ROMEO LOVES JULIET by Gerald P. Murphy COPYRIGHT 1999 BY GERALD P. MURPHY 325 Third Street, Yreka, CA 96097 Contact: gmurphy@snowcrest LIST OF CHARACTERS (Seven Males, Eleven Females) FLORENCE - pub owner THE MONTAGUES ROMEO MERCUTIA BENVOLIO SAMANTHA NELL MOLLY PROP LADY MONTAGUE LORD MONTAGUE THE CAPULETS JULIET TYBALTA DANIEL GREGORY POTPAN SUSAN PARIS LADY CAPULET LORD CAPULET SYNOPSIS OF SONGS ACT ONE #1 ACT I PROLOGUE INSTRUMENTAL #2 CAN'T WE LEARN TO GET ALONG ALL #3 A MASQUERADE FLORENCE #4 SONG FOR ROMEO MONTAGUES #5 AK FORTY-SEVEN TYBALTA AND CAPULETS #6 I SMELL SOMETHING BLUE CAPULETS #7 A MASQUERADE - REPRISE ROMEO, JULIET AND ALL #8 IT'S NOT TOO LATE ROMEO, JULIET AND ALL #9 COSMIC LOVE ROMEO AND JULIET ACT TWO #10 ACT II PROLOGUE INSTRUMENTAL #11 A SNEAK ATTACK MONTAGUES #12 SELF-CONTROL TYBALT AND CAPULETS #13 TRY LOVE ROMEO #14 I WISH THAT IT WAS YESTERDAY JULIET #15 TRY HATE FLORENCE AND CAPULETS #16 LET'S DRINK MONTAGUES #17 LIGHTNING LOVE JULIET #18 IT'S NOT TOO LATE (REPRISE) ROMEO, JULIET AND ALL (Song #1 PROLOGUE - "Can't We Learn to Get Along" and "A Masquerade") ACT 1 Scene 1 (SETTING: Pub Verona. Anytime. Small bar stage left. Small bandstand with Tudor trappings upstage center. Main entrance to pub is between bar and bandstand. Two small tables with chairs, one in front of the bandstand and the other stage right. A few stools in front of bar. Flats painted to resemble Tudor half timber construction. Restroom doors stage left and right. A window, decorated with painted flowersdownstage right. Window is for balcony scene. FLORENCE, the owner of the establishment, is center stage as lights come on. CAPULETS are stage right, MONTAGUES stage left. All are motionless until the end of FLORENCE'S prologue. All are dressed in Elizabethan garb, the Montagues in blue, the Capulets in gold. FLORENCE wears white in the first act, black in second. Both of her shirts bear the legend: Pub Verona.) FLORENCE Two households, both alike in dignity In Pub Verona where we lay our scene From ancient grudge break to new mutiny Where civil blood make civil hands unclean. The fearful passage of their death-mark'd hate Is now the two hours traffic of our stage; The which if you with patient ears attend, What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend. TYBALTA (To Gregory) Know you the difference between a Montague and a football, Gregory? GREGORY What's that, Tybalta? TYBALTA A football goes further when you kick it! (All Capulets howl with laughter) MERCUTIA Oh, Potpan! Which end of the rope do you throw a drowning Capulet? POTPAN Good question, Mercutia! Good question! (pausing, then coming up with the answer) Let me see...let me see...could the answer be...both? (Montagues all laugh heartily) DANIEL (to NELL) I hear Mercutia never goes down to the beach any more! NELL (smirking because she already knows the answer) And why, dear Daniel, is that? DANIEL (pretending he is a cat "burying" Mercutia on a beach) It seems that anytime she sits on the beach, the cats keep trying to bury her! (Montagues laugh delightedly) GREGORY And how deep do these cats bury this sweet Mercutia? DANIEL I'd say about twenty feet... DANIEL, GREGORY and NELL - Because deep down, she's really a good person! (Capulets slap knees, backs and roar with joy) LORD MONTAGUE (angry at the slight) You pernicious liars and knaves! LORD CAPULET (getting into LORD MONTAGUE'S face) Liars, is it? Knaves, it is? Poppycock, you lily-livered frauds! NELL Let's kill them! BENVOLIO Just you try it! SUSAN We've had it with you people! SAMANTHA Waggish shrill-gorged snipes! BENVOLIO (to Samantha) What was that? SAMANTHA What was what? DANIEL (genuinely curious) The thing you said about the snipes. SAMANTHA You mean when I called them "Waggish shrill-gorged snipes"? BENVOLIO Right. What did that mean? SAMANTHA It means I don't like them. They wear silly gold outfits and they're stupid fools! NELL Yes, they're silly and they're stupid! ALL CAPULETS No, you're stupid! ALL MONTAGUES No, you're stupid! CAPULETS No, you're stupid! MONTAGUES No, you're stupid! (a ruckus begins, and several onlookers hold LORD MONTAGUE and LORD CAPULET back from each other) FLORENCE Silence! Silence! Silence! (pause here for total silence, as FLORENCE separates the two factions) Suppose instead we sing a song of peace? LORD MONTAGUE Peace? LORD CAPULET (laughing and threatening with his fist) Ha! Ha! Peace! You want a piece of this, Montague? (Song #2- "Can't We Learn to Get Along") ALL (CHORUS) MONTAGUES AND CAPULETS NEED TO FORM A PERFECT BOND CAN'T WE LEARN TO LIVE TOGETHER? CAN'T WE LEARN TO GET ALONG? NELL I HAVE WATCHED THIS AWFUL FIGHT AND THINK THAT IT'S A SHAME CAN'T YOU SEE THAT IT'S THE STINKING YELLOW GANG THAT IS TO BLAME! ALL (CHORUS) MONTAGUES AND CAPULETS NEED TO FORM A PERFECT BOND CAN'T WE FIND A SANE SOLUTION THAT WE ALL AGREE UPON? DANIEL WE HAVE BEEN A GOLDEN GROUP BUT YOU DESERVE YOUR DUE SOMEDAY WE WILL PAY YOU BACK AND BEAT YOU BLACK AND BLUE! ALL (CHORUS) MONTAGUES AND CAPULETS NEED TO FORM A PERFECT BOND WE SHOULD ALL BE HARMONIZING AS WE SING A HAPPY SONG? BENVOLIO MAYBE WE SHOULD COOL IT DOWN FOR FIRE ONLY BURNS POTPAN LISTEN TO THIS PEACEFUL FELLOW! NOW MY STOMACH TURNS! ALL (CHORUS) MONTAGUES AND CAPULETS NEED TO FORM A PERFECT BOND WE ALL ALL KNOW THAT RETRIBUTIONS AND REPRISALS ARE QUITE WRONG! SUSAN MAYBE SOMEDAY IN THE FUTURE WE COULD CHANGE OUR FATE SUSAN, SAMANTHA, GREGORY, NELL BUT FOR NOW WE HARMONIZE BUT ONLY IN OUR HATE! ALL (CHORUS) MONTAGUES AND CAPULETS NEED TO FORM A PERFECT BOND CAN'T WE LEARN TO LIVE TOGETHER? CAN'T WE LEARN TO GET ALONG? (Repeat and retard last line) (lights or curtains as all exit but Florence) Act l Scene 2 FLORENCE These two families can learn to get along. Their hatred makes no sense! One side believes in Shakespeare. The other side believes he is a fake. One side wears blue, the other gold, but mere colors need not bring on hate and death and despair. If their colors were disguised I'm sure they would find much to admire in each other. A disguise might do the trick. But how to get them all to wear disguises? A masquerade! For when we wear a mask to hide our face, sometimes this allows us to reveal our hearts. For our true selves lie within and are neither blue nor gold. So that is it! I'll put together a masquerade and may love spring from all this hate! (Song #3 - "A Masquerade") FLORENCE A MASQUERADE- WHERE EVERY FACE IS HIDDEN A MASQUERADE- WHERE CUPID COMES UNBIDDEN A MASQUERADE- YOU'LL DIG IT, I'M NOT KIDDIN'! FOR EVERY MAN AND EVERY MAID A MASQUERADE! A MASQUERADE- WHERE ANYONE MAY HOLD YOU A MASQUERADE - CONCEALMENT WILL EMBOLD YOU A MASQUERADE- NO ONE IS GONNA SCOLD YOU FOR EVERY MAN AND EVERY MAID A MASQUERADE! (FLORENCE IS JOINED IN REPEATING THE FIRST VERSE BY THE OFF-STAGE AND UNSEEN MONTAGUES) A MASQUERADE- WHERE EVERY FACE IS HIDDEN A MASQUERADE- WHERE CUPID COMES UNBIDDEN A MASQUERADE- YOU'LL DIG IT, I'M NOT KIDDIN'! FOR EVERY MAN AND EVERY MAID A MASQUERADE! FOR EVERY MAN AND EVERY MAID A MASQUERADE! (Florence exits) ACT 1 Scene 3 (Enter MOLLY PROP, LORD AND LADY MONTAGUE in blue costumes) LADY MONTAGUE And you say, Molly Prop, that Romeo is still frolicking with Mercutia, Benvolio and those other idlers? MOLLY PROP Yes, my Lady Montague! Yes, indeed! But in defense, I must say Romeo seems to prefer more peace and virility than the others. MONTAGUE (roaring with laughter, since he is an incredibly happy man.) Virility! Methinks you mean tranquility. But it's true about the virility. He takes after his own father in this virtue!!! LADY MONTAGUE Abandon that jocular attitude, dearest husband! After all, Romeo is your son, also! MOLLY PROP And his future is in dire broccoli! MONTAGUE (laughing again) Broccoli! LADY MONTAGUE That's jeopardy, my dear. His future is in jeopardy. MOLLY PROP Jeopardy? MONTAGUE (roaring as they exit stage right) Broccoli! That's wonderful! I'll take vegetables for $500, Alec! MOLLY PROP I hate it when he mocks me in public! It's so conciliating! LADY MONTAGUE Dear me! Dear me! Perhaps our family should accept Florence's invitation. Romeo might find a girl at this masquerade and finally settle down! ACT I Scene 4 (hard on their heels, LORD and LADY CAPULET, FLORENCE and PARIS enter stage left in gold costumes) PARIS You simply've got to see it. Your life will be utterly meaningness until you feast your eyes upon it. It's so...it's so... CAPULET (sneering) Meaningless? PARIS (in a snit) No, no, no, no, no! (he borrows a fan from LADY CAPULET and hits him) You big bad bully you! Bad! Bad! Bad! Where does he get his manners, Lady Capulet? He's just a big bad bully!!! That's what he is! A great big bad bully! LADY CAPULET (obviously charmed by Paris' dubious charms) You were describing something, Paris, remember? It's so...It's so... PARIS It's so...wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful, wonderful, and yet again wonderful! CAPULET And what is it that is so...wonderful? PARIS It's the latest design from the continent. From Paris, no less. (To LADY CAPULET) Since my name is Paris, I find myself magically drawn to everything from Paris! (Giggles hysterically at his little joke). Don't you, too, my lovely lady love? CAPULET But what is it? Give us an object, a tangible something that so deserves your idolatry. PARIS I can't say it! I can't say it! I'll be too embarrassed . I know! I know! I'll whisper it to my dear sweet Lady Capulet! (He embraces her a little too tenderly and whispers into her ear) LADY CAPULET (giggling and chortling) Oh, oh, oh, oh! That's perfect! That's absolutely smashing! CAPULET (angry) What is it, wife? What is it? LADY CAPULET A codpiece! Paris purchased a codpiece! PARIS Wait till you see it on me! It's so daring! So adventurous! So intimidating! (exit PARIS and LADY CAPULET, stage right, arm in arm, chatting, laughing, and completely enthralled with each other) CAPULET (to Florence) And that, dear Florence, is the man my wife would have marry my sweet Juliet! FLORENCE Excuse me, Lord Capulet, but what is a codpiece? CAPULET I don't know what a codpiece is and I hope I never have to find out! How my poor life is turning out! First these despicable Montagues with their horrible behavior. And now my wife pushes this pusillanimous postule at my dear Juliet as a possible husband! My dear, dear me! How shall I protect my sweet Juliet? FLORENCE (exiting with CAPULET) I know just the thing, my lord. What say you to a masquerade? ACT I Scene 5 (enter SAMANTHA and BENVOLIO) SAMANTHA Benvolio, I must say, we've been more than patient with these rank and malicious Capulets! BENVOLIO Ah! My hot-blooded friend! You think it's time we called their bluff? SAMANTHA What else! They very name Capulet is enough to make by blood boil, to make my teeth grind, and to melt all my crayons into a gooey mess! BENVOLIO Temper, temper, sweet Samantha. You really must try to control yourself. You know, Florence has been working hard to bring about some sort of accomodation here. She thinks that the Montagues and the Capulets can achieve peace. SAMANTHA Speak not to me of peace, you silly pantaloon! I hate the word as I hate Capulets, cowardice, and the yellow capes of the Capulets! I also hate cherry cheesecake, but that's another matter. (Enter ROMEO) MERCUTIA (Offstage) Oh, Romeo! Oh, Romeo! Oh, shy, retiring Romeo! ROMEO Please good MERCUTIA, give me peace! (Enter MERCUTIA and NELL) I haven't slept well for days! And when I do close my eyes, strange apparitions beset my slumber with horrible images of death! MERCUTIA Dreams! Is that why thou avoidest met? Dreams! They are the children of an idle brain, begot of nothing but vain fantasy, as thin a substance as the air! You need some action! Some fun! Sail on, shy Romeo, and set your anchor at the Blue and Gold Masquerade. NELL O yes, shy Romeo! And we will fill the night with dance and song. ROMEO But thou needest me not! Surely you have enough brainless followers to make a mockery of the masquerade! MERCUTIA Ah, me lad, but if they catch on to us, there might be a bit of a struggle Especially from the feisty Tybalta and her ugly pit bull...Bruno! ALL (in great fear at mention of the dog) Oooh! NELL I hate that dog! He's so obnoxious! SAMANTHA His teeth are like daggers and he snarls most convincingly! MERCUTIA That's why we need you, Romeo. We need every man-jack of the Montagues to beat back the brazen clay-brained Capulets. Even you, my nervous bucko! ROMEO I'm too mature for this, Mercutia. Maybe in my wilder days... MERCUTIA In your wilder days! You were never wild. You were born old before your time. Take hold of your youth while you have it, Romeo! Enjoy yourself. Go crazy! SAMANTHA Fight back, Romeo. Don't let Mercutia get away with that kind of talk! NELL Yes, be bloody, bold and resolute! BENVOLIO Give Romeo some room to breathe. Not everyone likes to get into wild scrapes and batttles. NELL Some drink at the fountain of bravery. Some, like Romeo and Benvolio, only gargle! BENVOLIO But Florence want this to be a peaceful masquerade! SAMANTHA Now Benvolio is arguing for peace again. The two of you are all bark and no bite Ha! Ha! The wild dogs have lost their fangs, it seems! ROMEO I'm not such a tame dog I can't teach you some new tricks, you mangy cur! MERCUTIA Now that's the Romeo I remember! (MERCUTIA places a mask on Romeo') You put this on and no one will recognize you at the party. You might even find a maid who strikes your fancy! SAMANTHA He's right, Romeo. You need to find something to bring you back to life. You're no good to any of us in your present state! NELL You have no energy. No enthusiasm! MERCUTIA Every time we think of a little mischief for the Capulets, you try to talk us out of it. You're no fun, Romeo! ROMEO (taking off his mask) Why? Because I'm against these endless battles, continual arguments, and eternal hatreds? MERCUTIA We all know your opinions on that matter, Romeo. But will you at least join us for a little fun as we gently tweek the noses of the conniving Capulets? NELL It's never too late for delight, my dear! MERCUTIA Come on, Romeo. SAMANTHA It'll be fun. NELL Please, Romeo. Please! (all but Romeo sing chorus) (Song #4 - "Song for Romeo") (chorus) LOVER LAD WHY MUST YOU ACT SO SAD IT CAN'T BE ALL THAT BAD SWEET LOVER LAD! BENVOLIO AND NELL JUST TAKE A CHANCE STAY FOR AWHILE THE GIRLS WILL LOVE YOUR WORLDLY AND SOPHISTICATED STYLE! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! ALL LOVER BOY COME ON, RELAX, ENJOY! IT'S TIME TO SHIP AHOY! SWEET LOVER BOY MERCUTIA AND SAMANTHA YOU BE THE KING SHE'LL BE YOUR QUEEN JUST WRAP YOUR HAPPY ARMS ABOUT HER ON THE VILLAGE GREEN! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! ALL LOVER GUY WHY MUST YOU ACT SO SHY? YOU'RE GONNA OSSIFY! SWEET LOVER GUY ALL YOUR BRAIN IS FILLED WITH POINTLESS STRIFE AND WE FEEL SICK TO SEE YOU MISSING ROMANCE ALL YOUR LIFE! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! LOVER MAN COME JOIN OUR HAPPY CLAN DON'T BE NO PURITAN! (retard last line) SWEET LOVER MAN ROMEO Where's it to be? NELL Right here! In this self-same pub! MERCUTIA In fact, some of the Capulets will be arriving soon. If we leave now to costume, we can be back in no time with our disguises for the Blue and Gold Masquerade. SAMANTHA I heard it will be a birthday party, too. BENVOLIO Who's birthday? SAMANTHA Some contemptible and homely Capulet girl. BENVOLIO I hope they have some food! MERCUTIA If you were as ready for a fight as you are for food, you'd be the brave one, Benvolio! SAMANTHA I'm not too sure I'd bet on the Capulet cooking. BENVOLIO I'm sure they're food is as good as anyone else's MERCUTIA Anyone else's roadkill, perhaps. NELL Oh, sweet Samantha, are you up for a large chunk of highway skunk? SAMANTHA Oh, stomach be still, I'm getting ill! ROMEO (trying to join in) And for dessert, a swirl of squirrel, followed by Road Toad Ala Mode! (others ignore ROMEO'S joke) MERCUTIA Did someone make a remark? NELL I heard nothing! Maybe it was a lonely lamb bleating in the meadow? SAMANTHA Alas! Alack! Had we but the roguish Romeo to join in our jests! BENVOLIO Ah, but Romeo is gone, dead, departed. A mere memory of his former self. MERCUTIA My noble friend! A cold cadaver in the coffin of inaction! Romeo the brave is henceforth banished from our eyes and ears! ROMEO (Dramatically) No my good Mercutia; banish Tybalta, banish Gregory, banish all the Capulets; but for sweet Romeo, true Romeo, valiant Romeo, and therefore more valiant, being, as he is a true blue Montague, banish not him from the Montague's company; before banishing Romeo, banish all the world! MERCUTIA (laughing) Then sweet, true, and valiant Romeo, wilt thou come with us? (enter MOLLY PROP) MOLLY PROP Quickly, quickly! Make ready for the masquerade! We all get to wear masks and then later, we take off our masks and our true selves are reviled! ROMEO (laughing) I'll come! I'll come! (Exit all but ROMEO, cheering. ROMEO turns and addresses the audience with sudden seriousness as lightning flashes and thunder booms ominously.) My mind misgives some consequence yet hanging in the stars shall bitterly begin his fearful date with untimely death! (reprise "Romeo," slower and sentimental instrumental) ACT 1 Scene 6 (FLORENCE is behind bar. SUSAN and GREGORY are chatting together at upstage table. TYBALTA and CAPULETS enter. All the Capulets have masks readily available for the masquerade. TYBALTA carries a hand full of feathers in one hand and a box marked "AK-47" under his upstage arm. He places the weapon on bar.) GREGORY Tybalta, how did the duck hunting go? TYBALTA One blast from my AK-47 and... (she throws the feathers into the air) SUSAN Oh, that must be a frightful weapon! (reaching for box) May I look at it? TYBALTA I'll just keep it in the box for now. DANIEL Is that thing legal? TYBALTA It is for me! (Song #5 - "AK-Forty-seven") (TYBALTA sings and CAPULETS join in chorus) TYBALTA WHEN I GO A-HUNTING FOR A DUCK YOU KNOW WHAT I KEEP IN MY PICK-UP TRUCK AK-47! TALKING 'BOUT A WEAPON THAT'S A LOT OF FUN DO A LOT OF DAMAGE BEFORE IT'S DONE AK-47! (chorus) OKAY, OKAY, A-KAY, A-KAY FORTY-SEVEN, FORTY-SEVEN SOME SAY FOR HUNTIN IT IS NOT FAIR SAY WHAT THEY LIKE, 'CAUSE I DON'T CARE AK-47 'CAUSE HUNTING FOR ME IS NOT A GAME I WANT A WEAPON I DON'T HAVE TO AIM! AK-47 OKAY, OKAY, A-KAY, A-KAY FORTY-SEVEN, FORTY-SEVEN IF THEY TRY TO TAKE MY WEAPON AWAY LET 'EM TRY---MAKE MY DAY! AK-47 WORKS ON DUCKS AND HERE'S SOME NEWS IT'LL PUT BIG HOLES IN THE MONTAGUES! AK-47 OKAY, OKAY, A-KAY, A-KAY FORTY-SEVEN, FORTY-SEVEN (repeat last line) (Enter JULIET) POTPAN It's the birthday girl! TYBALTA (as if to spank her) And how many spanks is it this year, Sister Deary! JULIET Just try, Tybalta, and I'll feed your hand to a chainsaw! SUSAN O, Juliet. It's so sad. All these spankings and never been kissed! JULIET Must thou remind me also, Susan? (looking at the feathers on the floor) I see the great hunter has been after our fine feathered friends again! TYBALTA It was a fine mallard. Unfortunately, all that's left is the feathers. (FLORENCE detects a problem and looks out the front door) JULIET Watch out, Tybalta. If you evolve any more, your tail might fall off. FLORENCE I think your Bruno is causing a ruckus, Tybalta. He's going after some of the customers out there by your truck. TYBALTA Daniel! DANIEL Yes, yes. I'm here. TYBALTA See if you can tie up Bruno or something. DANIEL Oh, no! not Bruno. TYBALTA He's a good dog. He probably won't bite you too hard, Daniel. GREGORY (laughing) That's right, Daniel. Show that Bruno who's the boss! FLORENCE (pointing to AK-47 box) And while you're at it, get rid of that vile weapon. That's the last thing we need in here. DANIEL (exiting with rope and AK-47 box. He returns later in time to help sing "I Smell Something Blue" song.) Why couldn't it be an alligator? Or a grizzly bear? Anything but Bruno! (Loud barking and snarling as Daniel attends to Bruno. Others laugh at Daniel's predicament) POTPAN Heel! Bruno! Heel! (more viscious barking and snarling and laughing) SUSAN All set for the festivities, Florence? FLORENCE All sent. But I'll have no fighting this year. The peace of my pub must be kept! TYBALTA Oh, but I do begin to have bloody thoughts when my mind turns to those Montague morons prowling about. FLORENCE (shaking her head) Too bad there's no vaccine against stupidity. Try to be logical here. You shouldn't see yourself as their enemy. POTPAN The only enemy here is those blue-shirted Shakespeare-loving Montagues! SUSAN Right you are, Potpan. They're the ones who are always looking for trouble! (DANIEL enters with PARIS and LORD and LADY CAPULET) DANIEL This way my noble lords and ladies! PARIS I want to dance and dance! And sing and sing! I do so love parties! LORD CAPULET Calm down, Paris! PARIS I just hope there's no cross words with the Montagues! Especially that rude Mercutia. She's a tough one she is. And such a bully, bully, bully!!! TYBALTA Aye! If they're looking for troubles, I know just the place they'll find it! (CAPULETS sing. JULIET and FLORENCE join in chorus from behind bar.) (Song #6 - "I Smell Something Blue") (CHORUS -ALL) SINGING, OOH, OOH, I SMELL SOMETHING BLUE IT MUST BE THE ROT OF THE MONTAGUE CREW SINGING, OOH, OOH, WE SHOULD BANISH THESE FAKES IT'S THE GARDEN OF EDEN AND THEY ARE THE SNAKES! PARIS THEIR FACES ARE DIRTY; THEIR HAIR IS UNKEMPT THEIR GARMENTS OF BLUE ARE BENEATH OUR CONTEMPT! SUSAN THEIR MANNERS ARE AWFUL; THEIR BRAINS ARE ALL FRIED THE WHEEL IS STILL SPINNING, BUT THE HAMSTER HAS DIED! (repeat chorus) TYBALTA MERCUTIA'S CONCEITED; SHE THINKS SHE'S SO GREAT BUT SHE ONE TACO SHORT OF A FULL COMBO PLATE GREGORY SHE'S MISSING SOME KEYS ON HER REMOTE CONTROL SHE'S A FEW PEAS SHORT OF A FULL CASSEROLE! (repeat chorus) DANIEL AND ROMEO'S SOMEONE THAT NO ONE WOULD WANT WITH AND IQ OF TWO WHEN IT TAKES THREE TO GRUNT HE'S SHALLOW AND SILLY AND WHAT'S EVEN WORSE HE'S PROOF EVOLUTION CAN GO IN REVERSE (repeat chorus. Retard last line) (Enter ROMEO and MONTAGUES, all masked) MERCUTIALet us all now choose partners for the dance! (she pushes ROMEO forward) ROMEO (aside to MERCUTIA) My courage fails me! MERCUTIA Cowards die many times before their deaths! The valiant never taste of death but once! TYBALTA Come along, Juliet! You know you'll never meet a fellow if you don't take a chance! Onto the dance floor with you. And be quick about it! JULIET (pleading with several CAPULETS) Hasten not. I'm not ready. I can't do it. It's beyond me. I've never done this before. I'll make a fool of myself! SUSAN No more than I did last year! (several CAPULETS laugh) FLORENCE Be it so, masqueraders! Musicians, tune your instruments. And dancers, to your marks. If music be the food of love, play on; Give me excess of it, that the appetite may sicken, and so die! (All dance and sing but Juliet and Romeo, who remain as wallflowers on the perimeters) (Song #7 - "A Masquerade") ALL A MASQUERADE- WHERE EVERY FACE IS HIDDEN A MASQUERADE- WHERE CUPID COMES UNBIDDEN A MASQUERADE- YOU'LL DIG IT, I'M NOT KIDDIN'! FOR EVERY MAN AND EVERY MAID A MASQUERADE! JULIET (alone, she sings this soliloquy downstage right, in a minor key) I HAVE SUCH FEAR, MY HAND WILL NOT BE TAKEN THE OTHERS DANCE, BUT I AM ALL FORSAKEN I'M JUST AN EGG, WHO NEVER MEETS THE BACON THERE IS NO MAN TO TAKE THIS MAID FOR MASQUERADE ALL A MASQUERADE- WHERE ANYONE MAY HOLD YOU A MASQUERADE - CONCEALMENT WILL EMBOLD YOU A MASQUERADE- NO ONE IS GONNA SCOLD YOU FOR EVERY MAN AND EVERY MAID A MASQUERADE! ROMEO (downstage left, noticing Juliet) THERE'S ONE LIKE ME, WHO HASN'T BEEN SELECTED HOW SHALL I DARE? SUPPOSE I AM REJECTED? BUT I MUST TRY, OR NEVER BE RESPECTED I'LL BE A MAN AND CHOOSE THIS MAID FOR MASQUERADE! (Romeo and Juliet join in the dance) ALL A MASQUERADE- WHERE EVERY FACE IS HIDDEN A MASQUERADE- WHERE CUPID COMES UNBIDDEN A MASQUERADE- YOU'LL DIG IT, I'M NOT KIDDIN'! FOR EVERY MAN AND EVERY MAID A MASQUERADE! FOR EVERY MAN AND EVERY MAID A MASQUERADE! (After song, the dancers bow to other, stripping off their masks. ROMEO'S friends try to warn him not to unmask himself in front of TYBALTA.) TYBALTA (not noticing ROMEO yet) What a dancer am I! Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them! ROMEO (seeing JULIET unmasked) She doth teach the torches to burn bright! Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true beauty till this night. TYBALTA (seeing ROMEO) What! Dares the scoundrel slave come hither, covered with an antic face, to fleer and scorn at our solemnity, to mock our masquerade? Fetch me my AK-47, Daniel! FLORENCE (coming between them) He shall be endured. Am I the mistress here, or you? Depart this place and do it now! (DANIEL awaits orders from TYBALTA. TYBALTA hesitates, then decides to obey FLORENCE.) TYBALTA How bitter it is to look at happiness in an enemy's eyes. I'd love to set my Bruno lunging at his weak-hinged neck! ALL Oooh! (TYBALTA exits) FLORENCE Forget this vile disturbance. Pray, let us all be jolly. Musicians, play again that cheer return. (Musicians play a much slower and softer instrumental version of the "Let's Drink" waltz done later in show. All dance. But soon all is muted and still as ROMEO and JULIET meet center stage.) ROMEO If I profane with my unworthiest hand This holy shrine, the gentle sin is this: My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss. JULIET What? What are thou saying? ROMEO Have not saints lips, and holy palmers, too? JULIET Saints? Palmers? Why speaketh thou like thith? ROMEO O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do. JULIET Are you going to kiss me? ROMEO Then move not while my prayers effect I take Thus from my lips, by thine my sin is purged. (They kiss.) JULIET O, sweet and silver-tongued stranger! (pause) Thou art good! Then have my lips the sin that they have took? ROMEO Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again! (they kiss again) JULIET You kiss by the book...and I want to read every chapter! ROMEO (standing away from her, in disbelief) This is remarkable! I never thought this could happen! I thought I was too shy. I thought it was too late! JULIET (approaching him, concerned) Why say you this? ROMEO (ashamed) My conversation lacks...wit. I am not what you would call a handsome man! I thought I was too late in the game to ever find love. JULIET (embracing him) Oh, sweet stranger! It's never too late! (They sing. Ensemble sings "It's not too late." ROMEO and JULIET sing second part of each line of verse. Ensemble "hums" during "Bibbety" chorus and harmonizes along with "It isn't over".) (Song #8 - "It's Not Too Late") IT'S NOT TOO LATE - IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO SING A SONG IT'S NOT TOO LATE - IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO RIGHT A WRONG IT'S NOT TOO LATE - THE STARS ARE SHINING UP ABOVE IT'S NOT TOO LATE - IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO FALL IN LOVE (CHORUS) MY HEART GOES BIBBETY, BOBBETY, BIBBETY, BOBBETY, BIBBETY, BOBBETY, BIBBETY, BOBBETY, BOOM! INSTEAD OF SIGHING AND CRYING AND MOANING AND GROANING WE'RE THINKING OF MAYBE BECOMING A BRIDE AND GROOM! IT ISN'T OVER, TILL IT'S OVER IT AIN'T DONE, TILL IT'S DONE! IT'S NOT TOO LATE - IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO HAVE SOME FUN IT'S NOT TOO LATE - IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO FIND THE ONE IT'S NOT TOO LATE - THE FINAL BUZZER HASN'T RUNG IT'S NOT TOO LATE - THE CHUBBY LADY HASN'T SUNG! (REPEAT CHORUS) SUSAN Juliet! Florence craves a word with you! (FLORENCE, smiling, gives JULIET a hug and leads her behind bar) ROMEO (to SUSAN) Who is she? SUSAN She is Juliet, sister to Tybalta. She is a Capulet and a relative of mine! (SUSAN joins GREGORY and DANIEL) ROMEO O dear account! My life is my foe's debt! NELL (worried) Away, be gone; the sport is at the best. ROMEO Ay, so I fear; the more is my unrest! (ROMEO and MONTAGUES exit, ROMEO straining for one last glimpse of Juliet) FLORENCE Friends! Friends! Lend me your ear! The Blue and Gold Masquerade is officially over. Perhaps you can gather at Gregory's for further sport! DANIEL (embracing his sister SUSAN on his way out and turning to GREGORY) Noble Gregory, I trust you'll see my sister Susan home? GREGORY (with his arms also around SUSAN as he jokes) See Susan home? I suppose I could, but there are many others who seek my company tonight! (SUSAN breaks away and pounds the laughing GREGORY.) SUSAN And I'm not good enough, I suppose? (All exit, but POTPAN and JULIET) JULIET Who was that handsome gentleman I had the good luck to dance with? POTPAN (friendly) The one who seemed so taken up with you? That was Romeo. JULIET And who is Romeo? POTPAN (suddenly angry) One of those lewd eye-offending MONTAGUES who have been hanging around here causing all the troubles! (POTPAN exits) JULIET (despondent) My only love, sprung from my only hate! (Blackout) ACT 1 Scene 7 (later that evening. ROMEO in halflight, sees JULIET at her window, downstage right) ROMEO But soft! What light through yonder window breaks. It is the East, and Juliet is the sun! See how she leans her cheek on her hand! O, that I were a glove upon that hand that I might touch that cheek. JULIET Ay me! ROMEO She speaks! JULIET O, Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo! ROMEO I take thee at thy word. Call me but love, and I'll be new baptized. Henceforth I never will be Romeo. JULIET My ears have yet not drunk a hundred words of thy tongue's uttering, yet I know the sound. Art thou not Romeo, and a Montague? ROMEO Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike. We are linked together, cosmically, by the stars. I am Yang, the masculine principle, and you are Yin, the female. (they sing) (Song #9 - "Cosmic Love") ROMEO HOT TAR ON THE STREET HOLDS A BOTTLE CAP, JUST LIKE I'M STUCK ON YOU JULIET AND THOUGH MY NAMES IS CAPULET, I LOVE THIS MONTAGUE! BOTH BEEN A-CREEPIN' AND A-CRAWLIN' IN THE DESERT SAND BUT WE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE PROMISED LAND ROMEO YOU BE YIN JULIET YOU BE YANG BOTH AND WE'LL HAVE COSMIC LOVE ROMEO MY FORMER LIFE WAS JUST A FLOP, BUT NOW THE WORLD IS NEW JULIET A PIG CAN GET HER FILL OF SLOP, BUT I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF YOU BOTH BEEN A-CREEPIN' AND A-CRAWLIN' IN THE DESERT SAND BUT WE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE PROMISED LAND ROMEO YOU BE YIN JULIET YOU BE YANG BOTH AND THIS IS COSMIC LOVE ROMEO LIKE A COWBOY NEEDS A HUNK OF ROPE, I'M HUNG UP ON YOU JULIET LIKE A SALESMAN STEALS THE HOTEL SOAP, YOU STOLE MY HEART, IT'S TRUE BOTH BEEN A-CREEPIN' AND A-CRAWLIN' IN THE DESERT SAND BUT WE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE PROMISED LAND ROMEO YOU BE YIN JULIET YOU BE YANG BOTH AND WE'LL HAVE COSMIC LOVE ROMEO YOU ARE THE ANSWER TO MY SEARCH, LET'S BUY A WEDDING RING JULIET LET'S FIND A PREACHER AND A CHURCH, ‘CAUSE YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING BOTH BEEN A-CREEPIN' AND A-CRAWLIN' IN THE DESERT SAND BUT WE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE PROMISED LAND ROMEO YOU BE YIN JULIET YOU BE YANG BOTH AND WE'LL HAVE COSMIC LOVE (instrumental for a verse and a chorus. Romeo stands and snaps fingers while Juliet does an energetic tap dance) ROMEO THIS IS OUR COSMIC LOVE SONG, TO WED YOU IS MY FATE JULIET THE CHURCH BELL'S GONNA DING DONG, AND I CAN HARDLY WAIT. BOTH BEEN A-CREEPIN' AND A-CRAWLIN' IN THE DESERT SAND BUT WE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE PROMISED LAND ROMEO YOU BE YIN JULIET YOU BE YANG BOTH AND WE'LL HAVE COSMIC LOVE OH YEAH! WE'LL HAVE COSMIC LOVE! (Enter FLORENCE, interrupting them before they can kiss.) FLORENCE These violent delights have violent ends! Therefore, love moderately! JULIET Florence! Thou must keep our love a secret! My sister Tybalta would slay us both if she knew! FLORENCE Relax, shy Juliet! This feud has gone on too long. I'll not hinder, but help you. ROMEO And how will you help? FLORENCE I am a minister. I can marry you. JULIET A minister? Of what church? FLORENCE The Universal Life Church. I received my degree by mail several years ago. It only cost me a stamp! ROMEO Thank Heavens for the U.S. Post Office! FLORENCE Come, come with me, and we will make short work; For, by your leave, you shall not stay alone Till Universal Life Church incorporate two in one. (FLORENCE exits. ROMEO and JULIET repeat last verse and chorus of "Cosmic Wino" and exit as lights dim to black.) (they sing) ROMEO THIS IS OUR COSMIC LOVE SONG, TO WED YOU IS MY FATE JULIET THE CHURCH BELL'S GONNA DING DONG, AND I CAN HARDLY WAIT. BOTH BEEN A-CREEPIN' AND A-CRAWLIN' IN THE DESERT SAND BUT WE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE PROMISED LAND ROMEO YOU BE YIN JULIET YOU BE YANG BOTH AND WE'LL HAVE COSMIC LOVE OH YEAH! WE'LL HAVE COSMIC LOVE! END OF ACT I ACT II Scene 1 (After musical prologue of instrumental versions of "It's Not Too Late" and "Cosmic Love", enter MERCUTIA, NELL, SAMANTHA, and BENVOLIO, all furious.) MERCUTIA How could we let them get away with that? SAMANTHA We crash a party to destroy the Capulets, and instead everyone dances and sings and has a great time! We didn't go there to have a great time! (realizing what she just said) I meant that to sound different! NELL Meanwhile, the Capulets continue to parade about happily like some arrogant hive of crazed Yellow Jackets! MERCUTIA O calm, dishonorable, vile submission! For now, these hot days, is the hot blood stirring! The Capulets are and always will be the enemy. SAMANTHA And silly Romeo finally falls in love. After all these years, Romeo is struck by the thunderbolt! NELL And who does he fall in love with? MERCUTIA Who finally captures his fancy? ALL (very sarcastically) Lover boy falls in love with lover girl! ...A CAPULET!!! BENVOLIO (acting bored, playing with a sack) So much talk. So much twaddle! And so little action! NELL O, and has the bold Benvolio an answer to our problem? BENVOLIO (pulling a pipe bomb from behind him) Two answers, O nervous Nelly. First, a pipe bomb! SAMANTHA (very impressed) Just the thing to add some spice to the punch! BENVOLIO All this time I've been on the side of peace, on the side of compromise, on the side of Romeo. But Romeo has gone too far this time. Imagine falling in love with one of those butter-brained Capulets! NELL And what else does the newly enraged Benvolio have for us? BENVOLIO (holding up a wired contraption) A timing device for the pipe bomb. That way we could blow up Tybalta's lovely pickup while we are miles away! SAMANTHA That's perfect. We'll set an alibi in another town just as the timer sets off the charge! NELL Now there's the mischief to upset the cowardly Capulets! You're positive, of course, that this will only destroy the truck! BENVOLIO Well, there is the matter of Tybalta's AK-47. It's usually in her pick-up. SAMANTHA That's even better. It'll be hard to intimidate us without that ugly weapon! MERCUTIA (holding the pipe bomb) I have a hunch this powerful punch will hurt a bunch! SAMANTHA But is this game sportsmanlike? BENVOLIO What care we? Just think of how Tybalta threatens everyone continally with her brutal Bruno... ALL Ooooohhhh! BENVOLIO And her vicious Russian Tommy-gun! (MONTAGUES sing) (Song #10 - "A Sneak Attack") ALL A SNEAK ATTACK! AND WE'LL SHELLACK OUR ENEMIES, THE EVIL-HEARTED CAPULETS YOU SHOOT A DUCK, WE BOMB YOUR TRUCK YOU MUST ADMIT OUR LOGIC IS IMMACULATE MERCUTIA TYBALTA'S QUITE A MONSTER BUT THAT'S HOW SHE WAS TRAINED HER BRAIN'S NOT MERELY TWISTED BUT ACTUALLY SPRAINED! All ACTUALLY SPRAINED! A SNEAK ATTACK! WE'LL BREAK YOUR BACK OUR ENEMIES, THE EVIL-HEARTED CAPULETS YOU THINK YOUR STRONG, BUT THAT'S QUITE WRONG JUST WAIT AWHILE AND WE ARE GONNA SMACK YOU YET! BENVOLIO WHEN SUSAN WAS A CHILD, EVEN HER PA DID HATE HER HE ORDERED TINTED GLASS ON SUSAN'S INCUBATER! ALL ON SUSAN'S INCUBATER! A SNEAK ATTACK! IT'S TIME TO CRACK OUR ENEMIES, THE EVIL-HEARTED CAPULETS NO TIME TO SLACK! WE'RE ON THE TRACK AND AFTER ALL, WE'RE ONLY PAYING BACK OUR DEBTS! AND AFTER ALL, WE'RE ONLY PAYING BACK OUR DEBTS! (They exit on repeat of last words. Lights down) ACT II Scene 2 (enter TYBALTA, DANIEL, SUSAN, Gregory and POTPAN. FLORENCE is at bar.) DANIEL (laughing) That's right, that's right. Things don't always happen the way we think they will. GREGORY Like what? DANIEL Like at the party! I thought the mutinous Montagues would find some way to disrupt the fun. GREGORY Well, one ours tried her best. Doesn't that count? TYBALTA Tried my best, is it? Tried my best? You have no idea what my best would look like. If I tried my best, there'd be a hole in every Montague as wide as a church! POTPAN And as deep as a well! TYBALTA That's right, Potpan. As deep as a well. The only reason I held back was out of respect for Florence. FLORENCE (sarcastically) Sure, it was Tybalta's famous self-control. (Song #11 - "Self-Control") TYBALTA (singing) WHEN THE TIMES ARE HOT AND YOU'RE FEELING BLUE AND YOU'D LOVE TO PUNCH OUT A MONTAGUE YOU GOTTA HAVE SELF-CONTROL OR YOU'LL LOSE YOUR SOUL WHEN YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO SHOW YOUR HAND AND YOU MUST NOT SHOW WHERE YOU REALLY STAND YOU GOTTA HAVE SELF-CONTROL OR YOU'LL LOSE YOUR SOUL GREGORY AND DANIEL A LOT OF ANGRY FOLKS, YOU KNOW ARE WALKING ‘ROUND TODAY POTPAN THEIR BLOOD IS LIKE A LAVA FLOW AN ERUPTION'S ON THE WAY TYBALTA SO BE LIKE ME, AND PLAY IT COOL AND DON'T BECOME AND ANGRY FOOL YOU GOTTA HAVE SELF-CONTROL OR YOU'LL LOSE YOUR SOUL ALL YOU GOTTA HAVE SELF-CONTROL OR YOU'LL LOSE YOUR SOUL GREGORY You know, I always wanted to know what caused the feud in the first place. Does anyone remember? FLORENCE I certainly remember. It was an argument between Tybalta and Mercutia. Over authorship, of all things. GREGORY Authorship? SUSAN Stupid Mercutia thought Shakespeare wrote all those plays. She said Shakespeare was the one and only guy who wrote all that stuff. She said all those rumors about those other writers was just a big lie. Sure, sure. As if one person could write all those great plays! (Indicating Tybalta) But your friend here won the argument. TYBALTA I proved that most of the plays were written by aliens. GREGORY (his draw dropping) What?! POTPAN I'm with Daniel, Gregory. Shakespeare was just a dumb actor. No way a thick-headed thespian could write all those plays. He didn't have the brains! GREGORY (protesting) But surely you jest. All those arguments about other writers seem so silly. TYBALTA (explaining calmly) No, Gregory, I'm afraid you've missed the boat here. Shakespeare was just a sailor on the ship of art. He definitely was no captain. Only an alien from some advanced planet could have written such work. Silly Willy was just a hillbilly! GREGORY (angry now) Art thou angry because a provincial grammar school boy is the national poet of England? This is mere snobbery. TYBALTA That's just what muddle-headed Mercutia said. (patiently, as if explaining to a child) But what you don't undererstand is that Willy boy was just an uneducated peasant. GREGORY Because he came from a small town? You're not suggesting he was just some sort semi-literate rustic who could barely write his own name? SUSAN Write his own name? He couldn't even do that. He spelled it differently every time. GREGORY (sputtering) But...but...that doesn't make any sense! You actually think an alien wrote his plays? What you're saying makes no sense whatsoever. SUSAN Does to me. POTPAN Me, too. DANIEL Imagine being stupid enough to think a manure-spreading farmboy wrote those plays! TYBALTA (to Gregory) You're not on their side, are you? You're not thick-witted enough to say the Montagues are right and the Capulets are wrong? GREGORY (throwing up his hands) I give up. I give up. Tybalta is right. Tybalta is always right. TYBALTA That's right, that's right. And I got the truth in black and white. GREGORY Is there some new evidence from one of the universities? SUSAN We need no fancy schools to get at the truth. Just pick up a newspaper! GREGORY What? What? What's this about a newspaper? TYBALTA That's where I first read about it. I was in this long line at the supermarket GREGORY The supermarket? Hast thou been perusing the National Enquirer again, Tybalta? TYBALTA (threatening) Do you have any problems with that , Gruesome Gregory? I just happen to possess an enquiring mind! GREGORY (laughing) Peace, peace, O hot-blooded Tybalta! I meant you no harm. But not even the National Enquirer would claim an alien wrote all those plays! TYBALTA Somebody get the article for me. It's on the front seat of my truck! GREGORY I don't dare leave now. I hear there's a disturbance in the Force! TYBALTA Daniel? DANIEL Curses! Not me again! TYBALTA Yes, Daniel. The article be in my truck. But be fearful of the bold Bruno. He's trained to attack on sight. ALL Oooh! DANIEL Please don't send me near the brutal and brazen Bruno. TYBALTA Fret not, Daniel. Bruno is the kindest pit bull of them all. Just remember to cower politely and he might spare you. DANIEL (exiting) I like this not! FLORENCE That dog is a menace, Tybalta. Let's hope Daniel returns safely! (Offstage can be heard the snarling and barking BRUNO. DANIEL is heard to plea "Down, boy. Down, boy." Capulets all laugh, slapping each other on the back and enjoying DANIEL'S discomfort. Then there is a terrific explosion. All run outside, except Florence , who looks extremely concerned.) SUSAN (enters and falls weakly to her knees) O piteous spectacle. O most bloody sight! Daniel is dead! Daniel is dead! May those who did this more than bloody deed receive sweet vengeance (holds up her hands) from these bloody hands! ACT II Scene 3 (ROMEO enters, distraught) ROMEO Oh, I am fortune's fool! Innocent Daniel is dead and surely the blame will be cast on me. Someone in my family killed my lady love's kinsman. Woe is me! My only chance is that she reads my note and tears it not in two. For if she tears my note, she tears my heart! (Disconsolate, he finds a chair, sighs deeply, and sits with his head bowed. Then he rouses himself.) Be not a peevish, cowardly pantaloon! Stand up, stand up; and you be a man! For Juliet's sake, for her sake, rise and stand! (he sings, the second verse to JULIET'S window, very dramatically) (Song #13 - "Try Love") Romeo MY LOVE IS HOTTER THAN THE MOON IN JUNE! MY LOVE IS THICKER THAN A WOODEN SPOON! MY LOVE IS LONGER THAN A SHINY SHOOTING STAR! MY LOVE IS HIGHER THAN KAREEM ABDUL JABBAR! (he addresses the missing Juliet at her window) O COME WITH ME AND BE MY LADY LOVE! I'LL BE THE HAND AND YOU CAN BE THE GLOVE! O COME WITH ME, MY LOVE, AND WE WILL LIVE IN PEACE! MY LOVE IS BURNING LIKE A FLAMING PAN OF GREASE! TRY LOVE! TRY LOVE! TRY LOVE! TRY LOVE! TRY LOVE! (ROMEO exits. Blackout) ACT II Scene 4 (JULIET, in a black shawl, enters with suitcase. She places suitcase on bar and looks at a letter given to her by Romeo.) JULIET That was the saddest funeral that ever graced this sickened village. He writes that it was none of his doing. And I want to believe him. I love him. And yet, I hate him. He is, after all, a Montague. Thus his hands do drip with the blood of my kinsman! And yet...and yet I would kiss those purpled hands for I know in my heart he is innocent. Innocent...guilty...it matters little to me! I am guilty because I love him no matter how guilty he is. And yet, when I see the sorrowful Susan so wounded by her brother's death, I am filled with loathing of the serpent heart, hid with a flowering face beneath his harmless head. Was ever a book containing such vile matter so fairly bound? O, that deceit should dwell in such a gorgeous binding! (JULIET hears someone coming and quickly drapes her black shawl over her suitcase. SUSAN enters, also in a black shawl.) SUSAN He's dead, he's dead, he's dead! My only brother killed by grizzled white-livered savages not fit to black his boots! JULIET (sympathetic) O, Susan! SUSAN I saw the pieces of his body draped scarlet around the remains of TYBALTA's truck. Alack the day! He's gone, he's killed, he dead! JULIET Come here, sad Susan! Do not stand alone. Let the river of your tears drown my sympathetic shoulder! (They embrace, then SUSAN breaks away.) SUSAN A piteous corpse, a bloody piteous course; Pale, pale as ashes, all bedaubed in blood. All in gore blood. (SUSAN, despondent, then suspicious, rests her hand on JULIET'S suitcase and then undrapes it.) SUSAN What's this for? JULIET (pause) I'm leaving, Susan. SUSAN (angry) When? JULIET Soon. SUSAN Today? JULIET Yes. SUSAN Alone? JULIET No. SUSAN With whom? (muted lightning and thunder effects) JULIET (unable to lie to SUSAN) With Romeo, Susan. With Romeo, one of the Montagues... SUSAN (shocked) The Montagues! JULIET (miserable) Yes. The Montagues. The same group responsible for Daniel's death. SUSAN And you're leaving with him? JULIET (defensive) I married him. He's my husband. I have no choice. I love him. SUSAN (almost spitting with hate) You married...one of them? You married one of my brother's killers? JULIET (contrite) Susan! SUSAN You shameless woman! You saucy, eye-offending dogfish! JULIET Susan, I'm sorry. SUSAN (repeating herself in confused anger) You married him. One of them. (she turns to exit. JULIET stops her.) JULIET He had nothing to do with Daniel's death. SUSAN And if it turns out he did? JULIET (pauses, then turns from SUSAN) I don't know. (JULIET turns to SUSAN) But he's innocent. I swear to you he's innocent! SUSAN Innocent? Juliet, if he's so innocent, why did you hide the suitcase? Why are you acting so guilty? (SUSAN pauses, waiting for an answer. JULIET turns silently from her. There is a loud clash of thunder and lightning. SUSAN exits in anger. JULIET sings:) (Song #14 - "I Wish That It Was Yesterday") JULIET I WISH THAT IT WAS YESTERDAY I WISH THAT IT WAS YESTERDAY WOULDN'T IT BE GRAND STANDING WITH MY MAN I WISH THAT IT WAS YESTERDAY THE SUN WON'T SHINE ON ME TODAY THE SUN WON'T SHINE ON ME TODAY THERE'S A CLOUD IN MY HEART MAKING IT SO DARK THE SUN WON'T SHINE ON ME TODAY (Musical break. JULIET takes down the suitcase, puts in her black mourning shawl) EVEN IF THE SUN WON'T SHINE TODAY AT LEAST TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY MAYBE THERE WE'LL FIND SOME PIECE OF MIND I WISH THAT IT WAS YESTERDAY (ROMEO enters. They embrace and then they both exit with thunder and lightning in the backrgound. Blackout) ACT II Scene 5 (Enter SUSAN, TYBALTA, GREGORY, and POTPAN. FLORENCE is at bar.) SUSAN She's not here! TYBALTA Do you think my sister's already making merry with Daniel's killer? GREGORY Ah, but that won't last long, noble Tybalta. Golden lads and girls all must, as chimney sweepers, come to dust! TYBALTA The time is out of joint; o cursed spite that ever I was born to set it right! Cursed Romeo! The love I bear thee can afford no better term than this: thou art a villain! SUSAN He has made worm's meat of my brother. GREGORY His death but begins the woe others must end. FLORENCE You have no evidence that Romeo can be implicated in all this! TYBALTA I need no exquisite reason. Everyone knows he's a Montague. FLORENCE Use your brain, Tybalta, or is that an organ you lack? GREGORY We lack for nothing around here, especially murderers. I say we dispatch them all to everlasting agony. SUSAN I'm with Gregory. Kill them all. Let the coffin worms feast on the flesh of the Montagues! TYBALTA I'd kill them all with my AK-47 if it wasn't blown up with poor Daniel! FLORENCE Just stay away from my rat poison! POTPAN Shooting them's too easy. And too fast. We need to torture these blood-thirsty villains! GREGORY I've tried to control myself, but I, too, feel the need for swift and savage vengeance! SUSAN Yes! Yes! Yes! This is not the time for self-control. TYBALTA Potpan's right. Shooting's too quick. They should die slowly, slowly. We must prolong the agony! FLORENCE Just don't use my rat poison! SUSAN I know! Let's poison the Shakespeare-worshipping pig-dogs! FLORENCE No! I said you can't use my rat poison! TYBALTA Perfect, Susan! We'll need to borrow some of your glasses, Florence, and pour a kindly drop for our thirsty Montague friends! (the CAPULETS fill glasses with poison and scatter glasses about.) FLORENCE I'll not have the patrons poisoned in my pub! Do you hear me? I'll have none of this! POTPAN You won't have a choice! FLORENCE We all have choices. I'll warn them that the drinks are poisoned. I'll not stand idly by as you peevishly poison the population! GREGORY She'll do it, Tybalta. The woman must be silenced! TYBALTA (pulling out a handy coil of rope from behind bar) You're too full of the milk of human kindness, Florence! POTPAN Good idea! Let's tie her up before she ties a knot in our plan! FLORENCE And what demon was it tied a knot in your brains? One innocent man has already suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. Suppose you kill another innocent man? Where is your conscience? TYBALTA We have none, for conscience doth make cowards of us all! FLORENCE I have a reply for that! POTPAN And what is that, o peace-loving Florence? (FLORENCE sings) (Song #15 - "Try Hate") FLORENCE GET OUT! GET OUT! AND GO FORTH FROM MY SIGHT! TWO WRONGS, YOU FOOLISH THUGS, DON'T MAKE A RIGHT! AND WHEN YOU MURDER PEACE YOU MURDER ALL THAT'S TRUE! THE POISON CUP YOU PASS WILL SOON BE PASSED TO YOU! GIVE UP! GIVE UP! AND GO YOUR SEPARATE WAYS! IT'S NOT A GANGSTER MOVIE MATINEE REVENGE IS JUST A WAY OF PROVING YOU ARE WEAK! THE BIBLE TELLS US WE SHOULD TURN THE OTHER CHEEK! (CAPULETS sing) SHUT UP! SHUT UP! IT'S TIME TO TAKE A STAND! REVENGE IS MINE AND DEATH IS IS NOW AT HAND! YOUR PRAYER FOR PEACE HAS PALLED AS NOW THE SUN HAS SUNK! THE WINE IS POURED AND SURELY NOW IT MUST BE DRUNK! (FLORENCE) TRY LOVE! (CAPULETS) TRY HATE! (FLORENCE) TRY LOVE! (CAPULETS) TRY HATE! (BOTH) TRY {HATE} {LOVE}! (CAPULETS laugh as they bind FLORENCE) TYBALTA We were much louder with hate than you with love! FLORENCE My limbs are bound, but still my tongue is loose! TYBALTA Silence her, Gregory. (GREGORY "conks" her with a mallet. She collapses.) Her warning will be weak indeed if she is tied and gagged outside her pub! SUSAN (as MONTAGUES maneuver FLORENCE outside the bar) Whose side are you on, Florence? Whose side are you on? POTPAN If Florence is just outside, she'll be able to hear the death moans of the Montagues! SUSAN She'll be thankful for it later. The moans of an enemy's death be music to our ears. Where the offense is, there let the axe fall. GREGORY (returning with TYBALTA) It would be wise if they didn't see us when they come in. Discretion is the better part of valor. TYBALTA (points to a restroom) The restroom. We'll hide in the restroom. (singing as they exit) CAPULETS SHUT UP! SHUT UP! IT'S TIME TO TAKE A STAND! REVENGE IS MINE AND DEATH IS IN MY HAND! YOUR PRAYER FOR PEACE HAS PALLED AS NOW THE SUN HAS SUNK THE WINE IS POURED AND SURELY NOW IT MUST BE DRUNK! TRY HATE! TRY HATE! TRY HATE! TRY HATE! (in harmony) TRY HATE! (Blackout) ACT II Scene 6 (Enter MERCUTIA, BENVOLIO, and SAMANTHA, prancing and sing-songing in a circle dance) ALL We did it, we did it, and so indeed we did it! MERCUTIA I'd give a dollar or two to see the face of Tybalta when she saw her pick-up truck all ablast! BENVOLIO (sad-faced, playing TYBALTA) O, my poor pick-up twuck! My twuckee-wuckee go bang-bang! SAMANTHA That's right, Tybalta. And no more AK-47 to threaten us with either! MERCUTIA It must have been a sight! The pipe-bomb worked just like you said, Benvolio! BENVOLIO Ah, but the delayed timing device - that was the key! Barroom it goes! And we miles away...as innocent as the unborn child! SAMANTHA Now, you're certain no one could be injured with our little prank? MERCUTIA No way! The Capulet were all safely ensconced in this self-same saloon when I placed the surprise package under Tybalta's hood. BENVOLIO Not to worry, Samantha. We've only blasted their tools of destruction! SAMANTHA Where's Nell? BENVOLIO She's doing a little spying for us. To find out how the citizens are taking to our little deed! (laughing) Looks like poor Tybalta is without a truck for awhile! MERCUTIA And without a weapon! SAMANTHA (playing a very silly Tybalta) I'm stupid Tybalta and I don't believe in Shakespeare! SAMANTHA (grabbing a glass) Here! Here! Let's drink to Shakespeare and to victory! (All grab a glass and sing. At the end of each verse, they almost drink, but then continue to sing:) (Song #16 - "Let's Drink") MONTAGUES LET'S DRINK, DRINK, DRINK TO WHAT WE HAVE DONE, DONE, DONE LET'S DRINK, DRINK, DRINK WE'VE ONLY BEGUN, BEGUN NOW THE MOVEMENT IS ON THE MOVE AND THE FEELING IS IN THE GROOVE HOW COULD ANYONE DISAPPROVE IF WE HAVE US A DRINK, DRINK, DRINK? LET'S CLINK, CLINK, CLINK TO WHAT WE WILL DO, DO, DO LET'S CLINK, CLINK, CLINK AS THE DUMB-BELLS BOO-HOO, BOO-HOO THEY'VE BEEN DISMISSING SHAKESPEARE'S WORK AND CALLING THE BARD A JERK NOW WE'RE PUTTING THEM OUT OF WORK AND IT MAKES US GO CLINK, CLINK, CLINK! LET'S DRINK, DRINK, DRINK TO WHAT WE HAVE DONE, DONE, DONE LET'S DRINK, DRINK, DRINK WE'VE ONLY BEGUN, BEGUN NOW THE MOVEMENT IS ON THE MOVE AND THE FEELING IS IN THE GROOVE HOW COULD ANYONE DISAPPROVE IF WE HAVE US A DRINK, DRINK, DRINK? (repeat last line twice) ALL Ha, ha, ha! MERCUTIA (they are all about to finally drink the poison) Let us drink now with impunity! SAMANTHA Or anyone else who invites us! (Enter NELL, obviously agitated) NELL Put down thy drinks! Cease the celebration! MERCUTIA What news, Nell? And why must we put down our glasses? NELL We are undone, Mercutia, we are undone! BENVOLIO Speak quickly, Nell, and keep us not in fearful doubt! NELL The bomb. The pipe bomb blew up a Capulet! (lightning and thunder effects) SAMANTHA Tybalta? NELL No, another Capulet. Daniel was his name! BENVOLIO Alas, poor Daniel! I knew him well. A man of infinite jest! SAMANTHA Mercutia! You promised no one would be hurt! MERCUTIA I know! I know! But no one was around the truck! How could this have happened! BENVOLIO (setting down his glass) We best not be seen celebrating in this town! MERCUTIA No! No! What we did was right! NELL It was? MERCUTIA We can't let sloppy sentimentality sway us from our steerage! BENVOLIO But we can't let the Capulets find us here. It would be our death! MERCUTIA Better die nobly for a wondrous cause then slink like craven curs before the Capulets! SAMANTHA What's your plan, brave Mercutia? MERCUTIA If we kill one Capulet, the deed is cowardly. But if we kill all the Capulets... BENVOLIO I like the sound of this. We'd be heroes. No one could deny that we have the strength of our convictions. MERCUTIA We'd be applauded as lovers of Shakespeare and pure idealists! NELL I see now. This is a case where the end justifies the means! MERCUTIA Right you are, sweet Nell. Now hand us that jug of poison over there. If they want to poison the environment with their stupidity, we'll give them a taste of their own medicine! SAMANTHA I don't know, Mercutia. This seems a bit radical, doesn't it? MERCUTIA Pure idealists are always radicals! BENVOLIO You're like Joan of Arc- off to kill the English! (all laugh as more glasses are filled and spread around the bar) NELL Come drink your fill, Capulet fools! MERCUTIA Light some candles, too, Nell. We want it too look inviting. SAMANTHA I'm glad this is all for a good cause! MERCUTIA (going to door) But soft! Someone this way comes! NELL We must hide lest we be discovered! SAMANTHA Into the restroom! It's our only chance! NELL But which one? We have two choices. MERCUTIA (pointing to the empty restroom) That one! I seem to remember the acoustics are better in there for singing! Turn off the lights when we're all inside, Benvolio! BENVOLIO Your wit is always about you. I couldn't agree more! MONTAGUES LET'S DRINK, DRINK, DRINK TO WHAT WE HAVE DONE, DONE, DONE LET'S DRINK, DRINK, DRINK WE'VE ONLY BEGUN, BEGUN NOW THE MOVEMENT IS ON THE MOVE AND THE FEELING IS IN THE GROOVE HOW COULD ANYONE DISAPPROVE IF WE HAVE US A DRINK, DRINK, DRINK? (They exit to restroom, and Benvolio hits the light toggle for darkness.) ACT II Scene 7 (Enter ROMEO and JULIET) JULIET (thunder crashes and lightning flashes) Oh, what a night to be out and about! ROMEO Juliet! The tables are all set with drinks. Was there to be some celebration this night? JULIET I know not. But let us tarry awhile and wait on Florence. We owe her that much. She's been so kind to us. ROMEO (lifting a glass) Juliet! This is for us! JULIET What is thy meaning? ROMEO This is a celebration - in our honor! They've discovered our marriage! Florence must have told them! And she must have convinced them to forgive us! This is a wedding celebration! JULIET Could it really be true, Romeo? ROMEO Of course it is true! You see the lit candles and the glasses! But methinks it be a surprise. So we must hide, Juliet! JULIET Oh, I love surprises, Romeo. But where should we hide? Outside, where Florence stores her refuse? ROMEO (he stops her) No, 'tis the first place they'd look! JULIET Then in a restroom! ROMEO (he stops her again) No, 'tis the second place they'd look! JULIET Then where!?! ROMEO Over here. In the corner. JULIET (sweetly) I so love cuddling in corners with you, Romeo! (they both sit) ROMEO I have something I would show thee! JULIET Wonderful, Romeo! I do love surprises! ROMEO (taking out a small rolled scroll) A sonnet I've writ - for thee! I'll need that candle, too. JULIET (handing him a lit candle) Romeo! Recite it for me, Romeo! (he opens scroll) I'm ready, Romeo! I'm ready! ROMEO (reciting from a scroll) When I see how your love does fill my day And think of the dangers which fill our life I wonder what peril I could delay And if I could save you from harmful strife! JULIET Amazing, Romeo! This be genius! ROMEO I worry Tybalta shalt seek revenge And even Mercutia, friend of old, Could hatch out some plot for a murder binge Somewhere in my mouth is a tooth of gold! JULIET What sayeth thou? Somewhere in thy mouth is a tooth of gold? ROMEO Well, it doth rhyme! JULIET And it scans well, too. Please continue. ROMEO Since this is a sonnet, this be line nine. You'll remember that after comes line ten, Which leaves only four, O Juliet mine To the end of the sonnet... JULIET Yes! Amen! ROMEO I love you as a miser loves his purse And here is the couplet that ends my verse! JULIET I love thy sonnet, handsome Romeo. ROMEO O, sweet, sweet Juliet! JULIET But wait! I have a gift for thee, also! ROMEO A gift? For Romeo? JULIET I was going to give it to you later, but hearing you express your love so eloquently has made me want to do the same! Romeo! Romeo! I writ thee a song! ROMEO (delighted) Sing it for me now! (JULIET sings. During the chorus and the end of song, there is some muted lightning and thunder effects) (Song #17 - "Lightning Love") JULIET LOVE STRIKES - LIKE AN ARROW OUT OF THE SKY THAT STICKS RIGHT INTO YOU HEART! LOVE STRIKES - LIKE WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING AT NIGHT AND A DEER SMASHES INTO YOUR CAR! BOOM, BOOM, RUMBLE! THE STARS TUMBLE! LIGHTNING LOVE! CAN'T HIDE - CAN'T HIDE FROM THE WONDER OF LOVE CAN'T HIDE FROM THE HOPE IN YOUR HEART! CAN'T RUN - CAN'T RUN FROM THE ONE THAT YOU LOVE AND NOTHING CAN KEEP YOU APART! BOOM, BOOM, RUMBLE! THE STARS TUMBLE! LIGHTNING LOVE! BUT I WILL STAY WITH THE MAN THAT I LOVE AND I'LL NEVER LEAVE HIM BEHIND I KNOW THE LIGHTNING OF LOVE HAS STRUCK DON'T CARE IT'S MAKING ME BLIND BOOM, BOOM, RUMBLE! THE STARS TUMBLE! LIGHTNING LOVE! LOVE STRIKES! LOVE STRIKES! LOVE STRIKES! (She joins ROMEO at table at end of song. They raise glasses, entwining arms.) ROMEO I love thee, Juliet. JULIET I love thee, too, Romeo! ROMEO To love and to cherish! JULIET For richer, for poorer! ROMEO In sickness and in health! BOTH 'Til death do us part! (They drink. LIGHTNING AND LOUD THUNDER. Very slow instrumental version of the first verse "Love Strikes" as lights dim to black.) ACT II Scene 8 (FLORENCE enters, freeing herself from the ropes. ROMEO and JULIET are holding hands, head to head, backs to audience, downstage center.) FLORENCE Pitiful sight! Here lies Romeo poisoned, and Juliet warm and newly dead. (screaming at restroom doors) Come thou Capulets, and Montagues, too. See what a tragedy your emnity has caused. Come forth, and look upon your deadly work! (CAPULETS and MONTAGUES appear from their doors, chastened. Lord and Lady Capulet, Lord and Lady Montague, Paris, and Molly Prop enter) LORD and LADY MONTAGUE My handsome son! My darling dead boy! LORD and LADY CAPULET My sweet daughter! My newly deceased child! PARIS It's so sad, so sad, so sad! This would never have happened if she'd married me! MOLLY PROP Oh, and it seems they were poisoned by people who loved them. It's so platonic!!! TYBALTA O, my sweet sister! Tell me she is sleeping. O, most piteous woe that I should live to see this day. MERCUTIA And Romeo, too? My noble friend, I meant no harm to come to you! FLORENCE I heard you both when bound I was and harm you meant for all! And all are punished! All are punished! Capulets, Montagues! See what a scourge is laid upon your hate, that heaven finds a means to kill your joys with love. And I for winking at your discords have lost a brace of kinsmen; all are punished! MERCUTIA O Sister Tybalta, give me thy hand! We have both lost more than we knew we had. Let us put away our hatred. TYBALTA (taking his hand, then embracing him) Even more, let us now be friends. My sister's death and Romeo's belongs to us both. Let us work our problems out as true and loving peacemakers. FLORENCE The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head. Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things. For never was a story of more woe, than this of Juliet and her Romeo! TYBALTA and MERCUTIA Is there nothing that we can do? FLORENCE (adopting the accent of a southern evangelical preacher and pointing at TYBALTA and MERCUTIA in condemnation) One of the causes of this tragedy was your inability to admit your mistakes. Are you ready to admit them now? TYBALTA I do believe in Shakespeare! I do believe in Shakespeare! (FLORENCE touches TYBALTA'S forehead witht he palm of her hand as TYBALTA falls backward in a trance and is caught by others) FLORENCE And how do you both now feel about violence? MERCUTIA I don't believe in violence! I don't believe in violence! (TYBALTA likewise pops MERCUTIA'S head and she is caught by others) FLORENCE And finally, do you all believe in miracles? ALL MONTAGUES AND CAPULETS We do believe in miracles! We do believe in miracles. FLORENCE (pointing and in a most demanding tone to ROMEO and JULIET) Arise quickly and be your former selves! (no movement) Arise quickly! (slight movement in the hands and feet of ROMEO and JULIET) Arise, I say! ALL (as ROMEO and JULIET both come back to life at the same time with lightning and thunder) Oooohhhhhh! ROMEO (waking quickly) I feel as though I have been saved from death! I feel so rejuvenated! What did you put into those drinks, Florence? FLORENCE I but gave you the borrowed likeness of shrunk death. Your foolish friends and kinsmen believed you poisoned and vow now to change their ways. JULIET That was wonderful! Not even a headache! I knew you could mix potions like an artist, but this elixir should be patented! It was the noblest potion of them all! (DANIEL stumbles into the pub, much besmudged and with ripped clothing and a large bandage on his head.) SUSAN (lightning and thunder again, as SUSAN runs to embrace him) Daniel! JULIET We thought you dead! DANIEL I've been lying in the ditch beside the parking lot. I heard a loud explosion and then my mind went blank. I do believe Tybalta's pickup truck is destroyed! JULIET But what about all the burnt flesh and blood we found all around the scene? DANIEL (almost crying) Alas! Alack! The poor old dog is dead! (Song #18 - reprise of "It's Not Too Late" -finale and curtain call song) ALL IT'S NOT TOO LATE - IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO SING A SONG IT'S NOT TOO LATE - IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO RIGHT A WRONG IT'S NOT TOO LATE - THE STARS ARE SHINING UP ABOVE IT'S NOT TOO LATE - IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO FALL IN LOVE (CHORUS) MY HEART GOES BIBBETY, BOBBETY, BIBBETY, BOBBETY, BIBBETY, BOBBETY, BIBBETY, BOBBETY, BOOM! INSTEAD OF SIGHING AND CRYING AND MOANING AND GROANING WE'RE THINKING OF MAYBE BECOMING A BRIDE AND GROOM! IT ISN'T OVER, TILL IT'S OVER IT AIN'T DONE, TILL IT'S DONE! IT'S NOT TOO LATE - IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO HAVE SOME FUN IT'S NOT TOO LATE - IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO FIND THE ONE IT'S NOT TOO LATE - THE FINAL BUZZER HASN'T RUNG IT'S NOT TOO LATE - THE CHUBBY LADY HASN'T SUNG! (REPEAT CHORUS) ROMEO AND JULIET IT'S NOT TOO LATE! IT'S NOT TOO LATE! IT'S NOT TOO LATE! ALL IT'S NOT TOO LATE! END OF SHOW. PROP LIST FOR NORTHWEST SIDE STORY ACT I Glasses, mugs Cardboard box for AK-47 Two Rat poison jugs in plain sight behind bar (one blue the other a gold-colored liquid) Masks for the party ACT II Three pipe bombs (3/4" iron pipes, capped, with red string on ends) Two black shawls One black suitcase One large (soft) mallet Small rolled scroll (Romeo's sonnet), tied with red bow Tiny vial (smelling salts) SOUND EFFECTS: Large dog snarling and barking Thunder Bomb blast LIGHTING EFFECT Lightning COSTUMES Tudor: MONTAGUES blue, CAPULETS in gold or yellow Florence needs two blouses, one black, one white, with "Verona Pub" on the back. Musicians should be in black and white Masks for all players (Act I, scene 3) Daniel will need an extra outfit, ripped and blackened, also a head bandage.