are many blanks on this document to be filled. LYUBA (Evasively.) Monsieur is relentless. I am but a helpless pawn in your grasp. PIGOLET Please, where has Madame been living? LYUBA Living? Must I tell you? PIGOLET Yes. LYUBA Rue de la Grenouille Chaude. Number 42. PIGOLET (Writing.) "42 Rue de la Grenouille Chaude". Alone? Do you own the house? LYUBA Alone? Yes. Of course alone. I have no one. I own nothing. PIGOLET (Sympathetically.) I see . . . LYUBA I am penniless, Monsieur. I have nowhere to go for help. PIGOLET You have come to the proper place, Madame. LYUBA (Relaxing.) Thank you, Monsieur. I am so relieved. PIGOLET And how has Madame been paying her rent? LYUBA (Offended.) Monsieur! PIGOLET Yes, Madame. LYUBA What are you trying to imply? PIGOLET We are only investigating Madame's circumstances. LYUBA I cannot tell you these things. PIGOLET But we have to know this. See, there are places on this paper to fill in. LYUBA I want you to know, Monsieur Pigolet, that I am a lady - a respectable lady. PIGOLET I am certain of it, Madame. Even respectable ladies pay their rent. LYUBA Have I no secrets? PIGOLET It's very important. And necessary for the completion of this document. LYUBA I had a little money from my Great-Aunt in Jaraslavl. PIGOLET See. You have resources. LYUBA It is all gone. PIGOLET Now, that was not too painful, Madame, eh? LYUBA No. I am what you see before you, Monsieur. Destitute. PIGOLET This money, is it completely exhausted? LYUBA Yes. We spent it all. PIGOLET We? LYUBA (In panic.) No! No! I did not say that. I am going to choke. (LYUBA goes into convulsions.) PIGOLET Madame, please, calm yourself. What will I do? Stop. Please? Water . . . that's it, water. (PIGOLET runs out of the booth to get a glass of water and, natural- ly, as soon as he is gone, LYUBA recovers her composure. As PIGOLET runs out he passes the desk of SAUTRELLE who is still doing as little as possible.) PIGOLET (Continuing.) Sauterelle, if I ever get a chance to repay you . . . (Exit PIGOLET.) SAUTERELLE What, my good friend? Pigolet? Pigolet? (PIGOLET runs back in and takes the glass from SAUTERELLE'S desk. He fills it from the pitcher that SAUTRELLE has been using as an ashtray.) PIGOLET You will have cause to remember Pigolet. (PIGOLET returns to the interview booth and LYUBA with a glass of water in his hand. She is complete- ly recovered but he hands her the glass anyway which she delicately ignores and puts it on the table. You thought I was going to have PIGOLET drink it, didn't you?) PIGOLET (Continuing.) Madame, here . . . LYUBA Thank you, Monsieur Pigolet, you are too kind. PIGOLET Let us continue, Madame, but did you say "we" or "oui"? LYUBA (Moan.) I am disgraced. PIGOLET The money from your Great-Aunt, who spent it? LYUBA (Sob.) Myself and another. Most of the money went to doctors and they did no good whatsoever. Doctors! All they do is take your money. PIGOLET I can see that Madame has suffered much at the hands of fate. LYUBA Monsieur is too kind. PIGOLET (Earnestly.) However, I need a little clarification here. Who? What other? LYUBA Monsieur Pigolet, would you pry into a woman's deepest secrets? PIGOLET I just want to know the necessary items, Madame Ranevskaya. LYUBA I cannot tell you this. PIGOLET Madame, this is most important. LYUBA No, no, no. PIGOLET I want to help you, Madame. LYUBA (In tears.) You just want to tear my heart to shreds . . . It was . . . PIGOLET Yes . . .? LYUBA My family. They must never know. PIGOLET Not from Pigolet I assure you. LYUBA It was Monsieur Gaspillage. (PIGOLET writes this down on his form as LYUBA buries her head on the desk in abject sorrow, sob- bing.) PIGOLET "Monsieur Gaspillage." These are things that we must know. Don't take it personally. LYUBA (Recovering.) He died anyway. (PIGOLET lays down his pen in exasperation and he selects anoth- er form.) LYUBA (Continuing.) All my money went to his care. To his doctors. His medicine. PIGOLET Yes, Madame. (LYUBA exudes noble sacrifice.) LYUBA I cared for Monsieur Gaspillage in the past when he was ill. We were in love. PIGOLET Of course. LYUBA Then for some unexplained reason he got well. PIGOLET A tribute to the quality of your care, Madame. LYUBA Alas! As soon as he got well he left me for another woman and took all my money. PIGOLET I see . . . LYUBA I had to return to Russia. Was ever a woman so cursed? I had to live with my children. PIGOLET Exactly. Now, your children, can they provide any support? LYUBA Then Monsieur Gaspillage fell ill once more. PIGOLET Please, Madame, your children? LYUBA It was the hand of God. PIGOLET Madame . . . LYUBA You know, God has taken a personal interest in my affairs. He kept writing to me every day in Russia . . . PIGOLET Who did, Madame? LYUBA Monsieur Gaspillage did . . . Whom did you think? PIGOLET Ah! . . . Yes . . . LYUBA Begging . . . PIGOLET (Writing.) Ah . . . "Monsieur Gaspillage." We wouldn't want to charge responsibility to the wrong individual, now, would we? (PIGOLET laughs at his little joke. Needless to say, Madame has no sense of humor. In the meantime, SAUTERELLE, who has been loafing at his desk, looks up and tiptoes over to the inter- view booth to peek inside.) LYUBA Begging for my return. PIGOLET Naturally. Now, Madame, if you will please read . . . SAUTERELLE (Outside.) Pigolet . . . Pigolet . . . (PIGOLET gets up and goes outside the booth to confront SAUTERELLE.) PIGOLET (To her.) Excuse me, Madame. . . . (To him.) Do you want something, friend Sauterelle? SAUTERELLE Who is that beautiful woman? PIGOLET That is the application you gave to me. Ranevskaya. SAUTERELLE Pigolet, you are so lucky. Of all the ones to get - a beauty. PIGOLET Indeed she is. A difficult interview however. I am almost through. SAUTERELLE Perhaps you should take someone else and leave that one to me. I am better suited anyway. PIGOLET No, no, what's done is done. I have already started. The hard part is over. SAUTERELLE I am willing to take back the extra work. I thought you had too much to do. PIGOLET Why should I give this one back to you now that I have done all the work. Sauterelle, I know how you operate. SAUTERELLE (Offended.) I . . ? ? PIGOLET You would take advantage of your good friend, Pigolet. No, no, We shall be completed shortly. SAUTERELLE She is quite lovely. PIGOLET I thought you had sworn off these pleasures and were now above such commonplace attitudes. (SAUTRELLE takes a peek inside the booth again. LYUBA, who is used to being peeked at, nods modestly at SAUTERELLE who nods back.) SAUTERELLE That is not a commonplace woman. PIGOLET Indeed she is not. This I know for certain. SAUTERELLE She is very definitely my type. PIGOLET It is the Luck of the Draw, Sauterelle. SAUTERELLE Be reasonable, Pigolet. PIGOLET Fortune intended for me to take this application. I can see it clearly now. SAUTERELLE You are not thinking of our good friendship, Pigolet. You are indebted to Sauterelle. Remember that. PIGOLET How can I forget when you are here every day to remind me of my debt? SAUTERELLE And our friendship? Does our friendship mean nothing? I am deeply hurt. (SAUTERELLE walks a few paces back and forth.) PIGOLET What happened to your recent injury? Has a miracle of medicine occurred? (SAUTERELLE walks briskly about.) SAUTERELLE I have had time for some reflection, Pigolet. Perhaps little Frou-Frou's kick was not as hard as I had previously thought. PIGOLET I am happy for your children. SAUTERELLE After all she was only a member of the Corps de Ballet - not a prima ballerina - their muscles are much stronger. PIGOLET Of course . . . SAUTERELLE Perhaps I can handle all my assignments including this one. PIGOLET Ah, my friend, I have learned through experience. Not mine. Yours. It has been impossible for me to work beside you all this time without learning something about life. When fate deposits a sweet gift on your doorstep - well, you get the general idea. SAUTERELLE I see your answer is "no." PIGOLET My answer is "no." SAUTERELLE I will file a complaint. I will complain to Supervisor Bourdon. PIGOLET Go ahead. Bourdon will ignore your complaint. SAUTERELLE All right, I will skip Supervisor Bourdon and complain to the director herself - Mademoiselle Mineral. PIGOLET (Irritated.) Good. Complain to anyone you like. However, do not ask me to help you again with your work. SAUTERELLE We shall see, my friend. (SAUTERELLE exits without returning to his desk. PIGOLET returns to the inter view area and MADAME RANEV- SKAYA.) PIGOLET I beg your forgiveness, Madame Ranevskaya. A word of business. LYUBA (Weakly.) Yes, Monsieur. PIGOLET Now, if you will just please read this document. We will be through here in a very short time. (PIGOLET thrusts a document at her but she keeps ignoring him.) LYUBA I am just a slave to my emotions. PIGOLET Yes . . . LYUBA Monsieur Pigolet, am I not truly Les Miserables? PIGOLET That is what I am trying to determine, Madame. Now, if Madame will only read this document thoroughly. LYUBA Must I? PIGOLET It is important that you are aware of the requirements. LYUBA I know so little about legal matters. The world is so difficult. Listen once more to my story, Monsieur, it is most tragic. PIGOLET But, Madame . . . . LYUBA I came back to Paris and my love. I cared for him again. I nursed him. It was as before. PIGOLET This document, Madame? LYUBA Monsieur Gaspillage warned me about signing legal documents. I trusted him with everything. Now, I feel lost and alone. PIGOLET (Spluttering.) But . . . We cannot continue unless you cooperate. LYUBA I was so happy with Monsieur Gaspillage. Life was good. And then - he died. I have twice been deserted by the same man. Was ever a woman so foolish? PIGOLET Perhaps I should include that information. (PIGOLET writes again on his docu- ment.) LYUBA Now, I must throw myself on the mercy of yourself, Monsieur Pigolet. PIGOLET On the mercy of France, Madame. LYUBA (Weeps.) Whatever, Monsieur. PIGOLET Let us continue. I have limited time, Madame. You were not married to Monsieur Gaspillage? LYUBA We were in love. He was very ill. PIGOLET But, did he not provide for you? LYUBA Do you not understand love? PIGOLET (Irritation.) Madame, have you not considered some kind of employment? LYUBA (Offended.) Employment? Work? I will have you know, Monsieur, that I am Madame Lyuba Andreyevna Ranevskaya. I am not a peasant. PIGOLET But, Madame, did you have no plans for the future? How did you expect to live? LYUBA (Sweetly.) People have always been kind to me. PIGOLET Sacre! Does Madame not have relatives living in Russia? Cannot your children provide support? LYUBA I could never ask them for anything. I have my pride, Monsieur. PIGOLET But, Madame . . . LYUBA Our estates are all gone. Dos Vedanya! PIGOLET What estates? LYUBA The only thing left that I have to sell is my body. PIGOLET Please, Madame . . . LYUBA Unless you, Monsieur, can provide some help. PIGOLET Only if we can answer these questions, Madame. Now, let us proceed with the task at hand, eh? We have to explore your children as a resource. LYUBA (Sob.) No . . . PIGOLET We have to consider employment. LYUBA (Sob.) No . . . no . . . PIGOLET Perhaps Madame has some skill, that we can build upon. LYUBA I thought so. (She grabs the document that PIGO- LET is working on, crumples it up and throws it away.) LYUBA You want me to become a prostitute. That's what. A common tart. PIGOLET No, no, no. You misunderstand. LYUBA Have it your way. I yield. I will sell myself upon the street. You know, Toulouse-Lautrec and all that. Maybe I'll be painted. PIGOLET (Sarcastically.) That is not exactly what we mean by "employment," Madame. I do not wish to be too blunt, but I doubt that Madame is ready for that sort of life. LYUBA (Haughty.) Please make yourself clear. PIGOLET (Smoothing.) The boulevards are not for a person of your quality. LYUBA You are so right. Maxims! I shall work Maxims! PIGOLET Please. I protest. LYUBA It will be so dramatic. I will die tragically. Coughing . . Like this . . (She demonstrates.) PIGOLET I would like to point out to Madame that . . . this particular employment calls for a . . . Je Ne sais quoi? A certain savoir faire. Perhaps we should return to a review of your resources. You had an estate? LYUBA (In tears.) Not even a common streetwalker. My life is over. (SAUTERELLE re-enters in a trance- like state of bliss and goes to his desk.) PIGOLET Madame, I have a time limit. We must get on with this. LYUBA Proceed, Monsieur, I am agreeable to everything you say. PIGOLET I appreciate your attitude. However, Madame, there is one matter I wish to clarify with a colleague. A small matter of interpretation. I will be only a moment. Pray forgive me. (PIGOLET sticks his head out of the booth and sees SAUTERELLE.) LYUBA Yes, Monsieur. PIGOLET Sauterelle! A moment. Excuse me once more, Madame. (PIGOLET selects a folder from the table, we can assume that it is her case record as it has "Madame X" written on it in big letters.) LYUBA Of course, Monsieur, I have a lifetime at your disposal. (PIGOLET steps outside the booth to talk to SAUTERELLE. During this following sequence, PIGOLET keeps thrusting LYUBA'S folder at SAUTER- ELLE who ignores it completely.) PIGOLET Sauterelle, how did the director receive your complaint? SAUTERELLE My good friend, Pigolet, I did not see Mademoiselle Mineral. PIGOLET Ah. A man of character and a true friend. I am lucky to know you. SAUTERELLE I was only able to talk to the director's secretary. Her new secretary. PIGOLET My friend, I have reconsidered. SAUTERELLE No matter. PIGOLET It was wrong for me to keep the application you so kindly surrendered. I am covered with shame for having treated a good friend so badly. SAUTERELLE Perfectly all right, my friend. I was in error. PIGOLET I was not thinking of our good friendship. You were quite correct. SAUTERELLE (Reflectively.) Strange, how seemingly inconsequential events can affect your life. PIGOLET I can no longer be selfish. Madame Ranevskaya is yours. Let me give you her folder. SAUTERELLE Pigolet, I am a changed man. PIGOLET I know this, my good friend, and I approve. SAUTERELLE Truly changed. And for the good. PIGOLET Therefore you deserve to interview beautiful and charming Madame Ranevskaya. SAUTERELLE Have you see the new secretary to the director? PIGOLET I will now be able to live with myself once more. SAUTERELLE (In ecstasy.) I have spoken to her and she to me - Sauterelle. It was only for a short time but it was such an important short time. My life will be different because of it. PIGOLET (Grandly.) In the name of friendship - true friendship - I yield. SAUTERELLE What is the most important thing - or things - in this world, Pigolet? PIGOLET What? Important? Oh . . . self-sacrifice for a friend, which I am doing. SAUTERELLE Breasts, Pigolet, breasts. (PIGOLET has a sneaky suspicion that they are not on the same wave-length.) PIGOLET Breasts? Sauterelle, we are talking about true friendship. Breasts are commonplace. SAUTERELLE Not these. Soft, lovely, large, womanly, in short - bliss. PIGOLET Ah, yes, if that is what you like then you are absolutely right. For a moment I misunderstood. SAUTERELLE Ah. You agree with Sauterelle. PIGOLET And, for this reason I will return to you . . . this folder. SAUTERELLE Mademoiselle Cleavage has the correct number. PIGOLET I am glad. How many? Who? SAUTERELLE Two. I rise to salute them. PIGOLET Mademoiselle Cleavage? Who is Mademoiselle Cleavage? SAUTERELLE The director's new secretary. I am in love. Sauterelle is in love. PIGOLET I want to give you your application back. SAUTERELLE Mademoiselle Cleavage. When she was a child, she was flat- chested. She told me. PIGOLET (Irritated.) As are all children. Now listen, Sauterelle. SAUTERELLE And she prayed that she would develop. PIGOLET Sauterelle, we have work to do. Attend to me. SAUTERELLE She made an agreement with the Supreme Being - a pact. PIGOLET You are not listening to Pigolet! SAUTERELLE It's enough to make a man return to the church. PIGOLET How can you return to that which you never attended? SAUTERELLE The age of miracles has not passed. One could ask no better proof for the existence of God. (SAUTERELLE crosses himself.) PIGOLET You are going to become a monk. I protest. SAUTERELLE Not exactly. Thank you, my good friend Pigolet, for helping me with my work. PIGOLET But . . . SAUTERELLE I can never repay you sufficiently. April in Paris. Love. PIGOLET Sauterelle . . . SAUTERELLE It is the workings of fate as you stated. PIGOLET (Furious.) Love? April in Paris? You are as bad as Madame Ranaveskaya. Worse. Sauterelle, I am trying to do you a favor. SAUTERELLE I must find an excuse to talk to Mademoiselle Cleavage once more. Thank you for helping Sauterelle. PIGOLET Sauterelle . . . SAUTERELLE I am forever in your debt. PIGOLET But, Sauterelle, I am your good friend . . . (SAUTERELLE exits.) PIGOLET (Continuing.) Sacre Bleu! (A discouraged PIGOLET returns, with the folder, to the interview booth and MADAME RANEVSKAYA.) PIGOLET (Continuing.) Ah, Madame . . . LYUBA Monsieur Pigolet. PIGOLET (Forced smile.) Let us return to business, eh? I repeat. You had an estate in Russia? LYUBA Must we go over this once more. PIGOLET We have not been over this matter yet. Your estate? LYUBA We were heavily in debt. All my children . . . and my brother. There is Anya and Varya. PIGOLET (Writing.) "Anya and Varya." LYUBA Varya is now a housekeeper at Yashnevko. PIGOLET She is employed, then? LYUBA She knows how to run a household. So efficient. I could never do it. PIGOLET Excellent. Wonderful. Now, see, we are making progress. Varya is a source of help. And your daughter, Anya? How is she supported? LYUBA I could never take money from Varya. PIGOLET Daughter Anya? LYUBA Well, she is in school somewhere. Perhaps in Jaroslavl. PIGOLET Somewhere? Don't you know where your own child is being educated? LYUBA Varya always saw that the peasants were well fed. Even if it was only milk soup. PIGOLET Milk soup? I was asking about your daughter, Anya. LYUBA It is made of milk. PIGOLET In France we have our own soup. LYUBA Sometimes it was all the peasants had. PIGOLET Madame! We are not discussing soup. LYUBA We loved our peasants. We stopped whipping them years ago. PIGOLET I am relieved, Madame. I was asking about your daughter, Anya. How is she supported? LYUBA Anya was my darling. I loved her so much. And she loved old Firs. (PIGOLET looks back through his papers in vain.) PIGOLET Old Firs? LYUBA Old Firs was our manservant. Very ancient. Dead now. PIGOLET I do not wish to hear about old Firs, Madame. LYUBA Old Firs froze to death the winter I left Russia. PIGOLET But daughter, Anya? LYUBA It gets quite cold in Russia in the winter. PIGOLET I understand, Madame . . . LYUBA They wrote me. Poor Old Firs was found in the old house at Christmas. Frozen stiff. They had to drill a hole - straight down - the ground was so hard, and pound him in. PIGOLET Madame, attend to me . . . LYUBA If they had only waited until spring when the ground was thawed out, the ceremony would have been a proper one. I think proper ceremonies are so important. Don't you? Varya was in charge of the servants. PIGOLET We seem to be having a problem here. We were talking about your daughter, Anya. LYUBA There are those who said Varya just forgot about old Firs. If she did it was her first mistake. We all loved old Firs. PIGOLET Madame, I need some direct answers. LYUBA He was very old anyway. PIGOLET (Resigned.) All right . . . About your brother? Can he provide you with support? (BOURDON leaves his desk and enters through the waiting room. He strides firmly to the interview booth and raps on the wall.) BOURDON Sauterelle! Monsieur Sauterelle! (PIGOLET sticks his head out of the booth.) PIGOLET Yes, Sir, Monsieur Bourdon. BOURDON Pigolet? PIGOLET Pigolet. At your service. BOURDON Would you kindly give me your attention for a moment. PIGOLET (To LYUBA.) Excuse me, Madame. (Outside.) Monsieur Bourdon? BOURDON How long are you going to take with that woman? PIGOLET She doesn't seem to want to answer my questions. BOURDON We have spoken about this before, Pigolet. Your interviews are taking too long. PIGOLET My interviews? I am not on assignment today. BOURDON Others are waiting. PIGOLET (Spluttering.) But, Monsieur Bourdon, I am doing the best I can. This is a Sauterelle assignment. I am helping him. BOURDON Yes? PIGOLET Madame will not cooperate. It is not my fault. And there are other things. Interruptions. BOURDON Are you saying this discussion is an interruption? PIGOLET No, no, I realize that your instruction is most necessary. Pray continue. BOURDON We have a limited amount of time to give to these individuals, Pigolet. See that you stick to your schedule. PIGOLET As you wish, Monsieur Bourdon. BOURDON I thought Sauterelle was working today. Was he not? Well . . no matter . . . continue. (BOURDON returns to his desk and PIGOLET returns to his chair in the booth area.) PIGOLET Yes, Monsieur . . . (To himself.) I am even getting Sauterelle's bawling out . . . (To LYUBA.) Now, Madame, we really must complete this document. LYUBA Who was that disgusting man? PIGOLET My supervisor, Monsieur Bourdon. LYUBA What a horrible person. PIGOLET Now, this money that you have been living on - perhaps your Great-Aunt will continue her support. LYUBA We are estranged. You see, she sent us fifteen thousand roubles to pay our debt on the estate. PIGOLET Fifteen thousand Roubles is a great deal of money. LYUBA Unfortunately fifteen thousand roubles didn't even pay the interest or whatever it was. PIGOLET It must have been a large mortgage. LYUBA I know nothing about financial matters. I am so stupid. PIGOLET You kept all this money? Fifteen thousand roubles? LYUBA Of course. We're family. I needed to live. What shall I do now that it's all gone? PIGOLET Ask your Great-Aunt for more. LYUBA I can't, Monsieur. Great-Aunt does not understand love. There was mention of a curse. Do you think God will punish me? PIGOLET I have no information on that matter, Madame. But unless you answer these questions correctly and truthfully I will have to conclude this discussion. We must know about your family resources. LYUBA (Quietly.) I see. You have made your plans for me. If I cannot even be a prostitute there is but one other course. I must end my own life. I will kill myself. PIGOLET Madame is to be congratulated on her decision-making abilities. LYUBA There is no other way. (PIGOLET hands her a document.) PIGOLET I detect great personal growth. Would Madame please sign this document absolving the agency of any responsibility. (LYUBA signs the document and then stands.) LYUBA Farewell cruel world. (PIGOLET takes a massive revolver out of the drawer and holds it butt forward to LYUBA.) PIGOLET We have ways of dealing with problems of this kind, Madame. Allow me to offer you the agency revolver. LYUBA Monsieur, this is so unexpected. PIGOLET You have your rights, Madame. We are an enlightened agency. (BOURDON crosses from his desk once more and bangs on the wall as LYUBA takes the gun slowly and gingerly from PIGOLET.) BOURDON Pigolet! A word! PIGOLET Monsieur Bourdon, I am concluding my interview. BOURDON I want to see you in my office at once, Pigolet. LYUBA That horrible man again. Perhaps I should shoot him instead. PIGOLET No, no, no. That will not be necessary. (To BOURDON.) Monsieur Bourdon, a moment. A moment! BOURDON Pigolet, now! (BOURDON exits the booth area to his desk area. LYUBA now points the agency revolver at PIGOLET.) LYUBA I am an expert shot with one of these, Monsieur. You are dealing with a desperate woman. There is always a way out. Don't move! BLACKOUT ******* END OF ACT ONE ******* 90 THOUSAND ROUBLES ACT TWO The scene is the same. The time is one second prior to the end of Act One. (MADAME RANEVSKAYA has the revolver pointed right at the head of PIGOLET.) LYUBA There is always a way out, Monsieur. Now you will listen to me. PIGOLET Madame, do you know what you are doing? LYUBA I am using this agency revolver that you have so thoughtfully provided. I have changed my mind. (PIGOLET searches in a drawer and produces a large bullet which he holds out.) PIGOLET Ah, Madame, while I have provided you with the agency revolver, I have not yet provided you with the agency bullet. LYUBA Oh, no . . . PIGOLET We have to sign for each one of these. Kindly return that instrument. LYUBA (Resigned.) Yes, Monsieur . . . PIGOLET You are not to be trusted. (LYUBA returns the gun, sits down and bursts into tears. PIGOLET keeps the gun in one hand and he puts the bullet in his pocket. Why? So she won't have a chance to load the gun when he isn't looking. Do I have to think of everything? He continues to hold the revolver.) LYUBA I can't kill myself. I can't even kill you - a person of no consequence. I can only fall in love. (BOURDON gets up from his desk and enters the area outside the interview booth.) BOURDON (Calling.) Pigolet! PIGOLET Please excuse me for a moment, Madame. I must attend to Monsieur Bourdon. LYUBA Am I to be abandoned, Monsieur, even by you? PIGOLET Forgive me, Madame, we wish only to clear up some obscure point of the regulations. LYUBA Is there no end to my suffering? PIGOLET There is nothing personal, believe me. Put your thoughts on your children. LYUBA My little Anya, how I loved her. PIGOLET Yes, Madame, I will be only a moment. LYUBA I loved Anya best of all. My sweet Anya. And she loved me in return. (BOURDON calls once more from outside the booth.) BOURDON Pigolet! (Exit BOURDON returning to his desk.) PIGOLET (To LYUBA.) I'm sure that she did. Pray wait here quietly. I shall return. (PIGOLET exits quickly, taking the agency revolver. LYUBA sniffles into her handkerchief. PIGOLET leaves the revolver on his own desk in plain sight. The action changes to the office area where BOURDON has his desk. BOURDON is seated behind his desk as PIGOLET enters.) PIGOLET Monsieur Bourdon, you wanted to see me? BOURDON Sit down, Pigolet. PIGOLET I left Madame weeping. BOURDON What? You have not dispatched that woman yet? PIGOLET It is impossible to get her to give me an answer. BOURDON You are not asking questions, Pigolet, you are chatting. PIGOLET But, Monsieur Bourdon, I can't even get her to sign the application. BOURDON Pigolet, I cannot stand excuses. (BOURDON searches in his desk for notepaper and a pen which he never finds.) PIGOLET I am doing my very best, Monsieur Bourdon. BOURDON I will have to make a note of this. PIGOLET Yes, Monsieur Bourdon. BOURDON I can never find a writing instrument when I want one. I am putting a record of this conversation in your file. PIGOLET Conversation? What conversation? BOURDON The one we are about to have. (JEAN enters with a large envelope.) JEAN Monsieur Bourdon? BOURDON (Irritated.) Well? (JEAN hands BOURDON the envelope.) JEAN From Mademoiselle Le Directeur. (BOURDON becomes suddenly pleasant. He takes the envelope and draws from it a note which he reads.) BOURDON Again, Jean? Tell Mademoiselle Mineral that I will also attend to this matter at her pleasure. JEAN Monsieur. (JEAN exits.) BOURDON Now, Pigolet . . . PIGOLET Would Monsieur Bourdon care for me to leave? I can return. BOURDON Do not evade the issue, Pigolet. This is most serious. PIGOLET Yes, Monsieur. BOURDON We have a limited amount of time to deal with the public. You, of all my people, take forever. PIGOLET They assign the most difficult cases to me, Monsieur Bourdon. I know it. Others get it easy. BOURDON Nonsense. PIGOLET I assure you. Simple situations. Child's play. Consider Sauterelle, he keeps easy cases and gives his complicated ones to me. Only this very day . . . BOURDON There are no complicated cases, Pigolet. Only complicated persons like yourself who try to make the work seem harder than it is. PIGOLET But, Sauterelle . . . only today he gave me . . . BOURDON Let Sauterelle do his work and you do your work. PIGOLET But Madame Ranevskaya is evasive. BOURDON Evasive? PIGOLET She cries all the time. BOURDON Cries? What is this to you? This woman, Madame Ranev . . . what? PIGOLET Ranevskaya. She is Russian. BOURDON My point. A Russian. They always cry. It's in their blood. She wants money from good French taxpayers to support her foolish ways. Let her go back to Russia. Has she been offered the agency revolver? (JEAN enters one more time with an envelope for BOURDON.) PIGOLET Yes. We are exploring every resource. JEAN For Monsieur Bourdon. BOURDON More interruptions? JEAN From Mademoiselle Mineral. BOURDON Of course, Mademoiselle Mineral. JEAN The director. BOURDON I am quite aware of that fact. Thank you for your information. You may leave, Jean. JEAN Monsieur. (JEAN exits.) BOURDON How can I be expected to conduct work with all these interruptions? I shall go mad. PIGOLET I understand, Monsieur Bourdon. I understand. You have my complete sympathy. BOURDON Now Pigolet, what did Madame do with the agency revolver? PIGOLET She threatened my person with it. Fortunately I had forgotten the agency bullet. BOURDON Imbecile! Can't you do anything right? PIGOLET But, Monsieur . . . BOURDON Pigolet, have you ever given any thought as to why you are employed at this agency? PIGOLET Monsieur Bourdon, nothing pleases me more than helping my fellow human being. BOURDON Is it possible that you were cut out for something else? The stage perhaps? PIGOLET Never. I love my work. (MADEMOISELLE MINERAL enters.) MINERAL Bourdon! (BOURDON gets up in the presence of his director but PIGOLET remains squirming in his chair. MINERAL ignores PIGOLET.) BOURDON Mademoiselle Mineral, I was concluding my conference. MINERAL I have been meaning to speak to you about that, Bourdon. Your conferences have been taking too long. BOURDON But, Mademoiselle, you know I have the most difficult people in my section. MINERAL Nonsense. A person is a person. PIGOLET Shall I leave, Monsieur? BOURDON A moment, Pigolet. (To MINERAL.) My span of responsibility has increased beyond measure. I do not even know who is assigned to my group. MINERAL Excuses, Bourdon. Get the job done. BOURDON But, Mademoiselle . . . (MADEMOISELLE MINERAL takes notice of PIGOLET.) MINERAL Who's this? PIGOLET snaps to his feet. PIGOLET Monsieur Pigolet at your service, Mademoiselle Mineral. BOURDON I will deal with you later, Pigolet. Perhaps you had better return to your interview. PIGOLET Yes, Monsieur. (PIGOLET exits.) MINERAL Does he work here? BOURDON One of my best workers, Mademoiselle Mineral, my very best. MINERAL Good. Let him do his work then. Send him a letter of commendation. BOURDON Exactly what I was about to do, Mademoiselle Mineral. May I be of help? MINERAL On the matter we discussed earlier, Bourdon. I want action. I am not one to have patience with delay. I must rid myself of this mood! BOURDON Of course, Mademoiselle. In a few moments I will be able to report a successful outcome. Believe Bourdon. MINERAL Good. (MADEMOISELLE MINERAL exits and BOURDON relaxes a moment then he searches through his desk, collects folders therein and examines them during the following sequence. We shift the center of attention to the interview booth where LYUBA RANEVSKAYA now sits with her head laying in her arms on the table - a picture of tragic despair. PIGOLET enters.) PIGOLET You see, Madame, I have returned. LYUBA Ah, Monsieur Pigolet. How I missed you. My heart was broken. PIGOLET Let us return to the issue, Madame. Your estate? LYUBA It was so beautiful. the house and the land. I loved to walk there with my sweet Anya. PIGOLET And what happened to it? LYUBA It was sold at auction to someone else. PIGOLET Sold? LYUBA Yes. PIGOLET You said it was sold at auction? How large was this place? LYUBA The Cherry Orchard was one of the largest ever. It was mentioned in the encyclopedia. Do you have an encyclopedia here? PIGOLET We have a French encyclopedia. LYUBA It was the Russian Encyclopedia. Nicholas the Second and all that. PIGOLET I'm sorry. LYUBA It can't be helped. Hasta la Vista. PIGOLET What's that? LYUBA It's French. It means "To each his own." PIGOLET How can that be French. We are speaking French. LYUBA We are? PIGOLET We are in Paris, therefore we are speaking French. That must be something else. Russian perhaps? LYUBA Perhaps. Who knows? PIGOLET Let us confine ourselves to a single language, Madame. LYUBA There is only one real language, Monsieur Pigolet. The language of love. PIGOLET Your estate, Madame. Do you have documents? LYUBA The man who bought my house paid ninety thousand roubles plus the mortgage. PIGOLET (Impressed.) Ninety big ones? LYUBA They bid it way up. He plans to build houses. PIGOLET That's a lot of money. A great deal of a lot of money. LYUBA If he had married my daughter, Varya, he could have had the Cherry Orchard for a much less. Practically free. He could have been a member of my family. PIGOLET (Seriously.) A lost opportunity, Madame, that he must regret. LYUBA I thought he was a man of business. I could never understand money matters. PIGOLET Now, exactly what happened to the proceeds from the sale of your estate? LYUBA Proceeds? What are proceeds? PIGOLET The money. LYUBA There wasn't anything left. PIGOLET Now, just a minute, Madame, you said "Ninety Thousand Roubles plus the mortgage," right? LYUBA Yes, yes. Whatever you say. That's what they told me. PIGOLET Look, there have to be proceeds. LYUBA In the spring the Cherry orchard was all white. PIGOLET (Desperation.) Madame, not again . . . LYUBA So beautiful. Have you ever seen Cherry trees in bloom, Monsieur? Lovely. PIGOLET Madame, in business when something is sold . . . LYUBA Do you realize how few hours of darkness there are in May? The sun comes up at two o'clock in the morning. PIGOLET Please, Madame . . . LYUBA Now there is no more orchard. Little ticky-tacky houses. That's all. Good taste is doomed. Beauty is no more. (Disgusted.) Progress. PIGOLET Very perceptive, Madame. Let us return to the subject. LYUBA Love is the only thing that lasts, Monsieur. Love is eternal. PIGOLET (The last straw.) Stupidity is eternal, Madame. If you will kindly give me your attention. LYUBA (Big sobs.) You think I am stupid. PIGOLET I did not exactly mean precisely that, Madame. I really meant that . . . er something else. (At this point, BOURDON gathers up all the folders on his desk and exits.) LYUBA I am not stupid. My husband was a lawyer . . . PIGOLET Please, Madame . . . Husband? What husband? LYUBA Dead now. Dead these many years. PIGOLET (To the Universe.) What else . . . ? LYUBA May he rest in peace. If he only knew what has happened to his little family . . . PIGOLET I did not mean to offend, Madame. LYUBA What is to become of me? I will throw myself into the River Rhine! PIGOLET (He means it!) The Seine, Madame, the Seine! LYUBA I am so confused. The Seine? PIGOLET Just a short distance away, if it please, Madame. LYUBA Thank you, Monsieur . . . PIGOLET Now, about your brother? Can he help you? LYUBA Leonid? He had to go to work. Can you imagine that? Work! In a bank. He can hardly add two and two to get . . . to get another number. All he can do is chew gum drops and play billiards. He taught me. (She mimes a shot with a billiard cue.) LYUBA (Continuing.) Red ball in the corner pocket off the cushion. PIGOLET Ah, Madame has a skill. Let me write that down. LYUBA He was quite good. PIGOLET Doesn't it strike you as strange, Madame Ranevskaya, that your brother, with no financial abilities, got a job in a bank? LYUBA I don't know anything about banks. PIGOLET And your daughter, Anya? LYUBA My sweet Anya. She doesn't know anything about banks either. PIGOLET Has she no means of support? LYUBA What do I know of such things? PIGOLET And there are ninety thousand roubles for which you have no accounting? Madame, your story does not hold together. LYUBA (Tears.) Does that mean you can't help me? (Don't overdo it.) A woman pays for every bit of happiness that comes her way. (BOURDON, re-enters and pounds on the wall of the interview booth one more time. He is carrying a single folder and on the front of this folder is written in ominous letters the word "Pigolet.") BOURDON Pigolet! Kindly return to my office. PIGOLET Of course, Monsieur Bourdon. A moment. BOURDON Now, Pigolet! LYUBA That horrible man. PIGOLET Yes, Monsieur Bourdon. Madame Ranevskaya, I will only be a moment. Please compose yourself. (PIGOLET exits the interview booth and follows BOURDON into the next scene which is at the desk of BOURDON.) BOURDON Pigolet? PIGOLET Yes, Monsieur? (BOURDON seats himself behind his desk and indicates to PIGOLET that he, too, is to be seated. PIGOLET sits down slowly. BOURDON takes the folder he has been carrying and spreads it out on the desk in an official, important and impressive manner.) BOURDON Pigolet, you cannot imagine the pain with which I approach this conversation. PIGOLET The one we are about to have? BOURDON The one we are about to have. I have discussed your case with Mademoiselle Mineral. PIGOLET A delightful woman, Mademoiselle Mineral. A skilled executive. BOURDON I am glad you see it that way. Mademoiselle's career is in danger. PIGOLET How terrible. BOURDON And when her career is in danger, my career is in danger. PIGOLET Unfortunate, Monsieur. BOURDON And when my career is in danger, your career is also in danger. PIGOLET My career? BOURDON Precisely. PIGOLET You mean that when Mademoiselle . . . then you . . . then me? BOURDON Ah! You are a man of perception. PIGOLET Thank you, Monsieur. BOURDON Mademoiselle, Bourdon, Pigolet, in that order. PIGOLET Not Sauterelle? BOURDON Not Sauterelle. PIGOLET Perhaps Mademoiselle Mineral is not so skilled a director as I thought. Sauterelle is . . . is . . . he has . . . BOURDON Rest assured on that matter. Sauterelle is well thought of by Mademoiselle. Her new secretary, a remarkable girl, told me this. I emphasize - Mademoiselle has this office under full control. PIGOLET I am truly relieved. BOURDON We have discussed at length, Mademoiselle and myself, the amount of time you take in your interviews. PIGOLET I assure you, Monsieur Bourdon, that I was interrupted countless times by Sauterelle. BOURDON And I have been willing to make certain concessions on your behalf. PIGOLET If you would only examine my . . . BOURDON However, in spite of all my efforts, Mademoiselle is adamant. PIGOLET The number of cases that I have in my . . . BOURDON We have too many employees, Pigolet, and not enough work. PIGOLET How can that be? I cannot do what I have now. You have so stated. BOURDON Accept this, Pigolet. PIGOLET I am sure that there is some wisdom behind this decision, Monsieur, but . . . (BOURDON stands to deliver his sermon.) BOURDON It is not for you to understand, Pigolet. When one hundred men cannot haul the cannon you must shoot half of them. PIGOLET Cannon? What cannon? What shooting? BOURDON When fifty men cannot haul the cannon you must shoot another half. PIGOLET I fail to see how this applies to my situation. BOURDON And when twenty-five men cannot haul the cannon you must shoot another half. PIGOLET Another half? BOURDON You will then have twelve and a half of men who are motivated and anxious to haul the cannon. And so on and so on. These actions are necessary for morale, Pigolet. Discipline. PIGOLET This is wisdom beyond my comprehension. BOURDON I give you one last opportunity, Pigolet. We are not inhumane. Return and dispatch that Russian woman. I will speak on your behalf to Mademoiselle Mineral. Otherwise . . (BOURDON draws his finger across his throat and makes a nasty face at the same time.) BOURDON (Continuing.) Fini! PIGOLET Fini? BOURDON Fini. PIGOLET You are so kind, Monsieur. I cannot adequately express my gratitude. I have been warned. BOURDON It is now up to you, Pigolet. PIGOLET You may have faith in Pigolet. Pigolet is not afraid of work. Pigolet will survive. (JEAN enters with another large envelope for BOURDON.) JEAN A message for Monsieur Bourdon. (BOURDON accepts the envelope, tears it open and reads the message with a great deal of irritation.) BOURDON Is there no end to these interruptions? I am beginning to find you an annoyance. JEAN I am not at fault. I have more messages than I can deliver. Mademoiselle Mineral believes in messages. BOURDON I cannot start a simple conference without you bringing me one of . . . one of . . . these! JEAN I will convey your attitude to Mademoiselle. PIGOLET Am I excused? BOURDON I was not thinking. Of course these messages are necessary, Jean. PIGOLET Perhaps I should continue my interview with Madame Ranevskaya. BOURDON A moment, Pigolet. (To JEAN.) Tell Mademoiselle that the caissons are rolling. JEAN Croissant? BOURDON Caissons. JEAN What caissons? BOURDON Never mind what caissons. Well . . . They are rolling along. JEAN Yes, Monsieur. (JEAN exits.) BOURDON You hear that? You call that competence? In the old days the messengers were respectful of station. Now, we seem to be hiring from the gutters of Paris. Why me? PIGOLET You were saying? BOURDON About this woman, enlighten me about her circumstances. PIGOLET A most complicated situation, Monsieur. She appears to have a residue of money available to her in Russia of which she is quite unaware. BOURDON A residue? PIGOLET Of money. Ninety thousand roubles. Give or take a little. I think her family has taken unfair advantage of her. BOURDON You don't say. And? PIGOLET She refuses to see this truth. This woman is possibly a rich lady. BOURDON Ahhhh. A rich lady. PIGOLET In the prime of life. A rich widow. BOURDON A rich widow. Remarkable that she should come to us. Perhaps I have been a bit hasty. PIGOLET Pigolet is not offended, Monsieur. BOURDON (Reflectively.) A person could be quite friendly with a lady who has 90 thousand roubles . . and no more Mademoiselle. Nevertheless, Pigolet . . PIGOLET I do not understand these Russian people. BOURDON (Sympathetically.) Pigolet, Pigolet, when you have been in this business as long as Bourdon such problems will appear trivial. PIGOLET It is my hope to achieve that level of understanding. BOURDON Perhaps I should speak to this lady myself. PIGOLET Monsieur Bourdon is too kind. BOURDON You can learn from observation, Pigolet. Return to her. PIGOLET Very well, Monsieur. BOURDON I shall be along presently. Together we will resolve this issue, eh? PIGOLET Yes, Monsieur Bourdon. (PIGOLET exits. At that moment MADEMOISELLE MINERAL enters. She does not acknowledge the existence of PIGOLET.) BOURDON (During the above.) Ninety Thousand Roubles! Quelle Formidable! MINERAL Bourdon, well? BOURDON (Standing.) Mademoiselle, you may be at ease. I have just, at this very moment, selected the individual who must go. MINERAL Is this individual incompetent? Deserving of his fate? BOURDON Deliciously and hopelessly incompetent. He is having incredible difficulty with the interview process as you have required. I, Bourdon, will insure that he causes himself to be properly dismissed. There will be no embarrassing tears. MINERAL You make me feel good, Bourdon, I thought that this action was going to be difficult. Just who is this person? BOURDON You met him a short while ago. Pigolet. MINERAL Pigolet? I thought you said he was your best. (PIGOLET enters the interview booth with LYUBA still there.) BOURDON Pigolet? Pigolet the best? No, no, I meant Sauterelle. French is such a difficult language. MINERAL (A command.) Action, Bourdon. PIGOLET Madame, time. BOURDON Immediately. LYUBA What is time to me? MINERAL And my messages, Bourdon. PIGOLET You must respond. BOURDON Necessary, Mademoiselle. LYUBA (Blubbering.) Have you no heart? MINERAL Communication, Bourdon. PIGOLET Heart is not the issue, Madame. BOURDON I live for your words. LYUBA Love is everything. MINERAL Efficiency, Bourdon. PIGOLET We have work to do, Madame. BOURDON Exactly, I could not say it better. LYUBA (Hopeless despair.) Alas! I am lost. MINERAL Good. And our business? PIGOLET Madame, please, J'attend moi. BOURDON Pigolet no longer exists. LYUBA Doomed! I ask myself. Why are the poor, poor? MINERAL Commendable, Bourdon. (MADEMOISELLE MINERAL exits.) PIGOLET (Very irritated.) The poor are poor because they are poor. Madame Ranevskaya, we must return to the issue of your finances and your family. (BOURDON gets up and walks to the interview area.) LYUBA (Wiping a tear.) Yes, Monsieur, if you insist. BOURDON (To the universe.) The rouble. I wonder what it is worth in francs? Ninety thousand roubles? Who knows? LYUBA When I was a child we would pick the cherries and have them made into jam. BOURDON (Continuing.) . . . A fortune perhaps . . . at least a nice tidy sum. PIGOLET And your brother? LYUBA He would pick them too. It was such fun. Now there are no more cherries. PIGOLET Will you please return to the present. (BOURDON enters the interview booth area.) BOURDON Madame. Monsieur Pigolet. LYUBA You! You . . . person! PIGOLET Please, Madame, Monsieur Bourdon is here only to help. BOURDON For what other reason, eh? Madame, there has been an unfortunate misunderstanding. Bourdon is not a bad person. PIGOLET Not a bad person. LYUBA I am seldom wrong about a man, Monsieur. (BOURDON eases into the chair behind the desk as PIGOLET eases himself out of it. PIGOLET hovers nearby attending first to one and then to the other.) BOURDON I am sure that is true. I beg Madame's forgiveness. I, on the other hand, know little about women. Especially beautiful women like yourself. Eh, Pigolet? PIGOLET You are much too modest, Monsieur. LYUBA (Sniffle.) Monsieur, I throw myself on your mercy. BOURDON Yes, Madame . . . ? LYUBA You see before you one who has been abandoned and misused by many men. I am so helpless. PIGOLET Listen to Monsieur Bourdon, Madame, he will make everything clear. BOURDON Of course, Madame. Bourdon, can see that you are used to the finer things in life. This interview must be extremely painful for one of your sensibilities. LYUBA (Happiness.) You understand! . . . Monsieur . . . er . . . BOURDON Bourdon. LYUBA Monsieur Bourdon, I am so relieved. I have been trying to explain to Monsieur . . . Monsieur . . . ? PIGOLET Pigolet. LYUBA Monsieur . . . ? BOURDON Pigolet. LYUBA (Graciously.) Pigolet. You are so kind. BOURDON (To PIGOLET.) Madame is an unmarried lady? PIGOLET Very much unmarried. LYUBA Monsieur, I am a widow. BOURDON Unfortunate indeed. A beautiful and sensitive woman like yourself should not have to deal with matters of mere money. PIGOLET (In disbelief.) What? LYUBA Oh. Monsieur Bourdon, I have been trying and trying to tell this . . . Monsieur . . . ? PIGOLET Pigolet. LYUBA Whats-his-name . . . ? BOURDON Pigolet. LYUBA Pigolet. Of course, Pigolet. How stupid of me. I am so helpless. BOURDON Madame is so beautiful. Pigolet, Pigolet, why did you not tell me that . . . ? (He takes a quick peek at a document.) BOURDON (Continuing.) That Madame Ranevskaya was ravishing? What could be more important? LYUBA (Modestly.) Monsieur . . . . PIGOLET (Irritated.) You did not ask. BOURDON I should not have to ask such a thing. Forgive us all, Madame, forgive us all. I salute Madame. (BOURDON takes the glass of water which has been sitting there all this time and drinks it. He makes a facial reaction but recovers quickly. However, the water with ashes in it was replaced with clean water at intermission.) BOURDON (Continuing.) To you, Madame. LYUBA (Sweetly.) Monsieur, you are too kind. BOURDON You see, Pigolet, how easy it is? PIGOLET I beg your pardon? BOURDON A few words in confidence, Pigolet. A moment, Madame. (BOURDON and PIGOLET step away from the interview area and hold their conversation out of her earshot.) PIGOLET What are you trying to do? BOURDON Now, Pigolet, I have paved the way. PIGOLET Paved? You call that help? BOURDON You can see how interviewing is done. PIGOLET (Furious.) But you did nothing. I am undone! She will now be worse than ever. BOURDON Professionalism, Pigolet, experience. I have it. You do not. Proceed with your interview. (Exit BOURDON.) PIGOLET But . . . I . . . Bourdon! (As BOURDON does not respond PIGOLET returns sadly to his working desk and fiddles disconsolately with the papers thereon. A depressed and saddened SAUTRELLE enters and seats himself at his own desk.) PIGOLET What have you done to me, Sauterelle? I have tried to do the decent thing. I have tried to help my fellow man. SAUTERELLE True, Pigolet. We should not interfere with the actions of fate. Justice has a way of working out. PIGOLET Justice? I hope there is justice! Because of you I have to deal with this woman. SAUTERELLE Who? PIGOLET Ranevskaya. Because of you I have incurred the ire of our supervisor. SAUTERELLE Bourdon? PIGOLET Bourdon. Because of you I am about to be without employment. SAUTERELLE What? PIGOLET Fired. Because of . . . . SAUTERELLE You are right, Pigolet. There is even more. We have been made fools of by Mademoiselle Cleavage. She of the large breasts. PIGOLET Cleavage? What does this have to do with . . . We? What do you mean "We?" SAUTERELLE Oui. We. Mademoiselle Cleavage made a pact with God. PIGOLET So? What kind of a pact? I have had enough of these pacts. SAUTERELLE A pact of celibacy. She is never to be touched by a man. PIGOLET Fine . . . SAUTERELLE Our efforts have been wasted. PIGOLET Our efforts? My efforts! SAUTERELLE My heart is broken into small pieces. I have lost my faith. I have lost the will to live. PIGOLET In that case, I am relieved to say that you can take back your work. SAUTERELLE Miserables! I am going to be ill. I think I will go home. PIGOLET (Furious.) Now? But I have . . .You have this application. SAUTERELLE If I don't come to work tomorrow have them drag the Seine for the body of Sauterelle. Broken-hearted Sauterelle. PIGOLET (Grimly.) That will not be necessary as long as I have the Agency Revolver and the Agency Bullet! (Sauterelle stands and strikes a tragic, sacrificial pose.) SAUTERELLE As you wish. Make it quick and painless. Tell them I died for love. Oh, yes . . . please finish my applications . . . my good friend. (SAUTRELLE exits.) PIGOLET But, Sauterelle, I . . . . (A desperate PIGOLET gathers up a few papers from his desk and returns to the interview booth and his nemesis - MADAME RANEVSKAYA.) PIGOLET (Continuing.) Madame. LYUBA Monsieur . . . er . . Pigolet. I feel much better now. What was his name? Bourdon. Yes, Bourdon. How could I forget? PIGOLET The interview, Madame. LYUBA I was never meant to answer questions. Must we go through this again? PIGOLET That is the business of this agency. LYUBA Have you ever seen cherry trees in bloom? PIGOLET Madame Ranevskaya, forget the cherry trees! Cherry trees cause me to sneeze! (LYUBA jumps back slightly with a small cry. BOURDON enters the area outside the booth.) LYUBA I thought everything was settled by that . . . (BOURDON pounds on the booth.) BOURDON Pigolet. You have had sufficient time. LYUBA Nice man. PIGOLET I am ruined. There is but one way out. (A beat.) Bourdon was right, you are the most beautiful creature that has ever graced these walls. (He has her attention.) LYUBA Oh, yes, Monsieur, yes, yes? PIGOLET Forgive me. I can no longer restrain myself. LYUBA Please go on. PIGOLET I am unused to such beauty. LYUBA Oh, Monsieur . . . PIGOLET Do you know any Russian Lawyers? Good ones? LYUBA Oh, yes. Many. But they cannot support me. It would not be proper. There would be talk. I am a lady, Monsieur. BOURDON (Outside.) Pigolet! Your career is in professional danger. You have run late for the last time. I will not have it. LYUBA What does he mean? PIGOLET Madame Ranevskaya . . . Lyuba . . . from the moment you walked into my office and entered my life with your fragrance, your beauty . . . LYUBA Control yourself, Monsieur . . . Monsieur . . ? PIGOLET Pigolet. LYUBA Pigolet. BOURDON (Outside.) Pigolet, we are running a business here. PIGOLET I realize that you have heard this many times, Madame. LYUBA Yes? PIGOLET Madame . . . I love you. LYUBA Love? Oh, Monsieur, I am about to faint. Forgive me. (PIGOLET takes her hand.) PIGOLET Madame . . .er . . . LYUBA Lyuba. PIGOLET Lyuba, will you marry me? LYUBA I don't know what to say. BOURDON (Still outside.) Pigolet! You have thirty seconds to respond. PIGOLET Madame Ranevskaya . . . Lyuba . . . you have ninety-thousand roubles waiting for you in that Russian Bank. LYUBA Whatever do you mean? PIGOLET Your brother and your daughter Anya are using it. You have been betrayed! LYUBA Betrayed? PIGOLET Attend me, my love. My true love. LYUBA Yes, my Pigolet. PIGOLET We can marry here. LYUBA Marry? My heart! PIGOLET Yes. And then go to Russia . . . LYUBA Yes . . . yes . . . PIGOLET Sue for the money . . . LYUBA Oh . . . PIGOLET Change it to francs and off we go. No problem. C'est magnifique! BOURDON (Outside.) Fifteen seconds! I am a man of great patience but that patience can be exhausted. LYUBA Oh dear, sweet, Pigolet, I cannot decide. PIGOLET We can go to America. LYUBA I have heard a great deal about San Francisco. PIGOLET With ninety-thousand roubles you can buy San Francisco. Don't fight providence, Madame . . . Lyuba . . . BOURDON (Outside.) Pigolet, your time has expired. LYUBA Oh, Pigolet, I was not meant to be happy. (PIGOLET drags LYUBA out of the interview booth to confront BOURDON.) BOURDON Monsieur Pigolet, it pleases me to inform you that your. . . PIGOLET Monsieur Bourdon, kindly stuff it. BOURDON Stuff? LYUBA Please, Pigolet, let me think. BOURDON You are telling Bourdon to stuff it? PIGOLET Yes. BOURDON Pigolet you are fired! PIGOLET Fired? Hah! BOURDON Yes, fired! Out! PIGOLET Bourdon, you cannot fire Pigolet. LYUBA Please, I don't like this fighting. (To BOURDON.) Leave him alone. (To PIGOLET.) Let me think. BOURDON I cannot fire you, eh? I hereby give you your official and final notice of termination. There! How do you like that? LYUBA (To BOURDON.) You are no longer nice. BOURDON (Indicating LYUBA.) And I fire her too. LYUBA Monsieur! BOURDON Forgive me, Madame. PIGOLET Careful, Bourdon, you are addressing the future Madame Pigolet. LYUBA (Doubtfully.) "Madame Pigolet?" PIGOLET And I can be terrible when aroused. BOURDON And I fire your children. LYUBA Not my children. Oh, Monsieur, not Anya and Varya. PIGOLET As I said, you cannot fire Pigolet. . . I quit! BOURDON Quit? How can you quit when you have been fired? PIGOLET How can I be fired when I quit first? LYUBA Pigolet, Pigolet . . . BOURDON You are fired earlier. PIGOLET And I quit earlier than that. LYUBA Pigolet, please . . . BOURDON Pigolet, you are rousing my Ire Feroce! LYUBA This is all my fault. Wherever I go . . . PIGOLET Bourdon, consider this my official notice retroactive. LYUBA Mas oui. I am Tres tragique! BOURDON Very well. So be it. LYUBA I am not worthy of this fighting. (BOURDON bites his thumb at PIGOLET.) BOURDON You have earned the curse of Bourdon. (LYUBA takes the revolver from the desk of PIGOLET.) LYUBA Please, I am the cause of all this misery. I cannot bear to live. (PIGOLET raises his fist to BOURDON.) PIGOLET Pigolet sneers at the curse of Bourdon. (LYUBA gives the gun butt first to BOURDON, who takes it, then offers herself with arms outstretched as the target.) LYUBA Shoot! (MADEMOISELLE MINERAL enters.) MINERAL Bourdon? (BOURDON holds the gun and gesticulates with it.) BOURDON (Respectfully.) Mademoiselle Mineral . . . (Sternly to LYUBA.) Madame Ranevskaya, this is an official agency weapon. It is not to be used for frivolous purposes. LYUBA (Outraged.) Frivolous? MINERAL What is going on here? BOURDON A misunderstanding, Mademoiselle. MINERAL Apparently! Have you dispatched the hopeless one? Will you put that thing away! PIGOLET Hopeless one? (BOURDON puts the Agency Revolver away in his desk.) BOURDON I have done that which had to be done, Mademoiselle. MINERAL Rectify it. Our policy has changed. PIGOLET Mademoiselle? BOURDON Rectify? MINERAL An accounting error. We have an insufficiency of staff. Rectify. My promotion is at stake. Minister Farfelu will be displeased. LYUBA (To PIGOLET.) Babushka, My little Anya, let me tell you about her. PIGOLET A moment. BOURDON (To MINERAL.) Would Mademoiselle explain? MINERAL Do it, Bourdon. I do not wish to appear foolish to my colleagues. Who are these people? LYUBA I am Madame Lyuba Andreyevna Ranevskaya. MINERAL Charmed, Madame. PIGOLET And I am Pigolet. The hopeless one. The one who has been fired. BOURDON Quit! PIGOLET Fired! MINERAL Fired? When we need experienced help? Bourdon! BOURDON But, Mademoiselle . . . MINERAL How did you allow this to occur? BOURDON Well . . . An oversight on my part, Mademoiselle. I have been objecting strongly to Monsieur Pigolet. He is a most valuable worker, but he resigned. PIGOLET He fired me . . . and Madame. LYUBA (Forcefully.) I am going to faint. BOURDON Pigolet, Pigolet, it was Sauterelle I was intending to fire, not Pigolet. PIGOLET Sauterelle? BOURDON Yes, Stupid of me. French is such a difficult language. Somehow I got the two of you mixed up. Unforgivable. PIGOLET You believe Pigolet to be an idiot? BOURDON It must be that age is telling me something. The responsibility is mine. MINERAL Bourdon, if we lose much needed staff due to your error it will cause a notice to be put in your folder. BOURDON But, Mademoiselle . . . MINERAL However, I want you to know I appreciate the fine work you have done in the past. BOURDON Mademoiselle, I have only your interests at heart. MINERAL We must engage additional persons, Bourdon, see to it. There is much work to be done. BOURDON Pigolet, my good friend . . . PIGOLET I am off to Russia, Bourdon, and a fortune. MINERAL (To LYUBA.) Has Madame ever considered working for France? LYUBA I have never considered working at all. MINERAL If Madame can face guns, as she has demonstrated, she can face the public. LYUBA I am an aristocrat. MINERAL Excellent. Some of my best workers are aristocrats. Le Compte de Champignon is one of our most excellent copyists. LYUBA Le Compte de Champignon? I know his sister. So fashionable. MINERAL We do not discriminate in this agency, Madame. LYUBA But I have always been supported by gentlemen. MINERAL As it should be - therefore - you have no bad habits to unlearn. You should be perfect for the job. BOURDON (To PIGOLET.) Do you know how cold the winters are in Russia? The ground is frozen hard. PIGOLET Ha! I scoff at the cold. We will live in San Francisco with the fogs of the Golden Gate. LYUBA Fogs? Damp fogs? BOURDON Madame's beauty would be tarnished in such a place. They have robbers and earthquakes . . . and Americans. LYUBA I cannot have the fogs. I do not like robbers. I do not like earthquakes either. MINERAL Bourdon, we have work to do. Get on with it. BOURDON Madame Ranevskaya, a person of your delicacy, your refinement, you owe it to humanity to make use of those qualities. PIGOLET Madame, the estate. The Cherry Orchard. LYUBA (To BOURDON.) Oh, Monsieur . . . MINERAL Hurry up, Bourdon. Think of your position. PIGOLET The ninety-thousand roubles. BOURDON When I see your beauty, Madame, it causes my heart to palpitate. (Coughing.) I may not be long for this position myself. MINERAL Correct. LYUBA So tragic. So beautiful. PIGOLET Madame Ranevskaya . . . Babushka . . . LYUBA Quiet, Pigolet. Yes, Monsieur Bourdon? BOURDON The delicacy of Madame's cheek, Madame's lovely hair. Madame's sweet hand, Madame's foot. LYUBA (Offended.) Monsieur! BOURDON My apologies. I exceeded good taste. Blame my emotion. PIGOLET Do not listen to this man. He will break your heart. LYUBA My heart was made to be broken, Pigolet. MINERAL Decide, Madame. BOURDON What is one more heartbreak? A nothing. PIGOLET You will be Les Miserables. BOURDON Yes. Beautifully and delicately Miserables. But you will be lifting the downtrodden to new heights merely by the overwhelming presence of your beauty. Forgive my tears. LYUBA Oh, I cannot decide. MINERAL Good. Not to decide is to decide. Bourdon, show Madame Ranevskaya to her desk. PIGOLET But Madame . . . Lyuba . . . LYUBA What can I do, Pigolet. My heart tells me "yes" and my heart tells me "no." (JEAN enters with an envelope.) JEAN A note for Mademoiselle Director. MINERAL Am I always to be interrupted? PIGOLET Mademoiselle Mineral, please hear me. MINERAL My door is always open, Pigolet. JEAN Is there a reply, Mademoiselle Mineral? (MINERAL opens the note and reads.) BOURDON Pigolet, old friend, let us forget our recent misunderstanding. Return to your desk. You have assignments waiting. PIGOLET A moment, Bourdon, I would speak with the director. MINERAL Most interesting . . . PIGOLET Mademoiselle . . . MINERAL Let me think. Bourdon, it appears I have been promoted. BOURDON Congratulations, Mademoiselle. MINERAL And transferred to the Foreign Legion. I am no longer director here. BOURDON Congratulations are in order, Mademoiselle. To yourself and to France. MINERAL Yes. Thank you, Bourdon. It seems I am to command my own cannon. Odd. The reply is . . . I accept. JEAN Mademoiselle. (JEAN exits.) MINERAL I shall regret leaving this place. It has so many memories. BOURDON Indeed, Mademoiselle . . . MINERAL But the more things change . . . eh, Bourdon? BOURDON It is the wisdom of providence, Mademoiselle. MINERAL I have this plan, Bourdon, to have captured enemy soldiers load our cannon. It would reduce expenses. BOURDON Mademoiselle can bring much to the military. They are indeed lucky. MINERAL I will recommend, to Minister Farfelu that you become the next director, Bourdon. BOURDON I hope I will be worthy of your trust, Mademoiselle. MINERAL And your first duty will be to select your own replacement. BOURDON I have just the person in mind, Mademoiselle. MINERAL Farewell, Bourdon . . . Boom-boom! (MADEMOISELLE MINERAL exits.) PIGOLET Mademoiselle . . . ? (BOURDON guides LYUBA to a chair of instruction.) BOURDON Allow me to instruct you, Madame, in the art of Le Signature. Le Nom. (PIGOLET spits into the wind.) PIGOLET Mademoiselle Mineral, I must protest my treatment. LYUBA Will I have my own desk? BOURDON Absolutely. (To PIGOLET.) Later, Pigolet. Return to your work. There will be a letter of commendation in your folder. As it should be. PIGOLET But I have been grossly misused. BOURDON Take your complaint to your new supervisor, Monsieur Sauterelle. PIGOLET (A cry of pain.) Sauterelle? (SAUTERELLE enters and starts cleaning out his desk.) BOURDON Sauterelle. SAUTERELLE Ah, Pigolet, I am just cleaning out my personal effects. And then I think we should have a short conference in my office. PIGOLET Conference? SAUTERELLE A conference about the length of time you take for your interviews. But . . . proceed with your work I understand you have much to do. PIGOLET (Resigned.) Yes, Monsieur Sauterelle. LYUBA (To BOURDON.) Monsieur, you have shown me many kindnesses. BOURDON My pleasure, Madame. LYUBA Do you believe that as a child I thought the Cherry Orchard would last forever. BOURDON Tell me more about this orchard, Madame. Agriculture is one of my personal interests. I understand that your family was quite well-off. How very nice. Am I correct? LYUBA Oh, Monsieur . . . . (They simulate flirtatious conversation as a sadder and wiser PIGOLET returns to work.) PIGOLET The ninety-thousand roubles? . . . Pouf! . . . C'est la Vie. Number fourteen? . . . (As the lights slowly fade.) PIGOLET (Continuing.) Number fourteen? ****** FINAL CURTAIN ******