David Michael Slater 8429 SW 37th Ave. Portland, OR 97219 (503) 245-5475 GODS AND CATS SCENE I PLAY BEGINS WITH THE SOUND OF A FEROCIOUS DOG BARKING. THE STAGE IS CLOUDED BY FOG. TWO YOUNG MEN (IDENTICAL TWINS) ARE SEEN STANDING UNDER A LARGE TREE IN THOUGHTFUL POSTURES. (THESE POSTURES MUST BE A BIT UNUSUAL AS THEY WILL BE REPEATED IN THE PLAY'S FINAL IMAGE.) THEY ARE STARTLED AND FRIGHTENED BY THE BARKING. THE BROTHERS ARE DRESSED IN A BASIC COSTUME OVER WITCH THEY WEAR SOME SIMPLE BUDDHIST-LIKE GARMENTS. THROUGHOUT THE PLAY, CLAUSIUS 2 IS ALWAYS UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HIS COSTUME. THEY ARE WITHOUT SHOES. THE TREE IS A PERMANENT FIXTURE IN THE PLAY. CLAUSIUS 1 Did you hear that? CLAUSIUS 2 Scary wasn't it? CLAUSIUS 1 It was coming right for us. Ferocious! CLAUSIUS 2 I didn't see anything. CLAUSIUS 1 What are you talking about? It was almost deafening. CLAUSIUS 2 What? CLAUSIUS 1 I said it was almost deafening. CLAUSIUS 2 What? CLAUSIUS 1 Oh, cut it out. And don't pretend you weren't afraid. I could hear you quivering next to me. CLAUSIUS 2 You can't hear someone quiver. I thought it was you barking anyway. CLAUSIUS 1 Why would I bark at you? CLAUSIUS 2 Because I know your bark is worse than...(He becomes increasingly confused) your bite isn't a bark like...its the bite that's... CLAUSIUS 1 Shut up. I hate when you are completely oblivious to danger. You think you're safer because refuse to acknowledge danger even when it barks in your face--but you're not. You constantly risk life or limb without even knowing it. It amazes me. CLAUSIUS 2 I'd hate to loose life or limb. I'd hate to loose anything, really--unless it was some kind of parasite or something, or loose change--but you know, even that sometimes bothers me. CLAUSIUS 1 What? CLAUSIUS 2 I once read that some people who have lost a limb still sometimes have the distinct feeling that they still have it. It's called the phantom limb or something, but I'm... CLAUSIUS 1 What's that? CLAUSIUS 2 Really, I read once that one guy has to wake up his phantom arm every morning in order to function properly. He knows, rationally, that his arm is no longer a part of his body, but he can't get through the day without recreating for himself the illusion that the arm is still there. When he wakes up he has to pinch and prod his stump until the phantom arm wakes up. CLAUSIUS 1 That's ridiculous. CLAUSIUS 2 I'm just telling you what I read. CLAUSIUS 1 Never mind. Now, pay attention would you? We have arrived at our destination. CLAUSIUS 2 Oh? Where exactly are we? CLAUSIUS 1 Here. By a sacred tree, on a sacred hill. CLAUSIUS 2 I can see that. Just remind me why we are here. CLAUSIUS 1 There is only one possible reason why we would be above a sacred hill by a sacred tree. CLAUSIUS 2 To find ourselves? CLAUSIUS 1 We are still looking. CLAUSIUS 2 It has been a while. CLAUSIUS 1 You might say that. CLAUSIUS 2 Centuries. CLAUSIUS 1 You might say that. CLAUSIUS 2 I did...didn't I? CLAUSIUS 1 Never mind. THE TWO MEN TAKE A SEAT UNDER THE TREE, CROSS-LEGGED. PAUSE AS THEY LOOK AROUND AT THEIR SURROUNDINGS. CLAUSIUS 2 I still can't get over how loud those barking gods were back there. Frightful, really. CLAUSIUS 1 You mean dogs. CLAUSIUS 2 Yes, gods, that's what I said. CLAUSIUS 1 Strange dyslexia. CLAUSIUS 2 You might say that. Yes. CLAUSIUS 1 A horrible version of a unique disorder. CLAUSIUS 2 Yes. A unique version of a horrible disorder. CLAUSIUS 1 You see everything backwards. CLAUSIUS 2 Some things only, or (pause) only some things. CLAUSIUS 1 See what I mean? CLAUSIUS 2 Indeed. CLAUSIUS 1 Horrible. CLAUSIUS 2 Terrible. CLAUSIUS 1 Atrocious. CLAUSIUS 2 Frightful, really. But of course it all depends on one's ... CLAUSIUS 1 Perspective? CLAUSIUS 2 No. I was going to say point of view. CLAUSIUS 1 I apologize. Let's just understand that we are here, now, for a reason. CLAUSIUS 2 Perspective? CLAUSIUS 1 No. Point of view. So let's just try to be serious for a while; you might learn something. CLAUSIUS 2 Everyone needs a teacher. CLAUSIUS 1 There you are. CLAUSIUS 2 Where? CLAUSIUS 1 I meant that's right. Everyone needs a teacher. CLAUSIUS 2 Even teachers? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes I suppose so, even teachers. CLAUSIUS 2 But of course, it has to end somewhere. CLAUSIUS 1 What do you mean? CLAUSIUS 2 Someone, one person, one teacher, doesn't get one. CLAUSIUS 1 They rotate. CLAUSIUS 2 They rotate? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes, we are all students and teachers at various times in our lives. CLAUSIUS 2 Excellent! There's several aging teachers in for a good paddling then--let me tell you! CLAUSIUS 1 It's not like that. CLAUSIUS 2 It's not? CLAUSIUS 1 No. CLAUSIUS 2 Then I won't get to humiliate Mrs. Spittle-haufer by catching her masturbating under the desk and making her do it in front of the class to teach her a lesson? CLAUSIUS 1 (Aghast) Did that happen to you? CLAUSIUS 2 What Me? Why do you ask? CLAUSIUS 1 Never mind--no humiliating anybody. That's not teaching anyway. CLAUSIUS 2 It's not? What's teaching then? CLAUSIUS 1 Opening another's mind--enabling thoughts, ideas, concepts to occur to a person previously incapable of realizing them. CLAUSIUS 2 (Imitating him) And if the concepts, thoughts, ideas, don't stick, then humiliations?, beatings?, whippings? CLAUSIUS 1 No! Cut it out. No one ever beat you. CLAUSIUS 2 How do I know? Maybe I was beaten so badly that I don't even remember being beaten at all? Maybe the part of my brain that is especially for remembering beatings was killed, or sufficiently intimidated, so it won't tell me. It's entirely possible as far as I am concerned. I've read about this very same sort of thing you know. CLAUSIUS 1 Who was Mrs. Spittle-haufer anyway? I don't remember her. CLAUSIUS 2 See what I mean?...Repression. The unconscious unwillingness to acknowledge a painful fact or memory. CLAUSIUS 1 No, you made her up. CLAUSIUS 2 Okay. Do you remember our childhood? CLAUSIUS 1 Of course--what kind of question is that? CLAUSIUS 2 Okay, if you remember our childhood--what happened? CLAUSIUS 1 Umm...well...that's a stupid question anyway. Lot's of things happened. CLAUSIUS 2 Name one. CLAUSIUS 1 Well...we were born for one thing. CLAUSIUS 2 A precarious assumption. We've been fooled before you know. Try again. CLAUSIUS 1 Ah...well...you were humiliated by Mrs.... Spittle-head. CLAUSIUS 2 (Screams) It's Spittle-haufer! (Pause) Just as I suspected. CLAUSIUS 1 I'm just tired, that's all. You exhaust me. CLAUSIUS 2 What the hell is the point of having an experience if you don't remember it?! CLAUSIUS 1 Granted it's not the best situation, but remember Clausius, what we did in our past, and what we do today, makes us what we will be tomorrow, even if we forget what it was we did. CLAUSIUS 2 Then I choose to do nothing today. CLAUSIUS 1 Then you will be nothing tomorrow. CLAUSIUS 2 Well, then at least the stuff that never happened...that I can't remember happening, never happened in the first place, (he becomes confused) because I won't remember...that it never happened anyway! CLAUSIUS 1 I don't need to remember every little thing that happens to me in this life; I only need to gain insight into the nature of things. CLAUSIUS 2 What do you mean this life? Have you lived another? CLAUSIUS 1 It is possible that I have lived thousands. CLAUSIUS 2 As what? CLAUSIUS 1 I don't remember. CLAUSIUS 2 I guess you weren't an elephant than, (chuckles to self) Did I have other lives? CLAUSIUS 1 I certainly hope not. CLAUSIUS 2 I'll bet I was a cat...or a god... CLAUSIUS 1 Stuff it would you? You don't understand, each life gives you a chance to work toward a better life the next time; you are supposed to improve, not regress. CLAUSIUS 2 (Suspicious) Just what exactly are you saying? CLAUSIUS 1 Think about it. CLAUSIUS 2 I thought you would never ask.(Clausius 2 sits up and both men begin thinking heavily. An idea seems to come to Clausius 2's mind and he grows silently excited about it. He says quietly but significantly) Oh! Uh huh. Yep. Eleven. CLAUSIUS 1 What? CLAUSIUS 2 ELEVEN!!! CLAUSIUS 1 Eleven? CLAUSIUS 2 E-LEVEN!!! CLAUSIUS 1 Let me guess, that's the answer to every question in life and all the mysteries of the universe? CLAUSIUS 2 Oh, dog no. I said eleven not forty-two silly...Yes, ELEVEN! CLAUSIUS 1 What the hell's it supposed to mean? CLAUSIUS 2 Have your own thoughts pirate! CLAUSIUS 1 Shut up! CLAUSIUS 2 Oh, jealous just a tib? CLAUSIUS 1 A bit! CLAUSIUS 2 I thought so. CLAUSIUS 1 Forget it! Let's just sit a while longer. PAUSE AS THE TWO MEN LOOK AROUND AND CONTEMPLATE SOMETHING. CLAUSIUS 2 PRODUCES THREE BRIGHTLY COLORED RUBBER BALLS. HE HOLDS THEM AS IF HE IS ABOUT TO JUGGLE THEM. CLAUSIUS 2 What are we going to do now? CLAUSIUS 1 (Getting to his feet and dusting himself off) Well, I am personally going to achieve spiritual salvation by standing in an uncomfortable, yet unmistakably religious posture, and holding it for an inordinate number of hours. CLAUSIUS 2 (Withdrawn, as if he's seen it all before, He sighs) You'll get tired. CLAUSIUS 1 You get tired after you exercise your body, but it gets stronger from it. CLAUSIUS 2 Rigorous bodily discipline, it does the bodhi good! CLAUSIUS 1 Hey, the Buddha went through all sorts of difficult training on his way to enlightenment. CLAUSIUS 2 Yea, but I guarantee the only light he was thinking about was the one inside of his refrigerator. CLAUSIUS 1 The Buddha did not have a refrigerator you maroon. CLAUSIUS 2 Good, then the food he wasn't eating was rotten anyway. CLAUSIUS 1 If you are finished, I'd like to begin. CLAUSIUS 1 STRIKES A SOMEWHAT UNCOMFORTABLE AND RIGID POSE FACING THE AUDIENCE. CLAUSIUS 2 You'll starve. CLAUSIUS 1 I'll thrive!!! ...Through discipline. CLAUSIUS 2 You'll faint. CLAUSIUS 1 I'll ascend!!! CLAUSIUS 2 Fine, Okay. (He leans back against the tree extending his legs forward) When you're done ascending, could you lower me a rope? LONG PAUSE AS CLAUSIUS 1 HOLDS IN HIS ANGER. CLAUSIUS 2 LOOKS BORED. SLOWLY, CLAUSIUS 1 CALMS DOWN. HE HOLDS POSTURE. CLAUSIUS 1 Keep me company. CLAUSIUS 2 What else would I do? CLAUSIUS 1 For one thing, you could leave me standing here. CLAUSIUS 2 No I couldn't. CLAUSIUS 1 True, you do lack direction. CLAUSIUS 2 We're linked. CLAUSIUS 1 We are the same. CLAUSIUS 2 Stuck. CLAUSIUS 1 Bonded. BOTH (To each other) Twins! CLAUSIUS 2 Identical no less. CLAUSIUS 1 No less at all actually. CLAUSIUS 2 Two identical twins with the same name. CLAUSIUS 1 Curious. CLAUSIUS 2 Interesting. CLAUSIUS 1 But not unprecedented. CLAUSIUS 2 I did leave you once. CLAUSIUS 1 That doesn't count. CLAUSIUS 2 One sperm, (proudly points at self) Me! CLAUSIUS 1 (Annoyed) Me! MOMENTARY PAUSE BOTH (To each other) Us! CLAUSIUS 2 One egg. BOTH (To each other) Us. CLAUSIUS 2 A temporary agreement. CLAUSIUS 1 So what? CLAUSIUS 2 Maybe I got sick of you and split. CLAUSIUS 1 You didn't go far. CLAUSIUS 2 (Dejectedly) True. ANOTHER PAUSE AS THE MEN REFLECT ON THEIR CONVERSATION. CLAUSIUS 2 GETS UP AND WALKS AROUND BEHIND CLAUSIUS 1 AND STARTS TO JUGGLE. HE THROWS ONE OF THE BALLS UP VERY HIGH AND IT DOES NOT RETURN. HE IS VERY CONFUSED. CLAUSIUS 1 IS CONCENTRATING TO HIMSELF. CLAUSIUS 2 CONTINUES TO WALK AROUND, NOW CONTENT WITH TWO BALLS. HE APPROACHES CLAUSIUS 1. CLAUSIUS 1 Do you think suicide would keep you out of heaven? CLAUSIUS 2 You mean like a bouncer? CLAUSIUS 1 Idiot. I mean, is it a big enough sin to keep you from being allowed into heaven? CLAUSIUS 2 Who says it's a sin? CLAUSIUS 1 Everyone. CLAUSIUS 2 When? CLAUSIUS 1 Always. CLAUSIUS 2 Why? CLAUSIUS 1 It's the law. CLAUSIUS 2 It is illegal to kill yourself? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes, categorically forbidden. CLAUSIUS 2 And how do they punish you? CLAUSIUS 1 They don't. (Thinks) They punish your family. CLAUSIUS 2 Is that right? CLAUSIUS 1 I don't know if it's right. CLAUSIUS 2 Is that what occurs??? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes. THEY THINK FOR A MOMENT CLAUSIUS 2 Well, what if you do it, not because you've had enough of this world, you're just over-anxious for the next? CLAUSIUS 1 No good. You have to wait your turn. CLAUSIUS 2 Some people are instinctually go-getters. They can't help themselves. CLAUSIUS 1 You have to follow the rules. CLAUSIUS 2 Age gracefully? CLAUSIUS 1 Cross one bridge at a time. CLAUSIUS 2 Take it as it comes. CLAUSIUS 1 (Nervous now) Ah...Good things come to those who wait. CLAUSIUS 2 Um, er, oh, boy. Ah, the early bird gets the worm! No! I mean, um, oy. CLAUSIUS 1 No speeding; it's nature's way. THEY CONSIDER THIS A MOMENT. CLAUSIUS 2 Then why do we work so hard to slow it down? CLAUSIUS 1 Well... it is tough to make a good impression these days. CLAUSIUS 2 Too true. CLAUSIUS 1 Not looking one's best is flirting with doom. CLAUSIUS 2 If you don't look good you probably couldn't even flirt with doom. CLAUSIUS 1 Too true. CLAUSIUS 2 What if one of us died? CLAUSIUS 1 It won't happen. CLAUSIUS 2 It will if I kill myself. CLAUSIUS 1 I won't let you. CLAUSIUS 2 It will if I kill you. CLAUSIUS 1 I won't let you. (Thinks a second) How would you do it anyway? CLAUSIUS 2 (He begins tossing the two remaining balls around) Do what?. CLAUSIUS 1 Kill yourself. CLAUSIUS 2 (Ignoring him) What? CLAUSIUS 1 I said kill yourself!! CLAUSIUS 2 (Startled into dropping the balls) Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you? CLAUSIUS 1 I'm trying to find out how you would kill yourself if you did! CLAUSIUS 2 Oh, I wouldn't. CLAUSIUS 1 You just said... CLAUSIUS 2 I don't care, I wouldn't do it. CLAUSIUS 1 If you had to. CLAUSIUS 2 I don't have to. CLAUSIUS 1 If I put a gun to your head and told you that you had to kill yourself, How would you do it !? CLAUSIUS 2 Are you doing it too? CLAUSIUS 1 Fine, yes. I am doing it too. CLAUSIUS 2 Which one of us goes first? CLAUSIUS 1 What's the difference?!? CLAUSIUS 2 I want to know. CLAUSIUS 1 (Exasperated) Who do you want to kill themselves first? CLAUSIUS 2 Well, I'm not sure. I think we should do it together. CLAUSIUS 1 Fine. We're killing ourselves together! How would we do it?!! CLAUSIUS 2 We'd annoy each other to death. CLAUSIUS 1 I AM TRYING TO BE SERIOUS! CLAUSIUS 1 TAKES GREAT EFFORT BUT CALMS HIMSELF DOWN. CLAUSIUS 2 TURNS HIS BACK TO HIS BROTHER. CLAUSIUS 2 Oh, it is a horrible thing all right...death. CLAUSIUS 1 What could be worse? CLAUSIUS 2 Brutal. CLAUSIUS 1 Excruciating. If you are going to do yourself in, you might as well make it as horrible as possible. CLAUSIUS 2 It is a horrible thing... BOTH Death. CLAUSIUS 1 (Trying for a more cheerful subject) Why did mother give us the same name anyway? CLAUSIUS 2 Maybe she had a stutter. CLAUSIUS 1 A mistake? CLAUSIUS 2 A cosmic accident. CLAUSIUS 1 An auditory glitch in time. CLAUSIUS 2 Wouldn't we know if our own mother had a stutter? CLAUSIUS 1 One would think so, yes. Strange... CLAUSIUS 2 Indeed. CLAUSIUS 1 There seems to be some impediment in our memories. CLAUSIUS 2 Or some embellishment in our fantasies. CLAUSIUS 1 No, we had a mother...Obviously we had a mother. CLAUSIUS 2 What was her name? CLAUSIUS 1 (Starting to get uncomfortable, he begins to squeeze his fists, rotates his shoulders, and to roll his neck) Forget it. CLAUSIUS 2 IS OVERCOME WITH CURIOSITY, HE RETURNS TO PREVIOUS SPOT AND THROWS UP THE LAST TWO BALLS, CLAUSIUS 1 DOES NOT SEE. CLAUSIUS 2 Astounding! Unbelievable! CLAUSIUS 1 What? CLAUSIUS 2 Come here. Look at this! (He points up) CLAUSIUS 1 (Turns head to see) I can't. Look at what? CLAUSIUS 2 Well, I...(looks at hands, then up) Well... oh, never mind. (He looks up high and then down at Clausius' feet) Your feet are still on the ground by the by. CLAUSIUS 1 It hasn't been an inordinate number of hours yet. CLAUSIUS 2 (Consulting his bare wrist) Close I think. CLAUSIUS 1 Do you? CLAUSIUS 2 I think so. CLAUSIUS 1 Do you? CLAUSIUS 2 I think so. CLAUSIUS 1 Do you? CLAUSIUS 2 I think so! CLAUSIUS 1 Fine. (He sits down with a heavy sigh) The enlightening of the soul is no easy work. CLAUSIUS 2 Apparently not. What's it like? CLAUSIUS 1 I'm not sure I can describe it. CLAUSIUS 2 I'll bet you're sworn to secrecy, right? I'll bet you'd have to kill me if you told me. CLAUSIUS 1 It may happen anyway. CLAUSIUS 2 (Sitting down beside Clausius 1) I once read that a wise man said the way you interpret any situation depends on the way you look at it. CLAUSIUS 1 That was no wise man. CLAUSIUS 2 Who was it then? CLAUSIUS 1 A con artist. CLAUSIUS 2 You say tomato. CLAUSIUS 1 No I don't. CLAUSIUS 2 Well, one of us does! CLAUSIUS 1 GETS UP AND WALKS AWAY, ANNOYED. CLAUSIUS 1 You know, this place is quite stunning! I think I could stay here forever. CLAUSIUS 2 You couldn't do anything forever. CLAUSIUS 1 Not in this world, no. CLAUSIUS 2 Heaven? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes, heaven. CLAUSIUS 2 Hell? CLAUSIUS 1 Unfortunately yes, hell. But this place is heavenly. CLAUSIUS 2 To you. CLAUSIUS 1 Yes, this place is heavenly to me. CLAUSIUS 2 It could very well be hell to another nam. CLAUSIUS 1 Another MAN? CLAUSIUS 2 Exactly. CLAUSIUS 1 What do you mean? CLAUSIUS 2 Look, let's assume there is a hell. CLAUSIUS 1 Okay. CLAUSIUS 2 Good. Now this hell is more than likely run by very smart, very nasty people, whose sole purpose and desire in life, as it were, is to make your life, or death, as it would be, an utter living, or in this case, dying, HELL. They exist, so to speak, only to serve you ill. CLAUSIUS 1 What the hell are you talking about? CLAUSIUS 2 Wrong! It's which the hell and am I talking about! Hell could not possibly be the same for everybody; some loser would be bound to like it. CLAUSIUS 1 There's one in every crowd eh? CLAUSIUS 2 I know exactly what you mean. (He thinks a moment, then gets excited over his new revelation) So, if you play out all of the potentialities, it is quite conceivable that the very same room you check into in heaven, some poor dope is checking into in hell. CLAUSIUS 1 A stunning revelation. Heaven and Hell are motels. CLAUSIUS 2 (Ignoring him) So let's consider your particular case. Your heavenly suite, decorated with surreal paintings, and filled with gorgeous naked women with three breasts, who sit around feeding you popcorn balls and massaging you all day, might be nothing but pure unadulterated, unmitigated, UNBEARABLE HELL TO SOMEONE ELSE!!!!! A fairly likely event, in my opinion. CLAUSIUS 1 (Completely shocked, but calmly at first) How did you know that? CLAUSIUS 2 (Ignoring him, lost in his thoughts) I wonder what the devil really looks like anyway. He's probably the old white man with the long white beard. That'd be a kicker, eh? CLAUSIUS 1 (Furious) How the hell did you know that!? CLAUSIUS 2 Pardon me? Don't you mean which the hell did you know that? CLAUSIUS 1 (Struggling to remain calm) How the he...Which the he... God damn it! How did you know my fantasy? CLAUSIUS 2 What fantasy? I made that up. Now you made me lose my train of thought. Which the hell was I talking about? CLAUSIUS 1 (Undone, he mumbles) Likely events. CLAUSIUS 2 Oh yes, the devil... I'll bet the devil's a woman. CLAUSIUS 1 What? CLAUSIUS 2 No, I'll take that back, if I may. The devil is a man. Yes, definitely a man. No doubt in my mind. THEY BOTH STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT. CLAUSIUS 1 COMES TO FRONT OF STAGE AND LAYS DOWN IN EXHAUSTION. CLAUSIUS 1 Clausius? CLAUSIUS 2 Yes Clausius? CLAUSIUS 1 I believe it is time. FOG BEGINS TO FILL THE STAGE. CLAUSIUS 2 JOINS HIS BROTHER. CLAUSIUS 2 Time is a mystery to all of us. CLAUSIUS 1 It is time to move on. CLAUSIUS 2 If I could put time in a bottle...(He rolls over and regards the audience with a perplexed look, as if wondering where he has heard this phrase before) If I could put time in a bottle...I would put it on my shelf next to the bottle with the ship in it...Two implausibilities on one shelf, I could open a museum. What do you think Clausius? CLAUSIUS 1 I think you are going to drive me insane. Why must you... CLAUSIUS 2 Hey, did you say it was time to go? CLAUSIUS 1 Indeed. CLAUSIUS 2 Well then, which the hell is holding us up? CLAUSIUS 1 If I only I knew. THEY BROTHERS BOTH LOOK UP TO THE SKY TOGETHER. THE FOG OVERTAKES THEM. BLACKOUT. SCENE II AN ABSTRACT FACSIMILE OF THE WAILING WALL IN JERUSALEM. THE TWO BROTHERS ARE DRESSED IN SOME WAY SUGGESTING ORTHODOX JEWS, AGAIN WITH NO SHOES ON. THEY ACT AS IF NO TIME HAS ELAPSED. CLAUSIUS 2 So, we are near the ancient temple, eh? CLAUSIUS 1 (Pointing at the Wall) This is all that is left. CLAUSIUS 2 And perhaps all that is right. CLAUSIUS 1 Well spoken, you do have potential you know. CLAUSIUS 2 Dog save me. CLAUSIUS 1 God save you. CLAUSIUS 2 Yeah. CLAUSIUS 1 (Closely inspecting the wall) Did you know you can write a prayer on a piece of paper, slip it into the crevices in the wall, and it might be answered? CLAUSIUS 2 Might? CLAUSIUS 1 Maybe. CLAUSIUS 2 Maybe what? CLAUSIUS 1 Maybe it might be answered, maybe it definitely will be answered, and perhaps it won't even be considered. CLAUSIUS 2 How complicated. CLAUSIUS 1 Not really. THE TWO MEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT THEN GO AND TAKE A SEAT ON TWO ROCKS. CLAUSIUS 1'S SEAT IS A BIT FURTHER UP STAGE. CLAUSIUS 2 (After a contemplative pause) I've written a contract to put in the wall. CLAUSIUS 1 A contract? CLAUSIUS 2 Yes, a legal and binding writ. CLAUSIUS 1 Let's hear it. CLAUSIUS 2 (Producing an ancient and official looking scroll from the inside of his shirt, he stands up, and it unrolls to the ground. He clears his throat and begins) I, Dog... CLAUSIUS 1 You mean God. CLAUSIUS 2 ...Do hereby agree to the following terms... (He clears his throat again) CLAUSIUS 1 Oh no. (He drops his head into his hands) CLAUSIUS 2 ...I solemnly swear to remove myself from existence, skirting the somewhat large assumption that I do actually exist, in exchange for a peaceful existence of secular do-goodism to be heartily experienced by all people for ever more...Signed, Humanity, with an empty space for Dog to sign. CLAUSIUS 1 You signed for all of humanity? CLAUSIUS 2 Well, I thought it would have more punch that way. CLAUSIUS 1 He'll never go for it. CLAUSIUS 2 Most likely not, no. CLAUSIUS 1 Then why waste your time? CLAUSIUS 2 We all must make our statements in this life. (He re-rolls the contract, and sits down again) CLAUSIUS 1 True. It is a short life. CLAUSIUS 2 You can say that again. CLAUSIUS 1 It is a short life. CLAUSIUS 2 You can say that again. CLAUSIUS 1 (Angry) Some may be shorter than others. CLAUSIUS 2 You can say tha...(He catches on, they exchange nasty looks) LONG PAUSE AS THEY ARE LOST IN THOUGHT. CLAUSIUS 1 I don't even think God would bother refusing that silly contract. CLAUSIUS 2 Why not? It's professional courtesy. CLAUSIUS 1 He doesn't talk much to people anymore. CLAUSIUS 2 Don't you find that a tib fishy? CLAUSIUS 1 A BIT Fishy? CLAUSIUS 2 I do too. CLAUSIUS 1 What do you mean fishy? CLAUSIUS 2 Well, I find it a tib odd that the whole thing just stopped. CLAUSIUS 1 What just stopped? CLAUSIUS 2 The bibles, the stories, the prophets. CLAUSIUS 1 So? CLAUSIUS 2 Why? How can that be? Where are the miracles today? Why isn't he talking to prophets now? CLAUSIUS 1 No one deserves to be spoken to today. CLAUSIUS 2 Who are you to say the world's not worthy anymore? That's God's shit! CLAUSIUS 1 Dog shit. CLAUSIUS 2 Exactly! (He is confused, but recovers) And I suppose the world was more deserving in those days? CLAUSIUS 1 You don't believe miracles happen today? CLAUSIUS 2 Show me one. CLAUSIUS 1 How about a rose? CLAUSIUS 2 A rose is a rose, some people are allergic to roses. CLAUSIUS 1 How about children? CLAUSIUS 2 Yes, I suppose some children are also allergic to roses. CLAUSIUS 1 I mean the miracle of raising a child. CLAUSIUS 2 I doubt our Mother ever spoke in such terms about us. Besides, I'm not talking about everyday miracles. I want to see some miraculous miracles! Oceans parting, shrubbery speaking--that sort of thing. CLAUSIUS 1 You are incorrigible. CLAUSIUS 2 You are intangible. (Pause) What terms did mother speak about us in? CLAUSIUS 1 I don't know...Her terms obviously. CLAUSIUS 2 Oh, right, her terms. That brings it all back for me. Thanks. CLAUSIUS 1 Anyway, maybe God is speaking to some people, but we just won't listen to them anymore. CLAUSIUS 2 They were apparently more convincing in the past. CLAUSIUS 1 Such skepticism. CLAUSIUS 2 Dog appreciates doubters. CLAUSIUS 1 He appreciates them? CLAUSIUS 2 Yes. He doesn't need a bunch of blind followers, taking every word literally, as if their lives depended on following every single instruction. Life not as simple as a game of fetch for some stupid God you know. CLAUSIUS 1 But there must be rules. CLAUSIUS 2 Too many duties and one forgets the mission, or... enough duties and one forgets there never was a mission. CLAUSIUS 1 Perhaps that's the point. CLAUSIUS 2 Dog, I hope not. CLAUSIUS 1 God, I hope not too. THEY THINK FOR A FEW MOMENTS. CLAUSIUS 1 I'll bet you talk to God sometimes. CLAUSIUS 2 Nope. CLAUSIUS 1 Never? CLAUSIUS 2 Well... CLAUSIUS 1 You must, sometimes... CLAUSIUS 2 When I've lost something very important. CLAUSIUS 1 That doesn't count, when else? CLAUSIUS 2 (Thinks) When a woman kisses down to my bellybutton and hesitates. And... CLAUSIUS 1 That definitely doesn't count!! CLAUSIUS 2 Well, that's about it. CLAUSIUS 1 How about now? CLAUSIUS 2 (Thinks) No, that's still about it. CLAUSIUS 1 I mean, talk to him now. CLAUSIUS 2 Here? CLAUSIUS 1 Here. CLAUSIUS 2 Now? CLAUSIUS 1 Now. CLAUSIUS 2 He's not listening. CLAUSIUS 1 I'm listening! Go ahead. CLAUSIUS 2 (Looks around gingerly, then looks up around the sky, he steps foreword) Hello? CLAUSIUS 1 (Looking up as well) Go on. CLAUSIUS 2 This is asinine...Hello? Dog? CLAUSIUS 1 GOD. CLAUSIUS 2 Hey! I've got a bad case of the doubts down here... CLAUSIUS 1 Sounds awful. CLAUSIUS 2 Do you have a good ointment? CLAUSIUS 1 Keep going! CLAUSIUS 2 Okay...ah, right, So how about a sign? Anything, a booming voice, a flaming fern? FEROCIOUS BARKING SCARES THEM SILLY FOR A FEW MOMENTS. CLAUSIUS 2 My...my, my...my sign! That was Dog! CLAUSIUS 1 That was not God, it was a dog. CLAUSIUS 2 It was Dog! CLAUSIUS 1 It was not God, it was a dog!! CLAUSIUS 2 Dog! CLAUSIUS 1 It was a dog! THIS TURNS INTO A CONFUSED, SCREAMING FIGHT OF "GOD! DOG? GOD!," ETC. THEY FINALLY BREAK APART. BOTH Fine! Good! (Pause) What are we going to do now!!? THE BROTHERS STARE AT EACH OTHER IN TERROR. THEY SEEM TO BE AT A CRISIS AS NEITHER CAN SUGGEST ANYTHING TO DO. FINALLY, CLAUSIUS 1 RELAXES AND SPEAKS. CLAUSIUS 1 Well, personally, (he produces a small worn book form his clothing) I am going to rock back and forth passionately until I receive my calling form the lord. (He opens book from right to left) CLAUSIUS 2 Calling? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes. CLAUSIUS 2 Does he have your number? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes, I think he does. CLAUSIUS 2 I think my number is unlisted. Do you think that's a problem? CLAUSIUS 1 The very least of yours, now quiet! CLAUSIUS 2 (After calming down). Do you remember the guy who jumped out of his second story window because he couldn't find the door? CLAUSIUS 1 That never happened; you made that up. CLAUSIUS 2 That hardly precludes the possibility of it having happened. Do you remember what happened to people you used to know? CLAUSIUS 1 Of course!...But I don't gossip about them. CLAUSIUS 2 See what I mean?, repression, plain and simple. CLAUSIUS 1 Would you laugh if something awful like that happened to me? CLAUSIUS 2 Probably not. CLAUSIUS 1 Oh? Why not? CLAUSIUS 2 You have no sense of humor. CLAUSIUS 1 That is not true. CLAUSIUS 2 It may be the only thing around here that I can be absolutely sure of. CLAUSIUS 1 That's not true! CLAUSIUS 2 Okay, what was the last thing you laughed at? CLAUSIUS 1 ...I heard a joke the other day. CLAUSIUS 2 Let's hear it. CLAUSIUS 1 I... I can't remember it. Darn! I heard a whole slew of jokes. Wait... Darn! I can't remember a single one! CLAUSIUS 2 (Smiling) Jokes are funny that way. CLAUSIUS 1 No matter how funny some jokes are, there is just no guarantee that you'll remember even one at the next joke telling opportunity. CLAUSIUS 2 Uh huh. CLAUSIUS 1 Darn it! CLAUSIUS 2 Do you remember the guy who fell off his roof trying to fly? Now that was funny. CLAUSIUS 1 My god! I dreamt t you did that last night CLAUSIUS 2 We weren't anywhere near a roof last night. CLAUSIUS 1 No, Last night I dreamt that you jumped off the roof trying to fly! CLAUSIUS 2 Really?... I suppose I did too. Only it seemed so real. Maybe it really happened once anyway. CLAUSIUS 1 I dreamt that Mother thought you were dead! You were very fortunate to fall through Spot's house. I loved that dog, I think. CLAUSIUS 2 Spot wasn't pleased either; I crushed him. CLAUSIUS 1 He saved your life you know. CLAUSIUS 2 Poor little god. CLAUSIUS 1 We found you and Spot all tangled up. He was dead and you were asleep! Two broken legs and you were asleep! CLAUSIUS 2 What's so hard to believe. My life probably flashed before my eyes. CLAUSIUS 1 Your life flashed before your eyes? What would that have to do with anything? CLAUSIUS 2 I'm sure I fell asleep in the middle. CLAUSIUS 1 You are repulsive. CLAUSIUS 2 You are redundant. CLAUSIUS 1 Redundant? CLAUSIUS 2 Yes, redundant...and repetitive for that matter. CLAUSIUS 1 I have had about as much of this conversation as I can stand. Now stand back while I pray. CLAUSIUS 1 STANDS UP AND FACES THE WALL. HE BEGINS ROCKING BACK AND FORTH. CLAUSIUS 2 Do you think events repeat themselves? CLAUSIUS 1 Obviously! Now don't start up with me again! CLAUSIUS 2 I mean, what if everything we do, we've done before. What if we think we're doing stuff we've done before but we're really doing (becoming confused) other stuff that we've done before but it's stuff we forgot... (Clausius 2 flashes an angry look and Clausius 2 immediately changes the subject) Hey, I've noticed there's not many gods in this country. CLAUSIUS 1 What? CLAUSIUS 2 ...So many cats though. They're are everywhere here. It's like a plague of cats, but no gods. It's sad. I wonder why so many cats and so few gods. CLAUSIUS 1 What in the world are you blathering about? CLAUSIUS 2 Gods and cats. CLAUSIUS 1 Maybe your dogs and cats know the secret of life! CLAUSIUS 2 I am convinced that they do. Cats anyway. What did you say you were doing? CLAUSIUS 1 Listen, do us both a favor and go talk with your animals! CLAUSIUS 2 I can't. CLAUSIUS 1 Why not? CLAUSIUS 2 They're sworn to secrecy. CLAUSIUS 1 Fine. You know, sometimes I wonder how we could ever have shared amniotic fluid. CLAUSIUS 2 You can't woo me with romantic talk. SHAKING HIS HEAD AT FIRST, CLAUSIUS 1 BEGINS TO PRAY AGAIN, THIS TIME WITH HIS BACK TO THE WALL. HE FACE REGAINS ITS SERIOUSNESS. CLAUSIUS 2 Aren't you supposed to face the wall? CLAUSIUS 1 Are you going to talk to me about perspective? CLAUSIUS 2 Certainly not. I wouldn't dream of it. CLAUSIUS 1 No, but you'd do it. So pipe down. CLAUSIUS 1 RESUMES. CLAUSIUS 2 BEGINS IMITATE HIS BROTHER AND THEN EXAGGERATE AND MOCK HIS MOTIONS. HE BECOMES BOARD AND BEGINS TO WANDER. CLAUSIUS 2 FINALLY GIVES UP. CLAUSIUS 1 (He looks elated momentarily, but then puts his book away and comes up stage to sit dejectedly) I feel blind, completely and totally blind. CLAUSIUS 2 (Playing with the balls on the floor) I know what you mean. I'd hate to be blind. Hey, would you rather be blind or deaf? CLAUSIUS 1 I shouldn't like to be either. But I guess I'd rather be deaf because... CLAUSIUS 2 And what would you do with a million dollars? CLAUSIUS 1 Oh, shut up! CLAUSIUS 2 All right, all right. kill a guy for trying to make conversation. THE SOUND OF A DOG BARKING. THEY BOTH LOOK CURIOUSLY OUT INTO THE AUDIENCE TO SPOT THE DOG. FOG CLOUDS THE SET BEHIND THEM AND THEY ARE IN A SPOTLIGHT. CLAUSIUS 2 The world's not always such a beautiful place is it? CLAUSIUS 1 Not today it isn't. CLAUSIUS 2 It's like watching a show, isn't it? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes, you could look at it like that. CLAUSIUS 2 Sometimes I fell as if I'm being watched. CLAUSIUS 1 You're paranoid. CLAUSIUS 2 No really, sometimes I get the distinct impression that my every move is being scrutinized by... CLAUSIUS 1 Some higher supreme all-knowing authority? CLAUSIUS 2 No, something a bit lower class. CLAUSIUS 1 Oh shut up already. (They both snap out of this phase) Can't you see we're going nowhere! CLAUSIUS 2 All right then, let me take a shot at this. So, let's see, well... we were young then...so...well, then we had parents! Two parents! A mother and a father. CLAUSIUS 1 And a dog. CLAUSIUS 2 Certainly, and a God. A mother, a father, and a God. But then what happened? Damn! I thought I was getting somewhere. CLAUSIUS 1 THEN, we didn't have a mother and father and a dog. CLAUSIUS 2 Yes, that's it! Yes, then perhaps we only had a mother. No Spot, thanks to me I guess...and no father... BOTH What happened? CLAUSIUS 1 I don't remember. He disappeared. CLAUSIUS 2 Did he? CLAUSIUS 1 Forever. We still had a mother though. CLAUSIUS 2 Did we? CLAUSIUS 1 We must have, but then we were gone. CLAUSIUS 2 Where? When? CLAUSIUS 1 I don't remember! BOTH Something must have happened! CLAUSIUS 2 (Composing himself) Well, where are we now? CLAUSIUS 1 Where are we going? FOG OBSCURES THEM COMPLETELY. BLACKOUT. SCENE III THE BROTHERS ARE DRESSED IN MUSLIM GARMENTS, AGAIN WITH NO SHOES. THEY ARRIVE AT CENTER STAGE AND STOP TO STARE AT AN ABSTRACT REPRESENTATION OF THE DOME OF THE ROCK. THE PROMINENT PROPS ARE TWO STONE BENCHES IN FRONT OF A SMALL STONE WALL. CLAUSIUS 1 ...I mean, don't you find it a tib odd that we haven't traveled far, but we're in a different world here? CLAUSIUS 2 Hardly unusual. What are we doing here? CLAUSIUS 1 I wish I knew. I wish I knew what direction we're headed in. CLAUSIUS 2 You hope. CLAUSIUS 1 I consider. CLAUSIUS 2 Your faith? CLAUSIUS 1 My determinations. CLAUSIUS 2 You stall. CLAUSIUS 1 You retard. [As in to delay] CLAUSIUS 2 There's no need to be nasty. PAUSE AS THEY LOOK AROUND, CLAUSIUS 1 STANDS UP AND LOOKS OUT AT THE DOME. CLAUSIUS 2 Are you planning on purifying yourself? CLAUSIUS 1 One must purify one's self in this world in order to be worthy of the next. CLAUSIUS 2 I do drink a lot of mineral water. CLAUSIUS 1 How ever much it is, I'm sure it's not enough. CLAUSIUS 2 Just how pure do you have to be? CLAUSIUS 1 One hundred percent. CLAUSIUS 2 Ninety-nine and forty-four one-hundredths isn't good enough? CLAUSIUS 1 Purification, not cleanliness you moron. CLAUSIUS 2 Oh. You know, I once read that cleanliness was next to dogliness. Is that so? CLAUSIUS 1 How would I know if you read that? CLAUSIUS 2 Yes, pardon me. Is it true that cleanliness is next to dogliness? CLAUSIUS 1 Indeed it is. CLAUSIUS 2 You better start scrubbing. CLAUSIUS 1 What?! You...I just...you. You just stand back. (He climbs up on a bench and assumes a divine posture) CLAUSIUS 2 What are you doing? CLAUSIUS 1 I am preparing to test the limits of my faith by standing at this great height and awaiting the word of God. CLAUSIUS 2 You really think life is a test? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes, this life is just a step to the next. If you are good in this life, when judgment day comes... CLAUSIUS 2 (He takes a seat under Clausius 1 and in a normal voice) Judgment day? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes, when you die you will receive your record in one hand or the other... CLAUSIUS 2 Record! I've never recorded a thing! CLAUSIUS 1 The record of your deeds you idiot! CLAUSIUS 2 I've never purchased any real estate either. CLAUSIUS 1 Your actions! A record of all of your actions! CLAUSIUS 2 Oh. CLAUSIUS 1 If the record is placed in your left hand, you go to hell. If it is placed in your right hand, you go to heaven. CLAUSIUS 2 Heaven again. CLAUSIUS 1 Yes. I was told that heaven is a garden with flowing streams, luscious fruits, richly covered couches, and beautiful maidens. CLAUSIUS 2 A man's world, a man's after-world. I guess it is to be expected. CLAUSIUS 1 What? CLAUSIUS 2 A man wrote that description of heaven. CLAUSIUS 1 Why do you say that? CLAUSIUS 2 Luscious fruits, beautiful maidens, richly covered couches! Did they mention a remote control? CLAUSIUS 1 You ought to be careful what you say. Your judgment day might be closer than you imagine. CLAUSIUS 2 And I suppose the beautiful maidens clean the garden, I bet they grow all the vegies, fry them up in a pan, and never, never let you forget you're a na... CLAUSIUS 1 Shut up will you?! I think something is seriously wrong with you. CLAUSIUS 2 (Jumps up ) So, up there, they have a record of all of my deeds? CLAUSIUS 1 Every single one. CLAUSIUS 2 What if the record was supposed to be put in your right hand, but you aren't right handed, and you unconsciously reach for it with your left hand? (He demonstrates how such a thing could happen. Then he acts out the painful repercussions of receiving the record in his left hand). Ahhh ahhhh, etc. What a world, What a world! CLAUSIUS 1 (Waits this out) Are you done? (Clausius 2 gives one final convulsion) They do not make mistakes in heaven. CLAUSIUS 2 (From his back) So there wouldn't be an appeal--if you didn't agree with the hand selection? CLAUSIUS 1 No! There would be no appeal! CLAUSIUS 2 (Sits up on his elbow) That hardly seems just. CLAUSIUS 1 You have your whole bloody life to be just! It's too late by then! CLAUSIUS 2 Well, does the record have only your deeds, or does it also have your motives? CLAUSIUS 1 What? CLAUSIUS 2 What if you do something that turns out to be an awful deed, but you had good intentions? CLAUSIUS 1 I'm not sure I follow you. CLAUSIUS 2 That's because I follow you. CLAUSIUS 1 True enough. CLAUSIUS 2 Say I lied to you to save you from terrible pain. Which goes on the record, the lying or the saving? CLAUSIUS 1 The saving, it was the end. CLAUSIUS 2 I don't know. Administrators are sticklers you know. I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with the whole idea. CLAUSIUS 1 How could you be comfortable with it? You don't understand anything! Why don't you join me? What could it hurt? CLAUSIUS 2 From the looks of it, I could strain one of several muscle groups. CLAUSIUS 1 Come on, try something serious for once. CLAUSIUS 2 CLIMBS ON A BENCH AND IMITATES HIS BROTHER. CLAUSIUS 2 What does everybody have against left handers anyway? CLAUSIUS 1 That does it! That is it! (He gets up, followed by Clausius 2) You are a heinous and insufferable deterrent to my salvation! CLAUSIUS 2 Just what are you getting at? CLAUSIUS 1 I will never get anywhere with you around! CLAUSIUS 2 I'll leave. CLAUSIUS 1 You can't! CLAUSIUS 2 (Sits down dejectedly) I could, you know. CLAUSIUS 1 (Sits down across from his) I couldn't either. CLAUSIUS 2 We need something to cheer us up. CLAUSIUS 1 Let's just sit here and wait. CLAUSIUS 2 (Sits up) Wait for who, Spot? CLAUSIUS 1 (Sits up) Or anyone. But I'm afraid no one is coming. CLAUSIUS 2 Can no one come? Or, is that impossible? Someone can not come, yes, but no one can't actually come--because they didn't. It's linguistically impossible, I think. CLAUSIUS 1 Maybe you should leave. CLAUSIUS 2 (Gets up) All right, then, I will. CLAUSIUS 1 What will you do? CLAUSIUS 2 I'll buy a god; they are man's best friend you know. CLAUSIUS 1 Unbelievable. (He collapses, lying on his back) CLAUSIUS 2 is bored, he begins to wander around stage. He searches through his pockets for a toy but finds nothing. He shrugs his shoulders and realizes that he'll have to pretend. He begins to juggle invisible balls and then tosses one up very high. a real ball falls into his hands. CLAUSIUS 2 Holy mackerel! CLAUSIUS 1 (Still lying on his back, with eyes closed) Just let me wallow in my emptiness alone, Okay? CLAUSIUS 2 (Repeats the process and gets a second and third ball) You won't believe this! Look! CLAUSIUS 1 What? CLAUSIUS 2 Look at this! Do you believe it? CLAUSIUS 1 Do I believe it? I don't understand why you lug those stupid balls around the world, but I sure do believe it. Now leave me alone. (He lays back down) CLAUSIUS 2 (Still stupefied, looking up and then at the balls several times, then he shrugs this off and puts the balls away in his clothes) Listen, what's the use of tormenting yourself like this? You're not still worried about this heaven thing? CLAUSIUS 1 Of course I'm still worried about it! CLAUSIUS 2 Look, even if heaven is a possibility, who's to say that it's some great reward? CLAUSIUS 1 It's heaven! CLAUSIUS 2 So what, it might not be so great. CLAUSIUS 1 Yes it is great. Everyone loves heaven. It is implicit in the definition to like heaven. CLAUSIUS 2 I was never very good with vocabulary words. CLAUSIUS 1 Heaven is paradise. It...is...heaven. CLAUSIUS 2 For that matter I was never much good at spelling either. CLAUSIUS 1 (Furious, walks over to his brother and they are face to face, Clausius 2 is sitting) If you can spell IDIOT then at least you can spell your name! CLAUSIUS 2 (Stands to meet him) Then I can spell yours too!! CLAUSIUS 1 Are you finished?, because I am feeling in tune now. (He returns to position on the ground) CLAUSIUS 2 In tune huh? I suppose you'd enjoy sitting on a cloud, playing the harp all day for the rest of eternity. I hate the harp. CLAUSIUS 1 That is not heaven. CLAUSIUS 2 How would you know? I've read about that very same sort of thing, pure harmony and all that. Feh! CLAUSIUS 1 Heaven is the embodiment of peacefulness; it is bliss, not an orchestra. CLAUSIUS 2 It very well might be an orchestra. CLAUSIUS 1 You're wrong! In heaven there is not physical reality. There is only happiness and free spirits. CLAUSIUS 2 That's more like it! I knew prohibition wasn't one of the ten commandments. CLAUSIUS 1 Shut up please. I have no idea how you can let yourself say things like that. Don't you have a conscience? CLAUSIUS 2 What good would that do? CLAUSIUS 1 For one thing, it would tell when it's time to shut up. CLAUSIUS 2 Do you think everyone has a conscience? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes. Everyone has a conscience; everyone but you, apparently. CLAUSIUS 2 Some other people are evidently unaware of that fact. CLAUSIUS 1 Eventually it gets everybody. CLAUSIUS 2 Consciously? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes consciously. CLAUSIUS 2 I mean, the reason I ask is, what if a person thinks that they are conscious of their conscience, but that it's just not very strict. CLAUSIUS 1 What? If they don't ever feel any guilt, then their consciences aren't functioning properly. CLAUSIUS 2 What if your conscience is part of your consciousness, but you experience guilt unconsciously? (Thinks) You'd never know you were religious. CLAUSIUS 1 Don't be ridiculous. CLAUSIUS 2 Or worse, what if your conscience was unconscious, but the guilt was conscious? You couldn't attribute the guilt you felt to your conscience, because you were unconscious of it to begin with! Frightful, really. CLAUSIUS 1 You have a unique gift of complicating anything. CLAUSIUS 2 No, I just haven't been cursed with the gift of oversimplification. CLAUSIUS 1 You're trying to provoke me! CLAUSIUS 2 I wouldn't dream of it. CLAUSIUS 1 No, but you'd do it! (Confrontational) And I think it just might be for the very last time! I'm leaving you! CLAUSIUS 2 Fine! CLAUSIUS 1 Fine! CLAUSIUS 2 Fine! CLAUSIUS 1 Fine! THEY STORM OFF IN SEPARATE DIRECTIONS, BUT ONLY AFTER PAUSING A MOMENT TO LOOK BACK. BLACKOUT. SCENE IV ACT IV TAKES PLACE IN A SURREAL CHURCH. THERE IS A PEW CENTER STAGE, FACING THE AUDIENCE SIDEWAYS, A CONFESSIONAL FACING THE SAME WAY, AND AN OPEN BUT EMPTY CASKET IN THE REAR. WHEN THE LIGHTS COME UP, THE BROTHERS ARE KNEELING IN PRAYER AT DISTANT CORNERS OF THE CHURCH. THEY ARE WEARING PRIESTLY ROBES. AFTER SOME TIME, CLAUSIUS 2 What are you doing here? I thought we separated. CLAUSIUS 1 Think again. I'm seeking acceptance into the community of the lord. CLAUSIUS 2 Community of the lord? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes, community. CLAUSIUS 2 Will you leave a forwarding address? CLAUSIUS 1 Most definitely not. CLAUSIUS 2 How do you get in? CLAUSIUS 1 I am seeking to embrace the lord by internalizing both his spiritual and corporeal being. CLAUSIUS 2 A wise man once wrote that the way to a man's soul is through his stomach. CLAUSIUS 1 That was no wise man. CLAUSIUS 2 Who was it then? CLAUSIUS 1 A blasphemer. CLAUSIUS 2 You say tomato... CLAUSIUS 1 No I don't! CLAUSIUS 2 No, you never did. CLAUSIUS 1 You know what your problem is? You believe everything you read. CLAUSIUS 2 I don't believe everything I read. I once read somewhere that it's not safe to do that. CLAUSIUS 1 Right. What's the last thing you read that you didn't believe? CLAUSIUS 2 Just the other day I read the Ten Commandments. CLAUSIUS 1 Don't start with me! You don't know anything about the Ten Commandments. CLAUSIUS 2 I know plenty. CLAUSIUS 1 I doubt it. CLAUSIUS 2 Me too. CLAUSIUS 1 I mean I doubt you know anything about them. CLAUSIUS 2 Try me. CLAUSIUS 1 Okay, what is the first commandment? CLAUSIUS 2 (Thinks) Mankind is a one dog family. CLAUSIUS 1 Good enough. What's the second? CLAUSIUS 2 (He begins pacing) Oh, the second. Ah, Dog damnit! You got me on that one. CLAUSIUS 1 Interesting angle on that one. CLAUSIUS 2 Thank you. CLAUSIUS 1 Number six? CLAUSIUS 2 I can't remember that one either. CLAUSIUS 1 A ha. What about seven? CLAUSIUS 2 Oh, hmm. Seven...Thou shall not steal. (Doesn't realize he slips into this) Thou shall not steal filthy magazines from the corner store and sneak them into English class and conceal them in your notebook while Mrs. Spittle-haufer is... CLAUSIUS 1 Oh, so that's what happened! CLAUSIUS 2 What? (laughs) What are you talking about? CLAUSIUS 1 Forget it. I don't know why I bother taking to you at all. CLAUSIUS 2 You need me to provide you with my interesting insights and provocative theories. CLAUSIUS 1 Let's hear one of these theories then. A real theory, because I don't have time for your usual senselessness. CLAUSIUS 2 (Looks around frantically, then notices the branches on the tree) Do you remember when I told you about the phantom limb? CLAUSIUS 1 How could I possibly forget? Who in the universe isn't constantly preoccupied with the mystery of the phantom limb? CLAUSIUS 2 Well, I think of religion as a phantom limb. CLAUSIUS 1 Spare me. CLAUSIUS 2 I'm serious. I feel like all of humankind has lost the use of some strange limb. Some arm or leg that could make things a lot easier for us. It would make us stronger; we would carry more things at once, or have better balance or something. Only, the problem is that we don't remember losing it. We can't even be sure that we ever had it, but sometimes it's like that other limb is there but we just can't wake it up, or we just can't remember what it feels like. CLAUSIUS 1 (Moved) I don't believe it, that's fantastic. CLAUSIUS 2 They really ought to make some sort of prostheses. CLAUSIUS 1 I'm not sure I can take much more of this! How can I be expected to find myself with these kind of distractions? CLAUSIUS 2 Find yourself? Are you lost? CLAUSIUS 1 Lost like a drop of water in the ocean. CLAUSIUS 2 Lost like a heedle in a naystack. CLAUSIUS 1 Please, please shut up. CLAUSIUS 2 Look Clausius, what makes you so sure you'll even recognize yourself if you find you? CLAUSIUS 1 What? CLAUSIUS 2 I mean, it would be a real shame if you searched and searched, and one day you meet this guy who says, do I know you? And you say, no sir, I believe you are mistaken, and go about your business. But it really was you that you met, and now you go all along not even suspecting you missed yourself. And then, yourself is moving along meeting altogether new people without you. The implications are terribly disturbing don't you think? That's not even considering the likely social embarrassments. I read about that very same sort of thing, you know. CLAUSIUS 1 I can't stand you anymore. You are evil! I wouldn't be surprised if you knew the devil himself! CLAUSIUS 2 You might say I know him quite well! CLAUSIUS 1 I thought so! CLAUSIUS 2 You might say we're practically related! CLAUSIUS 1 Shut up! CLAUSIUS 2 You shut up! CLAUSIUS 1 Fine! CLAUSIUS 2 Good! CLAUSIUS 1 Good! BOTH Fine! CLAUSIUS 2 WALKS AWAY. THEY IGNORE EACH OTHER FOR A WHILE UNTIL CLAUSIUS 2 NOTICES THE OPENED CASKET. HE WANDERS OVER TO IT. CLAUSIUS 2 (Leans over to listen for a heart beat in an imaginary corpse) What a tragedy! (He checks to see if his brother is paying attention) A real shame...Wasted, wasted youth. Oh, the humanity! CLAUSIUS 1 Shut up. No one's in there. CLAUSIUS 2 No one would be in there if someone was dead in there either. I mean, no one would be in there if some one in there was dead. I mean, so, it's just the same. CLAUSIUS 1 What? CLAUSIUS 2 If I, in a fairly good state of health, walked over to this casket and climbed in, (he does so) and then subsequently died, what would you say? CLAUSIUS 1 After breathing a sigh of relief you mean? CLAUSIUS 2 Yes, after that. CLAUSIUS 1 Well, I'd probably say you knew you were going to die. CLAUSIUS 2 Precisely!, but it could have been just be a lucky coincidence. What if I just needed a place to relax and climbed in here to catch up on some sleep, and then suddenly, I realized I had to die. Imagine how relieved I'd have been knowing I caught a lucky break and I didn't have to get up to go find a coffin to die in. How would you know the difference? Quite a little conundrum, eh? CLAUSIUS 1 I wouldn't knit-pick. Anyway, You might have known. God tells some people the exact hour and day of their death, even how it is going to happen. CLAUSIUS 2 What a horrible to thing to know! CLAUSIUS 1 I don't know. If you knew when you were going to die, you wouldn't waste so much of your time. CLAUSIUS 2 If I knew when I was going to die, what could I possibly do that wouldn't be wasting my time? CLAUSIUS 1 Well, as of right now, you know that you are going to die. So what isn't wasting your time now? CLAUSIUS 2 If I only knew, I could stop wasting my time trying to find out!! CLAUSIUS 1 Is that what you are doing? CLAUSIUS 2 I know I don't want to end in the coffin, lucky break or not. CLAUSIUS 1 It's all very strange; I'll grant you that. CLAUSIUS 2 What's the meaning of all this? CLAUSIUS 1 I need some answers. CLAUSIUS 2 Do you think history repeats itself? CLAUSIUS 1 Maybe it has a bit of a stutter. CLAUSIUS 2 History? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes. CLAUSIUS 2 How ironic. CLAUSIUS 1 Not really. THE TWO MEN SEEM EXHAUSTED. CLAUSIUS 2 SHAKES IT OFF AND GETS UP AGAIN. HE NOTICES THE CONFESSIONAL AND WALKS OVER TO IT, LOOKING AT IT CURIOUSLY. CLAUSIUS 2 What is this? CLAUSIUS 1 You know what it is. CLAUSIUS 2 A confectionery? CLAUSIUS 1 Oh, drop it will you? You know very well it's a confessional. CLAUSIUS 2 A box where a man goes in dirty and emerges clean. I wonder if there's a spin cycle. CLAUSIUS 1 No, man is never sinless. He can be forgiven though. CLAUSIUS 2 For the right price. CLAUSIUS 1 The only price is sincere penance... CLAUSIUS 2 Sincere penance, and ten percent of your income. CLAUSIUS 1 Indulgences are a thing of the past. CLAUSIUS 2 Then what are people confessing about? CLAUSIUS 1 You know what I meant. CLAUSIUS 2 Indulge me. CLAUSIUS 1 Don't start up with me again Clausius. You haven't the slightest idea what it's like to cleanse your soul through the admission of your transgressions. CLAUSIUS 2 Look, you can't even see through these holes to who you are talking to. CLAUSIUS 1 In some of them you can move the screen. It doesn't matter anyway. CLAUSIUS 2 What doesn't matter? CLAUSIUS 1 It doesn't matter if you can see who you are talking to. CLAUSIUS 2 If I came to confess to the official sin listener, I'd care if I was confessing to the janitor. CLAUSIUS 1 You don't have to worry about confessing to the janitor. CLAUSIUS 2 How do you know? Do they live in there? You could easily be confessing to the janitor. I've read about that very same sort of thing you know. CLAUSIUS 1 (Getting annoyed) Why would a janitor be taking confessions? CLAUSIUS 2 Do people spill there guts in there? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes. CLAUSIUS 2 Then someone's gotta clean it up! CLAUSIUS 1 Shut up! CLAUSIUS 2 Look, I'm just saying it would be easier if I could see who I was talking to. CLAUSIUS 1 It's easier if you can't see who you're talking to. CLAUSIUS 2 Why should it be easy? Getting forgiveness should be really hard. You should have to run obstacle courses, or balance heavy objects, or, or... CLAUSIUS 1 Then no one would confess. CLAUSIUS 2 You said it. CLAUSIUS 1 Let's try it. CLAUSIUS 2 Try what? CLAUSIUS 1 The confessional. CLAUSIUS 2 Now? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes, let's try it now. (He walks over and gets in) CLAUSIUS 2 All right, but I won't feel any better afterward. CLAUSIUS 1 Let's just do it. CLAUSIUS 2 Set it on delicate fabrics for me. CLAUSIUS 2 GETS IN, OPENS THE SCREEN, AND THE TWO BROTHERS STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A FEW MOMENTS. CLAUSIUS 1 You can go first. CLAUSIUS 2 Why don't you go first? You just want to hear what I've done. CLAUSIUS 1 Why, what have you done? CLAUSIUS 2 Nice try. You go first. CLAUSIUS 1 I don't trust you to take this seriously. CLAUSIUS 2 I don't trust you to tell the truth. CLAUSIUS 1 You go first. CLAUSIUS 2 You go first. CLAUSIUS 1 You go first! CLAUSIUS 2 You go first! BOTH I said, you go first! THEY ARE BOTH DISGUSTED WITH EACH OTHER AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS. BOTH Let's go together. BOTH Forgive me father for I have sinned. THERE IS A MOMENTARY PAUSE, AFTER WHICH THEY CONTINUE WITH GLAZED EYES AND AS IF THEY DO NOT HEAR WHAT THE OTHER IS SAYING. CLAUSIUS 1 I think I killed my father. CLAUSIUS 2 I think I murdered my father. CLAUSIUS 1 I can't even remember the last time I saw him... CLAUSIUS 2 I don't even remember his name... CLAUSIUS 1 I'm sure he used to sing to me... CLAUSIUS 2 I'll bet he used to teach me things... CLAUSIUS 1 He would have told me fantastic stories... CLAUSIUS 2 We probably used to wrestle together... BOTH Where did he go? BOTH Where is he now? CLAUSIUS 1 Maybe I drove him away... CLAUSIUS 2 Maybe I made him leave... CLAUSIUS 1 I can't picture his face! CLAUSIUS 2 I do dream about him. CLAUSIUS 1 I know he must have been with me once. CLAUSIUS 2 I have so many ideas about what he's like. CLAUSIUS 1 Sometimes I could swear I hear his voice. CLAUSIUS 2 Sometimes he's inside of my thoughts. CLAUSIUS 1 He must still love me, even though... CLAUSIUS 2 He must still want to hear from me, even though... BOTH We left him. BLACKOUT AND SLOW FADE IN. CLAUSIUS 2 Are we alone? CLAUSIUS 1 Where do we go? CLAUSIUS 2 What do we have? CLAUSIUS 1 What else is left? LIGHTS RETURN FULL BOTH I EXIST GOD DAMN IT! THEY FALL. THEY BEGIN TO RECOVER THEMSELVES SLOWLY. CLAUSIUS 2 Ouch! I think I fractured my skull. CLAUSIUS 1 You didn't fracture your skull. CLAUSIUS 2 I could have serious brain damage you know. CLAUSIUS 1 I'm sure I'd never notice. CLAUSIUS 2 I'm sure I wouldn't either! (He's a bit confused by this) FOG BEGINS TO FILL THE STAGE. CLAUSIUS 1 Life can be somewhat disconcerting at times, wouldn't you agree? CLAUSIUS 2 (Rubbing his head) Whole-heartedly, my brother. If I am nothing else, I am thoroughly disconcerted. That is something, isn't it? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes I suppose it is something. CLAUSIUS 2 Excellent then. CLAUSIUS 1 Are you ready to go? CLAUSIUS 2 I think I am. THEY APPROACH THE EDGE OF THE STAGE, NOTHING BEHIND THEM IS VISIBLE. THE BARK OF A DOG IS HEARD. THE BROTHERS ARE BOTH STARTLED AND LOOK QUICKLY OUT OVER THE AUDIENCE. CLAUSIUS 1 Did you hear that? CLAUSIUS 2 (Squinting) I think so. Look! Can you see it? CLAUSIUS 1 Yes, well, no. Maybe. I can't say for sure. (Bark again) BOTH That was scary. CLAUSIUS 2 Stand perfectly still; it'll just go right on by. CLAUSIUS 1 What? CLAUSIUS 2 If we stand perfectly still and we're not afraid, the God won't hurt us. CLAUSIUS 1 You mean dog. CLAUSIUS 2 (Profoundly) Yes, I guess I do. (Long pause) I'm quivering. CLAUSIUS 1 I know, I can hear you...so am I. CLAUSIUS 2 I know. THE FOG OVERTAKES THEM. BLACKOUT. THE END