Burnin' Hope a play by Jim Fritzler Jim Fritzler 7306 Marcell Austin, TX 78752 (512) 419-7208 Last Re-Write: 9/9/97 Characters: SHELLY ASHLEY CHIP RUTA LEE / HOPE / ACTOR 1 WINK MARTINDALE / AUDIENCE / ACTOR 2 Notes: The play is to be performed by five actors, three women and two men. What is described does not necessarily need to be seen. The set needs nothing more than three recliners or a couch and a recliner. The only essential props are two cans of diet Dr. Pepper, a bottle of beer, a rope and a shotgun. The gun blasts need not be live or bloody. BURNIN' HOPE had it's premiere at The John Henry Faulk Living Theatre in Austin, Texas, September 5, 1997. Directed and Designed by Jim Fritzler. With: Shelby Brammer as Shelly, Ana Perea as Ashley, Dana Younger as Chip, Mike McKinley as Wink Martindale, and Lana Dieterich as Ruta Lee. Burnin' Hope ACT I (Lights up on SHELLY and ASHLEY seated in two of the three recliners. They sip on Diet Dr. Peppers.) SHELLY: So she says to me, she says... ASHLEY: So which do you like better, "The Price is Right" or "Supermarket Sweep"? SHELLY: And I say, "'Supermarket Sweep'?! That's on Cable!" ASHLEY: And I say, "What's the diff?" SHELLY: And I says, "There is no comparison between Cable and Network Shows." ASHLEY: So I say, "Oh. All right. How about 'Hollywood Squares', then?" SHELLY: And I say, "That's not on anymore!" ASHLEY: And I says, kinda snotty, "Who cares if it's not on anymore, which do you like better?" SHELLY: And I didn't say nothin! I had to think about this one. Since they took off "High Rollers Two With Ruta Lee", oh, years ago, game shows just haven't been the same for me. I mean, since that first time I saw Queen For a Day when I was a little kid, I became a game-show fanatic. Watchin' those poor ladies spill their guts about their personal tragedies THEN compete for the chance to make it all better? Well, it sucked me in like dirt up a vaccuum-cleaner hose. I don't know why. I guess it was the chance to make it all better that I liked. That's what game shows are about. A chance to make it all better. Turn the tables. Get out of that rut. For the winners anyway. There's losers, but I try not to think about them. ASHLEY: What are you doing? SHELLY: Thinkin' about it. ASHLEY: It's not that hard a question. You think too much. SHELLY: No I don't. ASHLEY: She does though, you know. She's always trying to figure it all out. Not her life. The TV. Thinks about everything. And, if you think she's bad about TV shows, you should see the rest of her life. Shabby and dull, I say. Barely one step above a trailer-home. Just no drive with those two. SHELLY: "Hollywood Squares", I guess. ASHLEY: What?! Oh. Why? SHELLY: Oh, I knew you were gonna ask that. Well, ... ASHLEY: And thar she blows! That brain just rattling away! My God, if I thought that much I wouldn't have time for nothin'. Maybe that's why they get nowhere. Too busy thinking about where to go to get anywhere. The both of them. (CHIP enters with a beer and sits.) CHIP: And I comes in and say, "Hi." ASHLEY: And I say, "Hi." SHELLY: And I says, "Hi." CHIP: And I says, "What're ya doin?" SHELLY: "Nothing," I say. CHIP: Oh. ASHLEY: O.K. So why is "Hollywood Squares" your favorite? CHIP: Favorite what? SHELLY: Game show! ASHLEY: Her favorite game show. CHIP: Oh. ASHLEY: So? SHELLY: Well, I like the set. Though they never showed really how they got into those boxes. I thought it always looked dangerous to be up in those top boxes. The regulars almost always got the boxes on the bottom. Those old comics. ASHLEY: So, you like the set. But you said you also liked the set for "The Match Game", remember? CHIP: You like that set on "Match Game"? SHELLY: Yes. CHIP: Oh. Chuck Woolery. Ugh. SHELLY: That's "Love Connection", idiot. CHIP: Oh. ASHLEY: So, if it isn't the set what is it? CHIP: Yeah, you got my curiosity piqued. SHELLY: Oh, "piqued", huh? CHIP: Yes, piqued. SHELLY: Oh, shut up. CHIP: You shut up. SHELLY: And suddenly I hollered, "Look at the T.V.!!!!! ASHLEY: And we turned to look at the T.V. And you know what? There was nothing there. We stared and stared and stared. And nothing was there. SHELLY: It's just snow! CHIP: It's just snow! SHELLY: What do we do? ASHLEY: At times like this I do nothing. Something will happen. Don't panic unless the ground starts moving under your feet ... or they've got a gun. Other than that, I take it easy. And it has always worked out for me. But them? They're gonna start thinking in a minute and watch out. Making a plan of what to do. Those two. CHIP: So, I say, "We gotta do somethin'!" SHELLY: Call the cable company. CHIP: So I dial and, "It's busy." SHELLY: So keep trying! ASHLEY: Which he does. Over. And over. And over. And finally he just stops. And hangs up. SHELLY: Try it again. CHIP: I think they're already gettin' the message with all those other desperate housewives tying up the lines like that. SHELLY: So! No skin off your butt. We got speed-redial for God's sake! CHIP: So, I do like she says and start pushin' that speed-redial. Over and over and over.... I guess it's love that makes me do these things. Speed-redial. Take the trash out. Cook dinner. Do the dishes. Those things. It's not like I'm spineless. Believe me, I'm far from spineless. It's just easier. Ever since she got addicted to television. ASHLEY: What do you mean "all those desperate house wives calling in?" CHIP: What do you mean? ASHLEY: You're not a housewife. And your calling in. So ... ? CHIP: Well, I'm not USUALLY home at this time of day, ya know. SHELLY: Why ARE you home? CHIP: Trouble at work. Let me go home early. ASHLEY: And just then the TV jumped back on and everyone got quiet again. Kinda like adoring The Baby Jesus, was the look in her face. So back to my question. SHELLY: Oh. I guess it's that host. What's his name? I know everything about his show. But I have a mental block on his name. Chip, what's his name? CHIP: I don't know! SHELLY: Don't need to be so testy. Anyway, I think that's why I like it. That Bob Barker on "Price is Right", even though he's an animal lover, just always kinda gives me the creeps. Too tan, maybe. And then after that one of his spokes-models sued him for harassment. That kinda did it for me. ASHLEY: And there's stars on "Hollywood Squares" too, ya know. SHELLY: Course I know there's stars on "Hollywood Squares" it's just the host's name I forget. And I thought, "Does she think I'm that shallow." To care that much about stars bein' on that show. But suddenly I realized, "Chip, what ARE you doin' home now?" CHIP: Told ya. Trouble at work. SHELLY: He never lets you out early. CHIP: Did today. SHELLY: You didn't get fired did ya? CHIP: Yer gettin' warm. ASHLEY: Maybe it's time for me to go. SHELLY: Nothin' not meant for yer ears here. You stay Ashley. Did ya quit? CHIP: Gettin' colder now. SHELLY: Gettin' colder? What the hell does that mean? CHIP: I don't wanna talk about ... (Game show music blares as WINK MARTINDALE enters.) WINK: And suddenly ... SHELLY, ASHLEY, and CHIP: I swear to God! ... WINK: I stepped right out of her T.V. Just like in a movie, and said, "And now welcome to "YOOOOOOOU'RE HOT"! The new game show that pits husband against wife, children against parents, significant other against significant other! It's the show that says "To HELL with Family Values ... YOOOOOOOU'RE HOT"! But first let me introduce my beautiful assistant ... Ruta Lee! (RUTA LEE enters.) RUTA: And I step out of that TV, too! SHELLY: And I whisper to Ashley, "That's not Ruta Lee. I know." ASHLEY: And I say, "I know, too." Even though I didn't know Ruta Lee from a hole in the dirt. Sh! WINK: And a glorious afternoon to each and every one of you out there in TV- Land! And welcome to the premiere of "Yooooooou're HOT"! With Ruta Lee! RUTA LEE: That's Me! And a big howdy to you Wink! Isn't this exciting. ASHLEY: I'm gonna puke. CHIP: Race ya to the toilet. WINK: So ... Ashley and Chip you have been selected for our contestants on today's premiere of ... EMCEE & RUTA LEE: "Yooooooou're HOT!" ASHLEY: Me?! CHIP: Oh. SHELLY: What about me? I'm the one who watches game shows! WINK: Please, lady ... SHELLY: It's Shelly ... WINK: ... Lady. You're a watcher not a doer. So just sit there and shut- up. SHELLY: And, ya know, I thought, he's right! I AM a watcher! And is that bad? I mean aren't there enough of us all out there doin' it already? So some of us, I think, need to do the watchin'. So's we know when the doers are gettin' out of line. Ya know what I mean? WINK: So, I say, "Now, as I was saying, ready to play ... WINK & RUTA LEE: And we both say, "Yooooooou're HOT!?" ASHLEY: Do we have a choice? WINK & RUTA LEE: No. ASHLEY: Oh. CHIP: Oh. (ASHLEY, CHIP & WINK move behind the recliners using them for podiums.) WINK: O.K.! Here are the rules. Ruta Lee would you be so kind? RUTA LEE: You will have one-half hour, well actually 21 or so minutes minus the commercials, to ... FIGHT TO THE DEATH! ASHLEY: Death? WINK & RUTA LEE: Death. CHIP: Oh. ASHLEY: Oh. SHELLY: Oh. WINK: So, here's your first question .. for TEN MILLION DOLLARS! SHELLY: Ten million dollars on the first question?! RUTA LEE: You ain't seen nothin' yet. WINK: Ready? ASHLEY: O.K. CHIP: Oh. RUTA LEE: Ready, Wink! WINK: The question is ... ASHLEY: And I suddenly had some sort of sensory shut-down. And all I could hear was my brain saying, "What the hell is going on here?" I mean, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?! People crawling out of a TV into Chip and Shelly's living room! And starting a game show! And who the hell is Ruta Lee!? I mean, I'm trying to be a go-with-the-flow person, as I said, and not over-think things. But this wouldn't even fit in my brain. I mean, since I've known Shelly and Chip I've seen some weird things in my life. But, they're the more usual kinds of weird. Like, Shelly's got a bruise again, and makes up some damn story about a door or falling or how clumsy she is. You know. The normal kind of weirdness you see all the time. But this? WINK: ...What is the meaning of the word ... Arsonphobia? CHIP: Can you spell that please, Wink? SHELLY: CHIP! Stop it! You're just playin' to piss me off, aren't you? RUTA LEE: SHELLY! WINK: A-R-S-O-N-P-H-O-B-I-A. SHELLY: That's So easy! CHIP: Wink ... I just don't know. WINK: Ashley? ASHLEY: Can you use it in a sentence? SHELLY: Even my best friend! WINK: He didn't have arsonphobia. ASHLEY: Uh ... I don't know. SHELLY: FEAR OF FIRE, YOU IDIOTS! Arson! Phobia! Get it? Please let me play! CHIP: Yeah, I shoulda known that. RUTA LEE: Shelly CAN IT! Or we're gonna have to tie you up! SHELLY: Tie me up!? I'm gonna go make dinner. (SHELLY gets up and slowly exits.) WINK: And after we waited for Shelly to make her graceless exit into the kitchen, I said, "Well, neither of you wins the TEN MILLION DOLLARS. But, Shelly was right. Arsonphobia is fear of fire! Wow! Did you know that, Ruta Lee?" RUTA LEE: No I didn't, Wink! WINK: Me either! Well, on to Round Two! CHIP: Oh no. ASHLEY: O.K! WINK: Tell 'em about it, Ruta Lee. RUTA LEE: Well, Chip and Ashley, you're not HOT yet. But, you will be, after our next round. Where you will ... BEAT THE HOUR GLASS! (SHELLY re-enters.) SHELLY: So I poked my head out of the kitchen where I was spoonin' out some of Ashley's casserole from last night to reheat in the microwave. And I'll be damned if they didn't wheel out a big ol' hour glass from somewhere right into the middle of my livin' room. On a big ol' sparkling red stand. And I thought, "Well, at least this is a NETWORK game show! They're spendin' some bucks!" But ... I still wasn't impressed ... RUTA LEE: SHELLY! SHUT-UP!!! SHELLY: Sorry. (SHELLY re-exits.) WINK: Can't ya jest feel your fifteen minutes of fame ticking away? ASHLEY: No. WINK: Oh. RUTA LEE: So ... I picked up the ball, so to speak, and got us back on track. I mean, this tight little dress, and these heels, and the bra and, yes girdle. I'm not as young as I look. And the make-up. And hairspray. And all these hot lights ... (SHELLY re-enters again.) SHELLY: And I say, "What hot lights? We just got that one lamp on and the TV." RUTA LEE: ... and the idiot contestant's wives! (SHELLY re-exits again.) I mean! It's not easy being a spokes-model slash co-host! WINK: And I cut her off right there, knowing, from experience, where this one was headed. And say, "Back to the game! Now, you both drew numbers backstage, so, Chip you'll go first! ASHLEY: What numbers? WINK: Oh, you remember, now ... ASHLEY: What numbers? CHIP: The numbers we drew! ASHLEY: We didn't draw any numbers! We were just sitting here drinking our Diet Dr. Peppers. And you came home. And the TV went on the fritz. That's all that happened. Moron! CHIP: Don't call me that. (SHELLY enters and sits, telling the audience.) SHELLY: And I came back in from the kitchen with my plate of casserole figurin' the others can just fend for themselves and said, "Ashley! They always draw numbers backstage. Just play along! Jeez!" RUTA LEE: Why, thank you Shelly! SHELLY: Which gets me back to .. Chip! What are you doin' home? CHIP: Told ya. ASHLEY: You didn't tell us nothin'. CHIP: Told ya. There was a fire. SHELLY: Fire? What fire? ASHLEY: Yeah! What fire? CHIP: Fire at work. Happy birthday to me! SHELLY: Not again! WINK: PEOPLE! Time's running out! Time to talk later! Now ... in round two of ... WINK & RUTA LEE: "Yooooooou're HOT"! WINK: We will ask you ten rapid-fire questions. You will need seven correct answers. If you get seven correct answers in thirty seconds ... tell them what they will win Ruta Lee! RUTA LEE: Well, Wink, They will win a thirty-second head-start in our next round: THE RING OF FIRE RACE! WINK: And we all know how thirty seconds in THE RING OF FIRE RACE can really make the difference between ... well ... life and death! SHELLY: I hope it's you Chip. CHIP: Why thanks Shelly! SHELLY: No. I want you to loooooose! CHIP: Why, thanks Shelly. ASHLEY: Shelly! You want another beating from him! SHELLY: If he's all burnt up, won't get another. Will I? See what I mean? ASHLEY, WINK, & RUTA LEE: Yeah! SHELLY: So, PLAY Ashley! Beat that bastard! ASHLEY: That Shelly. CHIP: You're gonna be sorry for what you said, Shelly. SHELLY: Yeah, we'll see. We'll see. WINK: SO ... Chip. Here are your ten questions. We'll put 30 seconds on the clock and ... Ready? CHIP: Sure Wink ... Ready! WINK: And the time will start ... NOW! CHIP: Excuse me Wink ... WINK: STOP THE CLOCK! Yes Chip? CHIP: You forgot to give me the category. At least I know that much Shelly! WINK: There is no category. CHIP, ASHLEY, & SHELLY: NO CATEGORY!?!? WINK & RUTA LEE: NO CATEGORY!!!! RUTA LEE: It's a crap shoot! WINK: And HERE ... WE ... GO! Start the clock ... NOW! Question One: Nero fiddled while Rome BLANK. Question two: Rhett and Scarlet kiss as Atlanta BLANK. Three .. CHIP: Hey, can't ya do them one at a t- ... WINK: THREE: What body of US water became so polluted that it caught on fire? Four: The ancient library of Alexandria was BLANK? Five: "Great Balls of BLANK"? Six: Jose Feliciano hit "Come on Baby Light My BLANK"? Seven: Chicago was destroyed by Mrs. O'Leary's cow when it kicked over a kerosene lantern into a pile of straw which started a BLANK? Eight: David Lynch movie that completed the story of his "Twin Peaks" TV-show, "BLANK, Walk With Me?" Nine: Stravinsky's "BLANK- bird Suite?" And Question Ten: Johnny Cash hit whose title figures prominently in a Wagner Opera? You have six seconds left! CHIP: Well, uh , number one... burned. WINK: Yes! CHIP: Two ... Burns? WINK: Yes! Three more seconds! CHIP: Three ... pass. Four ... burned! RUTA LEE: Time's up! Now, Wink, tell Chip if Heeeeeee's HOT ... or not! WINK: Well, Ruta Lee, Chip answered four questions before his time ran out. His first answer was right. Nero fiddled while Rome BURNED! ASHLEY: Way to go Chip! CHIP: Thanks Ashley. WINK: And number Two was right. Rhett and Scarlet kiss as Atlanta BURNS! Number Three he passed on, and I don't know the answer to that one anyway, so we'll just skip it. Who ever heard of water catching on fire? RUTA LEE: Those writers of ours! WINK: Number Four ... was close. But, I'm sorry, Chip. That was a trick question. You said the ancient library at Alexandria was BURNED. What we were looking for was SACKED AND BURNED! So we can only give you two points on that one. Now, the answers for the questions you didn't get to: "Great Balls of FIRE", "Come On Baby Light My FIRE", Mrs. O'Leary's cow started a FIRE, "FIRE, Walk With Me", "FIRE-bird Suite", and finally, the Johnny Cash hit in a Wagner Opera: "Ring of FIRE"! So, not too good in that round Chip. SHELLY: Yer such a dope, Chip. CHIP: Aw, go to hell. WINK: You'll just have to hope Ashley's a lot dumber than you. If that's possible. OK. Your turn Ashley! RUTA LEE: Just a second, Wink, while I re-set the hour-glass. ASHLEY: I heard what you said Wink. WINK: And that brings us to our first commercial break brought to us by the good people at Freeport MacMoran! If they haven't come to your neighborhood, they will! Where the horrors of the future ... are here today! Listen to this and we'll be right back with more ... ALL: "Yooooooou're HOT"! SHELLY: And before I knew it, Chip had let loose a punch, knockin' me sideways out of my chair, spillin' over my plate of hot casserole and the TV tray. CHIP: And I said, "I told ya you'd be sorry for what ya said." RUTA LEE: And I jumped in, very morally, with, "Shelly, no one has the right to touch you in any way that you don't like." Which, pretty much met with a dull silence. And then she said... SHELLY: SHUT YER FACE RUTA LEE! I can handle this one. ASHLEY: But I knew. She couldn't. SHELLY: And I just scraped up my casserole, and put it back on the TV tray and sat down and started to eat again. Nothin' else to do. I handled it. CHIP: Damn right. ASHLEY: Boy, oh boy. And wasn't this a pretty site? Those two. And with company in the house! Made me sick. As usual. What a jerk! That's the problem with the world. Men are jerks. Women, too. But more men are jerks. Well, at least men like him are jerks. Oh, you know what I mean. SHELLY: But I was back onto what he had said earlier. So I asked him, "You set another fire again didn't you?" Even though I already knew the answer. CHIP: Yeah. SHELLY: A black church again?!? CHIP: Nope. I've graduated. Set the boss on fire! Burned real good. ASHLEY: You what?! SHELLY: And you still didn't know what Arsonphobia means. Ya idiot! Moron. Fool. Simpleton. Dope. Dumby. ... Loser. CHIP: That's enough Shelly! Yer finally gonna git what you deserve. ASHLEY: Now, Chip. Stop it! CHIP: Shut up. Whore! ASHLEY: And I guess I had that comin'. WINK: But just then ... RUTA LEE: And HI! We're back! For more of ... RUTA LEE & WINK: "Yooooooou're HOT"! RUTA LEE: And now Round Three: THE RING OF FIRE RACE! CHIP: This ain't over, Shelly. SHELLY: Oh, yes it is, Chip! Yes it is! WINK: So here's how Round Three goes. ASHLEY: Hey wait a minute! I never got to play Round Two! WINK: Sorry! But time's a wasting and we have to get on with Round Three! Tell us about it, Ruta Lee! ASHLEY: This really sucks. RUTA LEE: Well Wink, underneath each contestant they will notice a ring of gas- jets near their feet. ASHLEY: It's like I'm standing on a stove! CHIP: Me too! SHELLY: Who cares? RUTA LEE You will each be asked one question. If you get it right you're spared. You get it wrong, and ... whoosh, crackle, crackle, pop and you're a pile of ash! CHIP: Cool! ASHLEY: Pile of ash!? SHELLY: What if both of 'em get it wrong? WINK: Then whoosh, crackle, crackle, pop for both of them! That's what makes us unique. We don't have to have a winner. We just want justice! And a real punch in the finale. Fire always does it. Doesn't it, Chip? CHIP: Whatever you say, Wink. WINK: So Chip and Ashley, you ready? SHELLY: I sure am. Torch both of the two-faced bastards! RUTA LEE: Why Shelly, you finally decided to join us! SHELLY: You bet your boots baby! Burn 'em! Burn 'em! burn 'em! Burn 'em! WINK: O.K! Ready! Chip you're first. And here is your question: ... SHELLY: BURN!CHIP!BURN! BURN!CHIP!BURN! CHIP: I'm warning ya, Shelly! ASHLEY: Shelly, be careful! WINK: And that's when he did it. In two quick movements, out came a can of lighter fluid and a wooden kitchen match and whoosh! Shelly was on fire ... ASHLEY: Shelly! RUTA LEE: She burned a beautiful sunset gold! WINK: ... and all I could say was, "Well, Shelly, you got to play after all! On the Premiere game of ... WINK & RUTA LEE: "Yooooooou're HOT"! RUTA LEE: See ya tomorrow! WINK: Same time. RUTA LEE: Different place! Thank God! WINK: And we'll have a whole new set of contestants! Thanks for tuning in! It's been just great! RUTA LEE: Bye for now! WINK & RUTA LEE: And then we both say, "And remember ... 'Yooooooou're HOT'!" And we were gone! (WINK and RUTA LEE exit.) ASHLEY: Like nothing ever happened. (ASHLEY sits back down.) CHIP: Like nothing at all. ASHLEY: 'Cept Shelly was still on fire! But I knew the drill. After living around those two, you knew a lot of drills. So we dropped and rolled. Wrapping her up in that filthy braided rug that she never got all the cat hair off of. And she was out. Lost a lot of hair. And her clothes were a mess. But Shelly sat up immediately, and said, ... SHELLY: It's your turn now, Chip! CHIP: Gimme your best, Shelly! SHELLY: I gave at the office, baby! Now I'm not just watchin'. I'm doin'! ASHLEY: And I said, "Huh?" SHELLY: Well, Ashley, what Chip doesn't know is that I've switched about half of that bottle of beer he's been drinkin' with ... ANTI-FREEZE! And, if I'm not mistaken, the gnawing pain has begun in your throat. Has it not, Chip? CHIP: Well, Shelly. Yes. Yes it has. ASHLEY: Shelly!? SHELLY: And, if I read the book right, we may get to see some internal bleeding commence! ASHLEY: And there it was. Sorta like a miracle but different. A little red trickle out of the corner of his mouth! SHELLY: Uh hunh! And next we'll see ... ASHLEY: But I cut her off there. It was awful enough to watch what was going on! Let alone hearing a blow by blow! I ran for the phone but ... SHELLY: ... I stopped her by asking, "Ashley? Isn't it better this way?" ASHLEY: And that gave me pause. I looked at the scene before me. Through the smoke from the fire, I saw the plate of casserole still sitting there on the TV tray. Shelly wrapped up in that awful braided rug. Singed hair standing on end. Bug-eyed and sporting a big 'ol grin! My eye, suddenly caught by the only remaining remnants of the game show. Some red glitter from the giant hourglass. SHELLY: And one of Ruta Lee's fake finger-nails! ASHLEY: Leave it to Shelly to have an eye for detail. Even in a moment of crisis. I'll tell you, Shelly'd do anything to avoid what's really going on in her inner world. As you can surely see. SHELLY: Turn on the TV, Ashley. ASHLEY: And I do. 'Cause I'll do whatever Shelly wants. It's some damn talk- show. And I look down at Chip, who's curling up into a little ball now. Kinda crying kinda ... screaming. And I just have to. So I run over and call 911 and get it over with! And I don't think Shelly will ever forgive me for that. And I love her so! SHELLY: It'll be a cold day in hell you */(bitch)/ before I forgive miss Ashley-stick-your-nose-in-other-people's-business-holier-than-thou- Miss-/(fuckin')/-PRISS! Who's never even had what one could call a real relationship! (AUDIENCE enters trying to get the real audience to join in throughout.) AUDIENCE: And I come in from somewhere and say, "The audience claps and laughs." SHELLY & ASHLEY: WHAT?! AUDIENCE: The audience claps and laughs. CHIP: And, finally, the EMS guys come in and tote me on out of there in very great pain, thank you very much. (CHIP exits.) * Words in /( )/ are mouthed as if being censored. AUDIENCE: The audience claps and laughs in glee. (HOPE enters from behind the audience with microphone in hand. She plays the room throughout.) HOPE: And in I come from somewhere else, saying, "And welcome to our show! Joined in progress." SHELLY & ASHLEY: WHAT?!?! AUDIENCE: And we stand up and clap like complete idiots. ASHLEY: And, you guessed it. From bad to worse! We're suddenly on a talk show. We're on a /(God-damned)/ TALK SHOW! HOPE: And not just ANY talk show, ... it's "The HOPE Show"! The show that ... tackles the hard questions. Knows there are no solutions. And sends you out with more gnawing fear than you started with! What more could a white-girl want?! Brought to you by Chem-Lab, "Bringing you pharmaceutical bliss for the housewife in us all!" Today our topic is: "They Didn't Get Mad ... They Got Even!" Our guests today are Shelly, who, after years of abuse and being, can you believe this, set on fire! Gets even by giving her husband anti-freeze in his beer! ... AUDIENCE: We nod and smile and clap in agreement as the camera pans across our insipid faces aching for, no, not fifteen minutes, but two whole seconds of fame! SHELLY: I recommend the generic brand of anti-freeze! Lower quality. Works faster. HOPE: And her friend Ashley. Who saved her life! SHELLY: Then dialed 911 and saved that /(asshole's)/ life! /(Bitch!)/ ASHLEY: Oh, Shelly! HOPE: But first ... now, you know how I feel about abuse in our society. And you know I was abused. You know the story. And I have owned my abuse. I have worked through it. I am not a victim but a survivor. Or as I like to say, "I'm the Montana Militia ... not Wimpy Waco!" AUDIENCE: We go nuts! HOPE: I needed to get that out before we met Chip. So you AND he could know where I'm coming from. So are ya ready? AUDIENCE: YEEEEAAAAHHHH!!!! With a lot of clapping. And we start chanting in rhythm: "Bring him out! Bring him out!" (CHIP enters and sits.) CHIP: And I come in from using the toilet. 'Cause it's actually a couple of weeks later. And I lived. Ha! Ha! Ha! And, I'll be damned if there wasn't this talk show going on in my living room! What the /(fuck)/! HOPE: Now, let's not start out on the wrong foot, Chip! AUDIENCE: And we boo him. Really mean. We almost always boo the husbands or boyfriends. SHELLY: Just sit down! Doctor says he's got another week before he's supposed to be up and movin' around. CHIP: I had to pee woman! What are y'all doin' in my house? ASHLEY: On account of he's still got stitches inside his throat! From the anti-freeze burns. SHELLY: You shut up /(bitch)/! ASHLEY: Oh, Shelly ... ! (HOPE comes up onto the stage.) HOPE: Now, let's all calm down. Everybody? Join me. A breath iiiinnnn! And a breath oooouuuutttt! There. Now we're here. We're present. We can talk! Chip, tell us you're side of the story. CHIP: What story? HOPE: The ... "accident"? CHIP: Accident hell! She tried to kill me! HOPE: But you set her on fire! SHELLY: Yes he did! CHIP: She deserved it. The way she was becoming! HOPE: What do you mean, Chip? CHIP: Well, Hope, I married a pretty little girl who I protected from the world just the way her Daddy had protected her. Bought her what she wanted. Even if it was a satellite-dish which I couldn't afford. Or payin' off her damn Shopping Channel bills! I mean, she became ADDICTED TO TV! HOPE: Addicted to TV? Is that possible? (HOPE moves back out into the audience.) Let's ask a professional. We just happen to have a ... and, boy, am I breaking my one-race only rule today ... Jewish psychiatrist in our audience. Who is here to celebrate his CHINESE! daughter's twelfth birthday. 'Cause it may be her last. Please welcome ... is this really your name? ... Dr. Sigmund Freud. (AUDIENCE moves out into the real audience.) AUDIENCE: And, as the doctor, I stand up from the audience and say, "We pronounce it Frood. But glad to be here!" (AUDIENCE moves back up onto the stage.) And as the audience, we clap and oooohhhh and aaaahhhh like we really care. 'Cause we do. 'Cause we're on TV! (AUDIENCE moves back into audience.) And then, as the doctor again, I say, "Yes, Hope. This is my little daughter Gong Li, named after the famous Chinese film actress whose performance in "Shangai Triad" so inspired me. I rescued my little Gong Li from China's orphanages and now she is dying from a rare blood disease contracted, so they think, merely by contact with Western Civilization! But, again, glad to be here! HOPE: Well, that's surely more than we need to know. So let's get back to the question, Dr. Freud. AUDIENCE: Frood. HOPE: Yes. Pardon me. Thanks. OK! Addiction to TV. Possible? Or not? AUDIENCE: In case studies done at Poughkeepsie Polytechnic in 1953, scientists determined that television was no more addictive than marijuana, which, by the way, was legal back then, I believe, and not near as bad for you as cigaretten. Which we now know they knew were dangerous way back when! Right honey? (AUDIENCE kneels down.) AUDIENCE: (Cont.) And, as little Gong Li, I say, "Yes daddy. Cigarettes bad! A joint a day keeps the doctors away! And never tell mommy what we do in the garage!" (AUDIENCE stands back up.) And I say, as Dr. Frood, "That'll be enough, liebchen!" HOPE: It sure will Dr. "Frood"! (AUDIENCE returns to the stage.) SHELLY: Oh puke. Listen Doc, if you had lived my life, maybe then I'd listen to you. But until then you just sit there and shut up! AUDIENCE: And we all moan together, "Oooooooo!" (AUDIENCE exits.) SHELLY: TV was my only friend. Until Ashley. It didn't hit me. It was always happy and clean and brighter than my dull ol' life. You know what I'm talkin' about don't you? You ladies out there? All you housewives watchin' at home? You're me aren't ya?! YOU'RE ME!!! HOPE: Shelly, I think we need to breathe again. Everybody, iiiinnnn ... oooouuuutttt. SHELLY: Oh, go to hell, Hope! HOPE: I sense hostility. Don't you feel some hostility audience? (HOPE offers microphone to ral audience member.) And do you have a question for our guests? (If no response:) Sheep. (If response, improv ends with:) Thanks for sharing. Sit down. We're just a bubblin' with hostility today, aren't we? Then let's bring out our surprise guest, who is quite an expert on hostility from his nightly problem-solving on ... "BAYWATCH"! Ladies and gentlemen, the number one star in the world ... DAVID HASSELHOF! (AUDIENCE enters as David Hasselhof.) AUDIENCE: And I come out as David Hasselhof, too, and the crowd REALLY goes nuts! HOPE: Hi David! AUDIENCE: Hi Hope! Thanks for having me! ASHLEY: That's not David Hasselhof! SHELLY: She's right! Even if she's a /(bitch)/! HOPE: And thanks for taking time out of your busy shooting schedule to be here with us. AUDIENCE: Actually, Hope, we're on hiatus right now. We finally realized we could re-play large chunks of old episodes and no one noticed. Ya know? And so we actually work only two weeks out of the year! HOPE, SHELLY, ASHLEY, CHIP: TWO WEEKS?!?! AUDIENCE: Well, ten days to be exact. Now, about Shelly's hostility ... CHIP: But there it was again. That feeling. And before I knew what happened, out came the lighter-fluid trick! And POOF! if David Hasselhof wasn't on fire! ASHLEY: But I did the drill again. It was automatic. Drop and roll. Except David Hasselhof's fire was put out by a much nicer rug. Much cleaner. HOPE: Nice work Ashley! And Chip! You should be ashamed! Are you alright David? But the crew had already drug the moaning David Hasselhof off where we couldn't see how much pain he was really in. (AUDIENCE as David moans off.) SHELLY: Chip? CHIP: Yes, Shelly. SHELLY: Were you tryin' to protect me from that David Hasselhof? CHIP: Nope. Just looked at him and thought he'd look better on fire. ASHLEY: That Shelly! Always trying to see the best in everyone. 'Cept me. HOPE: Chip, you're a very angry person aren't you? CHIP: And I thought, then said, "I am a man. A white man. Isn't that answer enough for ya? Is there anything else you need to hear to figure out why I'm angry? Our world is out of control! Everything is being run by the women, the coloreds, the Jews and the queers!" HOPE: And I cut him off by saying, "We call them GAY on our show, Chip. The sponsors prefer it that way. Continue." CHIP: Whatever. It all jest sucks! Since I was little I've always been gettin' the raw end of the stick. I had a /(shitty)/ childhood. HOPE: Don't take us there, Chip. We try to stay in the present on "The HOPE Show"! SHELLY: What /(shitty)/ childhood? Yer family had money. We were the ones on Food Stamps. CHIP: At least you had a daddy! SHELLY: Yeah, a speed-snortin' psycho! HOPE: And your father, Chip? CHIP: He was killed when I was only two years old. Shot to death. A gang drive-by. ASHLEY: That's not true. Shelly told me your dad was a banker and he kicked you out of the house for trying to have sex with your little sister! CHIP: That's a lie! SHELLY: He's right, Ashley. It wasn't his sister who he got caught with. It was his brother! AUDIENCE: And we fairly explode in glee. We were there! On "The HOPE Show"! On one of THOSE days! A day where the truth comes out. Where we get inside someone's life. A day where we see people as they really are. A day where we forget about our own petty lives and are relieved someone's got it worse than us. Go Shelly Go! What else happened in that man's sick perverted life!? CHIP: Was not! Shelly, you don't know what's real or not anymore! SHELLY: And you do?! Hope, is there any reality in a mind that sets things on fire whenever he can't get his way? HOPE: No, Shelly. You're right. Setting fires is not appropriate behavior. SHELLY: Thank you! So, Chip, who's crazier? Hunh? You or me? ASHLEY: I think your both nuts! SHELLY: Ashely, I warned you! ... ASHLEY: I don't care, Shelly. I loved you. With all my heart. And I thought you loved me. We had a beautiful thing together! But I can't take you two anymore! I want out! SHELLY: Oh Ashley, cut the love crap! Ever since you got AIDS and you can't have sex all the time like ya used to... ASHLEY: Try never! SHELLY: ...THEN you needed a friend. And started hangin' around me all the time! And gettin' into our business! CHIP: Yeah! AUDIENCE: Yeah! SHELLY: Ashley, I been meanin' to tell ya this for a long time. Ashley .. . I don't want you comin' around anymore. Yer like some /(God-damned)/ ANGEL OF DEATH! AUDIENCE: And that one just shuts us up. 'Cause it's kinda cruel. (HOPE moves onstage.) HOPE: And I say, in my serious voice, "And we'll be back. After this message. Let's breathe everyone. Iiiinnnn and Oooouuuutttt!" AUDIENCE And we breathe in and out with Hope as we cut to commercial. And as soon as the camera is off, we all start talking and giggling and pointing at those three as we watch Hope talking to them up there on the platform. Then the make-up people come out and powder them all 'cause none of us wants to see greasey looking people on TV. And we start getting kinda bored, when all of a sudden ... (ALL ACTORS stand together and play the following straight to the audience.) HOPE: ... I hear a noise behind me. I turn around and see Ashley yank Shelly up by her scraggly burnt hair... and take her down! Wrestling and kicking and biting! AUDIENCE: And we were immediately up on our feet. Screaming for blood! HOPE & AUDIENCE: And we watched this freak show much like the Romans must have eye- balled those Christians. HOPE: And I just hoped that it lasted until we got back from commercial. So we just stood there and watched. And grinned. And thanked the Goddess for sending these people into my life to guarantee high ratings and another season of "The HOPE Show"! Nom yoho renge kyo! AUDIENCE: And then we hear the floor manager say, "And we're back folks! In ... five, four, three,___,___, ... And welcome back to 'The HOPE Show'!" HOPE: And, thank Goddess, the fight continued until I was sure it was indelibly etched in the viewer's minds. And long enough for the tabloid shows to each get their own sound bites. Oh! Press, press, press, press! Money, money, money, money! Power, power, power power! AUDIENCE Hope! We're on! HOPE: Sorry. (HOPE and AUDIENCE move back to their positions.) HOPE: So, Ashley. I hope THAT'S out of your system for awhile. And my aren't you both a mess! CHIP: She got what was comin' to her! Way to go Ashley! HOPE: Chip, we've had more than enough from you. As you all know, though I am a Negro of Mexican heritage that passes for white, I ,now, share your hatred of the Non-White-Non-Family-Liberals out there. And though you are white ... you, Chip, are a man. And I, as a woman, just hate that in a person. And, though, soon I look forward to being clean and sober from my man-hatred, for today I must stick to my policy of honesty and say, "YOU MAKE ME SICK! I HOPE YOU DIE!!!" There. I've said it. The healing has begun. AUDIENCE: And we nearly break into a chorus of "Kum Bay Ya", we are so moved by her honesty. (Begins to sing.) "Kum bay ya ... " HOPE: So!!! Any questions from our audience? (HOPE offers mic to audience. If no response.) Pigs. If response, improv ends with:) Thanks for sharing. Sit down. So, Ashley and Shelly. I have decided to make you my project. During that last commercial break, I talked with my producer, a woman, thank you! AUDIENCE: And we cheer. 'Cause we're mostly women....but the men do too, for some reason. HOPE: And we've decided to help out! SHELLY: Good God! Somethin' finally changin' for the better for me! HOPE: So, Shelly. Ashley. What do you say to ... A BRAND NEW MAKEOVER ?!!!!? AUDIENCE: And she said the magic word. We-all-blow-up-like-Macy's-Parade- balloons-and-float-up-to-the-ceiling-and-let-go-and-shoot-all-over-the- room-and-splat-back-into-our-seats! Overcome. We like makeovers THAT MUCH! SHELLY: MAKEOVER! I DON'T WANT A /(FUCKIN')/ MAKEOVER! ASHLEY: I do! HOPE: I'll ignore that obscenity since you have been trapped with a man all these years. And we all know how that can mess with our heads! SO ... We here at "The HOPE Show" believe that if you're beautiful on the outside ... you're beautiful on the inside,too! So, just stand up and follow our intern, Bonnie Sue. Say "hi", Bonnie Sue! AUDIENCE: Hi! HOPE: Bonnie Sue was saved from her crack-head mother and a life on the streets and is now an intern on our show. Give a big hand for Bonnie Sue! AUDIENCE: And we do. HOPE: Bonnie Sue, take them backstage, honey. And our staff will do it's magic. And we'll see what proud and beautiful representatives of the White Woman Race you can become! (AUDIENCE ushers SHELLY and ASHLEY up the aisle and out saying:) HOPE: And while we wait for the amazing transformation of Shelly and Ashley, I've got another surprise for our viewing audience! Aren't you glad you came today?!" CHIP: Can I go now? HOPE: Shut up Chip! CHIP: /(BITCH!)/ HOPE: /(ASSHOLE!)/ But I'm on a roll, so I continue, "So, here to join us on "The HOPE Show" for "I Didn't Get Mad ... I Got Even" Day, I'd like to introduce our old friend ... and inspiration ... Bette Davis! CHIP: WHAT?! Ain't she dead?!?! (AUDIENCE enters from behind the audience as Bette Davis and sits.) AUDIENCE: And out I come. Doing a bad impersonation of Bette Davis. And the audience goes absolutely mad, dahling. HOPE: Hello Bette! CHIP: That ain't no Bette Davis! How come no one's who they say they are around here? HOPE: No, Chip. Now I don't expect you to comprehend, but this is Bette's channeler, Ralph Watson. AUDIENCE: Yes, Ralph is such a dahling for letting me enter him! If you know what I mean! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! CHIP: Sounds more like Demi Moore. Wish you was channelin' her! HOPE: CHIP! Last warning! Now Bette, what's the buzz? AUDIENCE: Well, Hope, River Phoenix has opened a new Hard Rock Cafe that's just the rage these days. I go all the time! And last night I saw Jayne Mansfield, who just gets younger every day, and none other than Marilyn herself, snuggling in the back boothe in a lesbian tryst! HOPE: But, Bette, does that mean their rivalry over who was the better actress is finally over? AUDIENCE: That's what their saying, dahling! But I'll believe it when I see it. CHIP: Jayne and Marilyn lesbos?! ALL RIGHT! AUDIENCE: And guess who was seen on James Dean's arm last night at the premiere of the new Stallone movie? HOPE: Isn't it great that they see first-run movies in the after-life just like us! Who Bette? WHO?!? AUDIENCE: Jim Morrison! HOPE: From the Doors?! AUDIENCE: The Lizard King himself! And I hear he lives up to that nickname in the sack! Rumor is they've been hot and heavy for weeks! CHIP: Hey wait a minute! What're you sayin'? Everyone's a fag in heaven?!?!?!? AUDIENCE: Sounds like it, doesn't it? (CHIP stands suddenly.) CHIP: And I suddenly yell, really dramatically, "PERVERT!!! GET THEE BACK TO SATAN!" And I'm not a bit religious! Then I reach for my lighter- fluid, not rememberin' that I had used half the can on that poodle I torched on the way into the studio for yippin' at me. And that I had used the rest on that David Hasselhof. So I find myself S.O.L (AUDIENCE suddenly stands.) AUDIENCE: And, channelling Bette or not, I am really Ralph Watson! Preacher at the Holey Moley Mission uptown and ... BLACK BELT! (AUDIENCE karate-kicks CHIP onto the floor and ties him up with a rope during the following.) I'm just Pavlov's dog when it comes to hearing that word ... Satan. Gets my juices going. I guess it all comes from when I was being de- programmed from my gayness by "The Church Of The Only Truth," down South. Took me to a farm. It was spring. And while they screamed at me day after day, "Run Ralph Run! Run from the arms of Satan!" I could hear the cows and pigs and chickens in the middle of their Spring Rut. And since I was just as randy from being cooped up, I started to equate the word "Satan" with the sexual urge as I heard those pigs squealing and saw the cows humping through that one broken slat in the mini-blinds. Satan. Sex. Satan. Sex. Still do. But I've learned karate AUDIENCE (Cont.): now too! As an outlet for all of this pent-up confusion, Praise-Jesus- Heterosexual-Martyr-Of-The-Seventh-Temple-Of-The-Virgin-Chi-So- Minh!!!!! So I turned ... sized him up ... and with a "CHI HA! ... I took that man down in two shakes of Satan's Tail! HOPE: And a tense silence descended on Studio 1A ... Bette? AUDIENCE: Sorry, Hope. It's just Ralph now. I've lost Bette for the time being. HOPE: No problem, Ralph! And thanks for the quick action on Chip! He was really starting to "P" me off! AUDIENCE: Hey, Hope? You got something to gag him with? HOPE: Well, Ralph, we do just happen to have some ball-gags left backstage from yesterday's "Say It With Leather" episode. Bonnie Sue? Can you bring us out one of those ball-gags? AUDIENCE: And we hear, off-camera, some stage-hand say, "They got Bonnie Sue backstage helpin' to hold them two down for their make-overs." HOPE: Well, will SOMEBODY please get me a ball-gag before my negative energy begins to express ITSELF!?!?!?!? AUDIENCE: And somebody did. Real quick. 'Cause you could tell Hope's negative energy would really be ... well ... negative. And I, Ralph, got Chip all nicely bound and gagged. And we, the audience, all breathed a sigh.... Because, deep down, we're only really comfortable with a man .. when he's bound and gagged. HOPE: You said it sister! (AUDIENCE sits.) AUDIENCE: Brother, Hope. Ralph Watson, remember? HOPE: And I, as does most of our audience, remember you WERE Rhonda Watson before your sexual re-assignment surgery, sister! AUDIENCE: True enough. But, I prefer to be perceived as a man now, Hope. HOPE: Fair enough. As long as we know you were a woman first! AUDIENCE: Uh, yeah ... Hope. Whatever. (An uncomfortable pause then AUDIENCE exits.) HOPE: And then there was this way too long pause. I had seemed to wander off into a black hole of delightful banter. Ran out of perky come-backs. Dug my grave and was getting ready to lie down in it. Just awful. CHIP: And I tried to mumble, "Mmmmmhmmmm!" HOPE: But the Goddess, in the form of little Bonnie Sue, was on my side again! In she burst. Dragging the new and improved Shelly and Ashley behind her! (AUDIENCE enters from the back as Bonnie Sue leading SHELLY and ASHLEY looking just the same, but acting quite stylish. SHELLY models first.) SHELLY: And I walk back and forth like a model, saying, "I'm wearin, a Christian Dior cocktail sheath in Teal Blue with a hand-beaded bodice and matchin' jacket, shoes, and bag. Hair and make-up by Ricci of Hollywood and ... I FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS!!! (Now ASHLEY models as SHELLY sits.) ASHLEY: And then I model, saying, "And I'm sporting a Todd Oldham original. Pink, peek-a-boo lace shell over coral rubber capri pants. Short angorra bolero-jacket, and clear plastic stiletto heals. Hair and make-up by Henri of Beverly Hills. And ... I'M A NEW WOMAN! HOPE: Well, what do you think audience! AUDIENCE: And we finally find a place to do: "WHOOP! THERE IT IS! WHOOP! THERE IT IS!" 'Cause we like what we see! HOPE: And I agree! Hubba Hubba ladies! And you? (HOPE offers the mic to audience. Improv ends with:) Sit down. Well then, Shelly, you first. What's going through your mind now? SHELLY: Well, Hope. This has been quite a month for me. The usual beatings. A near lesbian relationship with my ex-friend Ashley. Set on fire. Poisoned my husband. Got on a talk-show. Big changes! And, ya know, now that I'm dressed up like a Barbie-Doll and smell like some rich old lady's flower garden. And have become distanced from my regular life as far as one can go ... I'm kinda startin' to believe that ... I like Myself!! I REALLY LIKE MY MYSELF!! HOPE: Good for you Shelly! See, a pretty package does make for pretty contents. And Ashley? ASHLEY: Well, I feel the same as Shelly. Pretty much. A little more pain. But pretty. And ... I guess you'd call it ... EMPOWERED!!!!! HOPE: And isn't that magic enough?!?!?! So ... that wrap's up another day on "The HOPE Show"! Take these lessons with you. A good man is a gagged man! If you need a channeller ... look for a trans-sexual! They're the best! Pray for David Hasselhof. And for Dr. Frood's retarded daughter. And most of all remember: beauty starts from the outside! Thanks for sharing part of your life with us today. And, as always, my motto: ARYAN WOMEN UNITE TO ANNIHILATE EVERYTHING WE HATE! Peace and quiet! Bye! (Theme Show music plays as AUDIENCE and HOPE exit.) SHELLY & ASHLEY: And then ... we were left all alone. CHIP: Mmmmmmhmmmmm! SHELLY: No TV on. ASHLEY: No fighting. CHIP: Mmmmmhmmmm. SHELLY: Just silence. For the first time in a long time. Silence. ASHLEY: Peace and quiet. SHELLY: Nothin'. ASHLEY: Quiet. CHIP: Mmmm. SHELLY: And I look at Ashley. ASHLEY: And I look at Shelly. SHELLY & ASHLEY: And we truly WERE beautiful! And then we turned and looked at Chip. CHIP: Mm. (SHELLY and ASHLEY untie CHIP then the three stand there, uncomfortably.) SHELLY & ASHLEY: And we both moved to take off his ropes and gag. And helped him to stand up. CHIP: Well ... I gotta say I'm sorry for all this, Shelly. SHELLY: Yeah. A little late. But, whatever. CHIP: You too Ashley. Sorry. ASHLEY: Yeah. Thanks. SHELLY, ASHLEY, & CHIP: And we just stood there. Not knowing what just happened. Or what was next. ASHLEY: Things had finally begun to change. CHIP: We'd come up to the top of a hill. SHELLY: And seemed to be able to see quite a distance. ASHLEY: But ... still no map. CHIP: No guide. SHELLY: Just tomorrow. And could it possibly be anything better? (Blackout.) END OF ACT I Burnin' Hope ACT II (Lights up on the actors who played HOPE and AUDIENCE standing alone onstage. The recliners are gone.) ACTOR 1 (HOPE): So, we're back! Hi! ACTOR 2 (AUDIENCE): But different. Hi! ACTOR 1: For a little interlude... I guess you'd call it. ACTOR 2: A pause in the action, so to speak. ACTOR 1: Because, we've decided that we may have confused you, up to this point. ACTOR 2: Have we? I know that we have. ACTOR 1: Yes, we have. ACTOR 2: So, let us explain. ACTOR 1: What you saw, so far, is, what is called: live entertainment. ACTOR 2: And, since, if you are like most people, you have seen precious little live anything, we thought we'd explain a little. ACTOR 1: Not to condescend. ACTOR 2: But to enlighten. ACTOR 1: That sounds condescending. ACTOR 2: What does? ACTOR 1: "To enlighten." New-Agey. SO ...what is the difference between a live entertainment and, say ... television? ACTOR 2: Well, obviously we are alive and you are alive. ACTOR 1: And we are in the same room where we can see and hear each other. ACTOR 2: Now, TV can't see or hear you. ACTOR 1: You can yell at Tom Brokaw till you're purple in the face about his decision to lead-in with more about Jon Benet Ramsey instead of something that really matters. ACTOR 2: And it won't do you a single little bit of good. Tom will continue on his merry way. ACTOR 1: But, if you start yelling at us here? We hear you. ACTOR 2: Why, if you yelled at us like you yell at some TV shows, especially football games, you'd probably scare us. And we would run away! ACTOR 1: You maybe. Ya wimpy little idiot. ACTOR 2: You're one to talk! ACTOR 1: What do you mean?! ACTOR 2: Oh ... nevermind. ACTOR 1: So, that's one difference. ACTOR 2: Now, another is that we are life-sized and hard to ignore. ACTOR 1: Some of us harder to ignore than others. ACTOR 2: What is that supposed to mean? ACTOR 1: Well, personally, I believe your performance in the first act was a little over the top. ACTOR 2: Was not. ACTOR 1: Was too. ACTOR 2: Whatever. SO, on TV we're only a foot or so high. Unless you've got one of those big-screen models. ACTOR 1: And, since we're so tiny on TV, we're easy to ignore. That's why you see us in close-up a lot. It's harder to ignore us when our big head is filling up your TV, isn't it? ACTOR 2: Your big head maybe. ACTOR 1: And may I throw in here, that, in film, sometimes, our nostrils are bigger than we are! ACTOR 2: We're talking about TV here. ACTOR 1: Three foot nose hairs! ACTOR 2: There is such a thing as good taste! ACTOR 1: Yeah? Tell that to "Melrose Place"! ACTOR2: I like "Melrose Place"! ACTOR1: O.K. Now, the third thing is the subject matter. ACTOR 2: On TV, writers write with a twelve-year-old audience in mind. ACTOR 1: And I recently read that films are now aiming at fourteen year olds! ACTOR 2: I believe a lot of us are well past our teens. Am I right? ACTOR 1: So, where does that leave us? ACTOR 2: And things like plays! Which, these days, are written, in large part, especially in New York, for middle-aged women and gay men. ACTOR 1: Not to say we have anything against gays or the middle-aged. ACTOR 2: That's just the way it is. ACTOR 1: Heck one of us is probably gay. ACTOR 2: Yes, one of us probably is. ACTOR 1: Right. But, at least with an audience of middle-aged ladies and gay men, you're definitely aiming somewhere above a teenage mentality. ACTOR 2: Which brings us to the possible reason live entertainment may be offensive or disconcerting to many of you. ACTOR 1: Could it be because we're so used to being treated like teenagers. ACTOR 2: That we don't know how to be treated like adults? ACTOR 1: Or is it that the one time you took the risk of leaving your home to seek out something live ... ACTOR 2: ...you end up finding something that challenged you about as much as a season-ending cliff-hanger on "Friends"? ACTOR 1: Or it was so weird that you just felt stupid? ACTOR 2: Who knows? ACTOR 1: But, because of all of this, we live entertainers, have reached a point where we feel like we might just explode. ACTOR 2: Or commit suicide. ACTOR 1: Or chuck it all and start that little truck-farm in the woods that always sounds so good in our imagination. ACTOR 2: And you say, why? ACTOR 1: Why get so emotional? ACTOR 2: Why care so much? ACTOR 1: After all, like Peter Sellers is told in "Being There" just before he goes on a tal-show, "Ya know. More people will see you in the next five minutes on TV, than see live theatre in America in a year!" ACTOR 2: I believe you're quoting a FILM! ACTOR 1: But it's ABOUT TV. ACTOR 2: But it's a film. And you said... ACTOR 1: And, that's exactly what pisses us off. ACTOR 2: And I'm sure you can understand why. ACTOR 1: It makes writers want to go to Hollywood and, at least, get paid for this misery. ACTOR 2: Until they find out the reason they pay screenwriters is to shut them up. ACTOR 1: Over the fact that next to none of their words are ever said on the screen. ACTOR 2: Because the directors think they know more. ACTOR 1: And dice and slice to their heart's content. ACTOR 2: Or the producer wants his girlfriend in. ACTOR 1: Who can't speak English. ACTOR 2: So that character becomes a mute. ACTOR 1: Or because the actors improvise their lines. ACTOR 2: Because, "My character would never say that." ACTOR 1: Meaning, "Keep the words bland so they won't detract from my Roman nose." ACTOR 2: Or my piercing eyes. ACTOR 1: Or my boob job. ACTOR 2: Or my muscles. ACTOR 1: "Well, MUSCLE THIS! ... ," we say. ACTOR 2: "I'm mad as hell. And I'm not gonna take it anymore!" ACTOR 1: A quote from the FILM "Network". ACTOR 2: See it. A FILM about TV! ACTOR 1: Very prophetic. ACTOR 2: Too true. ACTOR 1: Remember that scene where the TV exec, played by Faye Dunaway, has sex with William Holden? .... ACTOR 2: ...and Faye only stops talking about ratings and shares long enough to have a very quick orgasm, then rambles right on. ACTOR 1: Yeah! Or when the people start throwing ... ACTOR 2: ...their TV's out of their windows! ACTOR 1: Or when Conchata Farrell & Peter Finch ... ACTOR 2: Conchata what? ACTOR 1: Farrell. Oh, you know here. ACTOR 2: No, I don't. ACTOR 1: Big woman. Big voice. Was in a TV show with Molly Ringwald last year, and some other sit-com, and a lot of movies. ACTOR 2: Can't get a picture. ACTOR 1: 'Cause they never give her a lead. Because she's different than the Hollywood "type". And ,oh man, do they hate that! ACTOR 2: Who? ACTOR 1: What? ACTOR 2: Who "they"? ACTOR 1: You know, THE "they". ACTOR 2: Oooooo! The "they"! Scarey. ACTOR 1: You are a wimpy little idiot. ACTOR 2: Paranoid freak. ACTOR 1: You make me sick! ACTOR 2: Only because you're sicker than me! And, that's why we live performers are so offensive. ACTOR 1: Because we're offended! ACTOR 2: We've lost. ACTOR 1: Thrown in the towel. ACTOR 2: Given up the ghost. ACTOR 1: We did our job. ACTOR 2: Got our degrees. ACTOR 1: Did our training. ACTOR 2: Which, by and large really screwed us up. ACTOR 1: And now here we are. In this play. ACTOR 2: For a cut of the door ... after costs. ACTOR 1: I mean, why shouldn't we be nuts? ACTOR 2: Would you do it? ACTOR 1: Of course not. ACTOR 2: How would you pay for things? ACTOR 1: Have any self-respect? ACTOR 2: Hell! Survive! (Pause. They take a breath.) ACTOR 1: I'm so sorry. ACTOR 2: We whine too much! We're just lucky to be here. ACTOR 1: So ... Maybe, to repeat a metaphor used earlier: We HAVE made our bed. So we'll shut-up and lay in it. ACTOR 2: Wasn't that a simile? ACTOR 1: No metaphor, I think. ACTOR 2: See, I don't even know the difference between a simile or a metaphor anymore! Mrs. Weber is turning in her grave. ACTOR 1: Who? ACTOR 2: Fifth grade. ACTOR 1: Oh. ACTOR 2: We've been rambling. ACTOR 1: Sorry. ACTOR 2: Well, WE weren't rambling. ACTOR 1: Yes. Not "us." ACTOR 2: We weren't rambling. ACTOR 1: That wasn't us. Just saying lines. ACTOR 2: Exactly as they were written for us. ACTOR 1: Actors. ACTOR 2: We're actors. ACTOR 1: It's a play. ACTOR 2: A live play. Not TV. ACTOR 1: Sorry for any confusion. ACTOR 2: Sorry. ACTOR 1: Yes. (Pause.) ACTOR 2: Well ... we've pretty much lost the thread at this point. ACTOR 1: I can just see the reviews. ACTOR 2: Oh, who reads those?! ACTOR 1: I do. Everyone does. ACTOR 2: No one reads theatre reviews! ACTOR 1: Yes they do! ACTOR 2: You're livin' in the sixties! ACTOR 1: What does that mean? ACTOR 2: No one reads theatre reviews anymore. We don't care about theatre so we don't read the reviews. That went out with the sixties. Just like I don't read Liz Smith's gossip column anymore because I can SEE the same thing on "The Gossip Show" with Downtown Julie Brown on "E" the Entertainment Channel on TV! ACTOR 1: And there you go talking about TV again! ACTOR 2: Yeah, so? ACTOR 1: We were talking about live entertainment. ACTOR 2: Yeah, so? ACTOR 1: You have no attention span. ACTOR 2: TV again! (Pause. Both are totally frustrated.) ACTOR 1: To which, borrowing a rather self-conscious writing style used by the author in the first act. ACTOR 1 & 2: We both say, "Yet another long and uncomfortable pause descends on the room." (Pause.) ACTOR 2: After which I say, "Were you just speaking as you?" ACTOR 1: What? ACTOR 2: "Borrowing a rather self-conscious writing style ... " That stuff. That wasn't in the script. ACTOR 1: Yes it was! ACTOR 2: No, it wasn't. ACTOR 1: All right, it wasn't. I added it. ACTOR 2: You can't do that! ACTOR 1: Why not? ACTOR 2: You just can't. ACTOR 1: Oh! Sorry! ACTOR 2: And, especially, you can't review the play while it's in progress. ACTOR 1: Why not? ACTOR 2: You have to wait 'til the end. ACTOR 1: Why? ACTOR 2: You just can't. ACTOR 1: Oh.(Pause.) ACTOR 2: I am so terribly sorry to have brought you back from intermission for this. ACTOR 1: For the second act? ACTOR 2: No. For your un-professional actions. ACTOR 1: What professional?!? For a split of the door?!? AFTER COSTS?!? THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A PROFESSIONAL DEAL TO ME!!! ACTOR 2: O.K.!!!!! ACTOR 1: Jeez! Sorry! ACTOR 2: Let's just get this over with. ACTOR 1: O.K. So, all I can say, in summation, is it may not be entertainment but, THIS is live. Not TV. What we're in right now. ACTOR 2: That you're in right now. ACTOR 1: That we're all in together. ACTOR 1: So ... Let us return to our play about Shelly and Ashley and Chip and their hope for a better tomorrow. ACTOR 2: Free from fear. ACTOR 1: And fire. ACTOR 1 & 2: And full of hope. (They bow and begin to exit.) ACTOR 2: I think we explained it quite nicely. ACTOR 1: You were wandering. ACTOR 2: Was not. ACTOR 1: Was too. ACTOR 2: Was not. ACTOR 1: Was too. ACTOR 2: Was not. (There are two gun-blasts from offstage. ACTORS 1 & 2 both fall dead. ASHLEY enters with a shotgun in hand. She starts with bravado, but ends in despair.) ASHLEY: I killed 'em. Shot 'em. Hid over there. So they couldn't see me as they came off. Shot 'em. Shot 'em dead. For ruinin' my life. Oh, not with their stupid little info-mercial on live entertainment. Who cares! What the hell was that all about, anyway? I am sick and tired of people thinking they know so much more than you or me. Snotty little poops. "Get a life!", I say. "Or a death". Whichever the case may be. No, I shot 'em for breaking up me and Shelly. That really hurt! That Shelly. I mean, ever since I found out I was HIV positive, things have changed, for me. And that's an under-statement. I mean, I've lived a pretty raucous life. After my parents died when some idiot terrorist blew up their plane, I just kinda exploded into the world. Though I had my college degree, I found more joy in the seemier side of life. Drank and partied every night. I was the one who was game for anything. A party girl with a capitol "P". And that was my life. It filled the hole. Then, became a habit. And, the truth? I don't know how I lived this long! I'll tell ya, if this AIDS is a punishment from God for loose living, then he sure waited a long time to make up his mind on me. And he's awfully selective! I mean, there were plenty of us bad enough to warrant a scourge from God. But I'm the only grand-prize winner. The rest of 'em are still out there. Continuing on. And on and on and on. And, then, ... it all just stopped. Kinda like I became invisible. They didn't know what to do. And I didn't know what to say. So I left. And went wandering. As if keeping on the move confused death. Maybe it won't find me. 'Cause, deep down ... I don't want to die. Then I met Shelly. And we were a pair. Now, we never had sex together or anything. I didn't care either way. I'd been with women before. It wasn't the lesbian thing. Shelly meant more to me than just sex. She kept me on my feet in this world. Made me ... visible, I guess. Gave me a reason. Even if it was usually keeping Chip from killing her. But I'd take anything. And, though Chip started out hating me with a purple passion, he soon came to see that, while I was around, Shelly left him alone. And that freed him up to do whatever evil he had in mind that day. That Chip! But, that's a whole 'nother story. Back to Shelly ... and what we had. And I say had. Because it's gone now. Saying those cruel things to me on that talk show nearly killed me. "Angle of Death!?" It made me angry. But Shelly? She just didn't care. And that's what hurt the most. Just sat there saying nothing. Back in the arms of her beloved TV. It hurt. A lot. 'Cause I was out here all alone again. And nobody's nothing unless there's somebody. Anybody. But somebody. And, though I'm still healthy. Don't have AIDS proper. I'm starting to not care either. That's what let me shoot those two. Who cares? Isn't that our motto these days? All of us out here? If I don't care about me, why should you? Right? I mean, what's to care about with me? Right? Who really cares about anybody? Who cares? (SHELLY enters.) SHELLY: I care Ashley. Give me the gun. ASHLEY: Oh yeah. Right SHELLY: Yes I do. I just hadn't thought about it. But after hearin' what you just said ... ASHLEY: You were listening? SHELLY: Yes, I was. ASHLEY: What? Did the cable go out again. SHELLY: Well, yes it did, Ashley. But I think I would have heard ya anyway. I'm more sensitive than you think. ASHLEY: Maybe so. I don't know. SHELLY: C'mon, Ashley. Friends again? ASHLEY: Friends? SHELLY: Weren't we friends? ASHLEY: We were more. SHELLY: We were. ASHLEY: I love you, Shelly. SHELLY: Yeah? ASHLEY: You know it. SHELLY: Well, I love you, too. ASHLEY: Do not. SHELLY: Do, too! Hell, Ashley, you saved my life! ASHLEY: As if that mattered to you. Or anybody. SHELLY: It mattered. ASHLEY: Did it? Did it really? SHELLY: Really. ASHLEY: I don't know. I just can't trust you anymore. SHELLY: Well, who can you trust? ASHLEY: Nobody. SHELLY: Exactly. ASHLEY: Exactly what? SHELLY: You can't trust nobody. But you can at least try. Can't ya? ASHLEY: What do you care? SHELLY: Look Ashley, I'm sorry. ASHLEY: So? SHELLY: Ashley, ... I realized ... I need you more than you need me. ASHLEY: No way. SHELLY: Do too! Since you've been around, I've started really thinkin' again. And not just my usual thinkin' thinkin'. But really thinkin'. ASHLEY: I'm sorry. But I don't want to hear this. (ASHLEY turns and exits with the gun. SHELLY is at a total loss.) SHELLY: But, Ashley. Wait ... Well, now what? No Ashley. AND no TV. I'm in a pickle. And, I really don't get what's goin' on here. I mean, what's the big deal with TV? Got me away from a lot of bad things goin' on around me. Oh, I know I shoulda done somethin' about Chip beatin' me up. And those fires. And Ashley. And isn't SHE just a little too sensitive? But, what could I do? Probably would have just made it worse. If I had done anything. I just don't know what to say to her. But, see? That's what TV is there for! To take us away. Turn on the box, and your guaranteed a ride out of yer own personal hell. And, it's ALWAYS there for you! Try that with a human being. They always got a list of things to do. People to see. Places to go. You can't rely on people anymore, 'cause you never know where the hell they are! So, I got my TV. And I don't have to deal with nothin'! Nothin' at all. But, if I've learned anything from TV, I know you gotta stay "up" and "positive" and move on to the next contestant. And since I'm the only one here, and I can't be both host and contestant. I'm goin' to have to ask for some audience participation. Now, don't get your panties in a wad. I ain't gonna make ya get up and do some dumb-lookin' thing. No you can do this right in your seats. Now, this ain't original. I saw it on a show, of course. But, I liked it then. And you'll like it now. I'm sure. So, to set it up. What I think Ashley's feelin' and what we're all feelin', I guess, is that we're not connectin' to anything. The feelin' that we're all out to sea, with our own little boats that are floatin' further and further apart. Before Ashley, I never had much of a connection. There was Chip. In the beginning. But you all now know the turns he's taken on his path. My family never liked the things I did. Droppin' out of high school to have the baby. Marryin' Chip. Losin' the baby but stayin' with Chip. Things like that. So I just sat in my little boat and let those TV shows keep me close, but not too close, to the shore, so to speak. Watchin' those other people's lives paradin' by, gave me comfort. And a connection. And hope. (She shakes it off and starts back up with new energy.) So, I'm here to give that connection to you. It's only a little connection. But just a little bit of connection can serve to bring back just a little bit of hope. So, here's what you do. Put out yer hand. Let's say yer right-hand. Hold it out with yer palm up. Now, look at it. What do you see? See where it's been? What it's done? O.K. Now leave yer right hand where it is and bring up yer left hand to join it. Palm up. Look at 'em both. Yer hands say a lot. And remember a lot, don't they? Now, turn 'em over. Look at the back of yer hands. And how they're connected to yer arms. And your arm's connected to yer body. Kinda like that ol' "Dem Bones" song. Ya know, "The thigh bone's connected to the hip-bone ... " That song. O.K, now. Do this. Slowly. So you don't ram yer elbow into yer neighbor. Raise your hands straight over yer head. Then slowly start to lower them like Christ on the cross. But keep your shoulders back. So that, now, you have connected. You've possibly got yer arms around a stranger. Kinda like that move guys make on their first date, isn't it? But yer connected now. That's what we need. I think. But hell. What do I know? (CHIP enters with the gun aimed at SHELLY.) CHIP: You don't know squat, woman. SHELLY: Where'd you get that? CHIP: Ashley. Gave it to me. SHELLY: She did not. CHIP: Said, "Go ahead. Finish her off." SHELLY: You're a lyin' son-of-a-bitch. CHIP: She's had enough of you, too, Shelly. You and yer hope. Get a grip woman, 'cause it ain't gonna save you here. I guarantee. SHELLY: You're not gonna shoot me, Chip. 'Cause then who would you have? CHIP: There's a world full of people Shelly. Out there. Wanderin' around. Just as blind as you. Like sittin' ducks. Never seein' what's comin'. Hell, people pay for the kind of abuse and pain I can give. Go figure. And you got it for free! SHELLY: Chip? I never hated you. 'Til now. CHIP: Serves you right for all you done to me. SHELLY: I ain't done nothin' to you. CHIP: Yer right, there. Coulda married a handful of mud and had more excitement. At least, 'fore it dried up and got hard, it would'nt of give me any crap! SHELLY: I never gave you any crap! CHIP: No, you're right Shelly. You never gave me nothin'. And ya never did nothin'. Ya just sat there. Didn't ya? Just sat there. That's why I beat ya. SHELLY: You coulda talked. CHIP: You coulda listened. SHELLY: So, Chip! Is this your new way to fix things? CHIP: A gun gives a man a sense of power, yes. SHELLY: Well, good for you, Chip. You finally got yerself a penis! CHIP: Don't be playin' with me now, Shelly. I don't got nothin' to lose, anymore. SHELLY: You never had nothin' to lose Chip. 'Cause you never had nothin'! CHIP: Well then, ... here goes nothin'. (CHIP shoots SHELLY dead.) Needed to do that a long time ago. Now, don't ya'll get all tense and hateful of me there. 'Cause that's just what I want. 'Cause when you get hateful, you'll fight. And you ain't half the man I am. So ... I'll kill ya! Which is also ... just what I want. "Hope." "Connectin'." What kinda crap is that? There ain't no hope. There's just gettin' through it and dyin'. That's all. And, let me tell you, I speak from experience. You think I'm bad, don't ya? You think I'm evil. You'd like to see me dead right now wouldn't ya? Well, surprise. So would I! I've had enough of this place. No more fightin'. No more burnin'. No more hope. 'Cause I may be dumb. But I've learned the rules that make this world turn. And those rules are all bad. No one can live by those rules. You can try. But you can't. And still live. I guessed I was lucky enough to learn it all early. That way I really didn't have to worry about it. Ever. Just did what I did when I wanted to do it. And can many of you say you've done the same? Probably not. Probably the very ones of you who are out there, sick to your stomach of people like me, ain't never done what you wanted. You settled. Didn't ya? Settled for second best. Settled for less. Stayed positive. Took your vitamins. Went to a gym. Bought a nice car. Nice house. Nice family. And hey! Are you happy now? Are ya? Well, I know you can't be as happy as me. 'Cause I'm free. (ASHLEY enters. Tackles CHIP and gets the gun. She holds him to the floor with her foot and the gun to his head. He continues to laugh.) ASHLEY: Free this, you evil son-of-a-bitch!!! CHIP: I always knew I'd drive you to do this. You crazy, dyin' dyke! ASHLEY: At least I'm hangin' on. Your already dead. CHIP: Got me there, sister. ASHLEY: And, you didn't drive me to nothin'. I made a choice on this one, buddy. CHIP: Finally. You stopped tryin' to ride both sides of every fence you saw ... and made a choice! A helluva time to do it. But, I congratulate you, Ashley. ASHLEY: You shut up. I don't want to hear nothin' from you. I've heard enough. I want silence from you. You give the human race a bad name. Ya know that! CHIP: Thanks Ashley. ASHLEY: Happy birthday, Chip. Go to hell. (ASHLEY shoots CHIP dead then shoots him again for good measure.) I win, Wink and Ruta Lee! So what's my prize? Hunh? Well ... this isn't ending up so nice, is it? I'm sorry you had to see this. Man! I don't think there's been a play since Shakespeare, with so many deaths in the second act. Kinda makes you wonder if we're moving forward or sliding back. Bye, Shelly. Wish I had told her. Wish we had talked. But, we just couldn't. Well ... I guess it's time to say goodnight. Sorry to set you up. You probably thought this was going to be a comedy all about how Shelly finally sees the light and gives Chip what he deserves. Ya did didn't ya? And it all just ends up to be about this girl with AIDS who kills three and'll probably be blamed for the fourth. Not what you'd call a future. Not what you'd call very uplifting. Sorry. It sure wasn't my idea. I never thought I'd end up like this. But I did. You just never know, do ya? Oh, and ... sorry about all that talk about hope. I'm sure you already knew about that. So, to sum it all up. Thanks for coming. Drive safely. Go home. Forget it. If you hurry, you'll still have time to catch the sports on the news. Sorry. Please, just forget this. O.K.? Just forget it. Forget it. (As she says the last lines, ASHLEY holds the gun under her chin and backs slowly out of light into the shadows. Silence. Then another gun blast. The lights continue to fade. Then, suddenly, from the dead, we hear:) ACTOR 2: Excuse me. ALL: And we mumble, "WHAT?" ACTOR 2: And I say, "It isn't over 'til it's over!" (Lights back up on the, now, five dead actors.) ACTOR 1: I wish it was. But it isn't. ACTOR 2: (Sits up.) Sorry. It just never stops. ACTOR 1: (Sits up.) And I'm so tired. But since we're angels now ... CHIP: Say what?!? SHELLY: (Sits up.) I doubt that very much, sister! ACTOR 2: Well ... whatever! ASHLEY: (Sits up.) You really think we're angels? After what we did? ACTOR 1: You'd be surprised who they let in here. (ACTOR 1 & 2 exit and re-enter during the following, rolling out the three recliners again. CHIP, ASHLEY, and SHELLY sit.) CHIP: (Sits up.) Yeah! Like that River Phoenix who was a doper! Or Marilyn Monroe who was nothin' but a whore! ACTOR 2: Some things never change. SHELLY: Chip? What ARE you runnin' on about? CHIP: That Bette Davis guy! On the talk-show! ASHLEY: What Bette Davis guy?!? CHIP: Oh, yeah. Ya'll missed that part when you were off gettin' yer make- overs. SHELLY: Chip ... SHUT-UP! CHIP: Yes ... Shelly. Sorry Shelly. ASHLEY: WOW! This IS heaven! SHELLY: Yes it is! Ya see! There is hope! Hey, Chip! CHIP: Yes, Shelly. SHELLY: I want to see you ... bark like a dog. CHIP: Why sure honey. Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! SHELLY: Heaven! Now, I want to see you ... do a little dance. CHIP: Any dance in particular, sweetie? SHELLY: Surprise me. CHIP: Sure thing, dear. ASHLEY: And, I'll be damned, if he didn't do it! (CHIP gets up and does a dance.) SHELLY: And, now I want you to give Ashley a hug and say, "Ashley, welcome to our family." CHIP: And, for some reason, I thought, "Aw, what the hell." And I did just that. Ashley, welcome to our family. (CHIP hugs ASHLEY then sits back down. SHELLY reaches over and takes ASHLEY's hand.) ASHLEY: And I just started to cry. 'Cause it was all just as I had imagined it could be. SHELLY: All right! Now, let's see what they got for TV here! (And in comes ACTOR 2.) ACTOR 2: No TV here. SHELLY: No TV! (ACTOR 1 enters.) ACTOR 1: No Shelly. No TV. SHELLY: Omigod! So what do we do?!? ACTOR 2: You talk. CHIP: Talk? SHELLY: Chip? I'm warnin' you. CHIP: Sorry dear. SHELLY: Thank you very much. ACTOR 1: We sit. And talk. ASHLEY: To each other? ACTOR 2: Yes. ASHLEY: Chip, too? ACTOR 1: And Chip, too! CHIP: What the hell!?! SHELLY: Ohmigod! ACTOR 2: What ya wouldn't say to each other there. You gotta say here! That's the rules of the game! So, please, sit back and relax. Because, for the next few hundred years, you'll be our guests on ... "Talkiiiiiiin' With HOPE!" The show that's not a game show and not a talk show! It's a game-talk show! With my lovely co-host ... HOPE! ACTOR 1: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! ASHLEY & CHIP: Oh, no. SHELLY: What happened to Ruta Lee? ACTOR 2: Hope's a much bigger draw here. ACTOR 1: You betcha Wink! Sooooo, let's play ... "Talkiiiiiiin' With HOPE!" That's me! (Annoying theme music plays.) ASHLEY: And I take a look at Shelly. SHELLY: And I look at Ashley. And then at Chip. CHIP: And I look away. 'Cause I don't wanna look. SHELLY, ASHLEY, & CHIP: We were afraid. 'Cause it wasn't heaven ... it was hell. (SHELLY stands and faces the audience as ACTOR 1 and 2 gently fade themselves offstage , the music fades into the sound of crackling fire, and the lights begin to glow red.) SHELLY: And, as the flames began to start lickin' up around our feet. And the temperature kept risin'. We paused. And that final, uncomfortable pause, was ... nothin'. The nothin' we had become. The nothin' we had to say. The nothin' we really felt for each other. So, I said nothin'. ASHLEY: And I said, nothing. CHIP: And I just sat there. (Silence. Then.:) ASHLEY: So, that's what we did. CHIP: And that's what we were. SHELLY: And now ... this is where we are. (Lights fade to black.) END OF PLAY