MY FAIR LADIES by Dave Christner © David W. Christner 1995 DRAMATIS PERSONAE: EZRA--16-year-old manchild of Japanese, Irish and Native American extraction. ROSEABETH--17, a preacher's daughter and Ezra's steady. FONDA--17, another preacher's daughter, said to be "wild." PHIL--17 a friend of Ezra's. OGDEN--17, another friend of Ezra's. SCENE I SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP on the front porch of a white frame house. The time is the 1950s when the country and its youth were still relatively innocent. Two adolescents, ROSEABETH BASCOM and EZRA CASEY are seated in an old hanging porch swing, sipping lemon-ade, holding hands and gazing at the stars, glittering in the night sky. In the background we HEAR the occasional low growl of rolling THUNDER and the ropes of the swing creaking against the weight of EZRA and ROSEABETH. Now and then the set is illuminated by heat LIGHTNING far off on the horizon. EZRA (awed): Roseabeth, do you even think 'bout--'bout space and the stars, the vastness of it all, the nature of the cosmos, and what we're doing here. (She looks at him curiously) ROSEABETH: What's there to think 'bout, Ezra? We're jist sittin' here drinkin' our lemonade. I was wonderin' 'bout one thing though. EZRA: What? ROSEABETH: Oh, 'bout whether you think I'm pretty or not. Do you? Think I'm pretty? EZRA:Pretty's not the word for it, Roseabeth. ROSEABETH: Well, what is the word for it, Ezra? EZRA: Beautiful is more like it. ROSEABETH: Do you think I'm beautiful then? EZRA: Now that's a silly question, Roseabeth. ROSEABETH: Why, I don't see anythin' so silly 'bout it. Either you think I'm beautiful or you don't. (He studies her appreciatively.) EZRA: Roseabeth, you're 'bout the beautifulest girl in Mansfield. (ROSEABETH'S smile fades to a pout.) ROSEABETH: What do you mean "'bout the most beautifulest", Ezra? EZRA (straining): Is that what I said? "'Bout the most beautifulest?" ROSEABETH (irritated): It sure is. I heard you plain as day. Now what did you mean? EZRA: What I meant was that you're one of the most beautifulest girls in all Mansfield. ROSEABETH (curtly): Oh, I see what you mean now--one of. (A beat.) Well, who do you think is more beautiful? (EZRA sips his lemonade and stretches his neck and legs out from the swing.) EZRA: I didn't mean to say that I thought that anyone was more beautiful that you, Roseabeth. ROSEABETH (evenly): What did you mean? EZRA: Jist that there are a number of girls in Mansfield that are all 'bout the same--all real pretty--beautiful. ROSEABETH: For instance?" EZRA: Well, you, like I said, and Norma and Kathy and Heather and Patricia and Elizabeth and Fonda and . . . ROSEABETH (irritated): That's enough, Ezra! I git the point. EZRA: Okay, okay. Jeeze!" (ROSEABETH fills her glass with lemonade and gulps down the entire glass.) ROSEABETH: I don't see how you can say we're all 'bout the same when some of us are tall and some short, some with blond hair and some brunette, some with freckles and some without." EZRA (thinks, then): I should of said equivalent instead of the same, Roseabeth. There are a number of girls in Mansfield who I consider to be of equivalent but not necessarily identical beauty. It's a matter of personal preference, I reckon. ROSEABETH: What is? EZRA: What is, what?" ROSEABETH: Whatever you're talking 'bout. EZRA (confused): Personal preference? ROSEABETH: Yes, that's what we're talkin' 'bout--personal preference. And yours obviously don't lie with brunettes! EZRA: Of course mine lies with brunettes, Roseabeth. Otherwise, why would I be your steady? ROSEABETH: Well, that is jist what I'd like to know. If Fonda was a brunette and I was a blond, you might jist as well be her steady! EZRA: But you are a brunette, Roseabeth! ROSEABETH: That's exactly the point I'm tryin' to make--that you would go out with any brunette without any regard whatsoever 'bout a girl's other characteristics. EZRA (under his breath): I'm beginning to see your point. ROSEABETH: What?! EZRA: I said, I see your point. ROSEABETH: And you of all people, Ezra Casey. I'd expect you to look beyond the mere physical aspects of a girl's beauty. I mean, do you think it matters to me that you're part Chinese? EZRA: Japanese, Roseabeth. My mother is Japanese, not Chinese. ROSEABETH: Whatever, and part Cherokee Indian? EZRA: Kiowa! And it's actually the Irish part that causes most of the trouble. ROSEABETH: You see, Ezra, I look beyond what you look like to what you really are. EZRA: And jist what is that, Roseabeth? I'd like to know myself. ROSEABETH: Well, you're on the honor roll in school, class president, All-state in basketball, and you git along with 'bout everybody, 'cept Daddy, of course. (EZRA pours them both some more lemonade.) EZRA (mulling it): You really think I'm all those things? ROSEABETH: It's a fact, Ezra. "Why, what'd you think you are? EZRA (anxiously): Jist a kid tryin' to make some sense outta growin' up. And half afraid to 'cause I don't much like what I see in the adult world. ROSEABETH: What don't you like, Ezra? EZRA: The poverty, the misery, prejudice, all the bad things. ROSEABETH: Well all you gotta do is shut your eyes and you won't see all those awful things. That's what I do. EZRA: I tried that a few times, Roseabeth. But when I opened my eyes all the bad things were still there, and most of'em had gotten worse! ROSEABETH: Daddy says that when bad things happen to people they're bein' punished for their sins. God see s 'em all. EZRA: Roseabeth, you're talkin' like preacher's daughter. ROSEABETH: I am a preacher's daughter! EZRA: The people weren't sinnin' that I know of--a bunch of poor people in India washed out to sea in a typhoon. ROSEABETH: That's 'cause they weren't Christians! EZRA: In Italy a bunch more were buried in a earthquake, jist simple people that didn't even have the energy to be bad. ROSEABETH: That's 'cause they weren't Protestants! EZRA: Well, what 'bout those people in Ardmore got hit by that tornado? ROSEABETH: They was Methodists! EZRA: And those Baptists in Shawnee? What the heck were they doin'? ROSEABETH: Don't you know? EZRA: Evidently, I don't. ROSEABETH: The preacher's wife was jist runnin' all over the county with the Choir Director, and they was the exact ones who was killed when lightin' struck the church steeple. Now if that's not bein' punished for your sins, I don't know what is. EZRA: What about everybody else, Roseabeth? You think God would do things like that to people He don't even know? ROSEABETH: Well, I don't reckon He'd do it to somebody He was real chummy with. It's all in the Bible, Ezra. Daddy can show you. EZRA: But, Roseabeth, it don't make any sense! None of it. ROSEABETH: Not to you, 'cause you question every little thing. Some of us jist accept what the Lord says in the Gospel; that makes things a lot easier. But you gotta go 'round frettin' all the time 'cause the world don't work right. You'd be a lot happier, and I might add, a whole lot better company if you'd stop frettin' and start believin'. God knows what He's doin'! Speakin' of things of a theological nature, I hope you recall that I'll be goin' off to church camp next week. EZRA: I know that, Roseabeth. You must of told me 12 times already. ROSEABETH: That's 'cause you're so forgetful. EZRA: I have a great memory, Roseabeth. ROSEABETH: Of course you do, Ezra. For things like--baseball statistics-- that are of no importance at all. EZRA: To you. ROSEABETH: Which is exactly my point! You don't recall anythin' that's important to me. Now do you? EZRA: Like what? (She gives him one of her looks.) ROSEABETH: Now that's jist what I'm talking 'bout, Ezra. You don't even remember what it is that you're not supposed to forget. EZRA: Well, you don't have to tell me anymore. I know you're goin' to church camp next week. ROSEABETH (waits, then): Is that all? EZRA (carefully): Is that all what? ROSEABETH: Is that all you gonna say?" EZRA (groping): Well, Mantle hit two home runs last night, had seven RBIs. ROSEABETH: Oh, Ezra, I don't care beans 'bout the New York Dodgers! EZRA: Yankees! ROSEABETH: Well, I don't care nothin' for them either. You could at least say you're gonna miss me. EZRA: Well, of course, I'm gonna miss you, Roseabeth; that goes without sayin', but not until you leave. How can I miss you when you're sitting right next to me lookin' as pretty as . . . ROSEABETH: Kathy or Fonda or Elizabeth or Heather! EZRA: That's not what I was gonna say. ROSEABETH: Oh, Ezra, you don't havta actually miss me now, but you could at least start worring 'bout it. (EZRA takes off his ball cap and scratches his head.) EZRA: Why should I worry 'bout it before hand? ROSEABETH: Well I am! EZRA: Then don't go; you've been 'bout a hundred times already. It's the same old thing year after year. ROSEABETH: I want to go. EZRA: You do? ROSEABETH: Yes, I do. EZRA: How come? ROSEABETH: Because--because I think the separation will be good for us. EZRA: But you jist said that you're already worried 'bout missing me. ROSEABETH: I am. And I'll miss you whether you miss me or not. EZRA: I'll miss you, Roseabeth; you know that. ROSEABETH: Then you come too. EZRA: Oh no, not after what happened last year! ROSEABETH: That wasn't your fault. How could you know that God was gonna reveal Himself to you in the form of a woodchuck. EZRA: I couldn't of known it, Roseabeth. Nobody could of known it, but when He did it, nobody believed me either. So I was humiliated--the first kid ever to get kicked outta camp for commitin' heresy and blasphemy. ROSEABETH: The blasphemy was your fault. EZRA: Well, I'm not goin' back to any church camp under any circumstances. I--I've got plenty of stuff to do here. Besides . . . I think the separation will be good for us. ROSEABETH: What on earth do you mean by that? EZRA: Jist that--that, I don't know, maybe--maybe you're right: maybe we are seeing too much of each other. ROSEABETH: I had no idea you felt like that! Maybe I'll stay a month. EZRA: Roseabeth, all I'm doin' is repeating the statement you made a second ago. I didn't mean anythin'. ROSEABETH: And all I'm sayin' is that I had no idea that you felt that way! EZRA(concerned): Roseabeth, I don't know how to feel or how you want me to feel. You're the one that . . . ROSEABETH: If I'm away a while, maybe you'll appreciate me a little more when I git home. We'll see. EZRA: Roseabeth, I appreciate you now. I jist don't . . . ROSEABETH: Don't what? EZRA: Understand you. ROSEABETH: That's 'cause you spend so little time with me when I am here. EZRA: What? ROSEABETH: What'd you gonna do while I'm gone, Ezra? EZRA(very carefully): Miss you? ROSEABETH: What else? EZRA: Oh, jist sit around gazin' at your picture and think 'bout how easy you are to git along with. ROSEABETH: Ezra, what are you really gonna do? EZRA: Help 'round the house; play some ball, ride my bike, read, talk with Doc. Maybe I'll take in a movie or two. ROSEABETH: Oh, I see. (A beat.) And jist who will you be goin' to the movies with? EZRA: Doc, I reckon or Uncle Silas and Mariko. Maybe I'll go by my ownself. ROSEABETH: And that's all? EZRA (carefully): What are you gittin' at, Roseabeth? ROSEABETH: Jist that ordinarily, people don't go to the movies by themselves. EZRA: Well then maybe I'll be goin' with some of my adolescent chums. ROSEABETH: But not with any members of the fairer sex? EZRA: Girls? ROSEABETH: Yes, girls! (EZRA is a little confused.) EZRA (rationally): No, 'cause I'm goin' steady with you. ROSEABETH: And if you weren't? EZRA: Roseabeth, don't do this to me. Talk to me of metaphysics, the nature of human existence, the chicken or the egg, Mr. Einstein's Theory of Relativity. But please don't start with one of your hypothetical situations. ROSEABETH: I'm not startin' anythin', Ezra, that you didn't already start when you implied by your silence that you'd take somebody else to the movies if you weren't goin' steady with me. EZRA: How did I imply something by my silence? ROSEABETH: Oh, you do it all the time, Ezra Casey! EZRA: But, Roseabeth . . . I am goin' steady with you! ROSEABETH: What difference does that make? EZRA: It makes all the difference in the world 'cause as long as I'm goin' steady with you, I won't be goin' to the movies with anybody else, even if I have a notion to. ROSEABETH: Which you so obviously do! EZRA: Okay, Roseabeth, I'll admit that I do sometimes wonder what it would be like to go to the movies with somebody. But that don't mean that I'm gonna do it. ROSEABETH: Well, then what if I said you could jist go ahead and go out with anyone you darned well pleased while I'm gone? EZRA (suspiciously): Well, I reckon I'd pass Roseabeth. For two weeks I figure it'd be less troublesome to do without female companionship than to go to all the trouble of gittin' used to someone new. ROSEABETH: What do you mean exactly by trouble, Ezra? EZRA: Trouble was a poor choice of words, Roseabeth. I should of said . . . ROSEABETH: Worry? EZRA: No! ROSEABETH: Agony? EZRA: Roseabeth, will you stop it? What I meant was-- ROSEABETH: "Trouble" is what you said, and I reckon trouble is jist what you meant. Now if I'm so much trouble I don't know why you bother to go out with me anyhow! EZRA: You're not now. ROSEABETH: But I was. Oh, great! EZRA: Roseabeth, the trouble wasn't with you; it was with me. ROSEABETH: I'll bet! EZRA: Roseabeth, what I mean was that it would be a lot of trouble for me to git used to someone new. That's all. ROSEABETH: I see. You're already--used--to me. And bored! Which is why you want to go out with somebody else. EZRA: Roseabeth, I don't. ROSEABETH: Well, if that's the way you feel, you jist go right ahead--maybe you're right--maybe we are seein' too much of each other. Besides, there's a good chance I'll be selected queen of the camp, and if I am, that means I'll have to go to the coronation dinner with the king, whoever he might be. EZRA: Roseabeth, if that's what this is all about, all you had to do was say so. I don't give a hang 'bout who you go to any ole coronation dinner with. ROSEABETH: You don't? EZRA: No, why I'd pleased as pie for you to be queen of the camp. ROSEABETH: And what if--what if the king had to--kiss me? EZRA: He could do a whole lot worse. ROSEABETH: That's not what I mean, Ezra! EZRA: Then I don't reckon one kiss would do any harm. (She studies him momentarily.) ROSEABETH: Oh--ooooh, I see what you're doin' plain as day now, Ezra Casey. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, huh? EZRA: Jeeze! ROSEABETH: Don't you swear at me, Ezra Casey. EZRA: Roseabeth, you jist go ahead and do whatever you want to do, and leave me out of it. ROSEABETH: Ezra, I can't leave you out of it 'cause you're my steady. All I want to do is to do what's right, what's fair. So, if I have to go out with the king, whoever he may be, then I thought you ought to know that I'd have no objection to you goin' out with someone while I'm gone. Isn't that fair? EZRA (doubtfully): Okay, that's fair. ROSEABETH: But that don't mean you havta go out with someone. (EZRA thinks for a moment.) EZRA: I know, but . . . I want to be fair. ROSEABETH: That's the most important thing--to be fair. EZRA: I know. "Cause you are the fairer sex And that's what I want to--to be fair. ROSEABETH: Then you will go out with someone? EZRA: If you insist, Roseabeth. ROSEABETH: I'm not insistin', Ezra! I'm doin' nothin' of the kind. EZRA: But to be fair I have to. Cause if I didn't and you did, you'd probably feel real bad, now wouldn't you? ROSEABETH: Well, of course, I would, Ezra, but-- EZRA: And I couldn't stand the thought of you feelin' all down and out on my behalf. So, to be fair, and to keep you from feelin' guilty, I reckon I'll havta go out with someone--jist to be fair. ROSEABETH (innocently): But what if I'm not selected queen? EZRA: Huh? ROSEABETH: That would mean that you would be at home jist havin' yourself a grand ole time, hobnobbin' with all the pretty girls while I'm at church camp doin' nothin' but singin' and prayin' all day and night. That wouldn't be fair! EZRA: No, I don't suppose it would. ROSEABETH: Then what shall we do, Ezra? EZRA (reluctantly): Well, maybe you should go out with someone even if your not selected queen of the camp.. ROSEABETH: Why, Ezra, that's a good idea. I wouldn't of thought of that in a million years. EZRA (skeptically): No, I don't reckon you would of. ROSEABETH: If you insist, I guess that's what I'll do. EZRA (irritated): I don't recall insistin'! ROSEABETH: But it's only fair. You said so yourself. Okay? EZRA: Okay. ROSEABETH: Okay, I won't say another word about it. Okay? EZRA: Okay! (Ezra stares into her eyes as she pours them both some lemonade. Then she settles back in the swing with her head on his shoulder. There is a flash of LIGHTNING and the low growl of THUNDER in the distance.) ROSEABETH: Ezra, while I'm gone to camp . . . you can go out with 'bout anyone you please, 'cept for one girl. EZRA (thinks, then): Fonda? ROSEABETH (nods): It's not that I have anythin' against her personally, but, you have to admit, her reputation is . . . not exactly what you'd call pristine. EZRA (smiling): I know. SCENE II (LIGHTS COME DOWN SLOWLY and Roseabeth EXITS. LIGHTS COME UP ON EZRA as he walks downstage to address the audience.) EZRA: The Monday following Rosabeth's Sunday departure I took Fonda over to my house for dinner, then to Madison to see "Streetcar Named Desire." I had hoped to learn something about sex from her, and I did, but my own, not hers. I don't know how to explain it, but the evening was very confusing, especially for me. Things were complicated by the fact that Fonda was a whole lot more than I thought she was, and, I suppose, 'cause I was somethin' less than I was supposed to be. Anyway, like I said, I took her to my house for dinner. No one had ever done that with her before, and she was fascinated with the stories that Doc, my grandfather, and my mom had to tell about the things they'd seen and lived through. Not all of it was a pretty story, of course. Most of it wasn't, but it was history happening to people you knew, and, in my case loved, and sometimes it hurt an awful lot to hear about it because so much of history is the story of people doing awful things to other people, usually for some "noble" cause. And it makes you think that you are part of history too, and that if you aren't careful you might end up doing awful things yourself, whether you mean to or not. (A beat.) After the movie we were sitting out on Fonda's porch, talking, and I was trying to get up nerve enough just to hold hands. That's when the evening just went all to pieces. (LIGHTS COME DOWN on Ezra and COME UP ON FONDA on another part of the stage. She is a lovely blond of 17, a year older than Ezra at this point. She is wearing a pale yellow sun dress. As the scene begins EZRA ENTERS, sits beside her and keeps brushing his hand against hers.) FONDA: Well, I've never heard history told like Doc and your Mom tell it. Imagine, Ezra, when Doc was born we didn't even have cars or airplanes. EZRA: I know. No Hank Williams or Elvis. What a world. FONDA: Do you think we'll see changes like that? EZRA: Doc says we will; says we'll see people on the moon and Mars. Say we're embarkin' upon a new age of science and technology--Mr. Huxley's, Brave New World. FONDA: What's that? EZRA: A book, 'bout the future, kinda. FONDA: Good? EZRA: No, it's awful. FONDA: What'd you read it for? EZRA: It's the future that's awful, not the book. FONDA: Oh. (A beat.) I think it's excitin', everythin' that's gonna happen, all we gotta learn and live through. Kinda scary too, sometimes. EZRA: Yeah, real scary. FONDA: Ezra, you know, in some ways you're really very mature. EZRA (confidently): I know. That's 'cause of biology. FONDA: I was actually thinkin' of how bright you are, things you git from books and from talkin' with Doc and Mariko, and all that broodin' you do 'bout the world not workin' right. EZRA: Oh, I see what you mean . . . but, I'm also pretty hairy. FONDA (suppressing her laughter): Then I suppose, too, that there are a number of things you don't know much about. EZRA: Girls, you mean? FONDA: Frankly, yes. Like you been tryin' to decide all evening' whether to hold hands with me or not, now haven't you? EZRA: I been . . . considerin' it. FONDA (taking his hand): Then jist do it. For cryin' out loud, Ezra, girls don't mind holdin' hands with their date. And you gotta let a girl know what you want. EZRA: I guess I didn't know that. Roseabeth always lets me know what she wants. FONDA: How come you go out with her anyhow? You've got about as much in common with her as you have a diamondback rattler. Besides, I think she's two-timing you with Jason. EZRA: I know all 'bout that. Roseabeth is jist tryin' to convert him. FONDA: Well, good for her. Ezra . . . EZRA: What? FONDA: It sure was nice of you to take me to your house for dinner. Nobody ever did that with me before. EZRA: Well, I don't know why not. FONDA: Well . . . I do. But I don't think it's fair. EZRA: What? FONDA: About how some things are awful if girls do'em, but jist great if boys do. EZRA: Yeah, I don't think so either. (A beat.) Like what? FONDA: Never mind, Ezra. You--never . . . EZRA: Never what? I might of. FONDA: I'd better go. EZRA: No, wait! (He slips his arm around her, pulls her to him and attempts to kiss her.) FONDA: Ezra! What on earth are you doin'? EZRA: Well, I--I wanted to show you my intentions, jist like you said I outta do. I--wanted to--to kiss you. FONDA: On the first date? EZRA: In case there wasn't a second. FONDA: What kinda girl do you think I am? EZRA: Well, I thought . . . FONDA (icily): Thought what? (He just stares at her then looks away.) FONDA (bitterly): Oh, I guess you've heard plenty of stores 'bout me. Haven't you, Ezra Casey? Stories 'bout how wild and easy I am. (A beat.) Is that why you asked me out? Is it? EZRA (woodenly): I guess so. (A beat or two.) But--but I don't feel that way now, Fonda. I had a swell time. FONDA: But not as swell as you'd like to of had! EZRA: Different. Probably a whole lot better. (She suddenly squeezes close to him, shuts her eyes and thrust her chest out.) FONDA (bitterly): All right. Go ahead! Kiss me. Feel me up all you want. (A few beats.) Go on; it's jist like holdin' hands. (Ezra can't move.) Go on! EZRA: I don't want to. FONDA: Why not? That's what you're here for. (A beat.) What's wrong? EZRA: I feel kinda rotten 'bout the whole thing. I didn't know we'd have such a good time, didn't know I'd--I'd like you so much. FONDA (touching his arm): All right, we'll forget all 'bout this, pretend it never happened. I'm sorry I got so upset with you, Ezra, but now do you understand? It jist isn't--fair! EZRA: Yeah, I think so. But Fonda, I don't even care 'bout all those stories now. Guys are always bragging 'bout stuff that never happens, and I'd like you jist the same whether they're true or not. (She smiles and they sit for a moment in silence.) EZRA (carefully): Fonda, would you be offended if I tried to kiss you now? FONDA: No. FONDA: I'd probably be offended if you didn't. But that doesn't mean I'd let you. EZRA (confused): Why wouldn't you? FONDA: 'Cause I'm fond of you, Ezra. EZRA (slipping an arm around her): I'm fond of you too, Fonda. That's why I want to kiss you. FONDA: And that's jist why I can't let you. EZRA (retracting his arm): I don't understand that, Fonda. FONDA: That's 'cause you're still pretty immature, Ezra. EZRA: Immature! FONDA: Ezra, I know 'bout how boys are, and I know how I am and one thing leads to another even if you don't particularly like each other. That's why I can't let you kiss me, Ezra. EZRA: But you would if you weren't fond of me Fonda? FONDA: I'd be a lot more likely to. That way I wouldn't mind hating you and maybe even myself later if things got off in the wrong direction. EZRA: I don't give a hang 'bout direction! FONDA: But I do. Besides, you don't even know where a kiss might lead. Ezra, I jist don't want to git involved with you 'cause you're so nice. EZRA: No. No! I'm not! Honest. Those are all lies. Lies! FONDA: Yes, you are. You're a sweet kid, and I don't want to change you. EZRA: It's okay. I don't mind. FONDA: Well, I do. You have an unblemished reputation. EZRA: That's not my fault! FONDA: Besides, you're still goin' steady with Roseabeth; until that changes I figure I'd better not see you again. It'll be easier for both of us. I do like you, Ezra, and I know I'm doin' the right thing by sayin' no to you. Now you jist run along now; stay as sweet as you are, and thanks for the wonderful time. I love your family. (She gives him a peck on the cheeks then EXITS through a door upstage. A CLEAR POOL OF LIGHT is focused on EZRA as he thinks, then stands and begins pacing downstage.) EZRA: The only logical conclusion I could draw from the experience was that it was as hard to live down a good reputation as it was a bad one. You've thought that would have ended it but it didn't. Over the week that followed that one, things only got worse for everyone concerned. First, I ran into my pal, Phil Vandaver. (PHIL enters and meets EZRA on the "street" DOWNSTAGE.) PHIL: Hey, Ezra. Hear you been seein' Fonda. EZRA: Yeah, we sorta went out once. PHIL (winking, smiling): How'd you make out? Huh? Huh? EZRA: I didn't do anything. She's really a very nice girl. PHIL (thinks, then): You sly devil. You got some, didn't ya? Huh? Huh? EZRA (earnestly): Phil, I'm tellin' you the truth. She's not like that at all. All we did was . . . where you goin'? PHIL (hurrying away): To spread the good news. EZRA: Phil! No! Wait! (A beat. Then to audience.) It got worse. Even when I tried to change it. The same afternoon, I had the misfortune of crossing paths with Ogden Burgatroid. (OGDEN enters.) OGDEN: Hey, Ez, I hear congratulations are in order. EZRA: Huh? OGDEN: Huh's ass. Don't give me that innocent act. You took Fonda out. EZRA: Oh no. OGDEN: Tell me. How was she? Huh? Huh? EZRA (thinks, then): Oh, you know, Ogden. You've been around. OGDEN (thinks, then): You lyin' dog. You didn't do anything; you wouldn't of had the nerve. (He rushes off.) EZRA: Don't tell anybody. I don't want my reputation to git all . . . ruined or unruined . . . or whatever? (A beat. Then to audience.) It wasn't over yet. I still had Fonda and Roseabeth do hear from. (FONDA enters in tears.) EZRA: Hi, Fonda. FONDA (slaps him and exits): Ezra Casey! How could you? EZRA: Fonda, how could I what? (A beat. To audience.) A few days later, Roseabeth got home from church camp. (ROSEABETH enters.) EZRA: Hi, Roseabeth. ROSEABETH (slaps him): Ezra Casey! How could you? EZRA: How could I what? ROSEABETH (exiting): You know perfectly well, what! Go out with--that girl! EZRA: Oh, that. (LIGHTS FADE SLOWLY TO BLACK.) CURTAIN Dave Christner 17 Bliss Road Newport, RI 02840 Phone (401) 849-3611 email: dwcpwright@awi.net