The Voyage of Captain John, the Bastard of Northaven By R. W. Kotulski Cast: Bernie, the old sailor Three Younger Sailors Captain John, the Bastard of Northaven Frederick, John's first mate Bartender, a literalist Drunks, in the Barfly Madame of Northaven Cook, also known as cookie Gaeleb, an experienced sailor Cameron, a challenged individual Pueepueg, Queequeg's brother Jamison, of England Monte Jeffers, of France Kenneth, a deep character Martin, leader of Kennedy Island Janel, Martin's wife Four Heros Elizabeth, Martin's personal attendant Hans, Martin's minister of Health and Fitness; he has a most curious Austrian accent Adam, the first native Albert, the second native Laura, Albert's wife Lord Gotha, Lord of the Gothan Empire Kadgar, servant to Gotha General Casper, Lord of the Panthonians Katiana, servant to General Casper Apollo, Leader of the Heckthonians First Sailor on Boat, FSB Second Sailor on Boat, SSB Act One Scene One: Bar Enter: Bernie, Other Sailors, Bartender Bar: Well Bernie, are you going to tell us that story of yours? Bern: Aye, I reckon it'd be time for me to tell it. After all, I think God only gives us so much time on this Earth, and I think that my clock is about to run out. Bar: Bernie, I don't think you have to worry about your time coming to an end, but do tell us the story. Bern: This is the story of Captain John, the Bastard of Northaven... First Sailor: Where's Northaven? Bern: Arrr! How should I know? Second Sailor: I believe it's nearin' to Liverpool... Third Sailor: I thought it was just outside of Manchester... Bar: Methinks it's just outside of Portland. First Sailor: Where's Portland? Third Sailor: There's a Portland in Maine and Oregon. Second Sailor: Where are they? Bar: In the United States. First Sailor: Where is this United States? Third Sailor: This play is starting to go the way of the last play by R.W. Kotulski... Downhill! Bern: Aye! Silence, while I tell the story! Second Sailor: Very well. Bern: Where was I? Bar: You had just said who the story was about. Bern: And who was that? First Sailor: Captain John, the Bastard of Northaven. Bern: Aye! I can't stand that story! I'ma not goin' to tell it! Third Sailor: Yes, but you have too! Bern: Why? Second Sailor: Because the play is Called, "Captain John, the Bastard of Northaven," and if you don't tell that story then all these nice people in the audience will demand their money back, and the production company will go broke, the writer will have yet another breakdown, the moon will collide with the Earth, the Sun will take an elliptical orbit and spin wildly out of control, the galaxy will suddenly have a surplus of anti-matter causing entire worlds to be destroyed in the blink of an eye, the universe's red shift will turn blue, and God will die... Bar: And, besides, we don't want any hecklers to shout things at us like in the last play by R.W. Kotulski. The actor who played Katrina had to join a therapy group after one heckler told her she looked fat. Bern: Very well then... As I said before, this story is about Captain John, the Bastard of Northaven. John was perhaps the worst person ever to grace the Earth, if you don't count Ronald Reagan. First Sailor: Nobody ever does. Bern: Well, anyway... what was I just saying? Bar: You just said that John was an asshole. Bern: Aye, but he wasn't you know. Bar: No, I didn't know, because you just said he was. Bern: Arrr, well when was the last time you actually listened to me. Bar: It's been awhile. Bern: Aye, well, the only thing I'll tell you about John was that he liked Barry Manilow. Third Sailor: Why are you only going to tell us that? Bern: Aye, you must be daft! I not going to spoil the story for you now am I? Third Sailor: I suppose not. Bern: The story begins in his hometown of Northaven... [light fades on the bar] Scene Two: Ship's Deck, flying above the ship is a tremendously large British flag Enter: John and First Mate Frederick John: How goes it on deck? Frederick: Very well Captain. The men are almost prepared. We will be able to leave by morning. John: Very good Frederick. I'll be at "The Barfly" if any important decisions need to be made. Exit: John Frederick: [sighs] As if he were able to make decisions in that drunken stupor of his. Even the cook could make better decisions than that... Where's my Valium? Scene Three: The Barfly Enter: The Barfly Drunks FD: Is everybody ready? John's going to give us his impression of a Greek fountain! Enter: John, wearing only shorts, with a mug of beer John: Ready? SD: Of course. [John drinks from the mug, stands on one foot, then spits the beer into the air everyone starts giggling furiously] Enter: Madame of Northaven Madame: Hello.... Johnny.... John: Hello.... Madame.... [drunks giggle at this] Madame: The girls... they miss... you... Johnny. TD: She talks just like William Shatner. [drunks start giggling again] John: Well then... I guess... that... I'll... just... have to... go... see them... now. [drunks giggle yet again] Exit: John and Madame FD: What a guy John is! SD: I love him. TD: I think I'm going to cry. FD: Why? SD: Ya, why? TD: Because he's leaving! [all begin weeping uncontrollably Light fades on the Barfly] Scene Four: The Bar Enter: Sailors, Bernie, and the Bartender Bern: Aye, and so ends the story of Captain John, the Bastard of Northaven. First Sailor: That's not the end! Bern: Aye, tis. Bar: That always was the problem with you Bernie, you never want to finish what you start. Bern: Well, I suppose I could continue if you gave me a free beer. Bar: Well, I suppose I could give you a free beer if you continue. [grabs Bernie's glass and fills it up behind the bar] Bern: Aye, well, let's see, Arrr, Captain John was to meet his crew for the first time the next morning. Aye, but his little encounter's with the girls at the Madame's took longer than expected and he was late for the crew meeting and they left without him. The end. Third Sailor: That is not what happened! Bar: What do you want now Bernie? Bern: Arrr, I'd be thinking that some female companionship might do me good tonight, at your expense, of course. Bar: Fine Bernie! I'll send for your female companionship! Just continue the story! Bern: Very well. Anyway... Exit: Bartender Bern: John was late for his crew meeting, and it was annoying the first mate, Frederick... [light fades on the bar] Scene Five: Ship's Deck Enter: Frederick, cook, and various sailors who are dirty, mean- looking, and un- shaven Frederick: He certainly is taking his time. Why, of all the captains, in all the ships, of all the countries, did I get stuck with cut throats and... [takes another Valium] [Frederick begins examining the sailors] Frederick: Dear God! This will certainly be an interesting trip. Enter: John John: Frederick! I apologize for my tardiness, but I was... um... saying goodbye to my mother. Frederick: [to himself] Sure. [to John] That is alright, captain. John: How's the crew? Frederick: Well, sir... John: They look like a fine bunch of sailors! [to sailors] "Are you good men? And true?" [sailors grumble] Frederick: [to himself] He always quotes Shakespeare. He must think it makes him sound important. All it really does is make him sound... [takes a Valium out of his pocket and takes it] John: Frederick! Would you introduce me to these fine sailors? Frederick: Yes, captain. [Frederick walks to the end of the line of sailors] Frederick: [points to first sailor] This is Gaeleb. He has sailed with twenty ships. Five cargoes, eight whalers, and seven trading vessels. He last traveled with Captain James McGovern. John: Isn't that the Captain that was hung by his crew? Frederick: Yes. [moves to next sailor] This is Cameron. It's his first time in a boat. Cameron: Boats are fun. Frederick: [whispers to John] Cameron is a little bit "challenged" Cameron: I like boats. John: [whispers to Frederick] Well obviously if he thinks boats are fun! Frederick: [moving down the line] This is Pueepueg. John: That name sounds familiar. Where have I heard that name before? Frederick: He's Queequeg's brother. John: Ah, that makes sense. Frederick: He of course has sailed many waters, with many crews, with many heads. John: He's got heads? Frederick: Of course he's got heads. Most head hunters do. John: [to Pueepueg] Can I see your heads? Pueepueg: No! In me culture only head hunters can see heads. Cook: Well, John's close enough. He's only got half a head! John: Cookie! Cook: I don't know when, or if, I ever told you that you could call me cookie, but stop it. John: Fine, Cookie! [cookie grumbles] Frederick: Could we please get on with the introductions! There are twenty five more sailors to introduce, and I'd like to go home to my wife sometime this evening. John: Very well, continue. Frederick: This is Jamison. He is the bastard son of Henry, the bastard brother of Richard, who is the bastard son of James, the king of England. Jamison: I really don't want to be here. John: We really don't want you to be here. Frederick: [sighs, but keeps moving] This is Monte Jeffers. He's fought with the French Royal Navy. John: I didn't think that France had a royal navy. Frederick: It doesn't anymore. John: Why's that? Frederick: It was destroyed by the Danish Royal Navy, which was destroyed by the Swedish Royal Navy, which was destroyed by the British Royal Navy, which was destroyed by the Finnish Royal Navy... John: That's enough! I'm finished! [starts to giggle] [Frederick takes another Valium out of his pocket and swallows it] John: You know that too many of those can adversely affect your health. Frederick: I don't care. [moves down the line again] This is Kenneth. He's... well, actually I don't know that much about him. John: That's okay. I'm sure we'll get to know him well on the trip. Frederick: I suppose so. After all, we're all going to be together on the same ship for about four months. [everybody looks at who's next to him and shivers] John: How many more people do you have to introduce? Frederick: About fifteen. John: Forget it! That will take another hour. I don't have that kind of time. Frederick: Fine with me. John: Dismiss them. Frederick: Should I dismiss them? John: Yes, dismiss them. Frederick: Very well men, you are dismissed. [sailors break formation and begin to mill about on the ship] John: Well Frederick. Where should we go? Frederick: How about Jamaica since that is where we were supposed to go. John: Very good Frederick. Set a course. Frederick: Captain, that is your job. John: Yes. So it is. Well, I'll just do that. Set a course, I mean. Exit: John Frederick: I wonder if he knows how to plot a course? Act Two Scene One: Ship's Deck Enter: Frederick, Pueepueg, Kenneth, Jamison Frederick: [looking up] Hmm... Is that a greater painted snipe on the mast? Pueepueg! Fetch my telescope! [Pueepueg exits and returns with the telescope] Frederick: [looks through the telescope] Yes! It is a greater painted snipe. A female greater painted snipe. If I recall correctly, if that is a greater painted snipe, then we aren't even close to Jamaica. Jamison! Fetch my encyclopedia of Birds, Fowl, and Raptors. Jamison: Why should I? Frederick: Because, I'm the first mate, and if you don't do what I say than I'll have you thrown overboard. Jamison: Fine, but don't expect me to do things for you all the time. [Jamison exits and returns in a minute with the encyclopedia] Frederick: [looking through book, to himself] Where is the greater painted snipe? Ah! Here. [to everyone on deck] It says here that the greater painted snipe is common to Africa, south of the Sahara, Madagascar, south Asia, and Australia. We aren't even close to Jamaica! We're in the south Atlantic! Somebody call the captain! Exit: Pueepueg, to get the Captain Enter: Pueepueg and John John: What seems to be the problem Frederick? Frederick: We aren't close to Jamaica! We're in the south Atlantic! John: That's impossible. I used the compass. Here, let me show you. [takes the compass out of his pocket speaks in a condescending manner] See. That little hand is pointing north, therefore I turn the compass so that the N is south. Frederick: That's not how you use a compass! You turn the compass so the N is facing North. N stands for North! John: It does? I thought it stood for "not that way." Frederick: No! [takes another Valium out of his pocket and gulps it down to himself] Okay Frederick, it's alright. It'll get better. After all you only have to spend four more months with him. [starts crying] John: I guess that means that we aren't on the right course. Oh well. [shuggs his shoulders, and drops compass] Opps. Frederick: You dropped and broke it? Now it's of absolutely no use to anyone! Great, now we'll be stuck out here forever. Scene Two: Bar Enter: Bernie and the three sailors Bernie: Aye, the story continues with Captain John and his crew encounterin' many new lands and many different peoples, and strugglin' with his many faults until ultimately he does not become a better person. It's all very boring. Enter: Bartender, with parrot Bar: Hey Bernie, I got you your female companionship, her name is Alice. Bernie: Aye, names don't matter! Where is she? Bar: Right here. Bernie: You mean the parrot? Bar: Yes. Bernie: Arrr, that wasn't what I had in mind at all! Bar: All you said was that you wanted, "female companionship." She's female, and she's companionship. Bernie: Aye, I guess that be better than nothing at all. [to himself] Aye, the damn literal bastard. Bar: Exactly, now continue. Bernie: As I was saying, John and his crew continued for forty days and forty nights in their boat with all the animals. Bar: Isn't that Noah's story? Bernie: Aye, tis, I forgot, you'll do that too when you get to be my age. Anyway, John and his crew sailed for fifteen days and fifteen nights until they came upon another ship. It was a whaler, but they didn't know who was commanding it, so they plotted a course directly for it, and the whaler did the same. When they got close enough they could see that it was the Pequod. When they got closer still they could talk, but they could barely hear each other over the sound of the ocean. First Sailor: Isn't that the famed ship that Ahab sailed in? Bernie: Aye, the very same. Scene Three: Ship's Deck Enter: Frederick, Pueepueg, Kenneth and Monte Jeffers Frederick: [looking through telescope] I think it's the Pequod. Monte: Isn't that the famed ship that Ahab sails in? Frederick: Yes, the very same. Enter: John, singing "Mandy" Monte: [aside, to Frederick] Why is he singing Barry Manilow? Frederick: I don't know. He must like him. Monte: Is that possible? Frederick: I think it's possible for really disturbed people, yes. John: What ship is she? Frederick: The Pequod. John: Isn't that the famed ship that Ahab sails in? Frederick: Yes, the very same. Pueepueg: [who hasn't been paying attention] What ship is it? John: The Pequod. Pueepueg: Isn't that famed ship that be commanded by Captain Ahab and ship where me brother is? John: Aye, the very same. Pueepueg: Yahoo! [by now the ships are close enough for the two crews to talk, but the ocean is very loud and they can barely hear each other] Ahab: Have you seen the white whale, Moby Dick? John: [to Frederick] Did he ask what I think he asked? Frederick: Yes, I think so, but I couldn't hear very well. John: What a strange question! [to Ahab] Yes... I have seen it... but I think it's improper of you to ask such a question. [Ahab is flustered by this response] Ahab: Where is he? John: [to Frederick] Did he just ask what I think he asked? Frederick: Yes, I think so. John: How can such a great sea captain be so ignorant? [to Ahab] It's in the same place as yours is. [Ahab takes this to mean that Moby is near his ship] Ahab: [very loudly] Aye, men, lower the boats, we'll get that scurvy white whale if we have to destroy the ship to do it! Queequeg: [who saw his brother on the other ship, to his brother, Pueepueg] Pueepueg! How's things in you ship? Pueepueg: We have a "pentok" for a Captain. Queequeg: So do we. [the ships are now too far apart for conversation] John: What strange questions. I never thought that one of the greatest captains ever to grace the oceans could be a perverted fool. Frederick: I'm not surprised [the ship hits a very large wave and bounces, causing Kenneth to fall out] John: Did Kenneth just fall out? Frederick: Yes... I guess we won't get to know him very well... what a shame! Scene Four: Ships Deck Enter: John, Frederick, Jamison, and Gaeleb Gaeleb: Land ho! John: What did he say? Frederick: [shouts into John's ear] Land ho! John: Oh. But there isn't supposed to be any land in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Frederick: We aren't in the Atlantic Ocean anymore, and do you know why that is? John: No, I can't think of any reason why we should no longer be in the Atlantic Ocean. Frederick: [shouting] It's because with have an incompetent bastard captain! John: I don't know about the incompetent part, but I know that the bastard part is true. Frederick: Well I know that the incompetent part is true. Gaeleb, how many captains do you know who can't use a compass correctly? None, right? Gaeleb: Right. Frederick: My two year old daughter can use a compass correctly, but you can't! That indicates to me that you lack the intelligence to do simple tasks that even two year olds are capable of, and that, if I am not mistaken, is the definition of incompetence. Gaeleb: [to both John and Frederick] Sirs... Frederick: You are the most freakish person I have ever met. I cannot understand why you weren't weeded out by natural selection. Idiots like yourself shouldn't be able to get by in the world. How did you do it? John: I had a rich uncle. Frederick: That explains it. Only the aristocracy could support clowns like yourself. You're a disgrace to England. My god you're even a disgrace to France! Jamison: There's no need to become nasty. Frederick: If I had any sense at all I'd have you thrown overboard! Gaeleb: Sirs! Frederick: What is it Gaeleb? Gaeleb: Do you remember when I told you that I spotted land? John: Of course. Gaeleb: Well, during your "conversation" we grew ever nearer to that land, and, if I'm correct, and I'm just guessing I might add, we will hit said land in just a few seconds. [starts a countdown from five, and at the end of the countdown they hit the island] Frederick: Just wonderful! Just bloody wonderful. Scene Five: Island's shore Enter: entire crew Jamison: Where in Hell are we. Gaeleb: As a matter of fact I don't think we're in hell yet... just purgatory, but it's a long trip, and I'm sure we'll get there eventually. Frederick: Great! This is just wonderful. John: I thought it was a disaster. Frederick: I was being sarcastic you... [takes another Valium out of his pocket and swallows it] That's better Frederick... just relax... life will not always be like this... he's bound to die sometime. Monte: [pointing] Look at the hole the rocks made in the hull. Cook: Actually, that hole was made when I dropped my famous Five Alarm Chili, that was to be tonight's dinner, on the ship's floor, but don't worry, I was able to salvage some of the chili so we will not be hungry tonight! Monte: Oh... great... I think. Pueepueg: I wonder if anyone lives on this island? John: Probably just cannibalistic natives that cook you alive before eating you. Jamison: I think I see somebody coming. Enter: a well dressed man, riding a well groomed horse [martin] Jamison: [to Gaeleb] Yes, he certainly does look like a cannibal. Gaeleb: Yes, a real killer. Martin: Hello my name is Martin Kennedy. May I ask what you are doing on the beaches of Kennedy Island? John: Our boat accidentally ran aground here. Martin: Well, don't worry, just over the hill there is the capital city of the island. If you accompany me I will make arrangements for you to stay with my family in the palace. Jamison: [to Gaeleb] There's a palace? They must be cannibals! Gaeleb: Really, what animals! The brutes! [crew begins walking to the city] Scene Six: Bar Enter: Bernie, Bartender, and the sailors Bar: So what happened next? Bern: Arrr, I'll be getting to that, but right now methinks I need to take a short break to refill my glass of beer. Aye, I've been telling you this story for fifteen minutes without any beer. Do you know how hard that is for a sailor of my age? Aye, I get to be feeling terribly ill and wish only for a nice bitter ale. Arrr, you don't know what a challenge it is for me to speak without the help of beer. My knees start to tremble and I begin to shake all over. My doctor ordered me to drink at least fifteen beers a day. First sailor: You must have Elvis' doctor. Bern: Aye, not quite. My doctor is Jimi Hendrix's doctor. Aye he'll prescribe any kind of drug for you that you want. Anything from Prozac and Valium to Jasperium Hydro-Chloride. He's really a great guy. Bar: Well I think we've heard enough about your little drug obsessed doctor. How about getting back to the story. Bern: Aye, only if you fill me glass up to it's utmost. Bar: Very well. [fills his glass] Bern: Aye, when they reached the palace they started to realize something. Second Sailor: And what might that be? Bern: Everyone in the Kennedy kingdom was an adulterer. Third Sailor: Well everyone knows that. Bern: Aye, but they were just figurin' it out. Scene Seven: Palace Enter: entire crew, Martin and Janel John: [to Martin] I didn't know that this island existed. Martin: Not many people do. We pretty much stay here by ourselves. Frederick: How many subjects do you have? Martin: About fifteen thousand. Today a large group is gathering while I give my monthly speech on the State of the Island. Did I introduce my wife Janel? Frederick: No you did not. Martin: Well then, this is my wife Janel. [entire crew says hello] Janel: Yes, hello. Martin: Janel why don't you show the sailors to their rooms while I speak with the captain and first mate. Janel: Certainly. Exit: Janel, Gaeleb, Jamison, Pueepueg, Cookie, Monte Jeffers, and Cameron Martin: Well gentlemen, would you accompany me to the balcony where I will proceed to give my address. John: Of course. Scene Eight: Balcony, with a crowd gathered below. Enter: Martin, John, and Frederick Martin: [standing up to address the crowd] Fellow Islanders! It is with enormous pleasure that I address you today for it has come to my attention that our valiant army has won half a score of battles that proves that this nation can win the war. I am here on this greatest of days to bestow upon four brave and gallant individuals the honor of the Five Star and Crescent, the decoration that symbolizes virtue and vitality, distinction and direction, the decoration that we use to thank our unwavering heros. [the four heros walk out onto the balcony and Martin pins the decoration on each of them while continuing to speak] Martin: I give these decorations at a time when our island, our society, the greatest there has ever been, is at risk of failing in its duty to survive this war that has taken its toll on each and every one of us. It is with much sadness that I tell you that I must raise our taxes, not for some frivolous building project, but to support the heroic men who are fighting for this great nation's present, past, and future, to support the fighters that so bravely and unselfishly would give their lives to protect our ideas and ideals, to support us, and when I say us I do not mean me and my family; I mean our society, our livelihood, and our way of life. Good night, and may God bless you, your families and each of the dynamic and bold warriors in the field tonight. Thank you. [applause from the crowd] Scene Nine: Palace Enter: Martin, John, and Frederick Martin: What did you think? Frederick: Quite a rousing speech. John: Here here. Frederick: Who exactly are you fighting? Martin: Fighting? Oh, you mean what I said in my speech. Nobody really. Frederick: But you said that there was a war on? Martin: Yes, I did say that, but it isn't true. Frederick: Then why did you tell the crowd that there was a war? Martin: I have to have the people support my government somehow. John: Then who were those four men that you gave the Five Star and Crescent? Martin: Actors. They really did a good job, didn't they? John: So the entire speech was fraudulent. Martin: No, not the entire speech... the tax part was true. Frederick: So, in other words, you invented a fake war so you could raise the people's taxes. Martin: Yes, but you can only do that if 99% of the public isn't well informed. They're not, so it works out great for me. John: This guy is my hero! I love you, man! [starts crying] I love you, man! I love you! Enter: Elizabeth and Hans Minister of health and fitness Martin: Let me introduce Elizabeth... a close personal associate... and Hans, my minister of Health and Fitness. Beth: Hello. Call me Beth. Hans: You can call me Hans. Frederick: Very well. Martin: This is Captain John and First Mate Frederick of the... what did you say the name of your ship was? John: It's called the El Grande Peque¤o. Martin: Ah yes. Captain John of the El Grande Peque¤o. Beth, would you please show them to their rooms. It's getting late, dinner will be at nine, and Beth... after you show them their rooms please meet me for our private meeting. Beth: Of course. Frederick: If you don't mind, sir, I have a few quick questions. Could I reamain? Martin: Of course, don't be silly. Then Beth, would you show Captain John to his room. Beth: Yes, of course. [John speaks as they leave] John: [to Beth] I love this guy! He's really an incredible guy. Beth: You don't know the half of it. Exit: Beth and John Frederick: So, Hans how did you become the Minister of Health and Fitness? Hans: I was appointed. Frederick: I figured that, but well, what did you do to become the Minister. Hans: I was a four time Mr. Kennedy Island. Frederick: Which means? Hans: It means you can beat the crap out of anyone you want to. Got a problem with that? Frederick: No, sir. That's really all I wanted to know, thank you. Exit: Frederick, almost running Martin: Hans, how's Mary? Hans: She is fine and sends her best wishes. Scene Ten: Bar Enter: Bartender, Bernie, and the Three Sailors Third Sailor: Was that private meeting about what I think it was about. Bern: Arrr, I don't know. If your mind is perverted then you probably think it was about sex, right? Third Sailor: Umm... no, I thought it was about puppies. Bern: Aye, your mind is more perverted than I thought. Of course the meeting was about sex. After all, Martin was a Kennedy. Bar: I've known some good Kennedys. Bern: Aye, we all have... they're all over the place... like rabbits, and of course there's the occasional good seed, but they were, for the most part, a bunch of horny rabbits. Bar: So what happened next? Bern: Aye, it's not what happened next that's important, but what happened during the speech that Martin was giving. Bar: And what might that be? Bern: Aye, as you probably remember Janel was showing the crewmen to their rooms. Bar: Yes, I do remember that. Bern: Well, as it turns out, Janel was showing a keen interest in Gaeleb, if you know what I mean. Bar: Yes, I think we know what you mean. Scene Eleven: Hallway Enter: Janel, Gaeleb, Jamison, Cameron, Monte Jeffers, and Pueepueg Janel: You will find each of your rooms down this hallway. If you need anything please ring the bell in the room and shortly thereafter a servant will be here to attend to your needs. Exit: Sailors, they disperse into their rooms Janel: [before Gaeleb exits she speaks to him] Excuse me, but I was wondering if you would tell me of your adventures... alone. Gaeleb: I suppose so, but why alone? Janel: I prefer to be alone with handsome men. Gaeleb: Okay, when would you like to... Janel: Now! Give it to me now! [she throws her arms around him] Gaeleb: I think you have something besides storytelling on your mind. Janel: I certainly do. [she is now hanging on him] Gaeleb: But you're a married woman. Janel: Do you have a problem with that? Gaeleb: Not really. Exit: Janel and Gaeleb Enter: Jamison and Monte Jeffers Jamison: Monte, have you rung for a servant yet? Monte: No, why? Jamison: Because they're all scantily clad nymphets! Monte: Really? Jamison: Absolutely! They all look like that Prussian princess... you know the one. Monte: The one with the big hair? Jamison: No, the other one. Monte: The one who can do contortions? Jamison: Yes, that one. Monte: Wow. I think we're in heaven. Jamison: If they only had a hot tub. Monte: Yes, that's all it's missing. [both sigh] Act Three Scene One: Bar Enter: Bartender, Bernie, and the Three Sailors Second Sailor: So what happened next? Bern: Aye, well they stayed on Kennedy Island for several weeks until finally Martin found out about Janel's little sordid affair with Gaeleb, he found out about Elizabeth's little rendezvous with Captain John in the garden, and he found out that his other "attendants" were also consorting with various crewmen of the El Grande Peque¤o. After Martin found all of this out he had Hans literally kick the crew of the El Grande Peque¤o off his island. Apparently he himself liked cheating, but didn't like it when others cheated on him. First Sailor: So what happened next? Bern: Aye, I can't quite remember. Bar: I'm sure you do, you just want more beer. Bern: Aye, you hit is right on the reindeer's but. Third Sailor: Where did you pick that saying up? Bern: Arrr, methinks it was during my stay in Sweden as a lumberjack. Bar: You were a lumberjack? Bern: Aye, 'twas, but that was twenty two years ago. Or was it thirty two years ago? I can't remember. First Sailor: Anyway, so what happened next? Bern: Arrr, well, since they had all been kicked off of Kennedy Island they decided to continue their journey to Jamaica. Second Sailor: But they didn't know where they were. Bern: Aye, well, I just said they would continue, I didn't say that they would get there. Third Sailor: That's true. Scene Two: Ship's Deck Enter: Frederick and Jamison Frederick: It certainly is a good day, isn't it? Jamison: Yes it is, but I just don't feel as happy since we left Kennedy Island. Frederick: Well, at least you aren't as bad as the Captain. He's locked himself in his room and will not come out. Every time you try and persuade him to come out he starts crying. Jamison: It's understandable. That place was almost like heaven. Frederick: Yes, I suppose it was. The hot tub was great. Jamison: There was a hot tub? Frederick: Yes of course. Didn't you go into the basement? Jamison: No! I can't believe there was a hot tub! [starts crying] That place was heaven. I feel like Mephistopheles! I was kicked out of heaven! [continues sobbing helplessly] Frederick: [to himself] I can't believe these people. Enter: Monte Jeffers Monte: [to Frederick] What's Jamison crying about? Frederick: He... Jamison: There was a hot tub! Monte: What? Jamison: There was a hot tub on Kennedy Island! Monte: You lying sadist! There couldn't be! Jamison: It's true! Ask Him. [points to Frederick] Monte: Is what he says true? Frederick: Yes, I must say I enjoyed the hot tub more than anything else on the island. Monte: I can't believe it. We were cast out of heaven! We're no better than Mephistopheles! Jamison: I know! I know! [Monte begins crying with Jamison] Frederick: What a disaster. Enter: Captain John John: [to Frederick, while wiping away his own tears] What are they crying about? Frederick: They just found out that there was a hot tub on Kennedy Island. John: There was? Oh the horror! The horror! [starts crying again, and disappears into his cabin] Frederick: This is worse than my nightmare about being naked in the streets of London... No, I don't think it's quite that bad Jamison: [through loud sobs] Why did it have to happen to us? Why? Life is so cruel! Frederick: Yes, it is that bad, worse even. [sighs] Enter: Pueepueg Pueepueg: [to Frederick] Is person in crows nest watching for big things that we hit? Frederick: Jamison was supposed to be doing that, but he's a little indisposed right now. Pueepueg: I think we gonna hit something. Frederick: Why would you think that? Pueepueg: Because I see big things up ahead. [ship hits another island] Frederick: Didn't we just do this? I hate this ship. Monte: Is it Kennedy Island? Please tell me it's Kennedy Island! Frederick: It's not Kennedy Island! [Monte begins sobbing again] Enter: John John: Did we hit Kennedy Island? Frederick: It's not Kennedy Island! John: There is no God! [begins sobbing again] Enter: Cook, Gaeleb, and Cameron Frederick: Does anyone know where we are? Enter: Two natives, with large spears, on the ground looking up at the crewmen Gaeleb: I'll wager they know where we are [aside] First Native: [to Second Native] I say, look at that bunch of disheveled yahoos. Second Native: [to First Native] They certainly are revolting. Frederick: Hello good native people. We come in peace. Gaeleb: [to Frederick] Sir, are we really coming in peace? After all, once Europe finds out about this new island won't they just colonize it, kill and rape the natives, and convert the remaining natives to a European religion while at the same time destroying their gods? Frederick: Yes, but if I say that than they will kill us all right now. Do you want to die? Gaeleb: Not really. Frederick: Then shut up and let me talk. Gaeleb: No problem. Frederick: [to natives] Take me to your leader. [aside] First Native: I think they're trying to communicate with us. Second Native: They'll probably just buy time until they can colonize our lands, kill and rape us, and convert those of us who remain to one of their idiotic monotheistic religions. First Native: Albert, you're always such a pessimist. I don't know how Laura can stand you. Second Native: What makes you think she does? [first native beckons for the crew to come with him, second native, Albert, just shakes his head with disapproval] Exeunt Scene Three: Great Hall of the Natives Enter: Entire Crew, First Native, Albert, and Laura, Albert's wife John: Wow this certainly looks like an important building. Gaeleb: It's probably some sort of seat of government. John: Do you think they have a government? Gaeleb: Why not? We do. John: Yes... but really. [aside] Laura: [to Albert] Who are these yahoos you brought home? Didn't I tell you, "No More Pets!" Really Albert I would have thought that you were a better judge of character. These people will inevitably kill and rape us. You can see it in their eyes. Albert: I know that. Adam is the one who wanted to bring them home. I know they'll just convert us to one of their ridiculous monotheistic religions with their ludicrous book of rules and regulations, but Adam wouldn't listen. Laura: Adam, you know you're going to have to kill them now that they know about us. Adam: I don't think so, I think they were lost. Laura: Why do you think that? Adam: Because one of them had a broken compass. Besides, look at them! [they are all staring blindly into space, except for Frederick] They don't look like they could put two thoughts together. Laura: That's certainly true. Look at that one [pointing to John] he looks like a zombie without any mind! Frederick: [to natives] Could we get some food? [aside] Laura: What did he say? Albert: How should I know, I don't speak yahoo. Adam: He's probably hungry, after all, primitive races do eat a lot. Laura: You'd be lucky if they didn't eat us all tonight. I'll feel much safer when the hunting party returns tomorrow. They make me nervous. [Adam hands Frederick a bowl of fruit, Frederick accepts it gladly and bows] Adam: You see, I'll bet in their primitive culture that meant thank you. Laura: I still don't trust them. Albert: I think you're right not to. Adam: You're a couple of primate haters, you know that? Laura: It's better to be a live primate hater than a dead demon lover. Albert: Here, here. Adam: I think you need to seek professional help. Albert: Thanks, already have it. Jackson is a wonderful therapist, he even made me tolerate Laura again. Adam: Wow that is good! Laura: Please! You can't get enough of me! Albert: That's not quite true. Do you remember when you ate that bowl of bunberries. Laura: Yes. Albert: Well, I had enough of you then. Jamison: [to Monte] What do you think they're talking about? Monte: Probably about some sort of stone tool that was just invented in their part of the world. Jamison: I wonder. Monte: Or they could be talking about how to cook a small bunch of western Europeans. Jamison: Difficult to say. Monte: Or they might be talking about the lives of one of their gods. Jamison: Hmm... maybe. Frederick: [to John] Captain what should we do? John: Well, we should probably stay with these natives until such time as we can fix the hole in our ship and then we should leave. Frederick: That was just what I was thinking. John: See if you can communicate to them that we want someplace to sleep. Frederick: Very well... [to natives] Do you have someplace that we could sleep? [makes motions with his hands] [aside] Adam: I think he's asking if there's anywhere they can sleep. Laura: Put them in the stable with the pigs. Albert: Why would you want to do that to the pigs? Put them in the storytelling room. Nobody's using it right now, and the fire will keep them warm. Adam: Very well... [to crewmen] Please come with me. [motions with his hands that they should follow him. Exit: crewmen and Adam Laura: I think that they're being here will only bring tragedy to us. Albert: Then we should enjoy the happy moments we have, because they very well could be few in number. Scene Four: Seashore Enter: crewmen all working on the ship and Laura and Albert John: Well it looks as if work on the ship is progressing at a rapid pace. Frederick: Yes captain. I'm happy to report that by tomorrow we shall be able to leave. Monte: I'm going to miss our little primitive friends. They have quite a stout ale. John: Yes it is good isn't it? Monte: Very much so. [aside] Laura: I don't think it was very nice of you to give those yahoos that left over varnish. Albert: They seemed to like it. Laura: Yes, but even so, do you think yahoos know what's best for them? Albert: Sure they do. Laura: Ya, right and I'm a painted wispet. Albert: That explains it. Laura: Very funny. Jamison: I still wonder what they're talking about. Do you think it's us? Monte: It probably isn't even a language Jamison: Ya, I'll bet you're right. [aside] Albert: What do you think they're saying? Laura: You think they have a language? Albert: Well, maybe. Laura: That seems pretty unlikely to me. Albert: It does, doesn't it? After all why would yahoos need to speak to one another? Laura: That's a crazy idea. Albert: I don't know about myself sometimes. I come up with the strangest notions! Scene Five: Bar Enter: Bartender, Bernie, and sailors Bern: Aye, and so they fixed the hole in the El Grande Peque¤o and went on their merry way. Bar: Do you want me to fill up your beer? Bern: Aye, I wouldn't be mindin' it. Bar: Does that mean "yes" or "no?" Bern: Yes, I want you to fill up me beer. Bar: Very well. First Sailor: Well... Bern: Well what? Second Sailor: Well, what happened next? Bern: Arrr, I'll continue after a short trip to the little sailors room. Exit: Bernie Third Sailor: Do you think any of this is true? Bar: It might be. First Sailor: Anything's possible Second Sailor: I doubt it. Third Sailor: Ya, so do I. Bar: None of this could have happened... it's just too... too... First Sailor: Ridiculous. Bar: Yes. Enter: Bernie Bern: Ah, I'm feelin' much better now. Where was I in the story? Second Sailor: The crew had just left the island of the primitives. Bern: Aye, and they... where's Alice? Bar: I haven't seen her since you went to the little sailors room. Bern: Find her! What would I do without that parrot? I wouldn't be half the sailor I am today if it weren't for that parrot! Bar: But you just got her. Bern: I did? Arrr, then I guess I would be the man I am today without her. Third Sailor: Are you going to continue sometime in this century? Bern: Aye, I reckon I will. As I was starting to say before the crew had left the island of the primitives and they were sailing out on the open sea trying to make their way to Jamaica. Act Four Scene One: Ship's Deck Enter: Frederick, Gaeleb, Jamison and Pueepueg in the crow's nest Frederick, Gaeleb and Jamison are playing Scrabble Jamison: Balderdash? There's no such word. Gaeleb: Sure there is. Jamison: What does it mean then? Gaeleb: It means "poppycock." Jamison: And what does "poppycock" mean? Gaeleb: It means "blather." Jamison: What the hell is a "blather?" Frederick: It means nonsense. Jamison: [to Gaeleb] See, he agrees with me. Frederick: No I don't, that's what "balderdash" means. Jamison: What? Frederick: Nonsense. Jamison: Yes, that's what I'm saying, it's nonsense. Frederick: No, no, no! "Balderdash" means nonsense. Jamison: It does? Gaeleb: See, I told you it was a word. Jamison: Oh shut up. At least I didn't get us all kicked out of heaven by sleeping with God's wife. Gaeleb: What? Jamison: You think we don't know about your little sordid affair with that siren? Gaeleb: I don't care. It was worth it. Jamison: Maybe for you, but what about the rest of us? Frederick: I think it was for the best that we were kicked of that island. After all, if we had stayed there we probably would have become a-moral. Jamison: I am a-moral. I like being a-moral. Frederick: Jamison! It's your turn. Jamison: Fine, fine. Pueepueg: I thinks I see island! Frederick: We aren't going to hit this one are we? Pueepueg: No, we far away it, no chance we hit. Frederick: Good, set a course for the island. Pueepueg: Good sir. [to Monte] Monte, set course for island! Monte: Okay! Pueepueg: It look like there is port on island, but me can't see well. Frederick: Really? Pueepueg: Yes. Ship come to meet us, me think. Frederick: Really? Great! Pueepueg: Ship move really quick! There ship is! It the M.L. Pinto [voice of man on the other ship is heard] Man on ship: Welcome to the Supreme Empire of Lord Gotha! May Lord Gotha bless thee! Please follow my ship into harbor for identification and allegiance proceeders. Gaeleb: He certainly sounds as if he means business. Scene Two: Palace of Lord Gotha Enter: entire crew Monte: I do think the strip search was a bit much. Jamison: And what was that swearing allegiance to Lord Gotha stuff? Enter: Lord Gotha with attendants Lord: What are you doing here? John: Please Mr. Gotha... Lord: Address me as Lord! John: Okay, Lord, may I ask why we have been treated in such a disrespectful manner? Lord: Disrespectful manner? You treat me with disrespect by not bowing in my presence! [all bow] Frederick: We are sorry Lord. We are only humble sailors not of this land and we do not wish to offend you. Lord: Not of this land? Are you from Panthemos? Or even worse from Heckthamos. Frederick: No Lord, we are from the British Empire and France. Lord: From the British Empire? Where is this British Empire? Frederick: I can not tell you in what direction from this place it is because I don't not know where "here" is. Lord: I see. Do you in this British Empire believe in the God? Frederick: Yes, Lord. Lord: This British Empire does not sound like a bad place. Kadgar! Show these good believing British to quarters, and give them Doctrine. Kadgar: Yes, Lord! Bless you Lord Gotha, and bless the lord God. Exeunt Scene Three: Crew Quarters Enter: Frederick, Gaeleb, and Monte Frederick: It says here in that "Doctrine" they gave us that the Lord Gotha is the direct recipient of the orders of God and that he is the unquestioned ruler of the empire. Monte: That doesn't surprise me. He seemed to have the kinda ego that could only be obtained through complete, total, and unquestionable dominance over his people. Frederick: You mean like Louis the Twelfth? Monte: I was thinking more along the lines of Henry the Third. Frederick: It also says that the empire has two enemies, the Kingdom of Panthemos and the State of Heckthamos. Gaeleb: What are they like? Monte: As I see it, they have to be better than this place. Frederick: It says that Pathemonians are heathens that don't believe and that the Heckthoians are un-worthy of any insult. Gaeleb: That's pretty bad. Monte: It's probably blown way out of proportion. After all, it is a propaganda document. Frederick: Why would you say that? Monte: Read the back page. Frederick: "Paid for by the Imperial Propagandists." I see what you mean. Anyway, it also says that the world was created in a few thousand years, that we are all decended from two fellas named Joe and Rita, that incest should be, "stamped out like the little vermon of the world." The punishments for incest and adultery are severe. Monte: What are they? Frederick: A man has his penis cut off and a woman is put to death. Monte: Wow, an equal society! Gaeleb: I see... how long are we going to stay here? Frederick: We're leaving tomorrow. Monte: Good. Fanatics give me the creeps. Gaeleb: Me too. Scene Four: Ship's Deck Enter: John, Frederick, cook and Jamison, in the crow's nest John: Where should we go now? Frederick: Well, while we're in the neighborhood why don't we visit the other kingdoms in the area. John: Very well, which one first? Frederick: Well, I think we've seen enough of the religious fanatics for awhile, why don't we visit the heathens. John: Sounds good to me. Frederick: Cook, what's for dinner? Cook: Well, I decided on a lightly baked trout smothered in a light, but tasty, cream sauce with rice and lemon. That will be followed by a nice German Mousse Pie with chocolate sauce. Frederick: We're having deviled ham again aren't we? Cook: No, of course not. We're having deviled chicken. Frederick: Yes, that's so much better. John: Why didn't you get some better food while we were in Gotha? Frederick: He did get some better food, the thing is, he ate it in Gotha. Cook: No I didn't, and I resent the insinuation that I did. John: It is true isn't it? Cook: Absolutely not! Frederick: Maybe we should throw him overboard John: That might not be a bad idea. Cook: Hey guys, now wait just a minute. Who's gonna cook for you? John: He's got a good point. Who will cook for us if we throw him overboard? Frederick: Pueepueg could do it. He knows how. John: Then shall we toss 'im? Frederick: Certainly. [they pick up the Cook and carry him to the edge of the ship] Cook: Now wait just a second. John: What this time? Cook: I can't remember. [they throw him off] John: Well, maybe you should tell Pueepueg about his new duties. No wait, I'll do it, I'm going into the cabin anyway. Hey Pueepueg.... Exit: John Frederick: I'm alone. It's been awhile since I've been alone. Well, maybe it hasn't really. The sea seems to have a calming effect on me. I don't know why. Yes, I do know. It's because nothing is every happening on the sea. [a large amount of birds are heard flying over making loud noises] It's always so quiet... well, almost always. Enter: Gaeleb Gaeleb: Did I hear that the cook was thrown overboard? Frederick: Yes, we threw the cook overboard Gaeleb: So how are we going to eat. Frederick: Pueepueg is going to cook. Gaeleb: Great... that should be interesting. Frederick: Yes I thought so. Jamison: Land ho! Frederick: Already? That's odd, we just left port not an hour ago. Gaeleb: Shall we change course? Frederick: Why not, we have nothing better to do. Enter: John John: Did I hear Jamison say that he'd found land? Frederick: Yes. Do you think we should change our course to go there. John: Of course, that's what we wanted to do, right? To visit the heathens, right? Frederick: Right ho! John: Then set sail! We're going to see the heathens! Scene Five: Palace of the Pathemonians Enter: John, Frederick, and General McCasper, leader of the Pathemonians smoking a large cigar Casper: So what brings you fellas to my kingdom? John: Well, sir... Casper: Please, call me Casper. John: Very well, Casper, we were sailing the seas when we spotted the Island of Gotha. Casper: Gotha, huh? Did you visit the Gothans? John: Yes, but we didn't stay there long... they scared us. Casper: Ya, doesn't surprise me. They didn't whip or rape you, did they? John: No. Casper: Now that does surprise me. Those damned god-loving religists will do anything and then justify it with something like, "Oh, God told me to do it, and I had to do what God tells me." The idiotic panty waists. Frederick: Um, yes, well... Casper: I envision a world without any god-loving freaks. A world free of faith that god will take care of you. The very idea... it just disgusts me! You have to take matters into your own hands. You can't count on some "all-powerful" and "all-knowing" "god" to help you out of difficult situations. What kind of idiot would come up with such an idea? Frederick: Yes, well... Casper: How do religists get their ideas? Frederick: They... Casper: I'll tell you where they get them, from sacred trees and sacred cows. Either that or they go up into the mountains and pick mushrooms with white spots and fornicate in the name of some "god of love, desire and chocolate." It's really pathetic. Anyway, you haven't been told where your rooms are have you? John: No, our crew has, but we don't know. Casper: Very well. Katiana! Enter: Katiana Katiana: Yes general? Casper: Show these gentlemen to their rooms would you hun? [slaps her on the but] That's a girl. Katiana: [sighs] Please come with me. Exit: Katiana, John, and Frederick Casper: Now, where are my battle plans? It's too damn bad we can't just destroy all the god lovers at once in one devastating blow really a shame. Scene Six: Bar Enter: Bernie, Bartender, and sailors Bar: So, and I think I've asked this before, what happened next? Bern: Aye they stayed with General McCasper for a few days, mainly because John liked heathens more than righteous men, but after a few days Casper's long spouts of insults about god- lovers grew old and they decided to go to the third kingdom, Heckthonia. First Sailor: And what was Heckthonia like? Bern: Well, as opposed to Gotha, they didn't believe that the world was created in a few thousand years, but over hundreds of millennia and that the world was just a small part in a great universe. They also believed that Humans evolved from other species. And, as opposed to Panthemos, they did believe that god existed. Second Sailor: They must have been pretty unpopular. Bern: Aye, everyone hated them because they didn't believe in their particular "Doctrine." Bar: Well, I'm waiting for you to continue the story. Bern: Aye, very well. They arrived in Heckthonia and were greeted by the ruler himself, Apollo. He held a banquet for them, and then afterwords invited John and Frederick for after dinner drinks. Scene Seven: Apollo's Study Enter: Apollo, John, and Frederick Apollo: I'll assume you have visited the two empires of the realm. John: Yes, we did. Apollo: And how did you find them? John: By losing our compass. [Apollo laughs at this] Apollo: I mean, what did you think of them? Frederick: I personally thought Lord Gotha thought a little too much of himself and his "Doctrine" and that General McCasper was a misguided psycho-path with an itchy trigger finger. Apollo: So I'm not the only one who thinks so. Frederick: No. John: They both had it all figured out, and you have to admire that. Apollo: Do you? I'm not so sure. A man once said, "Some things were perfectly clear, seen with the vision of youth. No doubts and nothing to fear, I claimed the corner on truth. These days it's harder to say I know what I'm fighting for. My faith is falling away. I'm not that sure any more... Now the only people I fear are those who never have doubts." Frederick: Who said that? Apollo: Billy Joel. Frederick: Who? Apollo: You wouldn't know unless you kept up on music. Frederick: I see. Apollo: How can we know anything of our existence in the world? Why we're here. Where we are. How we were created. Frederick: Though science. Apollo: I suppose you're right, but science can only take us so far. We can't go back in time and see the creation of the universe or know why it started. We need faith. Frederick: But faith can be misguided. Look at Lord Gotha, he denies simple facts because he is too stubborn and set in his ways. He can't just simply adjust his tenets to fit the truths, he has to destroy and deny the truths or his world is crushed. Apollo: Very true. People who have everything figured out aren't just petty and deluded, they are dangerous. Lord Gotha and General McCasper would give just about anything to destroy each other. Frederick: Will things ever be the way they should be? Apollo: I doubt it. Scene Eight: Port of Heckthonia Enter: John, Frederick, Gaeleb, Jamison, Pueepueg, Cameron, Monte Jeffers, and Apollo John: [to Frederick] You're staying here? Frederick: Yes. I feel that being off certain boats will help me to get off Valium. John: That's probably a good idea. You eat those things like candy. Exit: John Gaeleb: If you're going to quit taking Valium would you mind giving me the rest of yours. It's going to be a long journey back to Britain or to Jamaica, or wherever we are going, and I'd hate to not have a good supply of pills to pop through John's inept decision making. Frederick: I wouldn't think of letting you leave without them [gives Gaeleb the pills]. You'll probably be made First mate now that I'm gone. Jamison: [to himself] Not bloody likely. Gaeleb: I certainly hope so. Enjoy your stay here. Exit: Gaeleb and Jamison Monte: I hope there's a chance we can go back to Kennedy Island. Frederick: I doubt that that will happen. Monte: Yes, so do I, but a guy can dream can't he? Frederick: I suppose he can. Exit: Monte Jeffers Cameron: Goody goody. I get to go back on the boat. Goody! Frederick: Bye, Cameron. Exit: Cameron Frederick: How goes the new cooking job Pueepueg? Pueepueg: I worried I not able to come up with enough good Ideas for food and they throw me overboard. Frederick: I doubt that that'll happen, nobody else knows how to cook. Pueepueg: That help, but I also worry that I run out of food if we don't get to port for while. Frederick: I also doubt that that'll happen, after all, on the trip so far we've encountered five ports. Pueepueg: Guess you right. Bye Bye. Frederick: Adios compadre. Exit: Pueepueg Apollo: They don't have a chance to survive the trip back to Britain, do they? Frederick: Not a chance in hell. Apollo: That's what I figuered. Act Five Scene One: Ship's Deck Enter: John, Gaeleb, and Pueepueg John: So Pueepueg what do you have cooked up for us tonight? Pueepueg: I cook something special from my homeland. Gaeleb: And what would that be? Pueepueg: It be called "Sogontoxz." John: What's in it? Pueepueg: It full of good things like carrot and lettuce... John: This isn't a vegie dinner is it? Because if it is then I can assure you that you'll be thrown overboard. Pueepueg: No, course not, it also got good things like goat liver, whale oil, and cod stomoch. [all flinch at this] Gaeleb: Gee, that sounds good. Pueepueg: I go finish prepare it. Gaeleb: Okay. Exit: Pueepueg John: Well first mate Gaeleb, where should we go? Gaeleb: Well, I was thinking about it, and I thought that we might want to go back to Kennedy Island. John: That'd be nice, but don't you think they're a little sore at us? Gaeleb: Probably, but why don't we deal with that when the time comes? John: Okay, let's set a course for Kennedy Island! [short pause] John: How do we do that? Gaeleb: Good point. We don't have a map, but even if we did, we don't have a compass. I don't know. John: That would seem to me to be a problem. Gaeleb: Me too. John: Is there anyway we can find the island? Gaeleb: I don't think so. John: Then I guess were fucked. Gaeleb: Shit happens, and it's been proven that it happens to us. John: I guess it could be worse. Gaeleb: How's that? John: We could have stayed in Gotha and become "moral." [they shudder] Gaeleb: The very thought scares me. John: I know what you mean. Scene Two: Bar Enter: Bernie, Bartender, and sailors First Sailor: The story has to be just about over, right? What else is there to say? Bern: Aye, it's almost over, but not quite. Second Sailor: Well, we know what's gonna happen. Eventually they'll find Kennedy Island and convince Martin that they've reformed, and that they should be allowed to live there. [Bernie starts laughing] First Sailor: What so funny? Bern: You haven't learned anything about these people have you? Second Sailor: What? Bern: They have rotten luck. First of all, they get a crew that's made up of all the rejects of Europe and a captain that's a bumbling idiot. During their adventures they lose their way and break their compass, one crewman falls out, they amazingly find Heaven on Earth, but get kicked out of it, they find an island of natives, big whoop, and they find two islands full of crazies. Do ya notice a pattern here? Third Sailor: I don't. Bern: Aye, you haven't learned a damn thing have ya boys? First Sailor: I resent that. Bern: Aye, I'm sure you do, but that doesn't make it any less true. Second Sailor: So what did happen then? Bern: Arrr, well, they sailed around the ocean for a long time and found absolutely nothing, and... Scene Three: Ship's Deck Enter: Gaeleb, Jamison, and Monte Jeffers Gaeleb: Have you seen Cameron lately? Monte: No, I haven't. Jamison: Neither have I. Gaeleb: Would you two look for him? Enter: John Jamison: Very well. [exits grumbling] Exit: Jamison and Monte John: What was that about? Gaeleb: Neither I nor Jamison or Monte have seen Cameron lately. John: That's funny, I haven't either. Gaeleb: I wonder what could've happened to him. John: Maybe he bounced out like that chap... what was his name? Gaeleb: Bradley? John: No. Gaeleb: Joshua? John: No. Gaeleb: Kilgore? John: Yes, that's it. Maybe Cameron bounced out like that chap Kilgore. Gaeleb: Very possible. Do you know what Pueepueg is cooking for us tonight? John: No, he wouldn't say. Gaeleb: He told me that we're running out of food. John: What a disaster. Gaeleb: Really. We need to find land quite soon or I don't know what'll happen. I'm going to go study the maps. John: Okay, but I don't know what good it'll do you. Gaeleb: Why's that? John: The only maps we have are of Alexander the Great's empire. Gaeleb: Well what good will that do us? John: None, probably. Unless you want to find Mecca. Gaeleb: No, I try to stay away from Mecca. John: It's not very healthly to be in Mecca. Gaeleb: Especially if you're a woman. John: But you're not a woman. Gaeleb: I was just saying... [sighs, takes a Valium] John: Not you too. Gaeleb: Yes. Me too. Exit: Gaeleb John: It's funny that Cameron should just disappear like that. He's probably just sleeping. Yes, I'm sure that's it. Enter: Jamison John: Did you find Cameron? Jamison: No, we didn't. As far as we can tell he's not on the ship. John: Did you check the crew quarters? Jamison: Yes, we checked the crew quarters, and the cargo room, and the mess hall, and all the other places a person could be. John: And you didn't find him? Jamison: What did I just say? John: That you didn't find him. Jamison: Exactly. You'd think that wouldn't be too hard to understand. John: Have patience with me, I'm not as quick as some people. Jamison: You're not as quick of some chimpazees. John: Hey, chimpanzees can be very quick. [Jamison sighs] Enter: Monte Monte: Pueepueg says that dinner's ready. John: Finally, I'm starved! Exeunt Scene Four: Mess Hall Enter: John, Gaeleb, Monte Jeffers, and Jamison Monte: I wonder what Pueepueg's prepared for us tonight. Gaeleb: I wait for the answer to that horrible question, and I shudder at the answer. Jamison: It can't be as bad as the fish eye stew he served us last week. Monte: Sure it can. Ever since that squid steak flavored with maple, both the wood and the syrup, I've learned never to underestimate Pueepueg's ability to come up with something utterly gross. John: I still can't figure out what happened to Cameron. Gaeleb: You said yourself that you thought he must have fallen out. I'm sure that's what happened. Enter: Pueepueg Pueepueg: Here you salad. Gaeleb: What's in it? Pueepueg: It got actual lettuce in it... along with seaweed. Monte: At least it has some lettece in it. Pueepueg: I be back in minute with main course. Jamison: What is the main course. Pueepueg: You find out in minute. Exit: Pueepueg Jamison: I can hardly wait. Any guesses? Gaeleb: I'll say it's some sort of fish, what kind of fish and what part of the fish, I can't tell you. John: It's probably marinated leather with lemon. Monte: I'll say seagull. Late yesterday afternoon I saw him in the crows nest, with a net, feeding the seagulls bits of stale bread. Jamison: I'll be optimistic and, just like Gaeleb, say fish. I saw him fishing to other day, and I think he got one. John: I think we'd be lucky to get fish. Enter: Pueepueg, sets a large plattering on the table the sailors have looks of astonishment on their faces John: Is that... steak? Gaeleb: It can't be steak. Jamison: It looks like steak. Monte: It can't be steak. Gaeleb: It must be steak. Jamison: How can it be steak? John: I have no idea. Monte: Pueepueg, is that steak? Pueepueg: It steak. You like? Gaeleb: You have no idea how much I like. Jamison: Or how much I like. Monte: Where did you get steak? Pueepueg: Oh, it been here and there. John: I'm shocked. Pleased, but shocked. Gaeleb: Why didn't we eat steak earlier? I mean, why didn't we eat the steak earlier? Pueepueg: I thought of it today. Jamison: Well, I'm digging in. John: Me too. [all begin to eat] Monte: It's good steak too. John: Really good steak. Gaeleb: It's tender but... Jamison: ...Frim. Gaeleb: Pricisely. Jamison: I adore steak. I once thought of writing a book about steak. Monte: Really? What was the premise of this book? Jamison: Well, I thought I'd have a steak rescue maidens and vanquish evil in early mid- evil Europe. John: Sounds interesting. Monte: Why didn't you write it? Jamison: I could never find the time Gaeleb: [to Pueepueg] Could you get me a cup of water? Pueepueg: Yes I think, sir. Exit: Pueepueg Monte: Well, I don't think you could have more time on your hands than being on this ship. Jamison: You know, you're right. I'll start tonight, after dinner. Monte: Good. I look forward to reading it. John: You know I used to write poetry. Jamison: Really? Do you remember any of it? John: Unfourtunately no. Although, I do remember I wrote one poem to this one call girl who used to... well, that's really for a more mature audience. Monte: I want to hear this. What did she used to do? John: Well she... [whispers into his ear] Monte: You're kidding? Right? John: No. Monte: With a whip? John: Yes. Jamison: What? What? [Monte whispers into his ear] Jamison: Wow! With a big hat? I only thought Prussian princesses could do that. John: So did I, but she definatly changed my mind Monte: My God that's just incredable. Gaeleb: Isn't one of you going to tell me? Jamison: Fine... [whispers into his ear] Gaeleb: You've got to be kidding? John: It's true! Enter: Pueepueg Pueepueg: [to Gaeleb] Here you water. Gaeleb: Thank you Pueepueg. Pueepueg: It no problem. Scene Five: Ship's Deck Enter: John and Monte Pueepueg in the crow's nest with a net luring birds with bread John: How's Jamison coming on his steak novel? Monte: I don't know, he wouldn't tell me, but he's written several pages. John: I wish he'd read us some of it. Monte: Well, maybe after a while he will. Enter: Jamison, with a bunch of papers John: Well, look who's here. Would you read us some of your novel? Jamison: Yes, of course. It's entitled, well, actually it doesn't have a title yet, but anyway, here goes. [begin's reading] "The eerie glow of the lamp light cast many dim shadows. In this eerie setting many people mysteriously dissappeared. The local constable was confounded. How could so many people disappear in such a short time never to be recovered again? The constable called for more help to control the disappearances, 'It is plain to me that if there is a policeman on every street corner then a criminal could not have the necessary space to nab an unsuspecting gentleman or lady.' Scotland Yard thought for awhile and decided that the constable's logic was unmistakably correct and sent the extra support. Aye, but the bobbies on every street corner didn't help. The disappearances become even more frequent. Finally the constable decided to call in the secret protector of the city, Super Steak. Super Steak was a buff T-bone that stood six feet and weighed two hundred and forty pounds. He wore a cape that reached to his feet and a dark pair of sun glasses that seemed to wrap around him. The constable called Super Steak because he knew that only Super Steak could stop the demon villan from any more kidnappings. Monte: [through tears] That's beautiful man. John: [also through tears] I can't believe it. It's so... so... Monte: Incredible? John: Yes, it's just incredible! Pueepueg: [loudly, but ignored by other sailors] You come birdy! I no hurt you! Enter: Gaeleb Gaeleb: What's going on here? John: Jamison was just reading the beginning of his novel to us. Gaeleb: How is it? Monte: [through tears] Pure genius man! Pure genius! Gaeleb: That good, huh? John: It's undescribable with words. Gaeleb: Kinda like a religious experience? Monte: You got it man! Just like that! Pueepueg: Damn birdy! Come here birdy I no hurt you! Do I look like I hurt you? No, of course no. Scene Six: Bar Enter: Bernie, Bartender, and sailors Bernie: Aye, there's the story. Bartender: What do you mean, "that's the story." There hasn't been a conclusion. Bernie: What exactly do you mean by conclusion? Bartender: I mean the end, the apex, the zenith, el final, you know, the conclusion. Bernie: There isn't one. Bartender: What do you mean there isn't one? Bernie: Aye, I mean that this story was told to me by an old man, like myself, when I was a wee lad, and that he died before he finished the story. Bartender: So you don't know the rest of the story. Bernie: Aye, unfourtunatly the old man took the rest of the story to his watery grave. Bartender: His grave was watery? Bernie: Aye, they burried him in a swamp with the prostitutes. Bartender: What did he do to deserve that fate? Bernie: Aye, he was a prostitute. Bartender: That makes sense. Bernie: Aye, but we've gotten off the subject. I really don't know the rest of the story; therefore, I'm going home. If you find Alice have her sent to me. Exit: Bernie First Sailor: Well, how do you like that? Second Sailor: Really, what kind of a deal is this? We don't get to find out what happened to Captain John. How annoying! Bartender: I suppose I could make the rest of the story up. Third Sailor: Do that then. I want to know. Bartender: Well, as I see it John and the crew went sailing for awhile until they finally came upon an island... Scene Seven: Ship's Deck Enter: John, Gaeleb, Monte Jeffers, Pueepueg, and Jamison Pueepueg: I see land there [points]. John: Where? Pueepueg: You can see there, yes? John: No I can see there, I mean, no I can't see there. Gaeleb: I can see it. John: Where? Gaeleb: Just to the left of the seagull. John: Oh, there. Yes I see it. Monte: I wonder where it is. Jamison: I hope it's Kennedy Island. Monte: What if it is! Jamison: Wouldn't that be great? Monte: It would be amazing. Jamison: It would be the thrill of a life time. Monte: But what if it's Gotha? Jamison: What a disappointment that'd be. Monte: Just imagine if we had to stay in Gotha? We'd have to be "moral!" God, wouldn't that be awful? God: [in a booming voice] I'm not sure it'd be that bad. Jamison: Well, I think it'd be hideous. The very thought gives me the creeps. Monte: Let us not speak of Gotha again. Jamison: In fact let us make it a crime to say "Gotha." Monte: Very good idea, but what should it be punishible by? Jamison: Stoning? Monte: Sounds very good to me, but doesn't that mean we won't be able to tell anyone of the horror that is Gotha? Jamison: Yes, but it's probably for the best. Monte: Why do you say that? Jamison: I don't know, it just seemed like the thing to say, you know, the moment. Monte: I see, but if we aren't able to tell people about godawful Gotha then might people not accidentally become like that and think that it's okay? Jamison: I guess that's a possibility, but I don't think it's very likely. After all, how could someone actually want to become like that? Gaeleb: Would you two pipe down, we're trying to concentrate on this island. John: It kinda looks like England. Gaeleb: I can't be. If it were England we would have been intercepted by a boat asking for our papers and then trying to sell us something. Pueepueg: Me think me see boat. It small boat, but me think there is two people in it. Gaeleb: Maybe I spoke too soon. Jamison: Are we back in England? Monte: Probably. I smell rotting fish. Jamison: Very funny, Frenchie. Monte: Where did you get the idea I was French? Jamison: Your accent. You are French aren't you? Monte: No. I'm Scottish. I learned English in France. Jamison: Then what about your name then? Monte: I changed my name when I became a member of the French Resistance Movement, against Austria. Jamison: You're kidding. Monte: Yes I am. Jamison: That's what I thought. You are a funny one sometimes. Monte: I know, I know. Pueepueg: Boat very near now. I think they gonna say something to us, but don't know what. Gaeleb: They're flying a British flag! John: We're back home! How wonderful! I can see the Madame again! Gaeleb: You miss the madame? John: Yes. Gaeleb: That's funny, most chaps don't miss being near her. John: I don't know why that is. Gaeleb: Probably because she is always boxing somebody's ears. [the ships are now close enough to talk, there are two sailors on the other boat] FSB: How does your honor for this day? John: Very good. SSB: We need to see your papers. Gaeleb: I'll get them. [to himself] What I tell you? Exit: Gaeleb FSB: We've got some lovely cutlery for sale, only eighty crowns. John: We've got our own, thank you. FSB: That's a shame, it's good stuff. Made in Japan. John: Really? Well, if it's good stuff made in Japan. I take it, I mean, I'll take it. [to himself] I've been around Pueepueg too long. Enter: Gaeleb, with papers Gaeleb: Here you go sir. SSB: Thank you very much. You may pass. John: Thanks. Gaeleb: [to John] Did he sell you something? John: Yes. Gaeleb: [to himself] See. I knew it. Scene Eight: Bar Enter: Bartender and sailors Bar: So there's your story. Are you happy? First Sailor: Yes, it was a very good story. Second Sailor: Quite enjoyable. Third Sailor: Funny yet compeling, subtle yet understandable, deep yet it puts you there. Bar: That's probably what the writer and production company are hoping the critics say. First Sailor: No doubt. Bar: Well, it's time to close up, you'll have to leave. Second Sailor: I suppose we should all get home to our wives and children. Bar: That'd be a good idea. Exuent Fin