Remote Control Book by Marcy Telles Characters: ABBY Teen-aged girl JOANNE Teen-aged girl REMOTE CONTROL Small child FIDO the Cat Teen-aged boy EMCEE/WIZARD/ Costumed RABBIT Teen-aged boy BOB the announcer/ Costume SALESMAN Teen-aged boy SORCERESS/FLOWER LADY Teen-aged girl TITANIA/GYPSY Teen-aged girl OBERON Teen-aged boy ROSE LEAF Older child COWSLIP Older child BLUEBELL Older child ANTI-TV TRIO Three good singers AD TRIO Three good singers FAIRIES Young children MASQUERADERS Children of various ages Act 1, scene 1: ABBY's living room We see the frame of an enormous television set, wide enough and tall enough for several people to appear within it. ABBY is lying on the floor in front of the TV, facing it at an angle. She is toying with a remote control (at this point, a real one) and reading a TV Guide. There's a phone lying next to her. ABBY: Hmm... Back-to-back reruns of Sassie the Wonder Dog. Raiders of the Refrigerator. Star Drek. How about a game show? What's My Sign is always good for a giggle... JOANNE enters. JOANNE: Hey, Abby! A bunch of us are going caroling and then for hot chocolate—want to come? ABBY: Oh, hi JoAnne. Caroling, huh? No thanks. There's plenty of holiday music on TV. She points the remote control at the TV and The AD TRIO appears within the TV frame. AD TRIO: It's almost the end Of the season to spend Max out your Mastercard Don't be so pensive Buy something expensive Max out your Mastercard. ABBY clicks the remote again and the AD TRIO appears again (possibly wearing moustaches or some other transparent disguise). AD TRIO: Buy, buy, buy Have happy holidays and buy, buy, buy 'Cause if you really love that special honey You'll spend money— It's time to buy, buy, buy! The scene on the TV freezes as JOANNE grabs the remote and clicks the Mute button. JOANNE: That's not holiday music! It's just commercials! ABBY: See, the thing is—if I go caroling with you, I'll miss all the afternoon game shows and by the time we get back there'll be nothing on but news. JOANNE: You've been watching TV since we got home from school! Get a life! ABBY has taken the remote back and switched channels, but it's on mute, so we just see an EMCEE (The WIZARD) gesturing enthusiastically. ABBY: Yeah. Whatever. Have a great time. See you tomorrow. JOANNE looks completely fed up and leaves. ABBY clicks the sound on. EMCEE: It's time for Name That Commercial, where those hours you waste watching TV can earn you valuable prizes. What do we have for them today, Bob? BOB: A lifetime subscription to...TV Snide! The EMCEE freezes and the lighting focus changes to ABBY. ABBY: I wish it was me up there on the screen. I'd like to have everybody watching me, instead of me doing all the watching. I said my first word to Big Bird My best friend was Scooby Doo It may sound absurd But I am sure When I grow up, here's what I want to do: I want to be on TV on that 16-inch screen I want to be a TV star! Want to smile, want to laugh, want to sign autographs I want to be a TV star! I can turn any letter that Vanna can. Say my lines with the zeal of a mannequin. I want to live on the boards, want to give out awards I want to be a TV star! Want my own slightly dense studio audience I want to be a TV star! I can sing, I can dance and tell clever jokes. I can act—guess I won't be a game show host. Oh how sweet life would be if my dream came to be I want to be a TV star! Mother's Voice (offstage): Abby! Time for bed! ABBY: Okay, mom. Just let me see who's on Letterman. She clicks the remote and the ANTI-TV TRIO appears on the TV. Singer 1: ...so don't miss this unique opportunity to experience royalty first hand. We need a princess, and she might as well be you. Live the lifestyle of the rich and famous, appear on talk shows—who knows, there might even be a Prince Charming in it for you! The TRIO sings: We're looking for a special girl To give the royal life a whirl Dial one-eight hundred-P-R-I-N-C-E-S-S And you could be our next princess! ABBY: Wow. That's a twist. I've heard of contests where you win a princess telephone, but I never realized you could get to be a princess by dialing a phone number! What was it again? The trio sings: Dial one-eight hundred-P-R-I-N-C-E-S-S And you could be our next princess! She picks up the phone and dials. Blackout. Act 1, scene 2: In another country The TV frame can be covered with a backdrop depicting a landscape, or it can be removed completely. The stage should suggest that ABBY is outside somewhere, in an unfamiliar- looking landscape. The ANTI-TV TRIO is standing nearby, along with an enormous REMOTE CONTROL (a person in a remote control costume). ABBY: Woah. Where am I? (She walks over to the trio) Pardon me? ANTI SINGER 1: Why? What did you do wrong? ABBY: That's what I want to know. One minute I'm dialing the phone, the next minute I'm...well, that brings me back to my first question. ANTI SINGER 2: You were dialing the phone? Who did you call? ANTI SINGERS 1 & 3: Ghostbusters! ABBY (with dignity): I was answering an advertisement. ANTI SINGER 3: Oh really? What sort of advertisement? ABBY: Well—it was kind of a job offer, actually. They're looking for a girl who wants to be a princess... The singers begin circling ABBY and looking her over. She becomes uncomfortable. ABBY: Pardon me! ANTI SINGER 2: She keeps begging for our forgiveness. What sort of criminal do you suppose she is? ABBY: It's just a figure of speech. It means "Stop doing that." ANTI SINGER 3: It would be more straightforward to say "Stop doing that." (To the others) Barbarians! What can you do with them? ABBY: Barbarian! I don't think so! We have a fax machine, a microwave and an electric letter opener! ANTI SINGER 1: There's more to being civilized than a microwave, dearie. Now, why don't you tell us some more about this ad. Maybe we can help. ABBY: I dialed 1-800-P-R-I-N Trio: C-E-S-S. You'd like to be our next princess! ABBY: That's it! You must have seen the same ad! So, where do I go to apply? ANTI SINGER 2: If you don't mind my saying so, you seem a bit over the top for someone who wants to be a princess. ANTI SINGER 3: Yes. If you're serious about being a princess, you'd better exercise some control— for example, remote control. (The REMOTE CONTROL walks over to ABBY) ANTI SINGER 1: And as far as where you should go—why not use the remote? ABBY: The remote, eh? Well, that's what I do best, after all. Let's see. The buttons look familiar. On, off, volume...hmmm. (She clicks the Channel Up button and the AD TRIO appears. As they sing, ABBY sinks to the ground and watches in a mesmerized way. AD TRIO: Be careful—don't exert yourself Be careful—you might hurt yourself Lean back in your chair Don't go anywhere Put on the shopping channel and forget all your cares Be careful—let your thoughts dissolve Be careful—don't get too involved The world's full of strangers Unspecified dangers It's not up to you to be a rescue ranger. The two trios are clearly vying for ABBY's attention. There seem to be some rules, however, governing what they can and cannot say. Each trio struggles to remain within the rules, but still get ABBY's attention. AD SINGER 1: Don't touch that remote! We'll be right back with your favorite game show, Mindless Drivel, after this word from our sponsor... ANTI SINGER 1: You could try another channel... ABBY: I guess...but I really like Mindless Drivel. Maybe I'll just stay here and see what comes on. ANTI SINGER 2: There might be something better on another channel. ABBY: (She brightens) Yeah, that's true. (she clicks the Channel Up button again) ANTI-TV TRIO: Get moving—and don't hesitate Get moving—'cause your life won't wait Life is passing you by Opportunities fly You won't know what you've missed unless you give it a try Get moving—cut that canned applause Get moving—don't put life on Pause Stay in the moment Abby, get goin' Start living for the present—just like Santa Claus ANTI SINGER 3: This just in: the Princess position remains open, but for a limited time only. If you are interested in the position, click the Fast Forward button on your remote control. AD SINGER 3: (elbowing his way in front of the Anti TV trio) On the other hand, the position might already be filled. Mindless Drivel is just about to begin... ANTI SINGER 1: (elbowing his way in front of the AD TRIO) It's probably a repeat. ABBY: Oh, what the heck. Does this thing have a Fast Forward button...? Act 1, scene 3: At the Wizard's A large chair is moved on to stage left. On it, the WIZARD is dozing. His costume should resemble the loud suit of a Fifties game show host. A large cat (FIDO) is asleep at his feet. ABBY and the REMOTE CONTROL enter. ABBY: Hello? WIZARD: (Wakes with a start) Hello, hello, hello! And our next contestant is—introduce yourself, sweetheart. ABBY: I'm Abby Sharpe. BOB, the announcer, runs in with a large card reading "Applause" and leads the audience in a round of applause, which he then cuts off abruptly with a finger across his neck. WIZARD: And what do you do, Abby? ABBY: Well, I'm a student right now, but I hope to be a princess in the very near future. WIZARD: Is that a broad hint or what! BOB holds up "Laughter" card, and again cuts off the response. So, you want to be a princess. Well, Bob— shall we give her The Test? ABBY: Test? No one said anything about a test. WIZARD: You didn't think you could just waltz in and grab a tiara, did you? Is that how it works on What's My Sign? ABBY: No, I guess not. WIZARD: Bob? BOB: Today's Final Royalty Answer is: It's the most important button on your remote control. The REMOTE CONTROL models its buttons. ABBY: What does that have to do with being a princess? BOB: It's the most important button on your remote control. ABBY: But—princesses just wave and smile and talk to the tabloids. How much do you need to know to be able to do that? WIZARD: In this kingdom, a princess is a different sort of person. She must be able to resolve disputes, and she must demonstrate patience, wisdom, and good humor. ABBY: Hmm. That sounds hard. WIZARD: It is hard. That's why we have to make sure that the person we choose as a princess can do hard things. Like come up with the correct response . In the category "Television," Bob, would you repeat the Final Royalty Answer? BOB: It's the... ABBY: I know, I know. BOB: You have thirty seconds to respond. Please make sure your response is in the form of a question. "Thinking " music plays as ABBY fumbles for a response. She points to various buttons on the REMOTE CONTROL, but keeps changing her mind. ABBY: Oh, man! The volume control? I mean, what is the volume control? No? What is the channel changer? BOB holds up the "Awww" sign. WIZARD: I'm sorry. You won't be a princess this time, but we do have a consolation prize for you. You have been selected to head the Princess Search Committee! And you'll receive these valuable prizes! Tell her what she's won, Bob! BOB: A trip to Bermuda! (He holds up the "Ooh and Ahh" sign. You'll spend four days and one night at the fabulous Shorts Hotel. The Bermuda Shorts is a... WIZARD: Not that one, Bob. BOB: Ah. How about this? Indulge your chocoholic fantasies with a case of...Gooey Bars! The official snack of the Swiss Surfing Team, the Gooey Bar is sure to please...dentists! WIZARD: Hmm. Bob is having a little trouble with his cue cards, folks. Try that again, Bob. BOB: Umm. Here it is. You're bound to appreciate the healthy, delicious qualities of...milk! FIDO wakes up and listens intently. BOB: Not only is milk a great energy drink, but it may help you to make important new friends! FIDO comes over and rubs against ABBY's leg. BOB: Milk! It's the white stuff from cows! (He holds up "Applause" sign.) WIZARD: Congratulations, Abby. Now you and FIDO, here, can set off to find us a princess. So tell the folks at home—how will you go about it? ABBY: I haven't the faintest idea. AD TRIO enters. AD SINGER 1: And why should you? They sing: Ideas are not your specialty And why would you want them to be? Why get involved? Why problem-solve? You don't owe them your loyalty There's no need for sweat and strain Just sit back and be entertained Let someone else Solve it himself Don't worry your pretty young brain. WIZARD: These folks seem to think that it's not worth your while to find us a princess, Abby. ABBY: Well is it? Will I win fabulous prizes? WIZARD: Besides the milk, you mean? ABBY: I was hoping for something more exciting. WIZARD: What did you have in mind? ABBY: I've always wanted to be a TV star—could you get me a guest appearance on a TV show? WIZARD: I think that could be arranged. ABBY: All right! So how do I start? WIZARD: Let me run a few ideas past you, Abby. There's the glass slipper routine, made famous by Cinderella. And as we all know, she lived happily ever after. Or there's the pea- under-the-mattress trick. Works like a Prince Charming. ABBY: What would you suggest? Personally. WIZARD: Personally, I'd check with the Sorceress first. She sees a lot of stuff in that crystal of hers. ANTI-TV TRIO enters and sings: If you want to find success Go and see the Sorceress She'll sing you a spell that you won't believe She'll tell you a tale that is tall indeed She may point the way to the princess Go and see the Sorcer No, we don't mean Chaucer See the Sorceress! ABBY: But how do I find her? WIZARD: You're the one in control, Abby. ABBY: You mean, I should use the remote control? WIZARD: Try it and see. ABBY: Let's see, last time, I clicked Fast Forward. Will that work again, I wonder? (She clicks the Fast Forward button and everyone starts moving very quickly.) Oh, dear. That doesn't seem right. Let's try Rewind. (She clicks the Rewind button and everyone reverses their actions. When they reach their original positions, ABBY clicks Stop.) I think I need some help here. WIZARD: What do you do when you don't like what you're watching? ABBY: I change channels. WIZARD: Might be worth a try. (ABBY clicks the Channel Up button) The AD TRIO enters and sings: Be careful—don't exert yourself... ABBY: Oh, that old thing. (She clicks the Channel Up button again.) The Anti TV trio sings and gestures in the direction for her to follow: Go and see the Sorcer No, we don't mean Chaucer See the Sorceress! (Blackout) Act 1, scene 4: At the Sorceress' A cavelike structure is moved on and the SORCERESS appears, gazing into a large crystal ball. She is humming to herself in an operatic sort of way. ABBY, FIDO, and the REMOTE CONTROL enter. ABBY: Oh, great. We seem to be at the Hard Rock Café on Open Mike night. Let's try lowering the volume. She fiddles with the REMOTE CONTROL and the SORCERESS gets louder. ABBY: Darn. Wrong button. FIDO stands between her and the remote and points firmly toward the cave. ABBY: Don't you think whoever is in there might prefer to sing without an audience? I would, if I sounded like that. FIDO is pretty insistent about entering the cave. ABBY: Oh, all right. They enter the cave and the lights focus on the SORCERESS and her crystal. The SORCERESS doesn't appear to notice them, and they stand to one side, listening. SORCERESS: Long ago, far away Where the lizards jump and play. ABBY: Lizards? (she looks around nervously) SORCERESS: Where the clouds meet the ground, Where the dragons can be found. ABBY: Lizards and dragons. I sense an amphibious theme here. (FIDO motions her to be quiet.) SORCERESS: In her fair womanhood, Princess of the royal blood. ABBY: Woah! Excuse me—did you say Princess? FIDO points the REMOTE CONTROL at ABBY and hits the Mute button. SORCERESS: Diadem, cloth of gold, Hidden in the leafy mould. ABBY wrests control of the REMOTE CONTROL from FIDO and un- mutes herself. ABBY: But she's talking about the princess! Let's fast-forward and find out where she's at! FIDO, exasperated, mutes her again. There is a silent, ongoing struggle as the SORCERESS hums or sings on "la," but ABBY finally agrees to be quiet and listen. SORCERESS: Many look, many seek, See what they expect to see Scepter, crown, ermine robe These familiar signs they know. Royalty's elements What of deeper evidence? Those of stuff sterner made Understand the masquerade Far from here, far away Meadows where the fairies play Laughter may prove the source Laughter may reveal the course Titania and Oberon May know where the lost one's gone. FIDO indicates smug satisfaction. ABBY: All right, all right. I'll admit that it's some kind of clue. A meadow, some fairies, a disguise. But who are Titania and Oberon? SORCERESS: Why, they are the king and queen of the fairies, of course. ABBY: Oh, sorry—I didn't mean to interrupt your spell or anything. SORCERESS: Oh, it's done. ABBY: What was it? Some kind of magical conjuring thing? Like to bring up spirits? SORCERESS: Actually, it's just a household spell. Makes great muffins. Want one? (She offers a muffin to ABBY) ABBY: Mmm. Not bad. So, according to your muffin spell, I should look for the princess in a meadow full of fairies? SORCERESS: Ah! You are the new head of the Princess Search Committee! Of course. Well, yes. A meadow full of fairies would be ideal. If you can find it. ABBY: Any ideas on where to look? SORCERESS: (Gestures vaguely) Oh, somewhere out in the country, I expect. ABBY: Thanks. I guess. (She turns to leave.) SORCERESS: Wait a moment. I have something for you. (She rummages in a large bag, pulling out improbable objects and discarding them.) ABBY: Oh! Like a cloak of invisibility? Or a crystal ball? SORCERESS: Ah! Here we are. It's a gift for the princess. ABBY: Oh. For the princess. SORCERESS: Yes. It's a gift. ABBY: What is it? SORCERESS: It's a flask of time. Give it to the princess when you find her, there's a dear. And now I'd better get started on my next spell if I want a cup of coffee before noon. ABBY: Why would a princess need a flask of time? SORCERESS: Perhaps you'll answer that question yourself, dear. In time. ABBY: Well, goodbye then. FIDO and the REMOTE CONTROL look at ABBY expectantly. ABBY: I don't know where to find Titanium and Overall any better than you do. Let's see what those TV guys have to say. ABBY clicks the Channel Up button and the EMCEE/WIZARD appears. WIZARD: This is a test of the Emergency Broadcasting System... ABBY hastily clicks again, but the WIZARD is on every channel. WIZARD: This is only a test... ABBY: He's on every channel! Oh, this is a drag. (She clicks the Off button.) I guess we'll just have to look for those fairies on our own. The two trios enter from either side of the stage, salute each other ruefully, and leave. They exit and the cave is pulled offstage, the SORCERESS following it, gazing into her crystal and humming. Act 1, scene 5: The Fairies TITANIA, OBERON, and the FAIRIES do a simple dance as ABBY, the REMOTE CONTROL, and FIDO enter and watch from one side. FAIRIES: Who wants to live in a house of stone? Shut up inside of a room alone? Watching, alas Through a small square of glass That is a sad sort of home We'd rather live underneath the sky Feeling the breeze as the birds fly by Tumbling around On the soft, springy ground Hearing the wind's lullaby Chickadee down for our featherbed Rose petal pillows to rest our heads Drapes of Queen Anne's Lace A Flower-stem staircase Ceiling of stars overhead ABBY: We've been walking forever. There's some dancers over there—do you think those could be the fairies? (FIDO nods vigorously). Yeah, well you thought those other dancers were fairies, too. And they turned out to be a Judo class. I don't want to make that mistake again. TITANIA: All right, everyone! It's time to begin the contest. Whoever can best amuse us will earn a magical prize. Who wants to go first? OBERON: I see a volunteer. Rose Leaf will begin the contest. ROSE LEAF: I think your majesties will find this pretty amusing! Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat! (Reaches into hat and pulls out cabbage). Aha! Well, he's bound to come out now—I've got his dinner! (He holds the cabbage next to the hat and calls the rabbit) Here, bunny, bunny. (Reaches into hat again and pulls out a note). "I'm going to try my luck as a solo act. Good luck amusing the king and queen. Love, B. Rabbit." Hmm. Maybe someone else would like to take a turn while I train another rabbit? The REMOTE CONTROL clicks the Channel Up button at the crowd of FAIRIES. OBERON: Another volunteer? Ah, Cowslip would like to try. COWSLIP: Your Majesties (he bows). For your pleasure, I will recite an excerpt from my new poem, "The Maven." Ahem. Once upon a frog so slimy Where I sat, becoming grimy Wondering if my mother would With me wipe up the kitchen floor As I sat there undercover While I waited to discover If the froggy had a mother Yet another herbivore Quoth the froggy "What a bore." TITANIA: I fully share the froggy's sentiments. COWSLIP: I'm not quite sure about the last line. Quoth the froggy "Dinah Shore?" Quoth the froggy, "Boy I'm sore?" ABBY and FIDO both leap for the Channel Up button together, but nothing happens. ABBY: (to the REMOTE CONTROL) What's wrong? Are your batteries dead? The Remote shrugs, presses buttons with no results, shrugs again. OBERON: We're running low on contestants, my dear. Bluebell, would you care to try? BLUEBELL: I don't know how to do anything amusing. TITANIA: Surely you must know how to do something. Can you sing or dance? Do you play an instrument? BLUEBELL: I can pat my head while I rub my tummy. OBERON: (Sighs) Very well. BLUEBELL: (Pats head and rubs tummy, looking very pleased with himself) And I thought of another thing. I can count backwards from one hundred. 100, 99, 98, 97... OBERON: I think we can figure out how it goes from there. You can stop now. Isn't there anyone else who can do amusing things? FIDO urges ABBY forward. ABBY: I can't do anything amusing! Besides, I thought we were on an important mission! FIDO mimes her TV song from Act 1. Oh, that! Hey—wait a minute—how did you know about me wanting to be a TV star? FIDO refuses to be distracted. Oh, all right. (She walks over to TITANIA and OBERON). I know a little song I can sing. OBERON: Excellent. Let's hear it. ABBY: I want to be on TV on that 16-inch screen I want to be a TV star! Want to smile, want to laugh, want to sign autographs I want to be a TV star! The FAIRIES are bewildered, scratching their heads and looking at each other with puzzled expressions. ABBY stops singing. What's wrong? Don't you even know what a TV star is? Oh. I guess you don't get cable out here, huh? Well, I can try a different song, I guess. Let's see. You probably like fairy tales, right? The FAIRIES nod enthusiastically. Well, I was never really good at fairy tales, myself. But maybe, if you help me out... I have the silliest memory For fairy tales and stories The once-upon-a-time is clear to me But the happy-ever-after's fuzzy Now see if you can straighten me out And tell me who the tale is really about Cinderella Met her fella They lived happ'ly ever after She was the apple of his eye When she climbed that beanstalk to the sky... Oh, gosh! Oh, gee! Oh, silly me! It wasn't Cinderella on that old Beanstalk I guess it must have been Goldilocks No? It wasn't Goldilocks? Are you sure? Who was it? Jack? Jack who? Jack Horner? Young Jack Horner In the corner Wishing that his pie was warmer He picked out a plum and said "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" Oh, gosh! Oh, gee! Oh, silly me! It wasn't Jack who met those three bears It must've been Sleeping Beauty upstairs! No? It wasn't Sleeping Beauty? You're positive now? It was Goldilocks? Really? That blonde beauty Was a cutie Found a house out in the wood, she Held a bowl of porridge in her hand Asking "Who is the fairest in the land?" Oh, gosh! Oh, gee! Oh, silly me! It wasn't Sleeping Goldilocks It was Alice—Yeah—that's what I thought! Oh thanks so much for helping me To get my stories right We didn't do my favorite one Perhaps another night But I know just how that one goes It's simple—why, of course! The story of Rapunzel and the Seven Dwarves! All the FAIRIES are laughing. TITANIA: Oh! That was wonderful! OBERON: Simply hilarious! Give her the prize, my dear. ABBY: What is the prize? TITANIA: Something no one should be without—a box of fairy laughter. You may have a giggle or two, but please save the belly laughs for the princess. You are the head of the Princess Search Committee, aren't you. ABBY: Yes. Do you know where she is? OBERON: Just this morning, a bumblebee told us that the new princess can be found in a place of disguises. TITANIA: More than that we cannot say. ROSE LEAF: A place of disguises? Hmm. I just heard that there is to be a masquerade ball tonight in the kingdom of Dressage. ABBY: Where is that? BLUEBELL: It's quite nearby. Two kingdoms to the east. COWSLIP: I could accompany you if you like. It would give you the opportunity of hearing "The Maven" in it's entirety. Quoth the Froggy "Albert Gore?" The REMOTE CONTROL begins frantically pushing the Off button. ABBY: Um, thank you for the offer, but... FIDO plays dead. ABBY: Fido here has some kind of cold or something and I wouldn't want you to catch it—it could ruin your reciting voice. TITANIA: How very thoughtful of you, dear. Cowslip, we can't afford to have your lovely voice get hoarse. Better stay here with us. COWSLIP: (Nervously fingers his throat) Certainly. Certainly. ABBY: Goodbye, then! The FAIRIES wave goodbye and exit. Scene 6: Fred's House o' Disguise ABBY: Where do you think we should look, when we get to Dressage? FIDO mimes putting a mask on. ABBY: The masquerade ball? Well, how will we get in there without costumes? The AD TRIO and the ANTI TRIO enter and begin setting up the costume shop. This can just be two screens, with bits and pieces of costumes draped over them. BOTH TRIOS: Nobody will know you if you wear a mask In your costume, you'll look sweet, oh You can travel incognito Who can you turn to? Do you have to ask? We carry all sizes Fred's House O' Disguises When we enrobe you Your own mom won't know you Don't wait til you're posthumous To get a costume just Come to Fred's House O' Disguise! Costume SALESMAN enters. SALESMAN: We're a little short on costumes tonight. Simply everyone has been in here, getting a costume for the masquerade ball. ABBY: That's where we're going, too. SALESMAN: What kind of costume did you have in mind? ABBY: We need the kind of costume that will make a princess want to come over and talk to us. SALESMAN: Hmm. I'm not sure I've ever had a request quite like that before. What sort of costume do you think would attract a princess? FIDO thinks about this and goes behind a screen. He returns dragging a witch's hat. ABBY: I don't think a princess would want to talk to a witch! If I were a princess, I'd avoid witches like the plague. The REMOTE CONTROL goes behind the other screen and drags out a prince's cape. ABBY: A prince's cape. Well, that's a little better. She might want to talk to a prince. But I have the feeling that there will be lots of princes there. SALESMAN: That is definitely so. This store has been overrun with princes today. In fact, I see another one at the front door now. Yoo hoo! Your highness! He exits. ABBY: I think I should dress up as the princess herself. She'd be very curious about that. If I saw someone dressed as me, I'd want to know more about them. Of course, we don't know what the princess looks like, but if I were a princess, what would I wear? She goes behind a screen and we hear her voice as FIDO and the REMOTE CONTROL listen to her. ABBY: If I had had to pick out a princess costume a few days ago, I would have picked a long, fancy dress and a tiara. But now I have a different idea. If I were princess, I'd want a nice, comfortable outfit that would be good for walking around and talking to my subjects. Something in a cheerful color, to make them smile. FIDO and the REMOTE CONTROL indicate approval. ABBY: And a knapsack. Which is great, because I can put all these gifts in it... She emerges in a pretty but practical princess outfit. ABBY: Now, what are you two going to wear? I dressed like the princess so I can meet the princess. You should dress up like someone you want to meet. FIDO goes behind the screen and begins tossing costumes around energetically. The REMOTE CONTROL is more systematic. ABBY: For example, if you want to meet a rich kitty, dress up like a fancy Persian cat. If you want... FIDO emerges, dressed as a mouse. The REMOTE CONTROL comes out dressed as a toaster oven. ABBY: Well, it's an approach. Okay—it's getting late. Let's go to the ball. End of Act I Act II, Scene 1: The Masquerade Ball Actors in various costumes enter and remove the screens and costumes. They form small groups and behave like the attendees of a party. Among those onstage are a GYPSY (the SORCERESS in disguise), a FLOWER LADY (TITANIA in disguise) and a RABBIT (the WIZARD in disguise), as well as someone dressed as a Keystone Kop and someone dressed as a TV. All: (Same tune as Fred's House O Disguise) Nobody will know you if you wear a mask In your costume, you'll look sweet, oh You can travel incognito Where can you wear it? Do you have to ask? These costumes were made for This fine Masquerade Ball Where there's a whole lot of us Being anonymous Don't wait til you're posthumous To wear a costume just Come to the Masquerade Ball! ABBY: Wow. There sure are a lot of people here. Which one do you think is the princess? FIDO examines various people and points at the woman dressed as a GYPSY. ABBY approaches the GYPSY. ABBY: Good evening. What a lovely costume. GYPSY: Thank you, my dear. ABBY: (aside to FIDO) How do I find out if she's the princess? FIDO points to her knapsack and ABBY nods and rummages through it. While ABBY is distracted, the GYPSY pulls aside her mask to show the audience she is the SORCERESS. She motions them to silence. FIDO and the REMOTE CONTROL wander off. FIDO can be seen periodically chasing someone in a mouse costume. The REMOTE CONTROL can either sidle up to inanimate objects or click at people, causing them to fast forward or rewind. ABBY: Here we are. (She holds up the flask of time) I wonder if you've ever seen anything quite like this? GYPSY: What a cunning little bottle. ABBY: It's a flask of time. GYPSY: Whatever for? ABBY: I guess everyone can use a little extra time. GYPSY: Ah, I see. How clever. I've never seen anything like that. ABBY: It seems like something a princess would want, doesn't it? GYPSY: I'm sure I don't know. That woman over there might have a better idea about what princesses need. ABBY: Oh! Which one? GYPSY: The one in that marvelous flower outfit. ABBY: I'll go and ask her. But, I was just wondering if you were... GYPSY: Oh, I mustn't tell you who I am, dear. Not before midnight. That would spoil all the fun. She moves away behind some other figures. ABBY looks at the FLOWER LADY, then turns back to speak to the GYPSY, but she is already gone. ABBY: Actually, ma'am, I'm...where did she go? And where's Fido, for that matter? Oh, well. Maybe it's the Flower Lady I'm after. ABBY approaches the FLOWER LADY. ABBY: How do you do? I'm the head of the Princess Search Committee and the GYPSY told me I might want to talk to you? FLOWER LADY: How flattering. I wonder what she had in mind. ABBY: Well, you see, I'm looking for someone rather special, but I'm not sure how to recognize her. FLOWER LADY: How fascinating! A game! I love games. Perhaps you should try displaying a secret sign—some token that only your special person would recognize. ABBY: I tried that, but it didn't seem to work. FLOWER LADY: Maybe you chose the wrong token. Or showed it to the wrong person. FIDO and the REMOTE CONTROL find their way back to ABBY. FIDO tugs at her sleeve. ABBY: Excuse me, ma'am. As ABBY talks to FIDO, the FLOWER LADY moves her mask to show the audience she is TITANIA and motions the audience to silence. FIDO points at the knapsack and mimes laughter. ABBY: Well, I'll try it, but your last idea didn't work all that well. (She pulls the box of laughter from the knapsack and shows it to the FLOWER LADY). What do you make of this box? FLOWER LADY: Lovely. What's inside? ABBY: Laughter. FLOWER LADY: Whatever for? ABBY: I was hoping that special someone I was telling you about could tell me. That would be a royal help, if you get my drift. FLOWER LADY: I'm afraid I don't. But I'm not terribly clever. That large rabbity-looking fellow over there is much smarter than I am. Maybe he can help you. FIDO spots the mouse again and takes off. ABBY starts to follow him, but is distracted by a masquerader dressed as a television set. ABBY: Boy! It seems like ages since I've watched TV. I wonder if this thing works. She points the REMOTE CONTROL at the TV costume and it apparently begins to work (it can be at an angle that is not viewable by the audience). We might be able to hear a muted version of an AD TRIO song from offstage, or something to suggest TV sounds. ABBY: Cool! A loud quarrel that breaks out between the RABBIT, the GYPSY, and the FLOWER LADY. The REMOTE CONTROL wanders over to watch. ABBY's attention is divided between the TV and the quarrel. She might try switching channels, realize the Remote has wandered off, and finally notice the quarrel at the point indicated. RABBIT: Give that back to me! GYPSY: Whatever are you talking about, my good Rabbit? RABBIT: You know perfectly well what I'm talking about, you thieving GYPSY—give me back my locket! FLOWER LADY: I don't believe she was anywhere near you. RABBIT: So! You're in this together, eh? Give me that golden locket or I'll unmask you here and now! Reluctantly, ABBY turns away from the television. She grabs the REMOTE CONTROL and mutes the RABBIT and the FLOWER LADY and waits until they've calmed down a bit. ABBY: What exactly is the problem here? RABBIT: (with dignity) That painted hussy stole my golden locket. It was a present for the Princess! ABBY: Do you know the princess? RABBIT: I'm practically her godfather. ABBY: Where is she? RABBIT: If I knew that, I'd hardly be parading around like the Easter Bunny, would I? I haven't seen her since she was a child. But we were like this (he holds up two crossed fingers). That locket contains her portrait. He lunges toward the GYPSY, but she ducks out of his way and he slams into an innocent bystander, who turns around angrily. Soon, a brawl has started. ABBY, trying to get out of the way, notices the gold locket lying on the floor. She scoops it up and, grabbing a large whistle from someone dressed as a Keystone Kop, whistles loudly until the fighting stops and everyone looks at her dazedly. She holds up the locket and the RABBIT comes forward, embarrassed, to take it. ABBY: All right, everyone—listen up. I have two things to show you. First of all, here's the locket. It must have fallen out of your pocket. Silly Rabbit. RABBIT: I am a silly Rabbit, making such a fuss. You'd better keep it, after all. Maybe it will bring you good luck. You can give it to the Princess when you find her. ABBY: If I find her. At least you're not fighting any more. Let's all shake hands and forget this happened. It was all a silly misunderstanding. GYPSY: What else did you want to show us dear? Something on TV? A sit-com, perhaps? ABBY: I don't think we need any canned laughter—but we might be able to use some boxed laughter. I'm sure the Princess won't mind if we use part of hers. She opens the box of laughter. ABBY: When you're down in the dumps And you've taken some lumps And you haven't had a nice day— How do you take that frown And turn it upside down? Make like a hyena and laugh your cares away. All: A little tickle Becomes a giggle That with some luck'll Grow up to be a chuckle You gotta learn to laugh! If you feel cordial Emit a little chortle That with a knack'll Grow up to be a cackle You gotta learn to laugh! Snigger, twitter Giggle, titter let out a good guffaw Snort and bubble Crow and chuckle I want to hear you roar! A little simper Becomes a snicker And it starts growin Until you're crowin You gotta learn to Now it's your turn to You gotta learn to laugh! A loud meow sounds from off stage. FIDO runs in and holds up an enlarged telegram. ALL (except ABBY): The Princess has been found. Stop. (The REMOTE CONTROL clicks Off, then On) Return to palace at once. Stop! All except ABBY react with surprise and excitement and rush off stage, leaving ABBY alone, mid-stage, holding the empty laughter box. Blackout Act II, scene 2: The Wizard's Palace The WIZARD is once again dozing on the throne and no one else is in sight as ABBY enters. ABBY: Ahem. I beg your pardon—oh, I wasn't going to say that any more. WIZARD: Eh? What's that? Oh, it's you. Well, we've found the Princess, so you're free to leave. Go back home and watch TV to your heart's content. ABBY: Yes. Of course. I'll head home in a minute, but I wanted to make sure the princess got these. WIZARD: Got what? ABBY: These presents. I'll just leave them over here by the throne. I guess I ought to write a little note, so the Princess understands what they all are. She rummages in her knapsack, carefully lining up the presents next to the throne and taking a pad and paper out, she begins to write as she sings. Hello, your highness Welcome, princess All of your subjects Wish you the best They sent these presents To help you to be The very best princess In all royalty These gifts are precious Though they may seem strange I think you will value them If I explain This flask of time May not seem like much But life gallops by Too quick to discuss If you ever lose your patience, like me— A little extra time can help you wait and see. If ever after Is not all you hoped This box of laughter Just might help you cope A couple of giggles, a snicker or two Can put things in perspective when you're feeling blue If things get boring And your day bogs down A glance at this portrait Will turn you around I guess it's a picture of you as a child Just see how far you've come in such a little while. I hope you enjoy your new life as Princess I hope you rule wisely and measure success Not by the riches or fame you have found But only by the happiness you spread around WIZARD: Well, well. I'm very impressed ABBY. You worked very hard, even if you didn't actually find us a Princess. You won't get that guest appearance, but I'd like to give you a consolation prize. ABBY: No more milk, please. WIZARD: It's a different prize this time. He reaches behind the throne and brings out a shiny gold card. WIZARD: Here you are. ABBY: What is it? WIZARD: It's a golden library card. Valid at all real and imaginary branches. ABBY: Hmm. I've never had one of those. What do you use them for. WIZARD: Long ago, all the magic left your world. We don't know exactly why. We did what we could to replace it—planted magic seeds, so to speak. But the only place where the magic took root was in libraries. ABBY: Libraries? They don't seem very magical to me. Dusty old places full of books. WIZARD: A library might surprise you, Abby. In a library, you can see the whole world without leaving your hometown. When you open a book, it's like having a magical storyteller sit and tell you tales for hours on end, without ever getting tired. Where else can you find the answer to all your questions. ABBY: Answers? As in riddles? WIZARD: Sometimes. ABBY: So, that riddle you asked me when I first arrived—I could look it up in a library? WIZARD: You mean the riddle about the most important button on your remote control? ABBY: Yes. WIZARD: If you think about it for a second, I'll bet you know the answer to that one without needing to look it up. But before we get into that, I think it's time we looked inside the golden locket and find out what our new princess looks like. Here. You do the honors. ABBY opens the locket and looks confused. ABBY: Uh-oh. There is no picture. I hope I didn't lose it. Let me check my knapsack. She begins rummaging through the knapsack, but the WIZARD stops her. WIZARD: What is inside the locket? ABBY: Nothing. It's just sort of shiny. WIZARD: Well, let me put it another way. Whose face do you see? ABBY: What do you mean? Just mine. WIZARD: Exactly my point. Congratulations, Abby. I guess you found us a Princess after all. ABBY looks around, expecting to see a Princess somewhere. ABBY: What are you talking about? I tried to find the Princess, remember? I really did try. But I failed. WIZARD: Do you remember the requirements for our princess? She had to be able to resolve disputes, demonstrate patience, wisdom, and good humor. ABBY: I remember that part, all right. But...? WIZARD: I believe you resolved a rather violent dispute involving this very locket. He pulls out his RABBIT mask and peeps out from behind it. ABBY: That was you at the masquerade ball! The SORCERESS enters. SORCERESS: Yes. And I believe you discovered how to be patient—at least until the muffins were done. Want another one? She puts on her GYPSY mask and hands ABBY a muffin. ABBY: You too? TITANIA enters. TITANIA: And you certainly demonstrated good humor. My fairies keep complaining that their sides hurt from laughing. She puts on her FLOWER LADY mask. WIZARD: With your new insights—and your library card— you're as wise as an owl. So you see, we couldn't ask for a better princess than—you! ABBY: I'm the new princess? WIZARD: We were all rather concerned at first. All that television had turned you into a nasty little thing. But once you had some real-life problems to solve... SORCERESS: ...And some friends to help you solve them... TITANIA: ...You became quite wonderful. WIZARD: So will you do it? Will you stay and be our new princess? ABBY: I hardly know what to say. Where's FIDO? I can't possibly do it without his help. SORCERESS: Yes—he was quite an asset, wasn't he? And I suppose you'll want the remote control, as well. ABBY: Mmm. No. WIZARD: Why not? He was certainly a great help. ABBY: He was. And he was a lot of fun, in a certain way. But I think I'd like more direct control at this point. I think I'll let him recharge his batteries for a while. But where's FIDO? Has something happened to him? TITANIA: Well, Abby, in our land people are often under a magic spell. And that is the case with Fido. Because of some bad behavior, Fido was enchanted. He took the form of a cat and could not speak a word except "meow." SORCERESS: But thanks to his good work in helping you, the spell has been broken. ABBY: You mean he isn't enchanted any more? He can speak and...everything? TITANIA: And everything! ABBY: Is he a prince? SORCERESS: Not exactly. FIDO enters. He is a mouse. ABBY: So that's why you wanted that costume! Can you really talk now? FIDO: (trying it out) I...I guess I can! Say! I'm starved. What happened to that lifetime supply of milk? ABBY: Fido—mice don't like milk. Mice like cheese. FIDO: I was a cat for a long, long time. Milk sounds good to me. Be grateful that I never developed a taste for mice! ABBY: Fido, they want me to be the princess—will you help me to rule the kingdom? FIDO: My pleasure. Let's have a celebration Let's have some joy and laughter Time for jubilation Time for the happy ever after Let's have real rejoicing And gladsome merrymaking Let all the girls and boys sing Let's set the rafters shaking Bring the neighbors and all our friends Let them know how the story ends Open the door, invite them in Let festivities now begin Let's have a celebration Let's have some joy and laughter Time for jubilation Time for the happy ever after And we'll all live happ'ly ever after! Act II, scene 3: ABBY's living room JOANNE enters, looking for ABBY. JOANNE: Abby? Abby! We had a great time... Where can she be? She isn't usually very far from the TV set. Well, I might as well see what's on. JOANNE picks up the remote and clicks it at the television. The Anti TV trio appears. Here's our new majesty Our bit of royalty Pretty as a picture Witty as a wizard Patient, kind, and smart The princess who won our hearts! ABBY appears on the TV in her princess outfit, waving and smiling. With her are the WIZARD, FIDO, the REMOTE CONTROL, and other characters. JOANNE: (rubbing her eyes) That looks just like—it can't be. Abby? ABBY: Thank you, thank you. When the Wizard asked me to look for a new princess, I said I would do it if he gave me a prize—and the prize I chose was a guest appearance on TV. So here I am! I'm very proud that you've chosen me as your princess. And now I have a question for all of you. It's a question someone asked me, not too long ago. I didn't know the answer then, but I know it now. The question is—what is the most important button on your remote control? She looks around expectantly. The REMOTE CONTROL turns around slowly, displaying his buttons. If you knew the right answer, you wouldn't be able to see or hear me right now. Because the most important button on your remote control is—OFF. And now that I've realized that, I have something else to tell you—I don't think I can stay and be your princess after all. I've decided that a guest appearance on TV isn't really as interesting as a starring role in my own life. Now don't panic—you have a perfectly good ruler right here. Where's Fido? FIDO comes forward. Fido, you have just as much patience, good humor and wisdom as I ever did—and without even being able to talk. Just think what you'll be able to do now. She places the crown on his head as he kneels. Good luck, Fido. I know you'll be a great prince. Well, it's time for this station to sign off! She clicks the Off button on the REMOTE CONTROL and steps through the television set. Whew. JOANNE: (gaping at her in shock) Abby! You just came out of a television set! ABBY: I know. And I'm never going back in there again. Princess or no princess. JOANNE: No—I mean, you were inside the TV! She walks around the television, trying to figure out how ABBY did it. ABBY: Listen, JoAnne. I found out something really important today. JOANNE: Yeah. How to get inside a television. ABBY: No! I found out how to get outside a television. Oh, JoAnne—there's so much I want to do! I want to go sledding and build a snowman and sing carols and light candles and... JOANNE: Abby, what on earth has happened to you? ABBY: I got a life! I can't wait to tell you about all my adventures. And all my friends! The wizard, the sorceress, Titania and Oberon... JOANNE: Are you feeling okay? ABBY: You know your problem, JoAnne? You've been watching too much television. You need to use your imagination a little. Now, close your eyes and imagine a throne room, with this wizard on the throne and an enchanted mouse curled up on the floor... The other characters drift in as ABBY describes them. And imagine a cave with a wild woman singing muffin spells, and a meadow filled with fairies ruled by Titania and Oberon. JOANNE: (with eyes closed) Okay. I can see them. What are they doing? ABBY: Dancing. And singing. And telling stories. But most of all, laughing. All: A little tickle Becomes a giggle That with some luck'll Grow up to be a chuckle You gotta learn to laugh! If you feel cordial Emit a little chortle That with a knack'll Grow up to be a cackle You gotta learn to laugh! Snigger, twitter Giggle, titter let out a good guffaw Snort and bubble Crow and chuckle I want to hear you roar! A little simper Becomes a snicker And it starts growin Until you're crowin You gotta learn to Now it's your turn to You gotta learn to laugh! Encore?: Oh, you don't need that TV To be who You can be Turn off that set and get a life! Life's too big It can't fit On that six- teen inch screen Turn off that set and get a life! Join a team Ride a bicycle Read a book Take a walk Talk to somebody Learn to cook You've got your own Life to live You've got so Much to give Turn off that set and get a Now don't forget to get a Turn off that set and get a life! Remote Control Remote Control 12 1/6/98