The Frog Prince by Allen Pindell (C) 1994 SCENE ONE [Prince walks onstage slowly. A moment later the Witch enters from the opposite side.] WITCH. A-ha! PRINCE. [taken quite by surprise] Ahhh! WITCH. Caught ya! PRINCE. What? WITCH. A-ha! PRINCE. What's all this "a-ha-ing"? I nearly jumped out of my skin! WITCH. Don't think you can get away with it! PRINCE. Get away with what? WITCH. I know it was you who . . . [pause] PRINCE. Yes? WITCH. You stole my magic beans! PRINCE. I haven't got any beans. WITCH. You don't? Oh, well, ah, you tried to sneak a peek in my magic mirror! PRINCE. What mirror? WITCH. At my castle! Don't play dumb with me, sonny. PRINCE. I tried no such thing. I've never been to your castle. Besides, I've no use for mirrors now. My days of primping are over. [sighs; then, to audience] What's the use of being a prince if there's no princesses to fall in love with. WITCH. I've got it now! You were digging in my garden, in my prize pumpkin patch. PRINCE. That was the Baker. WITCH. Was it? Well, were you trying to steal my magic ring of invisibility? PRINCE. No. WITCH. My magic necklace of flying? PRINCE. No. WITCH. My magic shoehorn? PRINCE. What does it do? WITCH. I don't know. I only know that it's magic. PRINCE. Well, no. WITCH. You had to be doing something! PRINCE. I was. Just walking. WITCH. Just walking? PRINCE. And pining. WITCH. And pining? PRINCE. Among the pine trees. I've left my kingdom. There's nothing else to do now but wander. WITCH. How boring. When I was young and beautiful, I wanted nothing else but to live in luxury, like you do. I had no time for pining and wandering. Well, now anyway, you've incurred my wrath. PRINCE. Come again? WITCH. You've raised my ire. PRINCE. What's that? WITCH. You've made me really mad! PRINCE. What for? WITCH. [Thinks a moment] Well . . . ummm . . . nevermind that! I'll think of a reason later. You just irk me, that's all. And now for my favorite part--the punishment! [Sweetly] Would you like a bite of this delicious apple? [Holds out empty hand] PRINCE. What apple? WITCH. Whoops! Forgot the apple. [sweet again] Would you be so kind as to prick yourself on this sewing needle and fall into a hundred year slumber surrounded by a fifty-foot wall of briars? PRINCE. What sewing needle? WITCH. You've got a real attitude, you know. We'll just do this the old-fashioned way then. PRINCE. You're not a very good witch are you? WITCH. Of course I'm not a good witch! I'm a bad witch, stupid! PRINCE. I meant, you're not a very successful witch. WITCH. Not successful, huh. I'll show you successful! Let's see. Hands in the air, turn to the left, turn to the right, turn left again, stop, drop, and roll--no, no, that's in case of a fire. Oh, forget the gestures, they're just to impress the rubes. Got it! I'll turn you into a wombat! PRINCE. What's that? WITCH. Alright, I'll turn you into a duck-billed platypus! PRINCE. What's that? WITCH. Well . . . it has a duck's bill. PRINCE. Yes . . .? WITCH. Fine. Forget the fancy-schmancy stuff. Sink, sink you foul prince! Sink into the mud, become a frog! Stay that way 'til you are loved! PRINCE. [Begins to sink] Help! Help! Can we talk about this?! WITCH. [as she exits] Hmmm. That rhyme was oblique. Oh well, I'll think of a better one for the next time. PRINCE. [Still sinking] Help! Don't leave me! Help! Help! [He is completely gone now. Then:] RRRRibbit! RRRRibbit! [He rises slowly up.] Grrrreat. And I know don't the first thing about being a frrrrrog. I suppose I've another thing to feel sorrrrry for myself about. [Hops across stage, sees well] What's that? A well? I suppose I could do worrrrrse for a home. [Hops to well. Jumps in. A splash is heard. Then, from in the well:] Yeoooowww! It's cold in here. And dark. [He hops out, sits on the edge. He sighs again. Singing is heard offstage. It is the Princess.] Who's that singing? Is it the witch? I'd rather not see her again. But it sounds much too pretty to be the witch. I'll just hide behind the well until I see who it is. I'm not going in again--it's too cold. [He hides behind (beside) the well. The Princess enters, singing and bouncing a golden ball.] PRINCESS. [singing] Money is want I need And if you loved me You'd better heed My advice: More money indeed. More! [bounces ball] More!! [bounces ball higher] More!!! [higher still] More!!!! [ball bounces highest still and it comes down into the well] Shoot! [she runs to well and looks down] I can't even see it, it's so dark down there. I want my golden ball. I want my golden ball! [She begins to cry] PRINCE. [aside] She's so beautiful, [pause] except when she's crying. And she must be a princess: no one else plays with golden balls or loses them so carelessly. A princess! And I thought they all were gone. I must win her over. I'll get her golden ball, and she'll fall in love with me, I'll turn back to my old self, and we'll be married! [PRINCE hops up onto the edge of the well.] Excuse me, fair prrrrrincess. PRINCESS. EEEK! A toad! A slimy toad! Help! PRINCE. Wait, wait! There's no need to be frrrrightened. PRINCESS. You can talk? PRINCE. Yes. PRINCESS. EEEK! A talking toad! A slimy, talking toad! Help! PRINCE. Please! I want to help you! I'll get your golden ball! PRINCESS. EEE--What? PRINCE. I'll get your golden ball for you. PRINCESS. You will? PRINCE. Yes. PRINCESS. Oh, thank you, slimy, talking toad. PRINCE. I'm a frrrrrog. But if I fetch your golden ball, you must do something for me. PRINCESS. [wary, a bit annoyed] What? PRINCE. You must promise to be my friend. You must let me sit at your dinner table with you, and to eat off your plate. You must play with me, and you must let me sleep in your room on the pillow in your comfortable bed. PRINCESS. Well . . . I don't know. What would people think if they saw me hanging out with a slimy, talking toad. PRINCE. Don't worry about other people. Think about your golden ball. Oh, and stop calling me a slimy, talking toad. PRINCESS. Well, that's what you are. PRINCE. First imprrrrressions can be wrong, sweet, kind Princess. Now, what do you say? PRINCESS. Well . . . alright. But hurry, it's almost time for supper. PRINCE. Good, I'm hungrrrrry. PRINCESS. Pick up the pace. PRINCE. OK. [Looks down into the well] I forgot how dark it was down there. And cold. PRINCESS. Come on, toad. PRINCE. I'm a frrrrrog! I mean, I'm a-- PRINCESS. Whatever. [She pushes him in the well. He yelps, falls; a splash is heard; he "yeeoooww"'s again.] Do you have it? PRINCE. Mmmy mmmrot mmitt mmimm mmmry mmmroumth. PRINCE. What?! PRINCE. Mmmy mmmrot mmitt mmimm mmmry mmmroumth. PRINCESS. I can't understand you. [PRINCE "spits" the ball up out of the well. The PRINCESS catches it.] PRINCE. [in well]. I said, I've got it in my mouth. PRINCESS. No, I've got it in my hand. PRINCE. [in well]. Well, I just spit it out. [PRINCESS looks at the ball and squeals] PRINCESS. Ooooh! It's so slimy! [She rubs the ball on her dress] KING. [offstage] Princess! Come to supper! PRINCESS. I've got to get to supper now. I'll just ditch the slimeball. Bye, toad! [She runs off] PRINCE. Wait! Wait for me! You promised to take me with you! Wait for me! [He climbs out of the well and sits on the side] Don't go yet! [Quieter now] Wait. [pause] And I'm not a toad. I'm a frog. I mean, I'm not a frog. I'm . . . forget it. [He hops off.] SCENE TWO [A table rises (cutout of table with painted perspective of width, laden with painted food and a painted candelabra. The KING enters.] KING. Princess! Supper time! PRINCESS [offstage]. Coming! I'm just washing some toad slime off my hands. [She enters] KING. Toad slime? PRINCESS. Yeah, it was down at the well. KING. Toad slime? PRINCESS. The toad. KING. Ah. Were you playing with it? PRINCESS. I tried, but it bit me. KING. It bit you?! PRINCESS. Well, he didn't have any teeth, so he just slobbered on me. KING. You're all right then? PRINCESS. Yes, Daddy. KING. Good. Now eat your supper. PRINCESS. Daddy, can I have some golden jacks? KING. Golden jacks? What for? PRINCESS. To go with my golden ball, of course. [There is a pounding offstage, like someone slapping a wet hand on a door.] KING. I wonder who that could be? PRINCESS. Don't answer it, Daddy? KING. Why not? PRINCESS. We're eating right now. KING. I better see who it is. [KING EXITS] PRINCESS. Daddy, no! [pause] I hope it's not that slimy, talking toad. He gives me the creeps. He'll probably give me warts, too. [KING enters] KING. There's someone here to see you, Princess. PRINCESS. I'm not interested. I don't want to see anyone. KING. But it's a talking frog. Isn't that wonderful. I've never seen--or heard--a talking frog before. PRINCESS. Yeah, great, Daddy. Just give him a fly and send him away. [PRINCE enters] PRINCE. Prrrrrincess. PRINCESS. Get away, you nasty beast! PRINCE. But, Prrrrrincess, you promised. PRINCESS. I did no such thing! KING. What is this? What did you promise? PRINCESS. Nothing! I didn't promise a thing! Especially to that slimy, talking toad. PRINCE. I'm a frrrrrog! I mean--[he sighs]--Princess you promised that if I fetched your golden ball from the well you would let me eat dinner here with you. KING. Did you, daughter? PRINCESS. Of course not, Daddy. Why would I promise such a thing to a toad. KING. He's a frog. PRINCESS. [exasperated] Whatever. PRINCE. You did. You said I could eat with you here at the table. PRINCESS. No I didn't. PRINCE. And that I could play with you, and that when we were tired we could take a nap, and that we would go fly-hunting in the morning. PRINCESS. I didn't agree to fly-hunting! [pause] Oops. I mean, I didn't agree to fly-hunt, or anything else, either--I just meant I especially didn't agree to the part about fly-hunting, I mean, shoot. KING. Well, now, did you promise this frog you would do those things? PRINCESS. Yes, I did. But not the part about fly-hunting! KING. Frog? PRINCESS. She's right about the fly-hunting. She promised the rest, though. KING. Then Princess, you must follow your word. You will eat dinner with the frog. PRINCESS. But, Daddy! KING. No buts. I'll leave you two alone to eat. Be a good girl, Princess. [He exits] PRINCE. Great! Let's eat! PRINCESS. You stay on that side of the table! PRINCE. But I want to eat from your plate. You promised. PRINCESS. No! PRINCE. I'd hate to tell your father that you broke your promise. [He moves to her side of the table and begins eating from her plate. He makes dreadful lip-smacking noises and slurps. The PRINCESS is revolted by this. She begins to cry and runs from the room.] Wait! Wait! Come back, Princess [He follows her offstage. Table descends and a bed rises. This is the Princess's bedroom. She goes to the bed and continues crying. The PRINCE enters.] SCENE THREE PRINCE. Prrrrrincess? PRINCESS. Go away! PRINCE. Are you not hungrrrry? PRINCESS. Leave me alone! PRINCE. Is it time to play? PRINCESS. No! I just want to go to bed. PRINCE. Well, I'm tirrrrred, too. [He hops onto the pillow and startles the PRINCESS. She squeals in surprise, then:] PRINCESS. Oh, look what you've done, you horrible beast! You've got toad slime on my pillow. Get away! [She flings him across the room. He yells as he flies and lands in a crumpled heap on the floor. He moans in pain. The PRINCESS looks up in surprise.] Are you hurt? [He moans] I-I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I just wanted you to go away. I don't deal with slime very well. [He moans again] Oh! I'm sorry. Oh, dear, you're hurt badly, aren't you? I'm so sorry, I--Please don't die. I'll let you eat from my plate. I'll play with you. I-I-I'll even let you sleep on my pillow. I won't go fly-hunting, though. I never agreed to that. [He moans again] Oh, don't go. You weren't so bad. I was actually starting to like you. PRINCE. [moaning] What? PRINCESS. Well, I said it didn't I--I was actually starting to like you. [He moans] I mean it! I wouldn't lie! [pause] Alright, I sometimes lie, but this time I mean it. I really do. Don't go away. PRINCE. Love? PRINCESS. I wouldn't go that far, but liking's a start, isn't it? Is that good enough for you? PRINCE. I don't know. [He moans] PRINCESS. Please. Don't leave me. I'm lonely. Please. [The PRINCE starts sinking into the floor.] What's going on? Toad? Where are you going? [He disappears.] Well, that's odd. He just vanished into the floor. I figured I'd have to bury him in a shoebox, or something. [She sighs] I do miss him though. [She turns away. The PRINCE (as the PRINCE) rises from the floor. She does not see him.] PRINCE. Prrrrincesss. PRINCESS. [She wheels around and gasps] Who are you? PRINCE. I'm the frrrrr--[clears throat]--excuse me, I've got a frog in my throat [wait for appropriate groans from the audience]-- I'm the frog, I mean, I'm the Prince, I mean, I'm the Prince who was turned into a frog. PRINCESS. That was you? PRINCE. Yes. Do you still like me? PRINCESS. I suppose you're not as slimy anymore. PRINCE. Did you mean it? About liking me? PRINCESS. I suppose so . . . yes, I did. PRINCE. Great! Then we can get married, and-- PRINCESS. Hold on. Let's just take things slow. You still have to meet my father. PRINCE. I already have. [They begin moving offstage.] PRINCESS. Not like that, you haven't, wait until he sees what the slimy, talking toad turned into. PRINCE. Frog. PRINCESS. Whatever. [They are gone.] THE END