SOUTHERN DISCOMFORT A comedy in one act by Robert Lockney CAST MARY JANE SWEETWATER: Young, affects a thick Southern accent. JOHN FEELOR: Older. Lecherous. Wary. An hotel suite in one of the better Los Angeles Hotels. Doors lead to a bedroom (and bathroom) and to the outside world. Playscripts are scattered about. Cold coffee cups and half-smoked cigars are on a low table. Work has been going on in this room. It is a complete mess. A coat that belongs to JOHN FEELOR hangs on the back of a chair. On the floor sits a battered and aged typewriter. (At the rise of the curtain or as the lights go up JOHN FEELOR is seated reading a manuscript and comparing it with others of it's kind scattered about. He is greatly disturbed with the quality of what he is reading. JOHN is an alcoholic who has not touched booze for a year but today he is sorely in need of a drink. He has not shaved for at least a day. He has also been forbidden to smoke but he has ignored the order.) He is a man at the end of his rope. (JOHN throws the last manuscript to the floor.) JOHN Crap! (JOHN takes the battered typewriter and sets it on the coffee table, inserts a piece of paper and attempts to type. Nothing works and he gives up.) JOHN Crap! (He takes a cup of cold coffee and sips it and spits it out.) JOHN Crap! (There is a knock at the door and JOHN goes over to open it. There stands, pretty, MARY JANE SWEETWATER, dressed in frilly street clothes and carrying a small purse. She walks in without an invitation leaving the door open.) JOHN (Irritated.) Yes? (MARY JANE takes a good look around the room as she is obviously impressed and excited just to be in this place at this time.) MARY JANE (Strong Southern accent.) What a nice room. This sure is a nice hotel. (An irritated JOHN FEELOR follows her around on her tour of inspection.) JOHN What do you want? MARY JANE Are you Mister Feelor? JOHN Yes. MARY JANE Mister John Feelor? The movie director? JOHN Yes, yes, get on with it. MARY JANE (Disappointed.) Oh. JOHN Oh? That's it? MARY JANE (Determined.) I came all the way here to be a movie actor in one of your pictures. JOHN I beg your pardon? MARY JANE I said I want to be a movie actor. (JOHN sits back down in front of his battered typewriter, takes a script in his hand and prepares to ignore her.) JOHN So do I. Lots of people do. (But MARY JANE gets in his face.) MARY JANE I want to discuss this with you. It is a serious matter. JOHN Honey, I don't have time for this kind of thing. I am a busy man. MARY JANE I know you are, Mr. Feelor. That's why I came here. I believe if you want something real bad you go straight ahead for it. JOHN Do you drive a car that way too? MARY JANE I don't appreciate your remark. I told you what I believe. JOHN Do you believe in going about your business? MARY JANE If you don't listen to me, Mr. Feelor, I will do something very, very desperate. (JOHN points toward the door.) JOHN Fine. Do it outside. MARY JANE I will do something that will embarrasss you no end. JOHN Did it ever occurr to you that I am working. I don't have time to be bothered with, excuse the expression, shit. Will you get out of here? (JOHN gets up as if to throw her out on her tail.) MARY JANE (Strongly.) I'll have you know that I am a lady and I do not appreciate your vulgarity. (JOHN backs up a step.) JOHN (Apologetically.) Sorry. MARY JANE If you force me to leave this room, I will kill myself right out there in the hallway. JOHN Say that again? MARY JANE (Pointing.) How would you like it if my helpless, bleeding body was found right outside your door? JOHN Well . . . that depends . . . I hate violence. MARY JANE So do I. Especially bad violence . . . I thought you were younger. JOHN You thought I was younger? What does that have to do with anything? (JOHN points to her purse.) JOHN (Continuiing.) Are you carrying a bomb or something? MARY JANE A lot younger. JOHN Miss . . . . Are you armed? Are you some kind of a terrorist? MARY JANE My name is Mary Jane. I am armed only with my talent. JOHN Oh? Then how are you going to kill yourself? MARY JANE I will find a way. I am a resourceful person. JOHN This is a joke isn't it? Those bastards at the studio. MARY JANE This is not a joke, Mr. Feelor. JOHN You can't be serious. You work here, don't you? I don't want the bed made up. Go away. Later. MARY JANE I mean what I say. JOHN I don't want any more of that muck you call coffee and especially I don't want whatever it is you are hustling. Go away. I'm very, very busy. This mess may not look like much to you but it represents a lot of work. (JOHN sits down again in front of his nemesis - the typewriter.) MARY JANE I will only take an instant of your time. JOHN Are you a reporter of some kind? Are you from "The Inquirer?" MARY JANE No, no. I'm from Hog Wallow, Alabama. JOHN From where? MARY JANE It's a real place. I know it sounds humorous. It's my home town. JOHN I don't weant any of that corn pone either. Close the door quietly. Go! (JOHN turns back to his work, MARY JANE closes the door but remains inside.) MARY JANE I don't appreciate it when people make fun of the way I talk. (JOHN is now a desperate man marooned on a deserted island.) JOHN (Nastily.) Do we speak the same language? Look, Miss . . Hog . . Wallow! MARY JANE It's Mary Jane, if you please. Even though I was Miss Hog Wallow once. I was a Cotton Princess too. I was a lot of things. (JOHN stands up.) JOHN Hog Wallow, Wog Hollow, What difference does it make. You are in the wrong room and on the wrong side of the door. . . MARY JANE You've made a mess of this nice room. Are you actually tryin' to type on this 'ol thing? Don't you have a word processor? Ugh! Those coffee cups! (She starts to clean up the room obsessively. She takes one of the coffee cups and then another.) JOHN If mankind was meant to work with one of those computerized monsters he would . . . he would . . . . To Hell with it. Why are you wasting my time? What are you doing? (MARY JANE puts the two coffee cups down and empties the ash tray full of cigar butts into the waste basket.) MARY JANE It is not my intention to waste your valuable time, Mr. Feelor. (JOHN gets up and follows her around.) JOHN Can't you see that I am trying to do some legitimate work? (But MARY JANE ignores him and remains intent on her cleanup and takes the wastebasket and the two coffee cups off into the bedroom.) MARY JANE How can you stand all this mess? JOHN This may be my last shot at a picture. It's dog eat dog in the movie business, Honey. Those bastards! I don't want to go back to selling real estate. The market sucks. MARY JANE (Offstage.) Yes, sir. JOHN I owe money up to here. Beat it. (MARY JANE reenters from the bedroom without the cups and with an empty wastebasket.) MARY JANE I will get rapidly to my point. JOHN Don't people have manners where you come from? (She picks up one last coffee cup.) MARY JANE When I say, "I want to be in one of your pictures," I mean exactly that. JOHN Will you stop that with the coffee cups. Leave things alone! (She puts the cup down.) MARY JANE I said I want to be in one of your pictures. Don't you understand English? JOHN Most of the time . . . when I hear it. MARY JANE I do not appreciate your sense of humor, Mr. Feelor. I am talking about moving pictures. I want to be a movie actor. JOHN You mean the talkies? MARY JANE You are not funny in the least. I'm serious. I had hoped that we could discuss this matter on a professional level but I see you are not ready. (JOHN sits back down again in front of the typewriter.) JOHN Honey, I don't have time . . . MARY JANE I am not "Honey" if you please. My name is Mary Jane. JOHN Mary Jane, you are wasting my time and you are wasting your time. I do not hire actors or actresses for anybody. I don't even have an office anymore. They are trying to ease me out into the street. Where do people get these ideas? Go down to the casting office. MARY JANE I've been there. JOHN Well? MARY JANE They do not appreciate my abilities or my talent. They made some absolutely disgusting suggestions. JOHN So? MARY JANE I cannot bring myself to do those things. A girl has to draw the line somewhere. JOHN And just exactly where did you draw the line? (She draws an imaginary line about chest high.) MARY JANE About here. JOHN Well, I can't help you. MARY JANE Yes, you can. You get to say who's in your pictures. In the People Magazine it said you did. JOHN People Magazine? Do they read that in Alabama? MARY JANE They do in Hog Wallow. JOHN I don't believe this. I have given my sacred oath that I will pour through all this shit looking for something I can use. Nobody, especially my boss, is going to believe me when I tell him some little twit from Wog Hollow, Arkansas was . . . MARY JANE Hog Wallow, Alabama. And I am not a twit. I came here to make you a sincere offer of a deal. JOHN A deal? What do you know about deals? MARY JANE Enough. JOHN Do you realize what you are doing to my blood pressure? How did you find out where I was? I'm supposed to be in seclusion. Even my wife's lawyer doesn't know where I am. MARY JANE Oh, that was easy. I called your studio . . . JOHN They told you? Impossible. MARY JANE The girl was very cooperative on the phone. She's from Alabama just like me. Down the road just a little bit. Vinegar Bend. JOHN What? I don't believe it. MARY JANE She gave me the name of this hotel. We were kind of like family. JOHN (Furious.) God-Dammit! Who hires these people? You can't depend on anybody these days. My pulse. My pulse. It's racing. Where are those pills.. (JOHN starts to search in his coat pockets. He finds nothing.) MARY JANE She was the sweetest thing. JOHN I want to know who in the hell you talked to. MARY JANE That's confidential. JOHN She is fired! I'll see that she's sent back to . . . wherever. MARY JANE Mister Feelor, are you interested in a deal or are you not? JOHN A what? No, I am not interested in any deal. I am interested in getting you out of here. And how did you find out what room I was in? MARY JANE Never mind how. I hitch-hikked all the way from Hog Wallow just to see you. JOHN You expect me to believe that? Nobody is that stupid. MARY JANE Well, it was only one ride, from a friend, but it was almost like hitchhikking. Just to offer you a deal. JOHN What kind of a deal could you offer me? Why am I listening to this? MARY JANE I offer you my body. JOHN Huh? (Motioning as if she were exhibiting a quiz show prize.) MARY JANE My body. You know, this. JOHN What are you talking about? MARY JANE I know how you do business here in Hollywood. I know about the casting couch. JOHN Wait a minute . . . MARY JANE Hog Wallow is not that far back in the hills. JOHN Will you listen to me? I thought you drew the line at this sort of thing anyway. MARY JANE I drew the line just a little farther down than that. About here. I am determined to get into the moving pictures no matter what it costs. JOHN Listen, Mary Jane . . . MARY JANE That's what I told my mama. She was on her death-bed at the time. Cancer. JOHN Don't. I can't stand to hear talk about fatal disease. I have my own problems. Where are my pills? (He searches his pockets but finds nothing.) MARY JANE She was in terrible pain. You know how they look - all hollow- eyed an' that. A mother's dying wish. I am offering you the only thing I have to bargain with - my trembling, white body. JOHN Hold it. Hold it, here. We don't do those kind of pictures. Mary Jane - Out! MARY JANE I offer you my sacred honor. JOHN I know trouble when I see it. You are trouble. God knows what kind of trouble. MARY JANE And my virginity. JOHN (Sarcastically.) I'll bet. MARY JANE I mean it. JOHN We do clean, family entertainment. No sex. Lots of blood. MARY JANE I hope Jesus forgives me. JOHN Who? MARY JANE You know who. JOHN You're from the "Inquirer" aren't you? I thought so. It's a God-damned frame! MARY JANE I am not from the "Inquirer." I am an actress. I have had acting experience. JOHN You're escaped from someplace. God-dammit. MARY JANE Are y'all refusing my offer? JOHN I'll bet my wife sent you for some preverse reason of her own. That's it. My wife. MARY JANE I don't know your wife. I'm sure she is a very fine lady. JOHN She's a monster. MARY JANE I don't believe it. JOHN She's hired that vampire of a lawyer who sucks the blood out of a man . . . MARY JANE What a . . . . JOHN trying to build some kind of a . . . . MARY JANE terrible thing to say. No, no. Absolutely no. It is not my intention to break up your happy home. When I get to be a movie star I will ask her forgiveness. JOHN This has gone on far enough. I do not like to use force, Mary Jane, but I'm going to have to throw you out. MARY JANE You are dealing with desperate, proud, Southern womanhood here, Mr. Feelor. I have resources. JOHN (Cautiously.) You don't have, by any chance, a large hulking male relative around do you? Like a father or a brother or two? With big hands and maybe a shotgun? MARY JANE I am alone. I'm facing the world myself. JOHN (Courageously.) I will have to throw you out on your sweet ass, personally. Do you understand? MARY JANE Then, I will go to the Hollywood sign and I will jump off the "H." JOHN It's been done. Didn't work. MARY JANE I'll pick another letter. The "O." JOHN That's fine with me. Just go do it. MARY JANE I'll leave a note for the world to know it was all your fault. You drove me to it. JOHN So? MARY JANE You will go down in history as an answer in one of those quiz shows. "Who drove Mary Jane Sweetwater to jump off the Hollywood "O" to her death? . . . Answer - John Feelor!" JOHN Do you have a car? It's a lot of trouble to drive up there. And the walking and the climbing. MARY JANE Couldn't you give me a ride? JOHN As much as I would like to, I can't. I'm busy. Can't you see? Some other day perhaps. MARY JANE All right. All right. I'm leaving. My fate will be on your conscience. I hope you're happy with what you've done to a sweet, innocent, country-girl. You've made her into a streetwalker! JOHN A what? MARY JANE A streetwalker. You know - a lady of the evening - a whore. (She makes it two-syllables like "hoe-er.") Walking the streets of Hollywood. Abandoned. Lost. I could be murdered. JOHN Well, yes. It might be safer if you stick to the main part of town. Pick a safe, well-lighted place. Try Dodger Stadium. (JOHN takes up a script and then puts it down.) Ugh! What terrible stuff . . . Why are you still here? Why aren't you walking the streets? MARY JANE I have changed my mind. You are making fun of my innocence. JOHN O.K. If that's the way you want it. Out you go. (He approaches her as if to throw her out.) MARY JANE Stand back! Don't you touch me! I'll sue! JOHN Out. I mean it. (JOHN lunges as if toward MARY JANE but he grabs the telephone instead and fights with the buttons.) JOHN (Continuing.) Let me at that telephone. What in the Hell is the desk number? MARY JANE Zero. Just punch the zero. (JOHN jabs madly at the phone buttons.) JOHN Zero. (To telephone.) Desk? Will you get me Security? Hotel Security. MARY JANE You've had your opportunity. JOHN (Into telephone.) This is John Feelor, God-dammit! MARY JANE You force me to take my one last step. JOHN (Into the telephone.) What do you mean "He's on a break?" MARY JANE If I go out that door. I'll do something you will regret. JOHN (Into the telephone.) What do you mean, "half an hour?" Doesn't anybody work around here? (JOHN slams down the telephone.) MARY JANE I will go to the newspapers. Tomorrow morning. JOHN Stupid assholes! Can you believe it? A half-hour break? MARY JANE And I will tell them that I spent the night with you. We slept together. JOHN Big deal. MARY JANE Intimately. And . . . I will tell them that I have an unspeakable, disgusting disease. JOHN What! MARY JANE You heard me. You know what I mean. Unspeakable! JOHN (Quickly.) I'm sorry. I'm sorry. MARY JANE Hah! You won't even find anybody willing to shake your hand after that. (JOHN holds his hands up in front of him palms foreward to show no harm done.) JOHN Hey! I haven't even touched you. That's not fair. MARY JANE (With folded arms.) Too bad. It's dog eat dog, Mr. Feelor. (JOHN backs off and sits slowly down on the couch.) JOHN (Resigned.) O.K. O.K. The Security Guard will be here in one-half hour. At that time I will have you removed from this room like an aching tooth which you are. MARY JANE Super! I have one-half hour to convince you of my talent. (Now a beaten man, JOHN holds his head in his hands.) JOHN Jeezus! MARY JANE Don't take that name in vain, Mr. Feelor. I knew that sooner or later you would find it in your heart of hearts to listen to my story out of sheer goodness. JOHN Oy . . . . MARY JANE They said you were such a kind . . . in the movie magazine . . . I mean "People" Magazine . . . person to everybody you came in contact with. I really didn't believe that stuff about the small boys anyway. JOHN Lies! That woman! MARY JANE I just know your wife . . . I mean . . . must be a . . . I mean your first wife, now your ex-wife . . . I get so confused . . . terrible person to say those awful things. And that Judge . . . he should be taken off the bench . . . Back in Hog Wallow, Alabama he would have been strung up like a pole cat. There! JOHN When that Security Guard gets back I'm going to have you thrown in Jail. And I will personally swallow the key. MARY JANE I was in my high-school play and several community plays in Hog Wallow. I played the lead in "Love and Applesauce." JOHN Do you know what they will do to you in jail? For one thing, they will give you a blood test. MARY JANE Well, here goes. I can do impressions. JOHN Who can't? Please, Miss . . . Mary Jane . . . . MARY JANE Sweetwater. Mary Jane Sweetwater. JOHN That can't be your name. MARY JANE Yes it is. JOHN Your real name? MARY JANE Well, I did change it some. I used to be Lobelia Sweetwater but Lobelia sounds so "country." I had to change it. "Mary Jane Sweetwater" sounds more like an actress. A Hollywood actress. JOHN Absolutely. MARY JANE When I ever get to be a movie star I'll probably have to change it to something else like "Sandra Sweetwater." JOHN Where is that Security Guard? MARY JANE Let's get down to business. What part can you give me in return for my most precious possession. JOHN Mary Jane, let me fill you in on a few things. I just don't do business that way. It's not right. I don't want to hurt your feelings. MARY JANE You are a Hollywood Director aren't you? JOHN Well, yes, but . . . MARY JANE Am I so ugly? JOHN No, no, no . . . (She cries out to the universe.) MARY JANE I am determined to get into the movies and now you tell me I cain't even do that! (She makes it two syllables like "Thay-ut.) JOHN Mary Jane, what were these movie magazines you were reading in Hog Wallow? Besides "People" Magazine? MARY JANE Well, they were old ones. "Silver Screen" and "Photoplay" and like that. They were in the beauty shop where I get my hair done - well, actually I worked there too. JOHN Very old? MARY JANE I was in High School. JOHN I mean, were the magazines very old? MARY JANE Yes, pretty old. JOHN It adds up. Mary Jane, that was then. Things have changed a lot in Hollywood. The old ways were just not ways for decent people to behave. The film industry has grown professionally. We've matured. We just don't treat actors and actresses that way anymore. We treat them as human beings. Fellow professionals. The casting couch is obsolete. Things can happen. I'm sorry. MARY JANE Y'all are rejectin' my offer? JOHN That's not it at all. Why don't you join an acting group. MARY JANE A waste of time. JOHN Get some experience. Acting, that is. MARY JANE You think I really have some unspeakable disease, don't you? (Making a disclaimer separating each word so that we know he does not really believe what he is saying.) JOHN I . . did . . not . . say . . that. MARY JANE I'll have you know I am as pure as . . . as . . . as anything. Why, I am so innocent, I don't even know what I am supposed to do. JOHN What? MARY JANE Why, I have never even seen a naked man - outside of photographs that is. JOHN You expect me to believe that? MARY JANE There is just no way a decent girl can get into the moving picture business. I have to do it this way. JOHN There are lot's of ways. MARY JANE I have practically hitch-hiked to this very spot all the way from my home town. JOHN Hog Wallow? MARY JANE Hog Wallow. And I have promised to do absolutely disgusting things with the desk clerk in return for his cooperation in telling me where your room was. JOHN Aha! I'm going to see that son-of-a-bitch fired too. I gave him specific instructions . . . MARY JANE Things that we never even thought of in Alabama. JOHN I am not surprised. MARY JANE They were illegal. JOHN Where did you draw the line for God's sake? MARY JANE I had to move it down just a little bit more. JOHN I see. MARY JANE A girl can't be too rigid in Hollywood. JOHN Sooner or later you're going to run out of . . . whatever it is. MARY JANE And I have spent my life in professional training, well part of it anyway. I have all this material prepared. Aiming for this very moment. JOHN Well, don't bother. The Security Guard will be here pretty soon. MARY JANE Therefore . . . I will do my impressions. JOHN Let me guess. You're going to do something by Tennessee Williams. MARY JANE Who? JOHN I stand corrected. MARY JANE (Bette Davis.) "What a dump." JOHN (Exasperated.) Dump? Do you know how much this room is costing me? MARY JANE No, no, no. "What a dump." JOHN Look, just because I can't hire you is no reason to get nasty. MARY JANE I'm not nasty. That's an impression. JOHN A who? MARY JANE An impression, silly. Don't you know what an impression is? JOHN Yes, I know. Who in Hell was it an impression of? MARY JANE You don't know? JOHN How am I supposed to know? Your Aunt Minnie? MARY JANE That was not my Aunt Minnie. JOHN Look Miss . . . er . . . Mary Jane . . . this is a lot of fun but I don't have time to fuck around . . . . MARY JANE I do not appreciate you sayin' the "F" word. JOHN What word would you prefer? A minute ago you were going to carry me right off into the bedroom and do . . . disgusting things. MARY JANE That was different. It was a big movie star. JOHN What was? MARY JANE My impression. You sure are out of it. Don't you know anything? JOHN I haven't really worked in quite a long time. MARY JANE (Mimes smoking.) It works real good with a cigarette. I look like this. JOHN Doctors don't want me smoke at all but I do. You shouldn't smoke either. MARY JANE O.K. I'll try another one. JOHN You're going to be a big hit in the women's ward of the jail. MARY JANE You've got to imagine me with a big cigar. JOHN (Aside.) What have I done? MARY JANE ( Tough.) "Here's looking at you, Sweetheart." JOHN I beg you pardon? MARY JANE My impression. "Here's looking at you, Sweetheart." JOHN Don't tell me. That's got to be your Aunt Minnie. MARY JANE You are not funny in the least, Mr. Feelor. JOHN I'm just not any good at guessing game, Honey . .er . . Mary Jane. MARY JANE That was from the greatest picture of all times. JOHN Don't tell me . . . "The Ten Commandments?" MARY JANE Of course not. That's only the second greatest picture of all times. JOHN I thought you were quoting Jesus from the cross. MARY JANE You sure don't know much about Jesus. JOHN O.K. I give up. What was it? MARY JANE It was "Gone With The Wind." JOHN I must have missed that part. MARY JANE "I'm gonmna get a shotgun and put a hole right in your head." JOHN What? I sure don't recognize that line. MARY JANE Now, that really was my Aunt Minnie. You would love to meet her. She never misses with a twelve gauge. JOHN That does it. It's been half an hour. Where's that Security Guard. Gimmie that phone. (JOHN grabs telephone.) Desk? God-dammit, this is John Feelor. Feelor! How many times do I have to call for that Security Guard? MARY JANE I have an infallible sense of time and I do not believe that one-half hour has elapsed. JOHN (To telephone.) I know what you said. I've got this crazy female up here and I want her removed . . . MARY JANE I was very good at telling time when I was in high-school. JOHN (To telephone.) How do I know if she's dangerous? Call the police. MARY JANE We used to guess when a minute had gone by. JOHN (To telephone.) O.K. . . O.K. Send him up here as soon as he gets back. MARY JANE At parties. JOHN (As he hangs up.) Jee-zus. I knew I should have read my horoscope for today. Maybe I should just go back to bed. Mary Jane, please leave me alone. I don't want to get nasty, but I have real work to do and a limited amount of time to do it in. Can I appeal to your reasonable nature? Go home. MARY JANE I have this all worked out. First we'll work together and then we'll fall in love. JOHN What? Fall in love? MARY JANE That's the way it is in the movies. JOHN That is not the way it is. MARY JANE Yes, it is. JOHN (Intense.) Lawyers! Alimony! Child support! That's the way it is in the movies. Do you know how long it's been since I've had a real paycheck that I could keep? MARY JANE And then you take to drink. JOHN I am forbidden to touch booze. MARY JANE So am I. The Bible forbids it. We were meant for each other. JOHN I'm a sick man. When the Security Guard gets here I will add that to my charges. Harrassing the sick and wounded. MARY JANE An' then I nurse you back to health. JOHN You should see my liver. Look, Miss Sweethog . . . MARY JANE Sweetwater. JOHN Sweetwater. Whatever. MARY JANE Yes? JOHN O.K. How's this? Maybe I can get you a spot . . . MARY JANE (Enthusiasticly.) Super! JOHN In the studio cafeteria. MARY JANE (Disgusted.) Cafeteria! JOHN Cleaning up stuff. Using the talent you have demonstrated. MARY JANE I'm an actress! Not a . . . not a . . . cleaning woman! JOHN Don't get excited. It was just an idea. After all, a while ago you were going to jump off the Hollywood "H." MARY JANE The "O." JOHN Right. And be a hooker on Hollywood Boulevard. MARY JANE I was not serious. After all . . . I am still a virgin. JOHN A virgin? I don't believe that. Are you really? MARY JANE I am so. JOHN A virgin? A real virgin? One hundred percent? MARY JANE Yes. JOHN You understand what it means? MARY JANE Yes, Mr. John Feelor, I know what the word means. I have never had relations with a man. JOHN (Sweetly.) Well . . . Now . . . let's reconsider. Maybe I've been a little hasty. You know, Mary Jane, sometimes, in the press of business, big studio executives, like myself, can be a little cross . . . our minds are on other things . . . scripts . . . budgets . . . contracts . . . movie stars . . . you know how temperamental they can be. MARY JANE Oh, yes. JOHN You wouldn't kid me, now? MARY JANE About what? JOHN About being a virgin. MARY JANE Oh, no. I'm serious about that. I was going to stay a virgin but I decided I'd rather be a movie star. JOHN Good thinking . . . MARY JANE I thought so. JOHN Worthy of the big ones. A good career move. MARY JANE So I said to myself "Why don't I find a real handsome, Hollywood Director and accept what fate offers." JOHN Naturally. I couldn't have said it better. MARY JANE No matter how disgusting it may be. JOHN Well, now, just a minute there . . . . MARY JANE So far you're the only one I could find. An you wouldn't believe what I had to promise to do that. JOHN I can guess. I'd offer you a drink but I'm not supposed to touch liquor. MARY JANE I'm not supposed to drink anyway. Like I said, The Bible says I'm not to. JOHN It does? MARY JANE In print. I read the Bible every day. Don't you read the Bible? JOHN Indeed yes. It's a good source of material. Not every day though. MARY JANE Well, I suppose when I get to be a big movie star, I won't read it anymore. I'll drink liquor, but only for public relations. JOHN Let me say this about that. Mary Jane, part of being a movie star is doing things that we don't really want to do. Now let's get back to the issue at hand. Your career. MARY JANE I knew you would come around sooner or later. JOHN You know the Doctors have cut me out of just about everything. I'm not supposed to smoke. MARY JANE Unfortunate. JOHN They won't let me touch liquor. MARY JANE You shouldn't anyway. JOHN They don't even want me to drink coffee. And my diet is nothing but paper and glue. This morning I had to eat a whole bowl of cardboard. This big. I can still taste it. It feels like a rock. MARY JANE I am truly sorry. JOHN Then there are these pills if I could find them. However . . . there is one thing left. MARY JANE Yes? JOHN I'm supposed to do some kind of exercise. MARY JANE You should be doing what the Doctor says. Why don't you start giving up smoking. JOHN Good advice. Now what was this deal you wanted to make? MARY JANE You mean about the Casting Couch? JOHN A quaint expression. MARY JANE Well, I don't know . . . When I offered you my body . . . I didn't think you would actually go through with anything nasty. JOHN Backing out? With your career on the line? MARY JANE Not exactly. But, I . . . don't know . . . JOHN "Child, you cut me to the quick". MARY JANE Are you hurt? JOHN That's an impression. MARY JANE Not a good one. You had better leave the impressions to us actors. JOHN It's time for you to make up your mind. It's a long walk back to Hog Wallow, Arkansas. MARY JANE (Thoughtfully.) Alabama. Well . . . I don't know . . . this is all so new to me. JOHN You've come all this way. Made all those sacrifices. For this moment in your life. MARY JANE I'm nervous. JOHN Remember your mother's dying wish. MARY JANE Oh, Mama didn't die. She recovered completely. JOHN Perhaps you're self-conscious about your acting abilities. MARY JANE Well, no. I have been in at least two plays. Kind of. (JOHN sorts through the scripts at random.) JOHN I wouldn't want to take advantage of you. It's unprofessional. Let's see . . . there ought to be something in one of these scripts that you can read. You do read, don't you? MARY JANE I was an "A" student in reading. JOHN Good. I couldn't use anyone less than an "A" student. MARY JANE And typing. I was a real whiz at typing. Even on an old machine like that. JOHN That's a piece of junk. MARY JANE I could work it. You only have to bend a few of these keys. JOHN One of the problems in the picture business is that every once in a while a "B" student slips through. These scripts are terrible. I wouldn't feed them to my cat. MARY JANE Do you have a cat? JOHN No. I don't really have a cat. Let's see here . . . MARY JANE I have a cat back in Hog Wallow. JOHN Well, if I had a cat I wouldn't feed him one of these. MARY JANE I don't think cats eat paper. I call my cat "Grits." Isn't that a funny name for a cat? JOHN Especially paper as bad as this. This is really fit for the bottom of a bird cage. MARY JANE You shouldn't say that about somebody's life work. Even if you don't appreciate it. JOHN Why not? MARY JANE It isn't right for you to be so nasty about something that a writer has slaved over and poured his life into. (JOHN picks out a manuscript.) JOHN What do you know about it? MARY JANE Some handsome young man, living in desperate poverty gave his all so you could have something to work with. JOHN Is that so? MARY JANE Somebody you don't even know. He's haunting the mail-box this very moment waiting for your answer. And you're just tossing his masterpiece around like so much junk. It's sad. JOHN "Cat Women of Mars?" Are you serious? I know who wrote this stuff. MARY JANE Who? JOHN hands her a script. JOHN I did. Try this page. Start at the top. (MARY JANE takes the manuscript and reads it silently but moving her lips.) JOHN (Continuing.) Well? MARY JANE Well, what? JOHN Read it. MARY JANE I am readin' it. JOHN No, no, out loud . . . to me. MARY JANE You can't read? I can see where that would be a problem in your profession. JOHN Mary Jane, I want you to read the part out loud to me as if you were playing it. MARY JANE Oh. You mean acting. JOHN That's right. Acting. MARY JANE Super! This is kind of an audition, isn't it. JOHN We could bypass the reading if you insist and go directly to the business at hand. However, it may give you a needed feeling of security. MARY JANE O. K. . . .er . . . do I have to say this? JOHN Of course. As written. MARY JANE (Reading.) "Meow. meow. meow". (To JOHN.) That's silly. JOHN No it isn't. It's part of the script. An important part. You are the Queen of that Cat Women. That's what they say. MARY JANE Meow? JOHN Meow. MARY JANE All right. (Reading.) "Meow. meow, meow." JOHN No, no, Mary Jane. You've got to read it as if you were a Queen. You sound like an house cat. MARY JANE I've had a lot of cats and that's the way they go. JOHN That's not the way they go. MARY JANE It is too! JOHN I knew it. You're going to be difficult. MARY JANE I am not. JOHN You're telling me - the scriptwriter - how to play this part? These are artistic decisions. MARY JANE I know cats. JOHN And I know what I wrote. MARY JANE I know a lot more about cats than some old Hollywood writer. JOHN Old? MARY JANE I didn't mean that. I really didn't. (JOHN starts to take off his shirt.) JOHN I'll show you who's old. MARY JANE I want to think. JOHN I am accepting your deal. You're going to be a star. MARY JANE I'm not sure I want to do this. JOHN I know how it can be to a young person faced with major acting responsibilities. Perhaps a big picture. I can see it now. MARY JANE Dear me . . . JOHN The lead. (MARY JANE begins to fiddle with a button on her blouse.) MARY JANE Oh, my goodness . . . . (During the following she undoes the button and then another . . . and another.) JOHN Mary Jane, it's time to make up your mind about what you want from life. Let me explain. There is one thing that the acting profession demands of it's people. One very important thing. And that one thing is commitment. To be a success in your chosen profession, no matter what it is, you have to be committed. I cannot stress this too much. Your committment is not to individuals, but to the artistic goals of your profession as a whole. Let me say this another way. Everything you do must be done with your career in mind. Even the simplest of daily tasks. Brushing your teeth. Eating breakfast. You must believe that your career is the most important thing in the world. You must be willing to carry out whatever it takes to reach wherever you are going. Do I make myself understood? Ask yourself: "What do I, Mary Jane Sweetwater, want of life?" Even if your goal is to be the local dog catcher or a nurse or a small part in a very large moving picture, like the one I'm workin o here Belief Professionalism Trust Thing (MORE) tha coun i th rea world wan t b absolutel clea o this point. A successful actress must be willing to do anything her profession asks of her. No wavering. No backing off. Having cast your eyes on the stars you must fish and stick to your guns. The same goes for directors. We are looking for new faces and new ideas. And that means taking chances. Reaching out. We all have to risk the cut of the cards, the luck of the draw. However there is a dark side to all of this. Many will not succeed. Some will fall into the pit. Why? Because they have lost their commitment. That is the question. That is what I ask of all my actors. Do you have sufficient devotion to your art to risk the hazards? Do you, Mary Jane Sweetwater, have that commitment? MARY JANE Are we going to take all our clothes off? JOHN Whatever makes you comfortable. She starts slowly to button up again. MARY JANE I just don't know . . . JOHN (Unbelieving.) What? Well, make up your mind. I'm a busy man. MARY JANE Does this happen every time I make a picture? JOHN Don't worry about trivia. And now, my dear, to launch your career. (As JOHN makes a move at her she jumps back a step.) MARY JANE I don't think I really want to be an actor after all. (JOHN lunges at her and manages to tear a button off her blouse.) JOHN Oh yes, you do. (MARY JANE falls to her knees as if in prayer.) MARY JANE Help me, Jesus! (She pushes him away and he grabs at his gut as agonizing pain strikes.) JOHN Shit! My heart! (JOHN falls back on the couch grabbing his stomach.) MARY JANE Mister Feelor! That's not your heart. JOHN It hurts! Ohhhhh. MARY JANE (In prayer.) I didn't mean for you to kill him, Jesus. JOHN Oh, God! My pills. My pills. Get my pills. MARY JANE Mister Feelor, I think now is a good time for us to have a serious talk. JOHN My God! I'm dying. About what? MARY JANE About my movie career. JOHN Your career? My life! Dammit! Get those pills. Jeezus! I'll kill you with my bare hands. MARY JANE I'll find them. I'll find them. Sit still. Where are they? JOHN Ohhhh. Coat. Coat pocket. MARY JANE (Searching.) All right. All right. Don't panic. What do they look like? JOHN They look like little round things. In a little plastic bottle. MARY JANE (Searching.) I don't see them. JOHN Hurry. MARY JANE I'm sorry, Mr. Feelor, there are just no pills, little or big, here. You must have dropped them somewhere. JOHN Look around on the floor. Ohhhh. MARY JANE (Searching on the floor.) How can you be so careless with your . . . I found them. Under the table. Here. JOHN Good. Ohhhhhh. These are the wrong color. My wife's pills. Stupid! MARY JANE Well, don't blame me. It's not my fault. JOHN God! I left them at home. Ohhhhh. MARY JANE You shouldn't take the Lord's name in . . . . JOHN You'll have to call my wife. MARY JANE I don't really think I should do that. JOHN She can find them and bring them here. MARY JANE To this room? Right here? JOHN Call! Call! I'm in pain. Ohhhh. MARY JANE I don't want to call your wife. JOHN Will you do what I tell you? Call. MARY JANE What will she think of finding me here in this room? JOHN If I recover from this I will strangle you on the spot! MARY JANE What will I say? JOHN Get her to bring my heart pills. Just make up something. Anything. Tell her we've had an earthquake. MARY JANE I don't know . . . Maybe I should just go home. JOHN I'm going to die right here on your hands. MARY JANE I could call the hotel doctor. JOHN Are you crazy? Ohhhh, my chest. Hotel Doctors are all drunks. Call my wife. The number is on the front of that script there. MARY JANE (As she punches in the number.) That's real convenient. (Frantically to JOHN.) Don't die. Don't die. JOHN Hurry. Ohhhh. MARY JANE (To telephone.) Hello, is this Mrs. Feelor? Mrs. John Feelor? Well . . . you don't know me. JOHN Cut the crap. Ohhh. MARY JANE (To telephone.) My name is Mary Jane Sweetwater. yes . . . . Sweetwater. Like in Texas but I come from Alabama . . . JOHN Ohhhhh. Tell her to drive like hell. MARY JANE (Squealing with pleasure.) Super! I just love traveling. . . . Oh, you do too? That's just scrumptious! JOHN Oh . . . What did I eat? MARY JANE Well I didn't travel by airplane . . . . I don't like their food either . . . . JOHN I'm dying and you're talking about food. MARY JANE (To telephone.) Yes, Alabama. (To JOHN.) I can't carry on a conversation with you talking so loud like that. (To telephone.) Well, I am down here in this here Hotel and we were having an earthquake . . . yes, an earthquake. I just happened to be passing by this room, you see, and I heard this noise. Kind of like a groan-like. JOHN Ohhhhhhh. MARY JANE (To telephone.) Like that. And well, I just had to respond to the suffering of a poor totured soul that was groaning and moaning like a pig in an outhouse, you see . . . "pig in an outhouse" . . . we use that expression a lot in Alabama . . . they make a lot of noise. JOHN (Showing signs of recovery.) Pig? MARY JANE Well, anyway it was Mister Feelor . . . Mr. John Feelor . . . your husband . . . and he was in a lot of pain. So he asked me to call you for his pills . . . His pills. He thinks he left them at home. JOHN Tell her to look in my heavy jacket MARY JANE (To telephone.) Well I can't help it if you didn't feel the earthquake . . . Mary Jane Sweetwater. I'm an actor. A movie actor. I was just passing by this door, you see . . . I never saw him before in my life . . . I am telling you the absolute truth . . . I was just in the hallway . . . But, Mrs. Feelor . . . I am not! You have no right to call me that! Goodbye! (MARY JANE slams down the telephone.) JOHN (Recovering.) Well? MARY JANE She was extremely impolite. I don't think she's going to bring anything. She called me a name. Ladies do not use that word. JOHN I told you she was a monster. The pain is going away anyway. MARY JANE I'm very sorry, Mr. Feelor. JOHN It must have been gas. Perhaps a touch of colitis. MARY JANE Shall we continue with my reading? JOHN Your reading? MARY JANE Yes. My audition. JOHN Don't you think it's kind of pointless? MARY JANE Pointless? Acting is my life. JOHN I was just trying to relax you. To get you in the mood for . . you know. MARY JANE Mood? You mean you were only trying to lure me into sin? JOHN No, no, no. Not exactly . . . that is . . .you see . . . MARY JANE Into commiting fornication? JOHN Well . . . if you want to be crude about it . . . yes. MARY JANE In that bedroom, right there? JOHN After all this whole thing was your idea. MARY JANE And you were not trying to give me a real audition? JOHN Not in the true sense of the word. MARY JANE You should be ashamed. You wanted to take advantage of someone who is almost a virgin? JOHN Almost? What do you mean? You either are or you aren't. MARY JANE Well, I'm a virgin as far as Hollywood is concerned but not as far as Hog Wallow is concerned. JOHN I see. MARY JANE There's a big difference. JOHN There is? MARY JANE It's very clear in the Bible. Mamma explained it to me. JOHN My mind is considerably relieved. MARY JANE I hope you ask forgiveness for your actions. JOHN Well, you're the one who wanted to make a deal. MARY JANE Not like that. JOHN What did you think it was going to be like. MARY JANE Something a little more . . . well . . . nicer. JOHN Oh . . . Mary Jane, I guess I ought to . . . I apologise. MARY JANE For what? JOHN Well, you know. All of everything that happened. MARY JANE Including your heart attack? That was not an accident. JOHN It must have been something I had for lunch. Damned Hotel food! I guess you think I'm pretty foolish. MARY JANE Oh, no, Mr. Feelor. You're not foolish. JOHN You really wanted to leave your home town for this? MARY JANE Hog Wallow? Yes I did. Why, there's hardly a thing to do. Talk about quiet. An' those boys aren't interested in anything but their 'ol cars. They just don't understand an artist. JOHN Well, Mary Jane, it seems to me that you ought to reconsider a few things . . . like home is . . . home is . . . well, there is no place like it. MARY JANE (Making a face.) Ugh. You're right about that. JOHN I guess that's that. MARY JANE Can't I read for you again? JOHN No. It's no use. MARY JANE I'll say "meow" the way you want me to. Like this, "MEOW!" JOHN I was just teasing you anyway. MARY JANE I can understand that you must have been driven insane with lust. That's understandable. JOHN I'll just have to cut out one more thing from my life. That leaves . . . leaves . . . not very much, does it? MARY JANE You could take up gambling. I'm told that's very sinful. JOHN Not good for my blood pressure. Too much excitement. I have just run dry of sins. MARY JANE You could turn to good works. JOHN Good works? MARY JANE Yes, and you could start off by giving me a job. JOHN Mary Jane, believe me, you are not meant for the acting profession. You are a nice girl and a smart girl. . give or take a little . . . go home to Hog Wallow. MARY JANE I will not go home to Hog Wallow. I'd rather die. JOHN All right, I'm a beaten man. MARY JANE Yes? Yes? JOHN I'll give you a job . . . MARY JANE Super! JOHN Typing. MARY JANE (A downer.) Typing? JOHN You said you were a whiz. MARY JANE Well, I am. JOHN Take it or leave it. This is the picture business. MARY JANE All right, Mr. Feelor. I told you we would get together. JOHN So you did. MARY JANE And then later on . . . who knows . . . Marvy! JOHN You can start off by replacing that receptionist from Vinegar Bend. She's got a big mouth. MARY JANE Oh, dear. She was so friendly. JOHN This is the big city, Mary Jane. It's dog eat dog. MARY JANE I guess it's every girl for herself . . . deal! (They shake hands on it.) JOHN You're learning . . . Now help me straighten out these scripts. (Which she does.) CURTAIN