B.J. a play with voting rights by Ben Ohmart 723 Boal Ave. Boalsburg, PA 16827 fax: 814-466-7555 email: findline@mindspring.com CHARACTER/CAST BREAKDOWN This play may be played with only six (6) MEN. The doubling of each actor goes as follows, each in order of appearance in the play: Act 1 1ST ACTOR - B.J., PHANTOM (of the Opera), CLOWN, VOICE ("That's two words!") 2ND ACTOR - MAMMY, SECRETARY (Rhoda), DOCTOR, WOMAN (finds Jesus at party) 3RD ACTOR - PIANO PLAYER, STAN, TECHNICIAN, WOMAN (in Mammy's drug-induced dream), ASSISTANT (cameraman), RICK, JILL, GARVEY, WOMAN (an extra at party in B.J.'s dream), LAWYER (B.J.'s) 4TH ACTOR - MAN (behind B.J.'s podium), OLIE, CAMERAMAN, WOMAN (another in Mammy's drug-induced dream), STEVE, JESUS (at party), JOHN, HARVEY 5TH ACTOR - MAN (behind B.J.'s podium), BLAND, MAN (Mammy's helper), MC, LUKE, YES DAWN, OSCAR, WOMAN #3 (at party in B.J.'s dream), ED, STEWART 6TH ACTOR - VOICE, CHARLES, MUSICIAN (hard-rock), WOMAN (in Mammy's drug-induced dream), MAN (reporter through door), MAN/JESUS CHRIST (with paper bag on head), WOMAN #2 (at party in B.J.'s dream), REPORTER (in hall), TRIPGOOD Act 2 ("NO") 1ST ACTOR - [none] 2ND ACTOR - VOICE (in court), COP (in court), ROBERT, HEAVENLY LAUGHS 3RD ACTOR - MOVER (with chair), GINGER, GARY 4TH ACTOR - MOVER (for bed), BILL, LAWYER (in court), FRED (Tripgood's lawyer), GUARD (in jail), HEAVENLY LAUGHS 5TH ACTOR - MOVER (for bed), D.A., DICK, RUTH 6TH ACTOR - INTERVIEWER (to D.A.), JUDGE, FRED, SOUP, LISA ACT 2 ("YES") 1ST ACTOR - OLD MAN (in Mammy's wedding dream) 2ND ACTOR - MAN (healed by Sweet), BILL (serves paper on Sweet) 3RD ACTOR - EARL, GRINGO, WOMAN (with baby), MAN (with crutches), JUDGE (at Sweet's trial), HEAVENLY LAUGHTER 4TH ACTOR - JUAN, SWEET, STANLEY 5TH ACTOR - PAUL, MIKE, CAMERAMAN (Elroy), VOLUNTEER (on phone), PAYSOME, PREACHER (in Mammy's wedding dream), HEAVENLY LAUGHTER 6TH ACTOR - GEORGE, JERRY, CATCHER, SPIKE, VOLUNTEER (on phone), ATTORNEY (Sweet's), JENO NOTE Each actor will be required at times to replay a role that Same actor has played, so I did not list it a second time. TIME The late 1980's. SETTING Berlin, East Carolina, USA. Various places in and out of this fictional city. Most of the sets are gaudy and Las Vegas-like; that is, those used "on camera". Other sets used in "real life" may be simple, and usually only require one or two props to establ ish the scene. B.J. PROP LIST piano different colored wigs gold curtains drinking glasses chairs (8) fancy-labeled bottle podium paper bag gold Kleenex box mic from wire t.v. camera guitar front stage curtains pen and paper sandbag file of papers board table press badge big cards (to write on) 2 photos telegram (2) note intercom nails make up items papers bottle of pills bottle of lotion huge speakers pocket calculator electric guitar window guitar pick nightstand harmonica expensive doghouse desk dog biscuits G.F. sign (abuse center) silver tray waiting room chairs stuffed sock hand held camera newspaper stethoscope B.J.'s jewelry tool belt crayons ticking package paper football towel cardboard jury bed gavel lamp 3 cots small table temporary tattoo door Tupperware Bible in box self-made knife magazines collection buckets stuffed cat collectibles (comics, bb cards) stuffed dog envelope hand magic tricks banner (GLORY '89 TOUR) CD of Mammy's songs liquor bottle balloons crutches party favors huge diamond ring six pack plastic rings suitcase gun SPECIAL EFFECTS FOR B.J. thunder lightning wisp of smoke piano music flickering lights Mozart's Jupiter Symp. jazz arrangement of Christian songs sound of stalled, then starting car delayed sound of car door closing cell bars by shadows and lights angel music holy laughter cat scream dog scream COSTUMES FOR B.J. 6 suits with ties clown face (4) glittery dress for Mammy Phantom mask and cape Joel Grey costume doctor's coat (oil stain) cameraman outfit YES' low cut dress, bra, panties black robe for man white robe for man 5 pajamas 5 women's dresses mover's uniforms (2) judge's robe cop's hat 4 prison uniforms black veil for Mammy (The more money that can be put in this play, the better: after all, it is the visual biography of a showman. At rise, all is dark, but the piano-tapping intro. similar to "New York, New York" is heard bouncing through the stage. Curtains part and the lights come up on a "simple" televangelist's set of gold curtains, piano on the side, and chairs around a podium behind which our hero B.J. resides. He's outspoken, clever, manipulative and sweet: just imitate Jim Bakker. On the chairs around him are several executives in business suits who supply the necessary emotional praises when silently called for by B.J.'s script) B.J. ..And start spreading His word. His word.. (Signals for the piano player to stop. Moving pause) My friends - it isn't God who called you to my presence tonight. No, sir, it was not. You there at home who haven't the will, the strength, or the gas money, or the proper clothes, because God does have his divine dress code for us all here - it wasn't any of you who switched on the television tonight to me, to God, simply because you've seen that Get Smart before. No, my people, you got it wrong. God called you. Yes, indeed, I said God called you, turn those hearing aids up, God called on you. And He has called on me.. (Pause. In turmoil, he wrestles with tears, which flow freely during his speech) He has called on me. But sometimes we do not hear. Sometimes we are out washing the car. Sometimes we are out, with our friends, and spend a load of money on things that can't even be claimed off our taxes. We are turned. We do not hear the Word. Even if it's turned up all the way as progressive rock in a Christian bookstore, we sometimes miss the word of God! - And that is what happened to me.. (Sounds of excitement from the audience) To me, my friends. Me. - I have sinned. I have committed sins before the eyes of the Lord and he is pissed! He is pissed, my friends. No. No! Not pissed. I didn't mean to say that. I'm.. it's like I'm in His power. I don't even know what I'm.. I was swayed by the temptations - not the black soul group, but temptations of Satan and all of his carnal lusts and transgressions which prove the basis for the entire Catholic faith. Sinful I, dear friends.. (He starts to cry. MAMMY comes out, heartbroken as only the matinee actress can be. She has the face of clown which is shown either by wearing a bright-colored mask, or loads of make-up. She brings a box of tissues in a solid-gold container. Takes tissue from box, gives MAMMY a pat) Oh, Mammy.. - thank you Lord, for Mammy.. MAMMY. Oh, Jake.. (To audience) I've never seen him this way before. Usually he's the strong one, but - don't be cold to him, friends. Don't spurn him, cold, rejected by all, and for God's sake, don't change that channel! I think he's really going to let it all out now. You don't want to miss a part of history! B.J. (Very, very emotional) Judge not, lest you shall be judged. I read that in a book once, my friends. Yes, even from works of fiction, the writers understand and appreciate the torments of the soul. You are witnessing a soul in torment today, people, as I have sinned as you have sinned. Every one of you. All of you, even the ones that send in the really big amounts, we are all sinners in the eyes of the Lord! MAMMY. Tell us, Jake. What's bothering you? Torturing your soul? You must tell! B.J. Ah, I wanna tell ya, Mammy. I gotta tell ya. Mammy. I have done you wrong. Check your stones at the door, folks. You are not all without sin! MAMMY. Jake, Jake, what's wrong? (B.J. goes crazy, acting his torture. A camera moves in: having trouble keeping the figure in frame. B.J. shakes the curtains, stomps on the floor, generally works up a sweat) B.J. Let those of you who are without sin -!! (All of a sudden, a sandbag falls from above. B.J., tears in his eyes, raises his arms, pleading to God) VOICE. (From above) Sorry...! B.J. It wasn't my fault. Even Jesus, our great Lord, the Christ - Martin Scorsese knew that! Lust sells the tickets but you're condemned as a sinner if they catch you. I didn't mean to be caught, my friends! I swear to you by - I didn't mean to be caught! Listen! Listen to me! Dear friends! Listen..! I must tell my story... (Lights dim and the men in business suits move to the newly constructed board room. Lights up on the MEN waiting on B.J.) STAN. - even if it means not feeding my own family for the next five weeks, I'm going to put this food stamp collecting club together. My pregnant wife was getting too fat anyway.. OLIE. I don't think you can stop her from that, Stan. BLAND. (Escaped from GQ) My program too is very important. God's justice must be served. Even if it means my own sacrifice. CHARLES. Exactly. BLAND. Charles, what've you got going on? CHARLES. Well, Bland, I'm trying to reduce the sale of arms to the middle east and give them all the free bibles they can shoot. Bland? BLAND. Glad you asked, Charles. Going about trying to make a new Christian channel the fourth network. OLIE. Pretty tall stuff, Bland. BLAND. Notatall, Olie. All I do is wait till Ted Turner goes broke, then I buy his facilities, let him keep all the movies and use the stations to the spread the word of God. With all that, in fact, the whole sentence of God. STAN. That's the spirit! OLIE. The Holy Spirit, Stan. STAN. Don't I know it! CHARLES. Olie? OLIE. Well, Charles, I'm out to make the streets safe again for women and children. And men. CHARLES. Good one! OLIE. Also thought about wiping out all known diseases. STAN. You - OLIE. I know what you're thinking, Stan. I'll have to put in overtime for that one. I'm not sure if Jake'll approve it. BLAND. Jake? STAN. Good Lord, what's money to Jake when God's work could be done? CHARLES. When the money these good people send goes to help their own wretched lives? OLIE. I know - BLAND. Why the man's the sequel to Jesus Christ! The Bob Hope for the sinners of hell! The Best Actor of the Lord's private picture! The - (Suddenly the stage dims a bit; there's thunder and lightning. Lights back to normal; it's all taken just a second, because BLAND continues his sentence. God has just intervened) George Bush of bastards! The Donald Trump of the asshole tricksters! (ALL laugh) CHARLES. He probably wants another Goddamn raise! (Groans all around) STAN. Think he'll ever show? OLIE. Gives new meaning to "bored meeting".. CHARLES. Well we can't last much longer at the present rate. OLIE. Exactly. BLAND. He spends money like other people drink water. If we all band together maybe we can stop him. (They look at him) CHARLES. I never drink water. Diet Cokes. Tea. BLAND. All right. STAN. Diet Popsi - the choice of a new degeneration! BLAND. All right, all right! It's just an expression! CHARLES. Yes, but he does put the i.o. in religion. (More laughs) STAN. He wants me to build him a water-ski lodge for God's chosen, with revolving door confessionals and hotter than hell steam rooms, one for each room - build it, with just a budget of seventeen million. OLIE. Sounds like enough to me! STAN. But Olie - there's not enough money to buy a doorknob to start with! BLAND. Confessionals? But we're not Catholic are we? CHARLES. Good God! (They all look at one another; no one knows the religion. B.J. enters in loose-looking business suit: tie undone, buttons undone, etc.) B.J. I've not much time. Show starts in a couple minutes. Let's keep it short. What's the matter? Now. As you all know, I've worked so hard to keep God's corporation afloat and I don't want to have to tell you again that my salary is far too big now. I don't need another raise. No, and I want to be very firm on this. (MEN groan; they know what this means) Where's Smith? A board meeting is not, when all the members aren't here. OLIE. You sent him on a - (B.J. gives him a look meaning "shut up when I talk") B.J. As I was saying, I don't expect anything extra, and some sort of appropriations planning must be installed within this company to insure that such flighty spending like this does not continue. See to it Stan. (STAN holds up a card he's been writing. It reads "Yes, Jake.". CHARLES stands and conducts while the others, together:) MEN. (Without much feeling) But Jake, you deserve another raise. Please. Take it. You work so hard - BLAND. And - CHARLES. (Reprimanding the out-of-line BLAND) Get in line. Come on. MEN. that you don't get enough as it is. B.J. But a ten percent rise over last month is too grand. OLIE. I'll say - (CHARLES hits him) MEN. But thoroughly within your rights as the leader who has so much time taken away from his family. B.J. Well, I suppose you're right. Now, onto my newest and really greatest scheme on building up of God's glory town. (Notices and picks up telegram on table) What's this? BLAND. Oh. Telegram from Smith. Came in this morning. Utah. B.J. Of course. (Opens it and reads:) Surveying going well. Stop. Thought more about conditions under which financial situations may be improved. Stop. Stop raises. Stop. They take away from building programs. Stop. Feeding the poor. Stop. Giving out the bibles you promised for the homeless." Stop. (Puts telegram in his pocket, and with a sweet smile, presses the button to the intercom) CHARLES. But you can't fire Smith. He's been here as long, longer than any of us. B.J. (Into intercom) Rhoda? Have a contract put out on Gerald Smith, would you? RHODA. (Voice from box) Right away, sir. OLIE. You're not going to have him killed? (MEN look at OLIE like he did something wrong) B.J. Why, Olie. You never complained when I had people fired before..? OLIE. I know. But isn't there a more humane way to terminate them? B.J. Hmm.. good idea. Stan. See to it. Just as a standby precaution. But still something that doesn't leave dental records. Anything else? CHARLES. (Tired) Your new building program? B.J. Oh yes! Exciting! Exciting stuff! I want to build the Great Wall of America! China has one! Why shouldn't we? Bigger, better! More expensive! Expansive! With more Kodak picture moments built in for future film sales! A stand with novelty items and film at every twenty feet of solid granite! Well? What do you think? BLAND. - So this will be after the Museum of Heroic Messiahs and Gospel Singers. And the ski lodge. And the Universal-like Red Sea parting where if you don't cross the damn thing by the time your quarter runs out, you get drowned. And the Amusement Park for the Youth of Lesbian and Gay Couples. And the New Commando Camp for Disabled-In-the-Head Veterans: a whole field for war games with real ammo. By the way, Jake, I really urge again that we make them pay first. It's the only way to clear overhead. And a workshop helping divorced couples get through the sentimental stage of getting back together, to help them stay divorced. Each plan involves at least fifteen million dollars and we'd need more American land than the Japanese own. And those are only from last week's meeting. B.J. Right. Well I guess that's about it. Keep it up. Meeting dismissed. Think about the Wall construction.. (They all start to get up) Oh, Olie, speaking of keeping it. Stay for a moment, would you? (Others leave. B.J. smiles, pats OLIE on back a little longer and more than what we'd call friendly) You seem tense, my friend. Olie? OLIE. No, no, I don't need - OLIE AND B.J. one of my/your special back rubs. B.J. Come around tomorrow night. About nine. OLIE. Mammy..? B.J. I appreciate your concern, but she's never tense. I never have to give her.. TECHNICIAN. (Enters) Five minutes. B.J. (To TECHNICIAN) Goddamn you! (A flicker of the light, a clap of thunder and the next thing we know, the TECHNICIAN is gone in a wisp of smoke) Nobody messes with the Lord. (He leaves) OLIE. I can just see it. The newest Covenant movie. "Jesus Christ is Lord - in - A View To Eternal Hell. (Lights out here and up on an area off-camera. Half a curtain hides MAMMY and her make-up man from the "audience". MAMMY pops pills) MAN. Mammy, slow down. MAMMY. I must take my pills. Gotta take my pills. Gotta take them. How's my make-up? MAN. As thick as ever. MAMMY. Good. Good. Nails? MAN. Sharp as a bitch's. MAMMY. I don't know if I can do it. I don't know. MAN. Every day it's the same way. Same conversation. You can. And you do, every day. Now go out there. MAMMY. I forgot the words! I just know I forgot the words! Oh my God, what are they? To the song - I can't remember a fucking thing! Oh, the words! MAN. When in doubt, just remember. For the Christian song. Three things: Jesus. Love. Heaven. Just put them together in a coherent sentence and sing along. The tunes are all the same anyway. MAMMY. I don't know, I don't know - MAN. If you get really scared. Put in a few "He knows". That always helps. And you can always hum the last couple notes of a line. Makes it sound praiseworthy. MAMMY. I'm so nervous! I'm so nervous! (Takes a few more pills) MAN. Remember: Amens, pretentious. Give it heart! (B.J. enters) B.J. Are we ready? MAN. (Looks at watch) In two.. B.J. (Hates it when she pill pops) Mammy, stop that. You're relaxed. MAN. If she were any more calm she'd be controlling air traffic. B.J. What the fuck did you say? MAN. Cool out, Blow Job. B.J. You call me B.J., you shithole! I'll give you a blow job! MAN. No way, you haven't reached the M's yet.. MAMMY. I..I.. - what are the words? Do they know Yellow Submarine? Oh - oh, the words! (B.J.'s about to blow up at MAN but we'll never know because the curtains closes on this scene, and we're out in front where the intro. is about to be done: a hard-rock musician stands in front of huge speakers, electric guitar in hand. He gets the cue from CAMERAMAN and strikes the pick to the guitar. A loud chord echoes, blowing the speakers. CAMERAMAN makes the cut signal and MUSICIAN runs off. Shouts of concern: "Oh my God, he's blown it!" "Oh great, oh great!" "Just go on, don't wait for the intro." "Hurry, hurry, we're on!". B.J. and MAMMY rush on; she's swallowing a bulk of something - but they're all smiles, pure pros) B.J. Well, well! Hello folks! (Applause. They wave to audience) MAMMY. Hi y'all! B.J. Mammy, don't these people look like they're just waiting for the spirit of the Lord to rise within them? MAMMY. They certainly do, B.J.! B.J. How 'bout one of your lovely songs to start off the morning right? Okay! MAMMY. You got it, Jake! (Piano intro. Sings:) JESUS TRIED TO PLEASE US BUT WE A-LL REALLY FUCKED IT U-U-UP! (B.J. loses his smile; CAMERAMAN doesn't know what to do, just keeps filming) JESUS HE APPEASED US BUT YOU DIDN'T LET HIM SHAVE ONCE! (She starts laughing: now she's having fun, the drug's influence is apparent. During the song, MAMMY at some point tilts mic up so much that she almost chokes on it, then gets it caught on her earring. Toward the end of the song, it's being modulated so much that MAMMY can't sing that high) YOU GAVE US HOPE WHEN NOBODY GAVE A DAMN! AND THE CATHOLICS HAVE A POPE WHO LIVES IN THE - Everybody! VATICAN! Yeah! OOO-OOO, JESUS (She repeats the earlier stuff because now her mind is doing strange things. Lights flicker and all other people go away: we're in her hallucination now. Colored lights. The PHANTOM of the Opera glides by, trying to play the harmonica through his mask but can't. An MC, like that of Joel Grey from Cabaret comes on with a wicked smile from behind the curtains) PHANTOM. Mammy... I am your angel... MAMMY. My -..? PHANTOM. I'll be your angel - get your fat ass over here, angel... (MAMMY starts crying) MC. Ladies und gentlemen. Do you feel good? - We'll soon change that! (Laughs. Three WOMEN, dressed as men, start dancing behind MC. PHANTOM grabs MAMMY by the hair) PHANTOM. Why are you crying, my angel? Can't you yet get a ticket to my show? (WOMEN start doing "Whee!"'s in low men voices) MAMMY. Muffet? Muffet? Where are you, my darling? My lover? Muffet? (Someone kicks a stuffed dog on stage, and MAMMY really starts to cry) MC. Do you feel gooood? Of course you do! You have religion! Come! Let us worship the limelight together! MAMMY. Muffet.....! MC. (Laughs) It is all so boring, this constant energy! Wheee..! PHANTOM. Angel! I have a whip in the car! (MAMMY starts screaming, exactly counter to the WOMEN's shouts. As she continues crying even more, the set breaks apart into the waiting area of a private clinic. There is an information desk and somewhere on it reads a sign: "Gerald Ford Center For Self-Abuse". A calm B.J. sits in one of the chairs, reading some kind of report) B.J. (Pause, reading) Where the fuck is the cameraman? (Pause, then CAMERAMAN and ASSISTANT rush on) ASSISTANT. Sorry, sorry. Just getting some establishing shots of the emotionally distraught. CAMERAMAN. Lovely cripple in the center area. An arm and a leg gone, but still addicted to eating a pack of goldfish a day since college. B.J. Make-up? ASSISTANT. He'd been red from crying. His nose bloody from falling off some kind of building. B.J. Great, good. CAMERAMAN. Regular pull-back, shaky kinda home-movie reality shots? B.J. Yes, usual, just make sure and catch me unaware. CAMERAMAN. (Done it before) Right, right. B.J. Lot of feet. You're being pushed. My face: I can't go on - that kinda of thing. CAMERAMAN. I know, I know. ASSISTANT. And...cue.. (B.J. starts crying; ASSISTANT gets in position to play bodyguard) Two...one... (Flags B.J. who has his face hidden behind his hands) B.J. .. I can't believe.. it, I - it's not... I can't be - (ASSISTANT starts pushing CAMERAMAN, and mumbling some friendly warnings. B.J., talking to himself, finally notices the camera) Oh! - I.. no, no. Let him go. The man's only doing his job. He deserves.. CAMERAMAN. Mr. Bimmer, is it true that your wife was recently admitted for substance abuse? Are those rumors true? B.J. Who told you that? - Yes. You deserve an answer. My whole congregation deserves an answer, to something I never even knew was a problem. Oh, I knew that our gospel sessions were always something of a tax on my poor wife. She tries to cope. Two children, a dog, record contracts, it's only human that the strain would.. (Breaks down a little, controls himself) All the time she spends at malls, buying thousands of dollars worth of things, it doesn't help. It's not drugs. Just these little tablets you can buy at any drug store to pep you up. To keep the spirit of Jesus alive. Alive and kicking! For Jesus! For you! (Controls himself again) Yes. Yes, she has problems. I will be there for her. When I'm not working. Building things. Spreading the word of God. Because the Lord, yes He knows. That His word, like the fertilizer of our soul-crops, is more important than any human happiness, or strained marriage. Yes! The Lord will reign! (Pause, for dramatic effect) Friends. Do you know what the last thing my wife Mammy said to me as she slipped out of her gown and into a coma? - She said, "Jake! Jake! I feel that I'm going fast! Make sure you tell them about your newest project! Please, Jake! I would feel so much better if you'd just promise me that you'll tell our people, God's people, about the new building program God has called upon you to do! Do that for me, Jake! Please! I.." (Makes the sound like someone's dying) A new center for the nerves! The nerves of people who have strained theirs! Is this God's way of telling me how important such a project is? My God! If you are in heaven right now, and not out to lunch, please Lord, tell me, tell Your people - did you do this for them? Is my wife to be Jezebel Christ? So that they might know the glory of Your wisdom in a building program that will only cost fourteen million dollars, and we need your support. Right now. (DOCTOR enters. He wears white coat and tool belt, both smudged with oil. He tries to interrupt, but he's shushed) We are so far behind, friends. And I don't feel... Oh God, help them to see the importance of Mammy's last wish! A project to do so much good. Gold leafed wallpaper in the waiting rooms. Tennis, golf, bowling, football, ice hockey and suicide facilities for every patient. The best volunteer medical staff money can't buy. (DOCTOR relates by motions that he's something important to tell B.J. but he's hushed) I don't.. I don't... know how much longer - I can go on like this. Not knowing. Wanting. Horny. Without my wife. I only know that - please God. Lord, make them, our people give till it hurts. For my wife. For Mammy. Till it hurts - hurts as much as I do.. I.. (Motions that he can't go on. Camera's turned off) DOCTOR. I have some rather important news..! ASSISTANT. And.. we're clear. CAMERAMAN. Great. B.J. All right, now. Get that over to the station. Make sure it's used on tonight's broadcast. Scratch whatever's hot, this is hotter. ASSISTANT. On my way. B.J. Tell controller, shake it up a bit more. Cameraman, you weren't fighting enough. (They nod and exit) DOCTOR. Mr. Bimmer, I don't see your concern for your wife showing such a - B.J. How is the bitch, doctor? DOCTOR. Mr. Bimmer, I'm afraid I'll have to report your lack of feeling to someone. Perhaps some counselor can help you to - B.J. Oh, come on, doc. And who would believe you? I said, how's the cow? DOCTOR. No you didn't. You said "how's the bitch". B.J. (Shouting) You dare call my wife a bitch?! Why you - (Calm, like before) See? - Don't fuck with me, doc. DOCTOR. (Sweating) Your wife's condition is stable. She's suffering from what we doctors call ill-health. Now this may be caused by a variety of factors. But personally I think it may be from an overdose of pills. Now this, in medical terms, is not good. She'll need to be here several days, or until your money runs out, for observation and general psychological abuse by our trained abusive psychologists. Now, for a few treatments I could suggest, doing nothing and just collecting an enormous fee would be my first choice as the way to go.. (During this last part the conversation has phased out as the lights fade out here, and once again the board room set constructed. Nobody's here right now. LUKE and RICK enter. They look about, not sure if this is the right place) RICK. You must be..? LUKE. Really? That means you're.. RICK. Yeah. LUKE. This the place? RICK. Well there was a plaque on the wall outside. LUKE. I can't read. RICK. Yeah, me neither. That's why they made me a board member, I guess. LUKE. Hey, same here. RICK. I guess.. Hey. Jake doesn't pat you on the back kinda funny does he? LUKE. (Thinks something's strange) - We're friends. RICK. What're you in charge of? LUKE. I'm to oversee the "Largest Zoo in the World!" building project. He wants two of each animal. I don't know why. RICK. I guess to - LUKE. Yeah, but two males? RICK. Oh. (OLIE and CHARLES enter) CHARLES. You found it. I was going have the picture of a board meeting placed on the wall - OLIE. How's it going with the temple, Rick? RICK. All right. LUKE. Rick. Temple? RICK. A pyramid temple for every executive member who dies here. OLIE. Yes. Where are Stan and Bland? CHARLES. Shh..! We don't mention their names here. I don't know.. They just disappeared.. OLIE. So they don't qualify as gods then? RICK. I don't know, though. It's such a chore to get those granite blocks moved. I'm behind. And I don't have enough slaves.. CHARLES. You can always advertise for more volunteers. We'll put it in the minutes. Let's commence. OLIE. What's the word? CHARLES. I have Blow Job's vote in this telegram right here. Along with another. OLIE. What? CHARLES. I don't know. To be opened after the raise vote. RICK. Raise vote? OLIE. B.J. gets a raise every board meeting. Standard corporate policy. LUKE. And us? CHARLES. Where did B.J. find you two? LUKE. I'm from the club. His health club. CHARLES. Of course you are. OLIE. How many days behind are you? In building? RICK. Oh... four. Five days. CHARLES AND OLIE. Oh dear.. RICK. What? It's not my fault. They want Sunday as a day of rest. And they want grain to make bread. Open the temples, they say! OLIE. Jesus Christ, there's not a single building program on schedule. Where does all the money go? CHARLES. The raise? (All raise hands and say "Ay!". All but RICK, that is) RICK. Why should he keep getting raises when we don't get one? (OLIE and CHARLES look at each other) CHARLES. Nay? RICK. Nay. (CHARLES opens the telegram, reads it. He rises, shakes RICK's hand) CHARLES. Nice working with you, Rick. Really nice. Call sometime. (Pats him on the back. RICK knows he made a big mistake. CHARLES takes a wrapped package from the table and gives it to RICK. It ticks) It's a.. clock.. - Good luck. (Ushers him out the door) LUKE. I just had a great idea! OLIE. I'm sure you have. LUKE. No, really wonderful! CHARLES. Yes..? LUKE. Lifetime memberships! OLIE. Lifetime memberships? You must be kidding! CHARLES. We already did that last w- LUKE. Yes, but these are special. You see. Glory be to God can only get you so far, so what we do is sell the carnal stuff. OLIE. You mean like prostitution? LUKE. In a way. It's now not simply doing God's work that we want your money. It's that we want you to get something out of it. Your home is here. Among God's few and wealthy. For each, let's say thousand dollar donation - call it donation from now on, after all they're not giving it, it's a loan to do Christ's work - and every donation of that amount receives a free weekend here. As our guest. Once in there lives. Give the old people a thrill before they kick it. (OLIE and CHARLES look at each other. Pause. Then they jump and start kissing LUKE on the head. Somewhere in the far distance a bomb goes off) CHARLES. Genius! OLIE. Blow Job'll get a hard on when he hears it! LUKE. It's just a brilliant thought. CHARLES. I'll put the thing together in some kind of sensible figures and pitch it to Jake as soon as - OLIE. Just make the bottom numbers higher than the lower, and he's sold, we've got him by the balls! CHARLES. We'll fund Great Harlotry yet! (Towards the end of this conversation, lights dim here and we're now back in the waiting room B.J.'s alone, looking over files) B.J. ..could appropriate that and shift to baked beans and limestone bookmarks. The land, rich in ten essential vitamins and mineral rights might be hard to acquire. But at the cost of God's work, I - (A sudden attack. There are voices inside B.J.'s head. He screams) What do you want now! God! I have given you everything! My wife. My life. You've seemed to take everything from me! I don't know if I can go on! My wife! I even doubt my faith sometimes! The biggest, richest piece of land in the district! If you're going to give me anything, at least let my bid for the land be ample! The people will give. I will! Anything! Take my wife, please! I don't know if I have the ability which You yourself gave me in that little town of Chicago, Illinois. In that little high school theater when you first appeared to me! As that giant black man from Porgy and Bess. I knew then you had Bessed me for work. You called, and I came. I know it took me a while, Lord, but I was just a boy of twenty-five. And I had homework after school. You're not going to hold that against me all my life, are you, Lord? I can't continue with so many projects, that take me away from my family, my sanity, my great CD collection. Not without their help. Not without my people's money. I can't do it alone! (Sometime during the next part, the lights will dim here, the podium will come back and the CAMERAMAN will start filming B.J. - and before the audience knows it, he's in the middle of a show, in the middle of a pitch) I realize that everything you do is for a reason. You've taken my wife a month ago. Haven't given her back yet. I have lived with that woman. For years. And I know you have good reason for taking her. But without support. Financial support. From the good people You made in Your image. Because we're all fighting for the miracle of God. Of God. - I'd like to take a moment to take this opportunity of quoting a little bit of the Holy Word. (Starts looking for bible) Written by prophets hand-picked by You. And they wrote what You told them to. Not knowing if it was true or not. Not knowing if they would be getting any kind of royalties from future sales. And they wrote it. And I would like to take a look at a very important chapter to me in my month of loneliness. Yes. I would like to, dear friends. But I seemed to have left it at home. - That's all right. That's all right. We don't need the word of God here. We don't need it here tonight. Because He is here. Yes, He is here. I gave Him a free ticket tonight when He spoke to me inside my head. And He said.. yes, folks, He said.. I forgot what the seat number was for His seat.. but (Has started feeling strange; voices in head, like before) Oh Lord! Oh Lord, He is a-comin'! I feel... He's in my.. oh, it's another telephone call from the Man Himself.. and He says.. He's telling me.. to.. Oh, my Lord.. He.. (Really sweating and crying now. Starts speaking in tongues. First gibberish, then languages: such as Spanish, French, German. Then an old Jewish man. Perhaps disguised quotations from whatever the actor may care to include. In fact, this is the actor's time to shine: let him ham it and do anything. After all, who's to say what a person does and says when he speaks in tongues. After a few minutes, he finally finishes; worn out. Breathes hard) .Ladies.. gentlemen. I'm sorry... the Holy Spirit. When it moves me... when it comes... like a breathe of warm air up the bum.. when it moves me.. it should move you, too, good people. The Drug and Self-Abuse Center is nearly complete. Please. Please, God, please them to give. Give. Goddamn it, give! We need your support. The water park needs your support. To make Great Harlotry the greatest Christian amusement park in the world! Fuck Walt Disney! (Lights out to thunderous applause) VOICE. (Off) Clear! (CAMERAMAN moves off. We're backstage. B.J.'s toweling off. CHARLES comes on with YES DAWN, who's wearing a low-cut dress that also shows some leg) CHARLES. B.J., I know how hard up you are right now, no pun intended. I want you to meet Yes Dawn. For your secretarial position. And any other position she might fit in, if you know what I mean.. B.J. (Puts arm around YES, and leads her off as the set starts to change) Let's go somewhere for your interview.. (A hotel bedroom set: bed, lamp on table, door) YES. That was quick. B.J. Yes, well I hope you won't have to say that again tonight. Yes? YES. Yes? B.J. That's a strange sort of name. YES. I had it changed when I moved out here to Scarlette. My name was originally Maybe Not, but it kind of discouraged people from hiring me, you - B.J. I may sound very interested and sincere, but you can start to get your clothes off. YES. Yeah, all right. I think I've had a job like this before. B.J. I'll give you a raise like you've never seen! Woof! (In one quick motion, YES tears off her dress completely, exposing bra and naughty panties) YES. I just don't want to do anything that's a sin against God. B.J. Then you picked the right prick little lady. Of all the sins of this world and the next, I know all the ins and outs. Bend over, I'll show you one now. (They start getting friendly) YES. How long've you been leader of the BLT Club, B.J.? B.J. (Starts to unzip pants) As long as this.. (But there's a knock at the door) Nobody knows I'm here. Did you tell anyone we were here? (YES shakes her head "no". B.J. moves carefully to the door. Speaks through it) Yes? YES. What? B.J. (Motions for YES to shut up. No answer from other side of door. Another knock) What do you want? (Only mumbles from other side. He opens door a crack) Yes? What? MAN. Excuse me, sir. But have you given any thought as to the creative force which made the little ducky and you. B.J. What? MAN. Do you have the word of God? I know there's one in there, but stealing breaks one of the commandments, but we still want to you - B.J. Jesus Christ! MAN. Exactly, sir. I'm a Jehovah's Bystander and I'd like to talk to you about faith. B.J. I don't believe it! MAN. It's true. Believe. Trust the word of God. B.J. The word of God! You make it sound like he's got a vocabulary problem! Piss off! (Tries to close the door, but MAN sticks his foot in) Get your stinking foot out of my door! These prostitutes are paid by the hour now, you know! MAN. But the word of God - B.J. - makes up half the graffiti in the world. The world would be a much cleaner place if the unemployed prophets wouldn't keep spreading the word of God in every available space! MAN. I've only one bible left, sir. Please. Buy it. Cleanse your soul. B.J. I should wash out my wallet so you can get those points for one more sold box toward that give-away car?! God'll give you a new foot! MAN. Thirty dollars! What's a thirty dollar bible to a man who can pay prostitutes by the hour. B.J. (Searches for money in his pants) She's my secretary, so this comes off my income tax as abusiness expense.. (Finds money and gives it to him) MAN. The Lord bless and keep you, sir. And you're right. I'm halfway to my Ford Escort already.. (Tries to give him bible) B.J. Keep it. There's probably some section on the sin of invasion of privacy - read it! Or can't you rationalize a passage like that! (Tries to force him out again) MAN. Just one more thing, sir. B.J. What? MAN. (Takes out a camera and snaps a picture of B.J., with YES in background) Say: cut the cheese! (Runs away; B.J. can't catch him) B.J. Oh my God... YES. What is it? What's the matter, B.J.? B.J. The East Carolina Observim. They've been after me for months about mishandling money. Wife-swapping. Strange sexual acts. My wife's problems. Too many commercials, not enough God. Renewing my subscription.. (Starts to tear; becomes worried) YES. (Tries to be consoling, the only way she knows how. Pats his back) ..Can you get it up now? B.J. My empire falls apart around me. I am a god on Earth, yet so many throw dildos to bring me down. They don't understand the pressure.. The voices inside my.. YES. I wasn't always a slut, you know. I had talent. I was a waitress. I could serve a Coke, without spilling it, you know? But there was bigger money, we're talking much better, in being a floozy. With big breasts. I like working for church organizations. They really know what sin is, you know? It's because they've been teaching what not to do for so long, they know how to do it. And I haven't had to type a sentence for the past six years. I trust in God and the guys I banged to get me those positions - because I have faith.. B.J. (Still upset) The Christian faith is the only truly significant sexual act. YES. (Dreamy) Yeah.. B.J. Let me just masturbate while you look sexy. YES. (Getting into positions) Isn't masturbation a sin against God? B.J. Only if you don't do it right.. (Scene changes from here as B.J. starts to undress. It's a hospital room now, with an empty bed and JILL sitting reading a magazine next to the bed. It's night. MAMMY is walking toward the middle of the dark stage. A stuffed cat is thrown out on stage, she sees it and reacts in silent horror. Mozart's Jupiter Symphony is played, with someone making up silly lyrics. MAMMY can't stand the song. A CLOWN dances on, making silly falls, maybe a magic trick or two. The Symphony dies away. CLOWN takes off his make-up face and wants to give it to MAMMY. CLOWN leads her slowly back to her bed, using the mask as bait - he makes pratfalls and does silly things until near the bed. Silly Symphony starts up again and CLOWN puts the mask back on himself. MAMMY screams in bed and wakes herself up. Dreams are gone. JILL rushes to the bed and holds her) JILL. What is it, Mammy? What's the matter? MAMMY. I had a terrible nightmare! Oh goodness... where are my wigs? (JILL picks up a collection of wigs that were hiding behind the bed. MAMMY chooses a green one, from the many available colors, and puts it on. It makes her feel better) JILL. It was only a dream. Are you okay? You're getting better, Mammy. You know that. MAMMY. Oh, Jill. Thank you. Did I say thank you? Thank you, Jill. I don't know what I'd do without your paid companionship. JILL. Mammy. You just get better, and keep those checks coming, that's all the payment I need. MAMMY. Jill, I love you. I can't tell you what - .. since Jake's been so busy. With.. what's he doing now, Jill? JILL. Water park, Mammy. It's glorious. I've seen first drafts, sketches, models. It's all broadcast. Only twenty-three million. The biggest waterslide in the world, riding you right into the arms of Jesus. The largest imported collection of holy water on record since Noah's Ark, to be blessed by the President of the United States himself. MAMMY. Ronnie's not ordained, is he? JILL. He's filthy rich! MAMMY. Oh! I didn't realize. JILL. Every window tinted - to keep evil out. There's already a waiting list greater than heaven's to get in. I want to waterslide right into the hands of Jesus! MAMMY. And he thinks more about getting wet than he does about me! JILL. But he's trying to get all of God's children wet! MAMMY. Oh come on, Jill. These people have parents, don't give me that. JILL. It's not only that. The worldwide missionary campaign! Bringing the word of the Lord to thousands of people who wouldn't otherwise care. Only fourteen million dollars needed for that one. Bibles of all languages to take with him! Savages and business executives who couldn't otherwise know the power and the glory of God! Why he's even using your album sales to promote the tour. You remember where that label was that read "warning: this record contains the name Jesus many times, combined with pseudo rock elements, not to be regarded as any kind of serious music"? Well, he removed that and put the label: "BLT's Love Tour '86. Come let us love you, and glory be to God! Look for admission coupons in your local paper, or clip them from new cans of Spam." Can you believe it? Glory be to God! MAMMY. But - JILL. Now just relax, don't overexcite yourself. (Takes a pill from her pocket. Fills a glass with expensive water from a fancy-labeled bottle) MAMMY. I'd like my husband back. He does too much. (She swallows the pill she's given, and slowly starts to go to sleep) And he needs me. We were a team when we started out. He was a simple preacher, and I collected the money after he lulled them into a giving frame of mind. Spat Bobbison said it was my smile that made him want us on television. Playing with puppets. Telling the kiddies that there is a God, and he's an overachiever, and that he didn't mean to make men and women so incompatible. He makes mistakes. Jake at first didn't make a move without wearing shoes.. (She's becoming disoriented) without needing me for the dishes, to hope and happiness like green people, picking their noses and brains, in attraction with so many unsold scripts, it's not my fault that I can't have children, that behave, it's like my voice does what it wants and if it doesn't want to make good sounds, the dog wants in, further in, come on, please, I haven't been appeased since last fall when watermelons were in season and those damned American Express commercials were banned by people of all nations if God just shows a little respect, how do you spell it Aretha, I forgot, but He knows all... (She's asleep. Another dream. JILL goes back to reading a religious magazine while a MAN in a black robe and a paper bag over his head gets MAMMY up out of bed, and MAN leads her to center stage where a mic drops from the sky. An arm from behind the curtain hands MAN a guitar. He takes it and MAMMY takes the bag off his head, exposing JESUS CHRIST. His robe falls off and we see he's in a white robe, as he sings a medley of "Michael Row the Boat Ashore" and "Kumbi-ya". MAMMY is about to kiss MAN when lights up on B.J. in a bed. B.J. wakes up screaming and the lights are off on MAMMY and her dream. The screaming wakes up STEVE, who's also in B.J.'s bed) STEVE. What is it? What is it? What happ- B.J. Go back to sleep, Steve. STEVE. Was it a nightmare? Was it a vision? Did God wake you up again? B.J. Oh, Mammy, I miss you so... STEVE. B.J. Put her out of your mind. B.J. Yes! It wasn't a dream! (Clearly he's making this up for the benefit of others) God has called upon me yet again! An even greater mission has been made to me! I.. see! For the - first time in my life! God has told me the purpose of my life! My purpose! Quick! Tell the others! An emergency board meeting! This must be - STEVE. Guys! Guys! Quick! (The other three MEN wake up from underneath the bed) B.J. His great plan! It is revealed! Yes! Clear vision! (Mumbles and grumbles of sleepy MEN) CHARLES. What is it, B.J.? Olie? Olie? (Yells under covers for OLIE) B.J. I had to let him go. CHARLES. Olie? Why in the - B.J. No one tells me "no", undermining my authority. CHARLES. But I've known Olie for.. ever since you began this corporation. I know him, B.J. He can't do that without looking at a picture of Raquel Welch. B.J. I'm not talking about that. I mean - the vision of God! CHARLES. Oh that. (Board meeting) Come to order. Come to order. Any old business? I - who's going to take minutes? Olie was the only one of us who could write.. B.J. Just forget Olie. I'm speaking of the divine plan. I was called on to prepare in my dreams. Steve? Oscar? Garvey? Listen.. OSCAR. The Lord called you in your sleep? Cool.. GARVEY. Did he mention my name? I've been a good boy this year, and I'd like - STEVE. He's not Santa Claus, let the man speak.. B.J. It's amazing. Let me explain it. It's the only way to keep my own sanity. (While he speaks, MEN get out of bed and change into women's clothes to participate in the dream) "Tomorrow" kept playing over and over on the intercom then all of a sudden ceased. I was hoping for a rousing chorus of "Memory", you never hear that song, but it was dead silence. I didn't know where I was. So I thought I was in New Jersey. I don't know why. I didn't care. My mind was at piece with the world. Until - suddenly, I realized. I was in New Jersey. One of tallest buildings there. Purple with frills of yellow and a wooden cross antenna at the top, almost three stories tall. The building was at least five stories tall! I was lifted by the white light of a bug zapper, buzzing at me and my bathrobe until the top story. I opened the golden door and pocketed them.. The lights... (Looks in his pockets, but nothing's there) And I was in the company of women, engaged in intellectual conversation. I felt out of place. But that never stopped me before.. (The set is now a large drawing room of a nice apartment. Just a chair, table and drinks here and there. All conversation stops, and they look at him. Then B.J. joins in the WOMEN's chatter. The sound of doors being burst in. A WOMAN enters, happy and shouting) WOMAN. I found Jesus! I found Jesus! Oh Lord, I found Jesus, he was out in the hall all the time! He didn't know which room it was and was afraid to ask anybody, shy little boy. (She drags in JESUS, who just looks like a yuppie, but with a beard. Leads him to group where B.J. is) WOMAN #2. You found him. Thank God. WOMAN. I'd like to introduce Jesus Christ to you all. B.J. Ah, hello, Mr. Christ. And what is it you do? WOMAN. Jesus here is the son of God. B.J. Oh, I see. And what is it that you do for a living? WOMAN #3. (They're getting quickly annoyed with B.J.) He's the son of God. He cures people and preaches the holy word of his father, maker of heaven and earth. B.J. Oh. There's a lot of money in that, is there? (They talk quietly to themselves as a spotlight hits JESUS: a message from Dad. Background party music starts; maybe jazzy piano arrangements of famous Christian songs. Spotlight goes out) What kind of job? WOMAN 3. (All worked up; B.J.'s upsetting them all) Job! It's a book of the Bible! It's in the fucking Old Testament! B.J. (Shakes head) Must be out of print. I only read the new books. When I read. No, I devote myself entirely to spreading and preaching the word of God. WOMAN 3. Who do you think wrote the stupid thing in the first place - August Wilson? Jesus.. (JESUS starts toward her. She sees this and stops him) Sorry.. nothing.. sorry.. WOMAN 2. (About B.J.) This man, made in the Lord's image, is a waste of cardboard. He makes Hitler look like a saint because at least he was honest about being an asshole. You take money from poor, old people who should be going to Disneyworld or leaving it to their cats after they die. Give them false hope. For the price of whatever "love gift" it is this week. B.J. Any hope at all is hope. (At any moment the crowd could turn on B.J.) WOMAN 1. You should be worried about saving lives instead of life savings. We are the heralds of heaven. Coming for to find you righteous! You don't have to be holier than thou, but at least better than a cow! (JESUS comes into the center and motions for silence. He takes another drink, drinks it, then looks at B.J.) JESUS. Let not the crowd sway you. You have been chosen for a mission. If you chose to accept it - all the wonders and glories of heaven and afterlife are yours to be taken. The Miracle Crusade is to be yours. B.J. Are you speaking to me? I've already got a Love Tour planned out, buddy. You're a good salesman, I'll give - JESUS. The Miracle Crusade. It is what God expects of you. B.J. I can give you four minutes, but really. I want a better pitch. What's this Crusade over my own? JESUS. Find the largest gathering places. People will come to you. B.J. Not convention centers? JESUS. My father will have the people listen. In all languages. Colors. B.J. I noticed you left out creeds. He's got a problem with that, I'll bet. JESUS. Every man, woman, child, will hear you. You must see the largest amount of souls, find the largest gathering places. Go into the homes, if necessary. Spread the message that I have given you: it is the word of God. B.J. (Takes out pen and paper to write it down) Okay - what's the message? JESUS. God loves you. He really does. He loves you. He is a forgiving God. He helps those who believe in Him. (Moves off to talk to the other guests) B.J. (Still writing) ..All right. What about the others? You don't wanna discriminate, you know. The whole selling strategy is don't offend anyone, don't leave them out, they might have money, too. Is that the entire - (Notices JESUS is now talking to WOMEN, who keep sneering and pointing at B.J.; he looks at his notes) - I like it. Like - love it! Amazing! Great! Cameras following me into the average homes! Not just a round-the-world trip but a stop at every capital, every country in the world. Well, every major country. A mission directly from God! They'll have to listen. The biggest and best rooms, larger than a pope's hotel suite! Not just a speaker touring from lecture sit-in to reception to reception! But something grand! As only God would call me to do! Big, huge! Larger than any one life! (After he finishes, WOMEN slowly put on make-up masks like MAMMY. B.J. shakes his head, he doesn't want to think about her, as he steps out of his dream. WOMEN start to undress back into MEN) I'll show that carpenter's son what kind of wood makes shingles! I'll do it! This! Yes. Finally, this! Is what I was destined to do! For all time! For all time! (The last line fades out with the lights. A hallway in the Great Harlotry. OSCAR enters carrying a file of papers. He's stopped by a REPORTER) REPORTER. (Flashes his press badge) Observim here, Oscar. Mind if I ask you a few questions? OSCAR. Look at who? REPORTER. Is it true that most of the builders working for you now have filed suit for a restraining order until they get some money for work done? OSCAR. What? I've never heard such - how did you get in here? REPORTER. I told the secretary I had a very large donation to make. OSCAR. Ah. REPORTER. Tell me, Mr. Scortch, isn't it true that before even one payment for the last building is paid, the president, B.J., starts in with another? How long can this go on? OSCAR. Look - do you have any money to give or not? REPORTER. I'd like an answer, Mrs. Scortch. OSCAR. I have no comment. When will you reporters stop hounding, writing those terrible stories - you spelled my name wrong twice.. REPORTER. Isn't it true that just a few weeks ago land that was purchased for a new theater and after-hours bar was reclaimed by the bank? For a fault of funds? OSCAR. No! It's a terrible lie spread by Satan! REPORTER. But the bank corroborated the story. OSCAR. Yes, well of course it's true. REPORTER. And what about - OSCAR. Why are you asking me all these questions? Please, I must - (Tries to get away) REPORTER. How else is the audience going to find out? Mr. Scortch! What about the rumors of wife-swapping? OSCAR. (This stops him; comes back over) - What have you got? (REPORTER takes out a picture and shows it to OSCAR, who shakes his head "not bad". He also takes out a photo and shows it to REPORTER) REPORTER. All right. (They shake hands and smile. Lights out here and up outside the Gerald Ford Center. MAMMY is waiting, chewing gum. ED comes up to her) ED. I'm here to pick you up. MAMMY. I'm married. I'm waiting for my husband. ED. He can't come. MAMMY. What do you mean, can't come? It's my first day out. He couldn't get away even for that? Is it so important? That.. - Did you bring a note? (ED hands her a note. She reads, while:) B.J. (Off) Best wishes, B.J. MAMMY. This is an autograph. ED. Please. My car's right over here. (MAMMY's very sad) MAMMY. No flowers. No sex. No cable. No husband. Do you know what's it like to go without a man for so long? ED. Yes, but I'd rather not talk about it. Here.. (ED's led her to a group of four chairs which will serve as the "car". He opens the door for her. She gets in; he gets in, tries to start it, can't) .These old models.. (Tries again. After a minute, the sound of a car starting. ED and MAMMY start bouncing in the car: car's movements) MAMMY. I don't recognize you. You must be another board member. ED. No. I believe in God. I believe in all things invisible and omnipotent, that have power over men's lives but still allows the cable to sometimes go out. I believe that when I buy a raffle ticket, I'm going to win. When I don't, I believe that's the way it was meant to be. I believe that Santa Claus must be near retiring age by now. I believe the Easter Bunny once shunned his faith, married a chicken and has learned how to market his way of life. I even believe that the President of the United States does work for the first three years of his term. But what I don't believe. Can't. Is how a total asshole like your husband has managed to defraud countless thousands, spend the money on himself, and any mistake the man makes, he has the choice between "the devil tempted me" and "for the glory of God". MAMMY. So have you been working for my husband long? ED. I don't work for false beliefs. MAMMY. Who are you? ED. I'm Ed. Say Hi Ed. MAMMY. Hi, Ed.. ED. I work for the government. How many houses do you own? MAMMY. (Scared) We live in a basement in the poor section of town. ED. (Laughs) Relax. I'm not from the IRS. If I was from the IRS, I could do this - (Tweaks her breast) and get away with it, because I'd be from the IRS. MAMMY. Who - ED. I knew you'd be getting out today. I had a feeling your husband would forget. I have something for him anyway. I'm just a secretary. I work for the Department of Labor Pains. - You have five houses. One in California. Two in Detroit. And two here in East Carolina. Your dog lives in a house expensive enough to feed a family of twelve until they die; your jewelry makes the Pink Panther diamond look like the losing marble in the circle. You've got more wigs than an 18th century member of Parliament. And your husband has enough cars to run the Indy 500 by himself. - I know. I used to work for the Central Agency. MAMMY. CIA? ED. No, this was after the Intelligence was taken out. They'd been checking up on you for quite a time, you see. - Ah, here we are. MAMMY. What do you want? ED. You know you never did answer any of my questions. MAMMY. Could you repeat - ED. I wonder if God loves you anymore. Mrs. Bimmer. MAMMY. Why - ED. Just a favor for a friend. (She gets out of car) Oh. And Mrs. Bimmer? - Would you give this to your husband? (Hands her an envelope) MAMMY. Call me Mammy, please. What is it? ED. A command for your mandatory presence at an IRS hearing next week. MAMMY. An audit? (ED laughs, tweaks her breast again. She's angry and slams the car door. Delayed sound effect) ED. ..It's an old model.. (Laughs as he drives/shimmies away. Lights up on B.J.'s office. B.J.'s behind desk looking at papers. A SECRETARY is polishing nails - the kind for hammering - in a seat to the side) B.J. (To himself) The total shouldn't exceed twelve hundred Life memberships. And if there's four occupants for every room, I think we'll be all right. All the money saved on junk mail.. (Shouts at SECRETARY) Careful with those nails! That's government gold! Twenty-five dollars a piece! And I don't care if you have to do overtime again, they must be polished before the new hotel is started. SECRETARY. Yes, B.J. B.J. (Smiles) Call me Jake. (She smiles back. He smiles at her. A possible wooing is forming here. Pauses, titters, raised eyebrows. B.J. takes a bottle of lotion out of the desk to imply something. A pause. But suddenly, YES enters) YES. You gave me religion in the worst way, but you ain't gave me anything yet! B.J. What the hell -! What are you doing busting in here like that? YES. You never complained about my bust before! B.J. I'm in a meeting. YES. There's nobody here! B.J. God is speaking to me..! YES. Oh no. You won't get away with that again. You can't get it up, and it's "It's not God's plan". Give me a break! B.J. (To SECRETARY) - Will you excuse us a few minutes, while I give Ms. Dawn a break? Whoops! (Hands her lotion she didn't take) You practice for later.. (She takes lotion and leaves) What the fuck do you mean by - YES. And what do you mean by ignoring my blackmail notices? B.J. I'm ignoring all bills at the moment. YES. You owe me something! How I've suffered! B.J. You couldn't suffer if you were sitting on one! - I know that doesn't make any sense, but everything has been falling apart lately.. YES. I want ten thousand dollars or I'm going to the newspapers! B.J. Here's a quarter, get me one too. YES. Don't screw with me, Jake. I'm serious. I might even be pregnant, but that depends on how much I can get out of you. B.J. I can't afford ten hundred. You know, a thousand. I'm right in the middle of an IRS audit. They want to know where it all comes from and goes. I say the God Almighty - but they won't take that crap. The investigation's putting a hold on my funds. The bank loans are all that's keeping my building programs up, and even some of those are starting to be recalled. I'm losing it.. Yes, I tell you I'm a dying man.. I'm going.. Yes.. Yes.. YES. Are you talking to me? B.J. What? YES. Are you saying "yes, yes" as in that's correct, or are you saying my name? B.J. And being blackmailed by an I.Q. lower than my desk.. I'm through.. through.. Yes. Help me. YES. Are you - B.J. Yes, for Christ's sake I'm talking to you! Give me some time.. YES. East Carolina won't sit still for you, Jake Bimmer. And neither will I. Two weeks. Ten thousand dollars. After that, I'm showing the paper my spread. B.J. I've seen it, it didn't do anything for me. (A knock at the door. JOHN enters. He looks like all the other board members) JOHN. Oh. Am I disturbing a prayer meeting? YES. I've already made one call to the Observim, Jake. About you, I told them I have something really hot. And wet.. Hot. (Pause) They can't wait till I cool down and talk.. (She exits) B.J. What a bitch. JOHN. Did she come to find the Lord? B.J. No. Something more profitable. John, she couldn't find the Lord if Moses himself led the way. What do you want? JOHN. Another project's fallen through. Workers on number three say if they don't get their money by the end of today, they're walking. We haven't got it. B.J. Have them eliminated. JOHN. (Shocked) But it's a holiday weekend! B.J. Well let them work until five, of course. JOHN. You can't just sack all those family men - B.J. Who said fire? Eliminate them! Knock 'em off! JOHN. No, Jake! No! You can't! Think of the worker's comp.! B.J. I don't care! Kill the buggers! Wipe 'em out! Drown them! Rip off their external organs and make them swallow - they should all be on the inside anyway! Run them over! Push them off! Make them watch Disney films over and over and over and over and over until they do what I say! And stop being against me! Everyone, against me! (JOHN slaps B.J. to snap him out of it, just as CHARLES enters) CHARLES. (Thinking it's something kinky: again) Oh. I'm sorry. I'll come back. B.J. No, Charles, what is it? Take care of Mammy's new singing contract? CHARLES. She's been spending a lot of time with the producer, Jake. Working on the record, they say. B.J. I can't even buy her back anymore... CHARLES. Jake. I've got to talk to you about - Yes. She's been - (Looks at JOHN) B.J. Oh it's all right. John's a board member... CHARLES. Yes, that's right. I forgot. All these new faces, you know. - Jake. Yes can't be stalled any more. I don't know how she got in today. B.J. If the hall security man has a smile on his face, fire him. CHARLES. It's more than that, Jake. Something's got to be done about her. She keeps writing, and I keep ignoring the letters. But it looks like this won't go away. She's got to have her money! B.J. Her money! It's my money! I stole it unfair and round! If she wants to start her own religion, it's fair game. But she's not taking what I sweat and perform for every night! It wasn't that good a screw! CHARLES. Whether it was or not, we can't just let this go. She's got a lawyer now. We've got to pay something. B.J. John. How much can we afford? JOHN. (Does some figures on his pocket calculator) - Depends on how much's in the collection plates. CHARLES. My God! It can't be that bad! B.J. Charles? CHARLES. B.J.? B.J. You're fired. CHARLES. That's funny. What are we going to do? The IRS wants documents, everybody wants money. I'm not selling my hundred thousand dollar home! B.J. Pick up your last bouncing paycheck and go to hell. CHARLES. You can't be serious! Are you insane? I've helped you build and steal this company. You can't do this - B.J. God! Show me the way. You have forsaken me for a while. I've got bills piling up. Projects slacking. Memberships aren't coming in. The old folks are keeping their money.. and.. I'm running out of pepper. CHARLES. (Grabs B.J. by the shirt) Listen here, you shriveled up, dried out old man! You need me! We're going to jail unless we stick together! And maybe even then! But you get rid of me - and you're gonna wish you did believe in God.. (Pause. They look at JOHN) B.J. You getting all this, John? (Lights out. Then:) You're fired.. (Scene changes to the BIMMER household. An expensive place; we're in the bedroom. A bed, a window, a nightstand, and an expensive dog house. MAMMY comes in with a silver tray of dog biscuits) MAMMY. Muffet! Muffet! (Whistles for dog. A string from offstage pulls a stuffed dog along until it reaches the doghouse) There you are, Muffet, you naughty bitch. Where have you been hiding? Huh? Where have you been.. (Makes those baby noises and faces all grown-up dog owners do. B.J. enters, getting dressed. Sings:) You taught me how to shine. Jesus, you dog you, I'll love ya anytime! B.J. You've been singing a lot lately. MAMMY. I feel the spirit of the Lord in my shoes! B.J. What's that mean? - You've been recording a lot for the past couple weeks. MAMMY. I've had a lot to say, Jake. Why do you - B.J. I've missed you, honey. (As MAMMY goes to nightstand to put on more make-up) Dirty movies just don't compare to you, dear. MAMMY. Ah, B.J., you're sweet. I'll be ready in a minute. B.J. The car's been sold, we'll have to take a bus. MAMMY. Take a bus to an audit? B.J. They all end up riding one back, my cleavage cutie. MAMMY. Why B.J., you're trying to sweet talk me. I love you, too. B.J. Do you? Do you really? I don't believe you. MAMMY. Why, honey - B.J. Damn it, you whore! Don't honey me! You're turning against me, just like all the rest! When the money runs out, the fun runs out, you leave! Just like I'd do! You don't love me! You love your stuffed animal dog more than me! (Kicks the stuffed dog out of the room. MAMMY's shocked. Pause) The only reason you're going with me tonight - for the first time - is because you couldn't get a date! 'Cause I fired Jock! Today! MAMMY. (Surprised and hurt) - You.. fired.. Jock.. - My recording engineer..? B.J. That's right, your Jock's gone! Don't believe me! I found this -! (Brings out a sock from his pocket) The sock he stuffed down there to make it bigger! A hell of a time to get it out! MAMMY. Must've taken you hours. B.J. (Over MAMMY) Took me hours! (They look at one another. Silence; pause) You don't know what it's like. The pressure. The money's running out. I've got this huge boil. I can't spell "Christian" anymore. - The beginning of the end.. MAMMY. (Pause. Then continues "putting on her face") - We'll still have each other.. (This is too much for B.J., who runs out of the room screaming. Lights out. Through the darkness, we hear, then see TRIPGOOD speak) TRIPGOOD. (A voice fades in) ..don't want it at all. I just want some responsibility. Is that too much to ask? And now I'd like you all to join me in a word of prayer.. (Lights up on TRIPGOOD. He's an elderly preacher speaking from behind a podium) Dear Lord... VOICE. (Off) That's two words! TRIPGOOD. (Takes out a gun and shoots the VOICE, who falls dead) I'd like to tell you about the sinners of the world. I said, I'd like to tell you about the sinners of the world!! They say they come in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord. But I've asked Him. He's never heard of these people. Are we to tolerate the unGodly any longer, dear God? They crash our parties. They try to sell us insurance. They sell us lifetime memberships. They pray on the innocent instead of the alter. They swap wives. They have unnatural acts, and have never asked me once. They do the work of the devil and take all the credit. They are generally bad, bad guys, oh Lord. I think you know who I am talking about, good people. I mean the grafters. Those who take advantage of faith time and time again. From those who we'd rather take advantage of. In the name of God. - A certain organization. In East Carolina. Yes, I will call it by the devil's name: the BLT Club. Hungry for more and more. They think they if they put "in the name of God" in the sentence, they can do anything they want. I'm here to say that that's true. But it is people like the management of the BLT Club who are seeking to abuse that privilege. And the stories I've heard! Really juicy and entertaining, but the work of Satan! - Come off your high horse, members of management, and grab our hands and repent. God will forgive. God will forgive but I won't. My name is Tripgood. And let us pray.. Let us join hands and pray. Pray that someday soon those sinners will soon join hands, in handcuffs. (Lights fade here as they come up on the IRS hearing. Two men, HARVEY and STEWART, sit behind a table. B.J. and MAMMY sit in chairs facing the table. A LAWYER sits beside the couple. Papers all over the table) B.J. ..and if I did, do you think I'd tell you about it. - And that's what I told the man. HARVEY. And what did he say? B.J. He gave me the vibrator. STEWART. You realize that presents such as that, not pertaining to religious practices and not used in the operations of business, are not to be claimed. LAWYER. Mr. Stewart, my client hasn't filed income taxes in the last three years. I fail to see what difference it makes. HARVEY. I - STEWART. Let me take it, Harvey. B.J. I was doing the Lord's work! HARVEY. I guess that does make it a natural act, eh, Stewart? STEWART. You have filed for tax exempt status, claiming to be a non-profit organization. LAWYER. That is correct. STEWART. Then why did your home cost more to build than Disneyland? B.J. Disney! Disney! All I get is Disney! Was he a better showman? LAWYER. Let me answer this, B.J. No. The house was built from private gifts to the corporation and not my client personally. HARVEY. (Looks at a paper) Then why did your wife except the vibrator personally? LAWYER. Forget about the vibrator! HARVEY. How can I when you keep waving it in our faces! LAWYER. That was only one of many private gifts received through the company. Any number of them are accounted for. Used. And contribute to the well-being of this ministry. STEWART. (Pause) Let's go on to something else. Last year, you spent a hundred thousand dollars on land in Nevada. MAMMY. I can explain that, I'd never been to Las Vegas before. And I didn't realize that it takes money to make money. And even more to lose it. HARVEY. But that was church money, wasn't it? LAWYER. I'm sure you gentlemen realize that non-profit organizations are only supposed to not show a profit within the budgeted fiscal year. Any amount for salary is reasonable, even if it is just to alleviate the remaining bank balance. STEWART. But surely the work of the Lord is better served spending the money on the people who need it. B.J. The people who need it?! My VCR's been on the blink for six months! HARVEY. - Did you try setting the timer? (Makes motion like the blinking clock of a VCR. HARVEY and STEWART laugh at him, but the defendants don't get the joke. Sighs:) Uh... Stewart, you take a crack. STEWART. For the last week, you people have been coming in here telling us a load of bull. B.J. You forget a lady is present, sir. STEWART. Oh, excuse me. Bull shit. And expect to hide behind your tax exempt status when every week you're crying and complaining that you're running out of money to do "the Lord's work" - we've got tapes and tapes of the shows, Bimmer. Your wife wears the most expensive jewelry your company's money can buy. (Picks up a paper) Who is Yes Dawn, Mr. Bimmer. B.J. A prostitute. HARVEY. A prostitute? B.J. (As if he hadn't made a mistake) My secretary, yes. (An uncomfortable pause) LAWYER. Member of a reform program. STEWART. And why did you write her a check for ten thousand dollars? B.J. I didn't. STEWART. I have a Photostat right here. B.J. Oh. Yes. Stamps. She had to go get stamps that day. HARVEY. Stamps? B.J. When you have followers all over the world, let's see your stamp bill. (HARVEY and STEWART look at each other as if they have a secret) MAMMY. If I might make a suggestion, Mr. Harvey. Mr. Stewart. My husband is a generous man. He often gives more of himself than he realizes. HARVEY. More than even you realize, I'm sure, Mrs. Bimmer. MAMMY. Call me Mammy. I don't know how he does it. Did I tell you that God loves you very much? He does. He really does. HARVEY. Well I'll keep that in mind when I'm sentencing your husband. MAMMY. Of course you realize that I had nothing to do with any of this. I'm completely innocent. B.J. Mammy! MAMMY. It's true, Jake. B.J. I know it's true, but why say it! MAMMY. I would've helped, you know it, but you always kept me away. Always away. STEWART. Ten thousand dollars a month on cat food. LAWYER. I'd just like to point out that the said couple don't even own a cat. B.J. I like the picture on the box. HARVEY. Two hundred a day on hair spray? STEWART. Why don't you do your congregation a favor, Mammy, and get a hair cut and save all that money. MAMMY. I wouldn't fit in! HARVEY. A hundred and fifty a day on condoms. LAWYER. (As if from personal experience) He never ends up using them.. STEWART. Can you explain why your feed the poor program went bust - HARVEY. - when you have a state of the art CD player in your twelve cars and a complete Bon Jovi CD collection? B.J. Bad management.. HARVEY. You're the general manager and president! B.J. (Pause) It wasn't God's will. MAMMY. That's true. That's true. We give the poor money and they just go right out and spend it on food. When they're wearing the most revolving clothes. And no jewelry or make-up of any kind. STEWART. God's will. Is that the final argument? B.J. The final argument, my friend, will be the judgment day. I will on the left hand of the Father Almighty - the right side's already taken by Junior - and you will come before the hand of judgment. And what do you think he will say? He will put up the largest "no vacancy" sign the world has ever seen. For screwing around with a man of God! (He starts to cry) STEWART. We've got too many tapes of that stuff. MAMMY. (Moved by B.J.'s breakdown) Ah, Jakey. If you'd only let me help you.. - but you've got to do it all yourself.. HARVEY. I think he's been helped more than you know, Mammy. (Holds up the check copy) Do you know how we got a hold of this check, B.J.? (B.J. shakes "no") STEWART. From the newspaper. (B.J. raises his head, through pretending) HARVEY. It bounced. STEWART. And hit you in the head. LAWYER. What are you driving at? HARVEY. Who is Yes Dawn, Mr. Bimmer? B.J. I told you, my secretary. She's working her way through college. STEWART. Yeah, man by man. HARVEY. Yes Dawn is twenty-eight years old, Mr. Bimmer. B.J. She told me she was fifteen! LAWYER. Giving a genius prodigy a helping hand, I think you should consider that in your final summary. STEWART. You should consider, B.J., that this is an advanced copy of a story in tomorrow's paper. Naming a lot of names. HARVEY. And a lot of figures. (A pause. B.J. is actually worried now; starts to cry. Tired of this:) Don't you have any other emotions we can see? MAMMY. Jake? What are they talking about? STEWART. I'm talking about.. (Reads from a paper) "..and if there wasn't any kind of jello in the room, he would become timid and shy as a lion cub. But usually on taking out the pink whip from the rose-colored, frilly drawer, he would find the erecting courage as he strapped me in the barber's chair, time and time again.." MAMMY. (Overlaps with part of the last line) What is this? What are they talking about? Jake? Say something? Oh turn it off! Answer me, you bastard! (B.J. holds his hands to heaven) Oh stop the crap! Answer me! What are they - HARVEY. She sold it, Jake. You're through. STEWART. The check bounced.. LAWYER. - Your ass is grass, my friend. If you could this week, handle a little of my fee, I may be able to help you get only fifty years. As it is, it's eternal strife. (MAMMY continues screaming at B.J., LAWYER keeps saying things: all over STEWART and HARVEY's next lines) HARVEY. (Holds up paper) This is a court order commanding one Jake Whoops! Bimmer to produce in this court one week from today all the financial records from day one of your said corporation. STEWART. With intent to prove one way or the other a charge of fraud of thousands of people and millions of dollars. HARVEY. If you fail to produce these, we shall have no course but to close your company for the duration of a grand jury hearing to determine.. STEWART. We don't trust you, Jake! HARVEY. Let's see if anyone will ever trust you again! (All the voices that have overlapped with the above now merge into something inaudible. B.J. gets up in honest shame for the first time in his life and moves away from the office. Lights dim here as TRIPGOOD's voice and lights come up from the same corner. He's doing another tv broadcast) TRIPGOOD. (Shakes a newspaper as he talks) ..but if they fail to put in Peanuts in favor of Garfield again, I will, as God is my witness, cancel my subscription. Let me hear you! (A resounding "Hallelujah" from the darkness) Let me hear you! (Again) Again! (Again) Don't let them tell you what to do! Let me hear you! (Again) I said don't let them tell you what to do! (Silence) All right! (Pause) There is a lot of evil in this paper. A lot of evil. Why, the ink just comes off right on your hand. Look at that shit! But so shitty - no, nothing more shitty, than the front page. Why, not only do they not have any cartoons at all on the front page - they would actually degrade it by putting the name of Satan's chief helper! Step down Jake Bimmer! Step down! Let their be help for the BLT Club! Without you, there is a chance to do good! I could do it myself - if I didn't have these damn ink stains on my hands. We should wash! Praise the Lord, we should all wash, and I will take his command! Don't be selfish. Don't think about yourself, Jake Bimmer. I want to extend my hand. To help you, like all God's children are entitled. If you would have the sense! If I could get this Goddamn newspaper ink off my - (But he's hit in the head and pushed off stage with a thud! by B.J. Lights change; we get the feeling he's talking to another audience. As he speaks, the podium's slowly moved to where it was at the beginning of the play, until the original setting has been established) B.J. (More and more emotional) My friends. Tonight. I want to talk about forgiveness.. I want to talk about forgiveness until you're sick to death of it. But it's something that should be said. In my case, it's something that must be said. - God is love! He's a lot of things, but He's love most of all! And He wants you to love one another! Love as many people as possible. And if they're underage and you could get arrested - love them anyway! For He understands! It may take bastards like me to tell you that, but that's the way it is! I know we suck! Not just me.. well, me especially, but people of all kinds. And we want so much, and to do the right thing. But not if it involves money or a nice piece o' ass - in my case that's true! But forget me! I wish I could.. (Pause) Listen, listen! I just thought of a great deal! You send me twenty dollars, each one of you, and I promise to send you in an air-tight container, one of my tears! Shed just for you! I feel like I'm being crucified... Help me, please. - I'm just an asshole who defrauded a lot of people, but.. - come to think of it, I should be shot! Shoot me! Go on! Right here! Shoot me! I don't deserve to live! To be forgiven...! (Long pause, for sympathy. During the above, and below, the extreme gestures cause all his jewelry to start flying off, hitting people on stage) .Yes, I have sinned! You must forgive me.. Everything I have done has been for you. Everything. You are the only thing that really counts. And God. I must continue to do the Lord's work. Your boss doesn't fire you after you make a mistake in the factory! I must be forgiven! You must forgive! To do the work of the Lord! It's the only thing I know! My only purpose in life! I have sinned! I have made it with a gorgeous sex-pot. - Forgive me! (Collapses on his knees, crying for real. MAMMY comes over and it looks like she's about to give support, but instead she kicks him in the balls) MAMMY. (To audience) Don't do it. (Lights out) END ACT 1 Intermission Note During the act break, the audience will vote if they should forgive B.J. or not. This may be done by a half-time preacher who counts hands and tallies the majority. He will also instruct them that when B.J. asks to be forgiven, tell him (whatever the majority votes)! This should be done right after the curtain comes down so that the cast will be given time to get ready for the "yes" or the "no" act, and so the audience will still have ten minutes left to go the bathroom and buy expensive Cokes. ACT 2 ("NO") (Lights up and we're right where we were before, as if there wasn't even an act break) B.J. (Still on his knees, crying) Please.. please... good people. If I can have your respect, I know I can conquer anything. Please! Forgive me, people! Will you forgive my indiscretion?! (At this point the audience responds "yes" or "no". They shout "no". He pauses. More real tears flow) Then I'm screwed... (The set breaks apart and we're now in the BIMMER house: bedroom. MAMMY enters, takes from her purse a pack of crayons and chooses the red. She uses it on her lips as lipstick. Then uses the peach for her cheeks, then violet for eye shadow, as B.J. enters. He's in a daze) MAMMY. Better start getting your butt in gear. B.J. It's gone. All gone. MAMMY. You've got to learn to improvise.. (A MOVER comes through with a chair he's taking out) MOVER. Don't mind me.. B.J. I'm bankrupt! Don't you understand? How can I - MAMMY. (Showing him her make-up) What do you think? B.J. I only hope the loan comes through.. (MOVER comes through again with the same chair) MOVER. I'm nobody. Don't look. (And he goes out) MAMMY. B.J. There's something I wanted to discuss with you. - You're probably going to jail, right? B.J. Mammy! How can you say that? MAMMY. I didn't get it wrong, did I? B.J. I'm going to get off! I did nothing wrong! Those people wanted to give me their money! That's something that's going to be proved. MAMMY. I'm only asking because.. well.. you don't have hidden assets, do you? Such as taking care of me? You know, the future? B.J. Mammy. MAMMY. Look, B.J. - (MOVER comes through again, with the chair) How many chairs we got? MOVER. I'm still lookin' for the door, ma'am. (She points the direction. He smiles, nods, and moves off) B.J. Why don't they just take it all? Aren't they moving the bed yet? (Two MOVERS come in and stand by the bed, waiting for B.J. to get off. B.J. tries to ignore them) MAMMY. I'm only trying to get the li'l ol' facts straight, honey. If my lover can support me or not.. B.J. (Not in front of strangers) Mammy, please.. (He gets off bed and MOVERS take it away) Don't you love me anymore? MAMMY. (Nods "yes") Even through all the affairs. But her. Oh, B.J., I didn't think you needed any other woman 'sides me.. B.J. (With love) I'd take you to jail with me, if I could. MAMMY. Well I enjoy making the records, if you know what I mean.. B.J. Please, Mammy. MAMMY. (Tries not to swayed) He knows how to play his instrument, if you know what I mean.. B.J. I didn't want to do it. She seduced me. MAMMY. Well he said hello to me, too. So what's the difference? B.J. (Turning the waterworks on for her) The difference is.. baby - I need you. Now. More than ever. Made a mistake. God will get me. My people shun me. I haven't been able to masturbate to GQ in months, they keep removing furniture from the bathroom every time. All I got is you. It's not much. But I've invested too much money in you now to let someone else.. pluck you.. now that you're ripe. You're my baby. My cuddlemuffins. My ho. (For some reason, this talk has thoroughly moved MAMMY. She falls crying into his arms) MAMMY. I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, B.J. - B.J.? I'm sorry. Did I say that yet? I'm sorry. So sorry. I was trying to get a little of my own back, as my ma used to say. You know what else my ma used to say? "Get the hell out of here! What are you staring at?" "Get the hell out of here!" she used to tell me. But I could never say that to you. My B.J. Not after I know how you feel. It's been torture! Listening to all the things about you! B.J. I know. I know. MAMMY. I know they were true. But to hear them all the time! I couldn't stand it. I even listened to Bee Gees music to stop the rumors from entering my head. I'm so sorry..! B.J. You should be. MAMMY. But everything will work out. B.J. No. But I'm going to give them a fight. They're not taking away Jake Bimmer's organization away without a good kick in the balls. I promise you that. With all the love in my heart. (MOVERS have started to dismantle the set by this time. To MOVERS) Couldn't you just leave the walls for another minute? MAMMY. Jake. They can't beat you. B.J. I could go for a really good beating right now. I've got to go Mammy. I'm late for the meeting. And I've got to stop by a gas station to pee first, now that they've taken the toilet. (She kisses him good-bye and he leaves. She wipes the tears from her eyes, and continues putting on crayon make-up as lights go down on the home and up on an interview. D.A. sits in one chair; INTERVIEWER in another. They're in the middle of a discussion) INTERVIEWER. ..about the Jake Bimmer scandal? D.A. Yes. Well, of course, I'd just like to say on that point that I wouldn't wipe my shoes with any one of Jake Bimmer's internal organs. INTERVIEWER. And what about the external ones? D.A. Well, of course, that's what we're hoping to have in a sling by Friday. INTERVIEWER. As district attorney for the case, do you see any chance for B.J. to escape prosecution? D.A. The man calling himself Jake Bimmer is a known crook and extortionist of faiths. A man with no morals but lots of money. So much money that he'll hire the best. And expect to get away with it. But he won't. He will not escape persecution as long as I am here and in control of what the people think. - He has declared bankruptcy. He'll be selling his bibles for food pretty soon. If I can tie him up long enough in court, that is. INTERVIEWER. Is there something personal in this -? D.A. Any man that defrauds so many already stupid southerners by saying that there is a God, for just nineteen ninety-five, deserves to pay up himself! INTERVIEWER. Thank you, district attorney, Mr. Smith, and I realize you've an important filibuster brewing in Washington right now, so I won't keep you.. (But this has started fading out. Set changes to board room. BILL, well-dressed and nervous, sits by himself, twiddling his thumbs. He looks at his watch, takes out a paper football and starts playing with it, making sounds; waiting) B.J. (Enters; surprised at the almost empty room) Where are the others? BILL. They're not here. B.J. Well of course they are! BILL. (This throws him; looks around for them) Are you sure? B.J. What's your name? BILL. Bill. Don't you remember? At the party? Before they dethroned you? Said I had a nice looking - B.J. But where did they go? BILL. (Doesn't know. Pause) I've been thinking about your predicament. B.J. I don't want to do any of that now. We've got to take action! BILL. That's what I'm talking about. Action! See. We plead insanity. And they won't touch you. Everybody will believe it. B.J. (In a world of his own) I don't believe it. BILL. (Sly) Ah, yes. But you see, you're insane. That's what we'll have to push. You understand? I've been giving it a lot of thought. I even have my AA degree. So.. B.J. Deserted.... they deserted me.. - gone away.. like a bad headache.. or gas... fading into the light, away from me. My ideals. Which used to cost so much.. - Gone.. BILL. I really think you should talk to your lawyer about that before.. tomorrow.. - Make sure you tell him that I did complete my AA.. B.J. And I go into it alone... BILL. - Should I take minutes, or should we just remember what we both said? (BILL and board room both fade out during the following) I had to bring my own table and chairs this morning, understand? Do I get refunded - B.J. When the money's gone, so are they. Like change in my pocket they dropped, and jingled. And I picked them up for luck... (During the speech, the courtroom in assembled) I really don't care. About any of them anymore. Why should I? I started with less than nothing before. I will again. God will show me the way. He's never given false directions. I trust in Him completely. And the ones that lack faith may just disappear. And let him who believes in the word of God remain. I would give my soul to the Lord. But a good lawyer will do wonders also.. (The court's assembled. JUDGE sits behind the bench. Two tables face him: B.J. and his LAWYER at one, D.A. at the other. The jury is a cardboard cutout of twelve people with slight scowls. Also, a witness stand. To LAWYER) I can't take much more of a fight. Everything is again against me.. JUDGE. (Raps gavel) Order in the court! VOICE. (Off) I'll have a - JUDGE. Bailiff, secure that man! (Sounds of a man being beaten, over:) This will become a closed court on the next outburst of any kind. I will not tolerate any kind of tomfoolery with such a serious nature. This guilty bastard is entitled to a fair and respectful hearing. LAWYER. Your honor! JUDGE. Overruled. Mr. District Attorney? D.A. Thank you, Hank. As my first witness, I'd like to call the Lord God, Almighty. (A stir in the court; recorded mumbles) LAWYER. I must protest, your honor. The Lord was meant to be called as a defense witness. JUDGE. This does seem a little extreme, Jeff. D.A. The defendant has been calling on this particular witness for years! Why not? Why should I not clarify a most important point for the state's case? JUDGE. Proceed. LAWYER. Your honor. Defense protests that an invisible spirit or holy ghost cannot be called upon to testify against His own agent. JUDGE. Overruled. LAWYER. He can't take the oath! What's He going to do, swear on Himself? JUDGE. Order, order! LAWYER. I can't see what the prosecution intends. D.A. It will become apparent. Lord? (Silence. Waits for some type of answer. Finally, a cough) Ah! LAWYER. Your honor, I object! What proof do we have that that was the work of the Lord? And that it wasn't just done by someone in this court? D.A. Precisely my point. Lord? Are you comfortable? Good. Lord. To your knowledge, have you ever spoken to the defendant before? On any occasion? Take your time. Answer to the best of your ability. That should be pretty good. Lord? (Waits for response. He gets it; smiles) No further questions, your witness. JUDGE. The court didn't fully comprehend the testimony given. LAWYER. Before a rule is given on admissibility, your honor. I would like a chance to cross-examine this witness, if you don't mind. (JUDGE nods "yes") Lord. Can I call you God? Just relax. And tell this court, if you did, in fact. Call upon your ministry of truth - D.A. Objection, your honor. Truth is irrelevant here. JUDGE. Sustained. Continue. LAWYER. This person, didn't you tell Jake Bimmer to spread the word - Your holy word - on more than one occasion in front of millions of witnesses? Please tell the court. (A pause. No sound) Will the court kindly instruct this witness to answer? JUDGE. The witness will answer. (Another pause. Finally, the sneaky D.A. coughs into a hidden hand) D.A. I object! The counsel is leading the witness! LAWYER. You coughed! D.A. I didn't! LAWYER. You did! D.A. I didn't! LAWYER. You fucking well did! JUDGE. Gentlemen! Gentlemen! As the Witness is my witness, I want some law and order in this courtroom! LAWYER. But your honor -! JUDGE. Just what are you mouthpieces trying to prove with all of this? D.A. Your honor - it is the state's desire to prove that - who's to say if God talks to a person? He can claim anything, use the "God told me to" to get out of anything, or to explain motives. LAWYER. But who's to say if He didn't talk to him? JUDGE. Noted. Are you finished with this witness? LAWYER. Yes, your honor. JUDGE. The Witness is excused. (A rumble of thunder) D.A. For my next witness, your honor, I call, Stan Under for the persecution. B.J. Not Stan! JUDGE. (Raps gavel) Order! That'll add another year. Mr. Under, please take the stand. (STAN enters. JUDGE holds up his right hand) Place your hand there. Are you going to tell the truth? STAN. I - JUDGE. Fine. Take the stand, Mr. Under. D.A. Mr. Under. You were once employed by the defendant in an organization called the BLT Club in Berlin, East Carolina? STAN. Yes. D.A. Were the rewards considerable, would you say? STAN. All the born-again women we could eat. D.A. I was referring to the monetary rewards. STAN. Yes. I did make more than the President of the United States does now. But B.J. made more than an NFL quarterback. D.A. Would you consider this excessive? STAN. Now I would, yes. LAWYER. I object. JUDGE. Oh, shut up! It's not like he's not guilty. Continue. D.A. Thank you, your honor. Now, Mr. Under. Would you please tell this court a little about the day to day operations of Mr. Bimmer's business. Noting especially the financial arrangements.. (B.J. walks away from the court, off in a dream world. When he speaks, no one can hear him. He's almost to the breaking point again) B.J. Even Stan. I can't believe it. I can't believe any of this. And even if I did, I wouldn't want to. They bring shame and mockery upon the name of God, and they don't even do it with respect. I am angry! I am beaten. - Why don't they just leave me alone? Did I do so bad? Giving a few simple people something great to believe in. Did it cost so much? Didn't they all get what they deserved? Why torture me! I suffer.. I am lost.. - God you must protect me. I was only doing your work. I was only doing what I thought was right! I was pissed - and I'm sorry! Okay? (He wanders back to the court, loosing his tie. It's a couple days later. JUDGE returns to his bench) JUDGE. Mr. Jake Bimmer. Please stand. (LAWYER motions for B.J. to rise. He does) You have heard the evidence given against you. For these past two weeks of a closed court case. You have seen me miss two new episodes of Baywatch, and who knows how many People's Court shows. Pretty strong stuff. Before pronouncing sentence on a verdict of guilty, do you have a statement? Keeping in mind that Divorce Court starts in a half hour. B.J. Yes sir. - May God forgive you for what you are about to do. JUDGE. That's fair. Fifty years. Lock 'im up. (Raps gavel and exits quickly. A COP comes for B.J. as the stage empties of all people and sets. A cell. By lights, there's the outline of prison bars. B.J. puts on a prison uniform as LAWYER stands in a dark corner and speaks to him) LAWYER. Don't worry, B.J. We'll appeal. At every chance. I realize the first chance's not for two years, but think of all the souls you can save here. All the friends you'll make. Anything you want me to tell the wife? Anything at all? - But don't worry. At least you didn't get one of those cushy cells. You know, with wine and air conditioning, and free walks in the garden and all. Just think of how you can give your life to God, stripped of all earthly possessions. Penitence you'll make up quickly here. (By this time, three cots and three other MEN of the prison have entered. They look over B.J.) FRED. Hey, Ginger. Looks like new pussy! DICK. (Comes up close to B.J.; threateningly) 'ey, man. I do believe you're in the wrong cell. I do believe you don't know what you doin'. GINGER. (Who has a tattoo on his face) Don't he look sweet. Oh we'll take good care of our boy. DICK. Yo, man. I'm Dick. 'Cause I'm big, and hard as a rock. FRED. Yeah, yeah, you don't wanna mess with Dick! DICK. You do and - (Smacks fist in his hand) instant parole. (They laugh at B.J.) B.J. God, oh ye be kind to the poor sinners! GINGER. We got us a born again in here, fellas. He talks to the sky. DICK. Ah, man. Not another one. Don't anybody want your kind on the outside. Jesus, you be killin' and fightin' and knockin' on people's doors callin' out God and don't nobody want you. B.J. How dare you take the name of the Lord in vain! (DICK just looks at GINGER and FRED. Pause, then kicks B.J. in the balls) GINGER. Oh shame on us, we haven't even made the intros. I'm Ginger. This is Fred. And the big one over there is Dick. You've met his foot. DICK. You meet more than that if you keep comin' with that heaven talk. Watch it! FRED. What you in for, man? You gonna be our sweetheart. B.J. Twenty-three counts of fraud, mismanagement and misconduct. (They're impressed and back away from B.J. a little) FRED. Whoa, man. It's cool. I only killed a bank clerk. GINGER. Hmm.. in with the big timers, now, boys. Better shape up. B.J. (Praying) This is your soldier, oh Lord! For the fight of salvation, your holy salvation! Get me outta here! FRED. Whoa, I'm about to think the man don't want us at all. True? Or false? Man, don't be no idiot. You got it made. Got it made. Where else you gonna get all the benefits of livin' without havin' to do shit. We the bad boys, so they don't expect nuthin'. Meanwhile, we gotta library, recreation, free food. Playboy Channel twice a month in the game room. We livin' it up on the taxpayer's green. And all you gotta do to take advantage - is switch currents. Know what I'm sayin'? B.J. (Bursts out into prayer) Oh Lord, I am a sinner! I haven't been good! But I haven't been this bad! Come and get me, O Lord! You don't - (Pause) Just switch currents..? (DICK nods, smiling) ...I should've been away a long time ago. DICK. Now lemme 'plain couple things to ya. Now I here am the leader of this cell block. You don't do nuthin' without whippin' it out to me first.. (Lights have started to dim as DICK started talking. Scene changes to Florida. It's outside a modest home where MAMMY is speaking about Tupperware to the audience) MAMMY. ..fresh all the time. Not only on vacations but it's nuclear weapons tested. So no matter what. It'll last for all time. Now I know many of you are saying "Well what do I care if my food stays fresh or not when my husband's leaving me?" All I can say to this is, I know how you feel. Men can be such bastards! But ladies.. (Laughs to herself) they also keep those testicles nice and fresh if you want to just snip them off one day! (Laughs to herself. GARY comes on, concerned. He looks middle-class and actually cares about MAMMY) GARY. Mammy! Psst..! (MAMMY comes over to the side by GARY and they talk in an area unseen to "audience" but we see them) MAMMY. Gary! I think it's going well. GARY. I don't really think you're over it all yet, Mammy. I think we should just cancel today. Let me - MAMMY. Gary! Are you kidding? I haven't done my song yet. And the silent prayer! GARY. You've had enough. I don't want you to strain yourself too much. MAMMY. Two weeks is nothing! GARY. But you're still so.. loose. MAMMY. B.J.'s work must be done. GARY. (Melodrama, but not overdone) Ah, do you think that I don't really care? Do you know how often I've wanted to hold you in my arms? A... lot. Yes, a bunch! Every since you came here to Orlando. Orlando? Isn't that where we are? Orlando! Where Jesus has risen again and again! Where lovers may find peace in spreading the gospel. MAMMY. You spread it pretty good, Gary. But I don't know if I'm.. I'm still married, you know. GARY. I know.. MAMMY. Oh, let's get back before we lose the sale. Come on, Gary. (GARY goes off. MAMMY talks again to audience) People. You've heard a lot about what God can do. My husband was sentenced by the Devil because he knew what God could do. Satan struck out against the power of God and gave him fifty years. Is that Christian? Is it? Is it Christian to condemn a sinner just because he sins? Is it cricket to do it to a painter just because he paints? It's just like sinning. You just slap a "er" on it and you've done it! Except maybe that sinner requires two "n"'s but I think that's beside the point. What is the point, you ask? I ask myself the same thing every day. God doesn't answer me. I keep getting his machine. I can't get through. But you can! You people are friends with him. Satan has touched our lives and we'll never get that smell off us, whatever the hell makes that smell. But you! You can strike out against Satan! And the first step! The first step, friends, is to buy this Wuppertare! Wuppertare lasts forever. It will never melt, no matter what you do to it, and believe me, I've done some pretty strange and mean things to it. It last forever. And at so reasonable a price! (But she's faded during the last of this speech and the set here fades and comes up on a table where TRIPGOOD speaks to FRED, his lawyer) TRIPGOOD. And I keep telling you, the only worthwhile thing having is the BLT ministry. FRED. You can't even call it a ministry. Bimmer was never ordained. His followers heard nothing but sales pitch and hardly ever the gospel of Christ. TRIPGOOD. Exactly! Now that's a ministry! Now he's gone bankrupt. In jail. The committee handling the estate - the tv stations, radio stations, sets, recording studios, those bitchin' cars - and they're gonna have to get rid of the assets if they expect to pay back any of the owed money. Am I right? FRED. The Lord guide you. TRIPGOOD. He won't have to, if I can just get ahold of that corporation. It will strengthen the word of God so much, I'll be a millionaire a million times over! You're the lawyer. Do we have a chance? FRED. Bimmer's away for fifty years, right? TRIPGOOD. Providing he doesn't get parole in two. But then, by that time, he'll have too many boyfriends in there to even want to leave. But I've something else.. (Pulls out a paper from his coat pocket) A proxy. Of sorts. I put on my most sincere face. You know. The one I use mainly for the tours? I got it. It is mine. (Hands paper to FRED) Fred.. FRED. (Reading) Good Lord.. TRIPGOOD. Bet your ass! Fred...? FRED. God. You're better than I thought! Complete control. Complete control! Until his return.. TRIPGOOD. And it seems poor Mr. Bimmer's lawyer has taken an extended vacation. For about five years. I'm afraid - you'll have to handle the parole hearing. FRED. (Smiles) Oh no.. - Complete control. And decision making powers. Everything. He's signed everything. Away. TRIPGOOD. You know. I had thought of that, myself. FRED. With your personal assets. The figures of your own network. Not to mention your corporate functions as reserve.. in.. overseeing.. any other possible.. monetary fluctuations.. - I think we've got him.. TRIPGOOD. By the balls..! FRED. If he still has any.. (They laugh themselves silly. As set changes back to jail. It's morning. And as the sun rises, we see B.J. with his back to us. It looks like he might be praying and crying. This goes on for a moment, but then he hears a sound and quickly stands. He's actually been masturbating and now he stuffs everything back in his pants; tucks shirt in. GINGER enters) GINGER. I've told you before. I can help you with that. B.J. I was just.. celebrating. My first year.. see.. GINGER. I didn't see you out in the yard. The fellas are becomin' a bit restless since you're not - playin' the game like - you know, not as social as some. B.J. People bend to my will, not I to theirs. GINGER. Don't let Dick hear you. He'll make you bend at any time. You know how he got his name... B.J. I know, I know.. GINGER. Talk about a Coke bottle - whooof! B.J. I can't take much more. This jail. It's like a prison. No communication with God. Women. I know exactly what's needed. And have known for some time.. DICK. (Voice off) Yo, yo, yo, I smell my favorite secret sauce. Somebody get me couple pieces o' bread. I'm gonna have me a sandwich.. GINGER. It's Dick! And he's really throbbin'! You watch yourself. Or you're not gonna have no piece o' ass left today. (DICK and SOUP, a balding big guy with no sense of humor, enter) DICK. 'ey, Soup. You smell somethin' on the burner? Smells like white meat. SOUP. B.J. is called to a higher power than our own, Dick. And he's gonna fall from the height. B.J. Dick. We've got to talk. The only true way we can repent for our sins and except the body of Christ. DICK. I'm not even gonna mess wi' that one. B.J. We need the hope of a Christian eternal life. DICK. Soup here is Jewish, man. SOUP. What should I do? Betray my faith, man? I'd rather kill my mother than betray the faith. 'Sides. What if I wanna become a stand-up comedian? B.J. We can't let the same thing that happened to Fred happen to every one of us. GINGER. Fred was a whimp. Stupid people shouldn't be allowed to live. SOUP. That's what I'm gonna work on when I get out. B.J. But life is so fragile. GINGER. Soft and sqooshy.. B.J. A million ways to die in here. DICK. That's funny, I never counted. (He laughs and slaps SOUP's hand; SOUP joins in even though he doesn't get the joke) B.J. And all Fred had to do was say to the warden what a nice young lady his daughter was, with a wicked smile, and he's found dead the next day in his cell. GINGER. Yeah, man, I thought he was jerkin' off, but he never spent three hours on it. He was dead. B.J. And afterlife, here we come! DICK. (Starts to undo his pants) Now you're talkin'! Get 'em down! B.J. (Jumps up on one of the cots to speak) No, no. I'm talking about spiritual leadership! So we can all go to heaven! We may have been shunned in this life, but we can overcome. We can rise again. DICK. Stop, you're gettin' me hard, man. B.J. Stop sinning with your mouth! Stop sinning with your mind. SOUP. What we gonna sin with? B.J. You don't have to with anything! Just trust in the word of the Lord. Miracles happen! It's true. I've seen it every day! How do you think A Chorus Line got produced? How do you think George Bush became President? (Nods and murmurs of agreement from this one) GINGER. The man got a point. B.J. Miracles are all around us, my friends. SOUP. It's a miracle this guy wasn't locked up sooner. B.J. I want to introduce the Lord Jesus Christ into your lives. He is the son of God. He is a forgiving God. GINGER. He doesn't have any pull with the parole board, does he? (Lights out here and up on the Orlando modest home set. Tupperware's cleared away. MAMMY sits alone, just like B.J. at the beginning of the last scene. Squeaky sounds are heard but when GARY, dressed in bathrobe, enters, we see that MAMMY's not masturbating but crying. She's wearing a bathrobe also) GARY. Mammy..? MAMMY. Gary. I'm.. crying. - I just realized.... - I haven't had a hit in two years. Over two years. I need to sing again. GARY. There's some sheet music in the piano bench. MAMMY. I mean for a record. I need another recording contract. GARY. (Romantic) I liked it when you gave me a special performance last night. MAMMY. (Sly) You mean encore.. GARY. I've been thinking. I've got pull. MAMMY. Oh, I'm sorry.. GARY. No, I mean I know people. Lots of people. Since I'm rich and can afford to waste millions on false religions.. MAMMY. What do you do? GARY. I read the paper and write jokes for The Tonight Shoe. MAMMY. Shoe? GARY. It pays a lot of money. MAMMY. Not enough to keep me happy. GARY. What do you mean? MAMMY. I've known for a while now, that I want to do something.. special with my life. And me alone. GARY. You could write jokes with me. MAMMY. I'd have to know how to laugh again! GARY. See? Say something like that to the audience and they're bound to laugh. MAMMY. Oh, Gary.. it's been fun. But now I want my money.. GARY. What? I have to pay for it? I've never had to pay! MAMMY. (With hand out) Then here's a new experience for you. GARY. What do you want? MAMMY. I'm going to start my own religion and record company. I can see it! The first Christian song to hit Number One on the pop charts! (GARY laughs) It just so happens I have very good hooks. GARY. You can't be serious! MAMMY. My hand's getting cold. GARY. After all we've done. All I've helped you with. You'd be nowhere without my money. Orlando has been kind to you. I've been fuckin' great! MAMMY. The Lord's work must be done. There are uncut records out there. If Garth Brooks could do it, Mammy can. Mammy will! My money. There are those who haven't yet been touched by the Holy Spirit. And it's up to me to touch every last one of them! GARY. What will you do? You can't just leave me..! MAMMY. Orlando is the center of religion. I know it's got something to do with old people and Disney World, but I will rise again. No more drugs! Tired of being pushed around. Now, I'm going to push some people around. Kick some balls in the name of Jesus Christ! GARY. I can't believe you.. MAMMY. Believe in the Lord! I'm waiting for it.. GARY. Did your husband have to pay? MAMMY. (Really doesn't know) Who..? (Scene changes to the interior of the parole board screening room. RUTH, LISA and ROBERT sit at a table across from a single chair) LISA. Now I believe this next one is a first-timer. His lawyer's waiting to talk with us outside. ROBERT. Is this standard procedure though.. LISA. I think it'd be a good idea. He has some pertinent information for the case at hand. Let's have a listen.. (RUTH rises from the table, takes a few steps and promptly falls down. LISA rises, concerned) ROBERT. (Grabs LISA's arm) She's got to learn to do these things for herself. (RUTH falls down and bumps into everything possible until finally reaching the door: but it's taken forever. She manages to open the door and FRED enters) FRED. Hello. Name's Fred. Like the Flintstones. God, how I used to watch that all the time. You know the one thing I could never understand about that show - why weren't they all crippled in Bedrock - stopping all those cars with just their feet all the time? Amazing, wasn't it? LISA. If you need some sort of psychiatric evaluation, it's still a couple of doors down. FRED. No. I'm here to discuss my client. Some important stuff, I'm afraid. RUTH. Why wasn't this mentioned to the authorities concerned? FRED. To tell the truth, I just thought of it. That is, remembered it. You know how it is with having such a caseload. (This makes the committee trust him) LISA. What is this new information? ROBERT. I have to warn you, that anything you say at the moment may alter the shape of this hearing. FRED. That's a real shame. You know? I was just telling myself that. Should I, or shouldn't I? I lost. RUTH. What is it? FRED. Well. You all know of course that Mr. Bimmer was found guilty of seduction. Using private corporate monies to pay off blackmail on other assorted charges. Not just this Yes Dawn. The allegations of not only sexual misconduct but wife-swapping, homosexual activities and using jello in already outlawed practices. An IRS swindle and ripping off old people of their life savings. But he also didn't return three books to the library. LISA. What? ROBERT. Do you know what this means? FRED. I'm afraid so.. RUTH. Why wasn't this.. subject brought before a grand jury two years ago? FRED. I don't know. RUTH. There are strict penalties for the non-return of library materials. FRED. I understand. The only thing I can figure out is that it was hushed as to not outweigh a lot of the lesser crimes. RUTH. This is quiet serious. FRED. I understand. LISA. And how overdue are these books? FRED. Well - at the time of the trial it was about two years. Of course, by now, it's gone over four years. ROBERT. This is intolerable! Ruth was attacked by one of those recently! Who didn't return - FRED. I agree. As part of my civic duty, I thought it wise to tell you. I of course want Jake to have every available chance to re-enter society but.. ROBERT. Really, can someone with such a disregard for public property be expected to enter public and not harm it? RUTH. To what did these books pertain? FRED. I believe they dealt with real estate. You see, this was back when Mr. Bimmer was thinking of major expansion in wooded areas in East Carolina. Also in Arizona, I believe. LISA. Well we really do appreciate you bringing this to our attention, Mr... FRED. Allen. Just call me Fred. LISA. Fred. We will note the new information. ROBERT. Call in the prisoner. (RUTH goes to open the door, doing the same falls, etc. as last time; as FRED says:) FRED. - I'll just duck out this other door... (Exits by an unseen door. ROBERT and LISA sit back in a condemning position. Lights dim, then come up again. It's a few minutes later and B.J.'s giving his pitch) B.J. ..I know the bad things I've done. Like the Swamp Thing, I know the evil that men do. But I made a mistake. All right, I made a lot of mistakes. All right, I made enough mistakes for a troop of basketball players. But I just want you to know - that I don't play basketball. The only sport I play is my ministry. And I usually win at that. Sometimes I lose. I know the charges against me. And all I can say is that if I could do it all again, I wouldn't get caught. I will keep saying that. Because it is something I believe in. I have tried to reform. I have tried bringing something sane and decent into the lives of the men here. It wasn't easy. Not easy at all. Especially on those two days a week the Playboy Channel's on. But Jesus has some followers here, thanks to me. A little hope in a place like this isn't something so bad, is it? It expands visiting hours to the hope of the Lord. And I'm not even getting paid for any of it. Self-sacrifice. It's something I've learned in here. (Pause) I want to see my wife. Her jewels. Our children. - I don't remember if we have children or not... - but I have learned the wrongs. - And now I want to go home. A better man. Fulfilled. Closer to God. Sorry. Regretful. And hopeful... RUTH. Never mind that. What about these library books? (Everyone pauses during a slow fade out) SOUP. (His voice through the darkness) Now's your time.. - they're all set up for you. All you have to do is take charge. That so hard? Take 'em all for yourself. Charge. The new leader is the one who gives them what they want. They want what you've promised.. - can you hear me? They want to hear you... now is your time. Don't let them down... (Lights up. We see that SOUP's been speaking right in B.J.'s ear. They're alone in the cell) B.J. Would you shut up with that? You're talking right in my ear! SOUP. Sorry, man.. (GUARD comes by) B.J. Any... GUARD. Just a letter. B.J. It's visiting day. Isn't there any one here for me? (GUARD shakes his head "no") Little girl with a Bozo face..? (GUARD just goes away) .. She hasn't been around for - years now.. (Opens the letter) SOUP. Is it the parole board hearing notice? B.J. (Before reading, looks up, sad) ... I didn't pass... SOUP. 'Nother two years, son.. - So now's the time. You know? B.J. Maybe it's from - (Reads. Pause) She didn't even write.. SOUP. What is it? (B.J. hands him the letter, then starts crying, like he's never cried before. SOUP reads) Man.. - that's a big library fine... Hey, hey.. man, don't cry. Like that. The way to do it is go to the kitchen and pretend you're cutting onions. You get away with it then. - Come on. Remember what you're always telling all of us about not givin' up? I never listened myself, but you look like a sorry asshole if you don't do the same. Come on! As I'm sayin' - now's the time! Make that move! You've really won over most of 'em in the block! They need a little somethin' more. Like a leader. Yeah, that's it! A leader! They so full of religion, they gonna throw up if you don't give 'em something to control it. We got hope in the cell now. You can't give up on 'em now! (By this point violin music starts creeping up) I know you can do it. 'Cause you're the most touched ass I ever seen. You're crazy. But then that's cause you got religion. You know why they call me Soup? It's 'cause I'm always hot and good for ya! You gotta be that way, man! How any of them gonna believe any of what you say if you keep crying like a woman - and not even a good women - and give up jus' 'cause yo' wife and money and faith left you? Man, you're a pussy. (Sounds of men coming in) Here they come, man. B.J. (Snapping out of it) - You think...? - I have built all I have from my own. My wife never did love me. To her I was nothing more than hot-bed excitement! I'll show her.. she won't come to me. I'll build up my following again. Wherever I am exiled. I can do just what I've done before. Lie, cheat. Steal. Preach. Promise. Where better to start again than the haven for lying, cheating, etc.! - I can! You're right! Maybe I don't care about any of that stuff! But myself! And my Lord! My Lord...! (SOUP applauds. DICK and GINGER enter) Gentlemen! Glad you're here. DICK. Uh-oh, Ginger. I smell the nasty odor of the bible comin' up. GINGER. (Laughs) Oh.. Dick... at least he's more co...operative now. DICK. Preacher-man knows he's gonna have to be if he's here for some time.. - Yeah, that's right. I hear things.. B.J. I am going to lead this cell block from now on! I will be in command of lives! Spirits! The word of God will be on every man's lips! GINGER. I like what's on their lips now. DICK. I see... B.J. Listen Dick! Ginger! Soup's right! We need a little positive direction in our lives. For the past year I've been preaching! Many have listened! Some have lacked faith. Those not directly connected with death row have been a little harder to convince. But the word of God is living! These petty disputes between cells are only attempts at a macho system of government that really has no future outside of this building! I'm talking about something important! Everlasting! The word of God is living..! (DICK takes out a self-made knife and stabs B.J. in the stomach - a long time, as if carving a sentence. B.J. slumps to the floor, dead. DICK turns to SOUP but SOUP's smiling to himself on a cot) SOUP. - Are you kiddin', man? I've been after this bunk fo' couple years! (Takes a nap. Lights out. A heavenly spotlight picks up the area where B.J.'s body is laying. It's a scene that looks like the Holy Ghost might come down; angel music. Instead, we just hear Holy laughter from above and the sky rumbles. Spotlight quickly goes out) THE END ACT 2 - "YES" (Lights up to the same scene as the end of Act 1; B.J.'s on his knees, pleading) B.J. I have sinned...! But then so have most Major League ball players, good people. And they don't make near as much as I do! Do you understand what I'm trying to say, good people? Believe in God. That He is understanding. Forgiving. And we were made in His image. That is the logical way of thinking that you too should forgive. Pastors are simple people, with expensive pleasures. And we make mistakes. And we are the first to admit that, when we're caught. The first to admit it. You. My people. The congregation, the people, the really, truly caring people I have washed away from sin. Have instructed throughout my career. Taking money from. Done all of that throughout my career. Shouldn't you be the first to forgive me? Me? I'm giving you this chance before the story is out because I believe in you. And to undermine the story with my own version. See? I can't help but be truthful to you from now on, at all times. You can do something to help me. You can forgive! Forgive me! Forgive! (Tears gushing) Do you hear me? All of you? This is my most important plea! How can I continue to do the work of the Lord, if I'm locked up somewhere? For a long time... - Forgive! You can help me...! - You're all I - have left... (Pause. Audience shouts out their answer - they forgive! B.J.'s overjoyed. He leaps up and hugs MAMMY, who releases his grip and moves off stage. A pause, to let B.J. go from worry to self-confidence. He motions to ushers in the audience who will pass along huge collection buckets among the audience, during the following) My friends! I feel strong! You have cleansed! And now - dear friends - I am going to clean you all out! (Lights out here and up on a backstage area. EARL, a good ol' boy and newest board member, enters to B.J., who's toweling off) EARL. Great, great. I can't believe you did it. B.J. That's the power of prayer, friend. EARL. They love you! B.J. They love God! - Who are you? EARL. I'm Earl. New board member. B.J. Another one? EARL. I've got some grand ideas, Mr. Bimmer. (B.J. holds up a finger) B.J. I'm workin' on makin' on our Great Harlotry the center of the eye. That's hick talk for makin' ev'ryone take notice of the park once they git here. Dollars in the Jake and Mammy Marriage Ride. That's the most popular. But I even think I have a better idea on how to make it more popular. B.J. Earl.. EARL. We take some of the horror out of it, and make it a ride that you cain take the kiddies on. Sells more tickets! B.J. Earl. Earl, boy. Slow it to fast, eh? - I'm going to tear Great Harlotry down. EARL. (Laughs) - What? You ain't serious? B.J. As serious as a southerner with a simile. - I've got 'em by the balls now. They're stupid enough to give me the another chance. I'm gonna use my state to propel me forward! EARL. But Great Harlotry is a great dream! What happened to the great Christian retreat? A haven greater and more expensive than Disney World? B.J. It's a mere economic problem. We can't possibly charge what Disney World is now charging. Prices that high just send the people away. EARL. But B.J. - (An EXTRA comes on with the two collection buckets. B.J. takes them; EXTRA leaves) B.J. Earl! - Play this scene with me, and it's the only scene you git. A whole new expansion. People expect bigger and greater from me! They expect.. - what is this shit..? (He's been rummaging through the collection bucket and his hands comes out with various baseball cards, coins, comic books, Star Wars figures, etc. He's very pleased) A lot of these aren't even valuable... well - it'll have to do. Earl. Be a good ol' boy and take these collection buckets out. To finance. Get them appraised. It'll have to be enough. To start with. Get going! (EARL hops to it, afraid of B.J. TRIPGOOD enters, trying to smile) TRIPGOOD. Well, B.J. It looks like the end to me. B.J. Who's end Tripgood? TRIPGOOD. Just because they forgive you after that performance doesn't mean they'll remember. Just remember Mondale. Jim Bakker. They're forgotten, but the scandals lives on. B.J. You just here to jerk me around? TRIPGOOD. I don't like your kind, B.J. How can your first name be Jake when your initials are B.J.? Things like that. I can't stand. B.J. God will surely punish you! TRIPGOOD. Don't give me that. B.J. What do you want? TRIPGOOD. I want to buy you out. You're organization - even with all its debts and faults - still might be worth something. After you're gone. You are worth nothing. They will turn against you. B.J. I am forgiven! Praise the Lord! TRIPGOOD. All empires crumble. It's what they do. Crumble. I mean, look at Ghostbusters 2. The first one built an empire, but the second destroyed it. B.J. That's true.. TRIPGOOD. Fifty thousand dollars. All rights and properties, and ownerships of your company. B.J. You've got to be kidding! TRIPGOOD. I'm here to help you, Jake. Your mission can do a lot of good. But you won't for it. I'm thinking of the word of God. B.J. Yeah, I'm thinkin' of a word myself. TRIPGOOD. And for the grace of God, I will see you dethroned. You are evil, and even if they do forgive you - I'll make sure that they never forget for a long time! (Stomps off) B.J. (Yells after him) Ifit wasn't for the Germans think of all the great war movies we'd have missed out on! (Scene changes from here to the board room. A few days later. Four MEN sit in the room, in intense thought. Suddenly PAUL rises and starts making strange motions. They're playing "charades" and the other MEN start shouting out song titles. They do this for a few minutes, when someone gets the answer - which doesn't fit any of the clues) JUAN. "Play That Funky Music White Boy"! PAUL. That's it! That's it! (General excitement. B.J. enters. They settle down as if waiting for a long time) B.J. Gentlemen... (Dramatic pause) ..I am sorry to have kept you waiting. I'm not really, but I feel when you have heard what I have discovered you will - This is the board room, right? PAUL. (They speak like Beatles) We're your new board members. That's Juan. I'm Paul. This is George, and Gringo. B.J. Have I ever met any of you? JUAN. (He and GRINGO speak like Spanish doing Liverpool) We were sent by the employment agency. GEORGE. Seems like there's a real rush to get people coming in and out of here. B.J. (Doing Liverpool accent also) I thought I was in the wrong room. (Normal voice) God has called me back. I must answer. GRINGO. We could tell 'im you're not available. PAUL. Shut up, Gringo. B.J. Gentlemen, I'd like to open with a word of prayer. JUAN. I'll see your word of prayer and raise a sentence of confusion. I don't know what to do here. B.J. The purpose of this board is to do what I say. This will be, it's never been before because I don't tolerate that sort of thing here - a dummy corporation. That is, I didn't really get away with it. You four will be required to show up once a week from now until the corporation expires to simply sign your names to the meeting minutes. I will make all of the decision making. This will save a lot of wear and tear on the door hinges. - I should've done this a long time ago.. GEORGE. Or until you get tired of us. PAUL. What? GEORGE. From now until it expires unless he gets tired of our faces. GRINGO. Yeah, or our stupid accents. B.J. (Smiles) You boys do catch on quick. You will of course be told of all decisions affecting the company. But only after the decisions have been made. This way, if you are questioned, it will seem like you know what's going on. JUAN. Be a first time for that. Eh, Paul? B.J. Days since they forgave me my sins and already they're hopping mad! Pickets, everywhere around the Observim! PAUL. I think the old man's power hungry. GEORGE. We will have some sort of security for our jobs? Eh? B.J. You just show up once a week. I don't need to be here. My secretary will lock you in here for a half hour. You sign the paper. JUAN. We clear a lot of money, eh? B.J. It will free me up a lot. I'll never have to see this set again. PAUL. Hey, can I have the set when you're through with it? B.J. I am the hero now! I have ideas. I'm not about to let my second chance go without making sure I don't make any mistakes. GEORGE. I'd hate to have to translate that line. B.J. And I have a brilliant idea! Let me - (A female SECRETARY comes in with an envelope) SECRETARY. I'm very sorry to interrupt, Mr. Bimmer. But this just arrived, and the messenger said it was extremely important. B.J. Thank you, Miss Take. You can get your things and go. You're fired. I told you to never interrupt unless I was with someone I wanted to get rid of. (He starts to read note. SECRETARY makes an obscene gesture and leaves) GRINGO. Oh, nicely done. B.J. I've got 'em! They want to meet! (Scene changes to Observim office. Large table and chairs can just be rearranged. JERRY, a reporter in suit and worn patience, is pacing the floor. MAMMY sits in a chair) JERRY. My name is Jerry. You can tell me. MAMMY. Your name is Jerry. JERRY. That's an old joke, Mammy. MAMMY. I'm an old woman. I've only been married once. I might've had kids... I don't remember. The only thing I really like to do is sing. Do you know more people have heard me sing in the shower than on record? JERRY. Are you saying you've been unfaithful to your husband? MAMMY. No. I'm not saying that. JERRY. What are you doing here, Mrs. Bimmer? What can I help you with? What can you help me with? Does God like me? I've always wanted to know right from the horse's ass. MAMMY. If you continue to go on insulting me like this, I'll cancel my subscription. JERRY. That sounds something like Groucho Marx would say. MAMMY. I just want to make sure your paper describes my position right. I didn't know my husband was carrying on. He never told me about any of his financial or sexual activities. JERRY. Such as..? MAMMY. If I don't know them, how am I going to tell you? JERRY. You mean to say you were completely ignorant? MAMMY. No. But I had no knowledge of anything he was doing. JERRY. You were completely ignorant all right. (MIKE enters, followed by B.J.) MIKE. Hey, Jerry. We got B.J. here. JERRY. (Quickly whispering to MAMMY) We're in a bad position. Suits. Pickets. They're against us now. Anything - anything at all - you remember, it'll be worth your while. (Aloud to B.J.) Ah, yes, Mr. Bimmer. (B.J.'s surprised to see MAMMY. She passes right by B.J., not wanting to talk to him; exits) B.J. I don't remember so much respect for my name before. JERRY. I keep trying to tell you, that we have to report them as the facts are. Your ex-employees used to call you Blow Job. B.J. What's the idea of getting my wife in here? JERRY. It was her idea, Mr. Bimmer. B.J. What are you talking about? JERRY. - She was complaining that the Fashion supplement wasn't in last Sunday's paper. B.J. Oh that's all right then. MIKE. Mr. Bimmer. B.J. I'm the one who called you. Mike. Mike Nesmith. Associate Editor. B.J. I wouldn't want to be associated with anything here! MIKE. I can understand your resentment. You're an asshole! But I understand your resentment. - Marvelous trick you played on us. Yes. Great. B.J. The people have chosen. JERRY. You know. I've always wondered. Why are models of cars changed every year? One or two years go by, there's a different look for the same car. Is it because the people want it, or do the manufacturers decide for us, and then do the public opinion polls? B.J. - Fuck off. Get to the point. MIKE. We're ready to deal. We want to print your story. The people have boycotted our papers not only thousands by private sales, but picketing places of business where our papers are sold! Our sales are plummeting. Advertising dollars are the lowest since we reported George Bush President. You've got to call them off. B.J. I? What can I do? MIKE. You know. You know very well. A public apology along with your personal story. Along with anything you want to say. B.J. (Smiles) ...There is something.. I wouldn't mind saying.. MIKE. Great, great. Then is it a deal..? B.J. (As he speaks, he's enveloped in the darkness and the set moves away) To get a jump on the competition. I like to keep abreast and athigh on the current trends in religion. Why, do you realize that Ben Hur won more Oscars than anything? Do you know why? There was nothing better that year. People will take what they can get. And I've got something for them. A miracle. God has sent me a vision. Yes, another one. But this one is the most vivid yet. It's in color! In stereo! With computer animation and everything! A new tour! And a new gimmick! For the money of God! (He shouts this last line, then disappears in the darkness as a banner reading "Glory '89 Tour - all major credit cards ignored - we want your cash!" SWEET appears in front of the curtain) SWEET. I'm Sweet. And I want to heal each and every one of you. Whether you're sick or altogether well, let me heal you! Yes! The spirit of God has entered me and through me, He plans to cure each and every one of you, no matter how much it overpopulates this great earth of ours! Do you hear me people? Shout! Do you hear me? My hearing's not what it used to be. Do you hear me? Shout! I've traveled all over for a lot of years and if there's one thing I've never been able to get it's a decent cup of coffee. But I've healed hundreds! I've cured thousands! And I've even beaten a lawsuit or two! Yes, all of you! I've beaten a lawsuit or two! So you see, I have the power of God! (Cheers!) I want anybody, anybody at all who's not feeling good to just come up and be healed. Come on up. (MAN comes up) And what is your name, sir? MAN. Charley. SWEET. And what is your affliction, Charley? Let the Sweet help you. MAN. I have a chronic case of ear wax, and the doctors don't expect me to live. SWEET. Do you hear that folks? They don't expect him to live! Isn't that ashame? Isn't it folks? (Said this as he pushed the MAN offstage) Anybody at all! Anybody! Somebody with a real problem! (WOMAN with baby enters) WOMAN. Oh, Sweet... (She cries) SWEET. Here, here, my good lady, nothing can be that bad in the eyes of the Lord. Was it wrong? WOMAN. It's my baby. SWEET. Oh my word. And what is wrong with the little bastard? WOMAN. Something terrible. He won't ever cry. I sleep peaceful nights and he just won't make a sound no matter what terrible things I do to him... (Cries more) I... just - can't take it - anymore.. SWEET. (Starts whacking the baby around until it starts crying. Great applause at this. Raises his hands to the Lord) Oh yes! Miracles do happen! Trust in the one and only Lord! He is healed! He will teach! Come on! Bring on the suckers! Come on, I know there are more of you out there, I can feel the pain. I feel it.. oh, come on - oh, I feel the pain! Hurry, before my head explodes! (A cross-eyed CATCHER comes on to catch the PEOPLE who now start populating the stage. SWEET starts healing the PEOPLE at an amazing rate. They keep coming from offstage SWEET heals by pushing on PEOPLE's head and knocking them down so that the CATCHER can catch them. But he's a slow southerner and only manages to catch a few. Those that he does catch, he quickly drops to run to the ones that are being now healed. During this, SWEET speaks) Oh, yes. B.J. wanted me to tell you that miracles really happen every day. And that God loves you, he really does. You must join us for the tour of Glory! (Spotlight on MAMMY, doing a "thank you" message) MAMMY. I understand the miracles of forgiveness. (Lights out on everything else now) I understand the pain that each person feels. I may not know much, but I understand a lot. And I just want to say - thank you. Thank you from all of us here. In the morning, in the evening, thank you. From the tops of glistening, higher than air mountaintops, thank you. Thank you in every language, at all times of day, be you white people.. or others. Thank you. My new album is for you. (Holds up a CD) Songs for the glory of Jesus! New songs by Andrew Floyd Webster. Stephen Soundhimmel. And me. Mammy. Praise God! (During the last of this, a camera, with the CAMERAMAN in the saddle rides out, filming) CAMERAMAN. ..And - cut..! MAMMY. (To herself) Thank God that's over.. (Takes a drink from a bottle of something. B.J. enters and she quickly hides the bottle) B.J. (Surprised at the CAMERAMAN) Oh! - Did we have a schedule to shoot something tonight, Dick? CAMERAMAN. My name's Elroy. MAMMY. That'll be all, Elroy. Just leave it. (CAMERAMAN exits. There's silence in the room. It's now become the BIMMER's bedroom. B.J. starts to undress from a hard day's night. Long pause) B.J. (Can't take the silence any more) As God as my witness -! MAMMY. (Vicious) You expect an entity that old to remember anything?! B.J. What can I do? We're on the rise again! More money's coming in than ever before. People love me. Love us! Someone's bound to notice sooner or later... MAMMY. Just give me that salary every week for the job of being your wife. B.J. How can you be so cruel? (MAMMY comes closer) Would you mind not kicking me in the balls tonight, honey? MAMMY. That'll make two I owe you tomorrow night. B.J. Yes, dear. MAMMY. I've got a recording tonight, Jake. Don't expect me back until three or so in the morning. It's one of those all-night Christian jam sessions. B.J. Another night alone? MAMMY. (Pause; sly) I'm sure you can think of something.. B.J. You're my wife! MAMMY. - They may've forgiven you, B.J. But I never will. And if my salary doesn't come in - I may just have to make up the extra working for the.. Observim.. (B.J.'s shocked. She starts singing) Oh... Jesus... tried to please us... but we.. all.. B.J. My life is nothing unless we're together.. MAMMY. Great. (SPIKE bounds in the room; a very happy fellow) SPIKE. What ho! Anyone for tennis shoes! MAMMY. (Finally happy) Spike! SPIKE. Who's the emotional-looking asshole? B.J. You, sir, are fired! MAMMY. He doesn't work for you. I own my own studios. I only had to sell one ring you gave me. SPIKE. I say! That done 'im! B.J. Then they're still mine! MAMMY. Oh, dear. Then I guess I'll just have to tell how you came to buy me those li'l darlin's.. (This stops B.J.) SPIKE. Oh, come on. The drug store will close in half an hour. B.J. Drug store? MAMMY. (Whispering, with a smile, into B.J.'s ear) We've got to get some condoms before the session. B.J. (Shocked) Condoms! SPIKE. Sound effects, mate! They make a very specific noise when you pop them! What ho! (He and MAMMY laugh their way out, leaving an angry B.J. He sits on the bed and starts to unzip his pants) B.J. She-dog... (Lights out here and up on a session of the "World Mission Tour '89". Banners, balloons, Christ party favors, etc. everywhere. SWEET is in the middle of all of this, happy and excited as ever. B.J. stand off in another part, but still smiling for audience, watching SWEET perform) SWEET. Oh my goodness! Let today be the day for celebration! You think we keep saying the same thing all the time?! Well, my friends. Each and every one of you are right! It is the Good News! Why shouldn't we? Besides, it's much easier to remember that way! And, my goodness, it is good news! B.J. What is the good news, brother Sweet? SWEET. Last night when I was watching a special rated version of 9 1/2 Weeks, and suddenly the power of God hit me! B.J. Praise the Lord! SWEET. It hit me! Right between the eyes! What could I do? I went to the bathroom to wipe off! I was sweating! But then another thing happened! And God appeared to me in a baseball cap and baggy trousers! And guess what he said? Guess! B.J. What did He do, brother? SWEET. I already told you, B.J.! Shut up, and give these other happy Christians a chance! Oh, indeed, it is a day for rejoicing! He put the power of faith and healing right in the palms of my hands! B.J. Amazing! Praise the Lord! SWEET. You bet! B.J. You were recharged! Do you hear that, my people? You were sitting right down there! God came to him in the bathroom and gave him the power once again! SWEET. I never lost the power, folks! But now, I have the power to heal even more! Just think of it as New and Improved! For the hands of God! B.J. Come one, come all! (MAN comes on, limping with crutches) SWEET. Oh my word! Could it be this man needs healing? And what is your problem, sir? MAN. - What do you think? SWEET. - Attitude? B.J. May the power of God work its full magic within this sorry soul. May the good grace wash away his sins. MAN. I don't want my sins washed. I just want my leg back. You should talk about washing sins! SWEET. (Sweetly) He's asking for the full treatment, B.J. B.J. Indeed he is, brother Sweet. SWEET. The Lord God bless you. MAN. I don't believe what any of you can do. And I want to go on national television to expose your corrupt practices to all! (During this SWEET has attempted to heal the MAN but all he's managed to do is trip the guy offstage, and clatters and screams are heard) SWEET. He is healed! (Great applause) Thank you! Thank you! But I hope you are applauding God! He is healed! Do you hear me, good people, he is healed! (Shouts offstage, then a thud! and complete silence - during:) B.J. It is amazing! A true act of God! SWEET. Anybody else! Quickly! I feel the need to heal! God is getting restless! I must heal right now! There is.. I can feel... someone out there.. who has a severe gum disease problem! You! You are healed! The power of God's healing within you! There.. is also - someone.. with - dealing with an emotional crisis at the moment. You are healed! B.J. (Moves over to a collection of phones, but only two VOLUNTEERS on all of them. VOLUNTEERS stand) If I could just interrupt you for a moment, brother Sweet, to talk about something even more important. The work of the Lord costs money. More money than we have. More money than we could possibly hope to get. But we're going to try! SWEET. Praise the Lord! (A crippled and bent over BILL comes on wanting to be healed. SWEET gives him a pause signal, as he watches B.J.'s money plea) B.J. It all comes from you. I want to dig. Yes, dig down really deep, that's where all the heavy bills go - and pull out something good. Just whip it out! It's not.. exactly.. tax deductible since we're not a recognized religious organization but what does personal gain matter when the Lord has all your money. BILL. I'm hurting.. Mister... SWEET. Yeah, would you just hold on a bit, little fella.. (To B.J.) Praise the Lord! B.J. - Right now I'd like to quote from the Bible, if I may. (Searches his pockets but finds nothing) ....But the word of God is in each of us, my friends! A book isn't needed when we have imagination to just make things out of nowhere. That's how religion got started in the first place! SWEET. Yes, God! B.J. We have a goal of two hundred and twelve million for this tour! And with you, I believe we can do it. We can achieve that goal tonight! And as it says somewhere in the good book. "To give all your money to God is a pretty neat thing. You will all go to heaven for that." And that is the purpose for doing all that we do - all the good things, isn't it? To go heaven? BILL. Please, sir.. SWEET. I'm not going to tell you again. B.J. The time is right! The time is now! I'm not going to let any of you out tonight with anything in your pockets! Do you how much it cost to heal? It says so in the Bible. I suggest you look it up. All good followers should know.. BILL. Look.. SWEET. All right, now! Why not let the man do his fucking job?! BILL. (Straightens himself; no longer a cripple) Then maybe I should do mine. (Takes a paper out of his jacket pocket and hands it to SWEET) I'd like to see you cure that. (Exits. B.J. and SWEET are shocked. B.J. moves to come look at the paper as the lights fade) JUDGE'S VOICE. (Through the darkness) This is an informal hearing. You don't have to wear anything expensive or gaudy. It is simply the court's intention of finding out certain facts that everyone already knows. Understood? (Lights up on court. JUDGE will sit behind the "bench" which SWEET and his ATTORNEY face sitting at a table) ATTORNEY. (Rises to answer the question but there's no one there) Oh - where'd he go? JUDGE. (Enters laughing) All right, all right. I'm sorry. I never can resist doing that. I can throw my voice. - Just like you, Mr. Water. Throwing the voice of God everywhere. ATTORNEY. I begin to wonder, sir, if you are entirely impartial. JUDGE. (Laughs) Let's get on with it. ATTORNEY. No, sir. I will have to demand that - JUDGE. I'm as good as you're going to get! You're lucky anyone's bothering to hear anything either one of you has to say! ATTORNEY. My client is a man of God! JUDGE. And I'm an officer of the court. But I get paid honestly. ATTORNEY. The IRS! JUDGE. Oh, don't bring politics into this. Let's hurry up and sentence the asshole so I can get home to Love Boat reruns. SWEET. I sense.. someone in here with.. a bad liver condition.. Oh no! I'm going to be sentenced by one who lives by the Devil's brew! JUDGE. That's it. I'm changing doctors. I thought all was supposed to be confidential. SWEET. But the Lord - JUDGE. Don't give me that. You can talk to the Lord like I can.. (Stops. Looks around. Hears voices) ..Yes... but - I.. oh, goodness...! - All - all right.. (Raps gavel) Guilty! ATTORNEY. Just what are you trying to - VOICE. ..Death... - give them death... (ATTORNEY and SWEET both look around. Pause, then JUDGE laughs) JUDGE. Jesus! Come on, guys! This is a hearing. Liven up! It's not like we're going to be here long. ATTORNEY. Your honor. JUDGE. The purpose of this hearing is to hear certain evidence against this man, Mr. Sweet Water, concerning a number of charges of misleading and abusive claims to the public in general, then to find him guilty as charged. Opening statement. ATTORNEY. Your honor. Not only does my client plead not guilty to the charges issued. He'd consider it an act of God if you'd just forget the whole thing. JUDGE. It'd have to be an act of God. ATTORNEY. In that case, your honor. I have no choice but to call a character witness. Mr. Jake Bimmer. JUDGE. Will the character please take the stand? (B.J. enters and looks around for the stand. There is none) Oh. (Motions to stage hands to bring in a chair for B.J. to sit on, but before he does, PAYSOME enters. It's the man that served the papers on SWEET) PAYSOME. (Doing a Perry Mason/Raymond Burr impression) Just a moment, your honor. JUDGE. Who are you? This is a closed hearing. PAYSOME. The name's Paysome. I'm an attorney. JUDGE. This is highly irregular, Mr. Paysome. PAYSOME. I agree your honor, and I will try to not take up too much of the court's time. But I represent the people, your honor. I come in behalf of them. JUDGE. You're pretty boring. PAYSOME. I realize that, your honor. I'm not a lawyer, but I play one on tv. And I think that gives me the right to speak. JUDGE. Very well. Overruled. ATTORNEY. I didn't say anything. JUDGE. (to PAYSOME) Continue, Mr. Paysome. But make it funny. I'm missing Brady Bunch for this. PAYSOME. (Nods to JUDGE. To ATTORNEY) You may interview your character witness. But I have the right to cross-examine. ATTORNEY. This is only a hearing. PAYSOME. My motives will become clear. JUDGE. Continue.. ATTORNEY. State your name and occupation. B.J. Jake Bimmer. Man of God. PAYSOME. I object, your honor. That is totally irrelevant, incompetent and immaterial. JUDGE. Sustained. That's more like it. ATTORNEY. Could you please tell the court your opinion of the accused Mr. Sweet? B.J. He seems nice enough. ATTORNEY. What would you say of Mr. Sweet's character? Not only when you employed him, but on all of your year long tour? B.J. I had no idea his credentials were false. (This shocks the court. A pause as the lights fade here and piano music starts. MAMMY starts singing a wedding-gibberish song. Lights up on her in black marching down an aisle with an OLD MAN that she keeps having to prop up because he keeps falling down the farther along they get. They finally reach the end of aisle and MAMMY stops singing. A PREACHER stands before her. She lets go of the OLD MAN and he falls away and out of the light. STANLEY, the groom, comes up holding the largest diamond ring you've ever seen; if you dropped it on your foot, it would hurt) PREACHER. Marriage is a noble institution. And not one to be entered into lightly. I know. And just ask my wife. It is a sacred trust, to be shared by two loving people with great tolerance. To join bank accounts. Irreguardless of your own individual preferences and likes and dislikes. To make it easier on taxes. To provide green cards. To make zany plots for countless plays and musicals. And to give divorce lawyers lots of work. I hope you both understand all that marriage can provide. VOICE. (From somewhere in the back) What about your husband, Mrs. Bimmer? Aren't you still married? (MAMMY turns quickly. She's upset, and faints. All others disappear. MAMMY wakes up on a bed; shakes her head. STANLEY enters) STANLEY. What's the matter, Mammy? MAMMY. ..Just another headache.. that's all.. (Goes to a nightstand and takes out a bottle) STANLEY. (Pauses; looks grim) - Let me see that bottle. MAMMY. What? It's only alcohol. STANLEY. Mammy... MAMMY. No. Really. Jack Robertson's - eighty proof. STANLEY. If you don't give me that by the time I say Jack Daniel... (She hands him the bottle. Sniffs it. Pulls his nose quickly away, disgusted) Eighty proof, huh...? (MAMMY knows she's caught) Why do you do it, Mammy? Don't you know I love you? I try to provide everything for you. MAMMY. I can quit anytime. STANLEY. You can go back on the pills - please, God, get the eighty proof, please. But no more of the Coke! Not the Coke! MAMMY. I can't help it! It helps me! STANLEY. That's what I'm here for. MAMMY. (Blunt) You don't keep me up all the time. STANLEY. Same here, sister! (She cries) Oh, God... I'm so sorry... I didn't mean it. It's just that - well - the pop isn't going to do you any good. It makes your nerves shot. It eats through your teeth. It's not good on your stomach lining! MAMMY. You keep saying the same thing! Don't you think I know all that? STANLEY. But still you drink! MAMMY. I can't help it! STANLEY. Is it Jake? - Do you still think about him? MAMMY. Who? STANLEY. Don't try to pretend. Look. (Takes out a hand full of six-pack plastic rings from his pocket) I found these behind the refrigerator! (MAMMY cries more) It won't work. I've seen too many reruns of your BLT Club. MAMMY. I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry... STANLEY. You're running up quite a bill at the convenience store on the corner. Somebody's been buying a lot of two-liter bottles. I've checked. MAMMY. (Throws herself into STANLEY's arms) I don't know if it's the caffeine! I don't know! STANLEY. Several of the sixteen ounce empties behind the house are non-caffeine. Face it. You have a real drinking problem. Tell me. I love you. Is it because of Jake? MAMMY. I've been trying to keep the religion going. Do you how hard it is to make them listen to you through a female voice? Standing up there, I kept thinking they were waiting for me to take it all off. STANLEY. Skip the monologue, just answer the question. MAMMY. I tried so many times to escape Jake's hold. Doing things I wanted to. Using your money to develop my own following, waiting for his return. Before that, I went with this Playman photographer who gave me the centerfold for a whole year. Before that, I grew rocks on a plateau in Northern Ireland with a crippled Englishman. I couldn't understand a word he said, but I thought I was happy. Just like I think I'm happy now. But.. I.. (On the verge of a breakdown. Reaches for the bottle) Please.. just one little sip - please... STANLEY. I'll get you a Scotch in a moment. You can stay away from the pop, I know you can. I care too much, Mammy.. (MAMMY strokes his cheeks then grabs the bottle and takes a huge gulp before he can pull it away) MAMMY. I started drinking before I left Jake.... If only he wasn't in trouble with this new trial. He was called in. I read it. Paysome. If only he wasn't - I might... STANLEY. (Stands) I know what it might mean but - (Pause; can't go on) MAMMY. What are you -? STANLEY. He's free. Mammy. He did it again. He escaped. Turned state's evidence. He's out. Sweet's condemned. At Jake's hand.... - it's on the news..... (MAMMY's so excited. She gets up and rushes around) MAMMY. Oh! Oh! I feel just like a character in a Chekhov play.. He's free! He's out! STANLEY. He was never in, Mammy.. MAMMY. I can't believe it! Good ol' Jake! They never could keep him away. He always beats it..! STANLEY. Just like you were never here.. (Goes away sad. MAMMY starts to dress, very excited. She takes out a suitcase from under the bed. A CAT on the bed meows. MAMMY goes and brings back some clothes. She kicks the cat off the bed, and kitty yells out. MAMMY starts to pack. Lights out here and through the darkness PAYSOME starts speaking) PAYSOME. ..in accordance with section ninety-eight point six of the National Endowment for the Arts code, it is said that any persons involved in the public hiring and transmitting of things in bad taste and hoky religious practices will have some part of their bodies cut off; any part not directly involved with the case at hand, left entirely to the choice and humor of the presiding judge. (Lights up on the court again. Same as before) Now I will ask you again - were you aware that this man, Mr. Sweet Water, was involved in making promises he couldn't keep? Answer the question yes or no. B.J. No. PAYSOME. Answer the question! B.J. No! PAYSOME. Your honor, would you please instruct the witness to answer the question. B.J. I've been telling you for the last three days - no! PAYSOME. No, you were not aware. B.J. No. PAYSOME. Then you were? B.J. No. PAYSOME. Were you aware or not? B.J. No. PAYSOME. No, you weren't? ATTORNEY. Your honor, I object. Counsel is deliberately confusing me. He has answered the questions. For three days now. Would learned counsel now care to tell what he is doing here? PAYSOME. I was hired by an individual agency. To show the relationship between the accused and Mr. Bimmer. B.J. Mr. Tripgood, perhaps? PAYSOME. (That's it) No comment. ATTORNEY. That ruling is past. Not only was Mr. Bimmer put on trial here, but my client, Mr. Water, hasn't had a line yet. JUDGE. Overruled. SWEET. Oh hell! ATTORNEY. Your honor, I say the witness can finally be excused from these proceedings. I'm sure he has a lot of work to do. He has already double-crossed us by saying he had no knowledge of any scam going on at all. SWEET. Damn you, Jake! I'll kill you! ATTORNEY. He is the founder of many helpful organizations including the Safe-House For West Side Story Sufferers, a few of which have already been called upon to give character references for the character witness. JUDGE. Point well taken. PAYSOME. Your honor! JUDGE. The witness is excused. Have you any more witnesses? (B.J. stands down. As he passes SWEET on the way out, SWEET lunges for him, wanting to kill him) SWEET. You set me up! All the money I made! How could - I'll kill you! I'll - ATTORNEY. Yes, your honor, lots more. JUDGE. The defendant is out of order and hereby cited for contempt and intense over-acting. Fifty years! (Raps gavel) ATTORNEY. Your honor! JUDGE. I'm sorry. I just needed a reason. He did it. Contempt! I believe the man did it! Next case! ATTORNEY. Your honor! I protest - JUDGE. He's guilty, he's guilty, don't do a joke to death.. (Lights have fading during these last two lines. It's outside, in the parking lot. B.J.'s walking to his car; gets keys out. JENO enters; acts like Jeno from West Side Story) B.J. Oh, hi, Jeno. Appreciate the help in there. That judge is crazy. Three days for a character reference. I usually just make up mine on the application forms. JENO. (Reliving West Side Story; sad) Bernardo... Bernardo.. ees dead...! B.J. Yes, well, Juan and Gringo wanted to say hi. They're doing well. My, you're really strong. I bet you've muscles all over.. JENO. - He killed your brother! Bernardo! He's dead..! (Suddenly MAMMY appears with suitcase at the end of the stage) MAMMY. Jake! B.J.! B.J. (Looks up like he can't believe it) - Mammy..? - Mammy....? (MAMMY and B.J. are both so happy. They start running to each other, but suddenly something snaps in JENO: he's reliving the movie even more now. JENO takes out a gun and just before MAMMY and B.J. reach each other, JENO shoots, shouting out. B.J. slumps into MAMMY's arms, in a spotlight from the parking lot, of course. B.J. tries to say something, but can't. She starts to sing something slow and sad, but he puts his hand over her mouth - he doesn't want to hear that now. JENO runs away. B.J. is trying to point at something, then dies. MAMMY looks to where he was pointing. Sees a bullet hole: seems the bullet went through them both) MAMMY. (Looks at audience) Oh, great. (She dies slowly; only her feet are in the spotlight - the main focus of the light is on B.J. Suddenly and slowly the light turns into something holy. Holy angel music starts soft and sweet. When the light is at its brightest, laughter from heaven is heard. Loud and wild. House lights. Audience may leave while the laughter continues) THE END