OTHER PLANETS An Alien Abduction Comedy (c)Greg Younger 310 W. 49th #1A New York, NY 10019 (212) 333-5039 Revision 3 - GPY Aisle 5 by Greg Younger Cast of Characters PAUL................................Early Thirties, Laid back, Been around. WOMAN...............................Any Age, a maniac/saint. MANAGER BOB.........................Heavyset Black Man SHIRLY..............................High Maintenance woman, Bob's wife. TOODIE..............................Regular Customer, Weight-Lifter YOGI DAVE...........................Regular Customer, White gowned Yogi JOJO................................Regular Customer, East Indian, M/F PATROLPERSON JEN....................Burly Lesbian Cop PATROLPERSON BETSY..................JEN's Lover and Partner PASSERBY 1 PASSERBY 2 (Scene: An aisle of a medium-sized organic supermarket. A large sign suspended directly above and center reads.) Aisle 5 Aspirin Herbs Diuretics Remedies Vitamins Tinctures Creams Powders (The floors are the typical linoleum variety. Soft music plays in the background a disheveled looking WOMAN enters, softly sings to herself as she roams.) PAUL (Entering) Do you need any help, ma'am? (No answer from WOMAN) (Long pause) WOMAN Peddle it. PAUL Peddle? (WOMAN screams and runs out) Jesus, Spock, have a little compassion...beam me up. Youre half human, arent you? (opens a box and begins counting its contents.) MANAGER BOB Howzit? Entertaining the customers? PAUL Consumers. MANAGER BOB (Emptying Box) Well? You want the job? PAUL Spinning on the dotted line. want me to talk to that Iawhasca ceremony guy? MANAGER BOB Funny boy. I did enough Acid in College. PAUL Different. Comes from the South American Jungle. Reported to be like five years of successful therapy condensed to three days. At this point... MANAGER BOB (Interrupting) What makes you think you need therapy? PAUL No significant other, no significant me no significance whatsoever. And I aint whistling dixie. My heart isn't what it used to be. Because of the last 6 years before I came here. Because it was just a sham. MANAGER BOB You tellin' me you didn't learn anything? Didn't do nuthin' at all? C'mon...you wrote me... PAUL Nothing important enough to change me. Spinning my wheels in cowardice, that's all. I assume nothing, and wind up failiing every time. MANAGER BOB You're seriously screwed up, m'man. PAUL I know that. Thats the one thing I know, but thanks for belaboring the obvious...I hate myself for it. Now Ill just accept I'm more screwed up than I ever imagined. My heart is dead. See it dripping on my sleeve? MANAGER BOB You're a... PAUL I never noticed pulling it out of my chest. Huh. MANAGER BOB Youre so... PAUL Gee really know how to beat a dead horse, dont ya? You c'n call me Ray or you c'n call me Jay but either way I'm still what I am. MANAGER BOB Alienated. PAUL Excuse me,... MANAGER BOB C'mon Paul... PAUL Excuse me,...... the inner thrill junkie is having a seizure. Course the inner father is busily suppresses it so I dont do nuthin inappropriate publicly. The battle rages on. MANAGER BOB You have an inner Shaman? PAUL Everyone does. Mines on vacation, evidently. Probably playing roulette in Reno. MANAGER BOB Poor, POOR brother. (Hugs PAUL) PAUL So, howzit back at cha', Boss man. MANAGER BOB Been doin' the do? PAUL Just like you hired me to. MANAGER BOB Good for you. Sure? I know this aint exactly your cup of tea. PAUL I just know the brew Ive been gulpin downs gave me a powerful ache. MANAGER BOB Stability might just be the cure. PAUL Ill take two, then. Whats the do wit you? MANAGER BOB (Pause) I'm blue. PAUL (Rising to put bottles on shelf) Now why would that be, brother boss-man? MANAGER BOB My wife is being sly. PAUL Paranoia. Try some... MANAGER BOB Paulie poo, this is serious shit. I'm feelin' a fear. PAUL (stopping) There's only one solution. (Pause) MANAGER BOB Grill her? PAUL No. Munch on a little lonely. (Pause) Or get abducted. Thats my hope. MANAGER BOB Abducted? PAUL Up and out. To other planets. Other planets swirling... MANAGER BOB There's no way out, and what you readin' that rag for anyway? PAUL It's called the Enquirer. Or the Spirit Guide or... MANAGER BOB You've already landed, the ship's bein' used for scrap. PAUL So there's nothing out there? MANAGER BOB You ain't askin' that. You just want a lift off from where your butt is. 'Taint likely that's about ta happen. Not the way you want, anyway. PAUL You're so sure what I want? MANAGER BOB As much as you are, anyway. PAUL Goes like this: I'm stocking the last of the Calcium, oblivious of its source like a good little American, then... the lights brighten. I shelve a bottle, blink. Turn. Look at the flourescents. Look again for a few seconds, then lecture myself about power surges. Microwave ovens shutting off. Or maybe there's been a drain all day so I got used to it. I go back to the box. Then, as I deconstruct it, The tingling starts. The type of tingle you get when somebody is behind you. Staring. Hard. I stop, but don't turn around. A second, a minute goes by, "Hello?". Hello? Silence. Nothing. Nothing but the tingle. Then a hum. Really deep. My head inches to the right. Suddenly, like a released muscle, theres a spaceship, and rather than freak out I recognize it's been there all along. I was just blind. I've already entered it, and my life will never be the same. MANAGER BOB Yo, What happened to the space-age hydrovita powder? PAUL Just came in, UPS. Large back order. MANAGER BOB MacLane must be in town. I'll get it. How bout you just put down your landing gear. You ever had Altzheimers? PAUL Knew youd understand. Wanna see my new Crystal? MANAGER BOB Im going, Im going. (EXITS) WOMAN (Enters) (Pointing a finger) You! THINK! PAUL Why me? WOMAN Beware! The tide turns! PAUL The tide turns... (In a small voice) Mother. Wheres my Hematite? WOMAN You will not escape this tide! PAUL (Into Microphone) Uh, Manager Bob, there's a screamer on Aisle 5, request backup. Or another channel. Either way... MANAGER BOB (Over loudspeakers) That's not the correct code. PAUL (Into Microphone) B-12?, X9? ...Um... (WOMAN screams) Nine one one? MANAGER BOB (Over loudspeakers) That's not the correct code. PAUL (Into Microphone) The correct code? MANAGER BOB (Over loudspeakers) The correct code. PAUL C'mon. WOMAN (screams) BLEEEEED! MANAGER BOB (Entering) Allright lady... WOMAN Yes I will go! For this now! MANAGER BOB Any now's good enough for me, lady. Be a good little consumer. Customer? WOMAN (Exiting) BLEEEEED! TOODIE (Entering) Oh man, oh fuckin' god I'm a needin' it today. Hey Paulo, can ya hand over a vita-6 with Garlic over there while I scope the new powders? PAUL Yeah. Right-o-roony. (Tosses bottle into TOODIE's basket) TOODIE Man, this shit-country dung heap call it whatever it is is just gettin' me to where I need it just...Is this really new? This Spirolina boost shit?...just to stay living I'm tellin' ya in no uncertain terms if this weren't here I'd be one dead slab a' meat. So I bet yer thinkin' why don't I just fuckin' take this incredible bod a mine to another polka in somewhere tother...if it's so bad. I'll tell ya, cause I'm tied. Up to my head in brothers and sisters family and doings on. I'm (over) my head! But.. (Pause) I'm needed, you know that, so... (Pause) I gotta survive in this stinkin' U S of Asskiss any way I can. And this stuff, if any fuckin' body has even the smallest jigger of a clue, is how to do it. (Pause) Say if it's not too much of your down-time, could ya hand over my usual Retin-A with the tetracyclic modified doohick? PAUL Sure. MANAGER BOB Nah, man, I got it. Anything for our consumers. PAUL Customers. MANAGER BOB Customers. TOODIE Yeah yeah...And there's a whole dirtbag of bad units out there just better be gettin' here. Hear what I'm sayin'? But maybe that's why this city's the way it is, no fuckin' bodys cluedNot even eatin' a coney dog! They can't see what from whatever. The poor shit in to what they need. Am I way off base here? Am I on base? Huh? Huh? PAUL Not even in the ballpark. TOODIE ...shinola's can't see bases for stands even if they were loaded. Jesus H.! PAUL Should I say amen? TOODIE Say amen and pass the psyllium. PAUL Are you an alien? TOODIE Isnt everybody? (Laughs wildly) No man no, Im normal Im normal. I am. Boo- fuckin'-hoo. Gotta go. Gotta dance the do you two. PAUL Toodles. TOODIE Gotta dance the do you two. PAUL Toodle-doo. TOODIE Gotta go. PAUL Toodle. TOODIE (Stops) Yeah? (Small pause) Ah got me again, my name's Toodie and you say toodles, just so I'll...I gotcha I gotcha. (Slapping PAUL on back) Thank you for fuckin' being alive. A life. A living human. Back at 'cha. (Exits.) PAUL Are we aiding and abetting that? Yeesh. MANAGER BOB Whaddya think he's like without it? PAUL I shy from speculation. MANAGER BOB A basket case. (Begins to scan bar codes) PAUL Oh yeah? YOGI DAVE (Entering) Smiling. PAUL Back at 'cha. Hey Yogi Dave? YOGI DAVE Yes? PAUL Something happened this morning, put me out of whack. YOGI DAVE Oh? PAUL Yeah, there was a woman who pointed a finger at me like an apocalyptic priestess and said I would not "escape the tide". Anything on the event horizon I should know about? YOGI DAVE Who is this you we are referring to? PAUL C'mon. I just want to get past some anger. She screamed this. YOGI DAVE If there is anger, watch it dance, but do not identify with it. PAUL But the cause of it... YOGI DAVE There is no cause and effect in perfection. PAUL Who said anything about perfection? YOGI DAVE You as a 'you' will never know. The personality, as an identified construct, will always be dis-eased. Give up being somebody. PAUL Yogi Dave, can't you help me at all with this without all the metaphysical babble? YOGI DAVE To a 'you' it may be such, to we it is perception itself. PAUL Oh, I give up! YOGI Good! Excellent! PAUL That's not what I said. YOGI But it is what you said. Your words belie you. PAUL I was exasperated. YOGI DAVE You as an wind may have been, but 'I' was never so. PAUL Yes. Is it possible to have a discussion, an actual dialogue with you? YOGI Of course, but who would be having it? PAUL Good point. Forget I asked. YOGI Forgotten. Mugwort? PAUL Bottom left. YOGI I thank you. (Exits) MANAGER BOB I wouldn't hang on it. Just a crazy. PAUL We're normal? MANAGER BOB Take a break if you want. PAUL Thanks, I believe I will. SHIRLY (Entering, with much flair) Hello hello. PAUL Hello. MANAGER BOB Hi. SHIRLY How's the game. PAUL It's a draw. Yours? SHIRLY I wouldnt know. I don't play any. PAUL Oh really? SHIRLY Yes really. PAUL (Beginning to exit.) Just a suburban housewife. SHIRLY Going on break? PAUL (To himself) Out trolling. (pause) (Exits) SHIRLY Guess so. Oh, he alienates everyone. Robert, I just wanted to drop the Volvo and trade keys. MANAGER BOB Uh-hmm. SHIRLY The keys? MANAGER BOB Sure. Here. (Tosses them to her) SHIRLY (Dangling her keys) Don't you want these? MANAGER BOB Uh-hmm. (Takes keys from her) SHIRLY Now I hope you're not... MANAGER BOB No. Just the brambles a' my imagination. (Stops working) I'm sorry. SHIRLY (Hugging him) I just wish... (Pulling away) Look at it, please. Please? The paranoia, the jealousy? MANAGER BOB I will. I will. I love you. PAUL (Entering, confused) Eh, um, does anyone know where the vitamin section is? MANAGER BOB Paul? Take a break. PAUL The car's in the far lot. The tide, the tide... (Exits) MANAGER BOB I worry about that boy. SHIRLY Oh, he's just playing tricks. (Exiting) I left the car in the far lot.. MANAGER BOB Okay. Sorry...again. SHIRLY Don't mention it. Ta-ta. (Exits) MANAGER BOB (Muttering while he works) I know you doin' it, I guess I just feel the distance. But if you're not you want to. There's another world inside a you. Spinning far far away from me. (WOMAN enters and stares at MANAGER BOB) Can I help you? (WOMAN continues staring, ignoring the question) I'll just be here. JOJO (Entering) Please excuse, can you die-rect me to the ground cumin if you would please. Im thanking you whole heart. MANAGER BOB This is the vitamin and herb section. (pause) JOJO Please excuse...is not cumin an herb? MANAGER BOB More spice than herb, at least here. That's how we designate it. JOJO Please excuse, could you tell me where it's designate would be? MANAGER BOB Aisle 14, near the front of the store. JOJO I understand completely. Thanking you for the time we have spent together. (Leaning towards him) Although this woman has made me full of nerve. Mental, do you not think? (Exits) PAUL (Entering) Oh Manager Bob, shes... (Sees WOMAN) MANAGER BOB Just ignore her. PAUL No Problemo. (EXITS) PASSERBY 1 (Entering, to WOMAN) Um...Hi...um... I just got directions from some guy in a like head towel over on aisle 12, next to fruits and veggies--um, ah --... Where are the like sanitary napkins? (Pause) Hello, HELLO...like they should be with the paper towels...but like he said, Aisle 5. Whatever, um. (Pause) So...are they like here or do you know and if not it's okay. HELLO, earth calling... MANAGER BOB Aisle 3. PASSERBY 1 Yeah what-EVER. As if. (PASSERBY 1 Exits) PAUL (Entering) Oh no. MANAGER BOB Chill. PAUL Cant. MANAGER BOB Sure ya can. PAUL You doubt me? MANAGER BOB It's my job to doubt everyone. I'm a manager. PAUL (Warily beginning to stock) Strange training films they got here. MANAGER BOB It's business. Always stranger than fiction. (pause) Is Shirly gone, did you see? PAUL Sure. She was near the frozen meat, last I saw. MANAGER BOB Laugh it up, funny boy. PAUL Relax. Why can't you let go? MANAGER BOB I'm possessive and needy. PAUL (Stealing a glance at WOMAN) And paranoid. Can't we...? MANAGER BOB I ever tell ya how I met her? PAUL No, You want to tell me? MANAGER BOB Sure I didn't already? I did. Well, maybe I didn't. Did. Didn't. PAUL Should. Shouldn't. Want to. Don't. Do. Don't. MANAGER BOB Do, okay? Listen up... WOMAN (Interrupting, suddenly in a rage.) WOE-MAN! (pause) I'm from the Pliedian system. Different. From here. (Pointing to MANAGER BOB) BEWARE! MANAGER BOB Do I know you? WOMAN Yes. You and you and you. You know me, we you. MANAGER BOB Do I? PAUL Do you? MANAGER BOB Beats the hell outta me. PAUL Well, instead of beating the hell out of each other, could you please tell me who this woman is? I think we should, yannknow, talk. WOMAN LIAR! PAUL (To MANAGER BOB) Me? MANAGER BOB That's what she said. PAUL Why me? MANAGER BOB Why not? PAUL What did I do? WOMAN Flip quadrant 1000. Become aware. PAUL Soap boxes, Aisle 7. WOMAN PREPARE YOURSELF!!! (She begins to chase PAUL. He flees from her.) PAUL No. No please! (MANAGER BOB is frozen by a space ray while the chase ensues.) No! Yes! Yes? Yes...My god, yes, I remember a planet long ago in one of my previous incarnations. No stop! (WOMAN stops pursuing him) Yeah yeah I remember now. Yeah yeah, sure as shit. Near Gamma Five in the Tremuthian Sector? WOMAN Tremuthian? What are you talking about?! (Enraged, referring to shelves.) DIE TO THIS! FLIP! DIE! (She disappears.) PAUL You do know her, don't you? MANAGER BOB (unfreezing) Well. Guess she didnt want any. PAUL What do you make of the idea that a context is just a collection of assumptions, and if you stop assuming you disappear? MANAGER BOB That was interesting. What's the answer? PAUL Ten, I think. MANAGER BOB You know, Paul, it hasn't been an easy road to where I am now. It's been a world of hurt and no mistake. You see your friends, all those around you, vanish when you train to be a manager of a medium sized Grocery store. Ya try to keep everything in alphabetical order. Watch for theft. But finally, I guess... (Pause) PAUL What? She...what? MANAGER BOB I just realized something (pause) I guess sometimes you're gonna lose control. And suddenly the Vitamin B- 12 being where the Calcium extract should be just doesn't seem to matter as much anymore. Then you begin to lose all hope. (pause) You'll get to the same place someday, Paul, if you seek a fine therapist and work on your problems. Ya gotta work really hard, dig... PAUL I give up. When is that CoDA meeting again? (Teasing MANAGER BOB) AA? No, CoDA. ACOA? Ummm...Ala... MANAGER BOB MB Fridays. Seven O'clock. Church of the Holy Resonance. PAUL Can I share? MANAGER BOB Ya got three minutes. I'm timing. Go ahead...now. PAUL I was a regular at meetings, 12 step meetings, for awhile. After becoming violent to material objects belonging to my lovers. I decided it was high time to take a good hard look. I knew my head's screwy. More than now. I'd get jealous...of her time, of her joys, of her life, and resented her saying she needed to be alone like it was a personal affront. Thing is, I thought she was an extension of me because she was mine. I was jealous of her thoughts, her private thoughts, because they, and none of this was conscious, were mine as well. (Pause..) MANAGER BOB One minute warning. PAUL Thanks... then the violence-- the stick, the shaft, and the boot. All the love, all the passion choked into resentment and the beginnings of shame.To think I could own her, own all of them---to satisfy needs--- like any good consumer, customer, consumer. Mine through Monogamy. MANAGER BOB Shit never stops. Just runs and runs. PAUL Oh, for one last bowel movement. MANAGER BOB As long as ya eat, there's gonna be shit. PAUL Ill stop eating then. MANAGER BOB Look on the bright side. A good voidin, with the right texture and duration, can be a real treat. PAUL I' m not sure how your last scatological quip relates. MANAGER BOB Learn to sing the blues, brother. (SHIRLY enters) The blues. Exit stage left. (MANAGER BOB exits.) SHIRLY Hi Paul. PAUL Hello Shirly. SHIRLY How are you? PAUL Fine. Well, Im kinda weirded out. SHIRLY Um...I know I shouldn't... PAUL What? Do you have any aspirin? SHIRLY ...but could I...well...we... PAUL Shirly... SHIRLY (Fishing in her purse for pills) This friendship...I'm beginning to feel we shouldn't have... PAUL It's been, Gee, about what...three weeks. And I feel it too but... SHIRLY I know, I know. It's wrong headed, morally...a mistake... PAUL I also know there are situations that transcend morality. What do you have? SHIRLY It's more than lust. Tylanol? Valium? PAUL ...the lying...both... SHIRLY I know...but... (Moving closer to him. Offering the pills.) Could I have just... PAUL What? SHIRLY Well... PAUL Say it. SHIRLY One kiss. To see what it's like. Again. PAUL (Moving towards her) Shirly... (TOODIE enters. PAUL takes pills from SHIRLY, puts them) (in his mouth.) TOODIE Jesus H. Christman you are not going to believe the doings tap tap tappin' at your fuckin' door dude. You will not grok this shit call me a liar. PAUL What? Um... TOODIE You really want it? (YOGI enters) PAUL (His mouth full) Whub? TOODIE Wanna blast your mind? PAUL Whud is it? Water? TOODIE It's gonna rear it's head any fuckin' moment. PAUL Wiww you juft tell mii? Duf anybody haf some wawa? TOODIE (pause) Whats the matter with your mouth? PAUL Wawa? TOODIE Whatever, hey man I'm too...buzzed. Is Valium non perscription? SHIRLY Dream on. TOODIE Cuz I'm throttled just about as far as I care to go. Man! The petal's stuck to the metal. Some gnarly bitch is jazzin' outside with a...you won't believe this shit...she she she... PAUL Whuuuuh... SHIRLY Pretend you just Valiumed. TOODIE Pretend ain't shit an' you know it. She's totin' a Mag, man. Cleared the whole street. PAUL Who? TOODIE Some screamin' bitch...present company ex-fucking- cepting of course-- not like all bitches are bitches -- but she's definitely one mean- assed... SHIRLY Bitch? TOODIE Yeah. PAUL A...guuh? TOODIE What up Gee, Pauley? PAUL She got a guuh? (swallows pills) Shes got a gun? SHIRLY Paul, what's the matter? MANAGER BOB (Entering swiftly) PAUL!! (BLACKOUT) (Gunshots) (TOODIE and YOGI DAVE are discovered standing amidst bodies strewn around the stage, global realities have exchanged places.) TOODIE Does anybody work here anymore or do I gotta make like a general public service announcement to get some fuckin' service? (MANAGER BOB gets up) That was weird. Hey Manager Bob, you got any of those B-16's with gel coatings left? I need to balance my reflexors. MANAGER BOB Try again next week. Youre fired Paul. TOODIE Next week? Next week? I'll be a basket case by next week, next week! (EXITS) (YOGI DAVE stares at MANAGER BOB .) MANAGER BOB You can pay on the 15th. Wheres Paul? YOGI Thanking you. (EXITS) MANAGER BOB (To Himself) Yeah Paul, I know. Got some serious hole in the backyard beggin to be filled up. But what dirt? What kinda dirt'll fill that kinda hole? My dirt? Her dirt? Dig up another hole to fill it? Nah. Nope. Nup. S'my backyard. An' I got one hole too many anyhow. 'Sides all the construction equipment... (pause) Turn it into a pool or somethin' mebbe. A clear bright rainwater pool...filled with manna from heaven. C'n take a dip any ole time a'tall. (pause) Ya gotta wonder why the big man yonder gave us senses sometimes. (looking up) Yeah, yeah m'man. I hear ya straight. Just for watchin' not for prayin'. See how the insides affects the out. (PAUL rises) There you are. PAUL Still a little shaky. MANAGER BOB Yeah? Did you hear me? PAUL Uh-huh. MANAGER BOB Will ya... (Brushes SHIRLY's body) 'Scuse me. Maybe ya can get Unemployment. PAUL I didn't know I could. MANAGER BOB Give it a shot. Probly wont amount to diddly. PAUL That's not my style. MANAGER BOB Your style full a' holes. PAUL Quantum Swiss cheese. Bob, it never was. Just one kiss... MANAGER BOB I'll put a medal in wit your last paycheck. Where should I send it? PAUL What? MANAGER BOB Who's the next of kin? PAUL Nobody. Ill go. MANAGER BOB But Im tellin ya, she's soft as a squishy banana. In the head. And soon or late you gonna slip on the peel. PAUL Not with your wife, your wife. MANAGER BOB Thats right, mine. But, it's your call for now. But doantcha be blubberin' to me 'bout it when you hit yer head. PAUL Not to worry. (Finds a note in his pocket. With consternation:) Just when you think, just when you're absolutely sure it's fine, you've made it through the storm -- a few repairs or maybe even an overhaul but intact , then the grand old U, the big U, the universe, says quietly below the din: "It was only the eye, only the eye of the hurricane". MANAGER BOB Well? PAUL (Hiding the note) Forgot to order more hempseed. A personal reminder. MANAGER BOB Wont be needin any of those anymore. (Exiting.) The blues...the blues... PAUL (Pulls out note again, reads it. Pause.) Why bother to live? Well, something's gotta happen, right? Can't just press pause, can I? Can ? Do I want to? I've known enough stagnation. For a few hundred lifetimes. Boredom and abandon and little else in- between. Why do I do...Why would I want... Pause. Please. I need a break, time out Im sorry Im sorry Im so sorry...oh just give me the remote... SHIRLY (rising) Would it be so heinous? (PAUL lifts up imaginary remote control, points it at her, and attempts to pause her.) What are you doing? PAUL Pause please. SHIRLY Paul. PAUL Won't work. Must be the batteries. (Holding back tears) Just doesn't work... SHIRLY You can't turn life off, Paul. It just keeps happening whether we like it or not.. PAUL Please change the channel. Now. Now. Or...or....Im ready. SHIRLY (Holding him) The dance of Shiva. (BLACKOUT, In a blaze of light, the Mothership arrives.) WOMAN (Voice-over) Differ the dance in daily affairs. 139 to 140? Chromazonal shift, quadrant T-59 to Z-42. 139 to 140. Shift dictated by dyslexic. PAUL (Walking towards portal) Dyslexic? WOMAN (V.O.) Primary objective secondary., Replace with learned subjective. Imperitive. SHIRLY (Oblivious to the Ship) Paul, it's allright. PAUL You call this allright? SHIRLY What do you want me to say? PAUL Anything except a borrowed phrase from your grab bag of cliche's. SHIRLY What makes a cliche' cliche' is the truth behind it. Can't you listen to that truth, instead of criticizing me? PAUL Yeah, and what if you really found a ship descending? SHIRLY What? PAUL What if you did, would you have the courage to step into it? WOMAN (V.O.) Flip quadrant Q-9000. PAUL Humility.. SHIRLY Paul? WOMAN (V.O.) Secondary redundant cell P-4U. Ignite! PAUL Ignition! (Mothership buzzes off, leaving him disoriented) What were you saying? What were you saying, what was I saying? SHIRLY Did you read my note? PAUL Hey...uh...Shirly, did you notice that all the lights went out and we rose about 4 feet from the ground bathed in a brilliant blue light? SHIRLY Are you high? PAUL I wish. Shirly? (She holds him up) Why does it take so much... SHIRLY Yes? PAUL To break through. (He faints) SHIRLY Robert? Robert! (Manager BOB Enters.) MANAGER BOB I knew it! SHIRLY He fainted, that's all. MANAGER BOB Right girl. You give him something? Besides... SHIRLY Only what he wanted. A few Tylanol, Valium, B-12. MANAGER BOB This time, right? Right? (Kneels to PAUL) C'mon boy, gimme a sign. JOJO (Entering) Me excuse, but... (pause) Why is man on floor? TOODIE (Entering) Pauly Paul, I need a colonic cleanser in a big-assed way... (Noticing OTHERS) What died? (ALL turn to him) What did I say? Geez, the Ibuprophins are on the top shelf, guys. Or if ya need somethin' stronger, and it sure as shit looks that way, ya can mix chamomile and Velarian root, tea it up, and chase it with a shot of Nyquil. (pause) Works for me, anywho. (pause) What's up with Paulo? MANAGER BOB I'm suprised you noticed. Paul? Paul? TOODIE Slap 'im! MANAGER BOB I already did. Toodie, could you... YOGI DAVE (Entering) Interesting. (2 PASSERSBY enter into the aisle) MANAGER BOB C'mon y'all gimme some room here. (ALL begin talking) I got it under control. PASSERBY 1 Should somebody like call an ambulence? (ALL murmur) PASSERBY 2 Or maybe the manager. PASSERBY 1 Duh. MANAGER BOB I am the manager. PASSERBY 2 You don't look like the manager. MANAGER BOB 'N you don't look human,. TOODIE Slap 'im. That'll get 'im up. (ALL look at one another) That'll do the fuckin' trick. PASSERBY 2 Slap him. If you're the manager, you can slap him. MANAGER BOB Already did. TOODIE Do it again. MANAGER BOB Okay. (Slaps PAUL) TOODIE Do it harder. PASSERBY 2 Yeah! ALL (except MANAGER BOB) Slap him! Hard! MANAGER BOB Boo hoo Toodie. (Looks around) Well... (Slaps PAUL harder) TOODIE Ya gotta WAIL on 'im! (Begins crossing to PAUL) MANAGER BOB (Fending TOODIE off) No! I'll do it. PASSERBY 1 He's the Manager. JOJO Let the manager do it, yes. It is his right. MANAGER BOB Okay. TOODIE Yeah, slap him hard! OTHERS Yes! Slap him! Hard! SHIRLY (Screaming) No! You can't do this! TOODIE Somebody shut 'er up! (PASSERBY 1 restrains SHIRLY) SLAP HIM! (ALL except SHIRLY and MANAGER BOB cheer.) (MANAGER BOB gives PAUL a big whack across the face) SHIRLY Robert? MANAGER BOB No, Shirly, I've decided. SHIRLY This is neither the time or the place. Let go of me! (Wrests herself from PASSERBY 1) MANAGER BOB I gotta trust ya. SHIRLY Robert... PAUL (Awakening) Did I win the lottery? (MANAGER BOB) Well I'll be damned. TOODIE He's up! (ALL applaud) MANAGER BOB Show's over. PAUL (Reaching up) Cant reach the top shelf. MANAGER BOB You're delerious, Paul. Take a deep one. (PAUL takes a deep breath.) PAUL I feel better. (PASSERBY 1 & 2, JOJO and YOGI DAVE exit) TOODIE Here, you dropped your note. (TOODIE picks it up and gives it to MANAGER BOB) MANAGER BOB What's this? PAUL Mine. I'll take it. MANAGER BOB Shirly? (Opens note) Shirly. No. Oh no. SHIRLY Doesn't mean a thing, Rob. He didn't take it seriously, why should you? MANAGER BOB I gotta go fill a hole. Least Im sure why it's there now. TOODIE What's it say? MANAGER BOB Divorce. Clean up, okay? PAUL Yeah. SHIRLY Robert... MANAGER BOB Clean it up. SHIRLY Let's talk about this then. MANAGER BOB Can we? Have we ever? TOODIE Whyzit say Divorce? That's fuckin' odd as hell to write just that like one word, especially that one. MANAGER BOB Clean yourself up. Everybody... SHIRLY (Moving to MANAGER BOB) I'm sorry. We can...can we... MANAGER BOB Clean it all up. SHIRLY (Taking MANAGER BOB's hand) Sorry. I'm so sorry. MANAGER BOB (Looking hard at her) C'mon. Lets take a look at that backyard. (SHIRLY and MANAGER BOB exit) PAUL Toodles. TOODIE Yeah yeah yeah, that's funny. This time I knew you were jokin' and saying what your were sayin' 'stead of my name. Boo hoo. (EXITS) PAUL Boo hoo, hoo. (Looking up) Hello? YOGI DAVE (Entering) Looking outside of Self? PAUL What? YOGI Desire, fear. PAUL The ship. YOGI Ah, Samadhi. PAUL Do you...need anything? YOGI I have all I need. (Exits enigmatically) WOMAN (entering) Are you frightened? PAUL Yes. WOMAN Do you consider yourself an honest person? PAUL You...youre an alien.... WOMAN Well isn't that just the Pot calling the Kettle black. (The world begins dimming) PAUL What the hell... WOMAN This is how your world really is, without the filters your society has... PAUL Please! WOMAN And people are nothing but dreams... PAUL C'mon! WOMAN How else do you want to explain it!? I'm listening. Well! PAUL I'm thinking! WOMAN (LIGHTS begin to rise) I can tell. You're dissappearing. See you soon. (BLACKOUT) (LIGHTS up on MANAGER BOB entering) MANAGER BOB You talk to her? PAUL (Entering behind MANAGER BOB) And I got bad duja vu' for a second. Really bad. (Stops) With the crazy. I talked to the crazy. MANAGER BOB Thought you were talkin' about Shirly. PAUL You through? MANAGER BOB Through and through as I sing the blues. PAUL Sorry. (They hug) What a fucked Mcxistance. MANAGER BOB (Getting to work) Heart's already broken, bubba. (PAUL wrenches over in pain) MANAGER BOB (Crossing to him) What? What! What! (Suddenly a Red wash of LIGHT illumines the stage. MANAGER BOB is zapped solid by WOMANs ray gun) PAUL Well? WOMAN Old patterns and new are mingling, there can be problems inherant.. PAUL What did you zap me with? Why? I...I... WOMAN Had no feelings for others. PAUL Like everyone else. WOMAN Youre not everyone. PAUL Is that my fault that I should be punished? WOMAN Soon you'll see the punishment as your life thus far. PAUL Back to my point... WOMAN Too sharp.Your feelings are manufactured. All facade. Vulnerability, mistakes, human, organic, of the earth, fragile and mutable. You deny your machine its qualities. This is our mission...on Mother... PAUL Cut to the main announcement, if there is one. (Doubles over) No! Flip quadrant? WOMAN Humility PAUL FLIP! (WOMAN exits) Hello? MANAGER BOB (Unfreezing) Oh. You're okay now. Good. PAUL Manager Bob, I think I should tell you something. MANAGER BOB What's that? PAUL I'm very afraid... (Sees Alien Craft approaching dead ahead) Oh...my...God. Oh God in heaven. Higher power... MANAGER BOB 'Sup? PAUL We're not alone. MANAGER BOB They been there all along. PAUL You see them too? MANAGER BOB Just another thing ya learn ta see. When ya stop puttin' all your bankroll in the eye vault. PAUL You never told me. MANAGER BOB Never came up. 'Sides, ta you it'd been an intellectual argument n' I hate those. Rather talk 'bout what is than what if's. Nah, I didn't tell ya. PAUL You keep a lot to yourself. MANAGER BOB Manager code 26.24 PAUL Impressive. MANAGER BOB Whatja think I jus' snoozin' over here? SHIRLY (Entering, holding keys.) Oh, Paul, could you give these to ... PAUL Um... MANAGER BOB Paul, could you excuse us? (pause) Please? PAUL Love to. I'll be... TOODIE (Entering, looking for Valerian root) Fuck! Why does that woman fuckin' hang around here all the fuckin' time? Jesus, it's like ya can't think for shit when bitches like that exist, I mean even fuckin' EXIST! You know what my rap's about? Fuck! Valerian! I can't find the Valerian root, damn it! (Alien Craft Lands) PAUL Here we go again. What do you want?! YOGI DAVE (Entering) You... MANAGER BOB ...as a you... SHIRLY ...will never... TOODIE ...ever... YOGI ...understand. TOODIE Where's the fuckin' root?! Gimme! WOMAN (Entering) Do we all need a nap? (ALL except YOGI DAVE lay down, unconscious) PAUL What the hell was all that? (pause) Okay, okay, I get it. Allright, what's happenning in the other reality? WOMAN (Screaming, ALL reposition themselves in reaction. YOGI DAVE is smiling.) No! No! Where 20 dash 9! 12 divided by the fourth, Too much choice! 12 divided by the power of man! Christ! 12... PAUL (Screaming back) OKAY! (Abrupt change, back to peace) Enough, for god's sake. WOMAN Curiosity killed the cat. YOGI DAVE Of nine tails. With nine-inch nails. PAUL Where do you come from? WOMAN Deeper... We come for your deconstruction. PAUL Deconstruction? WOMAN Construction. PAUL Are you an alien!? WOMAN Are you an alien!? We now return to our regular programming. (CHAOS ensues, WOMAN begins tossing and smashing everything on the shelves.) DIE!!! MANAGER BOB Dammit, how'd she get in?! PAUL I think I understand... MANAGER BOB Get her ass out of here! And you! SHIRLY What? What do you have to say!? (SHIRLY and MANAGER BOB begin to scream at each other) TOODIE Valerian...! (PASSERBY 1 and 2 Enters) Hey, sex-machine, wanna fuck? (PASSERBY 2 screams) (PATROLPERSON JEN appears from US, holding a gun at PAUL) PATROLPERSON JEN FREEZE! NOW! (EVERYONE freezes. TOODIE and PASSERBY 1 hit the ground) BACKUP! (PATROLPERSON BETSY appears DS) PATROLPERSON BETSY (Also weilding a Magnum) Drop it! Now! Now! Now! (Kicks PAUL on the back of his knees, dropping him) Hand behind your head! PATROLPERSON JEN Do it! PAUL Um... MANAGER BOB Do it Paul. (PAUL does) (WOMAN) Now touch your head to the ground. PAUL (Looking at her) What? PATROLPERSON BETSY Do it, slimeball! (PATROLPERSON JEN cocks back the hammer of her gun. Reluctantly, PAUL kisses the floor, and taps his forehead into it.) PATROLPERSON JEN NOW WHO'S THE ONE WHO SAID "WANNA FUCK"? PAUL Toodie. PATROLPERSON BETSY Who's Toodie? (EVERYONE points at TOODIE) TOODIE Wanna fuck? (In a barrage of bullets and screaming, LIGHTS cut to black.) (LIGHTS come up on MANAGER BOB and PAUL in the aftermath. Bodies lay strewn everywhere.) MANAGER BOB (Picking up a pill-bottle, still lying down) Yeah, we're together again. Together in that we wanna be apart. PAUL (Watching him, leaning on shelf) Maybe that's best. MANAGER BOB Strange words outta your mouth. (PATROLPERSONS get up and EXIT) PAUL Mmm hmm. (TOODIE gets up, EXITS) MANAGER BOB What's wrong? PAUL Do you need help? MANAGER BOB Help me pick up this jar, would ya? (SHIRLY rises, EXITS) PAUL So long. MANAGER BOB What bug's eatin' at you? WOMAN (Voiceover) Dreams. MANAGER BOB Well, I'm not gettin' any younger. (PASSERSBY 1 & 2 rise and EXIT) PAUL Can I stay? MANAGER BOB What? Why? WOMAN (Voiceover) Is is. (YOGI DAVE rises, EXITS) PAUL Bob... MANAGER BOB Sorry. Its hard to accept. (getting up) So ya want me to unfire you? PAUL If you can. MANAGER BOB You might enjoy the adventure. PAUL Adventure? MANAGER BOB When you dont put all your bankroll... PAUL In the eye vault... (WOMAN appears) WOMAN Hi. PAUL and MANAGER BOB (Not recognizing her) Hi. WOMAN Where's the ...? (Pause) MANAGER BOB You gonna help her? PAUL Gladly. WOMAN Welcome. Welcome back home. (BLACKOUT) (Music.) END