A ROOM WITH A VIEW by Dave Christner © David W. Christner 1994 DRAMATIS PERSONAE: MARY--The Holy Mother (more or less). JOSEPH--A carpenter, Mary's fiance. INKEEPER--Keeper of the inn. SCENE I SCENE: LIGHTS COME UP in the lobby of a seedy motel as MARY and JOSEPH enter dressed in motorcycle apparel. Mary is very pregnant; Joseph helps her to the couch, fussing over her continuously. Mary is irritable and feeling pain from her frequent contractions and fighting him every step of the way. When Joseph is finally satisfied that she is as comfortable as she can get, he goes to the counter and rings the bell. MARY: You're driving me crazy, Joseph. My water's broken already, and you're looking for--for what? The Garden of Eden already. What was so wrong with that last place? (He looks at her curiously) JOSEPH: A stable! He wants to put us up in a stable. In your condition, you have to asked what's wrong with a stable? MARY: A stable I should care about in my condition. I'm tired I'm telling you. I want to get horizontal, Joe. This vertical is killing me, bouncing along day after day on that Harley. It's no picnic I'm telling you. First to Philadelphia, then Pittsburgh, then York, now Bethlehem, the whole state of Pennsylvania in my condition. I won't forget this, Joe. Remember that. Not for a good long time will I forget what you're putting me through. JOSEPH: What are you gonna do? Withhold from me your favors? Like maybe I'd notice some difference. MARY: Don't start on me, Joe. I'm in no mood for it tonight. (JOSEPH bangs on the bell.) JOSEPH: When were you EVER in the mood for it? (A beat.) Where is he? MARY: It's late. He's sleeping. So, what was so wrong with the stable? I kinda liked it; it was warm, had a feeling of warmth about it. JOSEPH: What was wrong with the stable, you want to know? MARY: That's why I keep asking. You're so particular. JOSEPH: Well, how 'bout I don't want to see my kid born in some stable? That reason enough? MARY: How many times I gotta tell you? This isn't your kid! JOSEPH: Yeah, you keep saying that. MARY: So what's the matter, you don't believe me? JOSEPH: Oh no! I do believe you; I have ever reason to believe you. That's the problem. MARY: What are you saying? JOSEPH: Just that there are some parts of this story of yours that I still don't . . . how shall I put it? Fully comprehend. (JOSEPH bangs on the bell again and looks behind the counter.) JOSEPH: Where is he? MARY: It's late. He's sleeping. He'll be here. (A beat.) So, what parts do you not . . . "fully comprehend"? JOSEPH: Explain to me one more time about when--who was it again? MARY: The Arch Angel--Gabriel. He told me I could call him "Gabe." JOSEPH: Yeah, yeah, the Arch Angel. Explain to me again the part about this Arch Angel . . . filling you with--the spirit. I'm not real clear on that part. MARY (irritated): You don't trust me, Joe. That's what the problem is. JOSEPH: It's got nothing to do with trust! What's it's got to do with is . . . what's possible and what isn't. (MARY rolls on the couch in an attempt to get more comfortable. JOSEPH keeps banging away on the bell.) MARY: I was just reading this week that trust is at the very foundation of a meaningful relationship. JOSEPH (thinks, then): What's a . . . relationship? MARY: It's what we have here, Joseph. JOSEPH: I thought what we had here was the beginning of a marriage, less one very important component. MARY: Ah ha, just as I thought. That's what you're hoping for: A marriage in the ancient male dominated Hebrew tradition. Let me tell you, Buster, we're on to you. Enough with the male chauvinism! JOSEPH (confused): Male what? MARY: Chauvinism! JOSEPH: What in God's name have you been reading? (JOSEPH keeps banging away on the bell.) JOSEPH: Is this what they call service around here? MARY: I've been reading some rather radical essays I got from my women's group. JOSEPH: Women's group? Radical essays? MARY: You'd better get used to the idea. I have a feeling this son of ours is going to be something of a radical. JOSEPH: Son! Son? What's if this child is a girl? Aren't you even considering that possibility? MARY: Don't be ridiculous! I got the Word. I'm having a son. JOSEPH: Right, you were going to tell me about that. MARY: What's there to tell? The Angel of the Lord appears to me and says that I found favor with God. Can I help it? Open your eyes Joseph, I'm not so bad. JOSEPH: I never said there was anything wrong with you. MARY: So, anyway, this Angel says, I'm going to have a son, he says. And I say: "How can this be. I've never been with a man?" If you know what I mean? JOSEPH: Believe me, I know what you mean! MARY: I said it to the angel! JOSEPH: Okay! MARY: Boy, you are on some kind of an edge tonight. JOSEPH (Bangs the bell.): Go on. Tell me the rest of the story. MARY: So, the angel says not to worry, he says. He'll take care of everything, he says. JOSEPH (irritated): He? It was a male he person angel of the masculine gender?! MARY: I was using he in a generic sense, Josey, don't get excited. I couldn't actually tell what sex the angel was, if it was any sex at all, because it had on this long flowing robe. But it sounded like a he angel, 'cept for the wings, and it definitely sounded like a he--you know, real authoritarian. JOSEPH (anxiously): What else did he tell you? MARY: He says to me, The spirit of the Lord will enter me while I'm sleeping, he says. JOSEPH: Oh, fine! MARY: Don't get so excited. (A beat.) I didn't JOSEPH: I have a right to get excited. You're my wife to be and--and here you are having a child by--by-- MARY: The Grace of God. JOSEPH: Yes, well, that's one way to put it. MARY: It's a miracle, Josey. We've been blessed. JOSEPH: We? (A beat.) Okay, so, did this angel . . . touch you. MARY: Not with his hands. JOSEPH (explosively): Well, what did he touch you with then? MARY: He didn't touch me physically at all. There was no--laying on of the hands. JOSEPH: Then how can you be having a child? MARY: A son. JOSEPH: Whatever. MARY: We've been blessed, Josey. I keep telling you. JOSEPH: And I keep telling you that you're the one who's been blessed. I not so sure that I haven't had the wool pulled over my eyes. MARY: What do you mean, "Had the wool pulled over your eyes." What kinda expression is that for a carpenter? What does it mean? JOSEPH (Bangs the bell): I don't know what it meana! Dammit! Where is he? All I know is: You're having a child--son, excuse me--by some highly implausible means. MARY: So, you think I'm not a virgin. Is that what this is all about? JOSEPH: I didn't say that. MARY: Well, you certainly implied it. (A beat.) This isn't the first time this has happened, you know? JOSEPH: What?! MARY: Elisabeth. Same thing happened to my cousin Elisabeth. JOSEPH: Get outta here! MARY: Same thing exactly. Angel shows up. He says to her that God's giving her a son, he says. Even tells her what to name her son--John. JOSEPH: That's where that name came from? MARY: Same as me--an Immaculate Conception. JOSEPH: Two in the same family? You're putting me on. MARY: No, I'm putting you off until this is all over. You should know that as well as anybody. But it did happen to Elisabeth too, and she was thought to be barren. JOSEPH: Boy, that Arch Angel must be somekinda guy. Makes you wonder. But Elisabeth was no virgin! She's been married for years. MARY: Well, no, she wasn't, but she couldn't conceive. That was clear. Anyway why do you keep harping on this virgin thing? I never interrogated you on that subject. JOSEPH: Damn straight you didn't. MARY: So? JOSEPH: Don't you start on me, now. MARY: I'm starting already. JOSEPH: Well, quit! MARY: Too late! JOSEPH: Well, I'm not saying anything. MARY: Then don't be so concerned about my virginity if I don't have any right to know about yours. JOSEPH: Rights! Rights you're talking. You don't have any right to know about my past, what'd you call'em . . . relationships? (MARY just stares at him.) MARY: Then don't you concern yourself about mine either. JOSEPH (emphatically): Mary, I'm a guy.! It's not the same. MARY (mocking him): "It's not the same." Why not? JOSEPH (groping): Well, it's just not! MARY: Says who? JOSEPH (Thinks, then): God. God! That's who. The Big Guy in the Sky. Guys are ordained with certain inalienable rights. Mr. Thomas Jefferson is going to say so. MARY: Who is Thomas Jefferson? JOSEPH: I don't have the slightest idea. MARY: Well, aren't women going to have rights too? JOSEPH: Well, of course, they are, but not the same ones. MARY: Oh, I see, I guess our inalienable right are more along the lines of cooking and housekeeping, raising kids, administered to our husband's and father's and brother's needs. JOSEPH: Yeah, you got the idea. MARY: We'll I've had enough, Josey boy. I'm a person too. (JOSEPH bangs on the bell again.) JOSEPH: Where's the innkeeper. Christmas eve it is, and you can't even get a room! (We HEAR the INNKEEPER making an entry.) INNKEEPER: I'm coming. I'm coming already. Keep your hair shirt on. JOSEPH: Where have you been. I'm been banging this thing for days! INNKEEPER: It's late. I was sleeping. Now what do you want? JOSEPH: What do we want, you have to ask? It's late-- INNKEEPER: I know it's late. I was sleeping. MARY: A room. We need a room for the night. JOSEPH: Preferably a room with a view. INNKEEPER: A room you want. Preferably with a view . . . of what? What's to see. There's a desert out there. Sand and more sand, a few stars, maybe a camel, some sheep, a palm tree if you're lucky and more sand. Plenty of sand out there in the desert. JOSEPH: There's no desert; this is Pennsylvania. MARY: We've just watching the night sky. There's this star we've been following. INNKEEPER: This star I know; I read about it The Times. A bright one, foretelling of great things so say the wise men. But what do they know? They're not so wise as they think maybe. JOSEPH: It has a . . . special meaning to her. This star she knows about from a dream. So, about that room? INNKEEPER: The room, right. I got no rooms! JOSEPH: What you do mean, "I got no rooms?" This is an inn, right? That's what you're here for. The place is full of rooms. INNKEEPER: Your Hebrew, right. JOSEPH: Dyed in the wool Hebrew . . . MARY: Josey, there you go again. What's with all these references to sheep? JOSEPH (ignores her): Yes, I'm Hebrew. From the house of Jacob and Isaac and Amos and Andy. I'm hear to render unto Caesar that's which rightly belongs to me. But what'd you gonna do? INNKEEPER: Exactly! But you being Hebrew and all, I take it you can read plain Hebrew. JOSEPH: Of course I can read plain Hebrew! INNKEEPER: Then what did that sign out front mean to you--"No Vacancy?" JOSEPH: That sign's in English. INNKEEPER: It's the same in any language. What does, "No vacancy" mean to you? JOSEPH: That rooms are hard to come by. INNKEEPER: No! "No Vacancy," doesn't mean rooms are hard to come by. It's means there aren't any available. It's means there are no rooms in the inn. (JOSEPH takes out a roll of bills and starts counting.) JOSEPH: Sometimes it means you may be all booked up, but perhaps somebody with a reservation didn't show up. Maybe they won't be here until tomorrow. Maybe there's room in the inn after all. Maybe you could check your reservations, just to be certain. INNKEEPER: I suppose I could check. It would be highly irregular, you understand. JOSEPH: Look, I've got kind of a situation on my hands here. I need a room real bad--if you know what I mean. INNKEEPER: I'm getting the idea. I just don't know how bad. JOSEPH: About a sawbuck's worth of bad. INNKEEPER: That's a lot of money for way back whenever this is. JOSEPH: Tell me about it. (JOSEPH hand him a bill.) MARY: Ask him about cable, Josey. JOSEPH: You got cable? She's gotta have her cable. INNKEEPER: Of course, I've got cable--57 channels . . . and something on. MARY: And a midwife, Josey. Ask him about a midwife. INNKEEPER: What'd she say? JOSEPH: A midwife? Do you have a room with a midwife? INNKEEPER: Cable I got--27-inch color TV in every room, HBO, a pool, exercise room, Jacuzzi, a beautiful view of the desert if that's what you want, but no, Nooooo, that's not enough! You want a room with a midwife! Where's it gonna end? You people are never satisfied. MARY : It's not that. Tell'em the situation, Josey. JOSEPH: I can't tell him . . . the situation! For crying out loud. INNKEEPER: You want the room, right? Midwife or not? JOSEPH: Yeah, we want the room. INNKEEPER: Okay, it's just the two of you, right? JOSEPH: Right, just the two of us . . . more or less. INNKEEPER: Which is it . . . more or less. The rates vary. JOSEPH: It's just the two of us right now. But . . . (MARY cries out and grabs her abdomen.) INNKEEPER : What's going on here? Is she . . . ? JOSEPH (nods): That' why we need a room. MARY: Preferably with a midwife. JOSEPH: And a view. MARY: Forget the view, Joseph. Just get me a room! INNKEEPER: I don't know about this. I won't deny that we've had our share of conceptions here, but never a birth. JOSEPH: It's not what you think. INNKEEPER: How do you know what I think? JOSEPH: I mean, it's not what I think you think. INNKEEPER What is it then? What's the--"situation" then as the Mrs. put it? MARY: I'm not his Mrs. INNKEEPER: No? JOSEPH: Mary, will you just stay out of it! (A beat.) No, she's--my betrothed. INNKEEPER: I hope so. JOSEPH: It's . . . hard to explain. What we dealing with here is . . . an Immaculate Conception. INNKEEPER (doubtfully): Right. Says who? JOSEPH: Well . . . she does, for one. I don't know who else knows about it. MARY: The Angel of the Lord came to me in a dream. Gabe he's called. INNKEEPER: Right, Gabe, the Angel of the Lord. (To JOSEPH.) Look, Pal, it's not of my business, but . . . you bought that story? MARY : Same thing happened to my cousin, Elisabeth. INNKEEPER: Right. Your cousin. MARY: Elisabeth. INNKEEPER: Of course, Elisabeth. JOSEPH: Look, what we have here . . . are some real unique circumstance. Real unique. INNKEEPER (to JOSEPH): You're telling me that, you and . . . the betrothed there have never . . . you know? JOSEPH: Never laid a hand or anything else on her. INNKEEPER: And she's having this . . . child as a consequence of this . . . Gabe? JOSEPH: No, no, you don't understand. Gabe was just a messenger. God is the father. Isn't that right, Mary? MARY: Right. God is the father. INNKEEPER: Yeah, well that--a--makes all the difference. For a minute there I was thinking that what we had here was maybe an immaculate misconception. MARY (cries out): Josey, it's almost time! JOSEPH: The room! INNKEEPER: Right, the room. (Checks his reservations.) Just the two . . . or maybe three of you. MARY: And maybe a few guests . . . night visitors. JOSEPH and INNKEEPER: What? MARY: Some shepherds and wise men, maybe a king or two. It was all in the dream --shepherds and wise men, sheep, cattle and donkeys. INNKEEPER: Sheep and cattle you're gonna be having in your room? JOSEPH: She's doesn't know what she's saying. Mary will you knock it off with the sheep and donkeys. MARY: And the wise men will bring myrrh and frankincense. INNKEEPER: Drugs! Now she talking drugs. This isn't that kind of establishment. (MARY cries out.) MARY: It all came to me in the dream! JOSEPH: Look, she's just not herself. You know . . . her condition. I'll take full responsibility. INNKEEPER: All right, but at the first sign of trouble, I'm calling the cops. JOSEPH: There won't be in trouble. INNKEEPER (checks his book): Okay. Looks like room 13 is all I have available. JOSEPH: Thirteen is fine. We'll take it. MARY: Thirteen! Are you crazy, Joseph, we can't take 13. It's bad luck! JOSEPH: But, Mary, there are no other rooms in the inn. MARY: Take me back to the stable then. It wasn't so bad. There was a warmth about it, a nice glow. (Faintly we begin to HEAR the strains of the Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah.) JOSEPH: The stable! There's no cable in the stable! MARY: I don't care; I won't be able to watch cable in the stable anyway. Trust me on this one, Josey. I have this feeling. Everything's gonna be all right. JOSEPH: All right, Honey. I've trusted you up to now. And you haven't led me astray yet. . . have you? MARY: Of course not. Now give me a hand. Let's get outta here. He offers her his hand. Then JOSEPH and MARY exit into the starry night, holding onto one another. The Hallelujah Chorus builds to a crescendo as the LIGHTS COME DOWN SLOWLY, finally fading to black with the exception of a single bright star high above the center of the stage. CURTAIN Dave Christner 17 Bliss Road Newport, RI 02840 Phone (401) 849-3611 email: dwcpwright@awi.net