Four Rooms of Ecstasy a play in one act by Anthony Boyer December 7, 1997 copyright (c) 1997 Anthony Boyer 59 Swallow Drive, Dayton, OH 45415. (937) 278-2258 All rights reserved. CHARACTERS BENNY, in his mid-twenties. LISA, slightly younger than Benny. JOANNA, roughly the same age as Lisa. MAMA, Joanna and Benny's mother. VOICES, telephone operator and Benny and Joanna's grandfather. TIME Present day. About 8:00 P.M. SETTING Benny's apartment: a run-down affair with peeling wallpaper and wooden floors. The action takes place in the living room, with doors leading offstage into the kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom. (AT RISE: BENNY and LISA enter the apartment. LISA is dressed in a gorgeous black evening gown, in stark contrast to BENNY'S casual wear - shorts and t shirt.) BENNY Oh my god, can you believe this? I can't believe this! LISA It's unbelievable! BENNY Damn straight it is! LISA What exactly are we talking about, Benny? BENNY You mean you don't notice anything unusual about my apartment? LISA I don't know, I've never been to your apartment before. BENNY Well, what say we just compare it to the average apartment, then. Do you think it somehow differs from the average apartment? LISA Well, yes. BENNY And tell me. Just how would you say it differs? LISA Well, it looks a little bigger than most, but – BENNY But it's not bigger! That's just it, it's not any bigger at all! In fact, it's small. It's tiny. Minute! It's whatever the hell is the opposite of big, that's what it is. LISA No, Benny, really I think you're wrong. It looks wide open to me. BENNY Of course it looks wide open. It's empty! My house is empty - no furniture. Can you see there's no furniture? Look around, do you see any furniture? LISA Benny, this is the oddest first date I've ever – BENNY There will be time for discussion later! Now you must look. Do you see any furniture, I ask? Go ahead, look around! LISA I'm looking. BENNY And? LISA And you're right. I don't see any furniture. BENNY And do you know why you don't see any furniture? LISA I have no idea. BENNY Because there isn't any! I mean, there was some, but now there isn't any. In fact, it used to look downright cramped in here. But now it's all gone, and the place looks huge. Wide open. Spacious. Are you getting any of this? LISA I think so. You're saying that you had furniture, and your place looked small. BENNY Cramped. LISA Right, cramped. But now all the stuff's gone, and so it's not so cramped at all. BENNY Exactly. It's spacious. LISA Spacious. BENNY That's right. So you do see. LISA No. BENNY You don't see? LISA No. BENNY No? What is no? LISA No, I don't see. I mean, yes, I see that the room is... open – BENNY Spacious. LISA Yes, that I can see. But... where's your stuff? BENNY That would seem to be the question of the hour, wouldn't it? LISA I mean, stuff doesn't just get up and leave. BENNY One wouldn't think so. That would be awfully inconsiderate of stuff, now, wouldn't it? LISA Yes, it would. That's why it doesn't do it. At least, not normal stuff. BENNY Normal. LISA Like my stuff, for instance. It just, well, sort of stays there. BENNY Your stuff just stays? LISA Where I put it. BENNY But not mine. LISA Seemingly not. BENNY Meaning my stuff isn't normal? LISA Or maybe... BENNY You have an idea? LISA Maybe someone took it. BENNY Took it. LISA Your stuff. BENNY Someone took my stuff? God damn it! LISA I'm not saying someone did, mind you. Just that it's a possibility. BENNY Someone may have taken my stuff. LISA That's right. But who would do a thing like that? BENNY Grandpa. LISA I'm sorry, what? BENNY Grandpa! I bet he took my stuff! LISA You think your grandpa took your furniture? BENNY The dirty old shit, sure he took it. LISA But why? BENNY To sell it. LISA Sell it? BENNY Of course, it's all so perfect. To feed his addiction. See, Grandpa's hooked on petroleum-based clothing products. LISA Really? BENNY Yeah, you know, rubber and latex and shit? Can't get enough of them. It's like his crack or Geritol or something, you know? Anyway, so he pawns off all of his stuff so he can buy more outfits. Suits, underwear, jumpers, all that shit. Only then he runs out of stuff to pawn off. LISA And so you think he stole yours? BENNY Stole my what? LISA Your furniture. Do you think your grandpa stole it? BENNY Now let's not go pointing fingers, Senator McCarthy! You don't even know my grandpa! We don't know for sure it was him. LISA Of course not. BENNY Of course not. If only there was some way we could find out. LISA Couldn't you go to his house? BENNY No, we'd never find him there. Let's just finish our date and then worry about it, shall we? LISA Finish our date? BENNY I was thinking we could head out to the Lusty Lanes on forty-third. LISA The Lusty Lanes? Benny, I've never had a guy propose to take me to a motel before. At least, not on the first date. BENNY No? Well, some guys have no sense of romance. LISA Romance? How is that flea-infested, run-down dirty motel with a red light over the door romantic? BENNY Mood lighting. I forgot to mention, you look really nice tonight. LISA I do? BENNY Yes. That dress, it really brings out the color in your... teeth. LISA My teeth. BENNY They look fabulous tonight. The way the light catches the lipstick on them. LISA You just want to take me to the Lusty Lanes to sleep with me, don't you? BENNY Of course not! LISA You don't? BENNY No way. Sleeping takes way too long, and that place charges by the hour. I figure by the time we're done, I'll owe them close to the five bucks I have left after dinner. LISA That's another thing I wanted to say to you, Benny. About dinner... BENNY You didn't like it? LISA It's not that. It's just that, well, when you told me we were going to a nice little Scottish restaurant, I didn't think you meant McDonald's. BENNY You mean you've eaten there before? LISA Of course I've eaten there before, Benny. It's McDonald's! BENNY I'm really sorry. My friend said it was a good place. It came highly recommended, I swear! Besides, I thought you said you liked it. LISA I did like it, Benny. I've just never been to a McDonald's that served Matzoh Ball soup. BENNY You heard the girl at the counter; they didn't serve haggis. LISA I didn't want haggis! BENNY Lisa, I get the strange feeling that something's wrong. LISA Nothing's wrong. Look, I just need to use the bathroom. BENNY The bathroom. Oh. Well, you can't. LISA And why not? BENNY Because... there isn't one. LISA Of course there is. It's right there behind you. BENNY This? No, this is a closet. LISA That's ridiculous! Move out of the way so I can get in. BENNY No! It's a closet. LISA If it's a closet, then open it. BENNY I can't, it's locked. LISA Then unlock it. BENNY I lost the key. Surfing. In Maui. LISA You've been to Maui? BENNY Of course I've been to Maui. Twenty-seven times. LISA Then where is it? BENNY Where is what? LISA Maui! You're the expert on Maui; where is it? BENNY You mean you don't know where Maui is? LISA Yes, I know where it is. Point being that you don't know where it is. BENNY Right, nice trick. I tell you and then you know, and soon everybody knows. LISA Everybody except you. BENNY I know where Maui is. LISA Then where is it? BENNY (thinks hard, then gives up) All right, fine! It is a bathroom. But you still can't use it. LISA And why not? BENNY (thinks) It's broken. LISA Broken. BENNY The toilet. LISA Your toilet is broken? BENNY That's right. LISA Then let me use the other bathroom. BENNY The other bathroom? There is no other bathroom. LISA You're telling me that your only toilet is broken? BENNY That's right. But I'm sure the Lusty Lanes bathroom works just fine. LISA I'm not going to Lusty Lanes! How is it that you live in this spacious apartment – BENNY It's usually cramped. LISA And you only have use of one bathroom? BENNY Yes. LISA But it's broken. BENNY That's right. LISA Then where do you use the bathroom? BENNY Lusty Lanes. LISA You drive fifteen minutes to use the bathroom at a truck stop's one-hour insemination clinic? BENNY Thirteen and a half, tops. LISA I'm going to the bathroom, Benny. BENNY No, you can't! (LISA tries to go to the side of BENNY, but he moves into her way. LISA tries the other side, but BENNY blocks her again. LISA fakes to one side, which BENNY blocks off, and then SHE goes to the other side, getting past BENNY and reaching the bathroom door. LISA opens the door and screams. JOANNA, offstage in the bathroom, screams, and LISA screams again and slams the door shut.) BENNY What? LISA You know damn well what. Who's in there? BENNY In where? LISA In your bathroom. Who's in there? BENNY Nobody. LISA Nobody? You're telling me I didn't just see a half-naked woman in your bathroom? BENNY Of course not. Why would there be a half-naked woman in my bathroom? (Enter JOANNA from the bathroom, wearing a very revealing negligee) JOANNA I'm really sorry, Benny, have you already started? I didn't hear the signal. LISA The signal? Benny, who is this? JOANNA I don't know, I've never seen her before in my life. LISA She knew your name. BENNY She must be a psychic. LISA Here? BENNY On a house call. LISA She's wearing next to nothing. BENNY I don't know; maybe clothes inhibit her spirituality! LISA There was a half-naked woman in your bathroom! JOANNA My name's Joanna. I'm your third. LISA My third what? JOANNA Your stand-in. BENNY She's nuts, Lisa. Crazy. Loco. She doesn't know what she's saying. JOANNA I do so. BENNY No, she doesn't. (leading JOANNA to the bedroom) Here, dear sweet thing. Why don't you go use your psychic powers in the bedroom? JOANNA I don't understand, Benny, you act like you don't know me. BENNY I don't know you! JOANNA But you said I was your first. BENNY (under his breath) No, baby, no. Merely the most recent. LISA What the hell is going on here? BENNY (opening the bedroom door) Here, psychic lady. Why don't you just go in here and we'll be joining you in a... (notices the inside of the bedroom) Oh my God. LISA Did you honestly think you'd take me Putt-Putting, buy me a McMatzoh, and bring me here back here to have a menage a trois with Bambi the love poodle and you? BENNY (still staring in shock into the bedroom) Not now, Lisa. LISA Yes, now! JOANNA What's wrong, Benny? What is it? BENNY Joanna, honey, go back into the bathroom and get dressed. (JOANNA does so) LISA Benny, I want answers! BENNY Come here. Look in my bedroom. LISA No, I'm not falling for that old trick again. BENNY Just come here and look! LISA All right, already. (crosses to the bedroom and looks in) BENNY Do you see? LISA See what? BENNY Anything. LISA I see a bedroom. BENNY Is that all? LISA Yes, it is. BENNY And how do you know it's a bedroom? LISA You told me so. BENNY But other than that? LISA That's the only way, really. BENNY And you don't think that it's different as far as bedrooms go? LISA It's different, all right. BENNY And tell me how. How is it different? LISA How? BENNY That's right. How is this bedroom different from any other bedroom? LISA I can't put my finger on it, really. BENNY Go ahead. Try. LISA I don't know, really. BENNY You don't think there's anything missing from my bedroom? LISA Missing? No, it looks pretty normal. BENNY Normal, yes. But wouldn't you say that it's missing a rather key element for a bedroom? LISA Like what? BENNY Like a bed! Where's my bed? LISA I thought you said your grandpa took all your furniture. BENNY But my bed! LISA Let it go, Benny. You'll get it all back. BENNY Let it go? Let it go!? That's my bed, Lisa. My bed. I don't forget my bed. They have my bed of all things! And you know what's worse? I bet they tore the tag off of it, damn it! Do you know what that means, Lisa? That's a crime. A federal offense. I'm going to prison for that, Lisa, to prison. Some big mean man is going to make me his love doll, and all because they tore off that damned mattress tag. That's illegal, Lisa. It says so right on the tag. Why would they tear that off? What am I going to do when the mattress inspector comes to check it? And he will come, Lisa. He always comes. What am I going to say? He's not going to believe me when I tell him that my eighty-year-old grandfather came and stole it to pawn it off and buy himself a new latex wife beater to feed his addiction for petroleum-based clothing products. I'll say that to him, Lisa, and he'll buy it. He'll believe it to be all one big funny coincidence. I'll be the luckiest man in the world. For about two point seven seconds. And then his brain will kick in, Lisa. Something will tell him that something in that story doesn't sound normal. Something just isn't right. Can't you see that? He's not going to believe me, and I'm going to prison because that damn old shit took my bed. There are things I'll forget in life, sure. My first step, my third-grade girlfriend, my mother, my name. But I will never, ever forget my bed. Do you know how I got that bed? It was in my grandma's will. When she died, the furniture all went to her grandson. That's me, Lisa. Not some pawn shop owner. He's not her grandson. I'm her grandson. It's my furniture! My bed. That's my bed! My life. My love. My dreams! My bed, Lisa. My bed. (BENNY runs into the bedroom crying and slams the door shut. Enter JOANNA) JOANNA Doesn't Benny's apartment look... wide open today? LISA Spacious. JOANNA Usually it's so... so... LISA Cramped. JOANNA You've been here before? LISA No. JOANNA It's getting late. Are we going to Lusty Lanes or no? LISA No. JOANNA But Benny has reservations. We were all supposed to go. LISA Reservations? At a truck stop? JOANNA It's a very exclusive truck stop. LISA Just how long has he been planning this? JOANNA Maybe a week. Where is Benny, anyway? LISA In the bedroom crying. JOANNA Crying? Why? LISA Someone took his bed. JOANNA Someone took his bed? LISA With the rest of his furniture. JOANNA His furniture's gone? LISA That's why it's so spacious. JOANNA Grandpa must have taken it. LISA I beg your pardon? JOANNA Our grandpa. He's addicted to – LISA Whose grandpa? JOANNA Ours. Mine and Benny's. He's addicted to – LISA I know what he's addicted to. Are you trying to tell me you're his... you and Benny are - JOANNA He didn't tell you. (BENNY enters. He has stopped crying) LISA That shit! BENNY Hey, watch what you say to my sister. LISA Please take me home. BENNY I can't. LISA And why can't you? BENNY The chain fell off my bike. Won't be able to fix it until tomorrow morning. LISA Then how were we going to get to the motel? BENNY We're going? LISA No. Just for example, had we gone. BENNY We would have walked. LISA Fine, then I'll just walk home. BENNY Please, don't. Stay. LISA Please don't stay? Fine, I won't. BENNY No, really. I'm sorry. LISA (suddenly changing her tone) You're sorry? BENNY That's right, I'm sorry. Come on, I really need someone here with me right now. I'm feeling very venereal. LISA Vulnerable. BENNY That's what I said. LISA You said venereal. BENNY No, I didn't. LISA Yes, you did. BENNY Don't you think I know what I said? LISA Apparently not! BENNY All right, then, I'm feeling very vulnerable! LISA Are you really? BENNY Absolutely. LISA If you need someone, Benny, I'm here. BENNY Thank you. LISA But we're not sleeping together. BENNY Just stay with me and help me find my furniture. JOANNA Benny, I'm going to bed. BENNY All right, Jo. Why don't you just sleep in my room? JOANNA Do I get a good night kiss? BENNY Of course. (JOANNA and BENNY kiss passionately as LISA looks on, horrified. JOANNA exits into the bedroom.) LISA What was that? BENNY We're a close family. Listen, I'm going to make some phone calls, call some people. I'll get to the bottom of this. Would you like something to drink? LISA Very much so. BENNY What's your poison? LISA Today? Vodka. Straight. BENNY Vodka it is. (BENNY exits into the kitchen. LISA begins looking around, picks up a framed picture and drops it, breaking it. Frantically, she sweeps it under a floor rug just before BENNY enters) BENNY Here. (pours LISA a shot of vodka) LISA Just leave the bottle. (takes the bottle and drinks straight from it) Thanks. BENNY (shaken by this display) I'll, uh, I'll just be... in the bedroom. LISA Isn't Joanna in there? BENNY Yes. (thinks a moment) But... that's where the phone is. I have to make some calls. LISA Oh. Do you mind if I use your restroom? BENNY Not at all. LISA You sure it works? BENNY Of course. (BENNY exits into the bedroom, LISA into the bathroom. MAMA enters.) MAMA Benny? Benny, you home? Guess the little fucker's not home. My own son ignores me like the plague, what a damned shame. It's no wonder his grandpa hates him so. Weird little child. It's so spacious in here today. Wide open. MAMA (cont.) (notices the vodka bottle) What's this? A little party? Probably passed out in his bed. (goes to the bedroom door and knocks) Benny? Benny, get out here this instant! BENNY (entering from the bedroom, tucking his shirt into his pants) Mama! What a surprise! MAMA Benny, what were you doing in there? (JOANNA enters from the bedroom. Her shirt buttons are in the wrong holes.) Oh. BENNY No, Mama, we were just... I was just... JOANNA Showing me his record collection, Mama. BENNY My vinyls. JOANNA Long plays. MAMA Your record collection. BENNY That's right. MAMA And tell me, Joanna. Which was your favorite? JOANNA My favorite? MAMA Album. Which of Benny's albums was your favorite? JOANNA Oh, of the albums. BENNY That we were listening to. JOANNA Right. I don't know... MAMA Surely you had a favorite album. JOANNA Oh, they were all so good, though, Mama. I guess I'd have to say... MAMA Out with it. You were listening to albums, weren't you? BENNY Of course, Mama. MAMA So which was your favorite? JOANNA (grasping at straws) Guy Lombardo Sings the Blues. BENNY Guy Lombardo Sings the Blues? JOANNA Yes. Yes. Guy Lombardo... Sings the Blues. BENNY (in amazement) I didn't even know I had Guy Lombardo Sings the Blues. JOANNA Oh, you've got it, all right. MAMA I love Guy Lombardo! Do you mind if I listen to it, Benny? BENNY Oh, no, I honestly don't think I could play that record one more time. MAMA Not even for your own mother? BENNY Especially not for you. Really, I'm exhausted. MAMA What does that have to do with a record? BENNY Listening to Guy Lombardo wears me out. JOANNA I could see why. You really get into it. BENNY (modestly) I do what I can. MAMA I haven't heard Guy Lombardo in a long time, Benny. And your recording is the best. BENNY Oh, I don't know. There's a lot of recordings of Guy Lombardo out there. JOANNA (whispering) What is Mama's problem? BENNY (whispering back) She's jealous. Wants me for herself. MAMA Benny, I have to use the restroom. BENNY The restroom? Oh, Mama, you can't. MAMA And why not? BENNY Because Joanna needs to use it. JOANNA I do? BENNY Yes. Don't you remember? You were just telling me you needed to use it. JOANNA I was? Oh, no, Benny, I don't have to... BENNY No, don't be like that. Use the restroom. JOANNA But I don't – BENNY GO! (pushes JOANNA into the restroom, closing it quickly before MAMA can look in) MAMA Is there something wrong, Benny? BENNY No, Mama. Nothing at all. MAMA Is there anything to eat in this house? I'm starved. BENNY Sure, help yourself. MAMA (after crossing to the kitchen) Benny? Come look at this. BENNY (crosses to the kitchen) Come look at what? (MAMA opens the door and BENNY looks in) Oh. Come look at this. God damn it! MAMA Where's your kitchen? BENNY It was here five minutes ago! MAMA Well, now it's gone. BENNY Very fucking profound, Mama. MAMA But how could your kitchen be gone? Someone doesn't just walk off with a kitchen. BENNY Apparently someone does. MAMA But that's impossible! BENNY Why? Someone walked off with my bed. MAMA But a kitchen? Benny, that's a whole room. BENNY I'm aware of what a kitchen is! MAMA Don't raise your voice at me; I'm your mother! BENNY Look. I came home today expecting a human love ritual at the Lusty Lanes, and I end up with no furniture, no bed, and now no fucking kitchen! Every day of my whole life, I've come home to a house with a bathroom, a bedroom, a living room, and a kitchen. These four rooms have been present my whole fucking life. And now my home is without a kitchen, no bed in the bedroom, and no furniture to make the living room liveable. And what's more, I'm going to a federal penitentiary for a crime that was committed, unbeknownst to me, by a corrupt pawn shop owner. Do you know what they do to guys like me in prison? Do you know what the hard water must do to your hair? My whole world is crumbling, and my whole sense of identity is gone. I am that bed, Mama, and that bed is me. I've lived in this apartment since I was in college. I got my degree by mail and just kept living here against Sally Struthers' advice. And do you know why? Because I loved this place. It had all four rooms I needed. It was four fucking rooms of ecstasy to me, and now one of the rooms is missing and two of the remaining three are empty! So I beg your pardon if I seem a bit snippy at the moment, but I think I have every right to be! MAMA A love ritual with whom? BENNY I beg your pardon? MAMA You said you were expecting a love ritual. With whom? BENNY That's not really important, now, is it? MAMA Are you seeing other women? Benny, what have I been telling you since you were twelve? You're Mama's only, Benny. BENNY No, I haven't been seeing anyone else, I swear! MAMA You better not be. If I find out you've been screwing around behind my back, it's over! BENNY No, Mama. Look, I just need to be alone. With my living room. MAMA Fine. I know when it's time for me to leave. BENNY Surprised me. MAMA All right, I'll leave. Goodbye, Benny. I'll see you tomorrow. BENNY Tomorrow. Right. If you see Grandpa, tell him I'm looking for him. MAMA Sure thing, Benny. (MAMA exits. BENNY watches her go, waits a while, and runs to the bathroom door. LISA enters from the bathroom, zipping up her pants. JOANNA'S shirt is untucked.) LISA Oh, Benny! Hello. Didn't expect to see you so soon. BENNY So I can see. (MAMA enters. BENNY, in a frantic panic, tries to push LISA and JOANNA into the bathroom, but JOANNA is already halfway across the room. Trying to hide, BENNY runs into the bathroom himself. He slams the door shut, then opens it and pulls LISA inside by the arm just as MAMA enters, chatting away) MAMA Oh, Benny, I nearly forgot. (notices that it isn't BENNY) Oh. Joanna. JOANNA Hi, Mama. MAMA I was expecting Benjamin. JOANNA He's in the bathroom. MAMA Could you tell him please, when he gets out, that I have a message for him, and for him to call me? JOANNA Can't you just give me the message, Mama? MAMA Oh, I suppose I could do that. (pulls out a crumpled piece of paper) Here. JOANNA (taking the note) Thanks. I'll give it to him. MAMA Thank you. (MAMA exits. JOANNA pushes the note under the floor rug and sees the broken frame, which she picks up) JOANNA (examining the picture) What the hell? MAMA (popping her head back in the door) Oh, and – (JOANNA pushes MAMA outside, locks the door, then throws the picture back under the rug) JOANNA Doesn't that woman ever leave? Benny, you can come out now! (picks up the bottle of vodka and walks to the kitchen) Oh. Benny, did you know that your kitchen is missing? BENNY (offstage) What? Dammit, Jo, come open this door. JOANNA Why can't you open it, Benny? BENNY Can't. It's locked. LISA (offstage) Please, Joanna, let us out of here! JOANNA (crossing to the bathroom) What do you mean it's locked? BENNY How many possible meanings could that have? The door... do you know what a door is? JOANNA Yes, I know what a door is. BENNY Well, this particular one - the one between you and me - is locked. Meaning it won't open, because there's a mechanism inside that prevents the handle from turning, thereby avoiding costly mishaps like walking in on someone while they're in here performing rudimentary defecatory and hygienical procedures. JOANNA I know what the hell a locked door is, Benny, but I don't understand how this one could be locked. BENNY It can be locked just like any other fucking door! JOANNA I don't understand. What do you want me to do about it? LISA and BENNY Unlock it! JOANNA I can't. It locks from the inside. Only thing out here is a keyhole. (there is a long pause) Benny? Lisa? You guys alive? LISA You mean... we can't get out of here? JOANNA Won't it unlock from in there? LISA I tried, Joanna, really I did. Help me, please. JOANNA I can call a locksmith or something. LISA No, that'll take too long. Please, Joanna, get me out of here. BENNY It's really not so bad. Sort of... cozy. LISA Help! JOANNA I'll get a screwdriver. Just hold tight. (JOANNA runs to the kitchen) Damn! Benny, you need to do something about this missing kitchen. BENNY You think? JOANNA Where do you keep your screwdrivers? BENNY In the kitchen next to the empty milk bottles. LISA Help! JOANNA Well, your kitchen's gone. Don't you have any other screwdrivers? BENNY No, just the two in the kitchen. LISA For God's sakes, Joanna, do something! JOANNA (running into the bedroom) All right, I'm going! (exits from the bedroom with a large hacksaw) I don't want to know what this is doing in your bedroom, Benny. BENNY What do you have? JOANNA I... I'm not sure what you call it. BENNY Well, what does it look like? JOANNA (examining the hacksaw) It's long and metal. It has pointed teeth and a handle. BENNY Oh, that. That won't open the door, Joanna, the batteries are dead. JOANNA No, it's not that. It's one of those things that cuts wood. LISA A hacksaw? JOANNA Yes, that's it. Why do you have a hacksaw in your bedroom, Benny? BENNY It's useful when you lose the key. JOANNA You've lost keys before? BENNY Never to a door. JOANNA I'm coming in, damn it. (begins to saw at the door when MAMA enters) Mama! (tucks the saw behind her back) BENNY Mama? LISA Mama! MAMA You were expecting maybe Gladys Knight? JOANNA Perhaps a Pip. MAMA You didn't know I had a key, did you? All I had to do was go home and get it. What are you doing? JOANNA Me? Oh, nothing. MAMA What's behind your back? JOANNA Nothing. I'm not trying to hide anything. MAMA Is the little fucker still in the bathroom? JOANNA Yep, still in there. MAMA (knocking on the bathroom door) Everything all right in there? LISA Fine! MAMA You sure? You sound a little different. BENNY Fine, Mama. My voice was just cracking. MAMA I told you it'd happen sooner or later, Benny. Are you going to show me your first hair? BENNY (embarrassed) Mom... MAMA What? I'm proud of my boy. BENNY Mama, have you seen Grandpa? MAMA No, why? BENNY He has my furniture. MAMA Oh, does he? You sure he hasn't pawned it off? BENNY He better not have, the old fuck. If I find out my mattress tag is missing... MAMA I just came by to drop off your keys, honey. BENNY My keys? MAMA That's right. Don't you remember I was housesitting last week? I forgot to give you your bathroom key back. BENNY (disappointed) Oh. LISA Thank you! MAMA Oh, my boy's growing into a man. BENNY Just give the keys to Jo, Mama. Thanks. MAMA (handing JOANNA the keys) Here. JOANNA Thanks. Goodnight, Mama. MAMA Don't get all big tits with me, girl. JOANNA What are you talking about? MAMA Don't forget. I'm the one who showed you what those were good for in the first place. JOANNA I know. They were sore for a week. MAMA So don't you go thinking you're hot stuff now. JOANNA Mama, what are you talking about? MAMA Just wait. You'll get yours. (exits out the front door, leaving JOANNA in confusion) LISA Unlock this door! JOANNA Oh! (collects herself and unlocks the door. LISA tumbles out onto the floor and grabs JOANNA'S hand, kissing it) LISA Oh, thank you. Thank you. JOANNA Don't mention it. (the phone rings) BENNY I got it! (rushes out into the living room and answers the phone) Hello? Oh... really? Really? So you have my furniture? I knew it, Grandpa, I want it back... Lisa and Jo. Lisa. Yes, it's a girl. No. No. I said no! Okay, fine. (puts it on speaker phone) Said he wants it on speaker phone. VOICE OF GRANDPA So, you little poops missing your furniture? Well, it's in safe hands. Soon to be in a pawn shop, and I'll be kicking it in Maui with my new rubber bathing suit. BENNY I know where Maui is! VOICE OF GRANDPA Shut up, fool! I've been telling you not to talk since you were two years old and you refuse to listen! If you don't have anything intelligent to say, don't say anything at all. Which would pretty much make you a mute, Benjamin. BENNY I just want my bed. VOICE OF GRANDPA Your bed? Oh, it's right here, Benny. Right here with the tag. Snip! BENNY Noooooooooooooooooo!!!! VOICE OF GRANDPA All I did was say snip. If you think that hurt, wait until I do it for real. BENNY You leave that mattress tag alone. (dial tone) Hello? Hello? LISA I think he hung up, Benny. BENNY What makes you say that? VOICE ON PHONE If you wish to make a call, please hang up and dial again... (the phone makes a repeated beeping sound) BENNY Who the hell is that? Grandpa, who else is there? JOANNA (hanging up the phone) Don't worry, Benny. Grandpa's an ass, but he won't hurt your mattress. BENNY He hates me, Jo. You know that. He's hated me ever since he caught me and Grandma – JOANNA --Let's not talk about that right now, Benny. LISA You and Grandma? What were you doing? BENNY (dreamily) Guy Lombardo Sings the Blues. (stares into the distance, reminiscing for a second, then runs into the bedroom. We hear Guy Lombardo playing offstage through the bedroom door.) LISA What was that all about? JOANNA Benny needs his privacy right now. Perhaps we should call around. LISA Call around? JOANNA You know, on a phone. LISA What do you mean? JOANNA I mean call people. On the phone. You're aware of what a telephone is? LISA Yes, I know what a— JOANNA -- And you know what people are? LISA Of course, it's just – JOANNA -- And I'm assuming you know who we are. LISA Yes, yes, I just don't – JOANNA —Well, what say we just put the three of them together, then, shall we? (deliberately) We... (points to indicate LISA and herself) should call... (puts her hand up to her ear to indicate talking on a phone) some people... (makes her left hand "walk" on her right hand, using the index and middle fingers as legs) Get that? LISA I'm not illiterate. JOANNA (honestly) Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were. LISA Well, I'm not. JOANNA So are we? LISA Illiterate? JOANNA No! Are we going to call some people? LISA Why? JOANNA To find Benny's furniture! LISA I thought Grandpa had it. JOANNA Yes, but he'll never bring it back here. (there's a knock at the door) Answer it. LISA I'm not answering it. You answer it. JOANNA There's no way I'm answering it. (calling out) Benny! BENNY (entering with a weepy look on his face) Hmm? JOANNA We think you should answer the door. BENNY There's someone at the door? JOANNA That'd be about the best reason to answer it, I should think. LISA As should I. JOANNA Then it's settled. There's someone at the door. BENNY And you want me to answer it? JOANNA That's right. BENNY Why? JOANNA Because it's your house! BENNY Details, details. (looking out the window) It's Mama! Quick, hide! (shoves LISA into the bedroom as MAMA pounds on the door furiously) MAMA (offstage) That's right, it's me. Sorry to ruin your day, but let me in! BENNY Mama, you have a key. Come on in yourself! MAMA Can't. Grandpa stole it. BENNY (to JOANNA) You have to hide! JOANNA Where? BENNY The kitchen. Go! Go! JOANNA (crossing to the kitchen, then thinks) But there is no kitchen! BENNY Then the bathroom. Hurry! MAMA Benny, you let me in this instant. I have great news! JOANNA (opening the kitchen door) Oh my God! You have a kitchen again! (exits into the kitchen) BENNY Mama, I'm letting you in now. MAMA And that floozy of a daughter of mine better not be in there. BENNY (opening the door) Mama! MAMA (entering) There. Now that I'm finally in... BENNY Sorry, Mama, door was stuck. MAMA I doubt it was the door that was stuck. BENNY What brings me the pleasure of your company, Mama? MAMA I found your kitchen, Benny. BENNY Where? MAMA Someone dropped it on Main Street, just past the BP. BENNY I'd have never thought to look there. MAMA Oddly enough, Benny, I saw it there in front of Wilson's Pawn Shop. BENNY No. MAMA (pulling out a pair of rubber pants) Your grandfather was attempting to trade your kitchen for these. BENNY Why do you have them? MAMA Mind your own business, boy. BENNY He didn't get them, then? MAMA Couldn't. What's the owner going to do with another kitchen? BENNY What about my furniture? My bed? MAMA Come with me. You'll see that it's all here. (crosses to the bedroom) BENNY Okay, Mama, I'm right behind you... (pause) Where are you going? MAMA To the bedroom. BENNY No, you can't go in there. MAMA But, Benny, that's where I put your bed. BENNY You did? MAMA Of course. I slid it through the window. But Benny you have to see it. BENNY Why? We don't need to go in the bedroom, do we? MAMA Of course, Benny. BENNY All right, Mama, but there's something I should show you first... (BENNY opens the bedroom door, out of which LISA enters, tiptoing very quietly in the direction of the kitchen. BENNY puts his hand away from LISA) BENNY See this mark on my hand? MAMA No. BENNY This one here! MAMA No, I don't... (looks toward LISA, but BENNY blocks her sight. MAMA'S onto something, and tries to see around BENNY, who moves with her head. Finally, LISA makes it into the kitchen) Who was that? BENNY Where's my furniture? MAMA In the truck outside. Who just went into your kitchen? BENNY My kitchen? MAMA That's right. From your bedroom. BENNY My bedroom? MAMA The room that contains your bed. BENNY Oh, that bedroom. Nobody was in my bedroom. MAMA I saw her, Benny. BENNY Her? You mean there was a girl in my bedroom? Eeyew! MAMA Benny, are you trying to trick your mama? BENNY No, Mama. (MAMA heads to the kitchen, but BENNY blocks her way. MAMA pushes BENNY aside and runs to the kitchen before he can get up and stop her. MAMA opens the door.) JOANNA (entering arm in arm with LISA) Hello, mother, I see you've met my new girlfriend, Lisa. LISA Hello, Ma'am. MAMA Aw, what a nice girl. BENNY No, this can't be happening. LISA Sorry, Benny, I just never knew before. BENNY No! MAMA Benny, there's something I have to tell you about your furniture. BENNY My furniture? MAMA That's right. I recovered it for you. For which you owe me a small... favor. BENNY No. LISA I never knew another woman could be like that. BENNY No. JOANNA Neither did I, Lisa. I'll never be with a man again. BENNY No. MAMA One last thing about your bed, Benny. (shows him the mattress tag) BENNY Nooooooooo!!!! (Blackout. THE CURTAIN FALLS)