Nostalgia Brand Chewing Gum by Eric Gordon Set: Down stage center there is a dining room table and four chairs. Just upstage of the table there is a stereo with a box of CD's placed on top. The front door is upstage center leading out to stage right, and there is another door upstage center that leads to the kitchen facing stage left. There are two matching psychologist's couches on either side of the stage. ARTHUR: (The lights come up on Arthur laying on the couch stage right. He sits up having just taken notice of the audience and puts a piece of gum in his mouth. To us.) Hi. My name's Arthur. (He expects the lights to go down, but they actually get brighter. He goes over to the person in the light booth) What? (The light booth operator gives him the middle finger and Arthur passively returns to the couch.) I suppose since I'm out here you want me to say something. Well isn't that typical? You're just like everybody else. I so much as tell you my name and you want something from me. I guess you want me to entertain you. Maybe sing and dance? I can do a few magic tricks. Well, you've come to the wrong place. (He storms off stage, slamming the door behind him. Pause. Arthur runs back on stage in a panic.) No, don't leave. I mean, you're probably in the right place. You're expectations just overshadow your reality. Common problem. Don't worry about it. (pause) I guess I can just tell you who I am. My name's Arthur. (he starts to read from a piece of paper in his hand) I'm a male caucasian, born in Chicago, 1972. Favorite color, green. Favorite food, macaroni and cheese. Favorite sit-com, Happy Days. Favorite day of the week, Tuesday. Political affiliation, none, despite my Watergate birth. Philosophical perspective, can't decide. And I've never seen a full episode of Bay Watch. That about sums me up. (pause) No, just kidding...there's more. (He stops to collect himself). I just graduated from college from a semi-prestigious University, I'm working at a Fotomat, and I'm not qualified for anything else. (explaining) I don't have any skills. I can chat you up about literature or philosophy, or some such bullshit for hours, but that's about it. I mean, I can really carry a pretentious conversation well. Of course, no one will pay me for that. I can set up a booth outside the supermarket and charge five cents to site 19th century literature at inappropriate times, but I just don't think it'll fly. No matter how hard I try, I can't get behind this 9 to 5 thing. And no, I don't think I'm lazy, I just think that college has conditioned me to be ill at ease with anything short of sitting in a 5 by 5 room in the middle of a parking lot, contemplating stuff. I really believe that my degree has prepared me for Fotomat. They should just cut the crap, and call my degree what it is - retail studies. It's not that I'm some freak, and I'm destined for failure or anything. I mean, I come from a semi-middle class family, with semi-normal parents and siblings, and I think I have semi-normal values, y'know the straight up shit like don't kill your friends or sleep with your dog. And yet, despite my unturbulent history, I'm a semi-neurotic mess, who sits in a box all day trying to figure out why I'm so damn neurotic. I guess that's why I'm here. I see it as sort of a coming out. I've never really admitted this to myself before. So I feel that by telling you, I'm sort of coming out of the closet. Like it's the first step to wearing fucked-up-neurotic pride pins on my lapel, and marching in parades celebrating the great cultural bond of neuroses. (pause.) Y'know I just realized that I'm sounding like your typical Gen-X slacker character. But I'm really not. I mean, of course I'm slightly self interested, because you have to be, y'know? Something I did learn in college is that no one gives a shit about you, and the word friend is synonymous with connection. It's a lonely realization. (he begins to pace) That's why I don't really trust anyone. I'm pretty sure everyone I know is just using me for something, whether it be cheap developing or pretentious conversations. I mean, everyone's got a motive. So I just hang out with people long enough until I figure it out, and then I get rid of 'em. Unless of course, you're me ex-girlfriend. Then you get rid of me. Generally I live by the statute that you throw away the bridge before it collapses. Well my ex collapsed while I was standing at her highest point. (sigh) She was beautiful...I mean not in your typical barbie doll, slow down my heel broke, I don't understand politics, it's so cute when you get upset over the newspaper sorta way. Her beauty went much deeper than that. I later found out that looks can be deceiving. (Lights go out on Arthur and come up on Lolita, laying down on the couch stage left. She is an attractive woman in her early twenties.) LOLITA: (to us) I guess Arthur already came in here to talk to you huh? I knew he would get to you before me. Did he mention me? Of course he did. (sarcastically) Did he go into how I ruthlessly broke his heart, and that my inability to show remorse is inhuman at best? Did he tell you about my diabolical plan to erase all of his genetic material so I can more easily take advantage of him? I'm sorry, but he incessantly criticized me for playing the victim for our entire relationship, and I'm sick of it. He's obsessed. (pause) I guess I should tell you who I am. My name's Lolita. In relation to Arthur, I'm his ex-girlfriend. I broke up with him about two months ago. I think I'm pretty happy about it, I mean, I know its a good thing. It wasn't working out. I just graduated from college, and I'm going to try my hardest to do something with my life. I loved Arthur, I still do love him, I just feel like our lives are going in completely different directions. He's occupied with thinking ridiculously deep thoughts, and wasting his life away searching for some non-existent intellectual catharsis, and I'm trying really hard to find some practical grounding. I felt like he didn't understand me. He wanted to believe that he was some enlightened male, with a firm understanding of what it's like to be a woman. And frankly, although at first it was refreshing, it got annoying. He turned his empathy into your typical male, 'i know everything' crap. He thought he could tell me what was best for me, and what I could do to be happier. Sure, I'm generally not a very happy person, there's too much not to be happy about, but I can't tell you how much it pisses me off when someone with a false happiness tries to tell you how to be as falsely happy as them, because they can't deal with you being unhappy. (pause. she stops to collect herself. she takes a deep breath.) I'm sorry. I don't mean to go off like that. (pause) Anyway, I've moved on. I have a new boyfriend. Someone much more suitable to my needs...much less draining. I haven't told Arthur about him yet. He's probably not going to take it well. (Pause.) Especially because Arthur and Bob are friends. Well, they used to be housemates in college. I mean it's not like Arthur actually liked him. Arthur always told me that he thought Bob was an egomaniac with a limited intellect, and that he couldn't argue himself out of a tanning salon. My personal take on the whole thing was that Arthur was threatened by him, and perhaps a bit attracted to him. I don't know. So what do I do? I'm seeing this guy that Arthur hates, and I don't know how to tell him. I feel terrible that he's so miserable, but it's not my responsibility, right? We're not going out anymore, I can do what I want. But if I don't tell him, he's going to find out from someone else, and he'll hate me, because he'll get the wrong idea. Whatever that is. So I invited Arthur over for dinner so I could break the news. I didn't want to just spring it on him over the phone. That just seemed so impersonal. (pause) I guess I feel a little guilty about seeing Bob. That's why I'm doing this. (lights go out on Lolita, and raise again on Arthur. He is pacing back and forth with a desperation.) ARTHUR: (to us) Why is she doing this? Lolita wants me to come to dinner at her house. This kinda makes me nervous. I can't tell what she wants. What should I do? I can't go. I'm busy. (pause) I gotta go. Do you see this? - my legs are fucking shaking. I haven't seen her since she dumped me like yesterday's dinner... I don't even know if I want to see her. Out of sight, out of mind, y'know? What could she want? Maybe she feels like she didn't get enough low blows in, so she's inviting me over to kick me a few more times. Well fuck that! I'm not going! (pause) I told her I would be there. This may sound shitty, but I don't want to go alone. I figure if I bring someone along, someone beautiful, than maybe she'll get the wrong idea, and I'll finally get the upper hand on her. So I called Lolita back and told her I was bringing my friend Kara. Unfortunately, she seemed OK with it. She said 'no problem.' Well, wait 'til she gets a load of Kara. She's my manager at Fotomat. She's really young, like just out of high school, and she's really beautiful. I'm hoping it'll piss Lolita off. Hopefully, she'll think that I'm mindlessly spreading my seed and having a wonderful time. I just think she has the obligation to feel a bit jealous. I want her to feel bad for awhile. I think it would be good for her. (Lights slowly fade on Arthur. Black out. Lights come up on center stage where there is a table and chairs. Bob is sitting down at the table reading Sports Illustrated. The apartment is a mess. There are boxes and clothes scattered all over. Lolita enters from the kitchen in a cleaning frenzy.) BOB: So I think I'm going to run the marathon this year. LOLITA: (moving frantically) This dinner is going to be a disaster. BOB: I know I'm in great shape. I could do it if I wanted to. LOLITA: What am I thinking? Where do I get off playing emotional engineer with Arthur? This whole thing is entirely presumptuous. BOB: You think I could do it right? I mean I've never run a marathon, but I've run pretty far. I don't really think it's a stretch for me. I'm in really good shape. LOLITA: I know you are. But what do you think about this dinner idea? Seriously. BOB: If it makes you happy, than go for it. LOLITA: This may be hard for you to understand, but I'm not doing this for myself. BOB: You doing this for me? LOLITA: No. I'm doing this for Arthur. Look, you've got to go, he's going to be here any minute. BOB: What are you afraid of? LOLITA: Nothing. I just want to be adult about the whole thing. BOB: Look honey, Arthur's a big boy now. He'll be fine. Y'know, I don't know why you're still walking on eggshells when it comes to his feelings. LOLITA: I'm not walking on eggshells, I'm just really careful. BOB: Oh. LOLITA: Bob, do me a favor, just go home. I'll call you later. BOB: Ah, come on. Can't I just stick around for a little while? LOLITA: No! BOB: OK. (He comes up behind her and kisses her neck) But I'm much more fun than Arthur. LOLITA: Don't you feel at all guilty or responsible for protecting his feelings? I mean, he is your friend. (rethinking) well, you used to live with him. BOB: Yeah, well each man gets his just desserts. And I'm feeling my appetite coming on. (Bob makes an animalistic sound and grabs Lolita into his arms, passionately kissing her. Lolita returns the passion.) LOLITA: (she pulls away) Arthur's going to be here any minute. BOB: I think you worry too much. LOLITA: Think what you want to think. I've got things to do. I've got to boil the potatoes. BOB: (still kissing her) Don't worry about, I'll do it. Just relax. LOLITA: You're right, I just need to relax. Everything will work out fine. I've got to start those potatoes. BOB: (Bob sits Lolita down at the table) You just stay right there. I got them taken care of. LOLITA: All this stress is merely in my head. I put it there, I can take it away. BOB: Exactly. LOLITA: Are you going to get those potatoes? BOB: (still kissing her) You bet. LOLITA: (distracted) Potatoes... BOB: (not moving) Hmm hm. LOLITA: You're not moving! You're just standing there! You're not getting the potatoes, you're just standing there! I asked you to get the potatoes, you said you'd get the potatoes. But you're just standing there! Forget it! Forget this whole thing. Forget the dinner. Forget the potatoes! Forget the conversation. Forget my good intentions. I'm calling Arthur right now to tell him the whole thing is off. (she picks up the phone.) (doorbell rings) LOLITA: Shit! You got to go! BOB: Don't worry about it. LOLITA: He's here! BOB: It'll be fine. LOLITA: I can't believe this. (Lolita panics and makes a desperate last attempt to clean the apartment. Bob waits for a few seconds and then walks over to the door and opens it. Lolita runs after him and Bob opens the door.) Arthur and his beautiful friend Kara are standing outside the door. Kara is about 19 years old. She is wearing a revealing outfit and high heels) LOLITA: Hi Arthur, I'm really glad you could come. (she gives him a hug.) You know bob. ARTHUR: Oh yeah (to Arthur) Hi. BOB: (staring at Kara the whole time) Hey dude. What's up? ARTHUR: Nothing, thanks. LOLITA: Come in. ARTHUR: This is Kara. Kara this is Lolita. (Bob grabs her hand) And this is Bob. (She reaches for Lolita's hand. Bob doesn't take his eyes off of her.) KARA: Hi. LOLITA: I'm really glad you guys could make it. BOB: Hi there Kara. My name's Bob. (he extends his hand) LOLITA: Bob you were just introduced, sit down. (Bob sits.) So, Kara, how do you know Arthur? KARA: (She looks at Arthur) We go way back. ARTHUR: I didn't even know that you and Bob were friends. Bob, I thought you graduated and took some great job someplace far away. BOB: Oh no. I've just been laying low here. I figured I'd give the world a break before I go out there and give 'em hell. I'm thinking about running the LA marathon this year. I was the national champion in cross country running in college y'know. ARTHUR: Oh well, how could I not know that Bob? BOB: Yeah I suppose you must have seen all my trophies in our house huh? ARTHUR: Couldn't miss 'em. LOLITA: Bob, can you...(nodding toward the kitchen) BOB: Oh Yeah, sure. Hey let me get that dinner ready. (he walks off stage.) LOLITA: Why don't you two have a seat. (Arthur and Kara sit down) ARTHUR: Good to see you again. LOLITA: Yeah, you too. (pause) ARTHUR: Great to see Bob. LOLITA: Didn't I tell you he was going to be here tonight? ARTHUR: No, in fact. LOLITA: Oh, well...Bob is going to be here. ARTHUR: I figured. LOLITA: That doesn't bother you? ARTHUR: No. LOLITA: Good...You're early. ARTHUR: Yeah. No traffic. LOLITA: Those LA roads are getting better and better. ARTHUR: That's for sure. LOLITA: So Kara...What do you do? LOLITA: (grasping for thoughts) I do photography. LOLITA: Really? What sort of stuff do you do. KARA: Oh, I don't actually do it. I just send the film off to be developed. LOLITA: Wow. Photolab gal? KARA: Yup. LOLITA: Good deal. KARA: I work with Arthur. LOLITA: Really. Where? KARA: Fotomat. LOLITA: No? Arthur, you work at Fotomat? The one on that corner. ARTHUR: Sure do. LOLITA: How's that treating you? ARTHUR: Perfect. KARA: (to Lolita) Do you do photography? LOLITA: Yeah, that was my minor in college. KARA: No way. I want to do something like that too. LOLITA: It's fun. I could show you some of my stuff. KARA: What sort of stuff do you do? LOLITA: Well, I used to be into the abstract thing, but I don't feel comfortable with that anymore. Now I'm doing portraits. ARTHUR: Really? Why aren't you doin' the abstract thing anymore? LOLITA: It just seemed...pretentious. ARTHUR: Pretentious? That's what photography's all about. The art of photography is to make an image look nothing like what it actually is, but a lot like something it's not. LOLITA: Really? I never learned that. ARTHUR: Well, now you know. LOLITA: You're wrong. Lots of things that look like what they are can be passed as art. Like a great shot of...the Golden Gate Bridge, is still art. ARTHUR: Maybe 20 years ago, but not now. LOLITA: That's ridiculous. ARTHUR: I don't think so. LOLITA: Whatever. (Lolita goes into the kitchen to get a pitcher of water. She pours everyone a glass.) ARTHUR: (to Lolita) Do you have any of your old stuff around? LOLITA: No, I think it's all stuck in a box somewhere. I haven't gotten around to completely unpacking yet. ARTHUR: Well the place looks good. Why haven't you invited me over sooner? LOLITA: I'm sorry. I keep meaning to call you. It's just that I've been really busy with things, y'know? ARTHUR: Yeah. I've been busy too. LOLITA: With what? ARTHUR: Lots of stuff. I met some new people and I started hanging out with a lot of my friends that I neglected over the past couple of years. LOLITA: Great. ARTHUR: And you? LOLITA: Pretty much the same thing. I've been hanging out with a lot of different people. ARTHUR: Who? I haven't seen you at any shows. I was beginning to think you fell down some well. LOLITA: Well I did. But I got out. I'm fine now. ARTHUR: I'm glad to hear it. LOLITA: I'm so exhausted. ARTHUR: Climbing out of the well? LOLITA: No, I've just been insanely busy lately. ARTHUR: Busy day? LOLITA: Busy life. I need a vacation. ARTHUR: Yeah, don't we all. LOLITA: Do you guys just know each other through work? ARTHUR: Yeah...and sometimes off work. (looking to Kara for approval) KARA: We hang out a lot. ARTHUR: We've become really good friends. LOLITA: Oh. ARTHUR: So...You look like you're happy. I mean, the place is nice. LOLITA: Thanks. KARA: It looks very homey. LOLITA: That's what I'm shooting for. ARTHUR: Homey? (Bob enters) BOB: It looks like dinner's almost there. LOLITA: (to Bob) Can you do me a favor and get the wine? BOB: Not a problem. (Bob leaves again.) KARA: You've got him trained. LOLITA: It's not what it looks like. ARTHUR: Really? What does it look like? LOLITA: I don't know, Kara brought it up. (Bob enters again with the wine.) Hey, thanks. BOB: Not a problem. ARTHUR: So when did you two start hanging out? LOLITA: About a month ago. We ran into each other at the supermarket, and discovered that we live in the same apartment complex. What a small world. ARTHUR: Yeah. It's crazy, isn't it? (pause) That makes me really happy. It's nice to know that you two are friends because you both knew me way back when. And through me, you became friends. Sort of like, butterfly flaps its wings in China, and boom - earthquake in LA. It's good to be the butterfly. Will you excuse me for a second? (Arthur works his way over to the stage right couch and lays down. The lights go down on the table and raise on Arthur.) What the hell? Have I died and gone to some hell for idiots? Does she think I don't know what she's doing? Does she think that I can walk in on the Cleavers and not know that something's up. I may be a lot of things, but I'm not dense. She's not fooling me. I can smell sex on their breath. Shit, I never liked that guy! Never trust a jock! Does she think just because he's all fit and good looking that she's going to be happy? What does he have to offer that I don't? I mean, I'm attractive. I was good in bed. I tried really hard. Well, I never finished before she did. I don't get it. (sigh) This is just great. I don't deserve this torture. The worst part about this evening is that it's not over, and I'm still going to have to sit through the, "Arthur, I need to tell you something" crap. And then I'm supposed to act all Ladida-everything's fine - I go home and cut my wrists, and she feels good about herself for being honest. Then she goes and has the best sex of her life with good ol' Bob because she's finally cleansed of her guilt! FUCK! That's just not acceptable. (takes a deep breath) I gotta get out of here. What would the Beaver do if he found out that Ward and June were having sex? (lights go back up on the table as Arthur walks back to center stage) BOB: (to Arthur) Is it usually so hot in June? ARTHUR: What's it to you? BOB: Hey relax buddy, I'm just trying to figure out my training schedule this month. ARTHUR: I bet. KARA: Yes, June is usually a very hot month. BOB: Thanks. ARTHUR: (Sits.) July's hotter. BOB: Fine. So, how's post graduation treating you? ARTHUR: Just great. BOB: Working? ARTHUR: ah...yeah. BOB: Where? ARTHUR: Fotomat, Bob...thanks for asking. LOLITA: What about your band? ARTHUR: We broke up. BOB: Dude, things aren't going well for you are they? ARTHUR: No, actually they're going fine...but, y'know once again, thanks for asking. BOB: (unable to pick up on Arthur's sarcasm.) Not a problem. ARTHUR: Read any good books lately? BOB: No. ARTHUR: Yeah, that's too bad...Look, maybe this isn't such a good idea. (Arthur stands up) I got to be at work in the morning, pretty early. (Bob rushes to the door and open it. Arthur grabs Kara and starts to move towards the front door. Lolita follows.) LOLITA: Oh c'mon Arthur, just relax, I'm offering you a free dinner here. ARTHUR: I don't know...you o.k. Kara? KARA: Yeah, I'm fine. LOLITA: Good. (Arthur sits down again, with extreme discomfort) BOB: (sipping wine. to Arthur) So, where'd you and Kara meet? ARTHUR: We work together. KARA: Yeah, I'm his boss. (playful) But, sometimes I think he has a hard time taking orders from me. ARTHUR: (frustrated) I don't have a hard time taking orders from you, I just have a hard time taking orders in general. KARA: Good, so I shouldn't take it personally. ARTHUR: No, take it very impersonally. It doesn't concern you, move on. KARA: So what's the problem with taking orders? ARTHUR: I've got a problem with the whole concept. Why should everyone assume that they know how to do things better than I do? I've got a college degree for Christ's sake. I know that doesn't mean anything, but maybe it should mean that I can properly write someone's phone number on an order form. KARA: I had no idea. LOLITA: Y'know Arthur, that's your problem, somehow you think you're above everyone else. You think you have all the answers to everything, and chances are, your going to remain stagnant all your life because you refuse to play the game with anybody else's rules. KARA: I won't tell you how to label the bags anymore. ARTHUR: (ignoring Kara) That's just it, it's a game. It's a bunch of lame rules that somebody else made up. I think I'm lucky, because I can step out of it and realize that it's all a bunch of bullshit. Maybe I won't end up with the most hotels, and maybe that buzzer's going to go off when I go for the funny bone, but at least I'm not fooling myself. Maybe you've got the problem! BOB: Look Arthur, it doesn't really matter. Just play the game to win. ARTHUR: Ignorance is bliss Bob. BOB: Well in that case, it's also cash, bro. LOLITA: Arthur, you're digging your own grave. You're being childish and irresponsible. There are millions of people in the world that would kill for your education, and the opportunities that you've had in your life. You're throwing it all away with your adolescent brooding. KARA: Well I don't know, I think his brooding is cute. ARTHUR: Thanks Kara. LOLITA: Look, this is not what I wanted from this evening. Why don't we eat? Bob, would you help me get the food from the kitchen. BOB: Sure, babe. LOLITA: (embarrassed. She elbows him in the side. Whispering) Bob. (Bob and Lolita walk off stage) (Pause) ARTHUR: I'm sorry I brought you here tonight. I didn't think it was going to be this tense. KARA: Oh no, don't worry about it. (comforting) I'm glad I could help. ARTHUR: So, are you having a good time? KARA: Yeah. ARTHUR: Really? KARA: Sure. ARTHUR: You're OK with staying? KARA: I'm fine. ARTHUR: Well, you wanted to meet my ex-girlfriend. KARA: I did. She seems nice. (pause) Is she like, seeing Bob? ARTHUR: I don't know. KARA: I don't know what she sees in him. ARTHUR: Really? KARA: Well he's cute, but...I don't know, he just doesn't do it for me. ARTHUR: Well that's good to know. I mean, he does it for everyone else. KARA: (jokingly) You too? ARTHUR: Hey, why not. (Bob comes out from the kitchen and stops by the door) He's good looking, slim physique, I mean Bob's a real babe, right? (Bob goes back into the kitchen) How can I blame Lolita? He's got oh so much to offer her. KARA: So they are going out? ARTHUR: Sure looks like it. It seems pretty cruel that she would invite me over here so she could flaunt her new boy toy. KARA: That's not cool. ARTHUR: It's just like her though. She's got some rational, systematic view of the world. She probably sees nothing wrong with what she's doing here. To her it's a good thing to see the executioner before he lops off your head, so you have a better understanding of what's going on. And once she finally gets around to telling me about her and captain cave man, she can check that off of her list of altruistic deeds for the month, and feel good about herself again. KARA: Are you still hung up on her? ARTHUR: No. (pause) I don't know. It's just that any move she makes at this point is going to torture me, because I'm the one who was dumped. She can so much as sneeze, and I'll see it as a reason why I'm inadequate... KARA: I don't think you're inadequate. ARTHUR: Well, you don't know me well enough. KARA: It's not fair what Lolita's doing. ARTHUR: Yeah, I don't think so either. KARA: To invite your ex over to flaunt your new boyfriend. That's low. ARTHUR: The lowest. KARA: I can't believe you were with her for so long if she was so insensitive. ARTHUR: Me neither. What was I thinking? KARA: You deserve better than that. ARTHUR: Everyone deserves better than that! KARA: So what's the problem? ARTHUR: There's no problem. If anything's going on between them, I take pity on them both. KARA: Do you mean that? ARTHUR: (he gets up) YES! (Lights go down on center stage. Stage right couch lights up and Arthur briefly steps into the light. Kara freezes.) No I don't mean that. I'm injured in a pretty severe way by the whole ordeal. Tar and feathering might be preferable. (Arthur walks back to center stage and lights return to normal.) KARA: I'm really glad to hear that. ARTHUR: I liked hearing it too. (Bob and Lolita enter carrying food. Bob gives Arthur a dirty look. They sit down at the table.) LOLITA: Here's the grub. BOB: I'll get another plate. (Bob exits) LOLITA: The potatoes may be a bit under cooked. ARTHUR: Fine. I like my taters a bit hard. KARA: Don't worry about it. Thanks for cooking dinner. LOLITA: Your welcome. BOB: (Bob enters) Here we go. Let's dig in to this potato feast. (He starts eating) Sorry there's no main course. LOLITA: Arthur's a vegetarian. This is the main course. BOB: Oh yeah. I remember that now. Man that's gotta suck. Don't ya ever just want to sink your teeth into a nice juicy steak. ARTHUR: No, actually, I'm quite content with my teeth just where they are. Lolita's a vegetarian too, y'know. BOB: Tell that to the hamburger she ate yesterday. ARTHUR: (To Lolita) Really? (Lolita pours herself a glass of wine.) LOLITA: Yeah. It was just one. I've decided to mellow out a bit. ARTHUR: Mellow out? What about 'Meat is Dead'? (Lolita gulps all of her wine and pours another glass for herself.) What about the diminishing rain forests? What about the corporate interest of the meat industry? You used to call it the murder industry! LOLITA: (Gulping another glass of wine.) Can we not talk about that right now? KARA: I heard they kill baby cows to make steak. ARTHUR: That's veal. KARA: That's so horrible. How can anyone do that? ARTHUR: (to Kara) Are you a vegetarian? KARA: Not officially. But I don't like to eat meat. LOLITA: (Drinking her third glass of wine.) Look. It's not a big deal. It's none of your business anyway. ARTHUR: You're right. You can do what you want. LOLITA: Thank you. ARTHUR: (Under his breath) My how people change. LOLITA: Just give it a rest! Alright?! ARTHUR: Fine. (pause.) BOB: (Holding a fork in his hand.) So, did anyone see Ricki Lake today? (Lolita continues to drink.) I really respect her for having to deal with freaks every day and keeping her sanity. She had these total fags on the show. (At this point Lolita is noticeably drunk. She repeatedly attempts to take the fork from Bob's hand.) They were prancing around in their little skimpy drag outfits n' stuff. That crap shouldn't be allowed on the public airwaves. Why should we all be subjected to that shit? I mean, if you want to be a fag, fine, but don't shove it in my face. ARTHUR: You can turn off the TV. BOB: Why should I have to? TV is for everyone to use. If I have to turn it off than I'm not being given equal opportunity to use my television. ARTHUR: Then you can change the damn channel! Maybe choose to read a book. BOB: (Lolita keeps trying for the fork.) What's your problem? I'm proposing a solution here. ARTHUR: A solution? You said homosexuals shouldn't be allowed to talk. BOB: I did not. See, you're putting words in my mouth. I said, it doesn't matter what they say, as long as they don't shove it in my face. LOLITA: No one is shoving anything in your face Bob. BOB: It seems like Arthur is shoving his liberal ideas there. ARTHUR: Oh Jesus. LOLITA: Would you excuse me for a second? I need a fork! (Lolita gets up and moves toward her couch stage left. Lights go down on the table and raise on couch. She is in a drunken haze.) What am I doing? This was obviously a big mistake. Bob is here. I can't tell Arthur about Bob in front of Bob! I can't tell Arthur anything in front of Bob. And what's with the little floozy? What does Arthur see in her? I know what Arthur likes in women, and she's not any of those things. And that little sweet act isn't working on me. At least Bob doesn't pretend to be something he's not. (pause) OK, so Bob isn't the most intellectual guy in the world. He isn't even the most sensitive guy in the world, but right now all I want from a relationship is comfort...and honestly...sex. Not that sex was the reason Arthur and I broke up. For awhile, Arthur and I were having amazing sex. But I think, along with the emotional crumbling of our relationship, the sex began to suffer. It's funny, I met Bob because he lived with Arthur. I would spend the night over there a lot. I never really liked Bob very much at first. In fact, sometimes Arthur and I would spend hours deconstructing his limited intellect. One day, though, he told me what beautiful eyes I had, and he asked me if I had ever tried modeling. And then the next day when I walked out of Arthur's room I happened to see Bob walking from the shower to his room wearing just a towel around his waist. He wasn't completely dried off, and he still had water droplets racing down his chest towards whatever was under that towel. But before all those little racing droplets could get to their destination they were captured by that terrycloth guard. After a while, every time I would spend the night at Arthur's house I would plan when I left his room to coincide with Bob's fateful walk. Soon it came to be an obsession with me. I had to stop that towel from interrupting that river of droplets. I had to take that towel away from him! I wanted to rip all forms of cloth from his body and fuck him! (pause. She grabs a fork from the couch cushion.) And eventually, I did. (Lolita goes back to center stage and the lights come up on the table. Arthur, Bob, and Kara are silently eating their dinner. Lolita sits.) LOLITA: I need some more wine. BOB: (Bob, upset with how much Lolita is drinking tries to offer her a glass of water.) Here ya go. LOLITA: Thank you! (She grabs the empty bottle of wine from the table and walks off into the kitchen.) KARA: The food's good Lolita. LOLITA: (From off stage.) Thank you. (She enters with another bottle of wine, and pours herself a glass.) Why don't I put on some music. ARTHUR: (dripping with sarcasm) What a splendid idea. LOLITA: (to Arthur) Do you want to pick the music? ARTHUR: Sure, I think I can handle that. (Arthur moves up stage to the stereo) Where are all your CD's? LOLITA: There's a few in that box. ARTHUR: (Sifting through box) What's this? LOLITA: It's a CD. ARTHUR: I know that...but the Rolling Stones? LOLITA: Yeah. ARTHUR: What's it doing here? LOLITA: What's your problem? ARTHUR: You hate the Stones! You used to call them dick rock at its finest! What's come over you? BOB: It's mine. I brought it over for the party. Just relax. ARTHUR: (Arthur goes back to his chair, and sits.) Wow, just when you think you know somebody. Boom! LOLITA: I think they're fun. Maybe you should give 'em a chance. ARTHUR: No thanks. (sarcastic) I don't have time, I'm too busy listening to the Steve Miller Band. But maybe when I finish drinking this Miller Light and cawing at chicks, I'll give you a buzz dude. (laughing) Come on Lolita. BOB: Dude, you need to calm down. ARTHUR: I'm just shocked, that's all. It's like finding out your mother's really a man or something. KARA: I'm not really in to that macho rock n' roll stuff either. LOLITA: Arthur, I've grown up. ARTHUR: In the last couple of months? LOLITA: Yeah, in the last couple of months. Sometimes now, I do things because they make me happy. I've learned not to be so obsessed with image. Music's not a status symbol to me anymore. Sorry I'm not cool. ARTHUR: (defensive) I'm not saying you're not cool. I just don't understand the sudden obsession with the Stones. LOLITA: It's not an obsession for christ's sake, I just have the fucking CD sitting over by my stereo. You must be obsessed with that shirt you're wearing, I mean, it's touching your skin. ARTHUR: You're being dumb. LOLITA: Oh, and you're not? ARTHUR: OK, forget it. Forget I brought the whole thing up. Jeez, I'm just trying to make conversation. I'll put something else in. (He puts in The Smiths', "Girl Friend In A Coma". Before the lyrics start he turns it up really loud. He sits down. Lolita starts laughing hysterically when she hears the song. The song plays for about thirty seconds, and then Bob gets up and angrily turns it off.) So...weather's nice. KARA: It's really hot. ARTHUR: Yeah, I'm being sarcastic. I hate this weather. LOLITA: It's like this a lot. You're living in the wrong city. ARTHUR: Aren't we all? LOLITA: No, I don't think so. ARTHUR: (Everyone freezes except Arthur. Lights go down on center stage and raise on the stage right couch. He moves over to his couch and directs his words to Lolita.) Of course you don't think so. It seems like you haven't been doing much thinking lately at all. I can't believe you've become just another faceless atrocity of the LA population. (to us) I went into Del Taco to get something to eat yesterday, and this emaciated homeless woman dressed in tattered clothing slithers up to me. With a total of two teeth in her mouth she opens it to ask me if I can write. So I said yes. Then she asks me if I could help her write a check to her brother in Colorado because he needs some money to pay his bills. So I said sure. She looks at me with this painful glee in her eyes and tells me that she's not feeling well and has to take her medicine. She asks me if I'm still going to be there in ten minutes. I said yes. She thanks me like five times. "Thank you, you're so nice, you're so wonderful, thank you." Then she sort of waddles back over to her booth and crouches in it like it was the front row of a porno theatre. I get my food, and I'm eating this relatively disgusting burrito, and this woman is over at her table coughing up the biggest phlegm chunks I've ever heard, and making this horrible moaning sound. And instead of feeling sorry for her, the first thought that comes to my mind is how disgusted I am. I've got this vivid picture of her in my mind - toothless, tattered clothing, rank smell. And now it's combined with this moaning and coughing...I just want to puke. I'm sitting there trying to force down my burrito without throwing it up, and this woman is going about her daily miserable routine, happy that some guy is going to help her write a check, because she can't write it herself. And the only thing I can do, after sitting there for five minutes corking my vomit is to leave. I walked out without helping her. I get up from my table. She cries out, "you're not leaving are you?" I ignore her, and walk out the door. I just left. I felt bad for a second, but then I went about my day like nothing happened. I wonder how the rest of her day went? I guess she's in the wrong city too. (Arthur walks back to center stage. The others unfreeze.) KARA: Do you know it was a hundred degrees today? ARTHUR: Cooler than yesterday. BOB: This heat makes me thrive. ARTHUR: I can't think when it's hot. BOB: That's what's so great, you just take it in and relax. ARTHUR: How can you relax? It's too hot to relax. It's too hot to do anything but think about how hot it is. LOLITA: That's because you think too much. ARTHUR: According to who's standards? BOB: Mine. ARTHUR: And the problem is? KARA: Well, you just got to go to the beach a lot. ARTHUR: Who has time to do that? LOLITA: Bob and I drove up the coast to Santa Barbara today. ARTHUR: Great. Did'ya have a good time? LOLITA: It was too crowded. ARTHUR: Cryin' shame. LOLITA: I just couldn't believe the amount of people that were there. I could tell they were all tourists. They were driving like maniacs. Why did everyone decide to go there today? It was cold. The sky was hazy. People were loopy. Is that what happens when you leave home? I just don't understand tourists. Do you stop thinking when you leave your home town? ARTHUR: Did you? LOLITA: No. ARTHUR: I guess that theory's shot. LOLITA: Seriously. ARTHUR: OK. Well, I hate tourism. Because everyone judges you. Everyone hates you because your in their town and leaving your own, which is obviously not as cool as theirs, otherwise why would you be visiting. And they're all completely paranoid that you're gonna decide to move there to contribute to the overcrowding problem. LOLITA: Why do people put themselves through it? ARTHUR: Why did you? LOLITA: It was good to get away. ARTHUR: Well, I guess the grass is always greener across the county line? LOLITA: What do you mean by that? ARTHUR: Nothing. LOLITA: Well, you said it so...knowingly. ARTHUR: I know nothing. BOB: Oh, come on. You make it sound like everyone's unhappy. The majority of people in this world are happy. Did you ever think that people go places because they're happy. ARTHUR: No. BOB: Well it's true. ARTHUR: You gotta be kidding. Do you think Rush Limbaugh would exist if the majority of people were happy? LOLITA: Happiness is more than just the state of society, Arthur. I mean, you can live in Stalinist Russia, and still find happiness. ARTHUR: Yeah, if you were Stalin. I bet he was real happy. LOLITA: No, I just think that happiness is deeper than that. ARTHUR: Happiness is a construct. And a paper thin one at that. It's so easily crumpled up and thrown away. LOLITA: You haven't changed, have you? I don't see how you can go through your entire life thinking that way. Don't you annoy yourself? If you see no chance of being happy, then what are you living for? What do you want from your life? BOB: Yeah, what do you want? ARTHUR: What are you, my parents? (Lights fade on center stage and come up on Lolita's couch. Bob and Lolita change their position to take on the role of Arthur's parents. They are old, with a noticeable Jewish dialect.) LOLITA: Arthur was such a good boy until he started listening to loud music and going out every night. BOB: I liked it when he was gone, so I didn't have to hear that music. LOLITA: Honey, stop...We both loved having Arthur at home, it just would have been nicer if he talked to us more about his problems instead of his weird friends. BOB: Freaks! All of 'em. I was embarrassed to have 'em in my house. It was like pulling teeth - having to see those freaks every day. It's no surprise that our boy turned out the way he did. LOLITA: Calm down honey. (They return to their seats at the table. Lights return to normal.) LOLITA: So what do you want out of your life?! ARTHUR: (confused) Sanity...? BOB: Well you need money for that. ARTHUR: Thanks Bob. LOLITA: You're not going to get it with how you're acting. ARTHUR: Is that a threat? LOLITA: No. It's a reality check. ARTHUR: Is it still there? LOLITA: What? ARTHUR: Reality. LOLITA: For some of us. KARA: Arthur's just being critical. It's healthy. ARTHUR: Exactly. LOLITA: Answer my question. What do you want out of your life? ARTHUR: Do you have a couple days? LOLITA: No, one sentence. ARTHUR: One sentence huh? Can it be abstract? LOLITA: Sure. ARTHUR: Well maybe, I want to know everything there is to know, and find some genuine fulfillment, without all the crap that goes along with it. LOLITA: Good luck. ARTHUR: Well, what do you want...in one sentence. LOLITA: Um...I don't know. ARTHUR: Come on, I did it. BOB: Yeah, let's hear it Lolita. LOLITA: I guess I want to live long enough to see a woman president. BOB: (He laughs loudly.) LOLITA: What? BOB: Nothing. LOLITA: No, tell me! BOB: OK. I just think you're focusing your sights a bit low. These (uses his finger to demonstrate quotation marks) 'abstractions' aren't going to get you anywhere. Life's too short to worry about changing it. LOLITA: (to Bob) OK Mr. Practical. What do you want? BOB: This may sound cliche according to Arthur, but I want to have a lot of money. I want to have enough money where I don't have to worry about those things. I want to take personal responsibility for my happiness. ARTHUR: That's more than one sentence Bob. BOB: Yeah, well you get the picture. If you've got money, you can buy a high security home, and a high security car - and then it don't matter what's out there. ARTHUR: (calm and disbelieving) Are you serious? BOB: 100 percent. How about you Kara, what do you want? KARA: I don't know. I suppose I never really thought about it. BOB: Give it a shot, the rest of us did. KARA: (pause) To me the most important thing is finding people you care about to spend your time with. (to Arthur) It seems like all the things you guys are talking about would be pretty sad unless you're around people you love. (silence. The next few lines are all focused on Kara.) ARTHUR: I used to think that. But I got over it! Relationships are too ephemeral. That shit will just break your heart! LOLITA: You can't rely on other people for your happiness! BOB: If you're broke, and have lots of friends, you're just as broke, you're just as miserable! LOLITA: If you rely on other people, you're only going to be disappointed! (She takes a step back toward stage left.) ARTHUR: (Taking a step toward stage right.) People don't stick around forever. LOLITA: (One more step toward stage left.) People seem to be much more than they actually are. ARTHUR: (One more step toward stage right.) You're the only one that's not going to fuck you over the first chance she gets. LOLITA: (Yet another step. Lights go up on Lolita's couch. She is standing directly in front of her couch.) Not everyone is mature enough to handle a relationship. ARTHUR: (Yet another step. Lights go up on Arthur's couch. He is standing directly in front of his couch.) She's right. Some people are much to selfish! (Arthur and Lolita simultaneously sit down on their couches. Lights go down on their couches. Lights remain up on center stage.) BOB: Strange situation, huh? KARA: Yeah, that's for sure. BOB: You don't know Lolita, do you? KARA: Not before tonight, no. BOB: God, she sure gets upset. KARA: Yeah. BOB: Some women are so uptight. (Kara smiles.) You don't seem like you get upset over silly things. You seem really together. KARA: I try. BOB: Y'know, you have really beautiful eyes. KARA: Thanks. BOB: Have you ever tried modeling? KARA: No. BOB: Well you should. (He moves in closer to Kara.) KARA: Thanks. BOB: Y'know, I've done a little modeling myself. KARA: Really, that's great. BOB: Do you think I'm good looking? KARA: Um... BOB: Yeah. I work out a lot. KARA: That's great. BOB: I get lots of compliments. KARA: Good. That's healthy. BOB: So, are you and Arthur together? KARA: No, but I like him a lot. BOB: Why? He's a whiny wimp. I think he might be gay. KARA: He was together with Lolita for two years. How could he be gay? BOB: Don't ask me. I just know that crazy shit happens sometimes. KARA: Well, I'm not worried about it. BOB: Alright. I hope you're not disappointed. KARA: Thanks for your concern. BOB: Not a problem. KARA: So what about you and Lolita, aren't you together? BOB: Well, yeah, but you're not supposed to hear that from me. Lolita wants to be the one to break the news to the world. KARA: You guys make a cute couple. BOB: Yeah, that Lolita. Sometimes I really don't know if she knows what she has. KARA: In you? BOB: Yeah. Most women I date are really happy to be going out with me. KARA: But not Lolita? BOB: Well, sometimes she's a bit stand-offish when it comes to the emotional side of our relationship. KARA: Really? Do you guys not talk? BOB: No, not exactly. I guess we're on two different wave lengths. KARA: That's too bad. It seems like Lolita's pretty smart. BOB: Well yeah. I think we have two different types of intelligence. Y'know, I'm very rational. She's overly emotional. KARA: Oh. BOB: You know, she got her degree in hating men (Bob laughs). KARA: Yeah. BOB: She goes off on me sometimes about being sexist. She's referred to me as a misogynist. I don't hate women, I love them. And most of them love me, it's good. KARA: Well, what's the problem then. BOB: I don't know, sometimes I think Lolita gets annoyed with me or something. KARA: But you're like dating. She's got to like you a little. BOB: I just get the feeling that sometimes she would prefer some over intellectualized wimp. Someone who talks out of their ass on a twenty four hour schedule. (pause) I don't think she appreciates me. KARA: Do you appreciate her? BOB: Yeah, I do. I really do. (he looks around to make sure that Lolita is nowhere around.) I appreciate her more than you know? KARA: How do you mean? BOB: Like, maybe I love her. KARA: Really? BOB: Yeah, but I don't know if she feels the same way. KARA: Why? BOB: Well, because every time I try to communicate with her, she just grabs me and wants sex. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't really know I'm there. KARA: Just be really up front with her and tell her how you feel. BOB: I don't know. You think that would work? KARA: You could give it a shot. BOB: I guess. (Lights go down on the center stage and raise on Arthur's couch, stage right. He is already sitting on his couch.) ARTHUR: I've got a lot going on in my life right now. This dinner, believe it or not is an unwanted addition. I knew it was going to be hard to see Lolita again. When we broke up, I said that was it. When she's not right in front of me I have an easier time not dealing with my problems. These last few weeks have been pretty stoic for me actually. I've been sorta staring at walls a lot. Picking my noise. I think I like life better that way. Sometimes I don't know how to handle my emotions. Should I blurt them out...?(he stands up and gallantly screams) FUCK, SHIT, PISS, I HATE BOB, AND LOLITA'S RUINING MY LIFE! Or should I wait and try to figure out something more constructive than that. (pause) FUCK, SHIT, PISS!! (he starts punching his couch and jumping around) And Kara. What about Kara? I think she has a crush on me. I'm really tempted to pursue that, but I know it would be a mistake. I don't have any feelings for her. But it's staring me in the face like a dangling fishing line, and it's tough not to bite. I think the only thing to gain would be a big hook through my jaw and a dead worm. Try to have sympathy. I'm in a big transition period of my life right now. I'm done with school and I'm forced to think about the future. It's like moving from the romantic period to the realist period. Now my life's gonna be filled with a bunch of boring landscapes and hard cold facts. Ah well, everyone goes through it - it's a part of the natural jading process. It's just tougher for me when, y'know, it's me. Realism...I hate realism. Abstraction's where it's at. Nothing like what it actually is. I'm more comfortable with that. Realism requires focus and concentration. I can't focus! I can't stop romanticizing the past. I'm chronically nostalgic for my life when it centered around being a hopeless romantic. I can't believe I'm nostalgic for two months ago. It seems like nostalgia moves so fast these days. I'm already nostalgic for what I'm saying now. Where does it end? I'm pretty much convinced that nostalgia is evil. I can't stop chewing on it. It's like...evil nostalgia brand chewing gum. You keep chewing on it and chewing on it, but you can't spit it out. And eventually it loses its flavor. Then you're just chewing on some tasteless rubbery object - but you don't care, you just keep on chewing. You're doing other things, so it sort of slips your mind that you're permanently damaging your jaw. And then eventually you bite your tongue and get a big sore, and it hurts a lot. But you keep chewing. And chewing, and chewing, and fucking chewing! And you want to spit it out so bad, but you can't find a trash can and you have no paper to wrap it in. You don't want to throw it on the floor because someone will step on it, and that would suck. It fuckin' drives you crazy! I mean, you could it put it in your hands and roll it up into a ball, but eventually you just stick it back in your mouth, so it doesn't matter, it just prolongs the agony! That's what Lolita's doing to me! I can't get fucking rid of her! (Lights go up on table.) See, there she is. Sitting over there with Bob. (Arthur walks over to the table.) Acting like nothing's wrong. Look at that smile on her face. She's directing it at Bob. She's thinking, 'Boy that Bob's a babe, can't wait till these clowns leave so I can FUCK him!' (Arthur goes over to the frozen Bob.) And Bob's thinking, (he starts playing with Bob's arms, putting them in awkward positions. Speaking in a mock Bob voice.) 'I'm an idiot, that's why girls love me.' (he runs back over to Lolita now, getting into the game.) And Lolita's thinking, 'Oh Bob, you're so cute.' (he runs back to Bob.) And then Bob says, 'I'm crazy for ya toots.' (back to Lolita) 'Oh Bob, you're my fuzzy superman, you can do anything.' (back to Bob) 'That's right babe, I'm all man.' And then Arthur says, 'FUCK YOU BOTH!' (Arthur sits down.) (to Lolita) Hello Miss Parker, queen of the smug look. I love you. LOLITA: (she snaps out of her frozen state.) Come on Arthur, you can't mean that. ARTHUR: What the hell. You're supposed to be frozen. How much of that did you hear? LOLITA: Not much. Just the 'you're so cute,' 'I'm crazy for ya toots,' and something about a fuzzy superman. ARTHUR: Is that it? LOLITA: Oh, and the 'I love you' part. ARTHUR: Ah man, I'm so embarrassed. LOLITA: No, don't be. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been listening. Look, maybe this dinner was a bad idea. ARTHUR: Maybe? LOLITA: I just thought it would make things easier for you. ARTHUR: What! What did you think was going to be easier! LOLITA: Well, you know. ARTHUR: Yes, but tell me anyway. LOLITA: I just thought it would be a good place to tell you. ARTHUR: What, tell me what? LOLITA: Um...that I'm seeing someone else. ARTHUR: (sarcastic) No. You can't be serious. What could his name be? LOLITA: Bob. ARTHUR: (silent. He sits.) How long has this been going on? LOLITA: Not long. ARTHUR: Before we broke up? LOLITA: No. ARTHUR: Bullshit! We've been broken up for a month. LOLITA: Two. ARTHUR: Whatever! You sure don't waste any time, do you? LOLITA: Arthur, it's not like that. ARTHUR: I'm sure I've got it all wrong, excuse me. Y'know, I've known ever since I walked in here. LOLITA: Why didn't you say anything? ARTHUR: I was just waiting for you to tell me. (pause) Is it good, I mean, are you happy? LOLITA: Look Arthur, it's not like we were ever going to get back together. ARTHUR: No shit. But I love you, I just can't turn that off. LOLITA: I love you too... ARTHUR: Than why? Why can't it work? LOLITA: It just wasn't right anymore. ARTHUR: What wasn't right any more? LOLITA: Us. ARTHUR: Us can change... LOLITA: No it can't. ARTHUR: I just can't turn it off! LOLITA: Are you OK? ARTHUR: No, I'm not OK. I just humiliated myself in front of you, and it's just been confirmed that you're fucking a complete idiot. LOLITA: Why are you so crude? ARTHUR: Because the fact that you are sharing bodily fluids with this guy is crude! I don't know if you've noticed, but he's dumb. LOLITA: He's not dumb, you just don't understand him. ARTHUR: Oh forgive me. His intelligence is actually far superior to mine, and I'm just too dense to get him. LOLITA: Why are you being like this? ARTHUR: No, why are you being like this? Why this whole humiliating dinner? LOLITA: Believe it or not, I did it for you! This whole damn, fucked up thing, I did for you! I was trying to do something nice for you! I guess that was my first mistake! What are you complaining about? You had Mary Poppins here to protect you! ARTHUR: Well she's not much help, being frozen n' all! She didn't hear anything! KARA: (Kara wakes from being frozen) I'm afraid I did. ARTHUR: Oh Jesus. You too! What the hell is going on here? KARA: I was just listening. ARTHUR: What about him? (to Bob) Is he in on this thing too? LOLITA: No, he can't hear a thing. ARTHUR: How do you know? LOLITA: This is my house. ARTHUR: Damnit! You always do this to me. LOLITA: This is the first time people have been frozen in my house. ARTHUR: No, not that. You always make me do stupid things. And you're always in complete control. At least you can pretend you have emotions. LOLITA: Look Arthur, just because you sometimes loose control of your emotions, you can't blame me. ARTHUR: I'm not blaming you, I just think it's unhealthy. Before you get a chance to feel bad about something, you cover it up with some security blanket. BOB: (comes out of his trance) Is anyone cold? I'm cold. LOLITA: Yeah, it's a little cold, I'll turn down the air conditioning. (Lolita walks upstage and turns a knob.) ARTHUR: (whispering) Were you even bothered when we broke up? Did those two years mean anything to you? LOLITA: Yes. They meant a lot. You don't know how much I was affected by it. ARTHUR: No, I don't. That's what's so damn frustrating. BOB: What's going on here? What did I miss? ARTHUR: Nothing! LOLITA: I told Arthur about us. BOB: Good. KARA: (crosses to Arthur) Are you OK? ARTHUR: No, I'm not OK. This is humiliating. Lolita, you've gone too far! What did you want from this evening? What were you thinking when you invited me here? Or was this just another malicious attempt to humiliate me? KARA: Arthur, let me take you home. ARTHUR: Yeah, I think that's a good idea. LOLITA: So that's it? You're just going to leave like that? You're just going to walk out of here and out of my life? Damnit Arthur! I did this because I care about you! ARTHUR: You care about me? Bullshit! LOLITA: Fuck you! ARTHUR: Why don't you fuck Bob, he's better looking! LOLITA: Fuck you! ARTHUR: Why don't you try being alone for awhile and see how it feels? Maybe it would do you some good! LOLITA: Fuck you! ARTHUR: Fuck you! LOLITA: Fuck you! ARTHUR and LOLITA: Fuck you! (they both storm from center stage and move towards the couches. They each go to the other person's couch and lay down.) (the following dialogue is simultaneous. Arthur and Lolita are screaming at the same time.) ARTHUR: I put myself out to make this thing comfortable for him, and look what he does. I didn't have to plan this whole thing. I didn't have to tell him at all. He could have found out about us by seeing us kissing on the street. I'm the good one here, not him! He's jealous of me. He shouldn't be. I'm not in love. He just wants to be the victim. He wants to feel sorry for himself because its hard living in this city by yourself. He doesn't know me! He's sad and pathetic. He'll never grow up. Why was I in love with him? LOLITA: This seems cruel. She's scared to death of being alone. She'll even resort to fucking Bob so she doesn't have to deal with her life. Why is she so cold? Never so much as shed a tear when she dumped me. She must have enjoyed it more than sex. She's power hungry. Every chance she gets she works me like a machine so I do what she wants, and then she gets off on it. Every excuse to feel powerful over my emotions she takes. It's a security blanket to her to have me under her control. Why was I in love with her? (They both realize that they are in the wrong couches as they hear each other spout the last line of their monologues.) ARTHUR and LOLITA: Damnit, this isn't my neurosis. (They get up and cross through downstage center. As they pass each other they stop and glance. Then they continue towards their proper couches. Kara and Bob watch them as they go through the process. Lights are dim on both Lolita and Arthur. As they get to their couches they each let out a sigh of relief. At this point, the lights are on the center stage table. Bob and Kara are startled.) KARA: You need to tell Lolita how you feel. BOB: Now? I can't. She's too busy getting upset over Arthur. KARA: You gotta do it anyway. BOB: I can't. KARA: She has to know how you feel. BOB: What's the big deal about Arthur? KARA: I don't know. He's appealing. BOB: And I'm not? KARA: I didn't say that. BOB: So I am? KARA: I'm sure to lots of people, yeah. BOB: And to you? KARA: Bob. You're in love with Lolita, remember? BOB: But you said I was appealing to lots of people. What's her problem? KARA: I don't know Bob. Maybe you should ask her. BOB: If she loves me? KARA: Yeah. BOB: Would you do it? KARA: No. BOB: Just walk up to her and ask her? KARA: Exactly. BOB: What if she says no? KARA: You'll never know unless you ask. Just keep the communication open and honest. BOB: I can do that. (Bob gets up from the table and goes to Lolita's couch. He picks up a rose that is on the floor.) BOB: Here ya go babe. LOLITA: Thanks Bob. (She sets the rose on the couch.) BOB: What's up? LOLITA: Nothing much. BOB: Having a good night? LOLITA: No. Not really. BOB: Why? LOLITA: Uh...thanks for asking Bob. But I'm not feeling much like talking. BOB: Oh. Should I leave you alone? (pause. Lolita gets up from the couch and grabs Bob into her arms and kisses him passionately.) LOLITA: Let's do it. Right here. BOB: (He begins to kiss her and then pulls away.) Wait Lolita. Can't we talk? LOLITA: Why? Talk is so boring. (she continues to kiss him.) BOB: I'd really like to talk. LOLITA: Oh come on. (She grabs his butt.) BOB: Damnit Lolita! You always do this to me. LOLITA: What? BOB: This! You never talk to me. All you want from me is sex. Did you ever talk to Arthur? He definitely wasn't around just for sex. LOLITA: What's this all about? Why all of a sudden to you need to talk? BOB: It's not all of a sudden, I've been feeling this way for awhile now. LOLITA: Great. Fine, let's talk. What do you want to talk about? BOB: I don't know. I just thought that maybe we could talk about how your evening is going. LOLITA: Great. My evening is progressing wonderfully. OK? (She grabs him again and begins to kiss him.) BOB: Christ Lolita! Just stop for a second! I want to talk to you! LOLITA: Bob, I'm really not in the mood. I've got a headache. BOB: You know what? I don't care. Now I have some things I want to say to you, and I want you to listen to me. LOLITA: Fine. BOB: This whole thing with Arthur is really starting to get on my nerves. You're my girl now. I don't like it when you're obsessed with another man. LOLITA: First of all, I'm not your girl...and second of all, I'm not obsessed with Arthur. BOB: What do yo mean you're not my girl? Haven't we been dating? LOLITA: I don't appreciate you calling me your girl. Nobody owns me. Not you, not Arthur, nobody! BOB: Well it sure looks like Arthur does. LOLITA: Looks can be deceiving. BOB: Do you still want him? LOLITA: No. No. I don't want him. BOB: Do you want me? LOLITA: Yes..Bob I want you. BOB: Do you love me? LOLITA: (pause) I want you. BOB: Yes, but do you love me? LOLITA: Bob... BOB: Because I love you. LOLITA: We've only been seeing each other for a couple of months. BOB: I know, I love you. LOLITA: Why are you telling me this now. BOB: Because I think you ought to know. Because I've been wanting to say it. Because it's true. LOLITA: Great. I can't deal with this right now. BOB: What do you mean you can't deal with this. You never talk to me. What do you feel about me? LOLITA: I don't know. BOB: You don't know? What? Is something wrong with me? LOLITA: No. BOB: Do you still love Arthur? LOLITA: No. BOB: What is it then? LOLITA: It's nothing Bob. Can we talk about this later? BOB: (Bob grabs Lolita) I think we should talk about this now. LOLITA: (pulling away) I don't want to talk about this now! BOB: Don't walk away! LOLITA: Don't tell me what to do! BOB: If you walk away, just forget it. (Lolita pauses for a second, and then walks off stage into the kitchen. The lights dim on Bob, but he is still visible. He sits on Lolita's couch, distraught. Lights come up on Arthur, sitting on his couch.) ARTHUR: I've been thinking. Lately I've been wrong about a lot of things. I think I'm in love when I'm not, I think I'm happy when I'm not, I think I'm attractive when I'm not. I'm not...I'm not...I'm not any of those things. I never have been, and I never will be. Maybe I'm nothing. After all, there are too many people in the world to be anything but nothing. And when you think you're something, you're trying way to hard. I'm an artist, I'm an actor, I'm a musician...bullshit, you're all fucking nothing! Like me, you're all like me...I'm just smarter than you. I'm certainly smarter than Bob. A man who is definitely the sum of his words. A fucking bafoon! Where does he get off? Where do I get off caring so much. Where do I get off still being in love with someone who doesn't love me anymore. Someone who said to me - Arthur, I do not love you anymore. I didn't believe it. Lolita, you've got to! How can two people know each other so well and not be in love. How can you look at me with tears in your eyes and say you'd rather be alone. Being alone sucks. It goes against human nature. I've tried it and it doesn't work. If you think it works, you're wrong. We're all desperately searching for someone to bond with. Someone to feel close to for at least a brief moment. But even when we're with someone, it's not like all of a sudden we're not alone anymore. We're always alone. We're just alone, with someone else. Like me, or Bob. It guess it really doesn't matter to you. (lights slowly fade on Bob) I look around LA, and everyone is so lost. Everyone is so miserable in their glitter and sparkles and high society name dropping. They all want to create this illusion of contentment and security, but I know, we know, that it's all crap. They think if they get laid it won't be so bad. God they're wrong, they're so wrong. Sex creates an illusion, a suspended disbelief - that's all! It's almost worse, because it teases you. Sex feels like it's the closest you're going to get to not being by yourself. That's why people do it. That's what our hormones are for. Our hormones are protecting us from reality. Lust keeps us sane. Lust makes the world go round. There's a history of the world based on lust. This just in, Hitler was a lonely, isolated individual. I read somewhere that Hitler never had sex in his entire life. He was bitten by a goat at a young age after betting his friends that he could piss in its mouth, and was rendered impotent. The man never had the illusion of not being alone. At least I have that. I have that illusion - that abstraction. I can just sit here, and chew on my gum, and forget about all of this! Damnit Lolita! I want so bad to be mad at you and all I can feel is sadness. All I can feel is sorry for myself. All I can feel is you pressed up against me. All I can feel is us. (Lolita walks on stage) So that's it? We were so wonderful once. (He kisses her.) When you gave me my walking papers, you destroyed all my illusions. (Lolita hands him the papers.) You left me with reality. (He signs the paper and returns it to her. She tears off a copy and gives him one. She exits. Arthur sits on his couch and rabidly puts chewing gum in his mouth. He sits there for a few beats and lavishes in the gum. He then gets up and walks back to center stage. Lights go down on Arthur's couch and up on center stage.) KARA: (Getting her things together.) We should go know. ARTHUR: Yeah. That's a good idea. KARA: Did you get what you wanted from this evening? ARTHUR: Yeah, I got exactly what I wanted. KARA: Are things worked out between you and Lolita? ARTHUR: Yeah, they're perfect. (They turn towards the door when Arthur takes the gum out of his mouth and wraps it in the reality papers that Lolita handed him, and then sets it on the table. They both exit and then Arthur runs back in and places the pack of gum on the table and runs out. Bob, who is still sitting on Lolita's couch in the dark, gets up and walks over to center stage. He sees the pack of gum laying on the table and grabs it. He proceeds to shove about three pieces into his mouth. He stands there for a brief moment chewing the gum, gaining some cathartic pleasure out of each bite. After a few beats he walks over to Arthur's couch. The lights go down on center stage and up on Arthur's couch.) BOB: (Looking out into the audience.) Hi. My name's Bob. (The lights increase in brightness.) What? (Blackout.)