Lady With Cats by Ben Ohmart 723 Boal Ave. Boalsburg, PA 16827 fax: 814-466-7555 email: findline@mindspring.com CHARACTERS DALE - a very old but sweet lady who has a tall poof of hair, and thick glasses to help her terrible eyesight. Her only friends are her many cats, who have been with her many years. She's very nice to the people she meets, but knows how to take care of herself in the tough neighborhood in which she lives. DOROTHY - A homeless bum, she knows how to take care of herself. She wants the best for herself, and tries hard not to let her real, vulnerable self show. About 30. VIN - Another homeless victim and friend of DOROTHY. He's had some education, and likes doing what he wants and feeling what he wants. He's sensitive but not very motivated. About 25. VET - An uncaring vet who may or may not know how to treat animals for whatever it is they have. Her main concern is money, and her occupation allows her the finances for tons of fur coats. Any age. TIME Thanksgiving Day. The present. SETTING DALE's lower-middle class house in a poor section of town. The living room/dining room. (It's Thanksgiving Day. DALE's home: looks like it was decorated by the Home Shopping Network. Trinkets all around; the great clutter is arranged neatly. There is a large number of stuffed-animal cats all around the house, but the actors think they're real. Some Thanksgiving decorations may hang here and there, but they all have claw marks. In one corner are empty goldfish bowls, still with water in them, with a little bow on each. Empty shoeboxes in another corner. A large safe in the wall with a small picture "concealing" it. This is the dining room/den. There's a front door, with a string attaching the doorknob to an old tape recorder. The only other door leads off to a hidden kitchen. The only furniture in the room is a couch, three chairs and a large dining table. At rise: the only thing seen is the front door. The sound of the door opening. DALE enters. She's unlocked the front door and as the string is pulled, the tape recorder plays sounds of cats fighting and cats moaning as if in heat. It's blasted at DALE, who enters. DALE's a sweet old lady with thick glasses and a pile of hair. The sign on the front door, when it's opened, reads: "BEWARE - MADCATS". As she enters, the rest of the room is lit. When she speaks it looks at first like she's talking to herself) DALE. It's okay. It's all right. Some of them have been declawed. No need to worry. I keep saying I'm going to make cat soup out of some of them, but I just never get around to it. Come on. Come on. In. Come on in. (VIN, a man in his twenties, and DOROTHY, a woman of about thirty, enter. They're very careful, almost scared, but try not to show it. They're bums from a soup kitchen) You can come in. DOROTHY. They're mad, are they? DALE. Oh no. They all have equal say here. DOROTHY. What? (DALE removes some sporty dishes from underneath the couch and arranges them around the couch and chairs. The dishes are full of "something" that looks brown and breaded) VIN. There's nothing to be mad at then, is it? DOROTHY. Why do you live in such a rough neighborhood? Person of your age and bone structure? I just saw a pigeon with spiked boots. DALE. (Scared) Don't mess with him! He's got a fight next Thursday. VIN. Here, when do we eat? (Makes drinking motion) I need to vomit soon. DALE. Oh, soon, soon. I'm afraid there's no liquor in this house. VIN. How'm I gonna chuck it all up, then? DALE. I try to bring home two poor souls that need a hot meal every Thanksgiving. (VIN and DOROTHY nod as if they've heard it before) Oh, Dickie! DOROTHY. Eh? (DALE grabs one of the stuffed cats and spanks it on the face, not trying to hurt it too much. She rubs the cat's nose in a spot on the floor) DALE. Not with company. I told you! VIN. I hate it when cats shit on the carpet. DOROTHY. Vin! Stop it. DALE. Dickie! Bad! (Throws cat in the kitchen) VIN. How 'bout a little drink, little drink before we eat? Eh? DALE. Tell me about yourselves. I would say don't leave a thing out, but that'd take forever, wouldn't it? Just give me the "greatest hits" of your life. As Bing Crosby used to say. Oh, I used to love Bing Crosby, until he died. DOROTHY. Nothing of mine that would hardly be Top 40. My mom was a prostitute. My dad was.. well, let's just say they met at work. I think he sold her drugs, and they had kind of a mutual account going. They both drank heavily and liked to practice child abuse on me whenever they had the free time. On weekends, their favorite thing was slashing me with a broken bottle to a Wagner overture. They loved Wagner. The power of it, you see? VIN. - I was raised Catholic. DALE. (Actual concern) Oh... I'm sorry for you both. The world is a cruel place. I know, I've lived in it for most of my life. (She bumps into a wall. She has awful eyesight and will continue to crash into things throughout the play) The only thing I wish would be that everyone would be given sixty free lottery tickets a month, that's all I wish. I buy five tickets a week myself. I like to think of it as trying to improve my lot in life, you know? This neighborhood. It's all I can afford. VIN. How long have you worked at the soup kitchen? DALE. I'm there two days a week, you must've seen me. VIN. You sayin' I scrounge off the public, at every chance? You sayin' I don't wanna earn my keep. Put welfare back offa society's minds? DALE. No, I - Yes, I think that's about it. But that's what it's there for. Oh, would you care for some tea? (To another cat) Ooo.. Scamper! Stop that! I don't care if you do have a flea there.. DOROTHY. Any silverware here? DALE. Silver? Where? DOROTHY. Yeah, that's what I'm asking? DALE. Where is it? DOROTHY. That's what I'm saying. Where's the silver? DALE. Oh! No, no, no. Care for a cookie. Made them myself. Beefchip cookies. VIN. (Sees something) Hey. DALE. I love helping people. I used to call people I didn't even know. You know, just right out of the phone book, and ask if there was anything I could do for them. VIN. What's wrong with him? DALE. But at St. Servicio's. I really feel like I have a place. Now I have two places. Here and there. DOROTHY. Lord bless you, lady. DALE. Please. Call me Dale. DOROTHY. I'm Dorothy. That's Vin. He smells a bit, but it comes out of the rugs easy enough with just a generic brand of carpet cleaner. I'm used to generic brands. They're cheaper so that's all we get at the mission. But someday. I'll be able to afford brand names. I will. VIN. That cat. Hey! DALE. What is it? (She trips over the largest thing in the room: probably the couch) What's wrong? Not the rats again, I hope? I wish they'd leave the kitty-cats alone. Poor kitty - VIN. What's the matter with that guy? He's not moving. DALE. What do you mean? (Of course none of the cats are moving, but they focus on one cat in particular. To them, this one isn't well at all) Oh... my. He's just sitting there. Isn't.. she? DOROTHY. Maybe she's ignoring us. New friends, you know how that is. I do it with new old bums at the kitchen all the time. DALE. Oh my goodness, I don't think she's moving. VIN. (To DOROTHY) Oh, that's a bright one. I can see you scored high on your CAT scores. - Yeah, that's right. I've had an education. You have to, to be unemployed nowadays. Too much competition. DALE. Should I breath into her nose? Oh poor Pookykins. Oh Pookykins. Say you love me. Come on. Mommy's got a nice ol' Mickey, waiting in the bedroom. Mickey Mouse.. (Makes "yummy" sounds, but it doesn't help. As DALE and VIN try to revive the cat, DOROTHY finds the phone and disconnects it from the wall) Oh come on, baby.. you can watch that X-rated Fritz the Cat movie all night long, if only you'll snap out of it. I didn't even know what the film was until Pookykins pawed it out to me in one of those mail-order video catalogs. Always peps her up. Oh..! VIN. Does she get enough iron? Those brochures they pass out tell us it's supposed to be important. DALE. What do you mean? Like a good smack in the head with a shovel? - I'll go get.. (VIN shakes his head and stops her from leaving. DALE's not thinking straight) DOROTHY. Are you crazy? Don't you know how to care for an animal? I should know. I was married three times. And I had a little puppy with each husband. VIN. How did - DOROTHY. You shut up. DALE. I always let the doctor handle it. I have no medical training. VIN. What do you, or did you, do for a living? DALE. (Laughs) I can't tell you young people that. I'm too embarrassed. VIN. Yeah, you just let us in your house. (He laughs, then DALE shrugs and laughs also at the absurdity of that logic. VIN's beginning to like DALE more and more; he feels like a grandson) DOROTHY. Maybe you should call a vet..? DALE. Oh.. yes. - I'll call that nice Dr. Dillkare. VIN. Good name. It's got that.. something. DALE. Oh yes. Do you think so? VIN. Sure. DALE. (Moves to phone) He cured my Puffstuff's insomnia. VIN. How's that? DALE. (As she dials) He gave Puff a prescription for a tranquilizer so we rented eight hours of Ron Howard films. First Draft.. I mean Backdraft... and sure enough, it... hmm... this phone isn't working. DOROTHY. Maybe the phone company's not open today. It is a holiday. They could at least call and tell you that. DALE. Oh dear. I'm very worried. And I need more wrinkles.. Oh Pookykins. Speak to me! Oh... VIN. Hey. I really don't want to be a wet something. DOROTHY. Blanket. VIN. Don't mean to be a blanket something. But this black cat just crapped on my shoe. DOROTHY. That's bad luck. VIN. Is it bad luck if a black cat craps on your shoe? DOROTHY. It is if you don't have the money to get them shined. DALE. (Looks in the mirror to put on her scarf but as she can't see anything, it goes on upside-down, making her look like she has a toothache) I've got to go. It's a long way.. but - oh, Pookykins. I've got to save her. Even if it means crossing the street, I've got to do it. VIN. It's a tough neighborhood out there, what are you talking about? DALE. I've got to go! If I'm not back in one hour, start without me. The dinner, I mean. VIN. One hour! DALE. I know, I know. Lock the door. I let an encyclopedia salesman in once and he tried to sell me crack. VIN. You could be killed! DALE. If I die, I'm leaving the turkey dinner to you both in my will. DOROTHY. Thanks. DALE. That's a tad of a joke in the face of.. uncertain doom. VIN. It's not worth it. DOROTHY. But for the poor little kitties. DALE. It's for my baby. Besides, I have first hand knowledge that the dogs in this neighborhood take their teeth out at night. (She smiles and exits by the front door) DOROTHY. What the fuck does that mean? VIN. Maybe it's an old neighborhood. DOROTHY. Did you get a load of the hair on that bag? She needs to have some pretty quick yard work done on that thing. VIN. I think it.. makes a statement. Something like - DOROTHY. "I buy a bag of combs a week". I wouldn't stick my hand in there, Vin. You'll be eaten alive by the teeth. VIN. (Worried about DALE) She puts up a brave face, Dale does. DOROTHY. Dale does, does she? Got a hard-on for the ol' bag o' bones? Come here. Let me feel that dick.. VIN. Keep your hands off me. I'm keeping myself pure. DOROTHY. Yeah, pure filth, that's what you are. You know, topsoil is brighter than you are. And I'm talking the dark, four ninety-nine a bag topsoil. Come on. Let's get to it. VIN. To what? Your trouble is - you escaped to Canada during the Sexual Revolution. I abstained. I didn't believe in the cause. DOROTHY. Abstained? That sounds dirty. You gonna help me empty the house or what? VIN. Empty the house? But it's full now. DOROTHY. Well we could just change the locks and move in here, I suppose. I thank God I was just abused and not raised Catholic like you. It abused you within two and a half inches of your life, sure, but it's left that cruddy, permanent side-effect of being nice when your brain's tilted a certain way. (Scoffs) Pure.. VIN. (She's touched a sore spot) Hey! (Pause) Shut up about all that. (DOROTHY picks up something) Hey! Put that back. No. It's got nothing to do with my religious upbringing. She just.. DOROTHY. Just what? VIN. Just reminds me of someone? DOROTHY. (Hates the idea) Not your grandmother. VIN. All right, not my grandmother. DOROTHY. Who then? VIN. My grandfather. DOROTHY. You mean he..? (She will walk around and look at all the potential pillage as VIN speaks) VIN. He was a cabaret singer. He left me his beautiful glittery evening dress in his will. I pawned it. It didn't fit. Don't look at me like that. I only tried it on to keep from freezing to death, sleeping in doorways. And that was back when I could afford a doorway on my salary. Of scrounging. (In memory heaven) He taught me to read. On all the adult magazines, and adult books he could check out from the library. He was great. I still get excited when I think about - DOROTHY. Yeah, all right. VIN. (Pause) Don't you feel like you're being watched..? (They look around at all the cats) DOROTHY. (Lying) No. - Now I wonder if she has a safe in here.. (They look all around, then stare at the actual safe for a long moment, but they don't see it) Any ideas? VIN. (Shakes his head) - Wait! You're talking about stealing! DOROTHY. You hit the head on the nail once again. VIN. That's immoral! DOROTHY. It's illegal. VIN. I know that, but it's still immoral. DOROTHY. You're a man who like things illegal. Many, many times - VIN. Here's a woman who's trying to help us. DOROTHY. And so she has. She's left the room, hasn't she? VIN. I refuse! I don't mind doing something against the law. I've done it before. I had to, in my crowd. To survive. But this. I refuse! DOROTHY. You what? VIN. I refuse, Dorothy! She's trusted us. I haven't been trusted since I last cheated on my wife. I've got to do something right in my life. And I don't think this is it. I can't keep doing these indecent things. I mean, I just got my female penpal pregnant. They were very passionate letters. DOROTHY. (Tries to convince herself completely too) Come on! Wake up! Do you think she's doing this for herself? Yeah, yeah, believe me, the Federal Government has thought up a way to make every decent thing tax deductible. She's looking for somebody to write off. VIN. You won't write me off! DOROTHY. Vin! Come on. It's us or them. VIN. Who? DOROTHY. Come on, we can fill up these shoe boxes. I figure, if we can find a lot of gold-plated stuff, we can scrap it all off and collect a mint. You've read about things like that, right? That'll work, right? There had to be an article on it somewhere. Am I - VIN. Us or the cats..? What? DOROTHY. You're still on the last sentence. Come on, we might not have much time. Let's just hope it's Social Security check day, and she'll put up a fight. Hold her up for a while, ha, ha.. VIN. (Slightly angry) Was there a pun intended? DOROTHY. What's a pun? You think you're so smart from that trash you read. Well I've read some comic books. Once. And there's some hard plots in some of those, I gotta tell ya. No. But you're smarter. VIN. I won't do it! No! I won't She reminds me of the grandmother I never had. Also. DOROTHY. Oh, Vin, you had a grandmother. VIN. I never had this one. DOROTHY. Shut up. Hurry up and stop wasting time. VIN. I tell you I won't do it. She's trying to help us. Nobody's tried to help me since I last cheated on my wife. DOROTHY. Get on with it! VIN. I won't! DOROTHY. You will! VIN. I won't! DOROTHY. Look what I found. (Produces a ruler) VIN. You wouldn't.. DOROTHY. Oh really..? You talk in your sleep, Vin. In the mission. I've heard the horrors you've experienced. With this. And a nun. Nightmares. How many tortures could the nuns perform with rulers, Vin? VIN. Stop! Keep away from my knuckles! DOROTHY. Let's find where she keeps her jewelry. VIN. Not a foot further, no. Stop! DOROTHY. Vin! (They struggle for the ruler, overturning furniture, etc. as if the prize is a knife or something lethal. VIN finally wins, holds up the ruler, then breaks it. He feels like a champ) VIN. I won't! She's being kind to us. DOROTHY. You wouldn't know a kind person if he kicked you in the dick. VIN. I won't do it! I can't! Are you kidding? Are you mad? Don't be mad. I won't do it. Just smell that food! (They stop, and fill their lungs with the smell of wonderful food. They love it and forget what they were talking about. They look at each other) DOROTHY. I haven't had a good meal since Coke introduced it's new formula. And only then licking off the bottom of dusty bottlecaps. VIN. I haven't had a good meal since I last cheated on my wife. (They race into the kitchen. A long pause. Then, sounds: like a lot of pans and everything else in the kitchen is being thrown around. This is loud, violent noise. After a moment, VIN runs out of the kitchen to the front door. But he can't get out because he doesn't understand the many strange and complex locks protecting the door. DOROTHY runs in after him) DOROTHY. No! Don't go! The loot! VIN. Are you kidding?! God, I haven't see this many locks since.. I was in a bagel shop. (Hungry look; it scares him) Just to smell the air, from the doorway.. DOROTHY. I can't believe you did that! VIN. Too many locks! DOROTHY. Still. Can you believe the silverware in that room? We'll be set for life! VIN. We'll get life you mean. DOROTHY. All those shinny things! I'll take the refrigerator, you tackle the stove.. No! Come back here! (She sets up the cat recording to the door, as a warning system to her) Now I'll know, you try that again.. VIN. I didn't mean to do it! All the food's on the floor. It's already half-eaten by cats! I didn't mean to! If I'd meant to I would've done it much, much better. DOROTHY. She'll know who did it, you can't leave. She knows us. She'll call the cops. This is destruction of private property. The cops! VIN. Not the cops!! Don't call them. The cops! DOROTHY. Okay, the police. Anyway.. you still have a police record, though, don't you? VIN. Just minor things! DOROTHY. What was it? VIN. Contributing to the delinquency of - DOROTHY. Minor things, yes. But don't be afraid. VIN. It was an accident! DOROTHY. Don't worry, don't be afraid. We'll fix it up. (Gets an idea) Yeah. You'd like that, wouldn't you? (Playing on his sympathy) As nice as she's been to us? You'd leave her with her turkey basting all over the floor? VIN. She has been nice to us.. Oh, the dinner's ruined. I'm afraid. This happens every time I want to impress somebody.. DOROTHY. You knock over their turkey dinner? VIN. I need a drink. DOROTHY. There's nothing in this house but cat food and ice cubes. But I've heard it makes a swell blender drink. VIN. I've got to get out! I won't be able to stand that sweet little wrinkled smile turn into a sour little wrinkled smile. And I don't need another conviction. Her sad little face.. it's too much to bear. To me she was like a woman I've never met before. DOROTHY. (Doesn't know what he's talking about. Almost truthful:) Same here. (Back to reality) So... we'll fix it. We'll fix it. We can't just go away and leave her. Not now anyway. Could later. But we'll fix it now. VIN. How? How are we gonna fix that? The only thing left standing is the ceiling. Oh, I don't.. DOROTHY. Vin. What do you want from life? VIN. You don't mean the magazine. DOROTHY. I mean... what do you want to do with yourself? What's it going to take to make you happy? VIN. Oh, I don't know. Yesterday's news, to read. A quiet time to myself once in the day. When I'm passed out from too many drinks. A hundred and fifty thousand dollar annual pension for life, like all the ex-Presidents get. Maybe. I'm not sure about the last. DOROTHY. The last we agree on, Vin! VIN. I got simple tastes, and right now I'm used to the cheap brand of vodka. DOROTHY. But we agree, Vin! Don't you see? We deserve it. We have a Christian right to every scrap of crap in this place. It's ours! Listen. (Pause) My mother. I was fifteen. And the night before my mother abandoned me and ran away with.. my father, for a second honeymoon. She told me two things the night before she left. The first was something about paperclips, I still don't understand it to this very day, but the second. The second and last thing she told me, ever, and before I went to bed, was: that I deserved another cookie. VIN. (Pause) Another cookie. DOROTHY. Another cookie, Vin! You're the first person I've told. Another cookie! VIN. Some kind of.. multi-pack, was it? DOROTHY. No! You don't understand. I was always in trouble, they always called my mother in to the principal about me. We never opened up to each other. I was in so much trouble at school all the time my mother finally figured it would be easier just to move into one of the empty classrooms, which she did. Of course she sleeps in the nude and one morning she overslept before biology class started, but! That night. She was trying to tell me something, I know it. And I read her message. "Another cookie", she said, "another cookie, you deserve another cookie." I guess they just couldn't take me the way I was anymore.. - But another cookie! I deserve more than I have, Vin! So do you! I deserve all that I don't have. And I must suffer the homeless problem while watching all those around me stuffing their faces. I admit I shouldn't pitch my cardboard box across from the Burger King window, but I want that other cookie, Vin! I've always wanted it. So have you. So don't read about it, Vin. Let's do it! Let's get that cookie. VIN. (Pause) If I get you a cookie from the kitchen, will you leave Dale alone? DOROTHY. (Sighs) God. Don't let me die here. You haven't heard a word I've said. VIN. On the contrary. I've heard whole sentences. But they don't make any sense, Dorothy. You don't just steal - DOROTHY. God! Opportunity knocks. And do you want to open the door? VIN. Yeah! Let's get out - DOROTHY. To run out screaming, sure. I've told you. She'll identify us. VIN. (Sweating; this line's a bluff) She couldn't identify colors. DOROTHY. No? Then I feel sorry for her to try to find the Spin 'n Spic. When she bends over, her back breaking, to reach for it. And the mop. And the broom. Scraping the cruddy grease and lumps of mashed potatoes. The cats'll clean themselves off, sure, but - VIN. I forgot. You're right. DOROTHY. I'm right? VIN. Yes. (Stands up straight. Determined) That wouldn't be Christian. DOROTHY. Not even Catholic. VIN. I don't care about that, but.. She doesn't deserve this. And I won't run away. She's too good. Isn't she? DOROTHY. (Doesn't want to admit it) She's all right. (Shakes off her doubts) VIN. (Pause. Decisively) We can't just leave her in such a mess, though, can we? DOROTHY. We can not. Can you cook? And don't forget not to stain the silverware with gravy or anything - I think it's sterling. I mean - just so we don't have too many dishes to do after. VIN. I cooked rice once... and I'm talking the brown rice. - She wouldn't be upset then, would she? DOROTHY. Now think. Think! How to... what about the turkey? The turkey. That's the biggest problem. VIN. We'll fix her the best meal! At least, as far as the brown rice goes. DOROTHY. Think! And don't touch anything. Again... What to..? (They look around the room, searching for the answer. They stare at the cats as the lights fade. During the change "Delilah" or some other cat song could be played. As lights come back up, VIN and DOROTHY are sitting on the couch breathing hard as if they've just accomplished something. DOROTHY jumps up and unties the string from the doorknob, then races back to the couch. A second later, DALE opens the door, followed by the VET who's wearing a large fur coat. She takes off her coat but it latches onto her monkey or cat paw keychain. She unhooks it) DALE. (To VIN and DOROTHY) I'm really sorry I'm so late. But I was held up in traffic. And they took all my money. (Brings Pookykins cat over to couch. VIN and DOROTHY stand and watch from behind. To VIN and DOROTHY) Did you start yet? (They shake their heads "no") VET. So where is the little.. what do you call it - feline? DALE. Here, doctor. Even if you could get Pookykins to cough up blood, it would be a relief to me. No movement at all. VET. Ah yes. Let's just get.. (Takes the collar off cat. It seems it was put on the wrong way. The spikes of the collar were sticking into the cat instead of being on the outside) Oh dear. A complication. Have you had your eyes examined yet, Dale? DALE. Nineteen fifty-two. VET. Well don't wait any longer than two more years. Promise. (Examines cat. Takes a hypo. out of her coat and sticks the cat with it) Beautiful coat. - Oh, thank you. (Turns around as if she thought she heard someone else speak) - Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was talking to me. - That's all right. (Everyone but VET is confused by these statements. VET pulls the needle out, puts it back in pocket, then extracts a bottle of blue liquid from her pocket and with the use of an eyedropper, tries to drop the medicine into the tiny hole she's just made on the skin) DALE. What are you doing? VET. Very sensitive treatment. By experimentation, leading scientists have found that this treatment of reversal leads to better recovery. And since leading scientists use it, I thought I'd try. I think it works. I think it works. (As the examination continues, VIN will eat what he thinks are treats from the little bowls DALE previously placed around from under the couch) DALE. How is my Pookykins, doctor? Will Pookykins ever drink from the toilet again? I'm so concerned. About my cats, I am. I am. VET. I'd suggest you shave each cat's name into their fur, so that if they get lost outside at any point, they'll always have some means of identification with them. DALE. How is -? (She stops when VET takes out an eyepatch and puts it over one of the cat's eyes. She looks at her work, then takes a stethoscope from her coat and checks for a heartbeat) VET. I guess I should've done this part first. Save time, you know? (She takes out another eyepatch and puts it over the other eye) I'm sorry.. (DALE starts to cry; VET sees that DALE has the wrong idea about what's happened) No, no. - Well, he has this rare - DALE. She, doctor. VET. Yes, she has this rare tropical disease. It's totally harmless to humans, but very, very contagious among cats. I'm afraid she's lost sight in one of her eyes. DALE. She's got a glass eye, doctor. VIN. How can you tell if a cat has a glass eye? DOROTHY. I thought they all looked like that. VET. Yes, well, I'm referring to the other one, all right? VIN. (Yells out) Yuck!! - What is this shit? DALE. Oh goodness. Don't dip into Fuzzbucket's litter box. Not before we eat. (VIN is shocked at what he's been eating. DOROTHY is probably shocked at VIN taking so long to figure it out) VET. How is Fuzzbucket? He's not still hanging out with the mice anymore? DALE. Oh, no, no, got him cured of that finally. (Worried) Yes, cured.. VET. How are the other cats, in fact? Any signs, out of the ordinary? (VIN tries to spit out or vomit what he's been eating) Like have any whiskers fallen out? Have any of them suddenly started walking away when those silly Meow Mix commercials come on? Loss of appetite? DALE. No, no. Just that some of them haven't been using their litterboxes like they're supposed to. VIN. Wanna bet?! DOROTHY. They're into shoes now, right, Vin? DALE. On the rug. In the bathtub, wherever the mood strikes them. VET. Oh. Ah. I see. Well.. I want to give you something. (Hands her a bottle from VET's coat) DALE. So she'll get well again then, doctor? VET. Make sure it's taken twice a day. And three times on Mondays. DALE. So no need for a hospital? This stuff will just clear it right up? VET. (Putting coat on, getting ready to leave) Oh no. That's for you. There's no hope for this one anymore. She'll die. This is so it won't worry you too much. - You better separate them, and hope they haven't all been exposed by now. That it's not too late. But I think it is. Do you still have those "what life are they on now?" sweaters? (DALE nods, very upset) Well you might want to put a nine on this one. And take that relaxant. My fee is one dollar. DALE. - I keep all my big bills in the safe. They stole all my change today when I went out to fetch you. DOROTHY. Where is the safe? (DALE moves to safe, removes picture from the front of it and dials combination. This takes a long time since it's a very long combination) VET. (While she does this, VET takes out a lint brush and starts brushing the eye-patched cat) Yes. Life is a joke sometimes. A joke without a very funny punchline. I read that on a calendar somewhere. But please don't fret, Ms. Dale. While I admit spontaneous defecation is one of the prime signs and is considerable cause for worry.. um.. (Doesn't know what to say) DALE. What can I do? VET. (A guess) Make their last hours happy? DALE. I've some old Bing Crosby records.. VET. By all means. And play them, too. The.. um.. (Points to cats) would love to hear such golden favorites as well. VIN. (For revenge) Anything but Wagner, eh - Dorothy? VET. (Refers to the lint brush) You know? As many times as I use these things, I can never get all the hair off. (DALE's finally finished the combination; she steps away from the safe door as she opens it. As soon as the door's opened, a giant book falls to the ground with a loud clap) DALE. Security. I used to use a bowling ball, but I found Proust works much better. The biggest thing in the bookstore that wasn't a paperback. (She continues talking but it's an effort for her because she's so sad) I was broken into five times last week alone. And my home was broken into three times. Luckily. That was all. I swear. You try to help people.. and whatever you do isn't enough. You'll never end hunger. You'll never put an end to sit-coms. I hate those things, I'm glad my tv was stolen already. It's a hopeless world.. VIN. You're so, so right. That's what the nuns always said. DOROTHY. (Trying not to be effected by DALE's sadness) Cheer up. I mean, look how many fucking cats you've got left. (VIN gives DOROTHY a worried look) VET. Hurry up, please. I've an operation to perform. VIN. Removing somebody's wallet? VET. I have to extract a parrot beak from a mailman's ass. And he's late for his rounds. DALE. Do you need the dollar all at once? VET. Please. (DALE sadly gives her the money) DOROTHY. (Really fighting to control her sympathies) Oh... Dale! VET. And remember - (As she brushes something off her coat) I do a very reasonable closed casket animal service. Just remember that in case you need a very inexpensive group rate. Ta. (And she goes out the door. VIN moves to the taperecorder and viciously turns it up loud as revenge for what she's done to DALE. VIN slams the door. DALE breaks down crying) DALE. Oh. Oh. Goodness. Look at me. Bawling like a baby, when you two haven't even had your Thanksgiving dinner yet. Like promised. Oh, forgive me. Making such a scene.. When I invited you... (But she can't stop crying. DOROTHY moves to comfort her, in spite of herself. DOROTHY is touched. DALE takes out a hanky to blow her nose with but it falls to the ground without DALE seeing it, so she blows unobstructed snot at DOROTHY) DOROTHY. Oh.. you poor dear. In the front of all this turmoil. To still be concerned about us. I feel like a shit. And I mean a deep holed shit. DALE. That's very kind. VIN. Is it? DOROTHY. Maybe you should take a little of that stuff now.. DALE. No, no. It's all right. That's heroin anyway. She moonlights as a pusher, and she's looking for extra customers. - Oh... Pookykins. VIN. Don't worry, Dale. DOROTHY. Yes. How 'bout a nice hot dinner? Take your mind off - (VIN shakes his head "no" at DOROTHY) Tell us. Why do you have all these shoe boxes around? DALE. (Surprised; doesn't want to think about it) I like to wear shoes. Why, do you know that the Shop Homing Network carries a great degree of only the top quality shoes at low, low warehouse prices? DOROTHY. No. VIN. I think I heard that once, but I didn't believe the guy that told me. DALE. Actually. I buy cat shoes. - I can never remember how many toes, though, so I usually have to take them back a couple times. Before I find the right size. There's so many little paw sizes. Send them back, I mean, through the mail. Why, I remember one time Fuzzbucket walked right out of the house, without any of his shoes tied. Tripped. Landed on his feet. But was hit by a truck. Luckily it was an ice cream truck, so it was moving really slow. (She breaks down sobbing again; she can't go on. VIN and DOROTHY lead DALE to the couch) DOROTHY. You just sit there. Let us serve. (Trying for a smile) And we expect at least a ten percent tip. (Pause) You'd give me another cookie if I asked for it, wouldn't you, Dale? DALE. (Tries to think through the tears) Did you.. did you have one already? (DOROTHY smiles; she's got her "yes" answer. VIN and DOROTHY go into the kitchen and bring out all the food they've prepared. They set it on the table) DALE. (As they do this) I remember my first cat. She was just a kitten. I called her Spot. Because she was all black. Even taught her tricks. Like "pick a car, any car", and she'd sleep on it. And the disappearing rabbit. Oo, she like that last one. Oh. It's this house! It'll be the death of me and my beauties yet. I've never won anything in my life so my luck's saved up for that final lottery drawing one of these days. We'll get out of this house, this neighborhood one of these days. And if we don't. Well then. We're really fucked. I know it's not French so pardon my cursing. But it really makes my blood boil.. (But she's energetic in her anger since the sadness has removed most of the strength from her body) DOROTHY. (When the table's full of food) All set. (DALE rises slowly from the couch, then quickly folds her hands together and bows her head at the table) DALE. Let us pray - and give thanks. (VIN and DOROTHY shrug to go along with it. Clearly, they've never done this before. VIN puts his elbows on the table to pray, but DOROTHY points out that that's not proper) Dear Lord. How are you? I'm fine. Wish you were here. To give my flock a little life. I don't ask much. Okay. Last Christmas I probably went a little overboard, but I did need that washer/dryer combination. It's been stolen now. But please. Help my cats. Help these two poor, unfortunate souls I've brought home, a little hope. Just a little. We don't want them getting hooked on it. In this cruel kind of world. I feel a hymn coming on Lord, but I'm hungry. And I'm tired. Very tired. Yours truly, Dale. P.S. Again, help us. I work at the soup kitchen for Christ's sake. Amen. VIN. That it? (DALE nods "yes") Now the meat's going to be a trifle tough. But don't let it bother you. (DOROTHY pokes VIN in the side) DALE. What do you mean? It should be done all right. Turkey's had a thermometer in it all day. I'm sure - DOROTHY. I think what Vin means is - let us be thankful if the bird's not tough. VIN. Yeah, right. I meant to say that, but by accident, I said something completely different. (They begin passing the various foods around: there's mashed potatoes, gravy, dressing, and "turkey" in slices) DALE. I appreciate you two slicing the turkey for me. Tell me a little about yourselves. I mean more. I like you two. I appreciate you being here. DOROTHY. I had a drug addiction until I was nine. At that point in my life, I moved off the Coke Classic. And onto some of the softer drinks. DALE. But those aren't really drugs, are they? DOROTHY. If you used them the way I did, you wouldn't need to ask that. You'd be surprised the kinda things the people in my neighborhood - what I did - what they'd do for those soft drugs. Anything is addicting if you use it enough. DALE. Vin, tell me some about your Catholic upbringing. (She's filled her plate and during VIN'S speech, she'll taste the meat and sniff it suspiciously) VIN. My mother was the son of a sharecropper and my father raised pigs in east New Jersey. They met at a Bob Dylan concert in 1931 and went off into a closet alone to get away from the noise. I don't know if they meant the crowds or the singing. DALE. Is any of this true? VIN. No. I don't like to talk about my childhood. DALE. Does this meat taste strange to you? VIN. (Anything to ignore the question) But I think I will. - Actually my father was an usher in an all-night Woody Allen movie theater. For those that wanted a little Woody day or night. My mother ran the projector there. And they had a regular courtship, dated, married, fell in love, made love, and had a child, after wedlock. I wasn't abused or didn't have any kind of childhood traumas. And that's why I'm ashamed to tell anyone about me. I'm ashamed to be here, at a soup kitchen. Because I disprove the cliché. I really shouldn't be there. I've no excuse. I'm over qualified. Unless you count Catholic - DALE. There's a hair in my meat. VIN. Just the one? (DOROTHY kicks VIN) They sent me to Catholic school. But they did love me. I don't know why they sent me. I think they were so much in love, they just wanted me out of the house. To.. do things. DOROTHY. Hey! Just like me. VIN. I was a good student. I got good grades all the way through. Even some A's and B's. But they.. they treated me so bad. I don't like to think about it. The nuns and their.. their rulers. And sarcasm. And God they were ugly. (Shakes; doesn't want to speak of it anymore) Maybe that's why I cheated on my wife. Yeah, I was married. She was beautiful, but I was so used to ugly faces, I couldn't handle it, so I had an affair with a real ugly cow. By cow, I mean a very fat woman, I'm not into those kind of things. And my wife found out. She was humiliated having married someone with such bad taste. And I became a bum. When she left me, I became nothing but a bum. DOROTHY. (Pause. She's shocked to hear all this. To DALE) Tell us about you. We know nothing about you. We don't even know your sexual preference. Don't look at me like that. I mean, we don't know if you were married or not. That's all. DALE. My husband died just five years ago. I managed to hang onto the house. He died in a tornado. Just carried him away. I'm lucky I managed to hang onto the house. And my health. He had a pension through one of those mail order things. So I'm okay. They send me a dollar a day. My whole income. I like to listen to the radio. I like the Cure and Jesus Jones a lot. And Crosby. I still don't know if I should tell you exactly what I did for a.. living. You might think less of me. (DOROTHY and VIN quickly nod "no") I just wish my eyesight wasn't getting worse. Yesterday I tried to use the bathroom on an all-you-can-eat salad bar. Because I thought I saw a big bowl in the middle. DOROTHY. That's happened to me many times. DALE. Has it? DOROTHY. Well. No. But. I haven't always been a bumette, you know. I had a regular job. I worked at a fast food place. Once. They started carrying pizzas, so they hired an extra person. Me. They found that people weren't buying it, they stopped carrying it, had to let me go. That's the last job I could get. Unless I wanted to go into government. But I figure we all have our moral line that we draw. So I consider myself a freelance taxpayer collaborator. VIN. Ditto. DOROTHY. At least that's what they called it in some magazine you read me, Vin? VIN. Time. (DOROTHY and VIN have been keeping up appearances and rambling on to take DALE's mind off the food. But DALE keeps sniffing her meat) DOROTHY. Yeah, right. I'm telling you my life's story here. VIN. Ditto. DALE. (As she smells her meat some more) I'm really glad you came to dinner. My cats are nice, but it's nice for a little human companionship for a change. If only more people would just.. reach out. We could end world hunger. DOROTHY. (More and more upset) Stop it! Stop it! Tell her! I'm feeling so sorry for hating you in the first place! VIN. (To DALE) It's funny you should say that about world hunger.. DOROTHY. (Shouts; hands over ears) Not out loud! (VIN whispers something in DALE's ear. DALE can't believe it; she takes off her glasses so VIN can say it again in her ear. DALE's shocked. She pushes slowly away from her plate and knocks over a dish she didn't see. DALE pauses and just looks at VIN and DOROTHY; gives them a pleading look. She can feel her rage build. Suddenly DALE snaps and removes a small switch-blade knife from her cleavage and prepares to strike at them) Vin! Get it away from her! (DALE lunges at VIN, who easily disarms her. DALE cries) They're going to die anyway. Aren't they? You talk about ending world hunger and you're not up to a little sacrifice? DALE. You.. bitch..! DOROTHY. We were only trying to help. Some smart-ass spilled everything on the floor! VIN. My ass is certainly much smarter than your head. DALE. Why? Why? W- DOROTHY. Don't you see? This is perfect. The soup kitchen never gets enough materials to work with anyway. VIN. Yeah, how many cats you got? DALE. (Tries to see their logic, but can't yet) Fifty-nine. (Forgot to subtract one) Fifty-eight. DOROTHY. Do you know how many people we could feed? Not to mention pairs of gloves? Remember the vet said "only harmful to cats"? It's Thanksgiving! VIN. Christmas soon. DOROTHY. I guess you've just got to think about which race you're concerned about saving. DALE. ..Race...? VIN. She means like human or something. Not first place, second place.. DOROTHY. Come on. They're going to die anyway. DALE. (Renewed rage) You didn't know that! DOROTHY. That's fair. I think that's fair. But I'd call it an act of fate. (To VIN) Wouldn't you? (VIN nods "yes") There you are, two out of three people agree.. - You can't deny that. DALE. I can't believe you've done this. After I've opened my doors to you.. After I've.. DOROTHY. (Pause. Very serious) You talk about ending world hunger. - What good are these little fellows going to do in the ground? (DALE pauses for what seems like forever; she's coming to a decision. They are all by this point standing away from the table) - And just think of the ratio of people to cats. Tons of cats. - To end world hunger... VIN. This is reality. This is just the kind of situation Sam Shepard understands in his dramas. I know, I've read them. Trust us. Trust somebody. DOROTHY. What good are they? Underneath? Think of the people.. (Again, a lengthy pause from DALE. She slowly starts calling the cats. Interrupting DALE's call:) That can wait 'till after dinner. (They all start to sit down again. From here on, the lights slowly start to dim) DALE. (Convincing herself stronger with each moment) I always wanted to do my part. I trust you. I like you two. I feel I can tell you now. Yes. There are no secrets. It's all rather silly really. I always wanted to do my part. Why do you know that during World War Two I was a call-girl. And I only took US ration coupons. Never made a cent on the deal. To end world hunger. And for the cause. Always for the cause. War. - And competition was fierce then, too. It was just after summer and the hookers were having a back-to-school sale. - These mashed potatoes taste a little lumpy. VIN. Sorry. (Whispering to DOROTHY) Should we tell her about the dog next door? (DOROTHY gives VIN a "sshh", and they continue eating - DALE eating the meat very carefully - as the lights fade to black) THE END (COPYRIGHT 1995 BEN OHMART)