HOLIDAYS Part I: XMAS DILEMMA & Part II: HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVE two 1-act plays by Erwin H. Lerner CONTACT: Erwin H. Lerner 34 Morton Street 2C New York, N.Y. 10014-4047 (212) 924-7282 (c) 1996 Erwin H. Lerner ______________________________________________________________________________ Holidays, Part I: XMAS DILEMMA CHARACTERS: BOLINDA, Middle-aged housewife. DONALD, Middle-aged, her psychotherapist husband. RICHARD, Middle-aged, their high school acquaintance. BOY, Teenaged, an uninvited guest. SCENE: A livingroom in a suburban home. Rear-Center, front door. Rear-Right, unlit, dressed, small-sized Christmas tree. Rear-Left, small bar with bottles, decanters, glassware, etc. Front-Left, small desk with electric typewriter, paper, pens, pencils, erasers, dictionary, telephone, etc. Front-Right, sofa, armchair, coffee table, lamps, etc. TIME: Christmas Day, the present, early evening. AT RISE: BOLINDA at desk, composes a poem on typewriter. DONALD seated in armchair, reads notes in bound notebook. After a moment BOLINDA (Looks up) Dear? DONALD (Reading) Yes, dear? BOLINDA Be a darling, dear: make me another whiskey sour. DONALD (As before) I'm reading, dear. BOLINDA But, dear, I'm writing. DONALD (Looks up) Your writing is less important than my reading. BOLINDA This new poem happens to be a contest entry, Donald. The first prize is a weekend for two in Cleveland, next August. DONALD Bolinda, you've had a whiskey sour too many (Resumes reading) BOLINDA Go to hell! DONALD (Busy) That infantile response is entirely uncalled for. THE DOORBELL RINGS THREE TIMES: ONE LONG, ONE SHORT, ONE LONG. BOLINDA (Annoyed, looks to door) Who can that be? DONALD (Simultaneously, looks to door; rises, rests notebook on armchair cushion) It's more than likely -- what's-his-name? -- your big-chested protector in high school. BOLINDA Richie the Beast? You have to be kidding! DONALD What is Richard's family name? I met him by chance one day last week, and half-heartedly invited him to call on us -- I intimated "briefly" -- over the holidays. BOLINDA Donald, this contest entry must be post-marked by midnight tonight. DONALD I thought you might get a kick out of his company. BOLINDA Christmas Day with Richie the Beast? DONALD He seemed so lonely and friendless. He was practically in tears, telling me about his parents' recently having been shot to death -- gangland rub-out style: in the back of the head. THE DOORBELL RINGS THREE TIMES AS BEFORE. BOLINDA Oh dear! Invite the poor beast to pay you an office visit. DONALD I did consider that possibility. His psychological profile doesn't fit my criteria for successful therapy. Shall I answer the door? BOLINDA Don't let me stop you. (Resumes typing) DONALD (Opens front door, looks around outside; returns, closes door) That's odd! I looked out, and didn't see a soul. (Returns to armchair, sits) Someone rang our doorbell precisely three times, then three times again. Do any of the neighbors ring that particular pattern? Bolinda, you might show common courtesy and answer my question. THE TELEPHONE RINGS. BOLINDA (Busy) Please answer the telephone. DONALD You're right next to it. BOLINDA (As before) I'm not home. DONALD (Sighs) Yes, dear. (Rises, crosses to telephone; answers) Hello? Hello! (Hangs up) No one was on the line. What on earth is going on? BOLINDA You took too long to answer. While you're up, dear, how about mixing me a whiskey sour? (Resumes work) DONALD There must be a rational explanation! (Goes to bar, mixes whiskey sour during following) I'll bet you anything the call was from Richard, to say he's not in a suburbanish mood. Still, he could possibly have felt suburbanish, rang our doorbell, and concluded we aren't in. Then -- of course, I'm conjecturing -- he stopped at the nearest pay phone to double-check. I hope he doesn't feel rejected. At least your tempo won't be interrupted, dear. I know how badly you must write -- not that you write badly. BOLINDA (Busy) Score one cheap shot for the doctor of psychology. DONALD As a matter of fact, though, your poetic urge is sublimation for an unfulfilled child-bearing instinct. You portend to value reason over emotion; you presume rationality, attempting -- literally -- to assert control over language -- albeit adequately, I might add. THE DOORBELL RINGS LONG AND LOUD. BOLINDA (Stops, looks up) The doorbell is ringing -- literally! DONALD (Looks up) So? See who it is while I finish mixing your inspiration. BOLINDA Damn you! DONALD (Opens front door; excitedly, to OFF) This is a pleasant surprise! Come in. RICHARD (Enters, Rear-Center, wears overcoat, suit, dress shirt, tie, patent leather shoes, fedora) Merry Christmas, Donny! Stay loose! (Fakes a punch at DONALD's stomach) DONALD (Startled, defensively jumps away) Don't! DONALD Ho, ho, ho! (Crosses to BOLINDA) Hey, Babe! DONALD (Shuts front door, crosses to desk; to BOLINDA) Dear, you remember Richard. RICHARD What's cooking, Babe? I never knew you could work a typewriter. BOLINDA (Busy) Richie, I must concentrate to meet an important contest deadline. First prize is a weekend for two in Cleveland. RICHARD Yeah? Sensational! DONALD Richard, allow the contestant her space to perform. RICHARD You should hang out a sign: DO NOT DISTURB, POEM WRITER AT WORK! DONALD (Chuckles; to BOLINDA) You're not disturbed, are you, dear? RICHARD Babe, how's about I give you a good-luck smack on the lips? (Kisses BOLINDA's lips) BOLINDA (Stiffens, turns away) Richie, your breath! RICHARD (Embarrassed) Why'd you say that? BOLINDA To be truthful; it's atrocious. DONALD Richard, squish some whiskey sour in your mouth RICHARD Yeah! I just ate two slices with anchovies and garlic. DONALD (Returns to bar, pours two drinks from decanter, gives RICHARD one filled cocktail glass) Just what the doctor ordered! RICHARD (Takes drink; to DONALD and BOLINDA) Here's to both of youse! (Squishes a sip in his mouth, swallows remainder of drink) DONALD (Places second filled glass on desk near BOLINDA) Here you are dear, prepared with undying love, unceasing admiration and unqualified respect. BOLINDA It's certainly about time! (Pauses, sips drink) I need a word that rhymes with egocentric. DONALD Eclectic? Epileptic? RICHARD (Rests empty glass on bar, removes his hat) Excuse me: where should I dump my hat? DONALD You needn't dump it, I'll take it! (Takes hat, rests it aside during following) Take off your coat, make yourself feel at home. RICHARD Yeah, I feel hot! (Removes overcoat, gives it to DONALD, who takes coat and places it with hat) BOLINDA Take off your jacket, Richie; show Donald your broad chest. RICHARD (Blushes; to BOLINDA) Get off my case! BOLINDA Don't be shy. You're uncommonly broad-chested. Why don't you allow Donald to play with your gun? RICHARD (Removes suit jacket, beneath which he wears a 45-caliber pistol in a holster) No way! My gun ain't no toy. BOLINDA I'll say! No doubt, you still feel naked without it. (Resumes work) DONALD (To RICHARD, indicates sofa) Have a seat. Who won the big game? RICHARD (Sprawls at one end of sofa) What game? DONALD The football game. RICHARD What one? DONALD (Sits at opposite end of sofa) The Christmas Bowl. RICHARD Who cares? BOLINDA (Pauses, looks up) How's business, Richie? RICHARD You know, It's slow on the holidays! BOLINDA How many jobs have you executed this year? RICHARD Enough! BOLINDA How you do it is beyond me! RICHARD Well, I do different contracts differently. It ain't easy, believe you me. I have to size-up my target, follow him -- or her -- around, sometimes for days, weeks. DONALD Good heavens! Richard, do you take human lives for your livelihood? RICHARD Yeah, I make a living at it! So what? You got your profession, I got mine. DONALD How could you kill a person, and know what love is? RICHARD Don't worry, I know all about it! BOLINDA Teach Donald how to, Richie! (Resumes work) RICHARD I can't teach nobody my business. You either know it, or forget about it -- Donny, in that book you recommended to me the other day, they call it instinct.. DONALD "A Primer on Freudian Psychology." You read it? Bolinda, how do you know what Richard's business is? You haven't spoken to him since high school. BOLINDA I didn't think it necessary to mention; he telephones me occasionally to talk about his emotions! RICHARD Boli! You swore to keep quiet about it. DONALD (Astonished) Behind my back? RICHARD She makes me feel better, Donny, after a job. I swear to Christ, we never d o nothing but talk on the phone. BOLINDA Richie, how do you spell apoplectic? RICHARD Gee! I don't know, Babe. BOLINDA Pretend you're in one of our class spelling bees. DONALD I'll spell it. BOLINDA Let's see Richie try. RICHARD Appleplektik: small-a, p-p-l-e . . . p-l-e-k . . . BOLINDA Go on. RICHARD I'm not sure -- I give up! DONALD (Leafs through dictionary at desk) Apology; apomict; apomixis; apomorphine; aponeurosis; apophylite; apophysis; apophyseal -- apoplectic: "of, relating to, or causing apoplexy." BOLINDA (Spells) A-p-p-o-p-l-e-c-t-i-c. DONALD Apoplectic only has two ps: a-p-o-p-l-e-c-t-i-c. BOLINDA (To DONALD) I said two ps! DONALD You said three ps. BOLINDA I did not! DONALD Admit making a simple error. BOLINDA Are you accusing me of dishonesty? RICHARD Come on, guys, don't argue! BOLINDA (Ignores RICHARD) An apology is in order! DONALD (Ignores RICHARD) I'm neither accusing, nor arguing honesty versus dishonesty. It's a question of right and wrong. BOLINDA Apologize to me immediately, Donald! DONALD You said three ps. BOLINDA How many did I say, Richie? RICHARD Two? BOLINDA Two ps, and Richie confirms it. DONALD You and Richard are mistaken! BOLINDA Richie, my husband accuses us of deceiving him! DONALD I didn't say a word about deception. I'm simply saying that you and Richard -- BOLINDA Are having an affair? RICHARD Hey! I want youse to quit arguing. (Presents two small, gift-wrapped packages) I bought youse each a Christmas present. (Places one package atop desk near BOLINDA) It's just a specialty item I picked up. (Gives second gift package to DONALD) DONALD (Takes it) Thank you. (Casually unwraps gift during following) Bolinda and I exchanged tokens last night. I gave her the daringest nighty -- take my word for how sexy she looks in it! (His gift unwrapped, presents a sharp-pointed, dagger-like letter opener) A dagger! RICHARD It's a letter opener. I got Boli one just like it. BOLINDA Exactly what I need in my life! (Unwraps her gift, displays it; facetiously) Donald, model your snazzy ski-'jamas for Richie. DONALD (To BOLINDA) I suppose you crave to show him your sleepwear. THE DOORBELL RINGS THREE TIMES: ONE LONG, ONE SHORT, ONE LONG. BOLINDA Now, what? Put your jacket on, Richie. The sight of your gun would upset our narrow minded neighbors. RICHARD Yeah, okay! (Hastily dons his jacket, buttons it) DONALD (Waits for RICHARD to conceal gun, opens door Center-Rear; curious, off) Yes? BOY (Enters smiling, gazes about; nods to acknowledge all) Seasons greetings! RICHARD (To BOLINDA) Who the hell is this joker? BOLINDA He doesn't look familiar to me. (Rises) Donald, do we know him? DONALD (To BOY) Do we know you, son? BOY Perhaps, perhaps not. Do you know yourselves? RICHARD He's a screwball smart alec! (To BOY) What are you doing in a strange house? BOY We could become less estranged from one another! I've smiled at you. May I have a smile in return? RICHARD (To BOY; mocks a smile) Now take a walk! BOLINDA (To BOY) Son, are you a neighborhood boy? BOY How far does your neighborhood extend? BOLINDA Don't act fresh, young man! RICHARD Boli, should I get rid of him? BOLINDA Yes, please do! DONALD No violence! (To BOY) Who are you? BOY I'm Everyman. RICHARD Let me invite this crackpot out the door! DONALD Richard, this is my house! (To BOY) Metaphysics aside, son: where do you come from? BOY In which sense? BOLINDA I want this lunatic out of my home! DONALD Be patient, Bolinda! (To BOY) What exactly do you want from us? RICHARD He wants a punch in his teeth! BOLINDA He's insane! BOY I have no intention to cause trouble! DONALD (To BOLINDA) Please, he might not be a trouble-maker. BOLINDA He's a crazy bastard RICHARD Do I toss him out, Boli, or do we see Donny handle it himself? BOY Why do you people treat me like this? I love you! BOLINDA What unabashed nonsense! Richie, would you kindly eliminate him? RICHARD (Moves toward BOY) Okay, kid, take a walk! BOLINDA Teach him a lesson! RICHARD Out: o-u-t! (Shoves BOY) BOY Don't push me! DONALD Richard, I won't tolerate violence! RICHARD You want to fight? (Shoves BOY, throws a punch) BOY (Avoids blow) Please don't make me fight! RICHARD (Lunges at BOY) I'll murder you! DONALD (Shouts) No, Richard! BOY (Exclaims) Gyeeyyaakkh! Haakkh! (Knocks RICHARD unconscious with well-placed karate punch) I'm sorry, he forced me! BOLINDA (Horrified, rushes to pick up her letter opener; shrieks) He'll kill us! BOY I won't hurt you, madam! (Steps toward her) BOLINDA Stay away from me! DONALD (With alarm) Stay away from her! BOY (Pleads) Please, sir, madam! BOLINDA (Shouts) Help, police! (Faints) DONALD (Concerned, hastens to her) Bolinda! BOY (Frightened, sobs) I want to communicate love! DONALD (During following, massages BOLINDA's hands, feels her pulse, looks at his wristwatch) Dear? Dear! How many pulse-beats are normal? BOY What is normalcy after all? DONALD I guess there's no point in counting! BOY Sir, may I speak with you, your wife, and him? DONALD I doubt if they care to talk to you. BOY Doubt is paralysis of the mind! DONALD Perhaps. I'm afraid we can't discuss it at the moment. BOY Fear is cancer of the soul. I pity you people! DONALD (Grins) Why should you? We live well? BOY God is love! DONALD She isn't breathing! (Gives BOLINDA mouth-to-mouth resuscitation) BOY Heavenly Father, grant peace on Earth and forgive us our trespasses! DONALD (Looks up) We never kiss like this! (Resumes resuscitation) BOY Goodbye! DONALD (Rises) Wait, I'll show you out. Son, I can help you. I'm a psychotherapist. (Removes wallet from a pants pocket, fumbles for a business card, finds one, offers it to BOY; opens door Center-rear) Call my office anytime; leave your number with my answering service if I'm out! BOY Be at one with all that exists! (Takes card, crumbles it in his fist; Exits Center-rear) DONALD (Calls OFF) Call me, son, I'm an excellent psychotherapist! (Shuts door, bolts it) BOLINDA (Looks up, rises) Thank God he's gone! DONALD (Startled) Everything is all right, dear, you're safe. RICHARD (Looks up, scoffs) Boli, Donny made him leave! BOLINDA (Scoffs) My hero! RICHARD (Rises) I could put two slugs in the back of that dingaling kid's head! BOLINDA (Mimics) "We never kiss like this! Call me, son, I'm an excellent psychotherapist!" RICHARD (Mimics) "Leave your number with my answering service!" DONALD (Offended, slaps BOLINDA's face) Stop that! BOLINDA (Shocked) Donald, you struck me! DONALD You feigned unconsciousness. Neither of you were concerned that the boy might have attacked me. BOLINDA You slapped my face! DONALD Forgive me! (Tries to caress BOLINDA) Please, dear, I was overanxious! BOLINDA (Pulls away) Now, you're sniveling again! Look at you: are you a man? I'm a woman! Are you man enough for me? DONALD I try! RICHARD What're youse both so upset for? BOLINDA Richie, help me! RICHARD Sure, Babe! What do you need? BOLINDA Kill my husband! DONALD (Shocked) Bolinda! RICHARD (Surprised) Boli, I'll help you, but I won't bump off my friends! DONALD Richard, I'll pay you one thousand dollars to assassinate my wife! BOLINDA Donald! RICHARD If I knew my visiting youse would turn out like this, I'd have gone to see a movie, instead. BOLINDA Richie, I'll pay you two thousand dollars to kill Donald. DONALD Four thousand! RICHARD Come on, huh? BOLINDA Six thousand -- I can throw money around, too! DONALD Seven thousand dollars! BOLINDA Eight -- every last penny I can get my hands on! DONALD Ten thousand! BOLINDA Where would you get that much money, Donald? DONALD (To BOLINDA, sneers) Do you honestly believe all my earnings are in our joint account? BOLINDA (To DONALD, sneers) I hate you!! DONALD You disgust me! BOLINDA (To RICHARD) I'll give you all my love! DONALD (To RICHARD) I'll give you mental health! RICHARD How long could youse keep this up? BOLINDA (Shouts) Until he's dead! DONALD (Simultaneously; shouts) Until she's dead! RICHARD (Shouts) I don't want to kill either of youse! And it ain't the price; I'm thinking of retiring; going into some other business; like, opening a pet shop. DONALD One last job! BOLINDA You would kill that boy free of charge -- if you could! RICHARD Aah! The kid shook me up. If that was a business proposition, I wouldn't have lost my head. But anyhow, "Richie Control" don't feel like killing no more. BOLINDA (Teases) Richie Control lost it! DONALD (Teases) Richard the lion-hearted -- not! RICHARD Quit ganging up on me! BOLINDA I'll get you both! (Makes a sudden move, retrieves her letter opener; threatens THEM) DONALD (Suddenly produces his letter opener, threatens THEM) I'm not afraid of either of you! RICHARD (Quickly draws his gun; threatens THEM) Don't either of youse make a move! BOLINDA Attack him, Donald. He only has one bullet. DONALD (Eyes BOLINDA incredulously) How could you know that? BOLINDA He phoned and told me his usual sob-story this morning: he fired all but on e bullet on a job last night. The Beast always forgets to reload. RICHARD My rod's full of lead! BOLINDA Attack, Donald! DONALD You draw his fire, Bolinda! BOLINDA Richie, shoot him! RICHARD I'm holding on to this bullet! BOLINDA He does have only one bullet! RICHARD Who wants it? DONALD We really needn't kill each other. BOLINDA Certainly not. Rest your knife on the floor. Richard, holster your gun. RICHARD First, both of your knives! BOLINDA First, your gun! RICHARD The knives! DONALD Look into my eyes, Richard. Your weapon is growing heavy, heavier. Your hands are weak, weaker. Your mind grows sleepy, sleepier. RICHARD I ain't falling into no trance. BOLINDA Donald, I've never been unfaithful to you. DONALD The resolution of our differences requires patience, trust, commitment. RICHARD I don't want to kill no more, and I don't want to die! BOLINDA I don't want to kill or be killed! DONALD I want to live, I don't want to die! THE ABOVE IS CHOREOGRAPHED IN A WEAVING MOVEMENT, EACH STALKING THE OTHERS AND BEING STALKED. ANXIETIES MOUNT TO A FRENZY UNTIL, EXHAUSTED, ALL COLLAPSE INTO SEPARATE CHAIRS, THEIR RESPECTIVE WEAPONS HELD LIMPLY. FINALLY: DONALD This madness must stop! BOLINDA Yes, but how? RICHARD I'll phone a guy to come and referee! DONALD A criminal associate of yours? I'll phone a psychiatrist, who lives nearby. RICHARD I wouldn't trust a head-shrinker if you paid me! BOLINDA I'll phone someone. It's not as though I have no friends! THE DOORBELL RINGS: ONE LONG, ONE SHORT, ONE LONG. THEY LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER QUESTIONINGLY. DONALD Shall I answer? BOLINDA Suppose it's that dangerous boy? RICHARD What should we do? BOLINDA Don't look at me. Donald, what should we do, dear? DONALD I don't know, dear. C U R T A I N