KITSCH, OR TWO FOR THE PRICE OF ONE by Trav S.D. Copyright c 1996 D. Travis Stewart All Rights Reserved Contact: Trav S.D. 650 Leonard Street Brooklyn, NY 11222 718-383-5242 FRONTISPEICE: THE SWITZERLAND SONG There's a place I know where the folks are in the gravy. Their banks are real well known, as is their lack of a navy. And I'll admit to one prejudice--I dislike anything Swiss. So take your chocolate and your cheeses and your army knives, Take your Family Robinson, the neutrality of your lives. Come all ye french and germans and you eye-talians, too. The Swiss have got no language of their own--they've taken theirs from you. They say there's been no war there since fifteen and fifteen. And every mountain villa boasts a most breathtaking scene. And every moat and castle is off of some post-card. And every snowed-in traveller gets his own St. Bernard. And if you took the Alps away and melted all the snow. The skiers and toboggoners would have no place to go. But I must admit that I don't believe all this, I still insist that I dislike the Swiss, with their leiderhosen pulled up past their shins. Everyone's got glockenspiels tucked underneath their chins. I'd like to beat each switzerlander with his own ski poles, For their chocolate's full of alcohol and their cheese is full of holes. I knew a man from Zurich whose job was cutting jewels. He'd work each day in his chalet with jewel-cutting tools. Tippy-tap and tappy-tip in his leather vest. "Cuckoo" went the cuckoo clock, he would not take a rest. A teeny-tiny music box, it played a simple tune. And that little man from Zurich-town amassed a small for-tune. Well, I wanna boo and I wanna hiss, when I think about him and all the other swiss, drinking cups of cocoa underneath the pines, all the while plotting out their evil swiss designs. Cranking out swiss watches and fancy leather shoes. we must stop them while we can, we got no time to lose. THE SWITZERLAND SONG (con'd) As an adolescent boy I read Herman Hesse. Why he moved to Switzerland is anybody's guess-ah. I used to think he was a german guy, but now I know the score. And I ain't readin' none of them books by Herman any more. The flings of youth, the follies--I could tell you tales, Of different indiscretions involving beers and ales. I will admit that I once enjoyed the bliss, Of a cognac swilling, most willing Swiss-Miss. She said her name was "Lotte", at least that's what she said. And she had these funny looking braids on each side of her head. "Lotta, Lotta," I would cry, "I need a lotta love." And she would smile and kiss my scarf, my goggles and my glove. But here's the thing that turned me on, that everyone respects. The one good thing about the swiss--she yodelled during sex. she yodelled during sex. There are those who see themselves as sons of william tell Men whose prime measure of time are the chimes on some village bell. Coarse and simple peasant folk, all of peasant born. Who like to blow their afternoons playing tunes on an alpenhorn, Whose only dream from birth to death is to always shep-herd, The many sheep and mountain goats with which this land is peppered. I can't resist the urge to dis, Such disambitious, dizzy fishes as the Swiss. who live to put on ice skates, it makes me say tsk-tsk. even when the wind is brutal-blowing, blizzard-like and brisk, Risking flu, pneumonia, accompanied by fev-ah. The hospital is full of them in the capitol Geneva. It's a land too backward for even the Nazis to take. Somebody ought to tell the swiss to jump into the lake. THE SWITZERLAND SONG (CON'D) There's a land I know where the men wear shorts in wint-ah. It's the kind of area that decent folks don't go in-tah. Where men are merely figurines and women merely toys, and they make quaint barometers out of little girls and boys. On the tree of human life they are a rotten branch. I'd like to wipe out all of them in one big avalanche. There is a great rumbling sound. Blackout on the singer. The avalanche sound segues into the sound of heavy artillary and exploding bombs. Lights up on the Prologue set. 1. Prologue: A placard stage left reads "The Kaiser Wilhelm Genetic Institute, Berlin, April 1945." The scene is the laboratory of Doktor Josef Mangler, head of the Institute. The room resembles a hospital maternity ward. There are eight bassinets in the room, each of which contains a squalling infant. The lab has remained miraculously unharmed by the war, but out the window, we see sporadic flashes of light. The sound of bombardment shakes the room. Doktor Mangler, a good looking man in his early thirties, enters, smoking a cigarette. Mangler wears a starched shirt, with a sharp tie, gold collar stays and an SS stick pin. His trousers are black. He wears jackboots. Over his clothes are a surgeon's smock. He also wears Nazi armbands. With Mangler is Doktor Kraus, a man in his mid-twenties. In contrast with Mangler, Kraus appears to be quite a civilian. He wears a simple brown suit, brown shoes. He carries a grey overcoat on his arm. As they enter, there is a particularly loud series of explosions outside. MANGLER (breezily) Ah! Such music! Kraus, have I ever told you my theory for ascertaining the national characteristics of armies as revealed through the music of their explosives? Listen: (an explosion) that's the Russian artillery. The shelling is regular, regimented, the rhythm of a well-tuned proletariat. If they weren't Slavs, one could almost call it German. (sound of bombs dropping) The American Bombers. Syncopated, erratic. The maniac makework of disorganized minds. If one listens carefully, one can hear Jews giving the orders and blacks pulling the levers. A cacophony. They call themselves Allies, the Russians and the Americans, but one can hear it in their explosions--they do not harmonize. Simultaneous sound of artillery and bombs dropping--an awful din. KRAUS Ah! Heaven agrees! Kraus, I want you to observe carefully, but take no notes. The less record of this, the better. You see before you four sets of Jew twins. These, I have injected with Typhus; these, diphtheria; these, small pox; and these, a little invention of my own, which I call German Measles, in honor of our Fuhrer, without whom none of these diseases would be possible. The new bug is more virulent than the garden variety strain. We'll see if it catches on. KRAUS I'll keep my fingers crossed. What are you using for a control, doktor? MANGLER We have no use for your "controls" in these experiments, Kraus. We have twins, eh! The object is to see if identical humans have identical reactions when introduced to the same bacillus. Pure research, you see? This war has given us a golden opportunity to open up entire new fields of research. My only fear is that we run out of twins, or war, before this work is concluded. KRAUS I don't wish to overstep my very tenuous position here, Herr Mangler...but wouldn't it be more methodical to inject all the babies with the same disease? That way you could see which individuals fight off the germ better, then try to replicate the superior genes. MANGLER Don't be absurd, Kraus. They're all twins! We've got to do...twin stuff! Your way, you could do these experiments on anybody! You see? Where's the logic? KRAUS Now I know why they let you run the institute. MANGLER No need to curry favor with me, Kraus. I'm no party hack. And speaking of hacking-- Enter a nurse, an old woman. NURSE Doktor Mangler... MANGLER What is it, Nurse? I specifically asked not to be...disturbed. I am not to be interrupted when I am at work. NURSE Forgive me, Herr doktor, but there is an even ruder interruption on the way. The Russians have just entered the city. They'll be here any minute. MANGLER Pig-dogs! Those fools at the front have really bungled it this time. (takes off his smock) Alright, I'm out of here. Kraus, I want everything destroyed. You understand? The records, the equipment, everything. This lab never existed. NURSE But your work, doktor. MANGLER It's all in my head. Everything's...in my head. KRAUS What about the twins? MANGLER Damn it, Kraus, I said destroy everything. Do I have to hold your hand? KRAUS Under no circumstances...Doktor. MANGLER Okay, then. This is just a momentary set back, friends. After all, the thousand year Reich is only twelve years old. By my calculations, we have nine hundred eighty eight years left to us. The work will continue once we push the Russians back to Moscow. For now, they hold the city, and I don't want our findings to wind up in the hands of Communists. Good luck. I'm counting on you. KRAUS Where are you going? MANGLER Argentina. Mangler exits. KRAUS You heard him. Burn everything. NURSE What about the babies? KRAUS I see no reason to punish them for the stupidity of lunatics. Get some help and take that bunch over to the Foundling Hospital in the Kronenstrasse. I'll bring the rest to the Swedish Church. They'll know what to do with them. NURSE But...won't we be splitting up the twins? KRAUS That's the idea. We want no evidence that these experiments ever happened. You understand? Doktor Mangler's confidence is admirable, but you know as well as I do that this war is lost. What you're looking at is a war crime, my dear, and they hang nurses just as well as people like me for participating in such things. If word gets out, it's all our necks. NURSE I understand. Thank you, Herr Kraus. You're a good man. KRAUS No, I'm not, but good luck to you anyway. Lights out on lab. Enter Narrator, wearing a large coat that goes down to his ankles. NARRATOR And so our story begins. One set of the infants made its way to the Foundling Hospital, in what later became the Russian sector of the city; and one set to the Swedish Church, in what later became the British sector. And never the twain did meet. They were sick at first, of course. But there were kindly sorts in both sectors who were able to nurse them back to health...though not without certain lasting and unfortunate disfigurements: pock marks, stunted growth, and, in one pair, a case of mild brain damage. In 1961, the wall went up, and our twins, now teenagers, became instilled with their sphere's respective heterodoxies. One group were now what was then known as West Berliners...westerners imbued with all that that entailed: a love for rock and roll music, coca cola and American blue jeans, with perhaps a certain unfortunate loss of their German-ness. The easterners, of course, became good Marxists, and, in their spare time, they read Hegel...except for the one with brain damage. Whatever natural curiosity they might have that would have taken them westward to their brethren had long since been squelched. It became highly unlikely that these four sets of twin brothers would ever be reunited. But each group of four remained close throughout the years. After all, they'd grown up together in their respective orphanages, and they were all exactly the same age. They looked out for one another. In the west, one of the twins grew rich and employed his brother orphans at the Klub Katzenratzen, a fashionable nightclub in the Kurfurstendamm. The other set of twins held fast to the party line. Perhaps out of a desire to belong to something, the need which we all have to know our place in (con'd) NARRATOR (CON'D) the world, which, of course, is exaggerated in all orphans. In fact, our eastern brothers were deemed so steadfast, so dependable in the international struggle that they eventually became trusted employees of the east german postal service, the most ruthless bureaucracy east of the iron curtain, except, of course, for the Albanian Registry of Motor Vehicles. Now it is 1989. State Chairman and Party Secretary Erich Honecker, under pressure from the Kremlin, has ordered to infamous Berlin Wall dismantled. On the night of November 9th, thousands of East Berliners jubilantly stream into the Western sector of the city through the various checkpoints. And here is where our story begins. For among those spirited revellers are four government observers, recently drafted from their jobs at the post office by the dread Staasi, or secret police, to keep tabs on their countrymen for that inevitable day when Gorbachev would come to his senses and put the wall back up...and a reckoning would come for those who ventured too far from the party line. My friends, those four east Berliners are now headed for the Ku'damm...and their twin brothers... ACT ONE scene one: The NARRATOR moves onto the main set, which has three units. Stage left, KLUB KATZENRATZEN, on the second floor of which is GELDHUND'S house, divided into two rooms. Center stage the SALVATION ARMY HEADQUARTERS. Stage right LULU'S LOVE SHACK, also two levels. Narrator goes into KLUB KATZENRATZEN, which is full of people, and takes the stage. He sheds his coat, and becomes the clown SCHAWMM. SCHWAMM (SINGS) You're in, you're in the City Of Sin. Jump in, if you think you've a tough enough skin. Sinners, Berliners-- They'll cheat you out of your dinners-- And then, they'll slip a Mickey Finn into your gin. To your chagrin, your head will start to spin--in West Berlin You'll see double, trouble-- They'll even steal the stubble-- From your chin, Prick you with a pin, Kick you in the shins. With a Satanic grin, They'll bleed you 'til you're thin, And you'll swear you have a twin... Doppelgangers follow you around. William Wilson's coming into town. There's a sucubus inside all of us. The thing to do is eat for two, Before it eats your guts. Doppelgangers--ha, ha, ha! Projection: Klub Katzenratzen, where the forces of bourguoise capitalism quietly fall asleep in their beers. DRUNK (with his hands over his ears) Stop the madness! Stop the madness! Ugh! Like cat's claws on glass! SCHWAMM You're welcome not to listen, my friend. DRUNK I'm no friend of yours, you big, goddamned, ruiner of eardrums. SCHWAMM Who's making the noise now, eh? The drunk stands up, ready to fight. DRUNK Hey! That's an insult! I know an insult when I hear one, and that's an insult, and I don't take that kind of guff, see? (to others) You heard him! He sings like a buzz saw! It's enough to drive a man to drink! SCHWAMM Everybody's a critic. GERHARDT GELDHUND, the owner of the club has just entered. Noticing the squabble he approaches "BABOON" MILCHSTEIN, the bouncer, who is guarding the door. GELDHUND Hey, (whistles) Baboon, we've got a dead one, you'd better go do your bit. MILCHSTEIN You got it, chief. MILCHSTEIN goes to the drunk and puts his hand on his shoulder. MILCHSTEIN There a problem, bub? DRUNK (looking in the other direction) Keep to yourself! (turns and sees Milchstein) Uh oh. MILCHSTEIN And if I don't? Permit me to show you the gutter. MILCHSTEIN forces the drunk toward the door. MILCHSTEIN We have a very nice gutter prepared for you this evening, with cozy rats for pillows and a blanket made of genuine wet paper bags soaked in urine. Here. Let me just turn down the bed for you. MILCHSTEIN throws the drunk offstage. HILDY enters the club. MILCHSTEIN Enjoy your stay at Klub Katzenratzen! (dusts off his hands) GELDHUND (counting money) 50, 60, 70...Where the hell's Vogelbaum? He's supposed to be running things down here...80, 90 HILDY How should I know? I don't concern myself with such matters. GELDHUND You don't, eh? What's this in my hands? Lettuce? HILDY I refuse to work for table scraps. GELDHUND Liberated, eh? Modern woman? HILDY That's right. GELDHUND You got me pegged. You must be the only woman in the civilized world who liberates herself by becoming a housewife and refusing to do any work. HILDY I'm no slave. GELDHUND Such logic. you could sell pin cushions to the porcupines. Why you won't work for me, I don't know. you'd really be something. HILDY Look, I need to talk to you. In private. GELDHUND It'll have to wait until Violet Vogelbaum gets back. HILDY This won't wait. GELDHUND What am I supposed to do, let the ship steer itself? HILDY This won't take a minute. GELDHUND There's no one policing the door. People are sneaks. They'll sneak in. HILDY Who's going to sneak in in a couple of minutes? Huns? GELDHUND Yes! Huns! They're opening the wall tonight. And it won't be a trickle. A Noah's Flood of easterners are going to gush over the wall into this sector with fists full of west marks...they're wet behind the ears and I aim to loosen their fingers. It could happen any minute. (rubs his hands greedily) HILDY Get Klaus. GELDHUND You must be mad. The dolt can't make change. HILDY That's good! The Easterners don't know the value of a west mark. He can just take whatever they've got. GELDHUND (kisses her jubilantly on the mouth) My dear, you are a natural resource -- an oil well. Your veins to tap: a privelege! Hang on, I'll be right back. GELDHUND goes offstage. Two people come to the door. MAN Two, please. HILDY takes the couple's money, pockets it, and stamps their hands. GELDHUND returns with KINDERMANN, who wears a dirty dishwasher's apron. KINDERMANN I'm not sure, Herr Geldhund. I'm not too good at these things. I'm happy washing dishes. GELDHUND That's good. I intend to take a bunch of people to the cleaners. KINDERMANN Good evening, Frau Geldhund. HILDY Hiya, Klaus. (to GELDHUND) You ready? GELDHUND A moment to breathe, if you please. (to KINDERMANN) Now, you just stand here. You understand? Don't leave this door. KINDERMANN Don't leave the door. GELDHUND That's right. And when people come, you just take their money, and stamp their hand, like this. (GELDHUND takes the stamp and stamps his own hand) Got it? KINDERMANN I think so. GELDHUND Of course you do. I have every faith in you. Now, my dear: as of this moment, I'm all yours. KINDERMANN How do you mean? GELDHUND I was talking to my wife. The GELDHUNDS go upstairs. A couple enters. MAN Two, please. KINDERMANN takes the man's money and proceeds to stamp his own hand. The man shrugs, and the couple enters the club. The focus of the scene now switches to the GELDHUND'S upstairs apartment. GELDHUND Now. What can be so vitally important that you drag me from my place of business like a turnip-sack? HILDY This party on the sixteenth... GELDHUND Jesus christ on a cross! HILDY It's important to me, Gerhardt. I've invited a lot of the top cheese. Big wigs. People who could move and shake their trinkets around for Klub Katzenratzen. When they come they mustn't find a hair out of place in this apartment, if you understand my meaning. GELDHUND Very well. What is it? You're going to skin me alive with this party. HILDY I want to make a good impression. That's all. And I look around this Taj Mahal of ours, and I realize that we don't have any art. GELDHUND No art? What do you call this? GELDHUND indicates a painting on the wall of dogs playing poker. HILDY Kitsch. Even dogs hate it. GELDHUND I think it's funny. HILDY I don't want funny art. I want art art. Art that expresses something. Emotions. (mimes a paint brush) A stroke here: my father beat me. A dab there: my mama dried my eyes. A dash of color: that's my uncle Freddy the insurance salesman! GELDHUND What the devil are you talking about? HILDY A.A. GELDHUND Yeah? I'll ship you off to A.A., if you don't start making some sense pretty damn quick. HILDY No! A.A. Autobiographical abstractionism. It's sweeping the city. GELDHUND Sweeping the city, eh? As befits the work of janitors. Where do you get this crap--autobiographical abstractionism. Don't you know it's a contradiction in terms? HILDY Don't waste your philosophy on me. GELDHUND I will! My philosophy is cash in hand, baby, and you get what you pay for. I paid good money for this, but I can see it and look at it, and see what I'm looking at... HILDY You're getting yourself worked up. Now listen to me very carefully: it's not what you think that's important. GELDHUND It's not? HILDY No. Think of all the VIPs we've invited. and then think of what they'd think. GELDHUND VIPs. I'd like to fill 'em full of VSOP and send 'em to AA PDQ. (pause) Very well. What do you propose? H'm? Suicide? HILDY No. Nothing quite so...entertaining. I was thinking more along the lines of purchasing a certain piece which I saw today at the Kunt Gallery. GELDHUND (goggle eyed) I beg your pardon? HILDY The Kunt Gallery? Don't tell me you never heard of the Kunt Gallery. GELDHUND Well, I have, but I don't think it's the one you're thinking of. HILDY It just opened. It's Kunst without the "s". GELDHUND That's an important "s" you left out. HILDY "The alphabetical is political". Benno Geistenhandler. GELDHUND That'll come in very handy if you're interested in liberating Sesame Street. HILDY Are you gonna get me this painting or not? GELDHUND Why should I? HILDY It's a genuine Beauregard. "After the Hunt", it's called. When the painter dies the painting's value will appreciate %4,000. GELDHUND (rubbing his hands together) %4,000! Are you sure? How do you know? HILDY I did my homework. I looked into it. You would have been very proud! GELDHUND Oh, I am, I am! And-? HILDY And my astrologer said it's going to go up %4,000. GELDHUND (mad) You know, you almost had me that time. HILDY What? She's very reliable. Come, you've said it yourself. What are speculators, investors of any sort but gamblers and astrologers? GELDHUND Yes, but if I'm to invest my money, I want one with a liscence from the state! HILDY But wait. All art appreciates when the artists dies, doesn't it? GELDHUND Of course! It's the law of supply and demand. HILDY Then it's a sure thing! GELDHUND You said %4,000! and what if he doesn't die for another thirty years? HILDY His reputation will grow and the painting will appreciate that much more. GELDHUND (pause) I'm not going to win, am I? HILDY you'll want to bring your checkbook. GELDHUND Where is this place? HILDY (hands him a card) Kunt Gallery. Ask for Deitrich. He'll show you the box. I just hope no one else snatches it up. GELDHUND Kunt. Box. Snatch. Got it. The focus of the scene switches downstairs, where VOGELBAUM enters with HEINZ. HEINZ Wait. I'm not finished. VOGELBAUM Must you? I'm very busy. HEINZ I wish to bring up this business of Snake. VOGELBAUM Truly, that can wait. HEINZ And yet, you haven't answered me satisfactorily. VOGELBAUM What do you want from me? An oath in blood? I haven't got any. I'm all tapped out. HEINZ I wouldn't be surprised. You've nothing but a dried fig where your heart should be. VOGELBAUM Who taught you that? A Turk? HEINZ Wouldn't you like to know? VOGELBAUM (occupied with receipts) I'm counting. HEINZ You won't like it if I do what I'm thinking, you know. VOGELBAUM Fine. HEINZ I've a mind to do what I talked about. VOGELBAUM Just as you wish. HEINZ I'm tempted to do what we discussed. VOGELBAUM You're a grown man. HEINZ I've given some thought to performing the activities I described earlier. VOGELBAUM Do whatever the hell you want, Heinz. HEINZ (pause) I suppose you'll give that painting to Snake, too. VOGELBAUM The painting is yours. I told you that with my mouth. I even painted a new painting that said, "Heinz, that first painting was yours!" HEINZ Then where is it? VOGELBAUM It's...where it is. HEINZ You promise? VOGELBAUM Doesn't everything always work out? HEINZ For you maybe. (pause) Who gave you that cap? VOGELBAUM I cannot take this. I'm out of here. enter GELDHUND. GELDHUND Vogelbaum, good, you're back. VOGELBAUM I'm leaving. GELDHUND What? This could be our fattest night ever! VOGELBAUM I have to go. I'll be back in an hour. GELDHUND That's what you said when you left here two hours ago! VOGELBAUM Heinz will watch things. He's almost vigilant. GELDHUND My god. Heinz, do you know what you're doing? HEINZ Vigilant, vigilant, I'm almost vigilant. GELDHUND Good. I'm glad you two agree about something. GELDHUND goes out. HEINZ goes behind the bar. MILCHSTEIN enters and mans the door. KINDERMANN goes behind the bar and takes a tub. He proceeds to gather dirty dishes from the tables. VOGELBAUM goes over to SCHWAMM. VOGELBAUM Hey, Schwamm. SCHWAMM I'm on a break so get off my back! VOGELBAUM Maybe you won't be so touchy when I tell you I'm just on my way to Lulu's. Wanna come? SCHWAMM Are you serious? VOGELBAUM This isn't for fun. I have to see someone. SCHWAMM I don't wanna come if it isn't for fun. VOGELBAUM Come on, please go with me. SCHWAMM Okay! VOGELBAUM goes over to HEINZ. VOGELBAUM I'm taking Kindermann. HEINZ (petulantly) Take, take. VOGELBAUM and SCHWAMM go over to KINDERMANN. VOGELBAUM Come on, Kindermann. I need you to carry something. KINDERMANN Gee, I hope it's not too big. My hands are like two soft paddles from all this dishwashing! VOGELBAUM A painting's not too big, is it? SCHWAMM Not one of yours! VOGELBAUM, SCHWAMM and KINDERMANN go. 2. The street, near a checkpoint between the sectors. Enter the four east Berliners, CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND, AGENT VOGELBAUM, AGENT MILCHSTEIN and AGENT KINDERMANN, all of whom are dressed in black leather trench coats and wear hats. The coats and hats are much, much too large. Projection: Near the storied Checkpoint Charlie we now make the acquaintance of a familiar-looking quartet. But looks aren't everything...for inside their chests, their hearts beat for the revolution! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Stand by for the roll call of the 188th investigative cell of the Staatssicherheitsdienst, known colloquially around Party headquarters as the Scum. Ready on my signal. Agent Kindermann. AGENT KINDERMANN Here. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Agent Milchstein. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Here. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Agent Vogelbaum. AGENT VOGELBAUM Here. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Chief Agent Geldhund here, all present and accounted for. Enter CHORUS OF DRUNKEN EAST GERMAN REVELLERS. CHORUS OF REVELLERS (singing) Three Cheers for Checkpoint Charlie! Hip hip hooray! Pass around the hops and barley, Drink to freedom and be gay! Exit CHORUS OF REVELLERS. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Look at them. Besotted with decadence before they even get out of the gate. It makes me sick. AGENT VOGELBAUM Looks like we've got our hands full. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND You're right. Full of dreck. It seems we have grossly overestimated the steadfastness of our comrades from the east, Comrades. If we were to do our jobs properly, we'd need an army of good men and women armed with people's notebooks. As it is, we'll restrict ourselves to general observations, and, of course, anything remarkable we encounter. Is that understood? AGENT KINDERMANN I can't write, Chief. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I know that, Kindermann. You just do what you always do. Report to one of us what you've seen. You're a good man. Every body trusts you. AGENT KINDERMANN Thanks, Chief. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Now, does anyone have any last minute questions? AGENT MILCHSTEIN Things look pretty rowdy. What happens if we get into a scrape? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND There are to be no scrapes, Milchstein. Is that understood? Believe me, no one wants to pummel their weak flesh more than I do, but we've got to maintain a low profile. If someone tries to provoke you, shrug it off. Walk away. I'm glad you brought it up. It just might happen. The wall comes down and everybody thinks they're off the hook, so they'll feel free to try anything. Our job is to notice who goes too far. Are we in agreeance? OTHER THREE Jawohl! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Excellent. I'm proud to be associated with all of you. This our big chance, guys. All our lives, we've worked and we've toiled, sorting, stamping, and censoring the mail of our countrymen, all for the good of the revolution. Now it's our turn to be on the front lines. Far too many of our comrades will be on the west side of the wall tonight than can reliably be watched by Staasi regulars. It's up to us. Socialism hangs in the balance. The fate of the workers rests in your hands, so no slip-ups. Remember how hard it must have been for Marx and Engels after the set-back of 1848... (sings) In London, England, long ago, every day you'd see 'em, Reading economics at the British Museum. And in the intervening time, their message has been mangled It's time to set the record straight, the truth of Marx and Engels. For half their native Germany has turned against the tide, And the blimp, good ship "Zeppelin" now has "Goodyear" on its side. They walked among the bouregoise Saxons, Jutes and Angles, But the English lie called "liberty" Was not for Marx and Engels. (spoken: From each according to his ability, to each according to his need. How's that gonna work if everybody can do whatever the hell he wants?) They'd pass before the Stock Exchange And it's labyrinthine tangles, But never once did they beg for change No beggars--Marx and Engels. (spoken: Just wait, the Capitalists will sell us the rope with which we will hang them.) But the blimp, good ship "Zeppelin" now peddles tires for the "Goodyear" Corporation. (spoken: Oh, but we'll get 'em!) CHEIF AGENT GELDHUND (con'd) The Capitalist, he has an eye For the main chance and the angle We gladly bid such men goodbye, Make way for Marx and Engels (spoken: Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!) Yet the merchants come and hawk their wares, And their coin it jingle-jangles. They buy their stocks and they buy their shares, While we buy Marx and Engels. (Spoken: In the figurative sense, of course. The men never made a penny off their work. ) Still the blimp, good ship "Zeppelin" goes around flashing "Goodyear" to the workers down below. (spoken: Ooh, it makes me so mad--shoot it down, I say! ) Hey, you Yankee Doodle Krauts You keep your Stars and Spangles! We know what NATO's all about Our pact's with Marx and Engels. (spoken:"Ich bin ein Berliner". What is that? It means, "I'm a coffee roll", anyway! So they give him a bridge!) You keep your Jefferson and Locke, And let the cowboys wrangle. The blimp is leaving from the dock-- It's bound for Marx and Engels. And the blimp, good ship "zeppelin" will have "Dictatorship of the Proletariat" printed on it's side...You'll see! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Vogelbaum? AGENT VOGELBAUM yes, sir. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I want you to take Kindermann here and head for the Kurfurstendamm. This is one of the most notorious strips in the city, and I fear it's where a great many people are headed. It's where all the bars and beerhalls are. So watch your step. People will be drunken and unruly. LIEUTNENANT VOGELBAUM Yes, Chief. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Very good. You're off. Exit AGENT VOGELBAUM and KINDERMANN. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Agent Milchstein. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Yes, sir. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I have some cash for you. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Is this a test, sir? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND No, no. I know you hate money as much as the next guy. I want you to check us in at the hotel. (hands him the money) It's the Berlin Hotel in the Lietzenburgerstrasse. You got it? Get four rooms...no, make that two rooms, with twin beds. We're spending the Republic's money. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Yes, sir. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND If they give you any difficulty, just give it right back. This is how these westerners do things. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Difficulty, sir? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Rooms may be scarce. They may give you some cock and bull about being full up. But they often lie about these things. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Isn't that unscrupulous, Chief? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Yes, but that should come as no surprise. After that, I want you to meet me back here. Take whatever notes you can along the way. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Understood, Chief. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND You have your orders. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Yes, sir. Exit AGENT MILCHSTEIN. Enter LIEUTENANT SMITH from the SALVATION ARMY HQ. She sets up a harmonium and begins to play LIEUTENANT SMITH (sings) Ringing up the Lord, Ringing up the Lord. I got this here bell and, It keeps me from hell and, I just wanna tell you-- I been ringing up the Lord! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND (looking at the sky ) Hmmmmm. It appears that we have a red moon tonight. LIEUTENANT SMITH Bah, red, white and blue! Have you come for the prayer meeting? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Prayer meeting? Uh...no. LIEUTENANT SMITH A pity. Big event inside. We're going to say prayers of thanksgiving to the God of hosts for destroying the Berlin wall. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND (laughs) So you think this wall is finished, do you? LIEUTENANT SMITH Oh, sure. Don't you? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Political opinions are like flatulence. Better kept inside. LIEUTENANT SMITH That's an unusal opinion. Possibly harmful. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND It's propelled me to some interesting places. LIEUTENANT SMITH The red side of the moon perhaps? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND It was a pleasure speaking with you, Fraulein. LIEUTENANT SMITH The offer to attend our meeting still stands. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I am afraid I must decline, Fraulein. LIEUTENANT SMITH Lieutenant. Lieutenant Sally J. Smith of the Salvation Army. But everybody calls me Salvation Sal. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Salvation Sal, eh? LIEUTENANT SMITH Salvation Sal. (sings) They call me Salvation Sal, I'm yer cavalry gal, If you've fallen, put a call in, then I'll be yer pal. I was raised up in Kentucky, and that's why I'm so plucky, Whiskey drinkin', dirty, stinking savior, Sister Sal. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Tell me, what's a nice American girl like you doing in Germany? LIEUTENANT SMITH Smith is really Schmidt. I was born to a problem gambler in Louisville at Derby time. Then my mother lost me in a bet with some white slave traders so I turned Yank. I grew up fast, but I never got mean. One day I heard the word of King Jesus and placed all my bets on him. I been singing like a bluebird ever since. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND What brought you back to the Fatherland? LIEUTENANT SMITH My father. General Lucas J. Schmidt, Salvation Army, Retired. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Retired? LIEUTENANT SMITH Well, dead. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Yes, that would put him on the sidelines for awhile. LIEUTENANT SMITH He found me in the saloon where I was tending bar at age thirteen and brought me back to Berlin, where I've been tending souls ever since. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Would you like to lay any bets as to whether or not the wall stays down? LIEUTENANT SMITH I don't believe in chance any more. I think God has a plan for us all. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND That's wise. I, too believe in a fate for mankind which is...predetermined. Good night, Lieutenant. LIEUTENANT SMITH But wait-! I didn't get your name! I don't know who you are! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND The name is...Casper. Casper Hauser. Exit CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND. LIEUTENANT SMITH Now, why don't I believe that? 3. the Kurfurstendamm. Projection: "Agents Vogelbaum and Kindermann get their first taste of freedom." Enter AGENT VOGELBAUM and AGENT KINDERMANN. AGENT VOGELBAUM Kindermann, do you have any money on you? AGENT KINDERMANN Some. AGENT VOGELBAUM Give it here. AGENT KINDERMANN Sir? AGENT VOGELBAUM Don't worry, I'll give it back. This sector of the city is riddled with charlatans and I don't want you to be cheated. AGENT KINDERMANN I don't know, sir. AGENT VOGELBAUM Look, it's not that I don't trust you to look after your own affairs. But you don't know these people like I do. They can take anybody, even me. But I'm somewhat wiser than you when it comes to these sharp practices. You're too trusting. It's not an order. I ask you as a friend. AGENT KINDERMANN (hands him the money) Very well. AGENT VOGELBAUM Good. It's safe with me. (pockets the cash) Well, pretty quiet so far, eh? Enter MARGRET, an enormous transvestite wearing a maid's uniform. MARGRET Hey, lover! AGENT VOGELBAUM Stay away from me, you ridiculous person. MARGRET Very funny. I know you well enough. You're always at Lulu's Love Shack. It's me, Margret! AGENT VOGELBAUM You must be mistaking me for somebody else. MARGRET And I know you, too. You're that dishwasher. AGENT KINDERMANN Dishwasher? Bah! I spit at them! MARGRET Well, to each his own. How about a great big smootchie wootchie kootchie? AGENTS VOGELBAUM AND KINDERMANN Ew! Ick! MARGRET It's for free! Everything's for free tonight! AGENT VOGELBAUM Leave us alone, or we'll be forced to call the police. MARGRET The police? Pssh, I've had half of them, too. You sure are in a jokey mood this evening. Will I see you later? AGENT VOGELBAUM Certainly not. MARGRET No? What about your nightly rendezvous with the Snake? AGENT VOGELBAUM I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about. MARGRET Oh, Snake won't like to hear that. AGENT VOGELBAUM I couldn't possibly care less what your Snake thinks. I am not acquainted with the creature. MARGRET Oh. Oh, dear. This is terrible news. I must tell him at once. MARGRET goes into Lulu's Love Shack. AGENT VOGELBAUM Astounding. Well, it's obviously not east german, but I'm taking notes, anyway. AGENT VOGELBAUM begins scribbling in a notebook. AGENT KINDERMANN This must be some scheme that the capitalists have to scare off the newcomers. AGENT VOGELBAUM All the better for our side. It just might work. enter SNAKE from Lulu's Love Shack, deeply distraught. He has tattoos all over his body. SNAKE Here, here, what's all this? You're not coming to see me? AGENT VOGELBAUM H'm...an elaborate scheme. SNAKE I don't know what you mean by any scheme, but I do know that I'd hate to lose you as a client. You're one of my best customers. AGENT KINDERMANN I think he wants you to buy something. AGENT VOGELBAUM What is it you sell? SNAKE Oh, I see! This is a game! very amusing. But you really must come by this evening. Margret's cooked up some pornographic pastries and they're out of this world. AGENT KINDERMANN Oh, it's a bakery. AGENT VOGELBAUM A strange bakery, indeed, that hires sissies. SNAKE No need to get personal. AGENT VOGELBAUM Look here, Snake. Why don't you slither on back to your hole? SNAKE I don't understand. have I done something to displease you? AGENT VOGELBAUM I've already told you. I'm not interested in any pastries. SNAKE Oh, for heaven's sake, you don't have to eat the bloody pastries. I only thought you'd be up for some fun. We don't have to do anything, if you're not in the mood. I could give you a nice massage. Come on inside. It's all freebies tonight. AGENT VOGELBAUM (to Kindermann) This bears watching. I know we have our orders, but these people may have already snared some of our countrymen. We'd better go in and have a look around. AGENT KINDERMANN I don't know if that's wise, sir. These people seem pretty exotic. AGENT VOGELBAUM All the more reason to be curious, eh? I bet that's just what some of our comrades thought when they were solicited in this manner. Besides, I could do with a massage. (to SNAKE) Alright, stranger, we'll take that bet. SNAKE How funny you talk this evening! very well. Walk this way! SNAKE heads for Lulu's Love Shack. AGENT KINDERMANN follows, duplicating his walk exactly. AGENT VOGELBAUM strikes him on the back. AGENT VOGELBAUM Don't do that. AGENT KINDERMANN When in Rome... 4. Klub Katzenratzen. MILCHSTEIN is at the door. HEINZ comes over. Projection: 47% of all bourgeoise marriages end in divorce. HEINZ How we doing, Baboon? MILCHSTEIN It's unbelievable. We're raking it in. I wouldn't believe it if I didn't feel it with my own fingers. HEINZ These people haven't cracked a smile in fifty years. I'm only too happy to pry open their butt cheeks -- so long as they shit money. Give me what you got. and I'll keep it safe in the safe. MILCHSTEIN gives money to SNAKE, who takes it behind the bar. Enter HILDY, who goes to the door. HILDY Is my husband back yet? MILCHSTEIN No, ma'am. HILDY ach. I knew it. With all this bread burning a hole in his pocket he's gotten a beakful of booze and forgotten completely about the painting by now. Would you do me a favor? MILCHSTEIN Sure. HILDY Get him. (hands him a card) Here's where he was headed. MILCHSTEIN The Kunt? HILDY know where that is? MILCHSTEIN Unless they moved it. HILDY The clock's ticking. MILCHSTEIN heads out into the street. In front of the SALVATION ARMY, he encounters CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Milchstein! MILCHSTEIN Hey, I was just looking for you. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Very effective. MILCHSTEIN What's that? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND You've gone undercover by putting on the two piece lizard skin of the dinosaur capitalist. MILCHSTEIN I dunno. I'm not up on these fashions. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND How do those rooms look? MILCHSTEIN (searching his memory) Rooms... CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Yes, did they give you any problem over at the hotel? MILCHSTEIN I don't remember. I don't think you sent me to let any rooms, Geldhund. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND What is this, some kind of joke? How dare you address me in that casual manner! MILCHSTEIN Kinda like this! (flips him the bird) CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Dumbkopf! In West Berlin not two minutes and already the laxity of the place has a hold on you. You've stolen that money, haven't you? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND slaps MILCHSTEIN on the face. MILCHSTEIN (stunned) Hey, watch it now... CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND No, you watch it, milchstein, because when we get back home there's going to be some accounting to do. Friendship is one thing, but that wasn't my money. MILCHSTEIN You mean that check you gave me to give to the brewer? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND You gave our money to a brewer? This is intolerable, Milchstein. You're going to pay dearly for this. MILCHSTEIN Hey, I thought I told don't call me Milchstein. Nobody calls me that. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Pig! Have you completely lost your mind?! MILCHSTEIN Oh, I see. Okay. You've had a few too many. Come on, I'll take you home. Your wife is looking for you. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND My wife knows very well where I am and what I'm doing. I think you're the one who's gotten drunk, and you're staying with me where I can keep an eye on you. MILCHSTEIN Well, you're the boss. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND That's right. I am the boss, as you call it. Now, let's go. We've got work to do. MILCHSTEIN Oh, that's right. We've got to get that painting. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND So now you want to buy paintings! I'm afraid I'm going to have to put you under arrest. MILCHSTEIN God, give a guy a leather coat and he thinks he's a Nazi. 5. Kurfurstendamm, outside Lulu's Love Shack. SNAKE steps outside and smokes a cigarette. Enter VOGELBAUM, SCHWAMM and KINDERMANN, who is carrying a rolled-up painting. Projection: "When I hear the word 'art', I reach for my pistol" -- Lennon. SNAKE Herr Vogelbaum! Didn't I just leave you inside? VOGELBAUM Nope. SNAKE Hey, Schwamm. SCHWAMM Hay is for horses. VOGELBAUM I brought you a little gift. SNAKE A gift? For me? VOGELBAUM That worm Heinz won't stop riding me about our little arrangement, so I thought I'd really get his goat by giving this to you. It's supposed to be for him. SCHWAMM It's the thought that counts! SNAKE Ah. So that's why you were acting so strangely before. VOGELBAUM Yeah, I admit I've been somewhat out of sorts lately. SNAKE Well, now that you've got the boys with you, why don't I get Margret to cook us all some shaved steak. SCHWAMM by all means. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's a hairy steak. VOGELBAUM I'll be back in a little while. I have to check in at the club every so often, or Geldhund has a cow. Klaus, I want you to go with Snake and take that painting up to his apartment. KINDERMANN Sure thing. VOGELBAUM But get back soon. You too, Schwamm. I'm sure the band is tired of vamping without you. SCHWAMM yeah, yeah. VOGELBAUM Put the whole thing on my tab. SCHWAMM Yeah! Yeah! Exit VOGELBAUM. The others go into Lulu's Love Shack. END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 1. Klub Katzenratzen. HILDY is still at the door. Enter MILCHSTEIN. Projection: In which the Baboon is made to spin on his heels by the domineering hausfrau Geldhund. HILDY Baboon, thank god. You've been gone forever. Did you find my husband? MILCHSTEIN yes, but you're not gonna like it. HILDY What is it? MILCHSTEIN I don't know. He's gone nuts or something. He was acting very peculiar. HILDY I told you he was out drinking! he's drunk! Why didn't your bring him back? MILCHSTEIN Because he's not drunk! You think I work in a bar and I don't know what drunk is? I'm telling you, he's screwy. First he called me Milchstein, then he started hitting me, and then he acted like he thought he was putting me under arrest. HILDY Arrest? What for? MILCHSTEIN Something about some money or other. I couldn't make heads or tails of it. I had to punch him one and make a run for it. HILDY Something's fishy about all this. He left here with a brick of bills in his hands to buy that painting. It's obvious he's pissed it all away somehow and he's trying to pin the donkey on you. Don't worry, though. If it's his word against yours, I'll take yours. He's got too many old conquests holed up in this neighborhood. MILCHSTEIN So he's not crazy, he's just faking it. I should have figured that out. I've known him a lot longer than you have. HILDY Yes, but you're not his wife. He's got no reason to lie to you. Go tell him I know he's out there looking up skirts and I want to see him. MILCHSTEIN I already tried that. HILDY As a favor to me, try again. MILCHSTEIN And if he won't come? HILDY Twist his arm behind his back until he cries, and then drag him back by the dangling limb once you've dislocated his shoulder. MILCHSTEIN Can do. 2. Outside Lulu's Love Shack. Enter AGENT VOGELBAUM and AGENT KINDERMANN from Lulu's Love Shack. Projection: How the sponge got soaked. AGENT VOGELBAUM Strange place indeed where they fill you with pastry, give you a massage and then hand you a painting. AGENT KINDERMANN He says he wants it touched up. AGENT VOGELBAUM Well, keep it. It's contraband of war. Enter SCHWAMM. SCHWAMM A fine thing indeed to keep me waiting like this. AGENT VOGELBAUM Oh, god, it's another one. SCHWAMM They said they wouldn't feed me until you footed the bill. Apparently the food is one thing that's not free this evening. AGENT VOGELBAUM I don't know you, I have no idea what you are talking about. SCHWAMM The hell you don't. Drag me all the way over here from the club and then ditch me. I've a good mind to inform Heinz of your activities. AGENT VOGELBAUM By all means, tell whoever you like whatever you like, just stay away from me. Whatever you have may be communicable. SCHWAMM I resent that insinuation. I'll have you know I've been thoroughly tested. AGENT VOGELBAUM I was referring to a mental examination. (to AGENT KINDERMANN) The man is obviously completely loony. SCHWAMM I'm rubber, you're glue. AGENT VOGELBAUM You see? He's having hallucinations! SCHWAMM That's it! I'm telling Heinz the whole thing. And from now on, I don't even know you! exit SCHWAMM. AGENT VOGELBAUM (shouting after him) You already don't know me! (to Kindermann) Do you think there's an epidemic? AGENT KINDERMANN I'm told money carries diseases. AGENT VOGELBAUM Most astute. Take that thing and stow it in our rooms. It's the Berlin Hotel. here, I'll write it down for you. AGENT VOGELBAUM writes address in his notebook, rips off the page, and hands it to AGENT KINDERMANN. AGENT KINDERMANN Can't read. AGENT VOGELBAUM Then ask somebody. Berlin Hotel. Okay? And go straight there. You've seen how these people can be. AGENT KINDERMANN Yes, sir. 3. Klub Katzenratzen. Enter SCHWAMM. HEINZ goes up to him. Projection: In which Schwamm turns whistle-blower. HEINZ Well, it's about time. I'm sick of listening to the disco on the juke box. SCHWAMM I've just come from Lulu's Love Shack. HEINZ Some of us don't have to pay for it. SCHWAMM I saw somebody there. HEINZ (smoldering) So? SCHWAMM I saw him there with Snake. And I think you'll be interested to know that I distinctly saw Kindermann carrying a painting. SCHWAMM First I'll kill him. Then I'll kill him. Enter VOGELBAUM and KINDERMANN. SCHWAMM Here's your chance. HEINZ Which should I do first? SCHWAMM Kill him. HEINZ and SCHWAMM goes over to VOGELBAUM. HEINZ (casually) So, uh, having a pleasant evening? EPSETIN So far. HEINZ What's this I hear about Lulu's Love Shack? VOGELBAUM I don't know. what did you hear about Lulu's Love Shack? HEINZ Everything. VOGELBAUM Everything, huh? Sounds like a boring story. HEINZ Oh, not the way I heard it. VOGELBAUM Well, so far it's a real yawn. HEINZ Maybe you don't know what I know. VOGELBAUM What do you know? HEINZ Just what Schwamm told me. VOGELBAUM Oh, yeah? And just what did you tell him, Schwamm? SCHWAMM I told him what I told you I'd tell him. VOGELBAUM What? You didn't tell me you'd tell him anything. SCHWAMM Oh, yes I did. And it serves you right for taking off on me, Vogelbaum. I told you I'd blow the whistle on you and Snake, and now I've done it. VOGELBAUM When did you tell me this? In your dreams? SCHWAMM I didn't dream seeing you in front of Lulu's Love Shack fifteen minutes ago. VOGELBAUM yes, you did, because I wasn't at Lulu's Love Shack fifteen minutes ago. HEINZ Well, that's beside the point. Did you give my painting to that slab of meat Snake or didn't you? VOGELBAUM I did. HEINZ I see. VOGELBAUM I did it to teach you a lesson, Heinz. You don't own me. Nobody owns me. SCHWAMM Of course not. You're a wolf. No one owns wolves. Even the keeper in the zoo must leave the bucket of meat and run for it. HEINZ Beat it, Schwamm. SCHWAMM Well. I know when I'm not wanted. Schwamm joins the band onstage. They play softly in the background. VOGELBAUM Look, it's just a painting. HEINZ It's just as Schwamm says. You haven't an ounce of sensitivity. VOGELBAUM What does Schwamm know about sensitivity? He'd cut off a hunk of your flesh with a knife and eat it if he knew he could get away with it. HEINZ Mr. Judgemental! VOGELBAUM Alright. So I'm perverse and I'm cruel. Is that what you want to hear? HEINZ More. VOGELBAUM Giving away a painting which I promised you to a street hustler was a pretty low thing to do. HEINZ And? VOGELBAUM And...irresponsible. HEINZ And? VOGELBAUM And that's about it. HEINZ And you think you'll get it back for me. VOGELBAUM Uh, that's not such an easy thing to do, you know. Snake isn't the nicest person in the world. HEINZ Then you shouldn't be having anything further to do with him. Should you? Should you? VOGELBAUM No, and I'll begin by staying away from him this very night! HEINZ You'll begin tomorrow, after you've retrieved for me the painting. VOGELBAUM Very well. Focus of the scene switches to the stage. SCHWAMM (sings) Come on over here and I'll tell you a thing or two They call me doppelganger, I got a brother just like you We often go to parties, we often like to mix. We eat chex and pretzel sticks and we try to pick up chicks. SCHWAMM (con'd) We drink puchbowls full of punch and thirty pound h'ors d'eurves We inject ourselves with cyanide, it helps us calm our nerves We wear our finest threads, we pull the proper strings We dance until we're dead, then we're buried with the kings. I'm sure you must have seen us, we wear a horse costume Browsing through the marketplace of a sunday afternoon. I'm sure you must have seen us, I'm sure you must have eyes. I'm sure you told your family you'd seen the doppelganger guys. 4. Lulu's Love Shack, where VOGELBAUM and KINDERMANN are now arriving. SNAKE steps out. Projection: The Snake retreats to his hole. SNAKE Back for more punishment, eh? VOGELBAUM I'm sorry to have to do this, Snake, but I'm going to have to take that painting back. SNAKE I don't understand. Take it back where? VOGELBAUM Take it back from you. Heinz is screaming bloody murder, and if I want to have any peace, I'm going to have give him that painting. SNAKE Vogelbaum, you want some personal advice? Stop smoking that hemp. It's bad for the mind. You're gonna wind up like him. (points to Kindermann) KINDERMANN Hey! VOGELBAUM Don't listen to him, Kindermann. (to Snake) Let's have it. Where did you put it? SNAKE I'm serious. Your memory appears to be shot. I gave it to you a short while ago to be touched up. VOGELBAUM Not funny. Not funny at all. First of all, what does a street hustler know about touching up art, and second of all, you're lying, because that never happened. Now hand over the painting. SNAKE I tell you, I haven't got it. VOGELBAUM That painting is very important to my well being, Snake. If you're holding it because of the money I owe you, fine, we can settle up right now. SNAKE Come to think of it, you do owe me a little money. VOGELBAUM (hands Snake some bills) here. SNAKE (sticks money down his pants) Thank you. VOGELBAUM Now let's have the painting. SNAKE Haven't got it. VOGELBAUM Snake, don't make me angry, please. A man has friends! SNAKE Fine. I have friends, too. And you can bring your friends and I'll bring my friends and we'll all have a big rumble and in the end we'll wind up with just a lot of black eyes because I still don't have your bloody painting! VOGELBAUM What did you do, sell it? SNAKE Sell it! Right! Who would buy that atrocity? You couldn't paint your way out of a stall in a men's room! VOGELBAUM That does it, Snake. I mean business. SNAKE Business. That reminds me. I have a job to do. Excuse me, gentlemen. SNAKE goes into Lulu's Love Shack. VOGELBAUM He thinks I'm playing around, but I'm not. Kindermann, go get the Baboon. He'll knock some sense into that thick skull of his. I'm going in there and see what the hell is going on. VOGELBAUM goes into Lulu's Love Shack. KINDERMANN (to audience) I can't remember when I've ever gotten so much excercise! exit KINDERMANN. 4. The street. AGENT MILCHSTEIN enters and bumps into CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND. Projection: Pinched! AGENT MILCHSTEIN Chief Agent! I've been looking all over. I've gotten us all checked into the Berlin. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Ah, so you finally came to your senses, eh? But that still doesn't blot out the fact that you hit me. I'm afraid that's going to have to go in my report. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Chief Agent Geldhund, I would never hit you in a million years! You're my Chief Agent! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND It's too late to make up now. But if you do your duty during the remainder of our reconnaissance, it may go down well for you. AGENT MILCHSTEIN I don't understand, sir. Are you unhappy with me for some reason? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Don't try pulling that one on me, Milchstein. I know only too well how to play games with the truth. I have a memory. And a sore spot on my chin. I wouldn't have believed it of you, Milchstein. We're old friends. AGENT MILCHSTEIN But, Chief Agent. That's what I keep trying to tell you. I never hit you on the chin. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND slaps AGENT MILCHSTEIN on the face. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I've had it up to here. Look forward to the cooler because that's where you're going when we get back. AGENT MILCHSTEIN (to audience) I hear there's more oxygen in the west. Less pollution. It goes to the head. Enter HILDY and LENI. HILDY There you are. You ought to be ashamed. The both of you. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I don't believe I've had the pleasure, madam. HILDY Oh, you've had the pleasure, alright, only not with me. Milchstein, I thought you were supposed to bring him back. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Milchstein, do you know this woman? AGENT MILCHSTEIN I never met her before in my life. HILDY Oh, so you're both in on it, eh? LENI The very idea. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND She appears to know your name, Milchstein. AGENT MILCHSTEIN On my word, I have no idea how she got it. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND (quietly to Milchstein) I think maybe our counterparts in the west are wise to us. You'd better keep a tight lip. HILDY You bet your right cheek I'm wise to you. Fooling around with some slut, when I'm planning this whole party to make you look like a big shot! Why do I bother? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I'm sure I don't know. HILDY (to Milchstein) And you! I thought I told you to twist his arm! AGENT MILCHSTEIN I swear, sir, I know nothing about it. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Milchstein, did this woman put you up to punching me? AGENT MILCHSTEIN N-n-no, sir. Of course not! HILDY Punch him, h'm? Is that all you did? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Milchstein, it sure sounds to me like you're in cahoots with this woman. HILDY Oh, don't you worry about that. He's obviously taken your side. He's even let you start calling him Milchstein! AGENT MILCHSTEIN That's my name. HILDY Yeah, well, if you're not careful, I'll start calling you it. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Please do! HILDY Well, now that you've had your day's fun, let's go. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND And where would we be going? HILDY Home, of course! You got somewhere else to go? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Ah, yes. "Home". very well. If you insist. HILDY I do insist. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND (quietly, to MILCHSTEIN ) I'm going to humor her, Milchstein, and see what I can find out. You have a considerable amount of explaining to do. AGENT MILCHSTEIN I swear, sir. These people must have ESP! END OF ACT TWO. ACT THREE 1. Before Klub Katzenratzen. CHORUS OF EAST GERMAN REVELLERS comes in, kicking up a ruckus. Enter GELDHUND from other direction. He is tipsy, drinking beer from a bottle. Projection: In which Gerhardt Geldhund makes the first of several bad bargains. GELDHUND Hey! Hey! East Berliners? CHORUS Yeah, yeah, etc! GELDHUND Alright! (toasting) Let's hear it for the City of the Bear! CHORUS To the City of the Bear, Prost, etc! Everyone drinks. GELDHUND (toasting) To the city of the beer! CHORUS (laughing) To the city of the beer, Prost, etc! Everyone drinks. CHORUS (toasting) To getting shit faced! CHORUS AND GELDHUND (laughs) To getting shit-faced! Everyone drinks. GELDHUND Listen up, everyone! I'm Gerhardt Gelhund, this is my club here. You go on in and tell 'em I sent you. Drinks are on the house for all East Berliners! CHORUS Yeah! Alright! etc. (toasting) To Herr Geldhund! To Herr Geldhund, Prost, etc! The group goes into Klub Katzenratzen. Enter KUNST, the art dealer. KUNST I couldn't help overhearing. Are you Herr Geldhund? GELDHUND That's my name, don't wear it out. KUNST I'm Deitrich Kunst. Your wife mentioned an interest in purchasing a painting in my gallery. A Beauregard, I believe. GELDHUND Jesus christ on a cross, I completely forgot. I was supposed to come by and buy it from you. KUNST Oh? Excellent, excellent. You'll love it. It's quite a thing to look at. GELDHUND I'm sure it is. KUNST But you'll want to act fast. I wouldn't be surprised if it goes tonight. There's a show happening right now. GELDHUND Blast! I don't have my checkbook. She'll hang me out to dry if I bungle this. Where can I meet you? KUNST You can come by the gallery if you like. We'll be going to two, three in the morning. GELDHUND Great. I'll see you there then. A pleasure to meet you. GRUYTEN Mutual. Goodbye. Exit KUNST. GELDHUND goes to door of club, where MILCHSTEIN is. GELDHUND A banner night for old Klub Katzenratzen, eh, buddy? MILCHSTEIN I've got a bone to pick with you,. Geldhund. GELDHUND You getting pooped? By all means, take a break. Go have a drink at the bar! MILCHSTEIN It's one thing to boss me around, and another thing getting slapped, but I don't like being called Milchstein. GELDHUND No one does! MILCHSTEIN I'm dead serious. I don't care what kind of games you play with your wife, but if you call me Milchstein, I'll make mince meat of you. GELDHUND Here, here, what way is this for old friends to talk? I know how you feel about that. I wouldn't do it! I'd be crazy to. You're twice my size! That's why they call you the Baboon! MILCHSTEIN You can't downplay a thing like this. I've always trusted you. But that routine of yours was way too much. GELDHUND Like I said, take a break. You're not making too much sense. MILCHSTEIN You want me to quit? because that's what I'll do! GELDHUND Quit? why would you quit? You're my best employee! MILCHSTEIN That's why I feel I deserve better treatment. GELDHUND I guess I must have been short with you without realizing it. I'm sorry, Baboon. I've been in high spirits. MILCHSTEIN You apologize then? GELDHUND Of course. MILCHSTEIN very well. As long as you take it back, I'm willing to let bygones be bygones. GELDHUND We'll pretend it never happened. (to himself) It never happened, anyway. (to Milchstein) Come on upstairs. I have some good cognac I keep stashed for making up with people. MILCHSTEIN What about the door? GELDHUND Let it slide, man! I'm willing to lose a few marks in the name of world peace. MILCHSTEIN (to himself) Guy's schizo. GELDHUND and MILCHSTEIN go up the stairs to his apartment. Focus of scene switches there. Inside one room of the apartment are HILDY, CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND and LENI, eating dinner. In the outer chamber, AGENT MILCHSTEIN is guarding the door. GELDHUND tries the door, but it is locked. GELDHUND What the hell? (shouting) Hey! It's me! Let me in! AGENT MILCHSTEIN Sorry. It'll have to wait. They're eating dinner now. GELDHUND What the hell is going on here? This is my house! Now open the door. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Sorry, but I have my orders. GELDHUND Orders? Who the hell is this? Baboon, what do you know about this? MILCHSTEIN Not a thing. I think your wife came in with somebody but I wasn't paying much attention. GELDHUND (bangs on the door) Goddamn it, let me in! I pay the rent, and I won't be locked out of my own house! HILDY Who is it, Milchstein? AGENT MILCHSTEIN beats me. Says it's his house. HILDY I love living over a bar. You meet so many interesting drunks. (shouts) Go away! MILCHSTEIN Something's the matter with her. She thinks you're somebody else. GELDHUND She has these episodes sometimes. Going through the change, you see. (shouts) Honey, it's me. Now be reasonable. Who's that man in there with you? HILDY Pay no attention to him, Milchstein. GELDHUND (flabbergasted) Did she just call him "Milchstein"? MILCHSTEIN Better him than me. GELDHUND Seems someone is masquerading as you. She may be in trouble. Break the door down. MILCHSTEIN I'd advise against. It may cause an awful scene. Somebody might call the cops. I think you'd better face facts, Geldhund. She's throwing a party in there. GELDHUND Well, she better save me some cake, that's all I can say. Meanwhile, in the apartment, HILDY is trying to get CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND to remove his trench coat. HILDY Come on, take it off! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND No, thank you, I prefer to keep it on. HILDY Well, unbutton it, at least. GELDHUND (overhearing) I wouldn't believe it if I didn't hear it with my own ears. MILCHSTEIN You said it yourself, she's going through the change. GELDHUND Yeah, well, she'll be changing her last name before too long. Come on. 2. Lulu's Love Shack. GELDHUND arrives with MILCHSTEIN. LULU, a whore, greets them. Projection: The virtues of life under a barter economy. LULU Geldhund, my darling. I haven't seen you in a dog's age. GELDHUND Well, it's been a long time since I felt like doing a dog's deeds. How has your business been? LULU I've had to turn them away at the door. This is the first break I've had all evening. But, for you, of course, I'll make an exception. GELDHUND You know Baboon. LULU Oh, yes. Hello, Baboon. How's that ass of yours -- still round and purple? MILCHSTEIN It's hard to see from this angle. LULU I bet it is. You're a big boy! MILCHSTEIN Isn't it exciting? LULU Don't flatter yourself. MILCHSTEIN No, I mean what's going on, the East Berliners. LULU Oh. Yes. Most exciting. The coffers of Lulu's Love Shack are overflowing. MILCHSTEIN Yes, but what about world peace? LULU Peace! Try piece of ass. They're one and the same thing. You men haven't got it very long before you're hungry again and begin to whine and snarl like drooling dogs. The east germans. They're just trying to get rid of all the troublemakers. When the ossis have all spilled in here, the GDR will bang the door shut behind them, and then we'll be stuck with them. How's that? These communists are the same as the rest of you men. (CON'D) LULU Promise the moon when you've really got a rocket in your pocket. We think things are looking up, then you pin you us down on the carpet. Then you do it to us: doggy style. Through the back door, baby. And all we have to show for it is an elastic asshole. (sings) With a mighty blast from Joshua's horn, The walls of Jericho fell. But since that wall has come to fall-- You think that particular nation is doing so well? well, well, well...(con'd) Listen, all you optimists! That's no way to be! I think you need optometrists-- You obviously cannot see, all you people who go around saying... "Where there's a will, there's a way" This could get you killed--it could happen today! You think it's true, and so you try. You try and do, but you'll still die. "Where there's a will, there's a way"--hah! You will get gross, you will get grey. And though today you might feel strong, See, life is short, no, it's not long. Where there's a will, there's a whim. A person with vigour, a person with vim. The kind of person who does not care-- They'll build their castles up in the air. Where there's a will, there's a worm Who needs to feast on the infirm. Well, it's early to bed and early to rise. One day you'll be dead and covered in flies. LULU Where there's a will, there's a weight. A-lyin' back in a wooden crate. Six foot down in a mound of earth. Where there's a will, there's that much worth. those of you with flippers, those of you with stumps throw out those ballet slippers, you ain't never gonna jump. those of you with visions, those of you with dreams brace up for collisions, you'll soon be hearing screams. Where there's a will, there's a whiff, Of one grown cold, of one grown stiff. Of a light gone out, of a life grown cold. Of a race that's run, of a tale that's told. Where there's a will, there's a wage. You will get ill, one day you'll age. One day you'll whither, one day you'll wilt. Even headstones start to tilt. Where there's a will, there's a wall You might scale, but you're bound to fall. Though you might feel you cannot fail, It's plain as day you won't prevail. GELDHUND That's pretty cynical. LULU It's a round-ass world. Who wants to be startin' trouble with the boy who shoots the arrows? GELDHUND Actually, that's what I came to see you about. LULU Yes, I figured. GELDHUND But you've kind of made me change my mind. LULU Tonight, Geldhund, I can afford to lose customers. MILCHSTEIN what about the candy shop? GELDHUND the candy shop? MILCHSTEIN I believe you said something about owing me one. GELDHUND (to LULU) what kinda taffy you have on tap? LULU just a minute. i'll get my boy. (dials number on phone, then hangs up) that's the snake's beeper. he'll be back in a flash with the stash. GELDHUND (to MILCHSTEIN) you have one choice, a single portion. and don't ask me for another. MILCHSTEIN yes, papa. enter SNAKE with a briefcase. GELDHUND say, that is quick. LULU show these men your wares. SNAKE flings open briefcase revealing a variety of drugs, attractively arrayed. MILCHSTEIN (rubbing his hands together) ooh, simple simon! SNAKE One stop shopping. we aim to please. MILCHSTEIN eenie, meenie, miney, mo-- GELDHUND no, no, no. you're the consumer, Baboon. you've a right to make an informed choice. (to SNAKE) Tell us about your product. SNAKE (holds up a vial) Purple Sunshine. one part ecstacy and one part vitamin e. You'll live longer but go senile sooner. GELDHUND What else? SNAKE (holds up another vial) THX-1138. It gives you the sensation of being in a cool, air conditioned room, sitting in a plush armchair, drinking a glass of ice tea. GELDHUND I can already do that. The drug sounds a little redundant. SNAKE Well, we don't sell a lot of that one. GELDHUND Next. MILCHSTEIN (holding up a baggie of cocaine) what's this? SNAKE ah, the man knows quality. that's cocabamba blue flake. it's good, but it'll cost you. MILCHSTEIN that's our meat. GELDHUND is this some conspiracy with my wife to wring me dry? MILCHSTEIN oh don't give me that. you're richer than god. GELDHUND I didn't get that way by spending money, I'll tell you that. (to SNAKE) How much? wait. don't tell me. i can't bear to hear it. just give me the bag. MILCHSTEIN Gee, thanks! GELDHUND It's for me, you ass! MILCHSTEIN That's more like it. SNAKE This is about six grams. LULU You got the money to pay for it? GELDHUND That's rather insulting. LULU Do you? GELDHUND No. not on me. but if I'm not good for my word, Lulu, you have it in your power to ruin me in a second. That's gotta be good for something. LULU It is, now that you mention it. what is my trust worth to you? GELDHUND I am prepared to give you in exchange for those drugs a work of art guaranteed to appreciate in value %4,000. It'll be worth many hundreds of times what the coke is worth. LULU You anticipating hyperinflation? GELDHUND It's a Beauregarde. I'm told the man is on his deathbed, but I'm no expert. LULU why the whimsical form of payment? I'm no art lover. MILCHSTEIN his wife is. GELDHUND she thinks she is. in truth, she doesn't Rodin from Godzilla. she has been the author of a little unpleasantness in my life just lately and I wish to make my displeasure known to her in a forceful way. LULU you know, in your own way, geldhund, you're an artist yourself. It's a deal. GELDHUND Great. Baboon, I want you to go back to my apartment and get my checkbook. It's on the desk at my office. Bring it to the address on this card. I'll meet you there. MILCHSTEIN what about my line? GELDHUND wait 'til we get to the club. 3. Street outside Lulu's Love Shack. GELDHUND comes out, with painting under his arm. He passes AGENT KINDERMANN with painting. Projection: The drop-off. AGENT KINDERMANN Chief Agent! GELDHUND Kindermann, what the hell are you doing out at this hour of the night? AGENT KINDERMANN Agent V. has sent me to find the Berlin Hotel. GELDHUND Agent V? Who's Agent V.? AGENT KINDERMANN Vogelbaum! GELDHUND Agent. Interesting. Listen, do whatever it is you gotta do, but I want you to get back to the club. They'll be running out of mugs soon. AGENT KINDERMANN Mugs. GELDHUND You know? The kind you drink out of? AGENT KINDERMANN (bewildered) Oh. GELDHUND Oh. And do me favor. (hands him baggie of drugs) hold this for me. i don't like carrying it around. AGENT KINDERMANN oh, I understand. more contraband of war. yes, sir. GELDHUND You alright? I think we're going to have to go back to that doctor soon. AGENT KINDERMANN why? are you sick, sir? GELDHUND no. never mind. just get back to the club. AGENT KINDERMANN yes, sir. GELDHUND exits. AGENT KINDERMANN starts off, then stops in his tracks. AGENT KINDERMANN club? AGENT KINDERMANN goes off again, banging his forehead with the palm of his hand. 4. GELDHUND'S apartment. LENI and CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND are alone. They are drinking wine. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND is a little tipsy. Projection: Blood is thicker than water. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I can't remember when I've tasted such good wine. LENI Now, that we're alone, I think it's time we had a little talk. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND By all means. LENI She really loves you, you know. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Who does? LENI Your wife! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Oh. Well, that goes without saying, doesn't it? LENI I'm serious. No one deserves the kind of dirty dealing you've let her in for. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND What do you mean? You don't even know my wife. LENI I think I know her well enough. If all my life counts. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Imagine that. LENI All this playing around, this sneaking. It is not healthy for a relationship, and it's bound to end in disaster. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND (suspiciously) Sneaking? What do you mean? I...work for the Post Office. LENI Damn it, be serious! This is your life I'm talking about! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I don't know what you think you know about me, but it's not true. None of it. LENI Why can't you for a second be honest? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND You know, I like you. You're a lot spunkier than the women I'm familiar with. LENI I don't care about those tramps. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND That's not very generous. LENI Yes, well I think you can take generosity too far. I want you to be true to my sister. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Oh, I get it. You're trying to fix me up with your sister. I'll let you in on a little secret...Leni, is it? I like you better. LENI (her jaw dropping) What?! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND You remind me of a girl in grammar school. Maria her name was. A charming little thing. Skin carved of soap. You have her eyes... LENI You are sick! Sick! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Excuse me. I think I may be getting a little drunk. LENI Well, you'll be getting divorced, if you're not careful. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND You're right. I had no business. I apologize. LENI It's a bit late for that, isn't it? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I think you're overreacting. LENI You're a monster! A beast! The focus of the scene now switches to the apartment's outer chamber, where AGENT MILCHSTEIN continues to guard the door. Enter LIANE, a fat kitchen maid. LIANE Liebschen! LIANE puts her arms around AGENT MILCHSTEIN'S neck and plants a big kiss on his mouth. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Ugh! What do you think you're doing, woman? LIANE Not in the mood, eh? You're so grumpy! AGENT MILCHSTEIN That's nothing compared to what I'll be if you don't get your big sausage-fingers off of my neck! LIANE removes her hands. LIANE My, my! So changeable. What happened to the Romeo who came to my room last night, huh? AGENT MILCHSTEIN I don't know, why don't you go and see? Maybe he came back. LIANE That's my little bug-bear! (pinches his cheek) Ooh! So cute! AGENT MILCHSTEIN Do that again and I'll rip your arm off. LIANE Well...I can't seem to figure you out. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Do your figuring in private. Just don't touch me. LIANE It's those steroids, isn't it? AGENT MILCHSTEIN Steroids are illegal. LIANE Illegal! Like that ever stopped you before. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Will you stop talking like you know me? LIANE Oh, but I do know you, liebschen. I know every square inch of you. I know your hair, your eyes, that birth mark on your thigh that looks like the map of Europe... AGENT MILCHSTEIN (alarmed) How did you know that? LIANE I have eyes, don't I? AGENT MILCHSTEIN X-ray eyes, apparently. LIANE That's a big birthmark, liebschen. It's hard to miss. AGENT MILCHSTEIN (looks down) Are my pants that thin? LIANE (laughs) Well, I'd better go clear the dishes. Are you coming by tonight? AGENT MILCHSTEIN I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. exit LIANE. enter CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Come on, Milchstein. We're bugging out. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Best news I've heard all evening. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND As I thought, there's been a breach of security. The westerners all seem to know about us. AGENT MILCHSTEIN I'll say. All about us. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I don't believe that you're responsible. It's too widespread. It must have come from higher up. We have to abort the mission. Come on. We'll leave word at the hotel. AGENT MILCHSTEIN and CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND go down the stairs. Focus of the scene switches to Klub Katzenratzen, where SCHWAMM sings the following song. SCHWAMM I've got a bone to pick with you two. Running 'round behind my back like you do. Now I'm not blind to what's behind me. But I don't mind, cuz, oo-wee, you two and me -- are through. I've got half a mind to split up you two. If I were a different kind, that's what I'd do. But I'm not cruel, and though you can't fool me, It's dirty pool, so, oo-wee, you two and me -- are through. It's true that I love you two, it's true that I love you too much I guess I'm not worth keeping, now I'm feeling deep in dutch. 5. Ku'damm. Enter CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND and AGENT MILCHSTEIN. Projection: Stranded in Sodom and Gommorah! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Where the hell's the car? AGENT MILCHSTEIN I don't know. We parked it right here. Enter a meter maid. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND You there! Officer! What's become of our transport? It was parked right here! METER MAID yes? well, it's been towed. It seems you Ossis don't know how to park. Bully for me, eh? I'm really racking up points! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Shit! Excuse me, Milchstein. (to meter maid) How do we get our Trabi back? We're stranded. METER MAID A Trabi, huh? You're lucky it was towed. (laughs) It probably would have had to be towed, anyway! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND We're in a hurry, please. METER MAID Well, get out of it. It's in the city lot. You'll have to wait until tomorrow. They'll be closed at this hour. Exit METER MAID. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I see no reason to obey any West German laws at this point, do you, comrade? Find out where this "city lot" is, and take whatever steps are necessary to get our transport back. The place is probably deserted at this hour. Just pick the lock on the fence and drive it out. Then meet me at the hotel. I'll see if I can find the others. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Yes, sir. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I'm trusting you, Milchstein. I understand now the intoxicating effects this place can have on a person. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Yes, sir. exit AGENT MILCHSTEIN. enter KUNST, bearing a rolled up painting. KUNST Ah, there you are, Geldhund! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND My god! Does it never end? KUNST How do you like this, huh? Delivery service! The party's winding down, so I thought I'd just bring you the painting. I'll go to any length to make a sale. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I'm not in the market for any paintings. KUNST That's not what you said a little while ago. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Look you, I'm on to your bourgeoise games, and it won't work. KUNST You're wife told me you were a hard sell, but this is ridiculous. Alright, but you're letting a very valuable item slip through your fingers. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Valuable, eh? You say that painting's worth a lot? KUNST It's going to be worth a lot more one of these days. Beauregard's ninety-three. When he goes, the price of all his works will skyrocket. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND This Beauregard, he's the painter? KUNST My, what a short memory you have. Yes, yes! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Very well. I'll take your painting. KUNST hands him the painting. KUNST You, uh, want to write a check for that? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I, uh, don't seem to have a "check" with me. KUNST Well, I'll tell you what. I'll be at the gallery. You go get your checkbook and meet me there. But don't let me down. I tend to get very angry when I'm swindled. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Oh, I won't let you down. KUNST Good, see you in a little while. exit KUNST. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND (to audience) Don't get me wrong. I'd never dream of self aggrandizement at the expense of others. No! The sale of this will contribute mightily to the struggle of the workers! 6. Street. Enter AGENT VOGELBAUM. He bumps into AGENT KINDERMANN, still carrying painting. Projection: Mother-in-law Courage. AGENT VOGELBAUM Kindermann! What's this? You haven't been to the hotel? AGENT KINDERMANN No, sir, I was just on my way there. (takes out the bag of coke) Look! Chief Agent Geldhund gave me this! AGENT VOGELBAUM Drugs! what could he mean by this? AGENT KINDERMANN More contraband of war, I suppose. AGENT VOGELBAUM Well, I'd better keep it on my person. Our hotel room might be searched. Give it here. AGENT KINDERMANN Yes, sir. AGENT KINDERMANN hands the bag to AGENT VOGELBAUM. AGENT VOGELBAUM now do like I told you and stash that painting. hotel berlin. I'm up to me elbows in recconaisance. AGENT KINDERMANN Yes, sir. I'm sorry to hear that, sir. AGENT KINDERMANN exits. Enter MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN, HEINZ'S mother. She is a very large, masculine woman, with a matronly carriage. She carries a dachshund. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN Violet! AGENT VOGELBAUM (takes out his notebook, begins scribbling ) One thing you can say about the west. They have no shortage of transvestites. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN Keep your insults to yourself. I'm in no mood to be trifled with. AGENT VOGELBAUM Are you talking to me? MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN I don't see anyone else around here, do you? AGENT VOGELBAUM No, but since I'm in a madhouse, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if you were talking to yourself. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN A madhouse, eh? Well, if you must know, I think you must be crazy, if you're willing to risk losing my Heinz over some cheap thrills over at Lulu's Love Shack. AGENT VOGELBAUM Lulu's Love Shack! Always Lulu's Love Shack. It's a wonder these capitalists don't go broke. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN Don't tell me you're denying that you've been to Lulu's Love Shack. AGENT VOGELBAUM Well, yes, I have been there, but I'll be hanged if I go there again. The place is full of perverts. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN Well, you'd know. AGENT VOGELBAUM My good man, I hardly think you're one to talk. After all, you are wearing woman's clothes. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN I knew right from the minute my son took up with you that you were bad news. You haven't got a kind word to say about anybody. AGENT VOGELBAUM Is it any wonder? I haven't met a normal person in all of West Berlin. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN Normality? Since when has that been a burning concern of yours? AGENT VOGELBAUM Right now, more than ever. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN Hah! And what about your taste for boys? AGENT VOGELBAUM Say that again, fellah, and I'll smack you right in the face. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN (she gasps ) How dare you? AGENT VOGELBAUM Where I come from, somebody in that get-up would get a sound drubbing for just walking in the street, if they weren't arrested first. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN I tell you you're breaking my son's heart, and you make fun of my clothes. AGENT VOGELBAUM How is it that I know your son? I don't even know you. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN After twenty years I think you know us well enough. AGENT VOGELBAUM Fine. See you in twenty years. AGENT VOGELBAUM starts to leave. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN Not so fast. I'm not through with you yet. AGENT VOGELBAUM I suppose you're going to proposition me now, eh? MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN gasps and slaps AGENT VOGELBAUM'S face. AGENT VOGELBAUM (putting his fists up ) Alright. I've had enough. Put that dog down and let's go. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN You villain. You wouldn't strike a lady? AGENT VOGELBAUM I wouldn't, if one were here. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN I'll have you arrested for assault. AGENT VOGELBAUM Yes? And what will the police say when they see you in that get-up? They'll say you were asking for it! Now put the dog down! Come on! You've got me good and mad! MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN Oh, dear. This is much worse than I thought. You've completely lost your marbles. AGENT VOGELBAUM Maybe I have. Absolutely nothing makes any sense in this place. It's all gone topsy-turvy. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN Is that what this is all about? All this sudden violence? Are you having a breakdown? AGENT VOGELBAUM Yes, yes, that's what it must be. A breakdown. I wouldn't be a bit surprised. Sure. Why else would I keep thinking I see transvestites everywhere? MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN There, there, you poor thing. Don't worry about a thing. I'll go get Dr. Geistenhandler. He's a strict Freudian. He makes house calls all hours. He'll know what to do. AGENT VOGELBAUM Yes. By all means. Go see a doctor. He'll put you right. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN Not for me. For you. Now don't move a muscle. AGENT VOGELBAUM Oh, don't worry. I won't. exit MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN. AGENT VOGELBAUM watches her go, then starts to make a break for it. He bumps into KINDERMANN, who is just entering. AGENT VOGELBAUM Kindermann. Good, you haven't left. I--what happened to your overcoat? KINDERMANN I haven't got one. AGENT VOGELBAUM You poor devil. These bloodsuckers would even cheat a man out of his clothing in the middle of winter. KINDERMANN Oh, I'm warm enough. AGENT VOGELBAUM That's the spirit. Listen, I'd better give this back to you. There may be some trouble with the police. AGENT VOGELBAUM hands the drugs to KINDERMANN. KINDERMANN Back to me? AGENT VOGELBAUM That's right. You want to work on those memory exercises. Now then: put it under the mattress at the hotel. It should be alright there. KINDERMANN Hotel? What Hotel? AGENT VOGELBAUM Kindermann! The Berlin Hotel! Do I have to spell out everything? KINDERMANN Well, it helps. AGENT VOGELBAUM You're right. I'm sorry. Anything to report? KINDERMANN I couldn't find the Baboon. AGENT VOGELBAUM Why on earth would you be looking for a baboon? KINDERMANN You wanted him. To beat up the guy who took your painting. AGENT VOGELBAUM You have the painting. Sorry to have to do this, Kindermann, but I'm going to have to put you on report. They'll laugh at me, but there's a first time for everything. You've been most inattentive this evening. KINDERMANN (shrugs) Yes, that must be it. AGENT VOGELBAUM Now, do I like I told you and stow that contraband. I don't like you walking around with it. You may get swindled again. KINDERMANN Whatever you say. AGENT VOGELBAUM walks off. KINDERMANN H'm. And they call me a dummy... END OF ACT THREE. ACT FOUR 1. The street. Enter HERR KUNST. He bumps into HERR SHLIMP, a tough looking mobster, who approaches from the other direction. Projection: Enter organized crime. SHLIMP Herr Kunst! How interesting that I don't find you at the gallery on the very day when your note comes due. KUNST Herr Shlimp! You caught me at a good time. I was just on my way there. SHLIMP Yes. I bet you were. Now do you have my money? KUNST Well, not on me, of course. But, like I say, you've caught me at a good time. I'll have every penny this time. I've got someone to shell out for one of my most expensive paintings. He should be over there now. I'll just sign the check over to you. SHLIMP A check, huh? How do I know that it's good? KUNST Oh, it'll be good. The man's name is Geldhund. As in Klub Katzenratzen. He's rolling in dough. SHLIMP I guess that'll do. But don't let me down. I'm not a bank. You know what happens if I don't get paid. (draws his finger across his neck) KUNST Sure, sure. Only it's all arranged. There'll be no problem. I promise. SHLIMP Good. You have a nice gallery. I'd hate to have smash the windows and confiscate the paintings. KUNST You're right. That would be a shame. enter GELDHUND. KUNST Hey! Speak of the devil! GELDHUND Don't worry. I'm gonna take that painting. I was just on my way there. KUNST Where? GELDHUND The gallery. KUNST Oh, well, I'll save you the trouble. KUNST takes out a pad and begins writing. GELDHUND What's that? KUNST A receipt. This is, after all, a legitimate business transaction. I've got to declare the income. KUNST, rips off receipt and hands it to GELDHUND. GELDHUND You know what? I don't have my checkbook. KUNST Where is it? GELDHUND I sent one of my employees for it. He was supposed to meet me at the gallery. KUNST Herr Geldhund, I have the distinct feeling I'm being dicked around here. GELDHUND It's the gospel truth. I got locked out of my house. KUNST How convenient. And I suppose the painting is tightly locked up too. GELDHUND Well, you'd know that better than I would. KUNST Yes? And how would I know that? GELDHUND Well, it's in your gallery, isn't it? KUNST Very funny. GELDHUND You must have some sort of security there. You don't just let people walk off with the merchandise. KUNST I let you do as much. Now I'm beginning to feel I made a mistake. GELDHUND I wasn't aware I had anything of yours. KUNST Only a genuine Beauregard worth a king's ransom. GELDHUND Yes, I'm sure it's very valuable, and when I get it, I'll feel a very rich man. KUNST I grow tired of this routine, Herr Geldhund. What have you done with my painting? GELDHUND Nothing. You never gave me any painting. SHLIMP Right. I've heard enough. (gesturing to unseen characters) Seigfried, Roy. enter SEIGFRIED and ROY, two enormous hoods, who grab KUNST KUNST Herr Shlimp, I promise you. This man owes me money. GELDHUND What the hell is going on here? Who is this guy? SHLIMP Just a businessman, Herr Geldhund, same as yourself. And I have my own job to do. GELDHUND I have no gripe with this man. SHLIMP Oh, but I do. You see, Herr Kunst owes me a tidy some of money, which he borrowed at a high rate of interest. Now, like any businessman, I expect some form of repayment. Now, it could be a tooth, a finger, an eye... KUNST You see, you are playing a very serious game, Herr Geldhund. If you don't make payment as promised, this man is going to hurt me. SHLIMP Oh, not much. You'll live, if that's any consolation. KUNST It's really not... GELDHUND Oh, but I've already told you. I've sent my man for my checkbook. He's on his way to the gallery. We can work all this out. There's no need for violence. Herr... SHLIMP Shlimp. GELDHUND Pleased to meet you. SHLIMP Likewise. Very well. But you are sticking your neck out, you realize. If we get to that Gallery and find no checkbook, I'm going to be very angry. GELDHUND Trust me. It's all worked out. KUNST Thank you, Herr Geldhund. Enter AGENT MILCHSTEIN. GELDHUND There he is. AGENT MILCHSTEIN I did like you told me, Chief Agent. The luggage is packed, and the jeep is gassed up and ready to go. KUNST Oh, christ. SHLIMP Sounds like a getaway to me. GELDHUND what is this, Baboon? I sent you for my checkbook! AGENT MILCHSTEIN Perhaps I misunderstood my orders. I thought I was to break in, take the jeep and meet you back here. GELDHUND (to SHLIMP) Please, he doesn't know what he's talking about. Herr Kunst, I apologize, it's a misunderstanding. SHLIMP I'm going to get my money one way or the other. Roy. ROY takes out a gun and holds it on GELDHUND. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Oh, I see. The jig is up. GELDHUND What jig? There is no jig, Baboon! Everything's on the up and up. If you're still mad at me about before this no way to get your revenge. These men mean business and they're going to rough me up. Now, there's no time to explain. Just do like I told you and go back to Klub Katzenratzen and get my goddamn fucking checkbook, or there'll be hell to pay. Understand? AGENT MILCHSTEIN Yes, sir! Understood, sir! exit AGENT MILCHSTEIN. GELDHUND Someone dropped him on his head as a child... 2. Street before Lulu's Love Shack. Enter SNAKE. He bumps into AGENT KINDERMANN coming from other direction, with painting. Projection: Trust no one. SNAKE Hello, what's this? Looks like Vogelbaum came to his senses. Did he touch that up for me? AGENT KINDERMANN I know you. You're that fellow Snake. SNAKE That's right. Your boss sure is a strange one. First he gives me a painting. I give it back to him for a little work. Then he demands it back after already taking it, and now he sends it back to me. All in one night. How do you figure a guy like that? AGENT KINDERMANN It's not for you. My orders are to bring it to the Berlin Hotel. SNAKE (stroking his chin) The Berlin Hotel, huh? But my friend! This is the Berlin Hotel! AGENT KINDERMANN This? SNAKE Why, yes! And I'm the manager. Didn't you know? AGENT KINDERMANN I guess I'm a little confused. SNAKE I guess you're right! What did you think before, when we offered you all that hospitality? That we were just being friendly? AGENT KINDERMANN Oh, I see. Things are beginning to make a bit more sense now. SNAKE Of course they are! AGENT KINDERMANN Well, in that case. I'd like to go up to my room, please. SNAKE You can't. AGENT KINDERMANN And why not? SNAKE The maid. She's turning down the bed just now and she doesn't like to be disturbed. She's a consummate artist. AGENT KINDERMANN The maid? You mean that man in the maid's uniform? SNAKE That's right. Margret. The very one. AGENT KINDERMANN Well...I wouldn't like to be alone in a hotel room with him very much. SNAKE Are you sure? He's very sweet. I think he's got a crush on you. AGENT KINDERMANN I don't think so. I wonder if you wouldn't hold this for me. SNAKE Nonsense! Just go on up. Margret would love to see you. Only just now he was telling me how cute you looked in your trench coat. AGENT KINDERMANN No, really, I-- SNAKE Please, I insist. Go up and have a good lie down. I'm sure Margret will be happy to tuck you in. AGENT KINDERMANN No, please, please. Take the painting. SNAKE You're sure? We're only too happy to serve. AGENT KINDERMANN Positive. SNAKE (with mock reluctance) Well, alright. (takes the painting) Margret will be very disappointed. AGENT KINDERMANN Tell her I'll take a rain check. You'll take good care of that, won't you? SNAKE Oh, yes. Of course! Very good care. AGENT KINDERMANN Good. Then I've done my duty. Goodnight. SNAKE Goodnight, Kindermann! exit AGENT KINDERMANN. SNAKE I should be proud of myself, but, after all, he's only a simpleton. 3. Street. Enter MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN with DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER, a psychologist. VOGELBAUM enters from the other direction. Projection: In which Violet Vogelbaum is liberated from the iron claws of decadent Freudianism. VOGELBAUM Good evening, Mother Vogelbaum. What brings you out on this wild night? MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN (to GEISTENHANDLER) You see? He's already forgotten our encounter. GEISTENHANDLER Yes, yes, very bad. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN He wanted to fight with me. And...this is extremely odd...he kept saying he saw transvestites everywhere. VOGELBAUM What are you talking about? This is Berlin! There are transvestites everywhere! MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN You see? And, of all the crazy things, he even thought I was a transvestite! VOGELBAUM Well, if the high heel fits. GEISTENHANDLER This is common in homosexual men. A denial stage. It sometimes manifests itself in violence. VOGELBAUM Hold on a minute. Are you talking about me? GEISTENHANDLER Yes, my boy. I'm afraid we are. VOGELBAUM Then you'd better go look to Heinz, Mrs. Bruderlieben, because he's the violent one. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN He's got a guilty conscience. He's been unfaithful, you see. GEISTENHANDLER Ah. VOGELBAUM Mrs. Bruderlieben, I resent being subjected to this, this examination. GEISTENHANDLER It's for your own good, son. Mrs. Bruderlieben tells me you were willing to strike her, and we can't have that now, can we? VOGELBAUM That's ridiculous! Mrs. Bruderlieben, why were you telling these lies? MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN (looks meaningfully at Geistenhandler) Paranoid. VOGELBAUM Answer me! This is outrageous! Just because Heinz and me have a little spat, you call out the shrinks? Anyway, we're patching it up. Everything's back to normal. GEISTENHANDLER Not so fast, my boy. I'm the judge of who's normal around here, and I'm not quite satisfied about you yet. VOGELBAUM Homophobe. GEISTENHANDLER That's an easy insult. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN He lashed out a string of vituperative at me like you wouldn't believe. GEISTENHANDLER You can't just go around calling people names, my friend, and expect them to take it kindly. VOGELBAUM What I expect is for you to leave me alone. I've got things to to take care of. GEISTENHANDLER Do you mind if I ask what's so important? VOGELBAUM Yes, I do mind, but as Mrs. Bruderlieben's concerned, I'll tell you. I gave away the painting I made for Heinz to another man, and now he won't give it back, so I have to go beat him up. GEISTENHANDLER I'm afraid I can't let you do that, my friend. We can't let people go walking around the streets of Berlin beating people up. VOGELBAUM Yes, and who's stopping me? GEISTENHANDLER I'm afraid we shall have to. Mrs. Bruderlieben, do you think you can restrain him? MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN This puny thing? Sure! MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN grabs VOGELBAUM from behind and holds down both his arms. VOGELBAUM Hey! Stop it! Let me go, you bitch! GEISTENHANDLER You think you can keep him like this? MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN No problem. GEISTENHANDLER Good. I'll be back in a jiffy with the sedatives. DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER goes. VOGELBAUM Mother Bruderlieben. Mother Bruderlieben. Mother weisborg, be reasonable. You know as well as I do that I'm not insane. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN I have to listen to Doctor Geistenhandler in these matters. He's the expert. VOGELBAUM Well, if you ask me, I should be only expert where my one psychology is concerned. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN Megalomania. enter AGENT KINDERMANN. AGENT KINDERMANN Agent! You've been captured! VOGELBAUM This is no time to be horsing around, Kindermann. Get me out of this. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN You stay away from me, Kindermann. Herr Vogelbaum is a very sick man. AGENT KINDERMANN Sick? VOGELBAUM Don't listen to her, Kindermann. She doesn't know what she's talking about. AGENT KINDERMANN Oh, don't worry about that, sir. I take my orders only from you. AGENT KINDERMANN runs around behind MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN, and takes a flying leap onto her back. He hangs there awhile and the three of them spin around. AGENT KINDERMANN This isn't working, sir. She's pretty big. VOGELBAUM Kick where she lives. AGENT KINDERMANN Oh, no, sir I couldn't do that. Here, I've got a better idea. AGENT KINDERMANN leaps off. AGENT KINDERMANN A couple of kidney punches to the back should do the trick. AGENT KINDERMANN commences to wailing on MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN'S lower back with all his might. She lets go of VOGELBAUM and bends over in pain, moaning. VOGELBAUM Serves you right, you cow. MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN Oh, just wait until I tell my Heinz about this treatment. You'll pay. Oh, oh... MRS. BRUDERLIEBEN exits, still doubled over and moaning. VOGELBAUM Kindermann, I never dreamt that you would hit a woman like that. AGENT KINDERMANN That was a woman? VOGELBAUM Well, I must say I'm certainly in your debt. AGENT KINDERMANN In that case, sir, I'd like to ask you a favor. It's really a very big favor. A huge one. So if you say no, I'll understand. VOGELBAUM Anything, Kindermann, you know that. We're the oldest of friends! AGENT KINDERMANN Yes, sir, I know that. That's the only reason I feel bold enough to ask you this very great favor. VOGELBAUM Spit it out, man. AGENT KINDERMANN Sir, I don't want to go back. VOGELBAUM Go back? Where? AGENT KINDERMANN To East Berlin. VOGELBAUM For heaven sake, who's making you go to east berlin? AGENT KINDERMANN Please don't joke about this, sir. I don't want to go back. VOGELBAUM Then, by all means, don't go back. AGENT KINDERMANN Really? It's as easy as all that? VOGELBAUM Hey, I never knew you'd been there to begin with. A strange place for a vacation, I must say. AGENT KINDERMANN Oh, you're just having fun with me, sir. VOGELBAUM Kindermann, believe me, you don't have to go anywhere you don't want to go. AGENT KINDERMANN You really mean that, sir? VOGELBAUM Of course! It's a free country, after all. AGENT KINDERMANN Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you! I'll never forget you for this. VOGELBAUM After all, that's what separates the west from the east. Here, you get to come and go as you please. AGENT KINDERMANN I never knew you felt that way, sir. VOGELBAUM Well, now you do. AGENT KINDERMANN Than you'll stay, too? VOGELBAUM Naturally! AGENT KINDERMANN Then we don't have to say goodbye! VOGELBAUM Not if we don't want to. AGENT KINDERMANN Oh, this is marvelous! The happiest day of my life. It's really a wonderful country, sir, for all its weirdness. The food is much better here. And the service sector is much better than in East Berlin. Only just now a big transvestite wanted to turn down my bed. VOGELBAUM Whatever you say, Kindermann. AGENT KINDERMANN Will that be all, sir? VOGELBAUM Yes, I guess so. AGENT KINDERMANN Well, if you don't mind, I'd like to go off on my own for a while. I tend to have such strange adventures. VOGELBAUM What about Klub Katzenratzen? AGENT KINDERMANN Yes. yes. Perhaps I'll go there. VOGELBAUM I certainly hope so. AGENT KINDERMANN See you soon, comrade! Oh, I forgot. I don't have to call you comrade any more. VOGELBAUM Call me whatever you like, Kindermann. AGENT KINDERMANN Oh, thank you, sir! exit AGENT KINDERMANN VOGELBAUM Tsk! Like a newborn babe... 4. The street. enter CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND, with the painting still under his arm. From the other direction, CHORUS OF EAST GERMAN REVELLERS enters. Projection: The hook crossed. CHORUS Hey! It's Geldhund! Geldhund! Three cheers for Geldhund! Everybody's friend! Hip hip! Hooray! Hip hip! Hooray! Hip hip! Hooray! The CHORUS goes off. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND It's epidemic. They're taunting me! enter AGENT MILCHSTEIN. AGENT MILCHSTEIN I came as fast as I could, Chief Agent. Here's that checkbook you wanted. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Dumbkopf! I didn't send you for any checkbook! You were supposed to get the jeep ready! AGENT MILCHSTEIN I already told you, sir, the transport is secured and ready to go. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND strikes AGENT MILCHSTEIN'S face. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Liar! You never told me any such thing. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Begging the captain's pardon, but, I did, sir, just a little while ago. I guess you were too busy with those men to hear me. CHIEF AGENT MILCHSTEIN Men? What men? AGENT MILCHSTEIN Those hoodlums. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Oh, those drunken idiots just now. Very good. We're in business. Any word from Agent Vogelbaum? AGENT MILCHSTEIN No, sir. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I see. Well, he's a good man. He'll figure it out for himself. let's be on our way. enter LULU. LULU Hiya, handsome. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Shove off, we don't want any of your amusements here. LULU Not so fast. What about the painting? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND What about it? LULU Come on, Geldhund. Don't be stingy. We have a deal. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I don't make deals with prostitutes. LULU High and mighty all of the sudden. Nevertheless, I gave you those drugs on trust, and a promise is a promise, so let's see that thing. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND (to MILCHSTEIN) You know, I'd always assumed that the capitalists were clever at this kind of peccadillo, but the more and more I listen to them, the stupider they sound. (to Lulu) We're not falling for it, so take a hike. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND shoves the painting into his coat. LULU I never knew you were like this, Geldhund. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND (cagily) I don't know anybody named Geldhund. LULU Neither will anybody in this town if word gets out that you've screwed me. Your name will be mud. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND That's fine by me. Let's go...Herr Bergdorf. AGENT MILCHSTEIN As you wish, Herr Gutmann. exit CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND and AGENT MILCHSTEIN. LULU Bergdorf and Gutmann, huh? They think I was born yesterday. Well, I'll show them. I think Hildy will be very interested to know that her husband has been spending time at Lulu's Love Shack. And spending thousands of marks on mysterious paintings. (sings) If you want to get to laid, Then I got to get paid, One way or another, it's certain. 'cause I'm a vamp and a viper, So you must pay the piper, Or it's certain that you'll be hurtin'. Take the snake, when raped with a rake, It shakes and it quakes, Until it gets its take. If you wanna slake, Your thirst for these snakes, We can relieve these aches, But you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You can't have yor cake and eat it, too. So you listen to Lulu, If you feel that you who Must go to the Gallery Kunt. I'm a vamp and a viper, And you must pay the piper, Or I'll do to you what I'm about to do--to old Geldhund. 5. Lulu's Love Shack. Enter MILCHSTEIN from inside. Projection: The Cold War heats up. MILCHSTEIN You can say one thing about those people. They sure know how to throw a good party. Whew! Enter SNAKE from Lulu's Love Shack, with painting under his arm. SNAKE Hey. MILCHSTEIN Hey. It's Snake, isn't it? SNAKE Yeah, and you're that bouncer over at Klub Katzenratzen. Well, be seeing you. MILCHSTEIN Wait a minute. Where'd you get that painting? SNAKE Your boss Vogelbaum gave it to me. MILCHSTEIN Vogelbaum's over at the club. What goes on here? SNAKE Why, whatever do you mean? MILCHSTEIN I happen to know that Herr Geldhund planned to give a very expensive Beauregard to your girl Lulu in exchange for some entertainment. I find it very interesting that you are just now walking out of Lulu's Love Shack with a painting under your arm. SNAKE My good man, I don't know what Geldhund and Lulu have got going, but I do know that this is definitely Vogelbaum's painting, so if you'll excuse me... MILCHSTEIN I'm afraid I can't. Not until I find out what's going on here. SNAKE I've told you what's going on here. Now let me by, please. MILCHSTEIN You seem just a little too eager to go here, Snake. It's obvious there's been a theft. Now I'm going to have to take that painting and make sure Lulu gets it. SNAKE You're mad. MILCHSTEIN Give me the painting, Snake. SNAKE I won't do any such thing. MILCHSTEIN Don't make me have to pound you, Snake. I'm a lot bigger than you are. SNAKE And if I call the police? MILCHSTEIN I'll call the vice squad. SNAKE Here. Take the goddamn painting. It's a piece of shit anyway. SNAKE hands the painting to MILCHSTEIN. MILCHSTEIN Sure. A piece of shit. That's why you wouldn't part with it, right? SNAKE I'm going to tell all my friends not to go to Klub Katzenratzen. You're all nuts over there! MILCHSTEIN We don't need your friends. We have the Ossis! SNAKE goes back into Lulu's Love Shack. Enter SEIGFRIED, ROY, HERR SHLIMP, KUNST and GELDHUND. GELDHUND Look! I told you! There he is! Baboon, did you bring the check book like I asked you? MILCHSTEIN No, I didn't get a chance to get over there. GELDHUND Didn't get a chance-? Milchstein, I don't think you understand how serious this is. KUNST Well, he's got the painting, at least. Herr Shlimp, could I persuade you to accept this as payment? It's worth every penny I owe you by far. SHLIMP I'm not an art dealer, Kunst. KUNST But think of your reputation! Quite a feather in your cap to have an Beauregard hanging in your den. And when the old man croaks, it'll be worth fifty times what it is now. SHLIMP Well...maybe you've got something there. After all, I did finance your gallery. KUNST Sure! A patron of the arts, that's what you are! SHLIMP Let's have a look. SHLIMP takes the painting from MILCHSTEIN. he unrolls it. SHLIMP H'm. This is interesting. What's that in the corner? Says...Vogelbaum. KUNST What kind of shell game are you running here, Geldhund? GELDHUND Honestly. I have no idea. I'm just as dumbfounded as you are. What does this mean, Milchstein? MILCHSTEIN I don't know. I thought it was yours. Must be Vogelbaum's. SHLIMP Must be. MILCHSTEIN Geldhund, why does that man have a gun? GELDHUND He's a hobbyist. 6. Street. Enter HILDY, LENI and LULU. Projectiion: Anarchy! HILDY I never thought that it would come to this. That I would be accompanying a prostitute to look for my husband in a whorehouse. LULU First time for everything, honey. But I want you to know one thing. Whatever happens, that painting is mine. Your husband owes me. HILDY Fine. Whatever you like. I've had it with that painting. It's caused me nothing but misery. enter DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER with two huge ORDERLIES. DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER Good evening, ladies. HILDY Doctor Geistenhandler. What's got you out at this hour of the night? DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER Bad news, Hildy. It seems the manager of your club has gone berserk. he's quite deranged. You see, I've had to bring these orderlies along in order to restrain him. HILDY Vogelbaum? I don't believe it. LENI Neither do I. Herr Vogelbaum is the sanest one of us all. He uses his painting for an outlet. DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER You're forgetting, Fraulien, that Adolf Hitler was an artist, and his insanity resulted in the deaths of thirty million people. LENI Well, I hope Vogelbaum's not that insane. DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER There are no degrees of insanity, fraulien. I either lock you up or I don't. LENI It seems that you are a true scholar of Hitler. DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER I do my best, fraulien. enter SEIGFRIED, ROY, HERR SHLIMP, KUNST, AND GELDHUND. HILDY (to GELDHUND) I see you're hanging out with a new class of friends. Hello, Deitrich. KUNST Hildy. LULU I want my painting, Geldhund. SHLIMP Quite a little drama you've got going on here, Geldhund. I must admit I'm amused. GELDHUND I can't tell you how happy that makes me feel. HILDY (to GELDHUND) Do you have any intention of ever coming home? GELDHUND My dear, I would love to come home. If only you'd let me. HILDY What makes you think I'll let you? After the way I've been treated. GELDHUND The way you've been treated? I'm not the one who locked the goddamn door to the house! HILDY Your metaphor eludes me. GELDHUND It's no fucking metaphor. I'll never forget the way you shut me out tonight. Never. HILDY Shut you out? What kind of balderdash is this? GELDHUND I know all about your fling, and I'm very impressed, now can we please put this all behind us? HILDY Fling! I've had no fling! You can't turn this around on me! GELDHUND Are you trying to tell me you weren't entertaining some man in our apartment tonight? Milchstein, you tell her! You where there. MILCHSTEIN He's right, you know. We heard everything. LENI This is all bullshit. I was at the apartment all night. You guys came and ate dinner and then blew out. GELDHUND Dinner? What kind of science fiction is this? SHLIMP Yes! Yes! very amusing, indeed. GELDHUND AND HILDY Shut up! SHLIMP Your private affairs are your own business. I just want my money. KUNST If you please, Hildy. The payment for the painting. HILDY I thought that was all taken care of. Milchstein, didn't I give you the checkbook for that? MILCHSTEIN You never gave me any checkbook. DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER Pardon me, folks, if I may be so bold. SHLIMP And what's your part in all of this, buster? DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER Nothing, only I've seen this before. This very evening. I think there must be some bug going around, and these men have got it. Something in the food at Klub Katzenratzen, perhaps. Herr Vogelbaum exhibited the same symptoms. If you'll allow me, Hildy, I'll take these men back to the institute for observation. GELDHUND Oh, wait, I get it. Very clever, my dear. HILDY What? GELDHUND It's obvious that Geistenhandler here's the man you've been fooling around with. Yes, clever indeed. You can have me committed then enjoy the fruit of my labors, the two of you, while I go crazy in stir. DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER They're often like this. They'll hatch all manner of elaborate scenarios to keep the delusion going. GELDHUND Dear God, won't somebody help me? DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER I hate to break up this little party, gentlemen, but I'm going to have to check your friends in at the hospital. SHLIMP Nobody's going anywhere until I get my money. HILDY Oh, christ. I'll get you your lousy money. Don't you have any compassion? My husband's a very sick man. MILCHSTEIN (quietly, to GELDHUND) We could make a break for it, you know. GELDHUND No, no, play along. At least it'll get us out of this scrape. SHLIMP Well, these guys do seem nuts...(pause) What the hell. You sem like a nice lady. But I've got to get paid, you understand? patients are no patients, I'm going to get my money from somebody. and, ladies and gentlemen, you ain't gonna like my bedside manner. (sings) In the world of mules, there are no rules, said Dr. Valentine. What's mine is yours, what's your's is their's, what's everyone's is mine. Your hopeless patients will live; your healthy patients will die So be like me and raise your fee and you'd better raise it high! All men are fools, just fortune's tools, spake the sage old city doc. Don't bank on banks, or vaults, or tanks -- he jangled an old sock. So do it to him, he'll do it to you, and every man does in himself. That's why I am hocking my dough in a stocking in a can on the kitchen shelf. Stick out your tongue and say "ah"! SHLIMP an ounce of prevention's worth a pound of flesh, said the sawbones with a sneeze. God is dead like Neiztche said, forget Hippocrates. Treat children like grownups, treat grownups like kids, treat wounds with salt when you can. If you wanna be a doctor, let me be your proctor, I've proctorized many a man. HILDY Very nice. It's all bullshit, of course. DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER Good. Take them, boys. ORDERLIES grab GELDHUND and KLIENSTEIN'S arms. DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER Now. will you promise to go quietly? GELDHUND AND MILCHSTEIN yes, sir. DOCTOR GEISTENHANDLER and the ORDERLIES lead GELDHUND and MILCHSTEIN off. LULU Here, here. This is all well and good enough for you all, but what about me? Your husband still owes me for six grams of coke. HILDY You can take the painting. It's yours anyway. SHLIMP Sure. Take the painting. LULU Fine. LULU takes the painting and looks at it. LULU Hey! This isn't an beauregard! KUNST No, but it's an Vogelbaum. enter CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND and AGENT MILCHSTEIN. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Look! It's those spies! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND And that woman hustler. They're all in on it. AGENT MILCHSTEIN Looks like they've brought some pretty tough customers along. And they're armed. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND It's too late. They see us. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND and AGENT MILCHSTEIN draw guns. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND (to the others) Just keep your distance. There's no need to start an international incident. LENI They've escaped! SHLIMP And they've got pieces! SHLIMP, SEIGFRIED and ROY point their guns at CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND and AGENT MILCHSTEIN. AGENT MILCHSTEIN They're aiming at us, sir! What'll we do? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Looks like they've given us no choice. We'll have to shoot our way out. Aim over their heads. AGENT MILCHSTEIN yes, sir. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND and AGENT MILCHSTEIN start shooting. HILDY Oh, my god! What are they doing? they really have lost their minds! SHLIMP Run for it, ladies. We'll handle this. HILDY Don't you dare hurt my husband! SHLIMP Oh, christ. Let's get out of here, guys. LENI, HILDY, SHLIMP, SEIGFRIED and ROY run off, the men shooting behind them. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Good work, agent, we've got them on the run. We'll catch hell for this, but they offered us no alternative. AGENT MILCHSTEIN It's like the wild west, sir. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND the wild west indeed. ACT FIVE 1. Klub Katzenratzen. HEINZ is at the door. KINDERMANN, with a busboy's tub, is gathering dishes. enter VOGELBAUM. Projection: Meanwhile, back at the ranch... HEINZ Well, it's about time someone who works here showed up. VOGELBAUM Heinz, your mother is fucking insane. HEINZ So, tell me something I don't know. VOGELBAUM I mean it. She brought by that shrink Geistenhandler and tried to have me committed! HEINZ (laughs) Serves you right! VOGELBAUM I'm serious! Kindermann had to rough her up a bit. HEINZ Kindermann laid a hand on my mother? (angrily) Kindermann! get your ass over here! KINDERMANN nervously drops the tub of dishes. He fumbles, picks up the pieces, and sets the tub down. VOGELBAUM Don't be too hard on him. After all, he was only helping me out. HEINZ I'll kill him! That's what I'll do! I'll kill him! KINDERMANN comes over. KINDERMANN Yes? HEINZ So you've done some violence to my mother, have you? KINDERMANN No, sir, I swear! HEINZ Don't lie to me, Kindermann. I won't like it. KINDERMANN I've never even met your mother, Herr Bruderlieben. HEINZ He says he never met my mother, Violet. VOGELBAUM Well, he sure as hell met her tonight. Maybe he doesn't understand. Kindermann, do you remember that woman who was holding my arms down and you punched her in the back? That was Heinz's mother. KINDERMANN Oh, Herr Vogelbaum, I would never punch a woman in the back. That would be ungentlemanly. No, sir, I'd punch straight on, from the front like any man does. That way it's a fair fight. HEINZ So you punched her from the front, then? KINDERMANN No, sir. I never punched no lady. HEINZ Kindermann doesn't lie, Violet. VOGELBAUM I know that. That's what makes it so peculiar. KINDERMANN I still have those drugs of yours, Herr Vogelbaum. I wonder what you want me to do with them. HEINZ Well, that explains it all. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Violet. Giving drugs to someone like Kindermann. The both of you should be ashamed. You're obviously stoned! KINDERMANN You said it was for safekeeping. VOGELBAUM Who put you up to this, Kindermann? KINDERMANN Well, you did. VOGELBAUM Enough's enough. Where did these drugs come from? KINDERMANN I think Lulu's Love Shack, sir. VOGELBAUM Well, I'm going to get to the bottom of this. If you'll excuse us, Heinz. HEINZ Why not? It's a free-for-all, anyway! VOGELBAUM Let's go, Kindermann. 2. Salvation Army Headquarters. Salvation Sal is at her desk. enter CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND and AGENT MILCHSTEIN. Projection: The curtain is drawn. SAL There! I knew you'd come. You're a bit late for the meeting. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND We need asylum, Miss Schmidt. SAL Asylum? Why? What have you done? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND We have been ourselves. That is crime enough, depending on where and who you are. SAL Nonsense! This is a free country. AGENT MILCHSTEIN which is like saying, in the middle of a forest fire, "at least we're not cold!" SAL Who are you guys? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND We are like you, sister. christians. We are members of a group called-- AGENT MILCHSTEIN "Christians without Christ". CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Christians without christ. SAL Christians without christ? CHEIF AGENT GELDHUND Er, yes...like "Jews for Jesus", only backwards. We believe in, uh... AGENT MILCHSTEIN chasing out the moneychangers! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND chasing out the moneychangers! AGENT MILCHSTEIN Turning the other cheek! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Turning the other cheek! AGENT MILCHSTEIN An apple a day keeps the doctor away! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND An apple--(double take, hits agent milchstein) And the thing is, sister. A mob, outside, a mob is after us, they think we're heretics and they want to boil us in oil. AGENT MILCHSTEIN yeah! SAL Oh, dear. well, we can't permit that, can we? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND no. AGENT MILCHSTEIN uh uh. Sound of a buzzer. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND There they are! please, sister, mercy. AGENT MILCHSTEIN save us, sister. SAL wait. first let's see who it is (she speaks into intercom) Yes? What is it? VOICE OF HILDY It's Hildy Geldhund. I wish to see my husband. SAL (to Geldhund) It appears your wife is looking for you. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND That's no wife of mine. It's a trick. SAL (into intercom) There must be some mistake, madam. There's no one here by that name. VOICE OF HILDY The devil there isn't! I saw him go in! He's quite sick and he needs our attention. SAL (into intercom) You'll have to go through the proper channels. This office is closed. Good evening! Repeated sound of buzzer. SAL She says you're sick, you know. I'm inclined to believe her. what exactly is a Christian without Christ? It's like saying "I'll have a Mr. Goodbar--hold the nuts". what's the point? AGENT MILCHSTEIN We save on overhead. Focus of scene switches to outside consulate, where HILDY, LENI, LULU, KUNST, SHLIMP, SEIGFRIED and ROY are standing. LENI Why would they go into the Salvation Army? HILDY maybe they need clothes enter one of the ORDERLIES. ORDERLY Have they come this way? HILDY They're in there. (points to consulate) ORDERLY They surprised us. We expected the big one to be trouble, but Herr Geldhund held his own alright. He fights dirty. HILDY That's my husband, alright. LENI What'll we do? HILDY I think we should get the police. SHLIMP You can get the police when we've settled our accounts, Mrs. Geldhund, and not before. Your husband isn't going anywhere. LULU Yes, I agree. I want what's coming to me. Enter GELDHUND and MILCHSTEIN, with a POLICE OFFICER. GELDHUND Alright, that's it! No more Mr. Nice guy! Shlimp, I'm taking my wife and sister-in-law, and this time I don't want to hear any guff about. The law's on my side. HILDY Where did you come from? KUNST There must be a back door. POLICE OFFICER Which one of you is the Doctor? ORDERLY He's not here. POLICE OFFICER What's going on here, Shlimp? SHLIMP Nothing, officer. Nothing at all. POLICE OFFICER I find that hard to believe with these two monkeys about you. I know a strong-arm when I see one. KUNST I believe I can straighten things out, officer. POLICE OFFICER Very well. Let's hear it. KUNST It's quite simple, really. These people absconded with a painting worth thousands of marks, and I'm expecting payment. POLICE OFFICER So you hired hoodlums to shake them down rather than go to the police, Very nice, mister. What do you say, Geldhund? Why don't you give him his money? GELDHUND It's very simple. I don't have his painting. KUNST That's a lie! POLICE OFFICER (pointing to painting which LULU is carrying) What's wrong with that one there? KUNST It's the wrong one. POLICE OFFICER H'm. It all sounds very complicated. I think we better hear your testimony down at the station house. LULU Is that absolutely necessary? enter AGENT VOGELBAUM and AGENT KINDERMANN. AGENT VOGELBAUM So you want to defect, eh? It's a good thing I caught up with you. You'd really be in hot water. The Stasi doesn't like that sort of politically negative conduct, Kindermann. You know what happens. Someday someone will find you, then who know? You could wake up dead. AGENT KINDERMANN But, Agent Vogelbaum, it was all arranged! You were going to defect, too! AGENT VOGELBAUM Not in a million years, bub. And you better keep a tight lip about this, because if that Chief Agent finds out about this, you are finished at the post office. Look, there he is. AGENT KINDERMANN Oh, this is horrible. AGENT VOGELBAUM There's a lot of people around. Pretend like you don't know them. AGENT VOGELBAUM and AGENT KINDERMANN start to walk by the others. GELDHUND Here, here, Vogelbaum. Where do you think you're going? AGENT VOGELBAUM Well, so much for that. I was just looking for you, friend! How's it going? GELDHUND Vogelbaum, are you nuts? Who's running my club? AGENT VOGELBAUM Uh...uh...Charlie is! GELDHUND Charlie? Who the hell is Charlie? AGENT VOGELBAUM (quietly, to GELDHUND) Just play along, sir, it'll be alright. GELDHUND I'm in no mood for playing, Vogelbaum. That painting of yours has put me in a real bind. It got mixed up with the Beauregard. AGENT VOGELBAUM Ah, yes, I agree. That is most unfortunate. GELDHUND I'll say it's unfortunate! It may put me out of thousands of marks for a painting I don't even have! AGENT VOGELBAUM You really put me in quite a position. I don't quite know what to say. enter VOGELBAUM and KINDERMANN. GELDHUND Jesus christ on a cross! LENI I don't believe my eyes. AGENT KINDERMANN feels his body to make sure he's there. AGENT KINDERMANN I'm all here. How'd I get over there? AGENT VOGELBAUM Ye gods, Kindermann! We've been cloned! AGENT KINDERMANN These capitalists are light years ahead of us, sir. VOGELBAUM Geldhund, I knew you wanted to multiply the staff at the club, but isn't this a bit too much? GELDHUND I had nothing to with this. This is diabolical, this is what this is! HILDY Two Vogelbaums and two Kindermanns. As if one of each wasn't enough. AGENT VOGELBAUM How did you know my name was Vogelbaum? VOGELBAUM I need a drink. KINDERMANN I feel like I've already had a drink. POLICE OFFICER What's the matter with you people? Haven't you ever seen twins before? VOGELBAUM Twins? I don't have a twin. I'm an orphan. KINDERMANN So am I. AGENT VOGELBAUM So am I. AGENT KINDERMANN So am I. EVERYBODY Ohhhhhhh!!!!!! VOGELBAUM (with his arms out to embrace AGENT VOGELBAUM) Brother! AGENT VOGELBAUM (embracing VOGELBAUM) Brother! KINDERMANN (doing the same with AGENT KINDERMANN) Brother! AGENT KINDERMANN Brother! SEIGFRIED (rolling his eyes) Brother... enter HEINZ. HEINZ I've closed up for the evening, Violet. I thought we might-- (seeing AGENT VOGELBAUM) Ooh, two for the price of one! VOGELBAUM We got it all straightened out, Heinz. I have a twin brother. HEINZ waiter, make mine a double! enter SAL, with CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND and AGENT MILCHSTEIN. SAL Alright. Everybody keep back. These men are under the protection of the Salvation Army! (seeing GELDHUND and MILCHSTEIN) Holy-! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Your holograms won't fool us, swine. We're citizens of the German Democratic Republic. GELDHUND I'm no hologram, Geldhund. I'm flesh and blood. And I'm your long lost brother. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND You people will go to anything lengths, won't you? I tell you, it's low. To taunt a man with no family. AGENT VOGELBAUM It's no trick, Chief Agent. It explains all our mix-ups tonight. We were all separated at birth. CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Four sets of twins all separated at birth? It's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Whoever thought of such a ridiculous story must have rocks in his head. POLICE OFFICER Can you think of a better explanation? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND No. I must admit I can't. (thinks about it for a minute) Very well. I believe you. Allow me to shake your hand. GELDHUND (shaking CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND'S hand) Well, it's a bit formal, but I can live with it. AGENT MILCHSTEIN (to MILCHSTEIN) And, I, yours, sir. MILCHSTEIN (shaking AGENT MILCHSTEIN'S hand) Say! Quite a grip. The two continue to shake hands, looking into each others eyes. The grips become harder and harder, the men straining. Finally, with a grunt, they let go. MILCHSTEIN We've got some catching up to do! AGENT MILCHSTEIN I'll say! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Yes. we'll all have to write each other nice long letters. GELDHUND Hey, loosen up, bub. KUNST Then who's got my painting? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND I believe I do. (removes painting from his trench coat. to GELDHUND) Sir, I believe this is yours. GELDHUND (takes the painting and gives it to HILDY) My dear. HILDY Thank you, lover. HEINZ (taking the painting from LULU) Then this is mine. (looks at it) Beautiful, Violet. Just beautiful. AGENT VOGELBAUM Jeez, I can't even draw a straight line. VOGELBAUM Neither can I! POLICE OFFICER Well, it looks like you people have straightened everything out on your own. I must say I've never seen anything like it. I can't wait to tell the guys down at the station. Good night, folks! EVERYONE Goodnight! etc. LULU Well, not everything is straightened out. You still owe me for that, ahem, you know. GELDHUND Who has that, ahem, you know? KINDERMANN I do! (takes out the baggy) GELDHUND Give it back to her. With all my employees running amuck throughout the streets, I can't afford to be buying any that. LULU Keep it. It will make them better workers. HILDY Well, this calls for a celebration. GELDHUND Yes, by all means. You're all invited back to my club for a badly need getting acquainted session. AGENT VOGELBAUM Chief Agent? CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Yes. I guess that would be alright. But I must say I don't approve of the use of drugs. GELDHUND Then don't do any! CHIEF AGENT GELDHUND Or homosexuality. HEINZ Then don't fuck any guys! GELDHUND Let's go to it! The whole crowd, except for KUNST, SHLIMP, SEIGFRIED AND ROY, goes. HOTHOHNE starts off after the others. KUNST Alright! Party! SHLIMP Not so fast, Kunst. You still haven't paid me the money you owe me. KUNST Damn! I almost forgot! The check! (goes off) Herr Geldhund! Herr Geldhund! KUNST exits. SHLIMP What the hell. I could use a drink. SHLIMP, SEIGFRIED and ROY follow the others off. enter SCHWAMM. SCHWAMM The author of this tragedy would like to extend a heartfelt apology to those members of the audience who happen to know anything about Germany, the art world, espionage or the existence of the telephone. But what the hell, give the guy a little credit. After all, this particular vehicle is over two thousand years old. It's bound to spring leaks in a few places, even if it does have a new coat of paint. What do you expect, kitchen sink? Anyway, I'm keeping you from the party. Let's go! 3. Club Katzenratzen. Cast sings following song: Weinerschnitzel, sourkraut, kindergarten, Kaiser Wilhelm. Pumpernickel, poltergeist, Hanswurst doppel deutschland uber alles. Weisenheimer, Hinderburg, Bauhaus, Blaupunkt, Nina Hagen. Gott in Himmel, Geshundheit, Hanswurst doppel deutschland uber alles. Schickelgruber, Messerschmidt, Katzenjammer, liederhosen. Tannenhauser, Edelweiss, Hanswurst doppel deutschland uber alles. Baader-Meinhoff, glockenspiel, Blitzkreig, strudle und volkswagen. Neue deutsch kino Frankenstein, Hanswurst doppel deutschland uber alles. Rickenbacher, Riefenstahl, Hamburg, Frankfurt, Yaegermeister. Hosenpfeffer, Heidi Fleiss, Hanswurst doppel deutschland uber alles. THE END