JULIET AND ROMEO A play in one act by Wayne Anthoney. Wayne Anthoney ph 0011 61 8 8390 1407 c/- Post Office, e-mail wayneant@baarnie.tafe.sa.edu.au Cherryville, South Australia 5134, AUSTRALIA Web site: http://www.eastend.com.au/~ecology/wayne/wayne.html --------------------------------------------------------------------- TYPE OF PLAY - Comedy AUDIENCE RATING - G. SYNOPSIS - This light-hearted clowns' version of Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" is intended for secondary school students who have already studied the original. The cast of four clowns and a tame musician, led by Sir John Feelgood, attempts to perform "Romeo and Juliet" as best they can. Sir John tries to keep the show on the road, but the others, though they try hard to keep their natural clown tendencies in check, can't resist the temptation to turn tragedy into farce. The spooks referred to in the cast list replace the various messengers, Friar John and so on. They should wear black cloaks and white half masks, the intention being to give the impression that they are the fates, in some way ganging up on the lovers. The only major characters omitted are Montague and Lady Capulet. Escalus, the Prince of Verona, has become Bob Hawke, but could equally be any notable authority figure. He should also wear a mask, so that he can be played by either of two actors. The set, preferably portable, should include a balcony window, a door, another window and a wall painted on a canopy which can be raised to become the ballroom and the interior of the tomb. - Wayne Anthoney. ------------------------------------------------------------------- JULIET & ROMEO CAST: Sir John Feelgood...Mercutio Doc Lawrence Capulet Bobhawk (Mediator) Spook Stash...............Tybalt Nurse (Mrs. Garvey) Paris Spook Fleabag.............Romeo Bobhawk (Mediator) Spook Mr. Joseph Pumpkin.............Juliet Benvolio Drug Seller (Spook) Boris Zabotski..... Keyboard musician and occasional commentator --------------------------------------------------------- The moving tragedy of love between members of opposing football cheer squads. (Boris Zabotski appears, looking very miserable, dressed as a jester. He sits at keyboard and plays a dirge. The clowns appear from the back of the audience, as the clown band, playing the dirge on assorted instruments and singing mournfully. Whatever they are good at. They try to cheer up Boris, give up and exit backstage. -------------------------------------------------- PROLOGUE - BENVOLIO Enter Benvolio. BEN: We present for you today, a real tear-jerker of a play. Never was there a tale of more woe, than this, of Juliet, and her Romeo. They loved each other beyond your wildest dreams, but unfortunately they barracked for different footy teams. Romeo was a cheer-leader for Verona Bold; Juliet, a pompom twirler for the Green and Gold. Whenever the fan clubs of the sides did meet, Always was there blood shed thick upon the street. Until at last there was an end to strife, But not before each had took their mortal life. And so, let us begin. (Exit) VOICES OFF: Rah rah rah! Etc ALL ENTER, SING FOOTBALL SONG - "GLORIOUS FOOTBALL". When football fever comes around, We march down to the hallowed ground, And one and all thrill to the sound, Of boot on leather ball. If you're on our side, march with us. And if you aint, then catch a bus, Or we will punch your head no fuss, No worries at all. Football season every year, Fills our hearts with pride and cheer, Then we go get full on beer, Down at the local pub. (Rub-a-dub dub) Through the years we've stood the test East side, West side, our side's best; Head and hands above the rest, Is our football club. If you call me one-eyed, I'll smack you in the eye, But we will never say we're beat, to a man we'd rather die.... No-where in the world today, Is there a better game to play, Than Aussie Rules, they rules OK; The best game of them all. We love to watch the big men fly, To see our heroes do or die; Our lungs fill with the heart-felt cry, Glorious foot--glorious foot--glorious foot-- Kick it through the window--FOOTBALL! (ROM and TYB exit) -------------------------------------------------- ACT 1 SC 1 & 4 (2 &3 Omitted.) - BENVOLIO, MERCUTIO, TYBALT, ROMEO, BOBHAWK BEN, MER: Shooo bewdy! Verona! Verona! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! MER: Kick 'em in the guts! Pull orf their ears! Rub 'em in the mud! Ooh ooh ooh! BEN: That's him normal. You should see him at the game. MER: We hate them Green and Golds, don't we? They're no good useless footy players, they wouldn't know a footy from a...a...a egg. BEN: Yeah. Just 'cause they won the flag last year.... MER: The flag! Don't talk to me about the flag! There was 49 free kicks to 6...the umpires was wearing green and gold...If see any more green and gold today.... (Enter TYB, in green and gold.) MER: Kill! Kill! (BEN puts a headlock on him.) BEN: Shuddup, Mick, shuddup. TYB: I would not disgrace the dirty ground on which we stand on, by spilling your foul blood on it. MER: Aw! Worrr! Um....You stink! (To audience) Ha ha, that's a good one. BEN: Careful, Mick. TYB: You fly-blown mosquito! Your father smells of elderberries and your mother was a hampster. MER: Ooooh! Waaa! You wouldn't know who your father was! TYB May your grandmother's cat lay eggs in your earphones! (A siren is heard, off. BOBHAWK enters.) BOB: Aaaah...hold. Now I've warned you kids before. Any more of this fighting and you'll all be sent to jail. Get it? Jail, with bars on the windows. Not the remand centre. You two behave yourselves. (To Ben & Mer) Tybalt, you come with me. (BOB and TYB exit,) BEN: Ha ha, whacker! MER: Yeah, whacker. BEN: Anyway, where's Romeo? We'll be late. MER: Yeah, be late. BEN: Got to get a good possie on the pickets. MER: Yeah... BEN: Oh, here he comes. (ROM enters, sighing and holding a garter.) MER: (Pause) Where's the flag? ROM: I forgot the flag. MER: You forgot the flag? ROM: I left it home. MER: You left it home? BEN: Don't repeat everythink. MER: Don't repeat everythink? ROM: Oh, Rosaline! BEN: Rosaline? MER: What's Rosaline? BEN: Must be the brand name on his football. You know; like "Kookaburra" MER: Oh, yeah. ROM: Rosaline! She won't even look at me. MER: He reckons his football won't look at him? BEN: Don't be stupid. What's the matter, mate? ROM: You know that Rosaline, that pompom twirler for the Green and Golds? Real cool chick. BEN: Nice legs. ROM: Yeah. Big ones, too. But she won't even look at me. I've tried everything. Don Giovanni's, Papa Guiseppi's, Magic Mountain, everything. (During this a BILL POSTER puts up three signs, They read, "BIG FANCY DRESS BALL" One of them is stuck on MER.) BEN: Ar, birds are all the same, mate. ROM: I'll do you!... MER: Ay, what's this? (Looking at sign.) BEN: Ar, it's them Green and Golds, They're having a fancy dress ball. Gor, stuck up! MER: Yeah, stuck up. BEN: Ay! MER: What? BEN: Ay, let's us go? MER: Ar, bullshit! BEN: No, we'll dress up in disguise and crash the party! MER: Haw, crash the party! BEN: What about you, Rom? You coming? MER: You coming, Rom? ROM: No, all I want is Rosaline. BEN: She'll be there, Rom. MER: Yeah, she'll be there. ROM: Yeah, she might be too. Let's go! ALL: Yaay! Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh! Verona! Verona! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! (They exeunt.) -------------------------------------------------- ACT 1 SC 5 - TYBALT, CAPULET, JULIET, ROMEO, NURSE (TYBALT ENTERS, carrying two "head" characters on poles, to represent party guests. Talking to them. Another two are pre-set behind canopy.) TYB: Worrr, you shoulda seen me today! I threw a beer can and got the umpire right in the head, then I jumped the fence and punched their fullback right between the eyes, then I.... (CAPULET enters, masked. Listens.) TYB: Then I reached down the goal umpire's throat and I was just pulling his tongue out by the roots, when....(Smacks CAP> CAP: Ah, gidday young Tybalt. How'd the game go today? TYB: Dunno uncle, I got thrown out for fighting. CAP: Ar, I don't know what's the matter with you kids. You're always fighting. Still, I suppose I was the same when I was a kid. (JULIET enters) CAP: (cont) Ah, there's your cousin Juliet. Go and say gidday to her. OK ladies and genlmen, if I can have your attention for a moment. Now, you realise this is a fund-raiser for the club, so we want you to drink up good, but remember, if you are drinking and driving tonight, well, remember to be in a car, won't yer? Har har har. The ladies that haven't got corns on their toes will probably dance with yer. (Sees TYB dancing with JUL) Oy, oy. Don't dance with yer cousin, thickhead. (ROMEO enters, sees JULiet. Double take.) ROM: Excuse me pop, who's the chick with the nice legs? CAP: That's my daughter, Juliet. ROM: Ahh..well, get me to a nunnery. Very nice. A credit to you. CAP: Thanks. ROM: Think I'll go and get a nice glass of lemonade. CAP: Righto, son. (ROM crosses TYB; TYB goes to CAP.) CAP: Hey, uncle, that by his voice should be a stinkin' Verona Townie! I'll whack him for ya! CAP: 'Ang on, Tybalt! Yes, that's young Romeo. He's a good lad. I've got a friend of mine, he's on their committee, he reckons that boy can screw punt a wet ball seventy yards. AND...there's the possibility of a transfer. (CAP and TYB freeze, while JUL waltzes past ROM, who watches transfixed, and pours his lemonade down himself.) TYB: (Unfreezing) Transfer!! CAP: That's right. TYB: I'm having no stinkin' Verona whackers in this club! CAP: NOW LOOK, TYBALT!! I'm the president of this club and this is my show. You can do what I tell yer, or yer can get out now! TYB: Silence is forced upon me. I'll withdraw, but this intrusion will convert to bitt'rest gall. (TYB tries to exit, can't open door, has to go out the back way.) CAP: Sorry; sorry about that. Let's have a drink. (Mumbles.) ROM: Hi. JUL: Hi. ROM: Top show. JUL: No less. ROM: Were it less than top, it would be topless. I have heard of such shows, but never been to one. JUL: I blush. ROM: Such modesty. May I take your hand? (They slowly join hands.) ROM: Care to come outside? JUL: Only for an hour or two. NURSE: (Enters) Madam, your mother craves a word with you. (Hand-holding changes to handshake.) JUL: Oh, I go. ROM: Wait, what's your phone number?.... (JUL exits fast.) ROM: Her mother? Who is her mother? NUR: Her mother, mate, is the wife of the chairman of this club. ROM: Not Ron Barassi? NUR: I ask you, does Ron Barassi look like a mother? ROM: So she's a Rabbit, then. But a Verona Bold can't mix with a Green and Gold. But she's the best I've ever seen. Although she's gold and green. And she's dangerous, and she's shy, and she's just the girl for I... And her head is like my head,... NUR: And I'm going TO bed. (Exits) ROM: And so I bid thee fond adieu.. CAP: 'Ere, I'll have a drink with you. ROM: And who the hell are you? CAP: I told you, I'm her dad. ROM: I'm going mad. CAP: You're a good lad. ROM: You're not so bad. I go. Come, Herbert. Come, Cyril. (Exits with two of the heads.) CAP: Nice boy, that Romeo, very nice type of lad. It's just a pity I've promised my little girlie's hand in marriage to...SOMEBODY ELSE! (ALL peer through various openings and sing DAH DE DAH DAH.....DAAAAHHHH!) -------------------------------------------------- ACT 1, SC 1 & 2 - ROMEO, JULIET, NURSE ROM: (Enters, with mandolin, if he can play one.) O, Juliet, how I love the name. JUL: (Off) Oh, Roberto. ROM: Gadzooks, that's her voice. JUL: Oh Roberto, how I love the name! ROM: She loves Roberto. That's a fifteen yarder for me. SIR JOHN: (Off) Not Roberto, Romeo. Thickhead. JUL: (Flustered) Ah, Romeo, how I love the name. ROM: I take courage. I'll stand beneath her window and rend the barmy air with a song. (Sings) O Juliet, I ne'er have met one lovelier than thee. If you'll be mine o love divine, I'll take you to the game on Saturdeeee. (Window opens, NURSE looks out.) NUR: Oy! There's people trying to sleep! (Exits.) ROM: Que mani frega! Rack off! (Raspberry) JUL: (Appears at window) "Rack off! (Raspberry.)" How sweet the sound! Ay me. ROM: She speaks. I'll listen. Be still my beating heart. JUL: O Romeo, Romeo, wherore fart thou, Romeo! SIR JOHN: (OFF) Wot? JUL: (Flustered) Er..whore-air fort thou...um ..Fare were ort thou.. SIR JOHN: (OFF) No no! JUL: Well he's gotta be somewhere! SIR JOHN: (OFF) Gah! ROM: Shall I hear more, or shall I show myself? ALL: No, no, don't show yourself. JUL: What's in a clubroom? There's players and trainers, showers, beercans, bottles of linament...A clubroom by any other name would still smell like a clubroom. And so does Romeo. Ay me, how I love that smell. Strangely enough, I think I smell it now. Could it be.... ROM: Ay, 'tis me. JUL: Who is it, rends the air? Can it be thee? ROM: Ay, it is me. I just said so. JUL: But if any of our supporters catch you round here, they'll impale thee on a goalpost. ROM: I have the night to shield me from their eyes. JUL: By whose direction found thou out this place? ROM: By... (chord)...love! JUL: I think I blush, but in the dark I cannot see. Dost thou love me? ROM: Dead set. JUL: Oh, Roberto! ROM: Now, look, who is this Roberto character, anyway? JUL: (Hastily) Romeo. Romeo. Forgive me, I'm only fourteen. ROM: Fourteen! Blimey! Two years under! I'm off! SIR JOHN: (Appears, beercan in hand.) Whoops. (Hides can.) 'Scuse me. (To audience.) Now look! This is supposed to be a tender tragedy of love. You're makin' a ruddy mockery of it. You do it right or I'll sack yer. And don't you laugh. (To musician.) (Exits.) ROM: Wanna do the mushy part? JUL: Why not? ROM: I'll stand here. JUL: Oh gentle Romeo, if thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully. Or if thou thinkst me too quickly won, I'll frown and be perverse, and say thee nay. In truth, I am too fond, and thou might think me a bit fast, but I'll prove more true than most. Not like that Rosaline, the tart. ROM: Oh Juliet, I swear by the moon above... (A moon suddenly pops up.) JUL: Oh, do not swear by the inconstant moon. ROM: Then I swear by the constant blue and gold, the colours of our club... JUL: Oh do not swear at all. We don't like swearing, round here. This is a first class suburb. All the boys round here go to Saints. SIR JOHN: (Appears.) I'm warning you... JUL: Sorry. ROM: Sorry, Sir John. (Byplay between ROM and SIR J. Double takes. ROM finally blows raspberry, but Sir J catches him.) JUL: Oh, do not swear. Although I joy in thee, I have no joy in this contract tonight. It is too rash, too sudden. Good night, good night. As sweet repose and rest come to thy heart as in my breast. ROM: Oh, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied? JUL: What satisfaction can you have tonight? (Moon pops right up, to reveal huge, leering face.) ROM: I'll think about it. NUR: (Off) Juliet? JUL: Three words, dear Romeo, then goodnight. I come, I come! NUR: Juliet! JUL: Oh..ah... I'm being sick. (Barf, barf.) ROM: You're not really, are you? JUL: No, 'course not. Dost want to marry me? NUR, ROM: WHAT! JUL: (Barf, barf.) ROM: I'm confused, for one. Should've brought a raincoat. SIR JOHN: (Enters) Look! For the last time! Whooo! (Exits, slams hand in door. R and J laugh.) ROM: Marry? Yes, I'll marry thee. I see it is my destiny. NUR: Juliet! JUL: I come! What arrangement shall we make? ROM: Cor, this is happening too fast for me. Um.. I'll go and see Doc Lawrence, he's a JP at our club; he'll know what to do. JUL: At what o'clock shall I send to thee? ROM: Umm..at nine. JUL: Go now. (Exits, returns.) Romeo? I have forgot why I did call thee back. ROM: Let me stand here till thee remember. JUL: I shall forget again, remembering how I love thy company. ROM: And I will stay, to have thee still forget. JUL: And here I stand, 'till I forget why. ROM: And here I stand, like a nugget. JUL: And I will stand here 'till I am old and grey. NUR: Juliet!!! ROM: I go. Away. JUL: 'Ooray. ROM: Sleep dwell upon thine eyes, and peace in thy breast. I'll go check out Doc Lawrence, and see what he suggest. -------------------------------------------------- ACT 2 SC 3 - DOC, ROMEO (DOC LAWRENCE enters. He wears a small cash register round his neck SINGS "MONEY MONEY MONEY".) MONEY, MONEY,MONEY! Money, money money, it isn't funny, It's a doctor's sport. Bandages and ointment, no disappointment, If you don't get caught. This weekend I'm going happily, To my beach-house down in Napoli. Thanks to every cut and gash, I have no problem with my cash... Money, money money.... DOC: Ha ha ha, what a game, what a match last Saturday. Thirty seven serious injuries before half time! These new herbal remedies are good! Amazing painkillers. You know David Grainger? David Grainger played the last half of that game with his right foot pointing backwards and he didn't even know. Not that I'm in favour of violence in sport, but it is very very lucrative. (Knock at the door) Come in? ROM: (Enters, yawning) Good morrow, Doc. DOC: Romeo, my boy, what a sight. You look like you've been up half the night. ROM: Too true, Doc. DOC: You evil boy, you been in the sack with Rosaline! ROM: Rosaline? I have forgot the name. DOC: You what? Gah. Last night you were in here, pining like a Sturt player on grand final day. "Rosaline! Rosaline!" Was all you could say. ROM: She's disqualified, Doc. I've met someone else. This one shines like...like a Magarey Medal made of pure gold. DOC: You kids amaze me. (Drinks.) ROM: Doc, you're a JP, art thou not? DOC: Yes, I am. This allows me to give last rites, on the field, during a game, for a very reasonable fee, should the occasion arise. God forbid it should ever happen. (They cross themselves.) ROM: And you can marry people, ay Doc? DOC: Yes I can. ROM: (On knees) Then marry me, Doc. DOC: (Double take. Pause. Drink.) Run that past me again, son. ROM: Please, Doc. (Clutches Doc's hand. Doc wrenches free.) Doc, I'm in love with someone from another club. DOC: What, you mean another player? ROM: No, not a player. DOC: Ah! A trainer, perhaps? ROM: No, she's a pompom twirler... DOC: (Relaxes) ROM: For the Rabbits, our hated enemies. DOC: Oh my gawd. (Drinks.) ROM: Doc, we've got to get married right away! DOC: You got 'er up the duff! ROM: No, no! But I have held her hand. You can't get up the duff just by holding hands, can you, Doc? DOC: Oh, how innocent they are. No, course you can't. But listen son, I can't possibly marry you. I'd get into a helluva strife. And what if you went orf her, like you went orf that Rosaline? ROM: No, no, her I love now doth love for love and grace for grace allow. The other would not so. (DOC looks confused.) Fact, she wouldn't even look at me. DOC: Well, look, I can see some advantage in this match. It might help patch over the rift between the clubs. ROM: Yes, yes. DOC: Have to be a secret wedding...they,re not cheap... ROM: How much? DOC: Hundred and seventy five dollars. (ROM winces) Business is business. ROM: I'm skint, Doc. DOC: I'll take an IOU. Come on, come and have a drink. ROM: No thanks, there's no time to waste. DOC: And yet, I see a grim foreboding in this haste. ALL: DAH DE DAH DAH.....DAAAHHHH! -------------------------------------------------- ACT 2 SC 4 - BENVOLIO, MERCUTIO, ROMEO, NURSE BEN: (Enters) Where the devil should Romeo be? Not at the clubroom; I spoke to the cleaner. That pale, hard-hearted Rosaline torments him so he will sure run mad. And now we hear that Tybalt has sent a message to our cheer-squad. Something about meeting us behind the bike sheds for a friendly chat. MER: (Enters, wielding sword.) Ay, Ben? They reckon them Rabbits are upset about us crashing their party. Let 'em come! BEN: Put that away. Romeo will sort it out. MER: Yeah? Tybalt's bulk mean, man. BEN: Here he comes now. MER: (Springs, clumsily) Who, Tybalt? BEN: Romeo. Poor miserable devil. See how he pines and mopes. MER: Yeah, see how he mimes and popes. ROM: (Enters, holding up tissue) Oooohhh...ripper! BEN: Ripper?! MER: He must of cracked it with Rosaline! (BEN and MER snigger.) ROM: The earth, gentlemen, is like a silver football, and we the victors in the Escort Cup. (BEN and MER listen solemnly.) And the cheer squad sings with golden voice as their heroes with deadly accuracy pepper the posts. Another sausage roll, and another. The football sails into the stands and explodes in a shower of Mars Bars and Smarties, spreading peace, love and football throughout the world. BEN: (Sniffle.) Beautiful. ROM: I'm off the planet, man. MER: (Pause.) I think he's been smoking dope. BEN: Shuddup. Hey, who's this? NUR: (Sails in, hot and bothered.) Woo, it's hot. My fan, my fan. MER: Yeah, you need a fan to cover your face! BEN: Shuddup, Mick. NUR: Cheek! Now, excuse me. Distasteful though it may be, I am looking for a Verona Town supporter by the name of Romeo. D'you know him? MER: (Points) Yeah.. ROM: Shh, Mick. That depends on who sends you. NUR: My neighbour's daughter, young Juliet. ROM: Oh! I think I hear your mothers calling. BEN, MER: (Looking about.) No. No. We can't. ROM: WELL I CAN! Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh! (BEN and MER are hypnotised into cheer-squad call. They duck-march off.) BEN, MER: Verona! Verona! Ooh Ooh Ooh Ooh. Coming, mum. NUR: Cheeky devils. I'm all of a quiver. ROM: Now, I have a plan. NUR: Typical Verona behaviour. The Rabbits don't go on like that. ROM: Oy, excuse me. NUR: Who're you? Verona, aint you? ROM: I'm Romeo. NUR: Oh. Well, in that case, tell me all. ROM: OK. Can Juliet get out of pompom training this afternoon? NUR: My, you're sexy. ROM: Yeah. I know. NUR: I'm not too busy this arvo myself. ROM: How interesting... NUR: Your place or mine? ROM: Hang on! I'm madly in love with Juliet, have been for ...oh..hours. Could you please ask her to be at Doc Lawrence's consulting room at three o'clock on the dot. He's fitting us in between a hernia and a cork thigh, so we mustn't be late. NUR: I'd do anything for you. ROM: That's nice. And also... NUR: Yes? ROM: Here's a rope ladder. (Producing it from shirt.) NUR: That's good; I thought you had a growth. ROM: Make sure she hangs it out of her window tonight so I can climb up it. NUR: Would that I were young again. That reminds me, I've got a ladder in my stocking. (Shows him.) ROM: Please try and control yourself. Commend me to fair Juliet. NUR: I will. Ciaou. ROM: Ciaou. (Exeunt.) -------------------------------------------------- ACT 2 SC 5 - JULIET, NURSE JUL: (Opens window.) The clock struck nine when Mrs. Garvey left to find Romeo. In half an hour, she promised to return. From nine to twelve is... (counts on fingers) four long hours... and still she is not come. NUR: (Enters, at street level, puffing.) JUL: She comes. What news? Did you meet him? Why look you so sad? NUR: Woo, I'm a tired girl. I ache from head to foot. I've been all over Verona. JUL: I wish you had my bones and I your news. Mrs. Garvey, please! NUR: Ooh, such haste. Can't you see I'm out of breath? JUL: How can you be out of breath when you've breath enough to say you're out of breath? Is it good news, or bad? Let me be satisfied! NUR: Well. Today we have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is...you don't know how to choose a man. I mean, Romeo! Take away his sex appeal, his brains, handsomeness, wit, courtesy, gentleness and grace, and what's left? Nothing! You'd be better off in a convent. (Aside) And I'd be waiting up the ladder! Hee hee! JUL: Don't be silly. What says he of our marriage? NUR: Oh, what a headache. JUL: I'm sorry you're not well. Please! NUR: Your love says, like the kind and courteous man he is,...where's your mother? JUL: He says, "Where's my mother"? NUR: No, thickhead. Can you get out of pompom practice today at three? JUL: Yes NUR: Then be at Doc. Lawrence's at three on the dot. If you're five minutes late, you could end up with your leg in plaster or a hernia operation. Romeo will be there at three. JUL: Oh, joy! Oh, rapture! Oh, thankyou, Mrs. Garvey! NUR: If any of your family find out you're marrying one of the opposition, AND under age, I'll be skinned alive. Why do I do it? JUL: Must be the money. NUR: Yes, it's the money. Now I have to rig up this ladder. JUL: Can't you leave by the door, like you normally do? NUR: Thickhead, it's for your husband to climb up tonight. I go. JUL: Yo ho! I go! Also! -------------------------------------------------- ACT 2 SC 6 - ROMEO, DOC, JULIET DOC: (Enters with screen.) Come on, let's have a look at you. ROM: (Enters, wearing big bow tie at wrong angle.) Jee, I'm nervous, Doc. I haven't felt this nervous since the under thirteen grand final. DOC: I remember that game! What a match! I made seven hundred and fifty dollars on bandages alone! That was the match, little Ken Cunnuningam fell out of the grandstand and landed on his head. And no-one could tell the difference. ROM: And little Rick Davies - he only weighed five stone at the time - kicked a screw punt into the teeth of a howling gale and we won by five points. DOC: What a match! ROM: Doc! Here she comes! (They look .JUL enters. ROM and JUL walk slowly towards each other. DOC gets caught in the middle, extricates himself. ROM and JUL grope each other.) DOC: 'Oy! Half time! Change ends! (ROM and JUL change ends, grope each other again.) DOC: Oy, come on! Come with me. We'll find a bible and a witness. And don't forget my fee. (Exeunt.) -------------------------------------------------- ACT 3 SC 1 - TYBALT, BENVOLIO, MERCUTIO, BOBHAWK TYBALT: (Enters) Yes, it's me, Tybalt. ALL: Boo! Hiss! TYB: Gaah, boo and hiss all you like! I'm a Green and Gold, and that's all that matters to me. I may be short..(ALL:You are!) Shuddup! I may have funny eyes...(ALL: You have!) But so what! Shuddup! So I live in a shitty dump, and I lost my job, so what! So my lady's having kid again, so we're gonna have to live on beans, SO WHAT! Because I'm a Green and Gold, and my club is the best, and I'm a part of that. And that arsehole Romeo, in MY clubrooms,making out with MY cousin Juliet... it's more than I can stand! SONG: I'M TYBALT! Yes I'm Tybalt, and I scribble, Rude things on walls. In the streetie, I write graffitti, And insults in rich peoples' halls. I'm not gen'rally well-liked, For the party drinks I've spiked, But those silly whackers need me in their scene. I play it rather cute, So they won't give me the boot, But underneath I'm really very mean. Chorus:( Two white-masked spooks) Oh, oh, what a fatal blow, To have him in the neighbourhood. Oh, oh, how we wish he'd go, and leave us, how we wish he would! It's such fun, to be the number one, Of everybody's hatred and their woe. But at least I'm not forgotten, For being rather rotten, It's a pleasure they'll never know. Repeat CH. (TYB chases spooks off. Hears a noise, draws to one side.) BEN: (Enters) Hey, Mick? MER: (Off) What? BEN: Hey, how about coming down the clubrooms? They're showing a video of American gridiron. MER: (Enters) You know what I think of American gridiron. BEN: No, what? MER: (Spits grossly. BORIS protests.) BEN: What? MER: (Repeats.) BEN: No, come on. The day is hot and if we meet any of those Green and Golds there's sure to be trouble. MER: (Wielding sword) Ho ho, let 'em come, let 'em come! BEN: Cor, you,d quarrel with a ...with a duck! MER: (Lost for words)...Yeah! TYB: (Appears) Then call me a duck, you dill! BEN: Ooh! Er.. Hello, Duckie! This isn't cricket! TYB: What d'you mean, Shortbread? BEN: Shortbread! Fatarse! TYB: Fatarse: (Draws sword) BEN: No, wait! This isn't fair. There's one of you and only two of us. TYB: You're right. I'll just wait until another dozen Veronas get here. MER: Wor hor hor! You just wait 'til Romeo comes. (TYB grabs MER by his outstretched arm. BEN grabs MER by his other arm. Enter ROMEO. ROM grabs TYB by his outstretched arm.) ROM: Ah, Tybalt, good cousin, I kiss your hand. (Does so.) (They do a Rap Dance wave, from Romeo to Ben and back. They jump, half turn.) ALL: WHAT!! ROM: The earth, gentlemen, is like a silver football... TYB: Shuddup, you poetry pouting ponce! ROM: No Tybalt, sweet cousin, I am closer to you than you know. No violence. TYB: You're yeller! MER: (Who has 'til now been craven.) What? What you say Tybalt? TYB: He's yeller. MER: That's it. (Trembling) No, don't stop me. Come on, Tybalt. Nobody calls a Verona yeller! (They fight. ROMEO intervenes, during which intervention TYBALT pulls out a gun and shoots MER.) MER: Ooh. BEN: Mick! You all right, Mick? MER: (Starts to cry) Mum! Muuuumm!! BEN: Mrs. Cutio! Mrs. Cutio! (BEN and MER exeunt. TYB withdraws. BEN re-enters.) BEN: He's dead. ROM: What!! BEN: He's gone stiff already. (Being sick) I never seen a dead person before. (BEN barfs on keyboard. Musician is not amused.) ROM: Tybalt! Come on, Tybalt! I've changed my mind about you! (TYB springs out, surprising ROM. They fight; ROM mortally wounds TYB, who staggers off and dies in the wings.) ROM: I'm off! BEN: Me too. (Enter BOBHAWK, preceded by SFX) BOB: Halt! BEN: I'm needed at home. BOB: Wait! What has befallen here? BEN: It's difficult for me to say. BOB: Out with it! BEN: Well, you see, sir, we were just mucking around, Mick and me, and Tybalt come and we didn't be rude to him or nothing and Romeo come and then Tybalt started a fight and Romeo tried to stop it and Tybalt got Mick with a real dirty shot and he shot through and then he come back and Romeo got real mad and done him in and he shot through too and I'm going home. (Exits fast.) BOB: Now hear this! This is the judgement of the tribunal. Tybalt has slain Mercutio and has himself been slain by Romeo Montague. We therefore decree that Romeo Montague never be allowed inside a football field in South Australia again. ALL: (Off) (Wailing) BOB: Furthermore, we decree! That Romeo Montague shall be banished to the VFL! ALL: (Off) (More wailing) BOB: Bear hence these bodies, make plain our will. Mercy but murders, pardoning those that kill. -------------------------------------------------- ACT 3 SC 2 - JULIET, NURSE JUL: (At window) Oh, how the dray dags on. SIR JOHN: (Off) What? JUL: Come night, come Romeo, come thou day in night. On this day I became a wife, but the bit I'm awaiting is yet to come. If only I could get rid of the sun! NUR: (Enters, wailing.) Oooooohhh! He's dead, he's dead. We are undone. O Romeo, who would have thought it? JUL: Romeo? Romeo dead? How? Has he slain himself? NUR: I saw the wound with mine own eyes. A piteous corpse, pale as ashes. I swounded at the sight. JUL: Dead, then? Oh, break my heart, break at once. NUR: Oh Tybalt, best friend I had. That I should live to see thee dead. JUL: What storm is this? Romeo slaughtered and Tybalt dead? My dearest cousin? Who is living if these two are gone? NUR: Tybalt is gone and Romeo that killed him is banished to the VFL. JUL: Romeo! Kill Tybalt! NUR: Ay, alas the day he did! JUL: But why? He looked so nice. What vile serpent is hid in such a gorgeous body? NUR: There is no trust, no faith, no honesty in men. Shame come to Romeo! JUL: (Confused) Oooh..blistered be your tongue for such a wish. He must have had a good reason. NUR: Now she speaks well of him that killed her cousin. JUL: Shall I speak ill of him that is my husband? Ah, poor my lord, what tongue shall smooth thy name when I, thy three-hours wife, have mangled it? But wherefore kill Tybalt? I'll to my wedding bed, and death, not Romeo, take my maidenhead. NUR: I'll find Romeo to comfort you; I know well where he is. Get you to your bed. JUL: Oh, thanks, Mrs. Garvey. -------------------------------------------------- ACT 3 SC 3 - DOC, ROMEO, NURSE DOC: Come on, stop snivelling and come out here. ROM: (Enters, snivelling.) DOC: Now, look. It's not as bad as you think. They're not going to do you for homicide, you've just been banished to the VFL. ROM: The VFL! DOC: Apparently they don't mind using killers. ROM: That's worse than death. Where will I be without the club? And the lads? And Juliet, of course. (Knock at the door. They panic.) DOC: Quick, hide in there. (Continued knocking. ROM hides in screens. DOC opens door; NURSE runs in and canons straight into him.) NUR: Put me down, you devil, or I'll scream. (Screams very softly.) DOC: (Prising NUR off) Pull yourself together. NUR: We've got to do something about poor Juliet, Doc; she's in a terrible state. ROM: What about me? I've been sent to Victoria; that's a terrible state. NUR: Ahah! I thought I'd find you here. (Pulls him out by the ear.) ROM: Ow! DOC: (Drinks.) Dear oh dear. NUR: Now look. Juliet's waiting, the ladder's ready and I'm playing fullback. So go to her. DOC: But you must be gone before dawn, or.. NUR: You've had it. DOC: Get it? ROM: Got it. NUR: Good. DOC: Now, get out. NUR: Go on. ROM: Right. Goodbye. Thanks for everything.. DOC, NUR: Get out! (ROM exits.) DOC: (Drinks) Well. Don't think anything else can go wrong today. NUR: (Makes eyes at DOC, who takes off. ) (Chase.) DOC: Put me down, you don't know where I've been. NUR: What you doing tonight, spunky? DOC: Goodness me, look at the time. NUR: Just time to see my etchings. (Drags him off.) -------------------------------------------------- ACT 3 SC 5 - ROMEO, JULIET, NURSE, CAPULET ROME & JULIET SING ROCK LOVE SONG. ROM: Oh Juliet your tender kiss, has illuminated my night with bliss, I hope you didn't hurt your head, when you tripped and fell out of bed. JUL: Oh Romeo, mh heart beats quick, To remember the joys of your love, I knew somehow our minds would click, when Eros gave a gentle shove. My life has changed, it's all begun; 'till this day there's been no fun. Last night was like a summer's dream; I'm sure you know just what I mean. CHORUS:(BOTH) Mum and dad don't even know; If they find out, their stacks they'll blow, It's too late now, we've tied the knot, The certificate from Doc Lawrence we've got. (Music break then repeat CH except for: "When they find out, they're going to kill us!") JUL: Wilt thou be gone? It is not yet near day. It was not the alarm, but 'twas the phone, that pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear. ROM: Ah, Juliet, I hate to go. I had a miserable life 'till I met you. It all started when I was six months old. My mother dropped me in a doughnut machine. (Pause) I was a battered baby! Boom boom! JUL: That's nothing; my uncle Max fell in a varnish machine. He had a terrible end, but a lovely finish! Boom boom! NUR: (Pops up between them.) What about my father? He drowned in a vat of beer. JUL: Did he die in agony? NUR: I don't think so; he climbed out three times for a leak. Boom boom! SIR JOHN: (Pops in) Now look! Any more of this and you'll ALL get sent to Victoria! ALL: Sorry. ROM: Yes, it was the alarm clock. Look what envious streaks do light the clouds in yonder east. Night's candles are burnt out by jocund day. JUL: (Hiding under sheet) Quick, don't let them see us! ROM: Who? JUL: Jock and Dave! Boom boom! SIR JOHN: (Off) OY! JUL: Sorry. No, that's not the dawn, it's the lights at Footy Park. So rush not off, but come back to bed. ROM: I'd rather stay than go. What's a twenty kilometer run, compared to a night with thee? Let them catch me, I don't care. JUL: No, you must go. It was the clock, and not the phone. O be gone; more light and light it grows. ROM: More light and light, more dark and dark our woes. JUL: Oh Romeo, you do talk lovely. NUR: Cough cough, knock knock. Juliet dear, are you awake? JUL: Oh yes, Mrs. Garvey. We haven't been to sleep yet, actually. NUR: Quick, straighten up those sheets. 'Tis morning; your father comes. And get him (Romeo) out of here. JUL: The window, Romeo. 'Tis the safest exit now. ROM: Farewell, farewell. One kiss and I'll descend. (JUL turns to NUR. ROM kisses her on back of head.) JUL: Oh, doesn't he talk lovely? ROM: (Fiddling with ladder, drops it.) Poo. JUL: Quick, go out the garbage chute. (ROM exits. ) JUL: Oh, he's gone. Oh, husband, friend, dearest lord, write to me every hour of the day. Jeez, he went fast. Make a good rover. ROM: (Crawls in, covered in garbage.) I'm down here! JUL: (Shrieks laughing) Oh, I'm sorry Rome, but you don't half look funny. You look like you were in your funeral coffin, all covered with floral tributes. ALL: DA DEE DAH DAH..... DAAAHHH!!! JUL: Have you hurt yourself? You look a bit pale. ROM: It is the sorrow of our parting. I expect it has drained all our blood away. JUL: Something must have. NUR: (Sniggers.) JUL: Quiet. Farewell, farewell. (ROMEO exits. JULIET begins howling.) NUR: Quickly, Juliet. I hear your father's Homy-Peds thudding up the stairs. JUL: Oh, why is he up so early? Why must he come now? He can't. I'm not ready. (Howls.) CAP: (Knocks and enters.) Hello hello hello. What's all this, then? NUR: It's Tybalt, mate. She's distraught about poor Tybalt. And so am I. (Wails also.) CAP: Well you'd be better orf weeping for the coppers; they couldn't catch the dastard... JUL, NUR: Language! CAP: Dastard, I said, dastard. That dastard Romeo, that killed our Tybalt; best full forward we ever had. JUL: Oh, father, I do weep that Romeo got away. You can't imagine how his leaving town has torn my heart-strings. CAP: All right, all right. Half time. Change ends. I've got a surprise for you. JUL: Ooh, what? CAP: Well, close your eyes. (JUL and NUR both close eyes.) CAP: (Slaps NUR on head) Not you, thickhead. Now open them again. JUL: Where? Where's the surprise? CAP: Well, next Thursday morning, you're going to go to church and marry that nice young chartered accountant, Paris Polites. JUL: I am? CAP: I thought that'd cheer her up. JUL:( Wails loudly.) CAP: Sod me, I thought she'd be delighted. JUL: How can I marry, when I'm overcome with grief? I won't do it. CAP: You will! JUL: I won't! NUR: Now hang on, Albert... CAP: What are you doing here? Clear off. (Pushes her. She disappears. There is a crash.) JUL: Oh, father... CAP: And you... you'll do what I tell you! JUL: Is there no pity sitting in the clouds that sees a bottom to my grief? Cast me not away; delay this marriage a month, a week, or, if you do not, then make my bridal bed in that dim monument where Tybalt lies. CAP: Now that's enough! I don't know, I really don't know. All my time; days, nights, weekends, holidays, race day, easter, all my time I've spent trying to find a good match for you. I finally find a nice young chartered accountant, and you carry on like a pork chop. JUL: Oh.. CAP: Now, look! You'll be in that church Thursday, or you can hang, beg and starve in the streets. You won't be welcome in this house, and you will never...never...twirl a pompom in Verona again! (Exits. Loud crash.) JUL: Ancient damnation! I'm only a little girl and I must lie about my love, and say I hate him, and be married again, and so commit the sin of bigamy, with adultery to follow. Why should this happen to me? Poor little whelp. I'll go and see Doc Lawrence; surely he can help. -------------------------------------------------- ACT 4 SC 1 - DOC, PARIS, JULIET DOC: (Enters, bustling.) Dear oh dear, things seem to be getting out of hand... (Knock at the door; Doc opens it; PARIS enters.) DOC: Who the hell are you? I know; you're young Paris, aren't you? PAR: Yes, that,s right. DOC: Well what can I do for you? PAR: I'm to marry Juliet on Thursday... DOC: Oh my gawd. (Drinks.) PAR: And as you are a GP and a JP, Mr. Capulet and I would like you to be the celebrant. DOC: Thursday, oh dear no, not Thursday. Bit busy, Thursday. Got a couple of groin operations. I reckon one of 'em might be mine. PAR: No, Thursday it must be. (JULIET bursts in, smashing into PAR.) PAR: Oh, Juliet. JUL: Oh, Paris. DOC: Oh gawd. (Embarrassed silence.) PAR: Ah.. who do you think will win the game on Saturday? DOC: I've got a couple of bob on the Blues. JUL: Nah, my dad says they're playing like a pack of galahs. DOC: Does he? PAR: Ah Juliet, when we are wed we can go to the game together, and buy a bag of burger rings, and sit in the stand, or stand in the pit, or spit in the sand. JUL: How nice. Please go, I wish to speak to Doc Lawrence alone. PAR: Since we are about to be wed, surely I can stay. JUL: It's womens' matters. DOC: Ah. (Fumbles, produces book entitled, "Know Your Body".) Here, read this. (PAR intercepts book, opens stares.) PAR: I think I will go after all. (Exits, staring at book.) JUL: (Howls) Oh, Doc, what are we going to do? How can I marry him? And Romeo my love, so far away. Come, weep with me, Doc. DOC: I dunno. Here have a drink. JUL: Thanks. (Swigs.) DOC: I'll have one too. (Swigs) Cor, this tastes like poison. (Dramatic pause.) Juliet, I have an idea. JUL: Oh no, make no more fun of me, or I'll kill myself with...with this! (Grabs DOC's cash register.) DOC: Hang on! (Desperately snatches it back) Is nothing sacred? Now have a look at this. It's shocking stuff, shouldn't be allowed. (Produces six-pack of Foster's) Now, you take these, and drink 'em straight down. You will then fall into a deep coma, which will last exactly forty two hours. That's seven hours a can. Everybody will think you're dead. You won't be breathing. We'll have a funeral, and plant you in the tomb, next to Tybalt. (DOC is pacing about. JUL follows him, gets lost, re-enters through door, etc.) Yes, that's it. And I'll send a message to Romeo, telling him of our plan, and he can come back in a taxi, leave the meter running, hang the expense, and when you wake up, he'll be there, I'll be there, we'll slap you both in the taxi and you can go back to Melbourne and wait 'till I send news that it's safe to return. How's that? JUL: What a weird mind you've got. DOC: Yes, well, don't worry about that. You drink 'em down. JUL: Drink Victorian beer? It's against every fibre of my being. DOC: Look, Julie, I'd give you proper drugs, but I've been de-registered, haven't I? JUL: Give me, give me, then. DOC: Drink them down, be bold. And I will send a message to your lord. JUL: Lord give me strength, and strength shall help afford. DOC: Nice. Poetic. (Exits.) JUL: All this lot probably will kill me. Or, supposing I drink it, and I do fall into a coma, like the Doc said, but what if not for 42 hours, just for 40? I'd wake up too soon, before the Doc's come. I'd be in that awful tomb all by myself. You know what that'd be like? It'd be all dark and spooky. There'd be ghosts, and skellingtons, and my grandpa. I never did like Grandpa. And there's my cousin Tybalt. You remember him? He's only been dead about a week. He'd just be starting to go all yellow and purple and smelly. (ALL: From behind, make noises of disgust; cries of "Get off!" etc.) There'd be worms going up his nose and out his eyes and I'd probly get sick all down my best dress. Ah well. There doesn't seem to be anything else. I'll give it a bash. (Exit.) -------------------------------------------------- ACT 4 SC 2, 3 ,4, 5 - NURSE, CAPULET, JULIET, MR. JOSEPH NUR: Dear oh dear, what a fuss. Is it my fault? I don't know. I was only trying to help. Poor little girl.I would have married Romeo, but no. I haven't had it since Cyril died. Affection, I mean. And now it's wedding day again, this time to Paris. That's him over there, getting plastered. Get it? Plaster of Paris! CAP: (Enters) Good morning. We aren't doing funny jokes, are we? NUR: Perish the thought. CAP: Good, good. Well; peace and joy, happiness and love. Where's my little girlie? NUR: She's upstairs, having her hair done. CAP: Good. D'you get them bottles of spumante? NUR: They're out the back. CAP: Good. Wash the labels off...just like champagne. Where's my little girlie ? (Windows open to reveal MR. JOSEPH doing JULIET's hair. Juliet is drinking beer, looking pretty pissed.) MR. J: Good afternoon. Today we have Juliet, she's getting married today so she got to look real nice. Now, she got a little bald spot at the back here, so we brush all forward,so. It's a bit mousey, so we add liddle touch colour, so. (Can of Silvo.) And now lots a hairspray, so she wake up on the wedding morning with not one hair out of place. I believe the hair should be nice and firm, like a plastic helmet. Have a nice day. (Windows close.) CAP: What's that? NUR: (Producing scroll) This? It's the menu. CAP: Let's have a look. NUR: I think we ought to sing it. CAP: What, sing the menu? NUR: It's what we always do in Barcelona. CAP: Are you from Barcelona? NUR: No. CAP: OK, then, we'll give it a go. Where's my little girlie? (JULIET staggers in. MR.J enters, carrying bier.) (The following is a medieval song from Naples. Something about a cat. It could be omitted or changed.) SONG: "La Gatta." Che luchia miaou miaou, Gatta canta ne miappa, Inta cuppola ne santa, Ca cuchiatta curu curu Chella rota chella rota, Essa donna essa dona Pen amia miaou miaou, Ca cucuruchu miaou miaou Ron Barrassi in pyjamas, subsidising all the farmers, Sergeant Pepper charminasoe, Frank Sinatra merry farter, John Travolta marihuana, Pizza special with tomato, Sock it to ya Carlo Ponti Gorgonzola, gondolier, calimari, Marchiello Minestrone, Lots and lots of Pepperone, Al Capone is a meanie, eats a lot of fettucine, Chella rota, chella rota, Essa Donna Essa Donna, Tanta cucca tattalora, tanta cucca tattalora, tanta cucca tattalora, Messa donna, bucha sonna, sonna luta, mega tuta, mala gamba, car la tore, ya la more, Ca cucuruchu miaou miaou, ca cucuruchu miaou miaou, Ca cucuruchu miaou miaou, ca cucuruchu miaou miaouuuuuu CAP: Well, that should give us a guts-ache. Peace and joy, happiness and love. Where's my little girlie? NUR: (Spots JUL staggering>) My god, she's hit the piss. CAP: WHAT! (JULIET staggers, falls prostrate on bier.) NUR: Juliet, wake up! What's wrong? CAP: You little monkey! NUR: She's not breathing. CAP: (Pause) Ay? (Runs to her.) **NB It is the intention that, from here on, the clowns become taken over by the story and don't go for laughs. NUR: My lamb, my lady! CAP: Juliet? NUR: Wake up, wake up. CAP: Juliet? NUR: She's dead. CAP: (Wails. Holds up large sheet, enabling JULIET to prepare for levitation illusion behind. (Using false legs.)) SONG: SON SEIS SORELLE (JULIET levitates, floats off. Reappears in silhouette in tomb.) -------------------------------------------------- ACT 5 SC 1 - ROMEO, SPOOK ROM: (Playing imaginary pinball machine, with SFX.) Melbourne's not so bad. I had a strange dream last night, dreamt my lady came and found me dead. Melbourne footy players aren't all that good. SPOOK: (Enters) Romeo? ROM: (Whips out flick knife) What's it to you? SPOOK: I'm a friend. ROM: (Knife turns into comb; he combs hair.) Oh, OK. SPOOK: I've got some bad news for you, Romeo. ROM: Yeah? SPOOK: It's about your wife, Juliet. ROM: What about her? SPOOK: She's dead , Romeo. ROM: No! SPOOK: She's buried in the tomb. I saw it myself. ROM: (Distraught) I know what I must do. If Juliet is dead, then I am dead too. Hire me a horse! I will hence tonight! Go! Leave me! (SPOOK exits, silently.) I'll visit a drug-pusher I heard of... (Knocks at window)Hi! Open up! SPOOK: (Face at window.) What? ROM: Open up, man, I need a hit! SPOOK: Rack off. ROM: I'm desperate man. SPOOK: Dear oh dear, another addict. I don't know. I just sell the stuff. What do you want? ROM: I need the strongest poison you've got. SPOOK: It's against the law. ROM: Law me no laws! Look; I've got money! SPOOK: Here is my poison. (Hands ROM a can of Fourex.) One drop of this to any man not in Queensland born, and death is instantaneous. ROM: Come poison, go with me to Juliet's grave, for there I must use thee. -------------------------------------------------- ACT 5 SC 2 - DOC, SPOOK DOC: (Enters) Very troubling time, very troubling time indeed. Lot of things going wrong. (SPOOK enters.) DOC: Here, did you get that message to Romeo? SPOOK: (Mumbles that he forgot.) DOC: WHAT! What d'you mean you forgot! She'll be waking up. Come on, come with me to the tomb. (SPOOK exits in wrong direction.) DOC: Oohh.. (Exits.) -------------------------------------------------- ACT 5 SC 3 - PARIS, ROMEO, SPOOK, DOC, JULIET, BOBHAWK PAR: (Enters, with flowers.) Sweet flower, with flowers thy bridal bed I strew. Oh woe, thy canopy is dust and stones. I will wash this place each night with my tears. Someone comes. (Draws aside.) ROM: (Runs in, followed by SPOOK.) Give me that mattock and the wrenching iron. Help me move this aside. (The slide open the sheet in front of tomb.) And now begone. (SPOOK exits.) ROM: Wait! (SPOOK enters.) ROM: Give me the light. (SPOOK does so) Upon thy life I charge thee, whatever thou see'st or hearest, stand all aloof and do not interrupt me in my course. SPOOK: I will begone sir, and not worry you. (exits.) PAR: This is Romeo, that was banished, and he comes here to do some foul deed to dead bodies! Villain, you are about to die! ROM: That is why I came here. Go, do not make me sin again. Tell them a madman's mercy made thee run away! PAR: I do defy thy conjurations and apprehend thee for a felon here! (They fight; PARIS is quickly slain.) PAR: If you have any mercy, lay me in the tomb with Juliet. ROM: Ay, I will. (Does so.) Who is this? Paris, young Paris. And here lies Juliet. Her beauty makes the dark vault light. I will stay with thee and never from this palace of dim night depart again. (Prepares to drink) Here will I set up my everlasting rest. Eyes look your last, arms take your last embrace. (Drinks.) Here's to my love. Aaaarrrggghhh. (ROM dies. DOC races in.) DOC: ROMEO! NO! (DOC runs to the tomb; sees ROM. JULIET wakes.) JUL: Oh, Doctor, I remember well where I should be, and here I am. Where is Romeo? DOC: Come with me, Juliet; something's gone dead wrong. Don't look round... (JULIET looks about; sees ROMEO. Registers silently.) JUL: Go, I will follow you. DOC: Come...ooh...(runs off, afraid.) JUL: What's this? Drunk the lot and left not one drop for me? I will kiss thy lips; perhaps a drop still hangs there. Someone comes, I must be quick...Romeo's Swiss Army knife...there's a blade for every occasion... (JULIET kills herself with knife. Enter BOBHAWK and SPOOK.) BOB: The ground is bloody. Search about the churchyard. What misadventure now, that requires our attendance? DOC: (Runs in) Juliet?.. BOB: Halt. What do you know of this? DOC: (Trying to back out) No, not me... ah... well, you see, sir it's all my fault. Romeo was married to Juliet and she was his faithful wife. I know, sir, I married them myself. And when Romeo was banished for killing Tybalt - you know that, sir, you banished him yourself - well, Juliet was pining for Romeo, you see, not Tybalt. So her father tried to cheer her up by marrying her to Paris. Well, she couldn't hack that so she came to see me. I gave her a very strong drug - no I didn't kill her, only made it look like she was dead - and we had a funeral and put her in the tomb. And I sent a message to Romeo, but he didn't get that message. He heard she was dead. Came back here, saw her lying there, killed himself; she woke up, saw him dead, killed herself. It's all my fault and I'd like to say I'm very sorry. My life is yours sir, or,..I know! Banish me. Send me to Hobart! BOB: Where be these enemies, the Rabbits and the Green and Golds? See what a scourge is laid upon your hate, that heaven finds means to kill your joys with love. And I'm partly to blame. I should have handed out stiffer penalties years ago. All are punished. A glooming peace this morning with it brings; The sun with sorrow will not show his head. Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things; Some shall be pardoned and some punished. For never was a story of more woe, Than this, of Romiet and her Julio. Oh. Oh. Oh. JUL: (Appears in ghost sheet, and scares them.) SONG: Fast, short version of the opening dirge. THE END.