MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING: YOUR ROAD TO RICHES by Ron Peer (Enter Phil and Molly. Simon shakes their hands. He ushers them over to the couch where Simon's wife, Gail, and Grandma are sitting.) SIMON Everybody, this is Phil and Molly. (Everyone ad libs hello) PHIL That's some car in your drive, Simon. SIMON Oh, the Rolls? Silver Shadow. 1946. Picked it up last week. Didn't really need another one but what the hell -- the price was right. GAIL It was a steal. MOLLY You have more than one? SIMON Three. Probably a little silly when you consider Gail and I are the only ones who drive. Are you into cars, Phil? PHIL I'd like to be. I've always dreamed of collecting vintage cars. But that takes money, and well ... I've never had that kind of money. SIMON You could, Phil. You could. But that's why you're here tonight, right? To explore the possibilities. Phil, have a seat next to Grandma and, Molly, you're next to Gail. GRANDMA Plenty of room here, young man. PHIL Thanks. (They sit.) GAIL (to Molly) You're very beautiful. I love what you've done with your hair. MOLLY (a little embarrassed) Thank you. SIMON You know this is a family business, Phil. Grandma founded this company over sixty years ago. All by herself. GRANDMA Didn't even have a husband then. Just an idea and the courage of my convictions. I knew I could succeed if I kept at it. SIMON Today Grandma has a net worth of over twenty-five million dollars. GRANDMA And I started part-time. PHIL & MOLLY (looking at each other) Wow! SIMON But there is more to this business than monetary gain. It fulfills many psychological and spiritual needs as well. (Enter Lester, the son, carrying a shoebox. He lifts the lid a fraction and peeks in.) LESTER Mummy, Daddy. Boris is getting impatient. Can he come out to play? SIMON Not just yet, Lester. LESTER But when, Daddy, when can he come out to play? GAIL Quiet, Lester. We have guests. LESTER But Boris is hungry! Really hungry! GAIL Go to your room, Lester. (Lester exits, dejected.) SIMON Excuse the interruption. My son and his pets ... (chuckles) PHIL No problem. What type of business are we talking here, Simon? SIMON It's a service business, Phil. A people business. And secret to this business is recruitment. PHIL Recruitment? Wait a minute -- Are we talking multi-level marketing? SIMON You're familiar with the term! Excellent! PHIL I wish you'd mentioned this earlier. Let's go, Molly. (He and Molly stand.) SIMON Phil, what's wrong? PHIL We don't have time for pyramid schemes. Besides, we've heard the Amway spiel so often we probably know it better than you do. SIMON It's not Amway, Phil! PHIL Okay, so it's Shaklee, Watkins, Herbalife, one of the other fly-by-nights. We've heard them all. MOLLY In excruciating detail. SIMON Natas, Inc. is hardly a fly-by-night organization. GAIL It's been around for thousands of years. GRANDMA Since the dawn of time. Since man first set foot on this planet. PHIL Natas, Inc.? (to Molly) Ever heard of it, honey? MOLLY No. SIMON Intrigued, aren't you? PHIL Well, maybe. What kind of business is it exactly? SIMON It's more than a business, Phil. It's a philosophy. A philosophy that promotes self-empowerment. It tries to help mankind free itself from dogmatic thinking patterns, to help man reach his full potential, his unlimited self. MOLLY Oh, like Dianetics? SIMON Better than Dianetics. Even L. Ron Hubbard is a member of our organization. PHIL I thought he was dead. SIMON A minor detail. But let's let my upline sponsor show you the Natas, Inc. plan. I think you'll be very impressed. (Simon, Gail, and Grandma get on their knees and join hands.) GAIL (to Simon) Oh, honey, don't you think we should call in Lester? You know what a kick he gets out of the ritual. SIMON Of course, my dear. Lester! Lester! MOLLY (whispering to Phil) I'm, starting to get a funny feeling about this. (Enter Lester, still dejected, with the box.) LESTER Yes, Daddy? SIMON We're going to summon your uncle. Wanna join us? LESTER Do I! (He joins hands with the rest of the group. Lights dim. Eerie music rises. Phil and Molly look confused. The group starts to chant.) GROUP Nam et ipsa scientia potestas est. Mundus vult decipi. E pluribus unum, et tu Brute. (A puff of smoke appears. From its midst arises Uncle Aleister , dressed entirely in black. He is menacing, yet charismatic.) UNCLE ALEISTER (bellowing) Who dares to summon me from the very bowels of hell? SIMON We do, Uncle Aleister. The Claytons. UNCLE ALEISTER (relaxing) Groovy. What's up? SIMON I've got a couple here who're interested in the plan. The Wilsons. UNCLE ALEISTER Great. (He crosses to Phil and Molly and offers his hand. They shrink away.) UNCLE ALEISTER Aleister Crowley. Good to meet ya. You're gonna love the plan. Nothin' like it. (points at Molly) Nice hair. LESTER Uncle Aleister, Uncle Aleister! (Lester runs to Aleister and hugs him.) UNCLE ALEISTER How ya doin', peckerwood? LESTER I love you, Uncle Aleister. So does Boris! (Lester pulls a snake out of the shoebox.) UNCLE ALEISTER Boris! How's my second favorite snake in the grass? (Aleister kisses the snake.) GAIL He's so good with children. We named Lester after him, you know. UNCLE ALEISTER Now let's cut to the presentation. I'm one busy fuckin' guy, dig? (He moves to an easel, reveals a pentagram drawn on the board.) UNCLE ALEISTER Here's the deal. Everything's based on the system of fives. Five points to the pentagram, five people in your downline. Those five sponsor five more, and presto! -- you got thirty dudes downline. And that's one helluva commish from Natas, Inc., yes sir. PHIL What kind of commission? UNCLE ALEISTER Didn't Simon fill you in on the commission? (to Simon) Sime, you yankin' my chain? You're supposed to have these people prepped before you invoke my presence. SIMON I was getting to it, Uncle Ale-- (Aleister clutches his fist and twists. Simon doubles over, his hands covering his crotch.) UNCLE ALEISTER Yeah, yeah, blow it out your buttcheeks. (to Phil and Molly) Okay, here it is. One body downline, one wish. That's it, straight out. PHIL One wish? What do you mean? UNCLE ALEISTER On wish per soul. What bus you get off of? MOLLY One wish per soul? UNCLE ALEISTER Is there a fuckin' echo in here? One fuckin' sky's-the- limit wish per soul! Money, power, sex, your choice. But it's got to be on paper, capische? Written in blood. It ain't on paper, the boss is likely to kick it back down the hopper. And you'll probably get fuckin' warts or something. His Satanic Majesty don't dig waistin' his time on unenforceable contracts. PHIL His Satanic Majesty? You mean, as in "the devil?" UNCLE ALEISTER Well, it ain't Mickey Mouse, fuckhead. MOLLY But we're ... we're Christians! UNCLE ALEISTER Don't make me laugh. The last Christian died two weeks ago, An 80-year old virgin in Waukegan. And I got her Joan Hancock just before she coughed up the lung. Old Beelzebub was pleased. As soon as we get the Buddhists and Muslims downline, we'll control the afterlife. I just love this fuckin' business! SIMON So what do you think, Phil? Are you and Molly in? (Phil looks at Molly. They are both very nervous. The group begins to circle Phil and Molly.) PHIL Gee, I don't know, Simon. Molly and I are going to have to talk it over. Right, honey? MOLLY Absolutely, Phil! We have to talk it over. At home. Alone. PHIL (to Simon) We'll get back to you in a couple of days. SIMON (sighing) I'm afraid that's not possible, Phil. PHIL It isn't? UNCLE ALEISTER It ain't. The time is now. Shit or get off the pot. PHIL Gee, we really hate to rush into things. UNCLE ALEISTER Tough titty. PHIL What happens if, uh ... if we ... uh ... refuse? GRANDMA We cut out your hearts and eat them. (A pause. Then everybody laughs wildly.) GAIL Grandma's kidding. We don't do that anymore. It's old- fashioned. Instead, we'll rape you both and leave your charred corpses in an irrigation ditch. LESTER Can I go first, Daddy? (strokes Molly's hair) She's pretty. (holds snake against her cheek) Isn't she pretty, Boris? PHIL & MOLLY We're in!!!! SIMON Glad to hear it. You've made a wise decision. (to Aleister) Have you got the contracts, Uncle Aleister? UNCLE ALEISTER (pulling out papers) Is the Pope Catholic? SIMON Not anymore. (They laugh. Uncle Aleister grabs Phil's hand. He pricks a finger to draw blood.) PHIL Ouch! UNCLE ALEISTER Sign right here, pantywaist. (Phil signs. Aleister pricks Molly's finger. Aleister holds the paper for her. She signs, shaking.) LESTER Can I go first, can I go first? SIMON Sure, son. You know I prefer to watch anyway. (Lester starts to unbuckle his pants.) PHIL Wait a minute! That's not fair! We've joined up! You can't rape and kill us now! SIMON We're not gonna kill you. Just rape you. It's part of the initiation. (to Lester) Go ahead, son. Do your damnedest. (Lester and Grandma grab Molly. Simon and Gail grab Phil. Uncle Aleister wrenches Phil away.) UNCLE ALEISTER Uh, uh. The paintywaist is mine. (to Lester) Hey, peckerwood. Toss me the snake. (Uncle Aleister grins wickedly.) PHIL Noooooooooooooo! (Blackout.) THE END