Copyright 1994 SAD LAUGHTER a play in two acts by Charles Deemer THE CAST: MOLIERE, the great French playwright ARMANDE, his young wife, an actress MADELEINE, his former mistress, an actress LA GRANGE, Moliere's friend and an actor, the narrator, who plays many roles THE SET: A unit set, for quick changes of place. THE TIME AND PLACE: Paris and elsewhere, 1658-1673 ___ Excerpts from Moliere's work in verse translations by Richard Wilbur. Used with permission. Adaptations from Moliere's work in prose by Charles Deemer. ___ ACTOR'S NOTE: Moliere has a slight stutter when he is upset. This is only occasionally noted in the text but the actor should be aware of this and use it to effect. ACT ONE prologue/ (A DARK STAGE: and we hear the voice of LA GRANGE in the darkness:) LA GRANGE (V.O.) In darkness is the proper place to start Our play, for darkness holds the human heart In profound mystery. Who can look Into the heart of man and find the hook On which to hang a life? --Naked, stark: A piece of meat called man. But the mark Of man is not so easily drawn. (And a SPOT comes up on LA GRANGE on stage, as narrator.) LA GRANGE --Moliere: Jean-Baptiste Poquelin, my friend: but where To start? He suffered, yes; so do we all. He laughed. He . . . laughed. I think he'd be appalled To hear me say he cried. I saw him once And, catching him, I saw him play the dunce He knew so well on stage. It was as if No pain, no grief, no agony or rift Was worth a tear except to shed on stage For all to see, in this way to assuage What, privately, he could not share. This man I loved, who taught me all I understand About the stage, I hardly knew. Begin In darkness, then: (And the LIGHTS begin a SLOW FADE:) what clarity we win Will rise between the darkness we see now And the certain night that gets us anyhow. (It is DARK.) LA GRANGE (V.O.) Begin in darkness: sixteen sixty-three: In Paris, two players rehearse a scene. 1/ at the theater (THE LIGHTS RISE ON ARMANDE AND MADELEINE, who are rehearsing the opening scene from "The Critique of the School for Wives." ARMANDE is six months pregnant.) MADELEINE "Cousin, has no one called on you?" ARMANDE "Not a soul." MADELEINE "Then we've both been alone all day -- which surprises me." ARMANDE "I'm surprised as well. Ordinarily all the court loafers would be dropping by your house." MADELEINE "I miss their absense; it's made the afternoon very long." (LA GRANGE quickly enters. He is visibly upset about something.) LA GRANGE Where's Jean? ARMANDE Isn't he at his desk? LA GRANGE He wasn't a moment ago. MADELEINE Is something the matter? LA GRANGE The Hotel players are starting to play dirty. MADELEINE I heard that they're preparing a play to answer "The Critique." ARMANDE Jean's already working on a reply to their reply. MADELEINE The box office will love it. LA GRANGE I'm not sure the King will. MADELEINE Of course he will -- why else would he call our rivalry a "war of comedy"? The Hotel de Bourgogne can write all the plays they want, Jean is going to get the last word. LA GRANGE On stage, he will -- but they're changing the rules and getting personal. Listen, when you see Jean, tell him I have to see him right away. (He quickly exits.) MADELEINE He's already working on a reply to their reply? ARMANDE He began as soon as he heard rumor of it. MADELEINE They'll regret the night they ridiculed "The School for Wives" on stage. You don't win that kind of a fight with Jean. ARMANDE He's been working like he's possessed. MADELEINE I'd like to learn the lines to this one before we begin another. From the beginning? . . . "Cousin, has no one called on you?" ARMANDE "Not a soul." MADELEINE "Then we've both been alone all day -- which surprises me." ARMANDE "I'm surprised as well. Ordinarily all the court loafers would be dropping by your house." MADELEINE "I miss their absence; it's made the afternoon very long." ARMANDE "I've found it short enough." MADELEINE "That's because you're clever enough to appreciate solitude." ARMANDE "That's kind of you to say -- but I don't think I'm clever at all." MADELEINE "At any rate, I always appreciate company." (MOLIERE suddenly enters: he wears an exaggerated costume of a pregnant woman, waddling in like a duck: pure slapstick.) MOLIERE Quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack! (ARMANDE can't help but laugh; MADELEINE, on the other hand, is not amused.) MOLIERE It's going to be an elephant! I'm carrying an elephant! Quack, quack! ARMANDE (laughing) Stop it! MOLIERE Oh, my feet are so sore! Oh my poor feet! (He plops down onto the floor.) MOLIERE But now how will I ever get up? (He struggles to get up but can't.) MADELEINE Since we can't rehearse, excuse me . . . (She leaves. MOLIERE is still struggling to get up.) ARMANDE You've upset Madeleine. MOLIERE (ignoring this) Get a horse and rope, will you? It's the only way I'll ever get up! ARMANDE It's not that hard, silly. MOLIERE Come help me! (ARMANDE goes to him to help but MOLIERE pulls her down onto the floor with him.) MOLIERE Quack, quack, quack! Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack! ARMANDE Jean, stop it . . .! (Playful wrestling on the floor. Then, suddenly:) MOLIERE Sshh! Oh my God . . . ARMANDE What is it? MOLIERE Hear it? Sshh . . .! (MOLIERE is trying to find the source of the sound he hears.) ARMANDE Jean . . .? MOLIERE Aha! (He finds what he's looking for. He puts his ear to Armande's belly.) MOLIERE He speaks! He's begging for an early release! (Speaking to her womb:) You have to do nine months like everyone else! No special favors, understand? (And he's playfully wrestling with Armande again, when LA GRANGE enters.) (LA GRANGE clears his throat, trying to get their attention. No luck. Finally:) LA GRANGE Jean? (Still no luck. He approaches the pair and taps Moliere on the shoulder.) MOLIERE (in response) Quack, quack, quack! LA GRANGE The King wants to see you immediately. MOLIERE Quack, quack--! LA GRANGE THE KING! MOLIERE The King? LA GRANGE Urgently. As soon as you can get there. Now! (Moliere gets up, leaving Armande on the floor, a completely different mood now.) MOLIERE What about? LA GRANGE I'll explain on the way. (They hurry off, leaving a bewildered Armande on the floor, as the LIGHTS FADE TO BLACKOUT.) 2/ at Court (LIGHTS up on LA GRANGE as narrator:) LA GRANGE Moliere was not a stranger to the Court: His father built the royal chairs, the sort Of honor passed father to son. But Jean Abandoned family honor and took none But his own advice. Would such a will Before the King be haughty -- or be still? (LA GRANGE puts on a crown to become the King, as MOLIERE enters.) LA GRANGE Moliere . . . MOLIERE (bowing) You wish to see me, my liege? LA GRANGE Yes. (A beat. The King is not sure how to begin.) LA GRANGE So how's the new play coming? MOLIERE We have our first read-through tonight. LA GRANGE So soon? What do you call it? MOLIERE "The Versailles Impromptu." LA GRANGE And its subject is the Bourgogne Players, of course. MOLIERE In a manner of speaking. LA GRANGE A manner of speaking, indeed! If you weren't so clever, Jean, and your father in Court, I'd think twice about letting you turn your wit loose on the Crown's own company. MOLIERE I merely reply to their own "wit," my liege. LA GRANGE They make fun of your plays because they are jealous. MOLIERE I don't see why. They do tragedy so much better than we do. The trifling success of "The School for Wives" did not threaten their own reputation. There was no need for them to ridicule my play on stage. LA GRANGE But how clever of you to respond with your own "Critique"! I found it very enjoyable. MOLIERE Thank you, my liege. (A beat.) MOLIERE Is that all, my liege? LA GRANGE No. How's your father? MOLIERE Busy. LA GRANGE Decorating the new palace is no small chore. But he finally accepts your acting? MOLIERE Better now than when I acted in the provinces. LA GRANGE You decorate Court life as much as he, in your way. MOLIERE Thank you, my liege. (A beat.) LA GRANGE And how's Armande? MOLIERE Very well. LA GRANGE When's the baby due? MOLIERE After the first of the year. LA GRANGE You must be very excited. MOLIERE Indeed, I am, my liege. LA GRANGE (beginning to get to it now) And you've been married for how long? MOLIERE Almost two years. LA GRANGE But Armande's been a member of your troupe considerably longer, hasn't she? Didn't her older sister have something to do with that? MOLIERE Madeleine began caring for Armande about ten years ago, as we were getting residency in Lyons. LA GRANGE Then you've known Armande since she was . . . MOLIERE Since she was ten, my liege. I think I know what you really want to ask: who am I to win the heart of a beautiful young woman twenty years my junior? I can only reply, a most fortunate man indeed. LA GRANGE Others wonder about that. MOLIERE I've heard the rumors about me, my liege. This is why you summoned me, I presume. The Players are saying that I am like Arnolphe in "The School for Wives," aren't they? Since I play the role, and wrote it myself, therefore it must be Jean-Baptiste Moliere himself on stage -- and since Arnolphe is a cuckold, so am I. Which means the child Armande carries is not my own. I know how they talk. LA GRANGE People say far worse, I'm afraid. MOLIERE What can be worse than to be cuckolded by a beautiful young wife? LA GRANGE Does the name Montfleury mean anything to you? MOLIERE A minor actor with the Players, I believe. LA GRANGE He also has connections with the Society of the Holy Sacrament. Those zealots are forever trying to tell the King how to run France. I received a letter from Montfleury in which he claims that years ago, when your company was wandering through the provinces, you were the lover of Madeleine Bejart. MOLIERE I don't deny that, my liege. Madeleine and I remain close friends or I wouldn't trust her as our business manager. LA GRANGE The letter goes on to say that she left the company for a spell. MOLIERE Yes. LA GRANGE Having a child and then rejoining the troupe later, with the child in tow. MOLIERE When Madeleine rejoined the company, it was with Armande, her younger sister. LA GRANGE Can you be sure Armande isn't her child? (MOLIERE is stunned and not sure how to reply.) LA GRANGE And yours. MOLIERE Mine, my liege? He's saying that I married my own . . .? That's a scandalous lie! LA GRANGE Would you like to see the letter? MOLIERE Of course! (The King gives him the letter, as:) LA GRANGE Don't think I believe the accusation for a minute. In fact, I've been waiting for the Society of the Holy Sacrament to come up with something as outrageous as this. I'm sorry the Crown's Players are implicated, of course. MOLIERE If they put such scandal on stage, my liege--! LA GRANGE They won't. I've already dismissed Montfleury from the company. I'm sure it's the Society's doing. The more outrageous the accusation, the better, in the eyes of those fanatics. MOLIERE I must deny these charges at once. LA GRANGE Not yet. I want to give them a little more rope. All the better to hang themselves. MOLIERE My liege, I'm accused of marrying my own daughter! You know how rumors spread . . . if Armande were to learn of this, in her condition . . . LA GRANGE You'd make their case if you complain too loudly. When the time comes, your best attack will be through your work. MOLIERE But my liege-- LA GRANGE Your work can be of great use to the Crown. For now, say nothing of this. I look forward to your new play. MOLIERE Very well, my liege. (He bows and starts away.) LA GRANGE Jean . . . MOLIERE My liege? LA GRANGE When can I see the next installment in the "war of comedy"? MOLIERE We'll be ready in a week, my liege. LA GRANGE Then don't look so glum. The Crown will not let these rumors go unchallenged. I'll tell the Players to ignore Montfleury and start matching their wits with your own. MOLIERE Thank you, my liege. (He bows and exits. LA GRANGE removes the crown and addresses the audience:) LA GRANGE Moliere obeyed the King and held his tongue Against this slander, even though it stung Worse than all before. But keeping still Was difficult for such a man of will. (BLACKOUT.) 3/ at the theater (LIGHTS UP on MADELEINE, who is working on the theater's books, when MOLIERE enters.) MOLIERE We have to talk. MADELEINE I was just about to look for you. I want to double ticket prices for the "Impromptu." MOLIERE But why? MADELEINE Because the public's willing to pay and we can use the income. The "war of comedy" won't last forever. We must take advantage of it while we can. MOLIERE You think it's about to end? MADELEINE They'll resign eventually. You're certainly going to have the last word. MOLIERE On stage, perhaps. MADELEINE On stage, where it counts. MOLIERE The salons, I think, draw more influence than the stage. MADELEINE And what do they say about you in the salons? MOLIERE You haven't heard? MADELEINE I don't pay attention to gossip. It goes in one ear and out the other. MOLIERE When the King beckoned me, just before we opened the play -- he wanted to know if I was Armande's father. MADELEINE My God, Jean-- . . . MOLIERE One of the Crown's bit players made the accusation. That when you left us, it was to have a child -- our child. And you returned with her, claiming Armande was your little sister. MADELEINE The King believes this? MOLIERE No. Neither do I. MADELEINE Thank God! MOLIERE The whole thing is amusing in a way. MADELEINE I'd call it vicious. MOLIERE When I'm called a cuckold, they suppose I'm not the father. Now they suppose I am! MADELEINE Of course, you're the father. Armande has no lovers. MOLIERE Armande's father, I mean. If I'm her father, and the baby's father -- a double father . . . MADELEINE It's groundless, vicious gossip. Thank God Armande hasn't gotten wind of it. MOLIERE The King won't let me deny it. MADELEINE You shouldn't stoop to their level by even acknowledging something so ridiculous. MOLIERE You didn't have a child, did you? MADELEINE Of course not! MOLIERE I wanted to hear it from you. MADELEINE The salons are gutters. MOLIERE And we're entertainers -- off stage as well as on, whether we want to be or not.. (LIGHTS FADE on Moliere and Madeleine as LA GRANGE as narrator comes forward:) LA GRANGE Montfleury's accusation did not rest But rather caused a flutter in the breast Of all the salon wits and courtly stout (The very ones that Moliere wrote about). How little time it takes gossip to find A home in vengeful hearts and tiny minds.