A NIGHT IN ELSINORE a parody of William Shakespeare's HAMLET committed by Richard Nathan (Richard-Nathan@worldnet.att.net) ACT I Scene I Scene I takes place on a platform in front of Elsinore Castle. FRANCISCO is on duty. Enter BERNARDO. BERNARDO Who's there? FRANCISCO Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself. BERNARDO Long live the King! FRANCISCO Bernardo? BERNARDO I am he. FRANCISCO You come most carefully upon your hour. BERNARDO 'Tis now struck twelve. Off stage, there is the sound of someone approaching. FRANCISCO Who is there? Stand ho! Enter HORATIO, who is dressed rather shabbily and who speaks with an unusual Italian accent. He is more an antique Roman than a Dane. HORATIO That's right! You guessed it. BERNARDO What's right? Guessed what? HORATIO You said, "Stand Ho!" That's me! Ho! BERNARDO Ho! Ho who? HORATIO Gezundheit! FRANCISCO Why, 'tis good Horatio! How dost thou, Horatio? HORATIO I don't do much dusting anymore. I'm a guard now. I guard the castle gate, and I do a pretty good job too. FRANCISCO Really? HORATIO Sure. It's still there. BERNARDO Has the apparition appeared again tonight? FRANCISCO I have seen nothing. BERNARDO Horatio, do you know ought of the Ghost? HORATIO Well, I ought to. Hey, that's some funny joke, eh? BERNARDO Come, come, Horatio. Do you know anything of ghosts? HORATIO Sure, I knew an old ghost once. But that was a long, long time ago. He's probably dead by now. FRANCISCO Look! It comes again! The ghost of our late King Hamlet! Enter the GHOST, a bright-eyed imp who happens to be mute. BERNARDO There is the apparition! HORATIO I don't believe it. The Ghost and Horatio joyously embrace. BERNARDO Stay illusion! If thou hast any sound or use of voice, speak to me! The Ghost honks a horn. FRANCISCO Question it, Horatio. HORATIO Hey, Ghost, how ya doing? The Ghost does a melodramatic death scene. HORATIO You're dead, huh? Gee, that's too bad. The Ghost sits up and nods his head "yes." FRANCISCO Ask him about the war! HORATIO What war? FRANCISCO Ask him if we should go to war with young Fortinbras! HORATIO Hey, Ghost, should we go to war with Fortinbras? The Ghost shakes his head "no." He hold up ten fingers, and then three fingers. HORATIO No. He says Fortinbras is too many. He thinks we should go to war with thirteen-bras. The Ghost slaps his knee and goes into fits of silent laughter. FRANCISCO No, no! You remember, young Fortinbras is the son of old Fortinbras, who was King of Norway, until our late King Hamlet killed him and took most of the Norwegian lands. The Ghost mocks Francisco's overly-serious manner, and makes faces at him. Suddenly he looks offstage and panics. HORATIO What's the matter? The Ghost starts to run offstage, but Horatio blocks his way. HORATIO Where you going? What're you doing? The Ghost whistles and points to the horizon. HORATIO What do you mean? I don't get it. The Ghost decides to explain in pantomime. The Ghost points down. HORATIO Down? The Ghost whistles and nods enthusiastically. Then the Ghost mimes picking up something and raising it. HORATIO What? Down is up? You're crazy! How can down be up? The Ghost shakes his head "no." He holds out a hand to signal that he wants to start again. HORATIO Okay. We start again. The Ghost mimes putting a cigar into his mouth, and then loping across the stage while raising and lowering his eyebrows. HORATIO Wait a minute! I think I seen that guy before. Let me think ... I know! That's the man who comes to fix the sink! The Ghost shakes his head "no." HORATIO No? Who is it? The Ghost mimes holding a baby in his arms, acting like a father. HORATIO It's your son? It's Prince Hamlet? The one you named after yourself? Funny, he looks just like the man who comes to fix the sink. The Ghost threatens to hit Horatio. HORATIO OK. Hamlet. He's your son. Your son! The Ghost mimes proudly holding the baby in his arms. Then he mimes lifting the baby up. HORATIO He's going up? Hamlet's going up? The Ghost shakes his head "no," and then holds out his hand to signal that he wants to try again. HORATIO OK. We try again. The Ghost again mimes Hamlet loping across the stage. Then, as Hamlet, he starts silently weeping and crying. HORATIO Hamlet. He's sad. He's crying. Why's he crying? The Ghost points to himself and does his death scene again. Then he goes back to Hamlet crying, and pointing to where he died. HORATIO He cries because you're dead. He's in mourning. As soon as Horatio says, "mourning," the Ghost starts joyfully jumping up and down and nodding "yes." HORATIO That's it!!! Mourning! It's morning ... The Ghost again mimes lifting the baby. HORATIO . . . and something's going up. The sun is coming up! It's morning, dawn, and the sun is coming up, so you've got to leave now. OK, I understand. Good-bye, Ghost. I'll be seeing you. Good- bye. The Ghost exits, waving good-bye and blowing kisses. HORATIO Hey, he's a nice ghost. FRANCISCO Come. Let us impart what we have seen tonight to young Prince Hamlet. Exeunt. ************************************************** Scene II Scene II takes place in a room in Elsinore Castle. Flourish. Enter the KING, the QUEEN, HAMLET (who has his back to the audience), POLONIUS, LAERTES, and OPHELIA. The King is a slightly overweight man with a beard and a middle-European accent. His name is Claudius. Gertrude, the Queen, is a stately dowager-type. Polonius is a foolish old man. Ophelia is an attractive blonde who is very clever and very ambitious. Laertes is a young man, excitable, but not very bright. In the original production of this play, he was played in a style resembling Daffy Duck (including the lisp), and it worked. KING Though yet of Hamlet our dear brother's death the memory be green, and it befitted us to bear our hearts in grief, and our whole kingdom to be contracted in one brow of woe, it's time we faced the fact the old king's dead, and I must run the kingdom. I thank you all for your condolences on the death of my brother, the late King, as I thank you for your good wishes on my marriage to his widow, the Queen. Now then, on to our royal business. Young Fortinbras has demanded that we surrender the lands lost by his father. I have sent word to the aged king of Norway, ordering him to bring young Fortinbras into line! Not one patch of land shall we give up! The King looks around the room. Everyone except Hamlet looks pleased. The King looks at Laertes. KING Now, good Laertes, did you have something you wished to ask of me? LAERTES Yes, Sire, your leave and favor to return to France. KING Ahh, France, eh? I'm told that France is a lovely country, and I hear they make most excellent wines there. Go. Enjoy yourself. And be sure to send some postcards. Now, my nephew Hamlet, my son, how is it the clouds still hang on you? Hamlet turns to face the audience, and we see his face for the first time. Hamlet has a big, black mustache that looks as if it might have been painted on, and he smokes a cigar. HAMLET Nay, I am too much in the sun! Get it? That's a joke. My real father just died, and now I've got you for a father, so I'm too much in the sun! Boy, that Shakespeare sure could write. I'd like to see Francis Bacon pull off a joke like that. KING Hmmmmm. Come, Hamlet, my son, how is it the clouds still hang on you? HAMLET I don't know. Maybe it's because you're reigning. QUEEN Good Hamlet, I know full well the love you bore your father. But cast thy nighted color off! If he were here today, do you think your father would want us to mourn on and on, wearing the same customary suit of solemn black, day in and day out? HAMLET Well, he'd probably ask you to change your socks. QUEEN Hamlet, . . . HAMLET In fact, that's still a pretty good idea. And while you're at it, change your husband. QUEEN Hamlet, I loved your dear, departed father. No woman could have loved him more. HAMLET Of course not! No other dame ever had a chance, not with you watching him like a hawk. And a fat lot of good it did him, ... poor old Dad. KING Hamlet, it's unfortunate that your father died, but fathers have a way of doing that. My father died, and his father died before him, and his father died... HAMLET Yeah, but uncles go on forever. Don't you? KING Hamlet, why don't you try to think of me as your father? HAMLET OK, bury yourself six feet underground, and I'll give it a shot. KING Gertrude, we must do something about this son of yours. Exeunt all but Hamlet. HAMLET Oh that this too, too solid flesh would melt, or at least that they would turn up the heat a little. To think that it should come to this! My father but two months dead, and my mother married to this satyr. I recall the day they wed. It was a satyr-day. Heaven and Earth, must I remember? My mother has married my uncle, and turned me into my own cousin. Frailty, thy name is woman. And woman, thy name is Frailty. My name is Hamlet, and I'm ashamed to meet the both of you. Enter Horatio, Francisco and Bernardo. Horatio consults with his friends. HORATIO Hey, is that him? HAMLET Horatio, -- or I do forget myself! HORATIO Well, I don't know. Who do you think you are? HAMLET I'm Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. HORATIO Then you don't forget yourself... not unless you're the man who comes to fix the sink. Then you got a problem. HAMLET This can't be anyone but Horatio. Don't you remember me? We went to school together! HORATIO Sure, I know you! You're Hamlet! HAMLET And you're Horatio! But I thought you were still going to school in Wittenberg. HORATIO No, I left there a long time ago. I was too smart for them. HAMLET Oh really? HORATIO Yeah. All the professors said they'd never be able to teach me anything. HAMLET Horatio, something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and I think it's you. HORATIO That reminds me. I think I saw your father's ghost last night! HAMLET What? Are you sure it was him? Did you speak to him? HORATIO We spoke. But he wouldn't answer. HAMLET That sounds like Dad, all right. Listen, boys, this is something I'm going to have to see for myself. Let's meet at the top of the castle tonight. Exeunt. ************************************************** Scene III Scene III takes place in a room in Polonius' house. Enter Laertes and Ophelia. LAERTES My necessaries are embarked. Farewell. And sister, do be wary of the affections of Prince Hamlet. Perhaps he does love you now, but he is subject to his birth, and therefore he must choose a royal bride. OPHELIA Laertes, don't be such an ass! Use your brain for once! Do you think for one minute that Claudius is going to let Hamlet marry a princess? LAERTES Huh? OPHELIA Listen! Hamlet has a better claim to the throne than his uncle Claudius does, right? If Hamlet marries into another royal family, he'll gain powerful allies to help him win the crown. You think Claudius wants that? All I have to do is convince the King that Hamlet's been toying with my affections, and I guarantee you we'll be married before Hamlet knows what's hit him. Then I'll figure out some way to get rid of Claudius, and I'll be Queen of Denmark! LAERTES Sister, you're brilliant! But look, here comes our father! Enter Polonius. POLONIUS Yet here, Laertes? My blessings with thee! And take these few precepts in thy memory: Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar. Enter Horatio. HORATIO What's he gonna do in France if he can't be vulgar? How's he gonna fit in? POLONIUS Horatio, you're not supposed to be here, are you? HORATIO No, but I got two more hours before I'm supposed to go to a secret meeting with Hamlet at the top of the castle, so I got lots of time to kill. POLONIUS I was just giving some advice to my son. HORATIO That's OK. I'll add vice too. I got lots of vice. POLONIUS Very well. Laertes, neither a borrower nor a lender be . . . HORATIO That's a good idea. But you know what? You're too late. Laertes loaned me ten gold kroner this morning. POLONIUS Then give it back to him! HORATIO I can't. Right after he gave me the money, I put it down, and then I lost it. POLONIUS You put it down and lost it??? HORATIO Yeah, I put it down on a horse. POLONIUS This is terrible. HORATIO Yeah, now your son, he's a lender, and what are we gonna do? Hey, I got a great idea! You loan me ten gold kroner, and then I'll pay Laertes back, and then he won't be a lender anymore. POLONIUS But if I lend you the money, then I'll be a lender, and you'll still be a borrower. HORATIO OK, I got a better idea. You don't be a lender, I don't be a borrower. You just give me the money. How's that? POLONIUS I don't know about this. HORATIO You want your son to stay a lender all his life? Polonius reaches into his money bag and takes out a gold coin. POLONIUS But all I've got is this twenty- kroner piece. Have you got change for that? HORATIO No, but I'll take it, just the same. Horatio pockets the twenty-kroner piece. POLONIUS At least you can now pay back to Laertes the ten kroner you owe him. HORATIO Laertes, you got change for twenty kroner? LAERTES No, I'm afraid not. Horatio turns to Polonius. HORATIO Now we got another problem. I can't give this coin to him. If I give him the coin, he'll owe me money. If he owes me money, then he'll be a borrower. He can't be a borrower if you just told him not to be a borrower! POLONIUS But... HORATIO Hey, I just got another great idea. Laertes, why don't you just say you gave me the ten gold kroner? Then you won't be a lender! You won't be a borrower! You'll just be a nice guy, like your father! LAERTES Sounds okay to me. Ophelia, the only really smart one in the family, is furious with Horatio. She scolds him, while Polonius and Laertes try to figure out what's been going on. OPHELIA Horatio, you're nothing but a cheap, conniving crook! HORATIO Yeah, that's me. OPHELIA How can you be so dishonest? HORATIO One time I tried to be honest, but then I said to myself, "Horatio, to thine own self be true." So if mine own self is a crook, that's what I gotta do. Good-bye! Horatio walks out with his twenty-kroner piece. Ophelia glares at him. Laertes and Polonius are still trying to puzzle out what happened to their money. Exeunt Ophelia, Laertes and Polonius. ************************************************** Scene IV Scene IV takes place back on the platform in front of Elsinore Castle, where Scene I took place. Enter Hamlet, Horatio, Bernardo and Francisco. HAMLET The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold. Say, are you fellows sure this is where dear old Dad is going to show up? BERNARDO The ghost has appeared at this very spot three nights past, my lord, then vanished before the sun came up. We hear the distant pounding of a kettledrum, and a flourish of trumpets. FRANCISCO What does this mean, my lord? HAMLET That's the King. He has the musicians play while he drinks. He doesn't like to drink alone, so he has them play eight to the bar. You see, the King likes to take a drink before he goes to bed at night. Then he likes to take a drink when he's in bed, especially if the Queen is still awake. Then the Queen throws him out of bed, so he has to take another drink. Then he's ready to throw the Queen out of bed, which calls for another drink. Every time he takes a drink, he has the musicians bang the kettledrum. As soon as the King is as tight as the drum, he knows it's time to fall asleep. HORATIO Hey, that sounds like a pretty good job. You think I could be a king? HAMLET Well, would you be willing to marry your brother's wife? Do you think you could do that? Horatio thinks this over. HORATIO I don't know. HAMLET Well, come on. Do you want to be king, or don't you? HORATIO If I marry the wife, do I get his mistress too? HAMLET That's not strictly required. It's not really part of the job. But I'm sure we could work something out. HORATIO Is she pretty? HAMLET The wife or the mistress? HORATIO Yes! HAMLET You'll have to take that up with your brother. HORATIO Hey, I just remembered! I haven't got a brother! HAMLET Then you'll have to take that up with your parents. You do have parents, don't you? Otherwise, you'll just have to take it up with your grandparents. HORATIO I've got a great idea! Why don't I just take your wife? HAMLET My wife? I'm not even married! HORATIO That's all right. I can wait. BERNARDO Look my lord, it comes! The Ghost enters, and is overjoyed to see Hamlet. The Ghost claps his hands and runs to embrace his son. HAMLET Dad! As the Ghost embraces Hamlet, the Ghost sticks his hands into the pockets of Hamlet's coat, pulls out an apple, and starts to eat it. HAMLET Gee, it's nice to see you, Dad. The Ghost nods happily, enjoying the apple. Then the Ghost beckons Hamlet to follow him. HAMLET I think you boys better go. I think he wants to be alone with his son. HORATIO All right. Exeunt Horatio, Bernardo and Francisco. Again, the Ghost beckons Hamlet to follow him. HAMLET OK, I'll follow you. Exeunt the Ghost and Hamlet. ************************************************** Scene V Scene V takes place on another part of the platform. Enter the Ghost and Hamlet. HAMLET Where wilt thou lead me? I'll go no further. The Ghost shrugs, and stops. HAMLET So, Dad, what's new? The Ghost points to the apple core, grins, and gestures that he'd like something else to eat. HAMLET I'm sorry, I don't have any more apples. The Ghost makes a horrible disgusted face and turns away from Hamlet. HAMLET Gee, if I'd only known, I... The Ghost makes a disparaging wave of his arms at Hamlet, and makes another horrible face. HAMLET Dad, isn't there something you wanted to tell me? The Ghost suddenly remembers! He claps his hands and sits Hamlet down, and indicates that Hamlet should watch him. HAMLET Oh. OK. You're going to tell me a story. The Ghost nods his head happily. Then he reaches into his coat and pulls out a little pillow. He puts the pillow down on the floor and mimes going to sleep with his head on the pillow. Hamlet waits for a minute, watching the Ghost sleep. HAMLET Say, I thought Ghost stories were supposed to keep you awake. The Ghost puts his fingers to his lips to indicate that Hamlet should be quiet, while he's sleeping. HAMLET OK, you're sleeping. Where are you sleeping? The Ghost, still pretending to be asleep, holds up his hand, with the back of his hand facing the audience. Then he pushes up the apple core to the top of his fingers, and mimes plucking an apple. HAMLET Oh, you're asleep in the apple orchard. I remember, you liked to sleep there! The Ghost nods "yes." HAMLET What happens next? The Ghost stands up, takes the pillow and puts it under his shirt. He pretends to be fat. Then he pulls at an imaginary beard. HAMLET A fat man... a fat man with a beard... The Ghost makes an ugly face and mimes yelling and being angry. HAMLET A fat, nasty man with a beard! Your brother Claudius! The Ghost nods "yes." Then he goes back to putting on the nasty, evil face of Claudius. He stomps around the stage, pulling on his beard. HAMLET What does he do? The Ghost, pretending to be Claudius, notices the apple core lying on the stage. He picks it up, sees that it's been eaten, and brutishly throws it away. He looks around the stage, and then looks in surprise at the spot where the Ghost was sleeping. The Ghost whips out the pillow, and resumes sleeping at that spot. HAMLET OK, Claudius found you sleeping. What happened next? The Ghost jumps up, puts the pillow back in under his shirt, and pretends to be Claudius. He reaches into his coat, and pulls out a bottle of poison. Then he reaches into his coat with his other hand and pulls out a funnel. He walks over to where the Ghost has been sleeping, and mimes putting the funnel into the sleeping man's ear, and he pours the contents of the bottle into the funnel. Then the Ghost whips out the pillow and becomes himself sleeping, with the funnel in his ear, and the poison being poured into it. The Ghost wakes up and dies horribly. HAMLET Oh no! Murder! Foul and unnatural murder! Claudius poured poison into your ear and killed you!!! Oh murder most foul!!! The Ghost sits up and nods his head in agreement. HAMLET Oh horrible! Oh, horrible, most horrible! ... Well, what do you want me to do about it? The Ghost mimes hitting, kicking, choking, and jumping up and down on someone. HAMLET You want me to take revenge on Claudius? The Ghost nods "yes." HAMLET Well, that sounds fair enough. What about Mom? The Ghost shakes his head "no." He reaches into his coat and takes out a poster-sized picture of the Queen. He kisses the picture and looks coy. HAMLET Not Mom. You still love Mom. Aww, that's sweet. It's crazy, but it's sweet. Maybe you should have your head examined, or at least your eyes. The Ghost clutches the picture of the Queen to his chest, and looks threateningly at Hamlet. HAMLET OK! Don't worry. I won't hurt Mom. Just Claudius. The Ghost shakes Hamlet's hand and pats him on the back. Then the Ghost proceeds to put the picture, the pillow, the bottle and the funnel back into his coat. HAMLET You have to go so soon? The Ghost points to the horizon. HAMLET Oh, I see. The sun's coming up. OK, Dad. It was nice seeing you again. I'll get your revenge for you. You can count on me. The Ghost waves good-bye and exits. HAMLET Hmmmm. Now what am I going to do? I can't just go downstairs and kill Claudius. This is only Act I, and we've still got a whole play to fill up. I know! I'll pretend I've gone crazy. That won't help me get revenge, but it should take up a few hours, and it may liven things up around here. Enter Horatio, Bernardo, and Francisco. BERNARDO Lord Hamlet! FRANCISCO What news, my lord? HAMLET Listen, boys, I don't want any of you to ever say a word about seeing that ghost, all right? Off stage, the Ghost honks his horn. HAMLET Swear! BERNARDO Propose the oath, my lord, and we will swear it. HAMLET Never to speak of what you have seen this night. FRANCISCO But we haven't seen anything! HAMLET Then never to speak of what you haven't seen! HORATIO I'm not sure I can remember everything I haven't seen. Off stage, the Ghost honks his horn. HAMLET Swear! Swear that you'll remember to forget everything you haven't seen. HORATIO I don't know. I've got a pretty good memory. Hamlet gives each of then a gold kroner piece. HAMLET Look, I'm going to lend each of you ten kroner. Will you remember to pay back this loan? HORATIO What loan? FRANCISCO We have forgotten everything, my lord! Off stage, the Ghost honks his horn. HAMLET Swear! Swear by my sword. Hamlet isn't wearing a sword in this scene. After this scene, he does wear a sword. HORATIO You forgot to bring your sword! HAMLET Then cross your hearts and hope to die! Off stage, the Ghost honks his horn. HAMLET Swear! HORATIO, BERNARDO, & FRANCISCO We swear! HAMLET So, gentlemen, let us go in together; and still your fingers on your lips, I pray. The time is out of joint. Oh cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right! Exeunt. ************************************************** ACT II Scene I Scene I of Act II takes place at Polonius's house. It's one month later. Polonius enters. A moment later, Ophelia runs in. POLONIUS How now, Ophelia? What's the matter? OPHELIA Oh my lord, my lord, I have been so affrighted! POLONIUS With what? OPHELIA Have you noticed anything peculiar about Prince Hamlet recently? POLONIUS Hamlet? He's always been peculiar, ... but now that you mention it, he has been acting very strangely of late. Why do you ask? OPHELIA He came to my room just now. He took me by the wrist and held me hard, then he fell to such perusal of my face as if he would draw it, and then he raised a sigh so piteous and profound, ... I think he loves me. POLONIUS This sounds like the very ecstasy of love! Have you given him any hard words of late? OPHELIA I've been refusing to see him, as you told me I must. You ordered me to stay away from him because he would never be permitted to marry someone of my lowly station. POLONIUS I was wrong! He truly loves you, and your rejection has driven him mad! In the morning we must go to the King. Polonius exits. Ophelia watches him go off. OPHELIA My poor foolish father. How easy it is to lead you from the truth. If the King as readily believes these lies of Hamlet's love, then soon shall I shall be Queen of Denmark! Ophelia exits after Polonius. Enter Horatio with the Ghost of Hamlet's father. They have been listening to the preceding scene. HORATIO Hey Ghost, did you hear that? It's a good thing we decided to spy. That lady's gonna make trouble for Hamlet. I got to remember to warn him! The Ghost nods in agreement. Exeunt Horatio and the Ghost. ************************************************** Scene II Scene II takes place in a room in the Castle. This room has an arras (a tapestry wall hanging.) Enter the King and Queen, followed by ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN. Rosencrantz is a portly fellow with a tiny mustache, who affects very polished manners. Guildenstern is thin and speaks with an English accent. KING Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Moreover, that we much did long to see you, the need we have to use you did provoke our hasty sending. ROSENCRANTZ Your Majesties! Rosencrantz makes a very deep bow. Guildenstern taps Rosencrantz on the shoulder and points to Claudius. GUILDENSTERN Who's he? ROSENCRANTZ That's the King! GUILDENSTERN I thought you said the King was dead. ROSENCRANTZ The old King is dead. This is the new King! Guildenstern looks at the King very carefully. GUILDENSTERN He doesn't look very new to me. Rosencrantz speaks to the King. ROSENCRANTZ Please forgive my friend, your Majesty. We've had a very long trip, and he's tired. GUILDENSTERN No I'm not. We had a nap after lunch... Rosencrantz glares at Guildenstern, silencing him. KING I trust that you have heard something of Prince Hamlet's transformation. I don't know what may have caused this sudden change in him. You are two of his oldest and dearest friends. Perhaps you can tell us what is the matter. QUEEN Good gentlemen, Hamlet has often talked of you. I'm sure there aren't two men living of whom he is more fond. Please stay with us awhile, and we will see that you are well rewarded. ROSENCRANTZ It will be our pleasure to obey your every command, your Majesties. GUILDENSTERN That's right! After all, you are the King, even if you're not dead yet, so if there's anything we can do to make your job any easier, just call on us. ROSENCRANTZ He means we're ready to do whatever you tell us. The most difficult task won't be too difficult for us to attempt! Isn't that right, Guildenstern? GUILDENSTERN Yes, and the simplest task won't be simple enough for us to do either. What is it you want us to do, anyway? KING Tell us what is wrong with Prince Hamlet! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern confer privately in whispers, then Guildenstern speaks. GUILDENSTERN We heard he's gone screwy. KING We know that! Find out why he's gone screwy!!! ROSENCRANTZ We'll do our best, your Majesty. QUEEN Go, and find Prince Hamlet! Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Enter Polonius. POLONIUS My good lord, the ambassador from Norway has returned! KING I trust he brings good news. POLONIUS That reminds me, I think I have discovered the cause of Hamlet's lunacy. KING Oh? That is something I long to hear! POLONIUS First listen to the ambassador. My news shall be the fruit to that great feast. KING Go then, and bring in the ambassador. Polonius exits. The King turns to the Queen. KING Did you hear that? Polonius thinks he has discovered the source of your son's strange behavior. QUEEN I don't think it is anything but his father's death, and our own hasty marriage, but we shall see. Re-enter Polonius with VOLTIMAND, the ambassador from Norway. KING Well, what news from the King of Norway? VOLTIMAND The King was very surprised by your letter. He thought young Fortinbras was preparing to invade Poland, but when he found out that Fortinbras meant to attack Denmark, he rebuked him most severely. Young Fortinbras then promised the King he would never invade Denmark, but asked if he might invade Poland instead. He would like your permission to bring his army through Denmark, on his way to attack the Poles. KING Well, that sounds like a reasonable request. Go back to Norway, and give young Fortinbras my permission to bring his army through Denmark. Exit Voltimand. The King turns to Polonius. KING Now, Polonius, tell us your news! POLONIUS I have a daughter. She has told me that Hamlet has been sending her love letters. I said to her, "Lord Hamlet is a prince, and above thy station! Avoid him!" She has avoided him, and since that time, he has gone mad! KING Could this be true? QUEEN It may be. POLONIUS My daughter has given me an idea. Prince Hamlet often walks alone here in this part of the castle. Tomorrow my daughter will wait to meet him here. We shall hide behind this arras, and see what happens then. KING We will try it. Enter Hamlet, reading a book. QUEEN Look, how sadly the poor wretch comes reading. POLONIUS Leave me to talk with him alone. Exeunt the King and Queen. POLONIUS How does my lord Hamlet? HAMLET Booga-booga-booga! POLONIUS Do you know me, my lord? HAMLET Let's see, ... Aren't you Abie the Fishman? POLONIUS Not I, my lord. HAMLET No, I guess that was another play. It's too bad. There were a lot more laughs in that show. So, who are you, anyway? No, wait! Let me guess! Have you got a daughter? POLONIUS I have, my lord. HAMLET Tell me, ... does your daughter fool around? POLONIUS Never! HAMLET Good, because you know what fooling around can lead to, don't you? Grandchildren! And grandchildren can lead to great-grandchildren! You know, there'd be a lot less fooling around here in Denmark if you old people would just stop having grandchildren! And at your age too!!! You should be ashamed of yourself! POLONIUS My daughter is a modest, virtuous maiden. She will make some man a fine wife. HAMLET Good, have her make one for me. In fact, I'll take half a dozen. No, make it a dozen. Christmas is coming up, and I need some gifts for my friends. POLONIUS What do you read, my lord? HAMLET Words, words, words. I can never remember this scene, so I keep a copy of the script in here. POLONIUS Though this be madness, yet there is method in it. Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. POLONIUS Fare you well, my lord. Polonius goes over to speak to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. POLONIUS You go to seek Prince Hamlet. There he is. ROSENCRANTZ (to Polonius) God save you, sir! Exit Polonius. ROSENCRANTZ My most dear lord! HAMLET Eh? ROSENCRANTZ Don't you remember us? I am Rosencrantz, and this is my good friend, Guildenstern! HAMLET My most excellent good friends! How do you both? ROSENCRANTZ Not badly. Not badly at all! HAMLET Oh, really? GUILDENSTERN Yes, we get a big reward if we can find out why you're screwy. Rosencrantz takes Guildenstern aside. ROSENCRANTZ You weren't supposed to tell him that! That was supposed to be a secret! GUILDENSTERN But he's our friend. If we can't trust him, who can we trust? ROSENCRANTZ We can't trust anyone! Now whatever you do, don't tell him the King and Queen sent for us. GUILDENSTERN You can count on me! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern go back over to Hamlet. HAMLET Tell me, why did you two come to Elsinore? ROSENCRANTZ Why, to visit you, my lord. No other reason. HAMLET You weren't sent for? GUILDENSTERN Yes, we weren't. HAMLET I'm glad to hear it. Who didn't send for you? GUILDENSTERN The King and Queen. HAMLET That's funny, because I've been dying to tell someone why I've been acting so crazy, but I wouldn't want to tell anyone who wasn't sent for by the King and Queen. Rosencrantz takes Guildenstern aside. ROSENCRANTZ What do we say now? GUILDENSTERN Let's tell him we were sent for. ROSENCRANTZ That's a good idea. They go back over to Hamlet. GUILDENSTERN My lord, we were sent for. ROSENCRANTZ Now tell us what's the matter with you. HAMLET I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth. Well, maybe not all my mirth, but I certainly haven't been having a very good time lately, especially since you boys showed up! ROSENCRANTZ I understand perfectly! You're depressed! GUILDENSTERN Does that mean we can collect the reward now? ROSENCRANTZ Certainly not! Hamlet's our friend! What kind of friends would we be if we didn't do something to cheer him up? GUILDENSTERN Well, if we got the reward, we could go out and buy him a vanilla ice cream cone. That always cheers me up when I'm decompressed. ROSENCRANTZ Hamlet's problems are psychological! He needs to talk about them, and get them out into the open. Rosencrantz turns back to Hamlet. ROSENCRANTZ Why don't you tell us more about how you feel? HAMLET Very well. I didn't want to tell you, but you forced it out of me. Oh, I'm so ashamed. I just found out ... I just found out my two best friends are a couple of morons. ROSENCRANTZ No wonder you're depressed! I'd be depressed too if I found out my best friends were morons. Wouldn't you, Guildenstern? GUILDENSTERN I certainly would, Rosencrantz, but I'd still be your friend anyway, in spite of it! Rosencrantz suddenly suspects that Hamlet has insulted them. ROSENCRANTZ Wait just a minute! I thought we were your best friends. HAMLET I hate to break it to you boys, but I don't think either one of you could pass the aptitude test to become court fools. GUILDENSTERN We could too! ROSENCRANTZ Come, Guildenstern. We don't have to stay here to be insulted. HAMLET No, you probably don't. But wait! Don't go! I'm sorry. It's just that I've been so insane lately. What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason. How infinite in faculties! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel! In apprehension how like a god! There, if that doesn't convince you I'm crazy, nothing will! Take a look around this castle if you want to see what a piece of work is a man! God's just lucky he didn't give out warranties! Oh, I'm so depressed. ROSENCRANTZ We have some news that may cheer you up, my lord. On our way into Elsinore, we passed a gentleman who said he was going to bring back some players to perform for you tomorrow night! HAMLET That's funny. I was just saying to Horatio how much I'd like to see a really good play. Hamlet addresses the audience directly on the next line. HAMLET (to audience) And I bet you folks feel the same way. Enter Horatio. HORATIO Hey, Hamlet, have I got a deal for you!!! HAMLET Why is it that suddenly suicide seems like a good idea? HORATIO You say you want to see a play, so I go out and I find the finest players in the land, just for you! HAMLET Really? When can I see them? HORATIO Not so fast. First you got to talk to their manager. HAMLET Who's their manager, as if I couldn't guess? HORATIO It's funny you should ask. When I found these players, they're the finest players in the land, but guess what? They haven't got a manager! So what can I do? My friend Prince Hamlet wants to see a play, but how's he going to hire these players without a manager? Then I get a wonderful idea!!! I'll be their manager! GUILDENSTERN Gee, isn't he a swell guy? ROSENCRANTZ He certainly is! HAMLET How much are you going to charge me to see these players? HORATIO Twenty kroner. HAMLET Twenty kroner? That's not bad. HORATIO That's just to see them. Now if you want them to put on a play, that's another fifty kroner. HAMLET What kind of play will they put on for this ... total of seventy kroner? HORATIO Well, there's two kinds of plays. There's good plays and bad plays. If you want a good play, it's an extra fifty kroner. HAMLET Well then, have them put on a bad play. HORATIO I'm sorry, they don't do bad plays. They've go a reputation to hold up. HAMLET A hundred and twenty kroner sounds right for a hold-up. Is that the entire cost? HORATIO Sure, that's the whole price. One hundred and twenty kroner for a real good play. Oh, I almost forgot to ask, you don't want them to learn their lines, do you? HAMLET No, I wouldn't think of it. HORATIO Cause if you did, that would be another thirty kroner. HAMLET Just have them read the lines. Horatio gives Hamlet a look, indicating Hamlet is being silly. HAMLET On second thought, why be stingy? Let them learn their lines! We've got a deal then! One hundred and fifty kroner. Hamlet pays the money to Horatio. Enter Polonius. POLONIUS My lord, there are some men at the castle gate, who claim to be players ... . HAMLET Then let them in! Let them in! Polonius goes to get the players. HAMLET I'm really looking forward to this. It's about time we had some good sophisticated adult drama around here. Polonius comes back in with the three players: the FIRST PLAYER is a grumpy, bossy man with a Prince Valiant-type haircut, the SECOND PLAYER has very frizzy hair, and the THIRD PLAYER is a fat, bald idiot. HAMLET So these are the finest players in the land? HORATIO They must be. No one else can get these prices! HAMLET Well, let's see what they can do. Give me a sample. I want to hear something old and classical. Hamlet turns to the First Player. HAMLET Do you know "The Death of Priam"? FIRST PLAYER I didn't even know he was sick! HAMLET Well, that's old, but it isn't classical. That's one of the oldest jokes I've ever heard. How is it that you don't know the famous speech about the death of King Priam? All great actors know that speech! Your manager here said that you were the finest players in the land! THIRD PLAYER We are! We get fined in every town we play in! The Third Player laughs. The First Player hits the Third Player on top of his head, and the Third Player squeals. SECOND PLAYER Listen, we're very good at what we do! HAMLET And what is it you do? SECOND PLAYER Mostly we call each other names, make funny noises, hit each other, and poke each other in the eye. HAMLET Is there much of an audience for that? THIRD PLAYER Certainly!!! POLONIUS I have heard of these players, my lord. They are very successful. HAMLET I repeat: What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason! FIRST PLAYER You still want a sample? Watch what we can do! HAMLET Are you going to hit the fat guy again? FIRST PLAYER Sure, if that's what you want. HAMLET Only if you keep it up until you kill him. Actually, I was hoping for something a little more refined. THIRD PLAYER We're very refined. Whenever we go into a town, right after we get fined once, we usually get refined. The Third Player laughs. The First Player hits him on the head, and he squeals. HAMLET This could quickly become monotonous. The First Player hits the Second Player on the head. SECOND PLAYER Ow!!! What did you hit me for? FIRST PLAYER Variety! HAMLET Couldn't you do something poetic, with lots of conflict, a tragedy about man's inhumanity to man? HORATIO Why didn't you say that's what you wanted? These guys specialize in that! PLAYERS We do? HORATIO Sure! Do the show I taught you this afternoon. You remember, the one with poetry and conflict. HAMLET What's this show called? HORATIO "Simple Simon," by Mother Goose. ROSENCRANTZ Say, I think I know that one. FIRST PLAYER Watch this! The First Player and the Third Player run off opposite sides of the stage. The Second Player steps to center stage and clears his throat. SECOND PLAYER This afternoon, we bring you a classic tale of hunger and greed, that famous poem known the world over ... "Simple Simon." There is a long pause. HAMLET Well? SECOND PLAYER I forgot how it starts. The First Player runs on. He wears a chef's hat and apron. He hits the Second Player on top of the head. FIRST PLAYER "Simple Simon met a pie-man..." The First Player runs back off-stage. SECOND PLAYER Oh yes! (Ahem.) Simple Simon Met a pie-man Going to the faire! The First Player, dressed as a pie-man, and carrying a big cream pie, enters from one side of the stage. The Third Player, singing stupidly, enters from the other side. THIRD PLAYER La-la-lee-la-la! SECOND PLAYER Said Simple Simon, To the pie-man, THIRD PLAYER Let me taste your ware! SECOND PLAYER Said the pie-man, To Simple Simon, FIRST PLAYER Show me first your penny! SECOND PLAYER Said Simple Simon, To the pie-man, THIRD PLAYER In truth, I haven't any! FIRST PLAYER Oh, a deadbeat! The First Player hits the Third Player in the face with the pie. THIRD PLAYER Oh! Vanilla custard! My favorite! The Third Player laughs. The First Player hits the Third Player on top of his head, and the Third Player squeals. All three Players bow, banging their heads together. Horatio, Polonius, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern all applaud enthusiastically. Horatio turns to Hamlet. HORATIO Pretty good stuff, eh? HAMLET Boys, I think you've captured the essence of human existence, and now that you've captured it, I hope you'll never let it out again. No, on second thought, I want you to perform for Claudius tomorrow night. He deserves to see this. Polonius, show these men to their rooms. Polonius leads out the Second and Third Players. Hamlet grabs the First Player by the arm to speak with him privately. HAMLET Wait a second, I want to talk to you. Can you play "The Murder of Gonzago"? FIRST PLAYER Sorry, I never heard of it. HAMLET All right, can you play "The Queen of Hearts"? It's by the same author as "Simple Simon." You remember, "The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts..." FIRST PLAYER Yes, my lord, we know that one. HAMLET I figured you would. We'll have it tomorrow night. But I've got a few special changes I want you to put in. I'll come by and give them to you later. Now go to your room! The First Player exits. ROSENCRANTZ That certainly was a fine performance, wasn't it? GUILDENSTERN I'll say! ROSENCRANTZ Didn't you think the roles were particularly well cast? GUILDENSTERN I thought the pie was well cast. Were there rolls in it too? I didn't see the rolls. HAMLET Go to your rooms!!! ROSENCRANTZ Good-bye, my lord. GUILDENSTERN So long! Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, bowing to Hamlet. HAMLET Oh, what a rogue and peasant slave am I! Is it not monstrous that these players here can slap each other around like that, and I can't even lay a finger on Claudius? They hit each other, hurt each other, and all I can come up with is clever banter! I'm nothing but a coward, a Noel Coward! Well, maybe not such an ol' coward, more of a young coward. And after all, I have no real proof that Claudius killed my father. All I've got is the word of a ghost who can't even talk! I know what I'll do. I'll have these players perform something like the murder of my father. If Claudius looks guilty, I'll know he did it! The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the King! Exit Hamlet. ************************************************** ACT III Scene I Scene I takes place in a room in the castle. This is the same room as in Act II, Scene II. Enter the King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern. KING And can you, by no drift of circumstance, get from him why he puts on this confusion, grating so harshly all his days of quiet with turbulent and dangerous lunacy? Rosencrantz and Guildenstern consult with each other in whispers. GUILDENSTERN Would you mind rephrasing the question? KING Have you found out yet why Hamlet's gone screwy? ROSENCRANTZ We're making progress, your majesty, but he hasn't told us the whole story yet. QUEEN Well, what has he told you? GUILDENSTERN He's oppressed because man is a piece of work, who fills out forms with infinite reasons . . and moves like an admiral on an express, and ... and is apprehensive of god, . . and his two best friends are a couple of morons! ROSENCRANTZ But we do have some good news, your majesties! Some traveling players have arrived at the castle, and your son is going to have them put on a play! KING Hmmmm, maybe this play will take his mind off of whatever it is that is troubling him so much. The next time you see Hamlet, do your best to keep him in a good mood! Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. KING Now Gertrude, I would like you to leave us alone for awhile, while I try to discover what is the matter with your son. I have sent for him, and Polonius and I will hide and watch while he meets Ophelia. We should be able to tell from his reactions if it is really love that is causing him to act so strangely. QUEEN Very well. Ophelia, I hope you can do something about all this. I do not understand what has gotten into that boy! Exit Queen. POLONIUS Ophelia, you stand here and wait for Hamlet. The King and I shall hide behind this arras. The King and Polonius exit behind the arras. Enter Hamlet. HAMLET To be, or not to be; that is the question. Hamlet starts speaking directly to the audience. HAMLET If you can answer the question, you win fifty dollars, which you'll have to split among the lot of you. To be, or not to be? Does anyone have the answer? Hamlet points to a member of the audience. HAMLET You? I'm sorry, anything you have is obviously no good. Including your date. Hamlet suddenly turns somber. HAMLET Oh, why don't I just kill myself now, and let you folks go home early? Better yet, why don't you folks kill yourselves now, and let me go home early? You can take my word for it, you've seen the best part of the show. It's all downhill from here. So what do you say to a little mass suicide? Just think of it, I wouldn't even have to take a curtain call, and you folks could make theater history. Well, come on! What are you waiting for? You're not afraid of a little death, are you? Are you? But then, maybe you should be afraid. Who knows what would happen to you if you did kill yourselves? In your next life, you might have to watch this play rewritten for Abbott and Costello! Ophelia, tired of waiting for Hamlet to notice her, calls to him. OPHELIA Hamlet! HAMLET What's this? The fair Ophelia! Suddenly Horatio rushes on stage, grabs Hamlet, and pulls him over to one side of the stage, away from Ophelia. Horatio speaks privately to Hamlet. HORATIO Hey, Hamlet, I just remembered. You gotta watch out for Ophelia. She wants to marry you so she can be Queen! HAMLET Oh yeah? We'll just see about that! Exit Horatio. OPHELIA Good day, my lord. HAMLET Says you! OPHELIA It's been many days since I've seen your honor. HAMLET Let's keep my honor out of this. You'd like to see my honor, wouldn't you? Well, that's too bad, because it's private, see? My honor's not for sale. Not at reasonable prices, anyway. But for an unreasonable price, maybe we could make a deal. How much honor did you have in mind? OPHELIA My lord, I have some love letters to return to you. HAMLET I'm sorry, you'll have to come up with cash on the line, or it's no deal. Letters!!! OPHELIA You told me you loved me once, and I did believe you. HAMLET What? You expect me to believe that you believed me? Isn't that just like a woman! Well, I don't believe you believed me, so there! Now, do you believe I don't believe that you believed me? That's a better question than "to be or not to be?". OPHELIA You deceived me, my lord. You took advantage of my poor innocence. HAMLET You've got the poorest innocence I've ever seen! Ophelia starts acting girlish, trying to charm Hamlet. OPHELIA But... don't you ever want to be a daddy? HAMLET Why? You want to get adopted? OPHELIA Not me, Hammy! I mean, don't you want to have your own children! HAMLET Listen, Ophy, I've got enough problems with the relatives I've already got. OPHELIA But don't you think I'd make a good mother? HAMLET I think you'd make a mother superior, so why don't you get thee to a nunnery? OPHELIA But... HAMLET Go! Ophelia speaks loudly so that the King and Polonius can hear her. OPHELIA Oh, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown! She turns to Hamlet and hisses a threat at him. OPHELIA I'll get you for this! Hamlet shrugs and exits. Enter the King and Polonius. KING That did not sound like love to me! I don't trust that fellow one bit. I'd feel safer if he were far from Denmark,... say in England. POLONIUS I still think he has gone mad from love for my daughter. After the play tomorrow night, why don't we have his mother speak to him privately, and I will hide and listen to what they say. Then, if you still think he is dangerous, you can send him to England, or confine him where you think best. KING It shall be so. Madness in great ones must not unwatched go. Exeunt. ************************************************** Scene II Scene II takes place in a hall in the castle. Enter Hamlet and the Players. HAMLET Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you! FIRST PLAYER Don't worry, your princeship, we'll do everything just like you said. HAMLET And no melodramatic gestures! Don't saw the air with your hands. THIRD PLAYER Relax! I never saw the air with my hands! I saw the air with my eyes! The Third Player laughs, the First Player pounds him on the head, and the Third Player squeals. FIRST PLAYER That's not what he means! He means don't do this! The First Player saws the air upward with his hand, as the other Players watch him, and then he suddenly jerks his hand down, giving the other Players whiplash. HAMLET What I mean is, don't overact. Be natural! Try to behave like normal human beings. SECOND PLAYER I thought you wanted us to be natural. The First Player pounds the Second Player on the head. HAMLET Go! Make ready for the play. Exeunt the Players. Enter Polonius, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. HAMLET The play is about to start. Go get the King and Queen. ROSENCRANTZ We will, my lord. Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Enter Horatio. Hamlet goes to Horatio and speaks to him privately. HAMLET Horatio! Watch my uncle during the play. Let me know if he does anything funny. HORATIO Don't worry. No one does anything funny in any play while I'm around! HAMLET Well, that explains a lot. Enter the King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. HAMLET All right, everyone sit down. The play's about to start. Everyone except Hamlet sits on the floor. QUEEN Come hither, my dear Hamlet. Sit by me. HAMLET No thanks, Mom. I want to annoy Ophelia. Hamlet goes over to Ophelia, who treats him very coldly. HAMLET Lady, shall I lie in your lap? OPHELIA No, my lord. HAMLET I mean, my head in your lap. He lies down with his head in her lap. She remains cold to him. OPHELIA Aye, my lord. HAMLET Did you think I meant country matters? OPHELIA I think nothing, my lord. HAMLET That's a fair thought to lie between maids' legs. OPHELIA What is, my lord? HAMLET Nothing. Hamlet waggishly raises and lowers his eyebrows. Then he turns to the audience. HAMLET Shakespeare wrote that one. The Second Player steps out and waits for everyone to quiet down. HAMLET Quiet everyone! The play's starting. The Second Player declaims the prologue to the play. SECOND PLAYER The Queen of Hearts She made some tarts, All on a summer's day; The Knave of Hearts He stole the tarts, And took them clean away. The King of Hearts Called for the tarts, And beat the Knave full sore; The Knave of Hearts Brought back the tarts, And vowed he'd steal no more. The Second Player bows to applause and exits. HAMLET That was just the prologue. Now the real play begins! The First Player enters. He is dressed as the King of Hearts. He speaks bombastically. FIRST PLAYER I am the noble King of Hearts! I want my Queen to bake some tarts. The finest pastries in the land Are made by her own dainty hands. Where is the Queen! I want her here! The Third Player, affecting a high, shrill voice answers from off stage. THIRD PLAYER (off stage) Hold your horses! I'm coming, dear! FIRST PLAYER My own dear wife! I know that I Will always love her till I die! The Third Player enters in drag, dressed as the Queen of Hearts. The First Player is horrified by her frightful appearance. THIRD PLAYER Sorry I'm late. I'd lost my wig. How do I look? FIRST PLAYER Just like a ... fig- Ure of beauty, your teeth like pearls! THIRD PLAYER Aw, you say that to all the girls. The Third Player gives the First Player a playful shove, nearly knocking him over. FIRST PLAYER Say you'll be forever true! THIRD PLAYER Certainly, Kingsie! Who else do you Think I'd go for? FIRST PLAYER For a start, My brother, the evil Knave of Hearts! If I catch you two together, Ever again, I don't care whether He has a knife, an ax or spear, I'll kill him first, then you, my dear! THIRD PLAYER Take it easy! Please, calm down! I'm not the type who'd play around! FIRST PLAYER Ever since that time I caught Him with your tarts I've been distraught! THIRD PLAYER You can trust me. Wait and see! I'll behave so faithfully, I'll bake my tarts for only you! Cross my heart! It's true! It's true! Hamlet turns to his mother, as the First Player and Third Player exit, arm in arm, from the stage. HAMLET What do you think, Mom? QUEEN The lady doth protest too much, methinks. Enter the Second Player, dressed as the Knave of Hearts. SECOND PLAYER I'm the wicked Knave of Hearts! I'd love to grab the fair Queen's tarts, Filled with apples, pears, or plums! Why speak of the devil, here she comes! Enter the Third Player, singing and carrying a table. On the table are a number of small cream pies, and at least one large cream pie. THIRD PLAYER La la lee la la. Suddenly the Third Player spots the Second Player, and puts down the table. THIRD PLAYER Hey! You! What are you doing here? SECOND PLAYER I came to taste your tarts, my dear! THIRD PLAYER Have you got rocks inside your head? If the King finds us here, we're dead! SECOND PLAYER You think I'm frightened of that bum? That stupid fool! That twerp! That crumb! Hey! I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll kill the King and marry you! As the Second Player continues telling his plans, the real King, seated in the audience, becomes visibly upset. SECOND PLAYER I'll wait until he's fast asleep Out in his orchard. There I'll creep. I'll bring a jar of poison, dear, And I will pour it in his ear! The King stands, horrified. At this point, the First Player enters, unnoticed by the Second Player or the First Player. SECOND PLAYER As soon as that poor slob is dead, I'll arrange that we'll be wed! And you will bake the pies I crave, While he is rotting in his grave. The Second Player picks up a small cream pie. KING Stop the play! The Players are so intent on their play that they ignore the King. Suddenly, the Third Player (still in his role as the Queen of Hearts) spots the First Player. THIRD PLAYER I think it's high time that I went! The Third Player starts to walk off stage. The First Player grabs the Second Player and spins him around. The Second Player accidentally hits the First Player in the face with the pie. SECOND PLAYER I didn't mean it! It was an accident! FIRST PLAYER Why, you... KING Stop the play! The First Player picks up a pie, and throws it at the Second Player. The Second Player ducks, and the pie hits the Third Player. The King walks over to the Players to stop the play. KING Stop the play! The Third Player picks up a large cream pie and starts to smash it into the face of the First Player. KING Give me some light!!! The First Player ducks and the Third Player hits the real King in the face with the pie. The real King rushes off stage. The Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern follow the King. FIRST PLAYER I think we'd better beat it, boys. The Players exit. Only Hamlet and Horatio are left on stage. HAMLET Did you see that? Did you? Did you see what the King did? HORATIO Yeah, he got the pie I wanted. HAMLET And he stopped the play before the best part! Right before the big musical number! Re-enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. They walk hesitantly up to Hamlet. GUILDENSTERN We have a message for you from your mother. HAMLET Yes? ROSENCRANTZ She wants to speak to you in her room before you go to bed. HAMLET All right. He looks at Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who obviously have something else on their minds, but who are reluctant to speak up. HAMLET Do you boys have anything else on your minds? Rosencrantz and Guildenstern remain silent. HAMLET Do you have anything on your minds? Do you have minds? Rosencrantz and Guildenstern look at each other, and then Guildenstern summons up the courage to speak to Hamlet. GUILDENSTERN We still don't know why you're screwy. At this point the Players walk in playing recorders. They do not play very well. FIRST PLAYER Since the King didn't seem to like our play, we thought he might enjoy some music. Where is the King? HAMLET Let me see that. Hamlet snatches one of the recorders. He looks at it, then hands it to Guildenstern. HAMLET Here. Play upon this pipe. GUILDENSTERN My lord, I cannot. HAMLET I pray you. GUILDENSTERN Believe me, I cannot. HAMLET Please. I beseech you. Suddenly Hamlet's voice turns threatening. HAMLET Play it!!! Guildenstern is near tears. GUILDENSTERN I don't know how to play the pipe. HAMLET You don't, eh? Then you must think I'm simpler than this pipe! You think you can get all my secrets out of me just by asking, but you can't get anything out of this pipe! You're willing to play on me, aren't you? You think it's easier to play on me than this pipe! You thought you could play me, so surely you can play a simple pipe! Go ahead! Play it!!! GUILDENSTERN But I don't ... I . . . HAMLET Play it! Guildenstern tearfully tries to play the pipe. To his surprise, beautiful music comes out. Guildenstern takes the pipe away from his lips to examine it. He can't figure out how he managed to play it. He gives up trying to figure it out, shrugs his shoulders, and happily begins to play again. Guildenstern continues to play very complicated, rich, classical music. He plays like an expert, even though he doesn't know how. Guildenstern stops playing and smiles happily at Hamlet. HAMLET Excuse me, I think I hear my mother calling. Exit Hamlet. Exeunt all. ************************************************** Scene III Scene III takes place in a room in the castle. Enter the King, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. KING I like him not, nor stands it safe with us to let his madness range. Therefore prepare you. I shall execute a commission for you to take him with you to England. Go! Get ready! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern bow and exit. Enter Polonius. POLONIUS My lord, he's going to his mother's room. I'll get there first and hide behind the arras and listen to what they say. I'll tell you everything. KING Thank you, my good friend. Exit Polonius. KING Oh my offense is rank, it smells to heaven. I have murdered my own brother. Prince Hamlet knows what I have done; I'm sure of it. He puts on a mask of madness, while he plots against me, and I deserve to be plotted against. I've killed my brother! I should pray for forgiveness, but how can I? I still have my crown and my queen, and I will not give them up. I will not show repentance. Alas, there can be no forgiveness without repentance, can there? The King kneels, sorrowfully, as if in prayer. Enter Hamlet. He is startled to see the King. Hamlet muses to himself. The King is unaware of Hamlet's presence. HAMLET What's this? The King! I could kill him now, while he's alone. It would be easy. I could run him through while he's praying and send him straight to heaven, which is better than he deserves ... much better. He's praying, which means if I killed him now, he'd go straight to heaven, ... and I'd be left down here in Denmark. He'd like that, I'll bet! I can just see him up there, laughing at me! Why shouldn't he laugh? He gets heavenly bliss, and I'm stuck here with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern! He'd think that was pretty funny, the lout! Well, I'll show him. Hamlet strides over to the King. HAMLET I wouldn't kill you now if you begged me! So there! Exit Hamlet. The King is bewildered. KING Maybe he really is insane after all. Exit the King. ************************************************** Scene IV Scene IV takes place in the Queen's bedroom. Enter the Queen and Polonius. POLONIUS He will come straight. Pray you, be round with him. HAMLET (off stage) Mother! Mother! QUEEN Withdraw! I hear him coming. Polonius hides behind the arras. The Queen sits in a chair. Enter Hamlet. HAMLET Now, Mother, what's the matter? QUEEN Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended. HAMLET Mother, thou hast my father much offended. QUEEN Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue. HAMLET Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue. And thou hast my father much offended! QUEEN Have you forgotten who I am? HAMLET No! You are the Queen, your husband's brother's wife; and -- would it were not so -- you are my mother! And thou hast my father much offended! Let's see you top that! QUEEN I don't understand a word you're saying. HAMLET No, you wouldn't, would you? All you did was marry your own brother- in-law, my uncle. That's all you did, relatively speaking. Did you ever stop to think where we'd be if everyone married my uncle? Why, we'd be up to our ears in aunts, for one thing, and that's no picnic. QUEEN I give up! I can't talk to you. The Queen starts to stand. Hamlet pushes her back down into her chair. HAMLET Oh no, you're going to take a good hard look at yourself and face the ugly truth. The Queen panics. QUEEN What are you going to do? You won't murder me? Help! Help me! POLONIUS (behind the arras) What? Help! Help! HAMLET How now! A rat! Hamlet stabs Polonius through the arras. POLONIUS (behind the arras) Oh, I am slain! Polonius falls and dies, still behind the arras. HAMLET Is that the King? Hamlet pulls aside the arras and discovers Polonius. HAMLET Oops. Well, I guess the joke's on me. I just killed the wrong man! I'll tell you what, Mom, you keep quiet about this to Claudius, and I won't tell him about the strange man hiding in your bedroom. QUEEN Oh what a rash and bloody deed is this! HAMLET Oh, so now you're going to blame all this on me! Some mother you are! If you hadn't married my uncle, none of this would have happened, and we could all be performing "The Merry Wives of Windsor" somewhere. Why couldn't you have stayed married to my father? My father! Now there's an ideal husband! QUEEN But your father is dead. HAMLET That's what I mean. He's quiet, undemanding, and you don't have to cook for him. But you preferred to marry a pig like Claudius and make him the new Danish King. Claudius! He's the cheesiest Danish I've ever seen. Aren't you ashamed? QUEEN Stop! I refuse to listen to another word! Enter the Ghost. HAMLET Now here's a King who knows how to rule! The Ghost takes out a yardstick and starts measuring things. HAMLET Hey, this is "Hamlet," not "Measure For Measure!" QUEEN Hamlet, what are you talking about? HAMLET I'm talking to him! Don't you see him? QUEEN Who? HAMLET She can't see you! The Ghost delights in the fact that the Queen can't see him. He goes over to her and makes a horrible face right in front of her. He's having a great time. HAMLET Yeah, you might as well enjoy yourself. QUEEN I'm not enjoying this one bit! The Ghost mimes an imitation of the Queen. HAMLET What a couple you two make! QUEEN What couple? There's only one of me. HAMLET Yeah, but you're shaped like a pear. The Ghost suddenly notices the corpse of Polonius. The Ghost is shocked. He turns to Hamlet for an explanation. HAMLET Yeah, I know. Say, it's too bad he didn't put the poison in your ear. Then everything would be fine. Are you sure Polonius didn't kill you? You're positive? The Ghost nods his head "yes." HAMLET That's too bad. I guess we owe him one. Maybe I could get Ophelia to pour some poison in Horatio's ear. That would even things up. The Ghost shakes his head "no," and mimes violence to Claudius. HAMLET Yeah, I guess I've still got to avenge your death. But after this you owe me a favor. Fair is fair. The Ghost nods "yes" and exits. QUEEN Hamlet, what are you talking about? HAMLET It's very simple, Mom. All I want is for you to behave yourself. Be a decent woman, the kind of mother a guy can be proud to take home to his girlfriend. That's all I'm asking. And stay away from Claudius! QUEEN But Claudius and I are married. HAMLET Exactly! He's a married man! Do you know how that looks? Do you? You and Claudius? Do you have any idea how that looks? QUEEN No, I do not! HAMLET Well, do you remember the two baboons we saw at the circus last year? Look, Mom, I know you don't mean to be bad. It's not your fault; you're just naturally rotten. Enter Horatio. HORATIO Hey, Hamlet, the King say you gotta pack. He's sending you to England with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. HAMLET Tell him I'd rather go to the French Riviera with Ophelia. HORATIO No, he says you've got to go to England. HAMLET Well, why not? I might as well get out of Denmark until this business with Polonius blows over. Horatio notices the corpse of Polonius for the first time. HORATIO Hey, he doesn't look so good. HAMLET Don't worry about him. It's just a slight case of death, that's all. There's a lot of it going around these days. HORATIO I hope it isn't catching. HAMLET Come on, help me drag this body out of here. Hamlet and Horatio begin to drag out the body of Polonius. HAMLET Indeed this counselor is now most still, most secret, and most grave, who was in life a foolish prating knave. Come, sir, to draw toward an end with you. Good night, mother. Exeunt Hamlet and Horatio, dragging Polonius. Exit the Queen. ************************************************** ACT IV Scene I Scene I takes place in a room in the castle. Enter the King and Queen. The Queen is obviously very upset. KING There's matter in these sighs. You must translate; 'tis fit we understand them. QUEEN My good lord, Hamlet in his madness has slain Polonius. KING He would have killed me, had I been there. Where has he gone? QUEEN To hide the body. KING Rosencrantz! Guildenstern! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern enter. KING Hamlet's killed Polonius. Find him, and bring the body to the chapel. ROSENCRANTZ But your majesty, don't you think it would be better if some armed guards or ... KING Find him and be quick about it! ROSENCRANTZ Yes, your majesty. Rosencrantz turns to Guildenstern as they start to leave. ROSENCRANTZ This is all your fault! If you hadn't played upon the pipe ... GUILDENSTERN (weeping) But I didn't want to play the pipe! Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, nervously stumbling and bumping into each other. KING Gertrude, we must discuss this matter further. Oh, come away. My soul is filled with discord and dismay. Exeunt. ************************************************** Scene II Scene II takes place in a passage in the castle. Enter Hamlet, who has just hidden the body of Polonius. HAMLET Safely stowed! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern call from off stage. ROSENCRANTZ (off stage) Hamlet! GUILDENSTERN (off stage) Lord Hamlet! HAMLET Who calls on Hamlet? Oh, here they come. Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, hesitantly. They are afraid of Hamlet. Rosencrantz speaks to Guildenstern. ROSENCRANTZ Now whatever you do, don't upset him! You know how irritable he's been lately. HAMLET Well? What do you two want? GUILDENSTERN Rosencrantz wants to ask you a question. ROSENCRANTZ Pardon us, your lordship, but we happened to overhear a certain rumor that a slight accident might have befallen Polonius, and we thought perhaps we might offer you our humble assistance to help you dispose of the ... earthly remains. If you have no objections, of course. HAMLET Sorry, boys, the body stays hidden. GUILDENSTERN Why don't you tell us where you hid it, so we can make sure we don't look for it there? HAMLET Bring me to the King. Exeunt. ************************************************** Scene III Scene III takes place in a room in the castle. Enter the King with ATTENDANTS. KING I have sent to seek him and to find the body. How dangerous is it that this man goes loose! Enter Rosencrantz. KING Well? Did you find the body? ROSENCRANTZ No, your majesty. He wouldn't tell us where it is. KING Then where is Hamlet? ROSENCRANTZ Guildenstern! Bring in Hamlet. Enter Guildenstern and Hamlet. KING Now, Hamlet, where's Polonius? HAMLET At supper. KING Supper? Where? HAMLET Not where he eats, but where he is eaten. By maggots. Do you realize that we fatten chickens and cows to fatten ourselves, and we fatten ourselves to fatten maggots. But who do the maggots fatten? It's time the maggots learned that there's no free lunch. So here's your bill for Polonius. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a maggot. KING Hamlet!!! Where is Polonius? HAMLET In heaven. You can send a messenger to find him. If he's not there, seek him in the other place yourself. If you don't find him in a month, you should be able to nose him out as you go up the stairs into the lobby. KING (to the Attendants) Go seek him there. HAMLET He will stay till you come. Exeunt the Attendants. KING Hamlet, I've arranged for you to go to England. I want you to leave at once! HAMLET Anything you say. To England! Farewell, Mother. KING I'm your uncle, Hamlet, and your step-father. HAMLET Well, why not take another step and be a mother. After all, father and mother are man and wife; man and wife are one flesh. You are one flesh aren't you? You look more like a flush. A royal flush, if you like. Hamlet turns to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and gestures for them to follow him. HAMLET Come, for England! Exit Hamlet. KING Follow him! And do not forget the commission I gave you! Deliver it to the English King! ROSENCRANTZ Don't worry, your majesty. We'll take care of everything. Come, Guildenstern. Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. KING My commission orders the present death of Hamlet. The King of England owes me a favor. Do it, England! Until I know my son-in- law is dead, I cannot rest easy. Exit the King. ************************************************** Scene IV Scene IV takes place on a plain in Denmark. Enter a CAPTAIN and several SOLDIERS from Fortinbras's army. Enter Hamlet, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. HAMLET Good sir, whose powers are these? CAPTAIN They are of Norway, sir, led by young Fortinbras. We await permission from the Danish King for our army to pass through his lands on the way to Poland. HAMLET What's in Poland? CAPTAIN The King of Norway would not permit young Fortinbras to attack Denmark, so we are attacking Poland instead. HAMLET What for? CAPTAIN Young Fortinbras hopes to gain a little patch of ground, that has no worth for farming or any other value, save as an excuse for the shedding of blood. HAMLET I see. CAPTAIN God be with you, sir. Exeunt the Captain and soldiers. ROSENCRANTZ Will you come, my lord? We have almost reached the harbor from whence we sail to England. HAMLET I'll be with you in a minute. I feel another soliloquy coming on. Exeunt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. HAMLET Twenty thousand men march to their graves for a worthless plot of land. Why can't I do anything that violent, or that funny? Everyone thinks young Fortinbras is a great prince because he's going to kill all those people, and all I've killed is old Polonius. Some leader I am! Of course, Young Fortinbras has an advantage -- he's got an entire army to sacrifice for a useless cause. Whose lives have I got to throw away? Re-enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. ROSENCRANTZ The boat awaits you, my lord. HAMLET Tell me, boys, how would you two like to serve your country? Exeunt. ************************************************** Scene V Scene V takes place in a room in the castle at Elsinore. Enter the King, the Queen and Horatio. QUEEN I will not see her. HORATIO I don't blame you. She's crazy. All she does is sing crazy songs all the time, and she's always telling everyone about her father's death, and how it's all your fault. KING What? You mean she is sewing discord among the people? HORATIO What cord? KING Discord! HORATIO What cord? KING Discord! HORATIO You keep saying, "dis cord," but I don't see any cord. KING I said she sews discord. HORATIO No, she doesn't sew any cords, but she plays some chords when she sings her crazy songs. She keeps acting crazy all the time. I've never seen anyone act so crazy. QUEEN Let her come in. We had better find out if she is stirring up trouble among the rabble. Horatio exits, and comes back with Ophelia, who seems to be doing an imitation of Hamlet, loping across the stage with a cigar in her mouth. She carries a lute, or a banjo, or some other stringed instrument. OPHELIA Where's the beauteous Queen of Denmark? There, if that doesn't convince you I'm crazy, nothing will! QUEEN Ophelia! OPHELIA Oh, feel - yaself! What kind of a name is Ophelia, anyway?? Is it any wonder the boys all think I'm easy? Oh well, easy come, easy go. She starts to strum on the musical instrument she carries. OPHELIA My first number is, "He Is Dead And Gone." She sings: OPHELIA He is dead and gone, lady, He is dead and gone. We did not want him dead and here, So he is dead and gone. KING She is distracted by her father's death. OPHELIA Let's not talk about that! My second number is called "Saint Valentine's Day." She sings: OPHELIA Tomorrow is Saint Valentine's Day, And as the sun did shine, I came, a maid, at your window, To be your valentine. Then up he rose, and donned his clothes, And opened wide the door, Let in the maid, and made the maid, So she was a maiden no more. By gosh, and by Saint Charity, Alack, and cry for shame! Young men will do it, if they can do it. By cock, they are to blame! Quoth she, "Before you tumbled me, You promised me to wed." He answers: "So would I have done, by yonder sun, If thou hadst not come to my bed." QUEEN Oh, poor Ophelia. OPHELIA I'm not finished yet! Ophelia continues her song: OPHELIA Quoth she, "That is hypocrisy, For you begged me into your bed! So marry me quick, or I'll cut off thy wick- Ed tongue!" And so they were wed! HORATIO Say, does she remind you of the man who comes to fix the sink? KING How long has she been like this? OPHELIA Tell me, do you think it's all right for a girl to marry a guy who's killed her father, or is that considered a breach of social etiquette? The guy who did it is a real son of a breach. I don't think my brother is going to like this. Maybe you should do something to make it up to him, like name him as your heir. Heir today, and gone tomorrow! Exit Ophelia. The King orders Horatio to follow her. KING Guard her closely! Keep a careful watch, I pray you. Her grief has driven her mad. HORATIO Don't worry. I'll guard her. Exit Horatio. KING This is all Hamlet's fault! First he went mad and spurned her love; then he killed her father; and now we have had to bury Polonius quietly and without ceremony. Worst of all, I have heard that Laertes has secretly returned from France, and the people have fed him vicious rumors about his father's death! Loud noises come from off stage. QUEEN What is this noise? Enter a MESSENGER. KING What's the matter? MESSENGER Laertes has returned. The people have welcomed him and they cry that they choose him for their king! I fear they will break down the doors! A crash of doors being broken open is heard off stage. Enter Laertes. LAERTES What has happened to my father? QUEEN Calm down, good Laertes! LAERTES First tell me what has happened to my father! If he was murdered, I must be revenged! That is my duty as his son! KING Believe me, Laertes, I am guiltless of thy father's death, and I grieve for him. When I tell you the whole story, you will see that you have no cause to blame me. Enter Ophelia, still doing a mad impersonation of Hamlet. This time, in addition to her musical instrument, she carries several large bunches of flowers. LAERTES Ophelia!!! Have you gone mad? Ophelia sings. OPHELIA And will he not come again? And will he not come again? They laid him deep in his grave, 'Cause his flesh was decayed, So he'd better not come again! She hits the King and Queen in their faces with flowers. OPHELIA Here, have some flowers! You too! Well, aren't you going to put them in water? Do you want them to rot, like my father? Go put them in water! The King and Queen exit with their flowers. Ophelia drops her feigned madness, and speaks quickly to her startled brother. OPHELIA Hush! I'm only feigning madness, and while I pretend, I stir up the angry populace, and prepare your path to the throne of Denmark! LAERTES But, Hamlet. . . OPHELIA Hamlet doesn't stand a chance anymore! It would surprise me if Claudius hasn't already arranged for his death. My only chance for power is to have you crowned King. LAERTES What are you going to do? OPHELIA I have arranged with my handmaidens to fake my own death. I will appear to have drowned, and the people will be so angered, and Claudius will feel so guilty, he must name you as heir to the throne. Once that is done, and they lay me in the ground for burial, you must leap into my grave and pray for me. I will revive as if it were by a miracle. LAERTES It may work! OPHELIA It is bound to work, if you play your part. Just make certain you claim my body as soon as you hear that I have drowned, and don't let anyone examine me too closely. The King re-enters, and Ophelia immediately goes back into her act of madness. OPHELIA I thought I'd marry Hamlet and be a Queen someday, but then my father died and he left me a poor orphaned waif. I was hoping he'd leave me some money. Oh well, where's there's a will, there's a waif. Time for me to waif good-bye. Waif not, want not! Good night! Good night! Good-bye. Exit Ophelia. KING Laertes, you must come with me, and I will explain to you everything about your father's death, and when I am done you will understand it was no fault of mine. I pray you, come with me. Exeunt. ************************************************** Scene VI Scene VI takes place in another room in the castle. Enter Horatio. A SAILOR follows him in. HORATIO What? The SAILOR hands a letter to Horatio. SAILOR Good Horatio, I have a letter for you from Prince Hamlet. Horatio takes the letter, and studies it intently without saying a word. Then he hands it back to the sailor. HORATIO What's it say? SAILOR Can't you read? I thought you were a great scholar at the university at Wittenberg. HORATIO Sure, at Wittenberg, but this is Denmark! SAILOR All right, the letter says, " Dear Horatio, It's great to be in England. Unfortunately, I'm in Denmark. Two days out at sea, we were savagely attacked by a band of pirates, freebooters, and a dozen Shakespearean scholars. The fighting was fierce, and we were badly outnumbered, so I drew my sword and joined the other side. Before I knew it, the boats had split up again, and I was stuck with the scholars. After making me promise never to perform "King Lear," they let me off on the shore of Denmark. Please have this sailor bring you to me. I have much to tell you, including the fates of Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and King Lear. No, just kidding. Nothing about King Lear. Your friend, Hamlet." HORATIO OK, take me to Hamlet. Exeunt. ************************************************** Scene VII Scene VII takes place in another room in the castle. Enter the King and Laertes. KING Now must your conscience my acquaintance seal, and you must put me in your heart as friend. LAERTES But why haven't you done anything to Hamlet? KING I have, Laertes, but craftily, so that I will not be blamed for his death by the Queen, or by the Danish people, who for some reason unknown to me, like the Prince. But set your mind to rest; even as we speak, Hamlet has surely me his death, executed by the King of England. Enter a MESSENGER. KING How now? What news? MESSENGER A sailor has brought a letter to you from Hamlet. KING What???? The King takes the letter from the Messenger and reads it. KING He's back in Denmark, I know not how! LAERTES Then is he to go unpunished, and someday follow you to the throne? KING Laertes, how would you like to follow me? Help me to be rid of Hamlet, and the succession is thine. LAERTES Say on, good King. KING We must plan his death carefully. I know that Hamlet is most jealous of your skill as a swordsman. You shall have a sporting match with him. We will arrange that Hamlet's sword shall be blunted, as befits a friendly duel, but your sword shall be unbated so that you may, as if it were by accident, run him through. LAERTES I'll do it. And what is more, to make certain his death, I'll anoint my sword with a deadly poison, so that even if I do but scratch him, he must die. KING And I'll prepare a chalice of poisoned wine for him to drink, so that if he should escape your envenomed blade, our purpose will hold. LAERTES And should that fail, I will arrange a chandelier to fall upon him! KING And I will build a trap door above a pit of hungry crocodiles so that... No, on second thought, let's just stick with the envenomed sword and the poisoned wine. That should be sufficient to ensure his death. There's no point in overdoing it. They shake hands. Enter the Queen. She is very upset. KING How now, sweet Queen! QUEEN Your sister's drowned, Laertes! LAERTES Drowned! QUEEN There is a willow which grows beside a brook. Ophelia went there to pick flowers. She was holding onto a branch which broke, and sent her tumbling into the brook. In her madness she did not even try to save herself, but sang snatches of old tunes as she sank beneath the surface of the brook. When her handmaidens pulled her out, they said she was dead. Laertes pretends to be overcome with grief. LAERTES Drowned. Abruptly, Laertes ends his act and says good-bye to the King. LAERTES Adieu, my lord. Exit Laertes. KING Let's follow, Gertrude! How much I had to do to calm his rage! Now fear I this will give it start again; therefore let's follow. Exeunt. *********************************************************************** Act V Scene I Scene I takes place in a cemetery in a churchyard in Elsinore. There is a deep grave which is almost completed. Enter a GRAVEDIGGER who starts to finish digging the grave. Enter Hamlet and Horatio. HAMLET I will speak to this fellow. Whose grave's this, sirrah? GRAVEDIGGER Mine, sir. HAMLET I think it be thine indeed, for thou liest in it. Hamlet turns and speaks to the audience. HAMLET Well, what do you want from a joke that's over 350 years old? GRAVEDIGGER I don't lie. I have dug the grave, and so therefore it is mine. HAMLET What man do you dig it for? GRAVEDIGGER For no man, sir. HAMLET What woman then? GRAVEDIGGER For none neither. HAMLET Then who is to be buried in it? GRAVEDIGGER One that was a woman, sir; but rest her soul, she's dead. HAMLET I think you'd better dig some graves for these jokes. How long have you been a gravedigger? GRAVEDIGGER I started this occupation the day our late King Hamlet overcame old Fortinbras. That was the day Prince Hamlet was born. The Gravedigger continues digging the grave. He comes upon a skull, and tosses it out of the grave. GRAVEDIGGER This graveyard's getting crowded. This skull has been in the earth a long time. HAMLET Whose was it? GRAVEDIGGER That was Yorick's skull, the King's jester. Hamlet picks up the skull and looks at it sadly. He speaks somberly. In fact, this is the only time in the entire play when Hamlet is completely and genuinely serious. HAMLET Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio. A funny little man with a derby hat and a bamboo cane. He wore a jacket that was too small and shoes that were too large. He used to walk a splayfooted walk, all the while twirling his cane. And he had a tiny little mustache which he used to twitch back and forth when he was upset. He was a funny little man. And the last time I saw him, he was a pink- faced, white-haired old man who kept patting my hand and saying, "Keep warm. Keep warm." It doesn't seem fair that the comedians should have to die, just like everyone else. Suddenly Hamlet is no longer serious. HAMLET Oh well. He casually tosses the skull over his shoulder and kicks it away (just as Yorick would have done). Hamlet hears people approaching from off stage. HAMLET But soft! Here comes the King, the Queen, and the courtiers. Let's hide and see what's going on. Hamlet and Horatio hide behind some gravestones. Enter the King, Queen, Laertes and COURTIERS. They carry the body of Ophelia wrapped in a shroud. The body remains covered by the shroud throughout the entire scene, so we never actually see the body of Ophelia. LAERTES Lay my sister's body in the earth, and from her fair and unpolluted flesh may violets spring! The body of Ophelia is gently placed in the grave. HAMLET What? Is that Ophelia? QUEEN Farewell, Ophelia. I had hoped you would have been my Hamlet's bride. I thought to have decked your bridal bed with flowers, instead of thy grave. LAERTES Speak not the hated name of Hamlet! His wicked deed has caused her death! The Gravedigger prepares to shovel dirt into the grave. LAERTES Wait! Hold off the earth awhile, till I have caught her once more in my arms. Laertes climbs down into the grave. LAERTES Oh heaven, I would give up my newly-granted claim of succession to the throne, to be buried with her now. Hamlet springs up from his hiding place. HAMLET Hey! Get out of that grave! If anyone has a right to give up the throne to be buried with her, it is I, Hamlet the Dane! Hamlet leaps into the grave. There is a horrible crunching sound as he lands, and perhaps a moan from Ophelia. LAERTES Get off my sister! You just jumped onto my sister! Laertes pushes Hamlet off of the body of Ophelia. LAERTES Ophelia! Laertes grabs the body. Hamlet tries to pull it away, banging the body against the sides of the grave. There are faint muffled cries coming from the shroud, but no one notices them. HAMLET Give her back! Laertes and Hamlet have a vicious tug-of-war with the body. Suddenly, Hamlet lets go, and the body slams into the side of the grave with a sickening thud. HAMLET OK! OK, I can tell when I'm not welcome. Hamlet climbs out of the grave and exits. Laertes peeks inside the shroud and shudders. He angrily turns to the gravedigger. LAERTES You might as well go ahead and bury her now! She's dead. Laertes exits sadly. KING Gertrude, we must set some watch over your son! Exeunt. ************************************************** Scene II Scene II takes place in a hall in the castle. Enter Hamlet and Horatio. HAMLET So much for this. You do remember all the circumstance? HORATIO Sure. Your father, he's a ghost, so you go crazy. Then you put on a play, but your uncle doesn't like it, so you kill Polonius. His daughter Ophelia wants to marry you, but you go to England with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, so she drowns herself. HAMLET Is that what's been happening? I certainly am lucky to have you around to explain these things to me. Anyway, let me tell you what happened to me on the voyage to England. The first night on the ship I couldn't sleep, so I decided to get something to read. What I decided to get was the commission which Claudius had given to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. I snuck into their cabin and took the commission. It wasn't very interesting until I got to the part that said that for the good of England and of Denmark, and for the peace that stands between them, without delay, Prince Hamlet's head should be cut off!!! HORATIO Was that the most interesting part? HAMLET I thought so. Didn't you think it was interesting? Horatio is undecided. HORATIO Well ... HAMLET I know the writing was a little flat, so I decided to make a few revisions. I rewrote the commission so that it said that for the good of England and of Denmark, and for the peace that stands between them, without delay, Hamlet should be given lots of money and beautiful naked women. Hamlet smiles proudly at Horatio. HAMLET Don't you think that's better? HORATIO Why didn't you say Horatio should get the money and women? Then you'd have something! HAMLET You mean you'd have something! I put the commission back in Rosencrantz's and Guildenstern's cabin. Unfortunately, the next day we were attacked by pirates, and I never got to England. Oh, I almost forgot, ... I did make one other small change in the commission, it's hardly worth mentioning, really. HORATIO What was that? HAMLET I told the English King to have Rosencrantz and Guildenstern put to death. Horatio looks accusingly at Hamlet, who looks a little embarrassed. HAMLET Well, they deserved it, spying on me for Claudius! Anyway, this kind of thing suits them. I can just imagine their reaction when they find out what the commission says. I can see them in my mind's eye.... Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern with the English EXECUTIONER. ROSENCRANTZ Well, Guildenstern, here's another fine mess you've gotten me into. Guildenstern starts weeping. He tries to speak through his tears. GUILDENSTERN But I didn't do anything! I.... The English Executioner leads them off stage. HORATIO Hey, who's that coming? HAMLET Oh, that's just Osric, the courtier. Enter OSRIC, a young courtier. OSRIC Your lordship is welcome back to Denmark. I bring word from the King. He proposes to place a wager on a friendly, sporting duel between yourself and young Laertes. The King shall wager that in a dozen passes of the sword, Laertes shall not exceed you by three hits. HORATIO Hey, that's good! That sounds like fun. HAMLET You think so? All right, tell the King I'll do it, any time he's ready. OSRIC I shall tell him, my lord. Exit Osric. Horatio also exits, and Hamlet calls out after him. HAMLET Hey, where are you going? HORATIO To place a bet against you. Exit Horatio. HAMLET It's nice to have the confidence of your friends. There's something that bothers me about this duel. My stepfather, who's already tried to kill me once, has set up a fencing match with Laertes, who also hates me. But Horatio seems to think the match is a good idea, which means I must be crazy to agree to it! But what will come will come. The readiness is all. And I don't think I'm ready yet!!! Enter the King, Queen, Laertes, Osric and various other Courtiers and Attendants. A moment later Horatio enters, having placed his bet. KING Come, Hamlet, come and take this hand from me. The King gives Laertes' hand to Hamlet. They shake hands. HAMLET Laertes, I want you to know that I'm sorry I killed your father and caused the death of your sister, but I'll forgive and forget if you will. LAERTES (coldly) I am satisfied. HAMLET Then let's play the match. Give us the foils. KING Give them the foils, young Osric. Osric brings Hamlet and Laertes two identical, bated fencing foils. Laertes and Hamlet each take one. LAERTES This is too heavy for me. Let me see another. Osric takes Laertes' foil, and goes off stage to get another one. HAMLET This one seems OK. Osric re-enters with a huge unbated sword for Laertes. It is much larger than Hamlet's sword. Laertes takes the giant, deadly sword and takes a practice lunge. LAERTES Yes, that's better. HAMLET Say, are these weapons all of the same length? OSRIC Of course, my lord. HAMLET I just wanted to make sure mine wasn't longer. I'd hate to have an unfair advantage. KING Very well. Let the match begin! Hamlet and Laertes fence. Hamlet is fairly fast and agile, and his footwork is unique. He manages to avoid being hit by Laertes' sword. HAMLET You know, Laertes, you should play Horatio sometime. He's an expert on fencing. He'll fence anything he can get his hands on. Hamlet manages to hit Laertes. HAMLET One! LAERTES No. HAMLET Judgment? OSRIC A hit, a very palpable hit. The King offers Hamlet the poisoned chalice of wine. KING Congratulations, Hamlet. Here is a chalice of wine for your refreshment. HAMLET Nice try, Claudius, but it won't work. KING What do you mean, Hamlet? HAMLET I know what you're up to, trying to get me drunk! I'm staying sober for this match! Hamlet and Laertes fence. Hamlet scores another hit. HAMLET Another hit! What say you? LAERTES A touch, a touch, I do confess it. The Queen takes the poisoned chalice. QUEEN I drink to thy good fortune, Hamlet. KING Gertrude, do not drink! QUEEN I will, my lord; I pray you pardon me. She drinks. The King speaks quietly to himself. KING It is the poisoned cup; it is too late. HAMLET Come, Laertes. They fence for a while, but no one is hit. They pause. OSRIC Nothing ether way. LAERTES Have at you now! Suddenly, Laertes stabs at Hamlet before the match has started again. Hamlet is scratched by the envenomed sword. HAMLET That was an unthrustworthy attack! They start to fence again in earnest. Laertes drops his sword. Hamlet exchanges swords with him. Hamlet wounds Laertes. Suddenly, the Queen falls. OSRIC Look to the Queen! KING She swoons to see them bleed. QUEEN No, no, the drink, the drink, -- Oh, my dear Hamlet, -- the drink, the drink -- Hamlet picks up the chalice and offers it to her. HAMLET You want a drink? QUEEN I am poisoned! She dies. HAMLET What??? Laertes falls. LAERTES Hamlet, thou art slain. HAMLET Don't be ridiculous! This is a comedy! LAERTES Thou art slain! The treacherous instrument is in thy hand, unbated and envenomed. Thy mother's poisoned. The King, the King's to blame! Hamlet is furious. He turns to face Claudius. HAMLET Thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane, I'll kill you now!!! However, before Hamlet can act, he starts thinking again. HAMLET But which shall I use, the envenomed sword or the poisoned drink? The sword would be more bloody and more certain, but it would seem too like an honorable soldier's death. The poison is a more ignominious end, but there is little left, and how can I be sure he'd drink it down. On the other hand, maybe I shouldn't kill him at all, now that his treachery is known to all, but let him live on in disgrace, until the people do .... Everyone who is still alive yells at Hamlet. ALL Kill him already! Make up your mind and kill him!!! HAMLET Oh, what the hell! Hamlet stabs Claudius with the envenomed sword, and at the same time pours the poisoned drink down his throat. Claudius dies. LAERTES He is justly served. Exchange forgiveness with me, noble Hamlet! I blame you not for mine and my father's death. Blame me not for thine! Laertes dies. Hamlet collapses, and Horatio goes to him. HAMLET I am dying, Horatio. I'd always hoped the ending would be funnier than this. HORATIO You want me to tell some jokes? HAMLET I didn't think I'd die, as long as I kept this a comedy. Maybe killing Rosencrantz and Guildenstern wasn't such a funny idea after all. Horatio, how is it that you're the only major character to survive? The only one in the entire play? HORATIO It's funny you should ask. I didn't think I was gonna live. In fact, I was so sure I was gonna die, I bet this guy named Will Shakespeare 200 kroner that I'd die before the play was over, and what do you think happens? I lose the bet! Just my luck, huh? HAMLET The rest is silence. Hamlet dies. The sound of military drums comes from off stage. HORATIO Hey, what's that noise? Osric runs off stage to find out. He returns. OSRIC Young Fortinbras, with conquest comes from Poland. Enter YOUNG FORTINBRAS and some of his soldiers. Young Fortinbras has a ski-slope shaped nose, and speaks with rapid-fire delivery. FORTINBRAS Hi, this is Young "Happy To Be Back In Denmark" Fortinbras, and I gotta tell you, I thought I'd seen bloodshed in Poland, but this is ridiculous. I was going to give the Danish court a twenty-one gun salute, but it looks like someone beat me to it. You know, a funny thing happened on the way to the castle. I ran into the English Ambassador, and he told me that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. I said, "Who isn't?" But I love Elsinore, it's gotta be the only place on Earth where they built a moat to protect the people outside from the violence inside the castle. But seriously, folks, such a sight as this becomes the field, but here shows much amiss. Go bid the soldiers shoot. Exeunt, bearing off the dead bodies; after which a peal of ordinance is shot off. ************************************************** THE END copyright 1995 by Richard Nathan You can sent the author e-mail inquiries at: Richard-Nathan@worldnet.att.net. or at: SWSS18A@prodigy.com