Call The Hospital a comedy sketch Copyright October 1996 by Andrew Symons CAST: WIFE - middle-aged woman, about 50, she has dyed her hair to try to look younger to a cross between orange and brown. She tends to overreact to everything. HUSBAND - middle-aged man, about 54, has a little bit of hair left (grey), is a very timid man, just does whatever his wife tells him to do. SON - the son of the husband and wife, male, about 16, we never actually see him. MAN - someone who just happens to pass by, about 30, has a Yorkshire accent, is easily frightened. OFFICERS - two police officers are also needed for this sketch. [The scene: a lounge room in a upper middle class house. There is a couch at centre stage. To the left of the couch is a closed window. Behind the couch is a table with a telephone on it. There are doors at stage right, and at the back of the stage] [There is a woman, a wife, standing at the side of the stage, talking to someone off stage] WIFE. Look what you've done, you great pillock! How many times have I told you to keep your feet out of your mouth?!! SON. (Off) I don't know. WIFE. You don't know?!?! And, now look at you. You've bitten your own foot off. [Husband appears on the other side of the stage] HUSBAND. He's what? [The wife turns to her husband, moving back a bit] WIFE. He's bitten his own foot off. HUSBAND. Oh, don't worry about it, dear. WIFE. Don't worry about it?!?! Don't you talk to me like that, Herbert!! Now, go and speak to him! HUSBAND. Who? WIFE. Your son! [The husband walks to where his wife was standing before] HUSBAND. Now, look here, Nick, your mother's very disappointed about what you've done. WIFE. What about you? HUSBAND. What? Oh, yes. She's disappointed about what I've done, too. [Pause. He turns and takes a step towards his wife] HUSBAND. What have I done, dear? WIFE. Just shut up, you old fool! I'll call the hospital. What's the number? HUSBAND. Number? WIFE. Yes, the number. The phone number. The phone number for the hospital. HUSBAND. Phone number for the hospital. Wouldn't have a clue. You might as well ask the cat. [The wife looks down] WIFE. Fluffy, what's the phone number for the hospital? [Husband begins looking around for something] HUSBAND. It's just an expression, dear. WIFE. I would expect you to know the number, Herbert. After all, you call them every day. HUSBAND. Do I? WIFE. Yes, you're always ringing them to ask if they have any free parking. [Husband is now behind the couch, and has bent over] WIFE. Every time I come in this room, I catch you on the phone to the hospital. [Husband has found the newspaper he was looking for, and he stands up] HUSBAND. Oh, that's right. You see, when you said hospital, I thought you said bakery. [He begins to make his way around to the front of the couch] WIFE. You idiot!! So, what's the number? [The husband sits down on the couch, and thinks] HUSBAND. I, um....I.... WIFE. Don't tell me you forgot. [The husband opens out the paper, and begins to read] HUSBAND. Okay. I won't. [He reads the paper for about thirty seconds, while his wife just stands there, glaring at him] WIFE. Well?! HUSBAND. You said not to tell you I forgot. And I did. WIFE. I don't know why I married you. [The husband looks up from his paper] HUSBAND. Was it my irresistibility? [The wife gives a disapproving frown] WIFE. I don't think so, no. [The husband looks back to his paper] HUSBAND. Oh. WIFE. Look, just get out of the way, and let me use the phone. [She goes to the phone, which is on a small table behind the couch. She picks up the receiver] HUSBAND. I thought you didn't know the number. WIFE. I can ask the operator to put me through. HUSBAND. The operator. Right. WIFE. Hello, operator? I was wondering if you could put me through to the hospital....No, I don't know the number. [She pauses, then looks at the receiver in disgust] WIFE. Well, I've never been so insulted in my life! [She prods her husband in the back of the head with the receiver. He reacts, putting the paper down] WIFE. Here, dear. You talk to them. [The husband gets up, and goes around to the phone. He holds the receiver to his ear] WIFE. I don't like their attitude. HUSBAND. Hello?....Yes, I'm trying to get through to the local hospital....Well, you see, my son's been injured....Yes....Yes.... Yes....Yes....Yes....No....Yes....Yes....Right. Bye. [He puts the receiver back on the hook] HUSBAND. He said the number is 1. WIFE. 1?! Is that it? HUSBAND. Yes, that's it. Should I call? [The wife turns away] WIFE. I think so. [The husband picks up the receiver. The wife turns back] WIFE. I wouldn't want to be insulted again. [The husband puts the receiver to his ear] HUSBAND. Right. [He dials] HUSBAND. Hello....Yes, it's Herbert....Herbert Snuff.... [The wife looks behind her husband's right ear] husband.....Oh, sorry, wrong number. [He hangs up, and looks at his wife] HUSBAND. It was a wrong number, dear. WIFE. Herbert? HUSBAND. Yes, dear? [He goes back around to the front of the couch, and sits down] WIFE. I just noticed something. [The husband picks up the newspaper, and continues reading] HUSBAND. What is it? WIFE. You haven't been cleaning behind your ears, have you? [The husband doesn't even look up from his paper] HUSBAND. Not recently, no. WIFE. I've been married to you for twenty-five years.... HUSBAND. Twenty-six. [The wife comes around to the other side of the couch and sits down, almost in tears] WIFE. Twenty-six years, and this is how you repay me. HUSBAND. It's not that important. WIFE. Not that important?! I'll tell you what's.... [She stands up, and goes behind the couch, and starts pacing] WIFE.....not that important. This marriage is not that important. [Husband puts his paper down, and looks in his wife's direction] WIFE. And, it won't exist if things continue the way they are. HUSBAND. You can't leave me, Edwina! [He gets up, and goes back to behind the couch. His wife pulls out a handkerchief to dry her eyes] WIFE. This is how you show your love for me, is it? [The husband puts his hand on her shoulder,....] HUSBAND. Well.... [....but she pulls away] WIFE. I knew it! You've been seeing another woman, haven't you? HUSBAND. What on earth....? WIFE. That's it! [She pushes past her husband, and picks up the telephone receiver] WIFE. I'm calling the police!! HUSBAND. What?! [The wife hurriedly dials, for about twenty seconds, dialing about twenty numbers or more] WIFE. Hello....Police?....I'd like to report a criminal....He's being held at 16 Elmwood Avenue....How soon?....Right....Good bye. [She hangs up the phone] WIFE. They're coming round immediately. HUSBAND. You can't be serious! [The wife pushes past her husband again, on her way back to where she was before] WIFE. I'm perfectly serious, Herbert. HUSBAND. That's the problem, Edwina. You're always serious! [His wife turns back to face him] WIFE. I've had enough of you!! [She goes to hit him, but, in the nick of time, a head pops in through the window. It is the head of a man] MAN. Excuse me. [Husband looks very relieved] HUSBAND. Look, darling, we have a visitor. [He goes over to the window] HUSBAND. Can we help you? MAN. I'm looking for the nearest ear, nose and throat specialist. I just got my ear run over by a steamroller. HUSBAND. Oh, you poor man! [He bends down to look, but his wife pushes past, and places her hands on the window, as if to slam it shut] WIFE. Don't you dare! Get out of here, before I kill you too!! [The man exits, very hurriedly, just as the wife slams the window shut. She turns back to her husband with an evil grin on her face] WIFE. Right!! Now, I'll kill you!!! [Two police officers come out of the kitchen] OFFICER 1. Not if we have anything to do with it, madam. You see, we could then arrest you for murder. [The wife backs away, and tries to cover up her anger by laughing] WIFE. Hello, officers. [The other officer goes over to the husband] OFFICER 2. Is this the gentleman? WIFE. Yes, that's him. [The two officers grab him] OFFICER 1. Right, you're coming with us. [The husband struggles] HUSBAND. You don't understand!! She wants me arrested because I didn't wash behind my ears!! [The three of them begin to leave the room, as the wife sits down, puts her feet up, and reads the newspaper] OFFICER 2. Yeah, that's what they all say, sir. HUSBAND. But it's the truth! OFFICER 1. Save it for the station. OFFICER 2. Yeah, you're nicked. HUSBAND. No, I'm Herbert. Nick's my son. He's back in the house. You've got the wrong MAN. You'll be hearing from my solicitors about this. You can't keep me locked up forever, you know. I'm going to travel the world, and smoke big, long cigars with red stripes on them. [He is dragged out by the two officers] THE END