HOLIDAYS Part I: XMAS DILEMMA & Part II: HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVE two 1-act plays by Erwin H. Lerner CONTACT: Erwin H. Lerner 34 Morton Street 2C New York, N.Y. 10014-4047 (212) 924-7282 (c) 1996 Erwin H. Lerner ______________________________________________________________________________ Holidays, Part II: HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVE CHARACTERS: A MAN, priestly ELLIOT ELLIOT, age 40 DELICIOUS, his young wife BELLMAN, young, grows older SCENE: An unfurnished room in a plush hotel. Doors Right, Center, and Left. No windows. Paper streamers and balloons are feebly strung to create atmosphere for a party. Light, grey and depressing; grows brighter as action progresses. TIME: New Years Eve in the present. AT RISE: Door Right is open, others are closed. A MAN (Enters through audience, compels attention) I'm selfish! But why confess my problems! You prefer, what? How may I gratify and satisfy you? We have time; I'm here, you're here, there. We, in a sense, are together! May I perform music? Dance? Poetry? Shall I recite a speech? I can juggle seventeen apples! Does anyone have seventeen apples? I'll show you how it's accomplished Apples, anyone? (Waits) I have a book somewhere! (Searches about) Might I read a chapter or two? I haven't judged the book; perhaps we can decide its value! (Abandons search) I have certain ideas about certain books! Is that accountable In fact, I have certain ideas about many certain things! Would everyone with certain ideas regarding certain things please rise? Raise your hands; let's discuss ideas! May I suggest some? Let's see: ideas, ideas facts! Why not get down to business? (Waits) I hope I'm not offensive; if anyone wishes to laugh, I know several jokes: pick a category. I wish to offend no one! By the way, to raise a question of morality: why Oh, let's not discuss it! Shall I play music to soothe sensitivities, to titillate, to Ah, no matter how poetic the words sound ABOUT it, one cannot describe a musical effect! (Thinks) I should analyze what I've expressed, for somewhere in this experience, profundity pulsates its rhythms! Indeed, I must contemplate, meditate. Please forgive my absence while I excuse me, I shall return! (Exits through audience) ELLIOT (Enters Right, wearing outdated suit, shirt collar undone; tieless; trying to recall) Do you, Elliot, take this woman Take thee, Elliot, this woman How do I forget simple things? (Calls off Right) Sweets, how did the vows begin? DELICIOUS (Enters Right, wearing a negligee) When can I buy something new and exciting to wear: ELLIOT How did the judge put it to us? DELICIOUS Which judge? ELLIOT How many have we seen together, stupid? The one who married us! (Looks at his watch; startled by the hour his reaction each time he does so) Eleven! DELICIOUS We were married by a minister! ELLIOT (Remembers) I'll be damned! DELICIOUS What shall I wear to look beautiful tonight? ELLIOT Use your discretion! (Crosses to door Center) Am I your wardrobe master? I've more important things to contemplate DELICIOUS You disinterested, disappointing bastard! What insanity possessed me to marry you? ELLIOT Why upset me, tonight of all nights? Consider the significance of this rendezvous! (Opens door Center, looks off, shuts door) My first wife will be here with her second husband, who happens to be my former college roommate! DELICIOUS Who happens to be my first husband! ELLIOT That's pure speculation! DELICIOUS I doubt if more than one Arthur A. Arthur exists! (A knock at door center, looks) I'll get hysterical if Arthur walks in! ELLIOT I'll get hysterical if you don't dress! DELICIOUS I'll wear my Byzantine-purple after-dinner dress! (Exits Right) ELLIOT (Collects himself, smiles; opens door Center) Welcome to the past BELLMAN (OFF) Room Service! (Enters) May I serve you, sir? ELLIOT Chilled champagne: Dachau? 31? 43? Be quick about it! BELLMAN I doubt if we have it, sir! May I suggest something domestic? Appalachia? '54? '60? It's poor, but you'll get by with it! ELLIOT I want something immediately! BELLMAN It's holiday time; everything is sold, but I'll se what I can do! (Exits Center) DELICIOUS (Enters Right as door Center closes) I'm leaving; I've called for a bellman! ELLIOT You'd run off with a bellboy? (Looks at his watch) Ten-thirty! DELICIOUS It's running backwards again! ELLIOT (Opens door Center, looks off, shuts door) Indigo gave it to me to celebrate our divorce DELICIOUS Sentimentalist! ELLIOT The poet in her! DELICIOUS You haven't been poetic since our wedding! Eleven days of How shall historians describe our marriage? ELLIOT Don't be the pseudo-intellectual! DELICIOUS Your rendezvouses, meetings, caucuses, conferences I'm through with your esoteric nonsense! ELLIOT My career is master of your fate! Is that clear? Subordinate your putrid emotion and maintain a posture compatible with my position! DELICIOUS On second thought, I'll stay, to see if your Arthur is my Arthur! ELLIOT Your former Arthur! DELICIOUS Arthur loved me until I lost weight! Is your first wife fat? ELLIOT She's latently plump DELICIOUS Arthur gave me my first bikini size forty! God, why did I join that stupid health club? Arthur worshipped my fat! ELLIOT Finish dressing, sweets; wear that devastating, black number from Haiti! DELICIOUS I hate that kimono! (Knock at door Center) I'll wear my Hellenic-orange lounging robe! (Exits Right) ELLIOT (Collects himself; smiles, opens door Center) Coexistence time! (His smile fades) BELLMAN (OFF) I'm here for the luggage, sir! ELLIOT Come in! BELLMAN ` (Enters Center) We hope you enjoyed your stay! ELLIOT Let's talk! BELLMAN Sir? ELLIOT May I buy you off; to, shall we say, end your association with my wife? BELLMAN (Puzzled) Are you checking out, sir? ELLIOT That's entirely my own business! BELLMAN Pardon our error, sir! (Bows) At your service! (Exits Center) ELLIOT (Door Center closes) Disgusting service! DELICIOUS (Enters Right, wearing black slip) I'll do my best not to defy your will! ELLIOT Is your bellboy aware of your fetish? DELICIOUS (Frightened) I'm content not to think of it! ELLIOT Wait here! (Exits Right) DELICIOUS (Sobs) Dear God, is there no end to this ELLIOT (Enters Right, carrying baby bottle, nippled, filled with yellow-gray liquid) Will your bellboy satisfy your need? (Offers bottle) DELICIOUS I don't want it! ELLIOT Why do we fail, Delicious? DELICIOUS (Startled) You called me Delicious! ELLIOT Yes! DELICIOUS You spoke my name! ELLIOT (Softly) Delicious! (TRANSFORMATION: ELLIOT AND DELICIOUS GAZE AT EACH OTHER, THEY COO) I'm Elliot! DELICIOUS Hello! ELLIOT Marry me! DELICIOUS Yes! ELLIOT That makes me happy! DELICIOUS I'm divorced! ELLIOT I've been married! DELICIOUS His name was Arthur! ELLIOT Her name was Indigo! DELICIOUS I'm Delicious! ELLIOT (Knock at door Center; BOTH RETURN TO PRESENT; DELICIOUS (Simultaneously, happily) Arthur! ELLIOT Damn you, finish dressing! DELICIOUS I'll wear my Mount Zion mist evening gown! ELLIOT (Offers bottle) Take this DELICIOUS (Yields) Thank you! (Takes bottle, sucks greedily, Exits Right) ELLIOT (Calls to her) Wear the topless dress you bought in Moscow! (Opens door Center; looks off) BELLMAN (OFF) Champagne, sir! Dachau! '44? ELLIOT Terrible vintage! (Slams door) Sweets, about that bellboy! DELICIOUS (Enters Right, wearing negligee) Call me Delicious again! ELLIOT I want to procreate! DELICIOUS Shall I find a stud service? ELLIOT I have a prescription for potency pills! DELICIOUS I'm not interested in fantasy! Where are Arthur and Indigo? ELLIOT There can be three, four, five of us the possibility is infinite! DELICIOUS (Loosens negligee) Let's have an orgy tonight! ELLIOT I won't share you with anyone! DELICIOUS Let's free ourselves of an insufferable year! ELLIOT We don't know each other a year! DELICIOUS Let's do as the Romans did! ELLIOT This isn't Rome, and I'm canceling the rendezvous! DELICIOUS It's New Year's Eve! ELLIOT I cancel it! DELICIOUS You can't cancel New Year's Eve! (Knock at door Center) Answer the door! ELLIOT Cover your body! DELICIOUS With what, damn you? (Exits Right ELLIOT (Collects himself, opens door Center) You might as well join the party! BELLMAN (Enters Center) Sir, unless the Bell captain is mistaken, and you don't intend to check out, unless a change of plans has occurred, or I misunderstand my assignment, unless you misunderstand, or this is the wrong room, I'll take the luggage, sir! ELLIOT Why must you interfere with holy matrimony? BELLMAN (Winks) If you desire bell service, sir! (Bows, starts to go) ELLIOT (Grabs BELLMAN's shoulder) I haven't dismissed you! BELLMAN (Startled, pulls away) Let go, sir! ELLIOT (Clinging) I can't, I'm paralyzed! BELLMAN (Frees himself) I'll call the house physician! (Hastily Exits Center ELLIOT (Shouts) Wait! (Door Center closes) Must I be depressed? (His paralysis subsides; sulks) Arthur? Indigo? Isn't life complex? I've married again! May I introduce her to you? I call her "sweets!" DELICIOUS (Enters Right, wearing negligee) What color shall I wear? ELLIOT Let's rendezvous! DELICIOUS Tell me! ELLIOT On New Year's Eve! (Knock at door Center; returns to present, clutches his throat) My tie! (Hastily Exits Right) BELLMAN (Opens door Center with passkey, Enters; sees DELICIOUS) Pardon me, madam! DELICIOUS (Startled) Why have you broken into my room? BELLMAN I telephoned the house physician! DELICIOUS (Frightened) Are you deranged? BELLMAN Has your husband recovered? DELICIOUS (Shrieks) Stay away from me! BELLMAN (Unnerved) I'll call the house physician again! (Hastily Exits Center) ELLIOT (Enters Right, tieless, as door Center closes) Where are my ties? DELICIOUS Elliot? (Rushes to him) ELLIOT Help me find them! DELICIOUS Help me! ELLIOT Please? DELICIOUS I was attacked by the bellman! ELLIOT Talk about fantasy! Where is he? DELICIOUS He ran out when I screamed! ELLIOT Could a common deviate replace me? DELICIOUS (Childishly) Call me Delly? ELLIOT Delly? (Giggles) DELICIOUS It's short for Delicious! ELLIOT It's short for delicatessen! DELICIOUS Don't ridicule me; it's my nickname! ELLIOT Delly! (Giggles) BELLMAN (Knocks at door Center; OFF) Sir, madam, do you need an ambulance? ELLIOT (Whispers) He should be in a mental institution! DELICIOUS (Whispers) Call the police! BELLMAN (OFF) People to see you sir, madam! ELLIOT (Looks at his watch) Midnight! (Hugs DELICIOUS) Happy New Year, love! DELICIOUS (Hugs him) Happy New Year, love! (They kiss) BELLMAN (Knocks at door Center; OFF) Sir, madam? The people came to the wrong floor! ELLIOT (Whispers) I wish he'd go away! DELICIOUS (Whispers) What does he want? BELLMAN Shall I come in? ELLIOT He wants you! DELICIOUS Don't let him in ELLIOT This is what promiscuity leads to! (Presses against door Center) We should eliminate perverted animals, enslave them, put them to drudgery, torture them, render them extinct! (Presses harder) I've seen many like him. (Mocks) "I'm a good bellman, sir!" (Presses harder) These subspecies have their cunning! (Exhausted, gasps) Agh! (Falls to floor) I can't keep him out! DELICIOUS (Rushes to him) Elliot! ELLIOT (Sobs) Don't go with him! DELICIOUS I won't! ELLIOT I need you, Delly! (Giggles) DELICIOUS Don't laugh at me! ELLIOT (Props himself up) I can't help it DELICIOUS I hate you! ELLIOT I'm sorry, Delly! (Laughs) DELICIOUS I'll kill you, Elliot! ELLIOT (Howling) I'll die laughing! DELICIOUS Eleven days of marriage, eleven hotel rooms, eleven attacks of laughter! ELLIOT (Gains control of his laughter, stops) I've conquered it! DELICIOUS Eleven conquests! ELLIOT I have control! DELICIOUS I have a craving! ELLIOT I'll get the bottle! DELICIOUS Hurry! ELLIOT Promise to help me become president! DELICIOUS I'll be the First Lady! ELLIOT Let's go to Birmingham! DELICIOUS We were there last week! ELLIOT Did our guests show up? DELICIOUS Eleven cities, eleven disappointments! Why does everyone reject you? ELLIOT Success is happening! Remember that bellboy in Birmingham? DELICIOUS I'm leaving! ELLIOT You're in my power! DELICIOUS You have no power! ELLIOT Did sweets have her prescription filled? Did you take your birth control pill? DELICIOUS (Frightened) I'll miss my cycle! ELLIOT I'm in command DELICIOUS Where's my prescription? ELLIOT I am king! DELICIOUS You're a fool! ELLIOT I am dictator! (Snaps to attention, clicks his heels, salutes) Zieg heil! DELICIOUS Madman! ELLIOT Divine right! The Elliot dynasty! How many generations shall follow me? DELICIOUS None! (Curtsies) Your Impotence! ELLIOT (Reminds her) Potency pills? DELICIOUS Is fulfillment possible for me? ELLIOT Everything is possible if you behave! STROBOSCOPIC LIGHT REFLECTS THE FOLLOWING DELICIOUS (Chants) In the name of Jesus . . . ELLIOT (Humored) What are you doing? DELICIOUS (Bows) In the name of Allah . . . ELLIOT Stop that! DELICIOUS (Kneels) In the name of Buddha . . . ELLIOT (Angered) Stop! DELICIOUS (Shuts her eyes) In the name . . . ELLIOT (Shouts) Damn . . . DELICIOUS of . . . ELLIOT you . . DELICIOUS the . . . ELLIOT woman . . . DELICIOUS name . . . ELLIOT (Shrieks) I hate you! (Chokes her, DELICIOUS gags) BELLMAN (Enters door Center with passkey, sees them; consecutively: startled, horrified, angered, fascinated, sexually aroused, exhilarated; shouts) No, sir! ELLIOT (Sees BELLMAN) What? STROBOSCOPIC LIGHT STOPS; LIGHTS RESUME AS BEFORE: BELLMAN (Approaches with caution) You're killing her! ELLIOT (Glances at his hands) A slight altercation! (Releases DELICIOUS, who collapses onto floor) This is hardly your concern! (Rises BELLMAN (Looks down at DELICIOUS) Are you all right, madam? (Concerned) She doesn't look well, sir! ELLIOT How dare you criticize my wife's looks? BELLMAN I'd best call the house physician! ELLIOT You'll do nothing of the sort! BELLMAN I'll report this to the Bell Captain! (Hastily Exits Center) ELLIOT (Sneers) Impudent dog! Could you gratify my wife? (To DELICIOUS) You'd have gone with him? What would your bastard children be? Answer me! Do you feel obligated to me? You owe me something for saving you from him! Could you not love me? I've rescued you from eleven so far! How many were there before we met? Isn't life mysterious? I can't remember where, or when, or how we met; only that I needed you, because I'd divorced myself from the past shall we say transcended? Emerged? Ascended to manhood? I had ambition! Shall I talk about my childhood? The house was nice, and I was the only child; I had a friend, and one day we shall I say played with each other? I saw mommy and daddy have intercourse! I had to shall we say masturbate? I had a harmonica, a baseball glove; I read books, I went to school; I had a brain, a nervous system, blood pumping through my veins, a heart beat, lungs; I breathed air; I had a voice; I was shall we say unique? I was happy, and I had a dog; I kicked it once, because it had a thing and it peed on me the day it was hit by a car, and died! (Sobs) I loved my dog! DELICIOUS (Suddenly props herself up) I can't do this again! ELLIOT Neither can I; I'll do whatever you say! DELICIOUS Get my bottle! ELLIOT Yes, love! DELICIOUS Crawl for it! ELLIOT Anything you say! (Crawls, Exits Right) DELICIOUS I am superior to you! ELLIOT (Enters Right, crawling; offers baby bottle) Here's your tequila! DELICIOUS (Takes it) Where are my birth control pills? ELLIOT You have none; I have the prescription. DELICIOUS Have Room Service fill it! ELLIOT Yes, love! (Crawls, Exits Right) DELICIOUS (Sneers) I am emancipated! ELLIOT (Enters Right, walking) I won't procure another bellboy for you! DELICIOUS I'll miss my cycle, fool! ELLIOT Must we quarrel? I won't fill my potency pill prescription. DELICIOUS Must you neglect my needs? ELLIOT (knock at door Center; BOTH grow frightened) Who might it be? DELICIOUS I don't know ELLIOT Where are we? DELICIOUS I don't remember! ELLIOT It's happening again! DELICIOUS The nightmare! BELLMAN (Opens door Center with passkey, Enters; sees THEM) Excuse me, sir, madam! ELLIOT (To BELLMAN) Who are you? BELLMAN I'm the bellman, sir! ELLIOT What do you want? BELLMAN I was concerned about you! DELICIOUS (To ELLIOT) He's trained to lie! ELLIOT Who do you represent? BELLMAN The hotel, sir, madam! DELICIOUS (Threatens to strike BELLMAN) Tell the truth! BELLMAN It's the truth, madam, sir! ELLIOT (Indicates door Center) Go away! BELLMAN Have I offended you, sir, madam? DELICIOUS (To ELLIOT) You can't turn him loose! Is it as simple as that? ELLIOT (To DELICIOUS) You have a point! BELLMAN If you need me, madam, sir . . . (Bows, Exits Center) DELICIOUS (Caresses ELLIOT) Trust my wisdom! ELLIOT Yes! DELICIOUS I have a brilliant mind! (Leads him off Right) ELLIOT (Follows) Mind! (BOTH Exit Right) A MOMENT OF SILENCE. SOUNDS OF EROTICA FROM OFF RIGHT. LIGHTS DIM. HOUSELIGHTS GO UP. FINALLY: A MAN (Enters through audience) Pardon me, please, I've found inspiration to perform! Did you sit comfortably? Was my absence missed? You're so understanding, I would not have you feel hostile, embittered, disappointed. I beg forgiveness, please. Allow me to introduce myself; Ah! Peace, bless you, pax vobiscum, love, in the name of the father . . . (Smiles) Goodbye, my friends! (Exits Left; door Left remains open)