Eleanor (Darkness - cheers - lights up on Eleanor (playing field hockey) Okay girls! Are you ready!! (a face off) (Whistle) Ground - stick - ground - stick - ground - stick - Ha! Take that! Ohhh! Yah!! (she slashes her way to the ball and slices it down the opposing field) Yeah! Come on, Bernadette! Move your ass! Shoot! Whew. Close one. But we still live. (she checks her ankle) Ow. The blonde gave me that one. Just wait till I get her up close. (she waves her stick) I'll give her one right up the ol' Poop Chute! (a whistle) Grrrr! (she starts to slash and hack) Yaaah!!! (a whistle) What? Slashing?! Me? It was a love tap. She's faking. That's not real blood. I'm defense. I'm supposed to be...Penalized. Great. (She walks off the playing field and sits on a small bench) Yeah, sister's got it in for me. She's in the other team's pocket. (she watches) Come on, Cindy! Get the lead out!! That's Cindy. She's my lab partner in Home Eck and boy is she stupid. She plays like she cooks. She cracks the eggs all wrong and then throws the shells in the batter and when I yell at her she says that your supposed to do that 'cause a women needs calcium and eggshells got more calcium than you can shake a stick at. What a dim bulb. (a whistle) Penalty shot. (a whistle) Oh, Jeez. You suck eggs, Cindy! Yeah, suck my left boob. Am I on? Here goes! (she runs back on the field) Yaaaaaah! (she raises her stick above her head - a whistle - she stops) What? High Sticking? It never left the turf! I just got back on for...Five minutes. High sticking. Great. (she walks off again) It's a stupid game. Stupid. But good for getting the old aggression out. We Catholic girls need that release. (she brandishes her stick) I'll be back! Just you wait. (she sits on the bench) Kill 'em!!! I know I sound a little bloodthirsty but I'm not. I'm just a girl. Like all the others. I'm a product of my environment. Television violence has desensitized my mind and has stomped on my sense of what's right and what's wrong. Therefore, I'm prone to acts of senseless violence and hunger for physical revenge on anyone who gets in my way. At least, that's what my shrink tells me. Come on, St. Etheldrum's! Cut off their heads. We'll drink from their skulls! (whistle) Good steal Bernadette! Over to Cindy. Now go! Hack her! Slash her! Yeah! " Hack and Slash" - that's my only play. I'm a master. Hack knees, slash ankles then shoot it out before they doeth unto me what I have doneth unto them. How much time? Two and a half. Two and a half and then I make them pay. (she watches) Hey Cindy! Cover the blonde! THE BLONDE! (a whistle) Oh, Jesus! (she puts her hand to her mouth) Oops. Sorry, Sister. I didn't mean to take the Lord's name in vain. I was just showing some... Detention...yes, maam. Detention. Just great. Old cow. What's wrong with "Jesus"? The priest says it all the time. But the moment I say it - ZINGO! After school detention with Sister Mary Drooptits over there. It's a dog's life, I tell you. Religion makes it so. Ah, I don't know. Religion's okay. I don't mind going to church once in a while. It's alright. It's sort of like Kentucky Fried Chicken. Y'know? You got to try it every now and again just to remind yourself how awful it tastes. Most of it is soooo stupid. "Turn the other cheek". Ha! "Love thy neighbour". Ho-ho. "Virgin birth". Yeah. Sure. Take's two to tango. I read it in those books the Sisters keep locked up in that big glass case in the Library - squished right in between "Catcher in the Rye" and "The Communist Manifesto" is a dog-eared copy of "Sex and Reproduction". Catchy title. You don't believe me, take a look for yourself. There they are - forbidden fruit - waiting to bend the minds of unsuspecting virgins. Who put them there? Who's responsible? Definitely weird. (she removes a bandaid from her knee) Ouch. Hairs are stuck. I'm the only girl I know who's got hairs on her kneecaps. Sister Francis says it's "Genetics". She says I'm a "mutant" -- which I take as a personal insult. I don't shave 'em. Why deny my mutant heritage? It's my little rebellion. (she pulls it off quickly) Youch!!! There. That's that. I can take the pain. (a whistle) Penalty shot. Alright! Cindy finally did something right for a change. Not that she's gonna score or anything. (a whistle) Cindy couldn't hit the broad side of a barn. (a whistle) She scores! The little wimp scores! Alright! She's not so bad after all. I like that girl. So, I'm a lesbian. I admit it. It's true. My dad says I do it for "effect" but he's wrong. I know for sure. He turned a neat shade of blue when I told him at supper one night. He choked on his brussel sprouts - thought I'd have to do the Heimlich remover on him. He asked for it. I just got sick of that boring old question. "What happened at school today, honey?" Normally, the standard answer is "Nothing" but that night I said, "Dad, I'm glad you asked me that. I discovered I was a lesbian at school today and boy am I ever happy about it." So, it was for "effect" a bit but I really am one. The idea of a boy's "thing" going inside me is...(she makes a face) I had one inside me once - I did - the guy was this worm from Upper Canada College who told me I was pretty at the co-ed dance and he had me in his Daddy's BMW - and all I could think about was "Get out! Get out! It hurts! " He's oh-baby, oh-baby and grunting and drooling and I'm thinking, "So, this is it - Upper Canada sex. What's the big deal? This is not for me." So I push him off and he's still scraping and clawing at me but I tell him "hey! the bridge is out" (she crosses her legs) and he stops. So much for the first time being the best. The next day I'm thinking, "So it wasn't any good. So what. Don't worry. That doesn't mean you're not going to enjoy it when you try it again with "Mr. Dream Guy". When I was really little I used to think, "Somewhere is my "Dream Guy" and I'm going to marry him and we're going to have kids and live in Rosedale." Didn't worry about being happy or fulfilled back in those days. Being married and living in Rosedale was enough. Still is enough for some people. But it's not enough for me. So, I'm thinking about this in Home Eck and I notice Cindy is trying to chop some nuts in a bowl but she's using the tip of the knife and the nuts are flying all over the place - like this - and I freak out and tell her she's soooo stupid and she bursts into tears and runs into the john. Usually she'll just make a face but this time I really got her and she's boo-hoo-hooing in the can I run in to get her calmed down before Sister Brenda gets her tits in a knot. Cindy's collapsed by the sink and the tears are running all over the place. She's got her period too. Pathetic or what. I stroke her hair and she bats my arm away and says, "Don't touch me. I'm special today." Shit. I'm special today. Hey Cindy, we're all special. You don't have the market cornered on "Special" y'know. Then she starts bleating again and I give her a hug. And right then Sister Brenda busts in and she freaks out and gives me a bash and Cindy starts crying all over again. Sister Brenda calls me a "Dirty Thing" - Bash! - "You're gonna burn in Hell for that one" - Bang! - and all that crap but I happen to know for a fact that there isn't a Hell so I'm not worried. (a silence) So that's how I know I'm a lesbian. True story. Huh? I'm on? Send somebody else in. I don't want to play any more. Send in Perfect Dorothy over there. She's been warming the pines for the whole game. Thanks Sister. (she watches) There she goes. Little Miss Perfect. Not like pig-faced Eleanor - stone age throwback. So, I'm a communist. I'll admit it. I think Marx is nifty. Just the kind of guy to bring home to Daddy. "This is Karl my new boyfriend, Daddy. He's gonna grow up one day and throw you and your rich friends into a Gulag." You should see my Dad. I caught him snuffling under my bed one afternoon. He was searching for condoms and drugs in that order but instead he pulls out my pop-up book version of "Das Kapital" (where when you pull the little string Karl shakes his fist at passing bourgeoisie) and he freaks out! "What's this, Eleanor!? Are you a C-c-c-Communist!!?" "Why of course I am, Daddy. You have made me so." Whack!! goes the pop-up book right on my head. Bang! Biff! Bash! You're nothing but a spoiled brat! Boom! It's all your mother's fault! Bamm!! (a pause) My mother - a final parting shot and he storms out. I feel anger. Cold steel anger - beautiful and dangerous anger. What right did he have to rummage through my things? Didn't he realize that I must now have my cold and calculated revenge. I pack my $2,000 dollar suitcase with designer clothes. I put on my best sweater (Bloomindales - 700 dollars) and storm out. Where am I going? It doesn't matter. All I know is that he will follow me wherever I go. I hop in the new Volvo and burn rubber - I am only 15. I have never driven a car before in my life. I take out the shrub and picket fence at the property line and start to cruise. He's behind me - in the Porsche. If I were James Bond I'd drop the smoke bomb or the oil slick and be gone in a flash but I'm not James Bond so I gun it and take a fast corner - destination - Bay Street! He follows. Davenport Road. I bump a Renault. I scrape a Rolls. I side swipe a Ferrari. (she laughs) That's right. Get my license plate, boys. Make the repair bills out to my dear Dad. It's kind of nice being a young offender. No responsibilities. Bay Street - you old whore. Good to see you. I screech to a halt. Double park - scratch a few fenders and stroll into Daddy's trust company. Up the escalator. Hello, Mary! Hi, Bill! No line- ups for me. I'd like my safety deposit box please. Thank-you. May I have the key? You're too kind. Back to the top of the stairs. There he is. One story down - pushing his way through the people - red as a beet. Hey Daddy! Hey Everybody! Scrambles! I empty the contents - bonds, deeds, blue chips, jewellery. They cascade down into greedy hands. My father is swallowed up by his customers. He screams, "Mine! Mine! Don't touch!" But it doesn't help. "Scrambles" is the cue for everyone to start behaving like those idiots on Beat the Clock. They rip and tear into each other. Sharks in a feeding frenzy. (she stops) Okay so I didn't do any of this . But that's not the point. The point is nobody insults my mother. That's my job! They're separated but the Church won't give 'em a real divorce so they're still stuck with one another sort of. Daddy made up some dirt on my Mom and then hired the best lawyers and got custody even though I screamed and begged and kissed the judge's ass. He still got me. And...he still gets to me. Y'now? (a whistle) Somebody's hurt. They got Cindy. She's down. Hurry up with the stretcher. (she follows the stretcher) Hey, babe. Don't cry. Everything's gonna be okay. I'll see you in the infirmary. I'll bring you some Loon Moons. You'll be fine. (the stretcher leaves) Just a flesh wound. She'll be okay. (a whistle) Whoops. Better get off the field. World's most perfect field hockey team - umm - Marx at centre, Engels and Castro on the wings, Lenin on - Naw, that doesn't work. They're men. Men look stupid playing this game. Don't believe me? Watch the Olympics. Men got all the juicy sports. Hockey. Football. The great male sport. Male bonding. Hey-hey! Whoo-whoo! Boom-boom! They got Baseball. Meanwhile where are we? Stuck on the sidelines wiggling our tits or playing some stupid sport with stupid rules and sticks that don't shoot straight. He used me. He said it himself - "Use the kid" - that's what he told the lawyers. He still knows how to hurt me the most - my Daddy does. That's why revenge is so important to me. Hack and Slash in this stupid game 'cause that's all there is to it. Mom was sooo stupid. She didn't fight. She didn't play. It was off to Montreal for good times. (a whistle) I'm needed. Cindy's demise makes us one short so looks like I'm on whether I like it or not. (a silence - she screams) Jesus Christ on a bike!!! (a long whistle) Game misconduct? Thank you. (blackout)