SHERLOCK HOLMES & THE FIRST ENGLISH GENTLEMAN BY DOUG WARWICK BASED ON THE CHARACTER "SHERLOCK HOLMES" BY SIR ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE Copyright (c) 2000 by Doug Warwick, all rights reserved. Contact the playwright before any public use or performance of this script. Introduction SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE FIRST ENGLISH GENTLEMAN is based on the stern facts, as Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard would say, but irony also plays its twisted hand. An accidental discovery in 1908 of a supposed "missing link" proved to be a piece of fiction and one of the greatest scientific hoaxes ever devised. After baffling the English scientific establishment for over forty years, the Piltdown Man "discovery" was promptly debunked by true-life scientific sleuth, K.P. Oakley in his now famous paper published in 1953. Using modern analytical science and methods that Sherlock Holmes himself would envy, Oakley demonstrated that the Piltdown Man had been manufactured by pairing together the cranium of a modern homo sapiens (approximately 620 years old) with a jaw from an orangutan from Borneo or Sumatra (approximately 500 years old). The perpetrator of the fraud has by now, taken the secret to their own grave. If Sherlock Holmes was not flesh and blood enough to have played a role in this singular affair, his creator certainly was. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, who wrote the celebrated Sherlock Holmes stories, had a keen interest in human skeletal morphology, so much so that he visited the Piltdown gravel pit in Sussex in those early years. At one point in his life, he lived a mere eight kilometres away. Some writers have accusingly pointed the finger at Doyle as the culprit, (John Winslow), while others have merely made a red herring out of the connection (including Douglas Elliot, Bootmakers of Toronto). Given the opportunity, Sherlock Holmes might well have reached the same conclusion as Dame Jean Conan Doyle, Doyles' daughter and surviving heir. He didn't do it. Perhaps stranger still is the coincidence that Rudyard Kipling, who lived in Sussex around that time and was a member of the Sussex Archaeological Society, published a short story in 1932, "Dayspring Mishandled", which dealt with the forgery (with an option on blackmail) of a newly discovered manuscript by Chaucer. To my mind Sherlock Holmes, was born of the conceptual soup cooked up by Charles Darwin and his theories of evolution, Sir Isaac Newton's method of hypothesis and inductive proof, turn of the century mathematicians who were developing probability theory, and Adam Smith's theory of market behaviour. Add to this more than a pinch of the social circumstances of the end of the Victorian era, and a dash of universal humour, for the flavour of the Holmes persona. I first came across the Sherlock Holmes mysteries in grade school. The supply teacher presenting the story, asked the class to guess how the crime had been committed. I took a stab at the question and deduced that the weapon used was a club with claws in it. In turn, I ask my audience to suffer the blows of this blunt instrument, my portrayal of the sleuth of Baker Street. 1st Synopsis There is a death. The question is not how, but when; not which hour, but which millennium. Sherlock Holmes must find the answer before Professor Moriarty turns back the hands of time and corrupts the British Museum. 2nd Synopsis Exhausted by the popularity of the Sherlock Holmes stories, Arthur Conan Doyle plots the demise of his famous character in The Final Problem. But if Holmes is the supreme master of logic we believe him to be, is he not capable of deducing that he himself is a fictional character? and one which will outlive A. Conan Doyle. This play resolves the question e learn the solution is one of having both Professor Moriarty and Holmes tumble over a cliff into the terrible chasm of the Reichenbach Falls. Later Sherlock Holmes was brought back to life by A. Conan Doyle, and after the author died, by a legion of writers, including the present author. This play is set just before The Final Problem and has Sherlock Holmes deduce that not only is he himself a fictional character but that he will himself become a subject of pastiche. The discovery by Sir Charles Adamson of fragments of prehistoric tools and a human skull buried together with an ape-like jaw near Piltdown Common suggests that the oldest inhabitant of England has been found. Undoubtedly, it is the "missing link" everyone has been waiting for. Buoyed by this discovery, Sir Charles becomes the heir apparent to the ailing Lord Beardsley, Director of the British Museum. The discoverer's young wife, Lady Adamson, meanwhile, has requested that Sherlock Holmes assist in the safeguarding of a 102 and « carat diamond to be displayed at the British Museum. But what attracts Holmes's attention is a seemingly trivial case - the disappearance of an old wooden chair from the home of a reformed thief. Accepting an invitation to a lecture by Sir Charles Adamson, Dr. Watson meets a dentist who is as much interested in Sir Charles' wife as he is in assisting the famous discoverer with his research. Theft, a murder, and the imprisonment of the great detective makes it clear that Sherlock Holmes' powers are on the wane, his addiction to cocaine taking its toll. Judging from these clues, I ask you to be the judge whether the game is up, or whether. "...the game's afoot"! List of Characters: (In Order Of Speaking/Appearance) 1. Alfie Trotwood............ Reformed Thief and singer, now employed at the B.M. 2. Sherlock Holmes........... The Sleuth of Baker Street 3. Dr. Conan Doyle........... Creator of Sherlock Holmes 4. Doctor Watson............. Medical Doctor and Holmes' Associate 5. Lady Stephanie Adamson.... Sir Charles Adamson's young wife 6. Mrs. Mansfield............ Shopkeeper in Whitechapel 7. Dr. Philip Longnecker..... Dentist, also employed at the B.M. 8. Sir Charles Adamson....... Principal Discoverer of the Piltdown Man 9. Professor Moriarty........ The Napoleon of Crime. Role Combinations 1. Sir Charles Adamson/Dr. Conan Doyle/Mr. Jaryriot (3 roles ) 2. Lady Adamson/Mrs. Mansfield/Creationist #1 (3 roles) 3. Dr. Philip Longnecker (1 role ) 4. Alfie Trotwood/Singer (1 role ) 5. Doctor Watson (1 roles) 6. Sherlock Holmes (1 role ) "Man still bears in his bodily frame the indelible stamp of his lowly origin." Charles Darwin The Descent of Man ACT ONE Scene 1 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Arthur Conan Doyle Scene 2 221B Baker Street, year - 1912. (day) Scene 3 Rag and Bone Shop in Whitechapel (before close) Scene 4 Prior to the Meeting of the Royal Society of Geologists, Burlington House, British Museum (Evening) Scene 5 End of the Meeting (as above), Burlington House - Intermission - ACT TWO Scene 1 Baker Street, one week after the Society meeting. (day) Scene 2 Rag and Bone Shop in Whitechapel (late afternoon) Scene 3 Private Chamber in the B.M. (early evening) Scene 4 London Prison Cell (day) Scene 5 Lower Region of the B. M. (day) Scene 6 221 B Baker Street (day) London circa 1912 - 1914. Escape Clause: Any similarity to persons living or dead is de facto fiction. [The lighting is very dim.] ACT ONE SCENE ONE (Pre-Show Music ---> Sherlock Holmes Death Music Cue -----> Sound effect Big Ben) [Darkness. Spotlight centre downstages slowly comes up] (Alfie Enters by casually making his way from the audience to centre downstage. With his hands on his hips and his back turned to the audience he inspects the place. As the intro to the song is played he turns and delivers the song.) Sherlock Holmes Song (Sung by Alfie) Out of the fog, there came, a man, a brilliant thinker and logician, The methods of his strange profession, fiction, fact romance, Address Two, Twenty One B Baker Street London. Go and see him at his lodgings, tell your story, tell your problems, To the man we all should know as Mr. Sherlock Holmes. His life is spent in one long effort to escape the commonplace, Therefore solving mysteries is his pleasure, This must be his fate. They say that there is not a crime in England Which he cannot solve, The Doctor wrote, he was beaten, By the woman, Irene Adler, that he loved but could not have her She who touched his heart. (Spoken) Ah yes, Irene Adler. To Sherlock Holmes, she was always "the" woman. The problem was A Scandal in Bohemia. After many other celebrated cases came The Final Problem . Conan Doyle was tired of his famous character by then. So what did he do? Threw him off the top of the Reichenbach Falls with Professor Moriarty. But it was Sherlock who came back to us.. (He takes out a jackknife and stabs it into the mantle ala Sherlock Holmes.) (Sung) Each of his theories must be made to suit the facts it is his trade, He has plainly trained himself to see what others overlook. Observation and the science of deduction, my Dear Watson Blackmail, murder, thieves, assassins, Bloodstains, scandal, crimes of passions, Who will solve them, why it must be Mr. Sherlock Holmes Deep in the centre of his web there sits the Napoleon of Crime, Amid his spies and agents plotting accidents of every kind, He met his match in Switzerland and at the bottom of the falls Moriarty planned disaster, he went down, the other faster, One came back to us, It must be Mr. Sherlock Holmes. In the whole of London, you will find no equal in deduction, Arthur Conan Doyle thus named him Mr. Sherlock Holmes. [Blackout] (Alfie Exits using one of the stage exits.) [Near total darkness - blueish unnatural light. Fog creeping around the floor.] (Sound Cue - Low Ominous Tone with bell tree chimes over top.) (Holmes Enters. Conan Doyle is in the wings ready to speak offstage. Holmes wears his traditional Inverness coat Deerstalker cap. He lights up his pipe. A tennis ball from an unknown source bounces into the Baker street set. Holmes catches it and quickly looks it over.) HOLMES. (Extreme upstage left and in total darkness). Pray take a seat, Dr. Conan Doyle. And how is your wife, Louisa? I can see the state of her health has been troubling you. DR.CONAN DOYLE. (Offstage voice) She's not at all well, Sherlock. I've been thinking of taking her to a spa in Switzerland. HOLMES. Switzerland. Excellent idea. DR.CONAN DOYLE. When my father passed away, I made up my mind to devote more time to her, while I still have the chance. Sherlock, have you ever wondered about the afterlife? HOLMES. There is no data to examine. I take it you've not come to demand my assistance in solving one of your little mysteries. DR.CONAN DOYLE. I've come to a decision. HOLMES. What are you proposing? DR.CONAN DOYLE. I'm abandoning you. HOLMES. Has your publisher been informed? DR.CONAN DOYLE. Not yet. I've discussed it with Louisa. HOLMES. And your mother? DR.CONAN DOYLE. She would like to see you live forever. HOLMES. Your mother is a very wise woman.The public's appetite for my adventures is bottomless. DR.CONAN DOYLE. I doubt I will regret the decision. You are but a lower stratum of my literary achievement. HOLMES. Forgive me, Dr. Conan Doyle, but have you considered what will happen to me after you have passed away? DR.CONAN DOYLE. (Silence.) HOLMES. Then let me answer. It has been some time since I first deduced that I exist merely as a character from your lively imagination. I have followed your stories as I would a set of footprints, sometimes clearly defined, sometimes, obscure. And now I observe that these footprints vanish into thin air, as if falling off over a cliff. You have run out of literary steam. DR.CONAN DOYLE. I wish you dead! HOLMES. Other writers will imitate your handiwork. A pipe, a cap, a cape, perhaps a violin and magnifying glass. The fools will think I am easily done. DR.CONAN DOYLE. You forgot about your associate, Dr. Watson. HOLMES. Perhaps it is you who has forgotten him. My fall will fairly make an end to Watson. DR.CONAN DOYLE. When did you begin to suspect these things? HOLMES. From the first. It is against the laws of nature for a character to speak directly to his creator. DR.CONAN DOYLE. ....Wait a minute. Then what does that make me? HOLMES. The creator of one of the most famous names in the English language. DR.CONAN DOYLE. I've grown weary of that name. HOLMES. Unlike the public. Can you not see them, Dr. Conan Doyle? Droves of imitators, hacking away at improbable dialogue and impossible plots attempting to recreate, "Sherlock Holmes". DR.CONAN DOYLE. They can marry you off or murder you off as long as I receive my fee. You were a solution to my financial difficulties once, but I've no further use for you now. The curtain has fallen. I bid you good day, sir. We shall never more meet. No need to show me the way out. I'm perfectly familiar with it. HOLMES. Watch the thirteenth step, sir. Mrs. Hudson's cat has found a new place to sleep. I wouldn't want you to break your neck on the stairs, just yet. (Tosses the tennis ball over the walls of the set.) (Sound effect - someone stumbling going down the exit stairs in the background.) HOLMES. (To himself.) Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. And if I quoted one hundred more lines of Shakespeare I could not become Shakespeare, merely an imitator. A demonstration, before the mob attempts it. I will devise one of these "Sherlock Holmes" stories. Perhaps when Dr. Conan Doyle sees my counterfeit attempt, he will regain his senses and come out of "retirement". He must give me life and shape again, in his own hand, if only for a moment, if only to give me a proper burial. I shall need a title for my little yarn. (Sound Cue - Low ominous Tone with bell tree chimes over top) (Holmes' violin and pipe are lifted off the mantle into the air by an unseen force. They disappear overhead as Holmes watches.) I feel ill. The dosage was correct. The effects are known to me. My judgement is not at fault, therefore, the cause rests with ....the supply. Contaminated! A serpent's venom's has poisoned my veins. What went through that doorway? A large hairy beast with the footprints of a man. The walls at the zoo have tumbled down. On my bed, a slithering creature. Another black shape crawling up my arm. A man with a dagger, bricks flying through the air. A man points a revolver at point blank range. My limbs are paralysed. Cold water rushing around me. Oysters are crawling out of the sea, marching over the shore, out of the sea! (Shouts) Watson! Wat----son! (Sound Effect - Running Water) (Exit Holmes in darkness) SCENE TWO (Scene: Baker Street sitting room - home of Sherlock Holmes. There are three comfortable chairs (one could be a settee), a low table to put tea on, and an end table beside Holmes' chair. At the rear, a fireplace with an assortment of implements. Above the fireplace, a mantle with various curious objects on it including Holmes's pipe, an ancient canine tooth from an anthropoid, a book which has been hollowed and contains a live tarantula. The room has a bookcase. A small table against the wall has a tray with glasses and brandy. A bowl of fruit is upon the table. One of the two doors of the set leads to the seventeen steps of the stairway that carries Holmes' clients to his sitting room. The other door leads to an interior room (eg. bedroom). The door leading to the hallway (stage right) opens upstage into the sitting room. The two doors can be combined into one with a hallway. There is a mirror mounted on the wall near the front entrance (which Holmes looks into as he enters) and also on the wall behind Holmes' chair (Alfie Trotwood is able to see the thread on the back of Holmes' chair in the mirror). A tree rack for coats and a small bench is also near the front door. A few umbrellas are in a wicker container and a copper walking cane is lying on the floor half hidden. There is a violin case resting on top of the table. A small table and lamp are also in the room. The window is the apron of the stage.) [Lights come up.] (Several knocks on the door. Watson enters) WATSON. Just a minute. (Several more knocks on the door. Just a minute I say. Impatient fellow. (He answers the door) (Sherlock Holmes Enters in disguise with a small wrapped framed painting under his arm.) HOLMES. (In disguise, speaks to Watson) Mr. Sherlock Holmes I presume. WATSON. No, I'm Dr. Watson. Mr. Holmes is not yet in. Could I be of any assistance? HOLMES. So these are digs are they? (Looks into the mirror and adjusts hat). It was the great detective himself I wanted to see. I've often thought that with my age and experience, I could do as well in the science of deduction. WATSON. A total stranger could walk through that door and in the blink of an eye, Sherlock Holmes would draw a detailed portrait. He would say, "from the dirt on your boots, I infer that you've had, several run-ins with Scotland Yard." HOLMES. Well I never... WATSON. (Takes a pipe from the mantle.) "From your dirty fingers I observe that you trust your own methods, and not those of the established order. HOLMES. Anything else then... WATSON. "The colour of your fingernails indicates that you smoke a pipe." HOLMES. (Takes the pipe from Watson and puts it in his mouth, revealing himself as Sherlock Holmes.) Exactly so, Watson. WATSON. Holmes! That wretched disguise... HOLMES. (Gives the pipe back to Watson and continues removing his disguise.) Perhaps it's time to retire all my pipes to the dustbin. WATSON. What? HOLMES. Watson, you must not conclude I smoke a pipe in order to work out my deductions. I should make a gift of all my pipes to you. Then would we learn the true power of the thing. WATSON. But I don't smoke. I thought you were still in Paris working on a case. HOLMES. That case has not been wholly satisfactory. A scheme of substitution is making the rounds of the Museums of Europe. It now seems there are frauds in the Louvre. I placed one there myself, in the Italian Masters Gallery. It was stolen from the room last week. WATSON. The thief mistook your fake for the real thing. Good work, Holmes. Where is the original masterpiece now? HOLMES. Safely stored in the vaults. The Louvre gave me that canvas as a token of their gratitude. Would you kindly hang it up for me, old man? (Gives the painting to Watson to hang up.) WATSON. My word! Don't tell me it's an original Rembrandt. (Watson unwraps it and finds a place on the wall to hang it.) HOLMES. (Laughs) Alas not. (Presenting it to Watson in a grand fashion.) I present to you the work of the obscure French forger, Jacques Blase. (Steps back and notices the cane which was left in the room by the visitor.) Watson, a short while ago you received a visitor. WATSON. Yes. Short little fellow with his arm in a sling. Quite a temper. Said he was going to throttle those young boys outside. (Takes a tennis ball out of his pocket and gives it to Holmes.) (Holmes takes a brief look at it then Exits through the outside door to pick up a dead mouse.) WATSON. One of the ruffians very nearly cracked our window pane throwing that ball. I ran out to see if Wiggins or another one of your Baker Street Irregulars was responsible. (Holmes Enters with a mouse dangling from his fingers.) WATSON. I say, Holmes, really! (Sound Effect - Low ominous Tone with bell tree chimes over top.) HOLMES. Watson turn the lights down. Be quick about it. (Watson turns down the lights and remains near the light switch.) [Lights go down low enough so that the strings attached to the snake are invisible] HOLMES. Remain where you are. (Taking the mouse, he drags it along the floor starting from the open end of the cane and finishing at a box at the far end. He puts the mouse in the box then takes up a position behind the cane near Watson. A snake slowly comes out of the bottom of the cane, slithers towards the box, pauses in front, moves side to side, then goes inside the box, comes out, and goes back inside. Holmes takes up the cane and creeping behind it, uses the cane to close the lid of the box. He does up the latch and removes the box from the room.) [lights come up to normal] WATSON. Good God! HOLMES. Ten milligrams of its venom is considered a lethal dose. WATSON. What the devil is that thing? HOLMES. The miniature mamba which disappeared from the London Zoo Monday last. WATSON. For heaven's sake, who's done this? HOLMES. As yet I do not know. WATSON. Your list of enemies is not a short one, Holmes. HOLMES. And growing longer, Watson. We must take precautions against the invisible, but foreseeable. WATSON. But how could you've known that there was a reptile hidden in that cane? HOLMES. A man may forget his scarf, his gloves, his hat, but seldom his cane. (Holmes takes the stopper from his pocket.) Evidently he removed this from the bottom of the cane whilst you left the room to chase the boys away. The adult miniature mamba is of exactly the full length of the cane. (Removes the handle from the cane and looks into the hollow space, then puts the handle back on.) Nocturnal by nature it favours low light in which to kill its prey. Thus, I asked you to turn down the illumination in order to lure the serpent from its lair. WATSON. I can see the picture now. It is quite plain. Almost, rudimentary. HOLMES. (Holmes walks over to the violin resting on the table and points to it with the cane.) Elementary....... My dear, Watson, what is my violin doing there? WATSON. (Going over to it.) What do you mean? That's exactly where you left it before you set out for Paris. HOLMES. (Cautiously opening the case, scraping a few notes out it then putting it down in disgust.) Take it away. Take it away I say! WATSON. I never minded your playing that much. HOLMES. The violin will never pluck out the heart of my mystery. I should give it to you and we will see what music comes of it. WATSON. But I don't play the violin. HOLMES. And I am not so easily played upon. There is nothing so fine as silence. (Watson is about to speak but Holmes motions to Watson to stop as he turns his head to listen to someone coming up the stairs to his sitting room.) A lady's footsteps upon the staircase. Our client is punctual. (Enter Lady Stephanie Adamson.) LADY ADAMSON. Mr. Sherlock Holmes. HOLMES. (Bowing her to a chair) The midday sun has disappeared as suddenly as it has come, Lady Adamson. Pray draw up to the fire and I shall order you a cup of hot coffee. LADY ADAMSON. The fire will do nicely, but no coffee thank you, Mr. Holmes. My uncle, Lord Beardsley, suggested that I might pay you a visit. (They all sit.) HOLMES. Ah, the esteemed Director of the British Museum. What may I do for you, Lady Adamson? LADY ADAMSON. Mr. Holmes, as you know, we are bringing the "Star of Delhi" to the British Museum. As convenor of the Society of Friends of the Museum, it has fallen upon me to oversee the security of the "Star of Delhi" during the Grand Ball. I would feel much more at ease if you were there to assist us. Besides, I've always been very anxious to meet with you. HOLMES. Your compliments are most appreciated, but I shouldn't worry. London police are very capable. LADY ADAMSON. Yes, but one must take all the precautions at one's disposal. That's why I want you to put your hand to it. Discreet and professional. HOLMES. Tell me Lady Adamson, have any particular threats come to the attention of the British Museum? LADY ADAMSON. None so far, but I'm afraid that the "Star of Delhi" has had a rather turbulent history. Is that not so, Dr. Watson? WATSON. I heard all about it when my regiment was stationed in India. If ever a precious stone dripped blood, it is the "Star of Delhi". LADY ADAMSON. Then its settled. My secretary will give you full details. I think it absolutely essential that you personally be on hand on the night the stone arrives in London. May I count on your assistance, Mr. Holmes? HOLMES. I would be most pleased. LADY ADAMSON. Unfortunately, I must be absent. My husband is giving a very important lecture for the Royal Society of Geologists. HOLMES. Ah. The discovery of a prehistoric man in Sussex. The "Plateau Man". LADY ADAMSON. You follow the meanderings of my husband's work, Mr. Holmes.. HOLMES. I make it my business to know such things. Lady Adamson, might I make a small request? Could it be arranged for Watson to attend the lecture? The good doctor is very keen on ancient human skeletal morphology. WATSON. (Reaction.) LADY ADAMSON. (Reaction.) What a splendid suggestion, Mr. Holmes. Of course you shall see the exhibits, Dr. Watson. Perhaps before my husband's lecture begins. HOLMES. Excellent opportunity, Watson. WATSON. I'd be delighted, Lady Adamson. LADY ADAMSON. Mr. Holmes, there is one particular point about the "Star of Delhi" which I think it essential for you to know. An exact duplicate of the jewel has been made from glass. The "Star of Delhi" itself will never actually be shown during the formal presentation at the Grand Ball. It will be shown privately. (Takes a key out of her purse and gives it to Holmes.) HOLMES. The key to the room which holds the Star of Delhi. LADY ADAMSON. (Nods her head.) HOLMES. (Examines the key) Unless I am mistaken, this is the fourth key. LADY ADAMSON. Yes. Any two of the four will open the room. You have but to name your fee, and it will be taken care of. Please call my secretary for anything you might require and of course feel free to call upon me at any time. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to become a close personal friend. HOLMES. It will be an honour to serve your Ladyship and the British Museum. (They stand up ready to go.) LADY ADAMSON. I feel relieved already. Once the Grand Ball is over with, I should like to show you the stone myself. That would give me the greatest satisfaction. HOLMES. Looking forward to the occasion, Lady Adamson. LADY ADAMSON. Until then. Dr. Watson. WATSON. Lady Adamson. (Lady Adamson Exits) WATSON. Ah...what a charming woman, Holmes. Nice turn of ankle (makes a gesture of unlocking a door with a key.) HOLMES. Hmmm. (Looking at the Who's Who.) Watson, listen to the entry for Sir Charles Adamson. "Discoverer of the prehistoric Plateau Man found in Sussex. Member of the Royal Society of Geologists. Family has deep ties to the British Museum. Collector of gems." WATSON. The diamond is valued at one hundred and two and a half carats. HOLMES. Found near a farm. WATSON. The Star of Delhi? HOLMES. The Plateau Man. Sir Charles found a tremendous ape-like jaw bone and fragments of a skull. A crown jewel. WATSON. The forehead. Thieves plucked the diamond from the forehead of an idol which resided in a sacred temple in India, so the legend goes. HOLMES. The "missing link". WATSON. Oh it was found alright. Passed through the hands of various murderous princes. Incredible to think it's making its way to .... HOLMES/WATSON. (Together) The British Museum. WATSON. Holmes, why on earth did you let on that I was interested in old prehistoric bones? HOLMES. The Plateau Man (takes the tennis ball out of his pocket, examines it again, and bounces it strategically.) WATSON. Whatever his name is. I'd much prefer an invitation to the Grand Ball. HOLMES. You must forgive me, Watson, but I have need of an experienced observer. WATSON. To attend the Grand ball? HOLMES. To attend the lecture. WATSON. Who is the "seasoned observer?" HOLMES. Yourself, Watson. WATSON. Oh. I shall be glad to be of assistance. But what's this all about? HOLMES. Despite the fact that the Plateau Man has been lying in a shallow grave, and the old Museum professors very near their own, the lecture is certainly to be a very lively affair. WATSON. I wonder how Lady Adamson gets along with it all. Sir Charles is almost as old as her own father, had he lived. It's an odd match. I'm glad she called upon your assistance. You know I worry about you when your mind is not on a case. (There is a funny knock at the door. ) HOLMES. You need not concern yourself, Watson. One has just arrived. (Holmes indicates for Watson to answer the door.) WATSON. (Answers the door.) (Alfie Enters.) HOLMES. (Tosses the tennis ball to Alfie.) ALFIE. (Catching the tennis ball, looks at it, then not knowing what to do with it tosses it to Watson.) HOLMES. Mr. Trotwood. Still fleet of finger. ALFIE. Sorry to be a bother, Mr. Holmes. HOLMES. To you I must attribute much of my knowledge of the art of opening locked windows. Try the settee if you wish. (Alfie declines the settee and takes the wooden chair. Holmes bows him to this seat.) I see that you have just come from Whitechapel, from the district of the rag-and-bone merchants. ALFIE. Cor. Wish you'd teach me that trick one day. HOLMES. It is no trick, Alfie. I observed that the soil on the edge of your shoes is of a reddish colour. The road in front of the shops there is being mended. The soil underneath it is of an exceptional reddish colour. How may I be of service to you today. ALFIE. Blimey. Mr. Holmes. Me favourite chair. Gone! Vanished! HOLMES. (Pause) I take it the chair had legs. ALFIE. Three legs, right before its departure. HOLMES. How then did you acquire this piece of furniture? ALFIE. I was doing an odd job down at a Whitechapel shop a few years back. It was for the lady I just visited, Mrs. Mansfield. Totty Jimmy, her husband, had just died (indicates he's a drinker). One of the rag-and-bone men he was, just like you say. Used to dig up a few pieces of inventory, straight out of graves. HOLMES. There is no shortage of the dead in England. Pray continue. ALFIE. Mrs. Mansfield had fallen on hard times since the death of her husband. Had to sell off some of her own sticks of furniture. "Make my chairs look ancient, Alfie" she says, "like they have a bit of history to them". Well, Mr. Holmes, they sold so well she made a regular habit of it. Painting shabby chairs and pawning them off to the punters. That was until one old gent came into her shop. Biggest nose I'd ever seen on a man. He came right out and asked Mrs. Mansfield how she did it, I mean trying to make them look old like that. I was ready to go down into the cellar and show him the paint tin, when I started to get a pain in me leg. WATSON. Excuse me, Mr. Trotwood, but have you had pains in your legs before? ALFIE. No. Mrs. Mansfield kicked me in the shin. But I do get a pain in me shoulder from time to time, right about here. You know Mr. Holmes, the old gentleman became a regular customer after that. He knew a lot about rocks and fossils. She called him, "the professor". HOLMES. And eventually, the chair came into your possession. ALFIE. It did, as payment for all me hard work. But before I took it home to show to the Mrs., I built a secret little compartment in the bottom of the chair. HOLMES. A reservoir for liquid assets.. ALFIE. That's right. I had ten quid hidden in the seat to bet on number two, "Trip and Tremble"! She was ten to one. Lost me chair, me capital, and me winnings. HOLMES. (Chuckles.) One last point, Alfie. Did the gentleman eventually learn the name of the paint used on the chair? ALFIE. I don't know about that. But I do remember the name alright. (Pretends as if he's holding up a can of paint and reading the label.) "Vandyke brown". HOLMES. You have indeed done me a courtesy, Alfie. ALFIE. Have I now, Mr. Holmes? HOLMES. Your case is most singular. ALFIE. But it's you who's been good to me. You know I've had a rough life. Got no education to speak of. I might of had the habits of a criminal in former times, but never the mind of one. You saved me neck. Dr. Watson, that man sitting there got me out of the muck and got me a proper job. What do you think I do for me present living? WATSON. (Nose up in the air) Tower of London, guarding the Crown Jewels. ALFIE/HOLMES. The British Museum. ALFIE. I've come to learn all about the Egyptians from the exhibits. WATSON. Have you now Mr. Trotwood? You don't mind a bit of advice do you? ALFIE. Go on then. WATSON. ....Stay away from the exacter with "Toss and Tumble" in the third race. ALFIE. I'll remember that. (Stands up) HOLMES. (They stand up ready to see Alfie to the door.) Ah, that reminds me, Alfie. A demonstration for Dr. Watson if you can spare us the time. Look out into the hallway if you would. Do not turn around. I have forgotten the colour of Dr. Watson's shoes. ALFIE. Oh. Let me refresh your memory, Mr. Holmes. The shoes are ____________. HOLMES. Admirable. Now could you tell me the colour of the thread hanging from the back of Dr. Watson's chair. ALFIE. Oh yes, I saw it in the mirror. The thread is ____________. WATSON. By Jove that's fantastic, Mr. Trotwood. ALFIE. That's one thing I'm very good at, Dr. Watson. Be ever so grateful for your help in finding me favourite chair, Mr. Holmes. You've got a kind heart. The Lord will remember you for it. (Alfie Exits) WATSON. How does he do it, Holmes? HOLMES. Do what, Watson? WATSON. Open locked windows? HOLMES. He waits until they are opened for him. WATSON. Oh course. HOLMES. These are deep waters, Watson. WATSON. What? The case of "the missing three legged chair?" I don't see how anyone could make a story out of that one. HOLMES. (Thinking.) WATSON. The Star of Delhi should keep you busy if you ask me. HOLMES. Watson, what do say to a little trip to Bloomsbury? WATSON. To the British Museum? HOLMES. The braincase of the enormous mind of London. A few hours of study should suffice to give you an introduction to the Plateau Man discovery made by Sir Charles. WATSON. (Watson goes to the mantle and picks up Holmes's fossil canine.) Well here's a start. Remember when you first showed me this fossil tooth from an anthropoid? Imagine a scene with all England left behind. What were we then? Hairy, half crawling, half walking and near starving. You joked that this was a replacement for your left tooth, the one Mathews knocked out of your jaw in the waiting room at Charing Cross (fakes a punch and returns the canine back the mantle, turning his back to it.) HOLMES. (Holmes twitches as if receiving the blow. Keeping his mouth closed, he feels the spot with his tongue.) I have since gained some knowledge of the Japanese system of wrestling, Baritsu. It teaches one how to fall, and how to avoid a fall. (Sound Effect - Low ominous Tone with bell tree chimes over top.) (A hairy tarantula slowly pokes out of the book. See production notes.) WATSON. (Reaction.) HOLMES. (Holmes pulls the jackknife out of the mantle and frightens it back into its hiding place in the book. After stabbing it, he dangles it from his knife and tosses it into the fireplace. Stabs the knife back into the mantle.) WATSON. (Watson collapses into his chair.)! HOLMES. Watson, you've had a shock! WATSON. (Holds his head.) HOLMES. (Gets Watson a brandy) You must excuse this momentary eclipse of my own faculties. (Holmes goes over to the book which contains the spider.) WATSON. But where did that thing come from? HOLMES. Your visitor brought it. WATSON. (Looks at his own two hands) But he wasn't carrying any books. His arm was in a sling. HOLMES. He concealed it within the sling. WATSON. But that's impossible. (Demonstrates). HOLMES. The man has only one arm. WATSON. (Reaction.) HOLMES. You must take it easy old man. Our visit to the Museum is postponed. WATSON. (Regaining his spirit) I wouldn't dream of it. Do us both good to get away from here. HOLMES. Good old Watson. I think that something nutritious at Simpson's would not be out of place. We shall start off with a plate of fresh shellfish. (Holmes grabs his coat, deerstalker hat and walking stick, and motions for Watson to get ready, then goes to the window and looks out.) WATSON. What about the reptile in the box? HOLMES. I shall requisition my Baker Street Irregulars for the task. Wiggins shall preside. Watson, that man leaning against the railing across the road. (Motions Watson to go to the window.) Would you be so good as to engage him in conversation until I appear on the street. I will be down shortly. WATSON. Whatever for? HOLMES. I wish to observe the man, from a higher vantage point. WATSON. Who is he? HOLMES. I leave that to you to find out WATSON. I'll ask him what he thinks about Mrs. Hudson's choice of colour on the front door. I hope you've noticed it's been freshly painted (turns away from Holmes and rubs his fingers as if he had touched the wet paint.) Don't be too long. (Watson Exits. Holmes checks that Watson has gone out. Then he takes off his coat throwing it over the back of a chair and then unbuttons a shirt sleeve, rolls it up, slaps his flesh in preparation for an injection. Goes into the interior room. Pause, and then scene change.) (Lights down.) (Sound Cue - Injection Motif ---> Moving Music Cue ---> Sound effect-Rain SCENE THREE (Whitechapel Rag & Bone Shop. There is a curtain of beads hung over the doorway.) (Mrs. Mansfield reclines in an ordinary chair that serves as a dentist's chair. Her back is to the audience. The chair leans against a small desk with a small box pushed under the front legs. She wears a kerchief over her hair. A large bib protects her clothes. If she faces the audience with Longnecker's back to the audience, her face should not be seen since this actor plays two separate roles. Dr. Longnecker is extracting one of her teeth. [It was common at the time for a dentist to make house calls.] He wears a typical dentist's shirt. There are various dental instruments laid out on a white towel on the desk. The dental pliers that Longnecker uses to extract the tooth already has an imitation tooth set in the nose of the tool.) (Lights Up) (Longnecker is pulling a tooth out. Mansfield holds onto the chair with one hand and holds onto Longnecker with the other. He has difficulty with the tooth. The two of them rock back and forth in a struggle to get the tooth out. All of a sudden, it comes out.) LONGNECKER. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark (examines the tooth in the jaws of the pliers ). How are we doing Mrs. Mansfield? MANSFIELD. (Reaction.) LONGNECKER. Open. (Stuffs her mouth with white cloth to stop the bleeding.) MANSFIELD. (Reaction) LONGNECKER. (Removes the cloth. It's red with blood.) Please rinse. MANSFIELD. (Sips from a glass of water and spits it out into a rinse pan.) LONGNECKER. Good girl. It's all over now. MANSFIELD. (Reaction) LONGNECKER. (Takes the bib off and helps her to her feet.) They both Exit, Longnecker humming/whistling a tune which he will later put words to.) (Enter Sherlock Holmes in disguise as Viennese collector. Looks around with a practised eye.) LONGNECKER. (Offstage. Singing the same tune as before but now with words.) "They said he came from many years back, A broken man his bones are crack'd When all laid out he's a queer sort of puzzle. The gent who's got the orangutan muzzle". "They said he came from many years back...., (Enter Longnecker wiping his hands on a towel. Stops singing when he sees a customer.) LONGNECKER. Didn't you see the sign? The shop's closed. (Putting away his instruments, removing his dentists smock, and the chair etc. then getting his coat and hat, ready to leave. ) HOLMES. The door was left open for me, Yah? (Ready to leave then points with great interest to an item for sale.) Flint trapezoid blade. Kent's Cavern perhaps? LONGNECKER. Cat's Hole. HOLMES. I'm looking for an addition to my collection. Axe-heads of "greenstone", from Cornwall (handling some of the prehistoric tools [eoliths] in the shop.) LONGNECKER. Epidiorite. HOLMES. Ah yes. I am most interested in the, "reddish-brown" class. Very ancient. LONGNECKER. Greenstone with a reddish-brown shade (chuckles.) Yes, Mrs. Mansfield can help you out with those. This is her shop. Just made a house call. What did you say your name was? HOLMES. Dr. Von Steiner. LONGNECKER. From Berlin? HOLMES. Vienna. LONGNECKER. Some very exciting developments over there in dentistry. HOLMES. Oh? LONGNECKER. Albert Einhorn. I've used his new procedure on Mrs. Mansfield. A direct injection of Novocaine into the gum. She didn't feel a thing. HOLMES. No pain? Hmm. Your card please. LONGNECKER. (Gives him his card) Much more effective than chloroform. HOLMES. (Reading the card.) "Dr. P. Longnecker. Magna Cum Lauda, London School of Dentistry." LONGNECKER. May I ask who your dentist is? HOLMES. Mr. Painless Parker. Parker he is. Painless? No relation. (Looks at another prehistoric tool) Grimes Grave? LONGNECKER. Sussex. HOLMES. Ah. The Plateau Man discovery. Charles Adamson. (They both try to out do each other.) LONGNECKER. Sir, Charles Adamson. As a matter of fact, I work for him from time to time. HOLMES. You don't say? You should go to Germany to see the Heidelburg jaw. Oldest man in the world. Wunderbar. The Plateau Man was found in a sand pit. Ah well. LONGNECKER. A gravel pit. The Heidelburg jaw was found in a sand pit. HOLMES. You know him? LONGNECKER. I've read Otto Schoetensack's monograph. Tremendous incisors. Very thick jaw. HOLMES. Likes a good cigar. LONGNECKER. The Heidelburg Man, I mean. HOLMES. Yah, a big one. Bigger than a Neanderthal's, but we don't brag about it. LONGNECKER. The Neanderthals were European morons that walked with a bend in the knee. HOLMES. (Deflated) Quite bent. Arthritic perhaps. LONGNECKER. Germany has fallen behind the French. Two complete Neanderthal skeletons found in southern France. HOLMES. Your Englishman was found beside a golf course, so I was told. LONGNECKER. We've been using clubs there for a very long time. HOLMES. I doubt that. You have so little history compared with continental Europe. LONGNECKER. We're not doing too badly. The Plateau Man is half a million years ago. We've just discovered a second ancient individual. HOLMES. Two of them now? Coming up like the daisies. LONGNECKER. Terribly sorry, but I really must be going. I've got another patient to visit. Mrs. Mansfield should be well enough to see you tomorrow. HOLMES. Remember, Greenstone, with a reddish brown shade. Tell me, your bag must be full of teeth by the end of the day, Yah? LONGNECKER. The severity of dental disease in the civilized world would make a third set of teeth a welcome addition. (Shakes his medical bag) (Longnecker Exits followed by Holmes.) (Sound Cue - -> Moving Music) SCENE FOUR (Meeting of the Royal Geological Society of London, at Burlington House. Evening.) (Alfie brings in the display table while Sir Charles brings in the display box with the specimens and puts it on the table with care, puts the lock in front, then opens the lid. The two reconstructed Plateau skulls are put on the table beside the displayed specimens.) SIR CHARLES. Put the lectern over there, Alfie. Careful. (Examines the jaw specimen and the canine tooth in the display box.) ALFIE. (Brings in the lectern.) Wouldn't need a nutcracker with a jaw like that now would he, sir. SIR CHARLES. Those are the man's fighting teeth. You know, Alfie, we've haven't left the animal kingdom that far behind. It's still a dog-eat-dog world. ALFIE. If you don't mind me saying so, sir, I don't see what's so different about him and me (flexes his jaw). That old fossil. You could meet a chap like that in Lewes any day. SIR CHARLES. He's become the world's most famous pile of rubble. That's the mystery of life, Alfie. Every species that has ever lived, or will ever live, will become "extinct". ALFIE. "Extinct"? Blimey. So that's why the dead smell so bad. (The lights flutter.) (Lady Adamson Enters) LADY ADAMSON. Charles, have you seen to the lights? The man for the electrics is here. SIR CHARLES. Not yet, my dear. LADY ADAMSON. Burlington House is never able to get the whole set of them going on at the same time. It's quite dreadful. SIR CHARLES. Alfie, show the man the fuse box and then see me. There's going to be a lot of riff raft here tonight. I want you to keep the public from wandering all over the damn place. Their business is in the main hall for enlightenment, the front foyer for refreshment, the lavatory for relief, and then out with them. ALFIE. Right you are, Sir Charles. You can depend on me. (Alfie Exits.) LADY ADAMSON. (Nervously and quietly.) Is everything in its place, Charles? ADAMSON. We couldn't be more prepared. LADY ADAMSON. Have you found out how many from the Creationist League will be attending tonight? ADAMSON. I've received at least a dozen reservations. LADY ADAMSON. Have you seen Dr. Watson yet? ADAMSON. He's just come in. LADY ADAMSON. Have you got the letter? ADAMSON. Yes of course. It's in my jacket pocket. LADY ADAMSON. For God's sake, make sure he sees it. ADAMSON. My dear, I'm going to enjoy myself, and I want you to enjoy yourself as well. (Embraces his wife.) I couldn't do this without you, Stephanie, you know that. LADY ADAMSON. Shh. Dr. Longnecker is coming. I'll leave the two of you now. (Lady Adamson Exits. Longnecker Enters. He turns to take an extra look at Lady Adamson as she exits.) LONGNECKER. (Shaking hands with Adamson) Sir Charles, what a splendid evening. Looks like an absolute sellout. ADAMSON. Yes. Crowds breed confusion. Phillip, isn't that Dr. John Watson crossing the hall? LONGNECKER. Yes. And I don't see Mr. Sherlock Holmes anywhere about. ADAMSON. (Aside to Longnecker) Mr. Holmes should be very much engaged tonight with the arrival of the "Star of Delhi". (Calling Dr. Watson over) Dr. Watson! Dr. Watson! (Watson Enters) WATSON. Sir Charles. By Jove, there he is, the ancient Plateau Man (Indicating the specimens.) ADAMSON. He seems to be getting shorter every year. Dr. Watson, this is my associate, Dr. Philip Longnecker. Top notch chap. Well versed in anatomy and geology. Not bad for a dentist who's published in Dental Cosmos. I've made a wager with Philip on tomorrow's headline. WATSON. Oh? I remember the headlines your first discovery made two years ago. Let me see: "APE-LIKE REMAINS FOUND IN SUSSEX - IS HE THE MISSING LINK, OR THE FIRST ENGLISH GENTLEMAN? - EXCAVATORS DESCRIBES THEIR PRIZE". LONGNECKER. Exactly. By cracky, Sir Charles, this time your critics are really going to take it on the chin, one, two, three, knockout. WATSON. It bucks me up to think that England is finally yielding up trumps. We've even beaten the Dutch and the smaller brained Java Man from Borneo LONGNECKER. From Sumatra. WATSON. That's the chap. This certainly tops the "Green Lady of Scotland" LONGNECKER. The "Red Lady of Wales", Dr. Watson. Discovered in a cave in Paviland. WATSON. Yes of course. Amazing how far the human race has come. Only yesterday I was reading about the creation of electrical power...... (Handles one of the specimens). ADAMSON. Oh, Dr. Watson. (motions for Watson to come over.) Stand still if you don't mind. (Adamson picks up the reconstructed skull and puts it in line with Watson's head as if measuring Watson's cranial capacity. To Longnecker -) What do you think? WATSON. (Freezes.) LONGNECKER. The chin.. ADAMSON. Yes. Remarkable. Have you ever considered donating your body to science, Dr. Watson? WATSON. ( Petrified) No. ADAMSON. (Tosses the skull to Longnecker.) We'll just putting you on old man. WATSON. (Laughs and wipes his brow.) ADAMSON. (Holding up a piece of the original specimens) It still boggles my mind to think that these fragments once formed a man who came from the dark recesses of the tertiary period. Makes me feel very humble. You know, there wouldn't have been any discovery without Professor Skullion, God bless his soul.. WATSON. Professor Skullion? LONGNECKER. The undisputed master on the subject of flint tools. I studied geology under him. (Puts the reconstructed skull back on display.) WATSON. Where have I heard that name before? The obituaries. If you don't mind my asking, from a medical point of view, what was it exactly that caused his death? [Lights flicker] ADAMSON. (Reaction to the lights) No one is quite sure. Such a shame he didn't receive a KBE on the Honour List. It should have been Professor Skullion who found the "Plateau Man". I was just lucky. LONGNECKER. Now don't be so modest, Sir Charles. Skullion found the man's tools, but not his signature. (Picking up a specimen.) It's your find, your credit, and your glory. ADAMSON. I'm dedicating my paper to his memory. WATSON. Very considerate of you, Sir Charles.. LONGNECKER. Dr. Watson, Lord Beardsley is retiring from the British Museum, passing the directorship onto a younger man. And whose name do you think has come up in the nominations? Anyone we know? (indicating Adamson) WATSON. I say! Congratulations! (Shakes Adamson's hand). ADAMSON. I'm afraid not everyone is as receptive to my ideas as you are, Dr. Watson. I received this anonymous letter in the post this morning (takes the letter and envelope out of his jacket pocket and gives it to Dr. Watson). WATSON. "The wrath of God will be upon the head of he who denies the miracle of creation." I wonder what Holmes would make of this. LONGNECKER. Bloody cheek. We all know the London League of Creationists wrote it. Dr. Watson, here's our evidence for all to see. (Indicating the specimens.) What have they got? ADAMSON. Now don't get so worked up about it, Phillip. LONGNECKER. Excuse me, Sir Charles but they really are nothing but crackpots. I'll let you gather your notes and make ready for battle. Good luck. ADAMSON. (Pats Longnecker on the back) LONGNECKER. (Waits for Watson to leave with him.) WATSON. Oh, I've been taking up so much of your time, Sir Charles. Well then, all the best. (Shakes hands with Adamson and they go offstage.) Now about that wager, Dr. Longnecker. I've got a dandy headline for the newspapers myself. What about this: "THE NEW FOSSIL MAN FROM SUSSEX. (Knocks on his head or slaps his cheeks with his hand to make a popping sound or knocks on the table.) A HARD NUT TO CRACK FOR CHRISTMAS". SCENE FIVE (Music Cue - Schubert Act1) (The display table is laid out with ancients tools and the original Plateau Man fragments. The reconstructed Plateau skull and a human skull sit side by side. Behind the display table, centre stage, a lectern. As the music fades out, Adamson begins speaking.) ADAMSON. In closing, we are convinced that we have at long last discovered the "missing link". There is no longer any doubt that we are descended from barbarians. As Charles Darwin himself put it, "we bear the indelible stamp of our lowly origins"... Now just before the question period begins, I would like to thank my collaborators for making this discovery possible. Sadly, Professor Skullion passed away this year. His contribution will be greatly missed. On behalf of the discovery team, I submit our findings to the enlightened judgement of my learned associates of the Royal Geological Society of London. Now, if you would kindly identify yourself, I would be glad to answer your questions as best I can. (Points) Ah. The gentleman at the very back please. (Lady Adamson disguised as a Creationist Enters from the back of the theatre. She's dressed in black and a veil covers her face. The Creationist jumps in on Adamson's speeches.) CREATIONIST. I'd like to say something first. My name is Angela St. John from the London League of Creationists. Professor, could you say absolutely whether this creature was a man, or an ape? ADAMSON. He was most certainly a tool maker who had learned the use of fire. CREATIONIST. Was he older than Moses? ADAMSON. He was antediluvian. There is every reason to believe the fossil is half a million years old. Now I think the gentleman at the back has a very good question. CREATIONIST. I'm not finished. Did God create man? ADAMSON. Your question is quite beyond the scope of this lecture. [The lights flicker.] (Background voiceover starts - heckling - "Liar", "Shame on you", "What about Adam and Eve?", "Atheist", "The wrath of God" . Underneath - low background crowd noise. The backstage actors can also start up a commotion eg. "Pipe down", "Sit down", etc.) CREATIONIST. Did God create mankind or did he not? Answer the question. ADAMSON. As I have argued, we evolved from a primitive form of ape. CREATIONIST. God made man in his own image. ADAMSON. I'm afraid this discussion must be ended. CREATIONIST. This is a Christian country. ADAMSON..This is pointless. I must ask you to leave. CREATIONIST. (She takes some bananas out of her carrying bag and waves them in the air to make her point.) So you think we are a bunch of banana eaters do you? ) ADAMSON. You cannot prevent the progress of science. CREATIONIST. If you're such a friend of the apes then have a taste of these! THE WRATH OF GOD! (Heaves bananas at the professor - over his head! The professor ducks behind the lectern. She Exits.) [Full blackout. The specimens are removed.] (Sounds of general confusion.) LONGNECKER. Order, order..... [The lights suddenly go back on.] (Enter Dr. Watson, Longnecker, and Alfie. They look around. Adamson immediately looks at the table and realizes that the display box with the Plateau specimens have vanished. The reconstructed skulls remain. Adamson clutches at the lock of the display box which has been left behind.) ADAMSON. My discovery. It's gone!...It's gone...Find those women...The League has made off with it! LONGNECKER. (Longnecker takes over the lectern and seizes the gavel.) Ladies and gentleman, I must apologize. I now adjourn this meeting of the Royal Geological Society of London! (He hammers the gavel against the lectern top.) [Blackout] (Intermission Music - Original Version of Tchaik Sym. 4) END OF FIRST ACT INTERMISSION ACT TWO SCENE ONE EVOLUTION WALTZ (sung by Alfie) (Scene: Baker Street sitting room. Watson is napping and dreaming the next scene. There is a saxophone in its case against the wall, and a bust of a Neanderthal sitting on the table. A plate of empty shells from mussels, oysters etc are on another. Holmes' violin is hidden under the settee.) (2 bar vamp) (Waltz) Swinging from tree to tree, and tree to tree we must be swinging, Climbing from branch to branch, and leaf to leaf we must be Eating, Bananas for lunch ... Monkeys and chimpanzees, orangutans and big gorillas, Family, unfortunately, my relatives and my relations, have Patience with them... Darwin he wrote a book, "Descent of Man" he called the volume Too bad, he got it wrong, I sing this song to help you understand, how it all began, in the beginning. (4/4) God was a gambler, he rolled the dice, Out of the chaos, he made something nice and, Out popped Adam and a lady called Eve. Get in on the game, and shoot on your knees, he Gave them a chance with the pair of dice, They rolled snake eyes, they knew in a thrice They'd get the boot from the Garden of Eden, The Lord was displeased, he said get up in the trees, (Bridge-softshoe dance) I thank the Lord that I'm not a fish, but Please dear Lord, please grant me this wish, I Really want to be a Homo Sapien Man, no Neanderthal this, or Australopith, He said, I'll Make a deal but I'm a bit of a tease, Walk upright, but you pray on your knees, now get, Down from the trees and think like a man.. (drum roll) And get a shave and a haircut,... (Musical Sendoff, double-time) (Alfie Exits, waking Watson from his dream.) (Watson wakes up with a start. Holmes bursts into the room with a wrapped up bust of a Neanderthal .) HOLMES. (Unwrapping it, placing it on the mantle and striking a profile opposite it) What do you think, old man? The family resemblance is overwhelming is it not? WATSON. (Reaction) HOLMES. Perhaps you'll change your mind if I'll place him here by the window. The light is much better. WATSON. Where did you get him? HOLMES. The British Museum sold me a cast. WATSON. Inspector Lestrade has been questioning members of the London League of Creationists. Without success. HOLMES. It has taken him a week to come up with nothing, except a theory. WATSON. Conspiracy. (Takes a letter out of his pocket and gives it to Holmes.) Inspector Lestrade thought you might be interested in this. HOLMES. (Examining the envelope and letter.) "The wrath of God will be upon the head of he who denies the miracle of creation." WATSON. Lestrade gave me this pamphlet from the League. (Taking it out.) What do you think is printed on the cover? The exact same expression. (Offering it to Holmes, but he's not interested). Don't you want to look at it? HOLMES. I would much rather see Tuesday's Times, Watson. There is no mistaking the type of the Times with Punch. Let me see, ah yes, this story is a capital one (laughing). Permit me to give you an extract. "No one denies that the discovery of protons and electrons is one of the major advances of the age. The creation of electrical power is transforming the planet, and perhaps will lead to a God-like mastery over the natural world. As England rushes headlong into a future which is becoming dependant upon miracles of science, there will be those who will see their way of life diminish and disappear." Watson, you have a literary flair. What do you think of this item.? WATSON. I remember reading that article. HOLMES. The words are also found in the utterance received in this letter. WATSON. (Watson accounts for the match) But who could be the sender of the letter? HOLMES. Watson, you know my methods. Apply them. WATSON. The spacing between the pasted words is quite careless. HOLMES. Or meant to seem that way. There is ample evidence to suggest that the author began working from the bottom and continued up to the top. WATSON. You mean to say their method is to work backwards? HOLMES. Excellent, Watson. It is a common method among writers of shabby detection novels who have difficulty with their plot. Seventeen words on this page... (holding it very close to his eyes, then discreetly catching the scent of perfume from the paper.) Halloa, halloa, what is this?. (Gives a magnifying glass and the letter to Watson. He puts the letter back into his pocket in bewilderment. Holmes goes over to the saxophone case against the wall, puts it on the table and examines first the case, then pulling out the instrument.) The case is German, the instrument made in France, the inventor Belgian, and if I play the saxophone in this house, the wild curses from Mrs. Hudson's lips will be, Scottish. Take it away! (Dumps the saxophone in Watson's lap.) WATSON. Just trying to help. HOLMES. Who could have given you the idiotic idea I would be at all interested in playing the saxophone? WATSON. A saxophone teacher. It's not idiotic idea. You've given up the violin. I thought the saxophone would help occupy your mind. HOLMES. (Points at the saxophone) A drain on the supply of oxygen to the brain. The mind is a great motor which requires large amounts of stimulus to keep it running. WATSON. Natural stimulants, I hope. HOLMES. (Silence) WATSON. Did you hear what I said, Holmes? HOLMES. (Silence.) WATSON. I'm speaking to you as a medical man. HOLMES. (Ignores Watson.) WATSON. Holmes, if you continue to abuse yourself....I've seen the damage it can do. Poor wretches who can't tell the difference between reality and hallucination. HOLMES. So you compare me to "them", do you Watson? WATSON. Cocaine makes no distinction. I'm a doctor! I'm trying to help you. Look at Sir Charles, marrying a woman far younger than himself. That's natural stimulation. Marriage. That would keep you occupied. HOLMES. That is a mystery for the heart. WATSON. You feel as though life suddenly becomes a tragedy when the winds of contentment blow through London. HOLMES. (Explodes) No Watson. A swirling brew of monstrosities ferments beneath the surface of London life, but I can do nothing but wait. I have no desire to become the mere grease that oils the slimy underbelly of London. I need fuel for my racing brain. WATSON. For heavens sake, take care of yourself. HOLMES. .....I admit to you, there are flaws in my character. Oh yes. If I were to list them, a short paragraph would suffice. WATSON. I don't think you would make a good soldier. You wouldn't follow orders. HOLMES. But perhaps I would make a fine actor having more than a working knowledge of the art of make-up and disguises. WATSON. But would you keep to the exact lines of the play? HOLMES. I have found my own, "method". Watson, as a doctor would you not agree that I am in full command of my mental faculties? WATSON. Your creator endowed you with one of the most logical minds in London HOLMES. Exceeded by my older brother Mycroft, who is equalled by few. I want you to promise me something. Promise me on your honour, on your mother's grave, on all that you hold sacred, that if I appear to lose my reason, you won't desert me. WATSON. Good God, what are you saying? HOLMES. Promise me that if I seem to lose my mind, you will come to my side. You will come immediately and leave this with me (Holmes takes the jackknife out of the mantle, closes it up and gives it to Watson.) WATSON. Great Scott. HOLMES. Promise me. WATSON. What are you considering? I make no such agreement. HOLMES. As a dear friend, you must. WATSON. You need help, Holmes. HOLMES. Watson, you never did fail me. WATSON. Then you must make me a promise. HOLMES. Let me consider it. WATSON. Give up cocaine. HOLMES. (Angrily) I have given it up, countless times. WATSON. Confound it, Holmes. You must agree to see a specialist. I know a man in Vienna... HOLMES. I know that man. (Pause) Watson, you have my word. WATSON. Let God punish me if I do wrong. HOLMES. Let no one know of this, not even my older brother, Mycroft. (Holmes Exits through the interior door but leaves the door ajar. There is a knock on the door. Watson answers it, returning with a velvet covered case with a card attached.) (Music Cue - Low Ominous Tone with bell tree chimes over top.) WATSON. (Reading from the letter in the envelope slipped under the red ribbon and bow) "To Mr. Sherlock Holmes. As I know you're a connoisseur of the Last Polyphonic Quartets of Lassus, please accept these rare manuscripts of music. From my heart, to yours. Let's have a look... (Unlocks the lock and prepares to open the case.) (Holmes rushes in from the interior door.) HOLMES. Don't open that case, Watson! (Moves Watson away from the case on the table and uses a butter knife to pry open the catch of the lid of the case.) Orlando Lassus never composed quartets. He composed, motets. (The top springs open and a knife pops straight up.) WATSON. Great Scott! HOLMES. (Reading from the letter) "From my heart, to yours." (He thrust the paper down onto the point of the sword. Indicating the case -) Swiss made.. WATSON. (Mopping his brow) What in heaven's name is going on? This is the third attack against you this week, Holmes. HOLMES. (Sneering) I have observed that these little attacks have a habit of occurring, in a quartet. WATSON. The "Star of Delhi" is involved in this. HOLMES. Perhaps it is, Watson. Lady Adamson has invited me to a private viewing of the diamond. (Takes out his key.) WATSON. Take care of that key, whatever you do. HOLMES. (Goes and gets a egg and an empty bowl). Watson, let us pretend that this egg is the Star of Delhi, and this butter dish, the glass case surrounding the diamond. Just how would you go about stealing it? WATSON. (Demonstrates with the egg and butter dish) I would create a diversion, smash the glass case, seize the diamond and make a run for it. HOLMES. And a second possibility? WATSON. I could wait till all is quiet, then seize the diamond. One could always hide it there in the Museum, later returning to scoop it up, and then make a run for it. HOLMES. Excellent. Another option? WATSON. I don't suppose one could move the case an inch, each day, towards the exit door without anyone noticing it... HOLMES. Impractical. WATSON. (Reaction) HOLMES. Come on then old fellow. WATSON. What other way can there be? HOLMES. Neither the diamond nor the glass case need be touched by human hands. WATSON. Then by whose hands? HOLMES. The diamond is inside the glass case, the case is inside the Museum. It follows then that one could steal the diamond, and the case... by stealing the Museum. (Tosses the egg up in the air for Watson to catch.) WATSON. (Catching the egg.) That's preposterous! The British Museum is beyond the power of any single mind to possess it. HOLMES. There is a man in London who would attempt it. (Off stage shouting and commotion. "What the bloody hell..." etc.) (Alfie comes rushing in) ALFIE. Mr. Holmes! HOLMES. Alfie! ALFIE. Couldn't believe me eyes. A man was going to heave a brick through your window. (Alfie, Holmes and Watson rush to the window - extreme downstage - towards the audience. ) Hey, there he goes! HOLMES. The one armed man. WATSON. That's the fourth attack! ALFIE. I've got terrible news. HOLMES. (Angrily) Whitechapel! ALFIE. Mrs. Mansfield's been killed. WATSON. Great Scott! HOLMES. I've made a considerable error in this affair. WATSON. What's this all about? HOLMES. Who is handling the investigation? ALFIE. Inspector Lestrade. HOLMES. (Getting ready to leave and putting gloves, deerstalker and cape on.) We may have need of your assistance, Alfie. Watson, bring your bag. ALFIE. Mr. Holmes, I've a weak stomach, when it comes to blood. WATSON. You must control yourself, Mr. Trotwood. We can't have you being sick at the scene of an accident. HOLMES. All the more reason to bring a doctor along. (Pats Watson on the back and hurries them out the door). (Holmes, Watson, and Alfie Exit) ALFIE. (Offstage) Bloody hell. I'm not going in there. (Music Cue - Moving Music --->Cat Howling--->Whitechapel Music) (SCENE TWO) (Mrs. Mansfield's shop in Whitechapel) [Lights dim] (Holmes and Watson Enter the Whitechapel shop through the hanging beaded entrance. They have gloves on. Holmes makes a quick examination of the room. Plunging to the floor, he finds a minute detail which he puts into an envelope and stuffs into his pocket. Continuing his search, he finds a scarf with the initials P.L. on it, lying in the corner. He wraps it around his hands and tests its strength as a method of strangulation. Using his magnifying glass he observes indentations in the carpet in front of the desk made by the back legs of a chair. He reconstructs the scene where Dr. Longnecker was treating Mrs. Mansfield - the chair leaning back against the desk, with front legs resting against a box. In the bottom drawer of the desk he finds a small paint tin. He tosses it for Watson to catch and examine. Waits for Watson's perplexed reaction. Holmes Exits. Watson follows with the paint tin without a word.) (Music Cue - Moving Music) (SCENE THREE) (Private chambers in the British Museum. Professor Adamson and Lady Adamson are sitting down having tea. Adamson's saucer has been broken in two with the two pieces set together.) (Professor Adamson takes a sip of tea, puts the cup back down on the saucer and finds that the saucer has by chance, just broken in two.) ADAMSON. What in the blazes! The saucer just broke on me. (Examines the two pieces of the saucer intently.) LADY ADAMSON. (Titters.) ADAMSON. Must do something about it. (There is a knock at the door.) (Alfie Enters wearing his Museum uniform apron and white gloves.) ADAMSON. Please join us, Mr. Trotwood. (Takes glass replica emerald out of pocket and tosses to Trotwood.) Do you make a habit of taking things which do not belong to you, Mr. Trotwood? ALFIE. (Off guard he catches the emerald and examines.) This is a piece of glass, Sir Charles.(Gives it back to Adamson.) ADAMSON. (Reaction, then takes the genuine emerald out of his pocket.) I wish my wife to hear your version of events. (Taking a small gem out of his pocket, and handling it) ALFIE. Begging your pardon, but I never did it. ADAMSON. You realize the seriousness of the accusation against you? ALFIE. Believe me, Sir Charles, I'm as innocent as New Year's Day. It happened after I hung up me apron and went for lunch. Hung it up on the third hook. I remember it exactly. If it wasn't for Dr. Longnecker mistaking my apron for his, I wouldn't had noticed it. I was as surprised as anyone when Dr. Longnecker fished the emerald out from my apron pocket. LADY ADAMSON. (Kindly) I would like to make sure about one point, Alfie. You do admit that it was your apron. ALFIE. Yes, it was mine alright. But I didn't do it your, Ladyship. I need this here job at the Museum. It's the best job I ever had. LADY ADAMSON. Charles, perhaps you could consider giving Alfie the benefit of the doubt just this once. After all, Alfie was recommended to the Museum by Mr. Sherlock Holmes. ADAMSON. Mr. Trotwood, I'm giving you a second chance. I'm putting you on probation. You will be called upon to perform extra duties. You will perform them without question, and with all due diligence. The British Museum depends upon the absolute integrity of everyone. You have my wife to thank for my decision. Do not disappoint her. ALFIE. Thank you your Ladyship. Thank you Sir Charles. You can depend on me. ADAMSON. You may go. (Alfie Exits) LADY ADAMSON. Emerald is such a beautiful colour. ADAMSON. (Gives it to her) It suits you. LADY ADAMSON. You were rather hard on Alfie. ADAMSON. Not all at. I'm fond of the fellow. Now would you like to see what I've brought you? (Hands her a little box with an emerald broach/pendant). LADY ADAMSON. Oh you shouldn't have. It's beautiful. ADAMSON. It's the simple things of life that one enjoys as one grows older. Let me see it on you. (She puts it on. Whispers - ) This was never listed in the Museum's inventory. LADY ADAMSON. Please sit down, Charles. We must talk. ADAMSON. If you think that best, my dear. LADY ADAMSON. We'll be dining at Lord Farnsworth's next Tuesday. ADAMSON. Splendid. LADY ADAMSON. They have such a lovely place in the country. We must gain his support. ADAMSON. He remarked the grand ball was a great success. Your uncle, Lord Beardsley thought you sparkled more than the "Star of Delhi". LADY ADAMSON. He's old and sick. I can't stand to kiss him any more. ADAMSON. His skin tone reminds me of ashes, poor man. LADY ADAMSON. The directorship will go to you, Charles. You've earned it. We'll move into Winchester House. ADAMSON. Why not. As soon as I become director of the Museum the "Man at the Top" will help us enter the European market. He's a master of logistics. Works it out on a giant board, rather like a chess match, moving around the players, knocking the opposition off one by one. But I know you don't like me speaking about him. LADY ADAMSON. Then don't. Just do what he says. ADAMSON. I'm sorry, my dear. At least my critics are in disarray after the "theft" of the specimens. LADY ADAMSON. "The wrath of God." It's a dreadful shame that religious conviction is on the decline. ADAMSON. Better if God keeps the riff raff in line than for us to have to do it. I'm developing a new theory. I suspect the idea of God was devised long before the invention of fire. LADY ADAMSON. What difference that would that make? ADAMSON. How else could prehistoric man have cursed the freezing weather? LADY ADAMSON. They could say, "Son of a bitch, it's freezing" ADAMSON. Or perhaps, "Jesus Christ it's a bugger of a cold day, mate." LADY ADAMSON. Really, Charles. ADAMSON. We survived the cruelty of four ice ages like that... Now what about that young Adonis. How are you getting along with Dr. Longnecker. LADY ADAMSON. He'll behave himself. ADAMSON. He's taken a terrible fall for you, Stephanie. LADY ADAMSON. He's just a little boy who likes to play with matches. ADAMSON. You must watch yourself with him. I've seen his medical charts. He's colour blind. LADY ADAMSON. It's a very mild case. But then we're all colour blind, under the moonlight. ADAMSON. Absolutely appalling sense of taste. Anomalous trichomatism. I very much doubt my tailor can do anything for him. LADY ADAMSON. Just like Professor Skullion. (Mocking) That old suit he used to wear. What could any tailor do with a man with a nose like that. ADAMSON. As big as an electric light bulb you used to say. LADY ADAMSON. I shall take Philip out to buy a new suit. He could use a woman's sense of taste. ADAMSON. Stephanie, the "Man at the Top" is taking steps to keep him in line. LADY ADAMSON. What do you mean, Charles? ADAMSON. Some fellows do some damn stupid things when they think they've got the upper hand. That was Skullion's error. Good God. LADY ADAMSON. What had to be done, had to be done. ADAMSON. You still don't blame me? LADY ADAMSON. He ruined his own career. ADAMSON. Tell Dr. Longnecker when he's completed his part of the bargain, I'll make him curator. LADY ADAMSON. He's expecting more than that. Look at the risks he's taking. ADAMSON. Hmm. Oh, I nearly forgot. I must be getting old (pulling out some pound notes in his pocket) For Mr. Trotwood. Let him lick his wounds then reward him for good behaviour. LADY ADAMSON. He's dedicated to you, like an old spaniel. ADAMSON. Knows where his bread is buttered. Sherlock Holmes is a different kettle of fish. LADY ADAMSON. You needn't worry about the "great detective". ADAMSON. He's like the sphinx, Stephanie. LADY ADAMSON. I spoke to my uncle about showing the "Star of Delhi" to Mr. Holmes. ADAMSON. Lord Beardsley always gives in to his favourite niece. I'm going to my club now. Thank God "the man at the top" let us in on Sherlock Holmes' weakness. That is our strength. We'll win the game. I love you more than anything in the world, my sweet. (Kisses her on the top of the head). (Music Cue - Lady Music) (Lady Adamson arranges the room for Holmes - gets mirror, flask of water and puts the "sting ring" on carefully. Then she puts on lipstick using her hand held mirror. She Exits) [Lights dim momentarily, then come up again.] (There is a couch big enough for two, and a chair.) (Enter Lady Adamson and Holmes. Holmes returns the key to her. The diamond is in her purse.) HOLMES. Thank you for the invitation, Lady Adamson. I believe the British Museum had this room repainted this past December. LADY ADAMSON. Oh? Who did you meet on that occasion? HOLMES. No one. I merely observe the absence of the smell of fresh paint, yet the furniture along the perimeter of the room has been moved. I've made a study of the temporal relationships between the impressions made by furniture upon carpeting, the accumulations of dust, and the formation of spider webs. LADY ADAMSON. Yes of course. But I thought you had come to observe the "Star of Delhi" at your leisure. HOLMES. A woman's best friend, so the De Beers would have us believe. LADY ADAMSON. The De Beers are wrong. An English gentleman is a woman's best friend. Would you like some tea? (She pours some tea for both of them). HOLMES. Thank you. That is a most unusual ring you're wearing. LADY ADAMSON. My husband gave it to me some years ago after returning from an expedition to the African continent. HOLMES. Do you mind if I take a look at it? The ivory design interests me. LADY ADAMSON. (Refusing to take it off and briefly flashing it at him) Oh, I'm sure it will never be displayed at the British Museum. But I would like your opinion on this piece. Let me show it to you. (She removes a broach.) Emerald. HOLMES. Very distinguished transparency in colour. (Looks at it and gives it back to her.) Thank you. Lady Adamson, how is your husband taking the loss of the Plateau Man specimens? LADY ADAMSON. My husband is still in a state of shock. HOLMES. Scotland Yard maintains that there is very little chance of recovery. LADY ADAMSON. It is very depressing. HOLMES. The newspapers say that your husband's discovery had the makings of "one of the major advances of the age". Of course, I am no expert in such matters. LADY ADAMSON. Nor am I. Evolution is my husband's affair. I believe that God is responsible for the grand design of life. (Seductively) The human form is too perfectly made to be a total accident, wouldn't you agree? HOLMES. I have made a career of making inroads into the domain of the accidental. LADY ADAMSON. Might one ask you whether you're a bachelor from lack of opportunity, or from lack of motive? HOLMES. It's not a crime to be a bachelor. LADY ADAMSON. But you must find some women attractive. HOLMES. I find the perfume you are wearing quite attractive. White jessamine, is it not? LADY ADAMSON. Yes. Come and sit by my side, Sherlock. Let me show you the "Star of Delhi". I assure you, it is quite safe, especially in your company. (Holmes moves from his chair to the couch. She takes the diamond out of her purse and opens the box.) Go ahead, pick it up. (Holmes does so that the audience can see it too.) Watch the dance of a thousand fires before your eyes. [Lights dim a bit and spot goes on the diamond.] (Music Cue - Low ominous tone with bell tree chimes over top.) HOLMES. Thirty thousand miners took a lifetime each, to find it. LADY ADAMSON. Queen Mary should like it as a gift. Would you like to see the third eye, Mr. Holmes? (She gets the mirror and a little flask of clear liquid.) I should explain. It is a trick of reflection and the imagination. (She does the following, and Holmes follows her instructions.) The diamond represents the three sacred elements: infinite light that is the sky, purity that is the water, and the warmth that is the fire. (She takes a sip from the flask proving that its just water.) The mirror becomes the sky, and now the rain forms a lake (she pours a glass of water onto the surface of the mirror, leaning slightly back from it.) We must create the fire. Hold the diamond over the mirror. You must get closer, Sherlock, about there, yes that's better (Holmes leans with his face right over the mirror). Gaze at the reflection in the water. Let yourself be drawn into it. Two diamonds now take the place of your eyes. And now the third element. Relax your gaze... A third diamond appears in the centre of your forehead. (Lighting Cue - mirror ball) It is the eye that was stolen from the statue in the temple. (Music Cue - Injection Motif) (Holmes appears hypnotized. She takes the diamond from him and puts it down). Look at me, Sherlock. (Starting to caress him.) Free yourself from the chains of reason. Let me love you, my darling. (She fiddles with her ring which has a concealed needle in it. She kisses him and jabs him in the neck in the same instance.) HOLMES. (As he feels the pain, he releases her and holds the back of his neck. The needle has released a toxin. He rises to his feet holding his neck, stumbles and lies incapacitated.) (Longnecker Enters with his medical bag wearing gloves.) LADY ADAMSON. He noticed my ring. LONGNECKER. Give it to me. I don't want you stinging yourself by accident. (He puts it in a small case and pockets it). LADY ADAMSON. He recognized my perfume. LONGNECKER. He fell for the tender trap. LADY ADAMSON. Go on. Give him the injection. LONGNECKER. (Prepares to give Holmes the injection. Finds needle marks in his arm.) Well then, one more needle mark won't make any difference. This will keep him sedated until I administer the hallucinogen. LADY ADAMSON. What about the needle mark on his neck? We mustn't have an infection showing. LONGNECKER. No chance of that. (Longnecker gives Holmes the needle and then wipes the mark with the cotton batten that Lady Adamson gives him. He puts away everything into his bag.) Did you get the uniforms ready? LADY ADAMSON. Alfie Trotwood got them for me. It'll look just like the attendants tossing a beggar onto the front steps of the British Museum. LONGNECKER. Won't Scotland Yard enjoy putting the meddlesome detective behind bars. LADY ADAMSON. Charles' been waiting for this day. LONGNECKER. I don't know how he's able to stay so calm. LADY ADAMSON. I know how frustrating it's been for you. LONGNECKER. I'm not going to grind away my life for the imbeciles at the top. I'm fed up covering for his incompetence. LADY ADAMSON. Philip, don't do anything rash. LONGNECKER. If something should happen....If I go down, I'm taking Charles with me, all the way to the bottom. (Lady Adamson Exits. Adamson Enters. He sees that Holmes is incapacitated.) LONGNECKER. Sir Charles. It's time to honour your promise. ADAMSON. The curator's position. Consider it done. LONGNECKER. That's just the beginning. You and I are partners now. ADAMSON. You don't beat around the bush like most chaps your age do you. I like that. LONGNECKER. Good. Then maybe I can teach the British Museum the difference between fossilization and Vandyke Brown paint. ADAMSON. I wouldn't advise it. LONGNECKER. No? What about filing down ape molars so that they resemble human dentition? I was the only one who bothered to look at the marks on the teeth. ADAMSON. But then you're a dentist. LONGNECKER. Professor Skullion knew you'd be too lazy to actually go out into the field and do your own digging. Much easier to buy your discovery from the gravel pit workers. ADAMSON. One simply gets used to a competent lie. LONGNECKER. It was easy for Professor Skullion to take you in. Manufacture facts to fit a your bogus theory. Shrink the cranial capacity and enlarge the jaw so that he looks like a subhuman monster. Instant antiquity. ADAMSON. I wasn't responsible for the reconstruction of the braincase. That was my colleague's error. LONGNECKER. But you fell for the Plateau Man. ADAMSON. Look Phillip, all I did was find the wrong man. The "missing link" is still out there waiting to be found. And he will be found. It's your talent that's going to get us there. Put things right again. LONGNECKER. There's an easier way for me to get to Mayfair. It's your money that's going to get me there. ADAMSON. .....I've had a dream about the Plateau Man, Phillip. I'm walking down a farm lane. The lane sparkles in the pouring rain. It's been mended with some peculiar brown flints. I follow a path which leads down to the gravel pit. A hear a duck. Quack, quack, quack. And then I see Professor Skullion, shooing the duck away. Oh I can tell it's him (taps his nose). He's down in the gravel pit, knee deep in water. And then he bends over into it. My eyes water over and I can't see a thing. ... LONGNECKER. He planted the orangutan jaw in the gravel pit. ADAMSON. He drowned, poor man. And all because of one of his geology students ratted on him. Something else you should know. Mrs. Mansfield is no longer among the living. Her shop was broken into. Scotland Yard discovered a scarf with the initials, P. L.. You seem to have misplaced yours. She was given a lethal dose of chloroform. Some of you dentist chaps use it on your patients, don't you? LONGNECKER. What are you accusing me of? ADAMSON. It would be a great shame to see you repeat Professor Skullion's error. LONGNECKER. You bastard. I've worked bloody hard covering up for you, Sir Charles. All I want is my fair share. ADAMSON. Then start thinking on a much grander scale, my boy. I'm speaking about, "The Network". LONGNECKER. Who are you working for? ADAMSON. The "Man at the Top". He has connections everywhere. LONGNECKER. Who in the dickens are you talking about? ADAMSON. In London he's known as, Mr. "Jaryiot" (pronounced "Jarriot" with a French accent). His eyes are everywhere although no one has seen his face. I take great pains not to disappoint him. It's a business of survival. Life is a contest where individuals struggle for personal success. Phillip, Mr. Jaryiot is not one to let the grass grow under his feet. (They Exit.) SCENE FOUR (A London prison. Holmes rolls from his position on the floor in the private chamber of the British Museum over to the prison area. He pulls the wrap from the settee to use as a prison blanket, reversing it as he pulls it off. One side of the wrap is elegant while the other side is shabby.) [A gobo projects long prison bars onto the floor. The lights are stark white, no gels. Alternatively a wooden frame representing prison bars comes down from the ceiling into position.] (Watson paces up and down in the waiting area of a London prison. Lady Adamson and Alfie meet him there.) WATSON. I'm grateful to you for coming, Lady Adamson, Alfie. I'm afraid this is going to be very unpleasant. LADY ADAMSON. Dr Watson, what can we do to help him recover from his terrible brain fever? WATSON. I don't understand it. LADY ADAMSON. I will see that he is released immediately from this dreadful cell. WATSON. (Confused) Good God. (To himself and Alfie) I noticed a change in him ever since he came back from Paris. Why did I not act sooner? (To Alfie) Who found him first? ALFIE. Two bobbies found him in the early morning. I came out of the Museum to see what the hubbub was all about. LADY ADAMSON. What was he saying? ALFIE. Blithering like the insane and soaking wet from the rain. A newspaper reporter got wind of it. I tried to tell him that it was only a poor old lunatic, thinking himself first to be the King of England, then Sherlock Holmes. The fool was lucky he didn't cut himself on that bit of "glass" in his hands. Only he was Sherlock Holmes and it was the real "Star of Delhi". I couldn't believe it. WATSON. The guard is signalling. (Watson approaches Holmes.) LADY ADAMSON. Mr. Trotwood, take my arm. I feel faint. ALFIE. It's the stale air of misery, me Lady. I'll get you out into the fresh air, you can depend on me. (Lady Adamson and Alfie Exit.) WATSON. (Puts his hand on Holmes' forehead and examines his eyes.) Holmes, how are you, old chap? (Watson examines Holmes.) No sign of trauma, abrasion, or toxicosis. He breathes normally. Total mental paralysis. HOLMES. (He springs up out of the cot at Watson.) Watson, would you kindly help Mrs. Hudson with the tea tray. She is on, the "seventeenth step". Hush. Do you not hear it? Oysters crawling out of the sea! (Ready to fall over) The world will be overrun by oysters, marching over the shore, out of the sea! (He falls back. Watson catches him.) WATSON. Old chap, we'll nurse you back to health. You'll be feeling your old self again in no time. I'll visit you often, cheer you up. Don't you worry. Lady Adamson will spring you out of here before you know it. A specialist will come to examine you. He'll cure you. (Looks around to see if anyone is watching. Takes out the jackknife and opens it, showing it to Holmes, and puts it beside him.) I kept my promise. May God protect you, Sherlock. (Watson Exits. Mr. Jaryriot's voice is amplified through the house system, with reverb.) (Sound effect -Bees buzzing ---> Waves Crashing) (Holmes takes up the knife and stabs at the bees. Then folds up the blade and pockets it. MR. JARYRIOT. (Amplified) I hope you are enjoying the dampness of your present accommodations. HOLMES. A voice, crawling out of the sea. MR. JARYRIOT. I doubt that you will be able to rehabilitate yourself. HOLMES. You believe that you are the epitome of criminal evolution, but I warn you sir; your evolutionary path is coming to an end. MR. JARYRIOT. I see that you are addicted to blaming me for all the evil that is undetected in London.. HOLMES. I would gladly sacrifice myself if I could be certain of your destruction. I am not aware that I have used my powers upon the wrong side. MR. JARYRIOT. This is the very height of hypocracy. But if you insist on immortality, I will arrange it for you. I give you one last chance to save yourself. Sherlock, pursue me no further. HOLMES. I will never give in to you, sir. My nets are closing round you. Your slimy skin will not allow you to slip through my fingers again this time. I will haul you out of the sea like a fish and dangle you by the gills. MR. JARYRIOT. The justice you seek is pure illusion. HOLMES. It will be the rope for you. MR. JARYRIOT. A pity, but I have done my best to behave as a gentleman in this affair. I'll leave you now with the pain of withdrawal symptoms. Good day, Mr. Holmes. (Bach violin solo) HOLMES. (Holmes grimaces with pain when the music starts, stands up and moves towards the apron.) Please take care as you tread the passageway. (The sound of a clatter is heard off stage as if Mr. Jaryriot has stumbled over some metal dinner plates etc.) The floor has been freshly painted and is somewhat slippery. I have no wish for you to break your neck quite yet. (Falls to his knees holding his stomach.) That will be accomplished for you by the hangman upon your forthcoming trial, conviction, and execution! [Lights down low] (SCENE FIVE) [Dimly lit] (Deep within the bowels of the British Museums. There are two crates lying around. Longnecker and Lady Adamson start the scene.) LADY ADAMSON. We haven't got long to talk. LONGNECKER. Stephanie, I'm leaving London. I want you to come with me. Your husband is working for a syndicate. They murdered Professor Skullion. They murdered Mrs. Mansfield. LADY ADAMSON. That's ridiculous. LONGNECKER. Your husband follows orders from a man called, "Mr. Jaryiot". LADY ADAMSON. Charles is such a liar. Don't let him push you aside, Philip. You're so wonderfully gifted. There's no reason why you can't go straight to the top. LONGNECKER. ...Do you really think so? LADY ADAMSON. You outwitted Sherlock Holmes. LONGNECKER. Sherlock Holmes sent my uncle to prison. LADY ADAMSON. Yes, I remember. LONGNECKER. He never considered what would happen to our family, did he? LADY ADAMSON. He's ruined his own career, one needle at a time. (She indicates that she hears a noise.) That must be Charles with his client. Now, not another word. (Adamson Enters) ADAMSON. Ah, my dear. We're all in luck. My client has arrived. Philip, any fool can sell a priceless treasure, but peddling a worthless reproduction, is an art. (He sits at a desk and peruses a catalogue of the Museum's treasures.) (Alfie and Holmes Enter. Holmes poses as a representative acting for a collector. He speaks with an American accent. Alfie helps Lady Adamson and Longnecker repackage a crate of antiquities, packing them in small boxes or vice versa. Alfie is to the rear but can be clearly seen by Holmes.) ALFIE. Sir Charles. A gentleman to see you, sir. (Goes and helps Lady Adamson repack the crate.) ADAMSON. Mr. Hampson from Vienna I presume. HOLMES. From Berlin. I'm American, but I work the Berlin Museum. ADAMSON. Yes of course. Berlin has acquired the marble bust of Queen Nefertiti. HOLMES. (Alfie pretends he's biting into a sour lime as a signal to Holmes.) I believe it was limestone. ADAMSON. Pardon me. My error. Still, a great pity. HOLMES. Berlin's gain, the British Museum's loss. I trust we can still be allies. ADAMSON. And the very the souls of discretion. Such a tragedy that Ludwig Borchardt could not save Queen Nefertiti's left ear? HOLMES. (Alfie pulls on both his ears, and then the left one as a signal to Holmes. Holmes watches him out of the corner of his eye.) Both ears are damaged, the left ear slightly more than the right. ADAMSON. Quite so. No doubt you have examined The Rosetta Stone, upstairs on the first floor. And to think that it was decoded although much of the hieroglyphics are missing from the base of the slab. ALFIE. (Alfie scratches the top of his head.) HOLMES. Missing from base, yes, if the stone were turned over on its head. ADAMSON. Excellent. We must take precautions you understand. HOLMES. Most prudent. ADAMSON. Now to the point. Who sent you? HOLMES. Mr. Jaryiot. ADAMSON. You have seen him? HOLMES. No, his word is enough. ADAMSON. Indeed. You have interested parties I assume. HOLMES. I have clients from all over the world. But at the moment, I have a difficult pair of gentlemen to satisfy, brothers who own a travelling circus in America. ADAMSON. And whom exactly are we speaking of? HOLMES. Let me just say that their name has a familiar "ring" to it in the circus world. They want something from the Nile. ADAMSON. My dear, what do you suggest? LADY ADAMSON. (Comes over to him and flips through the catalogue. Longnecker and Alfie remain in the background.) Nothing would be more splendid than a vessel created by the royal sculptor from the eighteenth dynasty, a glass fish with the most luminous polychrome. ADAMSON. Or perhaps a mummified cat would be more suitable for a circus. We have several which were brought back by Napoleon Bonaparte. HOLMES. Cats? Fish? My client prefers a king. A Pharaoh. ADAMSON. Hmm. Lord Carnarvon's expedition to the Valley of the Kings has thus far proved somewhat of a disappointment. HOLMES. I will take the fish, and wait for the Pharaoh. How may I be certain of their authenticity? ADAMSON. My good sir, you have my personal assurance. HOLMES. I must have documentation, and the seal of the British Museum. ADAMSON. (He pulls the papers out of a drawer.) HOLMES. With a signing officer's signature. ADAMSON. I must see the funds before resuming further discussion. HOLMES. I trust this will this satisfy you. (Opens his case and closes it quickly) ADAMSON. It shall be counted before you leave. Doctor, if you would be so good. (Philip signs the papers.) I've thoroughly enjoyed doing business with you Mr. Hampson. Please join me upstairs for a drink, after you've finished counting the money with Mr. Trotwood. (Indicates for Hampson to give the money to Alfie. ) Come along my dear. HOLMES. (He hands the money over to Mr. Trotwood) The pleasure is mine. (Exit Adamson, Lady Adamson and Dr. Longnecker) HOLMES. I've never been enamoured of the bowels of the British Museum. (Removes disguise and speaks as Holmes.) It make for a stiffness in the bones. Mr. Jaryiot (laughs). The name is an alias and an anagram. He is within my grasp. (Without concern) Alfie, the money please. (holds out his hand for Alfie to return the money.) ALFIE. (Pulling out his gun on Holmes.) Afraid not. (Sound cue - Low ominous tone with bell tree chimes over top.) MR. JARYRIOT. (Offstage) So good of you to drop in to see me, Mr. Holmes. HOLMES. You conceal yourself in the shadows, sir. Let us see under which rock you have been hiding. [Mirror ball starts lighting effect] MR. JARYRIOT. I also have developed an interest in ancient Egypt, particularly in the Book of the Dead. HOLMES. (Approaches) Alfie, give me the gun. ALFIE. I'm in too deep with them, Mr. Holmes. HOLMES. Alfie, the gun! ALFIE. It's either you or me, Mr. Holmes. The little people always get the blame. MR. JARYRIOT. (Holmes turns his back on Alfie.) Mr. Trotwood feels no guilt or sorrow. It's as if "Sherlock Holmes never lived, therefore can never die". Do it now, Mr. Trotwood. Shoot him straight through the heart. HOLMES. I must pay you a compliment, Mr. Jaryriot. Of all the criminals that have ever challenged me, I can think of no one more deserving, of extinction. (The lights dim and go out as the gun is fired and Holmes falls back.) (Exit Holmes, Alfie) (Sound effect - gun shot with reverberation ---> Sherlock death music1 ---> Harpsichord music) SCENE SIX (Baker Street. Watson plays "Humoreske" very badly on the saxophone, offstage, then walks through the door with the instrument as he hears Alfie knock on the door with his trademark funny knock ). Watson puts the instrument down and answers the door.) (Alfie Enters) WATSON. Alfie! ALFIE. Dr. Watson, I heard a horrible noise coming from these rooms. WATSON. Must have been the plumbing acting up. ALFIE. Any news? WATSON. Scotland Yard has launched a stinging series of arrests. The Network is deserting Mr. Jaryriot like rats leaving a sinking ship. ALFIE. Mr. Holmes' been after him like a bloodhound. WATSON. He's the one masterminding the frauds in the great Museums of Europe. ALFIE. There'll be a rope around his neck yet. (A messenger knocks on the door. Watson answers it and returns with a package.) (Music Cue - Low ominous tone with bell tree chimes over top.) WATSON. (Reads the note on the package) "Special delivery - for Mr. Holmes". ALFIE. Who's it from then? WATSON. Mr. B. Ombsaway. I can't recall the name. ALFIE. Sounds just like, "Bombs-Away". WATSON. Great Scott! Alfie, stand back! (Watson eases the lid off the gift box. Smoke is coming out of a tennis ball. Watson picks it up and runs out the door, quickly returning to toss the ball back to Alfie.) ALFIE. (Alfie runs around with it then tosses it back to Watson saying -) Throw it out the window, throw it out the window!. WATSON. (Takes the ball and runs up to extreme downstage winding up ready to heave it out into the audience.) (Holmes rushes in.) HOLMES. Watson! (Snatches the ball away from Watson and rushes out the exterior door.) "MRS. HUDSON"! (Holmes slowly and calmly Enters. Silent anticipation. Alfie puts his fingers in his ears and cringes. Holmes looks at his watch and gives the all clear sign.) HOLMES. I have trained Mrs. Hudson to deal with such matters. WATSON. What in heaven's name is going on? HOLMES. Judging from the performance of London's police, mankind's evolutionary path seems more accidental than a progressive programme of improvement. Mr. Jaryiot has evaded the whole of Scotland Yard. WATSON. Jaryriot still at large! HOLMES. And in a particularly foul temper. The odds are seven to one that Sir Charles, Lady Adamson, and Dr. Longnecker will end up by sinking into the mud, at the bottom of the Thames River. ALFIE. Stone cold dead. You gave me a fright yourself, Mr. Holmes. Good thing that revolver of yours fired blank cartridges. HOLMES. Remind me to get Mrs. Hudson a new serving tray. (Holmes removes a dented tray from his shirt and gives it to Alfie.) ALFIE. Look at that dent. WATSON. Good Lord! HOLMES. Alfie, it is you who must now vanish. Watson, help me with Alfie's disguise. (They use material at hand - such as the spread on the settee to use as a shawl - to get him into a quick disguise. Holmes gives Alfie a card) Make your way to this address. Seek a woman who goes by the name of Limehouse Annie. You will find her as capable as anyone on the river. In three days time you will emerge from hiding. You will then go immediately to the British Museum. Lord Beardsley intends to reward you for your dedication to the Museum. ALFIE. (In the voice of his disguise character) I'll go straight away. HOLMES. Alfie, I presume you are still interested in the whereabouts of your missing three-legged wooden chair. ALFIE. Where is it then? HOLMES. In the possession of Sir Charles Adamson's gardener. The gardener confided in Lady Adamson about the secret compartment in the chair. It gave her the idea of how to conceal the Plateau Man specimens in the display table. WATSON. Corpus delicti. HOLMES. I shouldn't think it too difficult to arrange the return of your chair, Alfie. He has sustained heavy losses betting on, "Toss and Tumble". ALFIE. God bless you Mr. Holmes. (Exit Alfie.) HOLMES. Where is my violin, Watson? WATSON. I hid it under the settee (finds the violin and gives it to Holmes). HOLMES. I should like to join you at the concert tonight. WATSON. (Searches for the symphony advertisement.) HOLMES. The symphony advertisement is plainly visible in your jacket pocket. WATSON. (Taking out the advertisement and shakes his head) Bravo Holmes. You seem to have regained your old self. HOLMES. I must join you in disguise. I have rather inconvenienced, Mr. Jaryriot. You go on ahead. I will follow. If you don't see me anywhere, that is exactly what you should expect to see. WATSON. Take care Holmes. Couldn't give me a hint on your disguise, just this once? HOLMES. I could be, anyone To be myself, I must play the part of someone else. WATSON. And what part do I play? HOLMES. You, my dear fellow, play the part of a writer, (plucks a string of the violin) a creator of fiction. WATSON. Fiction? HOLMES. Watson, you know how I feel about your written accounts sensationalising my very serious work as a consulting detective (puts the violin down). WATSON. But Holmes, all I've done is faithfully record the details of our adventures together. HOLMES. That is the problem, my very dear Watson.. (Holmes pats him on the shoulder) (Watson Exits) HOLMES. Accidents have the face of God, but the hand of man. (Holmes picks up his violin and bows the open strings. Puts the instrument down upon hearing the Sound Cue) (Sound cue - Low ominous tone with bell tree chimes over top.) (The tennis ball bounces onto the set. Sherlock picks it up, examines it briefly and puts it in his pocket.) HOLMES. It take it that you have something to communicate to me, Dr. Conan Doyle. CONAN DOYLE. That is not the story I would have told. HOLMES. I have my own methods. CONAN DOYLE. Then perhaps you would be good enough to enlighten me on a few details. HOLMES. Such as? CONAN DOYLE. How you found out about the corruption. HOLMES. Of The Plateau Man or the British Museum? CONAN DOYLE. The Museum, if you please. HOLMES. Elementary. By virtue of scientific accomplishment alone, Professor Skullion should have risen to the top of the British Museum. It was not to be. Revenge boiled in his soul. He shot an arrow into a chink of the Museum's armour. CONAN DOYLE. Professor Skullion created the Plateau Man forgery to make a fool out of Sir Charles. HOLMES. You're catching on. Do you remember Alfie Trotwood's story about "the old gent with the big nose?" Mrs. Mansfield called him, "the professor". That was Professor Skullion. It was not unusual for him to browse among various speciality shops selling old bones, fossils and rocks. Thus he came across Mrs. Mansfield's shop in Whitechapel. It was there that he noticed some of the fossils and old chairs shared the exact same colour. Van Dyke Brown paint. She would change the colour of her wares to satisfy the whims of her customers. They became friends, and accomplices. Together they worked out the details of the Plateau Man fraud. CONAN DOYLE. That's why you asked for "reddish brown" greenstone. HOLMES. Precisely. A thread connecting people and events begins to appear. Do you follow? CONAN DOYLE. Not yet. Please continue. HOLMES. Professor Skullion paid Mrs. Mansfield to help him plant the fakes in the gravel pit. It was not difficult to arrange for Sir Charles to make the discovery. The Plateau Man made headlines around the world. The directorship of the British Museum was now in his grasp. CONAN DOYLE. Why did Watson give you the knife in the prison? HOLMES. Picklocks. Alfie gave the knife upon his retirement from his life of thievery. Thus I made my escape from prison and convinced Lord Beardsley of the treachery of Sir Charles. CONAN DOYLE. How you are able to do such things is beyond me. HOLMES. Dr. Conan Doyle, if I told you everything, where would I be? There can be but one "Sherlock Holmes". CONAN DOYLE. If I were a critic I would say you cobbled together some intriguing threads of a story, but you seem to run out of steam. Let me show you how its done. I've just written a story for you, very near my best. It's called "THE FINAL PROBLEM". You will be burned out of house and home by a superior aggressor, of a type similar to Mr. Jaryriot. He will chase you all the way to Switzerland to a high precipice overlooking the terrible Reichenbach Falls. Locked in each others arms, you will struggle in personal combat. Together you will reel back falling over the edge into the chasm. HOLMES. Do I know the man? CONAN DOYLE. You will. An ex-professor of mathematical celebrity. HOLMES. May I ask his name. CONAN DOYLE. I leave that to your invention. It's time for us to make our exits. I'm afraid that in the pleasure of this conversation I am neglecting business of importance which awaits me elsewhere. Good bye, Mr. Sherlock Holmes. HOLMES. (Silence. Takes the ball out of his pocket and gives it a look..) (As Holmes ponders this, projected on a backdrop, first the name - "Mr. Jaryriot", then an additional overlay of - "J. Moriarty", then . just - "J. Moriarty" - which is the anagram - then fading out.) (A knock on the door) SHERLOCK. Come in, Professor Moriarty! (Extreme downstage Holmes winds up ready to hurl the ball out into the audience.) (Blackout as Holmes' arm goes down to throw the ball. Exit Holmes.) (Alfie sings reprise of Sherlock Holmes Song:) Out of the fog, there came, a man, a brilliant thinker and logician, The methods of his strange profession, fiction, fact romance, Address Two, Twenty One B Baker Street London. Go and see him at his lodgings, tell your story, tell your problems, To the man we all should know as Mr. Sherlock Holmes. In the whole of London, you will find no equal in deduction, Arthur Conan Doyle thus named him Mr. Sherlock Holmes. [Blackout] (Final Curtain) (After Show Music - Tchaik 4th Sym.)