The Christmas Party A Play by Eric Geyer Copyright 1995 Eric Geyer 2405 Rio Grande #211 Austin, TX 78705 512-478-9767 1(Lights up on a living room. A number of couples are milling about, chatting. The audience can barely hear their conversation. It is preferable that they are all wearing matching outfits; the men in blue shirts and khaki slacks, the women in party dresses. The men hold a drink in one hand and the other hand in their pocket. The women hold their drinks with both hands. None of this has to happen but it would certainly look neat. JOHN and DIANA approach the front door in a bit of a hurry.) John I knew we should have left early, just in case. Diana I don't think anyone's going to notice. John Last thing I need is them thinking I'm not prompt. Diana It's okay, honey. We're here. John Like I've got some kind of problem with being late or something. Diana John, are you okay? John Of course, honey. I just want to make a good impression, that's all. You know how it is. Diana Right. John Last thing I need is for them to-you know, get the wrong idea. Once I get settled in, of course- Diana I know. Just try to relax. John Why? Do I look tense? Diana Well, (pause) no. It's just that you- John 'Cause these guys can tell if you're nervous. Diana Just be yourself. I'm sure we'll do alright. John They're perceptive. They pick up on things like that. Diana John, are you sure you're okay? John Last thing I need is for them to-(checking his watch) Jesus. (almost ringing the doorbell) Are you okay? Diana Yes, dear. John Alright, then. (JOHN rings the doorbell. As STEVE, the host, opens the door, the party becomes audible.) Steve John! Merry Christmas. Great that you could make it. John Thanks for having us. This is my wife, Diana. Diana Nice to meet you. Steve Hey, John. You never told me you were married. Well, nice to meet you, Diana. Come on in and make yourselves at home. Diana It's a great house. Steve Thanks. Just finished putting in the new bathroom tile. Now, I want you to meet everyone. I've gotta go get some more chips in the kitchen real quick. Oh, listen. Kinda got some bad news. John Really? Steve Well, you know, it's one of those things and, well- John What is it? Steve Kind of an unexpected thing for everybody, I guess. Diana What happened? (STAN butts in.) Stan Steve, if you're gonna go to the can, better get on yer horse, knowhatimean? I just finished some business in there myself. For some reason, the line just got shallow. Steve Uh-oh. Gotta go. Great that you could make it, guys. Stan Hey, nice tile in there. Steve Oh, thanks. (STEVE exits to the bathroom.) Stan (turning to JOHN and DIANA) Stan Jennings. John John Maxwell. This is my wife, Diana. Stan A pleasure, miss. Helluva party, huh? Diana Sure. Nice to meet you. Stan (to JOHN) So, you at the office with Steve? John Yeah. What department are you? Stan Lawn and Garden. John We have a Lawn and Garden department at the office? Stan How the hell should I know? I work at the hardware store. Bah-ha-ha-ha! I don't work at your office! Ha! Oh, nilly. That was rich. John Ha. Stan Nah, Steve and I are ol' college buddies. Michigan State. Yeah, we were the guys, knowhatimean? Started the whole thing. You know how it is. Well, guess you heard what happened. John What? Stan You haven't heard? Diana No, what happened? Stan What, ya been under a rock? Ha! Yep. (he swigs his drink) John What is it? We don't know. Stan Aw, golly. This drink is warm. Think I could get some ice, right? You know how it is. Well, see ya around, folks. (STAN exits toward the kitchen.) John What was that all about? Diana I wonder if they were both talking about the same thing. John Do you think it has anything to do with the job? Diana You don't think it has anything to do with us, do you? John Isn't it strange that neither one of them told us? Diana John, I think we're getting a little paranoid. It's probably just nerves. John Perhaps. Perhaps. (JACK and JILL walk up.) Jack Hey, John! Merry Christmas. Great that you could make it. John Thanks, Jack. Merry Christmas. Jack And this is my wife, Jill. John Nice to meet you. This is my wife, Diana. Diana Hi. Nice to mee- Jack (to JILL) John's the New Guy at the office. Just started a couple weeks ago. Jill Oh. That's so nice. How do you like it? John Well, so far it's- Jack Aw, we're always razzin' him about bein' the New Guy, right John? I tell ya. Jill And what do you do, Diana? Diana Well, right now I'm at home. Working. John Just moved into the house. Diana So I'm working on getting things in order. Jill Oh, how nice. I'm sure it's a great house. Jack Tell 'em what you do, Jill. Jill Oh, I go to parties with my husband. Diana Oh, I see. Jack So, John, how 'bout what happened, huh? Can you believe that? John Well, actually, it's a funny thing. We don't even know what happened yet. Jack You don't? You don't know at all? John Well, we just got here. It's funny, actually- Jack Kinda outta the loop then, aren'tcha? (A very awkward pause.) Ha! Just joshin' ya around, Johnny. Always joshin' around with the New Guy. John Ha. So, really, what happ- Jill Jack, honey, I'm parched. Can you fetch me a drink? Maybe some water? Jack Sure, Jill. How much do you want? Jill Oh, a lot. I could probably drink a whole pail. Jack Well, I'll see what I can do. Although, I don't know what it's gonna be like in there, given what happened and all. Jill Great. Thanks, honey. Jack See ya later there, New Guy. (JACK exits to the kitchen.) John So what exactly happened, anyway? Jill I can't believe you haven't heard about it already. See, the- (STAN is overheard in the middle of a story.) Stan So this chick says, "Listen, you rat bastard, I was drunk when I said that and now that I can see straight, the answer is no!" (Inexplicably, a lot of people laugh at that. Meanwhile, JILL is swept away by someone else and JOHN and DIANA are left alone, still in the dark.) John What the hell is going on around here? Are all the office parties this cryptic? Diana Honey, are you alright? John Jesus. Now I'm really confused. Diana Try not to worry about it. John Did you hear what he said about me being out of the loop? What the hell was that? Was he joking or what? Diana Honey, let's not jump to any conclusions. Someone has to tell us eventually, right? John I mean, was that his idea of a joke? Diana I think he was just- John Well, someone's got to tell us something eventually, don't they? Diana Right. (DAVID and MORRIS approach.) David John! Great that you could make it. John Merry Christmas. David Helluva party, huh? John Sure. David Hey, I got someone I want you to meet. Morris Davidson, John Maxwell. John Nice to meet you. Morris Likewise, Tom. David John's the New Guy at the office. Morris Oh, you're at the office with Dave. John Right. This is my wife, Diana. David David Morrison. Morris Morris Davidson. Nice to meet ya. Diana Nice to meet you. David Well, I was just talkin' to Davidson here about what's been going on down at the office lately. (to JOHN) Can you believe Dawson's memo? I mean, what does he want us to do, reorganize the WHOLE database? Who does he think he is, SIMMONS?! (Everyone laughs except DIANA, who is trying to keep up.) (to DIANA) So, has John here told ya what kinda crazy stuff goes on down at the office? Diana No, not really. David Like just the other day this client comes in and he wants us to do something for him, right? So we tell him, "Okay, we will." So then we have some meetings, we plan things out a bit, then we show this client what we've got. Well, this guy wants us to do a few changes, he says. So we do 'em. Then he pays us. I tell ya, stuff like that happens all the time down at the office. Diana That's really interesting. Morris So, Tom, how do ya like bein' the New Guy? John Well, so far it's- David How do you like the party? Morris Of course, it's not like all the other office parties. Not after what happened. John You know, it's interesting that you brought that up. I was wondering- David What? John Well, just a point of clarification, really. (MORRIS whispers something in DAVID's ear.) David Well, we gotta run. Good too see ya, John. Morris Nice to meet ya, Tom. (DAVID and MORRIS whisk off to another group.) John What's with all the whispering? Diana I think it was probably something to do with those people. John Who were they talking about? Diana I think it was probably something to do with- John What's going on around here, anyway? Diana Why didn't you tell that guy your name isn't- (STAN butts in.) Stan You serve in Korea? John No. Stan Never mind. (STAN goes back to whoever he was talking to.) John What is it with everybody? Diana I don't know, honey. John Do they not realize what's going on? Why won't anybody tell us, for chrissakes? Diana Maybe we're not supposed to know. John Or is it that we're just not supposed to know or something? Is that it? What is it, some kind of test? Diana What I meant was- John Something's going on here. I've got to figure out some other way to find out what happened. Diana Why don't we just ask someone? John Let's split up. Diana What? John You take the west part of the living room, I'll take the east. Try to ascertain bits and pieces of information-whatever you do, don't let on that you don't know what happened. I don't need the Big Guys under the impression that I'm out of touch or that I'm out of the loop or whatever. Diana Okay, dear. If it'll make you feel better. Just try to calm down, okay? John Right. When I give the signal, start mingling. (He gives the signal. JOHN and DIANA mingle. JOHN spots TOM and DICK and approaches them.) Dick ...so then Anderson stands up right in the middle of the board meeting and says "I've had it with all of you. I hate working in this ridiculous office. How can you people stand it day-in and day-out? You're all nothing but a bunch of lifeless middle management jerks." (They both have a good laugh over that one.) Well, everybody thought it was just totally hilarious. Of course, you're in investments, Dick. You know how it is. Tom Right, I certainly do. John (butting in) Oh, of course. Tom Thomas Richards. Dick Dick Thomas. Nice to meet ya. John Right. John Maxwell. Nice meeting you guys. So, who are you guys at the office with? Dick (to TOM) So anyway, the thing about banking is: people hate you. Tom Right. Dick I mean, you tell a guy, "Hey, you need to invest." He says, "Fuck you," right? Tom Sure. Dick I mean, what is it? Me? Tom Nah. John Of course not. Dick I'll tell ya what it is. People don't understand the concept of investment. The idea of it, I mean. Conceptually. Tom Uh-huh. Dick Remember the L.A. riots? All those guys throwing chairs through the store windows? And everybody's lootin' TVs, right? Hey, lemmee tell ya somethin'. TVs don't last. Tom They devalue is what they do. Dick Right. But everybody wants TVs. Now I'm sittin' there on the couch watchin' it on the news and I'm thinkin' hey, what about some stamps? I mean, you keep a good stamp collection long enough, you get a little return on your investment. Good stamps, I mean. Tom Not just regular postage stamps. Rare stamps. Dick Right. Like some Zeppelins or a Penny Black or whatever. Tom There's all kinds of stamps. Dick Right. You get something like that in mint condition, it's a good investment, right? John And they're easier to carry, too. (They don't think that's very funny.) Dick But you didn't see too many people lootin' the stamp joints, I'll tell ya that right now. People don't care. That's the problem. Tom What can you do? Dick Nothing. You can't do anything. Tom Right. John So, I guess you guys heard about what happened. Tom What? John The thing that happened here...tonight...earlier. Dick That? Oh, sure. Tom You kidding? Everybody knows. John Really? Dick Sure. I can't imagine how anyone at this party wouldn't know about it by now. I mean, everyone's talking about it. John Everybody, huh? Tom Yeah. It's really puttin' a damper on things. Dick So to speak. Tom Right. (They both have a good laugh over that one.) John (to himself) I knew we should have left early. Dick What'samatter? John Well, (struggling) suppose someone didn't know exactly what happened. Tom What do you mean? John Well, I'm here with my wife and we got here a tad late and to be quite candid about the whole thing- Dick You mean you don't even know? John Not the whole story. Dick What's not to know? I mean, it's pretty simple. Tom Things like this happen. Dick What can you do? Tom You can't do anything. John Well, to be even more candid, I know absolutely nothing about what happened so I'd appreciate it if- Tom So you just wanna know what happened? John Exactly. I'm really very curious. Dick Well, basically, the- (STAN butts in.) Stan Hey, guys. You seen the new secretary? Tom At whose office? Stan Who cares. She's a knockout. Dick Oh, really? Stan I'm talkin' hubba-hubba-dabing-bang, knowhatimean? (confidentially) I heard she had to have breast reduction surgery. As far as I can tell, the operation was not a complete success. (Everyone has a good laugh over that one.) Who wants to go spill wine on her dress and then follow her to the bathroom? Dick I'll do it! Hell, I'm in banking. We don't have any ethics! (The three men scurry off, leaving JOHN to search elsewhere. DIANA is wandering through the room. She approaches the chips and dip table, where NICK is hanging around, swigging a scotch and eating cheese sticks.) Nick How's it goin'? Diana Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. I'm John's wife, Di- Nick Shitty party, huh? Diana Excuse me? Nick I said, it's a shitty party, huh? Diana I don't know. It's okay, I guess. We just got here. Nick So, where you been all my life? Diana Oh, I'm from New Hampshire. Nick Right. You with somebody tonight? Diana I'm with somebody forever. He's an engineer. Nick Right. How long ya been hitched? Diana Eight months. Nick That's very nice. Diana Thanks. Nick Thrill gone yet? Diana What? Nick Thrill gone yet. That's what they say. Diana I'm not sure if I understand what you mean. Nick Well, then the thrill must not be gone yet. See, if it was, you'd probably hear what I'm sayin'. But that's alright. Forget it. Diana Well, what is it? I mean, how will I know if it happens? Nick It's when you quit lying to yourself. When you start wondering if it's forever or just for now. One day, you wake up, you roll over and you say, "Who the fuck is that? Oh, it's him." But you can't quite get that question out of your head. Who the fuck is he, anyway? The real reason you feel so uneasy is because your worst fears are often the closest thing to the truth. That's why people try not to dwell on their worst fears. 'Cause they don't want to go to some party and have to say to some guy at the chips and dip table, "Why, yes, the thrill? It's gone." People don't work like that. Diana Well, I don't think my thrill is gone yet. Nick Okay...but if it was we could do it. That's the only point I'm tryin' to make. Diana Excuse me? Nick Hypothetically, I'm talking about. Diana Are you serious? Nick What? Who's gonna know? It'd be fun, right? You and me. Naked. Diana I don't even know your name. Nick Nick. Diana But you don't even know me. Nick Yeah. That's what I'm sayin'. You don't know me. I don't know you. Can you think of a better arrangement? Diana What about actually being in love with someone first? Nick Hardly ever works. And it's too complicated. Diana What is? Nick You know, the whole guy-meets-girl, courtship, marriage bullshit. I mean, forget about it, right? What I'm talkin' about here is your basic urges. You want it. I want it. So I figure-you know, when I'm pickin' somebody up, I mean-it's the first thing I should bring up. Diana Well, I don't want it. Nick Oh. Well, never mind then. (They stand there for a moment.) Diana And that's your approach to meeting women? Nick You'd be surprised. Some chicks think honesty is cute. Diana I find it hard to believe that that kind of line actually works on anybody. Nick Then this must be your first office party. Believe me, it does not take that much. Diana To what? Nick To find a lonely person. You just hang around the chips and dip table long enough and a one comes along. And yes, it's sad. But it's about the only feasible option that I have at this point. (NICK pulls out a rabbit's foot.) See this? A lucky charm, if you will. Every weekend, I go to one of these godawful parties and every weekend me and this lucky charm bring somebody home. Diana Well, I'm married. Nick Who cares? Diana Happily married. Nick Lemmee ask you something: if you like the ball and chain so much how come you're not with him right now? Diana That's not any of your business. Nick You're right. (They stand there for a moment.) Diana If you must know, he's mingling. He's rather nervous and he's better off by himself right now. Nick Good thing you're with me, then. Diana Why? Nick Because it beats the hell outta mingling. See, you don't gotta pretend you like me. You don't gotta act like I'm interesting or funny. And you sure as hell don't have to lie to me about how great a time you're having 'cause I already know you're havin' a lousy time. (pause) This really is your first one, isn't it? Diana Yes. Nick I don't think you know what you're gettin' into. Take it from a veteran, it's either talkin' to me or standing around with a bunch of stiffs cracking jokes about the fuckin' file cabinets. And believe me, you ain't got that kind of endurance. Diana Well, John is better at these kinds of things than I am. (SAL approaches JOHN.) Sal Helluva party, huh? John Sure. This is a great house. Sal Sure. You at the office with Bob? John Uh, no. I'm at the office with Steve. Sal Oh, I see. John What office is Bob at? Sal I dunno. John Oh, I see. So, who are you at the office with? Sal Louis. (he points at him) John Oh. (looking) I don't know him. Sal Right. John Well, who else are you at the office with? Sal Well, let's see, there's Phil and Doug and Carl. We got this secretary, Darla. She's a knockout. Boy, you should see her breasts. John Where are they? Sal Her breasts? John No. The other guys from your office. Where are they? Sal It's nine o'clock. They're probably at home. John Why aren't they here with you? Sal I work with them all day. Why should I go to parties with them? John Right. (pause) Listen, did you by any chance hear about what happened? Sal What? What happened? Somebody die? John No! I mean, I don't know. I don't think so. Did they? Sal What are you talking about? John The thing that happened? Sal When? John I don't know. I think it was right before we got there. Everyone's talking about it now. Sal Oh, that! God, I thought you were talking about something I didn't know about. Boy, I was starting to feel kind of out of touch there for a second. John Well, what is it? Sal What? John What happened? Sal Oh. Well, as I understand it- (Suddenly, SAL grasps his chest and falls to the floor. A couple of people crowd around him and help him to his feet. SAL recovers quickly.) Dick Are you alright there, buddy? Sal Yeah, thanks. I'm okay. Just gas pains, I think. Sorry for the false alarm. I think I'll go get some fresh air. Stan Better watch that ticker, Sal. Don't wanna check before Christmas, do ya? Ba-ha-ha! (STAN gives SAL a big slap on the back. JOHN scurries over to DIANA and grabs her by the arm.) Diana Honey, I was talking to someone. John Have you found anything out yet? Diana About what? John "The thing". Have you found out what happened? Diana Are you still worrying about that? I'm sure it's nothing. (STEVE approaches in a hurry. He looks troubled.) Steve You guys doing alright? John Oh, sure. There's just one thing. Steve Look, guys, I've gotta get back to the kitchen. Just wanted to check up on everybody. Have fun. (STAN walks by.) How are you doin', Stan? Stan Cool as a cucumber. (STEVE hurries toward the kitchen and STAN keeps moving. JOHN and DIANA are left alone.) John What is it with the kitchen? Everyone keeps going in there. Diana They're probably getting drinks. John What could they possibly doing in there?! Diana They're probably getting-John, are you sure you're alright? John Wait a minute. (quietly) Maybe it's in there. Diana What is? John Of course, if I go in there, they'll know I'm trying to find out because I obviously don't know! Jesus. Diana You know, you really shouldn't get so worked up. John Do you realize what this could do to my reputation at the office? "Don't give the promotion to Maxwell. He doesn't know what's going on. He's out of the loop. Give it to Hamelman instead." Diana Honey, you look a little tired. John Hamelman, what an asshole. (plotting) I've got to think of some other reason why I would be going to the kitchen. Diana How about to get a drink? John There must be something I could be doing. Diana (exasperated) Honey, why don't you mingle some more until you stumble onto something? John Here's what I'll do. I'll mingle some more, see if I can stumble onto something. You continue with your game plan. I'll report back to you. Diana Okay, dear. (DIANA starts to walk away.) John Wait for the signal. (JOHN gives the signal. JOHN and DIANA split up. JOHN overhears LARRY and PHIL chatting it up.) Larry So what's your office like? Phil Oh, well, we got some desks, there's a couple of phones, it's in this big building, we got a knockout secretary. Larry Does she have breasts? Phil Sure does. Larry Oh yeah, I've been to that office. So, how do you like it over there? Phil Oh, I could tell you some stories. Like just the other day this client's got me on the phone and he's gonna fax me something, right? Well, he forgets to ask for my fax number. Larry Wow. What did you do? Phil Well, he called me back. Then I gave it to him. Larry Oh, man. That is wild. I could tell you some crazy stories like that. It's always something unexpected down at the office. Phil Not like tonight, though. Larry Right. Phil I mean, you certainly couldn't have expected what's happened tonight. Larry Of course. But you can't expect something like that. Phil I mean, here we are, trying to have a party. We're trying to have a simple get-together here and something like this just plops right down and happens. Larry Right. One minute we're having a good time and then this... Phil It really puts a damper on things. John (cutting in) So to speak! (PHIL and LARRY don't think that's very funny at all.) Phil Phil Lawrence. Larry Larry Phillips. Nice to meet ya. John Hi. Nice to meet you guys. Merry Christmas. Phil Helluva party, huh? John Sure. So I guess you guys are talking about what everybody else is talking about. I mean, the thing that happened. Larry Sure. John Right. (pause) Could I talk to you guys about something? Phil What? John (significantly) I don't know. Larry You don't know what you want to talk to us about? John No, what I mean is, I don't know. Phil You don't know what? Larry What don't you know? John The thing that happened. I don't know what happened. Phil I thought everybody knew. John (impatiently) We just got here, okay? Look, it's urgent that I find out what exactly happened. (earnestly) Could you please tell me? Larry Yeah, that guy over there almost had a heart attack. John No! That's not what I'm talking about! Larry Well, everybody else is talking about it. Phil It was pretty unexpected, I'll tell ya that. John Just forget about the guy with the heart attack! Larry What'samatter with you? (STAN is overheard.) Stan And then she says, "Yes, as a matter of fact, a blow job WOULD be out of the question!" (Once again, there is a swell of laughter and LARRY and PHIL are drawn elsewhere. JOHN continues to mingle frantically through the crowd. Meanwhile, DIANA and NICK are still talking.) Nick So what do you do? Diana Well, we just moved into our first house, so I'm- Nick No, I mean, what do you do? What do you like doing? By yourself. Diana I used to play in the symphony. Nick Oh yeah? Diana In New Hampshire. Nick What did you play? Diana Well, you've probably never heard of it. Nick C'mon, try me. You'd be surprised. Diana The contrabass sarrusophone. Nick The what? Diana It's a brass instrument. It's sort of like a saxophone. Well, it looks like a saxophone. Nick Right. So what happened to the symphony? Diana Well, John got the job here so we moved. The symphony here doesn't ever really use a contrabass sarrusophone. Nick So you just quit? Diana Well, it was a great opportunity for him-well, for both of us, you know? Nick Right. You want of these cheese stick things? Diana Sure. (DIANA begins eating the stick. NICK notices a plastic ring on her finger.) Nick Nice ring. Diana Oh, isn't it great? It's my engagement ring. When John proposed, he had just finished graduate school-this was just a little while before he found out about the job. We were so broke. He had all kinds of bills. Nick You didn't have any money? Diana Playing the sarrusophone is not very lucrative. Nick I see. Diana Anyway, he took me out to the park and we're standing in front of this fountain and he pulls this out. I started laughing and then when I realized what was going on I started crying. Nick Smooth. Diana He said, "As soon as we're settled, I'll buy you whatever ring you want. In the meantime, I don't want to wait for you." Nick What a guy. Diana It was so romantic. I'll never forget that night. Nick Well, you got the house. Where's the ring? Diana Oh, things have been so hectic lately. Besides, I can wait. Actually, if you want to know the truth, I think this one is perfect. Nick Well, you did say you were happily married. Diana Yeah. Nick He seems a little tense. Diana I think he's just preoccupied. He's very directed, you know? I really admire him-he really knows what he wants. We're very supportive of each other. Tonight the important thing is that he-well, we make a good impression. Nick His job's pretty important, huh? Diana Yes, very important. Nick What about you? Diana Well, I suppose I'm also nervous about making a good impression. Nick I mean, how important are you? Diana What are you saying? Nick Nothin'. Diana I'm important. (pause) I'm very important. Nick Well, you'd know better than I would, right? Diana Right. Nick Okay. (pause) You just seem kinda uncomfortable here, that's all. Diana I've never been comfortable at these types of functions. Nick Well, ya get used to it. Diana Like I said, John gets along better in these situations. Nick Right. The go-getter, mover-and-shaker type. Diana He's a lot deeper than that. Nick I didn't say he was shallow. Diana Well, you act like- Nick Hey, look. I'm not trying to ruin your evening with this guy you're with. I'm just a guy at a party tryin' to pick somebody up. I'm just making conversation, that's all. Diana I hope you don't mind that I'll be leaving with my husband soon. Nick That's okay. The night's still young. (JOHN approaches DIANA, grabs her by the arm and pulls her aside.) John Who the hell is that guy? Diana He's just a guy I met. What's wrong? We were just talking. John Were you flirting with him? Diana Honey, of course not. John Well, why not? Do you realize what this situation could do to my reputation with the Big Guys? We need to know this information and if we have to re-strategize our efforts- Diana John, we were just talking. John Is he a reliable source for information? Diana Yes. He has a lot of interesting things to say. John Then you should stay on task. Diana John, why are you talking like that? John Do what you have to do. (JOHN scurries away. A PRIEST walks up to the door. He knocks and TOM and DICK answer.) Tom Hey, Father! Great that you could make it. Priest Thanks. Bless you guys and all. Tom How's things at the office? Priest Ah, we're swamped. The place is a madhouse at Christmas. Everybody wants to get in touch with their creator. Everybody wants to feel loved by a higher being. Everybody wants to find a level of spiritual fulfillment. Whataya gonna do, huh? Tom I hear ya. Priest It's like the other day. This guy comes in the confessional and he says to me, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.", right? So he gets goin'...well, he's taken the Lord's name in vain a couple times, he's got impure thoughts here and there, blah, blah, blah. Well, I says to the guy, say a couple of Hail Mary's, this and that, right? Then this guy wants to know if there's a heaven. I say, "Yes!" Jesus, I mean, would I be in the business if there wasn't? Tom That's crazy. Priest Eh, it's the holidays. Everybody's nuts. All the lines. Forget about it. Tom You said it. Priest I dunno. These sinners really drive me up the wall sometimes, that's all. Tom Right. Dick Hey, Father. You still got the same secretary? Priest Oh yeah. (He makes visual reference to the secretary's chest. The guys have a good laugh.) Dick Well, hey, tell her I said hello. You wanna beer? Priest Nah. Boss says I can't. So, where's the chips and dip at anyway? Hey Stan, they got chips and dip at this party or what? Stan Absitively posolutely! Right over here. Hey, Father, I got a joke for ya. How d'ya get a nun pregnant? (Meanwhile, JOHN is dancing with DORIS.) John I think people tend to ignore the struggle of that entire group of people. You know, back in the 80's, white, upwardly mobile, middle-class people were "yuppies". And with that name came a sense of group identity. But we don't even have a nickname in the 90's. I feel very disenfranchised personally. Doris Whatever you say. John I'm John. Doris Hi, John. I'm Doris. John Right. So anyway, how's it goin'? Doris Okay. (insinuatingly) Could be better, I guess. John Oh, really? You mean, because of what happened? Doris Well, not rea- John So this thing that happened must be upsetting you quite a bit. Doris Oh, I don't know, Johnny. Actually, there's something kind of unpredictable about a party where something like this happens. Frankly, (glaring seductively) I like the danger. John Are we in danger? Doris Ooo, I don't know. Are we, John? John (impatiently) I don't know. Are we? Doris God, you are so feisty. I love it. What do ya say we go into the bathroom and rub uglies. John What the hell are you suggesting? Doris Oh, come on, baby. It'd be fun, right? You and me. Naked. John Are you serious? Doris I mean, who's gonna know? John Well, for starters, there are people in line for the bathroom. Doris Well, we can't do it in the kitchen with all the people in there. John Do you realize I'm a married-wait a minute. What's going on in the kitchen? Doris Listen, this wife of yours, how much does she know about...things? John What things? Doris Honey, I'm talkin' about things. Good things. Lemmee tell ya hon, I know a lotta things. John You do? Like what happened tonight? Doris Do what? John The thing that happened tonight. The thing everyone's talking about. Doris You mean the guy with the gas pains? John No. The other thing that everyone's talking about. Doris Oh, that. What? Don't you know? John We got here late. Look, I know we're not supposed to know what it is...but...perhaps if you told me I would consider certain favors towards you. Doris You're saying you don't know about the thing that happened? John Absolutely nothing. Doris And you're gonna screw me in the toilet if I tell you? John I'm willing to negotiate something with you on this. But I have to know what happened. Doris But why? John It doesn't fucking matter why. I just have to know! And you're going to tell me, right?! Doris Honey, you're startin' to get weird on me. I think I better find me another employee. (DORIS begins to walk away.) John No! Doris, please, I was so close! (dropping to his knees) Don't leave me, not like this! You can't do this to me! Doris Leave me alone, creep! (DORIS walks away as STAN walks by JOHN.) Stan Smooth move, Ex-Lax. (STAN walks away. Some of the partygoers gawk at JOHN. Meanwhile, NICK and DIANA are still talking.) Diana So how does it work? Nick How does what work? Diana Picking up women at parties. Nick Who cares? Diana No. I'm interested. You can't tell me a few trade secrets? Nick There isn't really a system. You focus in on somebody, you say whatever you say, you hit it off, you go home. Diana What do you think about? Nick When? Diana When you're picking one of those women up? Nick Why are we talking about this? Diana I'm just making conversation. Nick I don't know. You think about the next step. Out the door, into the apartment, into the bed, whatever. Diana Are you thinking about that now? Nick (pause) Honestly? No. I quit doing that awhile ago. We're just talkin' now. Diana Really? Nick Really. Scout's honor. Diana I think that's a compliment. Nick You can take it however you want. Diana No, I'm glad that you don't have to talk to me in an unnatural way. Nick Well, I don't know what you're problem is, 'cause it works with everyone else here. Diana But do you really find that satisfying? Nick Satisfying? Well, it could be worse. Diana How? Nick Before I started doing this every weekend, I used to date Loretta. That was worse. We were pretty happy for about two years. Then bang. Diana What happened? Nick I rolled over one morning and I looked right at her and it wasn't her anymore. At least, not the person I thought she was. She changed, I guess. Diana I'm sorry. It happens, you know. People change. It's not anybody's fault. Nick I dunno. Sometimes I wonder whether it was her that changed or not. Diana How do you mean? Nick Like maybe she was always that person and I just didn't notice. Like I just wanted her to be this and one day I woke up and realized she wasn't that at all. So, I guess I was in love with someone who never existed. Kinda ridiculous when you think about it. Diana No, it isn't. Nick I dunno. Sometimes it's just the thrill, ya know? And that's all there is. And you just kind of don't notice anything else, until it's gone. Diana I'm sorry. Nick Yeah, well... (pause). Anyway, I decided I wasn't going to be the chump anymore. Now, when two people go in on a one-night stand, they both want the same thing and nothing changes overnight, except you're both a lot less attractive. Diana What about you? Nick What about me? Diana All the one-night stands? It doesn't have any effect on you? Nick Like what? Diana Well, doesn't it hurt? Nick Hurt? Not as bad as Loretta. And is it satisfying? No. But at least you know what you're gonna get. I mean, how satisfied can you be when you can't even tell yourself the truth? Diana I don't think you really believe that. Nick Well, you don't have to tell me what I think, alright? Diana I just think you're taking the easy way out, that's all. Just because you had something and now it's gone is no reason to spend the rest of your life sleeping around. Nick What do you care what I do? Diana What? Why can't I ask you a few questions? Nick Because it doesn't matter. (pause) You know, I don't come to parties to get a lecture. I come here to get laid. That's all. Do you understand that? (pause) Look, I'm not proud, alright? This wasn't my first choice. But what do you want me to do, walk out into the street and wait for someone to run me over? Diana That's not what I'm saying. Nick Well, you don't have to say it. Diana I understand how you feel, but- Nick No, no, wait a minute. Are you joking? This guy takes you to the fuckin' fountain and he's got his little ring and he proposes and- Diana What I'm saying is- Nick And you got the house and the company Christmas party to go to and you think you understand me? You don't understand shit about me. Diana Well, I'm sorry I tried to listen. That's obviously not what you want. Nick Jesus, I shoulda never started talkin' to you in the first place. Diana Well, I'm sorry if I ruined your evening by not fucking you. Nick Nah, you made my day, honey. This has been terrific. I've had a wonderful evening. Diana Yeah, thanks for a lovely time. I hope you have fun with one of the secretaries. (JOHN runs up and grabs DIANA by the arm, pulling her aside.) Nick Right. Just go on and have a nice life, okay? Just enjoy yourself. John Any progress? Diana I'm not finished with him yet! John He knows, doesn't he? Diana What do you mean? You still haven't found out?! John Let's both go over there and see if we can shmooze it out of him. Diana No. I don't want to involve him. This has nothing to do with him. John I know he knows. I bet he even knows we know he knows. C'mon. (JOHN grabs DIANA's arm and she reluctantly follows him to NICK.) John Helluva party, huh? Nick Sure. John John Maxwell. Nick Hello. John Right. Merry Christmas. Nick Thanks. John So, who are you at the office with? Nick I drive a cab. I don't have an office. John Oh... (slightly desperate) look, we've got to know what happened. Nick What are you talking about? Diana The thing that happened right before we got here. He has to know what it is. Nick You mean you don't know? John We have no idea. Nick But everyone was talking about it. John Right. We got here a bit late. Nick And you just have to know, huh? John Yes, it's very important. Nick Listen, Joe. Can I ask you a question? John Sure. Nick Why do you have to know so bad? I mean, if I were you, maybe I wouldn't go around asking so many questions. John But we're dying to- Nick Listen, you two. Take it from someone who knows. Have a nice time tonight. Diana What is that supposed to mean? Nick Because if you don't already know maybe you don't need to know. Maybe if you knew, you might not have as good a time. Diana How bad can it be? Nick I didn't say it was bad. Who said it was bad? John Tell us. Nick This way if you don't know there's no change that it'll spoil anything for ya. Right, Jim? Sometimes people are just better off not knowin'. Am I right? (he looks at DIANA) Okay. You kids have fun. (NICK walks away.) John Unbelievable. Diana John, listen to me. Maybe he's right. Maybe we should just forget all about this. Honey, let's just go home right now. John Are you kidding? You actually fell for that crap? Diana What do you mean? John I know that guy. I know his kind. He's a leech, just like the rest of them. I know how these guys operate. Diana Honey, why are you being so paranoid about this? John He thinks I'm just gonna give up and go home. Just like that. Diana Maybe he's right. All that about "maybe you don't want to know". John, I don't want to know what happened. Let's just- John I mean, who do they think I am, anyway? Diana Why don't we just go home and forget any of this ever happened, okay? Let's go home right now, John. John They can't keep it from me. They're so weak. I'm too smart for them. They shouldn't try to make a fool of me like that. Diana John, listen to me. Do you remember the night you gave me this ring? John They really think they can beat me, don't they? Diana You said I was the most important- John It doesn't faze me. I'm so much stronger than they are. I'm going to outlast them all. (JOHN spots the PRIEST. He rushes toward him, bumping into STAN.) Stan Whoa! Where's the fire, Johnny-boy? John (calmly) Get out of my way or I'll kill you. Stan See ya later, alligator. (STAN walks off. JOHN approaches the PRIEST.) John Father, can I speak to you in confidence? Priest I'm at a party. John It's very important. Priest Oh, alright. Lemmee go see if I can get some ice for this drink. John Father, it can't wait. Priest Oh, alright already. Geez. John (urgently) Listen, I've asked everybody at this party what happened. But there's something going on. I can't get an answer out of anybody. I'm surrounded by conspirators at every turn. These bastards. They don't care who they make suffer. It's disgusting. Now look, father. I've gotta know what it is. I'm a civil engineer. I can take it. Have a little decency and give it to me straight. What happened? Priest I just got here a minute ago. Did something happen? John (snapping) What the fuck are you talking about?! (He jumps on top of the couch in front of everyone.) Okay, godammit! I'm sick and tired of running around trying to find out what everybody's hiding from me. I know what you're trying to do and it won't work. So out with it. What happened? (STEVE enters the room.) Priest Hey, Steve. Steve Hey, Father. Good to see ya. Merry Christmas. Priest Hey, what happened? Steve Oh, ya didn't hear? The fridge broke. John What?! Steve So the icemaker's out, too, unfortunately. It's the evaporator coil, or somethin'. I dunno. John The evaporator coil?! Steve Maybe. Who knows what happened? I've been in there trying to get it to work all night but-(noticing JOHN) hey, what are you doing on my couch? Diana Oh, God. I feel so silly. Stan Ha. What a nutty development. John (looking around) You fucking liars. You actually expect me to believe this bullshit, don't you? You think I'm just going to mingle around and eat up this crapola you're shoveling out? (glaring) You cocksuckers. Stan What? The fridge broke. What's the hubub? Diana Honey, isn't this what you wanted? It was the refrigerator. Now you know. John Oh, you're in on it too, are you? Is that it? Diana In on what? John I should've known you'd be on their side after all the crap I've put up with all these years! Nick I thought you said you'd been married for eight months. John Yeah, but we dated for quite some time. Nick Oh, I see. Diana I can't believe you're acting like this. John Well, of course not. Not after you've been brainwashed by all these carney hypnotists. You're all sick. Sick, I tell you! Diana John, get ahold of yourself! John Shut up! I'm going to get to the bottom of this. There must be another honest human being who can tell me the truth about what happened here tonight. I don't care where I have to go or what I have to do. And when I find out what really happened, I'm going to come back here and kick every ass in this room. Good evening. C'mon, honey. Let's go. (JOHN walks toward the door, grabbing DIANA's arm on the way. Suddenly, on the way to the door, DIANA lets go. JOHN walks out the door. DIANA stares at the door for a moment. STAN walks over to DIANA and puts a hand on her shoulder.) Stan Diana, your husband's a loon. Wanna dance? Diana I can't believe this. (DIANA turns to NICK.) Could this mean the thrill is gone? Nick It could very well mean that, yes. (pause) Look, uh...I'm sorry. Diana Remember when I told you I was happily married? Nick It's okay. I didn't know either. Diana (pause) I feel sick. Nick I know. I...you get used to it, ya know? (pause) I think you'll be okay. Larry Well, that was totally unexpected. Phil Who could have expected that? Stan He went bonkers, that's all. Priest Eh, he's an engineer, right? Probably cracked from operating all those trains. (Everyone has a good laugh over that one.) Diana (rather insincere) Ha. That was funny. Steve Wow. You thought that was funny? You'd fit in great at our parties! Why don't you stay with us? Diana Really? Gee, I don't know if it would be appropriate. I don't know what to say. After all that's happened- (SOMEONE's on their way out of the bathroom.) Someone What? Did something happen? Everyone Yes. The fridge is broken and the New Guy at Steve's office who is also this lady's husband just went bonkers and left. Someone Godammit! I'm always in the bathroom when something important happens. Steve Diana, I know things seem confusing right now but we'd all really like for you to stay with us. For as long as you want. For as long as you can. Diana Well, the thing is, it's getting kind of late. All Staayyy, staayyy. Stan Aw, c'mon. Stay. Don't be such a wet blanket. Diana Look, you've all made me feel very welcome here tonight and I appreciate it. But I really feel like I should go home. (She turns to NICK.) I can't go home. Do you have an extra room? Nick No. Diana Do you have an extra bed? Nick No. I've got a little shithole apartment. Very cramped. Diana Well...could I stay with you? Nick You know what happens when I take a women home. Diana Does it have to happen? Nick Well, it usually happens. Diana I'm asking you. Does it have to happen? (He looks away from DIANA.) Nick Shit. Come on, let's go. Diana Thank you, Nick. Thank you for having me, Steve. I really should be going. Merry Christmas everyone. (NICK and DIANA walk out the door.) Stan Yep, the lady's got a point. Clock on the wall says it's time to go, knowhatimean? Hey, Steve. Helluva party. Steve Thanks, guys. And I'm really sorry about the fridge. Stan Don't sweat it. Well, Merry Christmas, everybody. Everyone Merry Christmas. (On his way to the door, STAN notices the rabbit's foot on the chips and dip table and picks it up.) Stan Hey, somebody left a rabbit's foot. Must be my lucky day, huh? (to DORIS) Whataya doin' after the party, toots? Doris Going home. (exit) Stan (pause) Okeedokie, Smokey. Great shindig, Steve. Let's do it again sometime. (The partygoers all agree, say their good-byes, and make their way out the door.) The End.