PLAY DEAD __________ A Mystery Play in Three Acts by William C. Seward and Barbara Stopp Vance Copyright þ 1993 1904 Magnolia Drive by Bill Seward Round Rock, TX 78664 (512)255-7564 PLAY DEAD by William Carl Seward & Barbara Stopp Vance NOTE: This production takes the form of a play-within-a-play. For a group of actors often seen together in productions, the SIMON's should be played by unknowns for best results. CHARACTERS PARSON SHORT2: The "real" detective. AMBROSE SIMON: Visiting theatre critic. Should be quite supercilious ARAMINTA SIMON: Critic's wife. JAY FLYNN/PARSON SHORT1: A professional actor fallen on hard times. He is slightly drunk, but says his lines competently. In normal conversation occasionally slurs his lines. BOB FARLEY/ LORD RICHARD MOUNTEBANK: Local doctor. PRESTON GARNER/HOWARD IGGINS: Insurance salesman. LUCY SNYDER/MARTHA IGGINS: Nurse who works for FARLEY. SUSAN LANDERS/JAN CLARET: Real estate broker. GENE HARDING/HUGH PEMBROKE: Local playwright. MARGERY ANN RAMSEY/SARAH PEMBROKE: Homemaker and "Friends" VP. GEORGIA PONDER/GLYNIS BRANT: Ambitious young actress. BAMBI- The light technician. Scene: Room set up for production of a Mystery Play fund raiser for a "Friends of the Library" group. The set is of an English-style manor study. At center are a writing desk and chair. There are bookshelves with mystery books, various weapons, etc. mounted on walls or shelves. A model of a cannon is on the shelf as a bookend and a pistol is by Lord M's left hand. A small hole is in the wall, partially covered by a painting, or in the window area. There are two visible exits; a door to the hall, and the door to the washroom. The audience area is as for a dinner play, ie. serving tables, audience tables, chairs. Seats are reserved for the Simons, and Short2 (not at the same location). SIMONS should be seated approximately in front of center stage. PRE-PLAY ACTION The following bits should be carried out as naturally as possible. Not at consecutive times. Parking area bit may be about 10 or 15 minutes before serving line starts, whenever a lot of the guests are arriving. PARKING AREA (OR SIDEWALK): (This scene is enacted near front doors, possibly outside, while some of the first audience members arrive. Pick a time when one or two arriving couples can see. Present are Mr. & Mrs. Simon, Jay Flynn, Bob and Lucy. Jay is just tipsy enough to be surly.) AMBROSE: (Arriving with Araminta) Well, look here darling. It's Flynn, drunk again. JAY: You're not wanted here, Simon. Go away. AMBROSE: But I was invited. Don't tell me you're involved in this. JAY: I'm in it. AMBROSE: I can see we're in for some real entertainment. ARAMINTA: Ambrose, come on. (Looks around at people watching.) JAY: You can go to --, just go anywhere but stay away from me! AMBROSE: You call yourself an actor; try acting sober for a change. (They turn to enter the bldg. JAY tries to follow. LUCY and BOB restrain him. ARAMINTA and AMBROSE continue to talk.) ARAMINTA: Don't let him bother you, Ambrose, he's a drunken has-been. AMBROSE: No, he's a drunken never-was. I think I can write this review already. (As they enter, MARGERY meets them at the door.) MARGERY: So glad you could make it, Mr. and Mrs. Simon. We have a seat right up front for you. (She shows them to their seat, ARAMINTA shows interest in everything, AMBROSE, grudgingly, surveys the set and makes very critical remarks in his notebook.) AMBROSE: Preston Garner's here, I'd recognize his crummy sets anywhere. ARAMINTA: Now you promised to be good, Ambrose. Relax and try to enjoy it. SERVING LINE: (As the SIMONS go through the serving line with rest of audience, SUSAN breaks between them for seconds, bumping into AMBROSE.) SUSAN: Oh, excuse me! Why, it's Ambrose Simon! Small world, Darling! AMBROSE: Pushy, aren't we Ms. Landers? SUSAN: You didn't think so before, but you really should call me Miss Claret during the production. AMBROSE: Oh, please. ARAMINTA: I don't think he'll be calling you at all, Miss Landers. SUSAN: Okay, okay. I said I was sorry. Excuse me, Mrs. Simon. (She leaves them and goes back to the cast area.) AT THE TABLE: (As the Simons are getting seated after getting their food, BOB approaches and helps ARAMINTA with her chair, ignoring AMBROSE.) BOB: Sit here, Mrs. Simon. I'll help you. ARAMINTA: Thank you. AMBROSE: She can take care of herself, quack. BOB: Did you get everything you wanted? ARAMINTA: You mean from the tables? Yes, thank you. Who are you in the play? AMBROSE: Take your bedside manner elsewhere, quack. BOB: (Ignoring him.) You'll see. Enjoy the play. AMBROSE: We can hardly wait. ACT I AT RISE: During blackout, there are two gunshots, very close together. At the shots, AMBROSE quietly slumps back in his chair to remain quiet throughout the first act. Lights come up on Lord M's study. All of cast1 are offstage, except for Lord M, at desk, slumped over, left side of head is bloody. Hugh is behind washroom door. Characters approach outside of hall door in order of lines. Door is locked. IGGINS is pounding on door.) IGGINS: Lord M, Lord M, are you all right? JAN: What's wrong, Iggins? I heard a noise. IGGINS: I know, and Lord M doesn't answer. JAN: (Trying door) But he never locks this door. (Knocks) Lord Mountebank, are you in there? IGGINS: He's definitely in there, Miss Claret, the door's locked on the inside. (Pounds) I'm afraid something's happened to him. GLYNIS: Jan, what is it? JAN: Iggins is worried about Lord Mountebank, Glynis. He won't unlock the door. (She tries to look through key hole.) GLYNIS: Can you see anything through the keyhole? JAN: The key seems to be in it. Is there another one? IGGINS: I doubt it. I never knew about this one. MARTHA: There's something wrong, I can feel it. SARAH: My brother is in there. Can you break it down, Iggins? SHORT: Let's try something else. Hand me that newspaper. (Paper shoved under door, key pushed out, misses paper or falls off.) SHORT: Well, it always works in the novels. IGGINS: Do you think we should break it down? SARAH: I think we'd better. Don't you, Mr. Short? SHORT: I'm afraid so. Help me Higgins. IGGINS: As you say, Sir, but it's Iggins. (As door bursts open SHORT and IGGINS stumble into room. Others follow hesitantly. Martha, Jan, Sarah, Glynis all clump together. SHORT and IGGINS approach the body.) IGGINS: It's Lord M. What's wrong with him? SHORT: I'm afraid he's dead. He's apparently been shot. MARTHA: Oh no! (Others gasp, exclaim, etc. Sarah collapses into chair.) SHORT: Don't touch anything else. Miss Claret, please call the police. JAN: I'll use the phone in my office. (JAN exits.) SHORT: How many ways are there out of this room? IGGINS: Only the hall door, Sir, and the windows, but they've been painted shut for years. (Leads SHORT across room to windows, cast directs attention to that direction.) SHORT: I see what you mean. Where does the other door lead? IGGINS: That's a private lavatory for the study. HUGH: (Backing onto stage from lavatory while attentions are drawn elsewhere.) There's no one in there, Short. (HUGH crosses to GLYNIS) MARTHA: This is simply tragic. I've felt an aura of doom here for days. JAN: (Entering from hall) The police are on their way. It'll take a while, the storm has the bridges blocked. Do you know what happened yet, Mr. Short? SHORT: Not entirely, though it's apparent that Lord Mountebank has been murdered. GLYNIS: Could he have killed himself? SHORT: It's not too likely, he was right handed, wasn't he? (Pause.) Was there a reason he might have for taking his life? SARAH: Well, he was getting along in years, but he hasn't complained much more than usual. JAN: I hardly think we need to consider suicide. HUGH: But how could the killer have left the room? SHORT: Apparently he couldn't, therefore, the killer is still here. SARAH: But surely none of us . . . HUGH: How could you..... MARTHA: We'll all be murdered in our beds! JAN: (Glancing at others) Lord M has been worrying about something for the last few days. IGGINS: Miss Claret is correct Sir. Lord Mountebank has been very preoccupied of late. SHORT: Does anyone know what was bothering him? JAN: I may be able to help with that. It's the estate. SHORT: The estate? JAN: Lord M has been trying to sell this place. He wants to move to Ft. Lauderdale. He has only been able to find one buyer. HUGH: How many does it take? JAN: The buyer is a consortium that wants to build a mall, complete with a 36 screen theater. SHORT: And Lord M doesn't want his beautiful old home destroyed? JAN: That's not it. SHORT: Then what? JAN: They've discovered a very rare breed of Hungarian Cockroach living under the cellar stairs. They only found one, but it's a female. Thanks to the conservationists, the plans were scrapped. GLYNIS: Yuck! HUGH: Should have fumigated first. SHORT: So the deal fell through. I can see reason for depression, but a house with roaches is not much motive for murder. MARTHA: I resent that. I keep a clean house. IGGINS: Yes Sir, we do. SHORT: I'm sure. Certainly everyone understands that it will be to our advantage to unmask the murderer before the police arrive. I'm going to have to ask you all about your movements. HUGH: Okay, shoot! GLYNIS: Hugh!! HUGH: Sorry, poor choice of words. Go ahead, Parson. SHORT: First off, is there any objection to my looking into this before the police do? HUGH: I suppose the first to object is first on the list of suspects? No thanks, Short, get on with it. SARAH: Don't mind my son, he's obviously distressed by this. Go ahead Mr. Short. JAN: Yes, by all means. SHORT: Then let's begin. Get comfortable, this may take awhile. SARAH: How can I get comfortable with Richard just lying there? SHORT: (To SARAH) Loan me your apron. (Covers Lord M.) I'll start with Ms. Claret. JAN: What would you like to know? SHORT: I'd like to know who killed Lord M. (Looking at her intently.) JAN: Obviously, so would I. (Looking right back at him.) SHORT: What were your movements the last, let's say, two hours. JAN: It's eight-oh-five now. We were all together at six for dinner. I sat next to you, in fact. After dinner, I went to my office. That was about six-forty-five. SHORT: What were you doing there? JAN: I was getting some tax information together for the accountants. Lord M was quite insistent that it go out tomorrow. SHORT: Did anyone see you there? JAN: Mrs. Pembroke came and asked me for a stamp at about seven fifteen. Then she asked me to go to the library with her. She said she couldn't find a book she was looking for. SHORT: Which was? JAN: A family history. SARAH: Mountebanks I Have Known. SHORT: Did you see anyone else? JAN: Hugh and Miss Brant were there looking at a painting. They left when we came in. SHORT: Then what happened? JAN: I stayed and helped Mrs. Pembroke search until a few minutes ago when I heard the shot,... or shots. SHORT: What was your relationship with Lord M? SARAH: A question I've asked many times myself. HUGH: Inquiring minds want to know. JAN: I was Lord M's secretary, just his secretary. I helped him with his correspondence and the business affairs of the estate. SARAH: The monkey business. JAN: That's not true. Lord Mountebank has been a perfect gentleman. SARAH: Oh, I'm quite sure you handled all his affairs adequately! SHORT: Ladies, please. I suppose there has been a lot of work for you with the attempted sale of the estate. JAN: Oh, yes. A lot of correspondence, meetings with lawyers, and so forth. SHORT: Who was Lord M's attorney? JAN: Edward Dewey, of Dewey and Howe. HUGH: I guess Cheatham must have died. (Glynis nudges Hugh) SHORT: Would you know the provisions of Lord M's will? HUGH: I'll just bet she does! JAN: As a matter of fact, I don't. Lord M handled that personally with Eddie, I mean, Mr. Dewey. SHORT: And your relationship with Lord M. was strictly business. SARAH: Humph! JAN: Yes, that's correct. SHORT: Your office is next to this room, did you hear anything when you were there? JAN: The walls are very thick. Lord M has to buzz me on the intercom when he needs me. (Points to the button.) SHORT: Thank you. Higgins, I'd like to speak to you now. IGGINS: It's Iggins Sir. SHORT: What was that? IGGINS: Iggins, Sir, with an "I". Howard Iggins. SHORT: I apologize. I misunderstood. IGGINS: Don't bother Sir. I've had no end of trouble about it, especially at home. SHORT: Which part of England are you from? IGGINS: Lubbock, Texas, Sir. SHORT: You're kidding. IGGINS: No Sir, you see, Lord Mountebank always wanted an English butler. He even sent me to an English butler school. He was quite the fan of Agatha Christie. He enjoyed her murder mysteries immensely. SHORT: Would he have liked this one? IGGINS: Not so far, Sir. SHORT: I'm sure. Well, "Iggins", where have you been the last two hours? IGGINS: You'll recall I helped serve dinner. Afterward I helped Martha clear away. We are the entire staff after all. SHORT: That took until what time? IGGINS: About seven-fifteen. The wife and I went to our room. We're off after dinner unless called for. SHORT: You didn't see anyone else? IGGINS: Miss Brant visited with us. SHORT: Was that normal? IGGINS: Not for most of the guests, Sir. But Miss Brant is something of a Socialist. MARTHA: She feels that we're oppressed. SHORT: What is the basis of this opinion? MARTHA: We work for a living. IGGINS: We can't seem to convince her that we are quite happy here. SHORT: Are you? GLYNIS: Brainwashed, they're brainwashed. IGGINS: Quite happy Sir. SHORT: What will you do now? IGGINS: Lord Mountebank has always been good to us, and we've made some good investments. We'll do all right. MARTHA: Go ahead, Howie, tell them. IGGINS: Well, we've purchased an island in the Caribbean. A retirement place for the wife and myself. GLYNIS: What? SHORT: I'm impressed, Iggins. IGGINS: It's nothing Sir. It's a very small island. SHORT: So, you were there in your rooms when you heard the shot,..er shots? IGGINS: Yes, Sir. SHORT: And you heard them clearly? IGGINS: Yes, Sir. SHORT: And you say he never locks this door. IGGINS: Never, Sir. SHORT: That's all for now, but stay close. IGGINS: Yes Sir. SHORT: All right, Pembroke, tell us your story. HUGH: I was born a poor....... SHORT: Very interesting, we'd rather hear about tonight. HUGH: I was getting to that. After dinner, Miss Brant and I went for a walk on the grounds. GLYNIS: That's correct, Reverend. HUGH: We returned a little later and went into the library. SHORT: What for? HUGH: We were discussing my illustrious ancestors, she asked me to point out some of their portraits. SHORT: How long were you there? GLYNIS: We had just gotten there when Hugh's mother and Jan came in. We left soon after. SHORT: What did you do then? HUGH: Glynis went to see the Iggins', I wanted to read a book. I was in my room until all the commotion just now. SHORT: Did anyone see you there? HUGH: I'm afraid not. SHORT: Were you aware of the pending real estate deal we've just been discussing? HUGH: Uncle Richard mentioned it to me. I told him to go for it. SHORT: Do you expect to inherit the estate? HUGH: Oh, I suppose he may have left me something or other. Is that all? SHORT: One more thing, what is that? (Indicates box in Lord M's hand.) HUGH: (Reaches for it, SHORT grabs it first.) Just a match box. SHORT: Excellent, I need a light. (Removes pipe from pocket, takes box and opens it, plastic roach falls out of box, everyone jumps) HUGH: No, wait. SARAH: What was that? HUGH: (Casually steps on roach) Just a bug. Anything else, Parson? SHORT: I believe you have much to answer for, Pembroke. For now, we have guests to consider. Perhaps they would like to ask some questions. (Indicates audience.) (As SHORT ends this speech, Araminta tries to rouse SIMON) ARAMINTA: Ambrose, Ambrose, what's wrong? Somebody help. Is there a doctor . . .Bob, something's wrong with Ambrose. BOB: (Gets up from table where he played Lord M.) I'm a doctor, let me through. (Begins to examine SIMON) SHORT2: (Stands up in audience. Helps with body.) BOB: He's bleeding. Great Scott, I think he's been shot! He's in bad shape. Help me move him to the other room. (Others help move SIMON to another room. Nurse LUCY gives BOB his bag, then comforts ARAMINTA) SHORT1: Someone call the police. SHORT2: That's a good idea. (Stands up and walks to the front.) Everyone please return to your seats. (Speaking to audience members seated next to SIMON.) Did you know Mr. Simon? Did you do it? (He asks this and other such to audience nearby, we assume with negative answers.) SHORT1: Who are you? SHORT2: You don't recognize me? A sleuth like yourself? I am Parson Short! SHORT1: You're joking. SHORT2: I'm sure you'll agree that crime is not a joking matter. A "real" detective is needed to catch a real criminal. ARAMINTA: You don't have to look far, Jay Flynn must have done it. He hated Ambrose for ruining his acting career. Why, Flynn accosted us in the parking lot tonight. He had been drinking as usual. You, (points to audience member.) you were there! Surely you heard Mr. Flynn threaten him. SHORT2: (To aud. mem.) Yes, what did you see? Tell us about it. (ARAMINTA to fill in whatever they might not say.) SHORT: Anything else? ARAMINTA: Well, Gene Harding, the playwright, has hated him for years. And Garner, over there, once threatened to punch his face. SHORT2: Oh? Anyone else you can think of? ARAMINTA: Well, that Landers woman used to date Ambrose. He gave her such good reviews, at least until she asked for a little too much. Isn't that right, Darling? You saw her tonight. (To audience member.) She cut in line practically dripping with jealousy. She's never forgiven him for marrying me. "A woman scorned" my dear. And that woman over there (indicates GEORGIA) even made a pass at him last night. SHORT2: That's a lot of suspects. ARAMINTA: Well, I think Flynn did it. SHORT2: That may very well be. Yes, Doctor? BOB: (Returning from other room.) I'm afraid he was too far gone. He's dead. SHORT2: Then it is murder. If you "actors" will stay put, we'll give these good people a real crime to solve. For the next fifteen minutes you may ask your own questions. Then I will proceed with my investigation. Before we get to that, I'm confused as to who you people really are. Ms. Ramsey would you introduce these people? MARGERY: I'm just so shocked by all this, maybe they'd better introduce themselves. SHORT2: Okay, let's start with you. (Indicates opposite end of cast lineup. Cast answers as indicated, depending on place in line.) BOB: Well, I'm Doctor Bob Farley, local doctor. I played Lord M here. JAY: I am Jay Flynn, professional actor. PRESTON: And I am Preston Garner, local insurance salesman. Here's my card. (Shakes Short2's hand.) LUCY: I'm Lucy Snyder. I'm a nurse here in town. I played Martha Iggins. SUSAN: I'm Susan Landers. I am a realtor. We'll never be able to rent this hall again! GENE: And I'm Gene Harding, local entrepreneur and playwright. I wrote this play. Will we ever get to finish it? MARGERY: I'm Margery Ramsey, Vice-President of the Friends. I assure nothing like this has ever happened at one of our fund-raisers. GEORGIA: I'm Georgia Ponder. I wait tables at the restaurant, but I'm going to be an actress. SHORT2: (To BAMBI) How about you? BAMBI: Who, me? Oh, I'm Bernadette Elaine Jakowski, but my friends call me Bambi. I didn't get a part, so I just do the lights. I'm an exotic dancer. SHORT2: And as I said before, I am the real Parson Short. Now let us have your questions. (Short fields questions from the audience to the actors for a few minutes. He can control how much is revealed at this time. Premature questions can be deferred to later. After a few minutes, he calls for the intermission.) If you actors will make yourselves available for individual questioning, we will have a short intermission and perhaps have some refreshment. End Act I ACT II NOTE: From this point on, the character SHORT2 is simply referred to as SHORT. SCENE: Same as end of Act I. TIME: A few minutes later. ARAMINTA: (Agitated.) I can't believe you people are just eating and carrying on here. My husband has just been murdered! (To SHORT) What are you doing about it? SHORT: You are right madam. It is time to examine the evidence. ARAMINTA: I told you already, it's one of the actors! They all hated him. SHORT: Can you prove which one did it? ARAMINTA: Maybe it was all of them. They all did it, just ask them. SHORT: In due time, Mrs. Simon, first we need to find out a few things. BOB: Shouldn't we wait for the police? This is not a paperback mystery, Father. SHORT: It's Short. I've worked with the local police before. They'll appreciate any headway we can make by the time they get here. Is there anything else? Now, we need to determine where the shot came from. SUSAN: Won't that be hard to do? SHORT: We'll see. (Picks a nearby audience member.) Would you please sit here? If Simon was struck here by the bullet, the shot must have been fired somewhere over there. I heard two shots. GENE: So did I. There was only supposed to be one. SHORT: How was it supposed to be fired? GENE: Preston Garner, as "Iggins", was the first one on, so he was to fire it during the blackout. SHORT: Where is the pistol now? PRESTON: It should still be on the table there, just backstage. SHORT: (Finds gun.) Here it is. Who is responsible for checking the loads before each show? PRESTON: I check it myself. SHORT: How many blanks do you load? PRESTON: Only one. See, the cylinder is marked so it's easy to see that it's ready in the dark. SHORT: There's only one empty shell, and it's in the marked chamber. PRESTON: It's an old pistol. It misfires a lot on the other chambers. SHORT: So no one else has handled it? MARGERY: (After a short pause.) Well, excuse me Dr. Farley, but you were checking it this afternoon. BOB: Er, uh, well, yes . . . SHORT: Yes, Dr. Farley? BOB: Well, as Preston said, it sometimes misfires and I wanted to be sure it would work properly tonight. MARGERY: Heavens! The blast scared me half to death! I thought I was up here alone this afternoon when BANG! Off goes this loud noise and I screamed and dropped the cups I was carrying and they went all over, and then Dr. Farley comes out and apologizes for having scared me. He explained all about the blanks being old and all, and that the gun sometimes didn't work and. . . . BOB: I think that's enough Mrs. Ramsey. I'm sure Mr. Short has more important questions to ask. SHORT: Thank you, Mrs. Ramsey. You've been a big help. Now where was I? Oh yes, Mr. Garner, who was next to you offstage? SUSAN: I follow Preston on. SHORT: Did you see him fire the blank? SUSAN: Not very well, I was concentrating on my cue. I know he usually only has enough time to fire the one shot and get on stage. SHORT: Did anyone notice him doing anything to the gun after the shot, like removing a spent shell? JAY: I didn't, but like Susan said, there's barely enough time to fire the shot, put it down, and get on stage. GENE: We discussed having the light crew fire the blank, but we wanted it to sound like it was on stage. SHORT: (Picks up other gun on desk.) What about this one? GENE: That one is never fired. It's handled a good bit during the play, though. SHORT: (Sniffing barrel.) It doesn't appear to have been fired at all recently. Does it work? GENE: The gunsmith told us it was supposed to be non-functional. SHORT: Where was everyone located offstage? GENE: I was over there, behind the door. Everyone else except Bob was waiting to come on. SHORT: Is that correct? SUSAN: We were more or less lined up in order of entrance. SHORT: Would you please put yourselves in that order over here for us? Now, does anyone know who was out of line when the shots were fired? SUSAN: There was a lot of shifting. LUCY: Some were fixing hair and makeup. MARGERY: One even made a last minute trip to the rest room. JAY: I couldn't help it, it's my nerves. GENE: It was more likely the nerve tonic. SHORT: So we have seven suspects, a possible weapon, and a general direction. BOB: Seven suspects? But I was on stage the whole time. SHORT: But not entirely in view. Though you were in a very awkward position to have fired the shot. And where is the weapon? JAY: Yes, the weapon. Where's the weapon? (Slurring his words.) SHORT: Perhaps further investigation will shed some light. Light, yes. Say, Bambi, come over here. I would like for you to look around backstage. Do not touch anything. Let me know immediately if you see anything that doesn't belong there. BAMBI: Okay. (She exits to backstage area. From here until her re-entrance there are to be periodic noises, bumps, things falling, "I'm okay, excuse me." etc. about once per script page.) SHORT: Let us turn to motive. GEORGIA: Excuse me, but can we sit down now? SHORT: Okay, but stay where I can see you. All right Mrs. Simon, why were the two of you here tonight? ARAMINTA: We received tickets from the Library Friends here. Our local "Friends" group encouraged us to come. SHORT: (Refers to program.) Ms. Ramsey, I believe you are an officer of the friends group. MARGERY: That's true. SHORT: Did you invite the Simons to this performance? MARGERY: Well, we were very flattered that Mr. Simon was going to attend, Reverend.......... SHORT: It's Short. But did you invite him? MARGERY: As far as I know, we didn't. SHORT: Someone must have sent Ambrose Simon the tickets for the purpose of getting him here, possibly to kill him. GENE: I have to admit, no one would invite him for his reviews. SHORT: You say that several of these actors had something against Simon, is that right? ARAMINTA: Yes, they all hated him. SHORT: Why was that? ARAMINTA: They didn't appreciate his genius. He told the truth about them in his articles. SHORT: What can you tell us about that. . . . Mr. Garner? PRESTON: What do you mean? SHORT: How accurate is Mrs. Simon about your motives? PRESTON: Well, he certainly wasn't on my Christmas list. SHORT: Why is that? PRESTON: A few years ago I was active in local theatre in Wimberley until I had to quit. SHORT: You had to quit? PRESTON: Thanks to Simon. It was his fault. Every review was negative. We had very successful shows, believe me, but Simon cut down every one of them with his remarks about debilitated actors and cheesy sets. It was just too much, I had to get out. SHORT: You came here? PRESTON: The insurance company I work for let me transfer here. I almost didn't get involved in this production. I really hoped I'd never hear from Ambrose Simon again. SHORT: But you got back into theatre anyway. PRESTON: Yes, I did. SHORT: I suppose it was quite a shock to see Simon here today. PRESTON: Yes it was, Pastor. SHORT: Short . . . And you had no previous idea that Simon would be attending? PRESTON: None at all. SHORT: What about you "Short", or is it Mr. Flynn? JAY: It's Flynn, of course. SHORT: How were you acquainted with Mr. Simon? JAY: We'd never met, though I've heard of him. We didn't exactly move in the same circles. GEORGIA: Jay's a professional actor. LUCY: But you had words with him in the parking lot. I saw you. __________ was closer than I was, though. (Indicates audience member who was outside at the time.) SHORT: Well, can you add anything to what you said before? (To audience member.) (Get's audience response here, else, LUCY tells what happened.) JAY: Okay, okay, I knew him. ARAMINTA: Tell them about St. Edward's. JAY: Oh yes, that. I'd forgotten. ARAMINTA: I'll bet. You told Ambrose you'd never forget it. I was there. SHORT: What's that? JAY: St. Edward's University, three years ago. I did a play through Actor's Equity. SHORT: What was it about? JAY: It was a sort of musical horror thing by a local playwright. I played a psychopathic wig maker. SHORT: What was it called? JAY: "The Devil Toupee." SHORT: I must have missed it. JAY: Yes, well, Simon made a special trip from San Antonio to review it. SHORT: And? JAY: He totally destroyed it. It was not a great play, okay? But it was light and funny. Just the sort of thing Simon hated. SHORT: Surely one play....... JAY: Can't hurt? I was signed to start a new TV series next. Copies of Simon's review got sent to the studio somehow. They dropped me. Scott Bakula got the part. Now he's driving the Porsche and I'm doing little theatre. ARAMINTA: And drinking between acts. JAY: That's a lie. ARAMINTA: Your bouts with alcohol are well documented by the tabloids, Mr. Flynn. I doubt the networks are interested in hiring a lush. You even punched your agent, didn't you. JAY: I hardly drank at all back then, as I'm sure you've learned from your filthy little tabloids. It only started after he, I mean I, well, back then. But I'm getting better. SHORT: What do you do for money? JAY: I decorate store windows, do commercials, paint street numbers on curbs, whatever, so I can keep acting. Did you see my video with the Geezinslaws? SHORT: Uh, no. So you're not a fan of Simon's. JAY: Hardly, but I've never killed anyone. SHORT: I wonder. (Noise from backstage, BAMBI enters with toilet plunger.) BAMBI: Oh, wow, look what I found. SHORT: What is that? BAMBI: You know, it's a plumber's friend. I thought you were the detective. You use it to...... SHORT: I know that, we're looking for a murder weapon. BAMBI: You never said that, you said to look for something that didn't belong. I've been here all week and I never saw this before. Boy, you treat me like I'm blonde just because I'm dumb. Wait a minute, that didn't come out right. (This while exiting.) SHORT: Ms. Landers, how did you know Mr. Simon? SUSAN: I'd rather not say Fath...... SHORT: Just a minute, I have to straighten something out. Listen, I'm not Father Dowling, Rabbi Small, or even Sister Mary Helen. I am Parson Short. Parson is my name, not my occupation. Call me "Short" or Mr. Short if you must. Now Ms. Landers, tell us what you'd rather not say. ARAMINTA: She thinks it's a secret she was seeing my husband, Rev . . . I mean Mr. Short. SHORT: Is this true? SUSAN: Yes, but that was a long time ago. SHORT: How long? SUSAN: Two years ago, and he wasn't her husband then. I lived in San Antonio and was appearing in "Roar Of The Greasepaint." I met Ambrose at a cast party. SHORT: How were your reviews? SUSAN: "Miss Landers gave a moving performance, invoking Bernhardt at her finest." ARAMINTA: (Aside.) Medium, a medium "invokes" dead people. SHORT: When did you see Simon last? SUSAN: I saw him at his wedding, when he married her. SHORT: And you haven't seen him since? SUSAN: Not until tonight. SHORT: Did you know he would be here? SUSAN: No, I didn't, until I accidently bumped into him in the food line. ARAMINTA: Accidently, ha. Lies, all lies. SHORT: Would you say the two of you parted as friends? SUSAN: I think so. Anyway, I moved here soon after. SHORT: Can you think of anyone else who might have a grudge against Simon? SUSAN: I don't think you should rule out Mrs. Simon. I bet she comes into a bundle! ARAMINTA: How dare you! SUSAN: I dare all right, because I've heard about you, Mrs. Ambrose Simon, and your "outside" interests. Ambrose spent a lot of time out of town, didn't he Mrs. Simon? ARAMINTA: I don't have to listen to this from the likes of you, you jealous little minx. SUSAN: (With a laugh.) Me, jealous? Ha! But, to be fair, there are others you haven't spoken to, Mr. Short. SHORT: For instance? SUSAN: I believe Dr. Farley, there, has a bone to pick. SHORT: Is that true Doctor? LUCY: Don't listen to her. There was no evidence, nothing. BOB: It's okay Lucy. Mr. Short has to ask these questions. LUCY: He can't. You've worked so hard. SHORT: Tell me about it. BOB: I grew up with Ambrose and Araminta. She was Araminta Armstrong then. We all went to school together in Fredricksburg. We were even friends for a while. They were among my first patients when I came home and opened my practice. SHORT: What happened? BOB: There was an accident. Ambrose' brother, Edgar, was injured severely. We did everything we could, but we couldn't save him. Ambrose blamed Edgar's death on me. He started a rumor that I used drugs and my judgement was impaired. LUCY: A vicious lie. BOB: Well, yes it was. There was a hearing. I was cleared, but my practice fell to nothing. Who wants a "junkie" for a doctor? I moved here to start over. LUCY: And now it's all to do over again. BOB: We'll see. I haven't seen Ambrose since the hearing. And I never wanted to. SHORT: It must have been a financial disaster as well. Surely you wanted to get even, didn't you? BOB: I suppose I thought about it. But a doctor who kills people can't build much of a practice either. GENE: Unless it's your specialty. ARAMINTA: Actually, Dr. Farley was quite civil when he spoke to Ambrose tonight. (To aud. mem.) You were here, did they quarrel? SHORT: (To aud. mem.) Well, speak up. Do you remember anything significant? I may have to speak with you again later. Please do not leave the theater. LUCY: Dr. Farley is entirely innocent. Simon deserved what he got. SHORT: Isn't that rather extreme? LUCY: Not considering what he's done. SHORT: So Ms. Snyder, I take it you knew Mr. Simon. LUCY: I never met him. But I heard quite a bit about him. And Mrs. Simon comes by the clinic on occasion. SHORT: Isn't that rather odd, Mrs. Simon, considering the bad blood between your husband and Dr. Farley? ARAMINTA: It's not at all odd. I've known Bob for years, and a good doctor is hard to find. I've always thought Ambrose was too grief stricken over his brother to think clearly when he made all that trouble. SHORT: (Back to Lucy) You seem to be quite incensed with Simon to have never met him. What is your interest here? LUCY: I work for Dr. Farley. I am a Registered Nurse. SHORT: Were you working for him when he left Fredricksburg? LUCY: No I wasn't, but anyone can tell that Dr. Farley is a wonderful doctor. Anything that man said about him must be lies. I know how much the whole incident hurt Bob, that is, Dr. Farley. It's taken him forever to get back on his feet, and he's so devoted to his patients. He's mortgaged everything he has to expand the clinic. GENE: I think she's sweet on him. LUCY: (Flustered) Gene Harding, how could you say such a thing? That's just ridiculous. JAY: "Methinks the lady protesteth too much." GENE: Methinks so too. LUCY: Look to your own defense, Mr. Harding. You also had an axe to grind with Ambrose Simon. (There are sirens and red lights offstage.) SHORT: The ambulance appears to be here. BOB: I'll take care of it. (He prepares to leave, ARAMINTA goes with him.) SHORT: Mrs. Simon, please don't leave the building. BOB: I'll see that she doesn't. SHORT: Or you either Doctor. (Returning to GENE) Well well, Mr. Harding, tell us about it. GENE: Simon and I had words a time or two. SHORT: What about? GENE: What else? My plays. SHORT: Oh yes, you're something of a playwright aren't you. In fact, you said you wrote this one. GENE: Yes, this is my first play in a long time. SHORT: Why is that? GENE: Well, actually, Simon did such a hatchet job on my last one that I quit writing. I know that's a stupid thing to do, but I was really discouraged. SHORT: What play was that? GENE: "The Devil Toupee." SHORT: Oh, I see. GENE: It was such a fun play to do. It felt wonderful to see people laugh in all the right places, having fun, enjoying themselves. Simon walked out on us at the intermission. He totally shredded the play. Other critics refused to review it. We felt like fools. Oh, people still came and enjoyed it, but the life went out of our performance. You want to be taken seriously, you know, even doing comedy. You want your efforts as an actor, a playwright, or a set designer respected. Jay over there worked his heart out. Preston did some of his best set design. For some of us, it was the last straw. SHORT: So you quit writing. GENE: I tried to continue. I threw away a thousand first pages. I just couldn't go on. It was a long dry spell. My wife left me finally. I don't really blame her. Susan Landers asked me to try again. This was a low-pressure thing, and I really had fun. I even agreed to act in it. After all, it's for the Friends. Without the library I'd never have been able to cope. SHORT: That's a lesson worth learning. I'd say you had a pretty good motive for murder though. GENE: I've tried to forget about it. I've even tried counseling. I guess Simon was just doing his job. Being nasty was his trademark. After all, no one would watch Geraldo if he wasn't controversial. Simon really hurt a lot of people though. SHORT: So you killed him? GENE: No, I didn't. I was surprised to see him here. And I certainly wasn't looking forward to his comments. But I didn't kill him. After all, I was in plain sight over there. (More noise, etc. from offstage. BAMBI's voice before entering.) BAMBI: All right, take a look at this, wow! (Enters carrying large knife, sword, or spear.) Now this is a murder weapon! SHORT: Uh, Bambi. BAMBI: Yes? SHORT: Simon was shot. BAMBI: ......I knew that. I just thought you..uh..might like to see it. (Exits) MARGERY: Mr. Short, I find it hard to believe that one of us here had anything to do with Mr. Simon's death. SHORT: Why not, Mrs. Ramsey? MARGERY: We have such a great group here, they're not just actors, every one has given two hundred percent to this production. There isn't one person who thought any part of it was beneath them. Dr. Farley there even helped set the lights and move furniture. SHORT: Well, the fact is, Mrs. Ramsey, they seem to have the best motives. GEORGIA: Motives. SHORT: Yes. Ms. Ponder, you've been very quiet. GEORGIA: This whole thing is just awful. Poor Mr. Simon is dead and all anyone can say is how mean he is, or was. SHORT: Someone did kill him after all. We have to find who it was. GEORGIA: I know, but I don't see how anyone could do such a thing to a talented person like that. ARAMINTA: I recognize those signs. She came to see Ambrose last night at the motel. SHORT: Why would you do that? GEORGIA: Mr. Simon is a very influential man. He knows people, people who can help me. SHORT: Help you? GEORGIA: I don't plan to be doing community theatre forever. There are major producers and directors he can introduce me to. SHORT: Why would he do that for you? GEORGIA: Mr. Simon is well known for the help he's given new actors and actresses. JAY: Especially actresses. GEORGIA: I introduced myself to him and we went downstairs for a drink. He agreed to help me. SHORT: Mr. Simon seems to have an eye for attractive women. Wouldn't you agree Mrs. Simon? ARAMINTA: Well, he was married to me, but he wasn't a fanatic about it. SHORT: So you and Simon just talked? GEORGIA: Mr. Simon was very much a gentleman. He said we'd talk again after the play tonight. GENE: That'll be tough, unless someone here is a ventriloquist. SHORT: Mr. Harding, please. And you didn't see him again? GEORGIA: Not until the performance. SHORT: Did Mr. Simon say anything to you, or to you Mrs. Simon, about being worried about anything? GEORGIA: No, not to me. SHORT: How about you, Mrs. Simon. ARAMINTA: How do you mean, worried? SHORT: Had he fought with anyone, or been receiving threats? ARAMINTA: Well, not lately. He was always receiving letters from theatre people complaining about his reviews. That was normal. But he was due to retire soon and had cut back considerably. BAMBI: Eureka, I've found it! (Runs out holding a gun, covered with rag or blanket.) Look what I found! SHORT: (Grabs it away from her.) I told you not to touch anything! BAMBI: I'm sorry! But this could be it, couldn't it? The murder weapon, I mean? It was wrapped in an old blanket. SHORT: It's quite possible. (Handles it with handkerchief.) There does seem to be a slight smell of gunpowder, very weak though. BAMBI: And look there, just above where I found it. There's a hole in the wall. SHORT: Yes, I see. There certainly doesn't seem to be a shortage of weapons around here. There are almost too many to choose from. ARAMINTA: If you're through with me, I really should be with Ambrose. SHORT: Not just yet. I don't believe we will be much longer. The answer to the riddle is becoming clear. Perhaps these good people would like to take their opportunity to solve it now. You have fifteen minutes to ask your final questions and turn in your clue sheets. And then we will conclude this messy business. If all of you "actors" will remain out here, available for questions I will ask BAMBI to assist me in something. End Act II (As the others are questioned by the audience, etc. Short, and BAMBI conceal the set with a screen. They stay behind the screen a few minutes, they return shortly to answer questions after removing the screen. SHORT details an audience member to take JAY to get some coffee and sober up. Upon his return, SHORT is seen pointing and saying something to JAY) ACT III TIME: Real time. GENE: Okay, Short, you've taken long enough. Why haven't the police arrived, and what were you doing back there? SHORT: You're certainly in a hurry Mr. Harding. Especially for someone who makes such a convincing suspect. Your motive for killing Simon is very strong. As was everyone's. I can't recall seeing any victim so disliked by so many. As for what I was doing, I was simply arranging a little demonstration. MARGERY: Do you have an answer for us, Mr. Short? SHORT: Yes, I have. As we've seen, there are a number of suspects and weapons to choose from. Gene Harding was a promising playwright who let Simon's criticism put a halt to his career. Simon's critique at this point, if he were allowed to turn it in, could prove disastrous. Was Simon killed to prevent that review? GENE: Why would I? I didn't know he'd be here. And besides, I was right there by that door. SHORT: That's correct Mr. Harding. So how about the good doctor? Dr. Bob Farley's practice was endangered by Simon, so much so that he came here to start over. Simon could have stirred it all up again if not prevented. LUCY: He couldn't, he just couldn't. BOB: Lucy, quiet. SHORT: Lucy Snyder is quite vehement in her defense of Dr. Farley. Let's not forget that Farley was on stage when the shot was fired. We might have seen him shoot, especially from that position. Ms. Snyder, however, was off stage and could have done the job. LUCY: Well! BOB: That's preposterous and you know it! SHORT: Indeed . . .As we know, there are others here who would only lose by Simon's presence and resulting review. A review in which he probably would reveal things some would rather have forgotten. One is Preston Garner and his so-called "cheesy" sets. PRESTON: Thanks a lot! SHORT: I meant no offense. You've done quite well here on a limited budget. Still, what could Simon have said about it? PRESTON: I shudder to think. SHORT: So, to allow Simon to finish his review could be a catastrophe. The same can be said for all of you. Jay Flynn is trying to rescue his career from oblivion. Ms. Ponder is trying to get hers started. Let's not forget Margery Ramsey and the "Friends", to whom this production means so much. LUCY: Oh, come on, surely you don't think the Friends of the Library capable of murder! MARGERY: Broken kneecaps for overdue books are about our limit. SHORT: Well, you know, the "Famous Detective School's" first lesson says that the best suspects are friends and family. MARGERY: Cute. SHORT: The point is, all these people had something to lose by Simon's attendance. There is another point, though, that may eliminate them. JAY: What's that? SHORT: Simon was invited here, after all. And probably by his killer. He posed no immediate danger as long as he stayed away. GENE: So who does that leave? SHORT: Ms. Landers was an old flame of Simon's. The question is, did they part as friendly as she says they did? Is she playing the woman scorned? She doesn't seem to be that passionate about it, though. She could be putting on an act. SUSAN: Do you think I'm that good an actress, or that cold? SHORT: Possibly neither. SUSAN: What about Mrs. Simon? SHORT: Mrs. Simon could not have fired the shot, though she may have had plenty of motive. ARAMINTA: What do you mean? SHORT: You've already told us that Simon was cheating on you, and we've seen how jealous you are. Is it possible that your marriage was in trouble? ARAMINTA: Of course not! Besides, you already said I couldn't have done it! SHORT: No, you didn't pull the trigger. The question is, who did? I've asked Mr. Flynn there to give me a hand, after all, he's spent a short time pretending to be me. Maybe he's learned something. Help Mrs. Simon to her chair, the one at the table. (Flynn moves over to Araminta as Short crosses to Bob.) SHORT: I've decided a demonstration is in order. Let us attempt to reenact the crime. Let's have everyone in their places for the opening curtain. (Flynn stays near Araminta. As Bob moves to his place as Lord M's body, Short stops him.) Not you, Doctor, I would like for you to take Mr. Simon's chair, you're pretty close to his size. BOB: I don't see what that will accomplish. Honestly, this is the most ridiculous. . . . SHORT: Please humor me Doctor. I assure you all will be made clear shortly. BOB: (Sits down, jumps back up.) I really must protest this farce. (Flynn sits him back down forcefully.) What's your part in this? ARAMINTA: Oh, let him rave, Bob. He's just showing off. SHORT: (Sitting in Lord M's chair.) I was initially put off by the definite surplus of possible murder weapons, almost one for every suspect. The gun from behind the wall was certainly fired, but not within the last two hours or so. The gun on the desk doesn't work, and we would have seen it used. The prop gun offstage was apparently fired only the one time, yet two shots were heard. (Actors slowly move back toward onstage to see what's happening.) PRESTON: Does that mean you're stumped? LUCY: I knew it. SHORT: Not at all, we merely have to look elsewhere. GENE: What does that mean? SHORT: Well, we can try the lights. (To BAMBI Tech.) Please black us out again. BOB: You're really stretching now, Short. SHORT: Not at all, Doctor. Bring the lights up again, please. Now, we still have a problem. (Looks around.) This is Lord Mountebank's study, what does he do when he has a problem? SUSAN: He rings for Miss Claret. SHORT: Like this? (As he reaches for the call button, Bob jumps out of chair and to one side.) Problem, Doctor? BOB: I don't know what you're playing at, Short, but I've heard quite enough. SHORT: Oh, but I don't think the rest of us have. Tell us more about how things were between you and the Simons. ARAMINTA: What are you saying? (In the following questions, Jay speaks to Araminta, Short speaks to Bob. All in rapid sequence.) JAY: (To Araminta.) Tell us about Simon's cheating on you. ARAMINTA: Well, he did but. . . . SHORT: (To Bob.) Tell us how he ran you out of town. BOB: It was lies....... JAY: How about your visits to the clinic? ARAMINTA: He's a very good doctor. SHORT: And the money trouble you were having. BOB: It was nothing I..... JAY: How much was Simon worth anyway? SHORT: Enough to build a new clinic? JAY: How long have you planned this? ARAMINTA: Bob! LUCY: (Runs up to Bob, hits him on chest) You fool, I told you to leave her alone, you didn't need her. Now look . . . BOB: (Grabs Lucy and knife from shelf.) Stop it. Stay back. You'll pardon me if I don't stay for curtain call. I'm leaving. SHORT: We can't let that happen, Doctor. Don't hurt that woman. BOB: You couldn't let it go, could you, he deserved it. Both of them did, him and his brother. I'm glad they're dead. Oh, it was her idea, all right. The money, the money and freedom for both of us. Well, he's gone and I'm leaving. I'm taking Nurse Lucy here. You can't stop me. (As he speaks he is backing between the desk and the door at stage right, placing his back close to the cannon shelf. Short has followed him around and is between him and the door, but down stage slightly. JAY is near the desk.SHORT motions him toward it.) SHORT: Yes, we'll stop you, but it has to be . . . NOW! (SHORT grabs LUCY away as JAY hits the call button on the desk. There is a bang, BOB falls to the floor. LUCY and ARAMINTA kneel by the body.) LUCY: Get away from him, look what you've done. BAMBI: Oh, what happened? MARGERY: How did you do that? SHORT: He was caught in his own trap. BAMBI help me reset it. It was a pretty ingenious weapon. SUSAN: What weapon? JAY: The cannon, it was wired up to the call button. PRESTON: You're kidding. That was the weapon? SHORT: That was it. Dr. Farley set it up this afternoon. He even tested it when he thought he was alone. He told Ms. Ramsey that story about trying out the blank gun to cover it up. She probably scared him as much as he did her. GEORGIA: What about the gun behind the wall? SHORT: He planted it to divert suspicion, make it seem like someone backstage fired it. It obviously hadn't been used that recently. Luckily for you folks it wasn't, a bullet from that might have gone through three or four of you. GENE: What happens now? SHORT: Well, thanks to Jay over there, Farley's out of it for good. I think the rest of us heard enough to make a good case against Mrs. Simon for conspiracy, or accessory. ARAMINTA: I didn't do it, you can't prove any of it. SHORT: Oh, I think we will. It was a clever idea. You might have fooled a "fictional" Parson Short, or even a real one. You were no match for a room full of sleuths. (To audience.) You all deserve a hand. End of play