WHERE'S ERIC? A play for stage by Wayne Anthoney. April 1997 CAST ERIC GODOT - An administrator MARIA KOWALSKI - Godot's secretary ROGER CHATWIN - A colleague of Godot ROSA MACINTOSH - Mother of Vladimir THREE PEOPLE (1f, 2m) - who play various trios of characters. Person 1 is female. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ERIC GODOT IS A PATHETIC, HIGHLY PAID, SELF-IMPORTANT FAILURE. THE AUDIENCE SHOULD FEEL SORRY FOR HIM. THERE IS AN OFFICE. BARE EXCEPT FOR A NASTY DESK AND CHAIR, FOUR PHONES, FILING CABINET A METAL LOCKER NEAR THE DOOR AND, ON THE WALL, A NASTY PRINT OF A DESERT-BLASTED TREE, BARE AND DEAD. (LATER THERE WILL BE LEAVES ON IT.) THROUGH A SINGLE SMALL AND DIRTY WINDOW, A GREY LIGHT FALLS; OUTSIDE IT IS RAINING. THERE IS A PILE OF RAGGED PAPER PARCELS IN ONE CORNER. THE TIME IS VAGUELY SOMEWHERE IN THE FUTURE. THERE IS A LARGE CLOCK ON THE WALL, STOPPED AT 4.45. THE CLOCK IS VERY IMPORTANT AND SHOULD BE PROMINENT. ** ANOTHER POSSIBILITY IS THAT THE CLOCK MIGHT ADVANCE VERY SLOWLY, SAY AT A TENTH OF NORMAL SPEED. THUS IF THE CLOCK WERE READING 4.45 WHEN THE PLAY OPENED, IT MIGHT READ 5.05 TWO HOURS LATER, AT THE END.THIS COULD BE ACCOMPLISHED WITH A DIGITAL CLOCK IN THE FORM OF A COMPUTER SCREEN. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ FIRST CYCLE GODOT IS WORKING METHODICALLY BUT URGENTLY AT HIS DESK. READING, SIGNING PAPERS. AFTER A MINUTE OR TWO, HE GOES TO THE FILING CABINET, PUTS A FILE IN, SEARCHES FOR ANOTHER, RETURNS TO DESK. A LIGHT TAP AT THE DOOR.MARIA ENTERS, PLACES SEVERAL LARGE FILES ON DESK, TAKES SMALL QUANTITY OF PAPERS FROM OUT TRAY, EXITS. GODOT WORKS, STEADILY SHUFFLING PAPERS. FILING, SORTING, MUTTERING TO HIMSELF. HE GLANCES AT THE CLOCK, MUTTERS. MARIA RUNS IN WITHOUT KNOCKING, SEARCHES FOR A PAPER, FINDS IT, EXITS. THE PACE BUILDS SLIGHTLY. GODOT DARTS TO THE FILING CABINET, TO INSERT SOME PAPERS OR TO GET SOME OUT. THIS CONTINUES FOR SEVERAL MINUTES. THE PHONE RINGS; GODOT PICKS IT UP AND REPLACES IT WITHOUT ANSWERING. AN AMBULANCE IS HEARD IN A STREET BELOW. AFTER TWO MINUTES MORE, HE SPEAKS. TO HIMSELF AT FIRST, THEN GRADUALLYINCLUDING THE AUDIENCE. GODOT: (LEAFS THROUGH A SHEAF OF PAPERS, RECITING NAMES) It's cold in here. Hh. Flinders and Gorman...Morris, Partridge and Waverley, Anatole and Valentine...yesss...Richards. On his own. Funny. Ivanovich and Denton...Vladimir and Estragon...Smith and Field. I like the name "Field". An anagram of the word "filed". Well, I like anagrams. Add the letter "e", rearrange...defile! Which in turn means to spoil, as in deflowering, or alternatively a narrow valley. (GOES TO CABINET. PUTS PAPERS IN, SHUTS DRAWER, OPENS ANOTHER, TAKES MORE OUT. RETURNS TO DESK, PEERING AT PAPERS.) Yesss....Pending confirmation...(PUTS PAPERS IN A TRAY) Beckwith. Anglo-Saxon. Levi....German, ha ha...German! (PHONE RINGS. HE PICKS IT UP, REPLACES IT WITHOUT ANSWERING.) Maria! (MORE PAPERS TO CABINET, MORE OUT. LOOKS AT CLOCK) Whoops, four forty five. Have to go in a couple of minutes. Western Childrens Circus...will have to wait. Better still, (TEARS PAPERS IN HALF, TOSSES IN BIN)...sorry, didn't see it. Sure you sent it in? (PICKS A PAPER FROM A TRAY, READS, SEARCHES BRIEFLY FOR A PEN, FINDS ONE, SIGNS, PUTS IN ANOTHER TRAY.) Cold! I want to go home. MARIA ENTERS WITH SOME LETTERS, WAITS. GODOT: Have I eaten my lunch? MARIA: You had lunch in the boardroom, Mr. Godot. GODOT: Yes, I did. What was that meeting, again? MARIA: Funding infrastructure resource devolution and re-evaluation sub- committee. GODOT: Ye gods. (HOLDS UP HANDFULS OF PAPERS) Look at these. I mean, I've been filing and sorting and arranging all day and now there's more than yesterday. Too much to do! MARIA: Yes, if you'd just sign these for me, and then you'll be in plenty of time for your appointment. GODOT: Right, give them here...where's my pen? (SCRABBLES AROUND FOR A PEN. SOME FILES FALL TO THE FLOOR) I had it, it was here in my hand...have you got a pen? (THIS DEVELOPS INTO A PUBLIC SERVANT-TYPE FUSS.) MARIA: I gave you two pens yesterday! We'll have to have a pen budget soon. They must be here somewhere. GODOT: Well where are they? Show them to me! MARIA: I don't know! GODOT: I can't spend all day looking for pens. Run and get me another one. MARIA: (HEADING FUSSILY TOWARD DOOR) Ohhh... GODOT: Maria? MARIA: Yes? GODOT: Get me a green one. MARIA: A green one. (EXITS) GODOT: It's a madhouse. Where do all the pens go? Ay? GODOT DOES SOME FILE SHIFTING, FROM DESK TO IN OR OUT TRAY OR FILING CABINET AND BACK, AT THE END OF WHICH, NOTHING HAS CHANGED. MARIA RETURNS WITH A PEN. MARIA: It's blue. GODOT: I said green. MARIA: I know, I know, green's run out. GODOT: I mean, that's just typical of the breakdown in service...oh, to hell. Where are your papers? MARIA: I put them there. (POINTS TO DESK.) GODOT: Well, I don't see them there. Are these the ones? MARIA: No, they had a red crest on the top...I put them there. GODOT: Oh, for God's sake...look at the time! I'm just trying to get some ORDER in here! MARIA SCRABBLES THROUGH FILES, LOOKS IN FILING CABINET; GODOT DOESSIMILAR. A PHONE RINGS. GODOT LIFTS AND REPLACES IT WITHOUT ANSWERING.MARIA IS TRIUMPHANT, PULLING PAPERS OUT OF A FILE AT BACK OF CABINET. MARIA: Hah! GODOT: Oh thank god for that. God knows how they got in there. Now, where's the pen? Where's the pen! I had it in my hand! A DOORKNOCK IS HEARD. MARIA: Oh....(EXITS.) GODOT: (TO AUDIENCE) Did anyone see where I put the pen! Is everybody stark raving blind? MARIA: (ENTERS) Mr. Godot, there's a woman to see you. GODOT: What? How did she through security? MARIA: She seems very determined. GODOT: Well I don't want to see a woman! I can't see a woman, I'm supposed to go! I can't let them down again, I mustn't! God knows, I've tried. Every bloody day something intervenes. Well, not today! MARIA: It's Mr. Vladimir's mother, sir. GODOT: Vladimir's mother. Look at the time! Four forty five! (CRUMPLES INTO CHAIR.) Show her in. (MARIA EXITS BRIEFLY) GODOT: Vladimir's mother! How could he have a mother, for God's sake! What's his surname? (OPENS DRAWER, PULLS OUT CARD INDEX, RIFLES FEVERISHLY THROUGH IT. MARIA RETURNS, STARTLING HIM; HE SLAMS LID DOWN.) MARIA: This is Mr. Godot. ROSA ENTERS SLOWLY IN A BLACK CLOAK, SOAKING WET AND PUFFING, HAVING CLIMBED SEVERAL FLIGHTS OF STAIRS. GODOT STIFFENS, HALF RISES. ROSA STOPSAT OTHER SIDE OF DESK, RUMMAGES BENEATH HER CLOAK. GODOT RAISES ARMS TO PROTECT HIMSELF FROM AN IMAGINED WEAPON. ROSA IS OF MATURE YEARS, ATTRACTIVE. HAS A SLAVIC ACCENT. GODOT: No, no... ROSA: (PUTTING FORMLESS PAPER PARCEL ON DESK) Hello Eric. It's been a long time. GODOT FREEZES. ROSA: Yes...a lot of water under the bridge. GODOT: That voice....You know me? ROSA: Casa del Sol, 1956. Room twenty three. Knock twice and ask for Rosa. GODOT: You're joking. Oh, Rosa. My little Rosa. GODOT COMES AROUND DESK, ARMS OUT. ROSA BACKS AWAY. GODOT: Let me look at you again; little Rosie... ROSA: (Bitterly) Yes, your little Rosie. Whom you left alone and penniless, and with child.... GODOT: With child! (PAUSE) Vladimir is my son! ROSA: No! Your son was stillborn. As you should have been, Eric Godot, oh I wish to God! I have four sons living, all with different fathers. It's the times, isn't it? If you wanted to be a modern woman. GODOT: Yes..yes.. ROSA: My Vladimir who waits for you, he's big now, a big boy. A big fat boy. Fat and slow. And not without his problems, you know, but I love him. They lied, those police, they were liars. They fitted him up. He would never do those things. It was Estragon, his best friend Estragon who did those things. GODOT: The things? ROSA: With the little boys. Never Vladimir. Some friend, that Estragon. I heard on the grapevine, you have some news for them. Why have you not been to see him! Why! Why! You are breaking their hearts, and my heart! At last we are so desperate that I have the courage to come and face you, face to face! GODOT: And what a surprise, and a delight. And yes, as it happens. I have been trying very hard to make the time. Ask Maria! Er..some good news, and some not so good... ROSA: The bad news for Estragon. He's excrement. The good news for my Vladimir! When will you go! GODOT: You wouldn't believe the trouble I'm having; it's very high on my list of priorities. I'm leaving immediately. But look at these papers! More than yesterday! And the meetings, my God, the meetings! And I have to walk, you know, that's part of the problem...it's almost an hour on foot; where does a person in my position get a spare hour? And then there's the hour to walk back again! In the dark! ROSA: I'm asking a favour of you, take this to Vladimir. (INDICATING PARCEL) Not to Estragon. I don't want to hear that bastard got a single one of these. GODOT: I'm not a messenger, I'm an administrator. I have meetings, I talk on the telephone, I don't carry parcels! What the hell is it? ROSA: It's food. It's carrots. I know he's very short of food, particularly good root vegetables. Well they're hard to get. And he's had to wait for so long. GODOT: Carrots! Take them yourself, for God's sake. ROSA: I can't do that. You know our people can't do that. (MORE SIRENS HEARD OUTSIDE IN THE DISTANCE) GODOT: (Aside) She wants me to take the fool a packet of carrots. She's as mad as he is. A BELL RINGS LOUDLY. GODOT: Ah, look at the time. Almost five! It's too late now, I'll have to go tomorrow. (HAPPILY BUSTLING, PUTTING THINGS AWAY) Rosa, you've made me late, but no matter. They can wait another day. (RUBS HIS BROW, PAUSES, SIGHS.) I remember you used to like a brandy; shall we have a little drink? ROSA: It's been fifteen years since I had a little drink. GODOT: Ah, you don't imbibe. Well well...things HAVE changed! ROSA: Fifteen years since I had the price of even a glass of cat's piss! What do you think of that? GODOT: Yes, well then...come in Maria. GODOT QUICKLY OPENS DOOR AND MARIA FALLS IN; SHE HAS BEEN LISTENING OUTSIDE. GODOT: Come in, if you want to listen. Go and tell Mr. Vladimir and Mr. Estragon that I have been detained, that I am most deeply apologetic, circumstances completely beyond my control, will most definitely see them at my first opportunity tomorrow. Tell them I will surely come tomorrow. MARIA: Mr Godot! It's a disgrace! GODOT: What can I do? Look at the time! Quarter to five! MARIA: It's always the same thing! GODOT: It is not the same thing, it's always some different frigging thing! Maria, I will make it up to them. And to you. Now, please. (MARIA EXITS, SLAMMING DOOR.) ROSA: That's why this floor is covered in slime, because you're a slug! At least you could send a man to make your excuse!. It's not for a woman out there. GODOT: I can have you lobotomised! I am Eric Godot, the administrator, I can have you put away! No, no, I wouldn't. I couldn't do that. (WEARILY) Anyway she has a disguise. She dresses as a man. ROSA: She dresses as a man! GODOT: Well, sort of. More as a boy. ROSA: She dresses as a boy! (A PAUSE, THEN SHE STARTS TO LAUGH) And how does she report on the behavior of Mr. Estragon? Ha ha ha...does Mr Estragon fiddle with her arse? Does Mr. Estragon scrutinize for her non-existent willy? Ha ha ha...surely he's worked it out by now! (LAUGHING TURNS TO A COUGHING FIT. HER DENTURES SHOOT OUT; SHE PUTS THEM BACK.) Give me a drink! GODOT: That is what I had in mind. You're still a fine looking woman, Rosa. ROSA: My teeth are loose. I've got loose teeth. Why can't we get vitamins any more? GODOT REACHES INTO BACK OF FILING CABINET AND PRODUCES BOTTLE AND GLASSES. KNOCK AT THE DOOR. ENTER ROGER, A DEPARTMENTAL IDIOT. ROGER: Eric, can I have a word? GODOT: Roger. Good to see you. Just about to call you. Ha ha, you've saved me a phone call! ROGER LAUGHS HEARTILY. GODOT: Rosa, this is Roger Chatwin from downstairs. Roger, Rosa... ROSA: Rosa McIntosh. GODOT: Rosa McIntosh. ROSA: My last man was an English Scotsman, and he was a bastard too, the same as you! ROSA STARTS PACING THE ROOM IN INCREASING AGITATION. ROGER: Is she talking to me? GODOT: No, me. ROGER: That's alright. (UNDER BREATH) I thought she was looking at me. GODOT: She has those Slavic eyes, you can't tell. God, I loved her once. ROGER: Ha ha, you old bastard! Still waters! Well! GODOT: Now she's got false teeth. I can't believe it. Didn't we pass a law against false teeth? ROSA FLOPS AT GODOT'S DESK, DOODLES AGITATEDLY WITH THIS AND THAT.MARIA ENTERS IN SHORT PANTS, BOOTS, BRACES AND CAP. GOES TO DESK,RUMMAGES, FINDS A FILE. ROSA HISSES AT HER. GODOT: Don't forget a bit of dirt. Bit of dirt? (INDICATES FACE.) ROSA: You're a bit of dirt. You're a shit-pile of dirt. Ha ha ha.. MARIA: Dirt. Right. (SMARTLY PICKS UP RUBBISH BIN BY DESK, EMPTIES IT OVER HERSELF. SOMETHING NASTY DRIBBLES DOWN HER HEAD. MARCHES TO DOOR.) ROGER: (WITH INTEREST) Who's THAT young chap? GODOT: Maria. Disguise. Making my excuse...ah, making AN excuse...no, ( WAVES HAND IN SOME VAGUE DIRECTION. HOLDS DRINK OUT TO ROGER) Off to play charades. Here. MARIA CLICKS HEELS, SALUTES AND EXITS. GODOT: (CALLING AFTER MARIA) Good luck! And may the best man win! ROGER: Gor! ROSA: I think they don't call you Roger for nothing. ROGER: What? Ah. (TAKING A DRINK, TRIES TO DRAG GODOT OUT OF EARSHOT OF ROSA.) Thanks, look I have to have a word. There's been a complaint of incompetence. GODOT: Nice drop, isn't it? ROGER: A complaint of incompetence. GODOT: The nuns of Aberfoyle squeeze each grape individually between their cheeks. ROGER: What? GODOT: It says so on the label, look.... ROGER: A complaint of incompetence... GODOT: Ah, come on! We have complaints of incompetence all the time! We're administrators! ROGER: This one is a legal complaint, Eric. ROSA: Eric once had an illegal complaint. It was the crabs. He gave them to me for my birthday. ROGER: Can you ask her to leave? GODOT: I was just about to. Rosa.... ROSA: Yes, Eric? I'm helping you with your paper work. ROSA HAS SET FIRE TO A PILE OF PAPERS ON THE DESK. GODOT: Oh Christ, we're on fire. GODOT AUTOMATICALLY RACES TO WALL, HITS A RED BUTTON. A VERY LOUD ALARM STARTS UP. GODOT AND ROGER GOTO A CUPBOARD AND PUT ON BREATHING APPARATUS AND YELLOW RAINCOATS. ROSA STANDS AND STARTS SINGING THE MARSELLAISE. THREE FIREMEN CLAD IN BREATHING APPARATUS AND YELLOW RAINCOATS RUN IN AND PUT OUT THE BLAZE WITH FOAM EXTINGUISHERS, AND A LOT OF MACHO SHOUTING AND RUNNING AROUND. PANDEMONIUM SUBSIDES. FIREMEN ARE ABOUT TO EXIT; GODOT AND ROGER REMOVE MASKS AND JACKETS. GODOT: Wait a minute. Take this woman with you and escort her out of the building. And don't let her in again. FIREMAN 1: It's not our job. FIREMAN 2: We just put out fires. FIREMAN 3: You need sss..ecurity people for that.. (WHEN FIREMAN 3 STAMMERS, ALL OTHERS FREEZE, POLITELY WAITING FOR HIM TO FINISH.) GODOT: Here's ten dollars. FIREMAN 2: We'll do it. FIREMEN EXIT WITH ROSA WHO IS STILL SINGING. THEY JOIN IN. ONE OF THEM HAS GODOT'S BRANDY BOTTLE. GODOT LOOKS AROUND, CAN'T FIND BOTTLE, GOES TO FILING CABINET, GETS ANOTHER. TAKES A LARGE SWIG. ROGER: Not hitting that too hard, are we? GODOT: Me? Nah. Look at that. (HOLDS HAND OUT TO SHOW ABSENCE OF TREMORS.) ROGER: Right. A lawsuit. (PRODUCES A SHEAF OF PAPERS FROM POCKET.) GODOT: More papers. Throw 'em on the pile! Gah! GODOT SEES ROSA'S PARCEL ON DESK, DARTS TO IT, THROWS IT ON THE PILE OF SIMILAR PARCELS IN THE CORNER. ROGER: (READS) Company called Findem, Floggem and Farkham, acting on behalf of Messrs Anatole and Valentine, claim this department to be guilty of gross dereliction of duty, in that their clients have been waiting to hear the result of their funding application for a far longer time than would be considered reasonable by any rational person or authority... GODOT: Stupid. ROGER: ..and furthermore that officers of this department have habitually broken verbal agreements to visit and present them with the information.... GODOT: Ludicrous. ROGER: ...and furthermore that their clients' health, reputation and standing in the community have all suffered irreparable harm as a result of this inaction... GODOT: Bloody ridiculous. ROGER: ...and finally that, as their livelihood is also ruined, they claim the sum of one million dollars from Mr. Eric Ralph Godot. GODOT: Fucking farce! (SWIGS FROM THE BOTTLE AGAIN.) God, Roger, you can see what it's like here! It's a madhouse! All this paperwork.... continual interruptions... every interruption is interrupted by another interruption...mad women... fires... carrots... I couldn't even find my pen just now! ROGER: (HORRIFIED) Couldn't find your pen! GODOT: Looked everywhere. ROGER: Well...well...huh.. GODOT: But so what? That's beside the point. All right, I'm going this minute. (MANIC) Look at me. Here's my hat and my coat... who is it? Sasha and Ivan? No...Vladimir and Estragon...no, Maria's seeing them. Ah yes, Anatole and Valentine. Goodbye, Roger. Turn out the light, would you? GODOT RUNS OUT, BANGING DOOR. ROGER STANDS VACANTLY SCRATCHING HISBALLS. GODOT RUNS IN. GODOT: Forgot their file. (SCRABBLES FOR A FILE, OPENS IT) Let's see.. Yes, ..thankyou for application...very excited by concept and presentation...unfortunately ... numbers of applicants ... constraints on funding...suggest you re-apply in June next year... GODOT HEADS TOWARDS DOOR. PHONE RINGS. HE SNATCHES IT UP, IS ABOUT TO SLAM IT DOWN WHEN HE REMEMBERS THAT ROGER IS WATCHING. SCOOPS IT UP. GODOT: Hello, we'd like to thank you for calling the applications section, have a nice day, my name is Eric Godot, how may I help you today? Hello mama. (VOICE CHANGES TO SCHLOCK YIDDISH) No, no, I didn't forget, I'm on my way. No, there's been a fault today. No, it's not MY fault, it's a fault in the telephone line. Yes, I was just coming now. Of course! Mama, you're making me late already. I was just leaving when you rang. I had to run back in. Roger will tell you. (TO ROGER) Here, tell my mother. (HANDS ROGER THE PHONE.) ROGER: Hello, Mrs Godot? Yes Eric was just leaving... yes, definitely. He had to run back in. He nearly hurt himself. No, I'm joking. I'll hand you back...(HANDS PHONE BACK TO GODOT.) I didn't know you were Jewish. GODOT: I'm coming right now, mama. See you in twenty five minutes. (HANGS UP.) It's her birthday. You see? I'm so over-worked, I forget my own mother's birthday. I need more staff, Roger! ROGER: You're being a fool to yourself, Eric. You're a martyr. You should get the C.E.O. down. See the conditions for himself. GODOT: Oh ha ha, the C.E.O. Very funny. Do you think I haven't tried? He doesn't come! I phone, I fax, I send memos; he always says he'll come and there's always some feeble excuse! I've never even met him! I don't know what he looks like, even! ROGER: The way you say "even"...Is Godot a Jewish name? I would have thought French, Alsatian. perhaps... GODOT: AND I'll have to get a gift for mama! Good grief, I'm cracking up. I'm not coping...you've got to help me, Roger! Quarter to five already! Time is our enemy, Roger! Sometimes I think I'll hang myself. Yes' let's hang ourselves! ROGER: Not on your mother's birthday! Good grief! A POLICE SIREN WAILS IN THE DISTANCE, FADING. SOME GUNFIRE IS HEARD. GODOT: No, no, no. Can't top myself on mama's big day. They want a complete million of my dollars? I haven't got twenty dollars even! I've got carrots! Do you like carrots, Roger? GODOT DROPS TO FLOOR AND STARTS TO WEEP. ROGER IS INDECISIVE. ROGER: Ah well, not carrots so much, but I like a good potato. Sour cream on it. You like sour cream? Come on cheer up old boy. KNOCK AT DOOR. THREE CLERKS IN CARDIGANS ENTER, DEPOSIT ARMLOADS OF FILES ON GODOT'S DESK, EXIT. ROGER: (CALLS FEEBLY AFTER THEM) Thankyou. ROGER DROPS TO KNEES, PUTS ARM AROUND GODOT. GODOT CLUTCHES HIM, WEEPS PROFUSELY. MARIA BURSTS IN, PANTING, IN DISARRAY, DARTS TO DESK, TAKES LARGE SWIG FROM BOTTLE. SURVEYS THE SCENE. ROGER: (RISING) It's not what you think young man, Mr Godot...I was helping him up...his mother rang...he had to run back in... ROGER DARTS TO DESK AND TAKES VERY LARGE SWIG FROM BOTTLE. MARIA: It's getting worse out there. Funding applicants are bloody ignorant apes! (DROPS TO KNEES, GRABS GODOT BY THE LAPELS.) Who's this creep Pozzo, with the idiot on the string? Why didn't you warn me about them? GODOT: (CONTROLLING HIS BLUBBING) Pozzo? You saw Pozzo? And Lucky? Were they nice to you? MARIA: (STANDS, LETTING GODOT FALL BACK) Nice to me! Well if that's how you view attempted rape, I suppose they were nice to me! They stopped bloody fast when I mentioned you, thank God! And then this fat slimeball Pozzo says he's hungry and he sits down and he has a bloody picnic! Well? GODOT: Surveillance... well, we can't have people rorting the system, wouldn't be fair to the honest applicants... ROGER: Can't have people rorting! Rorting persons, people rorting and rooting and rioting...Ha ha ha...that brandy's interesting... I think there's an American in my office, good afternoon. What will we do, what will we do? God have pity on me, on me, on me. God have pity on me. ROGER EXITS IN CONFUSION, THINKING ONLY ABOUT HIMSELF. MARIA: Thank the lord he's gone at last. GODOT: (SNIFF) Thank the lord, thank you Lord. Are you always pressed for time, Lord? Hell, you invented time, didn't you? Why the Hell didn't you invent a bit more to go round, for God's sake! Sorry. MARIA: But don't you see sir.... GODOT: Call me Eric. MARIA: Really? Ha, Eric, then. Don't you see Eric, if there were more time there would be more work to fill it the time. GODOT: No, I don't think that's right. MARIA: Well, if there were more time for you, there would be more for everybody. More time for grant applicants to make their applications. And they would be longer, and more detailed.. GODOT: More punctuation errors, more ap-palling spelling...good grief... MARIA: I think we would be better off with less time. Say if the day were only three hours long. GODOT: (RALLYING) Yes, but no Maria, you're wrong. Time is relative, you see. That's known. Einstein showed us that. Time travels at different rates for different people. Oh yes, I know all about this. The US army once did an experiment where they took two identical twin soldiers. Twenty three years old. They put one in a rocket and shot him into orbit travelling at the speed of light for exactly one year, and the other one stayed home.weeding the garden at the army base. MARIA: (COSILY) I bet the one who stayed home was chizzed off! GODOT: Possibly. Anyhow, when the first one landed, he looked about a hundred years old, and his hair and teeth had all gone. And the second one was only twenty four, good as new. MARIA: That's amazing. GODOT: Though I think there was some problem with chemical spray and his hair and teeth did actually fall out too, but you could definitely tell the difference. So the best idea would be to shoot all the bloody grant applicants off in a rocket at the speed of light! MARIA: You have an amazing mind, Eric. GODOT: Thankyou. Do you think the Lord is watching us, Maria? MARIA: Eric, I KNOW he is. And Lord, watch this. MARIA STARTS TO BEHAVE SEDUCTIVELY FOR GODOT, TAKING OFF HER BOY'S CLOTHES. HER NORMAL CLOTHES ARE UNDERNEATH. AN ICE PICK ACCIDENTALLY FALLS FROM A POCKET, CLANGS ON THE FLOOR. SHE PICKS IT UP SLOWLY, THEN SUDDENLY, WITH A VICIOUS MOTION IMPALES IT IN THE DESK. GODOT LOOKS AT THE AUDIENCE, WAVES HIS ARMS TO SIGNIFY "SO WHAT?" MARIA: Heh. Wonder how that got in my pants? That's a problem. GODOT: Maria, the problems of two crazy people don't amount to a hill of beans in this little world. Here's looking at you, kid. MARIA: Shall we have a drink? GODOT: That's what I had in mind. A PHONE RINGS. THEY FREEZE FOR A MOMENT. GODOT RISES, DUSTS HIMSELF DOWN, GOES TO HIS DESK, TAKES PHONE FROM HOOK, REPLACES IT, RESUMES WORK ON FILES. LOOKS AT THE BOTTLE IN SOME BEMUSEMENT, REPLACES IT IN FILING CABINET. A SIREN IN THE STREET BELOW, GUNFIRE. MARIA HEADS FOR THE DOOR. GODOT: (NOT LOOKING UP) Have I had my lunch yet? MARIA: Not yet, no. Excuse me. (EXITS.) -------------END OF THE FIRST CYCLE.---------------------------------- SECOND CYCLE GODOT ADDRESSES AUDIENCE IN A RELAXED MANNER, AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED, WHICH IN A SENSE IT HASN'T. GODOT: (HOLDING UP A FILE) Now this group, they want to start a pig farm. They want the administration's assistance to start a pig farm. (ANOTHER FOLDER) This group, they want to stage Medea on ice, to attract skaters who have never been inside a theatre. And these two, Vladimir and Estragon, I remember Vladimir's mother well, a lovely woman, but I'm not to let that influence my decision, they have a submission to build a giant pomegranate by a roadhouse in the Wimmera, with a ladder so that tourists can look out over the desert through the pip-holes. How am I supposed to evaluate that? Have you been to the Wimmera? Nothing to look at. One dead tree.. Ha ha ha. They could have a sign saying "See what bugger all looks like from twenty feet up in the air." (PAUSE) It's cold in here. I want to go home. MARIA KNOCKS, ENTERS. MARIA: Mr. Godot? There's a delegation of school-children to see you from the eastern compounds. GODOT: Maria, I have to go, I have to see Anatole and Valentine at five thirty. Look at the time! MARIA: Look at your diary! Eh? Return the ball once in a while, can't you? GODOT: What? What ball? (COLLAPSES IN CHAIR AT DESK) Show them in. MARIA: This way. In you come. THREE GROTTY SCHOOLCHILDREN ENTER, GIGGLING, WITH NOTEBOOKS. GODOT: Welcome to the interior ministry of the administration, young people. I'm afraid I can only spare you a few minutes. My name is Eric Godot, I am the administrator, and I wonder if I might know who you are? CHILD 1 (FEMALE): Certainly. I'll be the first one to speak. CHILD 2 (MALE): And I'll be the second. CHILD 3 (MALE): And I'll be the ttthird. CHILD 1: In that order. GODOT: Surrealist, self-referential, post deconstructionist school- children. CHILD 1: Yes. Oy, don't hit me! CHILD 2: I didn't. CHILD 3: Yes he did! I sssaw him. CHILD 2: I did not! CHILDREN 2 AND 3 START FIGHTING, FALL TO THE FLOOR. CHILD 1: (CONFIDENTIALLY) It's typical, isn't it? I on the other hand am a female. GODOT: (LOOKING AT CLOCK) Yes. Well what do you want to know? CHILD 1: We're doing a project, sir. Our subject is, (READS) "How government arts funding is disbursed from the higher echelons of government to the lower echelons of the destitute, needy and starving performers, and who gets how much. If there's any left." GODOT: (STIFFLY) Yes... you must realise that arts grants form only a minor part of the whole application infrastructure.. CHILD 1: The "If there's any left", I added that myself. My dad's an unfunded clown. He's got an application in. He's been waiting to hear for six years. He's great, my dad. He's got a trained rat and he wants to get nineteen more and do a rat circus free for everybody in the street. GODOT: What? Maria! Can you stop these boys fighting? THERE IS A CRASH. A STONE SHATTERS THE WINDOW AND LANDS ON THE FLOOR.THE BOYS STOP FIGHTING, CHILD 1 SHRIEKS, INSTINCTIVELY RUNS TO GODOT,WHO PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER THEN QUICKLY PUSHES HER AWAY. MARIA RUNS IN. THE SIRENS FROM THE STREET BELOW ARE NOW LOUDER. GODOT WATCHES, TRANSFIXED. A GRAPPLING HOOK IS THROWN THROUGH THE WINDOW, SECURED. MARIA: I'll get Roger. Children, It's time to leave. CHILD 2: Awwwww... CHILD 1: I haven't even had one answer yet. THERE IS A DOORKNOCK. MARIA RUNS OUT, LEAVING THE CHILDREN. THE ROPE AT THE WINDOW TWITCHES; SOMEONE IS CLIMBING UP.GODOT NOT TAKING HIS EYES OFF THE WINDOW, PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE WALL BEHIND HIM. ANOTHER ALARM RINGS SOMEWHERE IN THE BUILDING.A DARK HEAD APPEARS AT THE WINDOW; SOMEONE CLIMBS IN. IT IS ROSA. ROSA: Hello again, Eric. GODOT: What do you want? Who are you? ROSA: They wouldn't let me in at the door. Did you take the carrots to my big fat stupid hungry boy? GODOT: Carrots? What does she mean, carrots? ROSA: Here, I have some more. CHILD 2: Gor, this is great! THE CHILDREN SIT ON THE DESK, DISLODGING PAPERS, WATCHING THE FUN. GODOT: Rosa, I have tried..... ROSA: (IN STRANGLED TONES) Are you going to see my boy today? Because if you are not, I have a very nasty surprise for...YOU! CHILDREN APPLAUD. GODOT: Rosa, for pity's sake...I am striving like Hercules to get out of this office! CHILD 2: Garn, my dad says you're hopeless! GODOT: (GRABS CHILD 2 BY SHIRT-FRONT) Well there goes your dad's chances then, smartarse! CHILD 2: Hey! ROGER BURSTS IN WEARING A CRASH HELMET, TAKES KARATE STANCE. ROGER: Hah! Hoh! Hoy! CHILDREN APPLAUD. ROGER: It's that woman again. (RELAXES, DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.) MARIA: (ENTERS, PUFFING) The firemen and the security people are having a gun battle with a brigade of southern agricultural grant applicants. ROGER: I warned you! MARIA: They've got sticks and knives. One of them's even got a sort of uniform! GODOT: Hah! See? Infiltrators and agitators from the left and right. Where would a real grant applicant get money for a uniform! And I tell you something else! If a grant applicant was in the incredible position of actually getting some project funding, and that same applicant spent funding money on a military uniform, then that applicant would be in very deep doo-doo indeed! ROGER: Yes, but surely if it was a successful applicant, he wouldn't be in the army! GODOT: Ah yes, a good point, Roger... MARIA: Don't you understand! We're trapped in the building! We have no rights any more! (NOTICES ROSA) There's that woman again. GODOT: Pull yourself together, Miss Kowalski. ROGER: The thing I've never understood is, why don't we just give these wretched people some money? LONG PAUSE; GODOT STARES AT ROGER, WHO FIDGETS. GODOT: Give them some money Roger. Just give them some money. ROGER: Sorry. GODOT: We haven't got any money, that's why, you pin-headed prat! We've barely got enough money to pay my salary, let alone give money to grant applicants! CHILD 1: Boring! CHILD 2: Let's go and watch the war! That sounds like more fun! CHILD 1: Great! CHILD 3: Wicked! CHILD 2: Come on! CHILDREN RUN OUT. MARIA: (FOLLOWING) Wait, children.. ROSA: So, Eric. The yellow men can't throw me out now, they're too busy fighting. You will have to do it yourself. ROGER: What's she talking about? GODOT: I have no idea. ROSA: I got my boy some carrots. ROSA THROWS PARCEL AT GODOT FROM BENEATH CLOAK. HE SHOUTS, TOSSESIT TO ROGER, WHO SHOUTS, TOSSES IT ON THE PILE. ROSA: And one turnip. Boy, I was lucky to get that turnip. I had to fight like a tiger for the turnip. Human beings are animals. ROGER: People are bloody ignorant apes. MARIA: And there is this. ROSA PRODUCES A SMALL PETROL CAN. ROGER: It's a can of petrol. Eric? GODOT DECIDES TO IGNORE THIS. RETURNS TO DESK, SITS, MAKES PHONECALL. GODOT: Hello, this is Mr. Godot. Top floor. Look, can you send someone up to fix a window. Room 1315. Thankyou very much. Now if everyone is finished, I have work to do. ROSA: I tell you what is finished! The time is finished for words! The time has come for action! GODOT: I am trying...to take some action! If you would just go away! ROSA POURS LIQUID ALL OVER HERSELF, THROWS THE CAN OUT THE WINDOW.PRODUCES A LIGHTER, FLICKS IT AT ARM'S LENGTH. ROSA: You don't think I'm serious? I'm very serious. Eric Godot. ROGER: Oh my good lord. (HOLDS HANDKERCHIEF OVER FACE.) ROSA WALKS SLOWLY TOWARDS GODOT, CIRCLING THE DESK. GODOT RISES, BACKS AWAY. ROSA: We are going to see my boy NOW! GODOT: Yes, of course...but we can't leave the building... ROSA: They will make way for the human bomb! This morning I swallowed a stick of gelignite! GODOT: Now look, Rosa, please, there's no need for these desperate tactics.. as soon as the riots are under control I will be off to see (GRABS A FILE) Jeremy and Salome... ROSA: WHO? GODOT: (GRABBING ANOTHER FILE) Samuel, Ushmal and Victoria? ROSA: WHO? GODOT: ..ah.. (GRABBING ANOTHER FILE) Anatole and Valentine? ROSA: WHO? GODOT: (MORE FILES) Bib and Bub? Romeo and Juliet? Roseanne and Seinfeld? ROSA: VLADIMIR! GODOT: Right! Vladimir. And Estragon! Now where's their file? ROSA: VLADIMIR! My Vladimir! NOT Estragon! Estragon is shit! GODOT: Yes, well that's true, that's very true... ROSA: And you are going to see Vladimir NOW! That is also true! Move! GODOT, WALKING BACKWARDS, OPENS THE METAL LOCKER, ACCIDENTALLY FALLS INTO IT, SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. ROSA: Where's he gone? This is not the door! This is the cupboard! GODOT: (MUFFLED) I'm locked in! ROSA: Aarrhh! You stupid slug-brained son of a pig-ignorant poxy ridden bitch! Twenty million sperm and you had to be the winner! Come out of this fucking cupboard! (BEATS ON LOCKER) ROGER: Ah, look, Mrs. McTavish,.. ROSA: McIntosh. You pin-head prat. ROGER: Mrs. McIntosh. I'll sort this out. Perhaps you could keep watch at the window. ROSA: (TRYING TO SHAKE LOCKER) Get the bastard out of this cupboard! ROGER: Yes, right, just give me some room...a bit of quiet..Hello Eric? Can you hear me? Where's the key? GODOT: (MUFFLED) I've got it here. ROSA: What? ROGER: He's got it with him. Well open the door then, Eric. GODOT: (MUFFLED) I can't you dickhead, I'm inside. ROSA: What? ROGER: He says he can't, he says I'm a dickhead, he says he's inside. ROSA EXPLODES (NOT LITERALLY), RAGES AROUND THE ROOM. ROGER: Shove the key under the door, then. GODOT: (MUFFLED) I can't, it's airtight. I've got about three minutes. ROSA: What? ROGER: He can't, it's airtight. He's got three minutes. Two and a half, by now. Breathe slowly. And don't shout. GODOT: (SHOUTS) What? ROGER: Don't shout! GODOT: (SOFTLY) Right! ROGER: What? GODOT: (SHOUTS) Right! ROGER: Don't shout! GODOT: (SOFTLY) Right. ROSA: (TO AUDIENCE) I can't stand it! I am screwed up to fever's pitch! The petrol is drying out now! Gottendammerung! What would you do? Really, if you were me, what would you do? It's my boy out there, waiting, waiting, waiting, for bloody what? Oh, I will go mad! ROSA COLLAPSES IN A HEAP. ROGER RUNS TO HER, KNEELS. ROGER: Good grief, I think she's dead. Heart massage, yes... ROGER ATTEMPTS HEART MASSAGE ON ROSA. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. THREE WINDOW-REPAIRERS ENTER, CAPS AND OVERALLS.THEY HAVE A LADDER. WINDOW 1: Scuse us. ROGER: (LEAPING UP) It's not what you think...Thank godot you're here. (RUNS TO LOCKER) Mr God is in there. He's got about a minute. WINDOW 1: Well we've got about ten minutes. It's quarter to five, you know. WINDOW 2: Bleedin' nice time of day to ring. WINDOW 3: Bloody lovely. WINDOW 1: Right, where's the busted winder then? Ah yeah. ROSA: Yaaahhhh! ROSA SPRINGS UP, RUNS TO WINDOW, CLIMBS ON SILL, JUMPS. ROSA: Yaaaaaaaaaa..... WINDOW 2: See that! WINDOW 1: Yeah! WINDOW 3: Funny behavior. FAR-OFF CRASH FROM THE STREET BELOW. ROGER: Very sad. Very very sad. A moment's silence please. THEY ALL BOW HEADS FOR A MOMENT. ROGER: Good. Anyhow, the thing is, we've now got a much worse problem than the window. WINDOW 1: Well that's bad luck, isn't it lads? See, we don't fix problems, we fix winders. Don't we, lads? WINDOW 2: Yes, but if yer've got a problem winder, we can fix that. WINDOW 3: That's..that's that's right. ROGER: Well, good. But look, Mr. Godot is trapped in this airtight locker, with about a minute to live. WINDOW 2: Mr. Godot. Is that Mr. Eric Godot? BANGING FROM THE LOCKER. ROGER: Yes! Please! WINDOW 2: Mr. Eric Godot the grant funding administrator? MORE BANGING. ROGER: Yes! Yes! Please! ROGER IS VERY AGITATED. WINDOW 2: Oh dear. Ooh dear. We might have to make him wait. ROGER: Why? What for? WINDOW 2: He made us wait, didn't he, lads? WINDOW 1: Made us wait for three sodding years. WINDOW 3: Broke our spirits. WINDOW 1: He never come. Promises, that was all we ever got. WINDOW 2: Great idea, we had. We haven't always been winder fixers yer know. Genetic engineers. Private firm, Tom here, he was the boss, brilliant man. Dick here, he was the bean counter. We could have put this country at the forefront. (KNOCKS ON LOCKER SHOUTS) 'Oy! Remember Tom, Dick and Harry, Mr Godot? One knock for "yes", two for "no". FAINT KNOCK IN RETURN. WINDOW 2: Remember how you kept us waiting for three years 'til our company was ruined? TWO FAINT KNOCKS. ROGER: Enough! Out of my way! (RESUMES KARATE POSE) Hah! Hoh! Hoy! WINDOW 1: Look out, lads! ROGER KARATE KICKS LOCKER, HURTS FOOT. ROGER: Ahhh...ahhh... LOCKER IS NOT AFFECTED. MARIA RUNS IN PANTING, SAUCEPAN ON HEAD AND BROLLY IN HAND. TRIES TO SAY SOMETHING BUT CAN ONLY WAVE ARMS. ROGER: God, Maria, Eric's trapped in here! These men won't help...(TO MEN) I'm having you charged for this! (TO MARIA) His time's up! He's run out of air! Even if he's alive, he'll be a vegetable! God, we've got enough of those in here! Ooh, I want to do wee! MARIA: Roger, shutup! MARIA STAGGERS TOWARD ROGER, GIVES HIM A BACKHANDER; HE REELS AROUND CLUTCHING HIS HANDKERCHIEF TO HIS MOUTH. ROGER: (MUMBLES) She hit me in the mouf. MARIA STAGGERS TO THE LOCKER, PUTS ARMS AROUND IT, BRACES HERSELF,PULLS IT FROM THE WALL. IT HAS NO BACK. GODOT STANDS WITH A CANDLE IN ONE HAND AND A FOLDED NEWSPAPER IN THE OTHER. DOING A CROSSWORD PUZZLE. GODOT: Ah. Hello Rosa. No, it's Maria. Hello Maria. (REFERRING TO SAUCEPAN) You doing lunch? Thankyou. Hello Roger. What's a four- letter word for "administrator"? WINDOW 3 ATTEMPTS TO ANSWER BUT IS STOPPED BY THE OTHERS, WHO HAVEBEEN WATCHING THE SCENE WITH INTEREST. WINDOW 3: C..c... WINDOW 1: Come on lads, it's too late today. We'll come back tomorrow. WINDOW CLEANERS EXEUNT. ROGER: She hit me in the mouf. Whack! Like that! GODOT: About bloody time! ROGER: Hoh! MARIA: You're alright then? Good. Where's the loonie? GUNFIRE AND WAILING FROM THE STREET BELOW. ROGER: (MUMBLES SULKILY) She jumped out the window. MARIA: She what? ROGER: Out the window. Whoosh. (DEMONSTRATES FEEBLY.) GODOT: (RUNS TO WINDOW, LOOKS DOWN) Oh my Lord. (RETURNS TO CENTRE OF ROOM, TAKES HIS MOMENT.) Oh. Oh, this is all my cursed, wretched fault. I try, I try, but what can I do? Rosa. I held her in my arms, I felt her soft warm breath on my neck as she gently slept. I kissed her eyelids in the morning. And now we have no time to grow old. MARIA: (JEALOUS) Yes, huh. Well now the panic's died down, I've got work to do. GODOT: No, don't go, don't go, Maria, stay I beg of you. Tell me, how goes the battle? (VERY SHAKESPEAREAN.) ROGER: Eric? Wallop, like that, she went, fair in the gob. How would you like it? GODOT: Lord Roger, shut thee the fuck up. MARIA: In faith my liege I wot I have not never seen such deeds. Maggie from Accounts and I did stand, With helm upon our head and lancer in our hand, And led the charge with piercing cry, And I got a potter in the eye. Wherupon Tom Pearson from Invoices Said we had but simple choices. The cringing or the noble factor, Then he gutted an actor with a protractor. Foe on foe and blood-red swam the dawn, And so the battle raged, both night and morn. GODOT: (LOOKS AT CLOCK) What's this you say, another day is brought? I must have been in yonder locker longer than I thought. MARIA: And now 'tis done, and we have won. GODOT: We won? MARIA: The Grant Applicants' Revolutionary Force is routed! ROGER: (FEEBLY) Hooray. MARIA: For the time. But they'll be back! GODOT: I should be there! I should have been there! In the very forefront, that's my place, leading my troops to glorious victory! Oh, the shame! MARIA: We wondered where you were. GODOT: Oh thank you very much! I was locked in the frigging locker, that's where I was! With a raving lunatic about to blow herself to pieces in front of me! (RUNS TO WINDOW, LOOKS DOWN) Ah Rosa...(RUNS BACK, WINDING HIMSELF UP AGAIN) And there were fifteen schoolchildren fighting in here Maria, and windows smashing...aahhh...and God, look at the time, I have to see Fritz-Ambrose and Petronella at five thirty, I promised... GODOT FALLS TO HIS KNEES, WEEPING. ROGER KNEELS, COMFORTS HIM. SAMEPOSITIONS AS THE FIRST TIME. ROGER: Come on old boy. It's not that bad. Nothing's that bad! Look at me. I got a great whack in the chops, but I'm OK. GODOT: (BLUBS) Sometimes I think they don't WANT me to go and see the applicants. They're plotting against me. ROGER: Now that's just silly talk. That's paranoia. MARIA: Anyway, what others? Who are these others? GODOT: The C.E.O. (TO MARIA) You. The mad woman. (TO ROGER) You. ROGER: Me! Come on! MARIA: Oh really! GODOT: Everybody. You're all in it together! You all want to see me fail! ROGER: No no no, why would we want to do that? GODOT: Because I only went to a high school, that's why! Because we were poor immigrants! Because we're Jewish! ROGER DETACHES HIMSELF APPRECIABLY. ROGER: Eric, Eric! Come on! I didn't know you were Jewish! Are you Jewish? Well, what do I care! Good stuff! Let's have a drink.You need a large brandy, eh? GODOT: (PULLS HIMSELF TOGETHER, PUSHES ROGER AWAY, RISES) Let me alone. No. This much is certain; yes, I see it clearly now. We have caused this appalling misery, these problems, the bloodshed and violence; it is we and we alone who by our criminal apathy and inaction are responsible for the riots and the public discontent that is ripping this once proud nation apart. And it is we who must quell them by now taking action! And it is we who must strike the iron before it freezes! Return to your legal department Roger, Miss Kowalski to your desk. If I do nothing else, I will see Vladimir and Estragon tonight! MARIA AND ROGER DANCE TOGETHER BRIEFLY. ROGER: Thankyou. MARIA: Thankyou. ROGER: Good stuff! But really, that part about "we and we alone", it's more like "you and you alone" wouldn't you say? I mean, I'm just legal. GODOT: (IGNORING HIM) What are dossiers and files and filing cabinets and meetings and minutes and pencils and rubbers and reports when there are grant applicants, warm human grant applicants, flesh and blood, starving to death and going insane out there in the wilderness for want of a simple visit? ROGER: Good point. Bit hard to starve to death and THEN go insane though! Ha ha. GODOT: Enough! I shall go at once! Nothing can stop me now! MARIA: Is there nothing can stop you from leaving this office? GODOT: Nothing! ROGER: Absolutely nothing? GODOT: Absolutely positively definitely nothing! GODOT, MARIA AND ROGER LOOK AT THE AUDIENCE, DARING THEM TO LAUGH. PAUSE.THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. MARIA: (TONGUE IN CHEEK) Goodness, who on earth can that be? At this time of day! ROGER: Surely can't be important. GODOT: Not important enough to stop me leaving this office. ROGER: Hah, wouldn't think so! GODOT: Nothing's that important! ROGER: Nothing! GODOT: Even only if for memory of Rosa, I will see Vladimir and Estragon tonight! MARIA: (ON WAY TO DOOR) Not Estragon. GODOT: Not Estragon. ROGER: He's poo. THREE INTERIOR DECORATORS KNOCK AND ENTER. ROGER ATTEMPTS TO EXIT, IS BUSTLED BY THE DECORATORS, FINALLY GOES. DEC 1(FEMALE) IS TOUGH, THE MEN ARE EFFEMINATE. DEC 2 & 3 QUICKLY AND PROFESSIONALLY START LOOKING AROUND THE OFFICE, MAKING NOTES AND TALKING TOGETHER. DEC 1 GOES TO GODOT, SHOWS HIM SOME PLANS. DEC 1: Eric, good news. The allocation is through. We can re-decorate immediately. GODOT: Ah, brilliant! Maria, did you hear? At last! God knows how long I've waited for this moment! Show me, show me! Maria, come and look! MARIA: Very nice. And if you leave in five minutes you'll be able to see Vladimir before curfew. GODOT: Maria, have a heart! Look! Look at the patterns, and the colours (HOLDING UP DEC 1'S SAMPLE SHEETS) I've waited years for this moment! I never thought I'd see the day! MARIA: I just don't believe you. You are despicable. Do you know something, Eric Godot? There is an inter-departmental review in a fortnight. I'm going to apply for your job. MARIA STORMS OUT, BANGING DOOR. PAUSE. GODOT LOOKS AT DECORATORS, SHRUGS. ALL LAUGH. DEC 1: We all get emotional at times. Now look Eric, here's what I thought. DEC 1 OPENS LARGE MAP-FOLDER ON GODOT'S DESK, KNOCKING SEVERALOTHER FOLDERS AND PAPERS TO THE FLOOR. GODOT: Oh, yes! That's wonderful! MARIA: (ENTERS. ICILY) Mr. Godot. There are three people from the computer department to see you. DEC 2 & 3 LOOK AT EACH OTHER. DEC 1: That's impossible. MARIA: Three computer people from the computer department. Two men and a woman. The woman is as ugly as sin, one of the men has a speech impediment and the other one has garlic breath. Would I lie to you? SIMULTANEOUSLY, DEC 2 QUIETLY SNIFFS HIS BREATH WITH HIS CUPPED HAND,DEC 1 TAKES QUICK LOOK IN COMPACT MIRROR, DEC 3 SPEAKS. DEC 3: How now, brown cow. (NO STUTTER) GODOT: No, I can't see them. Tell them to come back tomorrow. MARIA: They say it's very important. Very important. GODOT: What could be more important than decor? I ask you! MARIA: They're in the outer office now... I can hear them coming... THE DECORATORS REALISE THAT MARIA IS MANIPULATING THEM. DEC 1: Bloody ridiculous. A ROCK SAILS THROUGH THE WINDOW WITH THE SOUND OF GLASS BREAKING.DECORATORS ARE STARTLED, SHRIEK. THERE IS A NOTE TIED TO THE ROCK. DEC 1: Sorry Eric. Just remembered something important. Come on, boys. GODOT: Oh, Daphne! DEC 1 EXITS; THE OTHERS TISS AFTER HER. GODOT: Damn! Damn! The bloody years I've waited...Labours abandoned, left unfinished..... GODOT KICKS ROCK, SEES NOTE TIED TO IT, TAKES IT, READS. GODOT: The Grant Applicants' Revolutionary Force has kidnapped my mother. They want one million dollars for my mother. (STARTS GIGGLING, GETS WORSE) They want my decision in writing by five pm today! MARIA: Must be a joke. GODOT: Everyone wants one million of my dollars. (GETTING HYSTERICAL) There's some other people want a million dollars off me too. Who were they? Can't think. Doesn't matter. Help yourself to some carrots, Maria. GODOT LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY; THE LAUGHTER TURNS TO TEARS; HE BLOWS HIS NOSE, SETTLES DOWN. GODOT: (INCLUDES THE AUDIENCE) Aha ha ha.... Put twenty four carrots in a circle, you'd have a twenty four carrot ring! Ring ring...Hello? Give it to your girlfriend! I could do it, I've got the carrots, have a look! Ha ha ha..(WEEPS AGAIN) Mama, mama...are you tied up in a draughty warehouse with tape across your mouth, you can't call my name even, mama? That's a blessing at least! (LAUGHS) GODOT GIGGLES ON. HE CALMS DOWN. LOOKS AROUND SHEEPISHLY. GOES TO FILING CABINET, TAKES SWIG FROM BOTTLE, SHUDDERS, RETURNS TO SEAT. MARIA: WHAT are you going to do about your mother? GODOT: What can I do? How can I do anything? MARIA: Call the police? GODOT: Hah, the police, what a joke. MARIA: Surely they're better than nothing. GODOT: (LEAFING THROUGH DIARY) No Maria, they're not. I should know. And look, I'm supposed to see Vladimir and not Estragon at five thirty. The day's almost gone and I have accomplished nothing! I can't get there in forty five minutes; I'll be late. It's rude to be late. MARIA: I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you were fifteen minutes late! They've been waiting for seven years! GODOT: Maria, that is not the point. The point is, I have said I will be there at exactly five thirty and due to a range of completely unforeseen delays and obstacles I cannot be on time. I have been brought up to believe that unpunctuality is the very worst transgression imaginable. So I can't possibly go now. You see? I'll have to go tomorrow. Please run and make my apologies. MARIA: Oh! GODOT: And do you know how many applications I have looked at today? I'll tell you. Five. That's it! All these bloody interruptions! MARIA: But what about your mother? GODOT: They'll just have to kill her, that's all. Nothing to be done. MARIA: Oh, Mr. Godot! GODOT: Well like the Muslims say, today is as good a day to die as any other. She's eighty nine, you know. MARIA: Poor old thing, the shock'll probably kill her! GODOT: No, I wouldn't think so. Not mama. No, they'll have to do it personally. MARIA: You are so... GODOT: Maria, if there was anything I could do, I would. God, look at the time. I must let them know my decision. (TAKES A PIECE OF PAPER, SEARCHES FOR A PEN.) Where's my pen? Have you seen my pen? MARIA: (NEARLY LOSING IT) I ..gave...you..a pen...earlier... GODOT: Ah! (FINDS A PEN IN THE FILING CABINET) Pen in cabinet. Under "W". MARIA: Under "W"? GODOT: Under "W". For "writing." (WRITES) "Dear murderous kidnappers, you really are a bunch of brainless bastards. If I had a million dollars I would have moved my mother to the eastern sanctuaries long ago. You'll not get a red cent out of me. Best wishes, Eric Godot. Administrator." (STOPS, LOOKS UP, CROSSES IT OUT) "Dear Kidnappers.. thankyou for application..very excited by concept and presentation.. unfortunately ... numbers of applicants... constraints on funding... suggest you re-apply in June next year. Yours sincerely, etcetera." Hah! Take that, you pack of bastards! GODOT FOLDS NOTE, TIES IT TO ROCK, HEADS TOWARDS WINDOW BUT BACKS AWAY,NOT WANTING TO GET TOO CLOSE. STANDS ON DESK, THROWS ROCK WITH GREAT VIGOUR. GODOT: (SHOUTS) Hoy! Read that, scum! Ooowww! THE ROCK HITS THE WALL. THE THROWING ACTION HAS CAUSED GODOT TO RUPTURE HIMSELF. HE CRIES OUT INPAIN, CLUTCHING HIS GROIN, STILL STANDING ON DESK. MARIA: What? What? GODOT: I think I've ruptured myself. Oooowww... MARIA: Quick, drop your trousers. We must apply immediate pressure. GODOT: (IN DISBELIEF) What? MARIA: Otherwise, your bowels will pop out! GODOT, IN PAIN, DROPS HIS TROUSERS. MARIA: Which side? GODOT: Left. MARIA PRESSES HARD AGAINST GODOT'S GROIN. GODOT: Ahhhh... ROGER BURSTS IN, PANICKING ROGER: They're attacking again! They're storming the building! What's going on? MARIA: (BREAKING AWAY QUICKLY) It's not what you think. ROGER: You filthy devils. GODOT: Oooowww! Maria, come back! Do it again! ROGER: Look, there's no time for dirties now. MARIA: We are not doing dirties! ROGER: They've broken into the building! They're storming up the stairs! They're going to kill us all! SHOUTS AND SHOOTING AND SMASHING HEARD FROM INSIDE THE BUILDING, GETTING CLOSER. ROSA: (OFF) Charge! THREE SOLDIERS BURST IN, FOLLOWED BY ROSA, MASKED, ON CRUTCHES. ROSA IS WEARING SOME KIND OF INSIGNIA DESIGNATING HER AS THE LEADER. THE SOLDIERS SHOOT FOR SOME MINUTES. ROGER AND MARIA, YELLING AND SHOUTING, ARE WOUNDED BUT ELUDE THE ATTACKERS AND ESCAPE. GODOT, STANDING ON HIS DESK, HOLDING HIS GROIN, WITH TROUSERS AROUND ANKLES, IS NOT SHOT AT. ROSA: Stop shooting! Cease fire! THE SHOOTING STOPS. SOLDIER 2: Fantastic! Aw, hahaha, you've got blood all over you! SOLDIER 3: (LAUGHS) Shit, I'll have to have a bath now! SOLDIERS LAUGH ROSA: (REMOVING MASK) Hello again Eric. GODOT: Rosa! ROSA: Captain Rosa! You scum! GODOT: Rosa...Rosa...what... ROSA: What do you think, you stupid scumbag fool! We are winning! We have waited long enough! We will take over and I Captain Rosa McIntosh will personally hand out the money! GODOT: But...the window... ROSA: Hah! It takes more than a thirteen storey fall to kill Captain Rosa McIntosh SOLDIERS CHEER. ROSA: You men! Guard him! I must check the other fronts! I will return! ROSA WHEELS OUT RAPIDLY.A PAUSE OF PINTERESQUE PROPORTIONS. GODOT IS PETRIFIED, DUMBSTRUCK. GODOT: And...ah...are you going to shoot me? SOLDIER 1: What, sir? GODOT: You've shot at everyone else. SOLDIER 1: (PUZZLED) We're soldiers, sir. That's what we do. SOLDIER 2: We are the soldiers of the GARF - the Grant Applicants' Revolutionary Force! SOLDIERS: (SOME FUNNY SALUTE) GARF! GODOT: Well why not shoot me too, fuckwit? SOLDIER 1: (BRISTLES) Captain Rosa didn't give us an order to shoot you. Look, if we get an order to shoot you, we will shoot you, Ok? It's nothing personal. (OTHER SOLDIERS LAUGH) GODOT: But where's the morality? SOLDIER 2: Sod morality. After a shoot, a soldier needs a root! SOLDIER 3: Good one! (SOLDIERS 2 AND 3 LAUGH) SOLDIER 1: SHADDUPP! SOLDIERS 2 & 3: Suh! SOLDIERS: Rule number one, obey your orders! To the best! One two three four! (SOLDIER 3 IS A BIT LATE FINISHING.) SOLDIER 1: Order - put out bushfires. SOLDIERS 2 & 3: We put out bushfires. Suh! SOLDIER 1: Order - help old People. SOLDIERS 2 & 3: We help old people. Suh! SOLDIER 1: Order - shoot old people. SOLDIERS 2 & 3: We shoot old people. Suh! SOLDIER 1: It's a nasty business but if we didn't do it, who would? Someone has to do it. And war is hell of course. SOLDIERS 2 & 3: Oh yes, war is hell, no worries. We hate war. SOLDIER 3: We hate war. GODOT: Don't you care? I mean, you weren't always soldiers....you were human beings once...grant applicants...warm, sensitive flesh and blood... SOLDIER 2: ...starving to death and going insane for want of a simple visit! GODOT: Yes, well, the pressure.... SOLDIER 1: And now we're soldiers. We're trained, and once you're trained, you never forget how to kill. SOLDIER 2: Like riding a bike. GODOT: But that's inhuman! SOLDIER 1: Hold the fort, wait a minute. (RUMMAGES THROUGH POCKETS, FINDS A PIECE OF PAPER) Dammit, look at this, I almost forgot. We have to torture you. THAT's why we're not shooting you. You're Eric Godot, aren't you? Yess, yess, Johann and me nearly went mad waiting for you to visit me one time. Johann starved to death. Then this weird prick called Pozzo turned up and photographed him dead. Can you believe that? Yeah, you are a grade one arsehole Mr. Godot, sir. GODOT: I do what I can! I'm only human! I'm, working on the applications now! Look at the files! SOLDIER 1: (PERUSING TORTURE ORDER) Tie him to the chair. SOLDIERS 2 & 3: Suh! SOLDIERS 2 AND 3 MANHANDLE GODOT OFF THE DESK AND INTO HIS CHAIR, THEN TIE HIM UP. SOLDIER 1: Thanks for dropping your daks Mr. Godot, that'll save us time. Corporal! SOLDIER 2: Suh! SOLDIER 1: Tape up Mr. Godot's mouth. SOLDIER 2: Suh! SOLDIER 1: Sergeant! GODOT: Sergeant. Sergeant! That's an anagram of grantees! Mix up "grantees" ...sergeant! You're mixed up grantees! SOLDIERS THINK ABOUT THIS BRIEFLY, THEN DISMISS IT. SOLDIER 1: Sergeant, wire up Mr. Godot's knackers. SOLDIER 3: Suh! GODOT: I'm not taking this! I'm the administrator! I'll have you arrested for this! SOLDIER 2 PRODUCES ROLL OF TAPE AND SWIFTLY TAPES GODOT'S MOUTH. SOLDIER 3 PRODUCES SOME WIRES AND IS ABOUT TO ATTACH THEM TO GODOT'S GENITALS. THERE IS A LOUD SIREN FROM BELOW THE WINDOW, THEN AN ANNOUNCEMENT.THE SOLDIERS STOP AND LISTEN. ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention! Attention! Emergency! All military personnel report immediately to the Sports Arena. Repeat, all military personnel report to the Sports Arena immediately! SOLDIER 1: Damn! Come on lads. Cheero, Mr. Godot. Don't know if we'll be able to fit you in today or not. (RIGHT IN GODOT'S FACE) But if we don't get back today, I PROMISE you we'll come for you tomorrow. OK? ANOTHER LONG PAUSE. GODOT SITS SQUIRMING, THEN TRIES SOME TENTATIVE NOISES. HE WRIGGLES OUT OF THE ROPES AROUND HIS CHAIR AND STANDS; HIS FEET ARE TIED TOGETHER, HANDS TIED BEHIND HIS BACK, TROUSERS STILL AROUND HIS ANKLES.. HE HOPS A FEW PACES, FALLS OVER, RISES WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY. HOPS TOWARD THE DOOR, PANTING. AS HE REACHES THE DOOR,MARIA OPENS IT AND ENTERS, DISHEVELLED, ARM IN A SLING. THE DOOR HITS GODOT, KNOCKING HIM TO THE GROUND. MARIA: (LOOKS AROUND, DOESN'T SEE GODOT) Mr Godot? Eric? He's gone. They've taken him. (SEES HIM) Oh God, they've killed him. GODOT GROANS MARIA: Oh, you're alive! They didn't kill you. Oh you poor man. Here, let me... MARIA UNTIES GODOT AND UNTAPES HIS MOUTH. HE GASPS FOR AIR. GODOT: Maria...Maria... MARIA: There there, it's all right. They've gone. GODOT: They've gone? MARIA: Yes, all gone. They really have. It was a trap. They were tricked into going to the sports arena GODOT: All of them? MARIA: Yes, all the army ones, anyway. I won't go into the details...(ALMOST VOMITS AT THE THOUGHT OF THE MASSACRE THAT HAS JUST HAPPENED. PULLS HERSELF TOGETHER.) Oh...Rosa Macintosh escaped. Cup of tea? GODOT: Yes, yes, cup of tea...(DISTRACTED) That's all right then...But what about my job? If all the grant applicants are gone? What will I do? MARIA: No no no, there are plenty more. They breed like rabbits. Nothing much else to do. Let's clean up here, for a start. This office is a mess. MARIA RUNS TO FILING CABINET, POURS DRINKS FOR HERSELF AND GODOT. GODOT: Ah, oh thankyou. Yes, tidy up. Can't work in mess like this... GODOT STRAIGHTENS HIS CLOTHES, DOES UP HIS TROUSERS, WINCES. GODOT: Ahhh...must have strained myself... all that hopping about. MARIA PICKS UP FILES, STRAIGHTENS DESK, PUTS FILES INTO CABINET.SHE FINDS ABOUT A HUNDRED PENS IN A DRAWER. MARIA: Hah, look! Pens! GODOT: Yes, I keep them there in that drawer. Never know when you'll need a pen, Maria. A PHONE RINGS IN MARIA'S OFFICE. MARIA: Ah, who's that? Cup of tea? GODOT: Please. Thankyou. MARIA RUNS OUT. GODOT SITS AT HIS DESK, SIGHS. A LONG PAUSE. FINDSA FILE, READS IT, BRIGHTENS UP. GODOT: Look, the budget's through for my new decor. Thank god for that. A SIREN IS HEARD FROM THE STREET, THEN GUNFIRE, THEN ANOTHER SIREN. GODOT: Must get that window fixed. That's why it's so cold in here. Hh. (PAUSE. HE DOES NOTHING.) Expect I'd better get some work done. God, I wish I could go home. MARIA ENTERS, WITH PAPERS. GODOT: Didn't we meet once, on a warm April night, at the Algonquin? MARIA: I don't remember. There are three people to see you. GODOT: Why do people always come in threes? Funny, isn't it? MARIA: Three people from the finance section. Something about budget cuts. GODOT: Ah well. (SNAPS A FOLDER SHUT) Vladimir will have to wait. Have I had my lunch yet? MARIA: No Mr Godot. Not yet. GODOT: Just give me a couple of minutes. MARIA EXITS. GODOT TAKES A FOLDER FROM THE IN TRAY, OPENS IT. MARIA: (OFF) Mr Godot will be with you in a minute. LIGHTS VERY SLOWLY FADE, AS GODOT WORKS. HE STOPS, LOOKS INTO SPACE FOR A MOMENT . WIPES HIS EYE QUICKLY, AS IF THERE IS A TEAR, BLOWS HIS NOSE, RESUMES HIS WORK. PICKS UP A FOLDER. GODOT: Anatole and Valentine....Richards. On his own. Funny..... LIGHTS FADE. -----------------------------------END----------------------------------