Gadzooks and Ophelia A Comedy in One Act by Cheryl Ann Costa (c) Copyright 1996 Cheryl Ann Costa - All Rights Reserved Synopsis: A tale of a norse demi god named Gadzooks, a godly mentor to young warriors who gets yelled at by Odin "God of the Norse. Odin is upset because Gadzooks has been tipping one to many tankards of mead in the hall. As punishment and for Odin's amuzement, Gadzooks is ordered to Earth to mentor in muze like manner; a mortal artist. Gadzooks ends up in 1961, in a little Texas town, in the middle of the night, with a drunken eighteen year old female who's flunking out art school. Dedicated with fond admiration and love to Rod Serling Characters: Gadzooks: the Nordic Warrior Demi God, young handsome, tall athletic, built like a warrior. He's a warrior and a serious party animal. He likes to drink, likes to fight, likes his, he's clearly out of his element talking to a artist. He's witty without knowing it and considers himself charming to women, in a word he's full of himself! Ophelia/Pearl: Pearl is a struggling art student, she's the awkward loner, and the outcast of her high school class. She's been smothered by the little Texas all her life. She wants to go way and make herself into, she lacks confidence in herself. The Voice of Odin: Odin has a very clear command quality in his voice. He's has no nonsense cut to the chase nature. After all he is the God of Valhalla and all the Norse men. Lighting Special Requirement: A God Light, very special "living light", bright, containing motion, color and pulsating vibrancy. Scene One Place: Valhalla Time: VST Valhalla Standard Time Scene: The play opens after a very triumphant sounding pre-show of Wagner style music suite. A single special God light brightens on a dark stage, and a very deep resonate voice is heard over the sound system. Odin: (calm a matter of fact) Gadzooks. (pause 10 seconds) (Strong with intent) Gadzooks! (pause 5 Seconds ) (Commanding) GADZOOKS !!! (pause 5 seconds) (Forceful, losing cool) I W A N T G A D Z O O K S !!! (Gadzooks leisurely strolls into the light, holding a very large tankard) Gadzooks: You wanted to see me your excellence? Odin: Gadzooks I called for you four times, where were you? Gadzooks: Toasting victories and telling stories in the Hall of Valkyries, oh great one. Odin: I thought so, (beat) Gadzooks I've been meaning to speak to you about that. Gadzooks: About what your omniscience? Odin: You're spending entirely too much time in the Hall of Valkyries. Gadzooks: I know, But Lokie's Garden is too full of, (beat) well mischief. Odin: That's not what I mean Gadzooks, you're a warrior you have duties. I'm disappointed in you, I had such high hopes for you, I thought at one time that you might perhaps out shine your cousin Thor. Gadzooks: You did? (puzzled) I mean I didn't? Odin: Instead all you do is guzzle mead in the hall. Gadzooks, why aren't you down on Earth inspiring new and talented mortal warriors? Gadzooks: Well your excellence, I would be there but there just haven't been any glorious wars to inspire mortal warriors with. I mean it's hard to inspire someone to fight if the cause isn't, (beat) fashionable. Odin: FASHIONABLE !!! (restrained) Gadzooks, did you ever stop to think that until you inspire some talented warriors, (loud) there won't be any glorious wars! Gadzooks: (bit on the sheepish side) Huh, I never looked at it that way you lordship. Odin: I though so. Who were the last two great mortal warriors you inspired? Gadzooks: Well there was this guy named Von Richtoven, he was a warrior of the air, something they call a flyer, he died a hero's death in the heat of battle, falling from the sky like a wounded eagle. (matter of fact) I was having a tankard of mead with him in the Hall of Valkyries when you called. Odin: Who else? Gadzooks: Then there was this great guy named Patton, George S. Patton! He was a warrior's warrior your excellence. Fearless, determined , with a sense of greatness and with face of stone, perfect for battle. Odin: Did he died in a blaze of glory too? Gadzooks: Not Exactly, he was killed in his horseless chariot just after the last great mortal war. The last I saw of him he was chasing a red headed serving wench in the hall--- (over lap "the hall" with Odin as Odin cuts off Gadzooks) Odin: ---the Hall of Valkryies! I might have known. So Gadzooks, who have you inspired lately? Gadzooks: Your excellence, good material in a mortal being is hard to come by, it takes special qualities, just the right instinct, the right character, the right sparkle, a warriors essence ; rare raw material at best. (pompous) Then it takes the hands of a fearless God warrior like myself to mold this raw quality in to a truly great warrior. Odin: Really, You give me the impression that you could inspire just about anybody for anything, is that right ? (Gadzooks - aw schucks mode) Gadzooks: Well in all humbleness , your omniscience, I'm flattered that you think so, while I could be an inspiration for just about any mortal, I truly believe that I'm the best at inspiring warriors, that's my true calling. Odin: You know, I'd like to see you do that, inspire someone other than a warrior. That would be a treat indeed, splendid fun too. Ha Ha Ha Ho Ho YES Splendid Fun! Gadzooks: But your holiness, I didn't mean that I (cut off by Odin) Odin: Gadzooks, I want you to go to Earth and I want to you inspire a mortal being, hummm what will it be ? I know, I want you to go down there and inspire an ARTIST! A painter, a sculptor, a perhaps a dancer. (pleased with himself) Yes, by Valhalla that's it! Gadzooks your going to earth to inspire a mortal artist! (Gadzook looking caught off guard ) Gadzooks: A Mortal Artist? I am? BUT But but your excellence, don't the greek muses do that, don't they have a Guild or something? Odin: Oh I'm sure they'll appreciate a little help, from one of Valhalla's finest. HA HA HO HA HA Let it be done! It is the Will of Odin! And Gadzooks (beat) don't come back Valhalla until the Deed is Done. (Odin's light is gone, Gadzooks is now in normal general lighting) Gadzooks: (Warrior's Scream) Ahhhhhhhhh! How in the name of Odin am I suppose to inspire an artist. They're usually finicky bunch, with strange habits and egos the size of Odin's bed. But wait, this could be an opportunity in the making, I could be going to inspire another Bach or Beethoven, maybe another DiVinci, or Michangelo; I could end up (pompous) in all my glory on a ceiling someplace. I like the sound of this! (deliver with powerful intent) Look out mortal artist who ever you are. I am Gadzooks a God of the Norse and I'm coming to inspire you in you're Craft! You will know the love and greatness of the GODS of VALHALLA, you will know ME! BY ODIN! (Black out - End of Scene One) SCENE TWO Place:Port Arthur, Texas Time: 3am July 14th, 1961 (A soft blue ghost lighting is fluorescing the stage, a very dim warm light is up on the couch, where a lump of female human flesh lays sleeping off an evening's intoxication. Upon Gadzooks appearance on the stage the blue lights come up to full.) Gadzooks: AH! A mortal dwelling, a bit shabby, lived in, obviously an eccentric artist type. Ah, a young female in the through of mortal slumber. She must be the daughter of the maestro I'm here to inspire. Such a lovely thing she is, (waves his hand over the couch, light brightens on only the couch area, he moves the back of the couch and admires the female) Such a vision of loveliness, the skin of "Idun" and the hair of "Gefjon", the bosom of Freya", she reminds me of the fair Ophelia of Denmark. Perhaps after I inspire her father as an artist I'll have my way with her. (beat) But mortal time is not to be wasted, I must wake her to find her father the great master to be. (Gadzooks leans over her and trys to wake her with gentle words) Gadzooks: Ophelia, oh gentle Ophelia wake up, wake up sweet princess, it is I the warrior supreme from Valhalla. (She just mumbles, he attempts to shake her gently) Ophelia, dear sweet Ophelia I am here to inspire your father the maestro, please wake up sweet rose pedal. (Groggy at first then she snaps to awake) Ophelia: Ok hummm Ok humm ok what, wait, Who the hell are you! What the hell are you doing in my apartment! (holding her head, obvious hangover) Gadzooks: I'm Gadzooks and I'm here looking for the maestro. Ophelia: Mindy doesn't live here any more, how the hell did you get in here? Did she give you a key? Gadzooks: Who's Mindy my dear sweet Ophelia? Ophelia: My name is NOT Ophelia, it's Pearl. Any way Mindy moved out last month, her band got a record contract in LA, didn't she tell you fella. Gadzooks: I'm afraid you misunderstand me Ophelia, I'm looking for the maestro, the budding artist of this dwelling. Would that be your father? Ophelia: I told you my name's not Ophelia, it's Pearl, look my father is not here and he's not an artist! Gadzooks: There must be a mistake, I was sent here to inspire and artist! Ophelia: I'm the only one trying to be an artist in this place, and I'd really wish you'd go back where ever you come from, so I can sleep off this drunk, don't slam the door on your way out OK, Ciao ( She collapses back on to the couch) Gadzooks: Ophelia, If you're the artist of this humble mortal dwelling (with pomp) then I'm here to inspire you! Ophelia: Oh, God they all say that! Who did you say you were? Gadzooks: I'm Gadzooks, I'm a warrior God and I'm here to inspire the artist within this dwelling, rather the artist within you. I'm here to take the character and essence of your mere mortal existence and fashion it into the heart of an artist, a true master among men. Ophelia: Now I know I'm having a drunken nightmare. (looking at his clothing) Is that a sword your wearing? If you're really here, why don't you go home and let me sleep this off, why not drop by in a few days, maybe we can talk about forming a band or something OK, now please leave! (mood now down) Gadzooks: I can't go home. I've been told not to come home until I accomplish the Deed. No more mead in the Hall of Valkyries until I succeed in my mission. (He sits down all forlorn on the end of the couch) Ophelia: Jesssh, You west Texas boys sure do have strange rites of passage, didn't ya know they closed down all the brothels a few months ago! I can't believe you didn't hear about it, it was in all the papers. Besides I've never heard of the Hall of Valerie. Look hon, I've got a bad drunk going on here and I really want to sleep it off, I'm asking you to "please leave" so I can get some sleep. Gadzooks: Ophelia dear sweet Ophelia what do I have to do to convince you that I'm a very special muse and I'm here to help you in your artistic pursuits. Ophelia: Damn it for the last time my name is not Ophelia it's Pearl! Who the hell is this Ophelia broad any way? Gadzooks: Ophelia is a very wonderful young maiden from Denmark that I had a loving flutter for many years ago, she had a crazy cousin, or at least everybody though he was crazy, anyway she died at all to young an age, a mere child in the flower of her youth. Ophelia: I'm sorry to hear that zooky old boy but that's the way life is, sometimes alot of tough breaks. Ok, if we're going to sit up all night and talk then let's turn on some lights. (She starts to get up, but stops as Gadzooks waves his arms with his palms up, the lights brighten) (Looking pleased with himself) Gadzooks: Hows that? (aw struck) Ophelia: That's great. (sits back on the couch stunned Gadzooks sits smiling at her struggling) How did you do that? Dah me, now I know that I'm having a drunken hallucination. Oh what the hell, I might as well enjoy it. What did you say your name was? Gadzooks: I'm Gadzooks (decides to be more pastoral) Ophelia (beat) I mean Pearl, I am not an apparition for your drunken mind. I am truly an enlightened being from that place mortals call Valhalla. It is by the will of Odin that I come here to you, to help you in the pursuit of your artistic calling, whatever that might be. Ophelia: You know, somehow I believe you, in a strange sort of way. Gadzooks: That's your inner heart, confirming a universal truth. Ophelia: Ok I'm game, I'll go along with this for now. So how does a God for Valhalla inspire a budding artist like myself, do you wave your hands over me and presto I'm a world renown artist ten hit records and a pile of money? Gadzooks: It doesn't work like that Pearl, I give advice and help where I can, you do the serious work, I just make sure the really good work get's noticed. So, what kind of artist are you, a painter, sculptor, writer a dancer perhaps. Ophelia: I was trying really hard to be a painter but the jerks at the college say I just don't have it. So, I've been thinking about becoming a blues singer. Gadzooks: That's wonderful Pearl, you want to be (beat) a Blues Singer(confused-beat) What's a Blues Singer? Ophelia: You're a muse and you don't know what the Blues is? Gadzooks: I have an explanation, I usually teach warriors the fine art of battle, I guess the Greeks were short handed with muses so Odin loaned me out. I'm still divine inspiration, no matter how you look at it. Pearl think of it this way, if I were really a bonfide muse, surely I'd know what a blues singer was, but I'm not and I haven't the foggiest idea what these blues are. Ophelia: So you're some kind of hack and slash guy, and you're here to teach me how to sing the Blues, now I know I'm drunk. Gadzooks: Pearl, why not teach me what Blues Singing is about, and I'll try and fit my experience into the problem the best I can. Please try and trust me. Ophelia: "Trust me", they all say that. Ok it's like this, the Blues are sort of sad songs. Gadzooks: Sad songs, do you really think people are going to like sad songs, I mean I like to hear happy songs of glorious battles myself. Is there really a market for singing sad songs? Ophelia: There not exactly sad songs, but you sing them like your sad. Gadzooks: I would think that if you're sad, you wouldn't be in a good mood for singing, but you are mortal and mortals do have strange ways. Ophelia: Let me put it another way, you said you are a warrior, have you ever lost a battle? Gadzooks: ME!? Lose a battle, I've never (beat) well maybe one perhaps two. What are you getting at? Ophelia: Remember how down you were about losing, you just wanted to go home and get drunk and cry in your beer? Gadzooks: Yes, I felt very bad, I just wanted to go and hold my head in shame, I had disgraced my great house. Ophelia: Ok, that's when you should have sung a love song about your girl friend. Gadzooks: You're saying that I should have sung about my girl friend while I felt like pig dung? (beat ) That's the Blues? ( She just stares into his eyes as he begins to understand.) Ophelia: That's the Blues. Gadzooks: The Blues, what a concept, singing love songs while you feel bad. But does that mean that I can only sing the Blues when I'm really feeling bad, because I'm a God of Valhalla and I rarely feel bad. Ophelia: The trick to singing the blues is to finding that little bit of feeling, that sad essence that makes you always feel a little bit sad, just enough to put you in the mood. Gadzooks: Like what? A sad memory? Ophelia: Not exactly a sad memory, but a memory that always puts you in a distant longing mood, something the makes you wish for something that can't be. It's there something you long for and can't have as a God? (He thinks for a moment) Gadzooks: Oh Oh Yes there's one memory, the memory of my sweet Ophelia. (He becomes distant) Ophelia: Wait a minute, I thought you said she died, isn't she in Valhalla with you? Gadzooks: Pearl, you don't understand, Ophelia was a mortal, she died while still in the flower of her youth. In death she went to the place where all who die in youth go. It's a special place, a place where they dance in the light of the creator of all things. Besides Valhalla is for warriors and those who are specially blessed by Odin. Ophelia: You mean the Gods suffer? Gadzooks: Yes! We suffer, in our own way. Ophelia: Well Gadzooks old boy, It looks to me like the blues is going to make a debut in Valhalla really soon. Gadzooks: What do you mean? Ophelia: It's my guess when you get back there, sooner or later you'll start crying in you beer and start singing. Gadzooks: But, I can't go back there until I've inspired you, and you're already a blues singer, so what's to inspire. Ophelia: I may be a blues singer but nobody else thinks so. Gadzooks: Pearl, what's that blues place in your heart, that thing that makes you cry in your beer. Ophelia: All the time I was growing up especially in highschool, I've been an odd ball and a bit of an out cast. When ever I think about it, it makes me sad in side. Sometimes I just get angry and I start throwing things, I feel like I want to kill something, especially some of those little snits from highschool. (Gadzooks perks up) Gadzooks: That's Great! Ophelia: That I want to kill something???? Gadzooks: Oh!, you bet it is, Pearl you've got the blood lust of a warrior, that thirst to go out there and kill something. Now I know I can help. Ophelia: Help me, you really can help me? Gadzooks: Ophelia, the hardest thing I have to teach to young warriors is the technique of dredging up a some memory that brings out the animal in them. Trying to get them to come to rage of wanting to go out an kill something is a real challenge. Little Warrior you're half way there. Ophelia: Am I going to have to hack somebody up into little pieces? Gadzooks: Nah, not unless you want to, remember I'm here to help you with blues singing not hacking. Ophelia: That's a relief! So where do we start? Gadzooks: Kid you're most of the way there, but first I should have a little pep talk with you and sort of explain the rules of engagement. If you're going to be a warrior or a blue singer in you case, you got to do it with all you heart and feeling. You've got to charge out there like you own the place and take charge. (Ophelia starts to get pumped) Ophelia: I want to take charge! YAH! Gadzooks: Yah! Fight hard and take no prisoners! Ophelia: Take!! NO!! Prisoners!! Gadzooks: Live life like there's no tomorrow, live every moment like it's the last breath you'll ever take. (Gadzooks delivers the following with power and volume, Ophelia echoes back each phrase with equal and building enthusiasm) Gadzooks/Ophelia: Fight hard !! Live hard!! Play hard!! Love hard!!! Gadzooks: ---and when the battle is won drink and feast hard. Ophelia: Gosh, If I do all that I won't live to be thirty. Gadzooks: Did you want to live forever? Ophelia: Welllll?? Gadzooks: So what, if you don't live to be thirty, if you die you'll come to Valhalla and feast with me and my pals Patton and Von Richtoven in the Hall of Valkryies. We'll drink mead from Odin's goat and feast upon the meat of Andhrimnir's boar until Ragnarok. Ophelia: Me in Valhalla? Gadzooks: Sure! and if you want to reincarnate, I'll fix it with Odin so next time you come back as a boy! So you can be a real warrior next time. Hows that sound? Ophelia: Great! Oh, What the hell! Let's do it! Let's do what has to be done! (solemn tone) Gadzooks: Pearl, Is it by your will that you wish to be a warrior blues singer? Ophelia: Yes, I want to go out and take on the world of music with the enthusiasm of a warrior. I want the world to know me as a warrior among blues singers! (quizzically) Gadzooks: and? Ophelia: and ? Gadzooks: ---and Don't forget the glory, (beat) never forget the glory! Ophelia: Oh yeh, glory (beat) OH YEAH the GLORY ! (beat) I want to return to this shabby little town without pity, and I want to show them damn little snits from highschool, that I made someone out of myself. That I had dreams, dreams that I hunted down and captured. I want to ride into town on my ten year reunion day in glorious victory! Hailed as an accomplished maestro in my chosen art and as the Warrior Queen of the Blues! (With enthusiasm) Gadzooks: Now you're talking like a warrior! If it's the will of Odin, then it shall be done! (He motions her over to a spot in front of the coffee table and starts the process.) Ophelia: What do I do? Gadzooks: You get down on one knee and I'll invoke Odin's power and blessing upon you, and Pearl, no matter what happens, never be scared of anything, Trust Me, I'll always be with you,. (He kisses her on the forehead) (sheepishly) Ophelia: I trust you. (The following invocation of Odin delivered with a tone of solemn and building promp) (lightning: a special brightness begins to build from his first words, building with more and more wind and rumble) Gadzooks: I, call upon the gates of Valhalla to open so that prayers of the warrior Gadzooks and the young warrior Pearl can be heard clearly by the ear of Odin. I, call upon Bragi, god of poetry, son of Odin to bless this warrior with the gift of poetry so that her songs will have a handsome ring. I, call upon Freya, goddess of love, fertility and war to bless this singing warrior with a love for her craft and fertility in the creation of her songs and the strength to fight for her work. I, call upon Vor, god of vows to seal this blessing for this Queen of Warrior Blues Singers, who this day commits freely to Odin and Valhalla her strengths, talents and passions. For which she will be rewarded with our love and promise of life in Valhalla. LET THIS BE DONE, IN THE NAME OF ODIN ! (Blinding lighting and Thunder sounds - FADE TO BLACK) Scene Three Place: Pearl's living room Music: (General lighting comes up on stage, Ophelia is crashed out on the couch, after a few moments of general lighting she begins to wake up.) (After a few moments, she looks around for someone) Ophelia: Oh my head. nah!! Must have been a wild dream. Gads, this dropping out of art school really has me wrapped around the proverbal flag pole. Now I'm having nightmares about it. Girl why are you letting yourself get messed up with those jerks at the damn college. Last night you wanted to quit art school and join a band (beat) become a blues singer. (pauses and trys to tidy the table-- talking to herself) And whats wrong with becoming a blues singer? Mama always told me I had a great voice. Oh what the damn hell! (She picks up the phone, dials and pauses, she begin a one sided conversation with her college) Good morning, registrars office please. (Pause, looks around the room still looking for someone) I hope you can help me, I'm an art student and I'd like to withdraw and get as much tuition refund as possible. (pause) Yes I'm sure about it, you see I've made other plans for my life, that's right! You will?! Gee I thought you folks would give me a hard time or somethin, Thanks, My name? Oh, I forgot to tell you my name? Sorry. My name is Janis Joplin. (Music: A piece of Jan's bluezy music fades up for a few bars. She keeps acting as if she is talking to the phone, the lights fade to black. ) Curtain Call (Curtain call suggestion: A posthumous twist have her make her curtain call in the Valhalla space with Gadzooks) Performance Compensation: The issue of performance compensation is a tricky one for all artists. The following list of performance styles is long but it fairly covers the range of performance situations with a modest cost for gate performances and virtually free accomadation for students. CAC 03/18/97 Free Reading: Free with author notification Reading with gate fee: $10 and author notification Student production class/grade related: Free with author notification Student production with gate fee: $15 and author notification with program Student Competition: Usually Free - Case by case basis contact author Community Theater - Production: $50 or 5% of gate with author notification with program Community Theater Competition: Usually Free - Case by case basis contact author Professionals: Contact Author for details, production assistance