Oklahoma Dreamin' by John M. Conley Copyright 1998 CAST OF CHARACTERS Tom Freeman: Tom is a 32 year old married man and owner of Freeman's Septic Service. Tom is very business-minded and absorbed in his work. (no pun intended)He inherited his deceased father's enterprise after graduating high school and continually looks for ways to enhance the business. Tom is a devoted husband and, although he and his wife Pamela have been married for 10 years, they have no children. Tom is friendly and kind, though he doesn't have alot of friends. He and Willard are aquaintances from the same class in high school and currently next-door neighbors, but they ran with different crowds and, for lack of opportunity, have never become very close. Willard Mason: Willard, also 32, graduated high school and, after a two year stint in the Army, went to work at Benny's Tube & Lube before beginning his current employment at the local saw mill. Willard has been married for only seven months to Suzy Mason. They met at a VFW dance in Tulsa. Willard is mildly introverted and generally soft spoken.If nothing else Willard, like Tom, is always on the lookout for ways to make extra money and has tried several different moonlighting schemes, though he never seems to be able to follow through with anything. Suzy Mason: Suzy, Willard's wife, is 29 years old. She is very self-conscious, if not self-centered, and dresses for almost any event in a gaudy blouse, slacks, heels,and lots of costume jewelry. Suzy wears horned rim glasses, has a beehive hairdo, wears lots of eye shadow and make-up (although not as bad as Tammy Faye, i.e.) and chews gum fanatically while she habitually files her nails. She attempted a career in music after graduating high school with her mother as manager, but, for the moment, has settled for being a manicurist at Bertha's Bigtop Beauty Barn. She has a dream of having her own three chair beauty salon one day. Her parents divorced when she was young and her stepfather, although not abusive, was a poor substitute as a father. Pamela Freeman: Pamela is 26 and a church secretary. She is generally quiet-natured and a very devoted wife to her husband, Tom. She longs for children, but never brings the subject up because Tom periodically makes comments about not being able to afford children. Pamela graduated high school in a different town from the others and is the least ambitious of the group. She had a normal and happy childhood and both parents are still living. Maude Oakley: Maude is Willard's aunt. She has lived alone for several years since her husband ran off to Texas (or so she says). Maude lives on her 80 acres with many wild creatures in and around her ramshackle house to keep her company. She is crude, gruff and wears an eye patch while on her land and puts her glass eye in when she goes to town. She wears camoflauge, boots, chews tobacco, and drinks whiskey. She keeps to herself which, of course, invites wild rumors about herself and her past. ACT I Scene 1 SCENE: The scene is a campsite by a pond in the late afternoon on Saturday, in Hayfield, Oklahoma. AT RISE: Tom and Willard are at campsite. Tom is sitting on a small camp chair (DS, right) with a fishing pole and looking through his tackle box while Willard is at SL end of tent fussing while setting it up upstage center. (outdoor sound effects...then fade) WILLARD (frustrated) Hey, Tom. You got the instructions to this tent? TOM 'fraid not. What's wrong, Willard? (swats at mosquito) WILLARD Well, I've been stickin' the blue color-coded extension tubes in the blue crossbar and the orange-coded braces in the orange standup tubes and I think I'm done, but I'm endin' up with one orange extension tube and a green crossbar with a piece of cord on the end. TOM Well, will the tent stand up like it is? WILLARD (gently shakes it) Yeah, I think so. TOM Then throw what's left back in the box and we'll act like we don't need 'em. WILLARD (throwing the pieces in the box) That's all I needed to hear. (as Willard walks toward his seat he trips over large log lying to left and DS from tent) WILLARD (cont'd) Dang! That's about the umpteenth time I'm tripped over this stupid log! That's it! (motioning to Tom) Come on, Tom, let's get this thing outta here. TOM Oh, all right. (reluctantly gets up and bends over to grab the right end of log) WILLARD Grab 'hold. (Tom grabs other end) WILLARD (cont'd) Ready...on three. One, two, ttttthhhrrrreeeee! (both men show great exertion as they try and lift the log, but it doesn't budge) WILLARD One more time...come on, we gotta get it outta here. Ready...on three. One, two, ttttthhhrrrreeeee! (again, the tree doesn't budge) TOM Good gosh! This thing's gotta be filled with lead! WILLARD Yeah, I guess it's here to stay, that's for sure. (swats at mosquito on neck) (Tom makes his way back to his chair, Willard continues standing at end of log looking frustrated) TOM Next time I'm out here I'll bring my truck and a chain. It might be heavy, but it ain't here to stay. Come on...let's get in a little fishin' before we build the campfire. Bait your hook with some of that stinkbait over there and take a load off. WILLARD Sounds good to me. (beat) Hmmm...Never used stinkbait before. (Willard bends over, looks into the stink bait container sitting on the table, looks closer and then recoils momentarily holding his nose and waving his hand as if trying to rid himself of the awful smell) WILLARD (cont'd) I think I'll just put a worm on my hook for now. Might use some of this stuff later. TOM Suit yourself. (Willard picks up his fishing pole, unfolds a camping chair,and sits DS left, a few feet from Tom, baits his hook and anchors the fishing pole in the 'ground'. He wipes his hands, rises and grabs a cookie on the table, sits back down) WILLARD Yeah, I think I'm ready to just throw a line in the water and put my mind in neutral. Won't bother me if the fish ain't even bitin'. (beat; his mind goes back to the stink bait) WILLARD (cont'd) What d'ya suppose they make that stinkbait with? TOM Don't rightly know. Prob'ly the blood and guts of most any critter they can find. (Willard starts to take a bite of his cookie, but as he opens his mouth he freezes momentarily at the 'blood and guts' part of what Tom says, but then goes ahead and takes a bite) WILLARD Heck fire, ya don't need a line and a hook. Ya just throw a big handful of that crap it in the pond. Then, when the fish start floatin' to the top, ya just go out and gather 'em up in a net. TOM (chuckles at Willard's remark) I can tell ya the catfish sure like it. WILLARD Well, I've caught my share 'o catfish, but I've always had good luck usin' liver, worms, crawdads, things like that. Want a pop? (rises to go to ice chest) TOM Yeah, thanks. WILLARD Biggest fish I ever caught was a catfish out 'o this pond. TOM Really? How big? WILLARD Five and three quarter pounds. TOM No kiddin'! WILLARD Caught him just a few months ago. Heck, I's so proud I had him mounted. TOM Really? Huh. (beat) Don't think I've ever heard of anybody mountin' a catfish. (swats mosquito) Man, these mosquitos are bad! WILLARD (hands Tom can of pop and sits down again) Here ya go. TOM Thanks, Willard. WILLARD Well, I just mounted the head. Wasn't 'bout to let those catfish steaks go to waste. TOM I don't blame ya. WILLARD Yeah, me and Suzy pretty well took care of that big boy in one sittin'. Really good eatin'. TOM Hmmm. Ya know, I've been to your house a coupla times lately and I don't remember seein' it hangin' on your wall anywhere. WILLARD Never had a chance to put it up. Shoot, before ya could say 'spit', Willa Mae over at the diner bought it from me. TOM No kiddin'. WILLARD Yeah. Sixteen bucks. TOM Sounds like ya got a pretty good price. How'd ya end up sellin' it to Willa Mae? WILLARD I was in there one day braggin' it up, ya know, 'bout how I caught it and had the head mounted. Shoot, she bought it from me sight unseen! Said she wanted it for the diner. TOM Well, I'll be... WILLARD Yeah. At first I didn't want to let it go. Shoot, it cost me more than sixteen bucks to have it mounted! But, I got to thinkin' 'bout it and decided that a prize catch like that really oughtta be shared with the world, so I let her have it. Besides, at the time I felt good knowin' that folks 'round these parts'd be sittin' there for generations to come eatin' their lunch and lookin' up at it, you know...passin' on the legend as to how I caught it. (his pleasant reflection turns to anger) I was pretty dang mad when I saw what Willa Mae did with the durn thing! TOM What do ya mean? (bends over, picks up branch, takes his pocket knife out and begins to whittle) WILLARD Ya wouldn't believe it, Tom. Well, what happened was...I told the boys at the saw mill about how she was gonna hang it up at the diner and I talked 'em into havin' lunch with me there that next day. They'd been wantin' to see it for a long time. TOM Did they all go with ya? WILLARD Oh, yeah! Even Mr. Hanson! They seemed to be about as excited as I was. Anyway, we walked in and looked all 'round the walls thinkin' it'd be in a prom'nent place, prob'ly right behind the cash reg'ster, ya know? TOM Where was it? WILLARD Well, it was up by the reg'ster all right. I couldn't believe it! There it was...the head of my prize catch sittin' flat on the counter and lookin' straight up at the ceilin' (pointing up to the sky)...with about a dozen ball point pens stickin' out of its mouth. TOM Wait a minute. Ya mean, that's your fish? (gesturing with his stick) WILLARD That's him. (nodding) TOM I've seen that. Pam and I wondered where Willa Mae got that. WILLARD Well, now ya know. TOM Huh. (beat) Have you seen it lately? WILLARD Naw. Guys from work laughed so hard it's gonna be a while before I can go back in there. Heck, they're still makin' jokes! TOM Well, then, let me prepare ya for when ya do go back in. WILLARD What? Did Willa Mae put a little hat on him? TOM No. Worse. She took the eyeballs out, drilled holes where the sockets used to be, and now your 'prize catch' is a combination ballpoint pen and toothpick holder. WILLARD That's what the guys at the mill said, but, heck, I thought they were just ribbin' me. (suddenly angry) Dang that Willa Mae! (at this point Willard jumps up and uses his 'angry energy' to gather the rocks around the campsite and begin placing them in a circle between the chairs for a campfire) WILLARD (cont'd) I don't understand how she can deface somethin' so beautiful! I wonder how she'd like it if I strolled in there and drilled a coupla holes in that Conway Twitty poster she's got hangin' up...or squirted mustard on that autographed picture of Ben Johnson?! TOM Oh, come on now,Willard. You know Willa Mae. She's the same as she was in high school. She doesn't mean any harm. I suppose she thinks that catfish head on her counter somehow enhances the ambiance of the place. WILLARD The what? TOM She thinks it'll bring her more business. WILLARD More business?! Shoot fire, she's got all the business she's ever gonna get! What's she think...that folks are gonna travel all the way to Hayfield from Tulsa just to eat in her run-down little diner? She's got more grease in that place than Benny's Tube and Lube, for heaven's sake! TOM If it makes ya feel any better, Pam says she'll never order the grilled catfish as long as that head sits on the counter. (Willard is finishing placing rocks in a circle and placing a few sticks of wood in it when Tom makes his request...) TOM (cont'd) Would you throw me one of those beef jerkeys? WILLARD (Willard tosses Tom a beef jerkey, finishes constructing the campfire, and returns to his seat) I guess it's not that big a deal. At least she didn't get desperate and serve him up to somebody... (beat) TOM Yeah...at least not yet. (looking around nervously) TOM (cont'd) Ya don't think that Aunt of yours is gonna show up do ya? WILLARD Maude? Naw. I doubt it. When I called her and asked if we could camp here she said 'yeah' and that if we needed anything we were welcome to walk down to her house. Didn't sound to me like she was expectin' to see us. (beat) TOM She's really strange, ya know it? All those animals she keeps around...and that eye patch! (swatting a mosquito) WILLARD Yeah. (chuckle) The family joke is that she's a cross between Grizzly Adams and Captain Bly. TOM One thing's for sure, no one's gonna mistake her for Ellie Mae. I saw her at the Army Surplus yesterday buyin' some shotgun shells and this big knife (demonstrating the length of it with his index fingers). You know, I don't think she had her eye patch on...but, then again, I'm not sure. I's too scared to look her square in the face. WILLARD (another chuckle at Tom's anxiety) She prob'ly had her eye in. She puts it in when she goes to town. Hey, if ya ever do look her square in the face when she's not wearin' that eye patch...look real close. TOM Why? WILLARD Instead of a pupil in the center of her glass eye...(dramatic pause and a lowered voice)...she has a skull and crossbones. TOM I don't believe that. You're jokin'... aren't ya? WILLARD Heck, no! Look for yourself. (beat while Tom shakes his head and ponders this woman) TOM Yeah, I can't wait. (beat) Boy, she sure can chew that tobacco! WILLARD She likes her Redman! TOM When she was gettin' out of her jeep at the Surplus I watched her wrestle that tobacco chaw outta her mouth and toss it in the street! (beat as he pictures that sight in his mind) As God is my witness, that thing looked like a big brown, baseball lyin' there! (Willard laughs) TOM (cont'd) Did you see it this mornin' when we drove by?! Heck, it was still there...flys buzzin' all 'round. Shoot, people weren't drivin' over it, they were drivin' 'round it. WILLARD She's chewed tobacco and drunk whiskey for years, ever since Uncle Clyde left. TOM What's the story there? Why'd your Uncle leave? (Willard doesn't speak, but looks at Tom with a look that suggests that the answer should be obvious) TOM (cont'd) Okay. Never mind. WILLARD Maude was becomin' more of a man than Clyde was. TOM Well, ya know the rumor, don't ya? WILLARD (with a chuckle) Yeah. I've heard 'em all. Where did you hear any stories about Aunt Maude? TOM I heard this story from my nephew...well, at least the story circulatin' around the high school. WILLARD Come on, let's have it. Give me the scoop. TOM Well, the story goes your Aunt got tired of Clyde and killed him. Rumor has it that she shot him, cut his head off, hollowed it out and made a candle holder out of it. (Tom doesn't laugh because he's not sure these things aren't true) WILLARD (with a laugh) Oh, yeah? Really? TOM Yeah. It's supposed to be sittin' on her coffee table right now. (glances in the direction of her house, straight ahead) WILLARD (teasing) Well, ya know, sometimes the electricity goes off out here and she prob'ly has to do her night work by candlelight. TOM The story is she used the brain for fish bait and took the rest of his body, ground it up and fed it to her animals. WILLARD With the price of dog food these days, what do ya expect!? (Tom chuckles nervously) (beat) TOM Ya don't think there's any chance it happened that way do ya? I mean, seriously? WILLARD In this day and time I s'pose anything's possible. But I bet it'd be hard to convince my mom of that since she gets a Christmas card from Clyde and his family every year. TOM Oh, really? Is that a fact? (a hint of relief in his voice) WILLARD Yeah. He lives in San Antonio. Clyde married again and owns a cattle auction company or somethin' like that. TOM So, Clyde is your mother's brother? WILLARD Naw. Clyde just became a real good friend of the family while he and Maude were together. I remember he'd bring me out here fishin' when I was little. TOM Is that right? WILLARD Yeah. Dad never seemed to have the time...always too busy. Then, when he died, Clyde kinda took his place. Took me to my baseball practices...things like that. TOM So, Maude is your mother's sister? WILLARD Yeah. TOM My gosh. I never knew that. They're nothin' alike and I never see 'em together. WILLARD And you won't. Oh, they ain't mad at each other or nothin' like that...they just ain't got nothin' in common. Actually, mom thinks Maude lost her mind when Clyde left. TOM Do you think she's crazy? WILLARD Naw, not really. When Clyde left I guess somethin' just finally came outta the closet. TOM (with a laugh) Yeah...I guess so! Dang! Musta been a walk-in closet! (beat) TOM (cont'd) I wonder how rumors like that get started? WILLARD Well, when you're a woman who lives alone, wears an eye patch, chews tobacco, and drinks whiskey, stories are bound to get started. TOM S'pose so. (beat as he shifts his attention) Well, anyway, I hope the fish are bitin'. I haven't been fishin' in a long time and I want to make the best of it when I do go. WILLARD Yeah, me, too. (beat) Hey, Tom...I really do appreciate ya comin' campin' with me like this. I know how important your business is to ya. With the problems me and Suzy are havin', I just had to get away and do somethin' and I really didn't wanna be alone. TOM Hey, no problem. I've been needin' to take a break from the grind anyway. WILLARD How is the septic tank cleanin' business these days? TOM Aw, it can always be better. But, like I always say...puttin' up with crap all day is my business. (they both chuckle) I don't give a crap...I take it! (continued laughter) I got a million of 'em. WILLARD Did ya always know that cleanin' septic tanks was what ya wanted to do? TOM (with a shrug) Guess I never really thought about it, Willard. I used to ride around with dad when he went out on calls and listen to him when he'd talk to mom about the business. WILLARD Yeah, I remember seein' ya in the truck with him. TOM When I got a little older he sat me down and showed me the books and how ya could really make a decent livin'. To tell the truth, I guess I never considered I'd be doin' anything else. WILLARD From what I can tell, it looks like ya've done pretty well with it. TOM I can't complain, but I could always stand a little more business. (beat) TOM (cont'd) I'm really sorry about you and Suzy, Willard. Are ya sure you guys can't work somethin' out? Being married only seven months isn't hardly givin' your marriage a chance. (at this point Willard stands and begins to walk stage left along the bank of the pond, picking up small stones, kicking sticks, etc. as he begins to speak) WILLARD Yeah, I know it seems that way. But, we talked it over loudly and agreed that divorce was prob'ly the only way to go. At least we finally saw eye to eye on somethin'. Man, did we have a fight! TOM A big 'un, huh? WILLARD She hauled off and chunked her curlin' iron at me. TOM Really? (sounding surprised) WILLARD Yeah. Barely missed my head and ended up rippin' a big hole in her velvet Elvis. Tore his lips plum off! TOM What's the main problem, Willard? If ya don't mind me askin'. WILLARD You kiddin'?! The lips was her favorite part of the picture. TOM No, no. The problem between you and Suzy. WILLARD Oh. Well, she wants to move to Tulsa and open up her own beauty shop. Guess she just can't resist the bright lights. TOM Isn't that what she does now? Isn't she a hairdresser? WILLARD Naw. She's a manicurist at Bertha's Bigtop Beauty Barn, but she ain't very happy workin' there. She says when you've seen one nail you've seen 'em all. TOM Well, she's probably got a point there. WILLARD She took a correspondence course to be a beautician, but Bertha says that before she'll give Suzy her own chair she needs to get some real experience. Suzy's bound and determined she can learn on the job and doesn't wanna wait for a chair to open up. I guess the draw of the big city's just clouded her mind. TOM Well, maybe it's just one 'o those things that'll pass. WILLARD Not likely. Least wise not as long as that mother 'o hers has anything ta say 'bout it. TOM Uh oh. Mother-in-law problems, huh? (Willard sits back in his chair) WILLARD Yeah. She doesn't think I'm good enough for Suzy. Thinks I'm holdin' 'er back. TOM Well, I learned one thing with Pam's mom and you'll eventually learn it, too...you might as well do your best to get along with 'er. WILLARD Oh, I actually kinda like the old dried up bag 'o bones. TOM (chuckle) Yeah, sounds like it. WILLARD Naw, really. She's 'bout as weird as they come, but I've seen worse. TOM Weird? How? WILLARD She has this telescope and watches the sky every night...says that one day pretty soon this giant asteroid's gonna hit the earth and kill us all. TOM Seriously? WILLARD Yeah. Think she's seen one too many movies. Heck, she even wrote NASA and told 'em that she'd sign over the rest of her social security checks to take her up in the space shuttle. TOM You're kiddin'! WILLARD Naw, I'm not. (chuckle) She figured once that asteroid hit her checks were gonna stop anyway. TOM Did she hear back from NASA? WILLARD Oh, yeah...some kinda letter tellin' 'er that they can't allow civilians to travel in space without formal trainin'. TOM I take it that didn't stop 'er... WILLARD You take it right. She's prob'ly trainin' at her house right now as we speak...She even said somethin' 'bout tryin' ta be a stowaway. TOM Sounds like she's pretty obsessed with this thing. WILLARD I told her that, for my part, if there was anything in this world I could do ta help launch her into outer space, just give me a call. (They both laugh) (beat) TOM Well, I'm sure things'll eventually work out between you and Suzy. What does she say about you havin' to quit your job at the sawmill if ya do move to Tulsa? WILLARD Well, she thinks I could just go back to mechanicin'. It's her idea that I can just go struttin' into Fred Jones Ford or somewhere and stake a claim to a mechanic's bay. Yeah...fat chance. (beat) Actually, bein' a mechanic's what I've always wanted. TOM Well, how 'bout it? Can't ya still do it? WILLARD Oh...maybe I coulda at one time, but cars are different today, Tom. I'd need alot of trainin' to catch up on everything. TOM Ya know, Willard, I plum lost track 'o you after high school. Didn't you join the military or somethin' for awhile? WILLARD Yeah...the Army. Stationed at Fort Sill. TOM What'd ya do in the Army? WILLARD Worked at the PX...sold magazines and junk...you know. TOM Oh... (beat) WILLARD Pretty important stuff, really. And the PX was close enough to the rifle range that, believe me, it could get pretty darn dangerous. Back in the summer 'o '82 a bullet whizzed right through the window and cut a hole clean through a can 'o jock itch powder. TOM Really? WILLARD That's what they say. (beat) The cost 'o freedom don't come cheap, Tom...But, I really don't like ta talk 'bout it. TOM Oh...okay. Well, heck, Willard, isn't there anything else you can do? Isn't there somethin' else ya have an interest in? WILLARD I dunno...Bought a mail order course on taxidermy a while back. Didn't think that sounded too hard and I figured it'd be fun. Best part was I could make a little extra money on the side. TOM Oh, yeah? Did ya do it? WILLARD I was gonna. After sellin' that catfish head to Willa Mae and thinkin' about what she did with it, I had the idea that maybe I could catch a few catfish on the weekends, mount their heads myself and go around the county sellin' 'em to diners, restaurants, and maybe even motels, ya know, to sit on their check-in counters. TOM (nodding his approval) Hmmm. Not a bad idea. WILLARD (as Willard related his 'plan' his excitement gradually grows as he re-lives this aborted 'dream') Yeah. You see, the way I figured it all I'd have to do is buy me a good heavy-duty Zebco and I'd be in business. (scoots to the edge of his chair) I already had the fishin' license and I was pretty sure I had enough tackle to swing it. And Merle down at the bait shop said he'd give me a deal if I bought a few dozen worms at a time so, heck, I sat down one evenin' and put a pencil to it and figured I'd only have to sell five heads at fifteen bucks a piece to get my investment back. Shoot, the rest'd be gravy! (Willard, proud of his business acumen, settles back in his chair with his hands locked behind his head) TOM Sounds like ya had it all figured out. WILLARD I's gonna call 'em "Willard's Pick & Pen". I even dug around and found my old engravin' tool. TOM Oh, yeah? WILLARD I knew that was gonna come in handy someday. Heck, I only used it once or twice. TOM Why'd you ever buy an engraving tool? WILLARD Well, a while back I had an idea to start up a business...you know, markin' tools and engravin' things like trophies and jewelry...stuff like that. TOM Oh. (pause) Never got off the ground, huh? WILLARD Naw. Seems like everybody 'spects ya to be a perfect speller. (beat) Anyway, (his excitement returns) I figured I could personalize each one of my 'Pick and Pens', you know, by engravin' the name of the business and maybe their company slogan. TOM Good idea! WILLARD (becoming more excited he stands and takes a few steps SL) And get this...This is the real beauty of it. All the while I'm knockin' down serious bucks sellin' "Willard's Pick & Pens" all over the county, I'd be packin' 'way slabs of catfish in my freezer to sell to Willa Mae's Diner...at a premium! The idea was perfect...couldn't miss! I'd be gettin' me some poetic justice on Willa Mae and me and Suzy'd be livin' on easy street at the same time! (Willard's tone has reached a fevered pitch) TOM Sounds great! (beat) Why didn't ya do it? WILLARD (matter-of-factly and with a shrug as he sits back down) I figured all that fishin'd prob'ly cut into my weekend naps. (beat as Tom gives Willard a strange look) WILLARD (cont'd) (defensively) Well, shoot, Tom, when I don't get my naps I have sinkin' spells. Suzy can tell ya...When that happens I ain't no good to no one...least-wise myself. TOM So, the taxidermy course was a waste of money? (swats at mosquito, stands and walks to table to retrieve bug spray; he returns to his chair and 'sprays' the air for mosquitos) WILLARD Naw, not completely. Almost got my investment back. Did ya ever know Myrtle Stumpp? TOM Old lady Stumpp? I know her boy, Rusty, a little. Works out at the sawmill with you, doesn't he? WILLARD Yeah. He's an endbender. TOM (tosses bug spray to Willard for him to use) An endbender? What's an endbender? WILLARD (sprays the air around him, rises and places spray back on table,returns to seat) The endbender works in our ammo box assembly line. When the ammo box lids come out of the nailin' machine and make their way to Rusty, he uses a hammer and bends the ends of the nails down. TOM Oh. (chuckle) One of them skilled positions, huh? WILLARD Kinda. Anyway, a few weeks after they put old lady Stumpp in the nursin' home her cat, Felix, died. She loved that cat like a child and Rusty said it liked'a killed her when she found out she couldn't take him to live with her at the home. She wouldn't hardly eat or mingle with the others. And, then, when she found out that Felix went to that big 'litterbox in the sky', well, I guess she really flipped out. TOM Mmmm...too bad. WILLARD Yeah. She was goin' down hill pretty fast. Well, when Rusty told me the cat died and how it affected his mama I told him 'bout my taxidermy kit. I said I could stuff the cat and he could take Felix to be with her at the home. TOM Hmmm. WILLARD I mean, he wouldn't be alive, sure, but she could still pet him. (with a shrug) Thought maybe it'd pick her spirits up, ya know, maybe add a few years to her life. TOM And a few bucks to your pocket? WILLARD My momma woulda called it 'killin' two birds with one stone'. Sure I'd charge for it, but look at the good it'd do at the same time. TOM What'd Rusty say? WILLARD Thought it was a great idea, 'specially with her birthday comin' up. He wanted to s'prise her with it. TOM (with an incredulous chuckle) Yeah, I'll bet it did that alright. How'd the cat turn out?? WILLARD Not bad. Actually, it was the first animal I ever stuffed. Well, the first one I stuffed for profit, anyway. Got in as much practice as I could on road kill and all, but, ya know, you're really limited to what ya can do there. TOM That'd be my guess. WILLARD Ya know...Actually, at the time I thought I had a pretty good idea with 'em. TOM With road kill? How's that? WILLARD Well, take my first project...I mounted this raccoon with his head stickin' out from underneath a truck tire. TOM You're jokin'. Really?! WILLARD Yeah. (chuckle) Had his eyes all bugged and his tongue stickin' out and everything....Then, I took what was left 'o this armadilla and mounted him 'cross the front grill I took off a '54 Oldsmobile... TOM Dang. Always thinkin', aren't ya? Where'd they end up? WILLARD Donated 'em to an auction they were havin' down at the American Legion. TOM Somebody actually bid on 'em? WILLARD Don't rightly know. I wasn't there. I remember at the time there seemed to be alot of confusion about what happened to 'em. The guy in charge 'o the auction said that with everything they had up for bid they musta just got misplaced. TOM They misplaced the grill to a '54 Oldsmobile?! WILLARD (with a chuckle) Yeah...Figure that one out. TOM (audible whisper) I think I already did... WILLARD Huh? TOM Never mind. So, what about the cat? WILLARD Oh, yeah...Well, I really took my time with him and thought I had it lookin' pretty good. The only real trouble I had was gettin' the eyeballs into the sockets. TOM Why's that? WILLARD For some reason the eye sockets were a little too small for the cat eyes that came in my kit. TOM Well, that's a ripoff! WILLARD Thought 'bout gluin' in a pair of possum eyes, but they were too small and, anyway, it looked kinda weird. (short pause as each visualizes what a cat with possum eyes would look like) TOM So, what'd ya do? WILLARD I went ahead and used the cat eyes I had, but I had to put the head in a vice and tap the eyeballs in with a mallet. Took me forever, but I finally got 'em to snap in. TOM How'd it end up lookin'? Did ya have the cat standin', sittin', what? WILLARD I asked Rusty 'bout that and he said he thought the pose his mother'd enjoy the most would be the position Felix was in when he'd rub up against her leg while she petted him, you know...head cocked, back arched, tail in the air, eyes closed. TOM That was a good idea. WILLARD Yeah. (chuckle) And I'm glad he wanted the eyes closed. When I finally did get those eyeballs snapped in, one was lookin' up and the other lookin' down. (chuckle) Should'a seen it. Looked like he was on the lookout for birds and snakes at the same time. Had to take a Polaroid of that...but don't tell anyone. I'll show it to ya one of these days. (swats at mosquito) (beat) WILLARD (cont'd) Anyway, Rusty figured that when old lady Stumpp was in her wheelchair he could just lean Felix up against her leg and she could scratch him behind the ears anytime she wanted. Shoot, he even made a little leather cinch the nurses could use to strap Felix to her leg when they wheeled her 'round the home (demonstrates using his leg) . TOM That was thoughtful. WILLARD Yeah, I thought so, too. Well, I's there when they were ready to s'prise her with it. It was her 89th birthday. They had 'er all propped up in her bed and smilin' when the whole family gathered 'round and sang Happy Birthday. Then, the moment of truth had arrived. Rusty brought Felix into the room, set him on the tray in front of old lady Stumpp and hollered real loud: "Felix says, 'Happy Birthday', mama!" Well, you know Rusty. He's awful excited and set Felix on the tray a little too hard. Talk about weird! The cat's eyelids started openin' real slow and the dadburned eyeballs popped out! TOM (laughing) You gotta be kiddin' me! WILLARD One of 'em hit old lady Stumpp right square betwitched the eyes and the other one went in 'er mouth. Died right there...let out a little scream and 'er heart just stopped cold...eyes wide open... (opens his eyes wide to demonstrate, then shakes his head) TOM Dang! Well, now that ya mention it, I remember readin' in the paper that she died of natural causes on her birthday. Guess that wasn't a coincidence after all. WILLARD I felt real bad. I knew I shoulda put a little glue in the holes before I hammered the eyeballs in, but I really figured they were there to stay. (beat) WILLARD (cont'd) Anyway, after we'd finished off the cake and ice cream I figured it was as good a time as any to ask the family if I could fish that eyeball out of 'er mouth. TOM What?! WILLARD Well, I knew it wouldn't be long before Harland'd be showin' up from the funeral home, ya know. I mean, I didn't wanna sound tacky or nothin', but, dang, those cat eyes are a buck-fifty a pop when ya don't buy 'em by the pair! (looking for some kind of approval from Tom, but Tom just looks at Willard with a disapproving smirk) WILLARD (cont'd) Well, shoot, Tom, I didn't wanna be left with just one eye. Heck fire, ya can't do anything with just one cat eye! TOM What'd they say? They didn't let ya...did they? WILLARD S'matter a fact, they said they understood and told me to go right on ahead. TOM Well, did ya get it? WILLARD Naw. Never did. Wasn't 'cause we didn't try, though. TOM What'd ya do? WILLARD Well, we used one 'o the candles and looked 'round in 'er mouth, but we couldn't see it. Then, we bent her over a little thinkin' it might come out. TOM Really? WILLARD Didn't work. Then we laid her over the bed and patted her back and shook her some, but that didn't work either. TOM No go, huh? WILLARD Naw. Finally we decided to give it one last try so we tilted her up by her ankles, ya know, kinda like a wheelbarrow? TOM Huh? WILLARD Thought it might roll out. TOM I take it that didn't work either? WILLARD Well, it might'a, but when her gown fell down and her wig come off we decided to call 'er quits . TOM I think that was the best thing to do. You can always buy an extra cat eye. WILLARD Yeah, I know, but the family wanted to bury Felix in the same casket with Mrs. Stumpp and orderin' another cat eye would'a taken time, so I just decided to go ahead and glue in the possum eyes. TOM How'd that work out? WILLARD Okay, I guess. Looked a little like he was possessed or somethin', but Harland said he'd turn Felix lookin' the other way durin' the funeral. TOM Did ya get paid for the cat? WILLARD Yeah, I got paid. But, I felt so bad considerin' everything that I gave Rusty a twenty-five per cent discount and knocked off the charge for that eyeball inside his mother. TOM You're all heart Willard. WILLARD Well, ya know, technically they were still in possession of it and I could'a justified the charge that way, but I figured doin' little things like that'd help my business down the road. TOM So. Did that end your career in taxidermy? WILLARD Still practicin' when I can. I just ain't had no business since Felix. TOM (shaking his head) Well, I gotta tell ya,Willard. That beats any story I've ever heard in my life. (beat) WILLARD Ya know, it would'a been nice all the way 'round if old lady Stumpp hadn't 'punched out' right when she did. TOM Now there's somethin' to put on a Hallmark card. WILLARD Naw, really. I was lookin' forward to Felix bein' wheeled 'round the nursin' home, 'specially on weekends. (Tom smirks and shakes his head) WILLARD (cont'd) Now, come on, Tom, you're a business man...You can't buy advertisement like that! And a coupla trips to the hospital wouldn't'a hurt none either, 'specially the emergency room...ya know all the people that mill 'round those places! Rusty was even gonna let me put a little business card holder on the wheelchair right by the cat. (beat) Why's it always seem those kind of things never work out? TOM Guess life's not always fair. But, hey, keep it up! It takes awhile for any business to get off the ground. Tell ya what...If I catch a whale tonight, it's yours! WILLARD Thanks, Tom. TOM So, do ya really think there's nothing you and Suzy can do to save your marriage? WILLARD If there is, I don't know what it is. TOM Ya love 'er, don't ya? WILLARD More than ever. (reflective pause) I remember the first time I laid eyes on 'er. She's so beautiful in that flowery dress and leopard scarf. Heck, she was the prettiest girl at that VFW dance...no contest! TOM (pointing to Willard's pole) Hey, I think you gotta bite! (they both lean forward and are "rock-still" as they watch Willard's pole, with Willard ready to set his hook any second...after a couple of beats they both very slowly, and at exactly the same time, lean back, swat at mosquitos, and relax again) WILLARD What about Pamela? Has she ever gotton a wild hair and wanted to take off and conquer the world? TOM Naw, not yet anyway. WILLARD How long you two been married? TOM Almost ten years. (beat as Tom pleasantly reflects) For me it's really been a short ten years. I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. WILLARD What happened? TOM I went to the tag office to buy a tag for a truck I'd bought. Well, I guess we didn't actually meet that day. It was more like our first encounter. WILLARD What do ya mean? TOM Well, Pam waited on me that day and didn't hardly give me a second look. She'd just moved into Hayfield and hadn't been workin' at the tag office very long. Willard, I swear I couldn't take my eyes off that girl, 'specially when she smiled. It looked like she was kinda strugglin' with the typin' and all and every once in a while she'd glance up and catch me starin' at her. WILLARD Why didn't ya say somethin'? TOM That wasn't exactly the place to carry on a conversation, but I did do somethin' I can't believe I did. WILLARD What? TOM I handed her a note askin' if she'd go out with me sometime. WILLARD Big coward. TOM No...I just didn't want to embarrass her in front of everybody. WILLARD Big coward. TOM Okay, okay, maybe a little. Anyway, I wrote it down on a piece of paper, walked up to the counter and said 'Maam, you might need this.' WILLARD What'd the note say? TOM It said: 'I know this is a weird way to do this, but will you go out with me sometime?' WILLARD Come on. What happened? What'd she do? TOM Nothin'. She unfolded it, looked at it, and chunked it in the waste basket without even so much as lookin' up at me. Man, I felt bad. When she was done she walked up to the counter with my title and receipt and that was it. WILLARD She didn't say anything? TOM Yeah, sure...she said, 'Thank you' and 'Have a nice day.' WILLARD Well, how'd you two get together? TOM Well, I went out and sat in my pickup for a while feelin' pretty embarrassed. I figured she thought I was some kind of idiot...until I looked down at my receipt. WILLARD Huh? TOM Right below where she signed her name, she wrote 'Yes' and her phone number. WILLARD Well, I'll be...so that's how your big romance started. TOM That's what happened. And it really doesn't seem that long ago. We have a real happy marriage. WILLARD How come you two don't have any kids by now? Uh, none of my business, 'o course. TOM Oh, I don't know. Pam wants kids real bad. Kinda scares me, though. I don't know what kinda daddy I'd make. And, anyway, I'm not so sure we can afford another mouth to feed right now. (beat) WILLARD You remember ever goin' hungry when your daddy ran the business? TOM Is that a rhetorical question? WILLARD Naw...just somethin' to think about...you don't have ta answer it. (beat) WILLARD (cont'd) Well, anyway, you two seem happy. TOM Yeah, we are. I enjoy what I do with the business and Pam really likes her job at the church. She's been secretary there now for a long time. She doesn't make a lot of money, but the perks are pretty decent. WILLARD What perks? TOM Well, for one thing I've pretty well gotten the church's septic business sewn up. (Tom reels his line in, checks his bait, and casts it back) WILLARD Oh, yeah? TOM I don't even have to call 'em when their septic tank needs cleanin'. I just pull up, pump 'er dry, and send 'em a bill. Once every three or four months...just like clockwork, sometimes more often. WILLARD Why more often? (Willard picks up a long stick and attempts to balance it on the tip of his finger) TOM Well, like in the summer when they have alot of ice cream socials, bean suppers, revivals, things like that. The tank can fill up pretty quick so it seems like I'm round-trippin' everytime I turn around. I also pump the pastor's tank at the parsonage plus all the deacons'. (Willard starts to laugh) TOM What's so funny? WILLARD I's just thinkin'. (shakes the stick at Tom) That's alot 'o crap to be takin' from one church. (they both laugh as Willard attempts to balance the stick again) TOM Yeah, I guess you're right. (beat) TOM (cont'd) You know, you'd really be surprised at some of the things you suck out of a septic tank. It can tell you alot about people. (that comment causes Willard to stop balancing and stare at Tom) WILLARD You got some kind'a collection somewhere? TOM No. (beat) Well, not what you'd actually call a collection, anyway. I do have a couple of...(Willard quickly interrupts) WILLARD That's okay, Tom. I really don't need to know. No offense. (beat) WILLARD (cont'd) You know, if they ever put a sewer line down in this town you're gonna be in trouble, bubba. TOM That eventuality is a long way off, if it ever does happen. Besides, I'm way ahead of ya there. If they ever do lay a sewer line I have plans to convert my septic tank truck to a water haulin' rig. You know, that bottled water is becomin' quite the thing anymore. There's gotta be good money in it. Shoot, ya ever see how much money they get for a little bottle of that stuff at the store? (Willard nods) Figured I'd run up to that natural spring there at Cow Chip Hill one 'o these days and load up. S'matter of fact, I've thought about doin' both right now. I could clean septic tanks durin' the day and haul water at night. WILLARD (as if something just occurs to him) Are you talkin' 'bout using the same....uh, never mind. (beat) How've you and Pam lasted so long? TOM Oh, I don't know. For one thing we still love each other. Don't get me wrong, though, we have our moments. We can fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but we just know that there's not anything we can't talk over. Ya just have to admit when you're wrong and not be too stubborn. It's not easy sometimes. (Tom & Willard hear a voice in the distance....) MAUDE (voice from a distance...well offstage) Hey, anybody home? (both men react and look stage left) WILLARD Oh, no. It's Aunt Maude. TOM Dang! What do ya suppose she wants?! WILLARD I don't know. Maybe she won't stay long. (Maude walks onto set, stands stage left, holding a big shotgun) MAUDE Howdy, boys! Caught anything yet? (both men stand up) WILLARD Oh, hi Aunt Maude. No, we just got here a little while ago. Ya ever met Tom Freeman? We graduated from high school together. (as Maude steps toward Tom she trips on log) MAUDE This log kinda clutters up the campsite, don't it? WILLARD Yeah, it does. I figured if ya didn't mind I'd get a truck and a chain and move it the next time...... (as Willard is speaking Maude lays her gun down and stands directly over the center of the log like a weightlifter, bends over, picks it up, puts it on her shoulder, turns and barely misses Tom [he has to duck] with the end of the log, and places it behind the tent. The men are dumbfounded and speak to each other before Maude returns to hear them) TOM (audible whisper) Unbelievable! My God, she's a brute! WILLARD Yeah, she's always had a strong back. TOM A strong back?! Shoot, she's a walking, breathing Mac truck! (glancing back at Maude) She scares me! WILLARD Aw. Don't worry. I know how Maude seems to be at first, but she really is a kind and sensitive person and I can guarantee she'd never do or say anything to hurt anyone's feelings. (walks up to men from behind tent) MAUDE (loudly and gruffly immediately after '...anyone's feelings.') You knuckle-heads need to have your heads examined campin' right on top the pond! The mosquitos are gonna eat ya alive! (extends her hand to Tom for a handshake) Name's Maude. Maude Oakley. I think I saw ya at the Surplus yesterday, didn't I? You were askin' the owner if ya could pump out his crap tank, right? (Tom reaches to shake her hand) TOM (Maude's firm handshake is obviously painful to Tom) Uh....yeah, that...that was me alright. MAUDE What'd he say? TOM Pardon me? MAUDE The guy at the Surplus. Is he gonna let ya pump his poop? TOM Oh! Uh...yeah. Well, he told me to get back with him. (uncomfortable silence as Maude stares at Tom; she finally speaks without breaking her stare) MAUDE You fellas seen a skunk 'round here? (this question momentarily catches the men off guard and both begin looking around the campsite nervously as if they're more than eager to help find the skunk) TOM & WILLARD No......No.......Can't say's we have. TOM Haven't smelled one either! (short-lived nervous laughter from both men as Maude only glares at them...they quickly and seriously return to their search) MAUDE I'm lookin' for a little female skunk about this big. Tiny thing. I think she might have rabies and I need to put her outta her misery. (at this point Tom is attempting to find the 'skull and crossbones' in Maude's glass eye without being too conspicuous) WILLARD Oh, that's too bad. No, we ain't seen a skunk 'round here, but we'll sure let ya know if we do. (lifts his hand in a wave, hoping Maude will turn and leave) MAUDE She's act'n crazy. Fer no reason at all she bit one of my little pigs and now he's run off, too. Can't find either one of 'em. Figured they might'a come this way. WILLARD No, ain't seen 'em. MAUDE (talking to Tom, gruffly, as he trys to inspect her eye) What are ya starin' at? TOM (with a start) Oh, nothin'...nothin'... WILLARD Did ya just come from town, Aunt Maude? MAUDE Yeah, how'd ya know? WILLARD Well, I see ya got your eye in. MAUDE Oh yeah. Guess I can take it out now. You boys don't mind do ya? (without waiting for an answer she pops it out, puts her patch over her eye and has her glass eye in her hand.) MAUDE (cont'd) Here, Tim. Hold this for a second. (she attempts to hand her glass eye to Tom. Tom looks around, picks up a large, long-handled spoon and holds it out. Maude sits the eye in the spoon, reaches around in her jacket and comes out with a whiskey bottle. She takes 3 or 4 long gulps, wipes her mouth with her sleeve) MAUDE (cont'd) Ya boys usin' that cup? (there's a Styrofoam cup sitting on the camp table) WILLARD No...no. MAUDE Mind if I use it? TOM & WILLARD No...sure...go ahead...be our guest... MAUDE Put it in the cup. TOM Huh? (Tom has been slightly mesmorized by Maude's long drink) MAUDE The eyeball. Put it in the cup. TOM Oh! Sure...sure... (when Tom "pours" the eye from the spoon into the cup, Maude pours whiskey into the cup) MAUDE Best germ killer on the market. (she leaves the cup on the table) So. No bites at all, huh? WILLARD Well, we had a little nibble awhile ago, but that's all. MAUDE Be patient...you'll catch somethin'. (beat) (there's an uncomfortable silence as they stand there, Tom keeps glancing at the eye in the cup) (loudly) Somethin' wrong? (both men jump) WILLARD & TOM No....No....Not at all..... MAUDE Well, I better get back to trackin' those little critters. I sure don't want 'em headin' into town with rabies and gettin' 'round the little ones. (both men, feeling relieved that she's leaving, follow Maude a step or two and jump back when she remembers something and stops and turns) MAUDE (cont'd) Oh...by the way, Will. Shot me a deer this mornin' and I gotta mind to grind most of it up into hamburger. Ya got a meat grinder I can borrow? WILLARD Uh, yeah, sure. I think we still have it out in the garage. Next time I'm at the house I'll dig it out and bring it by. MAUDE Thanks. After I get it ground up I'll bring ya a coupla hands full. WILLARD NO! uh....I mean...uh...Thanks anyway, Aunt Maude, but we really don't like the taste of venison. MAUDE Suit yourself. Nice meetin' ya, Tim. (she begins walking off, stage left) TOM That's, uh, Tom. MAUDE Do what?! (hatefully, as she turns toward him) TOM (with a wave) Bye! (Maude frowns at Tom for a count, at Willard for a count, back at Tom and then turns to leave) MAUDE Oh, by the way, if you boys need to take a dump in the mornin' I don't want ya crappin' 'round my pond. You can do your squattin' in my little outhouse down there. (pointing center..across the pond) Ain't gotta door on it, but there's a way you can keep the flies outta there while you're doin' your business. WILLARD Oh, yeah? MAUDE Yeah. Just grab ya a long stick, reach in there and open the lid. That'll scatter 'em fer a while. But, ya'll need to hurry in, get 'er pinched off, and get out pronto. When those flies catch their breath I guarantee they'll be back in swarms. WILLARD Thanks, Aunt Maude. We'll remember that...won't we, Tom? (Tom simply nods his head, eyebrows furrowed [to say the least]) (Maude exits) (There is a long pause as Tom stares in the direction where Maude said the outhouse is) TOM Ya know, Willard. We've joked about some things and had some laughs since we've been out here this afternoon, but I'm dead serious now. I'd rather bloat up and die 'o constipation than go anywhere near that outhouse. And, heck, I'm in the business! WILLARD (Willard laughs) Well, one thing's for sure. It's a safe bet we're gonna hold it at least until we get home tomorrow, huh? (they both laugh and return to their seats) TOM So that's Maude, huh? WILLARD That is Maude. TOM I guess she's friendly...in a sort of Marine-Corps-Drill-Sergeant- kind-a-way. WILLARD She's alright. Just a little different. (Tom notices that Maude has left her 'eye' behind, jumps up and picks up the cup) TOM Oh great! Guess what Madaam Swartzenegger left behind? (holding up the cup) WILLARD Maybe she just wants to keep an 'eye' on us. TOM (Tom sits the cup on top of the ice chest which is beneath the table) Yeah, real funny. Ya know what's gonna happen now, don't ya? She's gonna be back lookin' for it. And ya know she'll show up when we least expect. The wind'll be blowin' and thunder clappin'...We'll open our eyes and her shadow'll be hoverin' over our tent... WILLARD (a little laugh; humored by Tom's anxiety over Maude) Aw well, that's okay, Tom. I mean, it's not like the headless horseman's gonna be out ridin' around lookin' for his head. Of course, you could do the nice thing and take it to her house. TOM (returns to his seat) Oh yeah, sure. 'Hello, Maude. Here's your eye you left at the campsite.' Yeah, you bet. It'd be my luck she'd be sittin' in that outhouse hollerin' for me to bring it to 'er. WILLARD (teasing) Well, you know, she just might be. At least with the door off you'll know pretty quick if she's in there. TOM Shoot, are you kiddin'? If that's really where she was I wouldn't give 'er that eyeball with a slingshot. (beat) TOM (cont'd) Hey...why don't you take it?! She's your aunt! WILLARD Ahh...She'll probably be back for it in a few minutes. B'sides, it's gettin' dark and I'm afraid I'd trip and lose it. That's somethin' I wouldn't wanna have to explain to 'er. TOM How'd she lose her eye anyway? Don't tell me...She came up here fishin', ran out of worms, and used one of her eyeballs for bait, right? WILLARD Lost it when she was little. TOM When she was little?! She used to be little?!. WILLARD I remember Uncle Clyde tellin' me that her and some boy in her fourth grade class were havin' a duel on the playground with pea-shooters. TOM Ouch! Bet that hurt! WILLARD I imagine. (beat) TOM So, how are things at the sawmill, Willard? WILLARD Oh, you know. Same-old, Same-old. Mr. Hanson hired a new man the other day. TOM Oh, yeah? WILLARD Remember, Ira Pickel? TOM Yeah. WILLARD His boy, Dale. TOM Oh, yeah...Dale. (beat) Didn't he have an accident a while back? WILLARD Coupla' years ago. He was helpin' out at Luther Butts' dairy farm. Dale and Luther's boy, Dixon, were good friends and they were out in the pasture roundin' up the dairy cows for milkin' when it happened. TOM What happened? WILLARD The way I heard it they were ridin' bareback on that big gray mare of Luther's and somethin' spooked her. Dale landed right on his head...knocked him out cold. I guess he had some brain swellin' and was in a coma for a while. Pretty serious. TOM Yeah, I remember it was pretty bad. Never was quite right after that, was he? WILLARD Not really. TOM How's he workin' out at the mill? WILLARD Alright, I guess. Took 'em awhile to teach him how to use the time clock. TOM (chuckle) Now, there's an irony for ya. Gettin' paid to learn how to use the time clock. (beat) TOM (cont'd) Gosh, I hope he's not runnin' a saw! WILLARD Naw. Mr. Hanson had him sweepin' the floors for a while, but that didn't work out too well. TOM Why not? WILLARD Well, we broke for lunch one day and realized Dale wasn't anywhere 'round. We looked high and low before we finally found him. TOM Where was he? WILLARD 'Bout a quarter mile down the road, right square on the center stripe just sweepin' away. TOM Did ya ask him what he was doin'? WILLARD Yeah. (beat) Said he was roundin' up Luther's cows. TOM You gotta be kiddin'! Now, why in the heck does old man Hanson hire people like Dale anyway?! That's just throwin' good money away 'cause Dale ain't never gonna make him a hand. It's just not good business. WILLARD Aw, Mr. Hanson's a good man, Tom. He's just got a soft spot in his heart for people whose thinkin's a little cloudy. TOM Cloudy?! Shoot, from what I know he's got two or three full-blown thunderstorms workin' out there. WILLARD Yeah, well, Mr. Hanson's got a sister livin' with him who's retarded and his dad has Alzheimer's. I suppose he's learned from them that they have lives, too, and he knows how easy it'd be for people to turn their backs on them. TOM (with a nod) Yeah. WILLARD You're right, it might not be good business in our books, but from the Lord's standpoint I'd say Mr. Hanson's bank account is growin' and payin' lots of interest. (beat) TOM Well, sure can't argue that. WILLARD (looking around) It's gonna be pitch-black dark in a few minutes. (rising from his seat) Better think about gettin' that lantern fired up pretty soon. (beat, while he looks around for lantern) You seen it? TOM What? WILLARD The lantern. We packed it didn't we? TOM Well, I didn't bring mine and I don't remember seein' yours... WILLARD Oh, great. Now that I think about it, I left mine at home sittin' on the freezer in the garage. I plum forgot it. We have to have a gas lantern if we're gonna fish all night. Oh well, I'll just run in town real quick and get it. (starts walking off, SR) TOM Uh...Hold up! I'll go with ya! (about falls getting up, looks around and is afraid Willard will leave him there alone, but doesn't want his fear to be obvious) WILLARD That's okay. I can get it myself. It's my fault we don't have it anyway, so go ahead and stay here and fish. TOM No, I'll go. (looking around as if slightly nervous) I want to get my cap anyway. (Willard is looking at the cap that Tom is wearing...Tom rolls his eyes up and realizes that he is wearing his cap and adjusts it on his head) Oh, yeah...well...ya might need some help if ya have a flat on the way in. Ya know those tires 'o yours don't really look that good. WILLARD Uh huh. Are ya sure ya don't want to stay here 'cause you're 'fraid Maude might come back while I'm gone? TOM (acting surprised at Willard's suggestion) What?! Oh come on. She doesn't scare me. Not one bit does she. WILLARD All right. Let's go. (they begin to walk off stage right when Tom notices that the cup holding Maude's eye is on the ice chest instead of up higher where Tom hopes Maude can easily find it when she comes back. He looks around, walks over, picks it up and places it prominently on the table while Willard is off-stage. He looks inside the cup for a moment and begins slowly walking off stage carefully looking around for Maude. Suddenly a bird cries out loudly and it sends Tom sprinting the rest of the way off) END OF ACT I ACT II Scene I Scene: Same scene, later that night. (womens' voices can be heard off-stage left growing audibly louder as they approach campsite; lights are fairly dim on the set depicting nighttime; the women have a flashlight and Pam is carrying an unlit gas lantern. Scene opens with outdoor sound effects...then fade) SUZY Can't see a campfire or anything. PAM Are you sure this is where they're supposed to be camping, Suzy? SUZY This is where Willard told me he was goin'. Hey...(light from flashlight is evident shining on the tent)...here it is, over here! (Suzy and Pam enter the campsite from SL; Suzy is leading the way struggling in her heels and carrying the flashlight. Pam is close behind carrying an unlit gas camping lantern and holding onto Suzy's blouse) PAM Are you sure this is it? SUZY Positive. PAM Yep. This is it. This is the tent Tom packed this morning. SUZY Wonder where the boys are? PAM I don't know. Wherever they are they shouldn't be gone long. Knowing Tom, they probably went into town to load up on snacks. Do you want to wait? SUZY Why not. How 'bout crankin' up that lantern, Pam, and puttin' a little more light on the situation 'round here. PAM Okay. I think I know how to light it. (beat while Pam sets lantern on table and lights it with help from Suzy and her flashlight) SUZY (looking around) Well, they sure's heck picked a spot smack dab in the middle 'o nowhere. PAM Aaaahhh....There we go. (lights come up on set, Suzy sets flashlight on table) PAM (cont'd) Do you think it's okay to leave the truck parked over there in the trees? (she looks SL where they parked it) SUZY Sure. Why not? PAM Willard's Aunt Maude might not like it when she finds out we've been driving that heavy thing all over her property looking for this pond. SUZY Aahh...it'll be okay. That's about as close as we're gonna get to the pond and I sure ain't gonna ride it back out to the road and walk in from that distance in these heels. (pause) Besides, it ain't gonna be that easy to see unless you walk right up on it. PAM I suppose you're right. Anyway, she should understand. After all, she is a woman. Surely she knows what it's like wearing heels. SUZY Now that's debatable. PAM What? That she'll understand? SUZY No, that she's a woman. I heard she can kill a grizzly bear with her bare hands. PAM Oh my. Is she friendly? SUZY Well, honey, that Grizzly might not think so. (beat) SUZY (cont'd) The boys are gonna owe us one for this Pamela. Forgettin' that lantern was a bone-headed thing for Willard to do. (Suzy sits in the chair stage right pulls her heels off and begins rubbing her feet. PAM Well, I'm glad we could bring it out to them. (looking around) Looks like they don't have any other lights around here at all. SUZY (moaning in pain) Well, I don't know what was worse. Walkin' 'cross that pasture in these heels or bouncin' 'round in that bone-jarrin' crap wagon 'o your husband's. PAM Yeah, I guess it does ride kinda rough. (sits in other chair) SUZY Kinda rough?! Yeah, I'd say it was kinda rough. When that 'earthquake- on-wheels' finally rolled to a stop my eyelashes were on the floorboard and my bra up 'round my neck! (Suzy adjusts her bra and Pam laughs) SUZY (cont'd) But, hey! I appreciate ya givin' me a lift out here. PAM Oh, that's okay. I'm just sorry it was the only thing we had to get out here in with our car broke down. (Pam is bothered by the various flying insects that are coming into the camp because of the light; she occasionally swats at mosquitos) SUZY Ah, it wasn't that bad. I do appreciate you lettin' me cover up that God-awful slogan on the doors with duct tape before we left. PAM Yeah, well, I don't blame you. I've tried to get Tom to change it or take it off all together, but he won't hear of it. He says if that slogan was good enough for his daddy and grandpa, then it's good enough for him. He says you can't argue with 50 years of success. SUZY That may be, honey, but you'll never catch me cruisin' down the street in anything with an orange flourescent slogan on the door that says 'More Suck For Your Hard-earned Buck'! (they both laugh) PAM Yeah. That truck is not exactly an object of my deepest affections, although, I suppose it ought to be. I remember the first date we had was in his septic truck. God that was so embarrassing. (covers her face with her hands) SUZY Now, surely it wasn't that bad, honey. Where'd ya go? PAM (slowly pulls her hands away and looks at Suzy) The drive-in movie. SUZY Oh, my Lord! PAM But, hey, listen...Rolling into the drive-in an hour before the sun went down wasn't the worst part. While we were sitting there watching the movie some smart aleck sneaked around and opened the valve in the back of the truck. (Suzy gasps) SUZY No! PAM We didn't even know it until the owner knocked on our glass and told us. SUZY What'd ya do? PAM Well, I sat inside the truck so embarrassed I was sick to my stomach. But, Tom? No way. Oh, he was madder'n a hornet at first, but then he ended up being glad it happened! SUZY Glad? You're kiddin'. PAM No, I'm not. While he was back there vacuuming that mess up off the ground three people came up and asked him for his business card. He thought it was the best advertisement in the world! SUZY Surely not! PAM He surely thought it was! He wanted to do it again. SUZY What'd ya say to that? PAM I told him to go ahead, but if he did I wasn't ever going to ride in it again. SUZY I don't blame ya, girl. PAM (smiling) He can be so sweet, though. I remember when we first met. I was workin' in the tag office when he came in to get a title for his truck. I fell for him like you wouldn't believe. SUZY Oh, I believe it. I can see it in your face. PAM We rode around in that septic truck alot because his car was broke down most of the time. But we didn't mind. He liked to joke to people that he "'sucked' me off my feet". I didn't say anything, but I sure was glad when he quit sayin' that. We were married six months later. SUZY Wow! That was quick. How come you guys don't have any kids? PAM Tom doesn't want kids. Not yet, anyway. SUZY And you do? PAM Well....yeah. I do. Actually, it's about all I think of anymore, Suzy. I run the nursery at the church on Sunday mornings and I do so enjoy the children. I'd give anything in this world to have one of my own. SUZY Why doesn't Tom want kids? PAM (Pam looks around, rises, and goes to ice chest for a pop) He thinks we're not financially ready yet. But we are. SUZY Do ya talk to him 'bout it? PAM We haven't talked about it in a long time. He just tells me he'll let me know when he thinks the time is right. I'm twenty-nine years old, Suzy. I don't want to wait forever. Would you like a pop? SUZY Yeah...Well, couldn't you "accidentally" get pregnant? PAM (Suzy hands Pam here can of pop and returns to her seat) I couldn't do that, Suzy. SUZY Well, ya really need to bring it up to him again. Maybe you two could go somewhere and get some counselin'. PAM Maybe. SUZY Do ya like your job at the church, Pam? PAM Actually, I do. I know it doesn't sound very exciting, but it's what I like. SUZY What do church secretaries do? PAM Well, I don't know about other church secretaries, but at our church I do all the typing, publish and mail the newsletters, answer the phone, things like that. SUZY Oh. (sounding uninterested) PAM Not very ambitious, I know. I did have a fling one time with wanting to be a hand model. Everybody always told me I had pretty hands. (Suzy rises, takes the step or two to Pam's chair, adjusts her glasses and looks closely at Pam's hands) SUZY Well, honey, I'd say everybody was right. And what pretty nails. Why didn't ya do it? (with a laugh) I'm a manicurist...I could'a been your trainer! (she returns to her chair) PAM Well, I really didn't know how to get started. And I didn't know if I'd be able to handle the pressure of having famous hands. Anyway, when me and Tom first started going to church, I heard they were needing a secretary, so I applied. I figured I'd like it alot better than the tag office...at least I could type at my own pace. SUZY That's true. PAM But, oh, I remember when I first started. I was so nervous. The pastor told me that what I was doing was every bit as important in the eye's of God as what he did at the pulpit on Sundays. SUZY Wow! Now that's pressure! PAM Well, I wasn't the greatest typist in the world. That's what made me so nervous at the tag office. I bought an old Underwood at a garage sale and figured I could get by until I could practice some and speed up. SUZY Well, ya did okay didn't ya? PAM At first I made a few mistakes, but nothing critical...until I published my first newsletter. SUZY Uh oh. What happened? PAM (puts her elbows on her knees, face in her hands momentarily as she recalls the incident) Oh, Suzy. I could have just died. I worked so hard. I was determined to make my first newsletter the best the church had ever seen. I used cute clip art and made other changes that really made it look fresh and appealing. SUZY Well, come on girl, what happened? PAM Well, after creating, copying, labeling, stamping and mailing all 96 of those newsletters I learned the next day that I made one typo. And it was a doozy. SUZY Well, tell me before I die! What was it? PAM The title of the pastor's upcoming sermon was "The Joy of Public Worship". In the newsletter I left the "L" out of public. (after a moment of allowing it to sink in, Suzy begins hilarious laughter) SUZY Oh, my God! That is so funny! PAM And of all people, the preacher's wife was the one to call me and break the news. I almost didn't go to church that next Sunday. But, I did. SUZY Well, of course you did, honey. We all make mistakes. PAM When the pastor announced the message of his sermon in church that morning everyone's hand went straight up to cover their smiles. You know, Suzy, Reverend Cooksey is as dear and as Christian a man as you'll find anywhere, but when he announced the name of his sermon in church that Sunday, to this day I swear he emphasized the word 'Public'. (mockingly, in an 'old man' voice) 'The Joy of PUBLIC Worship'. SUZY Oohhh! You imagined that! PAM I'm still not so sure I'm not going to Hell. SUZY (sympathetic) Oh, monkey feathers! Come on now, sweetie, we've all done things like that at one time or 'nother. (beat...Suzy looks around a little bit) SUZY (cont'd) Oh, look! (looking at the fishing poles) Looks like the boys are doing a little fishin'. PAM What about you and Willard, Suzy? SUZY Oh, I don't know. I love him, but I feel trapped. I wanna spread my wings and see how far I can go as a hairdresser and I don't think he understands at all. He's perfectly happy sawin' boards at the mill all day long, but I want a piece of the good life, Pam. Tulsa's callin' me, girl, and I gotta go. I just gotta. (beat) SUZY (cont'd) I wish I was more like you...(sigh) you know, satisfied to have a dull job and a dull husband and livin' in a dull town. God just made us different, that's all. PAM Now, hold on a minute, Suzy...I don't consider my job dull and I sure don't consider Tom dull. I'm happy. I do wish we could have a baby, but we'll have one in time, when we're both ready. As for the town...you're right, Hayfield is pretty dull. SUZY I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend ya, Pam. Of course you're happy, honey. It's not that I'm so much unhappy with Willard....it's just...oh, I don't know. Actually, I s'pose things are pretty good lately, at least at night. Viagra took care of that. (they both giggle) PAM That stuff really works, huh? SUZY You better believe it, sister. (beat) SUZY (cont'd) You know, Pam, we haven't known each other all that long, but we've lived next door to each other for a while now and I think we've become pretty good friends, haven't we? PAM I've always thought we were friends. SUZY Mind if I ask ya kind of a personal question? PAM Go ahead. SUZY (rises and walks to Pam, giving her the 'once-over') Who does your hair? PAM Chicky Briarwood. Why? SUZY Chicky, huh? (beat while Suzy looks Pam's hair over) Has she ever had any trainin'? PAM Why? Doesn't it look like it? SUZY Oh...yeah....well.....(beat) No. Can I give ya a make-over when we get back? PAM I don't think so, Suzy. I appreciate it, but I'm happy with the way I look. SUZY Ya are, huh? PAM Yes I am, thank you! SUZY (she kneels by Pam's chair to do her pleading) I really need to have someone's hair to practice on. Come on, Pam, please? I bought some books showin' how to do it and I'll have them right there with me....please? PAM No! SUZY They have step-by-step instructions and the illustrations are in color.... PAM No, Suzy! Forget it! You can experiment on my nails and my face, but my hair is off limits. SUZY (she rises dejectedly and goes back to her chair and sits) Darn! I guess I'll have to go back to that stupid wig that came with the course. PAM Well, what's wrong with that? That sounds like the perfect thing to practice on. SUZY It was...at first. PAM It's not now? SUZY Well, one day I put a strong permanent solution on it, set that mickey mouse wind-up timer that came with the course and... ohhhhh.....(she puts her face in her hands as she recalls) PAM What happened? SUZY Well, I set the timer for ten minutes and dozed off on the couch. When I woke up an hour and a half later everything was ruined. PAM Oh, no! SUZY The thing that really made me hoppin' mad was that little pot metal timer showed I still had three and a half minutes left! I was scared to death that fiasco was gonna get out 'round town and nobody'd ever hire me. PAM Oh, you shouldn't have worried about that. It was in your own home wasn't it? SUZY Yeah, but wouldn't ya know...Mr. Hanson's wife, Mabelle, from the church came callin' that day and I could see her glancin' at that wig ever once in a while and sniffin' the permanent solution. She's probably wonderin' whether that was a wig she was lookin' at or a Chia Pet gone bad. I didn't have the nerve to tell her what happened. PAM Did it ruin your wig? SUZY Well, for all practical purposes it did, but I didn't throw it out. I figured I could still practice comb-overs for men. (they both laugh) SUZY Oh, Pam. (she stands) I wanna be a beautician more than anything else in the world! For the longest time I've dreamed of bein' able to mold a 'plain Jane' into a beautiful princess. The ability to hold the power of beauty in my hands is a goal I plan to reach one of these days. It's my dream. PAM Have you always wanted to be a hairdresser? SUZY Well, no. I wanted to be a professional musician after I graduated high school. PAM Seriously?! SUZY (defensively) Yes, seriously! I played the saxophone in school and alot of people thought I was pretty darned good. I practiced real hard and made second chair my senior year. PAM Well, good for you! SUZY Would'a made first chair, but the preacher's nerdy son pretty well had that to himself. You weren't gonna move his big butt outta that chair with a stick 'o dynamite. Anyway, I joined a band and we did pretty good at first. Played a few gigs 'round, ya know, the American Legion, VFW, places like that. PAM Sounds exciting! SUZY Yeah, well, it was for awhile. But, the new wore off pretty quick and I was feelin' pretty ambious, so I decided to make mama my manager and break out on my own. PAM Wow! That sounds kinda scary! SUZY It was...a little. But, shoot, by that time I was gettin' real close to bein' able to play Yakkety-Sax all the way through without a single mistake, so I figured I was about ready to go solo. PAM Yakkety-Sax!? Gosh! SUZY Yeah. Mama had a gig lined up for me within a coupla weeks of my breakin' off from the group. Her half-sister was friends with a drama teacher that was directin' a play in a little town about 25 miles from where we lived at the time. They needed a sax player and, shoot, I jumped all over it. PAM Well, who wouldn't? SUZY I figured they probably needed someone to perform between acts or somethin' like that. I practiced night and day and was all ready to play Yakkety-Sax for the very first time in front of a live audience. I told all my friends to be there and to bring their dancin' shoes. I couldn't 'a been more excited. PAM Well, I don't blame you. How did you do? SUZY (mysteriously unenthused while she sits back down) Well, my performance was perfect. PAM Did you play Yakkety-Sax? SUZY No. Actually, I played a low E note. PAM What? SUZY They had one solitary moment in the play when they had a ship passing in the night. (beat) I was the fog horn. PAM (laughing) Oh, Suzy. That's terrible. SUZY I spent $15 to have my hair permed, bought a brand new dress, borrowed all my mom's finest costume jewelry, and traveled fifty miles round- trip, all to sit back stage alone with my saxophone and go 'OOOOUUUMMM' (Suzy sticks her thumb in her mouth and uses her other hand to mime playing a sax and makes a real low fog horn sound) PAM That's terrible! Did you get paid? SUZY Well, I could'a, but I didn't. PAM What do you mean? SUZY Well, when the play was over this snooty little lady with the checkbook walked up to me and told me that the money raised from the play that night was to help feed and clothe the underprivileged children in the area. That was right before she asked me how much money they were gonna have to pay me for that little toot on my horn. PAM What did you say? SUZY Well, let's just say I was ten dollars in the hole when I left. I gave her all the money I had in my purse...money I was gonna use to buy gas. (sigh) But, those kids needed it worse than me. PAM That is so sweet of you. SUZY Well, I didn't exactly leave with a warm spot in my heart. I gave up my music career that night. PAM When did you get interested in becoming a hairdresser? SUZY That night, actually. I liked the way my hair looked so much and I remember thinkin' that I'd give anything if I could fix hair like that. That's when the dream began. Before we left me and mama said a little prayer about what the Lord wanted me to do next and before we even got out of that little town I had everything confirmed to me. PAM What do you mean? How? SUZY Well, we passed one of them yellow-lighted advertisement signs ya see everywhere? On the top line were the words: "God Has A Plan" and right below it was: "Wash and Perm $25.00". I didn't need to wonder about my life no more. I felt God had just moved in a mysterious way. Mama didn't agree, though. PAM She didn't, huh? SUZY Naw. She said that sign wasn't God talkin'. She said the one doin' the talkin' there was the owner of that run-down lookin' little beauty shop tryin' ta bring in little old church ladies. Mama thought I still had a future with that horn, but, Pam, I swear if she'd made me play Yakkety-Sax one more time, I was gonna scream! I knew right then and there what I was gonna do with my life and I wasn't gonna let nobody tell me any different! PAM I agree with you, Suzy. A girl's gotta follow her dream. SUZY Yeah, well. I guess me and my dream's gonna have to sit around and wait on Willard. For the life of me, Pam, I just don't understand why he's so attached to that saw mill! He ain't never gonna go any further in life if he stays there. PAM Are you sure, Suzy? Sometimes it takes a while to move up. SUZY Believe me, he's as far up that corporate ladder as he's gonna get. Shoot, he was operatin' that big eighteen inch rip saw long before I met him. There ain't nowhere else for him to go! It's dead-end city from here on out. PAM You two haven't been married very long...Is Willard your first husband? SUZY Yeah. I almost married once before. PAM Really? SUZY Long time ago. I met this guy about a year after my "saxophone solo". (Suzy uses her fingers to form quotes) By that time I was a manicurist. PAM Oh, really? SUZY Well, I still wanted to be a hair dresser, but I didn't need as much trainin' doin' nails and I figured I'd be a beautician in time. I felt like I was in the minor leagues just waitin' for my shot at the majors. Jumpin' from nails to hair was a pretty big one and I wasn't gonna be in a hurry 'bout it. PAM That's the smart way to look at it. SUZY I was almost twenty when I finally got my own house to rent. I loved my mama and all, but I sure was glad to get away. Anyway, I started goin' with a guy named Lucky, of all names. PAM Lucky? Do I know him? SUZY No, I doubt it. He swooped' into town and swooped back out before 'quick'. PAM What happened? SUZY He said his name was Lucky Simmons and he said he was from Austin, Texas. He came into town to set up a little used car dealership and I got ta know him pretty quick. Mama went with me down to his place to see about helpin' me get a car of some kind to drive. Pam, if there ever was a man that could string some pretty words together it was Lucky. I fell for that little guy lock, stock, and barrel...hook, line, and sinker...I don't care how ya wanna say it. PAM Wow. SUZY Well, I only had that stupid car for two days when the oil light came on. I found out pretty quick that the oil light was about the only thing on that car that did work. PAM Oh, no. SUZY I took it over to Benny's Tube & Lube to have it checked out and he said that, along with about a dozen other things, it had a bad oil leak that was gonna cost alot to fix, more than it was worth. Mama was madder'n a hornet and went to see 'bout gettin' our money back from Lucky. PAM Did he give you your money back? SUZY Huh? Oh...no. He said his cars were sold as is, where is. But he did give us some good used floor mats to show there weren't no hard feelin's. PAM Well, what happened between you two? SUZY Well, hold on a minute. At first Lucky treated me like a real lady and was tellin' me all these things he was gonna do for me. He was gonna send me to beauty college and when I graduated he was gonna buy me my own beauty salon. Girl, I thought I had done died and gone to heaven. PAM I don't blame you. Well, what happened? He changed his mind? SUZY Pam, after that man moved in with me it was Dr. Jekyl meet Mr. Hyde. PAM How do you mean? SUZY He kept slappin' me on the behind in front of my friends and makin' remarks I won't repeat here. It was really humiliatin'. And I found out pretty quick that not only was he not rich like he let on, he didn't even have a pot to pee in until he moved into my house...and then he missed it half the time! PAM Well, the nerve of that guy! SUZY You don't know the half of it. Wasn't long before we started gettin' calls all hours of the day and night from people fightin' mad 'bout the cars he'd sold 'em. And then his insults really started gettin' bad. Told me I was dumber than a stump... PAM Well, that's obviously not true! SUZY Right in front of my friends!! I was so embarrassed. PAM Well, the nerve of that guy! SUZY Said I reminded him of my lava lamp...fun to look at, but not very bright. PAM That's abuse, Suzy. It's verbal abuse. SUZY I know, but I wanted to try and make it work and I thought he might change. (beat) SUZY (cont'd) Anyway, to make a long story short, he was packed and gone one day and I ain't never seen him since. Took all the cash out of my purse...didn't even leave a note. Wasn't long after that when investigators were at my door askin' about Lucky's whereabouts. PAM Oh, my goodness! Investigators?! SUZY They told me Lucky, or whatever his name was, was a used car hustler wanted in Louisiana and Texas and they were tryin' to track him down. I found out that lyin' little weasel actually came from Albuquerque instead of Austin and while he was connin' people there he used the name "Shorty" instead of "Lucky". I can personally attest to the fact that the name "Shorty" was much more appropriate. (laughter from both) SUZY (cont'd) I swore I'd never trust a man again after that. And I kept that promise to myself for alot of years. But, when I met Willard I just couldn't resist. Not that he was some kind of Don Juan or anything, don't get me wrong. I met him at a VFW dance. (smiles as she reminices) He was so shy. When he came up to me and asked me to dance I could tell he was real nervous and at first I felt a little sorry for him. He even said I didn't have to dance if I didn't wanna. Right then I knew he wasn't no vacuum cleaner salesman. (both girls giggle) We danced a few dances and it wasn't long before I really started likin' him. I mean really likin' him. And to this day I can't put my finger on how or why I fell in love with him. All I know for sure is that I did. (beat) (frustration in her voice) I just wish I could get him away from that sawmill, Pam. I love him, he makes me happy, but...oh, I don't know... PAM Is that the only job he's ever had? SUZY No. He told me he was a mechanic once. PAM Really? Here in town? SUZY Yeah. Over at Benny's Tube and Lube. He said they hired him to fix flats after he got outta the Army and it wasn't long before he worked his way into the mechanicin' end of it. PAM Did the saw mill pay more or somethin'? SUZY Naw. For the longest time he wouldn't tell me why he quit Benny. I knew somethin' musta hurt him pretty bad. Finally one day he told me. You've heard of that contest that Tube and Lube sponsors every year out at the fairgrounds haven't ya? You know, the All-County Mechanics Contest and Fish Fry? PAM Who doesn't know about that? I've never been to one, but I've heard alot about it. SUZY Pretty excitin', really. They have lots of competitions with a first place prize of $100. It's an all-day affair. The guys compete to see who can put a carburetor together first, who can replace spark plugs the fastest, you know, things like that. PAM Oh... SUZY Well, Willard told me he got his confidence up and entered one year. He thought he had a chance to win and he said he really had his heart set on that first place cash prize. He was gonna take his mama to Frontier City and spend the rest on end wrenches. I thought that was sweet. PAM What happened? Did he win? SUZY Well, at the end of the day he was tied for first place with two other fellas from Tulsa. That was pretty upsettin' in itself. It didn't seem fair to him that he had to compete against them city-slicker mechanics. They came struttin' into town from them hotsy-totsy dealerships with all that fancy trainin' under their belts and them shiny Sears tools. PAM Well, what happened? SUZY Well, Benny decided that to break the tie they'd line three cars up, and see who could jack 'em up off the ground and put 'em on blocks the fastest. Well, Willard lost and it just broke his heart. PAM Poor thing. SUZY Yeah. He's never been the same since he lost that three-way jack-off. (Suzy puts a hand to her mouth) SUZY (cont'd) Whoops! (they both laugh) PAM Well, that's too bad. SUZY He quit his job soon after that 'cause he couldn't get Benny to change the rules to keep them city slickers out of the competition. That's when he went to work for Mr. Hanson at the saw mill. (beat) SUZY (cont'd) You know, Pam. It's a real shame ta have ta walk away from your life's callin' 'cause of somethin' like that. PAM It surely is. SUZY He told me somethin' one night on the porch swing that I'll always remember. He said he might be blowin' sawdust out his nose, but he'll always have motor oil pumping through his veins. That brought a tear to my eye. PAM Yeah...me, too. Say, maybe he could get a job as a mechanic in Tulsa! Has he ever thought of that? SUZY I mentioned that to him, but he says that cars are so different today that he pro'bly wouldn't know which end was up with them computers and all that other fancy-schmancy stuff on the cars today. PAM So, his only choices are working at the sawmill or as a mechanic somewhere? Isn't there something else he can do? SUZY Well, awhile back he said he was gonna make us stinkin' rich when he ordered this taxidermy course, but we just ended up with the stinkin' part. He'd come home draggin' in these dead possums and raccoons that'd been hit along the road, you know, to practice on. PAM Yuk! SUZY Never did do much with it. He stuffed a cat for Rusty Stumpp and that was a fiasco from the word go. He lost one of the cat's eyeballs inside Rusty's mother and it ended up gettin' buried along with her and the cat... PAM Wait a minute. What? Would you repeat that? SUZY Trust me, Pam. You don't wanna know. And then he had some hairbrained idea about mountin' catfish heads and sellin' em....(shakes her head) PAM Seriously? SUZY You don't know the half of it, girl. I remember one Saturday he came draggin' in this racoon that'd been run over out on the highway...flatter'n a fritter. I looked out the window and saw him carryin' it to the garage. Few days later he comes up behind me, tells me to close my eyes, and wraps that God-awful, smelly coonskin 'round my neck and shoulders. PAM Oh, no! What'd you do? SUZY I screamed to the top of my lungs, that's what I did! I flung that nasty thing 'cross the room and told him to never do that to me again! PAM What in the world possessed Willard to do something like that? (beat) SUZY He loves me. PAM Huh? SUZY Willard'd been workin' on that skin real hard for a whole week. He thought I'd really like it and he wanted to surprise me. Well, at least he got half of what he wanted! PAM You mean...a coonskin stole? SUZY I know. And as crazy as it sounds...that's why I love him so much. He is so sweet and does so many things for me. Sometimes I just have to take the weird with the good and realize that in Willard's mind sometimes they're the same thing. PAM What did you end up doin' with the coonskin? SUZY After the fit I threw Willard wanted to just throw it away. But, I packed it for safe keepin' in my special trunk in the attic. Ya know, Pam, you couldn't give me enough money to wear that thing in public, (short pause) but there ain't enough money in the world to get me to part with it, either. (beat) PAM I really pray that things work out between you two. SUZY I do too. But that was a pretty bad fight we had. Probably our worst. He packed all that campin' gear and left the house awfully mad. Last thing he said was that he was comin' out here to Maude's and said if I wanted to leave, I could. PAM I guess that's when he came over to our house and asked Tom to go with him. SUZY Yeah. I was watchin' out the window and saw 'em leave. PAM Do you know Maude very well? SUZY She's a strange old bird, I can tell ya that. PAM Does she ever visit you and Willard in town? SUZY Naw. She's a hermit. Even though she's Willard's aunt, I know next to nothin' 'bout her. PAM Well, you've heard the stories around town about her haven't you? SUZY Who hasn't? But me and Willard never talk about her. I don't know why, we just don't. I guess she's kinda the Aunt we keep in the basement. Out 'o sight, out 'o mind, ya know? PAM Did you here the one about her killing her husband? SUZY And makin' a candle holder out of his head? Yeah. That's a good one. PAM The story goes that she ground up his body and fed it to the animals. (both laugh nervously and jump at the sound of a shrieking bird) SUZY Ya don't think there're any wild animals 'round here do ya? PAM I don't know. I don't think so. At least not the kind that eat people. (sound of a howling coyote in the distance) SUZY What was that? PAM Probably just a raccoon or possum or something like that. SUZY I've been around raccoons and possums at the zoo and I've never heard either one make a noise like that! PAM Well...maybe it was just the wind. (the same howl pierces the air) SUZY I've been around wind, too, and it doesn't sound like that either, (then, in an attempt at humor to break the tension) ....except when it comes from Willard. (they both laugh, but their laughter is short-lived when they hear a branch snap. They both leave their chairs and stand next to each other between the chairs) PAM I don't like this place, Suzy. It gives me the creeps. (she squints and looks straight ahead) Is that Maude's home down there? (she points) SUZY Yeah, that's it. Looks like she's got every light in the house on. PAM You don't see any candles burning do you? (nervous laughter) SUZY Ya know, Pam, if I had the nerve I'd go down there and peek in and see if she really does have Clyde's head on her coffee table. PAM Well, you'll go by yourself! My God, I hope she doesn't come up here! SUZY Well, we could leave. (thunder and wind in the background) PAM Yeah, let's do. We already did what we came here to do. We brought that lantern here for the boys. We can explain everything to 'em in the morning. (as they begin to shuffle off, close together, and their feet moving in unison the coyote howls and they make a quick U-Turn, also together and in unison) SUZY I guess we could stay a few more minutes. (they shuffle back to their spot between the chairs) (beat) I am sooooo dry. (rubs her throat; notices the cup) I gotta have a drink. (Suzy picks up the styrofoam cup and starts to take a drink until she sees what's at the bottom of it...she let's out a loud scream and throws the cup down) EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! PAM For heaven's sake! What is it? (Suzy doesn't speak...she just points to the place where the eyeball came to rest...in the stinkbait container) What in the world is that? (bending over and looking closely) SUZY It's an eyeball. (Pam jumps back and shrieks, also) PAM What in the world is that it's lying in? (Suzy looks closely at the stinkbait container) SUZY I don't know for sure. It looks like a brain. PAM Oh. SUZY & PAM (they look at each other in terror) A BRAIN? (they both scream loudly and hold each other) PAM Oh my God. I think I'm going to faint. SUZY No! Don't do that! We gotta think. (a few beats while they pace and think, Pam can't take her mind off of the eyeball in the container) PAM Well, how are we supposed to think with that EYE staring at us everywhere we go? SUZY I can fix that. (she grabs the spoon and starts knocking the eyeball down into the bait until it disappears) SUZY Just what's goin' on out here for heaven's sake? PAM Oh my God! It just dawned on me. That's her eye! Maude's been here! (they both look into the stinkbait container) SUZY And I'll bet that's Willard's brain. (crying) Willard's a candleholder..waaauuhhh! PAM No, Suzy, I think it's Tom's. (beginning to sob) SUZY How do you know? PAM (picking up the small container) 'Cause it's not very big. Waaahhhhh!! (sets it back down) SUZY (Suzy is facing SL as she is holding and consoling Pam) Come on, now, Pam. We gotta get a grip on ourselves. This is no time to go to pieces. (beat) Look! (looking SL) What's that? (beat) It looks like a light. That can't be the boys! The road is the other way. PAM & SUZY (looking at each other) IT'S MAUDE!! SUZY Let's get outta here! (pandemonium breaks out as the girls panic, bump into each other, and start to run off into the night) Where's the flashlight? PAM I don't know...what did you do with it? SUZY I don't know! Hurry! She's comin'!! PAM Quick! In the tent! (the girls quickly get in the tent. After a couple of beats Maude comes walking into camp with flashlight looking around for her eye. The girls are peering out the window in the side of the tent. After searching for a moment Maude takes a cell phone out and dials) MAUDE Hey, Willard? Maude. (the girls look at each other bewildered that Willard is alive) You ain't here at the campsite so I figured you went to your house for somethin'. Oh, you're already headed back?... You seen my eyeball around the camp anywhere? Well ask Tim. (beat) No...it's not on the table. Well, I'll keep lookin'. No, she's not here. She supposed to be? Hey, I was thinkin'...You got a gun in your truck you can bring up here?...Yeh, if you see that little skunk before I do you can put a bullet in her yourself. (Suzy looks terrified at that remark) Yeah...and do the same thing to that little pig that's with her...(Pam looks terrified now) Yeah...Now, be sure you shoot'em in the heart cause I need to cut their heads off and preserve 'em. Oh yeah, one more thing...Be sure and bring that meat grinder back with ya, okay? Yeah, tonight if ya can. Ya sure ya don't want some of the meat when I'm done? I usually feed most of it to my critters, but the taste really ain't that bad once ya get past the smell. Yeah...Well, you can put steak sauce on it or catsup or somethin' and it's not that bad...anyway, keep a lookout for my eye. Talk to ya later. (Maude puts the phone back in her pocket and looks around a little more. She looks in the area of the tent and the girls duck down. Before she walks off the set she looks down into the bait container, sticks her finger in it and tastes it. She nods her head as if she likes it. She takes one more lick and leaves. Soon the girls slowly appear from the tent. They look off into the distance to be sure that they see Maude's light moving away. They move front and center) PAM What's going on around here, Suzy? I'm really scared! SUZY I don't know. Me and Willard had a pretty big fight today, but I didn't think he'd go this far. I can't believe it...Maude's gonna have Willard shoot both of us! I wonder whose brain that is? (they both take another glance at the stink bait container) (beat) (SUZY cont'd) We're gonna die tonight Pam. This is it. By mornin' there ain't gonna be nothin' left of us but a few strips 'o jerky and our skulls sittin' on Maude's livin' room table.. PAM Don't say that, Suzy. SUZY I ain't never gonna get to bask in the bright lights 'o Tulsa. (she starts to cry, Pam comforts her) PAM We're going to make it through this. I know we are! SUZY You know, Pam, I ain't never told nobody this, but I've always fantasized that some day I'd be good enough to be the head beautician for Tulsa Mayor Susan Savage. Oh, I know that sounds silly. Can you just imagine, though? There she'd be, givin' a news conference on T.V., or maybe a shot of her at a city council meetin'. I'd be standin' in Sears at the mall gathered around the TV with everyone else. They'd be sayin', "Oh, look! Look at Mayor Savage's hair!" And I'd say, 'That's my hair, folks." They'd be cheerin' me, ya know? I'd give an autograph or two. I could make my mark on the world, Pam. And I'd write a book. I already had the name picked out..."Doin' the Do with Suzy Q". (beat while she comes back to reality) But, that's all gone now. It'll never happen. This time tomorrow I'll be drawn, quartered, and packaged. And Maude'll be stickin' a candle where my nose used to be. Waaaa!!! PAM Come on, Suzy. Snap out of it. We're going to survive. Let's get back to the truck. Where's that flashlight? SUZY Here it is! (she tries to give it to Pam) PAM Okay. Go ahead. SUZY Look. I led us up here, you lead us back. PAM I don't know how we got up here! I had ahold of your blouse and followed you with my eyes closed. SUZY Oh, all right! Come on. (they walk to the edge of the stage (left) and stop) Wait! We might run into Maude this way. She might be comin' back to look for her eye. PAM If we can just make it to the highway, we can walk back to town. (They run together to the opposite side of the set and freeze) SUZY Look! Flashlights! That's Tom and Willard. Looks like they got a gun! Oh, no! We're trapped! (they return to the center) We're just gonna have to hide again. Here! (Suzy picks up a couple of pieces of wood for protection and hands one to Pam) Come on! We'll get in the tent, wait 'til they're not lookin' and sneak out! (after a couple of beats the voices of Tom and Willard can be heard approaching the tent) TOM Yeah. Maude must have left it for us. I wonder how she knew we needed a lantern? (they enter the camp with Willard carrying a rifle) WILLARD I could'a swore I left mine at home on the freezer. Hey! (looking closely at the lantern) This is mine! I guess it was out here all the time. Maude musta found it and fired it up for us. (beat) I must be losin' my mind. TOM And she musta found her eye while she was here, cause it was right here when we left. (pointing to the exact spot on the table where he set it) (the girls slowly peek out of the window in the tent) WILLARD Wonder what happened to the girls? (as he asks that question he begins to load his rifle in plain view of the girls) TOM I don't know. Whereever they went they musta taken the truck. Do you know how to use that thing? WILLARD Course I do! I's in the Army, remember? Just got it back from the gunsmith the other day...had him put in a new firin' pin. Hate to waste these expensive shells on what I've gotta do tonight, but I guess I gotta test fire this thing anyway. If those two show up at the camp tonight I'm gonna make quick work of 'em. (aiming his rifle around the campsite) TOM You're startin' to sound like you're Aunt Maude. (beat) Well, I'm gonna check my pole. WILLARD Yeah. Me, too. (sets his rifle down as he walks over to check his pole) TOM Nope. Not a thing. (after reeling in his line he throws it back out) WILLARD Well, my bait's gone. I think I'm gonna try some of that stinkbait. (Willard walks over to the container and stirs his finger in it for just a moment) This is really slimy stuff. How do ya keep it on your hook? TOM Just grab a big handful and tie it on your hook with thread. Here, I have some in my tackle box. (Tom brings the container to his seat and, after he gets the thread from Tom, sits down. He then, with a wretched look on his face, grabs a handful of stinkbait, places his hook in the center, and wraps the entire mess with the thread. {The audience has to know that the eyeball is in this handful of imaginary slop}) WILLARD Kinda lumpy. (he throws his line in and wipes his hands) WILLARD (cont'd) Well, if that doesn't do the trick, I'm goin' back to worms. TOM I think you'll probably have some luck with it. HEY LOOK!! You're already gettin' a bite! (Willard reaches over, grabs his pole, and gives it a hard yank) WILLARD I got him! He's a big un! TOM Come on Willard. Get him in. Don't let him get off. (Willard reaches down and pulls up a prop fish hidden in front of Willard's chair) WILLARD Lookee here, Tom. (holds it up) TOM Way to go! That's a big un. He'll be good eatin'. (Willard takes the imaginary hook out of its' mouth) WILLARD Yeah. Hey! Maybe we can get together for a fish fry. (puts fish on stringer and throws it back in) TOM We might. But, I'm gonna have to do my part and catch at least one good fish tonight. WILLARD Dang. He swallowed every bit of my bait, too. (He re-baits his hook and throws it back in the water) There! Let's see if we can have a repeat performance. (He then picks his rifle back up and begins polishing it and doting over it) I guess I oughta go ahead and check the firin' pin on this thing. (he prepares the rifle for a test firing as he continues to talk) You know, to tell you the truth Tom, I'd rather Maude do this than me. I just don't wanna have to. I'm not even sure I can. TOM Yeah. I know what you mean. I don't think I could do it either. But, it has to be done. And whether Maude does it or we do it, we gotta kill 'em both. Ain't no other way I know of. (at this point the girls slowly begin to emerge from the tent to leave the campsite stage left) WILLARD Yeah. I guess things are past the point of no return, alright. When I draw a bead on 'em I'll just have to remind myself they're crazy and that it's just for the best. (by this time the girls are out of the tent and beginning to walk quickly off SL when Willard test fires his rifle) BOOM!! The girls scream and break into a run when they run into Maude entering the set from SL holding her shotgun at the ready. They scream again, turn 180 degrees to run off SR, but by this time Tom and Willard are there and the girls run into them, screaming once again. The girls then hold each other cheek to cheek and their eyes tightly shut.) SUZY Go ahead. Get it over with. Make it quick. WILLARD What in God's name are you talkin' about? What are you doin' out here? TOM Get what over with? PAM You're going to shoot us, aren't you? TOM What?! Shoot you? Is this a joke? MAUDE These your wives? WILLARD Well, it looks like them, but they're not actin' like the women we know. TOM What are you girls doin' here? Where were you just now? In the tent? PAM We were out here when you guys were in town and we heard Maude talking to you over the phone about shooting us and grinding up our bodies to feed her animals. SUZY And she's gonna make candleholders out of our heads! TOM & WILLARD What?! (the men begin to laugh as they realize what has happened) PAM What's so funny? WILLARD Maude was talkin' about shootin' a rabid skunk and pig that's runnin' around up here somewhere. TOM And she wants to borrow the meat grinder to make hamburger of the deer she shot this mornin'. WILLARD Yeah. PAM Well, what about the part where she said she needed to cut the heads off? MAUDE That's what you do with animals that you think are rabid. They have to study the brain to see whether an animal has rabies or not. SUZY Oh. So, uh....You're not gonna kill us, huh? TOM We're gonna have to think about that one for awhile. PAM I am so embarrassed. SUZY Heck, I'm more relieved than embarrassed. I thought we were stew meat for sure! PAM I feel awful for those little animals. Have you found them yet Maude? MAUDE Yeah, s'matter of fact I did. That's why I come back up here to tell ya. When I went back to the house awhile ago, there they were. PAM Did you have to shoot 'em? MAUDE I didn't shoot 'em for rabies, cause they ain't got that. But I might shoot 'em anyway for actin' weird. That skunk was curled up by the pig in the pig sty and they were both just snoozin' away. I guess they're okay. PAM Aw, that's so sweet. I'm glad they're alright. MAUDE Well, I guess they're alright for now. But down the road if I walk out someday and find little baby skunks with curly tails, I'm gettin' my shotgun. (everyone laughs briefly) SUZY We're really sorry about everything, Maude. I guess we just misunderstood....uh.... PAM Yeah...we just thought... MAUDE Don't apologize. Look...I know I'm different and people can misunderstand lots 'o things 'bout me. Fact is, that woman Clyde left years ago died and she ain't never comin' back. Besides, I'm happy livin' here by myself with my critters. They love ya no matter what and there ain't no strings attached. (beat) Well, gotta get back to the house. Can you bring that meat grinder by the house tomorrow, Willard? WILLARD I'll be there, Aunt Maude. MAUDE Good luck with the fishin'. (Maude begins to exit SL) SUZY Aunt Maude? MAUDE Yeah? (about this time Willard walks off SR unnoticed) SUZY I was wonderin'...I know you'd rather be out here with your critters and all...but, uh, I'd like to invite you over for supper sometime...if you want to. (beat) MAUDE Yeah, okay. Let me know ahead of time so I can freshen up a bit. SUZY I'll call ya next week. (Maude nods, then exits; Suzy begins looking around the campsite for Willard) PAM (to Tom) So you weren't going to kill me? TOM After what just happened, can I hold my options open? (beat) I am really disappointed that you could ever think such a thing. (Suzy realizes that Tom has left and sadly makes her way to the chair DS left and sits) PAM (turns away from Tom) Well, who could blame you if you did shoot me? I'm not a very exciting wife. I mean, at best I'm not much to brag about. TOM Now I'm really disappointed. (takes Pam by the shoulders and turns her to face him, lifts her chin to look at her) But, I'm disappointed in myself. What in this world have I done to make you feel that you're not exciting? I swear, everytime I look at that beautiful face I get the exact same feeling I got when I walked into that tag office ten years ago. And when you smile, well...I can't get much more excited when you do that. (Pam begins to blush with embarrassment and look away, but Tom reaches for her chin and turns her head to look him in the eyes) I love you, Pamela. And I don't deserve you. (beat as Tom shifts his stance and acts a little nervous) I have a very important question to ask you. I've been wantin' to ask you this for a while and, like they say, there's no time like the present! PAM What? TOM Well, I'm gonna be workin' extra hard at getting more business and you know that we're probably going to expand the business once I can work out the details for haulin' spring water. (beat) But, if none of that happens...if they lay a sewer line and our business goes 'belly up' and I have to go to work at the sawmill or somethin'....well...no matter what happens, I want us to have a baby right now. Is that okay with you? PAM (throws her arms around Tom and answers softly as she is overwhelmed with emotion) Oh, Tom. TOM Is that a 'yes'? PAM (crying) Oh, yes...yes... (beat) TOM (looking around) Where's Willard? SUZY I suppose he musta gone on home. TOM (looking around) Naw, surely not. Willard!? (Pam comforts her) SUZY That's okay, Tom. I think I sealed my fate when I threw that curlin' iron at him. (chuckle) I shouldn't a been so determined to move to Tulsa. You know, I can be pretty head strong. I get to thinkin' about what I want to do and it's all I want to do and I figure I ain't gonna let nothin' stand in my way. Not even Willard. I don't blame him for leavin', but right now I'd trade in all of my dreams if he'd just give me one more chance. (Willard walks onto set with a bouquet of fresh-picked wildflowers hidden behind his back) TOM Willard! Where you been? (as Willard walks closer Pam notices the flowers behind his back and immediately knows what to do) PAM Come on, Tom. I want to show you something. (motioning for Tom to get in the tent) TOM Huh? What? PAM Get in the tent! (Pam & Tom enter the tent and slowly you can see their faces appear in the tent opening which happens to be exactly between Suzy and Willard) (Willard is trying to think of something to say) SUZY I thought maybe you hitched a ride back to town. WILLARD No, uh, I'm still here. SUZY & WILLARD (both attempting to speak simultaneously and then stopping, starting again, stopping, etc) Look, uh, I just wanted to say, uh... SUZY You go first. WILLARD I'm not very good with words, Suzy, you know that. (beat) (he then holds the flowers out) Please don't leave me. SUZY Oh, Willard. They're beautiful. (Suzy is overcome with emotion as she takes the flowers) WILLARD If I knew a bunch of fancy words I'd say 'em. But, all I can think of to say is...Please don't leave me. You're the only woman I've ever loved and I'm 'fraid I won't never find no one else. SUZY I want to stay here with you Willard. I was afraid after today you wouldn't want me anymore. I really do want to stay here and wait for that chair at Bertha's to open up. The only place I know that I am really gonna be happy is with you. WILLARD (scratches his head) Well, there's been a slight change. SUZY What? WILLARD We're leavin' Hayfield and movin' to Tulsa, Suzy. SUZY No. Honestly, Willard. I really do want to stay here. I promise I'll be happy and I won't say any more about my stupid little dreams...sometimes I just take them too seriously and.... (Willard interrupts by putting his hand gently over Suzy's mouth momentarily) WILLARD Suzy, listen...I don't have my job at the mill anymore. SUZY What?! WILLARD I quit. SUZY But, why? WILLARD Because, I love you and I want you to be happy. I realized that when you're not happy, I'm not either. And I'm sure not gonna let my stupid little fears get in the way of our happiness. SUZY But, Willard, you quit your job! What are we gonna do? WILLARD When me and Tom went to the house this afternoon, I called Mr. Hanson at the mill. I told him my situation and what I wanted to do and he helped me. SUZY He helped you...and then you quit him? WILLARD He made a call to one of his customers and got me a job at a big lumber yard in Tulsa. Maybe the biggest! I'll be makin' more money there just startin' off than I do right now at the sawmill. SUZY Well, that's wonderful, but... WILLARD No buts. The bottom line is...We're movin' to Tulsa, honey, and you're gonna to be the best danged hairdresser in Oklahoma, maybe the United States. (Suzy puts a hand over her mouth with joy) And, I don't care what we gotta do, you're gonna own your own beauty shop one of these days. SUZY Oh, Willard! (they embrace) WILLARD I want you to follow your dream, honey, 'cause I love you. SUZY Oh, Willard. Bein' a hairdresser and ownin' my own beauty shop is somethin' I've wanted to do for so many years, but to be honest, my dream came true a long time ago at a VFW dance. (they kiss and embrace) SUZY Okay, I'll agree to all of this on one condition. WILLARD Uh oh. What's that? SUZY That you'll take night classes at Vo-Tech to be a master mechanic and go to work at Fred Jones Ford. WILLARD But....look....we can't afford... SUZY (cuts him off with a gentle hand to the mouth) Ah ah ah....That's the condition. (extends her hand to shake) Agreed? (beat) WILLARD Agreed. (instead of shaking Suzy's hand Willard embraces her and says softly...) Thank you, honey. (beat) WILLARD (cont'd) Oh, by the way...Mr. Hanson said to tell you that his wife, Mabelle, wants to hire you to come over to their house and give her a makeover. She said you can do anything you want, but that she was gonna pass on the permanent...don't know why... SUZY I love you, Willard. PAM (Pam is also caught up in the moment and asks this question as if they are Outside the tent and standing face to face) Can we come out now? (Suddenly realizing she and Tom have been 'caught' eavesdropping she quickly pulls her head back into the tent and asks the same question audibly louder as if she is oblivious to what has just happened) (yelling) Are you guys finished? Can we come out now!!?? SUZY (with a laugh) Come on out you guys. (Pam and Tom exit the tent) Did you guys here anything we talked about? PAM & TOM (attempting to act innocent) Uh...a little bit...bits and pieces....not much... PAM I'm so happy for you two. (Pam gives Suzy a hug; Tom shakes Willard's hand) SUZY And I'm happy for you. (beat) Do you guys mind if we use the tent for a little while? PAM & TOM Oh, course not...no....go ahead.... SUZY (taking Willard by the hand) Let's go darlin. It's time for your pill... WILLARD Okay, sweetheart, but there's a real good chance I ain't gonna need it... (about this time Maude walks back into camp) MAUDE Sorry to barge in like this again, but I meant to ask you 'while ago...any of you kids seen my eyeball? (Suzy to center with a smile on her face while Willard stays at tent entrance) TOM & WILLARD (adlib) No, Maude...we thought you musta already found it. PAM Suzy and I know where it is. (looking at Suzy with a smile) Shall we Suzy? (the girls walk to where the stringer is and both grab hold and lift the fish out of the water) TOM & WILLARD What are they doin'?.....What's goin' on....What in the world! SUZY Hey, Willard. Remember what happened to Mrs. Stumpp? Well, grab your knife. Here's one eyeball that ain't gettin' away! END OF PLAY