LUNKHEADS ON PARADE A One-Act by Marcel Nunis (c) Marcel Nunis 1993 416 EAST BROWN AVE. FRESNO, CALIFORNIA 93704 (209) 222-0674 CHARACTERS ARTHUR: 30 something, ERIC: Late 20's PEPPER: 20 something JADE: Late 20's or later BARTENDER a man or woman with an unassuming air of wisdom Place: A pub Time: About 9 PM on a Thursday night. (We hear a song--Diana Washington's rendition of "You Go To My Head" it fades as the first verse ends and the sounds of a crowded bar begin to creep in. It is almost noticeable that the voices are predominantly female. We now see Arthur who is sitting at a table. There is another table further down-stage. Upstage, a bar. Arthur seems busy writing something but it could really be an excuse to look deep. Once in a while he looks up and we see him react to the unseen women in this joint. Enter Eric.) ERIC: Hola! ARTHUR: Hola. ERIC: Been waiting long? ARTHUR: All my life. ERIC: Me too. ARTHUR: (Looking around then at Eric)... I'm not complaining though. ERIC: (Looking in the direction that Arthur just looked at.) I know. I'm tellin you Art...Thursday nights in this place... ARTHUR: And you'll notice they all came stag too! (Suddenly something catches Arthur's eye.) Ay Chihuahua! ERIC: (Slyly turns to look. Then slowly turns back and...) Geez! ARTHUR: Yup. (Arthur and Eric look at each other and begin to laugh.) We're useless, you know! ERIC: That's right! And proud of it. Sorry I'm late, man. The damn washing machine broke. Had to drop off 3 loads at my Mom's. Guess I'll pick it up tomorrow morning. I hate doing this. ARTHUR: Don't worry about it. Moms love this sort of thing. Makes them feel needed. Besides, it doesn't happen every week. ERIC: It's not that. I mean, I'll make it up to her. It's just that I'm on my last pair of clean underwear. ARTHUR: So? ERIC: No, you wouldn't understand. ARTHUR: Look, when the last thing I have to wear are a pair of black Speedos I know it's laundry time. Happens to all of us. ERIC: I'm not wearing Speedos. ARTHUR: So... what are you wearing? ERIC: I don't want to talk about it. ARTHUR: Oh, come on! Show me yours and I'll show you mine. ERIC: In your dreams big boy. ARTHUR: (Laughs.) You want a drink? ERIC: What are you having? ARTHUR: A slow comfortable screw up against the wall with a twist. ERIC: (In mock seduction) Only with you darling! Only with you... ARTHUR: That's what its called! I'm not kidding! ERIC: You're not serious. (Arthur nods.) You are? What does it taste like? ARTHUR: Cough syrup. Here try a sip. (Eric sips a little then makes a face.) ERIC: I think I'll have a... ARTHUR & ERIC: Watneys! ERIC: Hey,...beers a man's drink, ya know?(Looking around) Where is that waitress? Excuse me... Excuse me... Excuse me... Miss? (Tries to get the unseen waitresses attention. Gives up.) Well, I'll just have to get it myself. (Gets up, looks at the bar then to Arthur.) Look if I'm not back in one hour... ARTHUR: ...I'll be sure to inform your next of kin. ERIC: (In mock seduction pose) You know you're the only one for me. ARTHUR: Me and every woman at the bar. ERIC: (Looking at the bar and back) Every other woman, actually. ARTHUR: Ooooh! It makes me hot when you're selective. ERIC: I know. Well, here goes. Whoops! Better make sure I've got the ammo. (Stops to check his wallet. We are suddenly aware of the rousing military music in the background.) ARTHUR: (Pulls out aviator shades and puts them on along with a military style hat. He now addresses the audience in a clipped British accent.) Ladies and gentlemen, the sortie presently underway is of an investigative nature. It's objective...to seek, study and scrutinize. We shall call it "Operation Babe-Scan". Pre-flight check is presently underway. ERIC: Can you spot me a 10? ARTHUR: (Giving $20 to Eric) Here, take 20! ERIC: Thanks. (Starts for the bar) ARTHUR: (To the audience. During the following, Eric is acting out Arthur's narration. ) "Operation Babe-Scan" will now commence with a predetermined flight path along the entire length of the bar. This particular maneuver is the first in a series of five and is often referred to in some circles as the "posterior ulterior". The objective...to narrow the target range for a possible surgical strike later. For this reason alone, it is imperative that strong impressions of certain choice areas be made ...and may I add, made quickly. These areas include the back of the head, the curve of the neck, the shoulders and as the case may be here tonight... how low a dress is cut. Ah,...an impression has been made. Now the verification for validation will be relayed by the raised eyebrow...it is intercepted, (a sharp look to Eric.) returned, (raises eyebrows, a knowing nod)... validation complete. It has to be explained at this juncture that the verification process is not a compulsory maneuver but is simply an exercise performed for the purposes of morale and the perpetuation of the team spirit. (Eric gives a thumbs up and Arthur returns it promptly.) We are now ready to move on to the second and next stage of this delicate operation which we shall call...establishing "the spot". The "spot" of course is a vantage point from whence the third maneuver- the "Pan Scan" may be executed. Now, the "Pan Scan" itself has always been a somewhat underrated procedure but let me assure you that when performed with precision and discretion the effect is simply breathtaking--- truly a work of art! Many have compared the well executed "Pan Scan" to... say... a...a very short ballet... Wait! I think we... Yes, we do have another verification to be validated. And it is once again intercepted and returned promptly. That's my boy! Yes, one could say team spirit is at an all time high right now. Oh, yet another! No, no, no...false alarm! Second thoughts have surfaced. One does have to be discriminating on these missions. A rash move could be calamitous. Wait,..will you look at that! Under the sly pretense of waiting for a space to open up at the bar, the spot has been safely secured. And may I add, been secured behind a definite 'nogo'. A "Nogo" of course is the technical term for a non-target subject. Usually one with the least impressive rear. This is basic strategy of course, as the first rule in the manual clearly states that "A sad behind makes not a happy front". Now that the spot has been secured...oh... there it goes! The pan scan has been activated. Yes,..very smooth, very smooth indeed. Not a great "Pan Scan" mind you... but a good one. Of course the finer points of the pan-scan involves the match up of profiles with those of the selected targets from the rear-scan which you witnessed earlier. It is fortunate this theater of operation is as crowded as it is tonight. This will facilitate the valuable time needed for... BARTENDER: Yeah, what can I get you? ARTHUR: ...Oh..oh..I may have spoken too soon! Ladies and gentleman we have a complication brewing. Yes, yes, it is confirmed. ERIC: M...me? BARTENDER: Yeah, what will it be? ARTHUR: Due to an unusually efficient Bartender the rest of this mission may have to be scrubbed. It is imperative that calm and decisive thinking be exercised in order to salvage the rest of this operation. BARTENDER: Well? ERIC: Er...bu..A Bud-light please. ARTHUR: No, no,...No! Not beer! Ordinarily, there's nothing wrong with beer but a 3 liquor cocktail would have bought him more time! Besides, he didn't even go for his original order of a Watneys. An import would have at least left a small yet indelible impression of cultured taste. A domestic like a bud-light in a place like this...you might as well wear a neon sign over your head that reads "I'm a yahoo! Ride me!" Well at least the damage has only been localized to one small section of the bar. BARTENDER: What was that again? ARTHUR: And there is yet hope for... ERIC: I SAID A BUD-LIGHT! (As his voice reverberates through out the bar putting an end to the military stuff. Sad Scottish music takes over. Eric looks sheepishly over to Arthur.) ARTHUR: Let me tell you, this is putting quite a strain on the old team spirit. (Eric takes out his money to pay and drops his load of coins.) A real strain. (Losing his shades hat and accent .) Ah, what the hell...it was doomed from the beginning. (Goes over to help Eric pick up the coins.) Here I'll do this. Get your beer. ERIC: Thanks. (Gets up to get his beer at the bar. Enter 2 women, Jade and Pepper, who sit at the available table.) BARTENDER: Hey, don't take it so hard. ERIC: Does this happen all the time or am I just the biggest schlub in the world? BARTENDER: Look, I don't see you packing up and running ....so in my book...you're no schlub. ERIC: Maybe I'm just too stupid to. BARTENDER: Here's your Bud-light. ERIC: What do I owe you? BARTENDER: This one's on the house. ERIC: Thanks. BARTENDER: A small payment for courage. ERIC: You're good. BARTENDER: That's why I'm here. ERIC: Yeah? So what's the secret of life? BARTENDER: Courage? ERIC: Yeah, you're good. (Eric spotting the women on the way to the table.) Hey, Arthur... Look! ARTHUR: What? ERIC: Over there! ARTHUR: Eric, do yourself a favor. ERIC: What? (Arthur looks at Eric with a knowing smile.) Don't even think about it? ARTHUR: That's my boy! Besides, would you really want to cross the line? At the moment we're just sitting and looking. That only makes us... a couple of Lunkheads on Parade. If we did anything more... ERIC: Goober Patrol! ARTHUR: You're right. I'd rather be a Lunkhead than a Goober anyday. ERIC: Yeah... me too. (Eric looks over to the bartender and shrugs.) What's that? Something new? ARTHUR: Could be. I'll know when I finish it. JADE: I don't believe he did that to you! That jerk! PEPPER: I really can't blame him, Jade! I just thought...I thought he would be different. JADE: Pepper, let me tell you something...Men are pigs! ( Arthur and Eric bolt out of their chairs.) They are all the same. PEPPER: I don't know if I'd go that far Jade... that's an awful big generalization. JADE: Yes they are and you know it! If they were not... you wouldn't be sitting here right now. (We suddenly hear the jungle drum solo from "Sing Sing Sing".) Look, the simple fact of the matter is... they're beasts! They're hungry animals prowling for helpless prey to pounce on. That's all they're looking for... a good pounce.(Eric and Arthur have now become a part of the drum solo.) They haven't evolved past the law of the jungle! You know, they go through this whole routine. This elaborate courtship. This primal mating ritual. And its not even that anymore. It's...it's...more of a bait and switch song and dance that's so predictable and pathetic... and they don't even do that very well. ARTHUR & ERIC: Hey! PEPPER: That's a little severe, don't you think? ARTHUR & ERIC: Yeah! JADE: Don't be naive. Believe me...It's a sham...It's all strut and pose and lies and they actually think this going to impress us? ARTHUR & ERIC: You bet! JADE: Like this routine they concocted is somehow going to make our panties magically melt away. ARTHUR AND ERIC: Shazam! (Arthur and Eric "high 5" and do the conquest strut.) JADE: And it's that way right from the get go, Pepper! Men strutting about like peacocks! And to tell you the truth... they're nothing but turkeys! After all, isn't a turkey just an ugly bird with a severe identity crisis? (This stops the strut. Arthur and Eric pull out hand mirrors and look at themselves.) ARTHUR & ERIC: Gobble, gobble, gobble! JADE: And it all begins with those magic spells they try to cast on us. PEPPER: What magic spells? JADE: You know, the "lines"... it doesn't matter what kind of guy it is... they all have one. ARTHUR: So, do you come here often? PEPPER: Ah, those lines... ERIC: Say, didn't you go to Fresno High (or insert name of any local high school here)? ARTHUR: Haven't we met somewhere before? ERIC: What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? JADE: And those are just the standard ones. Sometimes, they get into playing the little-boy-lost bit. ERIC: Look, I don't do this all the time but can I buy you a drink? ARTHUR: I'm new in town and I was wondering...would you be my personal guide? PEPPER: O.K. I'll admit it's a little pathetic...but it's harmless. JADE: Sure, until you come across the sleeziod on the prowl. The one who always begin a line with "Hey!" ERIC: Hey, what's your sign? ARTHUR: Hey, has anyone ever told you that you look like a Bonticelli painting? ERIC: Hey, if I told you you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me? PEPPER: That's beyond pathetic... that's just sad. JADE: Wait! There's more where that came from. ARTHUR: Hey, do you have space in your purse for the keys to my Porsche? ERIC: Hey, what's your pleasure...besides me? ARTHUR: Hey, do you work out or are you just naturally blessed? PEPPER: Oh, give me a break! JADE: See, what I mean? ERIC: Tell me, are those contacts or are your eyes really that color? PEPPER: Hmm...that one wasn't bad... JADE: Yeah, I sort of liked that one myself. ARTHUR AND ERIC: Shazam! JADE: But it's still a line and it's still obviously transparent what they're after. Don't they realize that we see right through them? All those little personal mantras are just a ploy to lure us into a conversation. And God help us if we pay the least amount of attention to their stupid song and dance. (The "boys" bearing puppy dog hurt looks return to their seats.) PEPPER: O.K., a girl does have to be selective... but if it's cute and creative and not offensive...Why not? JADE: Because if you by chance even sniff at the bait---they get confused, that's why not. You see they don't plan on this pathetic jig actually working. Probably because they're so use to getting shot down all the time. So, now this leaves them stuck without a game plan. And what happens when men don't have a game plan? PEPPER: You're right... they get pretty useless huh? Mike was that way, sometimes. JADE: Useless is an understatement. Without a game plan the male species gets totally lost. And when they're lost---they get desperate. Then they suddenly become little puppy dogs playing fetch with words hoping you'll pat them on the head or give them a treat for being so clever. They begin searching for these word combinations to describe themselves...hoping they'll come off somewhere between Arnold Swarzenegger and Mister Rogers. They're taking no chances so they cover all the bases. PEPPER: What word combinations are you talking about? JADE: You know word combinations like....intellectual but spontaneous... that's one, or....deep but fun...or my personal favorite... firm but sensitive. Where do these come from? I swear they must be reaching down their shorts and pulling out these combinations for us. I mean, firm but sensitive... what does that sound like to you? That's what this whole thing is about, isn't it? Men getting firm and sensitive. And if by chance you look like you're buying all of this...they get all cozy and move in for the kill. ARTHUR: So, how do you get your hair so soft? ERIC: You know I've never connected with anyone like I am with you right now. ARTHUR: I would enjoy this conversation much more if it wasn't so loud in here. ERIC: Have I told you that I give a really good back rub? JADE: Backrubs... watch out for those backrubs. I know many a backrub that have ended up with 5 kids, 4 mortgages and 3 broken hearts. ARTHUR: I was noticing on my way in what a nice night it was for a walk. ERIC: It is customary in these parts to give the birthday boy a kiss, you know. ARTHUR: Would you like to come with me for some ice cream and listen to the new world symphony CD? PEPPER: I like that one. It was sweet. JADE: Sure...but it's only a variation on the "come up and see my etchings sometime" line. Besides for every one of those you have to live through about a hundred... ERIC: So what say you and I go over to my place and play "hide the salami!" JADE: Which illustrates what the purpose of this exercise was about in the first place. So be careful and watch out for yourself. Sometimes I wonder why these guys don't just say so right from the start? No, they have to play this little game. Why do they have to lie and connive and skirt around the issue? Why don't they just come out and say... ARTHUR & ERIC: COME WITH ME! LIVE YOUR FANTASY!... JADE: That would at least be honest! ARTHUR & ERIC: SHAZAM! PEPPER: Perhaps it's fun. Like you said... it's a game. JADE: No, because they're men, that's why! And because if we decide to fool ourselves into believing that one of them is kind of special...they turn out to be nothing but lumps anyway! Damn! (Pause) PEPPER: What's the matter? JADE: I hate being single. PEPPER: I could tell. So how come you never go out with anyone for more than 3 months? JADE: I did...once. PEPPER: The lump? JADE: Yeah! Broke my heart. Broke it in 3 dozen pieces. (Pause.) Stupid, huh? I'll get the drinks...Daiquiri? PEPPER: No, Margarita on the rocks. JADE: Living on the edge...all right! (Spotting Eric) Hey, he's cute! The one on the right. Yeah! He looks... PEPPER: Firm but sensitive? JADE: Just looking out for you, girlfriend. PEPPER: Looking out for me? JADE: Why? PEPPER: Well, after everything you just said... JADE: You think I hate men? PEPPER: I didn't say that! JADE: I love men. Can't get enough of them. They drive me crazy sometimes...that's all. PEPPER: Oh. O.K. (Giving Jade the money for drinks.) Here. JADE: Put it away. First rounds on me. (Goes to the bar.) (Pepper nonchalantly checks Eric out. Their eyes meet. She quickly turns away.) ERIC: (Coolly trying to get Arthur's attention.) Hey. Hey Arthur...She looked at me. ARTHUR: Good. ERIC: So, what do you think? ARTHUR: About what? ( Preoccupoied. Busy with his writing.) ERIC: That... I mean her! ARTHUR: I don't know. ERIC: Do you think I have a chance? ARTHUR: I don't know. ERIC: What do you think she wants? ARTHUR: I have no idea. (Getting up) Should I get you another one on my way back? ERIC: No, I'm fine. (Arthur looking at Pepper then at Eric looking at Pepper.) I'm just looking! Really! You know me....I'll never betray the holy order of the Lunkhead! ARTHUR: Do whatever you want! Just don't get me involved in it. ERIC: I promise. I'm a Lunkhead to the bone. Bathroom? ARTHUR: Yeah, I've got a woman's bladder I swear. (Exit.) (Eric eyeballs Pepper. Throughout the next section he uneasily begins to prepare himself for a good impression.) BARTENDER: Haven't seen you in a while. JADE: Work...company sent me out of town. BARTENDER: Are you still with... JADE: Nah! Dumped him. BARTENDER: I'm sorry. That one seemed nice. JADE: I'm not and he wasn't. (Giving him money.) Here. Keep it! BARTENDER: Thanks. JADE: (About to go when.) What's the secret to life this week? BARTENDER: Going the distance? (Eric finally gets up with his drink and is about to go over to talk with Pepper.) JADE: Yeah, right! (Jade heads back to the table. Eric sees Jade heading back. Hesitates. Turns back and sits down.) Margarita rocks! (Now whispering.) I was right. I think you have a live one here. PEPPER: Who? JADE: Mr. Firm and Sensitive. PEPPER: No! JADE: Yes! PEPPER: Now what? JADE: I don't know about you but I'm going to take a powder. PEPPER: You're not! JADE: I am. PEPPER: Don't leave me alone. JADE: Look, I really have to go! PEPPER: I have to go too! JADE: No, you don't! Besides, there's only one stall in there. PEPPER: I'll wait. JADE: You'll wait here. Time to face the real world, girlfriend. PEPPER: What should I do? I've never done this before. JADE: Oh, don't give me that! PEPPER: Well, it's been a while. JADE: Now you see why I drop them every three months? A girl's got to practice to keep in shape. PEPPER: But what do I do? JADE: Love him and leave him. Or better still...make him love you then leave him. You deserve it after what you've been through. PEPPER: I can't do that, Jade. I mean...what if he...or what if he doesn't... I just don't know what to do! JADE: Hey, it's not like you're going to jump into the sack with this guy...unless that's what you want... PEPPER: No! God No! Jade, right now, even talking...is not going to be easy. JADE: Look, chances are you won't have to do anything. (Looking over at Eric.) Chances are nothing will happen anyway. But the reason we're here is to get you out and meeting people. You can't stay mopping around the house forever. PEPPER: I don't know if I'm ready for this. JADE: Well, here's your chance to find out. PEPPER: But I don't know how this goes anymore. JADE: Just do what comes naturally. And if you don't let go of my arm I'll be doing what comes natural and I don't think an embarrassing wet patch on this carpet is going to be taken too kindly by the management. (Exit Jade.) Have fun. PEPPER: (Trying out different poses.) Nonchalant? Coy? Sultry? This is silly. There was a time something like this wasn't a problem. I didn't have to deal with it.... so it wasn't a problem. (Now to the audience.) I could be myself... natural, you know? Now I'm not even sure who I am anymore. It didn't always use to be this way. ( A light airy piece of music plays under this.) There was a time...a time I was sure. Sure of who I was---Sure of what I wanted---Sure of where I was going. Seems like such a long time ago. There was a time with Mike and me... a time when I was so very sure. We met in college...Its the same old story. You've probably heard it a thousand times before. We had the same friends---had some laughs and things just sort of developed. Funny how that happens, isn't it? You don't really think about it as it's happening and one day you wake up and...it's there---this thing. This very funny, strange, crazy and very real thing. And this person you feel you've known since the beginning of time. It wasn't like the movies at all. No boy meets girl, boy loses girl and somehow wins her back again. No drama like that with a neat little ending for us. It was more than that. It was much more. It was... seamless. This was real life. When we were together, it felt as if no matter what happened, things would be O.K.. And it would always be O.K. because we would always be together. There were times I felt we were almost the same person. Or at least different facets of the same person. I don't know if that was good or bad. I only knew it was. It was a little scary but it also felt completely natural at the same time. I felt good around him. I felt important. I felt complete. I felt safe. Safe. What a wonderful feeling that was. That was important to me---feeling safe. Feeling safe...safe and sure....sure and safe. It's funny.... safe had nothing to do with the other time. You see, there was another time... another time I thought I was sure. (The light airy piece comes to an abrupt halt.) I was contemplating a graduate degree and considering going back for night classes. Mike was very supportive about the whole thing. So, supportive in fact that I decided...I would do it. What more could a gal want? (Pause.) Well on the first night of class... he walked in. (A Tango begins. Pepper and Eric take a Tango-snap-look at each other. Eric and Pepper begin to sway to the tango playing...but not touching as they sway) Look just because I was with Mike...didn't I mean I was dead. It didn't mean I couldn't be attracted to someone else. It didn't mean I couldn't spin silly fantasies like a giddy headed school girl. I mean... we all do that, don't we? That's why we buy romance novels. But this was different. There was something dangerous about him. Something unpredictable and it stirred something inside me---something I had forgotten was there.(They now connect and tango through out the rest of the monolog.) This class was going to be a project based class where we would have to work together---in groups. I should have got out when I heard that... but I didn't. I thought I could handle it. The voice inside told me to get out....save it for another semester.... and I ignored it. It was all very innocent at first---group discussions---the casual coffee after class. Harmless flirtations I hoped were just that-- -harmless flirtations. But I was wrong. As much as I tried to keep him at arms length a secret part of me wanted to let go. It kept building and building all semester long with an intensity that was putting my entire being into a spin that nearly drove me insane. Then the night of the last class meeting came. There was going to be a party after the final. I did not want to go---but I did. I had made up my mind. Tonight was it. After tonight there would be no more class.... no more group discussions.. no more him. I would be safe again. Safe with Mike. Safe to be sure. The party went well--- as well as could be expected. All evening there was a slow burn between us but I kept thinking that soon, it would be time to go. Home to Mike...home to where I was safe. And when it was time to go, we all shook hands...like nice civilized people. He decided to walk me to my car. He shouldn't have. I shouldn't have let him...but I did. It was quiet all the way there. There was nothing to say. And as I was about to get into the car... ever so lightly on my shoulder. (Eric kisses her shoulder.) It happened. I wish he didn't and was glad he did. I didn't want him to continue yet I didn't want him to stop. I kept telling myself... This only happens in a romance novel or in the movies. Not in real life. But something broke inside me. Suddenly everything made sense and didn't all at the same time. This was exciting. This was different. This was no longer harmless. This was no longer civilized. This was no longer safe...and I loved every moment of it. And in that glorious instant I was sure. I was so damn sure! But it didn't make any sense because I was so sure before. (Tango stops.) And since then...I have never been quite sure again. (Pause.) There was a time I knew. A time when I was sure. But when you are sure twice in a lifetime... and they've been so different...(Looks over to Eric.)...can you ever be sure again? ERIC: She looked at me again. (Beginning to stand up.) I should just go over and... No. (Sits again.) That's stupid. It's sleazy and it's stupid. It's a definite Goober move. (Pepper goes over to the bar.) PEPPER: Could I have another? BARTENDER: Margarita rocks, right? ERIC: She wanted a drink! I blew it! I could have gotten her a drink. If I only knew what she wanted.... PEPPER: Yeah. How much is that? BARTENDER: It's been taken care of... PEPPER: (Looks over at Eric.) By who? (Bartender smiles.) Tell me who? Please? BARTENDER: Sorry, that's classified. PEPPER: (Looks over to Eric again. Eric smiles gingerly.) Should I go over and thank this person? BARTENDER: That's a choice. ERIC: Fool, fool, fool! I could have gone up and paid for her drink. Great, this opportunity will never come by again. PEPPER: Perhaps that's too forward. Will a smile do? BARTENDER: That's a choice too! PEPPER: Do you ever give a straight answer? BARTENDER: Try me. PEPPER: OK. What's the secret to life? BARTENDER: The first choice is always the best? PEPPER: Perhaps. (Goes back to her table. She smiles at Eric.) ERIC: (Smiles back and quickly looking away.) She smiled at me. Now what do I do? What does she want me to do? What does she want? What do they all want? Man, if I only knew... Arthur would know. He's been around. So he must know. Yeah, he knows. I bet he knows but he's not telling. If I knew, I'd keep it to myself. Less men more share. Yeah, that's what it is. Greedy bastard. (Pause) Then again, perhaps he really doesn't know. Still, he looks like he knows... and that's what really matters. Looking like you know. That's why I hang out with him. If you don't know it pays to be around someone who knows... or at least...who looks like he knows. (Looks over at Pepper.) Damn, I wish I knew. (Enter Jade with a golden wreath on her head and a toga-like outfit.) It could be a conspiracy. Maybe, everyone knows except me. JADE: No, they don't. ERIC: What? JADE: No one knows more than anyone else. ERIC: How do you know? JADE: I'm the Goddess of Knowledge. I know. ERIC: You're kidding. JADE: I'm not. ERIC: Prove it. JADE: You're drinking a Bud-light. ERIC: So? JADE: You wanted a Watneys. ERIC: That doesn't prove anything. JADE: I know you wanted a Watneys. ERIC: Perhaps I changed my mind. JADE: You panicked. ERIC: I did not! Look, I happen to like Bud-light. I do. It's...it's a fine beverage. JADE: Very well,...(Indicating to Pepper.) What about her? ERIC: I changed my mind about that too. JADE: Why? ERIC: It's none of your business. JADE: Fine. Have it your way. Hmmm...Let's see...A size 30. ERIC: A size 30---what? JADE: A size 30, hot pink with a little black bow-tie and a sign embodied below that reads "For formal balls only." (Eric quickly crossing his legs.) A graduation present from Uncle Jim, your mother's youngest brother who may lack good taste but is a wonderful person in his own right. ERIC: O.K. enough! And keep it down... JADE: And despite what you want others to believe you've actually worn them on occasion because you thought they were cool. ERIC: O.K. I believe you. Besides, that was when I was too young to know any better. It's different now. I'm older...I've had time to cultivate---taste. JADE: You really should be wearing a size 32, you know. ERIC: It was my last clean pair O.K.? JADE: If you didn't have a size 32 you should have worn nothing at all. ERIC: Excuse me? JADE: Live a little. ERIC: Easy for you to say. JADE: I'll say it again...live a little. ERIC: Look, if you really are the Goddess of Knowledge... why are you here? (Jade does not answer.) O.K. since you are here, tell me... what is it that everyone knows that I don't? JADE: A lot. ERIC: See, I knew there was a conspiracy. JADE: Don't be a shmuck. You've been watching too many Oliver Stone movies. There's no conspiracy. Believe me. ERIC: There isn't? JADE: As I said before...No one knows any more than anyone else--- they just know it in different areas. That's what makes everyone who they are. Besides if there was a conspiracy, wouldn't I be the first to know? ERIC: Yeah, I guess you would. JADE: Relax. Don't be so paranoid. It's unhealthy. Besides, girls hate that. ERIC: They do? JADE: Oh, they can catch the stench of paranoia and desperation for miles. And when they do.... they generally walk in the other direction. ERIC: Really? JADE: It's not an attractive aroma. ERIC: No, I suppose not. But it's obviously an area I don't have much expertise in anyway. JADE: Perfumes? ERIC: Women! JADE: Oh, poor baby. ERIC: Well, I don't. Do I score points for honesty at least? JADE: You may score a lot more if you use me while I'm around. ERIC: Yeah....O.K., O.K.....So...what is it they like? What do they want? What do they go for? JADE: What do you think? ERIC: I'm only guessing, mind you! I suppose....the dark brooding... you know, the intellectual type... the, the... JADE: The "conspiracy kind" of guy? ERIC: Yeah! JADE: The kind who looks experienced? ERIC: Couldn't hurt! JADE: The kind of guy who looks like he really knows? ERIC: Exactly! JADE: Those kind of women, you don't want. ERIC: Why not? JADE: You really want to know? ERIC: Yes, I want to know! JADE: Believe me you don't! ERIC: Why wouldn't I want to know women like that? JADE: Do you know any right now? ERIC: No. Not personally. JADE: Have you wondered perhaps there may be a good reason why you don't? ERIC: Not really. JADE: (Indicating to Pepper.) You think she's like that? ERIC: Yes...No...I don't know! JADE: Why don't you find out? ERIC: I would if I knew what she wanted or what to do...You're suppose to be the Goddess of knowledge---you tell me! JADE: That's not how it works. ERIC: So how does it work? Are you saying that because everyone has the same amount of knowledge--- just in different areas--- that I'm doomed never to know because it's not in my area of expertiese? JADE: I didn't say that. ERIC: Good. For a moment there I thought I was going to go through life as a celibate, ignoramus with bad underwear. (Pause.) (Jade laughs.) Good, at least that's not going to happen. (Jade laughs again.) Well is it? JADE: That's up to you. ERIC: Thanks. That's very reassuring. (Jade laughs again.) I suppose you're not telling me because perhaps if I knew things in this area I would become stupid in other are as I previously had knowledge in. Like for instance in geography. Look, I'll make you a deal. If you give me the answers to my questions, I'll gladly give up all my knowledge of say... the annual rainfall, topography, and vegetation of... Madagascar! (Jade laughs.) No? What about Nepal? O.K., O.K., this is my last offer--- all of Russia and I'll throw in the other two just cause I'm that kinda of guy! JADE: That's not how it works either. ERIC: No? So how does it work? Tell me. Please! (There is a growing seductive quality in the next few exchanges.) JADE: You don't really have to ask... it's an innate part of you. ERIC: It is? You mean I already know it? JADE: You've always known it. Deep inside... it's always been there. ERIC: Perhaps I need to be reminded. A refresher course or something. Look, I'll throw in the soil analysis for Hunan province in China. JADE: Knowledge is infinite. ERIC: It is? JADE: It is. ERIC: So we are not doomed to be stuck in our little specialty areas? JADE: Hardly. ERIC: What if I end up knowing too much? JADE: You can never know too much! ERIC: Are there limits? JADE: Only those you place on yourself. ERIC: You're saying it's all mine? JADE: If you desire it. Knowledge can be....acquired. ERIC: I bet you say that to all the guys. JADE: Go ahead. Take a chance. ERIC: Are you telling me to? JADE: Do you want to? ERIC: What if I fail? JADE: The only failure is not trying. ERIC: If I do...do I still get to keep the soil analysis of Hunan Province. JADE: You're funny, you know. ERIC: Is that why you're here? Because I'm funny? JADE: No. But it's a charming perk. ERIC: So why are you here? JADE: I think you know. ERIC: Now what? JADE: That's entirely up to you. ERIC: Is this wise? JADE: Only Wisdom can answer that. ERIC: Wisdom? JADE: He's/ She's tending bar. (Bartender waves.) ERIC: Lets just leave wisdom out of it. JADE: If you say so. ERIC: The only failure is not trying, huh? JADE: The one and only. (Eric gently makes a move and is about kiss her when...) ARTHUR: (Enter dressed in a toga-like outfit and golden wreath on hisd head. He has a megaphone, a paper bag and breaking the spell.) Just one cotton picking minute Mister! Stop this nonsense right now! Stop it! Stop it! JADE: Damn! ARTHUR: And you, get your hands off him now! Didn't you hear me...I said now...this instant! Stop lolly-gagging... just do it! JADE: O.K. they're off! Satisfied? ERIC: Who's that? JADE: The Voice of Experience. ERIC: The voice of experience??? ARTHUR: Pleasure meeting you. It's a good thing I found you when I did, or there's no telling what she would have done to you. JADE: Poop! ARTHUR: I'll have to report this, you know! JADE: See if I care! ERIC: (Pulling Arthur aside.) Look, don't take this personally... I appreciate the visit but your timing kind of sucks...if you know what I mean. ARTHUR: It does, huh? ERIC: Yeah! ARTHUR: (To Jade.) You slut! (To Eric.) Young man, you don't know how lucky you really are. ERIC: Actually, I was about to get lucky when you came in... ARTHUR: No, no, no, no, no, no,...No.... ERIC: But I... ARTHUR: Not to worry. It's not too late. I'm here now. I'll fix everything. Here sit down. ERIC: I don't want to.... ARTHUR: I said...Sit! ERIC: O.K. I'll sit. (To Jade.) Pushy bastard isn't he? JADE: That's experience for you. ARTHUR: Relax. We'll get everything fixed. ERIC: Fixed? What are you going to fix? I don't want anything fixed. I'm fine. ARTHUR: How far did you get? JADE: I'm not telling. ERIC: What's he going to fix? ARTHUR: Go ahead. Play your little games. I'll find out myself. (To Eric.) So how do you feel? ERIC: (Cupping his groin.) I want to know exactly what you intend on fixing! ARTHUR: You look a little stressed. ERIC: I can't help it! There's all this talk about fixing and I work part-time at a Vet. ARTHUR: Relax and just answer my questions. Question number one...How do you feel? ERIC: I feel fine. JADE: He feels fine... so there! ARTHUR: Confused huh? ERIC: Well, now that you mention it... ARTHUR: I thought so. That's common in these cases. Hmm... and how did you feel before I appeared...you know while this vixen had her clammy claws all over you. ERIC: They were not clammy. JADE: Thank You. ARTHUR: Not her...You! ERIC: Quite good, actually. ARTHUR: Lightheaded? ERIC: Well... ARTHUR: Like you were 12 feet off the ground? Like you were about to explode and implode at the same time? ERIC: That's a good way of putting it. ARTHUR: Damn! (sharp, to Jade) You really did it this time, didn't you? JADE: When you're good...you're good! ERIC: Look, what's going on here? ARTHUR: Not to worry. It's a good thing I brought this. ERIC: What is that? ARTHUR: (Putting the paper bag up to Eric's nose.) Now breath deep. ERIC: I don't want to... ARTHUR: I said breath! ERIC: No! ARTHUR: Look, there's a fly on your back! ( Slaps Eric on the back. Eric breaths.) Oh good, you're breathing. Lets hope it's not too late... (Examining Eric closely.) Yup, should kick in about ...now! ERIC: AAAAAAAHHHGGGGG! ARTHUR: Works like clockwork, every time! JADE: What did you have in that bag? ARTHUR: Oh, wouldn't you like to know... JADE: What was in it??? ARTHUR: The fear of rejection. Always handy to have some around. JADE: Spoilsport! ARTHUR: Hussy! JADE: Oh, you poor, poor thing.... ERIC: (Eric looks at Jade and...) AAAAHHHHGGG! (Looks at Pepper and...) AAAAHHHGGGG! (Then becomes a sniveling lump of Jell-O.) JADE: Oh, did you have to? ARTHUR: (To Jade) Keep your hands off him! You've done enough damage for one day. (To Eric) Listen to me! Listen to me! Yeah, you'll be fine. Boy, you're really lucky I came when I did. ERIC: But... ARTHUR: No. No. Let me explain...You see we go together. ERIC: You mean you and... (Indicating Jade.) ARTHUR: Yeah! Everywhere, all the time! ERIC: You're not like... ARTHUR: No, no, nothing like that! Heavens no! JADE: Puleeze! Give me a little credit, will you? Me and him? ERIC: I don't understand. ARTHUR: We look out for each other. We're like partners. You know like a hand and a glove. JADE: More like oil and water. ARTHUR: Hey, all I wanted to do was take a little nap. JADE: So, you took your little nap. You should have stayed that way. It's the only time when new discoveries ever flourish. ARTHUR: New discoveries? Oh, I'm hurt! I'm deeply hurt. That is simply not true. (To Eric.) I'll have you know that my good friend Reason and I are responsible for at least half the discoveries ever made. It's a documented fact! JADE: Fine. Now tell him when the other half are made! Go on...tell him! ARTHUR: Well... JADE: Go on! Fair is fair! There are discoveries you cannot speak for! ARTHUR: When and I are on vacation. JADE: That's right. When both of you are on vacation. If you had napped a little longer... who knows? ARTHUR: And let you run around causing trouble? ERIC: She was no trouble, really! ARTHUR: Oh she's dangerous on her own--- believe me. The last time we let her out alone for any length ---was the seventies. The Pet Rock, Platform Shoes....Disco! Great discoveries those were! JADE: At least they were fun. All I can say is...It's a good thing you and your good buddy Reason take your vacation every year during Carnival in Rio. ARTHUR: Rio? Don't talk to me about Rio! ERIC: What about Rio? ARTHUR: Don't get her started, man! JADE: Rio! (We begin to hear Samba Music.) Carnival! Sensuous Sambas! Wild abandon! ARTHUR: Great! You got her started! ERIC: Carnival in Rio... I've read about that. (The others in the bar are also beginning to get into the Samba thing. ) ARTHUR: Hey, hey.... this is getting out of hand! JADE: That's the whole point of carnival, dear. (To Eric) You should really go sometime. ERIC: To Rio? Brazil? JADE: There are discoveries made at carnival in Rio that will change your life forever. No nagging voice of experience... no reason.... only the rhythm of the samba... just pounding out discoveries about yourself you never knew existed. ERIC: Did you say pounding? JADE: Don't you feel it? ARTHUR: (noticing that Pepper is getting into it too) Hey, you've got her doing it too! JADE: (By this point Jade is straddling Eric) Just pounding... and pounding... and pounding.... ARTHUR: I said STOP! JADE: Until you lose all your inhibitions and.... ARTHUR: Stop, or I'll report this! (All music stops. Things are back to normal.) And get your hands off him! One more little trick like this and.... JADE: And what? I want to see you try! ARTHUR: (to Eric) There's just no reasoning with her once she gets this samba thing going. JADE: Poundus Interruptus! ERIC: Wait! I don't understand. You're the voice of experience right? ARTHUR: Yeah! What's not to understand about that? ERIC: You are actually telling me...on her own---without you--- she's dangerous! ARTHUR: You can't even begin to imagine the kind of havoc this one can cause. ERIC: I can see how you two go together but I'm having trouble understanding how knowledge can be dangerous on her own. ARTHUR: Knowledge? We haven't seen her in years. (To the bar attender.) Hey, has knowledge been around? BARTENDER: Nope. ARTHUR: That's Wisdom. Have you met Wisdom yet? ERIC: Yeah. ARTHUR: So, what's all this talk about knowledge? What has knowledge got to do with this? (Jade clears her throat.) Wait a minute. (To Jade.) You didn't. (Jade smiles.) You did? (to Arthur.) She did? ERIC: What? What did knowledge do? ARTHUR: Boy, she sure did, didn't she? (begins to laugh.) Knowledge? Is that how you did it? (Jade laughs too!) ERIC: Well, isn't she the goddess of knowledge? ARTHUR: (Arthur and Jade can't control themselves.) Lets go. You can be a real kick sometimes, you know. ERIC: If she's not the Goddess of Knowledge---who is she? ARTHUR: Young man, you were nearly seduced by Spontaneity. ERIC: She's spontaneity? ARTHUR: Where is Reason when you need him! Think about it? What does Knowledge and Disco have in common? For a while there you were actually overcome by a false sense of security weren't you? ERIC: Yeah! ARTHUR: That's spontaneity! That's how she gets you. She's always got an angle. Who else would know about your underwear? ERIC: Underwear? What underwear? ARTHUR: Hot pink, little bow tie...for formal balls only? I don't know, man! (Exit.) ERIC: What? Who else did you tell? Who else knows? JADE: (Indicating Pepper.) She doesn't. Look, I'll see you around, sometime. Don't forget... a size 32 or nothing at all. (Eric looks at Jade.) Every little chance you take counts. (Exit.) (Eric sits dumbfounded. Pepper looks over to him. Looks over to the Bartender who smiles. Pepper makes what seems to be the hardest decision in her life. Looks over to Eric. Their eyes meet. She quickly looks back. Takes out her compact to prepare herself.) PEPPER: I'm only going over to thank him. It's only right. ERIC: A size 32 or nothing at all? (Looks over to Pepper. Brightens.) If that's what it takes. By God...I'll do it! (About to exit bumps into Arthur.) I really don't have time to explain...there's something I really have to do!(Exit.) (Arthur goes over to his table and continues with his writing.) PEPPER: (Pepper, done checking herself.) Here goes. (Gets up with her drink. Turns to face where Eric was sitting and can't decide if she's disappointed or relieved that Arthur is there instead. Enter Jade.) JADE: Going somewhere? PEPPER: No. Nowhere. (Sits.) Nowhere at all! JADE: (Looks over to where Eric was sitting.) Yeah. You know, I was thinking...the competitions too stiff in here tonight. You want to go? PEPPER: Sure. That's fine. (The ladies prepare to leave.) JADE: So what happened to Mr. Firm and sensitive? PEPPER: I don't know. JADE: There'll be others. There always are. PEPPER: Perhaps. JADE: Well girlfriend, lets blow this joint. PEPPER: Wait a minute, Jade. There's something I need to do. (Goes to the bar. She cannot find the Bartender. Decides to go to Arthur's table.) Excuse me? ARTHUR: Yes? PEPPER: Your friend? ARTHUR: Yes? PEPPER: Tell him... Please thank him for me. Tell him I... I thought it was very sweet...that he didn't...and that he kind of did. ARTHUR: I see. PEPPER: Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm saying...I'm not making any sense, am I? Tell him...perhaps sometime we could...no, never mind. Please, just thank him for me! ARTHUR: Sure. I will. (Pepper smiles. Jade comes over.) JADE: (To Arthur) Hi. ARTHUR: Hi. PEPPER: You will do that? Thank him for me? ARTHUR: Yes, I'll thank him for you. JADE: (To Pepper.) You ready? PEPPER: Yes, lets go. JADE: Nice meeting you. ARTHUR: Same here. JADE: (As she leaves with Pepper) Good move. That one's cute too. (Arthur heads for the bar. The Bartender is there again.) ARTHUR: What's the damage like tonight? BARTENDER: Lets see... That's 8---50 even. ERIC: (Enter and it's obvious that he's walking a lot freer. Going up to the bar.) Hey, Arthur...old buddy, old pal! (To Bartender.) Give my pal here a drink. Arthur, the secret is... a size 32 or nothing at all. And take it from me...nothing at all feels pretty damn fine. ARTHUR: How many beers have you had while I was gone? ERIC: Yup. Pretty, damn fine, all right. ARTHUR: Hey, I wasn't gone that long.(To bartender.) Exactly, how many beers has he had? ERIC: Beers? Good idea. (To Bartender.) I'll take one. And what's the lady having? I'm gonna take a chance Arthur. What do you think? I am actually gonna take a chance. I'm actually gonna cross the great divide from Lunkhead to Goober. BARTENDER: And which lady is that? ERIC: The one sitting... Where is she? ARTHUR: She left with her friend... ERIC: Left? What do you mean left? ARTHUR: A few minutes ago and... ERIC: No. I'm on a roll now. I can't let this go. Wait right here. ARTHUR: But... ERIC: I'll be back. (Exit.) ARTHUR: What's his story? BARTENDER: I'm sure we'll find out soon enough. ARTHUR: I guess we will. BARTENDER: So, what's yours? ARTHUR: My story? What I'm working on right now? BARTENDER: You know what I'm talking about. ARTHUR: Life? Oh. Business as usual. BARTENDER: That's what I mean. As long as I've known you...you come in here. You read, you write...sometimes you look. Then you go. ARTHUR: Creature of habit I suppose. BARTENDER: Don't you ever allow life to surprise you? ARTHUR: I did once. Why? Is that the secret to life? BARTENDER: You're the writer. You tell me. ARTHUR: From what I hear, you bartenders have a corner on that market. BARTENDER: Yeah, I've heard that too...but I asked first. Besides, it's good to check out the competition from you writers. So? ARTHUR: The secret to life? O.K.... if you are going to allow life to surprise you, make sure those surprises are only pleasant ones. BARTENDER: How do you do that? ARTHUR: By not taking unnecessary chances. BARTENDER: Why not? ARTHUR: It hurts a lot less. BARTENDER: But if you don't take unnecessary chances...you're really not taking a chances at all. I mean, any chance by it's very nature is...unnecessary. ARTHUR: Yes. So? BARTENDER: I don't know...that sounds a little sad. ARTHUR: Why? BARTENDER: As the lottery people say..."if you don't play, you can't win." ARTHUR: Yes. But what are the odds of winning? BARTENDER: There's only one way to really find out. ARTHUR: No pain no gain, huh? BARTENDER: That's about the size of it. ARTHUR: Well my friend, at the moment "Pain" is the operative word I'm trying to avoid. If that means "no surprises" are in store for me... I'll live with that for now. (Eric enters.) What happened? ERIC: She's gone. ARTHUR: Look, if it's any consolation...I don't know why....but she asked me to thank you. ERIC: Yeah? ARTHUR: Yeah. ERIC: Oh. ARTHUR: (To Bartender.) See what I mean? I rest my case. BARTENDER: So, what did you think? ARTHUR: Oh, yeah (Taking out a script and giving it to the bartender.) It's good. Some nice stuff there. It's got promise. BARTENDER: You really think so? ARTHUR: Yeah. I think you've got something there. BARTENDER: Did you like the ending? ARTHUR: I'm not sure. That was a personal call. BARTENDER: Too hopeful? ARTHUR: Look, if you like it...that's all that matters. BARTENDER: Thanks for reading it anyway. I really appreciate it. ARTHUR: Thanks for letting me. You know, if you keep this up, you're gonna put me out of business. BARTENDER: I really doubt that. ARTHUR: We gotta go. I'll see you tomorrow. BARTENDER: Same time, same place? ARTHUR: Same time, same place. BARTENDER: Business as usual, right? ARTHUR: Right. Lets go Eric. ERIC: (On their way out.) I don't believe it. ARTHUR: What? ERIC: She gave me her phone number. ARTHUR: She did? ERIC: Yeah, Arthur...I took a chance...I caught up with her in the parking lot and I actually got her phone number! Now what do I do? ARTHUR: I'm only a Lunkhead, Eric. You're on your own here. (Arthur looks over to the bartender who smiles back.) I guess you... Surprise yourself, Eric. Keep on surprising yourself. (The final verse of "You Go To My Head" ....creeps in as the guys exit. ) CURTAIN