Wa Fracks by Ben Ohmart 723 Boal Ave. Boalsburg, PA 16827 fax: 814-466-7555 email: findline@mindspring.com (c) 1995 Ben Ohmart (A funeral march, played very fast and lively accompanies the fade in to the set. It's a doctor's office, modern, comfortable. The space for a tv set; a coffee table with magazines, a couch, a few seats. A window under the couch. The main door, down CS - and a reception-like window next to a door leading off SL. Next to the main door sits MA who throughout the play keeps saying to herself "wa fracks" in a tone to not at all drown out anyone else - she does this no matter what happens. After the lights come up on the set for a moment, JEAN and GEORGE, a very old, brittle, married couple, rise up from the audience and go backstage. A beat. ELMER and TOM rush into the room from the main door - where all entrances are from, unless noted - and set themselves down. Note: nobody ever notices MA. ELMER and TOM are sweating, breathing hard, in panic. They pick up magazines. After a pause, look at one another, then rush out the window. A shaky key in the lock is heard. The door opens. It's JEAN and GEORGE. GEORGE's surprised about the door, but the cares of an old man are few) GEORGE. (As JEAN takes off her coat) I don't see why we had to - JEAN. You said that, George. GEORGE. To leave, that, leave that play. JEAN. It was awful, George. I know I don't expect you to know, you were asleep, but take my word for it. GEORGE. I only fall asleep during the dramatic times. I like a good laughing line, wake me up for that. (JEAN goes into the office. GEORGE sits on the coffee table, back to audience) Jean? Jean? JEAN. (From other room) You can take off your shoes, George. GEORGE. Thank you, dear. (He does) At the office today - at the office, dear..? "What does a Tupperware container and a walrus have in common?" JEAN. (Off) Tell me, George. GEORGE. They're both looking for a tight seal. (Silence) You seem preoccupied tonight, dear. JEAN. (Off) I just have other things on the mind, George. GEORGE. This is the first night since that first orgasm together that you called me George. (No response) Think I'll do a little telly... (Moves to turn the tv on but it's not there) We didn't leave the telly at the show tonight? Jean? JEAN. (Off) We don't usually take the tv, now do we, George? GEORGE. You have a strange tone, Jean. (Pause. Trying to grasp the disappearance situation) The tv's not here. JEAN. (Off) Use the remote! GEORGE. (Takes a remote control out of the coffee table. Tries it. Still doesn't work) 'S not working, dear. (Tries it again) Still doesn't work - Jean? JEAN. (Off) Come help me with these x-rays, George. (GEORGE puts remote down, as only an old man could, exits into other room. ELMER and TOM come back in through the window - both still nervous as hell) ELMER. What goes next - table maybe? TOM. Can I pee? ELMER. Yeah, go ahead. (Cups his hands) Well -? TOM. I was thinkin' of maybe something with that blue stuff in it. That flushes..? ELMER. The doctor is in. TOM. I really have to go. - Your hands aren't that big. ELMER. Christ! TOM. (Starting to squirm) Elmer? ELMER. No.. TOM. ..The political struggle between different glasses of root beer was a strategic ploy in the development of cola as a form of cocaine addiction which still hasn't been alleviated today - ELMER. What the hell - TOM . And of course when One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest won all four major Oscars for the development of acidic beverages in the political system today - ELMER. Tom! (Gently) Take off your shoe, remove your sock - and shut up! Shhh... TOM. I have to take my mind off.. ELMER. Well, keep thinking of Niagara Falls. TOM. Oooh.. ELMER. I mean, the Painted Dessert. TOM. The Painted - (Noises off) ELMER. Quick - oo! Hey! (Pushes TOM, and they hide behind the couch - still seen to audience. GEORGE and JEAN enter. JEAN has a small suitcase and an overnight bag) GEORGE. The play wasn't that bad, Jean. JEAN. George, you wouldn't know a bad play if it bit you on the kneecap, then slowly moved and chewed on your big toe, then went back up to the esophagus, did something strange there, then kicked you in the balls. GEORGE. I'd notice the balls, Jean. JEAN. You're old, George. You don't notice the weather when you turn on the Weather Channel. GEORGE. Now, that's unfair dear. I only turn it on for laughs. JEAN. And you're a strange person, George. GEORGE. But I - I notice things. Notice things. JEAN. What's the first thing you notice when you look out that window George? GEORGE. Truck with the lights on. JEAN. The window, George. The window. GEORGE. The window's open, dear. JEAN. You're also the most uncreative person I've ever been married 26 years to. Your mind's gone. You can crack a back, sure. But I wonder if you didn't crack your mind one of those times. GEORGE. Are you trying to tell me something, dear? JEAN. Dear God. How long have I been able to stand it, George? How long, how long do you think? GEORGE. I told you dear. All men go through this stage. I'm not completely impotent, and I do think that twice a day isn't bad for a man of my age. JEAN. You don't sexually satisfy me, George. (A squeal from behind couch) You may think it funny, George, but I'm at the nipple of my sexual peak. TOM. ..and in the event of circumstantial death, in the cause of blood poisoning, Charlton Heston did manage to secure Ben Hur an Oscar for the rock opera of the same name - JEAN. What was that? GEORGE. Just the tv, dear. ELMER. (Whispering) Shut up! JEAN. Turn it off! (GEORGE takes the remote, turns off invisible tv during JEAN's lines) And firing Elmer today, without asking me - you're understaffed - GEORGE. But my love, I found him in the closet, masturbating to Mrs. Schultz's lower back x-ray. JEAN. She's eighty! I don't believe you. GEORGE. It's not the first time I've found him with a smile on his face shooting his seed on some patient's x-ray, dear. JEAN. And you're an idiot, George. GEORGE. But I'm a Ph.D., my love. JEAN. An idiot who knows how to spell the word. TOM. ..in the excitement of ensuing arguments both for and against tree stains on the carpet, the events of both treason and reason as an understand to fuck off - (But ELMER's clapped his hand around his TOM's mouth. JEAN and GEORGE both look around) GEORGE. Must've left the musak on tonight, my plant. JEAN. George. GEORGE. What are you doing with that suitcase? Dear? Need some help with it? JEAN. No. It only has our sexual devices for pleasure in it. I'll come for the rest later. And my clothes. GEORGE. What do you mean - JEAN. I'm leaving you, George. Darling. GEORGE. For a time? JEAN. Forever. GEORGE. Bit long, isn't it? JEAN. George. GEORGE. You wouldn't mail a couple letters while you're out - JEAN. George! How can you be so cruel? After all the positions we've had. Our honeymoon at Niagara Falls! (A squeal from behind couch) All the sex! Oh, yes, all the passion. Well - I've found somebody new! New! Yes! And young. George, you're an old man. W ith a doctor's practice. But you can't fulfill a woman! I've got a fresh, young man to get my vaginal juices flowing! You're an old man, George. He's only sixty-six, and he's hung like fifty. You hear that George? GEORGE. Yes, I... how 'bout those letters then? JEAN. George! GEORGE. The bills have to be paid. JEAN. You're so cruel! So cruel! I'm going home to mother! You hear that? I'm going home to mother! Now don't try to stop me! GEORGE. - Yeah, all right. JEAN. I'm leaving from that door. TOM. God! The amount of bottle of milk it would take to equal a jar of mustard is roughly equal to a penny dropped from the Um Statepire building.. GEORGE. And one of the letters that must go out is to Mrs. Schultz as an apology for the cum stains on her copy of the x- JEAN. George, you're impossible! (To tears) I'm going home to mother! I'm going home to mother! I want you to realize, though, George, you drove me to it! GEORGE. Oh. I'll go get the car keys. JEAN. I'm going home to mother! Oh! George! Oh! (GEORGE exits into other room to get his car keys. JEAN leaves, with suitcase, etc., by the front door. TOM and ELMER emerge from behind the couch) TOM. - in the excitement of current educational abilities with regarding to - what are you doing? ELMER. It'll take him forever to get those keys; all the way in the kitchen. Let's get this table out. TOM. Oo - it's heavy.. ELMER. Take the stuff out. TOM. I gotta go! ELMER. Why did my sister marry you? TOM. 'Cause I got lots of money and I can stay home and read the paper all day. (Off again) I bought her edible wallpaper which looks like the news so that when she finishes reading about the plight of communism in the bathtub at all hours of the night fo r breakfast, she can eat it, unless the tragedy which struck the passengers of the aircraft - ELMER. You're ruining it! GEORGE. (Off) Dear? ELMER. Quick! Go! (They dash behind couch again) GEORGE. (Enters) Oh. She must've left me. Hm. - Jean? Did you leave me, dear? Don't be sullen, my lost one. I know the tight seal wasn't great, but it was a customer's joke. Jean? - She's gone. Twenty-six years of wedlock and she picks the lock. Oh well. I suppose I should.. - those letters really need to be posted. I should drink. Yes. I'll drink to forget.. I'll drink to forget - whatever it is. Drinking. Yes. Now where's that rubbing alcohol..? (Pause, looks around for the alcohol, even in places where it couldn't possibly fit, including behind the couch where TOM and ELMER lay - he doesn't even notice them. Finds the liquor in a cabinet. Opens the bottle) Suppose I should kill myself, though. That's what they do in the theater. The movies. That must be right. Why else spend those millions of dollars showing it. Why else? Gotta just kill myself. (GEORGE pours a drink from the bottle into the glass - this makes TOM squirm. He drinks it straight, it has no effect. He pours a longer drink, higher from the glass so that it makes a splashing sound. TOM moans. GEORGE, the separation finally sinking in, starts to cry. GEORGE pours more alcohol into the glass. TOM yells) She's meant so much to me... I can't believe it.. what was I thinking..? I wish I was dead. I wish someone was dead... might as well be me. I guess... I can't believe it... why..? (More pouring. TOM screams, and TOM and ELMER jump up from behind the couch) ELMER. This is a raid! A stick-up! GEORGE. You'll pardon me boys, she left me! (Starts to cry some more) ELMER. Shut up! (TOM runs, in agony, from the room) Don't move! Shut up, old man! Quiet! I'll let me have it! You! (Pounding from off) GEORGE. Why did she do it? Why! Why? I've cracked backs for her! I've taken money from patients that didn't even need treatment, just for her! Why? ELMER. Shut up, old man! We're going to rob you! GEORGE. She took half the patient records - maybe she and that youngster will crack their own backs with a practice - ELMER. - It's our practice as soon as he takes piss! GEORGE. Why? ELMER. Because - TOM. (Runs in) It's locked! The Goddamn toilet's locked up! ELMER. Where's the key, old man? GEORGE. Why? ELMER. He's gotta go! TOM. Bad! It's my bladder. I'm to have a transplant for one that works next week! GEORGE. Why? ELMER. Piss out the window! TOM. Are you kidding? There's something illegal against that. ELMER. God! TOM. What if someone should see me? I'm not really that big until I'm fully erect. ELMER. Jesus! Tell me, old man! GEORGE. Why? Why? Why? ELMER. Because guys gotta eat and piss, and if we all knew the meaning of life, Monty Python wouldn't've had to make a movie about it, now - the key! The key, old man! GEORGE. What's the use? What's the use of anything? ELMER. Or I will kill you!! TOM. Elmer! GEORGE. It wasn't a play about divorce. Was it? This woman left her husband, I can't help that. The damn playwright. I can't help falling asleep. It's the air conditioners in those places. Why? ELMER. I'll kill you! GEORGE. Kill me! (ELMER doesn't know what to do) TOM . Elmer! ELMER. I'll kill you!! TOM. Elmer, where's the key? ELMER. What? GEORGE. Kill me, boys! (Stands right up next to the gun) Kill me! Please! Why? (Takes the gun away from ELMER, puts it to his head) ELMER. What, are you crazy? TOM. Come on! GEORGE. Don't I know you? ELMER. Give me that! (Wrestles gun back from GEORGE, then holds it on him) Now - no false moves! Don't try anything! Nothing! Nothing or anything! As in a movement, sudden or not! Nothing or anything should you try! TOM. I gotta go! GEORGE. I have a scratch. TOM. That's it! (Runs off through the side door) ELMER. What's the idea of not having any potted plants around? GEORGE. Who are you? ELMER. The man with the gun! Now shut up, or - I won't shoot you! GEORGE. Oh come on! ELMER. I won't! I was thinking about it. If you're good, before we clear the place out, I may make you a new asshole, but that's only if you're good! GEORGE. She left me! I couldn't sexually satisfy her any longer! I can't believe it! She knew I couldn't when we married! Why? Why? - ELMER. You ask that fucking question again - I'll leave you here in one piece! (TOM comes back in) You're supposed to be at the theater. GEORGE. It was one of those Ben Ohmart plays. I always sleep through them. TOM. Thank God. ELMER. Tom, grab that table. We're getting out. GEORGE. What are you doing? What will I do? TOM. You can give me a hand. God, that felt good, Elmer. ELMER. Shh! He's not moving. He's not going to do anything or nothing sudden - or quick. GEORGE. I know you! Elmer! I know who you are! ELMER. Thanks, Tom. TOM. We didn't rehearse it for people, Elmer. How am I - GEORGE. I know who you are! ELMER. You said that! TOM. Maybe we should just do the tv, and be off with it - ELMER. No! I'm not leaving till the place is emptied out! Start my own back-breaking center. GEORGE. You're disgusting! ELMER. Yeah, yeah! GEORGE. I hate you! You're the reason she left, I'm sure! ELMER. Oh - now - TOM. I peed on the flowery wallpaper, Elmer. I'm sure that's okay. I noticed pee stains on it already, so I figured - ELMER. That's enough! Shut up! My sister's husband. GEORGE. Masturbation! It's disgusting! ELMER. It may be disgusting to you, but it's the only way I can get laid. TOM. Elmer - ELMER. You're an idiot, Tom. Shut up. I only brought you along because - just a minute. It's written down here somewhere.. TOM. Oh, funny.. ELMER. Shut up, Tom. (Suddenly GEORGE grabs the remote from off the coffee table and holds it to his head. TOM and ELMER look at each other, unsure) You should be more understanding. To employees. TOM. You think he's gonna use it. Bob? ELMER. (Looks at TOM then slaps him. To GEORGE) The worst you can do there, George, is lower your volume. GEORGE. If only you knew.. (Pushes the button - nothing happens) Oh. TOM. Maybe the batteries are dead. Eh, Steve? (He gets another slap) ELMER. Quick, start getting that stuff out. All of it. Come on. Let's get it. Come on, Tom. (GEORGE uses this altered direction of ELMER's attention to dash and get a remote control out of the coffee table. He holds this one to his head. ELMER just puts his hands on his hips, not sure what he's doing) TOM. He's insane, Bob. I do believe he's insane. He doesn't know what he's doing. Grief has taken over his heart and now this shell of a fool, who was once a completely complete fool is destined to turn his sound down for the rest of his life, by himself. (This gets a cry from GEORGE) ELMER. Look, old man, I've got the gun. GEORGE. You haven't been with me long. You don't know it all. TOM. My wife and I had a similar experience. We were out visiting the Grand Canyon one day, then all of a sudden out of the woods comes this huge animal, I mean really big, and it stalks us. Now don't ask me what kind, 'cause I have no idea about animals, I grew up in the country - and it started sniffing around my - ELMER. This has nothing to do with that! TOM. Well, it comes to mind. - No. You're right. (ELMER slaps TOM, then in a quick motion, also takes the remote away from GEORGE. ELMER smiles, takes the other remote, mixes them up, hands one back to GEORGE. Then ELMER sees a gun in the drawer, sticks it in his pants) ELMER. Great. More hardware. Tom, get that couch out. TOM. What, by myself? GEORGE. You shouldn't've done that. Oh. Oh. You should not have - ELMER. Shut up! I'm tired of you! One more word and I will shoot your nose off, then you try to sneeze! (Pointing gun at GEORGE) GEORGE. Oh, that won't do you any good. (ELMER smiles then fires the gun out the window, but instead of a bang, a television is heard. It's playing Ravel's Bolero. GEORGE starts to cry. ELMER is in a panic) TOM. (To ELMER) Come on. Now. Don't - GEORGE. We always watched pubic television together this time of night! (Cries) TOM. Pubic? GEORGE. Our sexual fantasies were quite contained in classical music..! ELMER. What the fuck is this!? TOM. Let's go, Ed. ELMER. (To GEORGE) What are you trying to do? (To TOM) Are you kidding? Without the stuff? 'Sides, he can identify us. Where's my gun? Here it is! Give me that remote! TOM . Why? ELMER. (Thinks) ...Why? GEORGE. Present from my brother-in-law, the inventor. Only me and... (Starts to cry again) ELMER. Come on, come on! I'm not leaving here 'til you're thoroughly stripped of your possessions and pride! TOM. We're not going to take his clothes off! (That gets a slap) GEORGE. Clear out now, or I'll let you have it! TOM. Suicide! GEORGE. I'm going to at least have the honor of having my blood-stained corpse fall on my freshly paid for coffee table. Out! You fire me up! You think I can't do it! You ask my wife. She's not here right now but - She'd want me to defend! So there! ELMER. I'll shoot you if you kill me. (TOM whispers something in ELMER's ear. ELMER looks at GEORGE for a moment) Yeah, all right. (Puts gun down) TOM. I swear. I promise to bring more bullets next time, Danny. GEORGE. The inventor, my brother-in-law, makes these things. I keep them for protection, it's a good thing. I must say, I go through more condoms than bullets but I can still change you guys channel from ESPN to the Home Shopping Network with one shot, if you know what I mean.. (TOM and ELMER cover their private parts) ELMER. Damn those brother-in-laws! (Hits TOM) TOM. Ow! (Silence. Only "wa fracks" is heard) ELMER. - So. George. Only you and the little woman knew about this little secret? GEORGE. Yes.. ELMER. Couldn't trust me. TOM. Let's go. ELMER. So tell me. - He gives the little inventions to your lovely, beautiful, unsatisfied wife? That delicate creature that just ran off? And gives them to you? (This starts GEORGE crying, uncontrollably. ELMER motions for TOM to get the remote. He does) Good job, Tom! TOM. You'll take it back about the brother-in-law thing? ELMER. (Thinks) I won't hit you - the next three things you screw up. (TOM puts the remote down, next to the other remote, and gives ELMER a big hug. GEORGE snaps out of it, grabs a remote, ELMER sees this and grabs the other remote before GEORGE can. A pause) TOM. - Truck lights are still on. ELMER. Take the coffee table and go turn them off. (TOM does) GEORGE. Give me that remote! ELMER. Give me that remote! (They both look at each other) GEORGE. Give me that remote! ELMER. Give me that remote! GEORGE. I should've fired you long ago! ELMER. I should've - give me that remote! (Silence, except for the "wa fracks") - So. - She went home to mother, did she?! (GEORGE tries to control himself) I've still got a very definite gun, you know. I know for a fact that one of these things I'm holdi ng shoots bullets! GEORGE. It's empty! ELMER. (Pause) Give me that remote! - How many bullets does it have? TOM. (Enters through the window) All right. GEORGE. Three. ELMER. (Points the remote through the window, fires it and the tv explodes, thus ending Ravel's Bolero) Ah-ha! TOM. God! GEORGE. (Hands remote to ELMER; stricken with grief) Kill me! (Just then, in walks JEAN, makeup smeared as if she's been crying. At first she doesn't see TOM or ELMER) JEAN. (Referring to MA) I forgot mother. (Grabs MA's hand, then sees TOM and ELMER and lets it go) George! The remote control..! (She rushes at ELMER and starts to wrestle with him for a moment. TOM is jumping up and down eagerly to the side, wondering if he should do anything; GEORGE isn't fast enough to. A shot. ELMER and JEAN look at each other, not knowing which one got shot. Suddenly, TOM slumps to the floor, dead. ELMER and JEAN part, revealing that the remote was pointed to the side. JEAN gives the remote to GEORGE) He wasn't an unsatisfied customer, was he, dear? GEORGE. (With joy) Dear? ELMER. God. My sister'll kill me. Don't you realize, you've made him late for dinner?! GEORGE. You've come back to me! You saved me! JEAN. I really love you, George! My dear. I need attention.. you know I could never go through with it.. now I know....! GEORGE. Yippy! JEAN. Keep him covered, dear. I'll phone the police. GEORGE. I wouldn't be surprised if they heard the previous shot, but yes, yes, my dear. Anything. ELMER. (Mumbling) Nothing, anything, sudden or quick.. GEORGE. But darling, what about the sexual satisfaction? JEAN. I can't leave you, honey. My life is with you, forever and always. And if that means buying more edible gel during the pubic television... we're both getting old, dear. GEORGE. And we'll always get old together. JEAN. Forever! GEORGE. Always! (She exits into the other room. To JEAN, off:) Was it true about that sixty-six year old, dear? ELMER. Best not to ask too many questions, George. GEORGE. (To himself) Guess she didn't hear me. ELMER. (To himself) I'll never open my own back-breaking office/house. Why can't people respect the private part of masturbation? Why? Why? JEAN. (Off) George? ELMER. Yes, dear? JEAN. Somebody peed on the wall. GEORGE. I'll turn on the television. (Can't find it again. During the above, though, ELMER's found a small portable phone in the cushions of the couch, on which he sits; GEORGE doesn't notice. Playing with the phone, he pushes a button; the lights go out) Oh, yeah! - Christ! (Nothing can be seen. Noises - lots of noises, indicating a struggle. Yelling, etc. A pause. Complete silence. The loud noises start again. Yelling, lots of noises that can't be explained, etc. Then suddenly, three shots ring out, one at a time. A long pause. POLICE are heard entering; they switch on the lights. GEORGE, JEAN, ELMER, and of course TOM are all lying dead on the floor. Yet still MA sits mumbling "wa fracks", as the lights dim very slowly. Note: if this play's the last of the night, or if the director wishes it, the POLICE may come in to start to do an investigation: wait for detectives to arrive, dust for prints, outline the bodies with chalk, etc., as one COP tells the audience to "move along. Nothing to see here. Move along." until the theater is empty. Fast funeral march again, as the audience exits) THE END