FAMILY MATTERS by Dave Christner CAST OF CHARACTERS (4 male, 3 female) ABBY ADAMS 44, a freelance illustrator. DAN CASEY 48, an advertising executive, Abby's husband. SARAH CASEY 68, Dan's mother. CLAUDIA ADAMS 72, Abby's mother. PETER MASON 60, an AA sponsor. RUSS NEARY 70, a gentleman caller. STAN WALKER 70, a gentleman caller. The Setting The home of a successful well-adjusted modern couple anywhere in the US or British Isles. The play begins in a cemetery and then moves to various locations in a fine house. Locations include a kitchen (where the bulk of the action occurs) and a couple of different bedrooms. The theatre's fiscal resources and physical space will dictate the degree of sophistication and realism of the set. The "idea" of these locations will be sufficient for the play to work. The Time The present. Playwright's Note While the audience is being seated and prior to curtain rise, it is suggested that a series of slides be projected somewhere in the theatre on a darkened wall. The slides will depict "family" in all of its wonderful diversity from cradle to grave. The pictures need not be professionally shot; in fact, pictures from ordinary albums will work best. To give the play regional appeal, the photos should include shots of recognized personalities in each production location. Photos of families of national prominence can be included as well. The point is to depict family in a variety of forms--past and present, rich and poor, known and unknown, traditional and non-traditional. No narration or music should accompany the slides. A continuation of this slide show will also be very useful during the transitions between the play's many scenes. If a slide presentation is not possible, music should be used during transitions between scenes. dwc FAMILY MATTERS by Dave Christner ACT I, SCENE I SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP SLOWLY on four people huddled around a fresh grave site. ABBY ADAMS, 44, and DAN CASEY, 48, her husband, are supporting two older women, their mothers: SARAH CASEY, 68, and CLAUDIA ADAMS, 72. Dan and Abby are a vibrant middle-aged couple who are living in the luxury of the empty nest. Their mothers are remarkably attractive, active and articulate, but not prepared emotionally to live out their "golden years" alone. Sarah is, on the surface, a prim and proper "lady"; Claudia is much more of a rebel and seemingly independent, but she is as unsure and frightened about her future as Sarah. The gathering is burying Sarah's husband which makes her a widow like her counterpart, Claudia. It is late in the day. The light is soft, doves can be heard mourning in the background. DAN (to Sarah) It's time to go, Mom. SARAH Not yet; just a little longer, please. DAN It will be dark soon. We have to go. SARAH What am I going to do? DAN We're going to take you home-- SARAH My home? (Dan looks to Abby for help.) ABBY No, our home. Some friends will be there--your friends. DAN There will be food and drinks. CLAUDIA Drinks? Did someone say, "drinks?" ABBY Mother! SARAH This is so awful. CLAUDIA It doesn't last; you'll get over it--him--sorry. SARAH I'll never get over him; how can you be so cruel? DAN She was trying to help, Mom. She's been through this herself. SARAH I know--twice. CLAUDIA Which is why I know you'll get over it--him. Damn! ABBY (giving her mother a look) Dan, take Mom and you two go ahead. We'll catch up. Your mom just needs a few more minutes to say good-bye. (Dan nods, takes Claudia's arm and they start up the path away from the grave.) SARAH Oh, Abby, I don't know what I'm going to do. ABBY You'll do fine; you'll see. And you're not by yourself. You have us. (On the word "us", Sarah clutches Abby's arm and pulls close to her as the LIGHTS COME DOWN SLOWLY. SLIDE SHOW RUNS DURING TRANSITION.) ACT I, SCENE II A FEW WEEKS LATER SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP SLOWLY on SARAH and ABBY in Abby's kitchen where they drying and putting away dishes. Sarah is finishing up a glass of red wine. SARAH Henry did everything, you know. Maintenance on the house, paid the bills; took care of the gardening and lawn. Looking back on it, all those years, I think I was nothing more than a drinking companion and social secretary. ABBY You were more than that. SARAH What more? ABBY You were his support system. SARAH And I wanted to be a wife. ABBY Sarah, Henry never would have gotten ... SARAH Where he is today without me? ABBY What I meant was that ... Henry wouldn't have been such a success if he hadn't had you at his side. SARAH Oh, I don't know. I think Henry would have been a success regardless of who was at his side. He was driven. Worked himself to death you know; even after he retired. And for what? (A beat.) I don't think he even knew his son, nor Dan him. They had this superficial man-to-man kind of relationship based on how the Red Sox or Bruins or Celtics were doing. (Substitute names of local teams.) ABBY Men are big on superficial. It keeps things nice and simple. SARAH (filling her wine glass) And we women are always so straightforward. ABBY Sometimes too much so. Other times not enough ... which I suppose men find confusing. SARAH We have to keep them on-guard. (A beat.) I have something ... to share with you; shall I give it to you straight? ABBY The last time you did that you told me you why I shouldn't marry your son. SARAH And you know how sorry I am about that? ABBY That I married him? SARAH No. You know better than that. I'm sorry to have been so--wrong about you. You're perfect for Dan, and I had no idea that ... we'd get along so. ABBY Since that's the case, I suppose you can be straightforward. SARAH So you can take it like a man? ABBY I'll try not to. SARAH (sips her wine, then) Very well, then ... I think what it comes down to--is that after living with superman for so many years, I'm not at all equipped to handle ... things on my own. ABBY What things? SARAH Oh ... life. (She starts to break.) ABBY Sarah, what is it? SARAH Oh, Abby, I'm ... so frightened; I'm lonely. I'm in that huge house all by myself; the walls echo with silence; then there are noises at night; it's so ... empty and cold. I'm afraid of growing old all alone and dying all by myself, miserable and unloved. (Tries to smile.) Just that. (Abby goes over and embraces her.) ABBY You're not alone. SARAH No, not right now. ABBY You're always welcome here, you know that. SARAH Yes, I know, on Sundays for dinner? ABBY Anytime. SARAH For dinner? ABBY No, not for dinner; I mean, yes, of course for dinner, but ... more than that. SARAH More ...? ABBY (thinking) Yes! You're welcome here more--than just for dinner. You're welcome to ... stay with us. SARAH To stay with you? (She studies Abby as Abby thinks.) ABBY Yes, you're welcome here. SARAH For dinner. ABBY (straining) More than dinner ... if you need us. We're family, and family matters. SARAH How much more do you mean? ABBY (struggling) Do I have to say it? SARAH Not unless you want to. ABBY Okay, I'll say it. You're welcome to ... stay with us for as long as you like. SARAH (evenly) How about for as long as you like? ABBY You're welcome to stay here ... permanently. SARAH To move in with you? ABBY Yes! To move in. To live with us permanently. (A beat.) The last thing I--we--want is for you to feel unloved, unwanted. SARAH Dan would have a fit. ABBY No, he wouldn't. We've talked about this--just last week. (A beat.) The kids are gone. We have two vacant bedrooms and a bath. You'd have space for your things, a place to make your own. SARAH I've already had an inquiry about my house; I could sell and help with your mortgage. ABBY Keep the money; our mortgage is practically paid; the kids are through school. Things are just ... very comfortable for us right now. And I think it would be wonderful if you and Dan could--reconnect. SARAH You mean connect. I don't think we've been connected since he stopped nursing. ABBY Okay, connect. My dream is for you and Dan to appreciate each other. Isn't that something you'd like to do? SARAH It's my dream, but I don't know if either one of us knows how to connect. There are things he doesn't know. And I'm sure that are any number of things in both of our histories that we can't or refuse to forgive each other for. Just little hurts and minor tragedies that are buried somewhere in our collective pasts. I'm sure that's why we don't get along even now after so many years. ABBY Those are the very things you should deal with. You don't have to keep fighting now. You and Dan are all that's left of your nuclear family. SARAH (thinks, then) Abby, I know you mean well, and I really appreciate what you're trying to do. But if I know anything about my son, it's that he left home soon as he was able, and he never came back. And I'm certain that he left, even if unconsciously, to get away from me. To put us in the same house together again after all these years ... well, I just don't know. ABBY Dan will be fine. I told you, we've already discussed this. SARAH And he agreed to it? ABBY In ... principle. SARAH (breaking) I don't know what to say; I'm so grateful! I've been so depressed and lonely. ABBY You're not alone. SARAH (finishing her wine) Thank you. Thank you! ABBY Get your things. I'll drive you home. SARAH You don't have to do that. ABBY I wouldn't dream of sending you out by yourself in this condition? SARAH What condition? ABBY At this hour, I mean. (Sarah crosses to Abby; she is a little unsteady from the wine.) ABBY You'll need to make a list of what needs to be done, what you want to keep, what you can get rid of, want you want to bring with you. (They embrace as the LIGHTS BEGIN TO FADE.) SARAH You'll tell Dan the wonderful news? ABBY Yes, as soon as I get back. SARAH I'm so happy. ABBY So am I--are--we--us. SARAH How do you think Dan will take it? ABBY I think he'll be ... very excited. SARAH (exiting) A family again. How wonderful! (LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK. BEGIN FAMILY SLIDES.) ACT I, SCENE III LATER THAT NIGHT SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP SLOWLY on ABBY and DAN CASEY, 48, her husband, a no-nonsense advertising executive. They are in the master bedroom; Dan is sitting in bed reading; Abby is sitting in front of her dressing table brushing her hair. There is a door stage right leading to their bath. DAN Can I do that? ABBY I don't think you have enough hair. DAN For you? ABBY If you'd like. DAN I'd like it very much. ABBY I think I would too; it makes me feel close to you. (He crosses to her, takes the brush and begins stroking her hair.) ABBY Feels good. DAN Your hair is like long strands of the finest silk. ABBY (touching his hand) I bet you tell all the girls that. DAN (touching her shoulder) Not anymore. ABBY Dan-- DAN And your skin has the incredible softness about it. ABBY Honey-- DAN (slipping a hand inside her gown) And you have all these marvelous curves and crevices-- ABBY Dan ... please! DAN What's wrong? ABBY Nothing. Nothing is wrong! (A beat.) Why does something have to be wrong? DAN Nothing has to be wrong. I was just being affectionate. We have all this time to ourselves now; we can be spontaneous; we make love in the middle of the living room if we want. Our lives are our own again. The kids are on their own, finally. For the first time in 20 some years we don't have company in the house. It's heaven. So believe me--nothing is wrong! (A beat.) With me. Is something wrong with you? Or us? ABBY No, it isn't that something is wrong; it's just that ... I don't know. Sometimes it seems lonely around here; I mean, I go to my studio and work here all day by myself; you get to go an office full of people. You have human contact. I don't. I think I actually miss the patter of little feet around here, the phone ringing, the activity. There was something vital and reassuring about all that living going on around us. (Dan turns her to him.) DAN Tell you what: I'll call more often. I'll get you on every telemarketing contact list in the country. I'll hire you a nanny. You'll beg for mercy. ABBY I don't want that. I want--meaningful contact with another human being. Someone who's important to me. DAN I'm another human being. Aren't I important? ABBY Of course your are. But, Honey, you're not always here. And sometimes when you're working on a campaign, you're not even here when you are here. DAN Abby, stop this right now! I hate it when you do this. ABBY When I do what? DAN What you're doing. You're trying to tell me something without telling me what it is that you're trying to tell me. (A beat.) Honey, I'll do anything to make you happy, but you have to let me know what you want. Don't talk in circles. I don't understand the female code. ABBY There's no code! I'm just trying to tell you that it's a little lonely around here--with everybody gone. Don't you ever feel it? Don't you sense the emptiness, the silence? DAN Well, yeah, I do--sometimes. Sometimes I miss the--what'd you call it: "the patter of little feet?" The mid-level of insanity that kept us all from going crazy. But life is a series of compromises; we're free to be crazy now ourselves, to do whatever we want, whenever we want. And a little solitude is the price we have to pay for our freedom. That's not such a terrible price. ABBY You loved having the kids around--even when they were grown. Admit it. It made you feel important and in charge of something, responsible. DAN Yeah, I enjoyed it; they're great kids. But it was time for them to go; I think all of us were hanging on to some extent. Them for fear of leaving and us for fear of not having them around. But it was the right thing; Now they're fine and so are we. At least I thought we were. ABBY No, you're right. Of course we are, It's just that--I have something to tell you. DAN Something to tell me? ABBY Yes, some ... news. DAN News? ABBY Stop repeating everything I say. I hate it when you do that! DAN Sorry! (A beat.) News, you said? ABBY Yes, news. But I'm not sure how best ... to phrase it. DAN I don't like the sound of this one bit. ABBY Don't get defensive. You haven't even heard it. DAN Give it to me straight, bottom line, no bullshit. ABBY That's not the way women communicate. (Dan throws the brush aside, runs to the bed, leaps in and pulls the sheet over his head.) ABBY What are you doing? DAN Hibernating! ABBY Don't you want to hear the news? DAN I've already heard enough to make me realize I don't want to hear it. ABBY You're being childish. DAN You're being evasive. ABBY You're hibernating and I'm being evasive! Right! DAN I just don't want to hear any damn news! ABBY Well, you're going to hear it anyway. DAN Please, no! (Covers his ears). Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! (She waits and goes on when he stops.) ABBY You know how you just admitted that you missed the patter of little feet around here? (He looks out from the sheets suspiciously.) DAN What? ABBY The pitter-patter of little feet? You just said you missed it. DAN I said I missed the patter, not the pitter. I don't miss the pitter. ABBY And you said you'd do anything to make me happy. DAN Almost anything. ABBY You didn't say almost; you said "anything." DAN I meant almost. ABBY Too late! DAN What's this all about, Abby? ABBY Well ... it looks like we're going to have a little addition to the family. DAN What? Oh my god! ABBY Let me finish? DAN Oh my god! ABBY Dan! There's more. DAN What more could there possibly be? ABBY Quite a lot actually. DAN Are you sure? ABBY Oh, I'm sure all right. DAN (groping) Starting over! ABBY In a sense. (He drops the sheet, dazed.) ABBY You haven't heard everything. DAN How long have you known? ABBY Not that long ... just since this evening. DAN I can't believe it! (A beat.) It's cool; it's incredibility cool. (Now concerned.) But--you're 45-- ABBY Forty-four! DAN Okay, 44. Still ... will you be okay? ABBY I'll be fine; I think you'll need to adjust more than me. DAN (excited) We need a name! Boy or girl--do you know? ABBY Girl--woman. DAN Felicity! How about Felicity? It means happiness. Or Vera, a variation of veracity which means truth. ABBY That doesn't quite fit in this case. I was thinking about ... Sarah? DAN After my mom? ABBY More or less; a lot more than less. DAN That's so sweet of you.(A beat.) Does she know? ABBY She knows! (Crosses and hugs her tenderly.) DAN God, it almost makes a man feel immortal ... imagine a new life in the world. ABBY Honey, it's not new life we're dealing with here. DAN What? ABBY Just keep holding me, okay? DAN Okay. But what do you mean, "not new life?" ABBY That's what I want to explain. (He starts to push her away.) ABBY Keep hold of me! DAN You're not pregnant? ABBY No, not pregnant. DAN Then what's this business of the patter of little feet around here? ABBY They're not that little. DAN How little are they? ABBY Hold me! DAN How little, Abby? ABBY About the size of your mother's. DAN What? Oh my god! ABBY The pitter-patter of little feet in our house is going to be coming from the feet of your very own mother who I have invited to move in with us. (Silence.) Honey, you're squeezing me too hard now. Honey, that hurts. (A beat.) Dan! Let go! (She breaks away; he stands motionless and speechless.) ABBY Honey? (He tries to speak, but can't.) ABBY Say something. DAN (struggling) You ...you ... ABBY Yes, go on. You can do it. DAN You. Mother. Here. Live. Us. Together. ABBY Yes, all of us here together--a family. The way it should be. DAN (snapping out of it) The way it should be? The way it should be! My mother in Anchorage and me in Key West is the way it should be for chrissake! You invited my mother to come live with us? ABBY And she accepted; she's thrilled. She's always felt as though she failed you as a mother; that's why you ran off at such an early age and never came back. She wants to be your mother again--for the first time. DAN Abby, this isn't some Disney movie; this is our life! ABBY It's your mother, Dan. DAN I'm 48 years old; I don't need a mother. Is this all a bunch of female idealism to combat the dissolution of the American family? ABBY It's not female idealism. It's about accepting responsibility for your loved ones. DAN You have no idea what you've done, Abby. My mother is a controlling wench that will make every effort to take over this household and make us both miserable. She's only happy when she knows somebody is more miserable than she is. And that somebody is usually me. ABBY You're overreacting. DAN How could you do this without talking with me? ABBY We did talk about it. DAN When? ABBY Last week. DAN (thinks, then) Last week? (A beat.) Last week! Now correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't we decide during that discussion that having either of our mothers move in with us was the last thing on earth that we wanted. ABBY I think nuclear holocaust was actually last on the list. DAN Not on mine! ABBY Dan! She's alone, frightened and lonely. And she's your mother. DAN That's not my fault. ABBY We have plenty of room. DAN You want company: I'll find someone else. I'll get a person off the street. I'll take in a drug lord; we can take in foster kids. Any person in the world other than my mother. Now that's not being too selective, is it? ABBY Dan, she needs us. DAN But we don't need her! ABBY That's the funny thing about need: we often don't need those who needs us most. But that doesn't me we abandon them. DAN In this case it does. ABBY Stop it; you don't mean that. I know you love your mother. DAN Of course, I love my mother, Abby. I can't help but love her; she's my mother. But I don't like her very much. She opinionated, inflexible and she will start trying to "raise" me, again! Because she thinks she failed the first time. ABBY Just give her a chance; I don't think you've done that in your whole life. DAN Jesus! (A beat.) She's a Republican, Abby, and I can't imagine myself living with any Republican. ABBY She's only a Republican because your father was; once she begins to think for herself she may lighten up. Besides, in another ten years we could very well be Republicans ourselves. DAN Oh my God. Do you really think so? ABBY Happens all the time. But, this isn't about politics; it's about family. And it's about time you recognized that you have one. DAN You are my family. ABBY I'm also your mate. We chose to be with each other. Your birth family is different; none of us have a choice about who our parents are; we just have to accept them the way they come. Your mother needs us right now; maybe she won't stay; maybe she won't be able to stand us, but it's important for her to know right now that we're here for her, that she isn't alone, that she won't be farmed out to some elderly care facility where she will have no assurance whatsoever that she is wanted or even loved. (A beat.) Would you want me to end up in one of those places? DAN No, of course not, our kids would never ... ABBY Let that happen to one of us? DAN No ... the kids would never let that happen to one of us. ABBY So we have to open our hearts and our home to your mother. DAN Only if she'll open her mind. ABBY No conditions. It isn't likely she's going to change her politics are anything else now. DAN I swear I don't know how you do it--turn such an emotionally charged issue into something based purely on logic. What can I say? That I want my own mother to be alone and unhappy? Of course I don't want that. I want her to be happy and fulfilled ... but does it have to be here? Couldn't she be just as fulfilled somewhere else? Say in the Gulag? ABBY Honey, don't you see ... you--we are where she finds happiness now. We're all she has left. She never built a life of her own outside of your father's work and interests. If we can help her do that, she will want to go out on her own again. She has her health; she's secure ABBY (continuing) financially; there's a whole world out there for her to explore, but she needs an safe haven, a place where she knows she can come back to. DAN You don't know my mother; she an arranger not an explorer. ABBY I'm a woman, and I know her well enough to know something about the fear she must be feeling about being alone and about how much she needs us right now. And I have a feeling that under her veneer of respectability lurks a woman just waiting to experience the world. DAN I hope it's just not our world she wants to experience. (They embrace.) DAN When is this all going to happen? ABBY Sooner than you think; she's already had an inquiry about the house, ; it could be sold in a week. (A beat.) There's just one more thing ... DAN (disgustedly) She wants a cat? ABBY No. DAN Thank god. (A beat.) What else? ABBY My mother ... I want you ... to tell her. DAN Why me? She' your mother. ABBY She likes you. DAN She doesn't like you? ABBY She doesn't approve of me; you know that. DAN You don't approve of her either. ABBY There's a difference. DAN What difference? ABBY You wouldn't understand. DAN Because I'm a man? ABBY Frankly, yes. DAN How did you ever get to be such a sexist? ABBY Oh, I learned from a master. DAN So, you want me to do your dirty work for you? ABBY Well, I wouldn't put it like that? DAN How would you put it? ABBY I just don't want to fight--that's all. DAN With me or her? ABBY Either of you. And since this is ... such a sensitive issue, I think she'll have much less of an emotional reaction if she hears it from you, who she likes, rather than from me for whom she holds such little regard. DAN God, I love it when you talk like that! ABBY Well then, would you be so kind as to communicate this information to her in my stead? DAN Yes. Yes! ABBY Mother and I, as you have undoubtedly surmised, don't do well with emotional issues. DAN Emotional issues? What, you think your mother will be upset about us taking my mother into our house to live and leaving her out there to fend for herself in a world that is at best indifferent to the elderly? ABBY Could you possibly find a little more positive way to phrase it than that? DAN I'll do my best. (A beat.) But I don't like it one bit. ABBY You're a love. (She starts to exit.) DAN Where are you going? ABBY To take advantage of the middle of the living room floor ... while we still can. Are you coming? DAN Now you're talking my language. (Dan jumps out of bed, grabs her hand and they run for it. LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK. SLIDES BEGIN TO RUN.) ACT 1, SCENE IV THE FOLLOWING MORNING SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP SLOWLY on DAN and CLAUDIA. They are seated at the kitchen table drinking coffee from large pottery mugs. Claudia is dressed casually in a jogging suit and sneakers. Her hair and nails are done up nicely; she is a picture of health and vitality. CLAUDIA So what you do hear from the kids? DAN They're fine--back in the country and all. CLAUDIA Spare me the details. DAN That's it, really. No details. Europe was great, but they're glad to be back. (A beat.) Bradley loves the coast Amy says she has "met" someone, whatever that means. CLAUDIA Dan, when a woman says she has "met" someone, it means she met someone significant. DAN A significant other? CLAUDIA Well, no, not necessarily that significant. Although it could turn into something more significant than the significance attached to the initial meeting. Otherwise she wouldn't have told you that she met someone significant at all. DAN I see. It's some kind of obscure female code. CLAUDIA It's nothing of the kind. It's just having a knack for knowing what someone is saying when they don't say it directly. DAN I see--like asking, "Do you have any salt?" When what you mean is: "Why the hell isn't there any salt on the table." And the very fact of the salt's absence says, "We're smart enough to be health conscious in this household." Something like that? CLAUDIA (stares, then) Did Bradley find work? DAN Yes, waiting tables until he "makes" it. CLAUDIA Makes what? A living? DAN No, a living is what waiting tables is all about. That obviously isn't his goal. CLAUDIA Then explain to me again what it is that he has to make? DAN He has to work hard, never give up on his dream, and be willing to accept never being recognized for his true talent. CLAUDIA I don't understand. What was that Master's degree all about? DAN It was about ... learning. About learning what was really important to him. Brad learned that business is not what he was about. CLAUDIA I see. This is all some kind of obscure male code then. DAN No code; just one of life's lessons. CLAUDIA An expensive lesson. DAN Not if it keeps him from being miserable in a job he's not suited for. CLAUDIA (reflects, then) So how long will it take for him to make it? DAN A week. A month. A year. Maybe a decade. You have to persevere--and get lucky. CLAUDIA (thinks, then) Different world. I guess I just don't understand kids anymore--even Abby, especially Abby. I never understood why she had this compulsion to work, and then why she didn't get a "real" job when she did go to work. Must be something in the genes. DAN Mom, Abby's not a kid-- CLAUDIA Maybe not to you! DAN And she has a real job that she's damn good it at. It's a blessing that she's been able to work at home. She was always here for the kids; we never had to farm them out to some child care facility where we wouldn't know how they were really being treated. CLAUDIA Oh, I know, and I know she never would have let them out of her sight if she thought they'd be mistreated. (A beat.) I just think it's unfortunate that she doesn't have those kinds of feelings about her own mother. DAN (stung) What? CLAUDIA You heard me. I said that Abby would have no qualms about putting me into a facility where she would have no idea of how I was being treated. DAN That's not true. CLAUDIA Isn't it? DAN No! CLAUDIA Then what will happen to me as I get older? What will happened when I can't drive? Or if I get ill? What if I'm just lonely? DAN You're being ridiculous. You're still attractive, active; you could marry again. CLAUDIA Never! I won't bury another husband. I'm through with external emotional attachments; I just need a little companionship from time to time. That's all. DAN We'll when the good times are over, don't worry, we'll see that you're cared for! CLAUDIA "See that I'm cared for." What does that mean, exactly? DAN Just that ... we'll see that you're--taken care of. CLAUDIA God, that sounds like you'll have me taken out and shot--"taken care of!" But you won't do it? DAN Shoot you? CLAUDIA Take care of me. (A beat.) Take care of me the way you're taking care of Sarah! DAN (quietly) Oh ... so that's what this is all about. CLAUDIA Of course that's what it's about! You think Sarah didn't call me gloating as soon as she found out? DAN (thinks, then) Well don't take it the wrong way. (A beat.) I had you come over this morning so we could talk about it. CLAUDIA What's left to talk about now? DAN You. About where you fit into all this. CLAUDIA Very well: where do I fit into all this? DAN Probably not where you think. CLAUDIA Where do I think I fit into "all this" as you call it? DAN That you're the odd one out; that you're not part of the circle. CLAUDIA The family circle? DAN It's actually a little more like the Ringling Brothers. CLAUDIA Oh, just spare me the details; I can see this is painful for you. Sarah told me everything. DAN No she didn't. In spite of what she says, my mother doesn't know everything. CLAUDIA (turning away, breaking) I just can't believe you would allow this. Abby yes, but not you. (A beat.) What do you expect me to do now? DAN I don't expect you to do anything. CLAUDIA Except get by--on my own. How do you think it makes me feel to know that you want her with you but not me? DAN It's not like that, Mom. We do want you ... CLAUDIA Abby doesn't! You have no place for me in your perfect world. Go ahead and have me shot why don't you? DAN Nobody's going to be shot! (Thinks, then.) Now let me finish. I didn't call you here to tell you about Sarah; I knew you'd hear about that soon enough. I called to--to ... tell you that you're welcome here too. We want--both--of you here--with us. CLAUDIA What? DAN (hugs her) You're family, and in this family we take care of each other. Or at least that's something we're going to learn to do. CLAUDIA Abby will have a fit. DAN No she won't; we've discussed this. She's okay with it. She knows we'll all have to adjust, make sacrifices, give some ground, maybe be less critical. We can learn to get along. What's 40 years of discontent? CLAUDIA Closer to fifty. DAN Doesn't matter; war's over. Time to negotiate for ... what do the diplomats call it? CLAUDIA A lasting peace. DAN Exactly. A lasting peace. CLAUDIA You're not going to have me shot then? DAN Not as long as your healthy. CLAUDIA I don't know what to say. DAN Say ... yes. CLAUDIA Only if you really want me. DAN We really want you--you and my mother. We want our family to be together again for better or worse. Just like a marriage. CLAUDIA Why? Why are you doing this? DAN I don't know. All I know is that it's not right for you or my mother to be alone when there's no good reason for it. CLAUDIA Abby and I don't get along, you know that. DAN I've noticed a certain--uneasiness--in your relationship with your daughter. CLAUDIA Dan, there are serious ... issues. DAN You two are too much alike, and nobody can stand to see their faults mirrored in someone else, especially their own child. That's your major problem. CLAUDIA Well aren't you the wise one? DAN Look, Mom and I don't have what could be termed an exemplary relationship either. But I want her with us anyway, same as Abby wants you with us. We'll just have to put on the hip boots and wade through the crap as best we can. CLAUDIA (reflects, then) This is a blessing. I've been so lonely and afraid since Patrick-- William--no, Patrick died. You know what I mean. DAN I know what--just not who. CLAUDIA Doesn't matter. DAN Not to me. CLAUDIA Where will you put me? DAN One of the kids' rooms; we'll have them decorated to suit you. You can bring some things. There's a separate bath for that end of the house. CLAUDIA This is just so wonderful! A family again. (A beat.) Where's Abby? I just want to hug her! DAN She's out jogging. You go on home and start thinking about what you want to do. I'll surprise Abby with the news when she gets here. She wanted to tell you herself of course, but sometimes ... circumstances dictate behavior. CLAUDIA (leaving) Okay. Okay. I'll call Sarah too. We'll have to flip for Amy's room. And I'll sell that damn barn I live in. God, I'm so excited. Thank you! A family again. Thank you! Thank you! (She exits.) DAN (baffled) You're welcome. (LIGHTS COME DOWN SLOWLY. START SLIDES FOR TRANSITION.) ACT 1, SCENE V A FEW MOMENTS LATER SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP SLOWLY on DAN seated at kitchen table. He's scanning the morning news. ABBY enters in running attire, gets a pitcher of juice from the refrigerator and sits down with him. ABBY Well, how'd she take it? DAN (thinks, then) Actually... pretty well. ABBY You're kidding. DAN (smiling) No, not kidding. She's ... delighted. ABBY Delighted? DAN Ecstatic! ABBY You didn't tell her? DAN Didn't have to. My mother told her. ABBY Oh, god. I should have known.(A beat.) But she's okay with it? DAN Oh no, not okay. She was crushed, in agony all night. ABBY But you just said she was ecstatic. DAN She is ... now. ABBY How did she get from the agony to the ecstasy in such a short time? DAN Think about it. (She looks at Dan and her face begins to fall.) DAN You're getting warmer. ABBY (stares, then) Oh my god! (A beat.) You didn't! You couldn't have! DAN Just think of it as the pitter of little feet. ABBY No! No pitter! You don't miss the pitter--only the patter. You said so yourself! DAN You can't have the patter without the pitter; they belong together--a team. Like salt and pepper, rock n' roll, bread and butter. ABBY How could you?! DAN Had no choice. ABBY Of course you had a choice! DAN What choice? ABBY Her or me! Take your pick. (A beat.) I will not live with that woman! DAN Yes, you will. She's your mother--family. ABBY Don't do this to me. DAN Like you didn't do it to me? ABBY This is too important for pay back! We're talking about our marriage now, Buster. DAN No, we're talking about our mothers, Miss--Idealism. And they're both family, like it or not. ABBY My mother does not even belong to the family of humankind! She lives in her own world of rebellion, where she's perfectly free to do whatever she wants, but everyone else has to play by the rules. Her rules! DAN Not everybody. Just you. ABBY Well that's not fair! And I won't stand for it. DAN Abby, she's your mother. And she's no less afraid of being alone and dying all by herself that is my mother. We can't offer our hand to one and not the other. ABBY But my mother is independent; she's secure; she has friends, her club, a support group. She's still vibrant and attractive. She could remarry. DAN She won't do it; I already suggested that; she refuses to bury another husband, and I don't blame her for not wanting to do that. ABBY She has friends! DAN That's not the same as family. ABBY But she doesn't need us; your mother does. DAN She needs us, Abby. I saw it in her eyes; I could hear it in her voice. (A beat.) She puts up a good front, but she scared half to death. Maybe you're not close enough to her to recognize what she needs. ABBY I don't like her, you know? DAN I know that. But you love her. ABBY I have to love her; she's my mother. (A beat.) Haven't we had this conversation before? DAN Last night. (A beat.) We'll all be together--family. The way it should be. ABBY Did I say that? DAN Your argument was quite eloquent. ABBY Then I guess I can't get out of it. DAN And leave me here alone with the two of them? No way! ABBY Dammit. I hate it when logic backfires on you. DAN It's a terrible thing when you fall victim to your own ideals. ABBY Tell me about it. DAN Just did. ABBY Some times you do the right thing for all the right reasons and you ruin your life anyway. DAN Life's crucible. ABBY God help us all. DAN If He has any sense, He won't come anywhere near the place. ABBY When does the fun begin? DAN I'd say that since they'll probably be operating on the tenants of squatter's rights, we'll see them in here before the week is out. ABBY Oh god. (A beat.) You know ... you're right, nuclear holocaust doesn't sound all that bad to me right now. (LIGHTS COME DOWN SLOWLY as they embrace. TRANSITION SLIDES BEGIN. ACT 1, SCENE VI A FEW DAYS LATER SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP SLOWLY on CLAUDIA and SARAH in a spare bedroom. A few framed prints are scattered about, and Claudia is dressed for work in jeans and cotton blouse; Sarah is wearing a dress, heels and seems ready to serve in more of a supervisory capacity. Sarah is sipping from a glass of white wine. CLAUDIA So. What will it be dear? Take your pick of the rooms. I'm completely flexible. SARAH Oh no, I think you should choose. After all, you'll be sort of like a sister to me now ... an older sister, so you get first choice. CLAUDIA Oh, I don't think age at our age makes any difference. Do you, really? SARAH Well ... CLAUDIA And since they asked you to move in with them before they asked me, you probably already had your mind set on which room you wanted. SARAH Oh no. I haven't given it a second thought. CLAUDIA So you really don't have a preference then? SARAH Now, I didn't say that. CLAUDIA Then you do have a preference? SARAH My preference is unimportant; what's important is that we get started off on the right foot in this new life of ours. I realize we've had our differences in the past; and that's why I want to let you take the room of your choice. CLAUDIA Well, I certainly appreciate your generosity, Sarah, but to tell you the truth, I'd be a lot more comfortable if we just flipped for it. What'd do you say? SARAH Flipped for it? In what way? CLAUDIA A coin. SARAH Well, I've never been that high of gambling. CLAUDIA The stakes aren't really all that high, and we're both going to come out winners. SARAH Why don't you just go ahead and take the room you prefer? CLAUDIA Here's what I'll do. I'll select the room that I think you want, and I'll take the other one. SARAH If that's what you're going to do, then I should just go ahead and select; that way you won't feel bad if you make a mistake. CLAUDIA I won't feel bad SARAH Then I will go ahead and select. (A beat.) But--I'm going to select the room that I think you don't want. CLAUDIA Fine. SARAH Okay. Here goes. I ... think that you don't want ... Amy's room. CLAUDIA Now why would you think that? SARAH Well, it's so ... feminine for one thing. CLAUDIA Feminine? SARAH Isn't it? CLAUDIA Yes it is, but I thought as soon as I hung a few of my voluptuous Renoir's-- SARAH Voluptuous? CLAUDIA Just a few, very tasteful, but--full of life, if you know what I mean. SARAH Claudia, please. (A beat.) Then you do want Amy's room. CLAUDIA I told you I don't care. It's just that I thought with the southeasterly exposure, the morning sun might bother a late riser like yourself. SARAH Am I a late riser? CLAUDIA I guess it's relative. But from where I come from anything after 9:00 is late. SARAH Where do you come from? CLAUDIA Originally, you mean? SARAH I suppose that's what I mean? CLAUDIA Well, originally, I'm from the same place as you--crawled out of the slime and muck of some antediluvian swamp. SARAH Well, in any case I never get up before 10:00. And the sun actually rises above the window by then and is much less of a bother. But that's beside the point because I'm giving you Amy's room. CLAUDIA You don't have to do that; the truth is, I'd prefer to have Bradley's room. SARAH No, I don't believe you. You're just being nice. No one in their right mind would prefer that room. So I'm taking it. CLAUDIA I see your point. But you really want Amy's room, and I really want Bradley's. SARAH I wouldn't be happy in Amy's room now, knowing that you were unhappy in Bradley's. CLAUDIA I'm happy either way. Now let's stop this nonsense and do the sensible thing. SARAH That's exactly what I'm trying to do. Now if you'll excuse me, I have so unpacking to do, now that I know where I'll be situated. (She starts off.) Danny! Put my things in Bradley's room. (Claudia turns to put a nail in the wall as the LIGHTS COME DOWN. BEGIN SLIDES. ACT 1, SCENE VII END OF FIRST FULL DAY SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP on DAN and ABBY in their bedroom. Abby is sitting in bed staring straight ahead, senseless and dazed. Dan is undressing after a long day at the office. DAN Sorry, I'm so late honey; Tanaka San was in town, and I just couldn't break away. Those Japanese expect to be shown a good time, and I suppose for the money they spend on us they should get it. Still, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to leave you here with them so long on the first full day. I'm sure it was no picnic, and I really am sorry. (A beat.) So ... how'd it go? (Abby cocks her head slightly and stares at him with a vacant expression.) DAN About as well as could be expected? (A beat.) Right? (No response from Abby.) DAN No problems, I guess? (She gives him a hard look.) DAN Anything I should know about? (Silence.) DAN Okay. (A beat.) Say on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate this first day? (A beat.) You don't have to speak; just show me with your fingers. (Abby holds up her middle finger but doesn't speak.) DAN A one, huh? (Shoots him the bird with the other hand.) DAN Two! (A beat.) Could have been worse. (She lowers one hand and shakes her head very emphatically.) DAN Back to one. (Abby nods.) DAN I thought so. (He begins to pace around the room while thinking out loud.) DAN Can I safely assume in this instance that one is at the lower end of the scale? (Abby stares at him incredulously.) DAN Great! (A beat.) So, otherwise, how was your day? (SARAH enters, passes silently through the bedroom and exits into the bathroom off the master bedroom. Dan just stares at her.) DAN What's this? (A beat.) Did my mother just go into our bathroom? (Abby doesn't answer. Dan moves to the bathroom door.) DAN Mom! SARAH (off stage) I'll be right out. DAN What ... ? SARAH (off stage) I can't hear you with the water running. DAN What are you doing in there? (After a moment Sarah reenters.) SARAH (passing through) What do you think I'm doing in there? (A beat.) Would either of you like to join me for a nightcap? (Sarah exits. Dan storms to the bathroom where we HEAR A GOOD DEAL OF RUMMAGING ABOUT. Then Dan enters the bedroom with a set of dentures soaking in a glass of water.) DAN Teeth. Teeth?! What the hell is going on, Abby? And--and ... (exits to bathroom and returns with hot water bottle, an assortment of tubes, and a vaginal insertion device of some kind.) this! What the hell kind of female paraphernalia is this? And more importantly, what is it doing in our bathroom? (Abby pulls the sheet up over her head.) DAN Talk to me Abby! (Sheet shakes, negative.) DAN Did we make a big mistake? (Sheet shakes, affirmative.) DAN What now? (Sheet shrugs as CLAUDIA enters and passes through to the bathroom.) DAN Claudia! What are you doing? Why are you going in there? CLAUDIA (offstage) Just a minute, Dan. I can't hear you with the water running. DAN That's our bathroom. You have your own. Claudia! CLAUDIA (reentering and exiting) No, I don't have my own bathroom! (Dan hurries to the bed and climbs under the sheets with Abby. He takes the teeth and female contraption with him.) DAN What does she mean she doesn't have her own bathroom? She has her own bathroom! (Sheets shakes, negative.) DAN Yes, she does! Over there. Where her room is. (Sheets shake again, negative.) DAN Dammit, Abby! Speak to me! ABBY No, she doesn't have her own bathroom! Neither of them do. They both have the same bathroom and they refuse to share! DAN Refuse to share? ABBY Yes--anything! DAN What are they--four-year-olds? ABBY It all started because they didn't get the right room. DAN Whose teeth are these? ABBY Then it escalated when they found out they had to share a bath. DAN And what the hell is this thing? ABBY They've been at each other all day. DAN I mean, what it's for? ABBY Thank God they finally reached a point where they weren't speaking at all. (A beat.) I would have gone mad. DAN Is it some kind of cleansing device? ABBY Ahhh! Don't put that in there! For god's sake those are my mother's teeth. DAN I didn't know your mother had dentures. ABBY Well there's a lot more you don't know! DAN And a lot I don't want to know, but it looks like I'm going to find out ... everything! (They drop the sheet. The hot water bottle and tubes all tangled around Dan's head and neck.) DAN Now tell me what's going on so I can help. ABBY Nobody can help! It was a stupid idea. I can't believe we were so idealistic. How can a simple good-hearted gesture turn into such a nightmare. (A beat.) Maybe we can have them committed? Or shot? Didn't my mother say we could shoot her? DAN Abby! We can't shoot her. ABBY You weren't here; you went off to work. You're going to LA for a week. You don't know what it was like. I was stuck here all day with them-- Godzilla and Gorgo in my home--struggling for supremacy. It all started the day they moved. First it was all too sweet; that's how they got the rooms screwed up--trying to be nice. Your mother took the room she didn't want because it was, in her judgment, the less desirable of the two. The upshot of it all was that your mother ended up with the room she didn't want and the one my mother would have preferred because your mother didn't want my mother harboring any resentment about the room assignments. So now they're both harboring resentment against the other because neither of them got what they wanted. And all in an effort not to offend the other. It's good-heartedness gone awry. DAN Let me get this straight ... ABBY There's no way to get it straight! DAN But--but ... why are they using our bathroom? ABBY I told you. Because they refuse to share! DAN But they are sharing, not only with each other but with us too! And one full bath isn't being used at all. ABBY I told them that; they won't listen to reason. They want what they want; it's a matter of principle, they say. All they want is a little understanding, they say. Nobody understands them, they say. We really don't want them here, they say. Nobody wants them, they say. They're all alone, they say. DAN They say. They say! It' s not for them to say. By god we're going to get this straightened out before another day goes by. You shouldn't have to put up with such nonsense. ABBY I have no intention of putting up with it. DAN Good for you. ABBY I've already made inquires about office space. DAN What? ABBY I'm looking for office space. I want to work outside the home. Like you! DAN But you love working at home. ABBY Did! Not anymore. I can see that it would never work with them here. They'd never leave me alone; I wouldn't get any work done and I'd end up terribly frustrated and depressed. I'd end up not being able to stand my own mother. DAN You already can't stand your own mother. ABBY Then I'll end up not being able to stand yours either. DAN Then we'll have something else in common. (A beat.) Look, you don't have to leave. They'll have to adapt to our environment; this is our home, your workplace. They have to understand that. We'll ... talk about it-- right now--before another day goes by. (A beat.) Get them in here. Call them. Tell them we're meeting in the kitchen right now for a--a ... ABBY Family council. DAN Yes, tell them that. Tell them we need to set up some ... rules. Tell them I'm the head of this household. Tell the to meet me in the kitchen. Tell them I want to discuss rules. ABBY Rules? DAN Yes, you know--rules. To live by. ABBY You want me to tell them we're going to impose rules that they're going to live by? DAN Damn straight! Tell them! ABBY You tell them. DAN Me? Why should I tell them? ABBY Because a man's home is his castle. His kingdom. His domain. It's yours to rule. (A beat.) You alone rule the roost; you are the cock-of-the- walk. Master of all you survey. Is it not so, your excellency? DAN Well ... (Abby meets him center stage, hands him the soaking dentures, the hot water bottle, tubes and insertion device.) ABBY Here is your scepter, your crown (places water bottle on his head) and the implements you'll need to put some teeth into the law of the land. (A beat.) Go to big boy, and let me know how it turns out. (LIGHTS COME DOWN SLOWLY EXCEPT FOR A SPOT on Dan. SLIDES START AS LIGHT FADES ON DAN.) ACT 1, SCENE VIII SAME NIGHT A FEW MINUTES LATER SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP on DAN, ABBY, SARAH and CLAUDIA in the kitchen. Sarah, Claudia and Abby are seated at the kitchen table. Dan is at the counter preparing a pot of coffee. DAN Coffee? Does everyone want coffee? ABBY It's 10:30, Dan. Nobody wants coffee. DAN Let me handle this, Honey. ABBY Fine. DAN So, who would like a cup of coffee? ABBY Not me. CLAUDIA No, thank you, Dan. I'd be up for hours. DAN Mom? SARAH I'd prefer a brandy. DAN In your coffee? SARAH In a snifter ... without the coffee. DAN I brewed a fresh pot.(A few beats.) Well, I'll have a coffee. ABBY Then you'll be up for hours. DAN I've never minded late hours. The hours are quiet, full of poetry and the dark magic of the night. CLAUDIA Dan, that's beautiful. SARAH Danny has a way with words. DAN Knock off the "Danny" shit, Mom! SARAH Which he sometimes fails to use. ABBY Oh fearless leader, your subjects are wondering why you've called us here. DAN We need to talk. All of us ... honestly and frankly about-- SARAH Brandy? DAN No, not brandy. SARAH You said I could have some. DAN You can, Mom. Honey, would you get my mother a brandy? (As Abby searches for the brandy the phone rings and Dan answers the kitchen extension. Abby pours Sarah's brandy.) DAN Hello ... who ... Muffy? (He looks at Claudia.) There's a Claudia Adams here, no Muffy. No, she can't come to the phone right now. CLAUDIA I can come to the phone! DAN (to Claudia) Is your name, "Muffy." CLAUDIA I'm known as Muffy in some circles. DAN Who is this? (A beat.) Harold who? What do you want, Harold. Okay, Hal. What do you want, Hal? I know that, but I told you, Muffy--Claudia can't come to the phone. No, I'm not her father. I'm her--she's my ... never mind. I'll tell her you called. I am relaxed; we're just in the middle of something here. It's okay; okay, okay, good-bye. (He hangs up and looks at Claudia.) DAN Who the hell is, Harold? ABBY Dan! CLAUDIA Hal. DAN What? ABBY You're exceeding your authority. CLAUDIA It's all right. His concern for me is very sweet. (A beat.) Hal is a man I'm seeing, Dan. DAN Well why haven't I seen him? ABBY Because he's seeing her, not you. DAN (to Abby) Have you seen him? ABBY He's not seeing me. SARAH I've seen him. DAN He's seeing you too!? SARAH No, I saw him while he was seeing, Claudia. DAN I see. (A beat.) What does that mean in female terms, "seeing?" SARAH That the relationship is purely ... physical. DAN What? CLAUDIA Oh, it's physical all right, but far from pure. I enjoy Hal's company immensely. He treats me like a lady. SARAH Treat a lady like a tramp, and a tramp like a lady. He certainly knows the score. CLAUDIA What he knows is the difference between a lady and a broken down booze hound. DAN Jesus! (A beat.) Honey, can you give me a little help here? ABBY I think we're getting off the subject. CLAUDIA I thought getting off was the subject. ABBY Mother! Must you be so crass? CLAUDIA Absolutely not! But sometimes I find it a great deal more utilitarian to express myself in the vernacular rather than with the eloquence with which my speech is most often associated. SARAH A hussy putting on airs. I told you; don't say I didn't tell you. DAN Enough! (A beat.) I called you here to discusss the ... bathroom tissue. ABBY Issue. DAN Yes, the bathroom issue. SARAH The bathroom tissue is an issue as well. CLAUDIA Isn't it though. Dan have you never heard of Charmin? DAN Of course I've heard of Charmin; I wrote a campaign for the stuff--it's cottony soft, double-ply, scented, absorbent, and strong. Very strong. SARAH Exactly. CLAUDIA So why are we using sandpaper instead of Charmin? DAN Because it's my bathroom! I'll put corn cobs in there if I want. ABBY No you won't And it's our bathroom. DAN That isn't the point. SARAH Then get to it. I'm exhausted. DAN Get to what? ALL THREE The point! DAN Okay! (A beat.) The point is: you two have a bathroom which circumstances dictate that you share. So start sharing and use any damn tissues you please. But stay out of ours. Is that clear? SARAH You expect us to share a bathroom? DAN Is that asking too much? CLAUDIA We have very different personal habits. SARAH What it comes down to is: Claudia isn't at all tidy. CLAUDIA And Sarah has a serious obsessive compulsive disorder. The only thing she can't keep track of is the empty bottles she leaves all over the house. SARAH I beg your pardon! DAN (to Abby) Honey, feel free to intervene at any time. ABBY Let's just try to concentrate on the physical living arrangements. Can we agree on that? (They agree.) Okay. (A beat.) There are some physical limitations here that we all have to live with. Now, Mom, how do you feel about the room arrangements? CLAUDIA They suck. SARAH Now I doubt that Mr. Churchill himself could have expressed it any more eloquently than that. CLAUDIA Sarah, how do you feel about the room assignments? SARAH I have to admit that I find them less than desirable. CLAUDIA What'd I say? ABBY So neither of you is happy. CLAUDIA I didn't pick my room. SARAH I was just trying to do the right thing in giving you the room I wanted. Is it such a crime to be nice to people? ABBY No, it's no crime, but sometimes it can lead to problems. But in this case the problem can be easily resolved by exchanging rooms. SARAH I would never ask Dan to do that. ABBY Dan doesn't matter. DAN I don't matter. ABBY What I mean is: Dan will be glad to move you both again if that will make you happy. SARAH I don't know about "happy." CLAUDIA Would you settle for--less miserable? DAN I guess you have to start some place. ABBY Okay then. That's settled. Dan will move both of you tomorrow. DAN Under one condition: I want everyone to stop trying to be so nice to each other. It just leads to misunderstanding and resentment. SARAH Then we shouldn't be nice to one another? DAN Only if the motivation for being nice comes from a genuine feeling of good-heartedness and not from a feeling of just not wanting to hurt someone's feeling or of not wanting to be eventually resented. We should all be ... ABBY True to our true feelings. DAN Exactly. SARAH My true feelings are that I can't share a bathroom with--that woman. DAN That doesn't count. CLAUDIA And my true feelings are that if I leave my cologne out on the counter-- that woman will drink it. ABBY Mother! CLAUDIA Those are my true feelings! SARAH Danny, are you going to let her talk to me like that? DAN Honey ... (PHONE RINGS. Dan answers.) DAN Hello ... who ... there's no "pumpkin" here-- CLAUDIA I'll take it in my room. (Claudia exits.) DAN Pumpkin will be right with you. SARAH Dan, are you going to let that--that--hussy--treat me like this? DAN I don't have any idea of what I'm going to do.(A beat.) Honey ... (LIGHTS COME DOWN.) END ACT I FAMILY MATTERS by Dave Christner ACT II, SCENE I A WEEK OR SO LATER SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP SLOWLY in the kitchen. PETER MASON, 60, an AA sponsor is seated at the table and sipping from a mug of coffee. The table is filled with empty liquor bottles. DAN enters, carrying suitcase. At first Dan doesn't see his visitor. DAN (entering) Honey, I'm home. PETER Redneck foreplay. DAN What? PETER An old joke ... DAN I don't get it. PETER No wonder. DAN Who the hell are you? PETER (extending his hand) My name is Peter; I'm an alcoholic. DAN (puzzled) A man called Peter? PETER But I'm no saint. I'm a drunk, black sheep of my family, but I've managed to stay sober for ... seven years, four months, three weeks, seventeen hours and (checks his watch) 36 minutes. (A beat.) Didn't catch the name. DAN My name is Dan; I'm--an advertising executive. PETER That explains it. DAN Does it? PETER The liquor. DAN You lost me. PETER I once was lost too, but now am found. (A beat.) Do you believe in a Higher Power, Dan? DAN Abby! PETER I know the scenario, seen it a hundred times. High powered account executive. Lots of stress. Tight schedules. Deadlines. Competition. Expectations to entertain clients; show the boys a good time, a night on the town. Liquor flowing freely. Man falls prey to the demon; no wonder. (Dan looks at empty bottles and finally puts it all together.) DAN Was that my liquor? PETER I consider it a privilege to have gotten rid of it for you. No thanks is required. DAN You dumped my liquor? PETER Sure as hell didn't drink it, although I wanted to. That's why I had to dump it. DAN Who are you? PETER That's not important, Son. Who are you? DAN Dan Casey is my name; I live here; I own this house. And I want to know what you're doing here--drinking my coffee, dumping my liquor, trespassing on my property and stretching the limits of my basic good nature. PETER Ah, Casey, you're the son then? DAN I'm the son now! And I want to know the hell's going on? (SARAH enters.) SARAH Oh, Danny, you're back. Welcome home. I see you've met Peter; he's an alcoholic. DAN So I've heard. PETER Black sheep of the family. DAN You told me. PETER Damn proud of it too. Without me the rest of the family would look pretty damn sorry, Son. Pretty damn sorry! SARAH Dan, I'm an alcoholic too. DAN What? SARAH It's true. Your own mother--an alcoholic. Please don't think badly of me. (A beat.) Peter is my sponsor from AA, sort of a guide, a confidant and crutch to lean on when things get rough. They do get rough. DAN You're serious. SARAH I have never been more so. I went through detoxification while you were away; a week of many horrors, but now I'm alcohol-free for the first time in years, and the world is a very different place. Even so, I'd kill for a drink this very moment. (A beat.) Did you know your father was an alcoholic? DAN No ... SARAH No, he wasn't Or "no", you didn't know? DAN I didn't know; I didn't know very much about Dad at all. SARAH You know he enjoyed a cocktail. DAN We all enjoyed a cocktail. PETER Nothing wrong with that--if you can handle it. SARAH Your father and I couldn't. And it only got worse when he retired. That's all we did together for the last few years. By the time we finished cocktails and our nightly bottle of vintage wine with dinner neither of us could have talked even if we'd wanted to, which we didn't. (A beat.) It was so insidious the way our social drinking turned into a habit and then that habit into an addiction. DAN I had no idea. I mean, I knew you drank, but I didn't know it was problem. SARAH Neither did I. Until I moved in here. (A beat.) Claudia saw me for the-- lush--that I really was, and I don't have to tell you that she didn't mind pointing out my faults. Classic case of denial on my part, but she wouldn't be denied. She knew the pattern because she started drinking more after the loss of her first husband, but she came out of it because she realized life was better without it. For me, it wasn't. And I would have denied it was a problem for God knows how long if she hadn't have been so--true to her feelings--and, as much as I hate to admit it, so right. Dear Claudia ... DAN That's why you dumped my liquor? PETER Can't keep the stuff in the house with an alcoholic. DAN But it's my house. PETER It's also your mother. And she's going to need all the help she can get- -more than I can give her. DAN Twelve-year-old Scotch right down the drain. PETER Along with some damn fine wine. Used to be quite the connoisseur myself. SARAH No brandy. I'd already gotten to the brandy. PETER And Vermouth. DAN (picking up a small bottle) Bitters too ... came to a bitter end. SARAH So did the olives. DAN The olives? SARAH Made me crave a martini. PETER How much do you drink, son? DAN Not much. PETER Drink or two a day? DAN Not even. PETER A cocktail to help you relax. DAN Sometimes. What is this? PETER The door's wide open. DAN It's just social. I can take it or leave it. What door? PETER That's how it starts. First it's social, then you take a drink to relax, then you can't relax without it. That's when the problem starts. DAN I don't have a problem! At least not a drinking problem. PETER Listen to your Higher Power, son. DAN I don't have a problem! SARAH Yes, you do; you have me. DAN You're my mother! PETER And that's not a problem? DAN I see your point. PETER Do you ever feel like you need a drink, son? DAN Right now! (There is a KNOCK at kitchen door.) DAN Come in! (RUSS NEARY, 70, enters. He is nice looking, well-groomed and smartly dressed, and has an air of confidence about himself.) DAN We don't want any! RUSS Any what? DAN Whatever you're selling. RUSS I'm not selling anything.(A beat.) I'm Russ Neary DAN Are you an alcoholic? RUSS Not anymore. Is this a meeting? PETER Yes. DAN No! We're just ... talking. (A beat.) What do you want ... RUSS Russ. DAN Yes, Russ. What is it that you want? RUSS Claudia. DAN Claudia? RUSS Are you going to repeat everything I say? DAN No, I'm not. You want to see Claudia. SARAH Don't they all? DAN Do you have an appointment? RUSS No, a date. Do I need an appointment? PETER (rising) My name is Peter; I'm an alcoholic. SARAH Sarah. Me too. Claudia is my sister. DAN Your sister? SARAH In adversity. RUSS (to Dan) Thought you said this wasn't a meeting. DAN It's not a meeting. We're just taking care of a ... family matter. SARAH Would you like some coffee, Russ? RUSS Please. Black two sugars. SARAH Two sugars? (Sarah goes to make more coffee.) RUSS All right. One sugar. SARAH How 'bout a Sweet and Low? RUSS Fine, Sarah. Whatever you say. DAN So, you have a date with Claudia? RUSS That's right. DAN I don't think she's here. RUSS She doesn't have a problem with alcohol; no reason she should be. SARAH Claudia's addiction isn't to alcohol. DAN Don't start, Mother! RUSS Never mind the coffee, Sarah. I can see this isn't a good time. PETER I'm having a good time. RUSS Just tell Claudia I dropped by. DAN I thought you had a date. RUSS Not a date per se; we have an open ended kind of arrangement. SARAH I can imagine whose end it is that's open. DAN Mother! For chrissake, stop it! SARAH He must have just been passing through the neighborhood and caught her scent. DAN What has gotten in to you? SARAH I don't know, but I'm beginning to enjoy it. DAN Well, don't forget: Claudia's the one that made you realize you were a drunk. SARAH Which is exactly why I have an obligation to make her realize that she's a slut! RUSS I think I'll just run along to tell you the truth. Be sure and tell Claudia I dropped by. PETER You don't have to go. DAN I'll tell her Russ ... ? RUSS Neary. DAN Dropped by. (Russ exits.) DAN Okay, Pete! She's sober! Now what the hell do I do with her? SARAH Danny, you don't have to do anything. Just be here for me when I need you. DAN I'm here, Mom. We're all here; that's what this is all about, but I think you're being a wee bit critical of Claudia. PETER Wonderful woman! DAN You know, Claudia? PETER Not yet. SARAH And I want to feel useful; I want to help around the house. DAN Fine. I know I don't run the vacuum enough to suit Abby, and I hate cleaning the toilets. SARAH I want to cook, not clean toilets. DAN Mom, cleaning toilets is useful, and in your case, the product you'll be dealing with isn't all that much different that what you produce when you're cooking. SARAH I want to cook for you! DAN Cook? You're going to cook! SARAH Some of the time. DAN But Mom ... cooking was never your strong point. SARAH I was drunk; I couldn't even read the directions. It wasn't my fault. PETER She needs a purpose. It can't be that bad. DAN Stay out of this, Peter; we're talking about cooking not drinking. PETER Give her a chance. DAN You don't have to eat it! PETER She needs to be of practical use. DAN Jesus! (A beat.) Okay, you want to cook: cook. What else? SARAH I want a cat. (Dan rolls his eyes.) Okay, I just need your support. And no more liquor in the house. I can beat this thing, but I need help, every day, from now on. PETER And not just from us. DAN We'll help, Mom. Whatever it takes. But do you have to cook? (They embrace as the LIGHTS COME DOWN to END THE SCENE. SLIDE SHOW BEGINS AND RUNS THROUGH TRANSITION TO NEXT SCENE.) ACT II, SCENE II LATER THAT NIGHT SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP on ABBY and DAN sitting up in bed. Both are staring straight ahead, dazed. DAN My mother wants to cook. ABBY I caught my mother smoking in her room today. DAN She's a terrible cook--dangerous! ABBY Tried to hide it, but I smelled the smoke. DAN I think that's one of the reasons I left. ABBY Stuffed a lighted cigarette under her pillow. DAN Did you ever wonder why my dad was so thin? Why he never had to fight middle-age spread? ABBY Practically caught the place on fire. DAN I don't think he had a decent meal for 30 years. ABBY I don't know what to do with her. DAN No wonder we ate out all the time. ABBY How can she be so stupid? DAN One night the whole family got sick. ABBY Doesn't she know what it's doing to her health? DAN Threw up all night. Not just me--all of us. ABBY I can't watch her every minute. DAN Rescue squad took the lot of us to the hospital. ABBY I can't help what she does somewhere else. DAN Salmonella! She left a hollandaise sauce out on the kitchen counter all afternoon. ABBY We have to set some limits. DAN We lost Dad there for a minute; she actually killed him. ABBY I don't know what's gotten in to her. DAN Had to jump start his heart. ABBY She knows the risks. DAN Sent a jolt of electricity that could have lit up Manhattan. ABBY She's just doing it to irritate me. DAN Came back to life heaving his guts out in the ER. ABBY I won't allow her to smoke in this house. DAN Mom in the kitchen is an awful thing to see. ABBY I think God is punishing me. DAN I feel like Job. ABBY (turning to look at Dan) I don't know what I did to deserve such a mother. DAN (turning to look at Abby) Neither do I. (LIGHTS COME DOWN to END THE SCENE. SLIDES BEGIN.) ACT II, SCENE III A FEW DAYS LATER SCENE: LIGHTS COME on ABBY in the kitchen. She is drying and putting away some dishes when CLAUDIA enters dressed in tight jeans and a white T-shirt with a scarlet A Plus on it. Abby looks at her, shakes her head and turns away. CLAUDIA Go ahead ... say it. ABBY Say what? CLAUDIA What you're thinking? ABBY What am I thinking? CLAUDIA That she's not actually going out dressed like that! ABBY Well, you're not are you? CLAUDIA I most certainly am. (Abby shakes her head, goes to Claudia, grasps her by the shoulders like a child but before she starts her lecture, she catches the scent of something.) ABBY Mother ... is that Shalimar? CLAUDIA Isn't it just divine? ABBY My Shalimar? CLAUDIA I just ... borrowed a little. ABBY How do you borrow perfume? CLAUDIA Dab a little here, some there. I should have asked; I'm sorry. ABBY I can't believe you. CLAUDIA I'll replace the bottle when you run out. (A beat.) Personally, I don't see why we can't share. ABBY Replacing the bottle is not the point. I just can't understand why you would do such a thing. CLAUDIA Darling, I'm 72: I need all the help I can get. ABBY You don't need help; I'd have to hire an accountant to keep track of all the men that come sniffing around here. CLAUDIA It's the Shalimar. ABBY Well, Shalimar never did that for me! CLAUDIA It helps to exude a certain ... love for life as well. ABBY Is that what you call it? CLAUDIA What do you call it? ABBY Well, if I remember correctly, when I expressed such a "love for life", you referred to it as a promiscuous streak. CLAUDIA Only because I was concerned for your welfare. ABBY Which is exactly what I'm concerned about! CLAUDIA Your welfare? ABBY No, yours. CLAUDIA I thought you were more concerned with your Shalimar. ABBY I concerned with your welfare the same way you were concerned about mine. CLAUDIA But you were a child. ABBY I was 18 ... when I started to spread my wings. CLAUDIA If it was only your wings you were spreading, I wouldn't have been so concerned. ABBY I could vote! CLAUDIA You could also be abused and hurt. ABBY So can you. Now! CLAUDIA I won't allow myself to be abused, and I'm too smart to be hurt. ABBY (thinks, then) What's the story with the T-shirt? CLAUDIA A colonial tale of unmitigated passion. ABBY I know that. Where did you find such a thing? CLAUDIA College Hill Bookstore. (Use local store.) It's all the rage with the literary community. ABBY A very hot item, I'm sure. CLAUDIA Wouldn't you like to know? ABBY Do you have any idea of how ridiculous you look? CLAUDIA To whom? ABBY Everybody! A grandmother in blue jeans ... CLAUDIA You know I think genes are the problem, but not the ones I'm wearing; I think it has more to do with the ones of mine that you're carrying. Maybe we're too much alike for our own good. What do you think? ABBY I think ... you look ridiculous; that's what I think. (DAN enters and takes a double-take when he sees Claudia.) DAN Jesus! Claudia, you look great! ABBY Oh, Dan, for God's sake! DAN What!? ABBY She's looks like a hussy. DAN Yeah, but a great one. (A beat. Then to Claudia.) A plus, huh? ABBY Get it? DAN Yes, I get it. Jesus! What's wrong with you? ABBY Why does something always have to be wrong with me? DAN I don't know! ABBY Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with me-- DAN Good! ABBY It's not good! DAN It's good that you're going to tell me! (A beat.) So, tell me! ABBY All right. For 10 minutes I'm trying to explain to my mother how ridiculous she looks all made up like a teenager, and what do you do but come in and tell her she looks great! That's what's wrong! DAN Honey, when you're 72, I hope you look as great as your mother looks right now. (Sniffs.) And is that Shalimar? ABBY (walking out) Oh, for God's sake! DAN Honey! (To Claudia.) What was that all about? CLAUDIA Genes, I think. DAN You have her jeans? CLAUDIA No, she has mine. DAN Oh. CLAUDIA I'll go speak with her; this really wasn't your fault. (A beat.) Do me a favor. DAN Sure. CLAUDIA Say hello to Stan ... no ... Russ when he gets here. I'll be right back. (Claudia exits. Dan sits down and picks up a newspaper . There is a KNOCK at the door.) DAN It's open. (STAN WALKER, 70, enters. He is very attractive, charming, rich and self- assured.) DAN You're not Russ? STAN Never have been. (Extends his hand.) Stan Walker's the name. I've come for (checks a news clipping) Claudia. DAN Stanley Walker. STAN Stan. DAN Mind if I call you Stanley? STAN Suit yourself. If the foo shits ... DAN What? STAN Never mind. DAN Was it a joke? STAN Not a very good one. DAN Have we met before? STAN Now? DAN Yes. STAN No. DAN I didn't think so. (A beat.) Stan Walker? STAN Stanley. DAN Of course. And you're here for Claudia? STAN The one and only. DAN Your one and only? STAN You never know. DAN Sit down, Stanley; Claudia will be here directly. She attending to a little family matter, if you know what I mean. STAN Don't have the slightest idea. DAN Coffee. STAN Why not--black, no sugar. DAN Ah, a real man. STAN So I'm told. DAN So, Stanley, how'd you and Claudia get together. STAN We didn't--haven't--yet. DAN I don't understand. STAN Who the hell does? Country's going to hell in a hand basket. DAN No, you misunderstood what I don't understand. (A beat.) What I don't understand is what you're doing here if you don't know Claudia. STAN I came here to get to know her--if you know what I mean. DAN Well, yeah, I think I do, but how did you get in a position to get to know her? STAN The personals. DAN Claudia ran an ad in the personals? STAN Saves time. And the bar scene is a total drag. And believe me, there's something to that old adage about "beauty being in the eye of the beer holder." I've made some real mistakes in my--wanderings. Of course, I'll admit women make mistakes under the influence too. That's why the personals are so useful. And Claudia sounds great! Tell me: Is her ass as cute as she says it is? DAN What? STAN Say on a scale of 1 to 10? DAN Look, Stanley, I don't want to discuss Claudia's ass. STAN (thinks, then) Tits? DAN No! STAN You're kind of sensitive. What's she to you? DAN I'm more interested in what she is to you. STAN Look, we're both guys, right? Male he-persons of the masculine gender. You know the score. DAN I'm not keeping score! Look, Stan-- STAN Stanley. DAN Stanley, look ... what do you do anyway? STAN What do I do when? DAN Every day. STAN Spend some time at the track. Have a few cocktails. Go fly fishing. Enjoy the companionship of attractive women. Follow baseball. Basically, I do what I damn well please. DAN Are you single? STAN Widowed and I have no plans to change my status with the pickings out there beings so far from slim. If you know what I mean? DAN Well, there you have it! STAN Have what? DAN Why I can't allow you to see Claudia. STAN What are you, her father? DAN No, she's my ... STAN Mother!? DAN In-law. STAN Look, sorry about the ass thing, but hey, I'm just responding to the ad (looks at news item). DAN Let me see that! (Reads, then.) What's this--HPTW? STAN Height proportional to weight; it's a code. DAN And this--SA? STAN Sexually active. DAN Great! (Reads.) S&M?! STAN Single and mature. Relax. DAN Okay, that's more like it. (Reads, then..) What about this--GLA? STAN You don't want to know. DAN Then why did I asked? STAN Great little ass. DAN Claudia! Jesus! Can you believe that? STAN No, that's why I'm here. Had to see it for myself. But my intentions are completely honest, even if, hedonistic. Same as Claudia's. We're both looking for some very simple pleasures. DAN Do you really think it's that simple? STAN At your age: no. At ours it is, and that's a blessing. (A beat.) DAN A blessing? STAN That comes with the wisdom of having lived a few years longer than you have. It's not magic, and I'm probably not any smarter than you are, but there are things I know that you STAN (continuing) don't--and won't accept--because human nature seems to have us programmed to learn things the hard way--for ourselves. I was no different. (A beat.) But now, I look out and see that the road behind me is more than twice as long as the one that lies ahead, and at this point in my life, I know better than to waste a moment of time doing something that I don't find fulfilling. DAN Such as chasing women? STAN Yeah, that, and flying kites with my grandchildren and walking my dog and working for a cause that I believe in. (Dan shakes his head and is thinking when there is a KNOCK on the door.) DAN Come in! (RUSS NEARY enters. He is carrying a bouquet of flowers.) DAN Russ ...? RUSS Neary. DAN I know. (A beat.) Russ Neary ... Stanley Walker. RUSS My pleasure. STANLEY Pleasure's all mine, I'm sure. DAN Don't count on that. RUSS I've come for Claudia. DAN Take a number. RUSS What? DAN Stanley's come for Claudia too. RUSS Quite a woman. STANLEY I'll take your word for it. RUSS You've got my word on it. STANLEY And I'll accept it as coming for a man of honor. DAN Let's not get carried away. (A beat.) I think I'd better get the object of your desires in here and let her straighten this out. Claudia! CLAUDIA (off stage) Yes? DAN Your gentlemen callers are here! CLAUDIA (entering) Did you say, "callers?" DAN That's what I said. RUSS Hello, Claudia. CLAUDIA Russ, dear, how good to see you. (Turns to Stan.) And you must be ... STAN Stan Walker. CLAUDIA Of course, Stan. What a pleasure. (A beat.) Did you meet Russ? STAN That wasn't nearly as pleasurable. DAN What'd I tell you! CLAUDIA And my son-in-law, Dan? STAN Oh, yes. Dan and I had quite a little chat. CLAUDIA Man-to-man? STAN Very much so. CLAUDIA And how are those Red Sox doing? (Use name of local team.) STAN Claudia, some men have more interesting things to talk about than sports. CLAUDIA Is that so? Such as? STAN Women! CLAUDIA Well, I wish I'd have been here for that conversation. STAN You were! CLAUDIA Oh. (A beat.) Would I have been flattered? STAN AND DAN Absolutely-- DAN --not! CLAUDIA Really. (A beat.) Well, it looks as though I've run into something of a scheduling problem; I'm terribly sorry. DAN Looks like you could use a social secretary. CLAUDIA Or a better memory. STAN Memory's the second thing to go. DAN The second? STAN Master plan. That way you can't remember what it is you're missing. RUSS Good plan. DAN What's your plan, Claudia? I hope you aren't going to disappoint either of these gentlemen. (As Claudia ponders her dilemma, SARAH enters through the kitchen door. She is wearing a blue chambray dress with matching red belt and heels. She looks great.) CLAUDIA Sarah, how good to see you. DAN Don't even think about it! CLAUDIA Sarah, these are my dear friends, Russ Neary and Stan-- STAN (he's interested) Walker. CLAUDIA Walker, yes. This is my--sister--Sarah Casey. Sarah we were just going out for dinner and perhaps to.... STAN See the Renoir display at the museum. SARAH Really? How nice. STAN Are you interested in the French impressionists, Sarah? SARAH Oh, yes, they've always been my favorites. I'm particularly fond of Renoir. STAN Yes, Renoir!. His voluptuous nude bathers made quite an impression on me as a young man. RUSS Me too! I was always fascinated with how their thighs seemed to follow you around the room. STAN Why don't you join us, Sarah? SARAH Well, I ... STAN You wouldn't even have to change; you look wonderful just the way you are. SARAH I do? In this old thing. DAN Mom. SARAH It is very tempting. I don't get out much. DAN Stan-- STAN Stanley. DAN Stanley! STAN Tell me, Sarah, how do you feel about lobster? DAN Stan! That's my mother you're talking to. SARAH I don't drink, you know. STAN And I don't dance. So if you don't ask me to dance, I won't ask you to drink. CLAUDIA Come on, Sissy, join us? DAN Sissy? SARAH Oh, why not? I need to add some zest to my life. DAN Mom! SARAH (exiting) Just let me freshen up. I'll be right back. CLAUDIA Well, things have a way of working out now don't they? DAN (to Stan) I want her home by 11:00! (LIGHTS COME DOWN. SLIDES BEGIN.) ACT II, SCENE IV LATE THAT SAME NIGHT SCENE: DAN is pacing across the kitchen floor while ABBY sips from a mug of coffee. DAN Where the hell are they? I told that Stan guy 11:00 o'clock. What time is it? ABBY Almost 3:00. DAN Three?! ABBY Almost. DAN Dammit, they just don't listen. I gave specific instructions for him to have her back here by 11:00. I left no room for misunderstanding. Eleven I said! You heard me. ABBY I didn't I hear you; I was in my studio. DAN If you'd have been here, you would have heard me. Eleven, I said. Plain as day. ABBY I'll take your word for it. DAN So where are they? ABBY I don't know. DAN I didn't like this Stan--Stanley--right off. He was all charm and wit; seems to have a ton of money. Driving a goddamn Lexus. Nice looking. Self-confident. I hate guys like that. ABBY Success does terrible things to people. DAN Doesn't it though. (A beat.) I'd better call the police. ABBY And tell them that your mother is staying out too late? DAN The guy could be an ax murderer for all I know. ABBY Did he look like an ax murderer? DAN They never do. ABBY Did he have an ax? DAN Not with him! What, you think they carry axes around with them? ABBY No, but I do think that maybe you're overreacting. DAN Obviously, you're a lot less concerned about your mother's well being than I am with mine. ABBY Now, how did you come up with a conclusion like that? DAN Well ... there you are calmly sipping a cup of mocha Java when your mother could be out there chopped up in pieces somewhere! ABBY So you think this Russ Neary is an ax murderer too? DAN I think that's a very real possibility. ABBY Well! Our mothers certainly know how to pick'em, don't they? DAN Dammit, Abby, I have a legitimate concern for the welfare of my mother and you're making a mockery of it. You obviously don't have as much to worry about because your mother has-- ABBY Because my mother has what? DAN Been around, if you know what I mean? ABBY Oh, I know what you mean, all right. You think your mother is Mary Poppins or maybe Snow White? DAN No, but I don't think she has ... your mother's vast experience in these areas. ABBY What areas? DAN Those of a sensual nature. ABBY I got news for you, Sonny, boy. Your mother knows the ropes. You just haven't been here when she carries on with her sponsor from AA--what's his name? DAN Peter Mason? ABBY He's the one. I think they've become rather attached, if you know what I mean. DAN Petey and my mother; I don't believe it. Their relationship is purely professional, I'm sure. (From OUTSIDE WE HEAR A CAR PULL UP. It stops, DOORS OPEN, there is LAUGHTER, LOUD TALK, HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALS. Then the car drives away, and there is a ruckus at the door as a search goes on for keys. Finally we HEAR THE DOOR OPEN.) ABBY Don't be too hard on them. (SARAH and CLAUDIA enter, pretty drunk and dressed in each other's clothes. Dan notices something is different, but can't immediately put his finger on it.) CLAUDIA Sarah, look ... the kids waited up for us. (Both laugh.) SARAH (suppressing her laughter) How sweet. DAN Well, what have you got to say for yourselves? CLAUDIA (starts out seriously) Only that ... we had one hell of night! SARAH So far! DAN You're drunk! CLAUDIA Just a wee bit tipsy. DAN Mother you can't drink. SARAH Oh yes I can! CLAUDIA She had a momentary lapse; she needed it. ABBY I can't believe you let her. CLAUDIA I had nothing to do with it. She talked Stan into dancing, and he talked her into drinking. DAN Well you are both in very serious trouble! CLAUDIA Hear that, Sarah. We're in trouble. SARAH Oh, no, I'm way past the point of getting in trouble. Why I haven't had a period for 15 years! ABBY Dan, this isn't a good time. Maybe tomorrow at dinner. DAN Mom, I told you 11:00 o'clock. CLAUDIA No, Dan, you told Stan-- SARAH Stanley. CLAUDIA Stanley, 11:00 o'clock. SARAH Dear Stanley. And he tried to bring me home then, but I wouldn't hear of it. The night was so young. DAN Well we have been worried sick; (to Claudia) your daughter hasn't slept a wink. You could have been killed or in some terrible accident for all we knew. ABBY Or chopped up by an ax murderer. DAN I was getting ready to call the police. SARAH The police! We didn't break any laws did we Claudia? CLAUDIA (thinks, then) I don't know about you, but for the antiquated laws of this state ... I might have. (More laughter.) DAN (to Sarah) That's it. You're grounded! SARAH I'm what? DAN You heard me--grounded. (Uncontrollable laughter.) SARAH Did you hear that, Claudia? I'm grounded! ABBY Don't laugh, Mom. So are you! CLAUDIA Sarah, our children have just grounded us. (Hysterical laughter.) DAN And Mom, I don't want you seeing Stan-- ABBY Stanley. DAN Goddammit! It doesn't matter! I don't want you seeing--that man--again. CLAUDIA (to Sarah) Don't worry, Honey, I think you wore him out anyway. DAN Now go to your rooms both of you, and just ... think about what you've done. We'll discuss this further tomorrow at dinner--when you have your wits about you. SARAH Don't forget ... I'm cooking. DAN Jesus! Just go ... SARAH Vegetarian we're having, but no wine. Gotta go straight ... for straight arrow Peter. (Sarah and Claudia stagger off arm in arm laughing and whispering together. Dan watches them for a long time then turns to Abby.) DAN Did my mother have on your mother's T-shirt? ABBY And jeans! (LIGHTS FADE SLOWLY TO BLACK. SLIDES BEGIN. ) ACT II, SCENE V THE FOLLOWING EVENING SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP SLOWLY in the kitchen the following evening. CLAUDIA, ABBY and DAN are seated at the kitchen table. SARAH is cooking, busying herself at the range and sink. Things are a little tense still from the night before. SARAH Don't wait on me; serve it while it's hot. (Dan picks up a bowl of something and sniffs it.) DAN What's this shit? ABBY Dan! DAN I want to have some idea of what I'm eating. ABBY Well, would you please rephrase the question? DAN What this ... shit? CLAUDIA Dan, that's no way to treat your mother. DAN What'd you make, Mom. Looks real ... yummy. SARAH It's a vegetarian dish called Wheat Soy Varnishkas; it's made with soy grits, buckwheat oats and bulgur. DAN Great! Has anybody ever eaten it before? SARAH Don't be silly. Of course they have. DAN And lived to tell about it? SARAH To a ripe old age. Longevity is what vegetarian cooking is all about. DAN Well, it works for the animals anyway. SARAH Try some. (Dan just stares at it.) CLAUDIA I'll have some! (Dan passes the bowl, and Claudia serves herself.) ABBY Me too. It looks wonderful. (Under her breath.) Dan! DAN Soy grits and buckwheat oats? SARAH And bulgur. DAN Right. Don't want to forget that bulgur. (Claudia and Sarah dig in and begin chewing.) DAN How is it? (They chew and nod and try to smile and chew and chew some more.) ABBY Chewy. CLAUDIA (nodding) Definitely ... chewy. ABBY Mom, maybe you shouldn't ... (Claudia signals she is okay and keeps chewing and trying to swallow. Finally she points at her glass of water which Dan hands to her. She gulps it down and gasps for breath. Abby gulps down a glass of water too.) SARAH Everything okay? DAN Seems to be a little chewy. SARAH That's what molars are for. CLAUDIA If you still have them. I'm sorry, Sarah, but those grits are giving me fits. (Claudia exits.) ABBY Sarah, did you soak the bulgur to soften it? SARAH In what? ABBY I'd better check on my mom. Excuse me. (Abby exits.) SARAH Well, how do you like that? DAN I haven't touched the stuff. SARAH You know what I mean. (Takes a seat across from Dan.) Well, I'm not afraid to try something new. DAN That was certainly the case last night. SARAH Dan, I'm your mother, not your daughter, and I don't need a lecture. DAN (picking up the bowl) And I don't need this, (picks up the bowl) but out of common courtesy to you, I'm going to give it a try. (Sarah takes a bite first and begins to chew. She chews and chews and finally manages to swallow with great difficulty while Dan watches.) SARAH God, those poor girls. DAN It doesn't look half bad. SARAH It's not. It's all bad. DAN You shouldn't have tried something new. SARAH I wasn't even drinking! DAN Face it, Mom: Cooking is an art, and you're no artist. SARAH But I so much want to be. DAN It doesn't matter. SARAH It matters! You left because I couldn't cook. DAN I did not! SARAH Most boys run home to their mom's cooking; not you, you ran off and never came back! DAN I didn't run off. SARAH What do you call it? DAN I just ... left. SARAH Same thing! As soon as you were able you went off to play somewhere else, then to school, to work, then to camp, anything to get away ... from me. Only kid I ever saw who insisted on going to summer school. And once you left for college, you never came back. DAN Mom, it wasn't the cooking. SARAH I know that. But I don't know what it was. I never knew. DAN It's just that things were ... difficult. I think maybe you tried too hard to be a good mom. SARAH All I ever wanted was to love you. DAN I know that. SARAH I don't understand what happened.(A beat.) It was me wasn't it? DAN Mom, you don't have to do this. SARAH I didn't know exactly know how to love you; I just knew that no child of mine would ever feel unloved. DAN And I didn't.(A beat.) But it was just too much. I didn't know what to do with that much--attention. It was stifling. SARAH (a little lost) I swore to myself on the day you were born that you would never know the kind of ... rejection I experienced. DAN I don't understand. What rejection? SARAH It doesn't matter. DAN Yes, it does. What rejection? SARAH Mine. DAN (gently) Go on. (He moves beside her.) SARAH My mother ran off with her lover when I was five-years-old. Deserted us. Left me alone with my father. DAN I thought your mother died. SARAH She did for me, at that moment.. DAN But what about the accident? There was no accident? SARAH There was an accident ... 10 years later. By then I didn't need a mother, not her anyway. DAN Your mother abandoned you?! (A beat.) You should have told me. SARAH There was no reason to tell you. It doesn't matter now anyway. DAN It would have! Maybe I would have understood better; maybe I would have done things differently. SARAH Water under the bridge. DAN Mom, it matters! It puts things in context; it gives me a picture of who I am and why I'm the kind of person I am. It clarifies a family portrait that was all murky and out of focus. (A beat.) Tell me about the accident, everything about it. SARAH What's to tell? (A beat.) My father went to bring her home; her lover had left her, so she wanted to come home, and even after ten years, he forgave her and was willing to take her back. I never understood why. We were fine; I'd learned to live without her. She didn't have to come back! (A beat.) On the way back from Denver is when he ran off the road. (A few beats.) You know the rest. DAN Yeah, I know the rest ... SARAH (breaking) I didn't even want her back; she wasn't my mother; she was an embarrassment to me. I wanted her dead, but not Daddy! DAN (embracing her) Mom, it's okay. It wasn't your fault. You were 15; you couldn't have known. SARAH I hated her! She left me! DAN You should have told me. SARAH It didn't concern you. DAN But it did! Don't you see? (A beat,) By smothering me with a love you never got, you drove me away. I didn't know what to do with all your ... attention-- SARAH Not attention! Love! DAN Mom, it was overwhelming; I felt like a freak and had to get away. I didn't know that's what I was doing at the time; I was just a kid, but over the years, looking back on it, I figured it out, but what I didn't know--the thing I couldn't figure out--was why you were so much more loving than anybody else's mother. Now I know. SARAH (a revelation) All I ever wanted was to love you.(A beat.) And that's why you left! DAN I didn't know that's what I was doing at the time. SARAH Oh, god ... ! DAN You didn't know either. It's okay; it's okay. SARAH I never wanted you to be unhappy with me--not then, not now. DAN I'm not unhappy with you, Mom. SARAH You were last night; you grounded me. DAN Forget that! SARAH I can't. I made you unhappy. DAN I'm not unhappy. SARAH You look unhappy. DAN I'm sad ... not unhappy. SARAH What's the difference? DAN The sadness is for you. SARAH I've taken away your freedom. DAN No you haven't. SARAH I won't do anything that makes you unhappy. DAN (breaking) Oh, Mom ... stop it. I'm free; I'm happy. I'm just not ... as much of a son as I ought to be. I want to make for that; I want to make you happy. SARAH (thinks, then) Does that mean I can have a cat? DAN (smiling) Yeah, that's what it means: You can have a cat. (Abby suddenly enters in a huff.) ABBY Did you see that? DAN (covering) No. What? ABBY Mother! She just left with a man. DAN What? SARAH Russ? ABBY No. DAN But she's grounded! SARAH Peter? ABBY No, not Peter. DAN Went right out the front door? ABBY Right out--like a rocket. SARAH Wasn't Stanley? ABBY I thought Stanley was yours. SARAH I did too. DAN And you told her she was grounded? SARAH Must have been Harold. ABBY Yes, I told her! DAN What'd she say. ABBY Her exact words? DAN Yes. ABBY "Bug off, Mother." DAN "Bug off, Mother?" She said that? ABBY Those are her exact words. SARAH Oh that Sissy does have spirit! DAN What shall we do? ABBY I don't know ... bug off? (LIGHTS COME DOWN. SLIDES RUN DURING TRANSITION TO NEXT SCENE.) ACT II, SCENE VI SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP SLOWLY ON ABBY. She is talking on the phone with the local police department. ABBY Yes, that's right ... missing persons. Two of them ... my mother and my mother-in-law. They're missing together--as a team. Well ... Claudia Adams, my mother, is 72 and about 5'6" with brownish hair and eyes. The last time I saw her she had on jeans and a white T-shirt with a scarlet A+ embroidered on it. Sarah Casey, my mother-in-law, is 68, about 5'2" and has grayish hair. I don't have any idea what she was wearing, if anything! My mother's car is gone so I assume they're in it .. a pink Cadillac Coup Deville with vanity plates ... My Life. Yes, well I think that maybe that's where the problems lies as well. (DAN enters and rushes to Claudia.) ABBY My husband just came in ... yes, that's Sarah's son, Dan Casey. No, I kept my maiden name; what difference does it make? Okay, yes, thank you, thank you. We'll be here. DAN Any word? ABBY Nothing. DAN What happened? ABBY They just up and left. Poof and they were gone, both of them. I came down from the studio at five, looked around, didn't see either of them so I checked their rooms. Some clothes were strewn about, their suitcases and toiletries were all gone, and they were no where in sight. Took my Shalimar too. Can you believe that? DAN Didn't they even leave a note? ABBY It's not a suicide; they; just ran off. DAN But why? ABBY I don't know! Yes, I do. No, I don't. I do know Mother was upset about being grounded. DAN It was just temporary. ABBY Not about the time limit. The grounding itself. DAN She was laughing about it! ABBY Yeah, when she was drunk. When she sobered up, she didn't thing it was nearly so funny. DAN But we have to have ... some sense of order around her, don't we? ABBY Order is okay. I think she was offended by you--us--trying to impose some kind of control on her life. DAN I didn't think it was that big of a deal. ABBY It wasn't to us. (A beat.) Still I don't understand why your mother would go. (A beat.) Did she say anything to you? DAN Nothing about running away. ABBY What did she say? DAN Oh, family stuff. Female talk. It was all convoluted and irrational. ABBY Tell me what she said. DAN It was nothing. ABBY Dan, tell me what she said. DAN (thinks, then) It's a difficult thing to explain; I mean, what she told me is very hard to comprehend and at the same time it makes everything else in our history so much more comprehensible. ABBY Explain. DAN Her mother abandoned her when she was five-years-old. ABBY What? DAN Ran away with a man, her lover. Abandoned my mom and her father; that's why Mom was raised by her aunts. (A beat.) I never knew. ABBY Then there wasn't an accident? DAN There was an accident. Ten years later, and it killed both of them. Her mother's lover left her for another woman, and Mom's father wanted her back. They were on their way home from Denver when he went off the road. ABBY Good God! DAN Mom was only 15 when it happened. Her mother was already dead as far as she was concerned. ABBY She must have been filled with feelings of guilt and adolescent rage-- DAN And abandonment. ABBY None of which a child could fully understand. DAN She had this ... family secret buried so deeply buried within herself that she didn't think it could damage anybody else. (A beat.) But it did! She loved me too much, and because I had no idea of where all that love was coming from, I couldn't love her enough. ABBY So her secret led to her being abandoned all over again ... this time by you. DAN If she'd just told me! I didn't know she was living in such pain. ABBY That's probably why she drank. DAN Family secrets. ABBY Hurting everybody all these years. DAN Yeah. (A beat.) I feel like a heap of her Wheat Soy Varnishkas. And I think she ran away so I wouldn't be disappointed with her. ABBY With her what? DAN Her behavior. Her cooking. Her alcoholism. All of it. ABBY Are you? DAN I'm not disappointed; I'm appalled, but I want her back here. That's just ... stuff to work on. I want her home. This is where she belongs. (They embrace Phone rings. Abby answers.) ABBY (into phone) Yes, this is she ... good, where ... no sign of them.... yes, all right, thank you. (Hangs up phone, then to Dan.) They found the car. DAN Where? ABBY Abandoned on the expressway. DAN Abandoned? What does that mean? ABBY They don't know, but ... there was no sign of foul play. DAN Blood!? ABBY God, you are such a pessimist! DAN They're out there all alone. ABBY (breaking) And I miss them so much! DAN (holding her) I do too, Baby. (Their is the SOUND OF A CAR outside, a DOOR SLAMS and then VOICES.) CLAUDIA (off stage) Thank you, Officer. OFFICER (off stage) We'll take care of your car, Ma'am. Don't worry about a thing. SARAH (off stage) She's only worried because you called her, "Ma'am." (The car drives off. CLAUDIA and SARAH enter, a little hesitantly, but in high spirits.) CLAUDIA Well, we're back! ABBY (breaking) Damn you! (She races over and embraces her mother.) ABBY Don't you ever do that to us again. (Dan tucks Sarah under his arm.) DAN You gave us quite a scare. SARAH I guess we're in some real trouble now. DAN No, you're not in trouble. You're in our ... no, you're in your home. And we want you here. SARAH If we didn't believe that, we wouldn't have come back. CLAUDIA That and because we really had no place else to go. SARAH And no place else we wanted to go. (A beat.) But we need to talk rules. CLAUDIA No, no rules, except to respect each other's right to live a full and bountiful life. DAN Meaning what? CLAUDIA Meaning simply that we want to live! To live what's left of our lives unencumbered by petty conventions imposed on us by our children or a society that has no idea of how precious life is to ... SARAH The elderly? CLAUDIA Mature individuals. SARAH I like that much better, Dear. CLAUDIA So, my children, can you live with us living with you or would you rather we just crawled off somewhere and died? DAN and ABBY No! SARAH We'll die soon enough as it is. But until that day comes your mother and I have decided not to allow any ridiculous rules to limit our capacity to enjoy life! ABBY And we won't make any; I promise you that. Just be with us here, where you belong. DAN' And to hell with conventions! Family is family. That's all that matters. (All gather for a group hug. The PHONE RINGS. Sarah answers.) SARAH Hello ... Amy ...yes, we're just fine. Yes, he's right here ... (Now to Dan.) Your daughter ... she says she has, "news." DAN Abby! (BLACKOUT) END OF PLAY Family Matters Page 11 11 Family Matters Page 25 43