The Central Park Freak Show by Wilson White ACT I Scene 1. In Winston and Mark's bachelor apartment. Mark is sitting with his social worker, Ms Phillips, who wears a red suit. He is smoking a cigarette. MS PHILLIPS I think that about covers it, Mark. Sixteen hundred fifty-five dollars a month, that includes disability and ~, and of course you also have ~Medicaid. MARK How about that angle of yours, applying for a special blind whatsis? That comes on top of everything else, right? MS PHILLIPS Yes. I've put in for it, but we won't hear for a month, at least. MARK Keep on trying? MS PHILLIPS Sure. But I have to tell you, it's a long shot, so don't depend on it, there's a bigger than usual mess up in Albany~. Now, let's get back to you. I'm not happy with the exercise you're getting. You know what the doctor told you, and I don't see any improvement. None at all. MARK Improvement! What do you expect me to do? Scare up a hot game of tennis? MS PHILLIPS Don't be silly. MARK Or golf maybe? Find somebody to lead me to the right hole, tee up the ball, aim me at the flag? Duck! Fore! Swish! [Pause.] Where is it? Oh, great, on the next fairway. Did I hook it onto the seventeenth, or did I pull it over on twelve? MS PHILLIPS Mark -- walking, swimming, free weights, Nautilus at the Y, you know what you can do. Please try, okay? Otherwise you're going to go downhill. MARK This isn't the bottom? [Pause.] No. You're right. I can still see, a little bit. Look! There's the window, there's the door, I think. And isn't that you in the black dress? MS PHILLIPS It's a suit, a red suit. MARK Good guess, though, wasn't it? Ninety-nine percent of you women are wearing black now, and a lot of the hip men, too, especially the thrifty ones, aren't they? MS PHILLIPS Yes, that's true. MARK Like everybody's grandmother died the same day and to save money they held one big funeral. MS PHILLIPS Mark, you're not supposed to be thinking death thoughts, you know, what you think about, you talk about and ..... MARK I know -- and what you talk about, is what you're going to do. Don't worry. I'm a fine, healthy specimen, except for these fucking, fucking eyes of mine. [Pause.] Just think. No one else in the family has it, but a couple of my genes arrived messed up, so Good-bye to seeing. Half a billion sperms in every squirt, so why was it that one little blind wiggler got laid in the dark? Why? Why didn't I abort, one way or another? Bad luck, that's my middle name. Mark B.L. Esposito. MS PHILLIPS Mark, that's black talk. Cut it out! MARK What yo means, black talk? Dat ain't no black talk, dats dee way I alwas talks. MS PHILLIPS Down talk, blue talk, black talk, you know what I mean. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Look at what you have. God! You know who I saw, right before you today? Woman twenty-two, five kids, two already in big trouble. Had them by four men, none around. MARK Well, at least she had two with one guy. MS PHILLIPS Yes, the twins. And lives with her grandmother, she's only forty-seven, she's got seven, four in jail, three out on parole. MARK Seven out of seven criminals! Batting one thousand. Any murderers? MS PHILLIPS Would you want to trade places? Cut it out! You're one of my prize clients. MARK Maybe next time one of her kids shoots someone I could put in for an eye transplant. Do they come in sizes? Not too small, and blue? MS PHILLIPS It isn't funny, Mark. MARK Preferably a woman's, they have the sharp ones. MS PHILLIPS Then there's the case I see next. Want to hear? MARK Anything for laughs. MS PHILLIPS Guy in a wheelchair, he'll never get out of it, paraplegic, shot in the back. MARK Drug fight? MS PHILLIPS No! He was in Gristedes, with his kid in his shopping cart, and somebody's gun went off on the other side of the aisle, just by accident, and got him. MARK Where? MS PHILLIPS In the back, it severed his ..... MARK I meant where was he? MS PHILLIPS I told you, Gristedes, the one on ~Atlantic and thirtieth, I think. MARK I mean where in the store? MS PHILLIPS Why, for God sake? MARK I was just thinking hereafter I'd stay away from the potato chips and cereal aisles, better to stay behind canned vegetables or soup, it's heavier armor. MS PHILLIPS Black, Mark, watch it. MARK Or, maybe I could make some money there. MS PHILLIPS How? MARK Rent out bullet proof jackets, like binoculars at ball games. Don't laugh! Listen, you could get two shifts out of them, first at the high school, then afterwards at the supermarket. [Pause.] How would I sell it ..... don't leave home without one? A drop dead outfit? No ..... something about safe sex, get on the bandwagon ..... shopping for safes ..... Yes! For safe shopping, don't get caught dead without one! How about a special, one high-necked jacket and three condoms, five bucks. Safety first, you're covered, [Gestures.] fang to wang! MS PHILLIPS Sure, Mark. Great job idea. You looking for a real one yet? MARK Doing what? Making license plates, or knitting socks? MS PHILLIPS You know, Mark. We've only been over it a thousand times. Answering service, telemarketing, volunteering, working with other handicapped people. There are plenty of things you can do. MARK How about writing? Homer did it. The Modern Day Iliad, that's sequel-friendly. Then I could do The Modern Day ..... Odyssey! Wow. Pretty soon, the five foot shelf Blind Classics, all by Hard Luck Esposito, paperback, in Braille! Best seller list, here I come. I could ..... MS PHILLIPS Now, how about some reality? Won't you just try some of those leads I gave you? Here, here's the list again. [Hands him a piece of paper.] MARK Yeah, yeah. I will. MS PHILLIPS Promise? MARK Cross my heart and hope to see. MS PHILLIPS Okay, have to run. MARK Great. Say hello to grandma for me, and remind her about that transplant. Fat reward. MS PHILLIPS Job, Mark, and exercises. Bye. MARK So long. And, remember, blue, light blue! [Ms Phillips exits, shaking head.] MS PHILLIPS Fang to wang! [Phone rings. Mark picks it up.] MARK Hello. Oh, Hi, Winston, how are things?] [Curtain.] END OF ACT 1, SCENE 1. Scene 2. An early autumn Sunday in Central Park. Joggers, bikers, rollerbladers, prams, kids with boats, kites, etc., are streaming by. Willa, a stunning thirty-something woman, enters, pushing a wheelchair holding her equally beautiful sister, Fran, who has lost both legs. They see a small woman jog by, leading a large Great Dane. WILLA Some sight! FRAN Yes. Did you notice that woman and the dog? How they looked alike? WILLA I guess they did. Funny how people and their pets get to look like each other. FRAN Yes, I wonder why that is. WILLA Co-incidence maybe. FRAN I doubt it, you see it too often, but I can't figure how it happens. [They pass Alice in Wonderland, sit on one of three benches not far from the toy boat basin.] Maybe it's the dog? Some dogs actually do smile. Ever notice that? Have to learn that from their owners. [A homeless man drifts by.] LULU Afternoon, ladies. Fine, fine day. Enjoyin yo-selves? WILLA Please don't bother us, sir. LULU Ize not botherin anyone, mam, in fact it's you as bothering me. Yose a little behind on yo rent. WILLA What rent? What do you mean, rent? LULU Allow me to bring you up to date. My name is Lulu. I didn't quite catch yours, mam. WILLA Please, you're bothering us. Go away. Do you want us to call the police? LULU Well, mam, fact is, the po-lease, they knows me real well, and they know that's my bench youse a'sittin on. Ize yo landload, so to speak. And landloads, they still has some rights, don't they? WILLA They sure do. LULU Now a dollar apiece, that's reasonbull, ain't it? WILLA I never heard of such a thing, I ..... FRAN Look, Mister ..... LULU You can call me just Lulu. Listen, I like yo looks, indeed I do, so one dollah for the both of you, now that's a bahgain! Nice day, sunny, where else can you get sit so pretty so long for only a dollah! FRAN Well, I'll admit that's a new line. Tell me, Lou, do you ..... LULU Lulu. I rhymes with myself. FRAN Lulu, you're on some kind of welfare, right? LULU Yes, mam. C'aint afford not to, mam. Know what a good private school costs these days? FRAN Private school, for your children? LULU No, mam, but if I had some, I sure wouldn't let'em go over to P.S. 87. It's positively frightnin! Ever been there? WILLA Of course not. Please go off, now. And no money. LULU Rent, mam, even fifty cents, and I'd be so obliged. FRAN Well, Lulu, if you don't have kids, what difference does it make how much a school costs? LULU Well, mam, to tell you the honestest truth, it ain't essackly school that's pressing me now. It's the weather's about to change, and I can feel the cold wind coming down my poor street, through these 'ol rags, and I'm a little shy of cash money to git me outa town with. WILLA Out of town? I thought you were supposed to stay here. Where do you go? Back down south, Alabama? LULU No, mam, it's gonna be Hawaii again. WILLA Hawaii? Again? How may times have you been there? LULU Every year, mam, soon as the cold wind she starts ablowin. But the big island, Oahu, she's too crowded. Stay away from there mam. Go to Maui, that's the only place left. FRAN Okay, Lulu, that's enough. WILLA Yes, please, we want to be alone. LULU Yes, mam, but member, yo'alls rent is accumulatin. Have a nice day! WILLA So long, Lulu. [Exit Lulu.] FRAN So long, lulong, how long you gonna be gone? Wow, what an operator! WILLA Yes, I'll bet nearest to Hawaii he ever got was Central Park West. It's so windy! FRAN But feel how warm the sun is, over here. I'm taking this thing off. [Willa tries to help her remove her jacket. Fran does it herself.] Thanks, anyway. Got to get used to it. You know what Doctor Bob is always telling me. Do it yourself, don't be more of a burden than you have to. WILLA Fran! You're not a burden. I'm glad to help you a little. FRAN Little? Willa, you're more help than I can tell you. Just staying near is wonderful enough, but keeping me company, and taking me around, that's more than I deserve. Do you mind if I say thank you again, my dear, thank you for being so nice, staying so close. [They hug and kiss.] WILLA I'm glad to, Fran, you know I am. I only wish I could do more. FRAN Don't say that, just realize how much you do. [Pause.] How's the job? Making any progress up the anti-abortion ladder? WILLA Yes, I am. But let's remember our deal about what I do, and what we call it. Right-to-life, okay? I respect your views and vice-versa. FRAN Yes. Agreed. Who am I to tell you how to run your life? WILLA Thank you. Remember how one of the Presidents, Nixon maybe, used to call it the Democrat party? Same thing, calling it anti-abortion puts an unfavorable spin on it. Okay? FRAN Okay. Right to life. [Pause.] The pay isn't all that bad, is it?. WILLA No, not too bad. And I think I'm in line for a better spot. FRAN Same agency? WILLA No, not in P.P.L.S., absolutely no room to move up. This is in a sister organization, North American Right to Live, N.A.R.T.L. They're bigger, and we work together on a lot of the same programs. FRAN So, same deal, lobbying, and alternative programs, adoption, and all? WILLA Yes. Not like the radicals, like ~, the ones that stage demonstrations, provoke arrests, that far out stuff. FRAN Sort of a League of Women Mothers? WILLA Okay, don't get sarcastic. FRAN No. Swear I didn't mean it that way. Remember, you've got to remember the deal too. Don't get touchy. WILLA Okay, you're right. Sorry. How's your job coming? FRAN Terrible. Going nowhere fast, but at least it's something. But I look pretty important decked out in a business suit, don't I, off every morning, my battery all charged up? WILLA Your sure do, honey. It's hard to keep a good woman down. I think it's awful that Simpsons won't take you back. You were going great guns, and now they won't even look at you. Really, truly, do you believe what they say? About a hiring freeze and all? FRAN Well, it's hard to say. The ad business sure stinks this year, that's a fact, and they have lost a bunch of accounts. You and I have been over that stuff about their laying off, fifteen percent, that we verified. But you never know what evil lurks in the heart of an interviewer. I'll admit, to be utterly frank, if I were in their shoes ..... Well, I wish I could be in shoes, anybody's. [She cries. Willa comforts her. Fran recovers.] That's almost funny, isn't it? [Pause.] Anyway, shoes or not, if I were in personnel, I wouldn't want to bring in someone like me, would you? WILLA Fran! What a terrible thing to say! And you like this! Just because someone's handicapped doesn't mean they're awful or anything! FRAN Disagree! It's only natural to want regular, whole people around you. Not someone in a chair or on crutches, whatever. I used to do a bit of interviewing back at Simpsons, and a couple times I got someone handicapped. I knew no one would want them, so I always gave them the cold shoulder, anything I could get away with, that is, which in New York isn't much. WILLA Yes. You've looked it up, researched it, haven't you? About the laws and all? You're such a nut about things like that. FRAN Well, it helped keep me busy for a while. But that's the legal end. What it boils down to is who wants a cripple around? WILLA Don't use that word! How can you say that? FRAN Listen, now I'm like Dad, when he's inventing one of his supposedly wise, old sayings. How would he put it? "If you tell the truth, it only hurts once". WILLA That's Dad, all right. FRAN Fact is, it makes people uncomfortable seeing anybody with missing parts, it's scary, like the thought of being castrated, or having an mammectomy, for us, something like that, anyway. WILLA But plenty of things, like being nasty to the handicapped, are just plain wrong, really wrong. And having weird personal feelings about them doesn't make them right. Does it? FRAN When most people want to act one way and the law say they shouldn't, then it's the law that's going lose out. However, anti-discrimination laws sure are right there on the books. They say you can't turn away anyone because of a handicap, one that won't interfere with work. But if a job description reasonably and specifically calls for a certain physical capability, that's different. So it would be legal to refuse me a job as a cop, or a flight attendant or even as a salesperson in a store. But the ~ law says when your handicap doesn't keep you from doing the actual work, then they have to treat you equally with other applicants. Period. WILLA Like race, religion, gender, or sex preference. FRAN Same kind of thing. And the social worker the city assigned to me has filled me in on enforcement. I love him, faggy as hell, even makes me call him a she, but he's ..... she's terrific. WILLA Yes, who would have thought they had anybody who would really help? What does he say about it? FRAN As a matter of practice, companies with over a hundred employees get sent all kinds of regulations about the handicapped and have to post flyers and notices all over the place. Some companies are actually monitored and comply. For instance, the city and state, they go by the book. And so you see a lot of handicapped people in government offices. And the big corporations, they take the rules seriously, a lot of them anyway, the nationals, who might be hurt if they were caught discriminating. They have personnel people watching their handicapped percentages, along with blacks, Hispanics, women, whatever. WILLA Nice categories to be in. Too bad you're not of color, called Maria Cruz, and a lesbian, then on top of handicapped you'd have it made. FRAN Maybe, at one of the big companies. But smaller places, enforcement, forget it. Only when someone complains, you know, if some dopey interviewer says No because of a handicap, then you can go get them. But most have wised up, and say there's nothing open. Just like I used to. WILLA But ..... FRAN No buts. When I work it's going to be as an equal or nothing at all. Because my brain is on the job, not because part of my body isn't. WILLA But Fran, look, you don't have a real job. You, of all people, you were a ~full associate, after only four years, and now they won't even take you back as a receptionist! FRAN I'm not going back to Simpsons, that's a closed book. They closed it, and I'm not going to argue. I want to get what I need by myself. Then, when I do, it'll be despite this stupid condition. And one thing more. WILLA What? FRAN I've spent a long lot of time thinking about this one. [Pause.] Whose fault was it? WILLA About what? The job being ..... FRAN No. Whose fault was it, back on that day, two years ago, and of all days, November twenty-third~. Hah! My big K-Day. WILLA Well. At first we blamed James, the boat driver, and the water-ski outfit, Jet ..... Lake Stream, whatever they ere called. How they didn't train him well enough. But our insurance company couldn't find any real ..... lack ..... what do you call it ..... negligence ~. So we just collected on their other kind, liability, or maybe a combination. Remember, you had signed away your life on those forms and all, before you started, so you didn't have a leg to stand ..... on ..... Oh, Fran, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said that. That's horrible, how could I be so inconsiderate? [She cries. Fran comforts her.] FRAN Don't worry, honey. It's just an expression. In fact, let's get it off our chests. What I just said, `off your chest', that's just a way of speaking, too, isn't it? WILLA Yes. FRAN But suppose I said it to someone just had a radical mastectomy, wouldn't that sound terrible? WILLA Yes, you're right, of course. FRAN Or make a clean breast of it? Same thing. Just words. WILLA Yes. And because of those forms you signed, that's true, you didn't ..... have a leg to stand on. FRAN Okay, that's it. Now you're talking. Not dancing around, real talk. Face the music talk. So let's practice some, more like that, all the bad things anybody could say. Then we won't be so embarrassed when they do. And they will say them, some day, won't they? WILLA Yes. They will. I just did, didn't I? FRAN Okay, with feeling. Say it again. WILLA No, I can't, it's too cruel. FRAN It's not cruel, you're trying to help me, not hurt me. Then, when someone says something like `you don't have a leg to stand on' then we can laugh, make it easier on everybody, even tell them we saw it coming. See? Now, say it. Please. WILLA On the suing them thing ..... we didn't have a leg to stand on. FRAN Who didn't? You said we. Say it bad, Willa. Bang it, and make it go away. I hope. Who? WILLA You don't have a leg ..... to stand on. FRAN Ouch! That smarts. Could you say it again, please? WILLA (Softly.) You don't have a leg to stand on. FRAN And you do. WILLA (Very softly.) Yes. I have a leg to stand on. I have two. I have two legs to stand on. Two good legs to ..... [She cries.] Oh, Fran. I'm so sorry. You're so wonderful, and you were so ..... beautiful. You are so beautiful. Boy this is heavy, heavy stuff here. FRAN Yes. Yes, it is. See what I mean, staying close to me? Thank you, Sis. [They hug and comfort each other.] WILLA Now what? FRAN What else is there? Lots! Get a leg up, meaning get ahead of someone. WILLA Yes. FRAN Shake a leg. WILLA Means get going, hurry up. FRAN Yes. And there's foot loose. And put your best foot forward, that's a good one. [They laugh, almost crying.] WILLA And land on ones' feet, and ..... put your foot down. FRAN Great! It's not so bad, is it? WILLA Yes. It's bad. But it's good, too. I can feel it, you were right. We can laugh, sort of. Anyway that's better than just blurting something out ..... it's ..... putting your foot in your mouth. [They laugh hysterically.] WILLA Yes. Putting your foot in your mouth, that's what this is all about, isn't it? Being embarrassed when you say something dumb about legs and all. FRAN Yes, it is. WILLA So when someone does put his foot in his mouth, then we can just laugh, because we've covered it already? FRAN Yes. It's like telling a punch line and spoiling somebody's joke, only backwards. About these sayings, they sort of explode the embarrassment beforehand. Don't they? I think it's a good ...... Oh, Yes, here's another one, at tennis ..... foot fault, I won't ever have to worry about doing that again. [They laugh, then sigh, then cry together.] And there are some sad ones, too. WILLA Like get off on the wrong foot. FRAN Yes, and one foot in the grave, and ...... feet first, that's when you're dead. We're on our last legs! Yours, anyway. [More hysterical laughter.] WILLA How about toe the line? Or in tow, No, that's T-O-W. Walk on tip toes? FRAN Yes. Tiptoe through the tulips. And toe to toe, that means fighting hard, right with someone. WILLA Like you, Fran. You're some fighter. FRAN Yes. I'm telling you, I'm not going to get down on my knees to anyone for a job, I'd knee him first! [Laughter.] Boy, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling better! WILLA Me too. FRAN Back to whose fault ..... I sometimes think about that day..... on the lake, what lake was that? WILLA In Georgia, Lake Sinclair. FRAN Yes. The water was cold, but it was a beautiful day, and I was practicing for that contest. The ~Southern States Water Ski Jamboree, for the semi-finals. I've told you, I was lucky to win in the quarters, and Julie somebody was against me in the next round, she's national, was then anyway. We took the boat around once, looking for stuff in the water. [Enter Winston, on rollerblades, and Mark, walking. They stop for a moment, look at Fran and Willa, then exit.] [A couple of other rollerbladers skate by.] [Winston and Mark re-enter, Winston slips, almost falls, catches himself on one of the other benches, Mark tries to help him regain balance, ineffectually. Willa goes to help.] WINSTON Wow! That was close! WILLA You okay? WINSTON Sure. Thanks. It's my first day on these things. Takes some time to get used to them. Ever try them? WILLA No, thanks. But you were going all right there for a while. MARK Sure. Like the optimist who jumped off the fifty story building, and was smiling to himself as he fell past the twentieth floor, "Thirty floors down and nothing bad's happened yet." WINSTON Very funny. But thanks ..... mind if I sit down over here? FRAN Why not? It's a free country. [Lulu re-enters, wearing Hawaiian shirt.] LULU Howdy everybody, Lulu has returned. WILLA Now he thinks he's MacArthur. LULU Afternoon, gentmen. I've had the pleasure of knowing these ladies, my name is Lulu. Lu-Lu. I'm a poet, I rhymes with myself. MARK You're some Lulu all right. What's your whole name? Little Lulu? LULU Now that you've inquired, Lulu is my last name, my furst, it's Hono. MARK Hono-Lulu! FRAN That's funny -- sort of. MARK Where'd you come out of, a volcano, or from under a pineapple? LULU My fren, neither one. As I've esplained to these ladies here, they are sittin on my bench, and they's some behind on their paymints. MARK What are you today, high or drunk? LULU No, suh, deed I aint. And prove I'se not under any influ-ence, I'se willin to contest with you, chess, or a game of wuds, anyway you like, just name it. MARK Beat it, will you? No panhandling allowed here. LULU Now, mister, please. Has I begged anyone? For anything? No, sirree. In fact, I'll foget about rent if you think you're pretty good at playin. MARK Forget chess. What language is your word game in, Middle Low Hawaiian? LULU No, suh. Here's how it goes. Every one playing he puts is some money, say five dollahs, ten, however many you think you're good for. Then, you or me, it don't matter which, they name a wud, any wud, in English. Then we all take turns, and have to say words that mean the same. Anyone who can't, he's out. The last one in keeps all the money. Unnerstand? [Pause.] How many players? Foe of you and me makes five? WINSTON Sure, why not. I'm in. Mark? MARK Pass. WINSTON Come, on, Mark. Just a buck. MARK Sounds like a con game to me. Heads he wins, tails we lose. WINSTON How about you two? By the way, I'm Winston, and this is Mark, we're brothers. MARK Father Flanagan, he's not heavy, he's my brother. WILLA Hi. I'm Willa. FRAN Fran. Nice to meet you. We're sisters. WINSTON Nice to meet you too. Is it Fran? WILLA Yes. WINSTON Okay, Fran. How about playing? Are you game? FRAN Sure. Sounds okay to me. But just for a dollar. Willa? WILLA No, thanks. FRAN Come on, be a sport. WILLA Well ..... okay. But I'll hold the money, Lulu. LULU Fine, that's a good idea. Sure yo don't pree-fer chess? WINSTON No, thanks. Go right ahead. LULU Now, everbody ready? Eenie-miney-miney-mo-catch-a [Pause.] tiger-by-the-toe-if-he-holler-let-him-go-Eenie-miney-miney-mo- [The count lands on Fran.] WINSTON Fran starts ...... LULU my-mother-said-to-choose-this-one ..... [Pause.] in-Central-Pock. [The count lands on Lulu.] MARK Where did that mother stuff come from, and Central Park? LULU Dats pot of de game, gentmen. MARK Not my game, Lulu. I thinks yo mother-f'n us all right. LULU An you gentman, not even playin? Any objections from the poticipants? WINSTON No, go on, Lulu, show us how we're going to lose. LULU Now, who was it she landed on? Oh, Yes, it was yours truly, Lulu. Imagine that. Lulu starts. Now what word should I see-lect? Let me think. What did stot this, Mister Mock? Did you say high or something? MARK High or drunk, one. LULU That's it. Drunk. Everbody think of wurds meanin drunk. Here's mine. Intoxicated. Now just go around, in a circle. WINSTON Me? Smashed. LULU Right, just like that! Now Missus Franny. FRAN Inebriated. LULU Missus Willa. WILLA Bombed. LULU My turn. Stink-o. WINSTON Tight. FRAN Tipsy. WILLA Tiddly. LULU Excuse me, ladies, but, pissed. WINSTON Loaded. FRAN Soused. WILLA I can't think of any. I'm out, right? LULU Yes, Mam, sorry about that. Mine turn. Plastered. MARK How about unsober? WINSTON Mark! You're not playing. Don't spoil the game. MARK Sorry. I'll never do it again. WINSTON Dipsoed. LULU No, that's not a word. WINSTON Yes it is. LULU No it isn't. WINSTON Who thinks it's a word? How about you, Willa, you're not in. WILLA I think ..... that's okay. LULU Okay, Dipsoed. Dat's a freebie. Now, Missus Fran? FRAN Besotted. LULU Blind ..... sorry Mister Mark. MARK Okay, okay. WINSTON Blotto. FRAN Bombed. WILLA Good! LULU No, mam. Already been mentioned. Sorry. That loses you your dollar. FRAN Why? Can't I have another chance? LULU Dat's the rules. Yo's out. FRAN Okay. I didn't have any more anyway. You win. WINSTON Not yet he doesn't. Lulu, your turn. LULU Potted. MARK That's not one. WINSTON Yes, I've heard that one. My turn. [Pause.] That's it for me. You win, Lulu. You're a Lulu all right. [Lulu takes the four dollars from Fran.] LULU Thank you, mam. Dat was easy! Yo fogot pickled, alcoed, dipped, I could go on and on. MARK I'll bet you could, Lulu. That's why you fixed it so you'd choose the word, right? LULU Oh, No, Mister Mock. How could you say that when it was fair and square? Anyways, I'll be back, give yo another chance. Right now my throat is kinda dry. I think I'll get me a nice Evian water. Bye, bye everbody! Thanks fo the sport, and don't you foget you rent! [Lulu exits.] WINSTON So long. WILLA Wow! What a hustler. Wonder what else he has up his sleeve. FRAN Well, for a dollar, it was worth it. MARK Probably does numbers, dope and gives abortions on the side. WILLA That's not funny. MARK Which part? You're not a right-to-lifer, are you? WILLA Yes, I am, and proud of it. In fact I happen to work at the New York chapter of P.P.L.S. MARK What's that, priest, pope, lazy and stupid? WILLA Public Pro-Life Sisterhood, and it's nothing to do with religion, or stupidity! MARK No? No abortions, lots of Catholic babies, more money for the Church? WILLA If you must know, it's a matter of principle, that every fetus has it's right to live. MARK Well, in that case ..... WINSTON Okay, Mark. Hold it there. Do you think everyone who disagrees with you is wrong? MARK Everyone has the right to make mistakes. I just try to point them out. WINSTON I've noticed. FRAN For the record, I'm on the other side, myself. I see a conflict between the rights of the unborn and the women who bear them, and I see it as a matter of choosing which is more appropriate, according to the circumstance. And not a mater of principle. My own preference is pro-choice, but I definitely can see the other point of view. WINSTON How about the fathers? Or what do you call them, of the fetus, the ones who ..... implanted them..... the fertilizers? MARK Planting and fertilizing, that sounds like a garden store. Anybody for babies-breath? How about some rape-seed? WILLA Rape-seed, that's some nice name for bird food. By the way, we are flexible on abortion in rape cases, that's an exception. WINSTON So there's the whole spectrum. From the extreme right-to-life, absolutely no abortion stand, all the way over to complete freedom of choice, with the Supreme Court and Roe versus Wade somewhere in the middle. FRAN Yes. In the first trimester, Roe says that abortion is Constitutionally protected, in the last three months it's prohibited, and in between it's up to the states. WINSTON Roe sure has become a big deal, and not only because of abortion, either. In fact the Court said with all the fuss about nominations, its independence was being threatened, otherwise they would have reconsidered Roe. FRAN What's really at stake, apart from that, is the constitutional right to choose abortion. I'll bet some day, once the court packing thing dies down, that they will reverse Roe. But not in a million years will they prohibit abortion. They will only remove the Constitutional protection, and let the states decide to allow or prohibit. Then some states will allow it, like New York or California, and some, like Utah and maybe Tennessee, will make it a crime. MARK And then nobody will be happy. WINSTON No, really the other way around. Pregnant women will be able to do anything they want, and you anti-abortionists can keep on crusading. MARK Like smoking. Nasty little signs all over the place, but do your own thing. WILLA But you're forgetting that abortion is wrong, it's legalizing murder. I just don't see ..... MARK Plenty more eggs and sperms out there, and too many babies around anyway. I thing W.C. Fields was right, what did he say about children ..... WILLA How can you talk like that? Have you ever seen one of these little creatures, preemies five or six months old? They're tiny but so alive! WINSTON Excuse me. It's Willa, right? WILLA Yes. Willa and Fran. WINSTON Winston and Mark. I, Winston, have a good idea. Can we drop all of this about abortion? WILLA No! FRAN Fran, he means for now. I think it's a good idea. MARK Where's the fun without a free-for-all? WILLA Okay. I'm never going to get anywhere with this gang. But I'll never drop it. Just for now. WINSTON Peace and quiet, that's what I prefer, anyway. And ..... to change the subject, who'd like an ice cream? My treat. FRAN I'd love a Dove bar. Is that too extravagant? WINSTON No. Fine. Me, too. Willa, Mark? WILLA A Diet Coke, maybe? Anything diet. MARK Crepes Suzette, if you see any. If not, some club soda? WINSTON Sure. Want to help me, Willa? Promise not to bring up you-know-what. WILLA Sure. Let's go. [Winston and Willa exit.] FRAN Well, here we are, just us chickens. MARK The blind and the halt. FRAN No fun, is it? MARK What? FRAN Being left behind. MARK It has its points. FRAN Like? MARK Other people usually offer to pay. FRAN Do you let them? MARK It depends. How do you do it? FRAN An accident. MARK [Screaming.] I didn't say `How did you do it', I said `How do you do it', how do you handle people paying for you! FRAN Sorry. MARK And now you want me to tell you about me, don't you? FRAN Was yours ..... MARK None of your God damned business! FRAN Sorry. MARK Don't be sorry. [Pause.] I love being blind. Plenty of fun. Think of the advantages, all the bad news I can't read. Just hear it on T.V., or radio ..... only there it's worse there, you get to imagine everything. On that train where all those commuters got shot, how they looked, the holes, the blood, screams. Makes you glad you're blind. FRAN I think I understand. Yours was an accident? MARK No! It wasn't an accident. FRAN No? MARK No. Aren't you wondering how? FRAN Please tell me, if you want to. MARK I was born like this. I have ~. FRAN What's that? MARK ~. Haven't you ever heard of it? FRAN I think so. Never saw very well? MARK Yes. Saw fine until I was five. Then things started to get blurry. First they got me glasses. Then more blur, stronger glasses. Finally they figured it out, when I was around ten. ~. Irreversible, progressive deterioration. FRAN Nothing to be done, surgery, anything? MARK No. I'm down to around ten per cent now. Zero here I come. Maybe five more years, or three, then ..... blackout. FRAN I'm so sorry. MARK What's to be sorry about? You don't even know me. Fuck sorry. Go fucking pity someone else, yourself. [Pause.] You don't even sound like you mean it. FRAN I do mean it. MARK Fuck off! FRAN No. MARK Fuck fucking off, will you? FRAN No. MARK Why not? Go use one your precious handicapped parking spaces. Get the hell off my back. FRAN No, I won't. MARK Why? Why not? FRAN Two reasons. [Pause.] Maybe three. MARK Tell me, if it'll make you feel better. FRAN One, you don't want me to ..... Fuck off. MARK So? And? FRAN And ..... I like you. MARK Sure you do. What's the third? FRAN Guess. MARK No. [Pause.] Tell me. FRAN Guess. MARK No, tell me. FRAN Just one eensie little guess? For your new fwendie Fwan? MARK My brother, Winston, you like him? FRAN Well, you two are quite a pair! But what I was thinking about was I like the four of us. MARK Big F-ing deal! What's so hot about two good apples and two halves, rotten at that? FRAN Well, Mark, I may be only half, as you so nicely put it, but I'm not rotten. MARK And I am? FRAN If I were to guess I'd say that's what you're advertising, but it really isn't you, not deep down. MARK How can you tell? FRAN Just a wild guess. But you are having a lot of fun with it. Talking in your ..... as you call it, rotten, way ...... what's the word I'm looking for ..... sarcastic! Your sarcastic way of talking about everything. MARK Sarcastic? How about corrosive, caustic, mordant? FRAN Mordant? Isn't that like dying? MARK That's morbid. Mordant is abrasive, only more so. Sardonic, that's another good one. Like sarcastic, but bitterer. The way I like it. FRAN That's your game all right. But guess what? MARK What, Ms Freud? FRAN I don't believe it. Look at the way the four of us handled ..... Lulu, that was good, clean, fun. Including you, even you, sniping and cutting and being your scratchy, crotchety old self. You were adorable! [Enter Winston and Willa.] MARK Me? WINSTON Adorable! Wow, I thought I was flirting! WILLA Flirting? Is that what you call it? I thought you were Head Gangbuster! [Winston distributes ice cream, soda.] FRAN We were having a nice friendly chat. All about blood and bodies and blindness. MARK Yes. The three B Show at the Blind and Halt Playhouse. WINSTON Where did adorable come from? FRAN Well, I'm not ashamed to say it again. I liked the way the four of us were getting along, with Lulu, for instance. Including Mark here, for all his jibes, underneath he's adorable, isn't he? WILLA I don't know about adorable, but at least he's funny, in a weird sort of way. FRAN Okay. Then why don't we four think of getting together again? For laughs. WINSTON Well, I just beat you to it. Willa and I are going out Thursday. WILLA To see Cyrano. MARK Good! Still in previews. It'll never survive the reviews. FRAN I think it's great, you two going out. How about you and me, too, Mark? For laughs? WILLA Yes, come on along with us. We'll have a good time. MARK Sure. She can't walk and I can't see. Wonderful company for you fashionable theater goers. Get me an obstructed view seat, what difference would it make? FRAN No. I didn't mean tag along with them. Let's you and me do something else. WILLA Fran, isn't it about time you tried going to a show? FRAN Almost, maybe. But I'm not quite confident enough. Give me a little more time. How about dinner, Mark? MARK Where? FRAN Such enthusiasm! Nearly swept me off my feet! ..... Whoops! There, Willa! I said another one. Swept me off my feet! That's number two. WINSTON What's number two? WILLA Fran and I were practicing sayings that would be embarrassing, to her, anybody like her. Sayings with legs and feet in them, like not having a leg to stand on, that's how it started. MARK I don't get it. What started, where, today? WILLA Yes. About getting more insurance from her accident, I said she didn't have a leg to stand on, that was number one. And we thought of putting your foot down, or standing on their own two feet, that kind of thing, see? WINSTON Practicing that? FRAN Yes. Don't you see, they're just words. And see ..... excuse me, Mark, that's just an expression, too, see, but it's all right, isn't it, with you? MARK Yes. To see can mean to understand. [Pause.] Wow! Do I have a creepy feeling coming over me. Right now. Know what I mean? When something you haven't thought of in a long time suddenly comes back to you, and your neck tingles, you can feel it, really zinging you, and then there's a spooky something with hairy legs crawling up your spine? FRAN Yes. I know just what you mean, like deja vu, only different. What is it you remember? MARK The first thing I ever read, and understood. I was four or something and of course my mother had taught me some letters and maybe a word or two, but nothing more. Then, I saw it, in some book. It was "I see said the blind man". And I understood! Wow! And that's when that creepy feeling started to come over me. FRAN Yes, they come out from the deep, don't they? WINSTON There's a word for those things. What is it? MARK Idioms, that's what they are, they're idiomatic. A special and different way of saying something. WINSTON Reminds me of a picture, a photograph, in the middle of a magazine article. FRAN Exactly. And we practiced a lot of idioms that mention the body, the kind that could be painful to me, and to everybody, didn't we, Willa? WILLA Yes. We didn't get to that one ..... swept off your feet. Can't get all of them, can you? MARK Not all. There'll always be more idiots than idioms. FRAN So, now, after we've run through ..... there, there's another one, after we've ..... practiced it's not so bad hearing one now, not as bad as it would have been, is it? WINSTON It's bad. But not as bad, No, it isn't. MARK Set a gaffe to catch a gaffe. FRAN Yes. Something like that. How about Thursday, Mark, it that good for you too? At our house? MARK Yes. Sure. Thanks. [They all exchange cards.] Okay. Nine-forty Park Avenue. That's a nice address. FRAN Near eighty-first. Anything you don't eat? MARK Peas, rice, meat in big pieces. WILLA Okay, I get it. Seven o'clock? MARK Seven o'clock, nine-forty Park Avenue. I'll be there. WILLA Okay, everybody. We have to get going. Dad's birthday, and I don't want to be late. FRAN Okay, just a minute or two? I was about to tell Mark how I got this way. But, Winston, you must know how inquisitive he is. How eager to draw people out? WINSTON Yes. Eager as an oyster. WILLA Okay. Five minutes, that's it. FRAN Well, anybody care? WINSTON Shoot! An accident? Car? FRAN An accident, all right. But water-skiing. WINSTON Water-skiing? What happened? FRAN Something stupid. I was in training for a competition in Florida, a regional tournament. Did you know they have them? WINSTON Maybe I saw one on Channel ~ once. FRAN That's it. We were in Georgia, that's where my coach was. And of course you're supposed to cruise around the water for hazards, sunken boats, shifting sandbars, whatever. And we did. Once around the lake. But we didn't criss-cross it, like you're supposed to, there never was anything there, ever, so we skipped that part of it. But it happened. First time through, bang, I hit a sunken log, just a little one, but the stupid line got fouled, and the boat got tangled, and two seconds later I was under it. [Pause.] The propellers got me. They hauled me out, half dead, couldn't get the motors going, another boat took forever to get out, and by then it was too late. I was lucky, lucky to be still alive. Blood! I never thought there was that much in me! They sent a helicopter, but the ambulance got there first. God! WINSTON How awful! You weren't there, Willa? WILLA No, not for the training. FRAN And they did what they could, but they couldn't save either leg. One went right away, the other later, both just above the knees. Nice and even! [She cries. Willa and Winston comfort her.] [Fran recovers some, Winston hands her his handkerchief, she blows nose.] Gone but not forgotten! So, here I am, folks. What you see is what you get! [They laugh.] WILLA That's the story, all right. WINSTON Did you say two years ago? FRAN Yes. It took a year to ..... get back on my feet, so to speak. And I've had a job for six months, a crappy one, assistant manager at an answering service! But I'm working on something better, like my old one. I was doing pretty well in the ad business. WILLA And they wouldn't take her back! WINSTON They wouldn't? FRAN Well, we've been over that, don't worry, it's just taking some time. In fact, I have a good possibility going, I'll hear about it next week. WINSTON Speaking of next week, Willa, I'll call you, and we'll set the time and all. WILLA Great! Look forward to it. Now we have to get going. [All exchange good-byes, then exeunt.] END OF ACT 1, SCENE 2 Scene 3. [In front of curtain.] Several weeks later. Winston and Mark are walking toward the same spot in Central Park. Winston wears a cast on one arm. WINSTON Getting near Lulu-land. MARK Yes. Wonder what the rent bill is up to now? He beats Lewis Carroll, he's the Mad Chatterer. Any more thoughts about Willa? WINSTON Well, no, not really. You know, I like her ..... and she likes me, I guess. But nothing happens ..... you know what I mean? Three times we've been out, and I enjoy her, her company and all, but nothing happens. I don't know anything else to say, it's a dead end, the romance part, it's a dead end. MARK No romance in the pants. WINSTON That's right, bro. And I always thought I was a ..... was hot stuff. I guess I was promiscuous when I was a teen-ager. But that's natural, at first. But it's not me, not anymore anyway. MARK Wish I had all the ones you kicked out of bed since Joyce and you split up. WINSTON You do all right, Mark, in the scoring department. Maybe I'm just getting older, or maybe it's just time to settle down again, whatever it is, if I don't care for a girl sitting in a chair, I don't want her lying in bed with me. With exceptions, but not so many anymore. Am I making any sense? MARK More than usual. Maybe you are ready to settle down, listening to Mamma could do that to anybody. By the way what time is she expecting us? Ordeal number two-ninety-nine. WINSTON Point seven zero. Around four o'clock, I said. Well, she may be pushing me to get married, but I'm more on her side than I used to be. How about you? MARK [Sings.] `I like Manhattan, how about you?@' WINSTON Also, about Willa, she's a little dry. MARK A dry dead end? No score, huh? There? WINSTON No, for sure, Mister dirty mind. [Pause.] You and Fran? MARK That would be some sight, wouldn't it? Blind man's buff? WINSTON I didn't mean that, and that's not funny! Cut it out about her! MARK Touchy today? Or what? WINSTON I simply was asking you ..... meant, how are you and Fran getting along? MARK Like you and Willa. Only not as much. She, Fran, is too ..... optimistic, too ..... fucking cheerful all the time. It gets annoying. [Pause.] That's one thing, and also there are a lot of these long waits after I say something, something I think is funny, but then nothing ..... and then she changes the subject. I don't think she has a sense of humor. WINSTON Like when? Give me an example. MARK Examples, examples. Why do you always ask me for examples, can't you take my word for it? WINSTON If you give me an example, then I can try to figure out what really happened ..... before you start adding your own color to it. MARK Seen through my famous blue colored glasses? [Pause.] Well, we were having dinner that night at her place, by the way, that's some swell joint, the four of them live there, and a maid too, somewhere, and there are guest rooms left over. Anyway, there we were in the dining room, she's made a nice dinner all right, lamb chops, and spinach and some kind of potatoes, all good, and when we were done and the maid came and took the plates away we went into the living room. That's when I said something, what was it? It wasn't anything really, I don't even know why I'm trying to remember this one, ..... Oh Yes, I said, `Some great dinner, Fran, almost good enough to eat.' Then came one of her long pauses, and she started talking about something else. WINSTON Well, if you want me to interpret I'll try. MARK I know what you're going to say, that's was a snide ..... no, a bitter comment, joke, it was ..... bitter, and so it isn't that she doesn't have a sense of humor, it's that she doesn't like my sense of humor. Right? WINSTON Something like that. We've talked about it, haven't we? MARK I suppose so. It's pretty simple, isn't it? WINSTON You're really sure about all this, about Fran, and you? MARK Ninety-nine and forty-four one-hundredths percent sure. It doesn't float. WINSTON Well, then let me tell you something. I'm beginning to fall for her, in fact ..... [Continuing to talk, they walk offstage.] [The curtain goes up. Willa and Fran are sitting on the bench, Lulu, wearing an Hawaiian shirt, is about to leave.] LULU Thank you, Mams, thank you for de rent. WILLA Now we're all even, right, Lulu? No more arrears? LULU No, man, no 'rears at all. Lu thanks yo, and Lu thanks yo, so we's all even, Steven. Bye! [Lulu exits.] WILLA Good-bye. I wonder how his vacation fund is building up? Probably has it in [some currently fashionable investment vehicle, such as international bonds]. FRAN Remember that game of his, about different words for drunk? WILLA Yes, and I thought of a couple more later, I forget which ones now. FRAN Yes. If we could only come up with the things we think of later we'd never lose an argument, or anything. Wonder how the brothers are? WILLA Fine, no doubt. I told you Winston said they might be here today, if they could get some time off from Mamma. I wonder what their parents are like? FRAN Yes, me too. [Pause.] You still not hitting it off with Winston? WILLA I liked him, I liked him a lot, at first. But then ..... I guess I don't turn him on or something. So that turns me off, and it's just friends. Which is fine. Sometimes you start in one direction with a guy, but then you turn a corner, and never get to where you thought you were going. That's what happened with me and Winston. FRAN Well, making real friends with a man is a wonderful, too. Different, but wonderful. Better a friend you can count on than some hot thing that burns out right away, isn't it? WILLA Definitely. His divorce, it's final, just yesterday, he told me on the phone. FRAN That's good news, two years it took. WILLA Almost three he said. Gone but not forgotten. You and Mark, that's in the same category? Friends? FRAN Well, Yes, I can't help thinking of him as ..... scorched awfully, I even thought of him when I saw some bacon the other day, you know, when it's cooked too fast, dark and stiff? WILLA Well, the stiff part, that doesn't sound all bad! FRAN Very funny. And he's moody, too, Mark is. Hasn't come to terms with his ..... condition. Doubt if he ever will, but you never know. [Pause.] I'm glad we four met, though, aren't you? That other night, over at their apartment, just hanging around and talking, that was really fun. I had a good time. You, too? WILLA Sure. Good enough. Four friends, friendly kisses, like brothers and sister. FRAN Well, there is more to life than man-hunting, isn't there? WILLA I'm not looking for one, if that's what you mean. FRAN When you're ready, one will come along. Speaking of stiff, how are things going with Jimmy? WILLA Okay ..... nothing much, really. FRAN Of course you're certain, about you and Winston. WILLA Uh-huh. Certain. Why? FRAN Guess. WILLA You like him, some? FRAN No. [Pause.] WILLA No. [Pause.] A lot? FRAN Maybe ..... getting there, now that ...... Whoops, speak of the devils. [Enter Winston and Mark.] WINSTON Well, look who's here! FRAN Surprise! Nice to see you. Hey, what's with that arm of yours? WINSTON Broke it. Simple fracture of the radius. Stupid, I don't know how could I have been that stupid! WILLA What happened, when? WINSTON Friday, after work. I went out blading, wanted to work off some frustrated energies, and as soon as I got going this dumb lady with a baby carriage and a dog on a leash, came out from behind a parked car, right into me, and boom! What a mess! I spun out, tried to grab the carriage, it was tipping over, the dog started barking, then there was a pothole, and down I went. Snap! Just the one bone, it didn't hurt much, just numb. She caught the kid, everything was okay. Except me. Doctor said it'll take five weeks, no surgery or anything. MARK This makes three of us down, one to go. Better watch your step, Willa. You're our last able body. WILLA Well, I sure hope everything goes well, Winston. How did Mamma take it? WINSTON Let's not talk about it. FRAN Wants you to move back with her, checking you to see if you need anything, hanging onto every word? MARK Every pause, every comma! WINSTON Neither of us can stand it, it's so thick ..... so wonderful! FRAN Sounds good to me. I've told you what our mother and father are like, you know, wonderful but ..... distant? WINSTON Sounds like half way in between would be ideal. Any signs of Lulu? WILLA He just left, we gave him some of his so-called rent. Finally wore us down. WINSTON Not too much, I hope. [Pause.] Willa, can I ask you a favor? WILLA Shoot! WINSTON Go get us something to drink. WILLA Okay. Anything else? WINSTON Yes. Mark, would you mind going with her? Just for a minute? MARK Okay. Want to huddle, you two? FRAN Don't speak for me. WINSTON You don't mind, do you? WILLA No, of course not. The usual? WINSTON and FRAN Yes, please. [Mark and Willa exit.] FRAN Well. What is it? WINSTON I'm going to marry you. FRAN What? WINSTON I'm going to marry you. FRAN Don't I have any say about it? What the hell do you mean? WINSTON I know it's not coming out right, but I can't help saying it, I'm going to marry you. FRAN Winston! I like you, and I know there's nothing ...... really romantic, going on between you and Willa, she and I have talked about it. WINSTON Sure, same with you and Mark? FRAN Of course, there never was anything. But you and me, we haven't even ..... anything! Said anything, done anything, nothing! And besides ..... WINSTON Go on. FRAN Besides ..... you know ..... I'm flattered ..... but I can't take you seriously. But you have to be serious, the way you're looking now, and I just don't understand, I'm completely flabbergasted! WINSTON You and me both. And of course we haven't done anything, nothing, I haven't, we haven't even ..... anything. FRAN So let's forget it, let's get back to normal, friends, and see what develops. Who knows? But ..... WINSTON No. I know it's not normal, right now I couldn't care less about normal. I'll say it again. [Pause.] I don't care how long it takes, I'm going to marry you. I've thought about what the objections will be, and where they'll come from. I accept the fact that right now you are one of the objectors. FRAN One of the objectors! This is crazy! I'm not going to marry anyone, certainly not anyone as crazy as you! Willa! WINSTON Fran ..... darling ..... FRAN Don't darling me! Go darling someone else! Willa! WINSTON I just blurted it out, that darling bit, that's not important. FRAN Not important! WINSTON Look, I know it's weird, but our situation is weird. It was sitting on my tongue, and I couldn't help it, and I'm sorry it came out like this, right here and all, but I'm in love with you, what am I going to do? Head over heels in love. And no matter what, I'm going to marry you, however long it takes. FRAN Willa! Help! [Willa enters, limping.] WILLA What? What is it? FRAN What is it with you? What happened? WILLA Just turned my ankle, that's all, when I heard you. WINSTON Where's Mark? [Lulu enters, leading Mark. Willa limps over to Fran.] MARK Well, that completes it. Now we have it, ladies and gentlemen, the Central Park Freak Show. [Mark whispers to Lulu, then breaks off some foliage, places it under Fran's chin.] Come see the bearded lady! The bionic man with the glass arm! [Taps Winston's cast as Lulu beats empty bottle.] The blind man who can see! The woman who limps on your command! And, Hono-Lulu the happy homeless! LULU Okay! Now you is talking! Five big attractions. Fifty cents each one. Step right up, ladies, step up gent-men, a two-fifty value, special today only, for just one dollar! It's the Greatest Show on Earth! Hawaii, here I comes! FRAN Willa! Can you stop this? I have to talk to you. WILLA Okay, Lulu. That's enough. See you next week. LULU I won't forget. Bye-all! And thank you today! I enjoyed the show, indeed I did. [Lulu exits.] WINSTON I'm going to marry Fran. MARK and WILLA What? WILLA Franny? FRAN Like hell he is! WILLA What's going on? FRAN Nothing as far as I'm concerned. Ask him. WINSTON I told her, and I am. I'm going to marry her. MARK Have you set the date? Am I invited? WINSTON No matter when, I am going to marry Fran. I love her. MARK Black tie, or white? WILLA Franny, talk to me. What is it? FRAN I don't know. Had you heard anything about this? WILLA No, not a word. WINSTON Listen, I had to say it. It was so strong, I'm so sure, I just had to say it. Haven't you ever had a powerful urge to say something, but for some reason you hold it back? And then you can't hold it in anymore, it just blurts out? WILLA Yes. So? WINSTON Well, that's what happened, and I'm glad. I know I'm right, for me, and of course I'll have to prove it to Fran. To all of you, really. Anybody understand? [Pause.] Nobody? Look, we have something special, we four. I guess I'm asking for your help, that's why today, because we're all here, the four of us, and nobody else would understand. I've been falling for Fran for weeks now, but you know, how it started with me taking out Willa and all, and ..... I love Willa, too, beginning to anyway, but that's different. [Pause.] Anybody with me now? MARK The nays have it. Any other motions? FRAN Yes, my turn. Okay. It's true, we're all involved in this. And the four of us really mean something to me, and I don't want to lose that. Does anybody? WINSTON, MARK and WILLA No. No, I don't. WILLA But even so, I don't ..... FRAN Willa, let me? [Pause.] Okay. First of all, Winston, I know about your divorce and all, it's final, right? WINSTON Fran, we'd been separated for three years. It's dead and buried, I never think about her. You know, with no kids or anything it passes pretty quickly. Okay? She's gone, it's final. FRAN You called me Joyce a couple of times. WINSTON Yes. I hear almost everybody makes those slips, once in a while. FRAN Okay. I'll accept that. But the divorce becoming final, that's ..... an event. Maybe that's what did it. MARK That made him propose? FRAN Propose? He never asked me, he just told me. MARK Temporary insanity on account of decree? WINSTON No! WILLA If you ask me, that's right, something made him act this crazily, the rebound effect, it's a well-known phenomenon. FRAN Something like that. Anyway, let's leave what happened to Winston aside for a while. MARK Yes, either he will come to his senses, or he won't. WINSTON I've never been clearer in my head than right now! I've said what I really mean and feel, and you are all ready to get me certified nuts! Who's crazy, anyway? FRAN Winston, the answer is No. N. O. Not now, never, never, never! And you're spoiling it for us all! Let's go, Willa! Good-bye! [Willa and Fran begin to leave.] WINSTON Fran, I love you I know it in my bones. Some day I'm going to marry you! [Exeunt. Willa, limping while pushing Fran's chair, followed by Winston leading Mark.] END OF ACT ON ACT TWO Scene 1. At the Esposito parents' tidy house in Rego Park, Queens. It is decorated in second-generation Italian immigrant style. Alberto and Angela Esposito are watching the Jet's game. She has a Budweiser, he a Diet Coke. ANGELA ESPOSITO Come on, Boomer! Trow-a da ball! Hit Dat number thirty-seven. [Pause.] Yes! Wunnerfull! Sixteen yards and by number thirty-seven. Did you see that, Poppa, just-a like I said? ALBERTO ESPOSITO Yes, Mamma. ANGELA ESPOSITO Now, once more time! Number thirty-seven, a good one! Yes! Another pass! ~Idioto! No! He dropp-ed it! Number forty-four! Why did he not trow to thirty-seven, like-a before? What a ~estupido thing to do. Alberto, did you see? How could he drop such a ball? Right in the gold line! ALBERTO ESPOSITO I don't know. Say Goal line, on the goal line, Angela, G-O-A-L. ANGELA ESPOSITO Goal line, gold line, with all the money they make it should be gold line. ALBERTO ESPOSITO Yes, maybe. ANGELA ESPOSITO Did he trow-a too hard, our new Signor Boomer? ALBERTO ESPOSITO Could be. ANGELA ESPOSITO With all that-a money, big number forty-four, he should have catch-ed it, no? ALBERTO ESPOSITO Yes. But remember, we're not paying them, the Jets are. Good thing. If I had to sign just one of their paychecks, I'd have to close all three stores. ANGELA ESPOSITO Either that or charge everybody fifty dollars to dry-a clean-a pair-a pants. [Pause.] Turd down, am I right, Alberto? ALBERTO ESPOSITO Yes, third and seven. Another pass coming up. ANGELA ESPOSITO Twenty-two seconds on the half! Watch-a number thirty-seven, maybe Boomerman will trow it to him, once-a more time, again! [Pause.] A pass! There it is ...... who got it? What? The wrong guys, the Green Bay, they got it! ALBERTO ESPOSITO Yes. Intercepted. That's the half. Jets three, Green Bays nothing. ANGELA ESPOSITO Seven more points our boys should have had! What a shame. What a cryin shame! So close-a were they! [Pause.] One ting, Alberto? ALBERTO ESPOSITO Yes, Mamma? ANGELA ESPOSITO If the other guys they are Green Bays, why our boys wear-a the green suits and their boys wear-a the white? ALBERTO ESPOSITO Five times I've told you, Mamma. The visitoring team, they wear white. The Jets wear green because that's their own colors, and they are home. ANGELA ESPOSITO This is home for them, Shea Stadium, here in Queens? ALBERTO ESPOSITO Mamma, they've moved, long time ago, now they play over there in New Jersey. That means home to them. ANGELA ESPOSITO (Pointing at television set.) But, look at that little picture now on-a the T.V. for half time! It says that fella, Jets number seventeen, it says he's from Georgia, and look, that number twenty, also a Jets man, the picture, it say-a he's from Miss ..... Missippi. How come their home is in New Jersey like you said? Are you sure, Alberto? ALBERTO ESPOSITO I'm sure, Mamma. They used to be from those other places, in college, but now, not. ANGELA ESPOSITO Okay, but if our Jetmen, if they're away from home, then why not they're wearing white shirts, like-a you said? [Alberto holds up hands in despair. The doorbell rings, enter Winston and Mark.] ANGELA ESPOSITO Hello, boys, bon giorno. Come, kiss-a your old mother. ALBERTO ESPOSITO Hello, Winston, hello, Mark. [Winston and Mark kiss and hug Angela, then shake hands with Alberto.] ANGELA ESPOSITO You arm, my son, how is it? WINSTON Healing well, Mamma. They took another X-ray, and it's coming along fine. ANGELA ESPOSITO You sure? You don't want-a to stay here, few days? WINSTON No, Mamma. I am doing just fine, thanks. ANGELA ESPOSITO It's been a long-a time since you was here. Do you forgot your own parents? MARK Mom! We were here Wednesday, three days ago -- Thursday, Friday, Saturday. ANGELA ESPOSITO But this is-a Sunday, am I right? WINSTON Yes, Mamma. ANGELA ESPOSITO [Counting on her fingers.] Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, that's-a five! Almost a whole week blowed right by, poof, and no see-a my boys! MARK Thursday, Friday, Saturday, that's three in between! ANGELA ESPOSITO What happened to the other two, first Wednesday and now-a Sunday, why they not in your count? MARK Mom, we were here Wednesday, weren't we? And we're here today, Sunday. This is Sunday, isn't it? The Jets play on Sunday, don't they? ALBERTO ESPOSITO Mark, don't argue with your mother. If you win, you lose worse than if you lose, that much I can tell you. WINSTON Okay, everybody. How about a compromise? Wednesday to Thursday is one. Thursday to Friday, two. ANGELA ESPOSITO Why-a two between Thursday and Friday? WINSTON Two total, Mom. Cumulatively. ANGELA ESPOSITO Cumatively, what's that? Professor talk? WINSTON Total, Mamma, total, adding it up. One to Thursday, one more to Friday, that's two so far, okay? Then, one more, three to Saturday, and four to today. So it's four days. Compromise on four, everybody? ANGELA ESPOSITO But you left at ten o'clock, Wednesday, ten o'clock you left. MARK Right, but we got here early on Tuesday ..... I mean Wednesday, so that's four and a quarter days. ANGELA ESPOSITO Days have-a quarters now? Like-a the football? MARK Mom! What do you want us to do? Go out and come back later so it ends up exactly four? ANGELA ESPOSITO No, my sons, stay-a right where your are, no matter how long-a you stays away, I love you Anyways. [Hugs both of them, forgivingly.] WINSTON Speaking of football, how are the Jets doing? Is it half time? ALBERTO ESPOSITO Yes. And they're ahead, three and zero. ANGELA ESPOSITO Should have been ten, but forty-four he dropp-ed it. Right on the gold line. ALBERTO ESPOSITO Goal line, Mamma. ANGELA ESPOSITO Gold line I like the sound better. [Pause.] Anything new, boys? Any girls? WINSTON Why do you ask us that every time, Mamma? There's nothing wrong with being a bachelor. ALBERTO ESPOSITO Single, that's fine, for a while. But I didn't name you after Mr Churchill of England to stay a bachelor, did I? You were born the day he died, so as long as I have lived, I have my two heros named Winston. Mr Churchill and Mr Esposito. WINSTON I know, Poppa. And thanks for my name, Winston Alberto Esposito. Did I ever thank you for not giving me you-know-what for a middle name? ALBERTO ESPOSITO I tried, but there has to be a saint name for the baptizing by, you know that. ANGELA ESPOSITO But with two-a such fine young men, at least one could make his mother happy with grandchilds. MARK Doesn't she realize we're closet homos? ALBERTO ESPOSITO Mark! I don't want to hear that word in front of Mamma. No son of mine is any pulpo. WINSTON Of course not, Dad, just kidding. We're playing the field, that's all. In fact, those nice girls ..... women I mean, the ones we met in Central Park a couple of weeks ago, remember? ANGELA ESPOSITO Yes. I remember. And you see them again? WINSTON Yes, Mamma, several times. ALBERTO ESPOSITO Central Park, that's in Manhattan, no? What were you doing all the way out there? Prospect Park isn't good enough? WINSTON Different class of people, Dad. MARK Sure, tell him about Lulu? ALBERTO ESPOSITO That's her name, Lulu? WINSTON No, Poppa, their names are Willa and Fran. ANGELA ESPOSITO Francesca. A nice Italian girl, not one of your blondes again, my son, and so skinny? WINSTON They're both slim, Mamma, nice and slim. ANGELA ESPOSITO Skinny, huh? And blonde? WINSTON Willa is blonde, sort of, isn't she, Mark? And isn't she nice looking? MARK Very. She's a WASP, Mamma, lives on Park Avenue. Not Italian. Not at all. ANGELA ESPOSITO And what's wrong with Italian? Was not Michelangelo Italian, and Deviance, and Mister Verdi, too? ALBERTO ESPOSITO Yes, everybod likes what Italians do, but Italians in general, nobody likes. I ask you why? WINSTON Think of politicians, Poppa. The Borgias, Mussolini and now {name from current political scandals}. MARK Not to mention Capone, Sinatra, and {name from current Mafia scandals}. ALBERTO ESPOSITO Why think of gangsters, why not Puccini, Modigliani, or Pavoratti? What's the world have against us? WINSTON Poppa, that's all over with. ALBERTO ESPOSITO What's all over? WINSTON Nobody cares any more. When it gets so we can't even speak Italian, only English, and dress like everybody else, and live and do the same work and make the same money, then everybody forgets. It's all over, practically everywhere in America anyway. ALBERTO ESPOSITO I don't forget. I'm proud to be Italiano. But first, I'm an American. WINSTON Now you're talking. ANGELA ESPOSITO You said girls? There are two girls? MARK Yes, Mamma. Believe it or not, one for me too. WINSTON I went out with Willa, and her sister, that's Fran, she was Mark's date. ANGELA ESPOSITO She's his girl? MARK Just-a once Mamma ...... Jesus Christ! As soon as I get here for a minute or two I begin to talk like you, Mamma! You're contagious! ANGELA ESPOSITO Is-a that a nice way to speak about your mother, my son? MARK Mamma, Fran and I went out a few times, I don't own her. ANGELA ESPOSITO Does she look the same? MARK Different. Very different. WINSTON But she's just as pretty. ANGELA ESPOSITO Real skinny? MARK Slim, Mamma, nice. We were all in the park, and this homeless guy, that's Lulu, came along and we all got to talking, that's how we met. ANGELA ESPOSITO By a homeless, it was how you met her, this flimsy WASP from on Park Avenue? WINSTON Yes, Mamma, but that didn't matter. ANGELA ESPOSITO Not matter, how you are introduced? WINSTON No. Mamma, it was just casual, anything could have started it. Then, the week after, Willa and I went to the theater, you know, Broadway? MARK And Fran made me dinner the same night, at her house. Winston took me and picked me up. ANGELA ESPOSITO That's-a nice, very nice, Winston. [Pause.] And for you, Mark, you had already seen that-a show? MARK No, Mamma. ANGELA ESPOSITO You go lots-a times to shows. Why not that Tursday, with your brother and the two skins and boneses? MARK Winston took Willa and I went over to Fran's house. It was arranged like that. ANGELA ESPOSITO Arrang-ed? What's to arrange? WINSTON Mamma, Willa and I, we went out three times. And Mark the same way, with Fran. We're just friends, nothing happened between us. ANGELA ESPOSITO If they had some flesh, things would happen. WINSTON Then, Mamma, after the few dates with Willa, things changed. ANGELA ESPOSITO Change-ed? WINSTON Yes, Mamma. I got ..... interested in Fran. ANGELA ESPOSITO Interest-ed? And Mark, you don't want her anymores? MARK No, Mamma. ANGELA ESPOSITO What to you means interested? WINSTON I fell in love, Mamma. ANGELA ESPOSITO So soon? And we haven't seen her, this WASP woman all of bones? WINSTON No, but you will, soon. [Pause.] Mamma, I asked her to marry me. ANGELA ESPOSITO You're going to marry her, just like that? [Pause.] Can I feel something? WINSTON What, Mamma? ANGELA ESPOSITO Someone said different. Who was it? MARK Me. ANGELA ESPOSITO This different, what it is? WINSTON She's in a wheelchair, Mamma. ANGELA ESPOSITO That's-a it, dats-a what I was a-feeling. Why haven't you told us before? ALBERTO ESPOSITO What this Willa woman is she in a wheelchair for? She has broken something, like-a you, an arm, or what is it? WINSTON Willa's fine, Poppa. It's Fran, her sister, she's the one in the wheelchair. Permanently. ANGELA ESPOSITO Permanent? WINSTON Yes, Mamma. ANGELA ESPOSITO What is this you have brought into my-a family? MARK Mamma! ALBERTO ESPOSITO What is this? WINSTON She had an horrible accident, Mamma. But she's fine now. ALBERTO ESPOSITO Who is going to tell us? WINSTON No legs, Poppa. She lost both of her legs in an accident. Above the knees. ANGELA ESPOSITO Oh, my God, Winston! My God in Heaven, Mark! How could you bring this down onto us? WINSTON Mamma! For God's sake! Think of her! ANGELA ESPOSITO How did such a thing happen? MARK She was water-skiing. ANGELA ESPOSITO Water-skiing! Was that worth it, to ski on water? WINSTON Mamma, I can't understand you! Here's a woman, a fine, beautiful woman, and she was in a terrible accident, and all you can think of is us. Of yourself, really. How about thinking of how she feels. How would you feel? Or suppose it were one of us? ANGELA ESPOSITO Thanks God to forbid it, don't I have enough, already? MARK I thought it would get around to that. One's bad, two would be worse, right? ALBERTO ESPOSITO Mark, she didn't mean that. MARK Enough of what, Mamma? What? ANGELA ESPOSITO My Mark, my son! Please, you know what I mean. What haven't I done for you? MARK You haven't treated me normal, Mamma. Just let me go, please! ANGELA ESPOSITO My son! My Mark. I try. But I'm not so good at that, am I? Am I, Alberto? ALBERTO ESPOSITO Not very. But you do try, sometimes. ANGELA ESPOSITO Am I so bad? Am I so bad to want a whole woman for my fine young man son? WINSTON No, Mamma. It's natural. But it's one more thing, a thousand times we've been over them, one by one, haven't we? Going to the college we wanted, and living there, not here, moving into our own apartment, making our own lives, you made every step hard. ALBERTO ESPOSITO But it's not easy for us, you know that, the old ways, so much, gone. And now this, you bring us a ..... torn up woman. WINSTON Poppa, I love her, and I swear to you, by all that's holy, I swear to you if you think of her, or treat her like that ..... then there's going to be terrible trouble between you and me. [Pause.] And you too, Mamma. Terrible trouble. All I ask is to see her, give her a chance. But it's going to be Fran and me, or neither one. [Pause.] We've come a long way from the old country, and I'm going to keep on going, this is one more step, that's all. Do we understand? Mamma, Poppa, please? ALBERTO ESPOSITO I just don't know. [Pause.] MARK Okay, I think they get it. Now tell them the good news. WINSTON Fran hasn't accepted me, yet. She's thinking about it. She's wonderful. She's beautiful. MARK She's rich! WINSTON Shut up! She's wonderful and she's beautiful, and I'm going to marry her. If ..... when ..... she says Yes. Does everybody here understand? I'm going to marry Fran Tinker, no matter how long I have to wait! Anybody not with me? Mamma? ANGELA ESPOSITO Yes, son. Bring her to us. ALBERTO ESPOSITO Son, I will see her. WINSTON Thank you. That's all I ask, and I know you'll love her. I'm sorry it's so complicated, I am. I know what the old traditions meant to you both. But now it's our turn, our way, with jobs, women, girlfriends, wives, whatever. [Pause.] ANGELA ESPOSITO Winston, Mark, come here. [Winston approaches Angela.] Listen to me careful. I'm-a going to try. [Winston and Angela hug.] You too, Mark, Poppa. [Mark and Alberto join them.] WINSTON Thank you Mamma, everybody, Poppa. Thank you. You won't be sorry, I promise. She's lovely. ANGELA ESPOSITO I am-a going to try, No, I'm a gone-a do it! [Pause.] Why not? Half a loaf is better than none! WINSTON Mamma! MARK Mamma! You can't say things like that. Winston means it. Fran is wonderful and she's no half of anything. ANGELA ESPOSITO I'm so sorrys, it just slip-ped out. How did my big mouth spoke that horrible thing? [Angela slaps her own mouth. She cries. Alberto comforts her.] WINSTON Okay, Mamma. I love you, Mamma. Just try a little harder, will you? I swear to God you'll love her like a daughter. Okay? ANGELA ESPOSITO Yes. Yes. Like a daughter. I know how they all say it, I'm not a-losing a son, I'm-a gaining a daughter. And dear God up there above, give me the strength! WINSTON Mamma, that's all I ask, just give her an even chance. ANGELA ESPOSITO All right, already. That's-a-settle-led. Now, it's-a time for the second half game. [Angela gets another beer, turns on the television set.] Come on our Boomerman! And this time no-a-body drop! [Curtain.] END OF ACT TWO, Scene Scene 2. Two weeks later. In the Tinker's grand Park Avenue apartment. The decor is traditional, accented with many family mementoes. Willa is seated on a sofa, Fran in her wheel chair. WILLA So it's the boyfriend meets the parents scene about to unfold? FRAN Yes. By the way, how's the ankle? WILLA Just fine, all better, took a week to heal though, it was a pretty bad sprain. Both of them coming? FRAN Yes, Mark too. I thought it would be better if everybody started to meet. It's been two months, you know. WILLA What time? FRAN At five. WILLA Mother isn't going to inflict the tea ceremony on them, is she? FRAN Probably. WILLA Guess who's coming to tea? FRAN Yes, something like that. WILLA I gather everything went fine last night? FRAN Yes, fine. WILLA Anything you want to talk about? FRAN I'm saving the good news about the job until everybody gets here. WILLA Sis, anything else you want to talk about, with me? Last night, and all? FRAN No. Except that it went just fine. In fact, I'd say great! [Pause.] You're sure ..... about you and him, Winston, now? WILLA Yes. Positive. In fact it's a relief. He's not for me. I'm not for him, it's a relief to know, there never was anything between us. FRAN Okay, I'm taking your word for it, because if there's the slightest shadow, you know what I mean, there are lots of men in the world, but only one sister. WILLA Don't even think about it, Sis. I'm truly glad, period. WILLA So about last night, of course it was the first time you ..... since ..... FRAN Yes. He was so wonderful, it didn't even seem awkward, until ..... well, what the hell, do you want the details? WILLA Sure I do! Doesn't everybody? FRAN Okay, who else should I tell? Fact is, he's hot stuff! WILLA Wow! FRAN Really! And of course he had to see everything, and you can imagine how that might cool off the world's stiffest pecker, but not his. Everything was going fine, until ..... this part is embarrassing, Willa. WILLA Fran, it's not embarrassing to me, it's special. What happened? FRAN He got on top, and got in, but then ..... he rolled right off the bed and onto the floor! WILLA No! Was he okay? FRAN It was a little scary, he hit the back of his head, said he actually saw stars, but he was fine. We looked at each other, me looking over the bed as far as I could, and he looking up at me ..... and then ..... we both started to laugh! Boy, did we laugh! Naturally that ended that, for a while. But ..... many are the ways of love, no? WILLA You naughty girl! Then what? FRAN Well, he figured what we needed was some pillows, for him to lie on, like legs or something to give him a ..... perch, that's what made us laugh all over again, he called it his perch! And it worked, after a while. On try number three, moving the pillows around, everything was wonderful! Wow! It's great to be back in the swing again! [Pause.] And then, afterwards, believe it or not we smoked. WILLA You, smoked? FRAN Yes, sister, was I smoking! It never felt better in my whole life. WILLA But cigarettes? FRAN Yes. It's the old clich, right? Some of Mark's were lying around, and we lit up and lay on our backs in the dark, and we made circles, with the cigarette ends, round and around, and zig-zags, back and forth, in the dark. Like we were teen-agers again. Then he said ..... he said ..... "I can wait, but I'm yours whenever you're ready." Then I cried, and so did he, and then ..... we did it all over again, but this time no falling off. Then right off to sleep, just like it used to be. WILLA No more cigarettes? FRAN No, just sleep. So it's okay, it's just fine. WILLA Well, Sis, congratulations. Welcome back to the Sisterhood of Sex. So he hasn't changed about that? FRAN No, sometimes he looks at me, and I know what he's thinking. He hasn't changed. But it's different now. WILLA Yes? FRAN Yes, it is, I don't mind it, the thought of getting married ..... as much. Now I'm sort of neutral on the subject. WILLA So you're really falling for him? FRAN No, not falling. WILLA Fallen? FRAN Yes. WILLA All the way? FRAN All the way. I'm in love, Willa. [Willa comes to her, hugs and kisses.] WILLA That's wonderful! That's spectacular! Sure you're not just getting carried away? FRAN No! WILLA But married? FRAN Maybe ..... some day, who knows? As I said, on that I'm neutral. WILLA Sounds sensible, Sis. I'm with you, a hundred percent! I just hope lover boy doesn't get up on his marry or die soap box again. Talk about having to cool it! Now ..... [Enter Doctor Bob.] DOCTOR BOB Howdy, ladies! Anybody here yet? WILLA Any minute now. DOCTOR BOB Well, this could be interesting. FRAN We called it, Guess Who's Coming to Tea. DOCTOR BOB Everything will go just fine, just fine. Your mother can't be as formidable as Lady Clearfax. I was at her little palace in the sky last week, and you'd think she was royalty, not just an Austrian adventuress. One can't drink or have tea there, one must take tea. [Enter Carlton and Carole Tinker.] CARLTON TINKER Good afternoon. Fine day, is it not? CAROLE TINKER Hello, girls. Hello, Doctor Bob. A social visit, I presume? DOCTOR BOB Yes, strictly social. Unless you have a complaint to register? [Carlton and Carole move about the room, shaking hands and kissing.] CAROLE TINKER None at all, fit as a fiddle. What time do you have, Tinker? CARLTON TINKER Two past five, exactly. Beep! CAROLE TINKER Let's not have any antics, mon cheri. I think we owe that to our guests, tardy though they appear to be. Willa, please ring for tea. FRAN Mother, can we wait a few minutes, they're be right here. CAROLE TINKER When I say five I mean five. Surely you know that, and the sooner they do, the better. FRAN Can't we please be a bit less formal, today? Just drinks, for once? CAROLE TINKER We did invite them for tea, did we not? And I am not one to disappoint. If you will, kindly ring. [Willa goes to credenza, pushes button.] It's a wonderful way to see what people are made of, tea time. It has such a marvelously rigid ..... what is the word? DOCTOR BOB Rules? CAROLE TINKER Singular, Doctor Bob, a most marvelously rigid singular ..... something? Anybody? CARLTON TINKER Regimen? CAROLE TINKER Not at all! The word I want is chiefly used in diplomatic circles, I believe. CARLTON TINKER Protocol? CAROLE TINKER Yes, that's it, teatime involves a most marvelously rigid protocol. How could it have taken you so long to find it? CARLTON TINKER I'm a walking dictionary? CAROLE TINKER Thesaurus, my dear, thesaurus. Though you are a marvelous thesaurus, being a dictionary demands a loftier order of talent. [The maid opens a door, brings in tea tray, exits. She returns, shows in Winston and Mark, remains in room. Willa introduces everyone.] CAROLE TINKER Now, tea, everyone? FRAN First, Mother, I have an announcement to make. CAROLE TINKER Very well. FRAN I have been offered an job at Osgood and Company. WINSTON Wow! Terrific. They're in advertising, right? FRAN Public relations. CAROLE TINKER What, may I ask, is the difference, if any? FRAN Selling a particular produce, that's advertising. Maintaining or strengthening a company's image, that's public relations. CAROLE TINKER So lying about Shredded Wheat is advertising, but lying about Nabisco Corporation is public relations. CARLTON TINKER Careful of excessive cynicism, my dear. Tell me, Fran, what position have they offered you? FRAN Media assistant to the President, my specialty back at Simpsons. CARLTON TINKER Sounds very fine. You knew them at Simpsons? FRAN Yes, I ..... CAROLE TINKER Should any person wish to know my opinion, I'd advise against your taking it, my dear, considering ..... strongly advise against it. WILLA Mother, there isn't any considering anymore, Fran has completely recovered. Hasn't she, Doctor Bob? DOCTOR BOB Perhaps she would wait for a few more months ..... until she has fully regained her strength. FRAN Thank you, I appreciate your being so thoughtful, but jobs like this don't grow on trees. WILLA They sure don't. You're going to grab it, Fran, Aren't you? FRAN Well, to tell you the truth, I've already accepted, starting two weeks from Monday. CAROLE TINKER Against the best, most conservative, medical advice? FRAN Yes, Mother, but if I can't handle it ..... physically, I'll run .... at least, go, right to Doctor Bob. DOCTOR BOB Thank you. I think that will be satisfactory. And Fran, my dear? FRAN Yes? DOCTOR BOB Do work hard, millions of welfare people are counting on you. CAROLE TINKER Robert, this is no time for social commentary. Let us address our own difficulties. Tinker? CARLTON TINKER I say let Nature take it's course, it's a hard force to withstand. But, Franny, do be careful. WILLA Four say Yes, the motion is carried. Congratulations, Fran. [All except Carole.] Congratulations, Good luck, etc. [Willa kisses Fran, Winston shakes her hand.] CAROLE TINKER Remember, Frances, if it fails, it was I who told you so. Now, any defectors from tea? ALL No, none, etc. [Maid brings tea tray to table in front of Carole, who pours and hands out tea.] CAROLE TINKER How do you like yours, Wilson? WINSTON Winston, Winston Esposito. With cream and sugar, please. CAROLE TINKER Milk satisfactory? WINSTON Sure. CAROLE TINKER How many? WINSTON Milks? CAROLE TINKER Sugars. WINSTON Two, please. CAROLE TINKER The other Mister Expositio? MARK Esposito, that's Italian for ~married. Mark Esposito, Ms Tinker. CAROLE TINKER Thank you for the translation, Mister Mark Esposito, and my congratulations. You use the word just as does Dante, in Il Inferno. How would you like your tea? MARK Right in the cup. CAROLE TINKER Ah, hah! I see you have a sense of humor. And what may I ask shall I put right in that cup of yours? MARK Tea. CAROLE TINKER Thank you, you are so ..... now what is the word I'm thinking of? It means enlightening, but more so ..... what is it? MARK The only ones that come to mind are illuminating and elucidating. CAROLE TINKER Elucidating. A thesaurus with a sense of humor, Mark that, Carlton, Mark that. CARLTON TINKER I get it, Mark that. CAROLE TINKER Mr Esposito, you appear to be a lemon man, no sugar, am I correct? MARK Precisely, Ms Tucker. CAROLE TINKER You are humorous. Here you go. Everyone else the usual? CARLTON, WILLA, FRAN and DOCTOR BOB Yes, Yes, thank you. [The maid passes sandwiches, bread and butter, pastries.] MARK I am devoted to bread and butter! CAROLE TINKER My stars! We're back in the last, and to my taste, preferable, century. [Pause.] ~Algernon, above all other food I thought you preferred cucumber sandwiches. MARK "~My Lord, there were no cucumbers to be had in the market today, not even for ready money." FRAN Hey, you two. What game are you playing now? CARLTON TINKER I think it's quotes from The Importance of Being Earnest. FRAN Of course. What were its wonderful opening lines? [Pause.] MARK I have it. Anyone else? ~"ALGERNON: Lane, did you hear what I was playing on the piano? LANE: I didn't think it polite to listen, My Lord." WINSTON What's so wonderful about that? MARK I think it was that servants were always listening to what their masters said, and this got a laugh from the audience, sort of broke the ice back then. CAROLE TINKER A humorous thesaurus who is an authority on Oscar Wilde -- you have quite a young man here, Frances. CARLTON TINKER But I thought that ..... WINSTON Mrs Tinker, with all due respect ..... CAROLE TINKER Nonsense, Wil ..... Winston, your brother is obviously a man of many parts. FRAN Mother, Mark and I saw each other a few times, but now we're friends, all four of us ..... except ..... CAROLE TINKER Except? Except what? WILLA Mother, it's Winston that Fran is seeing now. [Pause.] Winston and Fran, they are ..... special friends. CAROLE TINKER Oh, I see! Special. How unfortunate. CARLTON TINKER That sounds good to me, any special friend of Fran's is a special friend of mine. You've been seeing each other for two months now? WINSTON Yes. We have. Mister Tinker ..... CARLTON TINKER Please, call me Carlton, Winston. WINSTON Carlton ...... I might as well tell you ..... I'm in love, in love with Fran. CARLTON TINKER Well, that's sounds mighty fine, congratulations. Franny, how about you? FRAN Me too, Father, Mother. I'm in love, I love him. CAROLE TINKER After two months, Frances? FRAN Yes, Mother, after two months. CAROLE TINKER Why haven't you warned us? MARK ~"LADY BRACKNELL: Nonsense, my dear girl, when you are engaged, I shall inform you of it." CAROLE TINKER Exactly. FRAN Mother, we're nothing like engaged. Going out, it's not like it's something dangerous. CAROLE TINKER But, you ..... FRAN Yes? Me what? CAROLE TINKER I'd rather not mention it, not here. It doesn't sound a bit like dear Oscar Wilde. WINSTON And more. There's more. I'm going to marry Fran, I'm going to marry her, some day ..... if I can persuade her, and I think I can. Can't I, Fran? FRAN Not for now you can't. WINSTON Okay, but you know that that's what I want, and that's what I'm shooting for, right? FRAN Right. CAROLE TINKER Tinker? CARLTON TINKER You are forgetting one thing, at least one. WINSTON No, Sir, I'm going to convince you, you and Mrs Tinker. And I think I have to convince the doctor, as well. Am I right? CARLTON TINKER Yes, you are. DOCTOR BOB No objections from me, only there are certain ..... issues that need addressing. WILLA Yes. CARLTON TINKER Might as well bring it out in the open, everybody. Fran is in wheelchair, and will be forever. She can never hope to walk, right Bob? DOCTOR BOB Correct. Even with prostheses, artificial limbs -- they just won't work in her case. She's in a very special, particular, condition that needs a lot of attention and continuing care. Of course this young man realizes that, I'm sure. WINSTON Yes, I do. And I'll need a lot of support from all of you here. Mrs Tinker? CAROLE TINKER I think this is all very, very premature. I suggest we change the subject and have another cup of tea. WILLA Mother, tea won't solve this. And, while we're on the subject, lets bring out something else, another ..... handicap ..... impediment. [Pause.] Anybody? Anything exceptional on anybody's mind, different than in most engagements, or whatever you call it? Come on, let's talk while the talking is good. MARK Always go to the basics -- we've covered sex -- that leaves money. You are rich and we aren't. That's a big impediment, isn't it? WINSTON I don't want a cent of hers. She has a good job and so do I, we'll be fine. CARLTON TINKER Winston, because my father was a very wealthy man, one thing I have learned, first hand, is that inheriting money is something you can't avoid. Fran is scheduled to be quite comfortable, not really rich, but very well off indeed. And I agree with Willa, in a way that is quite a burden for anyone she marries. FRAN Don't say married! I don't want to hear it! WINSTON Okay, Fran, I hear you. But I don't want any of your money. CARLTON TINKER Don't trouble yourself about that. Years ago I set it up so that no one can get to it, the principal anyway. I've learned that too, from hard experience. The Tinkers have had as many black sheep as white, it seems. But you have to think of Franny. And her ..... your children. CAROLE TINKER Children? I do hope there are no more surprises for us today! WILLA Mother! WINSTON Mrs Tinker, my first job is to persuade your daughter to marry me, then you and Mr Tinker. So nothing's going to happen now. I can wait, and I will. But I want you to understand that to me that is the most important thing in the world. DOCTOR BOB Come Hell or high water? WINSTON To me it's more like Heaven and sunny skies. CAROLE TINKER Well, Mister Esposito, regardless of your weather predicting, I think you are too rash, it's far too soon. There are a multitude of items at issue, and I can promise you that we shall consider them, all of them. DOCTOR BOB Amen! CARLTON TINKER Amen! WINSTON That's fine with me, let's do it right. But some day, Mr Tinker, you're going to be my father-in-law, you Mrs Tinker, much as you may hate to hear the word, are going to be my mother-in-law, and Willa you will be my sister-in-law. I'm going to marry Fran. Frances Tinker Esposito! FRAN Wait a minute! Whoever, whatever, I'm going to keep my own name. WINSTON You can go by Frances Tinker Tinker, as far as I'm concerned. Or Tinker Tinker the fourth. But I want to be your husband, and I want you for my wife, in the old-fashioned way, too -- for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live! [Curtain.] END OF ACT TWO, Scene 2. Scene 3. Later that fall. A pleasant day in Central Park. WILLA Well, here we are again! Same old spot. Winston'll be here in a few minutes? FRAN Yes. WILLA And he doesn't know. FRAN No. WILLA Want to tell me what went wrong? FRAN I don't know. Of course, after the first few times, I saw the OBY/GN Doctor Bob recommended, and did just what she told me. Something just slipped through the cracks. WILLA Nice phrase, that. Anyway, it's definite, positively? FRAN Yes. I'm more than a little bit pregnant. WILLA Well, now all that we've been talking about for months and years isn't just academic anymore, is it? Not to mention getting married. FRAN Right. WILLA Any clues, as to how you're thinking? FRAN Well, I have two decisions to make. WILLA Winston, and the baby. FRAN Let's keep it as neutral as possible, okay? WILLA Okay. FRAN No matter what, let's not let this come between you and me, understand? So let me say it my way. There are two things for me to make up my mind about -- whether to get an abortion or not, and whether to get married. WILLA May I take a time out, and make my pitch on the abortion part of it, now? FRAN Then forever hold your peace? WILLA I'll try. In fact your getting pregnant has galvanized my feelings about it, made me boil them down to three points. One. Abortion is an extremely distasteful, unpleasant, and destructive thing to do. It's a dangerous procedure, any operation is, and there is always the risk of destroying your ability to get pregnant again, and possibly, just possibly, more so for you, in your own special condition. FRAN Objection! WILLA Noted. Two. You can't be positive you'll ever be able to get pregnant again, it's never automatic. You'd be a wonderful mother, and of course a baby is a great way to start a real family going. Three. It's wrong. It's just plain wrong. It's unethical, immoral, wicked, to deprive a healthy human being of life. I won't use stronger language. One, destructive; two, risky; three, wrong. And that's it. What are your thoughts? [Enter Winston, with Lulu. They all greet each other.] FRAN Oh, God, Lulu again! Just what we don't need now. WINSTON Well, look who I found! Still in New York, Lulu? LULU Yes, suh. Jus twelve dollahs short for my ticket. Miss Willa, Mam, do you have a bit more to help me with? WILLA Lulu, we gave you three dollars for your so-called rent, just a minute ago, what did you do with it? LULU It's done gone, Mam, I'se clean out of pocket cash! WILLA The three dollars! What did you do with it? LULU Mam, I'se gonna tell you the strictest truth. I meant to put in savings, but I made a mistake, I done spent it. WILLA On what? LULU Beer, Mam, three cans of Heineken. WILLA You can't buy beer in the park. LULU Well, it is a liquid asset! [He laughs uproariously.] WINSTON Three beers in ten minutes! Some vacation. WILLA Where did you get it? LULU Promise not to tell? WINSTON Yes, we promise, Lulu. LULU >From that ice cream fella, up there. WILLA The Good Humor man? The Good Humor man sells beer? LULU Yes, Mam, right out his freezer. He has five children, and he just caint make ends meet selling just ice cream. You know what it costs in that ..... Olympia place! WINSTON In Olympic Tower! You don't mean to tell me he and his five kids live there! LULU Well, not ezzactly, but he's applied, after the Museum Tower place turned him down. Only thing is his tax return doesn't show enough of income, which is hard to prove in his line of work. But you promised not to tell. WILLA A buck for a Heineken? He can't even live in a shelter for that! FRAN Won't you all please stop? WINSTON Let it roll, Franny, let it roll. LULU You'ze right, Mam, he mostly charges three dollahs a Heineken, but for me, Jus one. I sort of helps him out, watching for the po-lice and all. And I'se a reg'lar, so to speak. WINSTON How about Budweiser? LULU No, Mam, he don't carry that. Only one who can handle Bud is the hot dog man, near the carousel. Two dollahs a pop. WINSTON So, there's an alcohol cartel right here in Central Park. How about a dry martini? LULU No, suh. None that I knows of, but there's some that suspects the pretzle man over by the zoo. WILLA The petting zoo, for children? LULU Yes, Mam, but I hears he won't sell to under fifteen ..... maybe thirteen on a slow day. WINSTON How about ..... some grass, Lulu, any pot around? LULU Not from me, not from me. The supply is too ..... pre-carious, and the demand .... people is too fussy. Give me beer any day, that's steady. FRAN Can we stop this? I have to talk to you, Winston, Willa, both of you, it's important! Lulu, please leave us alone, now? WINSTON Here, Lulu. Go get another Good Humor. [Hands him a dollar.] LULU It is pretty warm today. [Mark hands him another dollar.] WINSTON Now beat it, and don't come back! LULU Thank you, everbody, and good luck, you nice upstandin freaks! Can I gits anyone else a nice cold can of anything? WINSTON No, go on now. [Exit Lulu.] Well, he is a funny guy. Just don't believe a word he says. What's up? WILLA Plenty. WINSTON Parents? WILLA Not yet. WINSTON What's that mean, not yet? FRAN I'm pregnant, Winston. WINSTON Pregnant? Are you sure? FRAN Positive. The rabbit died, or whatever happens now. [Winston goes to Fran, kisses her. She pushes him away gently.] WINSTON I don't know what to say. I thought we were being really careful ..... of course you know, Willa, about us and all? WILLA Yes. FRAN Just some sort of ..... slip ..... it happens. WINSTON Okay. Let me tell you something. This is our problem, and my problem, and whatever happens, I'm here to stay. But, what to do about it, that's mostly up to you. Okay? I know how I feel about it, but how about you? [Pause.] But first, is there any strictly medical reason you couldn't have a baby? FRAN No, there isn't, nothing medical. I've had that out with two doctors. WINSTON But what do you want to do? Or do you know yet? Your parents don't know? FRAN No, they don't. And I don't know. I'm still trying to set my thinking straight. Willa and I, we were just talking. WINSTON Well, you know what I think? I think nobody should try to make up their minds, let's just sort out what's what. WILLA That's what we were starting to do. Abortion, getting married, nothing seems the same when all of sudden it's you. FRAN And us. [Winston takes her hand, releases it.] WINSTON Well, abortion and marrying, those are the issues. Willa, does the fact that it's Fran change your point of view? WILLA No. WINSTON And it's not really an issue with you, Fran? FRAN Right. Willa has made her pitch, believe me, and I'm listening. But I'm going to make up my own mind. WINSTON You've had your say on that, Willa? WILLA Yes. WINSTON Okay. Can I make mine, my pitch? WILLA And forever after hold your peace? Same as I promised? WINSTON Yes. Here's how it is to me. I am going to marry Fran, some day, some how, if I can. Some day I want to start a family with her, some day. But that's the last thing Fran has on her mind now. She has her new career, she just started on it, and I know she wants to go at it full blast, baby or not. It's okay with me if we have a baby now, and it's okay if she doesn't. What's most important is that she becomes my wife, but I won't use this as a reason. [Goes to Fran, hugs and kisses her.] All right, darling? [She kisses him warmly.] FRAN Yes. WINSTON So ..... I want us to get married, now or later, with or without the baby, that's up to you. Either way is fine with me ..... except one thing. If you keep the baby, then I have some rights. If you keep it, I think we should get married. It would be mine, too, won't it? FRAN My dear, I couldn't ask for anything more. But I just can't say anything yet. Should I? WILLA I think you've both said a lot. Let's all give it some time, a couple of days won't make any difference. And ..... Fran ..... I'll support you whatever you decide, on the home front, anywhere, okay? WINSTON And you know you can count on me. FRAN Yes, thank you, thank you both. I'll need all the help I can get. You two are absolute darlings, both wonderful! [The three hug and kiss. Exeunt, Willa forgetting her purse under the bench.] [Lulu enters, opens purse, takes out a number of twenty dollar bills. Puts them back, reluctantly, keeping two. Starts to leave, returns, puts one more bill back. He picks up his suitcase, puts on a luau, exits. Willa returns, finds purse, exits.] [Curtain.] END OF ACT TWO, Scene 3. Scene 4. A few days later. At the Tinker's apartment. Winston and Fran are seated. Fran is massaging Winston's arm, now out of a cast. FRAN Feel fine? WINSTON Yes, thanks. All better, except it's weak. I've started Nautilus, only thirty pounds now, instead of seventy, but it'll get back. Doctor said another six weeks, though. FRAN I'm up to fifty crunches myself, which isn't bad. Have to keep the tummy firm somehow. WINSTON You look great, just great. Mamma and Poppa will be here any minute now. You know how they're going to take it, right? FRAN Your mother, she'll be glad. Your father ..... doubtful? WINSTON At best. And we're not going to mention the pregnancy, right? FRAN Right, one shock at a time. And of course I am still on the fence about keeping it. But the clock is running, twenty-four hours a day. WINSTON You know, every couple has some kind of trouble, including in-law trouble, it's just that this is our particular brand. Right? FRAN I guess. About the marriage part, I don't even know why I hesitated so long. I love you, Winston, and I'm going to be proud to be your wife. [They kiss.] And I adore your mother -- do you think I can start calling her `Mamma'? I'd like to. WINSTON She'd love it. It's wonderful how you two are getting along, warms the cockles of my heart, as they used to say. [Pause.] Imagine, how upset she was at first, and now she's eating right out of your hand. And Poppa, he'll have to come around, that's all. Speaking of in-laws, how about your mother? Carlton, I think we can count on him, but ..... FRAN Time will tell. Either Mother hops on the bandwagon or gets run over. [The maid opens the door and shows in Alberto, Mark and Angela Esposito. All greet each other. Willa enters, while Angela goes around room, feeling and examining.] ANGELA ESPOSITO Like a museum, Franny. Where did so many bew-ti-full tings come from to just one place? FRAN Collected over the years -- can't get rid of them now, Mamma. Is that all right, can I call you `Mamma'? ANGELA ESPOSITO Let-a me show you. [Angela goes to Fran and hugs her warmly.] You getting my picture? FRAN Yes, Mamma. Big and bright. ANGELA ESPOSITO And when can we hear some good news -- about bells and cakes and rings and things? FRAN Maybe today, Mamma. ANGELA ESPOSITO Poppa, did you hear that? Franny, she and our Winston are getting ready! Today, she said. WINSTON Mamma, Fran said maybe. ANGELA ESPOSITO Me, I heard today. FRAN Mamma, let's keep it to ourselves, for a minute? ANGELA ESPOSITO Sure, that news I can keep. But just tell me, my Franny when are you going to ..... [Enter Doctor Bob, with Carlton and Carole Tinker following behind.] WINSTON Shush, Mamma. ANGELA ESPOSITO Okay, okay, shush is the word. But not too long, please. This I can't hold it in forever. [Willa introduces the Tinker and Esposito parents, and Doctor Bob to each other.] DOCTOR BOB Wait for what, Ms Esposito? ANGELA ESPOSITO Just a little something sweet, Doctor Bobby. CAROLE TINKER I'm afraid it's a bit early for tea. Willa do you think you can find some sweets for Mrs Esposito? ANGELA ESPOSITO Thank-a you, maybe later on, Mrs Tink, but ..... CAROLE TINKER Tinker, if you please. ANGELA ESPOSITO Excuse-a me, Mrs Tinker ..... I like-a that name of yours, it remind me of Peter Pan and his little Tinkerbell. Is that-a where it come from? CAROLE TINKER In this country we trace the name, Carlton's of course, to the first half of the seventeenth century. In North Carolina, I believe. Right, Tinker? CARLTON TINKER Yes. And then back to Cornwall, where the name was Thigpen. ANGELA ESPOSITO Pig-a-pen? Like in the comic page? CAROLE TINKER Thigpen, Mrs Esposito, an ancient, if ..... something or other ..... name ..... what is the word, Mark? I'm sure you'll locate it. MARK May I have a clue? CAROLE TINKER Meaning a word that has a somewhat ungracious ring to it. MARK Unmelodic? CAROLE TINKER No, try again, please. Starts with `Un', then comes `M', you're on the right track. MARK Un ..... mellifluous? CAROLE TINKER Precisely, unmellifluous. I knew you'd come through. Now, where were we? ANGELA ESPOSITO Names from old England, and not-a too hot. CAROLE TINKER Thank you for that observation, Mrs Esposito. You certainly have a concise way of speaking. ANGELA ESPOSITO See, Alberto? She likes-a the way I talk. CAROLE TINKER And your family tree? MARK More like a weed patch outside Naples. ALBERTO ESPOSITO Mamma, you said something about our Winston? WINSTON Okay, everybody, news time! Fran? FRAN I have accepted Winston's proposal. ALBERTO ESPOSITO What? What is this? WINSTON Wait a minute, Poppa. And Mr Tinker, Carlton, I am asking your permission to take your daughter's hand in holy matrimony. ALBERTO ESPOSITO You are going ahead? You ..... two? WINSTON Sure, Poppa. Why not? We love each other, we want to get married. That's the old story, isn't it? [Winston and Fran kiss.] ALBERTO ESPOSITO My son, I didn't know ..... have you thought of ..... DOCTOR BOB We've been over the medical factors, Mr Esposito, and there is no reason for them not to get married. No reason whatsoever. ALBERTO ESPOSITO But ..... WINSTON Poppa, we've talked about this a thousand times. Fran will never walk again, and that's how I'm taking her. But I want the families to agree, to be a part of it, because of her special condition. ALBERTO ESPOSITO It's no condition! She's a ..... CRIPPLE ..... and I won't have my fine son marry a cripple! Never. ANGELA ESPOSITO Poppa, you don't know what you're saying. Already I'd lay-a down my life for Franny, she's so a-wonderful. Who has ever-thing? Look at some of the wrong tings you have done, you Alberto. Look at how is your own son, Mark, who can't a-see much. Who is perfect, anywhere? I'm a-tellin you right here and now, you take-a back those bad words, or you're eat-a dirt the rest of your days. ALBERTO ESPOSITO My son! With all the fine women, with all the girlfriends you've had, why this one? WINSTON Poppa ..... Father. I'm not going to answer that. When you apologize, then you can hear my reasons. Until then, you and I, we don't live on the same planet. Understand? ALBERTO ESPOSITO No. Mark ..... Angela? WINSTON Out! Out you go, out of my sight, and stay out until you take back every word. Go! There's the door. Go, now! Beat it! ALBERTO ESPOSITO Mark? MARK Do what he says, Alberto. He's right, and I'm with him. ANGELA ESPOSITO How can it come to this? How came it to happen? Alberto, fall on your knees and ask to be forgive. [Alberto prepares to exit.] ALBERTO ESPOSITO No, never. Not in a million years. Are you coming with me, Angela? ANGELA ESPOSITO Yes, Alberto, I come with ..... but I give my blessing on these two bew-ti-full children. May God strike me down dead if I didn't! [Alberto and Angela exit.] CARLTON TINKER Strong stuff we're dealing with ..... Fran, Winston. WINSTON Yes, I didn't know it was going to be that bad. Sorry. CARLTON TINKER It makes my reservations seem a little pale. CAROLE TINKER Frances, wouldn't it be better if you rethought the whole thing? FRAN No, it wouldn't. I can feel for Mr Esposito, he's only human. But that's him, and I'm me. I've made up my mind, and although this won't make life any easier, I want to marry Winston. Father? CARLTON TINKER Who am I to stand in the way of such love? God bless you both, and many, many happy days. WINSTON Thank you ..... Carlton. [Carlton shakes hands with Winston.] CARLTON TINKER Welcome to our family, Winston. Carole? CAROLE TINKER Do what you like, do what you like. As usual, my views are disregarded. WILLA Can't you say something a little more constructive? After all, you're her mother. CAROLE TINKER I shan't oppose. And you may be certain I'll perform all the functions propriety demands. [Pause.] And ..... Good luck, Frances. [Carole walks timidly to Fran and kisses her. Fran kisses her warmly.] FRAN Thank you, thank you. You'll be a beautiful mother of the bride, I know it! I love you. [All shake hands, congratulations, etc.] Winston, I know how hard it must have been. And Mark, you too, you both were wonderful. See what an incredible life we can have, all of us? [Curtain.] END OF ACT TWO, Scene 4 Scene 5. A week or so later. In Central Park. Winston enters, wheeling Fran. WINSTON You want to tell me on this spot, right, right here? FRAN Yes, of course, it had to be here, where else? WINSTON Yes. And you have to understand ..... whatever you've decided, it's fine with me. But I keep thinking about how it will look here in wintertime, cold and windy, snow on the bench and nobody around. FRAN Just another stage of the year, darling, that's all. [Pause.] Want to know how I picture it? WINSTON Yes. FRAN I see us right here next fall, you and me on the same old bench, it's a glorious day, and there's ..... a baby carriage. WINSTON Ours? FRAN Ours. [Winston gets on his knees, hugs and kissed Fran.] WINSTON Oh, Fran. I'm so glad. But it's a little scary, for me. You? FRAN Very. WINSTON And you'll get everything fixed up at the office? FRAN It'll be fine. And if that doesn't work, then something else will. The important thing is us ..... the three of us. WINSTON Willa didn't twist your arm too hard? FRAN To tell the truth, her feelings were one part of it. She would have been okay either way, only it's better like this. [Pause.] Your Dad showing any signs of coming around? WINSTON Maybe. And maybe this will help. It's up to him. FRAN I wonder what the wedding will look like. [The stage lights dim. One by one the following are lighted.] [Doctor Bob, seated, middle stage left.] [Alberto and Angela Esposito seated, downstage right.] [Carole Tinker walks downstage, sits, stage left.] [Mark and Winston, dressed in black, down stage right.] [Willa, in pastel, marches downstage, to stage left, facing audience.] [Carlton Tinker wheels Fran, in white, downstage. He stops, leaving her facing stage rear, sits at stage left, next to Carole Tinker.] [Winston moves to right of Fran, they join hands, remain still for a minute or so.] [Carlton and Carole Tinker stand, then sit.] [Winston and Fran kiss. He wheels her chair upstage to `Here Comes the Bride. Lights out.] [Curtain.] END OF ACT TWO At first curtain call Lulu appears, with surfboard. Fran holds a baby. At second curtain call, a little girl wheels pram about, reaches in, hands another baby to Fran. At third curtain call, a little girl wheels toy pram about, takes out a doll baby and plays with it. END OF PLAY