MURDER AT THE T.P. RANCH __________________________ A Mystery Play in Three Acts by William C. Seward and Barbara Stopp Vance Copyright þ 1993 1904 Magnolia Drive by Bill Seward Round Rock, TX 78664 (512)255-7564 CAST OF CHARACTERS Terry Palmer: Owner of TP Dude Ranch. Marge Stanley: Housekeeper. Jack Kane: Employee, dude wrangler. George Kane: Jack's twin. Beulah Tucker: The cook. No nonsense, ruler of her domain, the kitchen. Very temperamental but an excellent cook. Chris Brown: Jack's girlfriend. City girl. Out of work nurse. Redding Thornton / Heron: Guest. Criminal turned federal witness. God's gift to women. Shelly Martin/Heron: Dan's watchdog. Traveling as wife. Parson Short: Famous detective. Special guest of Terry P. Scene: The living room/study of Terry Palmer, owner of the TP Dude Ranch, somewhere in Texas. Time: The present. ACT 1 SETTING: We are in the living room. There are two entrances. One from interior, one from exterior. There is mild clutter, enough to indicate party leftovers. Pictures are crooked, etc. Also on wall are a deer's head. Stuffed fish. A picture of a stork or other water bird on wall near desk. An old cabinet type radio is against one wall. AT RISE: Chris is in the room alone. Sons of the Pioneers music is playing softly in the background. Cue telephone ring and answer machine. ANSWERING MACHINE: (Terry's Voice) Howdy partner, you've reached the T.P. Ranch. We're out riding the range right now, but if you'd like to leave a message, just buckle up and do it at the beep. Thanks. CELEBRITY: (Voice, perhaps Willie Nelson) Say, Terry, about that gig you wanted. Can you pay cash? (George enters.) GEORGE: Well, hello there Chris. CHRIS: Oh, hi George. GEORGE: So how do you like the TP Dude ranch so far? CHRIS: It certainly is back in the boonies. GEORGE: (with a laugh.) What's the matter, city slicker, don't you like the fresh smell of hay and manure. CHRIS: Well, it is certainly not my idea of where I want to spend the rest of my life. Or even the next two weeks. GEORGE: I you really surprised me by coming out here. There aren't many nursing opportunities here on a dude ranch. CHRIS: I can assure you I didn't come out here to go job hunting. I had something else on my mind. GEORGE: Such as? CHRIS: Well, I uh..I just thought..... GEORGE: Yes? CHRIS: Oh, nothing. GEORGE: Oh come on Chris, you know you can talk to me. CHRIS: Yeah, good old dependable George. (Loosens up a bit) It's Jack. I just,....well, I don't understand him anymore. GEORGE: So who does? For someone a shallow as Jack, he sure causes a lot of deep thought. CHRIS: Oh, come on George, he's your brother . . . your twin brother at that. GEORGE: Why do people keep reminding me? CHRIS: It's just that it is so hard to believe you two are brothers. You are so serious all the time, and Jack never is. It's like he got all the sunshine and you got all the rain. If only he could be a little more like you, or you could be . . . GEORGE: A little more like him. I know. Say it. You've said it to me a hundred times. That's why we . . . well, you know . . . CHRIS: I didn't mean for this to come up again. I'm sorry I said anything. I have to go find Jack now. I guess I'll see you later. (Breezes out of the room to ext.) GEORGE: Ahhh, poor little Chris. Here she is in the middle of nowhere, waiting for someone who she doesn't even really know. (Exits int.) (Terry Palmer enters from ext. carrying halter, drapes it over couch. Tosses hat on one chair, coat on another, pulls off boots, throws them on floor.) TERRY: Whew! What a long day! I didn't think we'd ever get that stallion back in his stall. (Flops down on couch.) MRS. STANLEY: (enters from int.) Oh, there you are, Mr. Palmer. I was needed to tell you that the five gallons of molasses we ordered will not be here in time for the party. We'll have to cancel the taffy pull or come up with another recipe. TERRY: (With his head in his hands.) Mrs. Stanley, that is your department. For all I care, you can use Beulah's coffee. Please, it's been a long day. MRS. STANLEY: Yes, Mr. Palmer, it has. I just thought you might like to know. I know how you hate surprises. And another thing, twenty pounds of rat poison came in today. They delivered it to the house instead of the barn. Please have someone remove it. TERRY: Yes Mrs. Stanley. Is there anything else? MRS. STANLEY: No Sir, that's all. TERRY: Okay, Mrs. Stanley, I have something. Would you please turn off that music. I can't imagine how you stand to listen to that all day. We have to play it for the guests. That's more than enough. MRS. STANLEY: It brings back memories of how things used to be. Back in the days when this was a real working ranch. Not just a dude ranch for citified tenderfeet to come and play cowhand for a few days. TERRY: Mrs. Stanley, please, I really don't want to hear all this again. You've made your feelings quite clear on the matter. Just stick to your housekeeping, which you do so well. MRS. STANLEY: Of course, Mr. Palmer. After all, you're the boss. (Turns and leaves abruptly, brushing by Jack who is standing by the door. He has obviously been eavesdropping. He does not enter the room but continues to listen as Terry talks to himself.) TERRY: This place will be the death of me yet! I've got a ranch hand who would rather harass people than help them, a stallion who would rather run wild in the rain than stay in a dry stall, Attila the Hun for a cook, and housekeeper who acts like she owns the place. Sometimes I wonder what's the use of going on. Why not just give it up? (Flops on couch to rest. Jack disappears from doorway.) Lights are dimmed slightly, Jack enters with paraphernalia. Quietly fixes up Terry. It should not be readily clear that he is playing and not really killing Terry. Starts tape player, song is a sort of spooky, bizarre song. Jack exits to int. Now, we see Terry in a clown mask, apparently dead. Under a blanket, he has a knife hilt protruding from a note on his chest, a hangman's noose around his neck, perhaps a gun in his lifeless hand. Mrs. Stanley enters from int. and crosses the room not seeing the body. MRS. STANLEY: Oh, lordy, what a mess. (Starts to pick up litter and straighten pictures, etc. talking to self. She turns off the tape.) Terrible song, how can they stand it? I told you it would be like this, but no one would listen, not to me, I'm just the hired help. No one cares how it used to be. The name Stanley used to mean something. Only Jack remembers. (Still talking to herself, she takes off the blanket, not seeing the body.) And they complain about my music. It was loud enough to wake the . . . (Sees body and screams.) AAAAAAAAAAAH TERRY: (Only sleeping, jumps up with a yell.) Aaaaaaaaaah! Damn, you scared me! MRS. STANLEY: I scared you. What do you think you did to me? My heart nearly quit on me. I thought you were dead. TERRY: What do you mean dead, I just sacked out on the couch. (Takes off mask and examines it, looks down at knife handle) Maybe I am dead, wait. (Reads note.) "GOTCHA, HA HA." Jack must have done it, darn him, one day he's gonna pull one joke too many. MRS. STANLEY: Jack just gets a little carried away sometimes, that's all Mr. Palmer. TERRY: A little carried away? If it weren't for his practical jokes, Black Gold would still be here breeding champions. He was the finest stud in the state. I saved and scrimped for years for the chance to buy a quality stallion to establish a respected name for this place, and I lost it all in one sweep, thanks to Jack, who just got a 'little carried away.' MRS. STANLEY: That's not fair. Jack had no idea you would have Black Gold out that night. If you hadn't taken that horse out of the stable to show him off, it would never have happened. Jack had arranged the fireworks display weeks before. He wanted to liven up your big dinner party. He certainly had no idea that you would have to show off your prize stallion at 11:00 at night. TERRY: (Visibly emotionally upset, covers his face with his hands.) I keep seeing it over and over. Black Gold, racing across the paddock, screaming with terror, then with pain. To put down a horse like that . . .it's something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. MRS. STANLEY: Well, what's done is done. It's not like it's the end of the world. TERRY: (Looking up at her) Maybe not to you, but then what would you know about it? MRS. STANLEY: You forget, Mr. Palmer, that I do know what it's like. I have been in these parts far longer than you. There was a time when this ranch was well respected for many reasons. The time will come when. . . . TERRY: (Tiredly, like he has heard it all before.) Yes, yes,...I know. And sometimes you make it sound like you were responsible for it all. Sometimes you forget your place, Mrs. Stanley.. Shouldn't you be dusting or something? That is your job, isn't it? MRS. STANLEY: (Outraged.) How dare you! I'll have you know . . . TERRY: (Quite loudly.) That will be all, Mrs. Stanley. MRS. STANLEY: I won't stand for this. This is the last straw. You will have my letter of resignation in the morning. I shall be gone by the end of the week and you will be sorry. (Rushes out of the room past Jack) TERRY: (As she leaves) Now Mrs. Stanley, I assure you . . . JACK: (Bursts in from kitchen with cookies in hand and interrupts.) What's all the shouting about? (Looks at Terry) What's with the getup? TERRY: As if you didn't know. Ms. Stanley almost had a heart attack! What's the idea? (Holds up the mask.) JACK: (Innocently) I can't imagine what you mean. I certainly had nothing to do with it. TERRY: Cut the act, Jack Kane, you and your practical jokes have about worn out your welcome here. JACK: Just having fun, Palmer. Don't hold a grudge. Besides, what would you do without George and me? You couldn't handle all these tenderfeet by yourself. TERRY: Maybe I could handle things better if you acted more like George some of the time. JACK: Oh, here we go again. George this and George that, "why can't you be more like George?" I am sick of hearing about how wonderful George is. George is a boring old goody-goody who never had a day of fun in his life! George is an old stick in the mud without an ounce of humor. You know darned well that this place would be the pits if I weren't here to cheer things up. Face it Palmer, you need both of us and you know it. TERRY: That may be true, Jack, but so help me, if Mrs. Stanley leaves, you can just do the housework too! BEULAH: (Enters from int. with rolling pin in hand. Spies Jack with cookies.) You limp-wristed, bone-spavined, panty-waisted, slack-jawed buzzard. You yellow-bellied, pigeon-toed lunkhead. Turn my back for one second and you're into the pantry. Well, you stay out of my kitchen and out of the food or I'll slap a knot on your head like you ain't never seen. (threatens with rolling pin the whole time as others look on in amazement.) JACK: (Pretending fear, winks at Terry) I think she's hot for me, don't you? BEULAH: (Sniffs and turns back to the kitchen, exasperated.) And you've got a hole in your head, but that's beside the point. (Exits to int.) JACK: (To Terry) Why do you keep the old battle-axe? TERRY: Remember last night's venison chili? You ate enough for two. JACK: Forget I asked. CHRIS: (Entering from ext. calling) Jack, here you are! I've been looking all over for you. Oh..I hope I'm not interrupting anything. JACK: Hey, it's okay Baby. Look, would you mind just waiting here awhile? (To Terry) There's a problem at the serving shed which you should check on right away. We need you to make a decision. (Starts for the door) TERRY: Hold on a minute. I am still in charge here. I haven't even had time for a cup of . . . (Mrs. Stanley enters and hands him a cup of coffee from her tray. It is the only cup already filled.) Oh,...uh, thanks. (Takes quick sips and then hands it to Chris as he follows Jack out the door.) Beulah will skin me if I take this out again. Okay, let's go. (TERRY exits. Chris plops down on the sofa with the coffee mug in her hands. Mrs. Stanley eyes the mug warily. Chris wraps both hands around it, but does not drink.) CHRIS: Isn't this just great? Here I am alone again. I came all the way out here from Dallas to be with Jack, and he doesn't even have time for me. MRS. STANLEY: (Soothingly) There, there. What's the matter dear? You sound so depressed. CHRIS: It's Jack. He's so . . . infuriating. He has no..ambition. I want to get married and move to Austin. My uncle has offered him a job with the savings and loan but Jack says he can't work inside at a desk all day. He just can't seem to be serious for longer than ten seconds at a time. MRS. STANLEY: (With a smile.) It's not my business, but George seems more level-headed. Why didn't you fall for him? CHRIS: I don't know. I met Jack first. He seemed so happy and fun to be with. He made me laugh. Actually, George and I went out a couple of times but it just didn't work. He is so serious, and always broke. Jack just seems . . . so full of life. I just wish he would grow up. Do you know that last night he pretended to be George and asked me to the hayride? Luckily, I smelled his aftershave, so I knew he was trying to trick me. If not for that . . . (Shakes her head.) Actually the whole idea of dating twins is kind of scary. If they weren't so different in personality, I'd have a hard time telling them apart. MRS. STANLEY: Well, take your time to get to know them better, or you may be asking for trouble. (Leaves room after a worried look at the coffee cup.) CHRIS: (Rises, browses, has seen this room many times already. Clown mask catches eye, also bird. Starts to stir coffee, Sets coffee cup down. Picks up magazine on radio. Speaks to deer head.) They call you John, don't they? Yes. Well, what do you think I should do? If I was still in nursing I could have married a doctor by now. Now I'm trapped. He won't let me go. (Pause) I wonder what it is that Terry's got on him. Oh, you're no help! (Turns, pouting.) MR. HERON: (Enters from ext. with Mrs. Heron and bags. They are talking and do not at first notice Chris.) Well, this is sure some hole in the wall you picked for us. Why couldn't you hide me somewhere more civilized? This looks like a cross between Bonanza and The Addams Family. (He notices Chris and looks her up and down.) Why hello, sweet thing, who are you? CHRIS: (Flustered) Oh, uh, no-one, I mean, Chris, I guess. Mr. Palmer's not here, would you like for me to get him? MR. HERON: Oh, then you don't work here. Just my luck. Well, yes, we need to check in. It looks like a nice place, especially the scenery. Looking Chris over again.) MRS. HERON: (Having heard all this before.) Yes, dearie, run along and get the owner. Mr. Thornton..... I mean.. (sees picture of bird on wall.) Heron is impatient. CHRIS: Huh! Flounces off ext. in a huff.) MR. HERON: Now, puddin,' you didn't have to do that. You've hurt her feelings, and just as we were getting acquainted. MRS. HERON: Getting in hot water is more like it. You promised you wouldn't on this trip. The whole purpose for being here is to dodge your ex-friends in Dallas and elsewhere. The D.A. wants you back safe and sound next week, and I'm responsible for getting you there. MR. HERON: Okay, okay, you're right. So, what can I do here if I can't enjoy the local talent? MRS. HERON: Just lie low, preferably alone. We don't need trouble with the locals. Play it cool. It's only for a few days. MR. HERON: Well I still say they'd never have caught me without somebody's snitching. (Beulah enters from int. with tray of cookies. Puts down by coffee carafe. Sees the Herons and leaves, saying nothing. Herons watch her leave, look at each other, shrug.) (Jack enters from ext.) JACK: Mr. Palmer will be right in. Oh, well if it ain't Red Thornton. How's it going? I thought you were in Dallas. HERON: Why, hello . . . MRS. HERON: (Interrupting) I'm sorry, you're mistaken. This is Mr. Heron. You must be thinking of someone else. JACK: Don't give me that, I'd know Red anywhere. Say, does Mitchell know where you . . .wait a minute, I bet he doesn't. I'll bet he'd like to, though. MRS. HERON: And I'm telling you, fellow, this is Mr. Heron, from Pittsburgh. You could get in a lot of trouble spreading rumors. JACK: Yeah, sure. Especially with Mitchell going to trial next week. Oh, here's Palmer now. TERRY: (Enters from ext.) Welcome, Chris said you want to check in. We don't usually get guests in the middle of the week. You didn't make a reservation, did you? MRS. HERON: Well, no, do we need one? TERRY: No, no, I was just afraid I had lost it. I've had trouble with the mail lately. MRS. HERON: Oh, then you do have a vacancy? TERRY: Yes, we've only one guest at present, Cabin 9, but he's here for the peace and quiet. We haven't seen him since he checked in. Of course, we have the staff. You can have your pick of the cabins. MRS. HERON: Peace and quiet sounds good. We'll want to stay several days, will that be a problem? TERRY: Not at all, though perhaps I should warn you that on Saturday we're hosting a picnic for the T.I.C. employees. It'll be noisy, with music and a fake gunfight. But that only lasts a few hours. They'll be gone by dark. MR. HERON: (Sarcastically) Sounds like loads of fun. TERRY: Oh, it is. We do several of these a year. It helps keep the doors open. MRS. HERON: I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll pay for a week in advance. Is cash acceptable? TERRY: (Stunned) Oh, uh, yes, of course. (Consults chart.) Jack, take these folks to Cabin 5. Oh, I'll need your name for the register. MRS. HERON: Mr..... and Mrs., uh, Heron, Red Heron. MR. HERON: (Surprised, jovial.) Why yes, of course, the little woman and I can hardly wait to get settled. (Winks at Terry and pats Mrs. Heron on hip, she bristles and glares at him but says nothing. Mr. Heron turns to Jack, offers mint.) Breathmint? (Jack takes one.) JACK: Don't mind if I do. (Grabs whole roll and puts in shirt pocket. Heron smiles, Mrs. Heron looks shocked and tries to get them back.) MR. HERON: (As they exit.) Say, what happened to that twin brother you had, the mean one. (Mrs. Stanley enters from int. dust rag in hand. Looking for coffee cup.) TERRY: Ms. Stanley, we've just got a couple of new guests. Interesting couple. Did you see them? MRS. STANLEY: No Sir, but I couldn't help hearing them. TERRY: Jovial man, Mr. Heron. I wonder who he really is? MRS. STANLEY: Excuse me, Sir? TERRY: Nothing, nothing. CHRIS: (Enters from ext.) Where's Jack? TERRY: You just missed him. CHRIS: It seems I've always just missed him. (Takes piece of candy from the box, puts it back, chooses another and then flounces out) Someday he'll be sorry he didn't have more time for me. MRS. STANLEY: Let me warm up your coffee Sir. TERRY: Thanks, maybe I can finish it now. JACK: (Enters from ext. with mail.) The mail's here, thought I'd bring it in for you. (Hands it to Terry. Turns away.) TERRY: Jack, do you know why this letter is open? JACK: No, can't say, bad glue I guess. TERRY: Yeah, I guess. (Looks to see that Mrs. Stanley is out of earshot.) Just you remember, I've got a certain piece of paper that some folks would be mighty interested in. I suggest you watch yourself. (Raises voice) Come on, Ms. Stanley, let's go over the menu with Beulah. (Takes fresh cup from Mrs. S. Another quick sip. Sets on desk by candy. Exits to int. with Mrs. Stanley in tow. Talking.) MRS. STANLEY: By the way, George carried that rat poison out to the barn. He said the mixup was his fault, he misunderstood the delivery man. (Jack makes sure they are gone. Looks out the int. door. Speaks into next room.) George, make me a sandwich will you? (Turns, talks to self.) I'll let him deal with the old bat. (Snoops around. Shakes out a book or two, looks behind pictures. Mrs. Stanley enters again from int., quietly.) MRS. STANLEY: What do you think you're doing, Jack? You're going to ruin everything. JACK: What do you know about it? Palmer's got me boxed. There's no way out. MRS. STANLEY: I'll tell you later, I have to get back. Just take it easy for now. (Picks up cup but hears Terry calling her name so abandons it. Exits again to int.) JACK: (Addresses deer head) Where is it, John? Where does he keep it? If I can't find it, it's all over. (Picks up piece of candy from Whitman Sampler.) Why, George, how thoughtful of you to bring Chris a Whitman Sampler! You remembered that I like the coconut and you left the last one for me. (Pops it into mouth, turns on radio. Song is "I'll Be Seeing You." Drinks from cup. Puts on mask and admires self in mirror near ext. door. Hands to chest, staggers to sofa and collapses. Mrs. Stanley enters from int. Turns off music again. Sees Jack, tries to wake him up. Screams.) END ACT I ACT II AT RISE: Body is gone. Time is about one hour later. Present are Terry, Mr. Heron, and Mrs. Heron. Terry is pacing the floor. Mr. Heron is uncertain. Mrs. Heron is apprehensive and quite indignant that all this has happened in the middle of her 'job'. MRS. HERON: So Miss Brown took Mr. Kane to the hospital. She didn't strike me as capable of it. TERRY: Chris is okay. She's really brighter than she acts. She was a nurse after all. MRS. HERON: I heard he has a brother, George, has he gone to the hospital as well? TERRY: Yes, you could say that. MR. HERON: Where's the lady who found him? What's her name? Stanley? Must have been a shock. MRS. HERON: She's lying down in her room. Chris gave her something to calm her. TERRY: Thank you for your understanding. Nothing like this has ever happened here before. (Chris enters, shocked, agitated.) CHRIS: Oh, Mr. Palmer, he's dead. We didn't make it in time. It was awful! TERRY: Oh, my God! I am so sorry. Did the doctor report it to the Sheriff? CHRIS: I don't know. I suppose so. He was running tests. He doesn't think it was a simple collapse. (Phone rings, Terry answers.) TERRY: (On phone) Yes. Yes, Jim, we just heard from Miss Brown. Okay. Are you sure? Yes, he's still staying here. I'll connect you. (Taps switch, dials number.) The Deputy Sheriff would like to speak to you, Sir. Here he is. (Turns and addresses Chris.) Well, we can expect our guest from Cabin #9. CHRIS: Really, are you sure? TERRY: Yes, he's talking to the Deputy now. MR. HERON: What about number 9? I don't understand. TERRY: I'll have to save it till we're all together. Mrs. Heron, would you please go and get Ms. Stanley and Beulah...... oh, forget Mrs. Stanley. Here she is. (Mrs. Stanley enters from int. downcast while Mrs. Heron exits to int.) MRS. STANLEY: Did you want me, Mr. Palmer? TERRY: Yes, Ms. Stanley, I'm afraid I have some bad news. Miss Brown just returned and Jack, I'm sorry to say, is dead. MRS. STANLEY: (Aghast) Oh no, not Jack! That's not possible. (Looks around in horror. Sinks into sofa, realizes that it is the death site, jumps up again, distraught. She is well near collapse, but forces herself to speak.) I must go to him! TERRY: Not yet Mrs. Stanley, I'm afraid we must all wait here. MRS. STANLEY: Wait? For what? MR. HERON: Mr. Palmer's not telling us until the mysterious guest from #9 gets here. MRS. STANLEY: Oh, yes, it would have to be him. I guess it can't be helped. TERRY: (To Mr. Heron.) Patience, unless I miss my guess, that's him now. (Beulah and Mrs. Heron enter from int. as Parson enters from ext. He is in command.) TERRY: Allow me to introduce Parson Short. MR. HERON: Guten Tag, Herr Klaus. TERRY: Oh, you've met? MR. HERON: Only briefly, the inspector probably doesn't remember. PARSON: On the contrary, I remember only too well. (Picks up register) Mr. . . . ....Heron, is it this time? (Mr. Heron nods.) TERRY: We're all here now, Short, except for Jack, and George of course. PARSON: Yes, Deputy Bratton has informed me. The Medical Examiner seems to feel that Mr. Kane had a bit of help in his collapse. The deputy says Sheriff Crawford is away for a convention. His instructions are that this case be turned over to me. (Sees coffee cup, picks it up.) MRS. HERON: Isn't that somewhat irregular? PARSON: My dear, sudden death is irregular, but I have helped the county authorities before and they have some respect for my limited talents. TERRY: Well, Sir, you helped my cousin, so I certainly have reason to trust you. What do you want to ....? CHRIS: (Interrupting) Oh my gosh! Now I remember! I saw him on the radio! MR. HERON: You saw him? MRS. HERON: On the radio? CHRIS: Yes, on the radio. (Crosses to radio) Here, on this magazine. (Holds up magazine,"People" maybe, with Parson on cover.) The Twin Peaks case. He solved the Laura Palmer murder. (General looks of astonishment, all look at Terry.) MRS. STANLEY: My boy showed me that. PARSON: Yes, quite an interesting case. But simple really. The FBI man was a twit. Now let us get started. Mr. Palmer, how long had Jack Kane worked for you? TERRY: Only about four months. He started first and then his brother, George. PARSON: Yes, the mysterious George. The two were quite difficult to tell apart, weren't they? TERRY: Not so much, they never dressed completely alike, and Jack wears glasses. PARSON: Yes, quite so. May I see your employee records? TERRY: Of course. (Gets them from desk. Then gets certificate from behind deer head.) Here, you might as well have this also. PARSON: Yes, this will be useful. MRS. STANLEY: So that's where it was. TERRY: (Glancing at Mrs. Stanley.) I must say, Jack certainly did his work well enough. It was just his constant jokes and tricks. PARSON: But isn't it true that one of his recent tricks cost you a great deal of money and the loss of a valuable horse? TERRY: Well, yes, but it wasn't entirely his fault. PARSON: I see. Who's coffee is this? (Smells) TERRY: I believe it was mine. That's the cup I always use. PARSON: Did you drink it? TERRY: About half, I was rather rushed. I handed it to Chris on my way out the door. CHRIS: But I didn't drink it. When I left, it was on the table by the candy. PARSON: And where did the candy come from? CHRIS: It was a gift from George. PARSON: And what was the occasion? CHRIS: No occasion. George bought it for me. He knows it's my favorite, well, Jack's too. Jack loved the coconut. Everyone always left some for him. (Weeps) PARSON: Interesting, (Consults list) Mrs. Stanley. MRS. STANLEY: Yes, Sir? PARSON: I would suppose you've been employed here for many years. MRS. STANLEY: No Sir. The ranch has only been open for two years. I started then. Mr. Palmer was alone here and needed the help. I kind of felt sorry for him. PARSON: Are you married, any children? MRS. STANLEY: I'm widowed, I . . . had a son. PARSON: I take it you are from here. MRS. STANLEY: (Proudly) Five generations. PARSON: Do you like your job? MRS. STANLEY: Most of the time. At the moment I'd rather be anywhere else. (Rises) PARSON: Quite understandable. Did you make the coffee this morning? MRS. STANLEY: I make it every day. Mr. Palmer is very particular about it. PARSON: What about the cook, Mrs. Tucker? BEULAH: That coffee is for Mr. Palmer. Mrs. Stanley takes care of it. TERRY: I prefer Mrs. Stanley's coffee. Beulah's is rather unique. Nothing personal, Beulah. BEULAH: I make my coffee for real men. Not rhinestone cowboys. Black as pitch and twice as strong. Add grounds to the pan every day and in a week it starts having character. PARSON: I see. You may as well know now that Mr. Kane's body was examined and a poisonous substance was found in his bloodstream. MR. HERON: Must have been something he ate. MRS. STANLEY: Oh, no. (Sits again.) BEULAH: I hope no one is implying that my cooking......! PARSON: I am 'implying' nothing madam. I am merely stating the facts. TERRY: Are you suggesting murder? PARSON: That's one interpretation. There are others. (Consults list.) Mr. . . . Heron. MR. HERON: Yes. PARSON: I am aware of your real name, and your need for privacy. Has Mr. Kane's path crossed yours . . . before? MR. HERON: I don't know what you mean. MRS. HERON: Is this necessary? PARSON: Please, Miss..or, (Checks list) Mrs. Heron, is it? Your turn will come. Circumstances make it necessary. I will endeavor to be discreet. Answer the question Sir, you know to what I'm referring. MR. HERON: (Glancing at Mrs. Heron.) I see what you mean. The answer is, well, yes. But that was a long time ago. I had not seen him since. PARSON: That will do for now. Okay, Mrs. Heron, same question. Did you know Mr. Kane in a professional capacity, or otherwise? MRS. HERON: You're walking a thin line, but I've heard of you. At the risk of compromising myself, I'll have to say no, although his face did seem familiar. PARSON: Just how far will you go to preserve a cover, Mrs. Heron? MRS. HERON: I resent the implication, Short. PARSON: If I am wrong I will apologize. Miss Brown, am I right in assuming you were intimate with Mr. Kane? CHRIS: If you mean Jack, we were to be married soon. MRS. STANLEY: That's a lie. CHRIS: Well, we would have, I mean as soon as he settled down. He didn't have much ambition, but we loved each other very much. MRS. STANLEY: (To Beulah.) And often, too. PARSON: How did Mr. Kane like his coffee? MR. HERON: He means with or without poison! PARSON: Please be silent Mr. Heron. Your presence here is distraction enough. (To Chris.) Shall I repeat my question? CHRIS: No, no, Jack liked it anyway he got it, even cold. It made me positively ill to see him drink hours old coffee. PARSON: Do you know if he favored wintergreen breath mints? CHRIS: Not that I ever noticed. PARSON: So, you would be surprised to know they found a roll in his personal effects. MR. HERON: Hey, those were mine! Mrs. Heron gave them to me! I had only gotten one out before Jack swiped the whole roll. PARSON: (Turning.) Mrs. Stanley. MRS. STANLEY: (Startled.) Yes, Sir. PARSON: I understand you found the body. Would you describe it. MRS. STANLEY: Halting Yes, Sir. He was collapsed on the sofa. The clown mask was on his face. A tape was playing, I turned it off. PARSON: Did you say he was wearing the clown mask? Extraordinary Mrs. Tucker, your culinary skill is above reproach. What were your dealings with Mr. Kane? MRS. STANLEY: She threatened to rearrange his face with a rolling pin. BEULAH: It was just a game we played. Jack was just big for his britches. I had to take him down a notch now and then. PARSON: I see, I believe that concludes my questions. If you would all go to the other room now, I would like to inspect the premises myself. I'll ask you all to see that no one leaves the house. (All exit to Int. except Parson. He looks around the room for a long minute, then turns to audience.) PARSON: I believe I have the answer, but before I call the authorities to collect the guilty party, or parties, I must allow you to consider your own solutions. (Give details of turning in solutions if this is audience participation.) End Act II Act III AT RISE: Room empty except for SHORT. PARSON: Would you all please re-enter this room? (All enter, all are nervous, glancing about. Men allow ladies to enter and sit first.) CHRIS: (To Beulah while entering.) Did you say bow-dan? You made that word up, I'll bet. PARSON: Please. We must cover a few more questions before we finish. Mr. Palmer, why did you allow Jack Kane to carry on this pretense about his mythical brother George? (All react to this news except Mrs. Stanley and Terry. Also, as each person's name is called they react.) TERRY: It seemed harmless enough, at first I believed him, but when I checked his citizenship he gave me that birth certificate. I never returned it. I let him know that, if things got out of hand, I would expose him. I think, sometimes, he even believed it himself. He certainly worked hard enough. CHRIS: (Overwhelmed) What? What are you saying? Jack and George are the same person? That's ridiculous! That's not possible! PARSON: Surely, Miss Brown, you suspected. In my experience, women are the hardest to fool in these matters. CHRIS: (Coolly) I was never intimate with George . . . I mean . . . if they were . . . that would mean that I . . . I told . . . Oh my gosh! (stops, confused.) PARSON: Quite so. Although you were unhappy with his ambition, or lack of it, I see no evidence that you felt driven to murder. There are others whose motive was stronger. Mr. Heron. MR. HERON: (Startled, both he and Mrs. Heron react.) Yes. PARSON: In the past, you have played fast and loose with the law. At this point you are aiding it. Your class of criminal is far beyond whatever petty chicanery Mr. Kane has been involved in. However, I may disapprove of quasi-legal bargaining in general, and protecting you in particular, you are not my concern at this time. Mrs. Heron here, on the other hand, represents the legal system, as do I, and might not willingly jeopardize her current mission. Both of you may have felt threatened by Jack Kane's presence. Your actions here, though, lead me to believe that such a threat was not solid enough for direct action - yet. MRS. HERON: Thanks, I think. PARSON: You're welcome.. Mrs. Tucker. BEULAH: Yes. PARSON: My compliments on your culinary accomplishments. (Beulah nods.) How would you handle someone you caught tampering with one of your meals. (Beulah matter-of-factly pulls a large cleaver from her apron and hefts it suggestively.) PARSON: I thought so. You see, she would no more add poison to one of her creations than allow others to do so. Now for Mr. Palmer. He did have a grudge against the deceased. Although he bordered on blackmail and assisted a fraud, perhaps unknowingly; he gains little, otherwise, by Kane's death. In fact, he loses two employees. No, I'm afraid that Marjorie Stanley is the guilty party. MRS. STANLEY: You're insane. Why would I want Jack dead? PARSON: You didn't. Because you are his mother. (Waves certificate) In point of fact, your true crime is the attempted murder of Terry Palmer. MRS. HERON: Mr. Palmer? But how? Why? PARSON: She has been poisoning him slowly for two years. By the symptoms, I would say Chromium Arsenate. If you will examine your fingernails, Sir, you may see the tell-tale white spots. She places a small dose in each cup of coffee. Your body gradually builds up an actual need for it. She was sure that she would eventually be fired or would quit. Within a month after she left, Palmer would die of apparent heart failure. There would be no evidence, for he would be dying, not from a poison, but a lack of it. TERRY: I can't believe this. Why would she want me dead? PARSON: You are a relative newcomer here, you should read your local newspaper, if not the county history. (Indicates book.) I have subscribed to the local paper ever since my last visit here. (Turns to Mrs. Stanley.) Was Stanley your maiden name? (Back to Terry) Her parents once owned this whole valley. When they died, her step-brother cheated her of her part and sold it all to you. He has since died, mysteriously, and if you died also your payments stop and all will revert to her as the only heir. MRS. STANLEY: I wanted it all for Jack. It should have been his. My cheating step-brother got what he deserved. I only wanted what was right for Jack. (Turns to Terry) It broke my heart to see you ruin this place to cater to the whims of city people with no idea of what a real ranch should be. TERRY: And you really believed Jack could have run this ranch? MRS. STANLEY: Jack was a good boy. Maybe he got into some trouble when he was younger, but he was trying. That's why he invented George. George was everything Jack should have been but wasn't. He tried to become George, but so many people.. (looks at Chris.) kept wanting Jack to be himself. (Back to Terry) At least the home place would have been back in the family where it belonged. TERRY: We had our differences, but I never knew . . . MRS. STANLEY: Never knew that my family owned this ranch? You never even bothered to find out. TERRY: (To Parson) But what about this arsenate stuff? Just what are you saying? PARSON: Only that your body adjusted to the gradually increasing dosage. She started with a small amount in your coffee each day and gradually increased the amount. (Looks to Mrs. Stanley) Yes, after two years, I would imagine the amount must be quite lethal to anyone who has not built up an immunity. Poor Jack. It was quite too much for his system. You missed your mark entirely, Madame. (Mrs. Stanley breaks down. Parson looks to Terry again.) You, my friend, would have become quite ill when Mrs. Stanley left or stopped the dosage. Your body would crave a substance you no longer received. Eventually, you would have succumbed to an apparent heart attack. TERRY: Well, I guess it's the hospital for me, but it was good coffee. What'll happen to her? MRS. HERON: She's sure to get life. PARSON: On the contrary, attempted murder is seldom so serious. CHRIS: But what about Jack's death? PARSON: If I know my Texas juries, she'll never answer for it. TERRY: How so? PARSON: It has been demonstrated that Jack was a chronic practical joker. TERRY: That's certainly true. PARSON: With that fact, the verdict will undoubtedly be Justifiable Homicide! TERRY: You've done it again, Parson. THE END