DEUS EX QUANTA by E. F. Doucette CHARACTERS Detective WHITE Detective CHAPEL Doctor JOHN DOE (Deceased) Doctor JOHN DOE (Not deceased) [Author's note: The sections of this play are separated by a device denoted here as a TRANSITION. These are significant because they mark the point in which the play returns to an earlier point (or ahead to a later point) in what would otherwise be a smooth timeline. Needless to say it is important to mark these points, but to do so as briefly as possible. This can be accomplished any number of ways, but the way I envision it is as a brief blackout, preferably accompanied by a loud noise; the WHUMP of a klieg light turning on would be ideal. I liken these transitions to a shutter click between snapshots. To preserve the illusion of the skewed timeline, it may be helpful to block the play in its orginal order first. That order is 1, 9, 5, 10, 2, 7, 4, 8, 3, 11, 6, 12.] ACT ONE SCENE: A room with one door. In the middle of the room is the dead man, JOHN DOE. The Detectives, WHITE and CHAPEL, stand beside the body. WHITE is in the middle of a story. WHITE ...I say to him, look, you were alone with Wigger for for the last ten minutes of his life, right? And he says, yeah, sure I was. And I point out to him that the next time anybody sees Wigger he's got a six inch knife stuck in his chest all the way up to the hilt. And this friggin' yo says, yeah, that's about right. And I say, look, we got your fingerprints on the cards, on the table, on the doorknob, and on the knife, the blood on your shoes and pants match the victim's, and you were seen leaving the building with blood on your hands. CHAPEL Did you? WHITE Did I what? CHAPEL Have his fingerprints on the knife? WHITE Fuck, no. Wigger smudged it all to hell trying to pull the knife out. CHAPEL Inconvenient. WHITE Yeah, Christ I hate that. So anyway, I say all this, right? And he's startin' to look a little spooked, like maybe his story isn't gonna go as far as he thought it would. And I ask him again, you still want to tell me somebody you never saw before, who nobody saw on the street entering or leaving the building, walked in, stabbed Wigger in the chest, and then vanished? And he says no, I was lying about that. So finally, right? Finally this fucking brain donor is gonna give in. But no. He turns around, and with a completely straight face, says Wigger done it himself. CHAPEL Really. WHITE No shit. Wigger Johnson, all one hundred and ten pounds of him, drove a six inch knife through one of his own ribs, his left lung and a few arteries, then danced across the room trying to pull it back out again. CHAPEL Happens all the time. WHITE Oh yeah! I can see it now. "Hey Wigger, betcha can't get this here knife all the way in!" (Both laugh) WHITE Anyhow, then his PD showed and took away all my fun. (Glances down) So, what do we have here? CHAPEL If I were to speculate, I'd call it a murder. You're welcome to your own opinions, of course. (WHITE leans over and examines the body) WHITE Good call. (He checks the neck for a pulse) Yeah, he's dead all right. (They both look around the unfurnished room) WHITE You're the primary on this one, right? (CHAPEL glances at him with one eyebrow arched) CHAPEL You answered the phone. WHITE Don't you remember? When we got into the car, you said, what was it? Oh yeah, you said, hey tell you what, since the last two you took were real motherfuckers, why don't you let me take the next one? CHAPEL I'm not that generous. Besides, I'd never say motherfucker. WHITE Aw, come on, why do I get all the whodunits? CHAPEL Luck of the draw. Sorry. WHITE Why don't you at least sound sorry when you say that? CHAPEL Wouldn't make a difference. You'd still be the primary. WHITE That's not my point. When a man says he's sorry he should sound like he is genuinely sorry, not just courteously sorry. One extra iota of emotional investment in his own words, you know? How difficult is that? CHAPEL As much as I share your sorrow for the loss of meaning in our language, I feel obligated to remind you that unless this man's name is Lazarus, you have a murder to solve. WHITE And if he is? CHAPEL Hmm? WHITE Named Lazarus. CHAPEL Then he'll tell us himself. Quit stalling. WHITE All right, all right. (WHITE gets down on his knees and begins examining the dead man. CHAPEL looks around casually.) WHITE Hey. CHAPEL What? WHITE Where's the scene officer? CHAPEL No idea. Maybe he's upstairs? WHITE I didn't see him. In fact, I don't remember seeing anybody upstairs. CHAPEL The call came from dispatch, right? WHITE Of course it did. CHAPEL He's gotta be around here somewhere. WHITE I know he should be. He's not. CHAPEL I guess you'll have to do without. WHITE Sure, right. I'll just round up the witnesses myself. (To nobody) Hey, so when did you find him? Uh-huh. See anybody else? Did you make the call? Uh-huh. What time was that? Uh-huh. CHAPEL Does this room seem familiar to you? WHITE Don't interrupt. CHAPEL I'm serious. This room looks familiar. Can't quite place it... WHITE You mean like deja-vu? CHAPEL What? WHITE You mean like deja-vu? CHAPEL What? WHITE You mean like... Cut that out! CHAPEL Sorry. WHITE Right. CHAPEL Seriously, this does look familiar. WHITE I really don't care. Do you want to know why? Because I'm standing in the middle of a room with a dead man, n witnesses, no fucking police officers to fill in any details whatsoever, and a lunatic for a partner! CHAPEL I thought they told you I was a lunatic when they partnered us. What I don't understand is why you're so hung up on causes. Who caused this, who caused that, what is this quest for knowledge that has you so wrapped up? (Pause) WHITE I'm a homicide detective! Of course I want to know who did it, it's my job! It's your job too! What the hell's the matter with you? (Pause) CHAPEL Just hurry up and solve the murder. We don't have much time. WHITE Why is that? CHAPEL I don't know. Someone's going to be coming soon, I think. WHITE Are we expecting somebody? CHAPEL We might be. I'm not sure. (Pause) WHITE Where are we? I don't recognize this room, do you? CHAPEL I told you, I... (Stares at audience) WHITE What is it? CHAPEL Nothing. I thought I saw... Never mind. WHITE What? CHAPEL Nothing, I said. Go ahead and solve the murder. (WHITE gives up the argument and examines the body while CHAPEL paces around the room. CHAPEL finds a pair of dice on the floor, studies them, sits down and starts playing with them. WHITE takes a few notes and measures random dimensions from the body with a tape measure.) TRANSITION: Lights up on WHITE, CHAPEL and JOHN DOE, who is alive, and also dead. DOE Is this some sort of a joke? (WHITE examines the body) WHITE We've already covered that. (To CHAPEL) He's dead again. CHAPEL Great. Who did it this time? WHITE Same problem as before, looks like, except... CHAPEL What are you thinking? WHITE Well, we never considered the victim as a possible suspect, did we? Maybe he did it. DOE That body wasn't there before! Now what's going on here? CHAPEL Are you armed, doctor? DOE What? CHAPEL Come on, man, snap out of it. This is a murder investigation! WHITE Yes, as you can see for yourself, you're dead. Now if you want to help us... DOE You're both crazy! (Pause) CHAPEL You do see the body, now, don't you? (Pause. DOE sits in the corner) CHAPEL I don't think he's going to be much help here. WHITE Don't really blame him. I'm sure he was very close to himself. Do you see the hair? (Points to corpse) CHAPEL What about it? WHITE I think you owe me an apology! I told you his hair wasn't right. CHAPEL Oh for God's sake,it looks exactly like when I fixed it. WHITE No, you had it swept up more around the ear. See how it hangs? CHAPEL I did not. Besides, it's academic at this point. WHITE Don't want to admit I was right, do you? CHAPEL I'm not going to argue with you! WHITE Poor loser, you are. CHAPEL Enough! (Pause) CHAPEL Was he killed the same? WHITE Shot through the heart. Just like before. This certainly makes our jobs easier. Here we've been accusing each other for this. CHAPEL Quite a relief. WHITE Why don't you cuff him? CHAPEL Right. (CHAPEL kneels next to DOE) DOE What are you doing? CHAPEL Arresting you. DOE Me? What for? CHAPEL Suicide. Or didn't you know it was a crime to kill yourself? WHITE Would you call this first degree? CHAPEL Oh, definitely. I've never heard of a suicide that wasn't premeditated, have you? WHITE You know, maybe it wasn't a suicide. They say everybody has an exact twin of themselves somewhere in the world. CHAPEL They who? WHITE What? CHAPEL Who is the they that say there is an exact twin somewhere in the world? WHITE I don't know who they is. It's a wives' tale, I guess. CHAPEL Hunh. WHITE What, that automatically makes it untrue? CHAPEL If you're going to base it on superstitious mumblings, yes. WHITE Now that's just cynical. Sure, not all wives' tales are true, but some of them could be. It could be like... like miasma. There you go. CHAPEL Like what? WHITE Miasma. CHAPEL I didn't know you had asthma. WHITE No, no. Miasma is swamp gas. CHAPEL So... WHITE So there was this town in Europe that was built near a swamp... CHAPEL This isn't another wives' tale is it? WHITE No, it really happened, I read about it once. So there was an outbreak of malaria, which, as we all know is carried by mosquitos. But this was the eighteen hundreds, and they didn't know this, but the doctors in this town, they thought that maybe malaria was caused by the miasma from the swamp. So they drained the swamp and surprise surprise, it worked. So they thought they had correctly deduced the cause of the disease, but what in fact happened was that the mosquitos were breeding in the swamp water, and without the swamp the mosquitos died. And without the mosquitos to carry the disease, the plague ended. (Pause) CHAPEL What an utterly useless piece of information. WHITE You're the one who brought it up. CHAPEL I? WHITE Well you're only saying it's useless because you thought I couldn't come up with a good answer to... DOE WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON! (Pause) CHAPEL All right. Here's what we know so far. You are currently dead. You are also currently alive. That about covers it. WHITE We were actually hoping you had more to offer. CHAPEL Yes, why don't you tell us why you killed yourself? DOE I didn't! CHAPEL Well, neither of us did it. WHITE Yes, our consciences are clean. We're the detectives, right? CHAPEL And you're our only suspect. DOE What did you say? CHAPEL You're the suspect. WHITE And the victim. CHAPEL Very economical, really. (DOE starts to laugh, gaining momentum until he's hysterical.) WHITE What's so funny? CHAPEL Don't know. Maybe he's insane. DOE Don't you understand? (Pause, DOE continues laughing) CHAPEL Of course not. This makes no sense at all. DOE Shroedinger's cat! Don't you see? TRANSITION: The live DOE is gone, and we are back to WHITE and CHAPEL in the midst of a discussion. CHAPEL You don't suppose we might have actually killed him, do you? WHITE No, no,... I'll admit, it sure looks like it, but aside from the evidence... There's no motive, right? We don't even know who this guy is. CHAPEL I don't think anybody's going to be concerned with motive. WHITE Ah, but there is the fact that neither of us actually recalls the event. CHAPEL Maybe we're blocking it out. WHITE Both of us? CHAPEL Some sort of joint psychosis. It could happen. (WHITE stares at him) CHAPEL Maybe not. WHITE This is stupid. I know I didn't kill him, and I know you didn't kill him, so let's find out who did. CHAPEL No, don't. WHITE Why the hell not? CHAPEL What if you find more evidence? WHITE That was sort of the idea. CHAPEL I mean what if you find more evidence against us! WHITE I'm not going to. We didn't do it. You made the same point earlier as I recall. CHAPEL That was before you found proof that we did. WHITE No, no, no. I found evidence that suggested that we might have done it. That isn't the same thing. Now I'm going to find conclusive evidence that we had nothing to do with it whatsoever. And I'm going to find it before they come down and arrest us, don't you think that's a good idea? CHAPEL I hope so. WHITE Besides, we can beat this rap, right? I know a few one-armed man theories that juries fall for all the time. CHAPEL That isn't what I'm worried about. WHITE Then what... oh, I understand. You're afraid you'll go to hell, right? Oooh, scary. CHAPEL Of course I am! That's not the sort of thing one looks forward to. WHITE I think we're already in hell. It couldn't be much worse than this. CHAPEL Don't joke. WHITE Why not? Doesn't God have a sense of humor? I thought He made us in His image? Or did the devil create humor? Maybe that's why he was kicked out, what do you think? One fart joke too many and he gets the boot? Does that sound about right? CHAPEL I don't understand why you're so hostile. WHITE Because you're so damned self-righteous, that's why! Look at you, you're in a cold sweat because you may have committed a sin! I think that's pretty fucking funny after listening to you spout all that crap about your "faith"! CHAPEL It's not self-righteousness, it's self-assurance. WHITE It's bullshit. Look, why don't you just go in the corner and say a few Hail Marys or throw a virgin on the fire, or something. Even better, when we get out of here, why don't you go out and slaughter a few jews! That oughtta clear the whole thing up with with you and the Almighty. Why not, it worked before, right? Oh, wait, here's the perfect thing! Go to a drugstore, stand in the birth control aisle, and tell everybody who looks at a package of condoms that they're going to burn in eternal hellfire. That should be just the thing. CHAPEL Stop that! WHITE Oh, but I'm sure there are plenty of ways you can serve the Lord to make up for this horrible deed. How about going to South America and converting a few thousand natives by force? Oh, wait, I've got it! It's perfect! Bomb an abortion clinic! (CHAPEL draws his gun and aims it at WHITE) CHAPEL Shut up! TRANSITION: Lights up on WHITE, CHAPEL and a live and dead DOE. CHAPEL What are you suggesting, that that silly little mental game... DOE Thought experiment. CHAPEL Whatever you want to call it. Are you saying that can actually explain why you're lying there dead and talking to us at the same time? DOE No, of course not. But the similarities are striking, don't you think? Granted, the comparison goes a bit adrift when one considers that both of you are here as observers... CHAPEL And the fact that your experiment has no bearing on reality. DOE Now hang on. The Schroedinger's Cat thought experiment is designed to describe a type of reality that we would otherwise have trouble comprehending. It's not just a trick of some sort, it's a working example of reality on the quantum level. Besides, the nature of reality has been a subject of dispute since Socrates. CHAPEL No, no, no. Look, it's all well and good to wake up one morning after dreaming you were a butterfly and wonder if you're actually a butterfly dreaming you're a person. It sounds good, and it may be thought provoking, but if you actually believe it, you should be locked up. DOE Nonsense. Reality is inherently subjective. Your reality may be completely different from a blind man's, or a child's, or a person from a different social background for that matter. Reality is what you interpret based on perceptions colored by past experiences. WHITE Oh, cut the bullshit. Look, we're detectives. We get a real phone call from a real person, go to a real murder scene with a real victim, look for some real evidence and use it to try and identify the real murderer. This is our job. We deal with what's reasonable, feasible and possible. What we don't do is stand around and discuss whether the victim is really dead, or whether it's only dead because that's how we see things in our reality, or whether the victim is actually a rabid chicken or we're actually lab rats in a coma on a phsychotic fugue of some sort or whether anybody heard the damn tree fall in the damn forest, because that would be a waste of time! Don't act so goddamn superior just because you have the luxury of participating in this extended scientific navel-gazing and we don't. DOE Now who's acting superior? My work is no less valid than yours. Besides, we're more similar than you would think. We both deal primarily with the theoretical, and we both strive to prove it. But since you are both such hard-core pragmatists, I defy you to give me a working definition of real. CHAPEL Fine. This floor is real. I know because I can feel it. It's solid. DOE Did you know that over ninety-nine percent of the atom is empty space? (Pause) WHITE Aha! I think, therefore I am. DOE But once you've gotten past that how do you prove that I'm real? CHAPEL Look, any rational person can reason that they and the people and things around them are solid and real. To entertain the notion that what we see, hear, smell, feel and touch are not real is to court madness. Now if you're going to stand there and tell me that as far as you're concerned it's entirely possible for you to be alive and dead at the same time I'm going to tell you you're insane. DOE I'm not saying that at all. I can't explain it any better than you can, but I do contend that reality is far more elusive than your tunnel vision allows. Besides, you can see me. By your own reasoning I must be both alive and dead because you are experiencing such a thing right now. CHAPEL I didn't say that. I said that if you want to tell me that such a thing is possible then I would say you're mad. DOE I don't see the difference. Obviously, if it has happened then it is possible. CHAPEL No. In the world that I am familiar with this is completely impossible. And no matter how much you argue for argument sake I think this is equally impossible in your world as well. DOE If it is absolutely impossible, how did it occur? CHAPEL There is only one logical conclusion. Divine intervention. WHITE Here we go. DOE Are you serious? CHAPEL I don't consider this anything less than miraculous, do you? WHITE (Lighting a match) Ooh, look. I make fire! CHAPEL Stop that. DOE To what end? CHAPEL What do you mean? DOE Most miracles tend to have a purpose of some sort, don't they? A divine imposition of some higher order, that sort of thing? CHAPEL Who are we to question? I'm sure there is a higher purpose of some sort at work, but, to paraphrase, who are we to interpret the mind of God? (Pause) DOE Fine. I accept your reasoning. WHITE What? DOE I think that's a perfectly acceptable explanation of this event. It has a solid historical foundation. CHAPEL What do you mean by that? DOE And perhaps Apollo drives the sun across the sky in a golden chariot and the Earth rests on the back of a giant turtle. As far as explanations go, it's a perfectly reasonable one, at least until we can explain it in more rational terms. Oh, I'm sure you'd rather we stopped right there and announced that God did this, we don't know why, and leave it at that, wouldn't you? And it follows, at least historically, that any attempt to explain it scientifically will be met by further resistance. Galileo must remain under lock and key, after all. CHAPEL You asked for an explanation and I offered you one. A more complete answer than any you could possibly come up with. DOE Yes, it's an answer for everything, isn't it? Why is the sky blue, how did life come about, why did this man die? As a means of divining order from a chaotic universe your explanation is unparalleled, but not necessarily correct. After all, I can't even predict with any degree of accuracy where a single particle of matter will be after I have stopped observing it, but you can, can't you? "It's wherever God wants it." WHITE Besides, with a big enough computer, you could make that kind of prediction, take God out of the picture completely. That's why I don't understand you, Chapel. Don't you realize how little there is left for God? We can explain most everything now with science. DOE (Laughing) Really, now, don't be ridiculous. WHITE What? Hey, I'm on your side here... DOE Yes, I know, that's what's frightening. Tell me, did you just fall asleep after Newton in high school science class, or are they really teaching that? WHITE There's no need to be rude. DOE They may as well still be teaching creationism! Oh, don't feel bad, but please, don't try and defend me with outmoded Newtonian precepts, because Isaac Newton was completely off the mark. Not that it was his fault. Given the limitations of his era, the lack of particle accelerators in the eighteenth century and all... WHITE Now hang on... DOE He once said that given enough time to perform the calculations it was possible to predict the future location of every particle in the universe, like it was some sort of gigantic clock! Tell me, detective White, have you ever heard of chaos theory? WHITE No. DOE It's a mathematical theory that begins right where Newton went wrong. You see it is possible to predict rather precisely what will happen when two particles collide, at least on paper. But if you add a third particle to the equation it becomes mathematically too complex. Three particles, and that's without accounting for friction or gravity. Similar instances occur in every area of the physical sciences. For over a century scientists were testing theories on simple models only- half the time in a theoretical, frictionless superspace- and excusing themselves from more complex experiments because the number of variables made it too difficult to work out. But that's just the problem; there are no simple models in the real world. What chaos mathematicians have done is accept that the majority of interactions in the physical world are essentially chaotic and therefore entirely unpredictible. Given your line of work I can imagine you've encountered unpredictibility in a complex system quite often. (To CHAPEL) I imagine you don't much care for chaos theory, do you? CHAPEL I've stopped listening to you. DOE I'm sorry, did I get too technical again? You know, you spend enough time with persons of similar educational background, you forget the layman perspective sometimes. This has actually been somewhat refreshing. CHAPEL I don't much care for your theories, and since they're not relevant, I don't have to. DOE Ah, I see. And you? WHITE I think you talk too much. DOE Mmm. Just so. Well I do have a terrible headache, perhaps you're right about that. (DOE sits downstage. WHITE walks casually over to CHAPEL.) TRANSITION: WHITE, CHAPEL and the dead DOE. WHITE Hey, what've you got there? CHAPEL (Rolling) Dice. I found them on the floor. WHITE Don't touch them! They're evidence! CHAPEL I'll be sure not to break them. Besides, you can't get a fingerprint off a pair of dice. They're too small and people don't hold them in their fingers. WHITE Do you want to be the primary? CHAPEL Not a chance. WHITE Then stop deciding what is and isn't important. You find the only thing remotely resembling a clue, and not only do you not tell me, you start playing with it. You know, just because you aren't the primary doesn't mean you get to sit around and do nothing. Where did you find them? CHAPEL Right here. (Points to spot) (WHITE hooks one end of his tape measure to the deceased's belt and measures the distance to the spot where the dice were found.) CHAPEL Why on earth are you doing that? WHITE I'm putting together the crime scene. What do you think? CHAPEL What I mean is, what difference could the distance between him and the dice make? WHITE How do you ever manage to solve cases? CHAPEL Well I've certainly never bothered to take measurements, if that's what you mean. I call that a waste of time. WHITE I call it the scientific method. CHAPEL I see. And what, according to the scientific method, does this particular measurement prove? WHITE I am attempting to determine whether the dice were dropped by the victim, or by the killer. CHAPEL And the distance between the body and the dice answers that question for you? WHITE Certainly. Say, for instance, the victim was clutching the dice in his hand at the time he was shot. CHAPEL He was shot? WHITE Yes. Once through the heart. And as I'm sure you know, that kind of wound and the man's down in about two seconds. Now, if the victim were holding the dice, he'd probably drop them, seeing as how holding one's dice wouldn't be a really high priority at this point. In which case they would be much closer to his body. He could've thrown them, or let them go as his arm moved up to clutch the wound, but there's no blood on his hands, so I don't think he even had time to touch the wound. And I doubt he would have thrown them, because that would be stupid. Now, suppose he did drop them. Is it possible for the dice to have rolled that far? CHAPEL How do you intend to solve that question? WHITE Testing it. CHAPEL Are you going to shoot somebody? WHITE Of course not. Just throw the dice a few dozen times and see how far they go. Of course I can only guess how much force was applied to throwing the dice, since he would've done it underhand while falling backwards. If none of the tosses makes it far enough, then I've proven something. (Pause) CHAPEL What is it that you've proven? WHITE That the dice were dropped by somebody else. CHAPEL The killer. WHITE Presumably. CHAPEL Oh, presumably! WHITE Uhm, yeah. There is always the possibility that a third person dropped the dice. Which, actually, would be even better, since, that would mean there was a killer and an accomplice. CHAPEL Could you prove that? WHITE Not conclusively, no. Not from this evidence alone, I mean. But, it could help support other evidence. CHAPEL What other evidence is that? WHITE I don't know yet! I might, if I weren't busy trying to explain myself to you! (WHITE indignantly snatches his tape measure from the ground and returns to the body. Pause) CHAPEL Hey. WHITE What? CHAPEL What if he had the dice in his mouth? WHITE What? CHAPEL You say that a pair of dropped dice couldn't have possibly rolled this far, and while I think you're underestimating the random nature of a pair of rolling dice, I'll concede that point. But I bet he could have spit the dice that far. WHITE That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. CHAPEL No, think about it. He gets shot, right? The impact, and the shock, causes him to expel all the air in his lungs, which propels the dice across the room... WHITE Why the fuck would he have the dice in his mouth? CHAPEL I don't know. But if he did... Well, wouldn't that be significant? Wouldn't that tell you something? WHITE Like what? That he liked to eat dice? CHAPEL Well, we don't know what it means now, but if it supported other evidence... WHITE Now I know you're just trying piss me off. CHAPEL Not at all. I'm trying to use your method, the scientific method, to help you solve the case. WHITE By what stretch of the imagination is that an example of the scientific method? CHAPEL Now, see, now you've gotten me confused. I thought that your goal was to use the available facts to build a case. It is a fact, for instance, that the dice were found fifteen feet away from the body. Also, based on your logic, if the deceased was holding the dice when he was shot, then it would have been very difficult for him to get the dice that far across the room in the two seconds of life he had remaining. You also proposed proving this theory by the somewhat specious method of tossing dice a few dozen times. Now, ignoring for the moment that you've made this entire exercise a case study in supposition- by supposing, for instance that the dice weren't in the room before the murder took place, by supposing that they had something to do with the murder at all, in fact- I'm merely pointing out that you've overlooked another potential method for the deceased to get the dice across the room. As far as I'm concerned, if you're going to assume that the dice were in his or the killer's possession before the murder, but choose to overlook the possibility that he may have had the dice in his mouth, then you've just crossed the line beyond which lies pure guesswork. WHITE Fine, then you tell me what choice I have. I'm stuck in a room with absolutely no furniture, no windows, no dirt, for Chrissake, and all I have to go on is a dead guy and a pair of dice, and you tell me what else I can do with it! CHAPEL All I'm saying is that you're guessing. If you want to call it guessing, I'm all for it, but don't tell me you've come to this conclusion using measurements and science. He may very well have been killed because of an argument over a game of dice, but that's only a guess. (Pause) WHITE Fine. How would you solve it, professor? CHAPEL I certainly wouldn't be hanging around in this room, especially when it's obvious there's nothing here worthy of being considered evidence. But obviously there's a killer out there with a guilty conscience. Once I get him or her in the interrogation room, I'm sure it'll all come spilling out. WHITE Just like that, huh? CHAPEL Essentially. WHITE You going to drag the entire city in one by one? CHAPEL Of course not. He was killed by somebody he knew. Why else would he have been alone in the room with him? WHITE A guess, correct? CHAPEL No, no, you can't turn this around on me. I don't make any claims about evidential verisimilitude. Of course it's a guess, but it's a guess based on instinct. And experience, of course. WHITE I see. Well, let's go then. CHAPEL Don't you want to finish your examination first? WHITE Why bother? I've got the Amazing Kreski, Psychic Extraordinaire as a partner. You just warm up your evil eyeball, right? Tell you what, when we meet up with the guilty party, you read his aura and give me the signal, and I'll slap the cuffs on. (WHITE tries the door and discovers it to be locked) WHITE Um... CHAPEL Turn the knob, then pull. (WHITE pulls harder on the door) WHITE You're not claustrophobic, are you? CHAPEL Not that I know of. WHITE Good. I'd hate to be stuck in a windowless locked room with an armed claustrophobic. CHAPEL The door's locked. WHITE Brilliant. CHAPEL Well. (Pause) Let's solve the murder then. (WHITE throw his arms up in exasperation. CHAPEL leans over and examines the body.) CHAPEL Shot through the heart... WHITE I know that. CHAPEL No visible marks or abrasions... WHITE I know that. CHAPEL No evidence of a struggle... WHITE I KNOW! (Pause) CHAPEL No need to raise your voice. I can hear you just fine. (WHITE walks away, disgusted) CHAPEL Judging from the lack of rigor, I'd say he hasn't been dead for long. We should dust for prints. WHITE Yeah, right. I'll just ask one of the lab boys to do it. (To nobody) Hey, you, yeah, wanna dust the body for prints? And why don't you start taking your photos now? Don't miss any angles. Oh, I forgot, THERE'S FUCKING NOBODY HERE! CHAPEL Tut, tut. From your mouth to His ears. WHITE Oh, don't you even get started on that bullshit. (CHAPEL ignores him. Pause) WHITE Wait a minute. He was shot at close range by someone who was standing in this room with him, right? Hell, you can still smell gunpowder in the air. Could've been as recent as, what, fifteen, twenty minutes ago? The door is locked, there are no windows... we both have guns... CHAPEL What are you prattling about now? WHITE What time do you have? CHAPEL Quarter to four. WHITE That means... Wait a minute. We left the station at a quarter to four. That can't be right. CHAPEL Well that's what...(Stares at watch. Taps it. Listens to it.) Huh. WHITE Yeah? CHAPEL My watch is running backwards. WHITE You're kidding. CHAPEL No, listen. It's going 'Kit, Kit, Kit.' WHITE Grand. What an alibi this is going to be. "We arrived twenty minutes before the estimated time of death and found him deceased." CHAPEL Alibi? Why on earth would we need an alibi? WHITE Because it's what the evidence suggests, you asshole. If you found two men with guns alone in a locked room with a deceased shooting victim wouldn't you assume the same thing? CHAPEL Not if I was one of the men, no! (Pause) WHITE Yeah, I guess that's true. Still, we need some sort of alibi. (Pause) CHAPEL I was with you at the time. What's your alibi? (Pause) WHITE That's no good. CHAPEL On the positive side, if my watch is right we'll be arrested before we even got here. WHITE How can you joke? CHAPEL I don't see what you're so worried about. We didn't do it. WHITE I know we didn't do it! CHAPEL Then relax. When they get here we'll just tell them we came here to investigate the murder. That is what we're here for, right? WHITE And when they look at the evidence and decide we did it? CHAPEL But we didn't do it. WHITE But it looks like we did! CHAPEL But we didn't. (Pause) WHITE I don't understand you at all. CHAPEL (Gets to his feet) Okay. As a homicide detective you've spent the last several years examining clinical evidence, building up cases against suspects, coming to logical conclusions when the weight of the evidence was sufficient to incriminate one or more individuals. Do you believe that every single one of the persons you've had indicted were guilty? WHITE Yeah.... CHAPEL Good. Now turn it around. If you are a murderer, isn't it safe to assume that eventually the weight of the evidence- provided there is a sufficient amount of it- will inevitably point toward you? WHITE Sure. CHAPEL And if you are not the murderer, isn't it obvious to assume the opposite? That the evidence will inexorably point toward someone else? WHITE Um... CHAPEL I think you see my point. (Pause. CHAPEL pulls off his watch and examines it more closely. WHITE puzzles over his logic.) WHITE How can you be so sure that whoever investigates this will decide we didn't so it? CHAPEL (Sighs) One more time. We didn't do it. Therefore they won't "decide" we did do it. Besides, no-one else will come here to investigate the murder. That's what we're here for. WHITE I don't know... CHAPEL Relax. Have a little faith. WHITE Don't start with that crap again. CHAPEL It isn't crap, it's a well-established belief system. You make it sound like I'm the only Christian you've ever met. WHITE You kidding? A religious homicide detective is like a... a homosexual republican, or a small-breasted Swedish woman. They may exist, but you just don't see them very often. CHAPEL You're exaggerating. (WHITE starts to say something, then changes his mind.) WHITE Ah, forget it. Let's get back to the stiff. TRANSITION: In the darkness, footsteps are heard in the distance, coming down wooden steps. When the lights come up, the body is no longer in the center of the room. The door swings open, admitting the live DOE. While WHITE and CHAPEL stand in mute amazement, he closes the door behind him. DOE Sorry to have kept you gentlemen waiting. What can I do for you? (Pause. They continue to stare, looking alternately at the spot where DOE had fallen and at DOE himself.) DOE Gentlemen? WHITE We, ah, that is... CHAPEL There's been a, um... WHITE That is, we thought there was a murder. (CHAPEL walks slowly around DOE, looking for a bullet wound) DOE Goodness! A murder? WHITE Yes, we're homicide detectives, you see. I'm detective White, and this is detective Chapel. CHAPEL (Gesturing to floor) It was right here! WHITE SHHH! DOE Was it... anybody I know? A colleague? WHITE You could say that, yes. That is, if there had been a murder, which, of course there isn't, so... DOE Heavens. WHITE ...there's obviously been a misunderstanding of some sort. We'll just be on our way. (WHITE backpedals towards the door) CHAPEL It's not possible! WHITE Shut up. (WHITE tries the door. It is locked.) DOE Now hang on, this is all very strange... WHITE Where is the key to this door? DOE I have it, but... WHITE Then unlock it! Quickly, you son of a... (Composes himself) I'm sorry, but it's terribly important that you open this door. Official police business. You understand. DOE No, I'm afraid I really don't... CHAPEL WHAT'S GOING ON? (Pause) DOE Let me get that door. WHITE Thank you. (DOE reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of dice. He stares at them momentarily with a 'what are these doing here?' expression, and then tosses them aside on the floor. This act causes CHAPEL to leap backwards as if the dice were grenades. DOE continues to dig in his pocket, but comes up empty. He searches his other pockets for an excruciatingly long time.) DOE Ahh... WHITE What? DOE I know where they are. WHITE Oh good. DOE I left them in the door! WHITE YOU WHAT? DOE I do apologize. This is very embarrassing. I'm afraid I can be a bit of an absent-minded professor type at times. WHITE Oh, God. (WHITE sags against the wall and to the floor. CHAPEL remains fixated on the dice) DOE You know the last time I did this I was stuck for nearly an hour! Oh, I hope this isn't too inconvenient for you. (Pause) DOE So while I have you... perhaps you could tell me what this is all about? (Pause) DOE I... don't believe I've introduced myself properly. I'm Doctor John Doe. (Pause) DOE With a name like that I'm surprised you aren't investigating my murder! (He laughs. They don't.) DOE Ah. Well. Are you two... okay? CHAPEL (Slowly, as though speaking to a rabid dog) Do you have the time? DOE Why yes! It's three-fifteen. (CHAPEL re-examines his watch, then gets up and walks over to WHITE, who still has not moved.) DOE Oh, I know. Impressive, isn't it? Never had much of a need for a timepiece, to tell you the truth. I've got an internal clock up here (points to temple) that works just as well. CHAPEL (To WHITE) You see? (WHITE examines the watch and then buries his face in his hands.) DOE It's not fooled by the equinox, either, amazingly enough. (Pause) Oh, here's a funny story! One time, my graduate class in theoretical physics tried to toy with me by setting all their watches ahead and arriving ten minutes early to try and make it look as if I was late! Of course, I wasn't fooled for a moment, no sir... CHAPEL (To DOE) My watch is ticking. DOE Ehhh, yes. Good. It's a Timex, is it? Very dependable brand... CHAPEL It wasn't ticking before! DOE Listen, I said I was sorry about the keys... CHAPEL It was running backwards! (Pause) DOE All right now I've had enough. I don't know what's the matter with the two of you, but frankly I think you're both a little bit disturbed. CHAPEL You're supposed to be dead! (Pause) DOE What? CHAPEL (Focusing on floor) There's no blood! (To WHITE) No blood! WHITE No evidence. DOE (Shouting at ceiling) HELLO? WHITE Wait. DOE HELLO? I'M DOWN HERE! WHITE (Gets up) Chapel. There's no evidence! DOE THIS IS DOCTOR JOHN DOE! I'M TRAPPED DOWN HERE WITH TWO LUNATICS! THE KEYS ARE IN THE DOOR. CHAPEL You saw him, he was right here. There was blood and everything. WHITE There's nothing there now, right? It never happened! None of it happened. DOE CALL THE POLICE! WHITE You can't have a murder without a body! DOE I don't think there's anybody up there. CHAPEL You saw him, didn't you? WHITE Forget it. Our secret. DOE HELLO? WHITE Doctor? DOE Don't touch me! WHITE Please, let me explain. We really are homicide detectives, and... (WHITE opens his jacket) DOE Oh my God, you have a gun. HELLO? WHITE No, no, no. Calm down. I just want to show you my badge. (Shows him) See? This is all very simple really, you see, we received a report about a body, and... CHAPEL Yes, that's it. We were told it was a John Doe, and... WHITE ...But of course there was no body at all. Absolutely no body. CHAPEL No, no bodies here. WHITE So this is all a mistake. A prank of some sort. CHAPEL You understand, I'm sure. (Pause) DOE No, I really don't. WHITE Okay, fine, the truth is, before you walked in here you were lying dead on the floor and his watch was running backwards. (Pause) DOE HELLO! CHAPEL There he goes again. DOE ANYBODY? WHITE Maybe we should let him continue. At least we'd be out of this room. DOE HELLO? CHAPEL We should be so lucky. DOE All right, I'm going to stay over here, okay? Right over here. You two just stay right where you are. Don't come near me, or I swear... just... don't come near me. WHITE That's fine with me. CHAPEL No problem here. (They all sit, at opposite ends of the room. Pause) WHITE What are you a doctor of? DOE What? WHITE What are you a doctor of? DOE I... have a doctorate in physics. I teach here at the university. WHITE University! DOE Ah, yes. WHITE We're at the university! CHAPEL What sort of physics? DOE All sorts. But I specialize in quantum physics. CHAPEL Ah. (Pause) CHAPEL So... what's the difference? DOE Pardon? CHAPEL Between physics and quantum physics. (DOE gets to his feet) DOE Well, simply put, quantum physics deals with physics on a very small scale. Such as a quanta, for example. CHAPEL Ah. (Pause) DOE A quanta is the equivalent of one particle of light. It's the point at which energy can no longer be divided. CHAPEL Ah. (Pause) DOE So. Really now. Why are you gentlemen here? CHAPEL We told you. You didn't believe us. WHITE Not that we blame you. I'm having some trouble with it myself. DOE If you're going to go on about my being dead, I'm going to have to start screaming again. (Pause) WHITE Do you have your wallet? DOE What? WHITE (Getting up) Your wallet, do you have it on you? Should be in your right jacket pocket. DOE Yes, yes, it's right here. (He pulls it out and displays it. WHITE pulls out an identical wallet from his pocket and hands it to DOE. DOE looks inside the duplicate wallet.) DOE My license. (He opens his own wallet and verifies that he still has his own license.) DOE A remarkable duplicate. I take it you're suggesting this came from my corpse? WHITE Well... CHAPEL We meant to put it back, but... WHITE We didn't steal it or anything. DOE Duplicate credit cards as well... This really is impressive. Here you go. (He hands the wallet back to WHITE) WHITE No, keep it. It's yours. DOE I have mine. Besides, I'm sure you paid quite a bit of money to have all that done up. You may as well hang on to it. WHITE We didn't pay anything for it! Do you think this is some sort of prank? DOE Yes, and poorly executed I'd say. Aside from the wallet that is. Honestly, you two aren't the least bit convincing. The least you could have done was have a corpse for me to stare at. WHITE We had one. CHAPEL It vanished. DOE Of course it did. After all, I can't be alive and dead at the same... (DOE starts to laugh riotously) WHITE (To CHAPEL) What's so funny? CHAPEL I don't know. DOE I get it! Oh, that's very good! (To ceiling) WHITMAN? YOU CAN LET US OUT NOW. He did pull a good one this time, although I have to say a body would have really put a cap on the whole thing. WHITMAN? CHAPEL Um, we don't know what you're.... DOE Oh, you can stop that now. I get it! (Laughs) I can't believe he even went through all this trouble. Hiring actors, even! WHITE You think we're actors? DOE Well... Only in the broadest sense of the word. WHITMAN? He must be around here somewhere. It was professor Whitman who put you up to this, wasn't it? Tallish gentleman, large nose, bad toupee? I'm sure he was behind this one way or another, especially after that argument we had over the cat. CHAPEL Cat? WHITE You had an argument about a cat? CHAPEL Whose cat was it? Whitman's? DOE No, no, it was Schroedinger's cat. WHITE You were arguing about someone else's cat? What did the cat do? DOE WHITMAN? Oh, come now, where is he? I'm sure he'd want to be around for the coup de grace. WHITE I'd think if you were going to argue with anyone about the cat it would be Schroedinger. CHAPEL He'd be the one responsible for him, after all. DOE Don't be silly. Erwin Schroedinger's been dead for years. WHITE Ah, so Whitman's been tending to Schroedinger's cat for him. CHAPEL That makes sense. DOE No, no, it's not a real cat. It's a theoretical one. Schroedinger never owned a real cat. WHITE A theoretical cat? CHAPEL I didn't know there was such a thing. WHITE I imagine they'd be easier to train, though. DOE (Exasperated) Let me explain. In brief. Take a radioactive isotope with a half-life of, say ten minutes, and a geiger counter attached to a vial of cyanide. Stick them into a box with a cat. Now, if the isotope decays and releases a particle it is detected by the counter, which is rigged to break the cyanide capsule in such an event. If the cyanide is released, the cat dies. Now, seal the box and wait ten minutes. Are you with me so far? (They nod) Good. As you know... or perhaps you don't... there is exactly a fifty percent chance that in ten minutes the isotope will decay and release a particle, which will release the cyanide, killing the cat. CHAPEL That seems awfully cruel, doesn't it? WHITE I had no idea physics was so violent. DOE You're missing the point. What do you suppose you will find inside the box after ten minutes? A live cat or a dead cat? (WHITE and CHAPEL confer) WHITE What do you think? CHAPEL It's a trick question. It must be. WHITE (To DOE) How are we supposed to know for sure without opening the box? DOE Exactly! CHAPEL I was going to say that, you know. DOE You can't know until you open the box. CHAPEL That seems like an awfully stupid experiment, if you don't mind my saying. DOE No, no. Pay attention. Is the cat dead or alive before the box is opened? WHITE Didn't we just cover that? You don't know until you open the box. DOE Yes, and until that point the cat is neither dead nor alive. Or, if you prefer, the cat is both dead and alive. Until observed, the cat exists in a superimposed state of neitherness. CHAPEL I don't think that's a word. WHITE That's silly. Of course it does. Just because we don't know which one it is doesn't mean it's not one or the other. DOE That's what he said! WHITE Who? DOE Whitman. He's as dense as you two. Perhaps that's why he hired you. The idea is, the cat is neither alive nor dead until observed as one or the other. Reality is defined by observation! (Pause) WHITE That seems just a bit egotistical, don't you think? DOE Ego has nothing to do with it. This comes from direct experimental proof. CHAPEL Oh, that makes sense. "Aha! The cat is dead! Aha! The cat is alive!" DOE You don't understand. This is one of the most fundamental aspects of the universe. WHITE I didn't know cats were so important. CHAPEL Ah, but these are theoretical cats. (They laugh) DOE Shut up! BLACKOUT END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO SCENE: Same as ACT ONE. WHITE and CHAPEL and the dead DOE. WHITE (While examining body) You know, you may have been right back then. CHAPEL What, that he spit the dice across the room? I was only kidding. WHITE Not that. When you said he could have been killed over a game of dice. It's as good an answer as any. CHAPEL No less likely, the killer was carrying the handgun in his pants pocket with the dice, and the dice came spilling out when he drew the weapon. But I don't see what difference it makes. WHITE If the man was killed over a game of dice, I have a reason, a cause. Motive, you ape. CHAPEL That's what I mean. If you can find evidence to pin down your murderer, what does it matter why he did it? WHITE It restores order to the lifeless void that is my universe. C'mon, don't you look for a reason behind the cases you work? CHAPEL Only insofar as it may help me catch the man. But I don't look at it as something I need. So have you ever come across with a good reason to kill somebody? WHITE If you keep asking me those damned ass-breaking philosophical questions, I'm going to have a very good reason. CHAPEL I'm serious. Are you curious because you just want to know, or because you're hoping that it was a good reason? Some kind of justification, perhaps. WHITE Will you stop it? I mean, Jesus, one minute you're an almost normal detective, the next minute you're the fucking Buddha in the bo tree. CHAPEL We are locked in here. Thought it would be a good chance to get to know you better. (Pause) WHITE What? CHAPEL It just seems that we never really talk. We haven't worked together long, and I'm interested to know more about you. (Pause) WHITE If you make a pass at me I'll fucking shoot you. CHAPEL And would you consider that justifiable? WHITE Stop it! CHAPEL Okay. Sorry. (Pause. WHITE examines body) CHAPEL It's under the bo tree, by the way. WHITE What? CHAPEL Buddha was under the bo tree, not in the bo tree. That would be silly. WHITE I don't care if Buddha had a bo tree shoved up his ass. It wouldn't help me... Hey, what's this? (He pulls a scrap of cloth from the deceased's hand) CHAPEL What did you find? WHITE Come here. (CHAPEL comes closer and WHITE grabs his shirt) CHAPEL What are you doing? WHITE Your shirt is torn. CHAPEL (Examining the tear) So it is. Wonder how that happened? WHITE (Reveals the missing scrap) I found this in his hand. He must have torn it away after he was shot. CHAPEL What are you suggesting? WHITE It would appear that the deceased took some evidence with him after you shot him. CHAPEL What?! WHITE How'd you put it? Oh, yeah (imitating) "When all the evidence is collected it will inevitably point toward the correct man." This looks like some pretty damning evidence to me. CHAPEL I didn't shoot him! WHITE Oh? Prove it. CHAPEL (Brief pause) You were with me the whole time. Did you see me shoot him? WHITE No. I didn't see him tear your shirt either, but guess what? CHAPEL And you were with me. That makes you an accomplice. WHITE In a locked room? You didn't need my help to put a bullet through a man's heart, and after you did that I had nowhere to go. Try again. (Pause) CHAPEL Aha! My gun isn't loaded. (He pulls the gun out and shows the clip) See? WHITE What do you mean your gun isn't loaded? What police officer in this city would walk around without a loaded gun? Everybody else does. CHAPEL I have a deep aversion to guns, and given my current line of work, how often do I need one, really? Everybody's already dead by the time I get there. WHITE That's ridiculous. CHAPEL Perhaps. But it's also a remarkably good alibi, don't you think? WHITE Maybe, maybe. Unless you only had one bullet. CHAPEL Why would I load it with only one bullet? Don't be absurd. WHITE All right, maybe you fired all twelve rounds into the victim. CHAPEL He only has one wound. WHITE So you shot him twelve times through the heart. CHAPEL Impossible! Twelve shots through the same bullet hole? You're joking. WHITE Yeah? It's improbable that all of the air in this room will suddenly gather in one corner, but it isn't impossible! Ha, ha! CHAPEL Fine. When that happens, then you can blame this murder on me. (Pause) CHAPEL By the way, how many bullets do you have in your gun? WHITE Twelve. I loaded it this morning. CHAPEL Let's see. WHITE I told you, it's got twelve bullets. CHAPEL Very well, let's count them. WHITE Just take my word for it. CHAPEL No I'm not going to take your word for it. Now stop being such a child and hand over the gun! (WHITE reluctantly hand over the weapon. CHAPEL pulls the clip and hands back the gun. He thumbs the bullets out of the clip.) CHAPEL One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. (Brief pause) WHITE Cut that out! CHAPEL There's only eleven bullets here. WHITE Let me see. (He takes the loose bullets and counts them.) WHITE You palmed one, you bastard. CHAPEL I did nothing of the sort. (CHAPEL tosses WHITE the empty clip and reveals his palms.) WHITE This is ridiculous. (He reloads the clip, fits it back into the gun and holsters it.) TRANSITION: WHITE, CHAPEL and the live DOE. DOE You obviously don't begin to understand the theoretical implications of this idea. CHAPEL I don't see what the big deal is. WHITE Perhaps if you put the cat in a glass box... CHAPEL There's a good idea. DOE No, no, no... The idea of the experiment... Never mind. It's not worth the trouble to explain. WHITMAN? YOU CAN COME DOWN NOW, I FIGURED IT OUT! (Pause) DOE WHITMAN? WHITE Listen, that won't do you any good. We weren't hired by anybody. We've never met professor Whitman. DOE Then who put you up to this? WHITE Nobody did. DOE (Sighs) This ceased to be amusing some time ago. I have a class in another twenty minutes and a great deal of work to do, so I would appreciate it if the two of you would stop being so damned mysterious about this and just explain yourselves. CHAPEL What would you have us explain? DOE Who are you? What are you doing here? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? WHITE There's no need to shout. CHAPEL Besides, we already told you all of that. Would you like us to lie? WHITE We might ask you the same question. We didn't lock the door. CHAPEL Aha! BOTH What? CHAPEL That's it! It's an experiment! (To WHITE) They make a fake phone call to the police department... WHITE That does make sense! They could have been watching us this whole time! DOE What are you talking about? WHITE Don't play dumb with us, pal! CHAPEL There has to be a camera or something in here. WHITE Yeah, or a fake wall. (He begins feeling along the walls) Bet they've been watching us all along. Some sort of behavioral study or something, it musta been. DOE Listen, I don't... CHAPEL Quiet, you! Don't even think for a second that you aren't in big trouble here. WHITE You're not the only one either. (To wall) You got that? (Knocks on wall) Big trouble! (CHAPEL begins feeling along the Fourth wall) DOE This is just a storage room, that's all! WHITE Maybe there's a hidden microphone. CHAPEL No, we're being watched. I can feel it. (CHAPEL stares directly at audience. Pause) WHITE Did you find it? CHAPEL Uh, no, nothing here. DOE Please listen to me. We would never perform an experiment like this. For one thing, it's illegal... WHITE No shit it's illegal. CHAPEL You should've thought of that before. DOE But I haven't done anything! I'm a physicist, not a behavioral psychologist! It's an entirely different department! WHITE You're sick is what you are, going around and sticking cats in radioactive boxes! CHAPEL And poison! You'll be hearing from the ASPCA once we get out of here. DOE I told you, that was a thought experiment! Nobody ever really did it! WHITE (Draws gun) I've got an idea. DOE Omigod, look... WHITE Oh relax. I was going to shoot the glass. DOE Wh... what glass? WHITE The glass in the fake wall. DOE There's no fake wall! CHAPEL He's right. DOE Thank you! CHAPEL It could be in the ceiling for all we know. You'd be wasting your bullets. WHITE Good point. (Holsters gun. To DOE) Look, you. I want you to call off this experiment right now. DOE This is not an experiment! WHITE Stop fucking around! DOE All right. Fine. HELLO? CALL OFF THE EXPERIMENT! THEY'RE ON TO US NOW, SO GO AHEAD AND OPEN UP THE DOOR! THESE TWO ARE TOO SMART FOR US, YESSIR! (Pause) WHITE Why aren't they opening the door? DOE Because this isn't an experiment, you dolt! HELLO, I'M LOCKED IN THE BASEMENT WITH TWO ARMED MEN WHO ARE NOT EXACTLY BRAIN SURGEONS, IF YOU GET MY DRIFT! I COULD USE SOME HELP HERE! (Pause) DOE CANCEL THE TEST, THEY'VE SNIFFED US OUT! WE'RE ALL UNDER ARREST! COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP! WHITE All right, you can stop that. DOE I have it! We've been kidnaped by aliens! They're testing our social skills in crisis situations! They compelled me to leave my keys in the door! (Pause) DOE Well it's no better than your dead body story. CHAPEL We didn't make that one up. WHITE Besides, at least we don't sit around all day thinking about dead cats. CHAPEL Yes, just dead people. DOE Listen, just because you don't understand it... Look, it's fairly obvious at this point that none of us is responsible for our current fiasco, but I'm not going to sit here until God knows when listening to the two of you ridicule a perfectly sound scientific theory. Would you like to explain it to you? Really explain it? WHITE I hope he doesn't start killing dogs now. DOE I'm serious! (CHAPEL and WHITE look at one another) CHAPEL Sure, go ahead. WHITE We're not going anywhere. DOE All right then. Question. Is light a wave or a particle? (Pause) DOE Well? WHITE A wave? CHAPEL A particle. DOE Correct! CHAPEL Which one of us? DOE Both of you. WHITE I don't think you understand the concept of 'explain.' You see, it means you're supposed to make something simpler. DOE All right then. Say you're both called out to a murder scene but you arrive separately. Detective White, you get there looks at the body and say, well, he's dead. Just to verify this you check for a pulse. No pulse, your diagnosis is correct. Then detective Chapel, you arrive and say, no, he's alive. Then you check for a pulse, and you find one. Conclusion: the man is still alive. How is this possible? CHAPEL One of us has been drinking. DOE (To WHITE) It's possible because when you arrived at the scene, you concluded that the man was dead, and therefore, he was dead. (To CHAPEL) and when you arrived you concluded that he was alive, and therefore, he was alive. WHITE That oughtta make our jobs easier. Hey, Chapel, from now on, let's just decide they're alive. DOE Try to pay attention? I'm illustrating a point. CHAPEL A strange point. DOE Yes it is strange. But on a quantum level, that's essentially how things work. There is a test designed to prove that light is a wave. It's actually very simple. You set up an opaque screen, with two slits in it, in front of a sheet of photgraphic film. Then you point a light at it. If light is a wave then some of the light coming through the left slit will cancel out some of the light coming through the right slit, because one wave's peak is nullified by another wave's valley. This will result in a sort of checkerboard effect, which is what the test results do in fact show. Therefore, light is a wave. WHITE So I was right! DOE But, using the same experiment, if you assume that light is a particle, cover up one slit and set up a sensor at the other slit. The sensor detects when an individual light particle passes by. This time, instead of getting a checkerboard on the photographic film, you get little dots, like bulletholes, from each light particle. If you uncover the second slit, you get a wave pattern again. But best of all, if you put a sensor at both open slits, you get two sets of bullet holes. (Pause) DOE I've lost you completely again, haven't I? I'm sorry, I tried to use small words. CHAPEL Are you suggesting that the light knows what it's being tested for? DOE I'm suggesting that the act of testing it with a specific result in mind creates the desired result. You test a body with the notion that it is alive, and as a result, the body is alive. WHITE Where does the cat show up in all of this? DOE Ah. If I test light to be a particle, it is a particle. If I test it to be a wave, it is a wave. What is it if I choose not to test it at all? (Pause) DOE It's both! Or neither, if you prefer. (Pause) CHAPEL That doesn't make any sense at all. DOE Of course it does. And they've performed similar test on electrons, key elements in the atomic structure of everything. Electrons do not behave like orbiting planets in that neat little design that we all learned in biology class. We aren't even certain that electrons are particles. They can actually jump from one location to another within the atom instantaneously, without traversing the space in between, which is a physical impossibility in the real world. They also have no mass, which means that they can travel backwards and forwards through time, because, as you must know, there is a direct relationship between mass and time, so if the mass is equal to zero, then time is cancelled out. In theory, it's possible that there is only one electron in the entire universe, and it's bouncing back and forth through time, existing simultaneously everywhere. There's even the possibility of parallel realities, which... I'm sorry, I've started to babble, haven't I? WHITE A bit, yes. CHAPEL Too many science fiction novels, I think. Electrons, bouncing through time? Now I know you're joking. DOE Not at all. Time is a strictly observational phenomenon. Just because we happen to see time travel in a specific direction doesn't mean that it actually goes in that direction. Nor, for that matter does it mean that time actually exists outside of our minds. But that's not the point I'm trying to make. What this all means is that the building blocks of reality, as we know it, consists of unreality. Subatomic particles cannot even be defined as particles until we observe them. You can define a body as being dead, but it is not safe to assume, if you leave the body, that it is still dead when you are not observing it to be so. (Pause) WHITE (To CHAPEL) Do you see that? CHAPEL I see it. DOE What? What is it? WHITE Look behind you. (DOE turns and sees his own body lying dead on the floor, in the exact same position as before. He stares at it for a long time.) CHAPEL That must be one of those unreal things you were talking about. TRANSITION: In the darkness, again, the sound of footsteps, a bit louder now. Lights up on WHITE, CHAPEL and the dead DOE. WHITE Help me roll him over, will you? CHAPEL Sure. (They roll the corpse) CHAPEL Well, he looks sort of familiar. WHITE He does, doesn't he? CHAPEL I can't quite place him, though. I wonder who he was? WHITE Nobody important, I hope. CHAPEL Everybody is important in the eyes of the Lord. (Brief pause) WHITE Right, whatever. So, ah, why do you think we killed him? CHAPEL We didn't kill him. WHITE If you say so. CHAPEL He doesn't look very dangerous, does he? WHITE Kinda peaceful. CHAPEL Being dead, I certainly hope so. I wonder if there's anything to be said about the way he fell? WHITE What do you mean? CHAPEL The way he was lying, splayed out like that. WHITE Well, he probably played it up a bit before he dropped. CHAPEL He played it up? WHITE Sure. That happens a lot. I mean, you figure for most people the only reference they have for what it's like to get shot is television, right? So there they are, boom, they've been shot, what do they do? Same thing they do on television. Stagger around, wave their arm, something like that. It's funny. CHAPEL Have you ever been shot? WHITE Nope. CHAPEL Then how do you know that isn't how one tends to behave when one is shot? WHITE I'll give you another example. Ever see someone get shot? CHAPEL (Thinks about it) Yes... WHITE What did they do right after? CHAPEL Um, screamed a lot, started bleeding... WHITE No, before that. CHAPEL Fell down? WHITE Exactly! And why did they fall down? CHAPEL Because they'd been shot in the leg. WHITE (Exasperated) Look, if I pull out my gun right now and shoot you in the chest, you're going to fall down. CHAPEL I will. WHITE Trust me. My point is, the bullet isn't big enough to actually knock you over. You fall down because that's what your mind interprets as the appropriate action given the situation. It's a learned response. CHAPEL I see. But because on film, victims are actually blown backwards... WHITE ...People actually act that way when they're shot. It's life imitating art. CHAPEL Ah. Well. That's interesting. Useless, but interesting. I was sort of hoping he had a heart attack. WHITE Oh of course he did. It was caused by the bullet lodged in his right ventricle. CHAPEL Ha. (Pause) CHAPEL I wonder who he was? WHITE Some sort of scientist, maybe? Lab coats aren't all that common outside of labs. I hope he's not the forensic technician. CHAPEL I'm sure he'd let someone else do the autopsy for him. He does look harmless, though. Let's check his wallet and see who he was. WHITE I don't think that's a good idea. CHAPEL Why not? It's fairly standard practice when one is investigating a homicide. WHITE It won't help us if they find out we've been through his wallet. Might provide a possible motive. CHAPEL We can't go back and forth like this. Are we detectives investigating a murder case, or suspects in a murder case? WHITE I don't know. CHAPEL Well we can't just stand here and wait to find out, can we? Let's at least do something. (Pause) WHITE All right, go ahead. CHAPEL Thank you. (CHAPEL pulls out the dead man's wallet) WHITE So? What's his name? CHAPEL I don't believe it. (CHAPEL hands over the wallet) WHITE John Doe? Gosh, that sounds familiar. Well hell, with a name like that, I can't imagine he was all that surprised when he was shot. Maybe we can use that as an alibi! "We had no choice, your honor, as clearly Mr. Doe had it coming. There is considerable evidence supporting the theory that there is a curse on the Doe family." CHAPEL Enough. WHITE "Just last week we found his sister, Jane, who had met a similar fate..." CHAPEL All right! WHITE Why are you so bitchy all of a sudden? CHAPEL I'm sorry but I don't find any humor in this situation. WHITE Since when? You've been Mr. Positive since we got locked up in here. CHAPEL He doesn't even have a name! I thought that maybe at least there I'd have something to latch onto! WHITE I'm sorry, you've lost me. CHAPEL This is really happening! I had it all figured out, you see? I thought, if we flip him over, he'll look like me, or like you, or like my Sunday school teacher, or my father or some such, but no, he's a total stranger. But wait, does he have a name I recognize? Some strange amalgam, perhaps, of a group of people I secretly despise, or some symbolic title indicative of a childhood scar? Some Freudian loophole to de-mystify this whole thing? No, of course not! John Doe, the most common name a dead person could possibly have! (Pause) WHITE (Eminently amused) You really thought this was a dream? CHAPEL Oh, shut up. TRANSITION: WHITE, CHAPEL and the live and dead DOE. Live DOE is sitting downstage, massaging his temple. WHITE What do you think? CHAPEL I think we're no better off than we were before. WHITE I liked him better when he was just dead. He was less talkative. (Pause. DOE picks up the dice from the floor and begins rolling them.) WHITE How long have we been here? CHAPEL I don't know. WHITE None of this makes any sense. Don't you think somebody would come for us eventually? CHAPEL What does it matter? Nobody's coming. WHITE We have to approach this logically. When did we get here? Why did we come? I can't remember, can you? It feels as if we've been in here forever. You said before that the room looked familiar. Have we been here before? When? And he said we're at the university, but I don't know about that. What purpose does a windowless room with only one door serve, especially one with no furniture? CHAPEL What makes you think you can answer any of those questions? WHITE What the fuck am I supposed to do? We have a murder that isn't a murder, suspects that can't possibily be suspects, and witnesses that have no recollection of the event! CHAPEL Look at this as a unique opportunity. WHITE Opportunity? CHAPEL Yes. The situation does offer at least one major advantage over most of our cases. The victim is here to answer questions. WHITE That... that's not a bad idea. CHAPEL Thank you. Although I should warn you, I don't think anything will come of it. But at least it's something to do. (WHITE sits beside DOE, pulls out his notepad, takes notes) WHITE So. DOE Yes? WHITE Can you think of anyone who might want to kill you? DOE No. Of course not. WHITE Are you married? DOE Yes. No children though, if that's your next question. WHITE Happily married? DOE Now see here... WHITE Don't blow a fuse, now, doctor, I'm just trying to do my job. CHAPEL You have been murdered, after all. WHITE Yes, we need to be thorough about this. CHAPEL I'm sure you want to help us find out who killed you. WHITE I certainly would, if this were my murder. DOE All right! I am currently separated from my wife, if you have to know. It's an amicable arrangement, I assure you. WHITE There, that wasn't so difficult. I'm divorced, myself, although Chapel here is happily married. But you know how it is with these religious types. CHAPEL Hey! WHITE Sorry. DOE It was my work that did it, you know. I spent more and more time away from her, and before I knew it... WHITE She was a stranger. Right? DOE Essentially, yes. WHITE I tell ya, I've been there. Have you talked to her recently? DOE Just yesterday, as a matter of fact. We... had an argument. WHITE Ah. Did you. What was it about? DOE Oh, stupid things. What did we ever argue about? Just acting out in anger for our... indifference toward one another. I don't remember what we argued about, to tell you the truth. CHAPEL Do you have a life insurance policy, doctor? DOE Yes, of course, why... Now hold on! Jane would never do something like this! How could you even... WHITE Now calm down. DOE No I will not, not when you stand there and accuse my wife of such a horrible thing! You devious... WHITE Please! Doctor, we are detectives, remember? The only new people we meet from day to day are murderers. CHAPEL You're actually our first victim. WHITE Our first talking one at least. DOE Yes, well... You operate on the assumption that the John Doe you're talking to is the same John Doe who's lying dead over there. I'm not so certain I agree with that premise. WHITE Ah... not to argue- since it's obvious there are two of you at the moment at least- but how many John Does do you think there are? DOE Oh, an infinite number. If you're willing to accept the theory of alternate realities. It goes along with the notionthat light is a wave and a particle. In one reality it may be a particle and in another it may be a wave and in a third it may remain untested. Rather than subscribe to the idea that neither are true, you take on the notion that both are, depending on which reality you are in. In other words, the instant light becomes just a wave, another reality branches off from the one where light is just a particle. Given the number of subatomic interactions and the near infinite number of possibilities for each of them, what it amounts to is an infinite number of realities. Hence, an ininite number of John Does. It's a rather mind-boggling theory, and not altogether respected at the moment, but it is intruiging. But in answer to your earlier question, I suppose it's possible for his wife to kill him for the insurance money, but my wife would never do such a thing. (Pause) WHITE Well, that's it then. DOE Hmm? WHITE The case. Forget it. Can't be solved. If you were actually the victim, maybe, maybe I had a chance here, but now... DOE I'm sorry to disappoint you. If it cheers you up any there's still a possibility that I am the victim. The parallel reality theory is somewhat tenuous... WHITE No, no, forget it. I may not be Einstein, but I know enough to know when I'm licked. CHAPEL I told you it wouldn't come to anything. WHITE Oh shut up. (Pause. DOE continues to roll dice while WHITE puts away his notebook and CHAPEL glances at his watch) DOE Funny you should mention Einstein. WHITE Did I? DOE Yes, just now. Einstein hated quantum theory, which is ironic because it was his work that really founded it. He spent the latter part of his life trying to refute it. His famous response, he said, "God does not play dice". (Laughs) Unfortunately, that was the best refutation he could come up with. CHAPEL That is ironic. DOE I thought you'd find that amusing. Owww. (Massages his temple) Yes, one of the greatest thinkers in history was just as mired down in the religious quagmire as you apparently are. CHAPEL Perhaps he had it right. DOE I certainly wouldn't argue with you about it. There's no point. Any theory that has at its core an all-powerful being is going to remain unswayed because there are no limitations. It can't be disproven. That's one of the reasons religion has such a powerful hold. It's simple, and it doesn't require a great deal of thought. (CHAPEL is held back by WHITE) WHITE Calm down, he's just trying to rile you. DOE Not at all. I simply don't want to engage in an argument that I can't possibly... (Clutches temple suddenly) Ahhh!! WHITE What's the matter with you? DOE I have a terrible headache. You wouldn't have any aspirin, would you? WHITE Sorry. DOE Ah well. At any rate, your strange religious tendencies do, prove my point. CHAPEL How do you mean? DOE Science has long assumed that reality is there to be observed, when apparently it's the other way around. Likewise, if your observation of reality includes a god, then a god exists in your reality. WHITE Enough already. I think you've made your point. Why do you insist on ridiculing him? DOE Oh, you're no better. You cling to old ideas just like everybody else. If either of you truly understood quantum mechanics you would be as frightened by its implications as I am. AHHHH! (Grabs his temples and falls to the floor, clearly in significant pain) TRANSITION: WHITE, CHAPEL and the dead DOE. CHAPEL is pointing his gun at WHITE. (Long pause) WHITE Chapel? What are you doing? (Pause) Come on, I know that isn't loaded. (Pause. CHAPEL lowers the gun.) CHAPEL No, it isn't. WHITE You were really thinking about it, weren't you? CHAPEL I... I'm sorry, this is very stressful. WHITE It's my fault. I shouldn't have said those things. Peace? CHAPEL Peace. (They shake hands. Pause) WHITE You know, you're pretty fucking funny when you get mad. CHAPEL Am I. WHITE No, really, you should've seen it! The barrel was shaking around all over the fucking place. I thought for sure you were going to drop the gun. CHAPEL I'd rather not talk about it. WHITE I tell ya, that cool cucumber attitude of yours, when it goes... CHAPEL NEVER MIND! (Long pause. CHAPEL sits downstage, absently rolling the dice.) CHAPEL This is how you see things, is it? WHITE See what? CHAPEL Everything. Like this. (Rolls dice) Everything random. Boom. (Rolls) Lucky sevens, your parents meet. Boom. (Rolls) A five, looks like it'll be a boy! (Rolls) A healthy boy. Why he may even grow up to be a healthy young man, if his luck holds out. (Rolls) Ooh, almost hit by a car when you were seven. If aunt Gracie hadn't pulled you out of the way in time... WHITE Cut that out. I don't have an aunt Gracie. CHAPEL (Rolls) Ooh, dodged another bullet there. Turns out she's not pregnant after all... WHITE All right! I get the point. CHAPEL (Puts dice down) I doubt it. WHITE Okay, say you're in a plane right? And the plane crashes. And you're the only survivor. Would you call it a miracle? CHAPEL Probably. WHITE So what does that say about the others? The ones who died? CHAPEL Well if everybody survived it wouldn't be much of a miracle, would it? Wouldn't be much of a plane crash either. WHITE I'd say you were fucking lucky. CHAPEL So to suggest divine intervention in such an instance... WHITE ...would be unbelievably arrogant. CHAPEL Arrogant? WHITE Absolutely. Because you assume you're good enough for the hand of God to reach out and protect you, but nobody else. CHAPEL Ah. (A door creaks, distantly.) WHITE What was that? CHAPEL SHHH! (Both listen. Distant sound of door creaking and then closing.) WHITE Do you think someone's coming? CHAPEL Could have come from anywhere. WHITE I think someone's coming. (Sees corpse) Oh, God. CHAPEL Be quiet! (Long pause. Both listen. Silence.) CHAPEL There, see? Nobody's coming. (Sound of someone slowly descending a set of wooden stairs. The sound is still distant, but getting closer.) WHITE We have to do something with him! CHAPEL Like what? Revive him? I think it's too late for that. WHITE We didn't find him like this, did we? Do you want them to know we've been fucking around with the body all this time? CHAPEL But we didn't know... WHITE Oh, sure! "Officer, we didn't realize we had shot him until later. We thought we were here to investigate..." CHAPEL SHHH! (The footfalls stop. Pause) CHAPEL There, see? (The begin again, faster) WHITE Help me move him! (WHITE and CHAPEL work together to re-position the body in the closest approximation they can make to the position in which he was originally found. WHITE steps back and examines their work.) WHITE His hair is out of place. CHAPEL What? WHITE His hair! It didn't look like that before! (The footfalls cease and are replaced by the sound of someone fiddling with a set of keys on the other side of the door.) CHAPEL How did it look? WHITE I don't know! Different! CHAPEL Different how? Do you want me to comb it? WHITE No, that's not it. It looked more... floppy before. CHAPEL Floppy? WHITE I told you, I don't know! (A key slips into the lock. WHITE and CHAPEL turn quickly. The key turns, but does not unlock the door. They both exhale.) CHAPEL (Whisper) How is it supposed to look? WHITE (Also whispering) Flip it... over his ear, like... (demonstrates) like this. CHAPEL Uh, okay. (CHAPEL tries it) CHAPEL How's that? WHITE What did you do? That looks worse! CHAPEL Oh, for God's sake, you do it yourself! WHITE Well I'm sorry if you can't flip his hair over properly! It certainly isn't my fault. CHAPEL I'm not going to take the blame for this, if you can't describe how his hair is supposed to look, then... (Another key slides in. This one seems to work. The knob begins to turn.) WHITE (Normal voice) Oh no. I still have his wallet. (The door swings open, slowly.) TRANSITION: WHITE, CHAPEL and the live and dead DOE. DOE grabs his temples, in great pain. WHITE Something's wrong with him! DOE No, just a... just a headache. WHITE He's having a stroke. DOE No... I'm fine... I... AHHH! (DOE collapses. He is caught by CHAPEL. He helps DOE sit on the floor. DOE sags dangerously, but holds himself upright. CHAPEL and WHITE confer.) WHITE We have to get him some medical attention. CHAPEL How are we going to do that? We're trapped here. WHITE Maybe if we bang on the door someone will hear us. CHAPEL We've tried that, it doesn't work. WHITE HELLO? WE NEED SOME HELP DOWN HERE! CHAPEL You're wasting your time! WHITE (Draws his gun) I know... CHAPEL What are you doing! (WHITE fires his gun straight up. The noise causes both DOE and CHAPEL to cover their ears.) WHITE HELLO? CHAPEL Put that away, you maniac! You want to deafen us? WHITE Someone's got to hear us. (DOE lifts his head, opens his eyes, and looks straight at the audience. He stares.) CHAPEL Fine, go ahead and make as much noise as you want. Empty the gun for all I care. It won't do any good, but maybe you'll feel better. WHITE Look, he may be an asshole, but we have to try and help him, don't we? We can't just let him die. CHAPEL He's already died once. DOE (To audience) Hello? WHITE Well thank you, Mr. Samaritan, for that callous assessment. CHAPEL I don't really think he's dying. Look, he's feeling better already. DOE (To audience) Have you been here the whole time? WHITE Better? He's talking to a wall! DOE (To audience) You have, haven't you? (DOE looks around the stage. He gets to his feet and circles the entire stage, amazed. He knocks on the back wall and looks up at the lights.) WHITE What is he doing? CHAPEL I don't know. DOE It's a stage. CHAPEL What? DOE (Grabbing CHAPEL by the lapels) IT'S A STAGE!! WHITE He's demented! DOE No I'm not! Out there! (He points to the audience) Do you see them? (Pause) WHITE It's just a wall, man. DOE No! You have to see them! You see them don't you? CHAPEL No, I'm sorry, I don't. DOE (Marches to the edge of the stage) But they're right there! Only a few feet away, how can you not see them? I could touch them, if I wanted to, that's how close they are! CHAPEL Who is? Who do you see? DOE The audience! (Long pause) WHITE What, like in a movie? DOE It all makes so much sense now. It's... it's so obvious! WHITE Look, obviously you've suffered some sort of... DOE Do you remember where you were before you entered this room? WHITE Why yes, I was... we were... CHAPEL What does that matter? DOE Quick, what was your mother's first name? CHAPEL It was... um... DOE What street do you live on? What kind of car do you drive? What did you have for breakfast this morning? (Pause) WHITE Now look, I don't see what this has to do with... DOE Why can't you come up with an answer? CHAPEL It's some kind of trick. DOE Trick? CHAPEL It has to be. DOE Detective Chapel, what is your first name? (Pause) WHITE What's going on here? DOE A play, gentlemen! A play! (Pause) DOE Look! (Points up) Do you see the lights? There's no ceiling, do you see? Now look, out there! (Points to audience) Do you see? (Pause) WHITE Oh, dear lord. DOE You see them, don't you? WHITE Chapel... CHAPEL I don't see anything! WHITE But they're... CHAPEL I said, I don't see anything! DOE This is remarkable. WHITE So we're characters? We aren't even real? DOE We are as real as the play is. Maybe not as real as we thought we were, but... WHITE So the reason you're alive and dead at the same time is... DOE That the playwright thought it would be in interesting idea, I suppose. WHITE So some hack with a computer and too much spare time decides to dabble in the theater and we're forced to suffer for it? Where is this guy? (Peers out at the audience) DOE He might not even be here, if he is a he at all. I wouldn't be so hard on him, though. After all he did create us. CHAPEL That's enough! (Pause) WHITE I take it you've decided not to see the audience? CHAPEL There is no audience. It's just a wall. WHITE Let me see if I have this straight. You have no trouble believing in a deity that you can't see, but you deny the existence of an audience that's right in front of you? How stupid is that? DOE It's not his fault. He's scripted that way. CHAPEL No I'm not! I'm not scripted at all! These are my words coming from my mouth formulated by my mind! I am a human being with free will, not some hastily constructed character in a passion play! My actions are my own! DOE I'm sure it seems that way... CHAPEL It is that way! WHITE Well now maybe this is some sort of improvisational exercise. It doesn't necessarily have to be scripted. DOE That's possible. Why don't you test it? WHITE How? DOE Do something improvisational. WHITE Like what? DOE I don't know, just say something right off the cuff. WHITE Um... DOE If I told you what to say it wouldn't be very original, would it? (Pause) WHITE Bazaar, Balzac, bazooka! DOE No, that's no good. WHITE Why not? DOE Because not only is that scripted, it's not even from this play. It's Ionesco. WHITE But I didn't know that. I've never heard of Ionesco. DOE Obviously the playwright has, and he gave you that line. Try again. WHITE How am I supposed to know when I'm saying something that's unscripted? Especially if I'm a character in a play? DOE Hmm. Good question. (Pause. DOE thinks, puts his hands in his lab coat pockets.) DOE Wait. What's this? (He pulls out a copy of the script) WHITE What is it? DOE It's our script. WHITE You're kidding. DOE No. And I knew you were going to say that. WHITE It's in there? DOE Every word. This is splendid. Go on, try and say something original. WHITE Okay, um... My pants are on fire. If you don't stop that right now I shall be forced to shoot your wife. My dog ate the sun yesterday and now she's got sunspots. I have a photo of the Bishop of Canterbury wearing a nightgown and eating tree bark. Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter with the promise of a brave new world unfurled beneath the clear blue sky? (Pause) Well? DOE Nope. That was word for word. Even the "um". And that last part was a Pink Floyd lyric. WHITE Really? DOE Yep. Says so right here. WHITE Pomagranates! Euthanasia! Intestinal malfeasance! Ingot! DOE Next you say oxymoron. WHITE Oxymoron? DOE See? WHITE Garflespugnet! Dorgenwinkle! DOE Sorry. WHITE This is frustrating. DOE Yes, but it certainly proves the point. (to CHAPEL) Can you explain this? (CHAPEL ignores him) DOE Ah well. (He pockets the script) WHITE Wait, don't you want to flip to the ending? DOE Goodness, no. Why should I want to do that? WHITE To find out how this ends! DOE Would you like to know how the story of your life ends? Not only would it ruin the surprise, but I think it would make life a little less worth living. WHITE I'd like to find out if we ever get out of this room. DOE You'll know soon enough. We're on the last scene. WHITE Oh no. Really? DOE Yes and I plan to make the most of it. WHITE What are you going to do? DOE I'm going to go out there. (DOE points to audience) WHITE You can't do that! Can you? DOE I don't see why not. I only have to walk a few feet. Just off the end of the stage. WHITE I don't think it's safe. You're only a character. Wouldn't you cease to exist once the play's over? DOE Yes, but so would they. What is an audience without a play, after all. Their observation makes our reality just as much as our being observed makes theirs. But I for one would much rather be the observer. So... CHAPEL You can't do that. DOE Of course I can. CHAPEL No you can't. That is just a wall. DOE Then let me walk into it. CHAPEL No. For one thing, I refuse to allow you to believe this nonsense... DOE Refuse! CHAPEL ...and for another, if it were true, and you left, the play could never exist. I don't want to suggest for a moment that I actually believe this is just a play, but if it were, and it could no longer exist, then I would no longer exist. DOE You could come with me. CHAPEL No I can't. Because that's just a wall and this isn't a play. DOE Of all the thick- headed, idiotic... (CHAPEL draws his gun and aims it at DOE) CHAPEL I mean it. DOE Now calm down... WHITE Wait a minute. That gun isn't loaded. DOE Are you sure? WHITE I'm positive. He showed me the empty clip himself. Look it up if you have to. CHAPEL I believe it is loaded. (DOE pulls script, flips to earlier section) DOE Aha! Here it is! (Re-pockets script) That gun isn't loaded. CHAPEL I'm warning you... DOE Sorry, it's in the script. I don't believe you. So, go on, get out of my way. CHAPEL You're being a fool, doctor. Now stay in this room. DOE No, sorry. I can't. (DOE tries to charge past CHAPEL. CHAPEL pushes him away. DOE tears off a piece of CHAPEL's shirt and then lands on his rear.) DOE (Examining torn material) Sorry about that. (Slowly gets to his feet) Look, I understand how you feel. I'm sure it must be very difficult to accept that you were actually created by a human being and not by an all- knowing deity. It's unnerving for me as well, believe me. But we mustn't shy away from the wonder of discovery! We must embrace it! Ignorance does not make it any less real, don't you realize that? (WHITE notices that the dead DOE has vanished again) WHITE Hey, it's gone... DOE There's nothing you can do to make the audience go away, so... (DOE charges the front of the stage again.) WHITE No, don't! (CHAPEL fires once, hitting DOE in the chest. DOE stares at him, surprised, then falls to the floor in the same position as before. Long pause. WHITE starts to laugh.) CHAPEL What's so funny? WHITE I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but... This reminds me of a funny story. CHAPEL A story? WHITE Yeah, I ever tell you about Wigger Johnson? CHAPEL (Holsters weapon) I don't think so, no. WHITE Wigger was this dead end yo, dumber'n dogshit and too doped up to know it, most of the time, and one day he turns up stone cold with a six inch knife stuck most of the way through his chest. Took me all of fifteen minutes to peg the killer, 'cause there was only one guy in the room with Wigger when he died, and about fifteen people could verify that for me no trouble. See Wigger used to do bag runs for his brother, J.C.- who was no Einstein either- and the two of 'em lived in this one-room on Larchmont, same one-room Wigger was found in. You couldn't ask for a more clear-cut case. So I arrest J.C., stick him in the box and sit him down. And I say to him, look, you were alone with Wigger for for the last ten minutes of his life, right? And he says, yeah, sure I was. And I point out to him that the next time anybody sees Wigger he's got a six inch knife stuck in his chest all the way up to the hilt. And this friggin' yo says, yeah, that's about right... (Fade to black) CURTAIN