TOWNIES By Emma Hyde and Mark Bennett A CAR TRAVELS ON A LONELY COUNTRY ROAD LATE AT NIGHT. THERE IS DARKNESS AND A THICK FOG. THE DRIVER IS A MAN IN HIS EARLY THIRTIES, CASUALLY BUT SMARTLY DRESSED. THE PASSENGER IS A WOMAN IN HER MID TWENTIES, ALSO CASUALLY BUT SMARTLY DRESSED. ANDY: You are totally sure we're in the right area? CAROL: (SHE LOOKS AT THE MAP.) Well no. I'm not really. ANDY: But you just said it was. CAROL: I was wrong, sorry. ANDY: So we're in the middle of nowhere on a Friday night, running short on petrol, water, and cigarettes. And worst of all needing a toilet that has a seat and walls and doesn't require the balance of a cossack dancer to use it properly. CAROL FOLDS UP THE MAP AND SAYS NOTHING. What a nightmare. CAROL: It was your idea to come looking around this particular area, not mine. I don't even enjoy metal detecting. It's boring if you ask me. ANDY: Metal detecting is a modern very high impact sport requiring a lot of technology and skill. I've just been unlucky that's all. I didn't know it was Ministry of Defence land. CAROL: (LAUGHS) You thought it was a Celtic plaque and it was a 1914 mine Andy. ANDY: You can scoff. I wish Lawrence was here. Man cannot live by pretty woman alone. CAROL: Oh and don't I know it. ANDY: Steady on now Carol. I'm not going into that again. CAROL: I'd almost forgotten about your best friend, golfing partner and part time lodger rolled into one. ANDY: Your boss is always your best chum. He's the greatest guy in the world as far as I'm concerned. CAROL: He can have his map back. SHE THROWS THE MAP ONTO THE BACKSEAT. A FAINT LIGHT BEGINS TO SHOW IN THE DISTANCE. CAROL: Can you see that? ANDY: What? CAROL: I think it's a house. Wait a minute. I think we're in luck - it's a hotel. ANDY: It's a pub as well, great, a chance to talk to the locals about their great cultural Celtic history of wearing long white dresses and eating people. I can inquire about a few sites. This area's very rich in history. --------------- IT IS STILL MILDLY FOGGY OUTSIDE AS THEY GET OUT OF THE CAR INTO THE PUB CAR PARK. CAROL: I don't like it very much. ANDY: Why? It's OK. CAROL: Look up there for a start. A GALLOWS AND NOOSE HANGS OVER AN UNLIT BONFIRE WITH PILLORY STOCKS ADJACENT. ANDY: Oh nonsense. That's just there to fleece American tourists. Anyway, they only burn virgins so your luck ran out about fifteen years ago. CAROL LOOKS ONLY TWENTY FIVE. SHE PUSHES HIM JOKINGLY. CAROL: Can't we just try somewhere else? ANDY: There isn't anywhere else. CAROL: It's not even on the map. ANDY: It should be, oh come on Carol. It's nice to get away from the city for a while. We can relax a bit, put our feet up, hot cocoa, friendly locals, sample a little village gossip, see who's crops have failed this year. Yes! CAROL: Just for one then. ANDY: I can fit in two while you go the toilet. --------------- THEY WALK IN AND THE CHATTER INSIDE CHANGES TO A HUSHED SILENCE. THE CLOCK STRIKES AND SHOWS NINE. THERE ARE SEVERAL ODD REGULARS WHO ARE NOW ALL STARING OR WHISPERING TO THEMSELVES. MORBID MUSIC IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. ANDY: There you are. I told you it would be really friendly. LANDLORD: >From the city sir? ANDY: Yes - just passing through, a pint of lager and a tomato juice for my wife please. CAROL POINTS TO THE TOILET AND WALKS OFF. LANDLORD: That's yer missus then? ANDY: Yes. LANDLORD: You must be rich to have a purty little thing like thaat, wi' yer looks. ANDY: (JOKING) Ha ha ha. You're a bit of a joker, you country landlords. I don't know eh. It's not my money that keeps her with me if you know what I mean. LANDLORD: Well what is it then? ANDY: Well it's...never mind, it doesn't matter. It was just a golfing joke. LANDLORD: Golfing? What on earth is 'golfing'? ANDY: It's a game where you hit a ball with a stick. BRAWN: 'ere this 'un hits balls with a stick. ALL THE REGULARS LAUGH. ANDY: Ahem er were you aware that you live in a very interesting area. THERE IS NO ANSWER AS THE LANDLORD POURS THE DRINKS. Do you erm tend to get much custom then? LANDLORD: Not from townies. ANDY: Townies? LANDLORD: Aye townies, concrete bunnies, suited jessies, city folk like yerself Mr. Smith. ANDY: That's amazing. How do you know my name? LANDLORD: I don't sir. ANDY: But you just said it. LANDLORD: Oh ho ho ho, crust my cowpats. We call all city folks Smith round 'ere ho ho ho, 'ere Johannum, Nathaniel - this townie 'ere's called Smith. ALL THE REGULARS BURST OUT LAUGHING. REGULARS: Smith ha ha ha. ANDY: Ha ha ha, I'm glad we all seem to be getting along well - at my expense. THE LANDLORD HOLDS UP HIS ARMS AND ALL ARE SUDDENLY SILENT. ANDY: Well erm, Is it nice to live around here? LANDLORD: Might be, might not ANDY: Erm did you know your area is of some historical interest? LANDLORD: Interest? ANDY: Yes! LANDLORD: Historical interest? ANDY: Yes, history's my hobby you see. LANDLORD: Hmmm you think this place is of some historical interest? ANDY: (ANGRY) Yes! LANDLORD: Oh ANDY: My own favourite interest is Celtic history. THERE IS A STUNNED SILENCE FROM THE REGULARS. LANDLORD: Did you say Celtic? ALL THE REGULARS ARE WHISPERING WITH BAITED BREATH. CAROL COMES OVER SENSING THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG. CAROL: How much for the drinks? LANDLORD: Five pounds. CAROL:ANDY: Five pounds! LANDLORD: Yes it's happy hour. CAROL: It is for you. CAROL PAYS THE LANDLORD. LANDLORD: Plus fifty pence VAT. Thanking 'e. --------------- ANDY AND CAROL SIT DOWN IN THE CORNER. ANDY: I wish you hadn't spent so long in the toilet. CAROL: There isn't any toilet paper. ANDY: So that's why they all wear brown trousers. ANDY SIPS THE LAGER. HE PULLS HIS FACE urgh. ANDY PUTS HIS PINT DOWN AND IT FROTHS AND BOILS OVER. ALL THE LOCALS LOOK. Nice lager ha ha ha, put hairs on my chest ha ha ha, and take them off my wife's ha ha ha. THE REGULARS JUST LOOK AT ANDY IN SILENCE CAROL: That was nice of you. ANDY: Sorry Carol. I was just trying to make conversation with them that's all. CAROL: I wouldn't bother. This place is weird. I mean, whoever painted strange pictures like that. ANDY AND CAROL LOOK AT THE WALL. THERE IS AN ASSORTMENT OF PICTURES WITH HORRIFFIC SCENES. There's nobody young here either, no teenagers. ANDY: They're probably out for a rumble in their tractors or playing 'catch the pitchfork Granny'. Anyway there's a girl over there and a young boy. They look normal enough, in a strange kind of way. CAROL: They don't look very normal to me. ANDY: What on earth are they playing? CAROL: Bar skittles. ANDY: Bar what? Is that what you play when there's no fruit machines? CAROL LIFTS HER DRINK TO HER MOUTH. AN OLD MAN (NATHANIEL) SHUFFLES PAST AND BELCHES. SHE IMMEDIATELY PUTS HER DRINK BACK DOWN AGAIN. CAROL: Can we leave as soon as possible? ANDY: Yes of course. Don't worry love. We'll be out of here as soon as I've finished this. We'll get to some nice hotel in time to celebrate our anniversary in style, not here ANDY LEANS ACROSS AND KISSES CAROL GENTLY ON THE CHEEK. THEN REACHES FOR HIS DRINK AND SIPS IT WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT BOY: Can I have my ball back please? ANDY: Of course you can young man. Where is it? BOY: In your drink. ANDY: Oh yes, (TAKES THE BALL OUT) so it is. Sorry it's drenched in lager. ANDY TAKES ANOTHER MOUTHFULL OF HIS LAGER BOY: (GRINNING) That's all right it's landed in quite a few things today. ANDY SPLUTTERS INTO HIS DRINK. THE BOY STILL STANDS THERE. ANDY: You know sonny you fondly remind me of when I was a little lad who used to annoy adults when they wanted to be left alone. THE BOY STILL STANDS THERE SCRATCHING HIS HEAD AND STARING AT THEM. Are you a sporty chap then? Play any other games? BOY: No but if you wanna talk about sport you wanna ask Nathaniel over there. 'is brother Amos plays lots of football and he's good at it too. You wanna 'ave a chat to Nathaniel. No one talks to 'im much. ANDY LOOKS OVER. NATHANIEL IS AN OLD MAN SAT IN THE CORNER AND MUMBLING TO HIMSELF. ANDY: Oh really, charming. I'm fine honestly. BOY: 'ere Nat - townie wants a chat with yer. NATHANIEL STARTS TO SHUFFLE OVER ANDY: (QUIETLY) Hi there Nat. How's Amos' football. NATHANIEL: Paaardon. ANDY: I said Amos, play football does he? NATHANIEL: Speak up young 'un. ANDY: (VERY LOUD, SO THAT EVERYBODY HEARS) How's Amos' football playing? I've heard he's really good, kicks a ball around all day so I heard, a real football wizard ha ha ha. THERE IS A GRIM SILENCE AND MUMBLING FROM THE REGULARS NATHANIEL: My Amos had his leg off last week. ANDY SEES THE BOY RUN OUT OF THE DOOR GRINNING. ANDY: Does he play in goal then? ha ha...... ANDY GULPS AS A LARGE MAN WALKS OVER. BRAWN: You makin' fun of an old man like Nathaniel? ANDY: It was the boy. BRAWN: What boy? ANDY: The one that's just run out of the door before I brain him. BRAWN: I'll brain thee townie. THE LARGE MAN MOVES TOWARDS ANDY. CAROL MOVES INBETWEEN THEM. CAROL: (ANGRY) Now look here... THE LANDLORD SUDDENLY APPEARS. LANDLORD: Now, now, now what seems to be the problem Brawn? BRAWN: This 'un 'ere is pokin' fun. ANDY: It was a misunderstanding. BRAWN: I'll 'ave thou's giblets townie. LANDLORD: Now, now I think we can sort this out without resorting to the stocks can't we lads. You buy a round Mr. Townie and it's all forgotten about. ANDY: (HE LOOKS AT ALL THEIR HOPEFUL FACES.) OK. THERE IS CHEERS FROM ALL THE REGULARS. --------------- ANDY OPENS HIS WALLET AT THE BAR. HE IS SURROUNDED BY BUSTLING REGULARS. NATHANIEL: Can I just say that despite everyone thinkin' yer a woolly wufta. I think yer all right. ANDY: Thank you very much Nathaniel. I'm very flattered. BOY: Vodka please. ANDY: Sorry sonny, you're too young to drink. BOY: I's not. ANDY: (QUIETLY) Well let me put it another way - piss off and go and play with your skittles. BOY: Dad, Dad. LANDLORD: What is it sweetbud? ANDY: (LOUD AND SMILING) Oh hello sonny. I didn't see you there. Would you like a drink? BOY: No I'd like two. ANDY: Ha ha ha. That's fine my little chum. You know my pockets have an endless bottom. ANDY SEES A YOUNG GIRL. SHE LOOKS AT HIM WITH A LONG FACE. I suppose you'd like a drink too would you? GIRL: No. ANDY: You can if you want, although I would like to stress I can't really afford it. So then .. ANDY STARTS CASUALLY TALKING TO THE GIRL. --------------- THE LANDLORD GOES TO THE CORNER OF THE BAR AND SNEAKILY OPENS A DRAWER. HE LOOKS ALL AROUND HIM BEFORE SLIDING SOME CASH IN DISCREETLY. ANDY SEES HIM. --------------- CAROL GOES OVER TO THE YOUNG BOY. CAROL: Hello there young man. THE BOY SAYS NOTHING. HE HAS A MEAN LOOK ON HIS FACE. I suppose you wonder what I do don't you? BOY: No! (HE KNOCKS HIS VODKA BACK) CAROL: I'm a psychologist, and all my training tells me you shouldn't really be drinking at your age. BOY: I 'ate psychologists. CAROL: Why? BOY: Because I dunno what one is. CAROL: What's that you're playing with in your hand? BOY: It's my action Obadiah. I've been hangin' im, like they used to do to townies hur hur hur. CAROL: Look we have tried to be nice to you. So why can't you just be nice to us? Why be so horrible? BOY: 'cos it's more fun hur hur hur. CAROL STARTS TO BECOME ANGRY. CAROL: I can be fun too you know. BOY: Why gonna let me look up you skirt? CAROL: No, but I could show you something a young man like you would really like, lots of rotting flesh. Would you like to see it? BOY: Yeah, yeah, yeah. CAROL: Then look at the mirror at your teeth. THE BOY STARTS TO CRY AND THEN RUNS OFF. --------------- ANDY WALKS OVER TO CAROL. HE IS BEING FOLLOWED BY THE GIRL. ANDY: Everything OK darling? CAROL: Not really! THE GIRL SITS DOWN WITH THEM. ANDY: Oh do join us please. CAROL: Andy! ANDY: Yes dearest. CAROL: Aren't you going to introduce us ANDY: Carol, This is another lady who's also deeply unhappy. CAROL: Why are you miserable dear? GIRL: They're keeping me here against my will. I'm a slave. CAROL: You're a slave? But that's impossible. GIRL: That's what I thought, once a long long time ago. I have to work my fingers to the bone, all day, everyday. CAROL: And you can't leave. GIRL: I'll never ever be able to leave, never ever. CAROL: Haven't you got any friends? Nobody to talk to? Social services? GIRL: No! CAROL: No other young people? GIRL: (EERILY) They all disappeared. ANDY: (BORED, TOO HIMSELF) Was this before or after you started talking to them. GIRL: (SPOOKY) They all went away suddenly one night. ANDY: (IRRITATED) Well thank you very much for the conversation but we've got to leave now. Are you ready Carol? GIRL: Don't leave me please. I couldn't bear it. ANDY: If we didn't we couldn't bear it. CAROL: Don't worry..(PUTS HER HAND ON THE GIRLS SHOULDER) THE LANDLORD STORMS OVER. LANDLORD: 'ere what's this 'bout you pickin' on my boy? He's sensitive about his teeth. CAROL: Why he hasn't got any? LANDLORD: Why you! Anyway what you talkin' to 'er for? CAROL: She was talking to us. ANDY: It's true we couldn't get a word in edgeways. LANDLORD: (TO ANDY) You cheekin' me? BOY: 'e was Dad. He was. LANDLORD: (TO THE GIRL) You get down the cellar. I'll sort you out later missy. (TO ANDY) Don't you talk to her again and keep yer townie mits off her. We don't want you corruptin' her with yer educated ways. She's sweet sixteen and never been kissed. ANDY: Does she let that interfere with her sex life? ha ha.......... ANDY GULPS. THERE IS NOW AN ANGRY BROODING SILENCE AROUND HIM. GIRL: No I don't. THE REGULARS ARE SUDDENLY FURIOUS AND UP IN ARMS. CAROL: Look we don't want any trouble. LANDLORD: Now listen' 'ere, our ways might seem strange to you, but they're our ways, things might seem cruel 'ere, downright hostile, but we've done our best not to be completely 'orrid and ignorant with you and only partiaaally 'orrid and ignorant and what have you done? Taken th' piss. CAROL: Now look here! We're sorry. We only came in for a quiet drink. LANDLORD: Yer come round 'ere and force us all to have our drinks bought by yer, flashing yer crowns around. Just yer remember - that girl and this pub is our business and not yours. The next thing you'll be suggestin' is yer want to buy another round. ALL THE REGULARS LOOK EXPECTANTLY AT ANDY. ANDY: (WEARY) Who would like another round? THERE IS CHEERING FROM THE REGULARS. --------------- ANDY IS GIVEN HIS DRINK AT THE BAR. HE SIPS IT. ANDY: Urggh tastes like horsepiss. LANDLORD: Well it shouldn't 'cos it's cowpiss. Any connoisseur of urine would know that sir. ANDY SPLUTTERS INTO HIS DRINK AGAIN. LANDLORD: Dunna be gettin' all nancy on me now. Yer wouldn't think I'd do that to yer would you hur hur hur. ANDY: I don't want to seem ungrateful, but is their anywhere decent to stay nearby? LANDLORD: There's 'The Roasted Innards' nearby run by my brother and 'The Highwayman's Giblet's' nearby... ANDY: Run by your brother. LANDLORD: Eeeh you are quick in picking up the local social structure. ANDY: I meant a bit further away like somewhere run by your tenth cousin many times removed. LANDLORD: There's the city 'otel, but you don't want to go there. ANDY: Why not? LANDLORD: Well it's one of those travelly places for businessmen with all swimming pools, saunas and luxury four poster beds and silly things like 'at. ANDY: I'm sure we could manage. LANDLORD: Oh no, you could have a bed 'ere in one of our rooms. My cousin was buried yesterday so he ain't lying in that room no more. ANDY: It's very kind but we really would like to stay at the city hotel. LANDLORD: You aint asked your purty wife yet. ANDY: I think I could persuade her. Could you erm give directions? LANDLORD: I'm sorry, I lost me maps. ANDY: If you give me directions I can fix you a contract for alcoholics anonymous - they need beer like yours. Oh never mind we'll manage without. LANDLORD: Oooh you townies aint 'alf touchy. THE LOCALS ALL SHOUT 'OOOOH' AND START JEERING. --------------- ANDY STROLLS OVER TO CAROL WHO IS PINNED IN THE CORNER LISTENING TO A DRIBBLING NATHANIEL. ANDY: Sorry to interrupt your dribbling and mumbling session Nathaniel, Carol we're going, bye everybody, thanks for... well thanks anyway. BRAWN: We'll see you again. THE REGULARS ALL LAUGH. --------------- ANDY AND CAROL WALK OUTSIDE TOWARDS THEIR CAR. CAROL: Oh thank God. I thought we'd never get out. AN OLD WOMAN WALKS UP TO THEM AND APPEARS OUT OF THE SHADOWS. OLD WOMAN: Would you like to buy a lucky charm for the road my pretty ones. ANDY: That all depends on whether you know the directions to The City Hotel. OLD WOMAN: Oh that's just down the road my handsome. ANDY: Thank you. OLD WOMAN: What about my lucky charm? ANDY: I hope it brings you lots of luck. OLD WOMAN: But you said you'd buy one? ANDY: Ah you should have checked the small print. I said it depended whether you knew the direction to 'The City Hotel' and I'd decided I'd buy some if you didn't hur hur hur. OLD WOMAN: Why you, cheekin' an old lady like that. ANDY: Bye. CAROL: Bye, I'm sorry. --------------- ANDY AND CAROL GET SWIFTLY INTO THE CAR. OLD WOMAN: Ha ha ha cackle, thirty miles down the road my handsome. -------------- ANDY AND CAROL SIT IN THE CAR AS CAROL DRIVES. ANDY: Have you ever felt such joy to see a cold foggy night? Watch the tractor. CAROL: 'The City Hotel', it sounds good, running hot water, a filling meal. ANDY: I'm so sorry, if I'd known. It's not turning out to be much of an anniversary weekend is it? When we get there I'll buy the best meal they have and book the best room. CAROL: You're too good to me. ANDY: I thought I was going to lose you to your new admirer. CAROL: Oh who? ANDY: The Landlord. CAROL START'S TO DRIVE FASTER. --------------- THE LANDLORD IS ON THE PHONE, WAITING FOR A REPLY NOW IN A DARK ROOM A HAIRY HAND REACHES OVER AND PICKS UP THE PHONE AND WE SEE THE PHONE GO UP TO A MAN'S MOUTH MR: Yes LANDLORD: Just phonin' to say they arrived WE SEE THE MAN, IN HIS FORTIES, GLASSES AND A LONG BEARD. MR: Excellent. LANDLORD: and then ...er MR: Then what? LANDLORD: Then they left again, in a hurry like, dunno why MR: (ANGRY) Fool, fool, they must not be allowed to leave, they must not be allowed to leave. --------------- THE CAR IS STUCK IN A DITCH. ANDY AND CAROL ARE STOOD HOLDING EACH OTHER JUST OUTSIDE THE DOOR. THE ROAD IS A DIRT TRACK, RUGGED AND POTHOLED. ANDY: I don't think we have any choice. It's too foggy and cold. I blame myself - I should have told you to stay in-between the two kerbs. CAROL: Come on then. Let's get it over with. ANDY: Carol? CAROL: Yes. ANDY: We'll get through this I promise. We've just got to think about skyscrapers and the financial times, pristine varnished golfclubs and cheeseburgers. IN A CLEARING IN THE FOG THERE IS AN EMERGENCY BREAKDOWN PHONE. CAROL: Look! CAROL PICKS UP THE PHONE AND PRESSES A BUTTON. CAROL: Hello there, our car is stuck. Can we use a car breakdown service? LANDLORD'S VOICE: I'm afraid they're all unavailable at present, although there is a nice public house 'The Wicker Man'. CAROL: Thank you. CAROL TURNS TO ANDY. ANDY HUGS HER ANDY: It's all right, no need to explain. I do wish Lawrence and Margaret had come with us. CAROL PULLS AWAY LOOKING DISAPPOINTED. --------------- THE LANDLORD WAITS ON THE PHONE AGAIN --------------- AT THE OTHER END IN THE DARK ROOM A HAIRY HAND PICKS UP THE PHONE. IT IS A WOMAN'S MOUTH THAT SPEAKS. MRS: Hello, who is it please? LANDLORD: It's me, is yer husband in? MRS: Oh it's you. Hold on a second, I'll just go and get him. Darling, darling.. SHE STROLLS UPSTAIRS. THE MAN IS ON THE TOILET. MR: Can't you see I'm engaged. MRS: It's him. MR: I won't be a minute. MRS: (SHE GOES TO THE PHONE) He won't be a minute he's just on the ... MR: (HE SUDDENLY APPEARS FROM NOWHERE AND IS GLARING) Thank you dear. HE TAKES THE PHONE OFF HER MR: Yes....(PAUSE) good, good. HE PUTS THE PHONE DOWN they've broken down ha ha ha. MRS: Ha ha ha. MR: Ha ha ha. --------------- AS ANDY AND CAROL APPROACH THE PUBLIC HOUSE THEY HEAR LAUGHTER. AS THEY OPEN THE DOOR IT STOPS SUDDENLY. THE CLOCK STRIKES TWELVE. LANDLORD: Hello sir. Have a nice drive did we? ANDY: No we didn't. LANDLORD: Don't worry sir yer room is ready for yer, fifty pounds please. ANDY HANDS OVER MORE MONEY. HE IS NOW TIRED. THE LANDLORD NOW BEAMS WITH DELIGHT AND TROTS OVER TO HIS DRAWER AND AGAIN DISCREETLY PUTS MONEY INTO IT. ANDY: Did you see that? CAROL: Let's just get to bed. THE LAUGHTER STARTS UP AGAIN. ONLY THE YOUNG GIRL ISN'T LAUGHING AS ANDY TURNS AROUND. THE GIRL HOLDS OUT A SMALL ANCIENT WINE BOTTLE. GIRL: Compliments of the house sir. ANDY: (UNSURE) Thanks. --------------- THE BOY AND THE GIRL. THE BOY IS SWINGING HIS ACTION OBADIAH (AN ACTION MAN WITH A LONG SQUARE CUT BEARD) FROM HIS HOMEMADE NOOSE AND TEASING THE GIRL. BOY: 'e's angry wi' you 'e is. You's got his back up you 'as, yer know what yer gonna get don't yer. Yer know what yer gonna get, you know what yer gonna get... GIRL: Will you grow up. BOY: Wait 'till 'e 'ears what you been upto, yer gonna get it, yer gonna get it. GIRL: No he won't because you're going to keep your gums shut you little rat. SHE LASHES OUT AT HIM BOY: Aaaaaah, right I'm gonna tell my dad o' you THE GIRL GRABS THE BOY Just leave me alone, Why...can't...you...just...leave....me....alone FRUSTRATED, THE GIRL LETS HIM GO BOY: Yer gonna get the chop, that's what yer gonna get....the.... HE CHOPS THE ACTION OBADIAHS HEAD OFF. chop....hur....hur...hur ----------------- IN THE BEDROOM ANDY SITS READING HIS CELTIC MYTHOLOGY BOOK WITH THE SMALL BOTTLE OF ANCIENT WINE.) ANDY: I think it's best to drink it Carol. I wouldn't want to refuse the only bit of hospitality we've been given and I am getting very unpleasant feelings about the hospitality in general. I mean what have we done to them? Nothing? ANDY FORCES DOWN A FEW MORE MOUTHFULLS. CAROL: You were sarcastic and you made fun. ANDY: I was only joking. That's all I wanted - a bit of fun, after signing that contract with Lawrence I just wanted to be somewhere to relax. Not in my wildest nightmares did I think I'd be here with the hillbillys from hell. HE FORCES DOWN A FEW MORE MOUTHFULLS. CAROL: That poor girl, a slave. We'll have to tell somebody when we get out of here. We don't even know her name poor thing? ANDY: To be perfectly honest I wouldn't be surprised if slavery was legal here anyway, as well as cannibalism and other monstrosities. And that drawer the Landlord always seems to hover around. CAROL: You want to get some sleep, and stop reading that book it'll give you nightmares. ANDY: (HOLDING UP THE ALMOST EMPTY BOTTLE AND LAUGHING) You need to be conscious to have nightmares. ANDY TURNS OFF THE LIGHT. ----------- THE GIRL IS IN THE BAR. SHE HAS A SMALL BAG WITH HER THAT HAS JUST BEEN PACKED IN A RUSH. SHE GOES UP TO THE LANDLORD'S DRAWER AND TRIES DESPERATELY TO OPEN IT. LANDLORD: After something my handsome. THE GIRL GASPS IN SHOCK. AROUND THE CORNER WE SEE THE BOY SWINGING HIS 'ACTION OBADIAH' FROM A NOOSE AND SMILING. --------------- A DREAM SEQUENCE, HAZILY DONE. IN THE NIGHT, AN INEBRIATED HALFCONSCIOUS ANDY IS WOKEN UP BY SHOUTING AND SCREAMING AND THEN A LOUD BANG. HE LOOKS HAZILY AT CAROL WHO IS ASLEEP. HE CREEPS OUT OF BED AND GOES DOWNSTAIRS. HE CAN JUST MAKE OUT THE LANDLORD TAKING A SACK DOWN THE CELLAR. THE LANDLORD HOLDS AN AXE. THERE IS CHOPPING NOISES FROM THE CELLAR. ANDY THEN STUMBLES HALFCONSCIOUSLY BACK TO BED. HE STARTS TO SHAKE CAROL. ANDY: Carol, Carol. CAROL IS STANDING AT THE SIDE OF THE BED. IT IS LIGHT. CAROL: What. ANDY LOOKS AROUND AND SEES IT IS MORNING. ANDY: (RUBBING HIS EYES) You were right. I did have the most horrible dream last night. CAROL: I warned you, reading that book. ANDY: It felt so real. CAROL: It was probably the wine. ANDY: I just want to get packed and get out of here. CAROL: Let's just be polite, take breakfast and leave. ANDY NODS. and find out the name of the girl - discreetly. --------------- THE MAN AND WOMAN ARE SHOWN PACKING TWO HUGE SUITCASES IN THEIR LIVING ROOM. MR: Olive oil. MRS: Shaver MR: Old spice brillcream MRS: Herbs and spices. ------------- ANDY AND CAROL ARE FINISHING THEIR BREAKFAST. LANDLORD: Everything to your satisfaction? ANDY: Yes thank you. LANDLORD: Sorry 'bout my lad talking about cleaning the pigs out when you was eatin'. CAROL: It was still delicious honestly. We rarely have steak and brussel sprouts for breakfast. LANDLORD: Sleep well did yer? ANDY: Like a log. LANDLORD: No strange noises or nothing? ha ha ha ho ho ho. ANDY: No, I was just wondering about that young lady last night. What was her name? THERE ARE MUFFLED NOISES FROM ALL THE REGULARS. LANDLORD: And what lady would that be sir? ANDY: The girl last night, the young girl. LANDLORD: I don't know of any girl sir. ANDY: but .. LANDLORD: Did anyone see a girl in here last night? ALL THE REGULARS SHAKE THEIR HEADS AND MUMBLE NO. OLD WOMAN: There's somethings that townies best keep to themselves. LANDLORD: I dunna want to be goin' into those country matters we talked about sir, but somethings are best forgotten about for all concerned. ALL THE REGULARS LOOK EXTREMELY THREATENING. ANDY: Hey I've just remembered I haven't bought everybody a round of drinks yet today have I. ALL THE REGULARS CHEER. LANDLORD: You 'ave a way with making friends sir if I may say so. --------------- AT THE BAR THE PHONE RINGS. THE LANDLORD WALKS OVER AND DISCREETLY PICKS IT UP. HE LOOKS AT ANDY AND GRINS SMUGLY TO HIMSELF AND NODS. HE OPENS THE DRAWER WITH HIS KEYS AND LOOKS INSIDE. HE LOOKS AT ANDY AGAIN. ANDY WATCHES HIM CAREFULLY. THE LANDLORD PUTS THE PHONE DOWN. ANDY WALKS OVER TO HIM FLUSTERED. ANDY: Who was that? LANDLORD: Nobody yer know. ANDY: I was wondering if I could phone the AA or the RAC? LANDLORD: They aint been round 'ere for over twenty harvests but there's an emergency service run by my brother. ANDY: Well could I use the phone please? LANDLORD: Only local calls taken and received sir. ANDY: That's fine. LANDLORD: And you're not local sir. ANDY LEANS ACROSS TO CAROL. ANDY: (QUIETLY) I'm going to order two teas, you find somewhere to talk, somewhere private. ------------ THE MAN AND WOMAN ARE STILL PACKING. MR: Haven't we forgotten something MRS: Have we? MR: We most certainly have. HE HOLDS UP A MODERATELY SIZED DOCTORS BAG AND LAUGHS. SHE LAUGHS TOO. INSIDE THE BAG CAN BE SEEN THE GLINTING STEEL OF KNIVES specially made for the occasion. MRS: Ha ha ha MR: ha ha ha --------------- ANDY AND CAROL SIT WITH THEIR CUPS OF TEA IN A CORNER OF THE BAR. CAROL: I don't believe you. You drink yourself to sleep, and now you think your 'dream' was real? ANDY: Yes but not so loud. CAROL: Let's be realistic, even if you did see something, it's unlikely to be anything serious. They wouldn't do that, not murder. ANDY: That poor girl, and then he phoned somebody up, looking more shifty and more sly than usual. Why don't we take a look in that cellar? CAROL: Why bother. We can tell the police, social services, whoever we want when we leave. ANDY: She wanted to talk about something .. something big, and then they killed her. They might not let us go you know. Let's sneak off now. CAROL: If you did see anything, they don't know you did, do they. THEY BOTH TURN TO SEE THEMSELVES BEING STARED AT BY ALL THE REGULARS. ------------ THE MAN AND WOMAN ARE SAT MOTIONLESS, STARING INTO SPACE. THEY BOTH HAVE CUPS OF TEA WHICH THEY OCCASIONALLY SIP. THEY STARE AT THE PHONE AND LOOK AT THE CLOCK AS IT TICKS. --------------- ANDY AND CAROL ARE SNEAKING OUT THE BACK WITH THEIR BAGS. THEY ARE RUSHING THROUGH HEAPS OF BRUSSEL SPROUTS IN THE BACKYARD. ANDY: It looks like we made it for the sprout harvest. SUDDENLY THEY SEE THE BOY STANDING AND WATCHING THEM WHILE PICKING HIS NOSE. BOY: What you doin'? ANDY: Oh hello sonny. Don't mind us. You carry on picking your nose. BOY: What you doin'? CAROL: We're looking. BOY: For what? CAROL: Looking around for a ...ring. BOY: What ring? ANDY: A ring she wears on her finger you... nice little lad. BOY: Do you really think I'm nice? ANDY: We think you're lovely don't we Carol? CAROL: Yes and what I said about your teeth was just jealousy, because I wish mine were as nice as yours. BOY: (CRYING) You really, really like me? Really, really? CAROL: Yeeeees. Look here's a pound specially for you. BOY: If you really liked me you'd give me another. ANDY: Yes we would wouldn't we (THEY DON'T). I hope you don't mind but we would like to be alone for awhile. BOY: Why? ANDY: Well er..We enjoy our privacy. BOY: Why? ANDY: Sometimes when you're older, things change. It's part of a rich and varied tapestry of life that is maybe too vast for a little chappie like you to understand just yet. CAROL: Yes you'll come to understand emotionally and physically one day. BOY: Oh yes I see...(HE PONDERS). ANDY AND CAROL START TO CREEP OFF. BOY: Can I watch you havin' a shag then? ANDY: No you can't - buy a magazine like everybody else. ANDY AND CAROL START TO RUN FASTER. BOY: (SHOUTS) 'ere they're runnin' arrrf. --------------- ANDY AND CAROL ARE STILL RUNNING. THEY START TO DISCARD THEIR BAGS AND ARE OUT OF BREATH. ANDY: I've got a feeling this time Carol that we are going to make it out of this hell hole. CAROL: Wheeze. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------ THE LANDLORD IS WAITING WHILE HOLDING THE PHONE AGAIN. THE MAN IS SEEN PICKING UP THE PHONE AT THE OTHER END. MR: About time, do you know how long we've been waiting? LANDLORD: They been runnin' off again they have MR: Again, nobody ever seems to want to stay at your pub long do they. LANDLORD: and bein' honest like, I don't think I'll bother runnin' after 'em either. MR: We had a deal. What do you mean? LANDLORD: They're too much trouble, there be plenty more meat on the boil as far as I'm concerned. MR: You'll do as I instruct, bring them back. LANDLORD: If thy insists. THEY BOTH PUT THEIR PHONES DOWN MR: Get the suitcases in the car now woman. --------------- A POLICE CAR IS OUTSIDE 'THE WHICKER MAN'. ANDY AND CAROL GET OUT OF IT. INSIDE THE CLOCK SHOWS THREE O'CLOCK. POLICEMAN: These those two townies? LANDLORD: Yep! POLICEMAN: Are yer goin' to press charges? LANDLORD: Not if they keeps the peace - and spends more o' their money. POLICEMAN: Andy and Carol Smith I am withholding the charges of running off without paying for your cups of tea and attempting to corrupt the mind of an innocent and gentle lad with descriptions of your carnal acts. LANDLORD: Who's this lad then? POLICEMAN: Your Jeremiah. LANDLORD: Oh yeah. I'll see you at mums on Monday then. --------------- ANDY AND CAROL WALK INSIDE WITH THE LANDLORD. LANDLORD: I don't know, comin' and goin'. You will stay another night with us then won't you? ANDY: We really would like to leave as soon as possible. We both want to be home for our anniversary tomorrow. THEY WALK THROUGH TO THE BAR. LANDLORD: I bet you two are famished with all yer running around in the fog. Would yer like some fresh tasty morsels of meat? You're lucky I's just acquired some recent like for our traditional barbecue feast tonight. Are you comin'? You'll enjoy it. It's always nice to have somebody for a barbecue isn't it? ANDY AND CAROL SUDDENLY BOTH LOOK HORRIFIED. CAROL: Thanks but we brought sandwiches. ANDY: Vegetarian sandwiches. THEY BOTH LEAVE QUICKLY. ------------ THE LANDLORD STANDS OUTSIDE WITH THE BOY. LANDLORD: How's the fire buildin' goin' my litle cherub? BOY: Great Dad, this fire'll burn and burn and burn LANDLORD: That's my lad, I remember when I was your age and I used to build the fire. Me grandad used to give me half a penny for nippin' in the woods to fetch him some faggots. He were a stingy bugger he were. BOY: They knew how to have a feast in them days though didn't they Dad. LANDLORD: They did that son. That's my lad. I only wish your dear sweet mum was 'ere, sometimes. --------------- ANDY AND CAROL ARE IN THE TOILET. ANDY: I never want steak for breakfast again. We've got to take a look down that cellar. CAROL: Be serious ANDY: The truth is down there? CAROL: But he's always at the bar, blocking the way. --------------- ANDY, CAROL AND NATHANIEL ARE SAT AT THE BAR. NATHANIEL MUMBLES SOMETHING AND THEN LEAVES. ANDY GETS UP. LANDLORD: How can I 'elp yer sir. ANDY: Usual for me please and a sprout spritzer for Carol please. LANDLORD: Sprout what? ANDY: Sprout spritzer. It's a very popular drink in the city made from brussel sprouts. LANDLORD: It aint 'eard of 'ere. You wouldn't be tuggin' my whiskers would you. ANDY: Not at all. It's a nutritional cocktail - a city thing. LANDLORD: The last time I served a cocktail was quite a few moons ago to a young man and his wife. You would 'ave liked 'im sir he was like you, only attractive and charmin'. ANDY: Well to be honest, it's not our anniversary until tomorrow but unfortunately she wants this drink as a special treat and it's really difficult to make anyway. LANDLORD: Don't spoil yer woman sir. Never spoil yer woman. ANDY: And it costs a fortune. LANDLORD: Unless it's her anniversary and I'm sure I seen the odd sprout spritzer recipe around. 'ow much it cost then? ANDY: About five pounds. LANDLORD: It's ten 'ere sir but I'm sure you won't mind paying seeing as you two are well suited - if I may say so. ANDY: It has been said we make a nice couple. LANDLORD: I just said yer were well suited sir. ANDY: I'm assuming you know all the ingredients. LANDLORD: O' course, sprouts, sprouts and er.. ANDY: Vinegar, salt, pepper, spices. LANDLORD: Goes without saying. Leave it to me sir. Back in a jiffy. I'll just have a look to see if I've got any sprouts. --------------- THE LANDLORD TROTS INTO THE KITCHEN GLEEFULLY. CAROL QUICKLY NIPS DOWN TO THE CELLAR WHICH IS BEHIND THE BAR. CAROL PEEKS THROUGH A WIDE CRACK IN THE DOOR. SHE CAN JUST MAKE OUT AN AXE AND A SACK. CAROL: I can see.. ANDY: If you tell me what you see Carol, and it's what I think it is - I will promptly throw up on your head. SHE RUNS BACK UP THE STEPS. CAROL: You know what really bothers me? ANDY: What? CAROL: This is almost fun. CAROL QUICKLY RUNS OUT OF THE DOOR. --------------- THE LANDLORD RETURNS. LANDLORD: One sprout spritzer for the lady sir. ANDY: I'm sorry she's just been taken ill upstairs. She won't be needing it after all and I'm sorry but I'm afraid I don't have them. You have it if you want. Shame to waste it really with all its properties. LANDLORD: Properties? ANDY: (TAPS HIS NOSE) Do I need to explain its many attributes to a man of your worldliness. LANDLORD: Oh no sir ho ho ho ha ha ha.... What these properties then? AS THE LANDLORD STARTS TO SIP IT ANDY WALKS OUT. ANDY: (TO HIMSELF) Diarrhoea. LANDLORD: Hmmmmm not bad. Don't you worry none 'bout the cost sir I'll put it on yer tab. ANDY FROWNS. --------------- ANDY AND CAROL SIT IN THE BEDROOM. ANDY: Its not good enough. We'll need those keys if we're going to get any evidence and he keeps them around his belt all the time. CAROL: Let's just leave it. We can tell whoever. ANDY: We need proof, solid evidence. Remember that time when I couldn't get in the car but you could? You were very skilful. CAROL: I don't know what the idea is but I'm beginning to dread it already. ANDY: (looking at the clock which says one o'clock) We've got a lot of time to discuss it. I propose we call it operation sprout. --------------- THE MAN AND WOMAN GET IN THE CAR AND START IT UP. THEY SMILE AT EACH OTHER IN A SICKLY WAY AS THE ENGINE STARTS. ------------ EARLY EVENING OUTSIDE. AT THE BARBEQUE. ANDY IS SHOWN POURING VODKA DISCREETLY INTO A CAULDRON CONTAINING PUNCH. ANDY: I'd just like to say how remorseful I am about the way we both behaved when we first met you all. You really are a fantastic bunch. BRAWN: You've been saying that the last hour, and you haven't bought a round yet. ANDY: I'm saying it so much because I mean it. I mean being with you guys it's like the ultimate country golf club, a teenage film. ANDY LOOKS MOMENTARILY AT THIER SURLY, MEAN, SPITEFULL FACES. I mean the only thing missing really is any women - apart from my wife who delights in your company of course. NATHANIEL: There are women. ANDY: Ah but none under ninety. I mean have you lads never thought of having a beautiful wife? BRAWN: I do my own washing. NATHANIEL: My mum does mine. ANDY: Ha ha ha you great, great, guys. --------------- CAROL BEHAVES PROVOCATIVELY WITH THE LANDLORD. CAROL: So Mr. Landlord is there no Mrs. Landlady? LANDLORD: No, she left me five harvests ago. CAROL: Left you why? LANDLORD: Oh I don't know, women - can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. She said you never say two words to me - so I says here's two words - 'bugger off, at least it's from the 'eart'. She was always moaning. CAROL: Moaning at you? I can't imagine a woman from the city moaning at you. To have a man like you would be a real catch. LANDLORD: I bet you say that to all the farmers. CAROL: No, the city is crying out with frustrated women. I mean what have they got? freedom! stimulation! They don't want that, city sissies with their intellectual conversation. God I hate men with deodorant too - there's just no men with that natural smell - a smell that you have, an erotic mix of animal feeds and fertilizer. Here have some more punch - down it quick there's a good lad. LANDLORD: Hhhmmmmm. CAROL: Oh do that again. How I love men that just say nothing and let the woman having the joy of prattling on and being completely ignored. LANDLORD: Hhhmmmm. CAROL: Oh do it again and again. LANDLORD: Does yer husband not keep yer satisfied? CAROL: No. LANDLORD: You know I have need of a woman. Would you like to feel like a real woman? Being to a man what a woman should be? CAROL: Take me to that haybarn. Here have another couple. I love your sideburns. They're so...manly. LANDLORD: Thank 'e, I inherited 'em from my mother. --------------- CAROL AND THE LANDLORD LEAVE THE BARBEQUE. SHE TURNS AND PUTS HER THUMBS UP TO ANDY. ANDY: More punch anybody? BRAWN: These wives you ordered for us, when they arrivin' then? --------------- IN THE LANDLORD'S ROOM. CAROL LOOKS DISCREETLY AT THE LANDLORD'S KEYS. LANDLORD: I'm a bit drunk but I can still manage a bit of pleasure for yer. CAROL: I'm very patient. Here have another drink. LANDLORD: 'ere I saved these up for the right woman. All me socks need darnin' and washin'. THE LANDLORD COLLAPSES. CAROL GRABS THE LANDLORD'S KEYS. --------------- ANDY IS STILL AT THE BARBEQUE WITH THE REGULARS. BRAWN: You're not a vegetarian. I saw you eat some meat this mornin'. ANDY: I've become very conscientious. OLD WOMAN: Go on eat yer' burger nancy boy. NATHANIEL: You wanna be one of us don't yer? THEY ALL STARE AS ANDY TAKES A BITE. ANDY: Hhhmmm delicious. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ----- THE MAN AND WOMAN ARE DRIVING THROUGH THE NIGHT. THE WOMAN IS SHARPENING A KNIFE. THEY ARE SINGING SONGS. --------------- ANDY AND CAROL ARE IN THE TOILET. ANDY IS KNEELING DOWN OVER THE TOILET SEAT. ANDY: Retch! CAROL: Are you all right. ANDY: Yes. CAROL: Keys voila. ANDY LOOKS AROUND OUTSIDE. ALL THE LOCALS ARE NOW ALMOST LEGLESS. Give it a few hours and they'll be sleeping like babies. THE CLOCK STRIKES TWELVE AND ANDY KISSES CAROL. ANDY: Happy anniversary. What would I do without you. CAROL: Masturbate ANDY: Seriously, I just don't know what I'd do without you. You are the only person here who doesn't smell of sheepdip. CAROL: Right, In three hours we sneak down. ANDY: And carry out operation sprout. CAROL: And we're leaving discreetly, without a steak breakfast. --------------- THE REGULARS ARE LOUD AND RAUCOUS AND SINGING BUT ARE BECOMING EXTREMELY TIRED. THEY ARE SINGING OLD SONGS. ------------ THE CLOCK IS SHOWN TICKING ------------ THE MAN AND WOMAN ARE IN THE CAR. THE KNIFE STILL BEING SHARPENED. MR: They won't let them go this time. MRS: What if they try and escape again. MR: It would be stupid now to let them go. ------------ ANDY AND CAROL SHOWN WAITING, HOLDING EACH OTHER IN BED.THEY CAN HEAR THE SINGING GETTING QUIETER. ------------ THE REGULARS ARE FALLING ASLEEP. THE OLD WOMAN SLEEPS WITH THE REMAINS OF A BURGER IN HER OPEN MOUTH. ------------ THE MAN AND WOMAN ARE SHOWN DRIVING, A BLOODTHIRSTY EXCITED LOOK ON THEIR FACES. STILL CARVING THE KNIFE. MR: Only ten more miles to go. Those city folk are in for a big surprise. MRS: Ha ha ha MR: Ha ha ha: ------------ ANDY AND CAROL ARE SHOWN WAITING RESTLESS AND HALF ASLEEP. THEY CAN HEAR A NOW FAINTER NOISE. ------------ ONLY THE BOY IS NOW STANDING. HE IS DRUNK. BOY: 'ere, where them townies, where's my dad, 'ere.... HE SLUMPS ONTO THE FLOOR. ------------ THE MAN AND WOMAN ARE SHOWN AGAIN DRIVING. AND PULLING INTO A PETROL STATION. THEY HAVE A FLAT TYRE. THEY ARE BOTH VERY UNHAPPY. MR: Of all the luck. MRS: You packed the spare tyre. MR: Why should I have done, it was already in there wasn't it, wasn't it? MARGARET LOOKS AT THE FLOOR. Unless some idiot took it out because they thought we might not need it. A LARGE DOPEY LOOKING PETROL ATTENDANT IS STROLLING OVER, SCRATCHING HIS HEAD WITH A SPANNER. --------------- ANDY AND CAROL SIT UP IN BED AS A SMALL ALARM CLOCK GOES OFF. --------------- ANDY AND CAROL CREEP DOWN TO THE BAR. CAROL: So we say that we believe they killed the girl and ate her to destroy the evidence. Then kept us here until they'd completed their dastardly plan. ANDY: Ahh wait a minute. Now let's just take a quick look in this drawer. CAROL: (SHE OPENS IT) I don't believe it. ANDY: (HORRIFIED) Pictures, pictures of us. That's how they knew our surnames, we're next. They're going to eat us. That's how they keep they're nutrition up. I knew they looked healthy considering they drink his beer. They enslave people and eventually eat them when all the Landlord's socks are darned. CAROL: I don't want any more discussion Andy we're leaving now. We're out of here now. ANDY TAKES A DEEP BREATH, TAKES THE KEYS AND WALKS DOWN TO THE CELLAR. CAROL: What are you doing? ANDY: I'm going to destroy this place, and I'm taking that axe for evidence. ------------ THE COUPLE WAIT AS THE ATTENDANT IS TRYING A SERIES OF WHEELS THAT ARE BADLY SHAPED AND STUFFED WITH STRAW. MR: Have you got any tyres filled with air. ATTENDANT: I got straw, I got hay. MR: But the problem with that is that tyres are usually filled with air. ATTENDANT: I got straw, I got hay. --------------- IN THE CELLAR THEY STARE AT THE SACK. ANDY: Poor girl, If you can hear me young lady. I'm sorry you weren't that depressing honestly, and you weren't that bad looking, well not as bad as you are now. CAROL: Vats Andy, vats of what looks like blood. ANDY: Smash it all, destroy it for justice, for liberty, for the children of the world - and remember how much money they've ripped us off for. ------------- THE MAN AND WOMAN ARE STILL WAITING AT THE PETROL STATION AS THE ATTENDANT FINALLY STARTS PUTTING ONE OF THE WHEELS ON. --------------- THE CELLAR IS A HUGE MESS, WITH VATS SMASHED AS WELL AS OTHER THINGS. --------------- ANDY AND CAROL, HOLDING THE AXE AND OTHER STRANGE OBJECTS, GET INTO THE TRACTOR. CAROL: How long? ANDY: (HE HOLDS UP A MAP) According to this goatskin papyrus, about an hour probably to the nearest town. THEY START TO DRIVE OFF. THEY BOTH BRIEFLY TURN TO LOOK. CAROL: It's over Andy. ANDY: When we get back I'll phone Lawrence and Margaret ... CAROL: Oh for Goodness sake. ANDY: ...and tell them we want to spend today on our own after all. CAROL: You really mean it. ANDY: I think business can wait. We'll get a chinese, and a video. CAROL: Like we used to. ANDY: Yes, like we used to. THEY HUG. -------------- MAN AND WOMAN ARE STILL WAITING AT THE PETROL STATION AS THE ATTENDANT STILL TRIES TO PUT THE WHEEL ON. MR: Have you got any tyres that are the correct size to fit on an automobile. ATTENDANT: I got big, I got small. MR: I'm sure this one would be fine if I had a juggernaut. ATTENDANT: (SHOUTS) I got big. I got small. MR: There isn't any need to be rude, I've become well aware of the shortcomings of your establishment. THE ATTENDANT RISES UP WITH THE SPANNER IN HIS HAND. --------------- AT THE PUB THE LANDLORD IS SOBBING IN THE CELLAR. BLOWING HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE. THE BOY STANDS WITH HIM. LANDLORD: Some of this 'ere beetroot wine was fifty years old. Why they done this to me sweetbud? Whatever did we do to them? BOY: Dunno Dad. They was wierd if you ask me. LANDLORD: Is everyone awake? BOY: (GRINS) Yeah --------------- ANDY AND CAROL ARE DRIVING IN THE TRACTOR. ANDY: I mean, I think they were just cannibals. Probably a hereditary condition with all the inbreeding around here. CAROL: I just hope we did the right thing thats all. ANDY: Maybe we did panic and get carried away. But they'll say that any sane normal human being would have done exactly what we did in the circumstances. --------------- MORNING, MR. AND MRS. ARRIVE WALKING TOWARDS 'THE WHICKER MAN'. THE REGULARS ARE SAT AROUND HOLDING THEIR HEADS. MR. HAS A BLACK EYE. MR: Hello! Are they here? LANDLORD: No they buggered off early this morning. MR: (FROWNING) You're telling me that they've gone. MRS: They left. Oh dear Lawrence. MR: They might be back, probably just gone for a short drive. It's their anniversary, I suppose we'll have to hope they won't be moving around today. MRS: Well have they had a good stay? How was the barbecue? We brought our own cutlery. MR: (HANDS ON HIPS) I must say that it's no surprise they've gone, this place looks a right mess. THE REGULARS ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN ANGRY DISMAY. --------------- ANDY AND CAROL RIDE THE TRACTOR THROUGH A VILLAGE. THE TRACTOR LEAVES A TRAIL OF DUNG BEHIND IT AS PEOPLE LOOK ON DISMAYED AND CHILDREN CRY. ANDY: Civilisation. Happy anniversary darling. We'll be heroes you know. Breaking up one of those cannibal rings is not something that happens to your Mr. and Mrs. average. A POLICECAR OVERTAKES THEM AND SIGNALS TO STOP. ANDY: eh? --------------- IN THE RUINS OF THE CELLAR AT 'THE WHICKER MAN'. AN ANGRY LANDLORD SHOUTS AT A DISMAYED AND ASHAMED MARGERET AND LAWRENCE. LANDLORD: Never as long as I live will I get involved in organising another surprise party. They been runnin' off without payin', treating us like we was monsters, been in my drawers, smashed my beetroot wine vats, stole my axe, my tractor - and promised to darn my socks. MR: Margaret will darn your socks if you're that bothered. She's very good at that kind of thing. MRS (MARGARET) SCOWLS. LANDLORD: Grrrrrrrr --------------- AT A POLICE STATION. POLICEMAN: Slander, vandalism, stealing keys, an axe, a tractor, and driving the said tractor without a licence while waving an axe at the general public. ANDY: Sorry officer, I suppose we just got carried away. You're not his brother by any chance are you? POLICEMAN: Don't be stupid sir. This is miles away. I'm his cousin. Now would you like another of those pretty blue tablets before you phone your lawyer? --------------- AT THE WHICKER MAN'S BAR. THE LANDLORD TALKS TO THE GIRL. LANDLORD: Where you been? GIRL: Around. LANDLORD: I's come to expect that. Did he steal your handbag again? GIRL: No. LANDLORD: But he dumped you again didn't he? You get dumped more regular than a cow lays down pats. GIRL: Yeah, yeah, yeah, he loves me though. LANDLORD: And did you say anything to those townies? They were mighty strange. GIRL: (INNOCENT) No! --------------- BACK AT THE POLICE STATION. POLICEMAN: And your court appearance will probably be in a couple of months. As soon as you're out of the county I'll take those straitjackets off. CAROL: Well at least we're safe. ANDY: You know something. When we describe this too our friends.. CAROL: Andy, we're not going too. ANDY: Good point. We would look a bit silly wouldn't we. Well where are we going tonight then? CAROL: Home and then to bed, Remember? ANDY: I'll have to explain this at work though. I'll give Lawrence and Margaret a ring. We'll have a barbecue...sometime. You know how Lawrence is with barbecues, he loves them. CAROL: I hope he sees the funny side of one of his employees having a criminal record. ANDY: When I tell him about this he'll split his sides. --------------- 'THE WHICKER MAN', LAWRENCE AND MARGERET ARE IN THE STOCKS AS THE REGULARS THROW A VARIETY OF ROTTEN FRUIT AND GARBAGE AT THEM WHILE JEERING. LANDLORD: Roll up, roll up, beetroot slop only 50p a bucket. THE END Mark Bennett 1 Fields Road Congleton Cheshire CW12 3BA Tel: 01260 278085