Coach Kingston Tells It Like It Is (c)Mark Brownell [This short piece toured with two other hockey-related plays (Eleanor and Life Without Gretzky) under the title "High Sticking - Three Period Plays". Coach Kingston... premiered at the Annex Theatre (Toronto) in 1990. There were subsequent productions at the Fringe of Toronto, the Edmonton Fringe, Calgary's Lunchbox Theatre, Buffalo's Alleyway Theatre and The Harbour Theatre in Prince Rupert.] Characters: Coach Kingston - a junior hockey coach Marty MacGougal - a hockey parent (lights up - a junior hockey rink - Coach Kingston blows a whistle and speaks) Kingston: Okay, let's gather round. This is important. We are all very fortunate. Hockey is the greatest game on earth. Now, I'm sure you all know of my back to back championships three years in a row. My success was a result of giving one hundred and fifteen percent at all times. I can not accept an ounce less from you. Now I'm sure you're all thinking, "Hey Coach. I'm only eight years old." Well let me tell you something. You're young but you've still got the possibility of being the best and I will incite in each and everyone of you a burning desire to be the best. Because there is no greater sin than unreached potential. Alright, first thing. The rink. This slab of ice. It's not just a hunk of frozen water - no - it's a metaphor for our lives - you score on the ice - you score in real life - you fall on the ice - you fail. The nets - the enemy's net - a good place for a puck. Our net - a bad place for a puck. The penalty box - a place of honour. The bench - a place of shame...and that door - the one that leads to the dressing room - that's the quitters door. Look at it! Know what's on the other side? A world of Losers and by going through that door you become a loser yourself. Any takers? Good. Now, we've had a good start and I don't want to hear anybody talking about having fun because you are here to win. You have to play with wreckless abandon - be obsessed with victory. You give me that and we will win again and again and you will be men. Okay, two squads. Jerry - Blue. Doug - Red. Let's pick it up and start some drills (whistle blows) (enter Marty MacGougal) Good to see you, MacGougal. Glad you could make it. A Young Voice: Hi, Daddy! MacGougal: Hi, Peachplum. You're looking good! Kingston: Good kid you got there, MacGougal. MacGougal: Well, he's a MacGougal and that says a lot. Kingston: Yup, lots of heart but... MacGougal: But? But what? Kingston: Just some problems. MacGougal: Is that why you called me here today? Kingston: Yeah. Can we talk? He's got the heart but he's still lacking something. MacGougal: What's he lacking? Kingston: He's just not...hockey. You know what I mean? MacGougal: Not really. Kingston: Take a look, MacGougal. MacGougal: He looks good. He's skating well. Look there. He's even stick handling pretty good. Not bad for an eight year old. Kingston: Take a closer look. Look at his face. MacGougal: What's wrong with his face? Kingston: He's smiling. MacGougal: Smiling? Kingston: Exactly! Smiling's not hockey. MacGougal: I see. He's having too much fun. Kingston: Damn straight. It's important to play for keeps. Take a look at his stride. MacGougal: Looks okay. Kingston: It may look okay to the layman. You've enrolled him in figure skating classes, haven't you. MacGougal: No. Kingston: Look at that flare there and those pinky turns. C'mon. MacGougal: Yes, the wife enrolled him in Mrs. Winkle's class on Tuesday nights. Kingston: Pull him out of those classes right away before it's too late. Winkle's already done enough damage Pull him out before he heads down the road to Pansydom. MacGougal: The wife won't like that much. She wants him to be the next Toller Cransden. Kingston: Don't tell me you've got him enrolled in art classes as well. MacGougal: Well, yeah. Kingston: So, your wife's got little Benji... MacGougal: Billy. Kingston: ...Billy enrolled in all those "courses". I bet you she's got him playing with dollies. MacGougal: Well, he was given a Play Person Learning Tool for Christmas. Kingston: I rest my case. MacGougal: Okay, I'll talk to the wife. After this - no more courses. Kingston: You got to do it right now. MacGougal: We already paid for them. Kingston: Y'know - maybe I read you wrong, MacGougal. I mean maybe you want your son to turn into a fairy. MacGougal: Hell no! Kingston: Well then smarten up! You got to take control of this situation right now otherwise when he grows up he'll be wearing pearls and getting married in the United Church. MacGougal: What can I do? Kingston: First - stop with the fairy talk. Cut out all that "peachplum" crap. MacGougal: We've always called him "Peachplum". Kingston: "We've this" We've that". Second thing - Stop talking in the plural. Your marriage isn't a partnership - it's a war. MacGougal: My marriage is none of your business. Kingston: If little Benji... MacGougal: Billy. Kingston: ...Billy's going to succeed at this game, I have to take your family life into account. You've got to make him more agressive. MacGougal: How do I do that? Kingston: What's your profession? MacGougal: I'm a broker. Kingston: Why are we even having this discussion? Look, MacGougal. All you have to do is transfer your business acumen into your son. A broker's the perfect profession. Totally ruthless. MacGougal: I've got ethics. Kingston: Sure, sure you do. Business Ethics. When you're with a buyer. You can sell them anything. You can sell them beaver shit as long as it's bonded. Right? MacGougal: I do okay. Kingston: Hey, I bet you do. Now, that's ruthless. But it's acceptable ruthless. That's what you've got to teach your son. Train him. MacGougal: Hmm. Kingston: Not to worry, though. We've nipped it in the bud. I'll be damned if one of my boys is gonna skate both ways. Sex is okay. There's nothing wrong with sex. Don't get me wrong. I love sex. Lot's of sex. Tons of sex. Gobs of sex. But not with the same sex. That's where I draw the line. MacGougal: I see. Kingston: You've got to watch it. These kids are curious. Every now and then I catch one masturbating in the locker room. Take Dewey over there. Caught him going at it in the showers one day. Wasn't any bigger than a cigarette but he was having fun with it anyway - until I gave him a clout that is. Set him straight. "No orgasms before the game, Dewey!" It saps a man's strength. In order to play a good game you've got to have a full tank - helps if you have to pee too. No pain - no gain. Okay, Jerry! Set up the cones! Let's do some maneuvers, boys. I know your looking at me funny, MacGougal. You think I must be some pretty strange fish, eh? MacGougal: No..no... Kingston: Cigarette? MacGougal: I've quit. Kingston: Sure you have, MacGougal. Sure you have. Don't worry. Your wife's probably tuned into the Woman's Network right now. The kid's a trooper. He won't squeal. Here. Go ahead. MacGougal: Thanks. It's been a while. Kingston: Wife doesn't approve, eh? MacGougal: She makes me smoke out on the porch. It's February and I'm freezing my ass off - banished from my own house. Kingston: The house you bought. MacGougal: Yup. Kingston: With your hard earned cash. MacGougal: Yup. Kingston: You know, there's a plot out there, Macgougal. MacGougal: A plot? Kingston: The women of this world are plotting our demise. If it was up to them, they'd snip us all at birth and keep our sperm frozen in a jar. I thank the good lord every day that there's lots of men on this planet otherwise we'd be whipped. We'd be a cunt-struck starry bunch. MacGougal: Whew. This cigarette's getting me dizzy. Kingston: That's freedom you're smoking there, son. It's freedom that makes you dizzy. MacGougal: Whew. Kingston: The fact is, it's not your son I wanted to talk about today. It's you. MacGougal: Me? Kingston: We've had some complaints. MacGougal: Who would complain about me. Kingston: Some of the parents. MacGougal: Why? I've come to all the games. Kingston: I said some. Not all. Some think you aren't pulling your weight. MacGougal: That's ridiculous. I've come to all his games, I've paid his membership, I've thrown 750 dollars for his equipment and I paid 2,000 dollars to the orthodontist when he chipped his tooth last week. Kingston: Not enough. MacGougal: I don't believe this. None of the other parents have put in as much time, effort and money as I have. Kingston: We're not talking money here. We're talking attitude. They think you have the wrong attitude and, frankly, I agree with them. MacGougal: How so? Kingston: That fight you stopped last week. MacGougal: They were behaving like idiots. They were encouraging their kids to fight one another. Kingston: What can I say. It's a jungle out here. They would have come to their senses sooner or later and saved their hatred for the opposing team's parents. You've ruined that now. They've made up. Look, I'm the one who's on your side. All the others think you're useless. MacGougal: What do you mean useless?! Who do these people think they are?! What gives them the right to say that?!! Kingston: Good, MacGougal, Good!! That's the right attitude. Anger! Hatred! Loathing!! That's what being a hockey parent is all about!! MacGougal: It is? Kingston: Don't lose it now. Make it grow. MacGougal: Grrr! I hate them! Kingston: Keep it up. MacGougal: Grrrrr!! I feel stupid. Kingston: No! No! Get mad! Think about all the times in life when you failed. Go on. Think! That's it. Think about how dumb you were at school. Think about how rotten you were at sports! Think about how you were always the last one to be chosen for the team. Think about how you struck out and lost the big game. MacGougal: Yes. Yes! Kingston: Think about your parents dissapointment! Our son's a failure, honey! Where did we go wrong!? MacGougal: Yes. Kingston: Now look out there! Take a look at your boy. MacGougal: Yes! I see him!! Kingston: Is he going to fail? MacGougal: No! Kingston: Is he going to give up? MacGougal: No!! Kingston: Is he going to be as big a loser as you were?! MacGougal: Nooo!!! Move your ass, Billy. Skate your balls off!! If I catch you doing less than 110% I'm going to beat you to a pulp!!! You're going to win!!!! (he stops - gasps for air) Kingston: Congratulations, MacGougal. You've just graduated to hockey parent. MacGougal: I feel awful. Kingston: It's good to feel awful. By the way, the other parents respect you a great deal. I was just saying that to motivate you and it worked. You understand now. MacGougal: Yeah. You got me. Kingston: You made the team. MacGougal: You should give seminars. Kingston: You're a good shit, Macgougal. Let me tell you something. I felt awful for many, many years. I was adrift. Like you - I had no spine. But I picked myself up again. I found "it". MacGougal: What? Kingston: "It". MacGougal: Umm. Kingston: Do you believe in the immortal soul of man? MacGougal: No, I'm an Anglican. Kingston: Each one of us - even you - has a soul. Bird's have souls. Fish have souls. Those little seedless oranges you buy at Christmas have souls. It's not a big thing. It's little and whispy - like a veil. It floats just above your solar plexis and if you look closely at it what do you see? MacGougal: I couldn't imagine. Kingston: Something's written on our soul's, MacGougal. There's a message there. And that message is unique to each soul. Like a snowflake. Some say "Love". "Hate". "Kill". Mine. Mine says "Hockey"! MacGougal: I'm not into that sort of... Kingston: Y'know, I used to be a goalie. I was Junior "B" and I didn't wear a mask. I was going to make it big but I didn't wear my mask and, sure enough - third period - there was a breakaway and this young punk from Moose Jaw let a slap shot fly from the blue line. I didn't have time to react. I just saw it coming like some big, black manta ray - blackness - falling - intense light and then I'm in this strange corridor that seems to go on and on forever - I walk into infinity and I'm greeted by..."IT". The Gift of Hockey. MacGougal: Billy. Kingston: Suddenly, there's the sound of a piano falling down a mine shaft and then I'm shot out of a cannon back into the real world. In this case, the intensive care ward at North York General. I was back but I'd never be the same. MacGougal: Billy, get your things. You're certifiable. Kingston: Am I? Well, a lot of parents don't think so. I wasn't certifiable when I won the little league cup for the last three years in a row. Was I!? I've got something that they need. I've got hockey written on my soul. MacGougal: You're crazy! Kingston: That's right, I'm crazy. Run! Run away from your destiny, you little wimp. (whistle) Boys! Down on one knee. Billy...showers. (Marty and son exit) Let's pray. God. We do thank you for filling us up with your holy spirit. We do thank you for our God given inner violence. We are your righteous children - your burning sword. Wield us, oh God, to scourge the world of all that is weak and inferior. Bath us in the holy blood of your son, our Lord Sweet Jesus Christ and lend us your holy power in our upcoming Lakawana tournament. Amen. (a whistle) Skate, boys, skate! A golden loony to the first boy who scores next week in Lakawana. We'll take the cup again and then go on to conquer bigger things. Today, the rink...tomorrow... (blackout)