HOLED UP Copyright (c)1994 by John Paul Middlesworth DRAMATIS PERSONAE: SIDNEY: Cashier at a convenience store ANNE: A very pregnant woman BETH: Anne's sister MILLIE: A woman in her early 20's JOHN: The boyfriend of Millie RANDY: An unkempt thug PLAYWRIGHT: The one who wrote the play SETTING: The play takes place in a convenience store late at night. There needs to be a large counter with a cash register on top of it. There must also be a doorway or a curtain that an actor can use to enter a supposed restroom. The characters will act as if there is a large glass door downstage center as well as an entire front wall to the store. The audience will, as it were, look through the store's front windows to see the action. Situated downstage and to the far left of the imaginary door is a chair in which the playwright will sit. He watches the action, mostly, but the chair is angled 45 degrees from the front of the stage so he can easily turn around and address the audience. NOTE ON PERFORMANCE: Although reading this script would suggest that the audience is watching a dress rehearsal of a play, that isn't the case. The actors and playwright should treat this as a finished and altogether serious performance. If they act campy or artificial the effect of the play will be lost. It's of course odd to have a playwright mediating--let's say interrupting--his own work, but that's the way it happens here. It's as if the actors had performed the play a couple times already and on this night have invited the writer to make a running commentary. As you'll see, there's little that's necessary or profound about this commentary and so the actors feel a small frustration. They are polite though, and react not by freezing in position nor by breaking out of character, but something in between. [Lights come up downstage; the PLAYWRIGHT enters] PLAYWRIGHT: [Nervous, but obviously proud of his work] Hi. I'm the one who wrote this next piece. It's a play, a short play, and it's called "Holed Up," and that's spelled H-O-L-E-D-U-P. Uh, two words--H-O-L-E-D is the first word, and U-P is the, uh, second word. I'm sure it speaks for itself, so I don't have a lot to say. It's about how, uh, in a crisis your essential . . . humanity comes out; well maybe not humanity, but you know what I mean. [Pause, takes his seat] That's pretty much all I need to say. Hope you enjoy it. [Lights go down and when they come back up SIDNEY is behind the cash register. ANNE and BETH are in the aisle of the store looking at an item.] BETH: Pampers, Huggies, it's all the same thing. ANNE: Maybe we shouldn't get disposable. BETH: You don't want to be washing diapers. SIDNEY: Store closes in ten minutes, folks. BETH: We don't need to decide this now. [MILLIE and JOHN enter in a state of agitation] JOHN: Go get your damn caffeine-free Coke, Millie. How was I supposed to know? MILLIE: How long have you known me, John? When have you ever seen me drink caffeine? When? [Goes to back of store] JOHN: [To MILLIE] Why don't you drink Mountain Dew or something. [To SIDNEY] I was at pump three. SIDNEY: Ten dollars and one cent. Mountain Dew has caffeine. JOHN: Oh. [JOHN gives money. MILLIE walks up and puts Coke on counter] MILLIE: Add that to it, John. Have you got a restroom? SIDNEY: [Giving change to JOHN] Right over there, but we're ready to close soon, mam. MILLIE: [Exiting] I won't be long. JOHN: I am so damned tired of that woman. PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] Just cause he's named John, don't think he's based on me or anything. [To actors] I'm sorry, go on. JOHN: I mean, it's not like she's paying for the damn drink. What a bitch. PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] You see--my girlfriend's not named Millie, and really, she's not anything like this character. JOHN: She poured the drink I got her out the window; got that sticky crap all over the side of my car. PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] Okay, now my girlfriend did do that one time, but still, uh . . . . [To actors] Go on, go on. BETH: [To ANNE] Are you gonna buy something or not? ANNE: Hold on a minute. [RANDY enters, harried. Everything about his appearance indicates a hold-up is in the works] SIDNEY: Sir, the store is about ready to close. RANDY: It's alright, I just need some, uh, creamed corn. SIDNEY: Aisle one. [RANDY doesn't go anywhere. BETH and ANNE go to counter] ANNE: [To SIDNEY] Have you ever had a baby? SIDNEY: My wife has. ANNE: That's what I mean. Did you use disposable diapers? SIDNEY: My baby did. ANNE: That's what I mean. Do you remember which brand they were? SIDNEY: [To RANDY] Sir, just walk right up the aisle there; that's where the corn is. RANDY: [Exploding; pulls out gun] All right, don't anybody move! Just stay calm and you won't get hurt. ANNE: [Clings to BETH] Oh Jesus. BETH: It'll be all right. SIDNEY: I can't open the safe. I don't have the combination. RANDY: We'll see about that. All right, all of you get down on the floor with your hands on the back of your head. [JOHN, a coward, does this right away] BETH: Please, she's a pregnant woman. Please let her go. RANDY: Just do what I say! [To SIDNEY] Not you! . . . All right, now you give me the combination. SIDNEY: I already told you-- [SIDNEY continues to stand. BETH helps ANNE down. An odd mechanical sound is heard: a motor and then a bolt] RANDY: What's that noise? SIDNEY: Now it's too late. That's the automatic door lock. I should have had the store closed by now. We're stuck in here. RANDY: You'll have to open it up. SIDNEY: I can't. It can't be opened until the manager arrives with a key. That's six hours from now. PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] I have to say here, a friend who read the script told me that no convenience store would have an "automatic door lock." But if I throw that out, then I really haven't got a play anymore. RANDY: Maybe you'll have to phone up this manager. SIDNEY: He'll get the police here-- PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] Actually, my friend said that an automatic lock was the stupidest thing he's ever heard of. I don't know. RANDY: Alright then, let me think. So you say we're stuck here. MILLIE: [Emerging from restroom] What a dump. RANDY: Whoa there! You didn't say there was someone else here! [As he points gun at her she raises her hands] MILLIE: Good god! Why didn't somebody tell him I was in there? I coulda gotten killed. JOHN: I did tell him. PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] He's lying. RANDY: No you didn't. JOHN: You just weren't listening. RANDY: Was so. MILLIE: Why didn't you tell him? JOHN: Oh . . . I was hoping you'd get a chance to sneak up on him. [During this distraction, SIDNEY has had a chance to slip his hands under the counter and produce a gun, which he now points at RANDY] SIDNEY: Show's over, pal. Drop the gun. RANDY: [Wheels around and points his piece at SIDNEY] You drop yours. SIDNEY: No, you drop yours. JOHN: Just shoot him, shoot him! MILLIE: [Hands still raised] Which one do you mean? SIDNEY: Drop it. RANDY: No, you drop it. SIDNEY: No, you. RANDY: No, you. PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] This is some real dramatic tension here! SIDNEY: I'm gonna count to three and then I'm gonna blow you away. RANDY: I'm gonna count to two. SIDNEY: I'll count to one, then. Are you ready? RANDY: Are you? PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] It's like a rope ready to break. SIDNEY: All right. Here goes. RANDY: Fine. Get ready to die. SIDNEY: No, you. RANDY: No, you. SIDNEY: One . . . Two . . . RANDY: [Suddenly, he throws his weapon down and begs for his life, a little out of character] No, please! It's not loaded; I wasn't going to hurt anybody. [JOHN, ignorant of the claim it's unloaded, jumps up, picks up the gun from the floor and nervously holds it on RANDY] SIDNEY: Well you're still in serious trouble, mister. [ANNE experiences a sudden labor contraction; these outbursts will be funniest if done as contained cramps of discomfort rather than screaming bursts of pain] ANNE: Oh! Oh my god! RANDY: What was that? A contraction? JOHN: She's going to have her baby! BETH: [Rising to her knees] We have to get her to a hospital! MILLIE: But we're not going to be able to get out of here for six hours! PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] Ouu, she probably shouldn't have that line, since she wasn't around to hear that information . . . but I was thinking: here, a whole page has gone by without her saying anything. SIDNEY: [Comes around the front of the counter] It'll be all right. We're in a store after all. We've got everything we need. [JOHN has lowered the gun by now] MILLIE: [Squats down to put her arm around ANNE, who is now sitting up against counter] It'll be all right; don't you worry. RANDY: I'm sorry. I think I was the cause of all this. Is there any alcohol in the store? JOHN: That's a good question. BETH: Why do you want to know? RANDY: This may surprise you, but I trained for 18 months to be an obstetrician. When I ran out of money to pay tuition, I started knocking over convenience stores. You're in good hands now. [He squats down and takes her hand] PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] I love the irony of this. When I thought this up I have to admit I was pretty pleased with myself. ANNE: My name's Anne. RANDY: Anne. You just relax. You-- SIDNEY: Sidney. Sidney Carlson. RANDY: Sidney, go get some hot water. ANNE: How do you like that? My last name is Carlson also. [SIDNEY exits into bathroom. BETH and RANDY are working to make ANNE comfortable] PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] See, the ironies just keep building up. MILLIE: [Steps a bit downstage with JOHN] John, let me ask you something. Do you want it to go on between the two of us? JOHN: Well, I know we've had some hard times lately. MILLIE: Just answer my question: do you want the two of us to continue dating? PLAYWRIGHT: [Spontaneously] No! [To actors] Oop. I'm sorry. JOHN: There seems to be something you're holding back, something you want to say. Is it something about us? MILLIE: I guess I don't have to tell you right away. We've got six hours, after all. Let me be by myself a while. [JOHN and MILLIE wander offer to their own reveries, SIDNEY brings out bucket with water] SIDNEY: Here you go, doctor. RANDY: Please. I never really became a doctor. Call me Randy. Put the bucket over there, Sidney. Now you . . . BETH: Beth. I'm her sister. RANDY: Is your last name Carlson also? BETH: Why should it be? RANDY: Keep timing the contractions, how far they are apart. ANNE: [A contraction] Oh! BETH: Was that a contraction? ANNE: Yes! PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] About this point in the script my girlfriend says "Why aren't they trying to get out of the building anymore?" "There's a dozen ways they could get out," she says. [Pause] It's just like her to try to make my script look bad. RANDY: All right, we'll need clean towels and a pair of sterilized scissors to cut the umbilical cord. SIDNEY: There are some rubber gloves up on aisle three. Two-ninety-seven a pair I believe. BETH: And the scissors? SIDNEY: A dollar ninety-nine I think. I'll have to check. [Goes to check] JOHN: [Approaches MILLIE at other side of stage] What's wrong, Millie? Is there something you're not telling me. MILLIE: John, I've enjoyed our nights together--the smiles, the joy, the love--but there was always that chance that something could happen . . . JOHN: What could happen? MILLIE: Oh, nothing. SIDNEY: [At other side] Right. Dollar ninety-nine for the scissors. Eighty-nine cents for the rubbing alcohol. And the paper towels are two for a dollar this week. ANNE: [Contraction] Oh! BETH: Two towels for a dollar? ANNE: Two ROLLS of towels, Beth. BETH: That's more like it. JOHN: [Approaches MILLIE] Is it something I said? MILLIE: No, no. John, are you ready to make a real commitment to me? JOHN: Why are you asking for that? MILLIE: John, there's something you need to know. PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] Alright, before she spills the beans, we're gonna jump ahead about two hours. And you can imagine that a lot of what you've seen has gone on in pretty much the same way--you know, contractions, Millie keeping her secret, and what not. And naturally, they've been talking, getting to know more about each other. . . . Okay, so it's two hours later. [During the previous spiel, the actors have changed their positions somewhat. RANDY is sitting on counter-top. SIDNEY is sitting on floor. JOHN and MILLIE are still in a dispute and not near the others] RANDY: [Directing this mostly to SIDNEY] No, no, that was my first lover. I'm talking about my second lover; his name was Edward, and he was a mason. SIDNEY: Bricks? RANDY: No, his last name was Mason. Edward Mason. ANNE: Oh! BETH: Contraction? ANNE: No. I think I know him. I met him at the Masonic Lodge. RANDY: It's quite possible. He's a mason in that way also. BETH: What were you doing in the Masonic Lodge? ANNE: [Contraction] Oh! BETH: A minute away from each other. RANDY: [Hops off counter] For discretion's sake, let's get her behind the counter. [While this maneuvering is taking place, JOHN and MILLIE continue their scene at other side of stage] JOHN: What is it, Millie? I know there's something wrong, and I think you should tell me. MILLIE: You just don't get it, do you? Isn't it obvious? JOHN: What? Isn't what obvious? MILLIE: [Quite upset] . . . I'm pregnant! PLAYWRIGHT: [Proud of his coup de theatre, he claps his hands together] Bam! JOHN: Good lord! How long have you known this? MILLIE: About a week. JOHN: [Embraces her] It'll be alright. ANNE: [A serious moan from behind counter] Ooohh. RANDY: [Standing behind counter] It won't be long now. [BETH is now behind counter and SIDNEY is double- checking prices on all the items involved in the operation] JOHN: We'll get married. Everything'll be fine. PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] It just occurred to me: you're probably thinking my girlfriend's pregnant or something. But you're wrong. MILLIE: No, John. Everything won't be fine. It's not your child. JOHN: What? What are you saying? MILLIE: Just what I said. You're not the father. JOHN: Are you saying it's not my child? MILLIE: That's what I'm saying. JOHN: I'm not the father, then. Is that it? MILLIE: Exactly. PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] What makes her so sure about this? I don't know. I'm sorry. ANNE: [The greatest moan yet] Oohhh! RANDY: [Crouching down] Quick, Beth, get ready. [From here on out, the activity and sound of giving birth is apparent from behind the counter] JOHN: It's over between us, Millie. This is the last straw. I didn't mind the previous things, but you having someone else's baby--that's where I draw the line. MILLIE: [Now in tears, exiting to the restroom] I should have known you'd react this way. SIDNEY: [Peering over counter] I can see its head! BETH: Quit looking! SIDNEY: Sorry. JOHN: [Goes to counter] Is there anything I can do to help? RANDY: Get some more towels. JOHN: [Goes down aisle to search] I don't see any more of the two-for-a-dollar towels. RANDY: Just get anything! JOHN: [Delivers towels] Here you go. SIDNEY: Don't you think you ought to check on your girlfriend? JOHN: [Exiting to restroom] You're right. ANNE: Doctor! Doctor! What is it? RANDY: [Stands up and slaps his hands together in a way that says "finished"] Anne, I'm happy to report it's a little girl. BETH: [Still hidden behind counter] Oh, she's beautiful! SIDNEY: Randy, I'm awful glad now I didn't shoot your ass. BETH: [Now standing] Anne, why don't you stand up and show off your new daughter? ANNE: [Stands, cradling her child, which has been carefully wrapped in paper towels] There, there, little baby. SIDNEY: [Suggestively] What are you gonna name it? RANDY: [Thinking it might get his name] Yeah, what ARE you gonna name it? ANNE: [She looks around at all their faces and then again at all their faces] I think I'm gonna name it . . . Heather. PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] I was going to have her name it after one of them, but that seemed kinda sappy. JOHN: [Rushing from the restroom] Oh no, it's too late. SIDNEY: [As JOHN collapses in his arms] What's the matter? JOHN: [Stunned] She's . . . RANDY: She's what? JOHN: She's killed herself. SIDNEY: Oh no. ANNE: Oh my heavens. BETH: Good lord. PLAYWRIGHT: [To audience] Right; so here, my girlfriend has to ask me how she killed herself, but what does it really matter? She banged her head against the toilet or something, I don't know. It's tragic--that's the point. RANDY: I can't help thinking I'm somehow responsible. SIDNEY: [Patting JOHN] There, there, you have a good cry. ANNE: That poor girl. RANDY: [Knowing that he's delivering a big, important line] The irony of it. Life in death. Death in life. Wow. ANNE: [Comforting the baby] It's all right, Heather. Everything'll be all right. SIDNEY: [Consoling JOHN] There, there, John. Soon, the sun will pour through yon window, and it will be a new day. BETH: [Pause, then spokes with a tone that's really too bright for the circumstances] Well, it really has been quite a night for all of us, hasn't it? [Pause, as lights fade slightly on actors] PLAYWRIGHT: Well, I don't know if that's the best curtain line ever written . . . I mean, I guess it's not the best curtain line ever written. [Stands] All in all, I'd say I'm pretty proud of the play. It's not perfect, but it does express my, uh, world-view. Well, maybe not world-view, but . . . you know. [Turns around to actors and speaks in a tone that expresses his approval] Okay. [Lights fade, as actor wander off the stage] The End