The Bingo Affair By: Christie Carter © Christie Carter 2000 The setting is that of a fellowship hall in a small church. There are various tables and chairs set up, as well as refreshment type areas with little old ladies manning them. There is a podium from behind which Brother Jim calls out the letters and numbers and there should either be a high tech bingo ball machine or some type of spinning arrow device to designate the numbers and letters for the game. As the lights come up we see a bunch of old ladies sitting around talking. Brother Jim is behind the podium, he is older than dirt itself and most of the time has no idea what is going on. Standing next to Brother Jim is Miss Alva she’s around 700 years old she cant hear a thing. She is wearing an old floral dress. There is a table downstage center with 4-5 chairs all facing the audience. Seated at this table are Fanny and Marge. Fanny is wearing some "high water" polyester pants in some color that clashes with her Hawaiian t-shirt, a pair of orthopedic type shoes, and a God-awful wig. Marge is wearing a bright t-shirt with the saying "Bingo for Jesus" printed across the front with the B and the J being more visible than the rest of the letters to the audience. She is wearing some large eyeglasses and has her gray hair stuffed under a fisherman’s hat with about a hundred buttons on it. BRO J: I-38 MISS ALVA: That’s I-thir-tee-eight. FANNY: One of these days, Marge, I’m gonna win the big money game. And there is no better day than today. I’m feeling mighty lucky today, this could be the one. MARGE: You’ve been playin’ for 3 years Fanny and you ain’t won squat yet, you know who’s always gonna win... BRO J: G-42.... MISS ALVA: That’s G- for-ty two FANNY: (With a sneer on her face) Sheila May Archer. I know. MARGE: She’s won every game since we’ve been playin’. I don’t know how she does it...it can’t be legal. FANNY: Word on the street is...(looks around) that she knows Brother Jim personally, if you know what I mean. (Winks) MARGE: Fanny! That’s disgusting! FANNY: That’s what I heard! I heard she goes home with him after every game and... well you know the rest. MARGE: Oh, sweet lord Jesus... that’s nastier than the south end of a north bound cow! FANNY: You know, I wouldn’t doubt it’s true.. And I sure wouldn’t put it past her. (Sheila May enters. She is in her mid-50’s. She is wearing some outlandishly skimpy outfit with some very tall heels. She is chewing gum. She sits next to Fanny.) SHIELA: Hey girls...this seat taken? BRO JIM: B-7 (Sheila May looks at him and waves, he waves back.) MISS ALVA: That was Bee- Sev-uhn . MARGE: Well, naw. I reckon you can sit there Sheila May. SHIELA: How much longer til the big money bingo game? MARGE: Next game. You feeling lucky tonight Sheila May? SHIELA: Yep, sure do Marge. FANNY: So, uh, Sheila May, you gonna let somebody else win tonight? (Marge elbows her) MARGE: What Fanny meant was... well.. how do you win every single game? Why you’ve won the last... what? 30-40 games now? SHIELA: Actually it’s 43, but who’s counting. It’s just the luck of the draw girls. I just get lucky. FANNY: (To Marge) In more ways than one (Marge elbows her again) SHEILA: Do what, Fanny? FANNY: Oh, I said `put away your gun’. Marge carries around this pistol in her purse and.. well, it’s a long story. SHIELA: Awe, Ok. Hey, Marge, I really understand where you’re comin from. I mean, I am all into that self defense thing too. Why just last month I attended a seminar given by Sheriff Montgomery down at the High School gym. He taught us all kinds of stuff about how to defend ourselves in case of an attack, like where to grab, and what to grab... I really must have been good at it because he kept using me as an example, he’d get right up behind me and... BRO J: I-33. MISS ALVA: I- thir-tee three FANNY: HOT DAMN! BINGO! Feast your eyes upon that Sheila May! And I’m just warming up (she runs up to the podium and shows the card to Bro Jim, he shakes his head and she begins to argue) Well how in the hell was I supposed to know ya’ll said 34 instead of 44, you (Pointing to Bro J) been hogging down on them damn broccoli puffs that Miss Alva made like they was goin out of style. If you would unwrap your lips from around them for one second to clearly say the numbers... And (Points to Miss Alva) you! (Miss Alva smiles and nods, she can’t hear a word Fanny is saying) Ever heard of Glu-A-Dent? Your damn dentures are just a floppin around inside your mouth like Sheila May with a big fat...(Marge grabs her arm) MARGE: Fanny! I’m sorry brother Jim, Miss Alva- she forgot to take her medicine again. (They nod) Sit down Fanny! FANNY: It ain’t fair Marge! If they’d learn how to e-noun-chee-ate them words properly... SHEILA: I wasn’t really payin attention and I heard 34. FANNY: You shut your gall-durn trap you Preacher humpin hussy! MARGE: Fanny! SHEILA: Some mouth you got on ya Fanny! Maybe I’ll buy you a muzzle after I win the big money game. FANNY: And maybe I’ll buy you a vibrator after I win so’s you can keep your hands off Brother Jim! After all he’ll be of no use to you anymore! MARGE: Oh my sweet Jesus! (Covering her eyes) SHEILA: And just what, Fanelope Ray Wheatley, are you insinuating? BRO J: Next game begins in 5 minutes, come get your cards, remember- limit two. (Sheila and Fanny dash to the podium to get first picks) MISS ALVA: Limit of two. FANNY: Let go of that one- I had my eye on it first. SHEILA: Alright- here! FANNY: I don’t want it now -it’s tainted with sinful vibes. (They each pick out two cards and sit) MARGE: (Takes two for herself) What’s it matter which cards you get? (Sits) Fanny- could you pass me a bottle of that ink goop? FANNY: (Passing her one) Here take this’un, these two are mine! (Glares at Sheila) (Enter Ellie. She is younger than the other women, late 40’s at best. She is wearing a tank top and a pair of Capri pants. Atop her head is a straw hat. She is wearing a LOT of gold jewelry and sporting a dark fake tan with lot’s of make-up) ELLIE: Hey, yall! Am I too late to play the big game? MARGE: Naw, Ellie. We’re bout to start, here in a few minutes. ELLIE: Great! I just love this game, it’s so thrillin’. FANNY: I don’t see how you can find it so thrillin’ when Sister Sleeps-A lot over here wins every damn game! SHEILA: (To Fanny) I beg your pardon. FANNY: I think you heard very well what I said you... MARGE: Now, girls, let’s just be friendly, the game’s about to start. BRO J: Attention, two minutes til the big money game. MISS ALVA: That’s two minutes til the big game. FANNY: (Elbows out) Move out ya’ll, I need some elbow room. ELLIE: Oh, my this is more exciting than shoppin at the Save-A lot on dented can day. (Fanny opens her purse and pulls out a plastic crucifix and sits it on the table) MARGE: Uhm...Fanny? What’s that? FANNY: It’s my plastic savior paperweight. It not only brings me luck, but it’s guaranteed to hold down your papers even during something like the rapture, or your money back. ELLIE: How you gonna get your money back after the rapture if it doesn’t work? FANNY: Well, I... guess I really won’t be worried about it then, why, I’ll have (Picks up the paperweight) the real thing to hold down my papers with in heaven! MARGE: You think Jesus is gonna spend his time, standin on your papers in heaven? He’s got better things to do Fanny. FANNY: Well, maybe He could take off his sandal and just lay it across my papers instead... ELLIE: (Pause) What kind of papers do you expect you’ll have that need to be held down in heaven? FANNY: Well, I don’t know... greeting cards, tax forms, telephone bills ....(shrugs seriously) MARGE: Tax forms? ELLIE: Telephone bills? FANNY: What? You think it’s gonna be a dime a minute, just because you’re in the Lord’s kingdom? SHEILA: That plastic Jesus ain’t gonna bring you enough luck to overpower my head-bobbin Mary nick-nack. (Pulls it out of her purse) This here’s the luckiest thing I own. ELLIE: Hey, that is just real cute! Where’d ya’ll get these trinkets? SHEILA: Oh, I got mine... FANNY: Well, Ellie, I am so glad that you asked. You know I’ve been sellin home interiors products for about 3 weeks now... and I finally got up enough points to buy this here plastic savior. MARGE: How come you bought that instead of the turquoise, feathered dream catcher you been eyeing for so long? FANNY: Well, Marge, I knew when I flipped through the book that I had a hard decision to make. I thought that dream catcher was as darlin as the chiggers on a tom cat, but then, I glanced on the next page and there it was. Item number 487-A, a genuine, simulated, porcelain coated, holy paperweight of divinity. (Marge and Ellie oooh, and ahh, Sheila rolls her eyes) Uh-huh, that’s what I thought too! It looked so damn holy sittin their on top of that National Enquirer in the picture, I just had to get it. Plus, it was on the last chance sale item page, and I paid half price for it, so I was also able to buy Item number 598-Z. ELLIE: Oh praise be, you got that darlin picture frame with that little poem about "What my Cat means to me"? FANNY: Naw, that’s Item 598-C not Z. MARGE: Yeah, 598-Z is the "Footprints in the Sand" bathroom set with that matchin butterfly wall ensemble. (Nearly drooling, every homemaker’s dream) FANNY: And... It came with the powder blue clock... you know, the one where the clock face is in the center of the A in the word BATH? MARGE: It’s kinda misleading at first, when you look up and see that big old word BATH up on the wall, but then when you look closer, you notice that it doubles as a clock, and that makes everything alright, I saw it, it was real cute! SHEILA: Well, I hate to brag, but, I scored up enough points to buy the "Animal’s of the Wild" stationery set, with matching cigarette case. MARGE: I have been wanting that for years! I just never could get up enough points... what is it like fifty thousand points er somthin? SHEILA: Fifty three thousand. ELLIE: You are so lucky Sheila May! FANNY: I thought they recalled that stationery for being toxic to lab rats. BRO J: Drivers, start yer engines... Let the games begin. MISS ALVA: Let the games...(Forgets what she was going to say...then remembers) begin. FANNY: You’re goin down Sheila May! And I don’t mean... MARGE: Fanny! SHEILA: You’re gonna eat them words, Fanny. I’ll buy you a coke after I win, so’s you can wash em down! FANNY: (Gasps) The only thing liquid I wanna see will be your tears after I win! BRO J: B-6. (The girls scramble to their seats.) MISS ALVA: That’s Bee- Ssss-icks. (Someone yells BINGO, all chuckle except Fanny and Sheila. Everyone is searching for the number on their card. ) FANNY: Oh, how sweet it is.. (Stamps her card) What’s a matter Sheila? You don’t have that one? ELLIE: Yes! (Stamps her card) I love this game! MARGE: (Stamps her card) I got it too! FANNY: (Gloating) Well, Sheila May, looks like you’re the only one who didn’t! SHEILA: It’s only the first one Fanny. It’s a freebie for you. Think of it as a head start. FANNY: I bet you know a lot about head don’t you... you little witch! BRO J: I-16. MISS ALVA: That was I-Six-teen. SHEILA: That’s it brother Jim, keep em coming! FANNY: Will you quit flirtin! I’m on to you! ELLIE: Praise the Lord, I got another one! MARGE: So, speaking of the Lord, Ellie, how’s that new club you started up going? What’s the name of it again? ELLIE: Oh, Citizens Of Newbern Evangelistic Society. We call it CONES for short. We’re in the process of getting t-shirts made up with CONES written on the front and maybe something cute on the back like "Honk if you love CONES". MARGE: That is just a real cute idea, Ellie. FANNY: What, exactly do ya’ll do? ELLIE: Well, we meet every Sunday afternoon after church, and we watch all the religious shows on TV and write up reviews on them. I like to refer to it as "reporting for Jesus". MARGE: Well, that’s fine, Ellie, real fine. FANNY: So, what do you do with the reviews? ELLIE: Well, we put em in a big pile.. FANNY: And.. then what? ELLIE: Well, Miss Alva, suggested that we mail them to Jesus, but... since Jesus doesn’t have an exact address just yet...well they just hafta stay in the pile for now. (Marge and Fanny nod, puzzled) BRO J: O-64. MISS ALVA: Oh- six-tee-four. FANNY: (Searches, finds that she doesn’t have that number, pissed) Awe, come on Brother Jim, Hell! SHEILA: Keep it up Brother Jim! FANNY: I bet you’ve said that more than once! MARGE: Woo Hoo! ELLIE: I’m on a roll! MARGE: Speaking of rolls, Ellie, how did you lose all that weight? ELLIE: Oh, I am glad you asked. I’ve still got a lot to lose.. .but you know that new drug they’re sellin down at Rusty’s gas station? FANNY: Lard buster? ELLIE: Yeah, I been taking that for about a month now. FANNY: Don’t that stuff have some pretty bad side effects? ELLIE: Well, they ain’t all that bad really...Well, there’s loss of hair, but Frank says it makes me look younger. Plus I had all that excess chin hair before, it’s all gone now. FANNY: S’that why your hair’s been kinda patchy lately? (Tugs at some of Ellie’s hair) ELLIE: Well, Brenda, down at the beauty school, she’s the one that does up my hair.. She says that it don’t look bad. She gave me some of that hair in a can, and she says you can’t hardly tell at all. MARGE: It looks real nice, Ellie. ELLIE: Why thank you Marge. BRO J: G-32. MISS ALVA: That’s G-thir-tee-two. FANNY: Praise the Lord! (Kisses her plastic Jesus) SHEILA: Hail Mary! (Bobbs the head of the Mary figurine) ELLIE: I have just been so lucky today! MARGE: Me too! I only need N-24 to win! SHEILA: Marge, is that your new Medic-Alert bracelet there? (Reaches over, knocks over Fanny’s plastic savior) FANNY: (Angry) You sacrilegious Bitch! How dare you soil my Lord and Savior! You are going to Hell! (Throws Sheila’s Mary on the ground and stomps on it) SHEILA: My head-bobbin Mary! You spiteful old hag! (Grabs Fanny’s plastic Jesus and throws it across the room) FANNY: Prepare to meet thy maker! (Grabs Sheila by the hair, they wrestle for a moment, then Sheila pull’s off Fanny’s wig) Give me that back! (Sheila throws the wig at Fanny, she puts it back on, it’s not quite right) MARGE: Now girls! Ya’ll cut that out! Ya’ll are gonna get arrested! ELLIE: (Praying) Please, dear Lord, help them to act like adults and to put and end to their sinful ways. BRO J: Is everyone settled? MISS ALVA: Everybody settled? FANNY: Yeah, call out the damn number! MARGE: Fanny, that isn’t how you talk to a man of the cloth. FANNY: I know Marge, I just can’t control myself. I told you... (Points to Sheila) she’s put a hex on me! BRO J: I-18. (Everyone sits quiet, searching their cards) MISS ALVA: That was I-eigh-teen ELLIE: Oh, heavens... oh...dear.. I... I... BINGO! (Fanny and Sheila turn and look in astonishment) SHEILA AND FANNY: NO! It can’t be! MARGE: Did you really Ellie? ELLIE: I think so! Yes, I’m pretty sure! FANNY: I demand a recount! MARGE: Hold yer horses, Fanny, there hasn’t even been a 1st count yet! Go on up there Ellie! (Ellie runs up toward the podium, she hands the card to Bro J, he nods) BRO J: We have a winner! Miss Ellie Sue McWhert has won. MISS ALVA: Miss Ellie Sue McWhert has won! FANNY: (In an angry state of awe) I demand a recount! (Bro J looks at the card again) BRO J: It’s official, she’s the big money bingo winner! MISS ALVA: It’s official! MARGE: Oh, I am so happy for you Ellie! SHEILA: (To Bro J, angry) Brother Jim, I thought we had an agreement? BRO J: (loud) No, I don’t have any cement dear... MISS ALVA: (louder) He can’t plow dirt with a wet ear! FANNY: (In total shock, just talking for the sake of talking) I demand a recount! MARGE: They already had a recount, Fanny. FANNY: This can’t be! I was destined to win -my genuine, simulated, porcelain coated, holy paperweight of divinity guaranteed it! SHEILA: My bobbin head Mary guaranteed it! FANNY: Who do you have to sleep with to win a game around here! MISS ALVA: (Pulls some fluffy handcuffs out of her purse, to Ellie) Dear you forgot these yester-dee. ELLIE: (To Miss Alva, whispering) Thanks Miss Alva, same time next week? (winks) MISS ALVA: Yer dern tooten hot stuff! (Pats Ellie on the ass and hands her the money) LIGHTS FADE © Christie Carter 2000