The Pay-off by John Arnold mailjohn@pacbell.net (copywright John Arnold) For K.D. "Bait the hook well: this fish will bite." - William Shakespeare FRANK - a hard-driving, bullying owner of a UHF TV station TED - his overworked, overwhelmed General Manager ALICE - an attractive, ambitious sales exec FRANK and TED are waiting at a table. Drinks are in front of them. FRANK (Testily, looking at his watch) Where the hell is she? TED (Placatingly) She's still got five minutes, Frank. She's always on time. FRANK Another irritating thing about that bitch. (Pause) Time to cut her ass loose. TED Whatever you say, Frank. FRANK Enough of this bullshit. TED You're the boss, Frank. FRANK It's a good thing you bring in the revenues, Ted, or I'd cut your ass loose, too. (Laughs, TED joins in half-heartedly.) TED You know, Alice really works her tail off... FRANK (Sharply cutting him off) We've been through all this, Ted. TED ...She's always above her projections... FRANK Not always. TED Almost always. FRANK Like I told you, it's her attitude. When she's out on a call, she represents me and I don't like some uppity broad representing me or my station. Time to cut her ass loose. TED ...Frank... FRANK She doesn't play ball. TED A lot of clients think really highly of her... FRANK (Testily) I've heard this before, Ted... TED ...And the staff, too... FRANK Can it, Ted. TED ...Whatever was between you... FRANK (Fairly explodes) THIS IS MY STATION, TED. MY MONEY. I DON'T WANT ANY MORE SHIT OUT OF YOU, UNDERSTAND? TED (Looks around, embarrassed) Sure, Frank. No need to get all bent out of shape. I work my tail off for you... FRANK (Takes a drink, pulls himself together.) All I ask for is loyalty - not anything else. You know that. I worked my butt off to build this station... TED I know that, Frank... FRANK ...And I didn't get help from anybody... TED I know... FRANK I had to beg, borrow and steal... TED That's right... FRANK And I made a dinky, little UHF station nobody ever heard of into a POWERHOUSE... TED I know you did, Frank. FRANK ...And I did it - alone - by the SWEAT OFF MY ASS. TED Everybody knows that. FRANK ...And I STILL RUN THE SHOW. TED You're the boss. FRANK (Takes a drink.) Jesus Christ, what's the world coming to when you have to waltz around to cut some broad loose? In the old day, all you had to do was cut the rope. Now you have to talk to twenty God damn attorneys. (Sharply) Do you have the check? TED (Pats his jacket pocket.) Right here, Frank. FRANK If it was up to me, all she'd get was her walking papers. TED There are laws, Frank. FRANK (Takes a drink.) Jesus Christ, what's the world coming to when you have to pay someone off to leave your employ when it should be a God damn honor just to work there! Tell me, Ted, what the hell is the world coming to? TED (Shrugs) I don't know, Frank. It's just her last two weeks' salary and commission... FRANK Even so... TED I hope we can just end this amicably... FRANK Hey, look, the ball's gonna be in her court. If she wants to keep it amicable, she'll take the envelope, smile, and haul ass. TED She has to clean off her desk... FRANK Get Theresa to do it - and ship it - C.O.D. (Laughs heartily.) TED (Half-heartedly laughs.) Frank... FRANK When you're out, you're out... TED She put in a lot of years, Frank... FRANK That doesn't cut any shit with me, Ted. When you screw up, you're out. TED (Shakes his head and takes a drink.) Not like the old days, Frank. FRANK (Takes a drink.) Nothin' is, Ted. TED Yeah... FRANK No sexual harassment and discrimination suits hanging over your head every time some employee gets a bug up his ass - her ass - and not so many God damn lawyers... TED Times change... FRANK Yeah. (Downs his drink and signals for another. Looks at his watch.) The bitch is late. Where is she, Ted? I've got things to do and places to go. TED She had a call. Maybe she got tied up. FRANK (Laughs) Yeah. That's what she needs: to get tied up. (Stands) I gotta see a man about a horse. When the bitch shows, let her cool her heels. I don't like to be kept waiting. (Exits.) TED (Wearily.) OK, Frank. (He takes the envelope out of his sports coat pocket, looks at it, then puts it back as ALICE enters. He stands.) ALICE (Giving him a quick hug, which makes him wince.) Sorry I'm a little late, Ted, but I think it was worth it. Looks like we may have the ThriftyCo account. TED Great. ALICE (Signals the WAITER.) Yeah, they were a tough nut to crack, though. The buyer was pretty skeptical, but I turned on the charm. (Slumps) You know, it's a lot of work being nice... (TED smiles weakly.) ...Especially when you don't feel like it. Of course, I'm not telling you anything new. Where's Frank? TED In the men's room. ALICE I can't wait to spring ThriftyCo on him. He told me there was no way I could get that account. I love to prove him wrong! (The WAITER appears, delivers FRANK's drink.) A Calistoga - with lime, please. (Turns to TED) Let me buy you a drink my friend. TED No - thanks. (Holds up his glass.) I'm still working on this one. ALICE OK. (To the WAITER) Thanks. (The WAITER exits.) So, Ted, what's this little meeting all about? Am I finally going to get the bonus I've deserved for two years? Or is my ceremonial walking papers? (TED blanches.) I know, Ted. And I don't blame you. It's been obvious for some time that Frank wanted me out, although God knows why, when I'm the only competent salesperson on your staff. (TED stares at her incredulously.) Ted - I have friends, you know. There aren't many secrets in that station, despite Frank's water cooler mafia. And, being a woman, you have to keep your back up against the wall around there... TED (Stammers) Alice... ALICE (Steely) Some people may call you a spineless wonder behind your back, but not me. (TED fairly jumps out of his chair.) You've always been fair with me - pretty much. So, I've always been fair with you - pretty much. This is between Frank and me. TED Alice... ALICE (Holds up her hand again, soothingly) Don't worry, Ted. I've been in this business long enough to know how the game is played. (Steely again) Just stay out of the way and you won't get hurt. FRANK (Enters, saying brusquely) Well, it's nice you could join us. ALICE Nice to see you, too, Frank. I was out making more money for you. FRANK (Sits, Sniffs at his drink.) Hmm. ALICE I got the ThriftyCo account. FRANK (Startled, looks at TED, then ALICE) Oh? Signed, sealed and delivered? ALICE Almost. FRANK Almost is only good in horseshoes, babe. ALICE You'll get it signed, sealed and delivered - babe. FRANK Call me old-fashioned, but I only believe something when I see it on paper. ALICE OK. (Takes a paper out of her briefcase, indicates) The buyer's signed off. FRANK But not the G.M. ALICE He will. FRANK (Looks at TED) Hmm. (Shifts a little uncomfortably in his chair.) You're probably wondering why we asked you to meet us away from the office like this... ALICE Not really. FRANK (Dumbstruck for a moment, then) You've been with us for (turns to TED) - how long now? TED (Simultaneously) Five years. ALICE (Simultaneously) Six years. FRANK (Wave his hand) Whatever. ...And you've moved up through the ranks pretty far... TED She was one of our best receptionists. (FRANK and ALICE glare at him.) FRANK (To ALICE) You've had a chance to get a lot of first-rate experience - that money can't buy. (He pauses. ALICE stares at him hard. TED shifts in his chair and mops his brow with the cocktail napkin.) You know, nobody likes change, but, sometimes, change is the best thing that can happen to you. (No response from ALICE.) Right, Ted? TED (Eying ALICE nervously) Right, Frank. FRANK (Expecting more enthusiasm) RIGHT, Ted? TED RIGHT. There is an uncomfortable pause. ALICE (Very cool) What are you trying to say, Frank? FRANK (Equally cool) I think you know what I'm trying to say. ALICE (Puts the ThriftyCo paper back in her briefcase and shuts it) Not really. Sounds like a lot of bullshit to me. FRANK (Visibly surprised) Why, Alice, that doesn't sound like you. ALICE (Smiles) I know. So, let's cut through this. What's the deal, Frank? FRANK holds out his hand. TED hands him the envelope. FRANK hands the envelope over to ALICE, who opens it, looks at the check inside, then places the envelope down on the table. She stares at FRANK. FRANK stares back. After a moment: FRANK Well? ALICE Well? FRANK I'd say that was being fair. (Turns to TED) Right, Ted? TED Well... ALICE (Slaps her hand down on the envelope) You know, Frank, this represents six years. Six years of being underpaid, overworked, ignored, insulted... TED (Nervous) Alice... ALICE (Sharply) Let me finish, Ted. (To FRANK) You know, you're right: I've learned a lot - and most of it from you. FRANK Get to the point, Alice. ALICE (Puts her hand on the check again) You know this is an insult. And, most insulting of all is that you thought it would work, that I'd just roll over and play dead. FRANK (Firmly) It's over. ALICE Oh, no, it's not, Frank. FRANK turns to TED and indicates it's time to go. FRANK starts to rise. ALICE Sit down, Frank. (FRANK stares at her incredulously as TED pulls him down to sit) FRANK (Shakes off TED's hand) Who the hell do you think you are? I'm not going to sit here and listen to this sh-- ALICE (Cutting in) Frank, I'm not going anywhere and I want to spell it all out for you because I know how you need things spelled out. FRANK You --- TED Frank! ALICE That's OK, Ted. Frank's not used to having people talk back... Anyway, first of all, you have no reason to fire me and I have every reason to file a lawsuit if you do. (Holds up envelope) Guess I'll just think of this as a bonus. Thank you, Frank. FRANK (To TED) She's crazy. ALICE Talk to me, Frank. Not Ted. This is between you and me. Ted's just another one of your sycophants. Sorry, Ted. FRANK ...Now, just calm down. This is just business. No need to get your knickers in a twist. No need to take it personally. It was a difficult decision... ALICE I'll bet. TED (Breaking in) Can I say something here? FRANK and ALICESHUT UP, TED! ALICE (Staring at FRANK) You're making a big mistake. FRANK I don't think so. ALICE You don't have one good reason to fire me. FRANK (Ticking them off) You're under projected revenues... ALICE So is everybody else. We're in a recession, Frank. FRANK ...Your expense account is way out of line... ALICE Compared to what? FRANK ...And I don't like your attitude. I expect my staff to be deferential... ALICE ...You expect your women to be deferential... FRANK (Turns to TED in exasperation) I wanted this to be cordial. ALICE laughs. FRANK Alice, don't take this personally... We've got to trim the fat. ALICE Then trim Harry or Len or Dave. FRANK At least they know the meaning of loyalty! ALICE I know the meaning of sexual harassment. FRANK I KNEW IT! I KNEW SHE'D THROW THAT IN MY FACE! Are you threatening me? ALICE I wouldn't call it a threat. FRANK ...'Cause if you are... ALICE ...More like a warning, maybe. FRANK I wrote the book on intimidation. ALICE (Smiles) I learned from a master, Frank. FRANK Look, it's a done deal. You're wasting my time. ALICE No. You're wasting my time. So, let's get to it. (Ticks them off, like FRANK) I know all about your under-the-table deals: the trade-out vacations, your secretary's red Corvette... How come I never got anything? Guess it was because I wouldn't put out. ...The bonus spots you ran for Dave Mancusco Motors, cooking the books, hiring the hookers... FRANK (Incredulously, to TED) She's nuts. ALICE ...And, when I was your secretary, taking your sports coats with the panties in the pockets to the cleaners - wouldn't your wife love to know about that? Your late nights with Joyce from Accounting, the adjoining hotel rooms, and bar tabs... FRANK So what? ALICE shrugs. FRANK You're bluffing. ALICE Try me. FRANK If you're stupid enough to think that you've got anything on me that I give a damn about, you're dead wrong. ALICE Oh, there's more. FRANK Oh? ALICE (Steely) If I go, I'm taking ThriftyCo with me. FRANK Oh, sure. ALICE ...And I'm taking the Furniture Mart, Save More Stores...and Dave Mancusco Motors. FRANK I play golf with those guys! ALICE Just like you've got inscribed over your bed: Money Talks. FRANK So? ALICE I'll take them to That Other Station Across Town - as you call it - and cut them a better deal - after I show them how they were screwed - by you. FRANK (Turns to TED) She's crazy. (To ALICE) Why would anybody want to stay where they're not wanted? ALICE Because I want to leave on my terms when and if I want to leave. I've worked hard to get to where I am and I want the recognition - and money - I deserve. You opened this all up, Frank. Not me. I've got the confidence of all those businesses, Frank. They like me. And, better still, they trust me. If I walk, they'll go with me. You can call any one of them right now and ask. Believe me, Frank. FRANK (Sadly) I'm hurt. Deeply hurt, Alice. ALICE Not very convincing, Frank. Save it for Joyce. FRANK (At a loss for words. Turns to TED, who looks blank, then turns to ALICE) I don't know what to say. ALICE That's a first. Look, you've played hard ball with the wrong person here. Don't make me deal my ace. FRANK (Helpless) Ted... (TED remains silent, looking ahead) TED (Softly) She's right, Frank. FRANK Jesus Christ! (Turn to ALICE, tries to sound tough, but crumbling) What do you want? ALICE (Trying to hide her elation, ticking them off) First off, I want a new office - Chuck's old office. It's just sitting there like a shrine or something. I want it. AND new office furniture. I want a car phone. I want new business cards that identify me as SENIOR account exec. I want a higher cap on my expense account. You've got me on your MacDonald's lunch plan. I want hands-off my accounts. I don't want Harry, Len or Dave snooping around trying to get scraps from my hard work. I want to use that trade-out for the condo in Kauai... FRANK (Turns to TED) She doesn't want much, does she? ALICE ...And I want a one-year contract. FRANK What! ALICE That's right. (Thinks) There's more, but I'll put it all down in a memo so it's clearer. FRANK (After a long, long pause) No new office furniture. ALICE (Holding in her elation) OK. (Holds out her hand. FRANK shakes very weakly. Looks at her watch) I better run. Gotta go back to the office and finish up the ThriftyCo deal. (Pause) Ted, it's such a pleasure doing business with you. Really. ...Well, gentlemen... (Stands) Don't bother. (They don't.) See you back at the farm. (Pauses,then picks up check.) Oh - and thanks. (Exits) FRANK (After a beat) Jesus Christ! TED (Shakes his head) She always seemed like such a nice girl. FRANK What in hell is the world comin' to, anyway? TED Not like it was, Frank. Not like it was. FRANK I need a drink. (Signals the WAITER) TED What are you going to do, Frank? FRANK I'm gonna have another drink. Why don't you do the same. And shut up. TED Whatever you say, Frank. FRANK ...Jesus Christ... What in hell is the world comin' to? (TED shakes his head in sympathy.) Blackout.