A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE [a musical] BY PHILIP WRIGHT MUSIC BY MAURICE SAYLOR LYRICS BY PHILIP WRIGHT and MAURICE SAYLOR FOR INFORMATION CONTACT: JEFF FINLAY 320 HIGHVIEW PLACE SILVER SPRING, MD 20901 E-Mail: Jeffrey.E.Finlay@cpmx.saic.com CAST OF CHARACTERS ANGELIQUE[ahn-jhe-leek].........................Argan's daughter TOINETTE[twa-net]...............................Argan's servant MADELEINE[mad-eh-len]...........................Argan's sister CLEANTE[clay-ahnt]..............................Angelique's lover ARGAN[ahr-gahn].................................A hypocondriac BELINE[bay-leen]................................Argan's wife MONSIEUR BONNEFOY[miss-ee-ur/bon-ah-fwa]........A lawyer MONSIEUR DIAFOIRUS[miss-ee-ur/dee-ah-fwa-roos]..Argan's doctor THOMAS DIAFOIRUS................................Diafoirus's son THE ZANNIES.....................................Five comedians PLACE: SOMEWHERE BETWEEN FRANCE AND AMERICA TIME: TIMELESS A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE PHILIP E. WRIGHT DRAFT VI COPYRIGHT 1995 PROLOGUE Scene: The bare stage. The houselights slowly fade to black. At Rise: As the Overture ends, a spot of light comes up on Argan, surrounded by the entire company who are take his temperature, feeling his pulse, etc. ARGAN Is there a doctor in the house? [The light goes down. The music immediately moves into "To Teach and to Delight." The lights come up; the Zannies, in a tableau pose, sing.] ALL [Singing] Once a poet wrote, And we often quote, All the world is a stage. With this thought displayed, All at once it made, Theatre quite the rage. Theatre quite the rage. Theatre quite the rage. Here in our domain We will entertain, All of you here tonight. You'll find that this space, Really is the place To teach and to delight. Teach and to delight. Teach and to delight. [Shouting] Yeah! [They dance around the stage.] We are the Zannies who've come here to entertain. But, no, we won't do an impromptu show tonight. We have an author to offer us his domain. And so, with playwright's quill, and mask in hand. Giving thrills that you demand. Dancing and joking and singing and cutting up, Just to teach and to delight, To delight, To delight. PIERROT We won't do Miller, or Schiller, or Sophocles. COLUMBINE You won't see magic or tragical golden calves. HARLEQUIN You won't get half an anaemic laugh off of these. SCARAMOUCHE Maybe the censors won't forbid Racine-- Tragedy we find obscene. ALL Incest, debauchery, maiming, duplicity, They're okay, but... We want laughs. We want laughs. We want laughs. We chose one Full of fun. MALE ZANNIES Such an author who will always call the shots, With his plots All in knots. And also one who's good at drawing people With a real comic flair. FEMALE ZANNIES Someone who will give us words That will amuse, or confuse, or bemuse, And that one playwright is the one and only, who's the best. Have you guessed? ALL Moliere! [The Zannies dance around the stage.] Who are we, Who are the Zannies? We're the ones who taught Moliere How to write his comic fare. [Franceschina and Scaramouche do a trick.] ALL EXCEPT FRANCESCHINA Franceschina is Our contriving whiz. ALL EXCEPT SCARAMOUCHE Scaramouche is always full of brags. [Harlequin swats Scaramouche with his slapstick.] ALL EXCEPT HARLEQUIN Harlequin's our fool; Slapstick is his tool. COLUMBINE All three live for jests, jokes and gags. [Columbine and Pierrot do a trick.] ALL EXCEPT COLUMBINE Columbine's our tart, Whose sleeve bears her heart. ALL EXCEPT PIERROT And Pierrot's our sad, sad, sad-sack sight. FRANCESCHINA This... HARLEQUIN Band... SCARAMOUCHE Works... COLUMBINE As... PIERROT One. ALL Bringing you some fun. FEMALE ZANNIES To Teach and to delight. MALE ZANNIES To teach and to delight. FEMALE ZANNIES To teach and to delight! MALE ZANNIES To teach and to delight! ALL To teach and to delight to teach and to delight to teach and to delight! [The Zannies dance, juggle and cut up.] HARLEQUIN AND PIERROT Now, let's start the show. SCARAMOUCHE It begins---- COLUMBINE I know. [Columbine hangs up a two dimensional marquee with the words "now playing: A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE," on it.] Was it at a theatre? FRANCESCHINA That's correct! ALL [To the audience] We present to you, First, our ingenue. [Angelique enters, pausing to stare at the marquee.] SCARAMOUCHE Who's not quite what you'd expect. [Toinette enters, and hurriedly crosses to Angelique. The lights focus on Angelique and Toinette. The Zannies strike a pose around the pair.] TOINETTE [Speaking] Angelique: What do you mean, you love that actor? He's practically a stranger. ANGELIQUE Oh, Toinette: The first time I saw him, I knew he was the only man to make me.... TOINETTE Happy? ANGELIQUE Laugh! [Singing] Is it wrong for a girl to love Someone she hardly knows? I mean, he's a stranger But I like danger. I think he's cute In that daft suit And funny nose. Perhaps the world's gone crazy And the right side's turned roun' Explains why I love a---- [Quickly] He's got that style, To beguile With a smile That's really quite odd; Still quite appealing, His comic facade. It can't be wrong To love a stranger If your heart's upside-down? Wrong must be right for me. So being turned around, Explains why I love....a clown. [The lights change back to normal. Toinette and Angelique freeze.] FRANCESCHINA AND COLUMBINE Waiting in the wings, Is the one who brings.... HARLEQUIN Angelique so much comic joy. SCARAMOUCHE AND PIERROT Not a Don Juan or.... COLUMBINE Scheming paramour. [Cleante enters, taking off his mask, followed by Madeleine.] ALL Just some melodrama in this boy. [The lights focus on Madeleine and Cleante. The Zannies assume another pose.] MADELEINE [Speaking] Cleante: It's not enough for you to prove your love to my charming niece. You've got to prove it to her less-than-charming father. CLEANTE [Quickly] Ask me. I'll do anything for my sweet, beautiful, adorable, inspirational---- MADELEINE Ahem! CLEANTE [Singing, grandly] For my Angelique, I'd do anything. I'd turn her winters to spring. Sweet melodies I'd compose with great ease, Just to please... Angelique. Angelique! To hear her name makes me weak. Angelique. I would sink Mozambique, If her heart this would seek. Or raise Atlantis From this ocean, For devotion. All this and more I'd do for her. Angelique. I would happ'ly march into Hell's abyss For just one kiss. Yes! For my Angelique, I'd do anything. I'd dig through earth to Peking, Steal her a star. Yes, I know it's bizarre, But I'd do, by far, Much, much more, For my paramour, Angelique. [The lights return to normal. Cleante and Madeleine freeze in position. The Zannies dance.] ALL Still one character, Drawn by our farceur That we feel compelled to attack. COLUMBINE An old lunatic.... SCARAMOUCHE Who's sure he is sick [Argan hobbles onstage, giving himself an enema.] ALL Argan, the hypochondriac! [Argan farts.] ARGAN [Speaking] What is going on here? [To the audience] Go home! Can't you see that you're disturbing a sick man? [Coughing] It's enough to kill me. HARLEQUIN Sounds like a good idea to me. [Harlequin hits Argan with his slapstick.] ARGAN Ah! Villain! [Argan chases Harlequin and the other Zannies offstage to the music of "To Teach and To Delight." The Zannies re-enter, dancing, without Argan.] ALL [Singing] You should know, Now, that we've now whetted your appetite; Ridding this theatre of dramas too erudite, We've set the stage with our comical second sight, To teach and to delight, To teach and to delight, To teach and to delight... [The Zannies do several tricks.] You! [As the Zannies finish their song, they exit; the lights change.] A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE DRAFT VI ACT I, SCENE i Scene: In front of Cleante's theatre. The lights create two separate areas in which Toinette and Angelique, and Madeleine and Cleante carry out their individual scenes. At Rise: As the Prologue ends, the action in the two simultanious scenes begin. ANGELIQUE Toinette: I know papa won't approve, but I love Cleante. Can you help me? Will you help me? CLEANTE Madeleine: I love Angelique, not her father's money. We must make him realize this. Will you help me? Can you help me? TOINETTE You know I've always looked out for you. MADELEINE Do you think my heart's made of stone? MADELEINE and TOINETTE You're in the best of hands. TOINETTE [Singing] Dry up those silly tears. MADELEINE Dear boy, we must make no mistakes. MADELINE and TOINETTE In me you'll find... TOINETTE One who's good with plans. MADELEINE One who understands. TOINETTE I'll ease those silly fears. MADELEINE I know you've got the stuff it takes. MADELEINE and TOINETTE You will see that... TOINETTE Undeniably, MADELEINE And reliably, TOINETTE and MADELEINE You're in good hands! TOINETTE Confidentially, MADELEINE And essentially, Expeditiously, TOINETTE And propitiously, TOINETTE and MADELEINE You're in good hands! MADELEINE Advantageously, TOINETTE And courageously, MADELEINE and TOINETTE You're in good hands. MADELEINE Get your butt down to earth! TOINETTE I will help you shoot for the moon. MADELEINE and TOINETTE In me you'll find.... MADELEINE One with lots of heart. TOINETTE One who's very smart. MADELEINE Show us just what you're worth. TOINETTE This bad business could be a boon. [Madeleine and Toinette come together.] MADELEINE and TOINETTE You will see that.... MADELEINE Not offendingly, TOINETTE Happy endingly, MADELEINE and TOINETTE You're in good hands. TOINETTE Tickled pinkishly, MADELEINE Not hoodwinkishly, On the houseishly, TOINETTE Mickey Mouseishly, MADELEINE and TOINETTE You're in good hands. MADELEINE Here and nowishly, TOINETTE Wow-kazowishly, MADELEINE and TOINETTE You're in good hands! [The scenes merge.] MADELEINE and TOINETTE Don't let love pass you by. We can tell you that that won't do. In me you'll find, MADELEINE One who let it go. TOINETTE One who can't say no. CLEANTE and ANGELIQUE [Speaking] But---- TOINETTE and MADELEINE [Singing] Can't talk; how time can fly. We've got plenty of work to do! Just remember.... TOINETTE With some levity. MADELEINE And with brevity. MADELEINE and TOINETTE Do, do, do, do, do... You're in good hands! [As the song ends, Toinette and Madeleine put Angelique's and Cleante's hands together. Cleante tries to kiss Angelique, but she pulls away.] CLEANTE [Speaking] What's the matter? Don't tell me you regret making me the happiest man in the world? ANGELIQUE [To Cleante, Toinette and Madeleine] We have a little problem. MADELEINE What's your father done now? ANGELIQUE He wants to put me into a convent. TOINETTE That's the craziest---- MADELEINE Absurd---- CLEANTE We should elope, now...tonight. TOINETTE I can provide the perfect diversion---- ANGELIQUE No. CLEANTE Did you say, no? ANGELIQUE If I elope, papa will disown me! MADELEINE It wouldn't surprise me if your stepmother, Beline were behind this nun business. CLEANTE We don't need the money as long as we have each other. TOINETTE Leave it to an actor to come up with a cockamamie idea like that. Do you think you're on stage, now? CLEANTE Well---- ANGELIQUE Cleante, my darling: You're crazy if you think I want to live on what you make. MADELEINE I won't sit idly by while you grow old alone. TOINETTE Now let's not---- CLEANTE Just what's wrong with my salary? TOINETTE You're salary's not---- ANGELIQUE [To Cleante] It's not that simple. TOINETTE Exactly. If we---- MADELEINE I will not allow that woman Argan married to steal what rightfully belongs to Angelique. TOINETTE But---- CLEANTE I make a good living...for an actor. TOINETTE That's fine, but---- ANGELIQUE It's not just the money; I also love papa. TOINETTE Excuse me---- MADELEINE But Angelique, I cannot allow you to miss out on romance the way I have. TOINETTE Hold it. Hold it. CLEANTE Even without your father's money, you'll have me. TOINETTE Oh, come on---- ANGELIQUE We've got to be practical. TOINETTE Help! MADELEINE [Speaking together] Yes! I'll give my brother a piece of my mind, the like of which he'll never forget---- CLEANTE [Speaking together] We've been practical for far too long. [Drawing a pretend sword] We've got to drive practicality from our door---- ANGELIQUE [Speaking together] Cleante: I love you, but the money has to be taken into consideration, too, since---- TOINETTE [As the others argue] Hey? [Whistling] Hold it! [Franceschina enters with a dueling pistol and fires it. The trio stops arguing.] FRANCESCINA You see: The pistol can be used in love or war. You might say it has a dual purpose. [Francescina hands Toinette the pistol and exits.] CLEANTE Angelique: Be reasonable. The money isn't---- TOINETTE [Pointing the gun at Cleante] Stop saying that! [Cleante raises his hands.] If we all just work together we can keep you out of the convent, keep you together with her, and still get the money! MADELEINE Toinette is right. TOINETTE Step one: [To Angelique] Pretend to go along with your father's plans. CLEANTE But I thought---- TOINETTE [Loudly] Step two: [To Cleante] Shut up, go back to your little dressing room and sit tight. Step three: I'll stop Argan from executing his convent plans, by giving him the runaround. MADELEINE And I'll give my brother, a piece of my mind---- TOINETTE Ahem! Step four: [To Madeleine] You give your brother a piece of your mind. MADELEINE [Sarcastically] Good idea. CLEANTE This sounds so.... ANGELIQUE Just be patient, my beloved: Toinette always knows what to do. [Angelique and Cleante kiss.] MADELEINE Just remember, you're in the very best of hands. MADELEINE and TOINETTE CLEANTE ANGELIQUE [Singing] Don't let love pass you by. [Singing] For my Angelique I'd do anything. [Singing] Is it wrong for a girl to love We can tell you that that won't do. I'd turn her winter's to spring. Someone she hardly knows? In me you'll find... Sweet melodies, I mean, he's a stranger One who let it go. I'd compose with great ease But I like danger. One who can't say no. Just to please.... I think he's cute Can't talk; how time can fly. To hear her sweet name makes me... In that daft suit We've got plenty of work to do! Oh how fortune waits, And funny nose. Just remember.... To surprise us at each turn. Do, do, do, do do Perhaps the world's gone crazy You're in good hands. Angelique. And the right side's turned roun' Remember, you're in good hands. For my Angelique, Explain's why I love a... I'd do anything. Oh, how fortune waits, Explains why she loves a... To surprise us at each turn. No one can predict, Oh, how fortune waits No one can discern. To surprize us at each turn. What will be. No one can predict, So, being turned around, No one can discern Explains why I love a clown. What will be. You're in good hands. [As the quartet finishes, they exit; the lights change.] A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE DRAFT VI ACT I, SCENE ii Scene: Argan's house, a few moments later. At Rise: As the lights change the Zannies wildly wheel in Argan in his wheelchair; when stopped, Argan tots up his bills. ARGAN Three and two make five, and five make ten, and ten make twenty. [Reading] "On the twenty-forth of this month a small insinuative, composed of double catholicon, rhubarb, and rose honey to soothe, moisten, and refresh the bowels of Monsieur Argan." Ah! Dr. Diafoirus, your prescriptions are so poetic. "...the bowels of Monsieur Argan...thirty Francs?!?!" All the poetry in the world isn't worth thirty Francs! But an enema,on the other hand...and is was sooooos good...to the last drop. However, you only charged twenty on your last bill. I know: I'll just insinuate twenty Francs. "And, on that same date, an elixir to calm the rambunctious liver of Monsieur Argan, and induce slumber..." Ah: My poor wife must have been so disappointed. "....To induce slumber....forty Francs?!" Oh, Dr. Diafoirus: No wonder I'm not any better! I need more attention and fewer bills. I insist that you----No. You have too many patients. Even with your son to help, you don't have enough time for me. There's got to be a way to get more care. If only...if only... [Singing] Totting up the bills, From my fav'rite ills, Dreaming as I've never dreamed before. Of that glori'us day, Come without delay, When my doctor's here forever more! On that day we'll be, Just one family: Father and daughter and my lov'ly spouse. Add on more, my treat. Makes this list complete, By being a doctor in my house! No more having to worry. No more having to whine or grouse. No more vision that's blurry, With a doctor in the house. Enemas by the gallon. Pills that look and taste like a mouse. Being sick will be Heaven! With a doctor in the house. There'll be no more waiting for calls, Or hearing he's at the tennis court. He'll be here when my blood pressure falls To give me an up-to-date brief progress report! If I could live to see, A doctor just for me. A doctor in the house. [Speaking; looking at his bill] So, Dr. Diafoirus and son, one of these days you'll lose me to a doctor who'll be here just for--[Looking at the bill again]---Just for me? Diafoirus and son? [Thinking] And my daughter...Yes! [Argan jumps out of his chair and dances for joy. The Zannies dance with him.] [Singing] My own private physician, My ills with pills he'll daily douse. But never fear remission, With a doctor in the house. He'll have a big blunt hypo Yes, to stick in my derriere. Free plasma and free type-O, From a doctor, from a doctor, from a doctor, From a doctor, from a doctor, from a doctor ...You know where. [As argan finishes his song, the Zannies seat themselves around the stage.] [Speaking] Toinette! [Shouting offstage] Toinette! [Argan picks up a bell and begins to ring it.] I have to get in touch with Dr. Diafoirus immediately! Where is that lazy girl? Toinette! [Ringing and shouting] Ting-a-ling- aling! Ting-aling-aling! Toinette!!! [Throwing the bell away.] Ting-aling-aling! Ting-aling-aling! Where are you? Ting-aling- aling! [Toinette enters.] TOINETTE [Almost singing it] Here, I am, Monsieur---- ARGAN Have you forgotten there's a dying man in this house? TOINETTE Like we could forget? ARGAN I have to contact my doctor---- TOINETTE Oh, good, because I've got this funny pain in my side---- ARGAN You selfish, inconsiderate---- TOINETTE ----That shoots over to the other side---- ARGAN Dr. Diafoirus isn't coming---- TOINETTE ----Then down the middle---- ARGAN I said---- TOINETTE ----And up the back landing [Pointing at her neck] here. ARGAN Oh, shut up! My doctor doesn't care about your pains! TOINETTE But I heard that he was an expert at dealing with a pain in the neck. ARGAN [Shouting] Dr. Diafoirus doesn't have time---Uh! Now look what you've done: I have a sore throat. TOINETTE I'm not surprised! Why, just look at that untied muffler! Here: Let's make you more comfortable..... ARGAN I don't want to be comfortable---- TOINETTE [Tightening Argan's muffler] There. ARGAN Awk! You're strangling me! TOINETTE Am I? Then maybe we should take that silly thing off. ARGAN Toinette: Just---- [Toinette pulls Argan out of the wheelchair as she "tries" to take the muffler off Argan.] Ahhhhh! TOINETTE [Swinging him around] Oh, my: It seems to be knotted! ARGAN Ahhhh! Turn me loose! TOINETTE [Swinging him around] I almost have it, Monsieur. Be patient. ARGAN Just let me go. Ahhhh! TOINETTE [Swinging him around] But---- ARGAN I said---- TOINETTE Okay! [Toinette lets go of the muffler sending Argan tumbling to the ground.] Oh, Monsieur: Let me help you up---- ARGAN [Pulling away from Toinette] No! No!! You've done enough! Just clear away those bills. [Toinette picks up Argan's bell and rings it. The Zannies jump up and begin tidying up.] [To Toinette] Who are they? TOINETTE Your new servants. Your wife hired them. [Pierrot juggles three books.] ARGAN He doesn't look much like a servant. TOINETTE He used to be an accountant. ARGAN How do you know? TOINETTE He's juggling the books! [The Zannies quickly spread out around the stage as Madeleine enters.] MADELEINE Ah, my dear brother! How are you today? ARGAN Very poorly. MADELEINE But just look at those rosy cheeks. ARGAN They are not rosy! I barely have the strength to talk. MADELEINE Well, save your strength. I only want you to listen. I'd like to talk to you about Angelique. ARGAN Oh, she's fine; I, on the other hand---- MADELEINE What's this nonsense, I hear, about a convent? ARGAN I had thought that a convent would help cure her lack of filial devotion---- MADELEINE Did Beline suggest this? ARGAN You're always so suspicious! As a matter of fact, Beline had nothing to do with it. It was that priest she brought over---- MADELEINE I should have known! ARGAN Not another word against my beloved Beline; She gave up a very promising career as a dancer to become my wife and care for me. MADELEINE Oh, very well. Add blindness to your list of afflictions. Your precious wife is a saint. Let's not discuss the point any further. Have you stopped to consider that Angelique might prefer...getting married...[Before Argan can answer] And, Argan, I have just the man---- ARGAN Toinette: Send Angelique down here. [To Madeleine] I think I've also come to the conclusion that marriage would be better for her than a convent. TOINETTE [Aside to Madeleine] Keep it up; you're on a roll. [Toinette exits.] MADELEINE That's wonderful. ARGAN And the sooner she's married, the better. MADELEINE Yes! And I know a certain young man---- [Toinette and Angelique enter.] ARGAN Ah, Angelique. Come in. Come in. [Angelique kisses her father.] ANGELIQUE Good afternoon, papa...[With a wink to Madeleine]...aunt Madeleine. [To Argan] You wanted to speak to me? ARGAN Your aunt and I have been talking, and I've decided you should get married. And I even have a prospective husband for you. MADELEINE You do? TOINETTE [Aside to Madeleine] Good going. MADELEINE But I haven't---- [Toinette turns back to a gleeful Angelique who is smiling.] ARGAN You're smiling? ANGELIQUE I'm happy to get married if it pleases you. MADELEINE Angelique: Could I have a word with you---- ARGAN Obedient child. You're such--eh? [Madeleine tries to signal Angelique. Argan catches sight of her gesturing.] MADELEINE Oh. Ah...these darned germs! ARGAN Then it's settled. MADELEINE But Argan---- ARGAN There'll be no more talk about a convent. TOINETTE [Aside to Madeleine] Boy, you're a fast worker! MADELEINE You don't understand: I---- TOINETTE [To Angelique] And you were worried over nothing. ANGELIQUE [Hugging her father] Oh, thank you, papa. [To Madeleine] And thank you. MADELEINE But---- TOINETTE It's the wisest thing you've ever done, Monsieur. ARGAN I haven't seen this young man myself, but someone who knows him very well, sings his praises. ANGELIQUE [With a glance toward Madeleine] I'm sure it's all true, papa. ARGAN [Singing] I hear this fellow is most kind. ANGELIQUE He is most kind: Yes, dear papa. ARGAN And that he's got a clever mind. ANGELIQUE Cleverest mind: Yes, dear papa. ARGAN I heard a very close source rave, He works like a slave. MADELEINE [To Angelique] Let's not be hasty; why don't we save---- ANGELIQUE I must confess, That I felt some distress At the thought of this mess, But that's all past, now. I'll share some news. I know him whom you choose, And I just can't refuse! I'm an enthusiast, now. I've heard it said, he's like an Adonis. God like physique--yes--as a small bonus. MADELEINE But don't you think we should reserve---- ARGAN So, marrying won't be an onus? [Angelique and Toinette look at each other puzzled.] MADELEINE [Speaking; to Angelique] I really need to speak to you...outside--- ARGAN [Singing] I hear his manners are divine. ANGELIQUE Manners divine: Yes, dear papa. ARGAN Even when he is drinking wine. ANGELIQUE Not too much wine: No, dear papa. ARGAN I'm sure he'll be quite good for you, Faithful through and through. MADELEINE This all sounds just too good to be true---- ANGELIQUE He's also billed, As romantically skilled, And some women are thrilled, To be around him. But... I've also heard, He's as shy as a bird, And that he's never erred. Father's are tickled with him. His life is pure, He never swears or smokes. But he's not dull, He sings well and tells jokes. MADELEINE I think that perhaps we should stop and---- ARGAN But how is he at handling strokes? [Madeleine, Toinette and Angelique look at each other. Madeleine tries to speak; Angelique interrupts her.] ANGELIQUE His qualities, Will quite def'nitely please, With the greatest of ease, Some lucky young girl. So---- With upraised voice, I can happ'ly rejoice, At the man of your choice, And give this marriage a whirl. [Angelique spins Argan around in his wheelchair.] ARGAN, TOINETTE and ANGELIQUE You must admit, it's plain to see; A man like this has to be An asset that we both can use, And never lose. This man belongs in our happy family! ARGAN I'm glad that this agrees with you. MADELEINE Agree with who---- ANGELIQUE Yes, dear papa. ARGAN All this and a physician, too. ANGELIQUE Physician, too: Yes, dear pa--huh? ARGAN How nice to have a doctor here, Who won't disappear, And---- TOINETTE [Speaking as Argan is singing] Hold it. Hold it. [To the musicians] Hey, you: Stop the music. [Scaramouche pulls out a whistle, blowing it at the musicians. The music stops abruptly.] MUSICIAN Sorry. TOINETTE [To Argan] What do you mean, a doctor? ANGELIQUE When did he become a doctor? ARGAN Dr. Diafoirus said he's wanted to be a docter since he was a little boy. ANGELIQUE How would he know what Cleante wants? ARGAN Who is Cleante? TOINETTE The man we've been talking about. ARGAN Where'd you get that idea? [Toinette and Angelique look at Madeleine.] MADELEINE I've been trying to tell you---- ARGAN His name is Thomas Diafoirus. Doctor Thomas Diafoirus. ANGELIQUE [To Madeleine and Toinette] Thomas Diafoirus?!?! MADELEINE Oh, no! ARGAN This way I'll get a doctor in the house. FRANCESCINA >From the play by the same name. ANGELIQUE Ah...could we talk about the convent again? TOINETTE This has gone far enough. [To Madeleine and Angelique] Would you excuse us for a moment? I'd like to have a word with Monsieur Argan...alone. [Toinette pulls Argan aside.] [Smiling] This is your idea of a joke, isn't it? ARGAN I'm too sick to have a sense of humor. TOINETTE Then don't laugh, but.... [Singing loudly] My Angelique won't wed this doc! ARGAN What did you say? [To Angelique] What did she say? [To Madeleine] What did she say? TOINETTE That notion's just a great big crock! ANGELIQUE Oh, please, Toinette! ARGAN How dare the wretch! How dare the wretch! MADELEINE Forgive the girl; it must be shock! TOINETTE With what you've done, She'd chose life as a nun, Then wed that doctor's son; So, forget it... It's time you learned, As far as I'm concerned, This discussion's adjourned; Why don't you please cut the---- MADELEINE Sit! [Toinette sits.] MADELEINE [Speaking] Get ahold of yourself! TOINETTE I got carried away! ANGELIQUE Oh, papa: please---- ARGAN Did you hear how she spoke to me? TOINETTE Look, Monsieur: I didn't mean to upset you. ARGAN Well, you did! TOINETTE I only meant to say--as a loyal employee, that is--to her beloved employer...[Screaming] You're nuts if you think Angelique's going to marry that junior quack. ARGAN [Singing] I say that you will marry him. TOINETTE Why don't you just deep-six your plan! MADELEINE This scheme is nothing but a whim. ANGELIQUE Papa: I do not love this man. ALL Oh? You must admit, it's plain to see; A man like this has to be ARGAN A benefit. MADELEINE, TOINETTE and ANGELIQUE A tragedy. ARGAN My favorite. MADELEINE A travesty. ARGAN A benifit! MADELEINE, TOINETTE and ANGELIQUE A tragedy! ARGAN My favorite!! MADELEINE, TOINETTE and ANGELIQUE A travesty!!! And we disagree, That.... ALL This man belongs in our happy family! MADELEINE [Speaking] Let's not end this argument on the wrong note. [The musicians play a concordant chord.] How can you force your daughter to marry this stranger...this son of a... HARLEQUIN Quack! ANGELIQUE I don't even know this man. ARGAN You'll like him. Last year he made over two hundred thousand Francs. TOINETTE He must have killed an awful lot of patients to make that much money! ARGAN Don't you have some duties to attend to? TOINETTE I'm on my break. Can't you see you're only doing this because you think you're sick. ARGAN [Jumping out of his wheelchair] Think I'm sick? Think I'm sick? Any idiot can see how sick I am. TOINETTE You're as hale and hearty as I am! ARGAN [Raising his cane] I can take care of that. [Argan chases Toinette around the room with his cane.] [Swinging the cane] Ugh! MADELEINE Toinette: Please! TOINETTE People will think you're sick [Pointing at her head] up here. ARGAN [Swinging the cane] Ugh! I don't care what people think. I'm not dealing with people! I'm dealing with my daughter!! [Swinging his cane] Ugh! ANGELIQUE Papa---- ARGAN This doesn't concern you. [Swinging the cane at Toinette] Ugh! She will either marry Thomas Diafoirus, or [Abruptly turning toward Angelique] get thee to a nunnery! SCARAMOUCHE I've heard that before. TOINETTE [Laughing] You can't make her do anything. ARGAN [Swinging the cane] Ugh! I can, too. TOINETTE No: You can't! ARGAN [Swinging the cane] Ugh! Yes, I can. TOINETTE No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no: You can't! ARGAN Stop saying that! [To Angelique] Make her stop saying that! [Swinging his cane] Ugh! MADELEINE Be careful! [Columbine suddenly jumps in front of Argan holding up her hand.] COLUMBINE Wait a minute, Monsieur! Stop! You're forgetting that you're a very sick man. [Argan suddenly remembers and swoons. The Zannies help him back into his wheelchair. Angelique crosses to help.] ARGAN Ooooooh. [Weakly to Angelique] I order you to marry---- [While Angelique is helping settle her father, she puts Argan's muffler into his mouth.] ANGELIQUE Oh, papa: Don't make yourself ill. ARGAN Ah! BELINE [Singing it offstage] Argan! [Beline enters dancing.] [Seeing the others] Oh! You're not alone. ARGAN Ah, Beline, my beloved.... BELINE My sweet. ARGAN My turtle dove. BELINE My old crow. What have they done to my [Speaking like a child] wittle hubby-wubby? MADELEINE We've been trying to reason with him. ARGAN [Pointing at Toinette] That bitch talked back to me. BELINE Shame on her! There, there. Don't excite yourself, my sweet. I'm here now. ARGAN [Pointing his cane at Toinette] She says my daughter...my own flesh and blood...won't marry the man I've chosen for her. TOINETTE I said that she'd be better off in a convent! ANGELIQUE Toinette! [Toinette signals Angelique not to worry.] BELINE I see nothing wrong with that. ARGAN She also had the effrontery to tell me that I am not sick! BELINE Of course you're sick. [Sotto voce] Sickeningly sick. MADELEINE Oh, dear God! ARGAN Toinette was probably hired by those people who owe me money, to make me have a stroke! Get rid of her. BELINE But darling: All servants have faults. We have to put up with their bad qualities in order to enjoy their good ones. The girl is, after all, quick, attentive, industrious, and above all, [Putting her arm around Toinette] loyal. TOINETTE You've got to be very careful who you hire these days. BELINE Toinette? TOINETTE Yes, Madame? BELINE I want you to do everything my husband says, and don't annoy him ever again...[With a glance toward Madeleine and Angelique]...Although, I'm sure, this time, you were an innocent pawn. MADELEINE Oh! TOINETTE Well, Madame: I always try to please the Monsieur. [Pretending to cry] But you know how he can be so---- BELINE Yes, yes: I understand. ARGAN Ah! The liar! Do you believe her? BELINE I believe you. Just calm yourself, for Heaven's sake. Toinette: Get me a blanket and some pillows. TOINETTE [Surgeon-like] Pillows! [Franceschina brings out some pillows.] [Surgeon-like] Blanket! [Pierrot brings out a blanket.] BELINE I want to make my poor, sick husband just as comfortable as I possibly can. Let's pull that cap down over those little ears: We don't want some nasty little draft going in [Pointing at his left ear; speaking like a child] this wittle ear.... MADELEINE [Sotto voce] ....And out the other. ARGAN Ah, Beline, I am so grateful that you gave up your dance career just to look after me. BELINE Let's prop you up with some nice pillows: We'll put this one here, and this one here, and this one here. [Beline turns away to pick up another pillow, and Toinette hits Argan with a pillow.] TOINETTE And this one's for your fat head! [Toinette exits laughing.] ARGAN [Jumping up] Ahhhh! BELINE Now what's the matter? ARGAN [Falling back into his chair] She did it to me again. It'll take at least two or three hours in the spine stretcher to relax me. BELINE There, there, my poor darling: You just sit back and let [Speaking like a child] your wittle Bewine take good care of you. ANGELIQUE Papa, if we could only talk---- ARGAN I'll talk! You'll listen! Either marry Thomas Diafoirus or get ready for a nasty habit. [Angelique exits crying.] MADELEINE After what I have witnessed, I can only say that there is no one more deserving of being ill than you. [Madeleine runs after Angelique.] BELINE Ah, finally alone with the joy of my---- [Beline notices the Zannies. She snarls at them, snaps her finger and gesture them out. The Zannies exit in a panic.] ARGAN Oh, my sweet angel: You're the only one who understands. BELINE Yes, my poor little darling. ARGAN And your devotion shall not go unrewarded. Send for a lawyer. BELINE Oh, my love, please: Let's not talk about that now. ARGAN Well, I suppose that I can change my will some other---- BELINE But why put off until tomorrow what we can do today. And...oh, what do you know. It just so happens there's a lawyer waiting out in the hall. ARGAN There is? BELINE He must be one of those door-to-door lawyers. ARGAN What a happy coincidence! Well, show him in, my beloved. BELINE If you insist, my darling. [Beline crosses over to a door, opens it, and summons Monsieur Bonnefoy into the room.] This way, Monsieur Bonnefoy. [Monsieur Bonnefoy enters. Toinette enters in the back of the scene, unnoticed by everyone, and hides out of sight.] TOINETTE [Sotto voce] Oh, ho! BELINE Monsieur: This is my husband. BONNEFOY Good afternoon, Monsieur. ARGAN [To Beline] Very nice manners, especially for a door-to-door lawyer. BELINE Monsieur Bonnefoy comes highly recommended by a number of prominent widows. ARGAN Widows? BELINE Did I say widows? I meant...ah... BONNEFOY Willows! ARGAN Willows? BELINE Yes: You see he specializes in laws that deal with...ah... BONNEFOY Trees! ARGAN Trees? But I need someone who can help me with a family matter! BELINE Haven't you ever heard of family trees? ARGAN Oh. I see. Well, Monsieur: I---- BONNEFOY [Anxiously] Want to change your will. ARGAN How did you know that? BELINE He's clairvoyant. Saves time. ARGAN Oh, my honey-bunny: You think of everything. [To Bonnefoy] Isn't she a honey-bunny? This is why I want my ever-so-devoted wife to inherit everything I own. BONNEFOY Well, Monsieur: That's very generous, but unfortunately I discovered only today that you can only leave one tenth of your estate to your wife in your will. BELINE What? Why? BONNEFOY In researching our local laws I've found that in the case of Pompidoux vs de Gaulle, the courts have decided that in the case of a second marriage, the children of the first marriage must be the primary inheritors, unless they are physically unable to do so. BELINE Such as if his daughter were in a convent---- ARGAN Angelique has to marry a doctor! BELINE What about me? I know how much it would please you to see me get what I deserve. TOINETTE [Aside] It'd please me. BONNEFOY There is another solution. BELINE Oh? BONNEFOY When dealing with the law we must never think of trying to break it...only bend it a little to fit our purposes. ARGAN And you think the law in this case is bendable? BONNEFOY [To Argan] In this case I'd say it's double jointed! You see: The state will not allow you to dispose of your property as you please once you're dead. It will, however look the other way if you wish to dispose of, release, or even squander, your estate...as long as you're still alive. You are alive? ARGAN [Feeling for his heart] Barely. BONNEFOY You can give said wife everything in the form of a gift. BELINE And this will avoid any legal tangles with Angelique later? BONNEFOY Once I draw up this writ of habeas fortuous, there isn't a power on earth that can stop us from getting away with it. [Pause, with a quick look at Argan; a little giggle] Well, you know what I mean. ARGAN Monsieur Bonnefoy: Your idea intrigues me, but this gift business sounds so...so.... BELINE Shady? ARGAN Simple. BELINE Simple: That's what I meant. ARGAN But you may have a point. [To Bonnefoy] Is this deed legal? The last thing a man in my condition needs is trouble with the law! BONNEFOY What does legal have to do with the law? My dear, Monsieur Argan: [Singing] On such a question I think that you will find, It really doesn't matter. Legalities are Merely a state of mind: A lot of idle chatter. [Bonnefoy and Beline dance around Argan.] BELINE You need a lawyer, One who can really dance Around a legal issue. One who can turn your Daughter's inheritance... BONNEFOY and BELINE Toward the one who'll miss you. BONNEFOY I will hand the law A fandango, As I dance the Illegal tango. Turning illegal into a legal thing. With this case I'll Take all occasions, [Bonnefoy pulls Beline cheek to cheek with himself.] To pursue some close litigations... BONNEFOY and BELINE So deeds felonious, Aren't inharmonious, To forces of the law. BONNEFOY First a subpoena, Then I will serve a writ. BELINE To that ungrateful daughter. BONNEFOY Even Supreme Court Justices will admit.... BELINE You're doing what you ought'a. BONNEFOY This deed of gift ends Problems with regal ease. BELINE A widow needs the money. BONNEFOY Espec'ally if it's drawn Up with legalese. BONNEFOY and BELINE It's the ideal remedy. Come and join us in this fandango. Come we'll teach you to dance this tango. Skills terpsichoreal And saltatorial, Help me to practice law! When it comes to Juris prudential---- Dip! Lawyers are most providential. And acts felonious Aren't inharmonious, To what is in the law. BONNEFOY Think of your earthly goods, Think of what they're worth. BELINE [To Bonnefoy] You'd better be explicit! BONNEFOY Now, think of who's been Good to you on earth.... BELINE It's not your daughter, is it? BONNEFOY Now is the time to dis- Pose of your estate. BOTH Before you must say adieu. BELINE and BONNEFOY Think of the child who riles You. What is her fate? And your wife who has been true? ARGAN Yes, we'll give the law a fandango. Yes, we'll dance this illegal tango. ALL Turning illegal into a legal thing. While practicing the law! BONNEFOY and BELINE When it comes to juris prudential---- Skip! Lawyers are most providential. ALL And deeds felonious Seem quite harmonious... Like music to my ears. BELINE [Speaking] Ah, my sweet: You know I care nothing about your money. ARGAN Oh, my pet. BELINE My dear. ARGAN My little sugar plum. BELINE My little prune. ARGAN Make up the deed of gift, and I'll sign it. [Beline hugs Argan. While embracing Argan, Beline kisses Bonnefoy who stands behind the wheelchair. Bonnefoy pulls out the deed of gift. Then Beline and Bonnefoy spin Argan about as he peruses the deed.] ARGAN [Speaking as he exits] Oh, I'm exhausted. Why don't you two consummate this affair. [Argan exits. Beline and Bonnefoy look at each other lustfully and laugh sinisterly. They exit dancing. Toinette moves to center stage, watching anxiously as the trio exits. She exits in another direction. The lights change.] A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE DRAFT VI ACT I, SCENE iii Scene: The garden of Argan's house, a few moments later. At Rise: Franceschina enters holding a two-dimensional tree and Pierrot enters with a two-dimensional flower. Harlequin poses as a statue, while Columbine and Scaramouche join hands and form an arbor. Madeleine and Angelique enter. Angelique is crying. MADELEINE I'll make your father see reason, if I have to break every bone in his body. [Toinette enters.] TOINETTE We're in trouble! ANGELIQUE Things couldn't possibly get any worse. TOINETTE I just overheard Beline's lawyer persuade your father to turn everything he owns over to her. MADELEINE She's been trying to get her scheming hands on Argan's money since the day she married him. ANGELIQUE What'll we do? TOINETTE [To Madeleine] You handle Argan and his quack-o-mania. Let me handles Beline. MADELEINE But how? TOINETTE Let me see, Argan isn't going to sign the deed of gift until tomorrow. ANGELIQUE That doesn't give us much time. TOINETTE Step one: I continue to ingratiate myself to Beline. Since your stepmother thinks she can trust me, maybe she'll offer me an opportunity to expose her to the old fart? ANGELIQUE What about Cleante? MADELEINE I'll inform him---- TOINETTE Ahem! Step two: [To Madeleine] You inform lover boy about the doctor dilemma---- ANGELIQUE He'll think of something. TOINETTE ----And tell him to stay put! We don't need any more complications. Now, do we have our assignments? MADELEINE [To Angelique] Don't worry, my dear: I'll come back this evening to see what I can do to spoil Argan's marriage plans for you. ANGELIQUE I know: I'm in good hands. [The Zannies sing as they change the set back to what it was. Angelique, Madeleine and Toinette exit.] ZANNIES So, we're here once more, At Argan's front door, Later on that day... [The light suddenly lower to suggest evening.] But now it's night. Ev'ryone's perplexed, As to what comes next, To teach and to delight. To teach and to delight. To teach and to delight! [The Zannies exit as the lights change.] A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE DRAFT VI ACT I, SCENE iv Scene: Argan's house, early evening, that same day. At Rise: Toinette answers the door. Cleante stands there in disguise. TOINETTE May I help you, Monsieur? [Cleante removes his disguise with a flair.] You! CLEANTE I've got to see Angelique. TOINETTE It's too dangerous. CLEANTE I'm not leaving until---- TOINETTE [Seeing Argan offstage] Here comes the old fool now. You've got to get out of here. CLEANTE No. [Toinette tries to pull Cleante out of the room. Cleante resists. Argan enters.] ARGAN [Mumbling to himself, and looking around] Now where did I leave my portable proctoscope? [Toinette throws her body in front of Cleante, vainly trying to hide him.] TOINETTE [Loudly; nervously] Ah, Monsieur! ARGAN Ahhhhh! You scared me! TOINETTE Oh, pardon me, Monsieur! Why don't you go back to your room, and I'll bring you a nice...warm catheter. ARGAN Oh, that does sound good. Eh? Who is that man? TOINETTE What man? ARGAN [Pointing at Cleante with his cane] That man. CLEANTE Monsieur: I am---- [Toinette stomps on Cleante's foot.] Ow! TOINETTE There's nobody behind me. Your eyes must be playing tricks on you. ARGAN But I heard him say: "Monsieur, I am----" TOINETTE Your ears must be playing tricks on you, too. Whatever's in your eyes must be contagious. And....[Toinette pretends to speak].... ARGAN Eh? Speak up; I can't hear you. TOINETTE I said...[Pretending to speak, again]... ARGAN Eh? Eh? I can't hear you! [Toinette takes Argan by the arm, trying to lead him offstage.] TOINETTE Tch. Tch. Tch. Not hearing me, but hearing and seeing someone who isn't even here---- CLEANTE But---- TOINETTE [Shouting] Who isn't here! ARGAN I'm not deaf! TOINETTE I'll bet your doctors will have a field day with these new symptoms. ARGAN [Excitedly] New symptoms? [Cleante runs around in front of Toinette and Argan.] CLEANTE Monsieur: Allow me to introduce myself. ARGAN Didn't you hear? I have new symptoms. I don't see or hear anybody. TOINETTE That's right. [Approaching Cleante, threateningly] He's a figment of your imagination, who'd better go away if he knows what's good for him. ARGAN [Weakening] He looks very real. TOINETTE That's even worse! CLEANTE I am real! TOINETTE and ARGAN No, you're not! CLEANTE Yes, I am. TOINETTE No, you're not! CLEANTE Yes, I am. TOINETTE No, you're not! ARGAN Wait a minute. If he's not real, then who are you arguing with? TOINETTE Well....ah...[Pause]...I guess he must be real, after all. [Toinette grabs Cleante by the arm and tries to lead him offstage.] [Quickly] So nice of you to stop by; sorry you have to run, but-- ARGAN Who is he? TOINETTE Nobody. CLEANTE My name is Cleante, Monsieur. I'm your daughter's music teacher. ARGAN You aren't Monsieur Bizet. TOINETTE He's a...substitute music teacher. ARGAN What happened to her regular teacher, Monsieur Bizet? CLEANTE He...ah.... TOINETTE Couldn't make it because.... CLEANTE He's composing a new piece of music. TOINETTE Composing takes up a lot of time: Bizet, Bizet, Bizet. CLEANTE [Bowing to Argan] I'm happy to find you looking so well, Monsieur. TOINETTE How dare you accuse him of looking well. Just look at those beady, bloodshot eyes, and all that [Poking Argan's stomach] swelling! [To Argan] Stick out your tongue. [Argan sticks out his tongue.] Would you call that the tongue of a well man? Au contraire: He's a mess! ARGAN [With his tongue still out] Quite so. CLEANTE I apologize, Monsieur. ARGAN Accepted. CLEANTE Your daughter's teacher sent me because he's doesn't want her training interrupted. ARGAN I see. [To Toinette] Send---- TOINETTE I know, I know! Send you your daughter. Don't you think it would be better if this music teacher were to give Angelique her lesson in her room? ARGAN No. TOINETTE Monsieur: All that noise will just irritate you---- ARGAN I like music. I want you to send--ah, here she is. Go see if my wife is ready. Doctor Diafoirus and his son will be arriving anytime now. [Angelique enters. Toinette exits.] Come in, my child. Come in. I have some bad news for you. Your music teacher can't be with you today, but he sent this young man in his place. ANGELIQUE [Finally seeing Cleante] Oh! ARGAN What's the matter? You seem upset. ANGELIQUE I'm...I'm just surprised. That is, this man doesn't look very much like a music teacher. He looks more like an actor. ARGAN An actor? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! He couldn't fool anyone. CLEANTE Shall we begin our lessen, Mademoiselle? ARGAN But you have no instrument. CLEANTE A good music teach never travels without music. [Cleante opens the door, and the Zannies enter, forming themselves into a piano. Argan looks suspiciously at them.] ARGAN Say: Aren't you....? SCARAMOUCHE How could we be? ARGAN Well---- CLEANTE Now, Mademoiselle: Permit me to show you my talents, and I'm sure we can make beautiful music, together. [Singing] Please Mad'moiselle: Come over her. Stand at ease. What's to fear? Singing makes one happy, my dear. For... Music, you will find liberates, Your heart from fettered states. ANGELIQUE That is quite clear. CLEANTE For you will see Music is a natural art. Comes from the heart. I will impart, to you. Now test out your diaphragm. [Cleante stands behind Angelique and puts his arms around her.] ANGELIQUE Where is my diaphragm? CLEANTE Right about here. Relax, my dear, Breathing is a natural act. Something you've lacked. We will enact it. For you will find sightreading All of the musical charms in me, Brings us in close harmony! [Speaking as the music continues] Now, Mademoiselle: Let's hear a few notes of that lovely voice of yours. ANGELIQUE What should I sing? CLEANTE Just open your mouth, and something will come out. ANGELIQUE [Singing] La, la, la, etc. CLEANTE [Speaking while Angelique sings] Good. But now try "oooh." ANGELIQUE [Singing] Ooooh! CLEANTE Good. But purse your lips more. [Anglique purses her lips more.] No, no, Mademoiselle: Like this. [Cleante purses his lips into a kiss-like pucker.] [Singing] Ooooh! ANGELIQUE [Imitating Cleante's pucker and sound] Oooh. [Cleante and Angelique's lips move closer togather as they "oooh."] CLEANTE Good, but put more passion into it. Make love to the sound. [Cleante and Angelique move closer together just about to kiss.] ARGAN What? [Cleante and Argan break apart.] CLEANTE A metaphor! Now: Continue on "la." [As she finishes the musical phrase before the coda.] Brava. Bravissima. Angelissima! ANGELIQUE [Singing] You will find sightreading All of the musical charms in me.... CLEANTE Brings us in close harmony. ANGELIQUE Music, helps me communicate, Feelings so intricate... CLEANTE I'll be your aid. ANGELIQUE And you'll see my vocals have a natural flair, Though I declare, They need some care, from you. My voice is an instrument. CLEANTE A lovely instrument! ANGELIQUE Meant to be played. Please help me develop my natural skills. Think of the thrills, Your help instills, in me. You will find sightreading All of the musical charms in me, Brings us in close harmony. CLEANTE [Speaking] It's time we dance. ANGELIQUE [Smiling] Dance? ARGAN You're supposed to be her music teacher, not her dance teacher! CLEANTE What better way to convey a sense of rhythm in music, than through the movement of one's feet. Think of it as another way of tapping your foot to a happy tune. ARGAN [Confused] Well.... CLEANTE I knew an intelligent man like you would understand. [Grabbing Angelique] Madmoiselle? One, two, three. One, two, three. [Cleante and Angelique dance.] ARGAN [As Angelique and Cleante dance] Are you sure holding her so tightly is necessary for her music lesson? CLEANTE and ANGELIQUE Absolutely. [Singing] You will find sightreading All of the musical charms in me, Brings us in close harmony. [Cleante and Angelique dance offstage. The Zannies follow.] TOINETTE [Speaking; offstage] Monsieur! Monsieur! [Toinette enters running.] Oh, Monsieur: They're here. ARGAN Doctor Diafoirus? TOINETTE And son. And let me say, I take back everything I said this morning. The moment I saw that boy, I could see just how much brains it took to make this choice. ARGAN Let that be a lesson to you. Don't just stand there. Show them in. TOINETTE [Announcing] Doctor Diafoirus and son. [Diafoirus enters.] DIAFOIRUS Ahhhh! Monsieur Argan! [Handing Argan a wrapped box] Your favorite. Chocolate covered ex-lax! ARGAN Oooooh! My dear, Doctor Diafoirus: How can I ever thank you? DIAFOIRUS Don't worry: It'll appear on your next bill. TOINETTE [Calling offstage] And son? DIAFOIRUS Now: How are we feeling this evening? [Diafoirus blandly grabs Argan's wrist and begins rotely taking his pulse.] ARGAN [Suddenly at death's door] Terrible, Doctor, terrible. I have a pain right here---- [Thomas scampers in, ogling Toinette. Diafoirus drops Argan's wrist abruptly, almost causing Argan to fall out of his chair, and runs over to throw his arm around Thomas's shoulder.] DIAFOIRUS Monsieur: I have the supreme pleasure of introducing to you, the man who is following in my humble footsteps in the war against sickness: My son, Thomas! ARGAN It is an honor. THOMAS The honor is mine. DIAFOIRUS Don't you have something else to say? THOMAS Oh, yes. [Pause; aside to Diafoirus] Should I shake hands with the old---- DIAFOIRUS [Quickly] Just your little speech. THOMAS [With rote blandness] Monsieur: I come to salute and revere you as a second father. My first father had no choice, but you have chosen me out of the kindness of your heart. My first father-- -- DIAFOIRUS That'll do. THOMAS Good. ARGAN [To Toinette] He's even better than I imagined. THOMAS [To Toinette] Well, I guess you're next. [Trying to kiss Toinette] I feel a thrill from the sweet rapture of your radiant--- [Toinette laughs.] ARGAN What are you doing? THOMAS Greeting my bride to be. DIAFOIRUS [Rolling his eyes] Oh, Thomas. ARGAN That's not my daughter; that's the maid! THOMAS [Disappointed] Awwww! ARGAN My daughter's taking her music lesson at the moment and will be along directly. DIAFOIRUS And are we going to have the pleasure of meeting that lovely wife I've heard so much about? ARGAN Toinette: What's keeping my wife? [Madeleine enters.] MADELEINE Good evening, Argan. I presume I am welcome at this dinner---- THOMAS She's not your daughter, is she? MADELEINE I beg your pardon? ARGAN Of course not! THOMAS Oh, I see. [Taking Madeleine's hand; again by rote] Madame: As my future mother-in-law, you are---- MADELEINE [Pleasantly amusued, to Argan] What is this intriguingly handsome, but obviously befuddled, young man babbling about? ARGAN [To Thomas] I am not married to this woman! THOMAS Just living together? ARGAN This is my sister. THOMAS [Unconvinced] Un-huh. MADELEINE [Aside to Toinette] Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. DIAFOIRUS Ha, ha. You must excuse my son. He's been so preoccupied with his practice lately, that people all start to look alike--- THOMAS ---With their clothes on. MADELEINE Ummmmm: So this is the son of Doctor Diafoirus. [To Thomas] Your speciality wouldn't happen to by Gynecology? ARGAN [Quickly to Diafoirus] My sister just means...ah...[Quickly to Toinette] Fetch my daughter...quickly! TOINETTE You wouldn't want to disturb her music lesson, would you? ARGAN Tell her...[Suddenly]...that she's going to entertain her fiance. MADELEINE I'm sure we could handle that chore until she's done. ARGAN Now, Toinette! [Toinette exits.] TOINETTE [As she exits] Fetch, fetch, fetch. What am I, a cocker spaniel? DIAFOIRUS Monsieur Argan: I am glad our two families will be joined together. And with all due respect to your daughter, let me say, and I think you'll agree, you're getting the better end of the deal. Of course, he hasn't always been the perfect son. THOMAS Oh, daddy. DIAFOIRUS There were times when he was a little rebellious. When he first went to medical school, this little scamp would leave his homework lying everywhere: Innumerable body parts scattered all over the house. Why, he'd even stay up past bedtime just to read his anatomy books. THOMAS I loved the fold out pages. MADELEINE Perhaps you'd care to share one with me: I've always had an interest in anatomy. DIAFOIRUS Monsieur Argan: We are both lucky men. You will have a doctor in your house, but I.... [Singing] All these years alone, No one to share my work with me. But since my son is grown, He'll be there to smirk with me. I can see him now in the right position, As my perfect, associate physician. On Monday mornings we will practice up on some state enforced vasectomies, And in the afternoon we'll do a dozen appendectomies. While sometimes we will try our hands at nasal irriga-ation. THOMAS And don't forget our lectures on the art of mastica-ation. ARGAN [Speaking] That was a mouthful. DIAFOIRUS [Singing] Tuesdays we will keep reserved for sessions proctological. As well as trying shock treatments on all thing neurological. THOMAS But once a month upon this day we'll give our time to charity. DIAFOIRUS For which our income bracket gets some tax deductive therapy. DIAFOIRUS and THOMAS Arm in Arm, together, We will diagnose all pestilence and rare afflictions. Arm in arm, like soldiers, Fighting broken bones and new syndromes And not to mention rare infections. Arm in arm, we'll stop diseases, Rule out wheezes, Ward off sneezes. We'll treat then despite a patient's fear or rare objections. DIAFOIRUS Very rare objections. Wednesdays we will only do examinations half a day. THOMAS The AMA requires us, this afternoon to laugh away. DIAFOIRUS Our ethics make us all relax by playing games like golf a lot. [Argan has a mild coughing spell.] DIAFOIRUS and THOMAS Except when certain ingrates just insist they've got to cough a lot! DIAFOIRUS And then on Thursdays we'll start at our private sanitarium. THOMAS We'll cure those invalids with pills, and en'mas made of barium. DIAFOIRUS Their health'll be reviewed and they'll get honest and point-blank accounts. THOMAS Of course, our bedside manner's in proportion to their bank accounts. THOMAS and DIAFOIRUS Arm in arm, together, We will diagnose all pestilence and rare afflictions. Arm in arm, like soldiers, Fighting broken bones and new syndromes, And not to mention rare infections. Arm in arm, we'll stop diseases, Rule out wheezes, Ward off sneezes We'll treat them despite a patient's fear or rare objections. DIAFOIRUS Very rare objections. Fridays, though together, we will work quite independently.... THOMAS We'll compliment each other's skills and talents quite resplendantly. DIAFOIRUS For instants, I'll do everything a patient would expect of me. THOMAS While I'll continue to perfect my rectal tonsillectomy! MADELEINE [Speaking] Leave it to a doctor to do things the difficult way. DIAFOIRUS [Singing] On weekends, we will spend our time at seminars quite medical... THOMAS Or reading up on new techniques that sill are theoretical. DIAFOIRUS Of course, we'll be available when patients call with urgency. DIAFOIRUS and THOMAS And gladly charge them triple for a weekendish emergency. Arm in arm, together, We will diagnose all pestilence and rare afflictions. Arm in arm, like soldiers, Fighting broken bones and news syndromes And not to mention rare infections. Arm in arm, we'll stop diseases, Rule out wheezes, Ward off sneezes. We'll treat them despite patient's fear or rare objections. DIAFOIRUS Very rare objections. DIAFOIRUS and THOMAS Achoo! ARGAN [Speaking] Bravo, doctors, bravo.. DIAFOIRUS Thomas: Take Monsieur's pulse. THOMAS I missed that day in medical school. [Diafoirus tries to force Thomas to take argan's wrist, but during the wrangling between father and son, Thomas ends up taking his father's wrist instead.] DIAFOIRUS What do you think? THOMAS Tch, tch, tch, tch: Monsieur Argan has the pulse of a very sick man. ARGAN [Happily] What a genius? [Suddenly becoming ill] Ahhhhh! DIAFOIRUS That's my boy!! THOMAS Eyes: Tired looking and slightly bloodshot. ARGAN Ahhhhhhh! DIAFOIRUS Astute! That's what he is: Asssss-tute! THOMAS Skin: Sallow and yucky to the touch. Open your mouth; stick out your tongue. [Argan sticks out of his tongue. Thomas grimaces in disgust.] Hmmmm! Well that tongue tells me everything. Your have an impacted diaphamus in your spleen. ARGAN Ahhhhhhhhh! DIAFOIRUS Yes! Yes! ARGAN [To Madleine] Did you hear how quickly he diagnosed my impacted diaphamus---ahhhhhhhhhhh! DIAFOIRUS He's a marvel! MADELEINE Well, to watch him work is marvelous, but Argan, you told me, Doctor Diafoirus diagnosed your problem as herniated liver tissue? DIAFOIRUS Well...the liver and the spleen are snuggled up so close together in the body that trouble with one is often--- THOMAS Trouble for the other. ARGAN How dare you question a doctor! DIAFOIRUS What does it matter, anyway, whether it's Monsieur's sleen or liver? My son will be on hand to deal with both of those.... THOMAS Pesky organs! MADELEINE [Smiling at Thomas]Well, personally, I'm only interested in one pesky organ. [Beline enters.] BELINE Oh, here you are, my beloved. ARGAN My darling. BELINE My sweet. ARGAN The rosebud of my life. BELINE The thorn in my side. THOMAS Is she another sister or another maid? ARGAN [Exasperated] This is my wife! THOMAS Oh. [Shrugging his shoulders; rotely] Madame: As future mother-in-law---- [Doctor Diafoirus leaps forward, pushing Thomas out of the way. He takes Beline's hand, and kisses it.] DIAFOIRUS [Quickly] Madame: I am Doctor Diafoirus. BELINE Oh? I am extremely pleased to meet the man who keeps my dear husband living so much longer than he would, otherwise. ARGAN Guess what, my love? They've found out what my problem really is. BELINE It took two of them to discover that? DIAFOIRUS And with any luck, my son and I will keep your husband alive for another twenty years. BELINE I can't tell you how that makes me feel. MADELEINE I can just imagine. THOMAS [Tugging at Diafoirus's sleeve] When do I get to meet the girl? ARGAN Where is Toinette? I sent her to fetch my daughter. [Argan crosses to the door.] Ting-a-ling-a-ling! Toinette! Ting-a-ling-a-ling! TOINETTE [Offstage] Coming. [Toinette enters with Angelique, Cleante and the Zannies.] ARGAN Ahh! Now, Thomas: This is my daughter. THOMAS [With a leer] Oh? Nice. [Suggestively] How do you do. ANGELIQUE [With a half-hearted curtsy] Fine...or I was. ARGAN And this is her music teacher, Monsieur Cleante...and his...whatevers. ZANNIES Hi! BELINE [To Cleante] You know, I've been thinking of taking a few lessons...music lessons, that is. THOMAS [Barely removing his eyes from Angelique] Hm. [To Angelique; with extreme, lusty feeling] Mademoiselle: [Taking her hand] I feel a genuine thrill from your radiant beauty, and...oh, forget it. [Kissing her hand] Let's go play hide the stethoscope. DIAFOIRUS Don't you have something to tell this young woman? THOMAS My bust of Hippocrates is nothing compared with your---- ANGELIQUE [Quickly] Papa? DIAFOIRUS What I meant, Thomas, was, don't you have something for the young woman? THOMAS Oh. Yeah. Let me whip it out. [Everyone gasps, except Madeleine who leans in for a better look, and Argan who is oblivious.] DIAFOIRUS Thomas! [Thomas quickly pulls out a scroll from his coat.] THOMAS [To Angelique] I've recently written my thesis--a profound attack on the shallow theory that the blood circulates from the heart-- and I would like to present it to you, along with these diagrams. Think of this heart as my heart on paper...for you. ANGELIQUE Thank you, but a heart on paper isn't very romantic. THOMAS [Winking] But you know what they say about doctors with a big thesis. [Toinette unrolls the diagram.] TOINETTE [Shocked] Ah! I've never seen so much of a man in my entire life! MADELEINE Naked? TOINETTE He doesn't even have any skin on! THOMAS [To Angelique] Would you care to be my guest at the hospital next week, for a free breast exam. MADELEINE Obviously this young doctor needs someone to be his bosom buddy. ARGAN [To Angelique] Well: What do you say? Not many young girls get an offer like that. ANGELIQUE Some other time. ARGAN Angelique! ANGELIQUE Papa: I don't want this little letcher fondling my---- ARGAN Why don't you sing for Thomas? ANGELIQUE I don't feel like singing. ARGAN Angelique---- BELINE Obstinate little thing, isn't she? MADELEINE [Aside to Beline] If she doesn't feel like singing to this attractive, but sorrowfully dim-witted hunk, then we should simply accept it. After all, if we can accept you, we can accept anything. THOMAS Won't you sing your little heart out for me? If you do, I'll give you a nice lollipop...until we're alone that is. ANGELIQUE I really don't feel---- CLEANTE Mademoiselle is only feeling bashful. ARGAN Would you see what you can do? CLEANTE Happily. I'm sure she'd love to sing for her lover. ANGELIQUE I would, but---- CLEANTE [To Angelique] Now, see here, Mademoiselle: When a beautiful young girl is lucky enough to have such a charming suitor, it is her duty to please him every chance she gets. ANGELIQUE But---- CLEANTE And I have just the piece for you to sing. [To Argan] With your permission, the mademoiselle and I would like to share with you...[To all, but with a special nod to Thomas]...all of you...a little duet---- ANGELIQUE Cleante, we can't---- CLEANTE ----A little duet from my pastoral opera--The Deceived Father--- entitled, "The Lass, the Lover and the Lout." And just to make it seem more real, perhaps one of you will consent to playing the non-singing role of "the lout." Just to give us something to focus on. [To Thomas] How about you? THOMAS I don't like opera. CLEANTE Perfect! Neither does the lout...in the opera, that is. [Calling offstage] Gentlemen and ladies? [The Zannies pull out their toy instruments.] ARGAN [Dubiously] You may proceed. CLEANTE In this duet, a gallant young man--I'll sing that part--has come to see his beloved, a shepherdess--you, Madmoiselle, will sing that part. They meet just after both of them are confronted by the young man's ridiculous rival! [Cleante hands Angelique a sheet of music.] Your part, Mademoiselle. ANGELIQUE Thank you, Monsieur. CLEANTE [Singing] Oh, shepherdess upon your hill of heather, You tenderly tending to your sheep. I've vainly dreamt that we might be together, But thinking of you with [Pointing at Thomas] him I weep, So... Darling, forget this stupid lout. You needn't have a doubt. You won't wed him. This oversexed moron is a natural creep. Just let him sleep, With all your sheep And goats! ANGELIQUE But papa is very near. CLEANTE Oh, yes, so very near. ANGELIQUE It looks so grim. CLEANTE So, running away with me's a natural path. ANGELIQUE But papa's wrath---- CLEANTE Don't have a calf, dear. Darling, inspite of your foolish old father's blind tyranny. CLEANTE and ANGELIQUE We'll stay in close harmony. [Argan grabs the sheet of music away from Angelique.] ARGAN [Speaking] Let me see that. Huh? There are no words on this music; there's nothing but the music. CLEANTE It's a new way to write lyrics. It's called...blank verse. BELINE It didn't sound very blank to me. [Cleante grabs music back; the music continues, and Cleante chases Angelique around the room.] CLEANTE and ANGELIQUE [Singing] La, la, la, la, la, la, la, etc. ARGAN [Spoking] What are they doing? COLUMBINE Monsieur: This is the caccia or canon. It's where one voice chases after another until the first catches up.... SCARAMOUCHE Or the second one surrenders her notes. CLEANTE and ANGELIQUE [Singing] Darling, in spite of your [my] foolish old father's blind tyranny, We'll stay in close harmony. [Cleante catches Angelique and starts to kiss her; Argan interrupts them before the kiss is consumated.] ARGAN [Speaking] Enough opera! CLEANTE Pardon me, Monsieur: I got carried away. DIAFOIRUS Perhaps these musicians would play some more. My son is a superb dancer. THOMAS There are those who say I have natural rhythm. TOINETTE [Aside to Madeleine] Too bad his mother didn't. ARGAN [To Cleante] Have your musician friends play something. Angelique: Dance with the young man. ANGELIQUE I...don't know how to dance. ARGAN Dance with him. [The Zanies play. Angelique reluctantly dances with Thomas.] BELINE Ah. To dance...[With a look at Argan]...without any cares. ARGAN Hmmmmm? It doesn't look too strenuous. [Offering his hand to Beline] Perhaps---- DIAFOIRUS You're much too ill! And as your devoted doctor it's my duty to act as a substitute in order prevent you from making yourself any sicker! ARGAN But---- BELINE You're such a devoted doctor. I can only imagine your bedside manner. [Beline dances with Diafoirus.] ARGAN But...but...but.... MADELEINE Good music shouldn't be wasted. CLEANTE I agree. [Cleante and Madeleine dance.] THOMAS You dance nicely, Mademoiselle. ANGELIQUE Thank you, Monsieur. THOMAS You're also have a nice larynx. ANGELIQUE Thank you, Monsieur. THOMAS And you have a great pair of...tibias. ANGELIQUE Thank you, Monsieur. THOMAS Your epidermis is supple and soft. You're not double jointed, by any chance? ANGELIQUE No, Monsieur. THOMAS Too bad. Your breathing has such a healthy rhythm: I love the way your chest goes up and down, up and down, up and down---- ANGELIQUE Thank you, Monsieur. THOMAS I'll bet you'd look great in one of those backless hospital gowns. ANGELIQUE What?! [Angelique pulls away from Thomas.] THOMAS [Sotto voce] And when we're alone, I have this instructional video called, Leather Cycle Nurses in Bondage, that'll change our lives. [Angelique slaps Thomas.] ANGELIQUE Drop dead, you disgusting little pervert. THOMAS What did I say? Daddy? ANGELIQUE [To Argan] Did you hear him? MADELEINE [To Thomas] Do you think you might be able to find an extra copy of that video? ANGELIQUE Papa! DIAFOIRUS Monsieur Argan: Your daughter---- ARGAN Ignore her. I do. BELINE Darling: Let a convent teach her obedience! MADELEINE He ought to let a convent teach you charity and chastity. BELINE Oh! Why you bitch---- MADELEINE [To Argan] Just because [Looking at Beline] some people look at marriage as a way to turn a profit, doesn't mean that you have to sell your daughter for a cure---- BELINE You insulting---- [Quickly Turning to Argan] Say something! ARGAN This bickering's giving me a headache. DIAFOIRUS Thomas? [Doctor Diafoirus and Thomas rush to Argan. They begin popping pills into Argan's eager mouth.] BELINE I won't stand here and be insulted. [Beline exits.] ANGELIQUE Papa, please: You can't expect me---- ARGAN [With a mouth full of pills, spitting a few of them out as he speaks] I expect you to obey my orders or take on some holy ones! ANGELIQUE What happened to the papa I used to know? [Angelique exits, crying.] ARGAN Angelique! Angelique: Come back here. CLEANTE I'll get her. [Cleante exits.] ARGAN She doesn't need a music lesson. MADELEINE This young man may be right for someone, but he's wrong for---- ARGAN [To Diafoirus] Oh! Children are such a vexation! MADELEINE [Glaring at Argan] They certainly are. [Madeleine exits.] DIAFOIRUS I know you'll take care of your daughter.... THOMAS So that we can take good care of you. ARGAN Messieurs: My daughter's just a little nervous. I promise that my daughter will marry young Thomas, cross my heart and hope to-- ---- [Diafoirus shoves a thermometer into Argan's mouth.] DIAFOIRUS My dear, Monsieur Argan, don't give it another thought. THOMAS After all, as doctors we have lots of patience. [Father and son laugh and slap Argan on the back. Argan spits out the thermometer.] ARGAN Ulp! DIAFOIRUS [Singing] So, week to week... THOMAS And year to year... DIAFOIRUS and THOMAS We'll share this dream, delectable. DIAFOIRUS By working at our special art... THOMAS And acting quite respectable. DIAFOIRUS But we will aim at seeing that all our patients are the healthiest. All this is for the public's good... THOMAS And making us the wealthiest! [Diafoirus and Thomas exit. Toinette and Madeleine stand apart, conspiring.] ARGAN [Speaking] There he goes: My "doctor in the house!" [The lights go down.]