THE LUCKIEST GUY or ENDOAHDABOOTMAN Copyright 1996 by Walter Ashbrook Walter A. Ashbrook 99 Ambler Rd. Asheville, N.C. 28803 Copyright 1996 PAu 2-130-563 (704) 299-9488 ACT 1 SCENE 1 INT. Abortion clinic. (The story begins at an abortion clinic. As the lights go up, the audience can see the inside of the clinic. It has a desk, at which is seated an attractive receptionist nurse. Directly behind or to the side of her desk is another door. The desk itself is placed across the stage from the clinic entry door, which is on the far right-hand side of the stage. Action and dialog will take place on both sides of the entry door. Clinic furniture includes couches, a couple of lamps and chairs, pictures, etc. - items as needed. Characters enter the clinic in silence. They look around, lift magazines, check in with the receptionist ect. All characters have entered the clinic and are executing their milling around routine except the wanna-be Yuppie (John Stiles) and his hard working Edith Bunker of a wife (Barbara). They are delivered to the front of the clinic by her bother Fred, a UPS driver. You do not see his truck. He walks them to the entry door.) FRED (talking to Barbara - giving her a hug) Here you are Sis. BARBARA (Sing Song voice) Thanks Fred. Your the best brother in the whole world. How can I thank you. FRED (Looking at John) Move back in with Mom? JOHN (Sarcastically) You don't want her to do that. FRED (Smiling) Do too. JOHN Only if you want her to lose the best husband and you, the best brother in law - in the world. FRED What about the best father? JOHN (Looking out to the audience) Timing's not right Fred boy. (Pause-turning back to Fred.) Little Freddie playing ball this year? FRED Yea. JOHN You coachin'? FRED Yea. You helpin'? JOHN Of course. (Looking inspirational) I need to be there to inspire the young lads. Inspire them into becoming something that they would not ordinarily have been able to become. FRED What? JOHN Inspire them Fred. Be positive with them. (Excited) You have to be positive with kids. (Looking at Fred.) Because when you are positive with kids you can help them become something that they ordinarily would not have been able to become. FRED What? JOHN Yea - positive. Take a murderer on death row for instance. If, as a kid, he got just a little positive reinforcement, just a little, he may have only been a cat burglar - or a bank robber. FRED (Thinking hard.) Yea. JOHN And with a little more positive reinforcement, he may have only been a tax cheat - or T.V. evangelist. (Fred has a look of understanding befuddlement.) JOHN (continuing) Keep it up, first thing you know - he'll be an attorney. FRED (Cynical) You're smart with other peoples kids Johnny boy - what about your own? (Gloating) JOHN (He pauses.) Fred, what is the difference between a man and his son - and a boy and his dog? (another pause-Fred struggles for an answer.) Come on Fred, tell me the difference. FRED (confused) I don't know? JOHN Worm pills. FRED (Looking at Barbara.) What's he talking about? JOHN If a guy can't afford worm pills, he shouldn't have a dog - should he? (A pause, he walks and rambles.) A kid needs more than that. A kid needs all kinds of things. They need shots, a butt without a rash - (pause) a dog without worms. (softly almost to himself.) And I can't give'em that. (Pause, turning to Fred for an excited wrap-up.) When I can afford the worm pills Fred, when I can afford to get my son a dog - I'll get my dog a son. (The final thrust, pointing hard to the ground.) That's why I'm here. BARBARA I thought it was because my life may be in danger. JOHN That to. FRED (Shaking his head - gestures.) If you can't afford kids then why don't you get a job. The boss said he would take you back. You know all the routes. JOHN I don't want a job. I just want time to be, to ponder life, and care for my precious wife. (John walks over to Barbara. He takes her head in his hands. Looks into her eyes and says.) JOHN (continuing) I love you, and will never abandon you. (He kisses her on the forehead. She closes her eyes and sighs. She is a women fulfilled in her relationship. Fred turns his head in a slightly shaking manner. He looks ill. John is the master manipulator, who with this move, wraps up another stretch of martial bliss.) JOHN (continuing; He looks at Fred) Anything else you need to know Fred? FRED No. I've got to go. (Fred begins to walk away.) JOHN Can you pick us up later? FRED If you can wait until 3:30. I start my pick up run. JOHN Yea. Yea. Stop outside and beep. (Fred acknowledges and walks away.) BARBARA I love you Fred. Thanks again. JOHN (Heading for the door, extending his arm.) Lets go honey. Tonight's bowling night. We gotta hustle. Come on. BARBARA (Startled) I don't know if I'll be able to make it tonight. JOHN (confident) Ahhhhh, you'll be fine. I'll get you home, prop your feet up, get ya a couples of Pop Tarts and Bingo, your ready. Besides, tonight its "Granny splits the jackpot," and that could mean a $500.00 bill in our pocket. BARBARA But I'm not a Grandmother. JOHN We'll get ya a wig. (John holds his arm out.) Come on now darling. (They continue to speak as they move to the door. The two enter the clinic. John finds his wife a seat between two well dressed yuppies, Martin and Sue Mickey. He is a millionaire and she a world class shopper. She is the nervous talkative type, and is continually fidgeting. Sue talks to Barbara. They sit on a couch facing the stage.) SUE (Leaning forward on the couch) Have you been here before? BARBARA (Amazed someone wants to talk to HER) No, no I haven't. MARTIN (Looking at Sue then at Barbara.) Hello, I am Martin Mickey, and this is my wife Sue. We don't come here often. In fact, it is the first and I hope - (looking at Sue now - emphasize "only.") the only time we're here. (John comes over from the check in desk. Martin sees him and stands up to introduce himself.) MARTIN (continuing) Hello, I'm Martin Mickey. JOHN (Extending his hand.) John Stiles. (John notices the fine clothes that Martin is wearing.) MARTIN Nice to meet you. JOHN (Looking him up and down.) What do you do for a living? MARTIN (He is looking at Sue and Barbara who are talking about how clean the place is. He pauses then answers nonchalantly.) MARTIN (continuing) Nothing. JOHN (Comparing wardrobes - tucking in his shirt.) Same here. (John finds a guy just like himself, but who can afford to be. He needs to know more, but before he can press anti abortion demonstrators appear outside the door with "Life not death", "Follow the Lord", etc. Jennifer's father Bill stops reading the paper and gets up from his chair to look.) BILL (Holding the newspaper - walking to the window) I am glad we got here early. SUE (Twisting on the couch to look out the window.) Why don't they leave us alone. JENNY (Walking over by her father.) This is hard enough. MARTIN (Interrupts, goes to the center of the room.) It's hard for all of us. We're all individuals in this room - who can not be swayed from our beliefs. Not by money, power or (Looking out at the protesters.) various approaches of secular suasion. (Pause - on his soap box) We all have our reasons for being here. (Pause) Some people here today may have their life in danger. (Barb raises her hand.) (During this time the phone begins to ring.) JOHN (Standing by Barbara now.) She would have to stay in bed the whole pregnancy. One doctor said that her life may be in danger. MARTIN Some may not have the money to support the child. SUE We have the money. MARTIN But not the time. BILL (Standing by his daughter) That bum boy friend of hers wants nothing to do with the child. He won't even agree pay $50.00 a week in child support. (His daughter starts to cry. Father begins to walk and lecture. Barbara goes over to comfort her.) BILL (continuing) This is a different world today. People don't commit anymore. I mean really commit. Today's wedding vows should read "for better or for worse, for richer or for poor, in sickness and in health till death do us part - OR - until a better deal comes along." BILL (continuing; Pause.) I've raised my kids. (Jenny was calmed by the efforts of Barbara, but with her father's last line begins to cry again.) BARBARA (Looking over disapprovingly at Jenny's father) A parents work is never done. (Handing her the Kleenex) Here sweetie, come and sit with us. (She takes Jenny over to the couch and places her between herself and Sue. Everyone else sits down. John and Martin sit together. Jenny's father sits by himself and begins to read the paper he had in his pocket. The phone continues to ring with cancellations. The Nurse works in her book.) BARBARA (continuing; talking to Jenny.) Everything is going to be alright. You have to treat life is like a box of chocolates. When it starts to make you a little sick, (Looking over at Bill) close the lid. (Mid-way through the last sentence Jenny's Father stands straight up. He looks like he has hit the lottery. Still reading the paper, his eyes are as big as saucers. He wanders out into the middle of the room and moans two short ah ah. Everyone looks at him.) JENNY (Worried) Are you O.K Daddy? BILL (After waiting a few seconds) I'm fine. I can't believe it... I...I... JOHN The kid'll come up with the $50.00 bucks a week pal. Let it alone. BILL No No. Not the 50 .... (He begins to laugh almost maniacally.) You have to hear--let me read. (His hands are shaking to much.) (John by now is hook to know. He goes over to Jenny's Father who looks as if he is going to collapse. He is breathing heavily and must sit down.) BILL (continuing; Handing John the paper.) Here - read it. JOHN Where? (Jenny's father points to the article.) BILL Here. (John looks at it a for a second, gets his bearings and then looks around the room to make sure they are all listening. He has no idea what is in the article but likes the fact that he has become the center of attention. Jenny has come over to her Father and is trying to calm him down. John helps her get him to the couch.) JENNY What could be wrong with him? JOHN (Half irritated) Probably short of roughage. Hit Subway on the way home, lots of lettuce - he'll be walkin right again in no time. (John gets back up from helping Jenny's father down and assumes the article reading position. All are interested except Sue who is powdering her nose.) JOHN (continuing; He begins to read) Researchers at The Duke Medical Center today announced that final tests on a new drug, ENDOAHDABOOTMAN, have proved successful. Researchers are hailing this drug as the first "miracles" drug, because of its multi purpose capabilities. In a test study of four-thousand patients it proved time and again to be a total cure for heart disease, HIV, all types of cancer and a number of other wide spread maladies including aging. (Sue is suddenly interested.) The FDA has predicted quick approval for its production and prescription. The drug is derived from Meconium, which is only present in the anal secretions of newborn babies. (People begin to get interested. Jenny moves over by her father. Sue takes her hand as she rubs her stomach with the other one.) JOHN (continuing) Duke researchers have discovered that this infant fecal waste contains a natural antibody that can not be be duplicated in the laboratory. World-wide demand for the drug will be immediate and predicted to be 1.6 Billion people initially. Babies born within the next 10 months will receive a large remuneration for their contributions. (more) JOHN (cont'd) After the 10 month period, supply is expected to catch up with demand, decreasing the price. Experts expect payments to average $3.5 million per child born within the next 10 month period. (The men collapse onto chairs. The women stare into space. Doctor Johnson enters the room from behind the Nurse. He is reading a chart and does not notice the shock on his customers faces or their frozen expressions of readjustment. He begins to talk in his usual upbeat roll with the punches manner. He does not look up until he has his first thought out of his mouth) DOCTOR JOHNSON Well now - We certainly have a chipper looking group here this morning don't we.................. (He looks up to see the masses.) DOCTOR JOHNSON (continuing) There is no reason to be stressed out over this event--it happens all the time. JOHN (He slowly looks up at the Doctor) This doesn't happen all the time. In fact this is my first time here, and... (He drifts off for a second-his head bobbing) This is bigger than Granny splits the pot. BILL (He is mumbling at first, you can't understand.) Pray for twins. (His face is blank. He looks in distress.) DOCTOR JOHNSON What? (The doctor looks at him, feels his pulse.) I think he had a heart attack. (Looking at the receptionist.) Nurse. NURSE (Frazzled) I can't get away from this phone. (The nurse leaves the phone of the hook and makes her way to the group. She is standing right behind the mass of people. Your can not see her.) BILL I'm alright - I was just saying I hope its twins. (Looking at his daughter) They run in our family you know. It wouldn't be the first time. And two are as cheap as one...... the buying power..... DOCTOR JOHNSON (Looking aghast- not in this clinic.) Not in this clinic. Check your fee schedule. NURSE I hope the fee schedule reads better than the appointment schedule, because as of now there is none. DOCTOR JOHNSON (Surprised) What do you mean. We're booked solid for the next five weeks. (Looking about the group.) This group alone will take most of the morning. JOHN (Silence - then handing him the paper.) You'd better read this Doc. (The Doctor begins to read the article as the others talk.) NURSE What's going on? (She looks over the Doctor's shoulder.) What's happening? MARTIN (Serious) Downsizing. NURSE (Confused.) What do mean. DOCTOR JOHNSON It's over. My practice is over. DOCTOR JOHNSON (continuing) (He screams and runs off stage left. Silence rains among the throng for 15 seconds. They glance at one another before conversation begins again.) BARBARA John, are we going to have the baby now? JOHN Yes. BARBARA Is my life still in danger? JOHN No. (Barbara "Edith Bunker" Stiles has that ditzy questioning look on her face. She loves her John and is fighting to understand this new meaning. John looks over and sees she needs a clearer picture.) JOHN (continuing; groping) You see, when he used the word danger, in the discussion of your life. He didn't really mean it that way. It was a... a... MARTIN A metaphor - I am sure. Meaning that life contains risk, and to get ahead, you have to challenge the adventure. JOHN Yea, that's it. The danger darling was not in losing your life, but - in losing the experience of life itself. BARBARA (Looking to Sue and Jenny) He did say that if I decided to have this child I would have to stay in bed the whole pregnancy. (After a pause she begins her next line then looks at John when she says his name in the line.) BARBARA (continuing) It would have meant I would have had to quit work, and John would have had to get a job, (she is sincere in this line - Edith Bunker) and that takes up to much of his time. (John begins to get fidgety. He feels the looks of the crowd begin to shift toward him. He feels them penetrate and does not like it.) JOHN Honey bunch, things have changed. (He sits next to her.) SUE (Speaking to Barbara) This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. BILL This is like winning a lottery. (The nurse starts to move over to the group.) JENNY That you didn't even know you entered. BARBARA (To Martin) Is it because of the money that we are having children now? MARTIN No. (Looking at Susan) This decision is based solely upon our apparent, newfound ability to ....cover costs. BARBARA (Perplexed - Speaking to Martin) I thought the reason you and Sue did not want children was that although you plenty of money you didn't have the time. MARTIN (Semi stuttering, looking for the right words.) Well now its time we.. we..a SUE Made more money. (This suffices for Barbara. She is not sold, but shakes her head and excepts it. The nurse is now in the midst of the group. She is captivated by what she sees as a group of wealthy people whom she admires. She begins to smooze by her looks and affable demeanor, and is standing next to Father. He notices her.) JOHN It's timing and money Barb. One without the other is meaningless. Together they can not be ignored. BILL (Speaking to the nurse) He is going to have to close this place. NURSE Yes. BILL What are you going to do? NURSE Work in a hospital I suppose. (There are a few seconds of silence as the men and women think about their situation and how easy it would be to get her into it. Jenny's Father begins to say something several times. He is shifting around, bringing his hands up to his face, not knowing how to phrase it.) BILL Forget the lives of others. Work on changing yours, Have a kid. NURSE (Takes a few steps away.) You have to have someone special for something like that. My boy friend is in Europe for the summer. I love him, and am totally committed by that love. (Jenny's Father gets a sarcastic look.) BILL Don't you watch MTV? NURSE Well, yes. BARBARA (To Bill) Do you watch MTV? BILL (On a soap box) For information purposes - YES. I acquired and used information gained from that channel for the stabilization and advancement of my daughters life. JENNY (Shyly touching her stomach.) You missed an episode. BILL (Looking at the nurse.) We are talking about 3 and one half Million bucks here. (Smiling) If you're quick. (The nurse begins to falter and leans toward Jenny's Father. He puts his hand on her shoulder. With this other hand he straightens his tie. He starts to put his other hand on the nurse. His Daughter was not watching until late in the action. She picks it up when he is putting his second hand on her shoulder.) JENNY (screaming loudly) Father, you are still married to my mother! BILL (screaming back quickly) I am doing this for your Mother. Don't you see Jenny. I don't want to do this. The thought of this act violates every moral fiber of my body. BUT (calmer) Any child I beget today, will beget me $1.75 million dollars. Half of which will beget to your Mother. I am not to replacing your Mother, (Walking toward Jenny) but enhancing her personal status position in shopping malls everywhere. NURSE What are you talking about, half of it begets to you. BILL It takes two, and that comes to half. (Pause) Don't worry, after the money clears you will never see me again. BARBARA This sounds like a drug deal. BILL (Moving toward the Nurse.) Be it a house or a car or breakfast at Tiffany's. NURSE Oh--I like that song. BILL (Romantically) You will be able to afford it all. And you don't have to put up with me. Go back to your old boyfriend. Get a new one. They will be grovelling at your feet. With that kind of money - you will be queen of your chosen domain. (She looks over to Sue and Barbara on the couch. Barbara's mouth is agape. This is going over her head. Sue can picture the whole thing and gives the nurse the thumbs up. Suddenly the door from the back of the clinic slams open. It is the Doc dressed up in his flowered shirt on-- ready for Florida. Over the flowered shirt he has his white or green operating frock. He has his case full of stuff and is ready to go. He walks through the door into the clinic. Going over to the people he drops the big duffel bag in the midst of the group.) DOCTOR JOHNSON (Addressing the group in general) That's it for me. End of a career. MARTIN We are sorry Doctor, do you need a lift or something? DOCTOR JOHNSON No No I'm fine -- JOHN What are you going to do. DOCTOR JOHNSON Right now - I'm going to the beach. (The ladies get excited--the men nod approval.) DOCTOR JOHNSON (continuing) I need some time off. And when I get back, I think I'll go into family practice, and area I see now to be a growth industry. (Looking at the nurse.) DOCTOR JOHNSON (continuing; To the nurse.) You can have all the pictures on the wall. (Giving her a hug-she starts to cry.) File for unemployment. Good Luck Darling. (The Doc grabs his suitcase and heads for the door. He sees the demonstrators outside through the windows. He smiles and shakes his head.) DOCTOR JOHNSON (continuing) I won't be needing this. (He lifts up his gown and unbuckles an old Western 6 shooter holster and gun outfit. Looking around the room he finally selects Jenny and gives it to her.) DOCTOR JOHNSON (continuing) Take this honey. If you don't have a boy - give it to your little brother. (Looking around the room at the people staring at him.) DOCTOR JOHNSON (continuing) It doesn't work. But by the time they figure that out I'm always long gone. (He raises his hand and waves goodbye.) JOHN See ya Doc. MARTIN (He shakes his hand.) Good luck Doctor. (They all chime in with their good-byes.) (The Doctor goes over to the door leading out into the demonstrators. The crew inside the clinic goes back to talking - except for Barbara. She watches out of the window. He exits the building. The throng is startled that he is emerging from the center in broad daylight.) PREACHER He's coming out. DEMONSTRATOR Watch out - he carries a gun. I saw it on the news. (A guy with a cam corder walks up to film the scene. He is a newsman. There is a T.V. newswoman by his side. The Preacher starts to cower like the rest but then sees the TV camera and decides to stand tall to confront the Doc. The Doc holds up his hand in peace, like the Indians on TV do. He then pulls his White frock back to show them there are no guns under it.) DOCTOR JOHNSON I come in peace. I'm quitting. PREACHER (quizzically) You're quitting? (The Doctor looks at him wanting to tell him the whole story but decides is to much for them to grasp in one sitting so he goes along.) DOCTOR JOHNSON (Looking somewhat at the audience) Quitting. (dropping his bag) DOCTOR JOHNSON (continuing) You won, fair and square. I saw the light (The Preacher looks at him in a questioning manner but it is to late. When the rest of the demonstrators see the Doc has a gun they got back up. Now one of them speaks.) DEMONSTRATOR He saw the light. (Others echo) He saw the light. He saw the light. (One of the demonstrators begins to sing this set of words the "I saw the Light". He saw the light. He saw the light. He's now on our side , He's in the right. We won the battle - He quite the fight. Praise the Lord Doc saw the light." The eyes of Barbara have followed the Doc through all of this. The rest are in the room talking until she calls them over to see the spectacle developing on the outside.) BARBARA (Motioning to the group.) Look at this. (The singing demonstrators repeat the lines until they dance their way off the stage. The Doctor loves the attention of his former adversaries, and they treat him like the golden calf. The TV duo follows him with the camera as the group escorts him off stage left. The preacher is lagging behind the group watching in disbelief. The singing is still going in the distance. He looks at them as they exit, and then looks back toward) (the clinic. The Preacher walks to the door and enters the clinic. All eyes are on him when he enters.) SUE This place is closed. PREACHER But why? (John hands him the newspaper article. He begins to read it.) MARTIN (Looking at the preacher but speaking to everyone else in the room.) MARTIN (continuing) This is changing everyone's life. At least for the next 10 months. Maybe beyond, depending on where the market price ends up at. (The preacher starts to shake his head in disbelief. He looks up, glances around the room and looks once again at the newspaper.) JOHN What do you mean. (The preacher looks at him and then Martin.) MARTIN I mean we are going to get $3.5 million now. After 10 months, with all the babies produced just to get the cash, the supply will increase dramatically. A child's first poop may only fetch $150,000.00. NURSE The question then becomes whether or not it is worth it for a women to have a child for $75,000.00 cash. SUE Honey, if you go to a sperm bank you could keep the whole purse. BILL As originators, we men can withhold or withdraw all deposits. NURSE (Looking at Bill.) O.K. - Fifty fifty. (The nurse takes Bill's hand and leads him toward the back of the clinic. ) MARTIN (Talking smugly) Careful you two. JOHN Make every shot count. (laughing) (Everyone gets into the spirit. Jenny has her hands on her hips in mock disapproval. Bill stops and looks back at the group. He hitches his britches up and has one of those "Elvis is back in action" looks. Everyone begins to wave boom voyage, like they are going a cruise or something. The Preacher takes a look at his newspaper and then looks at them. He then stands up and takes a few steps into the middle of the scenes.) PREACHER (Addressing the group in general) Something is happening here that is -- not right. (The room goes silent as the preacher's thrust of the old moral line freezes the participants.) PREACHER (continuing; looking at the Nurse and Bill.) Where are you going? NURSE (Groping) Uh ... uh. BILL (Recovering slightly) Through that door. PREACHER (On his pedestal and loud) Why? (The Nurse and the Bill begin to stumble for the answer. They shift around, look at one another, and then at the group for help. The rest of the group is turns away. Finally Bill speaks.) BILL (Still stumbling) We were... going... back there... to, uh to... (Barbara is Edith Bunker in and out. She is the go along girl, a good person, and although she is a little slow, she is also resourceful and wants to deliver the best non answer answer she can think of.) BARBARA To get a lottery ticket. (Everyone looks at Barbara trying to figure out what she said. They look perplexed, then nod their heads in agreement. Bill shrugs his shoulders and sticks his arm toward Barbara, as he is looking at the Preacher in a way that tells the Preacher that is his answer. The Nurse and the Father then begin to turn toward the door. The others in the room get in the "that answer is going to fly" spirit and once again begin to wave good-by. The Preacher is not so easily swayed.) PREACHER (Like Wizard of OZ "Silence whipper Snappers.") That is not true. (They all begin to cower back down once again, as the "lottery" couple's trip to the back room is put on hold once again. Barbara rise slowly after the preacher finishes.) BARBARA Reverend. These are good people, trying to do the same thing you were trying to do outside that (Pointing to the door.) door, just a little while ago. PREACHER (With a slight sensing of table turn.) How is that? BARBARA They are going to save lives, by creating one. Countless people will benefit. (The others in the room quickly see the logic of the argument. Their faces go from skepticism to one of complete agreement. The backs of the whole group straighten as justification is given to all of them. Others begin to chime in their personal insights.) JOHN Like people with no jobs. JENNY No houses. MARTIN No Yachts. (Everyone looks at Martin.) JOHN (Lancelot with a new spear) Yea Reverend, millions will benefit from this "Miracles" drug. Millions will be thankful for the opportunity to live. BILL (Like Barnum & Bailey) With more people alive, and thankful to be so - churches will fill up. (The Preacher begins to shift.) MARTIN People who get large sums of money look for ways to spend that money that will do good. Since religious contributions are deductible - BARBARA That does them a lot of good. (Everyone pauses and looks at Barbara confused.) MARTIN (He is looking to but continues on.) The people whose lives are saved by this will be the most thankful of all. (His voice becoming increasingly pious) MARTIN (continuing) And they will, at the church of their choice, and in the form of money, thank the one that they should, for their good fortune. BARBARA (Truly touched by his oratory-to Martin.) That was beautiful. Where do you give thanks? MARTIN We don't...ah SUE (Coming in hurriedly.) have a church right now. But we are looking, Reverend. Can you suggest one? (The preacher pauses and looks around the room for a few seconds. He walks to the back of the stage. All are facing him as he turns to speak.) PREACHER I was wrong. Totally wrong. (The "lottery" couple smiles.) PREACHER (continuing) I can and should do nothing here - but give it my blessing. (Everyone in the room is relieved, the tension is broken, and all is well in their world. They are happy because they are now on a strong moral footing as well as a firm financial one.) BILL (Addressing him like a hero) You won't regret this Reverend. (The happy couple begins to wave good bye again as they head for the back door of the clinic. They are being sent off like a couple that just got married. Especially since the Preacher gave their actions his blessing. People begin to say their good-byes.) JENNY Not to long now, and Mother and I are going to go shopping. (She gives a little finger wave.) JOHN (Sarcastically) Concentrate on the $1.75 million dollars you are going to get there Billy boy. (The reverend, who had looked in complete agreement somewhat jovially looks suddenly shocked.) PREACHER (He says to softly for the group to hear.) How much is he getting for this. (The happy couple is almost through the door. The Preacher realizes this is his last chance to be heard on this subject. He shatters the party with his booming question. He is facing and addressing Bill directly now.) PREACHER (continuing; To Bill) How much money are you getting for this? BILL (Matter-of-factly) One million, seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Exactly one half of the total expected revenues. NURSE And I will never have to see him again. BILL (Looking at the Nurse, patting her hand.) The perfect relationship. (The Preacher walks to the middle of the room. The happy couple begins to turn to exit.) PREACHER I'll do it one million even. (The couple freezes in their tracks and turns quickly toward the Preacher.) BILL What? (The Preacher walks slowly over to the nurse. He takes her hand in his. Bill is shaking his head silently in disbelief. The nurse is falling for the Preacher's deal and the Preacher himself. He looks into her eyes. The women in the room are romantically moved. They are watching this like it was Romeo and Juliet.) BILL (continuing; Angry) You can't do this. PREACHER (Pause - looking at the nurse.) Only with the lady's permission. (She says not a word but moves to him taking both of his hands.) BILL (Speaking coyly) Do you not have a wife, Reverend? PREACHER Yes I do. But as you stated, there are other considerations here. What I will do here is not for me - but for the world. (He smiles at the people in the room. The Nurse by this time is actually in love with the guy. She is hanging on him as they turn and go through the door to the back of the clinic. Bill lunges at the Preacher but Martin and John restrain him. He becomes disheveled. The door closes. There is silence in the room. The women are looking out at the audience - absorbing the latest activity. Bill is heading toward the couch, next to Jenny, disheveled, dejected and utterly beaten. He plops down on he couch and sighs.) BILL (A long sigh. Jenny feels sorry.) ahhhhhhhhh JENNY (Her hand is on his.) Don't worry Dad. Whatever's mine is yours and Mom's. (Bill looks at her and smiles.) (Just then the outside door of the clinic opens. All eyes except those of Bill and Jenny,who is tending her Father, turn toward the door. It is Jenny's boyfriend - Jimmy. He is a typical 20 year old. He could have Tattoos, an ear ring, long hair - or none of these. See what you can find. His eyes pan the room quickly to see if he is to late. He is panting hard and clutches a newspaper in his hand. Jenny see's him last - a few seconds after the others. She lets go of Bill's hand, startled, and gasps slightly, putting her hand to her mouth. Her father still has his head back on the couch with his eyes closed. He hears the slight gasp and with his eyes still closed puts his hand out to touch Jenny's hand again.) BILL You're so sweet. JIMMY (His eyes finding her.) Jenny. (She turns away from him. Her father's eyes open wide at the sound of the voice. He begins to blink his eyes and shake his head as if he heard a nightmare. Jimmy runs over to her and gets in front of her. She turns away again.) JIMMY (continuing; Frantic) Have you had it yet? Have you had it yet? JENNY (Upset - crying.) Why do you want to know? JIMMY (Shaking the newspaper at her.) Because. Because..........Jenny. (He calms down and speaks again.) Because before - I couldn't even afford the $50.00 a week your cheapskate father would have settled for. (He begins to laugh.) $50.00 a week. What can that buy? Grown ups. Are they even conscious? KNOCK, KNOCK. I think more of my child than that and you should to. (Bill is awake and cooking now. His face is somewhat maniacal - contorted.) JENNY You said you wanted nothing to do with the baby. JIMMY (putting his hands on her shoulders) This has nothing to do with the baby. This has only to do with us - with you. (Pause - hands still on her shoulders.) I love you - and will never abandon you. BARBARA (Looking at Jimmy. Leaning.) Do you bowl on Tuesday nights? JIMMY (Confused, looking at Barbara.) No. BILL (Leaning forward-restrained by others) You lousy short of $50.00 dollars a week son of a ...... (Just before the word bitch, Sue puts her hand over Bill's mouth. Others help subdue him. His eyes bug out, and his face turns red as he tries to speak. Jimmy sees him for the first time. He is not scared, or shocked - only disgusted.) JIMMY (Disgusted) Where did HE come from? SUE (Sitting on the other subduers.) From almost a dream come true. JOHN (Helping subdue Father.) It's worse than quitting cigarettes. (Pausing - still fighting to subdue.) It's your hopes that are shattered, not your measly body. (Bill continues to be subdued by the group. Jenny walks over to Jimmy. He sees her, smiles, takes her hands, and looks into her eyes.) JIMMY (Carefree - unconcerned) Are you hungry? (Jenny shakes her head yes.) JIMMY (continuing) Wendy's? (Jenny reacts as if she were invited to Europe for the summer. She hugs him, runs and grabs her purse, and they run out of the clinic. While they are in the midst of this, the Nurse and Preacher come into the room from the back of the clinic. They stand at the back of the room, observing the end of the scene. He is holding her shoes. Everyone watches the kids run out of the clinic. After they leave, John walks up to Bill. Martin and Sue have just released him.) JOHN (Speaking to Bill.) You know what I would do if I were you? BILL (Looking exhausted.) What? JOHN Go to Cherokee tomorrow , your luck's bound to change. (Bill shakes his head in agreement.) I'll back ya for half. PREACHER (Holding up her shoes.) And I will take the other half. (Everyone turns toward the two entrepreneurs. There is a moment of silence. The Preacher has his other arm loosely around the waste of the Nurse. He drops her shoes and she slips them on.) JOHN (Looking astonished) But how could you possibly..... NURSE (Holding up two fingers) Twice. PREACHER (Looking at the nurse.) Why take a chance. SUE In five minutes flat? PREACHER I used to be a professional baseball player. (Everyone in the room looks at one another for a second, then shakes their head yes, in full understanding. They have the "that explains it" look.) PREACHER (continuing) And now, like many of my old teammates and all of my new colleagues, (He gestures to the people in the room.) I am going to be rich. (Looking at the nurse) We're in the money. (He starts to sing and then everyone starts to sing "we're in the money". As they do, they begin to move the set around. Scene two will take place in John and Barbara's house. Half the set will be John and Barbara's house and the other half will be a Country Club. The house will have a large calendar on the wall showing the date, a Home Sweet Home sign etc. as well as Barbara's bed which will be in the living room of the house so she is not so isolated during her pregnancy. She is lying in bed watching T.V. John is at the table sipping coffee and reading reading The Wall Street Journal. There are many boxes opened and unopened laying around. The Country Club will be on the right and the house on the left. The door to the house is on the left. Her brother Fred will enter from there carrying an arm full of boxes.) SCENE 2 BARBARA How is your new newspaper? JOHN (Unimpressed, shaking his head.) A sports page. BARBARA What? JOHN It's missing a sports page. I don't understand playing the stock market. No leagues, no playoffs, and the season never ends. (Pause) It reminds me of work. (Fred knocks on the door and enters with an arm full of boxes.) FRED Delivery. JOHN What are you doin' here Fred, did you change routes? FRED (Getting his paperwork together.) Na, just traded for today. I wanted to see you guys. (Looking at all the new surroundings.) I heard you guys were the biggest stop on the route. (Walking in and looking around-talking.) JOHN (Proudly) People are noticing - huh?. FRED (Stopping - looking at John - gesturing.) How are you paying for all this stuff? I know that with the baby you'll get millions, but that's a couple of months away, and..... (While he is talking John goes up to Fred and stuffs a wad of bills in his pocket at the word "and".) JOHN Here Freddie. FRED What's this? JOHN The smell of roses - for a great family - that can hardly afford the glade mist. (Pats him on the shoulder) Have some fun Pal. Buy the kids some new ball gloves, get Shirley a new dress. Two new dresses, (Getting excited with the possibilities.) a dozen new...... FRED (Pulling out the wad of bills, interrupts John.) These are Hundred dollar bills. BARBARA He's a little short this week. JOHN (Looking nervous - then confident.) Martin's coming over, I'll pick some more up this afternoon. FRED (Stunned - surprised) Pick up more? JOHN Yea. These bankers guys just give me the stuff, no questions asked. Except- how is Barbara, when is the baby due, what is our doctors name and address - that kind of thing. FRED (Looking puzzled.) Do they know you are in bankruptcy? BARBARA He never told them. I think he should tell them. JOHN (Matter-of-factly.) They never ask. I think they should ask. FRED (He is getting interested - subdued.) How much did you get? (John looks at Barbara to see if it is O K to let him in on the family business. She nods her head.) JOHN (Thinking hard, counting on his fingers.) Well.........let's see. There was a $150,000.00 advance from the top loan officer at Wachovia...and the $250,000.00 advance from from the 1st Union guy...... (Fred's eyes popping, jaw dropping) BARBARA That's under my mattress. JOHN (Meekly.) Ah, not anymore honey. BARBARA Sure it is. I can still feel the lump. JOHN That's the racing form. (John looks a little nervous, Fred starts to shift a little, Barbara is trying to figure this out.) BARBARA The racing form. FRED (Nervous) I got to go. (There is a knock at the door. It is Martin and Sue. Sue has come to sit with Barbara while the men go to the Country Club. They knock twice and then enter the room. Fred exits as they enter. They have become old friends. People with things in common. Sue enters first, and is also 7 months pregnant.) SUE (Happy as hell.) Hi, I brought you some flowers. (She takes them over for Barbara to see. This distracts Barbara from the racing form dilemma.) BARBARA (Confused-recovering her thought.) What is the racing form doing in there? JOHN (Speaking very quickly) Honey. Martin and I have to get going. (Getting his coat as he walks to the door.) I love you. (John is pushes Martin out the door. They exit to the right of the set and disappear. They will reappear shortly in the country club. ) JOHN (continuing; Speaking very fast but quiet.) Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go. (Looking back at Barbara - fake smile.) SUE How did what get where? BARBARA The racing form - under my mattress. SUE (Shaking her head - understanding.) Is he taking good care of you? BARBARA Oh yea. The man of my dreams has only gotten better. SUE The don't worry about it. (pause) Save it though, in case the man of your dreams - moves into the nightmare category. Then take it to your attorney. BARBARA Does he like Horse racing to? (Sue looks confused as the lights dim on set left. The boys enter set right from the back. This is the country club. Martin and John enter and set down at a table near the audience. There is a bar in the back highlighted in red and blue light(lighting optional - do what you can). There is a bar tender and waiter. You cannot make out because of the distance and lack of light. There are four people sitting at the bar drinking. Three men and one woman. They are sitting down at your average dining table with a table cloth, flowers condiments, etc.) MARTIN (Looking somewhat frazzled.) I sure hope the service has improved. JOHN Ah don't worry. Bad service is better than no service at all. At least that is what I used to tell my old boss. (Martin gives John a dirty look. The bartender starts to approach the table from the back of the room.) JOHN (continuing) That is the same way he looked at me - on my last day there. Is there a correlation? (John smiles his goofy smile at Martin.) (The bar tender stops at the table. It is the preacher. He is no longer preaching and gives the fellows his story.) JOHN (continuing; recognizing the preacher.) Look who's here. MARTIN (Standing - shaking hand.) Reverend. How've you been? PREACHER Fine. Fine. Except - I am not a Reverend anymore. JOHN (Looking puzzled) What? PREACHER (Looking like he is in the confessional.) I lost my congregation. MARTIN Why? PREACHER (He pauses - looks up.) It all started when my wife found out that I hit the Jackpot. JOHN Twice in one sitting. (Trying to be accurate-serious.) MARTIN Well - not exactly sitting. (They look at one another and agree by mutual look that it was not a setting.) PREACHER (Shaking his head yes.) She filed for divorce. JOHN So - how did you lose your congregation? PREACHER Well. In the divorce settlement, She was awarded my half of of C.P.R.'S. (John and Martin look confused.) JOHN Your half of the mouth to mouth revenues? PREACHER No, No. I'm talking about C.P.R.'s. The child Poop revenues. MARTIN (Shaking his head) C.P.R. now means child Child Poop Revenues? Wow. PREACHER Yea, they are sort of financial mouth to mouth. MARTIN Wow. JOHN (a dreamer look in his eyes.) This thing's bigger than DOS. PREACHER And harder to comprehend. The congregation stuck with me until the judge gave her all the C.P.R.'s. Then they voted me out and her in. JOHN Because you lost the money? PREACHER Yes. (There is a pause as the Preacher looks at a confused John and Martin.) PREACHER (continuing) When I lost my share of the C.P.R.'s - it was like loosing the matching funds in a political campaign. She was swept into the pulpit. JOHN It does change the way you're treated by the world. (The preacher looks over his shoulder to see if anyone is watching. His boss, the bar tender is standing in the back with his hands on his hips looking at him.) PREACHER (Hastily - Worried) Yes, and right now I am being viewed like the $5.50 an hour value pack that I am. Order quick men, or I won't even be that. MARTIN (Gesturing) Gin martini - dry. JOHN Diet coke please. PREACHER (Writing on a pad.) I'll be right back. (John stands up, cups his hands to his mouth and shouts to the bartender. He points at the appropriate time.) JOHN That guy is the best waiter I have ever seen. (Pause) He is really good. I'd give him a raise. (He gives the bartender the O.K. sign.) (This is all done while the preacher is heading back to get the drinks. After this, John and Martin begin to talk.) JOHN (continuing; Looking around the room.) I appreciate you bringing me here Martin. When Barbara has the baby, I'm going to join this place. MARTIN (Looking at John.) Why don't you join now? You've got the money. JOHN Na. I'll wait until Barbara gets on her feet again. She may not like this place as much as I do. Besides, I don't have the money--anymore. MARTIN (Stunned.) You are kidding. JOHN (Relaxed.) Na. It's all gone. (John could care less, but Martin is shaken up by this. He leans across the table glares at John.) MARTIN (Still leaning) Where did it go? JOHN (Thinking hard, being accurate.) Well, These nice bankers (Martin rolls his eyes and turns his head,) whom I have met here at this fine club because of you - my good friend, have loaned me on just my signature - $550,000.00. MARTIN (Looking up.) Where did it go? JOHN Well - $50,000 dollars went to an old friend of mine, Sammy Cooperstien, who got laid off from down at Parcel Post. (Talking quick, matter of factly.) He has 3 kids and medical bills, a wife that had her tubes tied......I mean the guy was ready to eat the Prosac. AND I just gave $10,000 dollars to Fred...... (He--seeing Martin looking disgusted--explains.) He's a good guy. (Deep insight - Leaning forward) You can't give him to much at once - or he won't take anything. I started him small, but when the time is right, I'm gonna pour it on him..... (John smacks one fist into the other.) MARTIN Go on. Go on. JOHN I bought some things for Barbara and the house. JOHN (continuing; Looking up in the air thoughtfully.) I gave Bill $300,000 to start a restaurant. MARTIN You gave him - how much? JOHN (almost apologetically) $300,000. It wasn't much compared to what will be coming in but.... MARTIN (Angry-shaking his head.) Wasn't much? Wasn't......... Did you just give it to him, or are you going to own the restaurant? JOHN (John is a little cocky now.) Well, I gave it to him with the stipulation that if Barbara ever needs a job - he will give her one. MARTIN You don't have any paperwork saying that you own the restaurant? JOHN Na. MARTIN Are you crazy. Don't you want to own the.... JOHN (Snapping back) Right Martin. Buy a job for $300,000.00 dollars, when people been trying to give'em to me for free. MARTIN (After a pause - looking forlorn) Did I tell you that I am flat broke? JOHN (Looking surprised) What? (One man and the woman at the bar say silent good-byes and leave. Now there are only two men standing at the bar.) MARTIN Broke. JOHN (Shaking his head.) I don't understand. You're gonna have $3.5 million dollars. MARTIN (Look of resignation.) That won't help my problem. JOHN Why not? MARTIN (Depressed) I owe $6.5 million dollars. (John looks like he swallowed a fly.) JOHN How did that ever happen? MARTIN With a little help from your friends. (Martin looks toward the bar where two men stand drinking and looking over at them as they speak. The Preacher is working the bar area. He finishes preparing John and Martin's drinks and brings them over.) JOHN (quizzically) What da ya mean? MARTIN They wanted what I had more than I did. They kept extending credit until it was more than I could handle. Then they wanted it back. MARTIN (continuing) JOHN Why didn't you give it to em? MARTIN For the same reasons you'll come up short. I didn't have it. MARTIN (continuing; Pause) I invested in sky resort up near Mars Hill. It was 80 per cent complete - (He looks toward the bankers.) When THEY called the loans in for payment. JOHN (Confused) They - meaning the bank, or they meaning the guys on the bar stools. MARTIN The guys on the bar stools as employees of the bank called my loans in for payment. But those same two men you see sitting there now - will as individuals - purchase my nearly complete Ski resort for 10 cents on the dollar. MARTIN (continuing; With resignation, Martin stands up and begins to walk.) You have more money that I do. So you see -- when I get upset about your generosity, it is because I am really upset - at my ignorance (Looking at John.) Which your actions remind me of. JOHN (Confused) How are these guys going to get this property at $.10 on the dollar. MARTIN A sealed bid sale held at the courthouse, this afternoon. (Martin looks over at the bankers. They look like vultures perched and ready to swoop. Like pool sharks or gunslingers in three piece suits ready for opportunity at another's expense.) JOHN Where's it at? MARTIN The courthouse. (Martin takes a sip of his drink.) They're getting ready to go over there now. JOHN How come they are so nice to me? MARTIN You remind them of somebody. (With that Martin looks toward the bar. The two make eye contact with Martin. He waves at them.) JOHN (Nervously) Don't wave. (John then looks at them and smiles broadly.) (The two men get up from the bar and come over to the table. John is a nervous. Martin stands up and shakes their hands first. Foster and Robert are well dressed money-men. John starts to tear a napkin nervously glancing at the two men as they approach.) MARTIN (Shaking hands) How are you Foster? (Still shaking.) Robert? JOHN (excited- shaking Fosters hand.) Hello Mr. Tarnow. Good to see you again Mr. Berrings. FOSTER (A slick, well postured man feigning pleasure.) Sit down, sit down. Friends don't stand on formality. (They all sit down and can be seen by the audience. Robert is leaning on the table as they talk, smiling and nodding.) FOSTER (continuing; Talking to John-slowly-calculating) How is the wife John. JOHN (Looking slightly away.) Barbara? She's fine - fine. ROBERT (Talking to John.) How is the money holding out? JOHN (Looking surprised - half laugh.) I couldn't spend that much money if I had to. MARTIN Hasn't spent a dime. FOSTER (Smiling) I bet that Barbara sure can, once she gets on her feet. (They all laugh.) ROBERT (Excited - looking at John) I've been in touch with Barbara's physician. He has told me confidently that your child's intestines are twice as big around as the usual size intestine. (Foster gets an envelope of cash from his pocket and holds it.) ROBERT (continuing; Making a circle with his hand.) Big as a summer sausage. JOHN (Smiling nervously) Oh boy. FOSTER (Smiling broadly.) Could be full of it. MARTIN (Looking at audience - mumbling.) A chip off the old block. (The others look at him for a second, raise their eyebrows and then back look back at John.) FOSTER (Handing it to John.) Here my boy. Take this. You can pay us when the baby arrives. JOHN (Looking at the money.) I, I really can't. FOSTER (Forceful) We insist. ROBERT (Still smiling and nodding.) You are bringing a life into this world, and prosperity to us all. FOSTER This is an opportunity. (Both bankers laugh and shake their heads. Martin holds his hands up to discourage. The bar tender comes over to the table. He arrives at the speaking of the last line. John, somewhat grudgingly takes the money. Martin shows disappointment at John's decision, unseen by the bankers.) PREACHER (Carrying a tray.) Will there be anything else? JOHN (Standing up - counting money - taking charge.) Can Martin buy you fellows a drink? (Foster and Robert look at Martin and then back at John.) FOSTER (Confused.) You are not a member yet? JOHN (Relaxed) Na. To expensive. (Robert and Foster laugh. Martin looks sick to his stomach.) FOSTER (Bankers are getting up.) No thanks John. (Short pause.) Martin can buy us a drink later. (Foster pauses for a second and looks at Martin. Martin looks back. The Preacher picks up the old glasses, loads them onto the tray and leaves.) FOSTER (continuing; getting up.) We've got to go. ROBERT Work to do. JOHN (Feinted joy - big face smile.) Good luck fellows. I hope you make lots of money so you can give it to me. FOSTER (Smiling,shaking his head and John's hand.) Good day John. (Foster tips his hat to Martin.) Martin. ROBERT (Leaning toward John) Careful with that money son. (Moving close speaking softly.) I want to talk to you sometime about a real estate opportunity that will present itself soon. You look like a smart boy. JOHN (Winking at him, playing along) I'm shrewd. (Robert waves at Martin. The two of them then go back toward the bar and exit.) JOHN (continuing; Looking at Martin.) Loaded again. MARTIN (Shaking his head) It won't last forever. JOHN Neither will life - but that does not stop me from regular participation. MARTIN (Martin checks his watch.) Hey. We still have three hours before teeing off. Ya wanna go work out? JOHN (Tapping his fingers - Thinking hard.) Na. Can I borrow your car. I wanna go see Barbara. MARTIN (Shaking his head - throwing him the keys.) Sure. How come you have all the money and I have all the stuff? JOHN I'm shrewd. MARTIN (Feigning disgust.) Get out of here. JOHN (waving) See you in a couple of hours. ( Martin exits to the right. As he passes the Preacher he says good bye. As John leaves, the lights on that side of the stage dim and the ones at Barbara's house come up. You can see Barbara in bed sleeping and Sue paging through a magazine. The phone rings - Sue answers it.) SUE (Answering the phone, Barbara stirs then stops.) Hello. - Oh hi John. - Barbara? (She turns to look at her.) She's fine. - Any message? - I'll tell her. See you fellows later - And Don't forget the pizza. Bye Bye. (She hangs up the phone as Barbara awakes and speaks her next line.) BARBARA Who was that? SUE (Walking over to the bed.) That was your John. He was just checking on you. How are you feeling? BARBARA (Talking slowly) My head is throbbing. SUE You need some aspirin. (Sue walks over to the table to get a glass of water and some aspirin.) SUE (continuing; Walking back to the bed, handing her the pills) Take these. (Barbara takes the aspirin with water. She sits up to do this. Sue supports her. After she is finished she sits up for just a second and then flops back down to her pillow.) BARBARA I don't feel good. SUE What's wrong? BARBARA I don't feel good at all. SUE Should I call the doctor? BARBARA No. (Pause) Call the hospital. SUE (Dazed) You want to go to the hospital? (Sue walks at a normal pace to the phone.) BARBARA (Looking toward Sue.) Hurry. (Sue hurries to the phone. Barbara moans again. Sue picks up and dials.) SUE I need an ambulance. My friend is sick. --She is expecting her first child and all of a sudden she's sick--all of a sudden. (Loud moan from Barbara, Sue turns toward her.) address..... (She searches and finds a stack of mail on the dresser and filters through to one with the address on it.) SUE (continuing; Reading into the phone.) It's 12 Gladstone. Beverly Hills--the east end of town. That's right. That's right. Please hurry. (She hangs up the phone and runs back to Barbara. Barbara holds up her hand. Sue takes it and sits on the edge of the bed.) BARBARA (Looking at Sue.) I'm feeling a little better. SUE You'll be alright honey. You just need the doctors to look at you. BARBARA Can you call John? SUE Sure I can. (Sue goes over to the phone and dials a number. After she dials the last number Barbara begins to moan again.) BARBARA Oh Sue. Help. (Barbara turns over on her side. Sue hangs up the phone and runs back over to the bed. She puts her arms around Barbara.) BARBARA (continuing) I hurt so bad. My stomach....... (Sue begins to panic. She puts her arms around Barbara again hugs her and then lays her down. She runs back over to the phone.) SUE (After dialing 911 again.) This is the lady at 12 Gladstone. You are going to have to hurry. (Turning away from Barbara, speaking into phone) She's really sick. (The audience then sees the flashing blue lights from off stage. When she turns around Sue sees them to.) SUE (continuing) They're here. (Sue runs over to the left side of the stage where the paramedics enter the room. They knock on the door. Sue lets them in.) MEDIC What's the problem. SUE (Pointing to Barbara) Over here. She expecting. (The medics run over to the bed, take her pulse, feel her forehead, etc.) SUE (continuing; Searching for hope) Will she be alright? MEDIC She have a husband? SUE Yes. MEDIC Get a hold of him. Have him come to Memorial Mission - emergency room. SUE Right. Right. (Sue runs back to the phone and calls the C.C. While she is on the phone the Medics tend to Barbara. They do not load her on the cart. The lights go down. The actors change the stage into a hospital room. Flip the home sweet Home sign. Make it look sterile and clean. Barbara stays in bed. Change the blanket to hospital issue. The lights go up on the other half of the stage. It is the reception room. John enters.) RECEPTIONIST Can I help you? JOHN I got a call on the car phone. I'm John Stiles. My wife has been admitted here. RECEPTIONIST (Looking concerned.) I'll tell the doctor you're here. (She picks up the telephone.) Doctor Bradley. Mr. Stiles is here. --I'll tell him. (Looking up at John) Please have a seat Mr. Stiles, the doctor will be right in. (John paces nervously. He glances at magazines on the waiting room table. Picking some up, paging through them quickly and discarding them back onto the table. The doctor enters the room from the right of the stage. It is dark in that area.) DOCTOR JOHNSON (He looks the part -- green everything.) Hello I'm Doctor Bradley. JOHN (Offering his hand.) I'm John Stiles. How is my wife? DOCTOR BRADLEY (Looking toward the ground.) She is not good. JOHN Can you fix her up? DOCTOR BRADLEY I'll do my best...I JOHN You've got to make her well. JOHN (continuing; panic, taking control) (John pulls the money out of his pocket.) Look. Look, look, look, look. I got money Doc. The green stuff. The stuff boats are made of. No receipt necessary Doc. I don't itemize. (a sudden realization-looking away.) I don't even report. (John is talking in a fast staccato style delivery. He is trying in his own way to control the situation and save Barbara. He is a combination Woody Woodpecker and Bugs Bunny. He is always fanning the money in Doctor Bradley's face.) JOHN (continuing; Doc looks away.) The new Porches are out. (He tires to hand him the money - it is refused) Think of the babes Doc. The babes, the babes. (He thumbs through the money again.) (John begins to tire.) I'll be here with the money Doc. (He sits-talks slower.) I'll do my job. You do yours. (John begins to break down.) (The Doctor hesitates a second. He looks at the nurse and then back at John. He puts his hand on John's shoulder and leads him to a seat.) JOHN (continuing; Emotionally spent) How is my wife? DOCTOR BRADLEY She's hemorrhaged. (At that, the lights come up on the scene in the next room. They illuminate only the scene in the back of the stage area. They are working on Barbara and the baby from behind a curtain. You can see shadows through the scrim. There is a light hanging overhead. You see this as the doctor speaks) DOCTOR BRADLEY (continuing; His hand on John's shoulder.) We have taken the baby Mr. Styles. He is fine. A strong boy. JOHN (Slowly) What about my wife? DOCTOR BRADLEY (Long pause--hands on John's shoulders) You both knew the risks from the beginning ... you have a fine son. JOHN (Emotional) Do you think that sometime real soon, you may be able to say that - we - have a fine son. (Doctor Bradley doesn't say anything. His head drops slightly.) JOHN (continuing; Looking up.) I want to go back to Kansas Doc. DOCTOR BRADLEY (He sits next to John looks out over audience.) You Know - there are only two great tragedies in this life. The first is to never get your hearts desire. (John looks at Doctor Bradley) DOCTOR BRADLEY (continuing; Pausing, looking at John.) And the second one is - to get it......Most people get only one per lifetime. You Son, may get both - on the same day. You want to go back to Kansas? Then pray for a gust of wind..... (more) DOCTOR BRADLEY (cont'd) (He looks at John.) from the wings of angels. (There is a pause here. The music starts to play softly. It grows louder as the scene progresses.) JOHN (Looking at the Doc - very intense.) Can I see her? DOCTOR BRADLEY I've got to go. (Taped Piano music continues to play. It is a song entitled "AFTER." The doctor pats John on the arm and reenters the operating room. A nurse puts a mask and a gown on him and he goes back behind the curtain and begins work. The lights brighten on stage left but only over the operating area. The lights dim slightly in the waiting room area. John lays on the couch with his forearm over his eyes. Everyone from the first day at the clinic begin to file in. They stand off to the side while the music plays. The room is like a wake. In the operating room, everyone continues their course until toward the end of the song. Then movement from behind the curtain begins to slow. The lights begin to dim once again. The Doctor emerges from behind the screen. A nurse helps remove his mask and surgical gown. They look at one another. The lights dim. The lights simultaneously come up in the waiting room. John is still on the couch. Martin and Fred approach him and touch his shoulder. John is startled and sits up quickly.) JOHN (Startled) Martin. (He sees Fred.) Fred. What are you doing here? FRED Martin called Muhammad in Dispatch. He radioed me about Barbara. (John sits up and sees the others in the room.) BILL (Walking toward John. Smiling.) The reverend got a hold of me. People in the food business--stick together. JOHN (Looking at Jimmy) You're still alive? JIMMY (Bill's daughter is hanging on his arm.) I work for Bill now. JENNY (Giggly) I work for Jimmy. BILL He's the cook. (Leaning toward John.) The kid's pretty good. JOHN Aren't you glad you let him live. BILL (Deadpan) Everyday - but payday. (They lean back apart. He turns and smiles.) NURSE Sue called me. My heart was in my throat all the way here....... How is Barbara? SUE Is she alright? (The nurse turns around and she and Sue grasp hands.) JOHN (Looking bewildered.) I don't know. The Doctor is in there with her now. (The Doctor enters the room. He is blocked by the audience.) SUE (A few steps forward.) Have they said anything. (Before John can speak the Doc beats him to it. Doc is still in his operating attire. He is taking off his cap or something to make him look official.. Like John Wayne who has just ridden in off the prairie. The group is blocking his view from the audience. When he speaks they part.) DOCTOR BRADLEY Until now on this subject - there was little to say. Except what I told Mr. Stiles, a short time ago. That is to pray. (He walks toward the front of the group.) DOCTOR BRADLEY (continuing; Looking out at audience.) Apparently - it worked. (The group is relieved. John puts his face in hands. Barbara is rolled to the front of the stage on the opposite. The lights are not on them yet.) JOHN (John is standing off to the side.) She is going to be - OK? DOCTOR BRADLEY Yes. JOHN (Standing up) I want to see her. DOCTOR BRADLEY YOU can. (Looking at the group.) I don't know about the rest of the light brigade. JOHN She'll want to see them. It will make her feel good. DOCTOR BRADLEY ? (Slightly pompous) Although not usual procedure. By request I will allow all the group to go see Barbara and the baby. Keep the noise down please. (The Doc then leads the group, who is lead by John to the side door. Doc Opens the door and they enter the recovery room stage right. The light dims on stage left and brightens on stage right. John enters the room and goes right to the bed and sits on its edge. The others follow him into the room and stand behind him by about 4 feet -facing audience slightly. The room is a recovery room. Only a bed with wheels is needed here.) JOHN (Sitting on edge of bed.) Barbara. (She opens her eyes.) How do you feel? BARBARA Tired. (They embrace.) (The doctor enters the room carrying a paper. He goes to the front of the group and stands by the bed.) DOCTOR BRADLEY (Talking to Barbara) Visit just for a few minutes. (Barbara shakes her head yes) DOCTOR BRADLEY (continuing; Speaking to John and Barbara) Your son's a healthy fellow. He came through this a lot better than either one of you two. BUT - there is one thing. (He looks at the people in the room.) We'll discuss it later. BARBARA What is it doctor? Tell me now. DOCTOR BRADLEY We tested your son for ENDOAHDABOOTMAN. He does not have it. JOHN ENDOAHEE...What? MARTIN C.P.R., mouth to mouth. (John still looks puzzled.) BILL The money poop. (It sinks in.) DOCTOR BRADLEY (He leans over the bed.) It was possibly the premature birth. We don't know ... this thing is new, even to us. I'm sorry. (Doctor Bradley pats Barbara and looks at John - then leaves to the back of the stage. Martin moves ahead one step to speak.) MARTIN (Putting his hand on Johns shoulder.) This is tragic. (John Smiles, laughs to self, looks at the sky and stands up. He is enlivened. Others in the room think he is crazy. He screams) JOHN Ahhhhh..... (Pause) Tragic. This isn't tragic. (The authority walks to the front of the stage.) There are only two great tragedies life Marty Boy. (Pause) In all of life. MARTIN What are they? JOHN (Can't remember, but makes it up anyway.) Never getting back to Kansas. And ahhhhh....loosing your way if you do decide to go - OR something like like. MARTIN (Confused.) How are you going to pay the money back? BARBARA You should have told them you we are in bankruptcy when they gave you the money. JOHN I didn't want to ruin their day. BARBARA What about runing ours? How are we going to pay them back? JOHN They'll just have to get in line down at the courthouse like everybody else. I can see it now, It'll be like Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood - all kinds of guys'll be there. (Pause-John's head bobs slightly.) I never asked for the money - they just gave it to me. MARTIN (Reserved) You didn't turn it down either. JOHN (Has it all figured out.) No, but I didn't ask for it, nor did I want it. (Pause as he takes a few steps.) And I can prove it. MARTIN How? (He walks away from the group, on the opposite side of the bed and continues.) JOHN (Looking a Martin) Because I got rid of it. What do you do when someone gives you something you don't want? You get rid of it. JOHN (continuing; Walking and talking rapidly.) If someone gives you a car, and you don't want the car, what do you do? BARBARA Start walking? JOHN No, Ya get rid of the car. Why? You don't want the car. If you wanted the car - you would keep the car. (Pause) With me - it was money. People kept giving me money. I didn't want the money. So I got rid of the money. Why? I didn't want the money. (Pause) What I really wanted was a car. If they would have given me a car - I'd be in trouble today. Those guys REALLY screwed this thing up. And now - (smacking his hand) they'll have to pay the price. MARTIN You still have the money from this morning. JOHN (Standing.) Ah. No I don't. MARTIN What happened to it? JOHN (Starts to walk and talk.) Remember that friend of mine that lost his job down at UPS? MARTIN No. JOHN You know. The guy I gave $50,000 dollars to. (dawning on him. He points at John) MARTIN Sammy Cooperstien? JOHN Yea - Sambo. What I didn't mention was that he got a job down at the courthouse. His Father in law is the bankruptcy judge down there. When you mentioned that your property was going to be auctioned off this afternoon, I thought I'd go down to watch. I know everybody down there. It was like old home week. (John pauses for a moment, Martin is impatient for the rest of the story.) MARTIN (impatient) What happened? JOHN (Looking at Martin.) Well, I went to Sammy's father in law, and explained everything to him. (Starting to ramble.) JOHN (continuing) All he wanted to thank me for the $50,000.00 - because Sammy, his wife and all the little Cooperstiens were living in his basement for three months there and.......... MARTIN (impatient) Get to the point. JOHN Well he told me to go see Sammy. He works as a clerk downstairs. Apparently his father in law called him, because he knew all about why I had come and........He took all the money I had.....every penny, and went into the back somewhere. And a well...Ah...., when they opened the bids an hour or so later.... they called your name as the winner. (John hands him the deed to the property. Sue comes up and hugs his arm.) JOHN (continuing) Its yours free and clear. Sammy even gave me change from my $650,000.00 back. (He pulls out the wad he has been carrying.) MARTIN (Looking away - searching.) Why did you do it? JOHN Somebody's got to pay for the drinks. MARTIN What about the bankers.? JOHN They were disappointed to say the least, but they soon will look back on those feelings as a time of utter joy, when they find out I bought your property, with their money. MARTIN What are you gonna say when they confront you? JOHN The only thing I can think to say to them is....I'm shrewd. (Doctor Bradley comes out with a baby boy. If you can't find a real one - use a doll. Real is better. He hands the child to Barbara.) BARBARA My baby. DOCTOR BRADLEY (Looking at the group.) Just a few more minutes. (John is speechless. He falls to his knees. The women go the front to coo over the baby. Barbara kisses the child.) BARBARA He's has your eyes John, such beautiful eyes. (John kneels down next to Barbara and the child and leans over the bed.) JOHN We are gonna go to the beach, and build sand castles. (Looking up at Fred.) We'll have a bat boy in a few years Freddie. FRED (After a pause) And soon - a batter. JOHN (To Barbara and the baby) He'll go to college. Work hard. Just like the old man..... (A realization - talking to the group.) I gotta find a job. Quick - before he sees me. (He puts his hand over his son's little eyes.) BILL John, You can have a job anytime you want. MARTIN (Serious) You get any job you want with my organization. Any job. (John is looking out toward the front of the stage. His hands are still over his sons eyes. Fred throws his UPS hat down on the bed in front of John.) JOHN Do you think they would take me back? FRED (Excited) Do you remember the routes? JOHN Yea. FRED Can you pass the drug test? JOHN Yea FRED They'll hire you back and give you a raise. (Pause.) But to keep the job, you'll have to work hard. JOHN I will. I will. I'll never be late again. FRED I know. You are gonna ride with me every morning. (As Fred says this John puts the UPS hat on with one hand and takes his other away from the babies eyes.) BARBARA He's looking at you - Daddy. (John looks at his son, then takes him in his arms.) JOHN Daddy! (Looking away and then at the group) I'm the luckiest guy in the world. (They all crowd around the bed and begin making over the baby. Lines ring out.) BILL (He leads them with the standard Goofy) Gitchy gitchy goo. (They all continue to make over the baby with their own home grown babyisms, even while the last lines are spoken.) BARBARA You are all going to have to come over in a few weeks. We'll have a cookout. (The lights go down.)