SLY, THE FLY AND THE EVIL GUY A Play for all ages loosely adapted from a Vietnamese folktale by Marcel Anaclato Nunis Copyright Marcel Nunis 1989 April 1989 Revised January 1992 Cast of Characters SLY - our hero THE EVIL GUY - an adult PETER - another adult THE JUDGE - the traveling kungfu justice DAD (SILAS) SAM - the narrator ZEB NED MELBA - no one messes with her SLY, THE FLY AND THE EVIL GUY (Enter the cast to upbeat Cajun music and a matching attitude. They take their positions on stage and freeze. Enter Sam.) SAM Hi,.. this is the story of Sly, the fly and the evil guy! My name is Sam. And I'm here to tell you this story. Why? Because I can do this... (Snap! All action freezes on stage.)... Believe me it comes in real handy sometimes. (Snap! action resumes.) Anyway, it all began on a sunny day in May....just like this one...and the market place was bustling with people going about their business. (Snap) NED Zeb! ZEB Ned! NED I got here some milk Zeb. ZEB Well, I got here some bread Ned. NED I was looking for a cow Zeb... but I could use that bread. ZEB I was looking for some eggs Ned... but I could use some milk. NED Wanna trade Zeb? ZEB Sure, I'll trade Ned. (Snap) SAM Strange as it was... folks were happy the with the way business worked in this town... that is, they were happy until things got complicated. (Snap) DAD I've got a cow to trade Melba. What do you have? MELBA I've got a dozen eggs here, Silas. DAD Well, that just don't seem too fair... trading a whole cow for a dozen eggs. Besides, I came here to get some bread. MELBA Well, I don't want a whole cow either. Tell you what... I'll trade you a dozen eggs for one leg. DAD A dozen eggs? Well, that sounds fair... Wait a minute...one leg? Why, that would leave me with a three legged cow! MELBA And a dozen eggs. DAD But what would I do with a three legged cow? MELBA Maybe you could trade the three other legs for some bread. DAD Meaning no disrespect Melba... but that's the stupidest darn thing I ever heard. MELBA Oh yeah? DAD Yeah! (Snap) SAM Now, I could have solved this problem like that (Snap! unfreezing Melba, " Why I'll show you..." Snap! In the nick of time freezing the action again.) But it would mean a whole different story. So, let me introduce someone whose name is actually in the title. (Going to Sly.) This is Sly...say hi to the folks out there . (Snap) SLY (To the audience.) Hi, I'm Sly! SAM Now, Sly was a bit of a wiz in this town. DAD Yup, my son's a genuine genius... SAM In fact, lets run this scene back a little and you'll see what I mean. (Snap! Reverse action.) Action! (Snap! Action begins again.) DAD Meaning no disrespect Melba... but that is the stupidest darn thing I've ever heard. MELBA Oh Yeah? DAD Yeah! MELBA (Winding up to punch Dad's lights out.) Why I'll show you... (Zeb and Ned hold Melba back.) ZEB Melba maybe we should wait for the judge to settle this. NED Yup, the judge is due here at the end of the month, you know. MELBA A whole month? Just let me at him... ZEB Sly, you better do something before your father gets the bejeebers kicked out of him. NED Yup, Melba can do some pretty sorry damage when she puts her mind to it. SLY I think I can solve this! (Snap) SAM Watch...This part is really good... (Snap) SLY (Going to Ned and Zeb) Will you trade back the bread and the milk? NED Zeb? ZEB Sure, anything to save Silas from getting beat up. (Giving Ned the milk.) Here's your milk Ned. NED Thank you kindly, Zeb....and here's your bread. MELBA But that leaves us right back where we began, Sly. SLY That's right... (Snap) SAM Here it comes... this is really, really good... MELBA (Grabbing Sam.) Will you stop that snapping thing? It's getting to be real annoying. SAM Anything you say Melba. Anyway, Sly was about to solve the problem. SLY You see, Dad really came here to get the bread that Zeb has, but Ned wants the cow that Dad has, and Melba wants the milk that Ned has, and Zeb wants the eggs that Melba has. CAST Uh huh... SLY Now if Dad trades the cow for the bread,(Zeb) then Ned can trade the milk for the cow. (Ned) Then Zeb, who now has the milk, will be able to trade with Melba for the eggs. CAST Uh huh... SLY That way,...Dad will get the bread, Ned will get the cow, Zeb will get the eggs and Melba will get the milk. CAST Uh huh... SLY That way, everyone will get what they want. (Pause) CAST Uh huh. (Pause) SLY You all get it, don't you? CAST Yeah!... That's right...that solves everything! DAD Yup, that's my boy! SAM Pretty impressive, huh? DAD He's a genuine genius, you know? SAM I told you it was gonna be good. MELBA Excuse me Sly,... but could you run that by us again? SAM But then again, these were simple folk. NED And could you do it a little slower this time? ZEB With diagrams? SAM And frankly, if they figured it out... the story would have ended right here. So as it was, Sly had to explain to everybody, one more time, slowly, and with diagrams... how the whole caboodle worked... and that is when, trouble, blew in to town. (TAH, DA, DAA) (Enter the Evil Guy and Peter.) GUY Excuse moi, but I may have an easier solution. CAST You do? PETER Oh, you bet he do... (Peter and Guy laugh) SAM But, these two were trouble with a capital T,.. (Peter and Guy laugh.) And no-one in town had the slightest clue! (Peter and Guy laugh). But you do! (Peter and Guy laugh.) So every time they laugh... you have my permission to boo! (Peter and Guy laugh.) Like now! GUY Alright! Enough! (Shaking hands with Zeb) Let me introduce myself... I am Guy and this is Peter. NED Excuse me mister, but did you just say that you have an easier way to solve this here problem? GUY Oh yes. In fact, my associate and I just happen to... SLY But mister, according to this diagram, all we have to do is ... GUY Young Man, that is very nice, but I have something a little more important than a... silly little diagram. Now where was I? PETER Well Guy, we were about to explain... SLY But, all we have to do is... GUY Now, now,... little boys should be seen and not heard. SAM Don't you just hate him? GUY As I was saying... we can solve your problem and make sure it never happens again. In fact, the solution is in this bag, right here. CAST You don't say! PETER He do say! GUY And it's something called... money. CAST Money? PETER Yeah, money. Just like he said...money! NED Well, what in the George Roy Hill is money? GUY Peter, show the good people what's in the bag. PETER Feast your eyes!!! (Everyone looks in the bag.) CAST OOOH! AAAHHH! Wowzie, Wow, Wow! (Snap) SAM Actually, it was a bag of beans. (Snap) MELBA Looks like a bunch of beans to me! (Snap) SAM See, what I mean? But, Guy began telling them how money worked. He told them how to buy things... CAST Oooooh! SAM How to sell things... CAST Aaahhh! SAM And how something like a three legged cow would never be a problem, ever again! CAST WOW! SAM And they were really impressed! CAST OOOHHH, AAAAHHH, WOW! NED So how do we get this money stuff? ZEB Yeah, it sure would make things around here a lot easier! GUY Well, being the kind and generous soul that I am... I shall loan you these money beans and you can pay me back at the end of the month. What do you think? ZEB That sounds good to me. NED It sure is a lot simpler than these diagrams. GUY Now if you will put your thumbprint on this piece of paper, you can each have a handful of beans... I mean, money. MELBA Me first! (Everyone rushes to get some beans then exits.) (Snap) SAM But, that was a big mistake... (TAH,DA,DAA) (Snap) GUY Now Peter, we shall put our diabolical plan into action! (Peter and Guy laugh) PETER What plan Guy? GUY You numskull! The plan to steal the beans back! PETER Oh yeah... steal the beans... (Laughs. Stops.) But why are we doing that Guy? GUY Because then there won't be enough beans at the end of the month. PETER Ok, Ok... GUY And if they can't pay us back... according to this contract, which they didn't read, we will get everything they own. PETER Yeah, yeah...Ok... GUY Then, my dim witted friend... this entire town will be ours...ours, for a hill of beans! (Guy laughs.) PETER A hill of beans! (Laughs with Guy. Stops.) Well actually this town will be ours...ours for a bag of beans!!! (Peter laughs!) GUY What? PETER A bag of beans. GUY A bag of beans? PETER Yes, I mean a hill of beans would be a lot of beans....many bags...we only have one bag ...of beans....this one...so...we actually get it for less! A whole town for a bag of beans! (Peter laughs.) GUY Oh, shuttup! PETER But Guy... GUY The hill of beans was a romantic metaphor, idiot! PETER Oh. (Exit Peter and Guy) SAM Anyway, because of the beans, business in the marketplace was a little different the next day. (Enter Zeb and Ned.) NED (Holding out the beans.) What can I get for 10 money beans, Zeb? ZEB Oh, 2 loaves of bread, Ned! They're 5 money beans a piece. NED Well, I'll take two loaves then, Zeb. (Enter Guy and Peter.) SAM But, Guy and Peter were also there and up to no good. GUY (Arms around Ned and Zeb.) And how are we doing on this fine day? (During the following, Peter is stealing out of Ned's outstretched hand.) NED Mighty fine, Mr. Guy. ZEB Couldn't be better, Mr. Guy. These money beans sure work like a charm. NED Things are a lot less complicated around here because of them. ZEB Sure are! GUY Good! Good! Glad to hear it. Well, see you later! NED AND ZEB Bye, Mr. Guy! NED Here's 10 money beans for that bread, Zeb! ZEB But there's only 5 money beans there, Ned. NED Funny, I thought I had 10. (Peter and Guy laugh off stage.) SAM Well, the month went by pretty fast...(Enter everybody rushing around the stage in a frenzy.) and soon it was time to pay back the loan. GUY Time to pay up, folks! ZEB I would Mr. Guy, but I don't have any. NED Neither do I, Mr.Guy. MELBA Yup, for some strange reason, those money beans kept disappearing on us. SAM We know why, don't we? GUY Well, that's just too bad. PETER Baddy, bad, bad... GUY Each of you has a thumbprint on this piece of paper... and do you know what it says? CAST No. PETER Tell them Guy, tell them! GUY If you don't pay back each and every money bean you owe us by tomorrow... we will have to take everything you own! PETER Yes, we'll own the entire town for...for a hill of beans!!(Guy and Peter laugh.) CAST Oh, no! You're so evil Mr. Guy! (Peter and Guy laugh) NED Wait a minute... GUY What? NED You only had one bag of beans when you blew into town. ZEB Yup, so what's all this talk about a hill of beans then? PETER It's a metaphor! ZEB & NED A what? GUY A hill of beans is a metaphor! PETER Yeah! GUY Don't you people have any sense of romance? ZEB Not with beans, we don't. MELBA Look, I don't care about metaphors or romance. All I'm going to say is you can't take away everything we worked hard for. PETER Oh yes we can! GUY I'm afraid he's right Melba. Even the judge who's coming to town tomorrow will agree that this is perfectly legal. PETER I told you so, I told you so. (She kicks Peter.) MELBA Next time pick on someone your own size. (She storms off. Exit the rest of the townfolk.) GUY Lets go Peter,.. lets inform everybody of our good fortune... and their misfortune! (Peter and Guy laugh and exit.) SAM Meanwhile, Sly... you remember Sly don't you? His name is in the title... (Enter Sly) ...him? This story is about him, you know? Well, Sly was alone at home when the Evil Guy and Peter came around with the news. (Enter Guy and Peter.) GUY Hey, waddaya know... it's the wiz kid! Where are your parents kid? (Sly is silent) Hey kid, I'm asking you a question. PETER Listen kiddo, when Mr. Guy asks... you better answer. GUY I'd take his advice if I were you. Now where are your parents? (Sly is silent.) Look, I don't have time for this... read my lips... where are your parents? (Sly looks up and hands Guy a note.) What? Is this... another one of your famous diagrams? PETER It's a note! GUY I can see it's a note. PETER What does it say, Guy? GUY (Reading.) Little boys should be seen and not heard! Oh a wise guy huh? PETER (Laughing) He got you there Guy! He really got you! GUY Quiet, You Knucklehead! PETER Sorry Guy! GUY Listen very carefully, if you don't tell me where your parents are... we'll burn your house down. PETER Yeah! GUY We've got nothing to lose,... by this time tomorrow, we'll own it anyway. PETER You tell him Guy....you tell him! SLY I'll tell you where they are. GUY Now, that's a good boy... so, where are they? SLY My father has gone to cut down live trees so that he can plant dead trees, and my mother has gone to sell the sun so that she can buy the moon. PETER What did he say? Cutting live trees to plant dead ones... selling the Sun to buy the Moon? SLY It's the truth! PETER Really????!!!! Wow! You hear that Guy? GUY Peter, sit! (Peter sits.) Now son, you're a smart kid and I like you... I really do. Tell you what... Tell me where your parents really are...and I'll forget about the money they owe me. Waddaya say kid. Is it a deal? SLY Will you really do that? GUY Oh, yes... of course! SLY How can I trust you to keep your word? GUY We'll get a witness... Peter will be our witness, won't you? PETER Sure, Guy... anything you say! SLY I don't think that's a good idea. GUY Well, I don't see anybody else around, do you? You don't have much of a choice kid! SLY (Spotting the fly sitting on a pole.) What about this fly? GUY What fly? SLY This one sitting on the pole! He can be our witness. PETER Oh yeah I see it. GUY A fly huh? O.K... you drive a hard bargain but O.K. That fly can be our witness. Well... what do we do now? SLY We have to tell the fly what it's witnessing, don't we? GUY Oh yes, of course... Listen carefully Mr. Fly,... If he tells me where his parents really are... I promise to forget all about the money they owe me... and they won't have to pay me back ever again. SLY What about the house? GUY And I also promise not to take their home and belongings away... you got that Mr . Fly? Good! I've done my part,... now it's your turn. SLY My father has gone to cut some trees so that he can build a fence. GUY Cutting live trees to plant dead ones... SLY And my mother has gone to sell sunflowers so that she can buy some candles. GUY Selling the sun to buy the moon. Yes, that's a very clever use of metaphors. PETER Metaphors? Hey kid, have you heard about this bean thing? GUY Peter! PETER Never mind. SLY Now you will keep your promise, won't you? GUY Of course I will! The fly heard it all. SLY Well, then I'll go tell my parents the good news. (Exit) GUY Bye now! PETER That's one smart kid Guy! (Taking out a fly swat.) GUY But not smart enough Peter! He actually got a fly to be his witness! (They laugh .) PETER Shall I anyway? Just in case. GUY Sure. (SWAT) GUY You clumsy oaf! You missed!!! After it!!! (Exit Guy and Peter---Enter Judge and town-folk.) SAM When the judge came into town the next day everyone was happy to see her. (YEHHH H) They figured that she would be able to sort out this mess and things would get back to normal. (Enter Guy & Peter) But then, the mood changed when Guy and Peter showed up (BOO) NED These are the no good vermin we were telling you about your honor! GUY Well, your honor, this contract will explain everything. (Hands the contract over.) CAST BOO! GO HOME! NO! VERMIN! JUDGE QUIET! CAST BUT HE WAS... THAT'S RIGHT... NO GOOD VERMIN... JUDGE (Doing a short but impressive display of karate moves.) I said quiet. CAST Okey Dokey! SAM But no one messed with the judge. Rumor had it she had a black belt in karate. JUDGE Are these your thumbprints? CAST Yup! JUDGE And did he give you each a handful of beans? CAST Yup! JUDGE And did you pay it back? CAST Nope. JUDGE Hmmm. Then I'm sad to say that Mr. Guy has the legal right to take over everything you own. CAST AAWWW! GUY Thank you, your honor. I would just like to say... SLY But Mr. Guy... you made me a promise. GUY Excuse me? SLY You said yesterday that if I told you where my parents were... we would not have to pay you back. JUDGE Did you say that? PETER Well, your honor... GUY Shuttup! I said no such thing your honor. In fact, I never even saw this boy yesterday. SLY Yes, you did! GUY Says who? SLY Says me! GUY Your honor, really... DAD If my son says he did... then he did! Your honor, he's a genius, you know. GUY The boy is obviously lying your honor! SLY No, I'm not. DAD My son has never lied a day in his life. He may be a genius...but he's an honest one! GUY If you can prove that I even talked to you yesterday... then I will gladly tear up this contract. JUDGE Does that mean that nobody here will owe you anything, Mr. Guy? GUY That's correct your honor. JUDGE They will owe you nothing? GUY Nothing, your honor. JUDGE Very well, Sly, can you prove what you just said? DAD Go ahead son...I've got faith in you. SLY I can your honor...I had a witness! CAST YEHHH! DAD Witness, See? Told you he's a genius! JUDGE Order! Is this witness here? SLY He may be your honor. GUY Yeah, I'm sure he is. JUDGE Who was this witness Sly? SLY Well your honor... this witness was a fly. CAST A FLY? Oh No! DAD Son, I just want you to know that even though you have just lost your cotton pickin mind, I still love you. (Guy laughs) JUDGE Did you say a fly? SLY Yes, this fly had landed on Mr. Guy's nose and... GUY That's a lie your honor,.. there was no fly on my nose! SLY Yes, there was! GUY Yeah, right kid! JUDGE So this boy tells the truth? SLY Yes, your honor! GUY No! What I meant to say was... SLY Yes, there was a fly on your big ugly nose. GUY Was not! SLY Was too! GUY Was not! Was not! SLY Was too! Was too! JUDGE By the pecs of Jean-Claude Van Damme, was this fly on your nose or not Mr. Guy? GUY No, it wasn't! SLY Yes, it was. GUY No, it wasn't, you little creep! SLY Takes one to know one. GUY Oh, yeah... JUDGE You're trying my patience Mr. Guy! GUY Your honor. The fly was not on my nose it was on a pole... wasn't it Peter! PETER That's right Guy... the fly was on the pole! GUY See, that proves it! JUDGE Good, and when did you see this fly? SLY Yeah, when did you? GUY Yesterday when I... er... when we... (Pause) Oh no, what have I done? PETER Yesterday, when we spoke to the kid....at his house! GUY Peter! You knucklehead! PETER What?!! JUDGE Mr. Guy! GUY Yes? JUDGE It is my understanding that the conversation this boy spoke of actually happened . (Tearing up the contract.) As such, you have lost and you have only 10 seconds to get out of town or as the great spirit of Bruce Lee is my witness, I will personally throw you in jail! GUY But your honor... JUDGE 1... 2... 3... GUY Foiled! Come on Peter! CAST YEHHHH! SAM And so Guy and Peter left and never darkened the town with their presence ever again. Sly had saved the town and would continue to do so...for many years to come. DAD That's my boy! He's a genius, you know? CURTAIN