THE CAR by Eric Ferguson (c)1991 Eric Ferguson 5732 Bossen Terrace #2 Minneapolis, MN 55417 voice/fax: (612)726-6364 fergie@pioneerplanet.infi.net (Blackout. Engine noises are heard. Sound of a car engine stalling. Lights come up. There are four chairs, arranged as the front and back seats of a car. No other set or props are used. Driver is sitting in the driver's seat. He wears a neat, well fitting business suit. Passenger is seated in the back seat. He or she wears a suit similar to Driver's but it is unkempt and too large, with the jacket unbuttoned, shirt hanging out etc.) DRIVER Oh no, what now? PASSENGER Why are we stopped, did you hit another bump or get another flat? DRIVER Be quiet and close your eyes. I'll make some engine noises with my mouth and you'll think we're moving again. ( He makes some engine noises. He coughs.) PASSENGER What happened to your rhetoric? DRIVER Just see what's wrong. PASSENGER You see what's wrong. It's your car. DRIVER I let you share it, don't I? PASSENGER Share it? You never let me drive. I'm always stuck in the back somewhere. DRIVER Well, it's very nice of me to carry you along. PASSENGER Carry me along! I fix the flats, I pay for the gas to keep this thing going. I give you more than you deserve. DRIVER You don't give me more than I deserve. I have earned everything I am given by virtue of being the driver. PASSENGER Who made you the driver? I didn't vote for you. DRIVER This car isn't a democracy. I was born a driver. By virtue of having been born into a certain place, I have earned everything that's given to me or that I can lay my hands on. PASSENGER This is absurd. So what now? DRIVER Get out and see what's wrong. PASSENGER You're the driver. You see what's wrong. DRIVER I've been in the driver's seat, what, about a hundred and fifty years now? I'm not getting out. PASSENGER Oh all right. (Gets out of car.) So what do I do now? DRIVER Look at the tires. PASSENGER (Looks at the tires.) Yeah? DRIVER Look at the taillights. PASSENGER Why the taillights? DRIVER They're at the surface. I don't want to bother digging down into anything. PASSENGER Ok, what's next? DRIVER The license plate. PASSENGER Well, most of the plate is covered with mud, but the motto "the state of prosperity" is still readable. Must be for the filthy rich. (Laughs. Driver doesn't join in.) DRIVER Check the brakeline. PASSENGER The what? DRIVER The brakeline. PASSENGER We've never bothered with the brakeline before. DRIVER We're bothering with it this time. PASSENGER Where is the the brakeline? DRIVER Well, uh, let me think. PASSENGER It's your thinking that got us into this mess. DRIVER My thinking?! PASSENGER Yes, your thinking. DRIVER You don't really think so. PASSENGER I don't do the thinking, you do. DRIVER That's how it ought to be. PASSENGER Perhaps it's time I started driving a car. A car with room in the front for everybody . DRIVER Perhaps I ought to let you touch the steering wheel. PASSENGER Of course you may do the thinking and driving as long as you like. That is the natural order of things. DRIVER I'm glad you realize it. Now check the brakeline. PASSENGER Well, where the heck is the brakeline? DRIVER Look under the car. PASSENGER Under?! DRIVER Yes. PASSENGER But you said, and I quote, "I don't want to bother digging down into anything." DRIVER At the time I meant digging down wouldn't be worth it. Now I think I shall change it to mean that I don't want to dig down into it. Now get down there. PASSENGER All right. (Passenger looks under the car and gets up again.) Oh, hey, there's some guy stuck under the car. DRIVER Yeah, I think I might have heard about that. How's the brakeline? PASSENGER Fine. DRIVER Look at the engine. (Passenger pokes around in the engine, burns a finger, and gets back in the car.) Did you look at the engine? PASSENGER Yeah. DRIVER Is it still there? PASSENGER Yeah. DRIVER That's not it then. Let's just sit here a while and maybe something will happen (They sit.) PASSENGER Can I come up front now? DRIVER No. PASSENGER Why not? DRIVER Because I'm not giving up my place as the driver. PASSENGER You could just let me touch the steering wheel. DRIVER It's not safe for you to come up here while the car is moving. PASSENGER But it's not moving. DRIVER Well that's the problem, isn't it. PASSENGER Then why can't I come up there? DRIVER Don't worry about that until we get moving again. PASSENGER But you said it's not safe for me to move up there while the car is moving. DRIVER It's not. We might have an accident. You might throw things out of whack. PASSENGER I can't move while we're still because we have to get moving again, and I can't move while we're moving because it's not safe. DRIVER It's not my fault. PASSENGER Just why isn't it safe? DRIVER You all have to make sacrifices. PASSENGER Don't you mean we all? DRIVER No, I don't. PASSENGER Don't you have to make sacrifices? DRIVER Of course not. PASSENGER Why not? DRIVER Well, you make sacrifices so I can have more room to work with, so I can keep the car going. That's why you must stay behind me, so I can get the car running again. PASSENGER But I still stay behind you when we're moving. DRIVER You don't want to upset things once the car is recovering. PASSENGER What's the point if I'm still back here? DRIVER Well if you can't compete it's your own fault. The driver's seat is reserved for those who win it. PASSENGER You didn't win it. You inherited that seat. DRIVER Some people are just lucky. PASSENGER I think we might be overdoing this competition thing a bit. DRIVER Be careful. You're sounding like some commie socialist wimp. PASSENGER What I'm trying to tell you is... DRIVER Maybe I'll let you honk the horn. PASSENGER Of course, competition can only help us along. DRIVER I knew you'd see it my way. (pause) PASSENGER Let's call a mechanic now. DRIVER Let's give the car time to straighten itself out. PASSENGER Let's talk about the election. DRIVER Let's do that. PASSENGER Let's think about who to vote for. DRIVER Let's examine the issues in order to pretend we're making an intelligent decision. PASSENGER Let's stop all this let-letting. DRIVER The important thing is getting the rock-kicking problems straightened out. PASSENGER Yeah, the way rocks are kicked these days, it's getting out of hand. DRIVER At least there's a choice this time around. PASSENGER Do you usually vote for the lumper party or the sumper party? DRIVER Oh, well, the lumper party of course. Usually there's not a great deal of difference, though the lumper party leans a little more in my direction. PASSENGER There's a good difference this year though. DRIVER Oh yeah, the lumper candidate is adamant about straight-on kicking, while the sumper feels it's more progressive to kick rocks soccer-style. PASSENGER That pretty well covers everything. There's still some of those extremist parties who say we shouldn't be kicking rocks at all, we should be spending our time helping mankind, as if helping mankind wouldn't lower our standard of living. But we've got as wide a choice as you could ask for. You say you're voting lumper. DRIVER Definitely. PASSENGER I've been kind of wavering. The sumpers do have some good points. DRIVER If the lumpers get elected you might be able to move up to the front. PASSENGER You're right, we better stick with the lumpers awhile. DRIVER Sure. Besides, the lumpers have a good point. Are people better off after kicking soccer-style a few years? PASSENGER People have a right to expect that they will automatically get richer and richer. Though maybe we shouldn't worry so much about material things. DRIVER Don't be ridiculous. Everything runs on material self-interest. PASSENGER But you and I don't do everything out of material self-interest. DRIVER Oh no, we're not selfish. As much. But life's never going to be good if everyone stops looking out for number one. PASSENGER Well, I wouldn't go quite that far. DRIVER What do you mean you wouldn't go that far?! You're not going to start being one of those pipe-dreaming types, are you?! PASSENGER I'm not a pipe-dreamer! I never dreamt about pipes in my life! DRIVER People like you can't seem to get it through your heads that the world has always been run on self-interest. Everything runs on self-interest and the world works just fine. Everything is hunky-dory and should be left as it is. It doesn't work when I'm hampered by stop signs and traffic laws and all that rot. PASSENGER (Leaning on front seat) I ran into one of those radical, question authority and everything else types... DRIVER Pessimists you mean. PASSENGER Leftists, pessimists, something like that. Anyway, I ran into one back at one of those places we stopped at the other day. I tried to tell him everything works all right the way it is and he asked me what I meant by works. DRIVER What did you say? PASSENGER I told him he was a dumb commie and I left. DRIVER That's telling him. PASSENGER Now can I come up front? DRIVER No. (Passenger moves back. pause) PASSENGER See if the car will start yet. DRIVER (Tries to start the car.) Nope. PASSENGER Oh, gasp of exasperation. (pause.) Now can I call a mechanic? DRIVER Yes. PASSENGER Mechanic. (Enter Mechanic.) MECHANIC Yes? PASSENGER Could you have a look at our car? MECHANIC What's the matter with it? PASSENGER It doesn't work. MECHANIC What do you mean by work? PASSENGER (To Driver) I bet he's a communist. DRIVER Remember our self-interest. PASSENGER The engine doesn't do anything. MECHANIC Sounds like you called me in the nick of time. (He goes over to the car and leans against it. Passenger waits for him to do something.) PASSENGER Are you going to look at the car or are you going to squint into the sun all day? MECHANIC Oh no, mister (ma'am) I'm not going to squint into the sun all day. It's bad for your eyes. (pause) Ok, I'm ready to have a look. PASSENGER Good. MECHANIC Which car is yours? PASSENGER The one with the big shot in it. MECHANIC (Walks over to Driver and looks at him. Driver and Mechanic stare at each other from a few inches away. Mechanic turns to Passenger.) Him, eh? (Passenger nods yes. Mechanic looks again at Driver.) Looks only average sized to me. ( Mechanic moves over to engine and looks at it. He removes a part and hands it to Passenger.) Hold on to this a moment. (Passenger drops it because it is hot. Mechanic hands Passenger another part which is dropped. Repeat.) PASSENGER That's hotter than the rest! MECHANIC (Holds out another part.) Take this too. PASSENGER Oh no, let him take that one. MECHANIC Here, take this. DRIVER What? (Takes the part and doesn't burn himself.) PASSENGER Oh for heaven's sake. DRIVER Something wrong? PASSENGER Not that I can tell. MECHANIC (Looks around underneath car.) Hey, I think I found part of your problem. There's some guy pinned under your car. DRIVER Yes, I think he (she) said something about it earlier. MECHANIC He says he's angry and if you don't get him out he'll turn the car over. DRIVER How's the engine? MECHANIC Well, I'll tell ya, she's going to need some special tools. She's got some problems you know. DRIVER Do what you have to. MECHANIC Well, I'll tell ya, carrying those tools is a rough, hard, long, slow, tortuous, sinecurous, dirty, mean job. I could sure use some help. DRIVER Don't worry about it, it's no trouble at all. Go with him. PASSENGER Me again?! DRIVER When it's running again, I might be able to find some spare room in the front seat. PASSENGER (to Mechanic) Let's go. Time is money and there's a front seat riding on this. MECHANIC I'd rather have dollars and that front seat isn't riding on anything until I get the engine fixed. (They exit) DRIVER (Pause, then to audience.) Don't worry, they'll be back before long. They always came back in rehearsal. Of course, we always had a candy bar waiting for them. But we figured, well, it is a performance after all, they won't need any sort of prompting. Besides, the vending machine was out of order. (pause) I hope you weren't expecting me to keep you entertained. I'm not getting out of this driver's seat or I'm liable to find that little pip-squeak from back there moving into my place. How do you like that runt, wavering on who he's going to vote for. He'll vote lumper because like everyone else he votes his pocketbook. He's one of that huge group of voters who would vote for a concrete block if it promised to cut taxes. A lot of politicians are initially successful that way. (Passenger and Mechanic enter carrying a huge tool box which is very heavy. Like the car this is pantomimed.) PASSENGER Ok, ok, take it easy, this box is heavy. Careful, don't want this bugger to slip. MECHANIC I don't know about bugging, but this stuff will fix a car. DRIVER You're back, eh? PASSENGER Yes, my back and my shoulders and my hamstrings and my ankles and my arms and just about everything else. DRIVER Would you like some help? PASSENGER (Surprised) Yes, we would. DRIVER Just wondering. PASSENGER Groan. MECHANIC Ok, set 'er down over here. DRIVER Wait, not there! Quick, move it over there! (They move to the other side of the stage.) Now turn it around, turn, turn! Now move back to the other side! Keep going, keep going! (They move around the car and back to where they originally were. ) Stop there! Lift your right legs, hold it! You two look very silly. MECHANIC Does he always get people to work against each other like that? PASSENGER You should see him handling labor relations. (Mechanic works on the car. Passenger gets into the back seat.) I'm exhausted. DRIVER I told you you would have to make sacrifices to get the car working again. You've given me a chance to rest up from the hard times I've been going through. PASSENGER What hard times? DRIVER Mind your manners. (They move as if the car has just been given a sudden jolt. Mechanic looks underneath the car.) What was that? MECHANIC It was this guy under the car here. He says he means business. Say buddy, that's really a bad deal, you being stuck down there like that. But as long as you're down there, could you just hold those twp nibs over there together? Right, those two. Great ,thanks. (to Driver) Looks like your catalytic converter's a bit worn. DRIVER I don't want to hear about those pollution control devices. It's just more laws and red tape. I don't know why the government doesn't stay out of my business. PASSENGER Suppose I come up there now? DRIVER No. PASSENGER See if the car will start. DRIVER (Tries to start it. Mechanic yelps and jumps back.) Nope. MECHANIC Hey don't do that! DRIVER What's the matter? MECHANIC That hurt! DRIVER Go see what he wants. PASSENGER Me again? Oh mumble under my breath. (to Mechanic) What is it that you want? MECHANIC Let me have that tool laying on top there. PASSENGER It's not hot, is it? MECHANIC No. (Passenger picks it up, yelps, and drops it.) Though you ought to be careful of those sharp edges. PASSENGER Picking it up carefully.) Here. MECHANIC Thanks. (He works. Passenger watches.) This engine looks pretty battered. What have you been running it on? PASSENGER Competition and material self-interest. MECHANIC That will do it. Looks like you haven't been paying all that much attention to maintenance either. PASSENGER No, we believe in laissez-faire mechanics. MECHANICS You mean you've had Frenchmen working on your car? PASSENGER No no, laissez-faire means leave it alone. Ignore it. Leave it to itself, and the engine will run smoothly, just as nature intended. MECHANIC Still don't make sense somehow. I never seen an engine that worked by having all the parts banging against one another like that. PASSENGER It will seem like common sense if you just think about it a while. MECHANIC Ok, I will. (He paces alongside the car, then he paces between the front and back seats, walking through the car. Passenger stares in disbelief.) Well, I thought about it. It still doesn't seem like common sense. I'm going to get back to work. (He gets under the car. Passenger tries to walk through the car and can't. He uses the door and gets back in.) DRIVER What are you doing? PASSENGER I'm pouting. DRIVER Well, quit pouting. There's an election coming up and you can vote for whoever coddles you the most. (Passenger stops pouting.) What did he want? PASSENGER Huh? DRIVER I sent you out to see what he wants. PASSENGER He wants common sense. DRIVER Why do you say that? PASSENGER He doesn't see that laissez-faire is common sense. DRIVER Why, it's not even so complex as common sense, it's more like magic, as the invisible hand moves stealthily... what were you pouting about a moment ago? PASSENGER Why, that guy walking...didn't you see what happened? DRIVER Did it happen in the front seat? PASSENGER No. DRIVER I didn't see it. PASSENGER Don't you notice the rest of the world? DRIVER No, I don't. I think special interests are given too much attention these days. PASSENGER What are you but a special interest? That pessimist might have had a point. I never have really thought the whole thing through. DRIVER I might have to think about sharing some of this space up here. PASSENGER What am I saying, of course you know what is best. DRIVER Of course I do. (The car takes another jolt.) What was that? MECHANIC It's that guy down here again. He says you're really starting to radicalize him now. DRIVER The car doesn't run right when I have to be responsible for other people. MECHANIC (to man under the car.) Oh hey mister, you can let go of those two nibs now. Really appreciate it. DRIVER Well doctor, what's the prognosis? MECHANIC (Looks around realizes the doctor is him.) I'm not a doctor, I'm a mechanic. DRIVER Mechanic then. How's the prognosis? MECHANIC Well, it was bothering me pretty good a couple weeks ago, but I just got a prescription for it and it ain't been too bad. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good right now. DRIVER Yippee. How's the car? MECHANIC Well, I'll tell ya, it's seen better days, getting toward the end of the line if you know what I mean. PASSENGER That's ridiculous. This car has provided the most speed and the highest standard of comfort the world has ever known. MECHANIC Yeah, well, I've worked on a few cars that had the most speed or comfort or whatever it was you said. They all wore out and became obsolete eventually. PASSENGER This one won't. It was made by God and will last forever. MECHANIC Well, I'll tell ya, God doesn't build cars, and as for forever, don't you think that might be wishful thinking? DRIVER Don't underestimate wishful thinking. Presidents have been elected upon it. MECHANIC Maybe you can elect a president out of wishful thinking but you can't build a car out of it. Now I patched it back together, but sometime you're going to have to junk it, or else get such a drastic overhaul it won't really be the same car. If you don't, you better find somebody to push this car of yours, cause it won't run. (He puts his tools away.) DRIVER How are your legs? And your back? PASSENGER I hope you're joking. DRIVER That's just wishful thinking on your part. PASSENGER Can I come up front now? DRIVER No. (Another jolt.) What was that? Those jolts keep getting worse. MECHANIC (Looking under the car.) This guy's still under here. PASSENGER When can I come up front then? MECHANIC And he's still stuck. PASSENGER When for crying out loud? MECHANIC He says he's getting tired of this. PASSENGER You can't stay in the driver's seat forever. I ought to have a chance! It's my turn! MECHANIC He says he's tired of laying in the grease and grime and grit. PASSENGER Why do I have to have things so rough?! DRIVER (to Mechanic) You don't have to be paid immediately, do you? MECHANIC Oh no, I'm keeping track of all repairs. DRIVER Good. MECHANIC Don't worry, you'll pay in full for each patch up job on this old beater. DRIVER I don't have to pay myself, do I? MECHANIC Who else? DRIVER Why the government of course. I can't be expected to take care of my own debts. MECHANIC I thought you wanted government to stay out of your business. DRIVER That's only when I'm making money. MECHANIC (aside) I bet his favorite car is a Chrysler. (exits) DRIVER He forgot to close the hood. Go close it. PASSENGER No. I've had it. I'm not your lackey anymore. You can get out and close it yourself. DRIVER It just might be time to let you dim the headlights. PASSENGER (Closes the hood) Can I move up now? DRIVER It's not safe now. PASSENGER What's the problem? DRIVER What's the problem? I'll tell you what the problem is. I can't drive this car the way I want to anymore. First it's pollution controls, then it's street signs. Then it's more laws, ordinances, regulations, bureaucracy, and restrictions piled up on each other. They're telling me how fast I can go, what part of the road I can drive on, now I have to start watching out for pedestrians. It's a shame if people are getting run over but if they can't compete it's not my fault. This car doesn't run smoothly and efficiently if I can't drive any way I please. Everything is easier when you don't have to be responsible. (Engine noises and blackout.)