BankNote$ A One-Act Musical Farce Book, Music, and Lyrics by Joe M. Turner Copyright 1993, All Rights Reserved CONTACT: Joe M. Turner 940 Chippendale Lane Norcross, GA 30093 (770) 931-8973 SEVENTH DRAFT August 1993 CAST OF CHARACTERS in order of appearance Mallory Millford: A young, overbearing teller and a dictator in training. Daughter of the founder of the Millford banks. Stanley Sternworthy: An unlucky young man for whom Mallory's insensitivity is the last straw. Christopher Carmichael: A handsome guy, a little lacking in concentration, but completely devoted to winning Laura's heart. Laura Lovelace: Pretty young object of Christopher's affection, she enjoys all the attention but she'd never admit it. Bernard Barrister: Soon-to-be-retired bank manager, willing to do just about anything to stay in the good graces of the Millfords until he can get his pension. Dennis Donovan: A plainclothes cop, he shares a house with Christopher. Nothing much surprises Dennis anymore. Robert Ruddman: A somewhat hermaphroditic and semi-schizophrenic novice bank robber. Policeman: Brought in for support by Dennis. BankNote$ A One-Act Musical Farce A bank. It is nine a.m. There are three tellers' windows; from stage right, CHRISTOPHER's, MALLORY'S, and LAURA's. There is a table stage right. MR. BARRISTER is at the manager's desk, stage left. The main entrance is UC. Laura and Christopher are at her window. STANLEY, a customer, is at Mallory's window. They are having a somewhat heated discussion. Attention shifts between Mallory & Stanley and Laura & Christopher throughout the scene. MALLORY (smug and cheerful) I understand that, sir, but your inability to find a job is not of particular concern to Millford Omniplex Metrobank, nor is your apparent tendency to lose whatever jobs you do manage to find, nor your exhaustive repertoire of excuses. What is of utmost importance to us, however, is this quite large number under "amount due" and its lack of all proportion to the rather small number under "balance paid." Of course, "balance" is hardly the right word; I think "void" is much more appropriate. STANLEY But to foreclose so suddenly...? MALLORY It's really not all that sudden, sir. Look at your statements. Loan amount on one side, payments received on the other. Now, your account has seemingly been closed on one side for months already. We are merely trying to restore some measure of symmetry to the page. Attention shifts. CHRISTOPHER Why don't we go downtown for lunch today? My roommate Dennis told me about this little Mexican restaurant that makes a great taco salad. My treat? LAURA Christopher, you ask me this every day. I just can't go out with you. CHRISTOPHER Why not? It's just a lunch date. And you'd have police protection -- Dennis would be right across the street! LAURA You know how Mr. Barrister feels about co-workers dating. It can make working together awkward... CHRISTOPHER Not half as awkward as turning me down every day! Attention shifts. STANLEY Isn't there anyone else I can talk to about this? MALLORY You could take it up with Mr. Barrister, the manager ... She points at Mr. Barrister, who is currently stamping the word "REJECT" on loan applications with a large rubber stamp. BERNARD Nope. (stamp) Forget it. (stamp) No way. (stamp) Sorry, Mother. (stamp) MALLORY ... but you must understand that he knows the rules even better than I do. No, I'm afraid this situation is quite beyond any eleventh hour reprieves. I suggest you go on home now, and hope against hope that in your mailbox you find a letter saying that you have won the sweepstakes, gotten a very large tax refund, received an inheritance, or otherwise miraculously acquired exactly (checks balance) nine thousand, eight hundred forty-eight dollars, so that we can settle the matter of this loan out of court. In the event that you find no such letter, it might be wise to begin looking for legal counsel. Attention shifts. LAURA Mr. Barrister wouldn't like it. CHRISTOPHER We COULD go down to the deli and get sandwiches. That wouldn't really be a date. Just sandwiches. LAURA No, Christopher. CHRISTOPHER We could get them to go and bring them back here. Then it definitely wouldn't be a date. It would be -- an errand! Yeah, just a lunch errand! We could run an errand together, right? LAURA I'm sorry, but I can't. Look, it's not that I don't want to. I'd love to go to lunch with you, but you know Mr. Barrister. CHRISTOPHER What he doesn't know won't hurt him. LAURA I won't be dishonest. CHRISTOPHER What if I got written permission? You know, like a permission slip for a field trip? LAURA If you can get him to change the rules, we'll talk. Attention shifts. STANLEY Nine thousand, eight hundred forty-eight dollars! But you don't understand! I have nothing! I've been evicted, I'm unemployed, and I'm flat broke! There's nowhere I can go! I don't even have money for lunch! MALLORY In that case I'd hope for nine thousand, eight hundred forty-NINE dollars and thirty-five cents, for a soda and a Twinkie. Good day, sir. STANLEY (sullen) You'll be sorry! You'll all be sorry! Stanley exits through the main door. LAURA Mallory, don't you... MALLORY I beg your pardon? LAURA "Ms. Millford,..." MALLORY That's better. LAURA I was just going to say, well, weren't you a little hard on him? MALLORY Not really -- facts are facts. Life is hard. He'll just have to deal with it. LAURA Maybe, but he looked so depressed! CHRISTOPHER Yeah, "Mizz Millford," it did get kind of rough. And that Twinkie thing was a low blow. MALLORY I just like to inject a little of my personality into my work. LAURA He looked so pitiful I thought my heart would just break! I just wanted to go hug him and ask if there was anything I could do to help... CHRISTOPHER (to Laura) Did I tell you I got a parking ticket? BERNARD Ms. Millford, I'd like to have a word with you. MALLORY What do you want? (pause) Sir? BERNARD Well, actually this concerns all of you. Mr. Carmichael, Ms. Lovelace. CHRISTOPHER What's wrong, Mr. Barrister? BERNARD We have received a memo from the board. Seems another lawsuit has been filed against the bank for "psychological damages resulting from verbal devaluation by a bank employee." LAURA Wonder who that could be? CHRISTOPHER That's ridiculous! How can you file suit for having your feelings hurt? Much less win? BERNARD These days you could have a suit filed against you for wearing that tie, Mr. Carmichael. And as unlikely as it seems, if enough suits are filed, sooner or later someone is going to win. MALLORY Mr. Barrister, I can see what this is leading up to, and I am quite certain I have done nothing illegal... BERNARD Oh, there's no need to worry, Ms. Millford. You have done nothing illegal and we have no grounds for your dismissal. Of course, even if we did, I value your skills far too much to even consider such a drastic course of action over such a trifling matter... CHRISTOPHER I'm sure Chairman Millford would agree. MALLORY Leave Daddy out of this. BERNARD Yes. Well. Regardless, the board has responded to this latest lawsuit with a series of guidelines for dealing with our patrons. Effective immediately, all Metrobank employees will begin interacting with customers on a much more personal level. We are to take interest in their jobs, their families, their health. We are to engage them in conversation and become trusted friends, esteemed neighbors, and in the process, much less likely to be sued. CHRISTOPHER Think you can handle the pressure, Ms. Millford? MALLORY Watch it, Carmichael. BERNARD Please! There is more. This new "intimacy" will also apply to our working relationships. Beginning today, we will all formally be on a first name basis: Christopher, Mallory, Laura. Of course, outside regular business hours you may use "Mr." and "Ms." and "yes, sir" or "ma'am", but at work total informality will be rigidly enforced. CHRISTOPHER This applies to all bank employees? BERNARD Everyone, I'm afraid. Completely informal -- no exceptions. CHRISTOPHER Okay, Bernie! BERNARD Not THAT informal, Christopher. You may call me "Bernard." CHRISTOPHER Not even...? BERNARD BERNARD. LAURA (to Christopher) If that taco salad is really important to you, maybe you shouldn't upset the man with the tostitos! CHRISTOPHER Bernard it is! MALLORY Is that all, Bernard? BERNARD Not quite. As you all know, I plan to retire next year, and after forty years with this bank, I intend to go out on top. Therefore, this branch is going to be a shining example to the whole company. If the other branches are friendly, we will be more friendly. If they are informal, we will be more informal. We will be the most caring, sensitive, concerned, and politically correct branch of Millford Omniplex Metrobank anywhere. Music vamp begins... From this moment forward, each of us will care about each patron's personal life and problems until it hurts! MALLORY Us or them? BERNARD Both! We'll be... Aggressively compassionate, we'll love as we serve. It's what our patrons deserve! We'll be sensitive and caring And slightly overbearing While wearing on their last good nerve! We'll love them like their mothers and we'll treat them like kin. The sooner we begin The sooner we'll know If we'll have to go To court again! Compulsively congenial, we will shake every hand. It's what our patrons demand. Be kind and warm and tender Regardless of their gender Remember, sexist talk can get you canned! Political correctness is a pain in the rear But we will never veer From fluffing each word Though it sounds absurd It's gospel here! Begin By asking how they've been. CHRISTOPHER So how's your mother? LAURA Would you like a toaster? MALLORY Each of you has fallen off your beam! BERNARD Just try Your best to satisfy... MALLORY (spoken) No! (sung) It's just another Cotton-candy-coated, backward, double-talking scheme! No one with half a brain would ever fall For this kind of scatterbrained, illogical Attempt to con them into thinking you're some kind of saint! BERNARD I know it's possible this plan will fail But all we can do is keep on hoping they'll Ignore the ACLU's offer BERNARD, CHRISTOPHER, and LAURA To handle their complaint! BERNARD We must be unrelenting in pursuit of our goal: Coerce, connive, and cajole! We'll have customers defending Our policies of lending Thus ending our offending role! To get this plan in action we must be resolute, Avoiding ill repute! For if we succeed They'll have no more need To prosecute! ALL (except Mallory) Aggressively compassionate, we'll love as we serve. It's what our patrons deserve! We'll be sensitive and caring And slightly overbearing While wearing on their last good nerve! BERNARD You too, Mallory! ALL (plus MALLORY, reluctantly) We'll love them like their mothers and we'll treat them like kin. The sooner we begin The sooner we'll know If we'll have to go To court again! BERNARD Okay, everyone. Back to work. And be nice, or else! DENNIS enters as everyone returns to their places. Bernard rushes to shake his hand and speak to him. BERNARD Hello, my name is Bernard. What's yours? DENNIS Dennis Donovan. Could I speak with ... BERNARD Welcome to Millford Omniplex Metrobank, Dennis. I once had an uncle named Dennis. He had terrible bunions all over his feet. Could I help you open an account? Or maybe we could talk, just you and me. Would you like a cup of coffee? Have you ever passed a gallstone? You know, I have a mole that looks like a silhouette of Ed McMahon! (he starts to lift his pants leg) DENNIS Excuse me? BERNARD I'm sorry, I'm new at this. Maybe Christopher can help you. Christopher, this is Dennis Donovan. CHRISTOPHER Oh, hi Dennis, I'm glad you're here. I'm supposed to tell you that Lieutenant Larrimore is out of town until Friday. Your mother called and wants you to call her later this afternoon, something about your Aunt Merideth's trip to Europe. You need to check on a package at the post office today. Oh, and the electric bill is due this afternoon, so don't forget to go by there on the way to the station. BERNARD (after a pause, amazed) Very good! Amazing... Bernard returns to his desk while Christopher and Dennis move to the table DR. DENNIS I know you asked me to come by, but I'm on duty, so we have to make it quick. What's up? CHRISTOPHER I need a favor. DENNIS This is about the girl, isn't it? CHRISTOPHER Yeah. She keeps turning me down. I think I could get her to change her mind if I could just tell her how I feel. DENNIS So why don't you? CHRISTOPHER I don't know. I don't seem to be getting anywhere talking to her, but I 've been working on this note -- and that's where you come in. DENNIS Christopher, I'm a cop, not a matchmaker! Oh, all right. Let's hear it. CHRISTOPHER It's kind of personal. DENNIS How personal could it be? Come on -- I've seen you sit and eat a TV dinner while wearing nothing but week-old boxer shorts. This letter is not going to lessen my opinion of you. (he motions Christopher to hand him the note) CHRISTOPHER No, no -- I'll read it to you. "Dear Laura, Go out with me. Please. Sincerely, Christopher." DENNIS That's it? CHRISTOPHER I told you it wasn't finished. DENNIS Look, you've got to be a lot more delicate than that. CHRISTOPHER How about, "Dear Laura, Please go out with me, ok? Yours TRULY, Christopher." DENNIS Better, but it needs work. First, I would decide what I really wanted from this girl. Is it just dinner, or do you want more, like a real relationship? CHRISTOPHER I want dinner, THEN a relationship! DENNIS Everything? CHRISTOPHER Yeah, I guess so. Everything. DENNIS Then tell her! CHRISTOPHER So like, "Dear Laura, I want everything?" DENNIS That could work, but you need to follow it up. Music begins. CHRISTOPHER (writing) How about this: "Dear" -- no, "My Dearest Sweetheart..." DENNIS Oh, brother. CHRISTOPHER Give me everything you've got. I know you know what I want from you. Give me everything you've got. If you don't, who knows what I'll do? Don't tell me no. I know you've got a lot to give. If you tell me no, you may regret it As long as you live! If you think I'm here to hurt you, I can promise you I'm not. I'm just saying, Give me everything you've got. If you think I'm here to hurt you, I can promise you I'm not. I'm just saying, Give me everything you've got. DENNIS (takes paper, looks at it) This is good! Can I use it? CHRISTOPHER Let's see if it works, first. BERNARD (looking up from his desk) Christopher, please -- hold it down! Isn't this break getting a little long? CHRISTOPHER Yes sir! I mean, yes Bernard. (to Dennis) Here, let me sign it and get back to work. Attention shifts upstage. LAURA Mallory, I'm out of deposit slips. Have you got any extras? MALLORY No. Check under Christopher's counter. LAURA Do you think he'll mind if I take some? MALLORY (derisively) He'll never notice. Attention is back on Christopher and Dennis. CHRISTOPHER Ok, now I'm going to finish my break -- I can't stand to be in here when you give it to her. DENNIS Fine. Count to fifty. I'll be gone when you come out. CHRISTOPHER Great. Christopher starts to leave the lobby. DENNIS Wait -- which one is she? CHRISTOPHER Just give it to the girl on the right. At this moment, Laura is in Christopher's place behind the counter getting the deposit slips. This puts her to Dennis's left as he looks upstage. DENNIS The one on the right. Got it. Christopher exits. Dennis moves to the center window. Excuse me. I think this is for you. MALLORY I beg your pardon? DENNIS This is for you. From Christopher. MALLORY Well, let's have it. DENNIS Maybe you should read it alone. It's kind of personal. MALLORY Just hand it over. DENNIS I'm not going to stick around for this. You two have a good time! MALLORY What? Dennis exits, bumping into a very nervous ROBERT as he enters through the main doors. Laura returns to her own position. DENNIS Hey, watch where you're going! Be careful! ROBERT (frantic) Sorry! I'm sorry! (trying to regain composure) Okay, okay. Everything's fine. Right. Music Underscore: EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT (I). MALLORY (reading the note,very loud) Oh my God! No! ROBERT (startled) What? What's wrong? LAURA May I help you? ROBERT No! Not yet! Not yet! I mean, no thank you. Not at the moment. I'll get started in a minute. LAURA Well, my name is Laura, if you need any help, just ask. ROBERT Right. Laura. Got it. Okay, everything's fine. Right. Just go over to the table and write the note. As Robert moves to the table DR, Christopher returns to his place. CHRISTOPHER I'm back. Did you miss me? MALLORY You have got to be kidding! Stay away from me! I mean it! Mallory moves away from the counter and moves to the vault. CHRISTOPHER Laura, do you have anything you want to say to me? LAURA (hesitant) I don't think so. CHRISTOPHER Are you sure? LAURA Yes. Am I forgetting something? CHRISTOPHER Didn't you get something that you want to talk to me about? LAURA Oh, yes! I remember! CHRISTOPHER Great! So how do you feel about it? Did I brighten your day? LAURA I guess so -- I just hate it when I run out of deposit slips! Robert has produced a piece of paper from his jacket and begins to write his note. Music begins. He has a large handgun that is visible to the audience but not to the bank employees. ROBERT (furiously writing and erasing) Dear teller, give me the money. No, give me ALL the money... Give me everything you've got. I know you know what I want from you. Give me everything you've got. If you don't, who knows what I'll do? Don't tell me no. I know you've got a lot to give. If you tell me no, you may regret it As long as you live! If you think I'm here to hurt you, I can promise you I'm not. I'm just saying, Give me everything you've got. If you think I'm here to hurt you, I can promise you I'm not. I'm just saying, Give me everything you've got. Okay, that's it. Have you got the gun? Yes. Okay, okay. Everything's fine. Now give the note to the teller. Oh, Laura? Bernard gets up to speak to Robert. BERNARD Hello, my name is Bernard. What's yours? ROBERT (quickly hiding the gun) Uh, Robert. No! Not Robert! Reginald! Regina! Yes! BERNARD Welcome to Millford Omniplex Bank, Regin...Rob...Welcome! Oh dear, this really isn't as easy as it sounds. Are you feeling okay? ROBERT I'll be all right. BERNARD Is anyone helping you? I saw you over here alone and thought... ROBERT No, I don't need any help. BERNARD Well maybe you'd like some company, then? No patron of Millford Omniplex Metrobank should ever feel alone, you know. We are here to support you in whatever transaction you feel you are ready to undertake. We thrive on commitment. Are you married? Seeing anyone special? What kind of person do you find attractive? I don't mean to pry. ROBERT Actually, I was just going to give this to the teller... BERNARD I know I'm not very good at this, but why don't you come have a seat and a cup of coffee. Did you know I used to collect stamps? Bernard takes the note out of Robert's hands. I'll take care of this for you. Laura? LAURA Yes, Bernard? BERNARD Take care of this for Mr...Miss...our friend here. On second thought, why don't you give it to Christopher -- he's been goofing off all morning. LAURA Yes, Bernard. Bernard and Robert sit at the desk. Robert keeps looking over his shoulder. BERNARD Now, let me tell you about our Value Plus savings program. It's the perfect savings account for a young single...for someone like you. ROBERT I really don't need...oh my. That note! Okay, okay. Everything's fine. Right. Oh God! Laura goes over to Christopher's window to hand him the note. LAURA Christopher, this is for you. CHRISTOPHER Really? For me? Thank you! Music Underscore: EVERYTHING YOU'VE GOT (II) Oh, this is wonderful! Thank you! I'm so glad you feel this way, too! (pause) In fact, it's amazing how much our thoughts are alike. LAURA What are you talking about? CHRISTOPHER This note you gave me. It's almost like I wrote it myself. We must be soul-mates, destined to be lovers from the beginning of time! This note is overflowing with blazing passion. It's making my heart pound! LAURA Oh, it's not from me. It's from Bernard. CHRISTOPHER (horrified) Bernard? Music underscore ends with a sour note. Attention is on the manager's desk. BERNARD So, there you have it. Now what kind of account would you like to open? ROBERT Sir, you don't... BERNARD No, don't call me "sir!" Just "Bernard." We're all friends at Millford Omniplex... ROBERT Omniplex Metrobank. Yeah, I know. But you don't understand. I came to take money out of the bank, not put money in. BERNARD Oh, a loan! Why didn't you say so? Loans are one of our specialties, you know. We do them all the time. All we'll need is a little collateral. ROBERT (with uncertain forcefulness) All I've got is this! Robert pulls the gun on Bernard. BERNARD Oh, that's very nice! Bernard reaches over and deftly disarms Robert as if to examine the gun close up. Yes, this will do quite nicely. Quite nicely indeed! We can put it in a safe-deposit box for you, if you'd like! ROBERT Wait! You're not supposed to... BERNARD This is very sturdy! Very clean, too. Very well, I'll just put this in the vault and we can work out the terms of your loan. Laura, come help me with the safe deposit boxes, please! (She comes to help) It's such a pleasure doing business with you! Such a pleasure! ROBERT Wait! Come back! This is not going very well at all! Robert stifles a sob as Bernard and Laura take the gun to the vault. They nearly collide with Mallory as she exits from the vault. She is carrying the rejection note she has written for Christopher. MALLORY Watch it! LAURA Sorry! Mallory crosses to Christopher. MALLORY Hah! Christopher, you little insect -- to think you could hit on me like that and get away with it! CHRISTOPHER What? MALLORY (music begins) Shut up! You're not getting anything from me So you can just forget it! If you want to try it, you will see Just how much you'll regret it! I'm not the kind of person you can just prey upon. If you've a mind to try it, you can just dream on! Not a lot of things in life have such an iron-clad guarantee, But bank on this, mister: You're not getting anything from me! You're not getting anything from me I don't care how you're pining. Take a dose of hard reality And don't start any whining! I'd never give you one red cent or one backward glance! Whatever gave you the idea you stood a chance? If it makes you happy, go ahead -- indulge in your fantasy But you can bet, buddy, You're not getting anything from me! Oh, you can bet, buddy, You're not getting anything from me! From me! CHRISTOPHER Okay! Okay! I'll do whatever you want. Just don't hurt me! MALLORY Just keep your distance! CHRISTOPHER What brought this on? MALLORY As if you didn't know! What was that little trick with your roommate and this love letter, you lecherous little rodent! CHRISTOPHER Wait! Let me see that! MALLORY Here! (she gives it to him) CHRISTOPHER (he examines the letter) How did you get this? It wasn't for you, it was supposed to be for Laura! MALLORY Your grimy roommate gave it to me before he left, just like you told him to! CHRISTOPHER No, I told him to give it to Laura! Honest! There's been some kind of mistake! (thinking of a relationship with Mallory) Obviously there's been a terrible, horrible, ghastly, appalling mistake! A dreadful, horrifying... MALLORY That's enough. CHRISTOPHER Would you do me a favor? Just put this note over on Laura's counter for me. That's where it was supposed to go to begin with. MALLORY Okay. (pause) But you keep your distance! Mallory starts to leave. CHRISTOPHER Wait! There's one more thing. MALLORY What is it? CHRISTOPHER You know this note you wrote for me? MALLORY Yes? CHRISTOPHER Can I borrow it? I need it for Bernard. MALLORY What? CHRISTOPHER Bernard! He's ... you know. MALLORY No! CHRISTOPHER Yes! MALLORY How do you know? CHRISTOPHER This note he wrote to me. Of course, it IS very well written, but come on! We just aren't "right" for each other, if you catch my drift. MALLORY When did you get it? CHRISTOPHER A few minutes ago. Laura delivered for him. MALLORY Did she know what she was doing? CHRISTOPHER Well, she didn't seem... surprised, if that's what you mean. MALLORY It figures! I'm always the last one to know anything around here! (pause) Bernard! Who would have guessed? CHRISTOPHER I didn't believe it either, but apparantly he's got the hots for me. That's why I need to borrow your note. I need to... discourage him. MALLORY Well, I guess you can use it. But if he asks, I didn't write it. I've got enough problems without a jilted administrator blaming me for a botched romance. CHRISTOPHER Don't talk like that! It's not a romance. Just give me the note! She gives him her note and they return to their windows. Mallory places Christopher's note on Laura's counter as Bernard and Laura return from the vault. ROBERT Wait! Listen, I really didn't want you to put my gun in there. Would you please go get it? BERNARD I can assure you it's perfectly safe. Anytime you want to see it, just show this key (he gives him a small key) to one of the tellers and they will get your safe-deposit box. Now make sure you don't lose it! Maybe you should put it in your wallet until you get home. Would you like a little envelope? Robert nods meekly, takes out his wallet and puts the key inside. Of course! Now, we just have a few more papers to sign on your safe- deposit box and then we can start working on your loan. Here's a pen... (to Laura) Thank you, Laura. Laura is returning to her window. MALLORY (to Laura) How long have you known that Bernard was a homosexual? LAURA Bernard is what? MALLORY You mean you didn't know? LAURA Not until just now! How do you know? MALLORY Christopher told me. CHRISTOPHER It all makes sense now! Of course! Now I know why he wouldn't let us go out together -- he wants to keep me all to himself! MALLORY Don't flatter yourself. CHRISTOPHER It's all in this note he wrote me. LAURA Wait, this is about that note? CHRISTOPHER The one you gave me. You said it was from Bernard. LAURA Well, he handed it to me, but he didn't write it. CHRISTOPHER and MALLORY Well who did? LAURA Him. They all look at Robert, who is signing papers at Bernard's desk. CHRISTOPHER Who's that? LAURA Just a customer. His name is Robert. He just rented a safe-deposit box. CHRISTOPHER So how did Bernard get the note? LAURA He got it from Robert. MALLORY (aghast) Wait, so Bernard and Robert are ... ? CHRISTOPHER (indicating Robert's note) Not for long, seeing how Robert feels about me! MALLORY Maybe he wants to break up. Bernard is kind of old for him. (to Laura) Did he say anything to you? LAURA No, nobody said anything to me until I came back over here. Look, I don't know if they are "together" or not. CHRISTOPHER Well, it doesn't matter. I just have to find out who wrote this note so I'll know who gets this one! LAURA Robert wrote the note. CHRISTOPHER You're absolutely sure? LAURA I saw him write it. He went over to the table and wrote that note. CHRISTOPHER Fine. When he comes back, make sure he gets this. He hands Laura the rejection note. LAURA Why don't you give it to him yourself? Or you could just talk to him... CHRISTOPHER Why should I? You're the expert on turning people down around here. Besides, if he's lonely, let him do what Mallory does. MALLORY And what's that? CHRISTOPHER 1-900-BIG-STUD. (Mallory hits him) Oww! Attention is back on Bernard's desk. BERNARD And right there... and initial there... Okay, that's the last one! Now, I believe you've already met Laura, right? Good. Just go over to her window and she'll help you with the remaining paperwork for your loan. And welcome to our Millford Omniplex Metrobank family! Millford Omniplex Metrobank -- M.O.M. -- the bank that loves you like your mother! Robert starts for the tellers' windows. MALLORY Here he comes! Everyone look busy! Laura finds the note (Christopher's) on her desk. LAURA What's this? ROBERT (to himself) Okay, okay. I'll just do it without the gun. It's been done before. (he tries putting his finger in his pocket to see how it looks) Great. My .357 Magnum looks more like a number 2 pencil. He sees that Laura is reading a note. The blonde. Okay. Here goes nothing. (he goes to Laura's window) Excuse me, I believe you have my note? LAURA Oh, did you write this one, too? ROBERT (sees that the note is not his) Wait, this isn't mine. Didn't you have the one I wrote a few minutes ago? LAURA Well, yes, I saw that one. And I'm afraid this is the response. I'm sorry. Better luck next time! ROBERT Uhh, response? I didn't think my note really called for a response. They usually don't require an answer, do they? LAURA I hope you'll forgive me for being the bearer of bad news. ROBERT Let me see it. Robert takes the note and reads it. Music underscore: YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING FROM ME. He looks at the note, then at Laura, then at the note again. He begins crying loudly to the heavens as he sinks to the floor in front of the counter. It's just not fair! It's not supposed to be this hard! (he cries) LAURA (moving around front to help him) Umm, Robert? It's not that bad. Have you thought about a personal ad? MALLORY (quietly,to Christopher) He's not taking it very well. Maybe you were a little hard on him. CHRISTOPHER You wrote the note! BERNARD What's going on over there? Oh, no! What are you doing to the customer? Bernard goes over to investigate as Stanley enters and moves to the table DR. STANLEY (notices Robert crying) Looks like the Ice Queen has struck again! He moves to the table and writes his suicide note. Music vamp begins. I broke my lease so I'm gonna get sued Went down to the bank and the teller was rude. Why is she so upset? I'm the one getting screwed! If life's a dog, then I must be the tree! Yep, a shot in the head would be a shot in the arm for me! I was lucky to find a new place to stay No utility fees or deposits to pay Guess I shouldn't complain. The sidewalk's okay! It's cold, it's hard, but hey, now I live rent free! Yep, a shot in the head would be a shot in the arm for me! I'm giving up -- no need to cry. There's really not a need to wonder why. I've had enough of everything. It's time to let the fat lady sing! Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, Just when I thought I was gonna reverse All the bad luck I've had -- Hell, just call a hearse! I know that I'm a terrible sight to see, Yep, a shot in the head would be a shot in the arm for me! Brother, you think you've got it bad? Ever found your own wife in bed with your dad? Fella, that's the BEST day that I ever had! My life's an exercise in futility. But a shot in the head would be a shot in the Oh, a shot in the head would be a shot in the Oh, a shot in the head would be a shot in the arm for me! Stanley moves to speak to Bernard, who is trying to comfort Robert. BERNARD Hello, my name is Bernard. What's yours? STANLEY Stanley. I want you to... BERNARD Nice to meet you, Stanley. Welcome to Millford Omniplex Metrobank. As you can see, we're having a bit of a crisis at the moment. If you would have a seat, I'll be with you as soon as possible. Thank you so much! Bernard escorts Stanley to the desk, then returns to Robert. STANLEY Typical. I'll just have to do it here. He puts the note on Bernard's desk and tries to determine the proper posture for suicide: sitting, standing, away from the desk, etc. He moves into an open area and pulls out a handgun. I guess this is it! One, two,.... Robert sees the gun. ROBERT WAIT! STANLEY What is it? ROBERT (moving to Stanley) Can I borrow that? STANLEY She did it to you too, huh? Sure, you can borrow it -- after I'm done with it! ROBERT What are you talking about? STANLEY (comforting) I know -- you feel confused, betrayed. She does that to a lot of people. It's unfair, but the world is full of people just like her. That's why I'm leaving. Well, that and Madonna. But I'm leaving, just the same! ROBERT Leaving? You mean you're committing... STANLEY Yep. Now stand back, I wouldn't want to get anything on you. No more loans, no more tellers, and no more Charles and Diana! (or any other current annoying news item) One, two,... ROBERT Oh, no you don't! Robert grabs Stanley's arm. Robbery is one thing, but if someone dies in here, it's a whole new can of worms! There's no way you're committing suicide with me in here! STANLEY Then you'd better leave, because I'm pulling this trigger! ROBERT I was here first -- you leave! STANLEY No, I was here before you, but I left and came back. You leave! They struggle ("No, you leave!" "No, you leave!"). The gun goes off once, but no one is hurt. When it's all over, Robert has the gun. ROBERT All right, everyone out front. I mean everyone! BERNARD Don't shoot us, please! Millford Omniplex Metrobank loves robbers! I'm sure we can work something out! Maybe you should try some decaf! Would you like the name of my chiropractor? ROBERT Shut up, old man! Get on the floor! BERNARD Oh God, we're all going to die! I knew this "nice and friendly" thing was a waste of time! MALLORY Oh give it a rest, Bernard! Just get on your knees. CHRISTOPHER (to Laura) Boy, doesn't that taco salad sound good about now? Too bad we'll never get that lunch date, now that we're ABOUT TO DIE! You just couldn't give in, could you? It would have been too much to ask, to go to lunch with plain old me! I wasn't good enough for you! Well, now how do you feel, "Miss Untouchable?" "Miss Unreachable?" "Miss Impossible Dream?" (Laura slaps him.) Please tell me that was a love pat. ROBERT Quiet! Everyone down! Christopher, Mallory, Laura, and Bernard move in front of the tellers' counter and kneel. Stanley moves SL of Robert and faces him with his head hung and his arms out to his sides. STANLEY Go ahead. Shoot me. Please! ROBERT You! Get over on the floor! STANLEY No, I'm ready to die. Give it to me. ROBERT Don't push me! STANLEY (moving toward him) No, I mean it. Shoot me! Shoot me! ROBERT (to the heavens) This is so unfair! I guess just a coupla thousand bucks woulda been too much to ask? STANLEY Look, either you shoot me or I take that gun back and do it myself! ROBERT Don't make me do this! They fight and the gun goes off again as Stanley retrieves it, but no one is injured. STANLEY Oh, great. My last bullet. ROBERT You only brought two bullets? STANLEY To be honest, I thought it was more than enough. Nobody told me I had to bring enough to share with everyone. ROBERT (again, to the heavens) You just don't stop, do you? A POLICEMAN enters through the main door. POLICEMAN Freeze! Nobody move! Everyone except Robert puts their hands in the air. Okay, what's going on here? BERNARD What, do you think we run this bank from the lotus position? We're being robbed, you imbecile! MALLORY Now, now, Bernard. Aggressively compassionate, you know. POLICEMAN (to Stanley) Drop the gun! Dennis enters. DENNIS Wait, it's not him! It's that one! (he indicates Robert) CHRISTOPHER What are you doing here? DENNIS I bumped into him when I was leaving and I felt something hard. STANLEY Oh, that's disgusting! DENNIS No, no! I felt the gun under his coat! And when I went to the post office for that package, guess whose picture I saw on the wall? CHRISTOPHER Mallory's? (Mallory punches him in the arm) Just kidding! DENNIS Robert Ruddman -- formerly "Rosalyn" -- wanted for armed robbery. Of a Swedish sex-change clinic! POLICEMAN (to Stanley) You're the one who apprehended her...him? STANLEY Yeah, I guess. POLICEMAN Well, I need your name for the report. Last name first, first name last. STANLEY Can I plead the fifth? You guys are probably going to be chasing ME tomorrow, if the vampire goddess gets her way. BERNARD (to Mallory) That's you, right? What is he talking about? MALLORY We started foreclosure proceedings on him this morning. He defaulted on his loan and owes us over nine thousand dollars. POLICEMAN Well, buddy, I wouldn't worry too much about that. You just bagged a twenty thousand dollar reward! STANLEY I can pay off my loan? POLICEMAN And have ten thousand in gravy left over. BERNARD Stanley! My friend! Now, you know you're going to need a place to put all that money for safekeeping. Let me tell you about some of our accounts for young, extremely wealthy people like yourself... DENNIS It'll have to wait -- we need him down at the station right now. Okay, everyone out! ROBERT (to Bernard, on the way out) Wait! Can I still get that loan? I need bail money! Stanley, Dennis and the Policeman exit with Robert. BERNARD Okay, back to work! The tellers return to their respective windows behind the counter. CHRISTOPHER (to Laura) You know, I just want to tell you that I was really stressed back there and I didn't mean all that stuff I said... LAURA (holding Christopher's note) You mean you want me to forget this note? CHRISTOPHER Are you sure that's the one I wrote? LAURA I think it is. And I'll tell you something, buddy, you're NOT getting everything I've got. CHRISTOPHER I understand. LAURA But if you play your cards right you might swing a taco salad! Bernard is sitting at his desk. BERNARD (realizing that Robert's gun is in the vault) Wait just a minute! They'll need that guy's gun for evidence! Bernard exits to retrieve the gun from the vault. MALLORY What's Bernard up to now? LAURA I don't know. What's that on his desk? Christopher moves to look at the note on Bernard's desk. Music underscore: A SHOT IN THE HEAD. CHRISTOPHER Guys, you're not going to believe this. I think Bernard's been overcome by the stress! MALLORY What do you mean? CHRISTOPHER Look at this note! The tellers read the note as Bernard exits from the vault with the gun. BERNARD This sure is heavy... CHRISTOPHER Stop him! The tellers attack Bernard to prevent him from committing suicide. Don't do it, Bernie! LAURA There's so much to live for! MALLORY Things could be worse! (pause) Maybe! The lights fade as the tellers are "saving" Bernard. CURTAIN CALL: Music begins. One verse plays as the company takes their bows: the Policeman, Dennis and Stanley, Christopher & Laura, Bernard, Robert and Mallory. If desired, the company can sing one verse at this point. The lights fade after a group bow. COMPANY Aggressively compassionate, we'll love as we serve. It's what our patrons deserve! We'll be sensitive and caring And slightly overbearing While wearing on their last good nerve! We'll love them like their mothers and we'll treat them like kin. The sooner we begin The sooner we'll know If we'll have to go To court again!