Chaplips a 1-act (really a short!) by Ben Ohmart 723 Boal Ave. Boalsburg, PA 16827 fax: 814-466-7555 email: findline@mindspring.com CAST LIST CHARLTON CHAPLIPS - a poor but very clever composer who has a great musical talent as well a lively sense of humor. He's in his 20's and dressed worse than 3 bums. MAYOR - in his 40's and has just won an election, so he wants his party to go right. He has no sense of humor but a lot of forced charm. BOY - is a young man who passes out flyers. He'll double for TRINTON. LANDLADY - is opinionated and rich. She's around 45 and thinks she's got musical talent. She'll double for WOMAN who sings. MAYOR'S WIFE - is also in her 40's and loves classical music. She'll double for ANOTHER WOMAN. EDNA - a beautiful waitress who'd rather be an artist. She thinks CHAPLIPS is very funny and is the only one who believes in him. She's 25. CHORUS/WAITERS/GUESTS - consist of the other five people besides CHAPLIPS. Note: the play's designed so only 6 people, 3 men and 3 women, are needed bu t it'd be great if more people could be used, for a fuller looking party and CHORUS. TIME This year. PLACE New York City. SETTING A street, then a semi-vacant apartment, then a backyard garden party. (A street. A teenage BOY is handing out flyers to the passersby. It's a cold day in New York and everyone is bundled up. CHARLTON, a very poor composer, crosses the stage carrying an old sack. Music #1 starts. CHARLTON is a cross between Charlie Chaplin and a young modern bum, since his aged clothes have been held together by a very clever mind. CHARLTON passes the BOY and takes a flyer. He circles around so BOY can't see him and takes another. He does it several times, taking on different personalities each time) BOY. (Calling out to the people as they pass) Come on, folks. Take one, will ya? I got a wife to feed. And I'm getting paid for this. Here. Just take - Hey! Come on. Take.. (But the only one who keeps grabbing for them is CHARLTON. BOY becomes aware of this soon. CHARLTON comes around but BOY doesn't hand him one. CHARLTON looks at him, tips his hat and uses his beat up cane, which has a nail at the end for picking up paper, to tip BOY's flyers out of his hands. BOY gives a yell and takes a swing at CHARLTON, who promptly moves. CHARLTON taps BOY on the shoulder, and once turned around, gives BOY a gentle push on the rear which sends BOY on his face to the ground. Using his cane, CHARLTON picks up the stack of papers with his stick and walks away quickly. As lights die down:) Hey! What the hell do you think you're doing? Get the -! You better be gone when I get up! (Lights change the scene from here to CHARLTON's apartment. It's a dismal place; no light except for what filters through the two windows. No heat, except what CHARLTON can get from a wood-burning heater/stove in the center of the room. It's all been turned off from lack of payment. No furniture except a chair and a small table in front of the fire. And these two pieces have been whittled down as much as possible for fire wood. The three visible walls have had long, large music staves drawn on them so that it looks like he's surrounded by three huge sheets of music paper. CHARLTON enters his room, as happy as ever, and drops his bag down, making can-clinking sounds. He takes the flyers from under his arm and opens the heater door. With a book of matches, that he probably stole from some restaurant, he tries to light his fire, but there's nothing in there to light. From his bag, he removes a large tree branch and places it in the stove. He lights it. Takes off his coat, showing the huge holes in his shirt, and puts it on the chair. He straightens his tie and shivers. He starts chucking his flyers into the heater. From out of one of the dark corners of his room, he produces a big box of books: paperback and hardcover both. A knock at the door. Quickly, CHARLTON empties the big bag he was carrying. It's filled with tin cans, magazines and odds and ends. After closing the door of the heater, he places the bag over it, and it fits perfectly. CHARLTON takes a pair of homemade scissors from his pocket: two bread knives wired together to produce a scissors effect. He picks up a book. Another knock. CHARLTON tries to clear his throat to say "come in" but he's very dry. He looks at the book, pretending to read, but has it backwards and is reading the cover. The LANDLADY comes in; she can't wait any longer. CHARLTON tips his hat) LANDLADY. I thought it might've been you, Mr. Chaplips. I think you've been avoiding me the last couple weeks. Sorry I burst in. (CHARLTON shakes his head "no" and kisses her hand, then shines it for her) I thought of what I think is a lovely way to end that movement. If we could just - why. Where is your paper? (CHARLTON yawn and motions that he's very sleepy) Well why don't you say something? What? What's the matter? (CHARLTON motions that his throat's dry, and pours an invisible drink; that's what he needs) Oh, I know. Out all day. Looking for work. It is cold, isn't it? Why, it's just - Hmm. It's a little warm around here, though, isn't it? (Feels around the stove. CHARLTON runs to head her off, and motions that he's something to show her. Into another dark corner he comes back with a thick pad of music paper and a music stand. The music paper has been written on, front and back, so much that it's beginning to look like a newspaper) Oh, Mr. Chaplips. The movement. That is wonderful. (CHARLTON tries to set his music on the music stand, but several parts of it are missing, including some of the bars of its back which keep the paper from falling off. After a moment of this he gives up and puts it on the table. As LANDLADY stares at it, CHARLTON moves closer to the lit stove and shakes himself around to keep warm) Now this part here. Here? (She hums) I was thinking. Where it stops - here. Of.. (She hums her own continuation. To himself, CHARLTON hates it, but to her, he loves it) I was inspired. Inspired! By the very things that inspired you, I'm sure, Mr. Chaplips. My cousin, you know, the one you are so eager to hear of every week. She is working on her composition, and, though this is nothing like what she was thinking of, it reminded me and inspired on a new direction. And I thought of this.. (She hums her tune again. Music #2 starts. CHARLTON simply nods. CHARLTON moves to the table and as LANDLADY speaks, he uses his scissors to cut out every scrap of paper that's not needed for the words; that is, he cuts along the sentences and paragraphs and at the tops and bottoms of pages. LANDLADY doesn't ever notice this) You, of course, know that that's where my cousin gets her talent from. My side of the family. Because I used to play the trombone in high school. But I had to give it up because my lip gave out and I could never feel the boy's kisses anymore. I had to decide. And I made a decision, which was more important. You know? (He smiles at her; she sniffs the air) What's that smell? What is -? Didn't I tell you, Mr. Chaplips, time and again, there is to be no fires or cooking of any kind in this apartment? Didn't I? - Where is it? (CHARLTON tries to speak but still can't. He gets an idea. He hands her an old fashion pen and ink well from his pocket, and motions to the score) What? You really want me to just write it in? Oh. Just like last time. And we'll share the royalties, then, won't we, Mister - I mean.. Charlton. (She laughs to herself; he wants to laugh and throw up at the same time. CHARLTON puts his paper scraps in a pile. LANDLADY dips the pen in the ink well but nothing happens. She looks at him. He shrugs and smoothly puts the scissors back in his pocket) I'd like to help you out, but.. (CHARLTON sees that there's no ink. He takes the scissors out once again and stabs himself in the arm with them. He motions for her to draw the "ink" from his arm. She's not sure, but decides to. She then writes her collaborative effort) This is only half the reason, Charlton. That I barged in. You did mention before that you wanted me to keep my eye out. For.. - well, it so happens my cousin told me of a contest just last night. And - what's this? (Notices the flyers and picks one up. She reads it and laughs at it. CHARLTON is very excited about the mention of a contest. He stops her from giving her attention to the flyer) Yes, that's right. Some kind of composition contest. You know, you should really take care of that throat. A scarf or something - (He motions for her to tell him more about the contest) Well. All you need is a copy of the score. And a tape of the thing, and.. (He motions that she can stop right there. He goes about his business as she continues to talk. CHARLTON will take his shoes off, get sponge houseslippers that look like they've been taken from the stuffing of a couch, put them on his feet and tie them to his ankles with long blades of grass; during:) Anyway, I knew to tell you right away, because if anyone could win it, we could. You are such a master. I still remember how it thrilled me to hear your "Discomfiture" at the auditorium that time. Simply grand. (It doesn't matter if all this talk is upstaged; no one listens to her anyway. After putting his houseslippers on, CHARLTON moves to the scattered contents of the bag and picks up a small plastic bottle; probably an empty Tic Tac container or Yoo Hoo bottle. He picks up a sheet of paper with melted wax on it. From the things on the floor he finds a little plate and lights the wax paper, then tosses it in the plate) The deadline's not until next month. The first of it, I believe. Which is... uh.. as I recall another good reason for you to try. Since you are two months behind on your rent. Ha, ha, not that I mind, understand.. as we are fellow patrons of the arts.. but - two thousand dollars is a lot of money. (CHARLTON falls to the floor from surprise, then raises himself again; LANDLADY helps him up) Good lord! What happened to you? Been out in the cold too long. God. (But CHARLTON just wants her to keep talking about the money. She doesn't understand, so he does a few short bits of business miming money) Oh! It's two thousand dollars. I'm not sure what the rule about collaboration is, but that'll be easy to find out. My cousin will bring the details.. All you need is a score and a tape and - (CHARLTON is crushed once again; he forgot about the tape) Oh yeah. Yeah. I know what you're going to say. I know. How can you make a demo tape when you haven't the money to employ the people to make it and that if you had the money of your own you could put on your own production which would thereby negate you from the contract. Yeah, that's right. If you've had a production of it already, you're ineligible. Impossible. Which reminds me. You still haven't returned my tape recorder from three months ago. When you wanted to do that - (She's interrupted as CHARLTON passes her a small slip of paper) What's this? (CHARLTON, still very unhappy, motions "all's square now") A "pawn ticket"? What's a pawn? Does it record in stereo? (CHARLTON writes down the pawn ticket's real meaning. She reads it and slaps him. He re-reads the ticket, thinking he may've written something he didn't intend. But it says what he wrote) I can't believe you'd do this to me! I gave you that tape recorder in good friendship. Out of a desire to help you. The less fortunate. I have countless buildings around here, that I own part of. It's not that I need the recorder. But. You, you just better have that rent by the first of the month. That's all I've got to say about it. I'm as fair as the next two people. But the first of the month! And not even the contest will help you that soon! (She slams the door on the way out. CHALTON chucks his paper scraps into the fire, after uncovering the stove and opening the door. He tears blank pages from the end of his hardback books, then cuts some more spaces in between sentences. As he does this, he starts to hum his opera, though we don't know what this is yet. Music #3 starts and lights illuminate the music paper walls. It fades away and CHARLTON has noticed none of this. Toning down the books as much as possible, he now continues throwing the flyers in the fire. He does this to a rhythm. But he drops the last one on the floor. He picks it up and reads it as he begins to let the fire have it. Suddenly, he jerks it out, but it's already on fire. He stomps on it; the fire's out. He reads it slowly, then looks at the audience and smiles. Lights up full, as if he's had an idea, then back to normal. His brain is working now, and he hurries to do all he has to do. From under a pillow in a dark corner, CHARLTON gets his keyboard. Not able to afford a piano anymore, he's drawn on a keyboard face onto a large piece of cardboard. He finishes his homemade candle by pouring the wax into the small plastic container. He sticks a wick in it and lights it. He takes his real composition from underneath the pile LANDLADY was writing on, and, with his pen, is ready to compose. Music #4. He plays for a moment, hearing the music in his head, hits a flat key that doesn't belong, and works out the chord. He writes this down. He continues playing. Something sounds familiar. He goes to one of the walls and searches for a particular phrase of music. He finds it. He composes for a minute more, the fatigue from such energy is exhausting CHARLTON. He realizes something that stops him cold. He pulls out his pockets. He quickly runs to get the cans that are littering the floor. He brings them and the music stand closer to the table. Then with the help of a handmade saw, he starts cutting the already dislocated stand away, putting a small piece of metal into each aluminum can so it'll weigh more. He does a few cans, then thinks of another phrase of music. Music #5. He writes it down. He hurries between these two jobs as fast as he can, and as often as inspirations come to his thoughts. He finally starts slowing down; he can't keep this pace. The walls are once again lighting up. Now they are transparent and PEOPLE in "arty" positions can be seen through the walls. CHARLTON falls asleep. Music #6. The PEOPLE of the SL wall move into a different position; the other two walls are unlit. They will continue to move as if they're doing a ballet. During this, they speak as CHORUS #1:) CHORUS #1. (Slowly) He did a ballet that the critics adored. Though less was the enthusiasm for any dance or any of the music. (Pause for more dance) We often wished to thank him. For giving us life. But stuck here on this wall.. (Pause for more dance) But still we live in an imagination. Even after we're out of print from lack of use. We dance. We love to dance. But there's not much room on a wall. (The dancing here fades as the lights dim on SL wall. Lights up on SR wall. Through the screen these people are staged as if acting an opera. This is CHORUS #2. Note: the time from chorus to chorus needn't be immediate, so the PEOPLE from one chorus may double in the others) CHORUS #2. His opera, written at age one, was published, and popular within a certain group, but it wasn't regarded as having the power. The scope, as some of his earlier works. In four acts, it was the story of a master who lost his dog and so was forced to sup by nasturtiums through a cold winter. (Pause for dramatic effect) Charlton - we may call him that - is genius of such importance, that, naturally, no one knows who he is. That is the way of composers. Serious composers. (Pause for dramatic effect) If he'd been born with wealth like Cole Porter, we may've had to give up this glorious music rather than keep it all to ourselves. In the world of one man's dream. Luckily he doesn't snore. So we enjoy it. We are alive! (Light fades on SR wall and come up on the middle wall. This CHORUS #3 pretends to be playing instruments, as passionately as they wish to play) CHORUS #3. Last year he was commissioned for a chamber piece, which later became an unfinished opera. It is known by simply the title - "Bathwater". Needless to say, since it was not a modern piece, that is, the musicians could easily play it, it was thrown out by most major critics. We were his last light. But the electricity is not off yet. We are all jealous of his new work. His dreams still invade us with gifts of a future, though latent, masterpiece. It drifts through our music like a misguided ghost. And it scares us. For, will we be forgotten? We've an audience of one now. So it concerns us. But though we only sell one ticket, we do not think that this one will ever fall awake on us. For his mind is as open as a bottomless pit. And what he lacks in pit, he makes up for in pitch. Good luck, Charlton. (The music stops abruptly and CHARLTON wakes. The walls fall away and a garden party set is at once visible. There's nothing left of the poor apartment and CHARLTON has vanished. The CHORUS members are now GUESTS at this important occasion. It's the MAYOR's after-election party, and the MAYOR and his WIFE are circulating among the GUESTS, shaking hands and smiling. A WAITRESS enters and offers snacks to the GUESTS. Note: in order to make this play work with six people, a GUEST will have to from time to time slip out and put on a WAITER jacket to double as the "help", and vice versa. People drift in and out throughout for this purpose) TRINTON. Congratulations, Mayor. A splendid job. Really top notch. You had those people actually believing you're the best man for the job. MAYOR. I'd like to think I am, Trinton. TRINTON. Hey, I voted for you. Nothing to worry about. You just keep that office clean. Don't make me report you. MAYOR. (Laughs) I've seen the way you handle your paper, Trinton. You could edit the alphabet to start with W and get away with it. (TRINTON takes a glass from the WAITRESS and holds it up in smiling allegiance) Have you ever met my wife? (TRINTON shakes his head. EDNA, a beautiful young woman wearing a server's suit, enters with a tray of goodies, which she puts down to help set up some band equipment on the side of the stage. This equipment need only be a music stand or two and two or three chairs, giving the impression that this is the first row of the band stand and that the rest of the large set up is off stage. Once completed, EDNA picks up the snack tray again. She looks tired and her feet are killing her, but still she tries to smile. These GUESTS are yuppies and sometimes a beeper may go off, someone may talk on a portable phone, etc.) EDNA. Treat, Mayor? MAYOR. Thank you, honey. Darling? MAYOR'S WIFE. Yes, thanks. MAYOR. Is the entire staff ready? EDNA. I believe they're all in uniform, Mayor. I'm Edna if you need anything. MAYOR. (As EDNA moves off to serve others. To his WIFE:) Good. I didn't know if they'd all be ready in time. Advertising by flyers.. MAYOR'S WIFE. It's not your fault there was a strike. MAYOR. Well, hopefully that's something I'll be able to do something about, now that - MAYOR'S WIFE. Save it for the guests, sweet. (CHARLTON enters outside the garden party, carrying a small bag which looks like four pieces of material taped together. There is a small bench outside the garden area. CHARLTON sits. EDNA enters with an empty tray and sits beside him, not noticing him. He raises his hat but she doesn't see; she just takes off a shoe and rubs her foot. CHARLTON, forming an idea, quickly writes something on a card with a small pencil, both of which are from his bag. She sees him and jumps up, causing CHARLTON to jump. He tips his hat) EDNA. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought - you must be one of the guests. I'm afraid this area is off limits to... (He hands her the card) Huh? "I am just a poor composer with a quest. I had to steal my landlady's pawn ticket to bring a tape-recorder." That does explain a lot. (CHARLTON takes the card back and writes some more) No, no. I really should be getting back to the party. If you're a guest, the entrance is through the front of the house. All right? (With her empty tray, she goes back to the party. CHARLTON is sad for a moment. Music #7: a piano warming up. CHARLTON is renewed with hope; he runs off. The piano/keyboard continues to warm up) MAYOR'S WIFE. Edna. Where are the drinks? And the men in white jackets? Not a whole lot around here. Is there? EDNA. Enough, I think, ma'am. Ratio of five guests to a server. MAYOR'S WIFE. Smart girl. EDNA. Studying to be a computer. (Shouts of surprise and disgust from off, as CHARLTON enters, trying to act like royalty, as if he belongs here. EDNA can't help laughing at him) MAYOR'S WIFE. (To CHARLTON) I'm sorry, sir, do I know you? This is a post-election party. If you'll be - (He hands her a card. She reads:) "The Rev. James F. Cooper"? But where's - (CHARLTON realizes he forgot his white collar, so quickly turns from her, sticks a white sticker on his collar and turns back around) Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't see it. So much of a honor to have you here. You're that chaplin, aren't you? The one who gives of himself so much to the poor. I saw you on tv once. (She laughs. He laughs with her, makes as to strike her, but just pretends his hand's raised to request a drink, which EDNA does; who can hardly keep from laughing) You know you must tell me about life after death. (CHARLTON makes a sleeping gesture. MAYOR'S WIFE pretends to laugh) Oh, rev., you say the funniest things. (CHARLTON pretends to enjoy himself, then stops a yawn. MAYOR'S WIFE stops, realizing he hasn't said anything) What's the matter with your voice? (He hands her a card which she reads) "Bad cold. The doctor says I'm not to talk until." Until? Until when? (CHARLTON shrugs. He draws a sudden line across his neck indicating death, does his sleeping motion then laughs; he's trying to belong to the party. MAYOR comes to wife and whispers something in her ear. To CHARLTON:) If you'll excuse me.. (She exits) MAYOR. Good evening, sir. (CHARLTON tips his hat and drinks, after taking a glass from a passing tray) I don't believe we know each other. I'm Mayor Buckle. And you are..? (CHARLTON tips his hat again, then indicates he's got a sore throat. He coughs at MAYOR who turns away politely) Yes, of course. Well I'm glad you could make it. I always said. We have to stick together, all of us. If we want to make this community tops. Tops in the state. (CHARLTON keeps drinking and tips his hat again. He keeps tipping his hat to MAYOR throughout, giving him continuous respect) You know my wife, then? You must be on her guest list. For the life of me I can't - (WAITER enters and CHARLTON one by one cleans the tray of treats until he can hardly balance his napkin. WAITER leaves. CHARLTON eats, slowly and with pleasure, tipping his hat when he has the chance, during the following:) She gives a delightful party, don't you think? Why, she picked out the complete color scheme of the bash all herself. Even to the plastic on the inside breakfast tea chairs. Why, do you know how many kinds of plastic are readily available to the consumer public? Shades of degrees of peeling; which ones are more sticky than others; environmentally foolproof. Oh, the assortments abound in mindbending quantities. Recycled napkins. Even the food -(CHARLTON looks at him) She developed the menu herself. (CHARLTON is relieved and tips his hat) But of course, I'm sure you know what a treasure my wedded partner is. How long have you known her? (EDNA enters and sets up mic in front of the band's space. She exits to help the GUESTS as a WOMAN steps behind the mic. This, over:) I believe even the lighting was in her charge. She left nothing to chance. And I don't mean just the natural structure of the shadow effects against the people contrasting to the sunlight, but everything. Even the choosing of the wattage of every light, right down to screwing them in herself. She was a decorator before we married. Perhaps she redefined your living room once? (CHARLTON sees the WOMAN in front of the mic and hands what's left of his food to the MAYOR. CHARLTON runs offstage) WOMAN. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I love being here for the celebration. Ladies and gentlemen - our new Mayor! (Applause from on stage and off. WOMAN directs her attention to all sides, as playing for a yard full of people in different directions) I'm very happy to have you in office finally. I've pitched for you as I'm sure everyone here tonight has. It's a special privilege being called upon like this today. (While she says her speech, CHARLTON runs back on with his music and very determined. He sees a WAITER who himself has a pile of music and is merely awaiting his cue to deliver it "on stage". CHARLTON sizes him up for a minute to see if his waiter's outfit will fit him. CHARLTON takes a drink from a near tray and spills it on WAITER. He begs the man's apologies and helps WAITER off with his white jacket. When CHARLTON attempts removal of his white vest WAITER stops him. Not to be haulted, CHARLTON takes another glass from the tray and throws it on WAITER's vest, then helps him off with it, to the WAITER's protests. All this is during:) I hadn't really expected to be called upon to give any kind of entertainment. I really wasn't prepared. But I was prevailed upon by our gracious Mrs. Buckle just outside the house. I guess she wants me for a warm-up for the real music that certainly be on its way. I didn't think she'd do all this for me. So.. just the piano's good enough for me.. (Polite laughs. CHARLTON is out of drinks since he's been spilling them over WOMAN's talk, so he must use whatever else he can find, including treats, grass and dirt from the floor, whatever he has in his pockets, etc. WATIER is wise to this and stops him. CHARLTON still tries to help him off with his pants, but WAITER takes his hands away. He starts to shout at CHARLTON but CHARLTON points to WOMAN and motions "shh", so they shout silently. WAITER grabs CHARLTON by the coat, but he easily slips out of it and goes behind WAITER to try to remove the pants another way. WAITER turns around and kicks CHARLTON in the pants. CHARLTON kicks him back then continues to try to get WAITER's clothes off. WAITER stops him and spits in his eyes, CHARLTON looks up to see if it's raining and checks to make sure his music is protected under his jacket. WAITER kicks CHARLTON, and he falls down. CHARLTON stands like one insulted, takes off his right-hand glove and slaps WAITER with his bare hand. WAITER starts to do the same, but CHARLTON stops him, motioning that he's still got one glove to go. WAITER angrily waits for the final insult, and as WAITER watches the misdirection of CHARLTON's removing the other glove, CHARLTON hits him with his right hand. WAITER is out cold and now CHARLTON changes clothes with him. Luckily, they are in a section which can't be seen by anyone else. As this action happened, WOMAN has lowered her tone, still speaking complete sentences, but it's nothing that can be easily heard. She speaks in normal tone now) But who am I to disappoint a host as important as him. I'd just like to say that I completely agree with your proposals both for and against the abortion issue. Now. I would like to sing a selection - now don't ask me how long it is - from Cynthia's own favorite arrangement of classical music. Let's hear it for Cynthia Buckle! (Applause) Thanks for asking me. Now I don't know what her favorites include, but I'm sure they're in the best of taste. Now, I think all I really need is a piano. (Piano warms up behind her) Oh! Great. Now. Music, please. (CHARLTON enters "on stage" in his WAITER's costume, which fits as well as he could make it. MAYOR is involved in a conversation with another person so he doesn't see the following. CHARLTON places a music stand in front of her then places the music on it. One sheet gets away; he replaces it and two slip away; CHARLTON continues this until all the papers won't behave and they're obviously out of order. CHARLTON keeps this up in dead silence for a couple moments before he's finally able to sort it out. He starts to leave then puts a certain page in front. He leaves the "stage" with his pride complete. WOMAN has been rigid through the whole routine and it takes her a moment to snap out of it. Piano intro. WOMAN leaves for a second with the music, then returns) Just giving the piano player his stack. It seems two of.. (Piano intro, then a lot of shuffling heard. Finally, silence. WOMAN is ready to sing. As WOMAN left the stage, CHARLTON found a loaf of bread and inserted the tape recorder in it after first pressing the record button. He now puts the bread on a tray and raises it high before him; he's directly in front "off stage", just far enough away to record it properly. As WOMAN draws her breath to sing the first note, ANOTHER WOMAN coughs. WOMAN pauses and piano intro's given again. ANOTHER WOMAN coughs at the wrong moment again but WOMAN starts to sing. Music # 8. She sings it beautifully and CHARLTON tries to listen but ANOTHER WOMAN keeps coughing. Finally he puts the bread at WOMAN's feet and hurries over to ANOTHER WOMAN. Whatever he does, he's got to do it quickly so he steals a glass from a GUEST and ANOTHER WOMAN drinks it, but coughing as she does it. CHARLTON keeps glancing at WOMAN to make sure nothing interferes. CHARLTON procures a 2 liter bottle of something from a passing WAITER and tries to stuff the leaking contents down her throat. This doesn't help; she's still coughing. He throws the bottle away, probably hitting someone, then pats her on the back, more and more violently until she bends over and he hits himself and almost knocks himself out. He keeps patting her back, looking away, but she turns around and he's feeling on her front now. When he realizes it, he stops and tips his hat. Nothing's helping the poor, coughing lady and CHARLTON is becoming frantic now. He keeps patting her, but harder so that she's kept off balance and they keep doing this across the stage; he's obviously trying to get her far away. He does this as far as he can, then kicks her out. He feels better and runs to lift up the bread again, but the aria's over. People applaud. CHARLTON is pleased. EDNA has been trying hard not to laugh, witnessing CHARLTON's trial with the woman, but now that the applause sounds, she busts out. She's carrying a tray of drinks in one hand and a small tray of treats in the other. CHARLTON full of confidence, takes time out to chat up EDNA) WOMAN. That's all for the moment. I have a few suggestions to make to the piano player. If you'll excuse me.. (She goes off stage to piano. CHARLTON is trying to impress EDNA with his cleverness. She is charmed by him and laughs occasionally. He does silly things with his drinks and treats and puts on a little show for her involving his cane and hat; whatever the director or actor chooses. He starts to ask her out on a date and EDNA knows what he's talking about) EDNA. Oh. I don't know.. Out with you? (CHARLTON motions that he's just a shy boy, then falls over in a funny way to break her concentration about the offer. She laughs. He points at his throat) You know, you really shouldn't put yourself out in the cold so often. I only wear this short dress because it's uniform. It's awfully cold. (He rubs her arms quickly to warm her blood. EDNA continues to laugh at him no matter what he does; she can't help it. He tips his hat. The GUEST who's been talking to MAYOR finally leaves and MAYOR sees CHARLTON. He starts over, furious. But LANDLADY enters and she intercepts him. LANDLADY doesn't see CHARLTON but he sees her, and tries to hide behind EDNA politely. EDNA keeps turning around, wondering what he's doing but he keeps up with her, hiding like an expert. Even when EDNA starts passing out treats to the other people, CHARLTON follows closely behind, not to be left out in the open. EDNA still doesn't know what he's doing. MAYOR'S WIFE enters and starts talking to LANDLADY and MAYOR. CHARLTON sets his bread down where he placed it before) MAYOR'S WIFE. It's going to be a few minutes before Agatha starts up again. They still haven't the papers properly arranged. I swear! That little man... MAYOR. Beautiful music. Simply grand. MAYOR'S WIFE. If you've heard a note, it's amazing. I've seen you. Talking business. MAYOR. The affairs of state, my dear. MAYOR'S WIFE. And city. I suggest you place your ad in the Times, darling. Saving the money for ad placement and going for the man in the street isn't going to get the top quality. Votes, yes.. MAYOR. What are you talking about? MAYOR'S WIFE. That little man. (To LANDLADY) Didn't you see the mess he'd made? (LANDLADY shakes her head "no") LANDLADY. I've been in your lovely garden. It's quite wonderful. I heard the music from there. It lifted me away. It was quite.. tranquil. As though I've heard it before - MAYOR'S WIFE. That wasn't my arrangement. I hadn't heard that piece before. Though I must say - LANDLADY. But I understood that it was your - MAYOR'S WIFE. No. But those themes.. and tones... MAYOR. Ethel. Those trays are just about empty. Refill in the kitchen, will you? (EDNA bows then exits. CHARLTON, moving like an athlete, hides behind MAYOR. MAYOR'S WIFE and LANDLADY go off to talk by themselves. LANDLADY never sees CHARLTON. As MAYOR turns around to wave at a GUEST, he feels something strange behind him. He makes a quick leap, turning, but CHARLTON keeps up. A minute or two more of MAYOR trying to find out if there's someone behind him, then MAYOR tricks him with a double turn and he's face to face with CHARLTON who tips his hat and offers him a drink from a nearby tray) What are you doing here? You're nothing but a waiter. What right have you to eat my eats and drink my drinks, when I'm paying you to do it? (CHARLTON motions that he didn't realize he was getting paid for this and holds out his hand for compensation. MAYOR slaps it) You've got a lot of nerve. The hell with you! You're nothing but a waiter. A tramp! I never want to see your ugly little face around here as long as I'm Mayor. And that's going to be for quite a long time, I can tell you! (During this, CHARLTON stands and takes the abuse with smiles. He's trying to remain inconspicuous from the shouts and pretends he's the MAYOR's friend. He pats MAYOR on the back and laughs with him, being chummy. MAYOR wants no part of this and keeps trying to get CHARLTON's hands away from him) Would you quit that? What's the matter with you? If you ever come near my house or anyone in my family again, I'll have you shot. You understand? And I can get away with it too, because I'm Mayor. I have the power. And what are you! That you should invade my house, a private party like this, which is just a simply little celebra - would you stop! Celebration because of my - Stop that! Clear off! You get out of here. I mean it! Don't come back! (MAYOR's even madder now. He starts to throw CHARLTON out but CHARLTON delays him by every funny trick he can think of, including putting a WAITER between himself and MAYOR. CHARLTON trips the MAYOR, gives him a glass to drink when he grasp reaches for him, spilling the drinks on him afterwards, etc. to delay his removal. WAITER finally ducks down, much to CHARLTON's surprise, and moves off which leaves him open for MAYOR's now insane hands. He's being thrown out, very roughly and as EDNA passes, CHARLTON still tips his hat to her. MAYOR inadvertently bangs CHARLTON into LANDLADY and MAYOR'S WIFE) EDNA. Stop that! You're hurting him! Be careful with him, he's not hurting anyone. (LANDLADY sees who it is) LANDLADY. Why, all the nerve of the little man! Sir - where is my ticket of pawn. It was not on my person a full ten minutes after I said goodbye to you in my room. You came there with that purpose in mind, didn't you? Admit it! (CHARLTON pauses seriously, removes his hat and gives a bow in affirmation. She can't believe it) Mr. Chaplips. I shall have to ask you to pay up immediately or I'll have no choice but to throw you out. (CHARLTON shows that his pockets, hat, shirt and shoes are bare) All right then. Out you go. You haven't treated me well. And after all the help I've given you with your music. Yes, I am wealthy and own apartment complexes all around this city, but I wouldn't have any of that if I was to waste it on such irresponsible and unappreciative trash like you. That was the last straw. MAYOR. (About EDNA) It's her fault. She's the one. They always stick together. This is a friend of hers. They've been talking all day. EDNA. I only just - MAYOR. Yes, that's very nice. But you're fired. Now take your friend and get out. I don't hire people who invite their friends to my parties - (CHARLTON is truly insulted for the first time and slaps MAYOR's hand away. MAYOR is too shocked to do anything about it. CHARLTON attempts to explain his situation but finds that his voice still doesn't work, so he acts it all out by charades. This could take up to five minutes, but that's fine, since CHARLTON now reveals to the others the entire events of the play up to now, excluding the CHORUS speeches which he was unaware of, through pantomime. He does this very well and with great dexterity. Only EDNA is impressed as well as interested; the others are mind-boggled as to what he's doing. He finishes, breathing hard. EDNA applauds then turns to the others to translate) EDNA. Isn't that clear? (The others nod "no") Mr. Chaplips is a - excuse me, Charlton - is a poor composer with no funds whatsoever so when he heard through flyers that there was to be a party with live music, something strange in today's world, and then found out through his Landlady, that beautiful person over there, that there is an opera contest being offered. It's deadline is the first of the month and the amount is two thousand dollars. So Charlton came here to switch the music, for the entire day's festivities, which may or may not give him enough for the tape. A tape and score of the work must be submitted, but if he has a production of it, it's void from entry. He sold his piano long ago for food and heat, and so what could he do? How do you record something if you're poor and the only two ways to record it is to pay people to sing it, or to have a production of it, which would make it ineligible for the contest. The only two impossible choices. He says it's the same for musicals, not just operas. Two impossible choices for him. So he made a third choice. And you're going to throw a genius out who can make such beautiful music, like you heard, throw him out because he was hungry and thirsty? (Everyone looks at her, even more amazed then CHARLTON's performance. EDNA understands the stares) I've worked at a lot of parties, so I know charades well. (MAYOR shakes himself out of the stupor and snaps to a WAITER. MAYOR'S WIFE exits) MAYOR. (To WAITER) Help me throw the garbage out, will you? WAITER. Yes, sir. (MAYOR and WAITER grab CHARLTON and EDNA and begin to lead them off. But when EDNA resists and they treat her roughly, CHARLTON strikes back. He fights the abducters in his comic way and leads them away from EDNA. When MAYOR and WAITER jump for him, he moves away quickly and runs for his bread, so that they miss him. He takes the bread but his adversaries are blocking his path. CHARLTON tries to tip his hat and just pass through but they seize him and his bread, and they struggle over it. The tape recorder falls to the ground in a moment, broken. CHARLTON falls limp and watches MAYOR as he takes the tape out of the recorder and plants it in a dip on the WAITER's tray) MAYOR. That's the end of that! (He lets CHARLTON walk over sadly to pluck his tape from the dip. EDNA is very sorry for him) EDNA. Oh, I'm sorry, Charlton. Cheer up. I'm cheerful! (When CHARLTON wipes the dip away from the tape, he unintentionally flicks it on MAYOR who is renewed with rage. MAYOR starts to throw them both out again, with as much force as ever. MAYOR'S WIFE enters, carrying a portable phone) MAYOR'S WIFE. Stop! (Used to obeying his wife's commands, MAYOR releases his grip from the two) MAYOR. What? What is it, dear? I'm just throwing these two - MAYOR'S WIFE. In. Yes, thank you. MAYOR. But this man has just - MAYOR'S WIFE. Made the most beautiful music I've ever music. I really did like your composition, Mr... EDNA. Chaplips. MAYOR'S WIFE. Of course. MAYOR. What's the meaning of this - MAYOR'S WIFE. You weren't even listening, Sandy. Shush! But I was. To everything that was said. I was standing right over there. And I made a few phone calls, dear. I even talked it over with the Bushes and the Reagans over there, who also heard the composition. It was only one aria, but what an impact! Oh, Mr. - (CHARLTON holds up his hand and makes a gesture, which EDNA interprets as:) EDNA. Please call him Charlton, ma'am. MAYOR'S WIFE. Of course. Everyone agrees. I'm only glad my usual arrangement was.. tampered with, shall we say? (CHARLTON pretends to laugh at her every word, but he's very interested in what she has to say) MAYOR. What are you saying? I want these two out - so I can get on with my party. MAYOR'S WIFE. Charlton. I would like to sponsor the recording of your opera. For the contest. I don't want any of the proceeds when you win, but full credit as to your patronage. (Cries of outrage from MAYOR and WAITER, and disbelief from the rest. CHARLTON runs to her and starting with her fingers starts to kissing her up her arm, neck, etc. to her face. MAYOR angrily breaks this up) MAYOR. I don't care what you - (MAYOR'S WIFE is flushed by the attention. MAYOR tries to hit CHARLTON, who slides out of the way with ease back to MAYOR'S WIFE's side) MAYOR'S WIFE. The call I just made. Charlton. You have a studio set up for recording your score. Is that all right? (He's about to show his gratitude again) No, that's all right. A handshake is fine. (He almost shakes her arm from the socket) I believe in you, Mr. Chaplips. Charlton. And from what I've seen you go through, I think you believe in it, too. MAYOR. I will not stand it! That man has made a mockery out of the very - MAYOR'S WIFE. Oh, honey. I would really hate to have to find Mr. Trinton through all these people and mention to him that you're paying these servers less than minimum wage. (A long pause from MAYOR) MAYOR. It does have that certain hummable quality. (CHARLTON moves to LANDLADY, bringing over the tape recorder. He hands it to her in a grand manner) LANDLADY. Why you -! (She looks at MAYOR'S WIFE and wants to ingratiate herself well) Really shouldn't give it back yet. Keep it for as long as you need it. (He still gives it to her, with a tip of the hat) That's what I like about you, Mr. Chaplips. A sense of humor. Everyone should have one, don't you agree? Because you realize I was just kidding about that "Get out!" business. I want you to stay at least until the contest winner is announced, and I, like you, Lady Mayor, know the result already. (Everyone smiles; some forced, others legitimate) MAYOR. (To EDNA) I'm still going to have to let you go, Miss. Edna. MAYOR'S WIFE. Sandy! MAYOR. That's one thing you're not going to change my mind on, honey. Do whatever you like with your money. You earn it. But I'm not going to have someone around who consciously undermines my authority. I detest her behavior and don't mind saying so. (To EDNA) I'm sorry. I don't care for your attitude. I deserve respect and expect it from all who are in my charge. No more, no less. If I had a sense of humor, I wouldn't be in politics. EDNA. (A shrug) I always wanted to be an artist anyway. You're not the only party in town, Mr. Mayor. MAYOR'S WIFE. (To EDNA) I'm sorry, dear. (To CHARLTON) How will this Saturday at nine in the morning be? Go to Tupper Studios, Charlton. All is arranged. And you will hear from me. (CHARLTON has been doing dances of joy and other happy tricks during the above conversations, but now gives his attention most readily to MAYOR'S WIFE. He nods "yes" and tips his hat. He starts to go, then thinks about EDNA and gives his arm to her which she takes. They start out together) MAYOR. (To EDNA) And don't count on my reference. I don't appreciate workers who bring their friends to my parties. As I've said. (Before leaving, CHARLTON takes a treat from the WAITER's tray. He finds that he has voice) CHARLTON. I don't like your attitude either, sir. (He tips his hat to MAYOR and hands LANDLADY the bread which concealed the tape recorder and tips his hat to her. He gives MAYOR a backward kick in the butt, so that MAYOR doesn't know where it came from. MAYOR looks at LANDLADY, but realizes she couldn't've done it so blows an angry sigh in CHARLTON's direction. He tips his hat for all and he and EDNA quickly exit. A short pause, as the party tries to get back to normal. But CHARLTON runs back in; he's forgotten his music. He grabs both copies fast from the "stage" then saunters majestically out. Lights dim) THE END