SCENT OF A BANANA by Adam Pava, Whittier College Box 8384, Whittier, CA 90608 (510) 828-6272 KURT -- Long haired, early twenties busboy. Ragged uniform. NIKKI -- Beautiful, young waitress. Cute little uniform. SELMA -- An old waitress, a granny. More conservative waitress uniform. PAUL -- Successful, mid-fifties businessman. Suit and tie. Suitcase. RANDOM CUSTOMER -- A random customer with one very important line. SCENE ONE [We are inside of a large walk-in refrigerator of a restaurant. Dry ice gives the illusion of cold fog. There is a large door at stage left, which NIKKI walks in from. She picks up a few items, and walks back to the door. She tries to open it, but it won't budge.] NIKKI Damn it! Not again. [She knocks on the door a number of times. There is no answer. She keeps knocking, and yells to the door:] NIKKI Who keeps leaving the refrigerator door locked?! [Pause.] Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck! [During her "fucks," she moves away from the door in anger, and the door opens. KURT walks in, making sure to close the door behind him quickly before NIKKI can say anything.] KURT I couldn't help but notice you call for a fuck. NIKKI Shut up, Kurt. You're such a dickhead. KURT Yeah. [Beat.] So how 'bout it? NIKKI How about what? KURT A fuck. NIKKI Shut up. You knew that door was locked, didn't you? KURT [Sarcastically] Oh no! That means we can't get back out there to do more work! NIKKI At least you could have let me out before you locked yourself in here. KURT Oh, but instead, I'm locked inside here with you -- get it? NIKKI Ugh. KURT You know that there's no one else I'd rather be locked in here with, sweetie. NIKKI Please. KURT Come on... just you... and me... [he grabs a jar] and salad dressing? NIKKI You're disgusting. KURT You're beautiful. NIKKI [Disgusted] How flattering. KURT Likewise. NIKKI Get it out of your head. It's never gonna happen, Kurt. KURT But here we are! The timing's so ideal... no one to interrupt... no one will ever know... NIKKI I'll scream. KURT They can't hear you. NIKKI You did. KURT No I didn't. NIKKI What? KURT I watched you walk in. NIKKI You mean you planned this. KURT Sometimes destiny needs a kick in the butt. NIKKI You need a kick in the butt. KURT If that's what turns you on. NIKKI Ugh. You're so revolting. KURT I bet you say that to all the guys. NIKKI Leave me alone! KURT No. NIKKI You don't scare me, Kurt. KURT I'm not trying to. I'm trying to seduce you. I thought I made myself clear. NIKKI Well, you're not very enticing. KURT Pure animalistic fucking doesn't entice you? NIKKI Always the smooth talker. KURT Well? NIKKI I don't even like you. KURT Who cares? That has nothing to do with it. NIKKI I'm not a whore. KURT And I'm not planning on paying you. Perfect! NIKKI Fuck you. KURT Exactly. NIKKI Ugh. [The door opens, and both KURT and NIKKI are too busy arguing to be close enough to hold it open. PAUL walks in.] NIKKI Hold the...! [The door shuts.] NIKKI ...door. [Beat.] KURT [to PAUL] Who the fuck are you? NIKKI [Aside to KURT] Shut up! (to PAUL] Hello, Mr. Schmidt. In for the monthly inspection? PAUL That's right. What are you two... NIKKI Actually, it's kind of a funny story. That door only opens from the outside, so we're... heh... KURT ...we were about to have wild, passionate sex. PAUL Excuse me? NIKKI He's kidding. What he means, sir, is that we wished you had held the door open. PAUL Why, are we stuck in here? NIKKI Unfortunately, yes. PAUL You sure? Let's take a look. [PAUL goes over to the door, inspects it, and pushes and pulls to no avail. He continues to fiddle with the door as he speaks.] KURT You're wasting your time. PAUL There's got to be a lever somewhere. KURT Well, obviously there isn't. PAUL This doesn't make sense. NIKKI It's happened before, sir. There's no way out until someone comes and opens it. PAUL But I have work to do. KURT [Sarcastically] How do you think we feel, sir? PAUL You think if we were to yell and pound on it, someone would hear us? NIKKI I don't think so. PAUL At least we can try. KURT Yeah. After that let's try to put a stop to world hunger by writing our congressman. PAUL What? NIKKI Nothing. Let's try it. [PAUL and NIKKI yell loudly and bang on the door. KURT imitates them, mocking their futile yelling and banging. PAUL sees him do this, but ignores it.] PAUL Well, I'm sure someone will open the door again soon. NIKKI I hope so. I'm off duty in fifteen minutes. I gotta go home and shower for tonight. KURT Big date? NIKKI No. KURT Who's the lucky guy? NIKKI Shut up. KURT No. NIKKI It's none of your business. KURT You know, I think it is. NIKKI Well, it's not. KURT I'll be the judge of that. NIKKI I'm not gonna tell you. KURT [Putting his hand on NIKKI's shoulder] C'mon, sweet-cakes... PAUL [Knocking KURT's hand off NIKKI] Why don't you just leave her alone? KURT [Shocked that he's being confronted.] Excuse me? PAUL She obviously doesn't want to tell you. So lay off. KURT Who the hell are you? NIKKI [Changing the subject.] You know, sir, it may be a blessing in disguise that we got trapped in here while you're on your inspection. I'm sure it breaks some sort of safety guidelines that you can report. PAUL No, I don't think so. Our top priority right now is with food standards for our customers. Something like this is of minor concern -- an inconvenience, but nothing important. KURT [Sarcastically] You're right. It's much more important to blindly follow orders than being concerned with the lives of employees. PAUL Excuse me? KURT What? Oh, did you want me to repeat that? 'Cause I was under the impression that it doesn't fucking matter what I think. I'm just a busboy. PAUL Look, pal. I don't know what your problem is, but I'd watch my mouth if I were you. KURT What are you, my dad? PAUL No, but if I were, I sure as hell wouldn't let you get away with your tone of voice. KURT Well, my tone of voice wasn't exactly an issue in my house. Pops was more concerned with raising the dough for mom's bail or a six-pack of Bud. PAUL Well, that explains a lot. KURT What, are you gonna psychoanalyze me now? PAUL No, it's just a well-known statistic that children who come from... KURT Well, shut up, all right? Like I don't got enough problems without you fuckin' crawling all over me. PAUL Look. I don't want to get in an argument. I'm just here to do my job, and you should just do yours. Okay? KURT You see, I would, but I can't help but notice that we're trapped in a fuckin' refrigerator. PAUL What do you take me for? KURT A moron. PAUL Listen, pal. I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. KURT Oh, I know. It was probably a turnip Mercedes. PAUL Very funny. [The door opens. SELMA walks in. With the door still partially open, KURT, PAUL, and NIKKI yell:] ALL Hold the door! SELMA What? [She closes the door.] ALL Fuck. SELMA Sorry. My hearing. Now what were you kids getting all excited about? NIKKI Nothing. The door. It's locked. SELMA Oh. PAUL So, you see, we can't open it. SELMA Oh. KURT Which means we're stuck in here. SELMA Oh. Oh my! That is a predicament! NIKKI Well, Selma -- at least tell us that they were starting to get worried about us out there? SELMA No... no, I guess I just figured you all'd gone home for the night. The new shift just came in about ten minutes ago, so I reckon that's what everybody thought. KURT Figures. PAUL What about me? SELMA I know I've seen you around, honey, but I don't have a clue who you are. PAUL Paul Schmidt, your regional supervisor. SELMA Selma West. Nice to meet you. [They shake hands.] PAUL Likewise, Mrs. West. SELMA Please, call me Selma. KURT [Sarcastically] Great. Now when we freeze to death, at least we'll die knowing that we've all been properly introduced. SELMA Sssshhhhhhhhhh! [A quiet pause. Everybody stares at SELMA waiting for her to speak.] SELMA [Nodding] Uh-huh. KURT What? SELMA I have to powder my nose. NIKKI You look fine, Selma. SELMA No, I mean... I have to powder my nose. [Fade out.] SCENE TWO [Fade in. NIKKI and KURT are sitting on crates, shivering. PAUL stands, arms crossed, also shivering. SELMA is doing very uncoordinated jumping jacks. Nobody is really listening to PAUL. They have apparently been there for a while.] PAUL ...So, you see, by diversifying your assets, you are able to have more control of your possessions, while at the same time leaving yourself less vulnerable to unexpected calamities. More control with less vulnerability -- that's the key to investment. Take for example my boat, which I was able to purchase because I refinanced the... NIKKI How you holding up, Selma? SELMA I think the jumping jacks are helping. KURT That's so weird. NIKKI Yeah, I wonder why that is. PAUL Probably because they take her mind off of it. The mind is able to do extraordinary things when it needs to. SELMA No, honey, it's something else. [She stops her jumping jacks.] Ever since I was a kid, I've had a fascination with bees. I used to dream about being a bee all the time. I think the thing that fascinated me was that each bee has its own special job, including me. Usually I was a scout, but sometimes I gathered pollen or guarded the eggs, or I got to be the queen bee. Always doing my job for the colony. You see? [There is a pause. They all stare with confused looks at SELMA.] KURT There's more to this story, right? SELMA What? Oh, the jumping jacks. Right. When I was a little girl, whenever I had the hiccups or had to use the ladies room, my mom always told me to think of my bees. Which I did, and it usually worked. But sometimes it didn't, and so she told me to do jumping jacks while thinking of my bees. And that always worked. PAUL I think maybe it worked because it took your mind off things. SELMA I'm an old lady, honey, let me believe whatever the hell I want to. KURT Honey? Yeah, you got any honey, bee woman? I'm starving. [SELMA ignores him and starts up her jumping jacks again.] NIKKI Hey. I have an idea. KURT Mmm? NIKKI Let's play twenty questions. KURT What? NIKKI Oh, come on -- just to pass the time. KURT I don't think so. I'm not really a twenty questions kind of guy. [Kurt starts sneaking up behind SELMA, who doesn't notice.] SELMA Well, I'm in, sugar. PAUL Hey, why not. NIKKI Good. You sure, Kurt? KURT [Behind SELMA, into her ear:] BBBBZZZZ! [SELMA jumps and stops her jumping jacks. KURT cracks up.] NIKKI I'll take that as a yes. SELMA All right, so how do you play? PAUL How do you play twenty questions? SELMA Yes. PAUL You ask a question. Then you ask nineteen more. KURT [Biting] Hey, the suit is funny! PAUL Well, at least I'm trying to make the best of a situation. It seems to be something that you don't understand. KURT Oh, right. I don't understand anything. I'm just a busboy. NIKKI Look, why don't we just play. KURT Okay. I got a question. Why the hell are we playing this stupid fuckin' game? PAUL I'll tell you why. We're playing this game because we're trapped in a refrigerator and there's nothing better to do. We're trying to have fun, despite our situation. We're trying to deal with our predicament in a positive, rational way. Maybe you don't understand, but try, okay? Because there's no use bringing the rest of us down with your resentment. SELMA And I'm havin' to pee really bad, so just go with it. KURT Fine. NIKKI Do you have a question? KURT Yeah. What did Big Paul want to do when he was a kid? NIKKI There. Good question. Mr. Schmidt? PAUL Well, that's a tough one. I guess I don't know. SELMA You don't know, honey? Everybody wanted to be something. PAUL Except me, I guess. In college, I was a business major. I worked here to pay for it. Busboy, like you. KURT You've got to be kidding. PAUL Nope. Worked my way up from there. KURT Can't see that happening today. PAUL Why's that? I was a hard worker. I took pride in my job. KURT If you're implying that I'm lazy, then big sur-fuckin'-prise, dumbass. SELMA Maybe he's implying that you could make something of yourself. KURT Like what, getting a twenty-cent raise for busting my ass for weeks before someone notices? I don't think so. PAUL I think you have a lot to learn. KURT About bussing tables? There's noth... PAUL About yourself. [Beat] KURT Fuck you. PAUL Why don't you watch your mouth for the ladies. KURT [To ladies sarcastically] Oh, I'm sorry if I offended your virgin ears, ladies. Where are my manners today? SELMA I think that if you'd lose some of your sarcasm, you could be a really nice young man. PAUL See? KURT Well, I don't give a shit about what a senile old lady thinks. SELMA [Obviously hurt.] Well, excuse me, sugar. KURT Oh, go cry into your granny diapers or something. SELMA Honey, if I used diapers, I would be in a hell of a lot better mood right now. NIKKI [To Kurt] You know, you're a real prick. KURT [Sarcastically] Oh, did I hurt your feelings, too? NIKKI No. But I'm sure if I gave you enough time, you would. You're so terrified of someone actually getting to know you that you have to hide behind your defenses. You'll only get so far in life on lousy sarcasm and a pessimistic attitude. KURT Fuck off. NIKKI Oh? Change your mind? SELMA What? NIKKI Nothing. Anyway. Twenty questions, remember? PAUL Okay. I have one. Selma, how'd you get interested in bees? SELMA Bananas. PAUL [After beat.] What? SELMA Bananas. When I was a little girl, I loved bananas. I'd go days without eating anything but bananas, and so you can imagine how I smelled. PAUL I don't follow. SELMA Okay. Do you know how killer bees kill people? It's not done by one bee, or one sting. When a killer bee is provoked, it'll sting you, but that won't hurt you. What it does, though, is leave a banana-like scent that the other bees can pick up. Then, because you're marked with this scent, another killer bee will come by and sting you, making your banana-like smell even more potent. This happens again and again, until eventually a whole killer bee swarm smells you, and attacks. That's when you get hundreds of stings, and die. And the bees don't even really know why they killed you. They just did what all the other bees were doing, what their instincts told them to do. See? PAUL Did they ever attack you? SELMA No. As soon as I found out about how they killed people, I grew paranoid and stopped eating bananas for good. To this day, I can't eat them. I remember the day my grandpa told me about it -- I dropped the banana I had in my hand and ran to the shower. PAUL Hmm. NIKKI Ohmigod -- showering! I need to get home. PAUL We all do. SELMA Honey, don't be mentioning running water, okay? NIKKI Sorry, Selma. SELMA Just some consideration, that's all I ask. NIKKI Gotcha. Next question? SELMA Okay. I got one. What would each of you be doing if you weren't stuck here? PAUL I'd probably be stuck in traffic. KURT I'd still be bussing tables. NIKKI [Looking at her watch] I'm supposed to be picked up in twenty minutes. KURT That's right -- the big date. NIKKI I told you, it's not a date. KURT Oh, showering to go out with the girls, huh? NIKKI No. KURT What then? NIKKI If I told you, would you shut up? KURT Sure. NIKKI I have an interview for a scholarship. For college. KURT Yeah, right. NIKKI I thought you were gonna shut up. KURT I lied. SELMA That wasn't very nice of you. KURT My, what big teeth you have, grandma. SELMA You want I should take them out and clamp them on your behind? KURT Oooh, bee woman's got the biting sarcasm. PAUL Son, if I were you, I'd calm down. KURT Well, let's all give thanks to God that you aren't me. Because first of all, I'd be way overdressed for my peon busboy duties; and secondly, you've got a rock so far up your ass that I wouldn't know how to get it out -- laxatives ain't my thing, and I don't know if I'd trust Nikki with the tweezers. NIKKI Ugh. PAUL Watch your step, boy, or you won't be working here for too much longer. SELMA Tweezers? KURT [Ignoring SELMA] And you know, that would just be about the worst thing that could happen to me. Getting out of this hellhole. PAUL Hey, it's what you make of it, son. KURT What you make of it? Easy for you to say, Mr. Sixty-Thousand- Dollar-Salary. PAUL I sincerely believe that. SELMA Tweezers? KURT [Still ignoring SELMA] You can sincerely believe in ALF, but I don't see him flying down from Melmac to save the fuckin' day, do you? PAUL Listen, you... KURT No! I don't have to put up with your shit! PAUL Technically, you're my employee -- so yes, you do have to put up with my shit! KURT Fuck you! I don't need you! I quit! [KURT runs to the door, bangs and kicks it a few times and falls to the floor holding his broken foot.] KURT Fuck! SELMA Oh! Tweezers! [beat] That's disgusting! [Fade out.] SCENE THREE [It is obvious that more time has passed. PAUL, SELMA and NIKKI lie asleep on the floor, holding themselves for warmth. KURT is sitting up, rocking back and forth for warmth, holding his bandaged foot and talking to himself. NIKKI slowly wakes up during his monologue. He doesn't see her.] KURT You know what's wrong with you? You're never fuckin' satisfied. Can't leave things be. Fucker. God damn rich bastard has whatever he wants. What do I got? Shit. That's what I got. Fuck that. I'm hungry. I need to eat. And there's all this food around. You know what I want? None of it. Fuckin' none. Stupid god damn hungry, and there's nothing in this place I want. What the fuck's wrong with me? They're all asleep, and I'm probably the most god damn tired out of all of 'em. And here I am. Awake as fuck. Talking to myself, stupid bastard. What's wrong with me? Just fall asleep on their fuckin' ground, in their fuckin' freezing fridge. [When NIKKI speaks, KURT is startled.] NIKKI If you're really freezing, you can huddle up with me. KURT What? NIKKI For body warmth. Don't worry, I'm not coming on to you. It'll warm me up, too. KURT Thanks. Really. [She sits up, and he scoots over to her. They huddle.] NIKKI Were you talking to yourself? KURT I guess so. NIKKI What were you saying? KURT Nothing. [A short pause.] NIKKI There's nothing wrong with you. KURT What? NIKKI I said that there's nothing wrong with you. KURT Thanks. But I don't think you understand. NIKKI I think I do. KURT No offense, but I'm pretty sure you don't, ok? NIKKI Fine. [Another short pause.] KURT You think Selma is a grandma? NIKKI Probably. KURT I bet she has a bunch of cats or dogs or something. NIKKI Probably. KURT She reminds me of my grandma. On my mom's side. I don't know why. She doesn't look like her or anything. Just the way she is. NIKKI I know what you mean. KURT No, I don't think... sorry. [Pause.] She had this one cat -- my grandma. I mean, she had a lot of fuckin' cats, but she had this one cat named Kit Cat. Stupidest fuckin' cat I ever saw. I remember being a little kid, going over there every Sunday night. And I'd go around petting all the cats. But Kit Kat was never around, because she refused to go inside like the rest of the cats. Even in the Winter, she wouldn't come in. But she was my favorite, so my grandma would go out there and try 'n find her for me. Sometimes she'd come, and sometimes she wouldn't, depending on whatever the fuck she was up to that day. But the thing I remember about Kit Kat was that on the nights I slept over, every morning I'd wake up real early to watch TV, and I'd see her all curled up outside the window in the blanket my grandma set out for her. And as soon as she saw me, she'd run off. And she used to eat the cat food in the middle of the night when nobody would see her, too. And that was that. Then, one year when I was 8, mom got sent to jail again, and dad was sick of me, so I went to stay with grandma and grandpa. And that was the routine every morning -- we'd meet for cartoons, I'd invite her in, but she'd always run off. Stupidest fuckin' cat. NIKKI Hmm. [As KURT is saying the following, he gets a little teary-eyed. At the same time, PAUL starts to wake up without KURT or NIKKI seeing him.] KURT No, there's more. After a few weeks, I thought I was bonding with Kit Kat, you know? We shared her little secret. But one morning she wasn't there. And I wasn't really worried, because she's Kit Kat, you know -- she's an individual, a rebel. But she wasn't there the next morning, and the food was still there from two days back. She never came back. Grandpa found her dead on the roof a month or so later. They said she stopped eating because a tape worm was eating her intestines or something. And I was the only one who knew the real reason -- too fuckin' proud for his own good. Or maybe it was both. Either way, everybody pretty much expected it. There were plenty of other cats, anyway. You know? NIKKI Yeah. [There is an awkward pause. After about 10 seconds, SELMA lets out a giant snore.] KURT She sounds more like a weedwacker than a bee. [They laugh a little. He dries off his tears. During the following conversation, PAUL wakes up and listens to them, without them knowing he's awake.] NIKKI I'm so scared. KURT About what? NIKKI About the interview. About the future. Everything. KURT You have everything. You have nothing to worry about. NIKKI That's just it -- everybody thinks I do, but I don't. If I don't get this scholarship, I might be stuck here forever, like... KURT Like me? NIKKI Don't say that. KURT It's true. NIKKI No it's not. All you need is motivation. KURT You sound like Paul. NIKKI You know what I mean. KURT Yeah. But I can't. I don't know what it is, but I can't let myself be pushed around by people like Paul. NIKKI Don't look at it like that. Look at it like you're part of the team. Like they need you just as much as you need them. KURT I don't need them. NIKKI Yes you do. For money. For respect. KURT But they don't respect me. NIKKI They don't respect you because of the way you treat them. KURT Why should I compromise to what they want? NIKKI Because it'll help you. Because it'll make you likable. KURT It's not like I want to be their friends. NIKKI You don't have to be their friends. You just have to be friendly. It sounds stupid, but if people like you, they'll do nice things for you. You think you're being oppressed by everyone around you, but really you're doing it to yourself. Can't you see that? [PAUL stands and walks over to them. When KURT sees him, he makes sure to dry off any remaining tears.] PAUL She's right. It's what I've been trying to explain all night. [Beat.] You know, I can see myself in you. I wish I had someone to set me straight when I was your age. KURT Don't you dare compare yourself to me. PAUL I was just like you. Always too busy trying to act cool instead of listening to what people told me. KURT I don't need a lecture. PAUL Shut up and listen to me for a minute! This is important. It took me years to understand what I'm about to tell you. Don't be stupid. KURT Fine. I'm listening. PAUL Thank you. If you want to get somewhere in life, take things in stride. Nothing matters. You're locked in a fridge? Who cares -- it's just a few hours of your life. Make it an adventure. You don't like how people run things? Don't insult them -- patronize them, make them your buddies. Eventually you'll be in charge, and then you can run things how you want to. You have to learn how to compromise a little in order for people to treat you how you want to be treated. If you're a jerk to everybody else, they're gonna be jerks to you. You're just shooting yourself in the foot. KURT [Beat, as we try to figure out KURT's reaction. He smiles slightly.] It's already broken. [They all laugh, except SELMA who's still asleep.] PAUL You understand, though? KURT Yeah. PAUL Good. Now, let's get down to business. [Beat.] You guys want to put Selma's hand in warm water to make her pee? [They laugh again, and are interrupted by a RANDOM CUSTOMER who walks in and holds the door open.] RANDOM CUSTOMER Oh, sorry, I was looking for the bathroom. ALL Hold the door! [Fade out.]