A TREE FALLS By Ross P. Steel (Copyright 1997 by Ross P. Steel) ACT I The setting consists of an hotel room and, if the stage configuration permits, portions of the two adjacent rooms. The center room contains a queen size bed, its head against the wall separating the room from the one at stage left, a bedside table, with a lamp and telephone, and on the opposite wall a low chest of drawers, on which a T.V. set is placed. A small round table and two chairs are at stage front, presumably in front of a window looking out into the audience. At the rear, a corridor on the right side of the room leads to the entry door; to the left of the corridor is a bathroom not visible to the audience, the entry to it leading off the corridor. A closet with mirrored sliding doors is in the wall between the bathroom and the bedroom. The other two rooms, if visible at all, are mirror images of the center room, but we see only a slice of each, the unseen portions extending into the wings. The furnishings are typical of moderately-priced American chain hotel/motel rooms, to be found in the vicinity of many Interstate Highways or airports. The surfaces are clean, new, and predominantly plastic made to look like something else. As the lights come up to the dim level of an early, gray morning, Harry Taylor is just beginning to stir in the bed in the center room. He mumbles and moans a few times, thrashes a little, and then sits up with a start. Harry, a well-preserved 55 or so, is dressed in a white shirt, open at the collar, a loose tie, and undershorts. HARRY (a bit dazed, staring at the audience) What the....I must be in the hospital. But this doesn't look much like any hospital I've ever seen. It looks more like the Holiday Inn in Bakersfield. He gets up and (in pantomime) draws back the drapes to look out the window (stage front). HARRY Nothing there. Blankest looking view I ever saw. It could be anywhere. He goes to the bedside table and picks up phone, punches a button. HARRY Where am I? (Pause) Do you speak English? (Pause) Habla espanol? (Pause; hangs up phone.) Harry inspects the room, goes into the bathroom, then inspects the closet, in which a suit is hanging. HARRY That's my gray suit, all right. I was wearing it when...when.... Jesus, it's beginning to come back to me. Jesus, was that a dream... or is this a dream? No, that wasn't a dream. It couldn't have been. I went up to the 40th floor, and I climbed the stairs to the roof, and I walked to the edge, and I... I.... Jesus! Maybe that was a dream. But no, Sierra Nevada going in the tank; that wasn't a dream. Resolution Trust; that was no dream, no dream. And my suspension; that was real; and my firm, my firm, Heimlich, Brown, Bernstein and Taylor, my own firm, with my own name in it, Heimlich, Brown, Bernstein and Taylor, asking me to resign; never in a million years could I have dreamed that. Maybe this, this now, this Holiday Inn, God knows where; maybe this is a dream, but the roof was not, not a dream. Jesus, if that really happened, if I jumped off that roof, then this, this is.... No, I don't believe it. This is a vision, an out of body experience, one of those things that happens to people when they're suspended somewhere between life and death; that's what it is. The sound of a toilet flushing at stage right. Harry looks in the direction of the sound, goes to a door between his room and the room to the right, and pounds on it. HARRY Hello! Hello in there, is anybody there? (Pause) Hola, quien esta alla? Harry pounds on door again. Boris Ulyanov appears from upstage (bathroom) into room at right. He is about Harry's age, shorter, stocky. He is dressed in an old-fashioned undershirt with buttons down the front and dark trousers. Boris is still fastening the belt on his trousers as he shuffles to the door between his room and Harry's. He speaks fluent English, with a slight Russian accent. BORIS What is it; hold everything; I'm coming; I'm coming. HARRY (finally hearing Boris) Open the door; I want to talk. Harry turns the bolt on his side of the door and opens door, but he is faced with a second door on the other side, which has no handle on his side. He pounds again on it. Boris fumbles with his side of door, finally gets it open. Boris and Harry are face to face. HARRY Who are you? BORIS (extending his hand) Boris Ulyanov, at your service. Harry takes Boris's hand and shakes it. They stand facing in the doorway. HARRY Harry Taylor; pleased to meet you. Do you know where we are? BORIS California somewhere; near Los Angeles. Don't you know? HARRY The last I can remember, I was on top of an office building in Century City, but I have no idea where I am now. BORIS (still standing in doorway between the rooms) May I come in and sit down? HARRY Of course; forgive me. Come on in. They sit on the two chairs at stage front, the round table between them. HARRY Do you mind if I call you Boris? BORIS Sure, Harry. This is America, after all. (Pause) This place is some kind of hospital, no? HARRY Does it look like a hospital to you? BORIS Well, I've never been in a real American hospital. I've seen them in the films, of course. But things in America aren't always the same as they appear in your movies, particularly when you compare American movies of the 1940's with America of the 1990's. (Pause) This isn't a hospital? HARRY That isn't a hospital bed, and there's no oxygen outlet and no track for a curtain to pull around the bed. In a hospital, there would be table that sits over the bed to hold your food tray.... No, I don't think so. This looks more like a cheap hotel to me. BORIS Actually, it looks a lot like a room in a motel in New Jersey where I met a contact in my KGB days. I suppose you are correct. This is not a hospital. (Long pause) I must be dreaming. HARRY What's the last thing you remember? I mean, before coming here. BORIS I was riding in a car, a large American car, a limousine I believe, and we were coming from dinner, it was in Beverly Hills; or the dinner, it was in Beverly Hills. I'm not sure where the car was at that moment, and I began to have pains, very bad pains in the stomach ... no, more in the chest I think, and I was having a hard time breathing; and I must have fainted; and then I woke up in bed here, in the next room, and I felt I had to empty my bowels, and then you knocked on the door. HARRY We're dead. This is heaven... or hell... or some place you go after death. Maybe we're somewhere waiting to be judged and sent on. I don't know exactly. BORIS Impossible. There is no such thing as the afterlife; it's just a superstition. HARRY Where are we then? BORIS This is a dream. I had too much to eat, too much rich food, and to drink--wine, bottles of wine, and cognac; and I passed out. This is an alcohol-induced dream, that's all. HARRY I don't think so. I didn't have any alcohol. I jumped off the top of a forty story building.... And you had severe chest pains before you lost consciousness, a heart attack I bet. We're both dead, don't you see. BORIS No! If I were dead, there would be nothing. Oblivion. The after life is not a concept I can accept. I am a Marxist. There is no life after death. There is no soul that goes to heaven or hell or anyplace else once the body has ceased to function. I do not accept such quaint, pietistic superstitions. HARRY Did you say you worked for the KGB? Do you mean you are a communist spy? BORIS (laughing) I once worked for the Committee for State Security, KGB you call it. Unfortunately, I am no longer employed there. I became redundant. I was riffed (which he pronounces "reefed"), as you say. HARRY "Reefed"? What is that in English? BORIS You don't know the term? It's an American slang expression. R.I.F. means "reduction in force", mostly a government aparat expression, I believe. The victims of an R.I.F. are said to have been riffed: r-i-f- f- e-d, you see. I'm surprised that you don't know the expression, whereas I, a Russian, do. HARRY Your English is very good. BORIS American language is my career, my life work. I was trained at Moscow University, and then the KGB trained me well too, and I try hard to keep up with the latest vernacular. HARRY I suppose the KGB is no more, since the fall of communism in your country. BORIS The KGB still exists, under different names. Unfortunately, with the end of the Soviet Union and the idiots in charge of the Russian government, there is no money for such a large Committee on State Security as there was when the Soviet Union was the leader of the socialist world. Many of us lost our jobs and joined the great body of unemployed that capitalism has created. HARRY And what do you do now that you are no longer a spy... or what did you do before... before coming here? BORIS Calling me a spy is a romantic, bourgeois concept. I was never a James Bond character. Oh, for a short time, while I was in our U.N. mission in New York, I did have a couple of undercover contacts I managed, but for the most part I just studied America by reading what you could buy from any book store or news stand, or most of all from your Government Printing Office. And from watching American television and moving pictures. Ask me any movie question you want, and I bet I can answer it. I could go on one of your quiz shows and beat anyone, as long as the topic is American films. Go ahead, ask me. HARRY I can't think of any right now, I'm afraid. But if you left the K.G.B., what were you doing in Los Angeles? BORIS I had a temporary job as an interpreter for a group of state aircraft factory managers who were in America trying to get contracts to fabricate parts for American aircraft companies. That's the sort of thing I do now, when I can get the work. HARRY And you don't believe you're dead? BORIS Even though it is out of fashion, I am still a materialist. But the fact that you seem to believe this is somewhat amusing. Tell me, are you a religious person? HARRY I've always considered myself a Jew, but I couldn't say I was deeply religious, not like some people. BORIS And do you believe in heaven, hell, and all that... that sort of thing? HARRY Well, yes in a way. I mean, I always believed that we would pay for our sins, sometime, some way, and that our good deeds would be rewarded, but I never had any clear picture of what happened after death. I mean, belief in heaven and hell is, it's sort of optional for Jews, you know, and I was never sure. BORIS And now... now you are sure? HARRY Well, I guess I've considered all the possibilities, and I don't really see any alternative. I mean, after jumping from the roof of a forty story building, I must be dead. And if I must be dead, then you must be dead too. (Pause) Where were you headed when you had your heart attack? BORIS It was not a heart attack. It was dyspepsia, that's all. There was never anything wrong with my heart. HARRY Well, where were you heading when you had your attack of dyspepsia? That means severe indigestion, doesn't it? BORIS Yes, of course. I was headed to Santa Monica. Our hotel is in Santa Monica. There are aircraft factories in Santa Monica, right? HARRY If you had dinner in Beverly Hills, and you were headed for Santa Monica, you would go right past Century City. We must have died almost at the same time and same place. So that's why we've ended up together here. BORIS You don't look like someone who jumped from a tall building. You should be bloody; your bones should look broken. HARRY Doesn't that prove I'm dead? This is not the world we knew. We are on another plane, where our bodies, or a vision of our bodies, have been re...reconstituted. Harry's hands have been resting on the table. He lifts one hand and pinches the flesh on top of the other. He starts. HARRY That hurt. I can still feel pain. BORIS What does that do to your theory about your body? HARRY The souls in hell feel pain. What does that do to your theory that this is a dream? BORIS I don't understand your question. HARRY In America, at least, you pinch yourself to see if you are dreaming. If it hurts, it is not a dream. BORIS (laughs) Oh, yes, I think I remember Cary Grant doing that in a film. But the fact that you feel pain does not prove that I am not dreaming; that you are not just a character in my dream. HARRY Pinch yourself. See if you feel pain. BORIS (laughs harder) I feel nothing. I lost consciousness in great pain, but now it is totally gone. Even the need to move my bowels was an illusion. HARRY I didn't see you pinch yourself. How can you be so sure you're dreaming? Boris brings one hand toward the other, as if to repeat Harry's gesture of pinching himself, but then stops. BORIS No, this is ridiculous. I will wake up, and you will disappear. HARRY You're a typical communist, aren't you? Afraid of the truth. (Pause) I wonder if you're going to be my sole companion through eternity. BORIS (laughing again, a bit forced this time) Fits your concept of hell, does it. But not mine. I actually enjoy the company of most Americans, however naive their ideological development may be. Are you a capitalist? HARRY Lawyer, actually, but I suppose in your eyes I was a capitalist. BORIS Attorney at law; what could better typify the American capitalist system. Did you work for the big corporations? HARRY Savings and loans mostly, almost entirely for the last seven or eight years. Some of them got to be quite big. BORIS If you were a lawyer for the big American corporations, you must have wealth and power, at the top of the heap, you would say. Why would you jump out of your office window? HARRY It was from the roof, actually. In 1929 people jumped out of windows. In 1993, the windows don't open. I had good reasons. It wasn't just a sudden impulse. BORIS I was at the top of the heap like you, working for the KGB, but I lost all that. I didn't take my life. What was so terrible that made you do it? HARRY It's not easy to explain. Sure, I was at the top of the heap, as you put it. And then I lost it all, not just my job, like you. I lost that too, but that was just the beginning. I lost a lot more with it. I'm not sure how to say it, but I lost a sense of who I was and of what my life was good for. I was disgraced. I kept feeling I couldn't go anywhere, see anyone I knew, look anyone in the eye, without their either feeling sorry for me, or having contempt for me, or maybe both at the same time, if you know what I mean. That's why I did it. BORIS You did something crooked and were caught, is that it? HARRY I did nothing, nothing wrong at all. I did what everybody always did. They just decided to change the rules on me, that's all. I was as blameless as...as some animal that you would snare for its fur. BORIS Like a leopard, maybe, a beautiful animal that eats smaller, weaker animals. Is that what you mean? HARRY Communist bastard! (Pause) I never ate anyone. I never meant to hurt anybody. BORIS But people were hurt anyway, is that so? HARRY Why do you say that? What do you know about it? BORIS I don't know what you did, but when you say, "I never meant to hurt anybody," that suggests to me that people were hurt. You could have said, "I never hurt anybody," but you didn't. Am I wrong? HARRY Investors lost some money. The Resolution Trust is going to lose a lot of money cleaning up the mess, which means that the taxpayers will pay, of course. But it wasn't my fault. I didn't profit from it. BORIS As a corporation lawyer, you made no profit? HARRY Oh, I made a damn good living as a lawyer, but no more than anyone else. And I never got more than legitimate fees for the work I did. I didn't pad the bills, like some who got caught. I had principles about that. BORIS And without your principles, you could have made more? HARRY Sure. Plenty were doing it, but the point is, I didn't. I was always ethical. BORIS Which is why you jumped off the roof? HARRY They changed the rules on me. I have the distinction of being the very first lawyer in the United States to be suspended from representing any savings and loan before the Office of Thrift Supervision and the FDIC. BORIS Isn't a savings and loan like Jimmy Stewart in "It's a Wonderful Life"? Now that I think of it, he jumped off of something too, only it was a bridge. If you were like Jimmy Stewart, you would have had a guardian angel to rescue you. HARRY That was a building and loan. It was back in the 1930's. Savings and loans today aren't anything like that. They're big business today. BORIS So you were more like Lionel Barrymore with his bank--part of the big, bad guys. HARRY What gives you the right to be so damn superior, Mr. KGB? You never did anything you are ashamed of, I suppose. BORIS I know what you are thinking. Remember, it was my job to read your newspapers and magazines and monitor your television. Even since becoming redundant, I still read as many of your periodicals as I can, although I can't get as many of them as I could when the Committee was providing them for me. I know what you think of the KGB. But I was never in the "dirty tricks" department, as you would call it here. I am a scholar. Except for a brief period when I was in New York, I did nothing but read about America and report on my conclusions. What is there to be ashamed of? HARRY But what was the information that you provided used for? Didn't you ever think about that? BORIS Assuming it was used for Soviet world domination, as I think some of your politicians would say, to further the ends of the "evil empire", so what! Look at the Soviet Union today! HARRY Because Communism was a failure, your conscience is clear, is that how it works? BORIS My conscience would not bother me if Communism had triumphed, but I would not expect you to understand that. I merely point out to you that everywhere you look in the world today there is misery. People are killing each other in the Republics of the former Soviet Union. Even here in Los Angeles people are killing each other on the streets; I read about it in your papers. You cannot blame any of that on the KGB. Not any more anyway. HARRY Sure, you worked for Stalin's K.G.B. but led a totally pure life. BORIS I was still at the University when Stalin died. No, my friend, you are barking up the wrong tree, to use one of my favorite American expressions. Why this moral indignation about communism? After all, capitalism has prevailed all over the world, and what has it done for us but add us both to the growing armies of the unemployed. HARRY If you were always so virtuous, what are you doing here? BORIS (laughing) So you've decided where you think we are, have you. Let me guess. In the film "Miracle on 49th Street" Noel Coward died in a plane crash and had one month to save his soul and get to heaven by having someone shed a tear on his behalf. Obviously, he was not a very nice character, so it wasn't so easy for him to do that. Is that something like where you think you are? HARRY That's just some Hollywood idea. Nobody really believes in that stuff. I figure this is hell. BORIS (serious) You must forgive me. Religion is not a subject that I have studied too much. In hell, you are bound to suffer forever, is that right? There is no escape? HARRY That's what I always thought the concept of hell was. BORIS In the films, in "It's a Wonderful Life", for example, people sometimes go back, after they have died, after they are angels. Actually, there are lots of films like that: Robert Cummings in "Heaven Only Knows", Warren Beatty in "Heaven Can Wait". There are even more, I think. Perhaps you can do that. HARRY That's just in the movies. BORIS It is possible to believe in heaven and hell, but not in angels who can come back to earth? I must confess that I don't understand religion at all. How can you be so sure that one thing is true and the other is not, when there is no empirical evidence for either? HARRY It's a matter of faith. (Pause) I'm not sure I can explain it to you. Actually, I've never thought that much about it. There are just some things you've always believed, because you heard them as a kid. For you, I suppose, it would be belief in Marx and Lenin; you believe in them without having to think too much about it. BORIS But I've thought constantly about the teachings of Marxism- Leninism. I spent years in school learning about them and debating them. I can explain every nuance of the doctrine in exquisite detail, only nobody cares anymore. HARRY Yeah, but you were never allowed to think about certain things, things that were, you know, heresies, were you? BORIS It was not as rigid as your newspapers would make out. Within the confines of the university, or particularly within the KGB, we could discuss all sorts of hypothetical theories. Of course, it wasn't always wise to actually advocate erroneous doctrines, but we could talk about them on a theoretical level. Starting at about this point, the sound of the television in the room at stage left begins, so low it is inaudible at first, increasing very gradually to point where Boris and Harry will hear it. HARRY But if you'd stood up and said that Stalin was a murderer, you would have gone to Siberia, right? BORIS When Stalin was alive, yes, I suppose so, if you were lucky. HARRY Even after Stalin's death, you would have gone to Siberia, right, until Gorbachev came along? BORIS It would not have been a wise thing to say, that is true. Any more than it would have been wise, in America, to say that Ronald Reagan was a liar. HARRY It's not the same at all. I could have said that Reagan was a liar any time I wanted, and I wouldn't have been arrested by any KGB and sent to a labor camp. BORIS But you did not say it, even though you knew it was true. Because of the consequences. HARRY I never said it because I didn't believe it, not because of any consequences. BORIS How could you not believe it? You do not seem to be a stupid man. It seemed to me that his denial of knowledge of the Iranian arms shipments was demonstrated quite conclusively to have been false. HARRY That's your opinion maybe. It's not mine. BORIS Suppose, though, it was your opinion. Would you have said it? HARRY Of course. It's a free country. BORIS Be honest with me, now. In hell, one should be completely honest, should one not. Do you really think you could call the President of your country a liar in public without consequences? HARRY Consequences! Everything has consequences. I would not have gone to prison for saying something like that, the way you would have in Russia, I know that much. There is a loud scene, with gunfire and explosions, on the television in the next room (stage left). Boris and Harry hear it. HARRY There's some one next door, over there. BORIS (Pause while he listens intently.) That is television. For a moment, I thought it was outside, more riots in the streets of Los Angeles. Harry goes to connecting door to room at stage left. HARRY No, someone is watching T.V. in there. (Knocks on door.) Hello, anyone there. (No response; television still audible; Harry knocks again.) Hello; can you hear me? Television stops; Harry opens door on his side. Gloria comes to door on other side. She is an African American woman, about thirty-five, dressed in a hospital gown and slippers. She opens her side of the door and faces Harry. GLORIA What do you want? HARRY My name is Harry Taylor. In here with me is Boris, Boris... BORIS (coming up to get a look at Gloria too) Ulyanov. It's a famous name, the same as Lenin's real name. GLORIA (wary) Gloria, Gloria Davis. What is it you want? I was watching a movie. HARRY We were sitting here, sort of comparing notes, figuring out where we were and how we got here. I thought that maybe you'd like to join us. To compare notes too. GLORIA No way am I coming into a room with two strange men, one of them with no pants on. You must think I'm just some kind of dumb black trash. HARRY Hold on!. That's not fair. I'm not a prejudiced person. GLORIA Sure, I'll bet you gave some coins to black panhandlers on the streets. HARRY Actually, I don't much believe in encouraging begging. I think it demeans people. I prefer to give to organized charities, but I gave plenty to those. Gloria takes a few steps into the center of the room GLORIA I know what you mean about demeaning people. I've been demeaned plenty like that by white men in suits. BORIS You were a beggar in the streets? GLORIA No, I sank pretty low for a while, but never quite that far. But I was a cocktail waitress, and I put up with a lot from men, particularly white men. HARRY Well, I'm not like that really. Where did you work? GLORIA Before I got sick, when I had a great figure I worked at some pretty classy places, Beverly Hills even. When business was good, I could make pretty good money at that. What about you? HARRY He was a communist spy. BORIS And he was a very famous lawyer. GLORIA Yeah, what did you do that was so famous? HARRY He's making fun of me, because I called him a spy. I wasn't really famous. BORIS He was the first lawyer in America to be suspended by the FTIC and the, the.... Was it the OTC? HARRY OTS; Office of Thrift Supervision. I'd rather not talk about it any more. GLORIA You said you wanted to compare notes. What about, if not that? HARRY It's a complicated story. I'm not sure you'd understand. GLORIA You tell me I couldn't understand, like I was some ignorant black girl, and you don't even think enough of me to put your pants on. (Pause) You know, before I never would have had the nerve to say that to you but I feel like you have no power over me here. HARRY Oh, excuse me. Harry goes to closet to get his pants, and then to bathroom to put them on. BORIS Aha; all men, and women, are created equal in hell. Is that it? GLORIA I don't know about hell, but I figure I'm free and equal here. BORIS You don't believe this is hell? GLORIA How could this be hell? Look at it. Look at me. BORIS Yes, I agree; compared to my life in Russia today, this is quite nice. But he thinks he's in hell. GLORIA He's nuts. Harry returns. GLORIA For one thing--this may sound silly to you, but I'm my perfect weight. (Looks in mirror opposite bed.) Before I died, I was down to 95 pounds. Now I look like I'm back to what I was in my working days, when I looked really great. But I'm not hungry. When I was at this weight in real life, I was hungry all the time. I had to fight hard to keep from eating too much. That was hell! This has got to be heaven. BORIS That's very American. But I'm not sure that your reasons for believing you're in heaven are any better than his reasons for believing he's in hell. GLORIA Make fun of me if you want, but I bet neither of you ever had to make a living working with most of your clothes off, where your figure was the difference between earning good money or going on unemployment. If you did, you'd understand it. HARRY I didn't mean to make fun of you. But that's too superficial. This is a spiritual issue, not something like how much you weigh. Anyway, your body's not real here. I'll bet that, if there were a scale in the bathroom, you'd find that you don't weigh anything. Boris goes to bathroom. GLORIA I know that. I'm not as dumb as you think I am. I'll have you know that I came in second in a state-wide poetry contest when I was in high school. I should have gone to college, only my mama screwed me up. Boris returns from bathroom. BORIS There is no scale. An interesting concept though. GLORIA Of course there's no scale. We don't need scales here. HARRY My weight's no different than I was before, but he (gesturing to Boris) looks like he could lose a few pounds. BORIS You Americans! I like food; I'm not ashamed of that. I like a little wine, a little vodka. Since I've been in this country, staying in the best hotels, being taken to restaurants, I've probably gained a kilo or two. So what's the big deal! I don't worry about it. GLORIA See, he's probably his ideal weight too. It's whatever makes you happy. HARRY Forget this crap about weight. It's not a question of weight. GLORIA So, mister, what is it a question of then? HARRY I don't know how to put it, but I know I'm in hell because..., because I still feel this tremendous guilt about what happened when..., when I was alive. BORIS So, you're unhappy because you're guilty about something you did as a corporation lawyer, and she's happy because her body looks great. That would make me happy too, if I could see behind that shapeless thing she's wearing. Harry starts to speak at same time as Gloria, then lets her continue. HARRY I'm not guilty.... GLORIA Both of you guys keep putting me down, making me out to be some sort of airhead. I feel great because I feel free. My body is just a symbol of how I feel. I'm free of having to starve myself all the time, just to keep a good body. But that's only one thing I'm free of. I feel like I can do whatever I want, finally be who I want to be, not just some sex object in a short skirt and low cut blouse, with men always trying to feel my ass. (Pause, then to Harry) What did you do, that you have this guilt? Did you kill someone, or something? HARRY (interrupted by Boris this time) No, I .... BORIS He killed the most important person in the world, to him. HARRY That's his clever, Communist way of saying that I killed myself. I committed suicide. GLORIA Oh my God! (Pause, then to Boris) What about you. How did you...get here? HARRY (speaking at same time as Boris) He ate and drank too much and had a heart attack. BORIS (Laughs, somewhat forced) I'm not dead. This is a dream. I am going to wake up soon. This is one I will remember for a long time. HARRY You had a heart attack in that limo, and you're dead just like the rest of us. BORIS Prove it. How can you prove that I'm not dreaming? GLORIA You're supposed to pinch yourself. That is how you find out if you're dreaming or not. HARRY We've already been through that. He won't do it. BORIS (to Gloria) Why don't you pinch me? I like that better. Like this.... Boris tries to pinch Gloria on the buttocks. She slaps his hand away.) GLORIA Keep your hands off me. Don't you try anything like that again. BORIS I was not trying to hurt you. It was just a demonstration of how you could prove to me that I was not dreaming. I meant it to be friendly. GLORIA I had enough of men trying to be friendly. No man is going to do that to me here. BORIS If men can't be friendly to you, what are you going to do for fun in heaven? GLORIA When I find the right man, then he can touch me. BORIS And how do you know that the right man is here? GLORIA I figure that there's lots and lots of people here. One of them is going to be the right one. It's the law of averages, isn't that what they call it? And the best part is that I've got forever and ever to find him. I don't have to be in a hurry. HARRY You could also make an infinite number of mistakes before finding Mr. Right. GLORIA I'm not making any more mistakes. I made plenty of mistakes before. I'm not kidding myself any more. BORIS How do you know that I'm not the right man for you? You know nothing about me yet. HARRY I get the feeling she's looking for a long-term relationship. You just said you're planning on waking up any minute now, which means that you'll be out of here. GLORIA (Laughs.) You've made me laugh. That's the first time I've laughed here. That's the first time I've laughed in a long, long time. BORIS If you were a Russian girl, you would probably be attracted to our friend, Harry. He is gloomy enough to be a character out of Dostoievsky. That is what Russian women like. GLORIA He's not my man either. I want a man who respects me. Neither one of you does that. HARRY I think you have the wrong impression of me. I never meant to show any disrespect to you. BORIS As a student of your language, the way you phrase things, Harry, is fascinating to me. "Never meant to show any disrespect" is not the same as saying "I respect you," you understand? GLORIA Yeah! I was thinking the same thing. Say, where did you learn to speak English so well? BORIS It is my life's work. Since I have studied English far more intensively than most people who are native English speakers, I am alert to peculiarities of expression that you might ignore. GLORIA You mean, you can tell by the way I talk exactly where I come from? BORIS Like Rex Harrison in the film, "My Fair Lady"? No, I don't do that sort of thing. That's accents. My specialty is more in the hidden meanings revealed by your choice of words. GLORIA I think I see what you mean, but give me an example. BORIS Well, our friend Harry here, when he was trying to explain to me what he did with his building and loan corporations... HARRY Savings and loans. BORIS Saving and loan corporations. You see how important words are. Saving and loan corporations are something big and important. Our friend does not want us to think that he was associated with something small and unimportant, such as the building and loan in the film "It's a Wonderful Life." HARRY Those things haven't existed for forty, maybe fifty years. BORIS In any event, Harry said to me, "I didn't mean to hurt anyone." What does that mean to you? HARRY (agitated) Now I know I am in hell. This business is going to be repeated to me over and over and over again forever and ever. BORIS Calm yourself. I am not judging your guilt. This is merely a lesson in semantics. Anyway, when he says, "I did not mean to hurt anyone," obviously he believes that some one was hurt by what he did. No one would say "I did not mean to hurt anyone" when what he meant to say was, "I did not hurt anyone". Do you see? The words, "I did not mean to hurt anyone" imply some sort of guilt of something, at least in his mind, do they not? They do to me. But that is because I listen to your language with the ear of a foreigner and can hear things that may mean nothing to you because you learned the language in infancy. HARRY (with threatening gesture) Communist logic! It's the same stuff you used to enslave half the world and claim you were doing it in the name of progress. Gloria tries to separate the two men GLORIA Hey, take it easy. He didn't mean anything by it. Don't get so excited over nothing. HARRY It's hardly nothing. I went up and jumped off the roof of a 40 story building because I couldn't stand it any longer. And now you two are doing it too. BORIS For a person who believes in heaven and hell Harry, how could you think that you could escape by committing suicide? I confess I thought of it once or twice. Faced with unemployment and maybe starvation, in a country that seems to have gone mad at times, it was a reasonable alternative for me to contemplate. But I believed it would bring me oblivion, an end to all of life's pains, as well as the pleasures, of course. But you; what were you thinking? HARRY (somewhat calmer) I never was sure about heaven and hell, and I sure didn't anticipate this. This is just more of the same. GLORIA (to Boris) Maybe we should leave him alone. I mean, he can't do any harm to himself here, can he? BORIS That depends, I would suppose, upon which of us is right about where we are. If this is my dream....I have had dreams before in which people have injured themselves. But if I leave this room--and he stays--he will no longer be a part of my dream. Which means that he will cease to exist. Both of you will cease to exist, if I leave you. GLORIA This isn't a dream. I was really sick; I was down to 95 pounds. And then I woke up here. This has got to be heaven. HARRY Hell, you mean. This is hell, hell, hell. GLORIA Mister, I was in hell. This isn't hell. HARRY Give it time. You've only been here for a few hours maybe. Wait until a couple of centuries have passed. You'll see. You'll get really sick of me and Ivan here after a while. BORIS Boris.... GLORIA I don't have to get sick of you. Did you look down the hallway outside here. It goes as far as you can see in both directions. There must be people in all those rooms, all kinds of people. When I get tired of you, there'll be lots of others to talk to. BORIS You say this is hell, Harry, and you, Gloria, think you're in heaven. Doesn't that make you think that maybe you could both be wrong? HARRY Hey, I never belonged to a party that believed it was infallible, like some people I could mention. But I know I'm right about this. You had a heart attack, and you died, and now you're going to pay for all the people you sent to Siberia. GLORIA You've got to be really screwed up to think you're in hell. Before I died, I was starving to death because I couldn't keep any food down, and I could hardly get out of bed, and I didn't know where the next few bucks was coming from to pay for a roof over my head the next night. Look at me now! I have my old body back; I don't feel pain or hunger or thirst or anything like that. If I feel sleepy, I got a nice bed to lie down in, and if I feel bored I got a T.V. that seems to have about a hundred channels on it. If this is hell, then where was I before? BORIS She's got a good point, don't you think? And by the way, I never sent anyone to Siberia. I was a scholar of your country; that's all. HARRY Sure, and I was Mother Theresa. What about the man in that hotel room in New Jersey. That was scholarly research, I suppose. BORIS I had two contacts who were low-level officials in your State Department. They gave me some papers that were classified Secret by some idiot bureaucrat. There was nothing in them that we didn't already know. There was really nothing in them that anybody wanted to know. The whole thing was unimportant. HARRY You seem to have a knack for turning failure into virtue. First you use the failure of communism to justify the work of the K.G.B., and now you use your personal failure as an espionage agent to escape blame for having been a spy for a communist dictatorship that killed millions of people. BORIS You misunderstand. I merely indicate that I have no reason to feel guilty because I stepped out of the role of a scholar for a brief period of my life. I did it because it was my duty. I also do not apologize for having been a Marxist. Socialism failed not because Marx and Lenin were wrong but because the people who came after them were stupid and greedy. HARRY The savings and loans I represented failed because people were stupid and greedy too. That should make me no more guilty than you. BORIS Yes, that may be so. But I have never accused you of guilt; you accuse yourself. I merely have pointed out that you do that. HARRY You worked for a secret police agency that sent millions of people to forced labor camps and terrorized a whole country, and somehow you manage to escape guilt. I'm sorry; I just don't buy it. BORIS It is difficult to carry on this discussion with you, because you know so little about my country, but I know everything about yours. We are not on a level playing field, which I believe is the American expression. GLORIA Hey, if you guys are going to just argue and argue and argue, I'm leaving. There are better things I could be doing. She starts back toward her room. BORIS You are right. (Starts to follow her.) This dream was fascinating, but it is beginning to repeat itself. If I am not going to wake up right away, I should do something different. May I join you?) GLORIA No way. You stay out of here. I don't want no men with busy hands in my room. BORIS If I promise to behave? For the sake of international understanding? GLORIA (As she closes door on Boris) I already understand you well enough. Gloria turns on television in her room, and begins scanning channels. BORIS Where are the American women like May West or Marilyn Monroe, or all those lovely girls that James Bond has? In the KGB we used to love the James Bond movies. Why is it that the ones I meet are all like Natalie Wood, struggling to preserve their virginity? It's not fair. HARRY I keep telling you, the movies are the movies. They're not real. BORIS I still want a girl who will say, "I'm hard to get; all you have to do is ask," like Lauren Bacall in "To Have and Have Not," I shall go out and explore. HARRY Explore if you want. You can't escape. BORIS We shall see; we shall see. No doubt, somewhere on that long hallway out there, I will mee one of my favorite movie stars, or I will wake up. HARRY Somewhere on that hallway you will discover that Hell is circular, and you will arrive back here again. BORIS When I do not return, you will know that you are wrong. Perhaps then you will reconsider your belief in the afterlife. Anyway, I don't expect to see you again. So, as Scarlet O'Hara said at the conclusion of "Gone With the Wind", "This is the end, the absolute end." For us anyway. Boris extends his hand to Harry, but Harry doesn't take it. Boris shrugs and exits to room at stage right, and then off to rear of stage. Harry sits on bed, turns television on, and searches through channels as lights and sound lower. END OF ACT I ACT II Scene is same as Act I. Harry is sitting on bed with television remote control in hand, changing channels in search of something. Gloria is in same position in room at stage left, intent on a single program. Sound of two televisions blends, making little of it intelligible. Light increases gradually, as at sunrise. Harry turns off T.V., angrily HARRY Damn; nothing. He gets up and goes into bathroom. GLORIA (Laughs): Hey, this is good. (Laughs again.) Harry returns from bathroom, paces restlessly, then goes to connecting door to room at stage right opens inner door, knocks on other door, waits for answer. When there is no answer, he goes to door at left, opens inner door on his side, knocks on closed door on Gloria's side. GLORIA (not getting up from bed) Yeah; what do you want? Harry doesn't hear her; knocks again. GLORIA (louder) What do you want? HARRY (shouting) I just want to talk. GLORIA (reluctant) Oh, all right. She turns off T.V., opens door, and enters Harry's room. GLORIA What do you want to talk about? HARRY Aren't you bored crazy? GLORIA No; I was watching this great old movie. Jimmy Stewart and Marlene Dietrich in a funny old western. HARRY Our Russian friend should be here. He seems to be a Jimmy Stewart fan. I always thought the funny way he talks was a pain in the ass, if you want my frank opinion. GLORIA So, who do you like? HARRY I don't know. I guess I don't much care about movie stars. Funny thing, you know. I lived in L.A. all my life, been surrounded by them, and I've never met one. What's more, I've never much cared to meet one. Never gone to the movies much either, just when Elizabeth dragged me to one she wanted to see. Elizabeth is my wife, or was my wife. GLORIA You have children? HARRY Just one, a girl, Meagan. She got married almost two years ago, before the S. & L. thing blew up. Lucky for her. I couldn't have afforded the wedding after. GLORIA When I was a kid I wanted a nice wedding, in a church, with lots of flowers, just like in the movies. HARRY It's a little late for that now, isn't it? GLORIA Why is it too late? If that's what would make me really happy, why couldn't I have it up here? HARRY (hesitating, thinking) Well, for one thing, you get married until death do us part, or something like that. Since you're already dead, it's over before it starts. GLORIA That's crazy. I figure, that, if I'm in heaven, I ought to get whatever I want. If I wanted to get married, I'd get married. God will find me the perfect guy. Then, if later I get tired of him, I can just say, "I've had enough of this," and it'll be over. Better yet, it'll be like it never happened. HARRY What if your perfect guy gets tired of you? GLORIA (hesitating) He wouldn't, because if he did he wouldn't be perfect. HARRY Wait a minute! If that's the way you figure it, then you couldn't get tired of him either, or you wouldn't be perfect. If you're entitled to a perfect husband, because you're in heaven, then he must be entitled to a perfect wife too. That's equity. There must be equity in heaven. GLORIA You just say that because you're a man. Men are always making up the rules to suit them. HARRY (exasperated) Why am I having this stupid argument with you? It just proves that we can't be in heaven, or we wouldn't be arguing. GLORIA Well, we can't be in hell, because this is a lot better than my life. I don't see that you're suffering all that much either. HARRY That's asinine. Heaven is not a cheap motel. GLORIA Hey, mister, if you think this is like a cheap motel, I'll bet you've never been in a cheap motel. There's a smell that you can tell with your eyes closed--old cigarette smoke and mildew in the johns and the stuff they use to try to take away the smell of the mildew, all mixed together. This place doesn't smell. And you don't get 80 different channels of T.V. in a cheap motel either. HARRY I didn't mean quite that cheap. But this is like a Ramada Inn out somewhere a long way from L.A. It isn't my idea of heaven. GLORIA What is your idea of heaven? HARRY I don't know. I never thought about it much. But it would be some really beautiful place. GLORIA I imagined it like a beautiful garden, with everything green, and flowers, and lots of trees with all kinds of fruit on them. HARRY Yeah, that's about it. This sure isn't anything like that. GLORIA But it's all out there. We just have to get out of doors. HARRY Did you look out the window? There's nothing out there but another wing of this building. GLORIA Sure, but the sun was shining, and it's a beautiful day. The garden must be on the other side. HARRY How come, if you're in heaven, they put you on the side of the building with no view. In heaven you should have the best room. In heaven, all the rooms would be outside rooms, looking out on the Garden of Eden. GLORIA I guess I never worried as much as you do about getting the best room, 'cause I never had the best room anywhere. The last couple of years, after I was too sick to work, I was lucky I wasn't in the streets. HARRY What did you have, AIDS? GLORIA No, it wasn't AIDS. I was tested, and I know that much for sure. But the doctors, even the professors at UCLA Medical School, couldn't figure out what it was. I had something, probably a virus, that they don't have a name for yet, but it might as well have been AIDS. HARRY What was it like? GLORIA I lost all my energy, to the point where I had to fight real hard just to get out of bed, and I couldn't eat because food tasted awful and made me sick to my stomach. HARRY And they were sure it wasn't AIDS? GLORIA Yeah, sure. Why do you keep asking that? HARRY It's nothing; never mind. GLORIA No, you looked at me....When you asked that you looked at me like...I don't know, I've seen people look at me like that since I got sick. What is it about some people? They think because you are sick you're not quite human, or something? Tell me what you were thinking. HARRY No , it was nothing....Well, if you must know, I was thinking, people who get AIDS mostly get it one of two ways; either you're sexually promiscuous, or you're a drug addict, and....well, I was just wondering. So, I was wrong. I'm sorry. GLORIA You thought I had AIDS and you were wondering whether I was, a whore or a junkie, is that it? HARRY No, No!.... Well, more or less, I guess. GLORIA You know, before...before I came here, lots of people looked at me like you did, but I never had the opportunity, or maybe I never had the nerve, to ask them what was going on. Now I know. HARRY I'm sorry. GLORIA Don't say you're sorry. You can't help what you think. I thought maybe it had something to do with being black. I thought maybe that white people thought that we weren't supposed to be sick, at least in public, you know. At least it's not that. HARRY I told you; I'm not prejudiced. GLORIA Yeah, sure....But there's something else. You said "more or less", and there was something...something else you were going to say, but you didn't. What was it? HARRY Well, if you must know, I was wondering how you figured you had a ticket to heaven. GLORIA I see. Because I was sick, you figured I was a slut, or something and that I don't deserve to be up here, is that it? HARRY I guess I wanted to persuade you were wrong; that this isn't...where you think it is. GLORIA (angry) Well, let me tell you something, mister. I know all about whores and junkies, because I grew up in South Central L.A., and they was all around me then. But I got myself away from all that. I graduated from high school, and I should have gone to college if things had worked out different, and when I was well and could work I worked in nice places and made good money, and I helped my family. I don't know what you did, but I think I earned my ticket. HARRY Hey, don't get mad at me. So I was wrong. GLORIA Let's change the subject. HARRY Right. (Pause) I was wondering, where and when you died. I've been trying to figure out why we ended up next to each other here, in adjacent rooms. Now Boris I could figure. He must have been driving right by Century City on his way to Santa Monica when he had his heart attack, so he died at the same time, and almost in the same place as I did. But you, I don't know where you were. From what you've said, Century City was not your part of town. GLORIA Hey, I worked in Century City once. Harry's Bar in Century City. Ever been there? It wasn't named after you, was it? HARRY No it wasn't named after me. I think it was named after a famous bar in Paris. But I have been there. Sorry, but I don't remember you. GLORIA That's all right; I don't remember you either. But all those white men in suits look alike....That's a joke; don't get offended again and tell me again how unprejudiced you are. HARRY You weren't in Harry's Bar when you died though, were you? GLORIA No. The last I knew I was in UCLA Hospital. The doctors at L.A. County didn't know what to do with me, so they sent me over to UCLA where the professors were studying diseases like whatever it was that I had. I was getting some medication, some new stuff they were experimenting with, and I must have passed out. And that's the last thing I remember, before I woke up here. HARRY Well, that's maybe two miles from where I was. What day was it? GLORIA Tuesday? I think it was a Tuesday when I went in. I don't know what happened after that. HARRY I jumped on a Friday. I guess you could have stayed unconscious for three days before you died. GLORIA So, what difference does it make? HARRY I just like to understand things, that's all. I want to know what the system is here. How does it work? GLORIA I don't get it. How does what work? HARRY Why did I end up in this room, and you in the room next to mine, and the Russian on the other side? I mean, we all died in Los Angeles at about the same time, or at least the same week. I didn't end up next to a Chinaman who died during the Ming dynasty, for example. That's some kind of system. GLORIA So what? There's nothing you can do about it anyway. HARRY You don't know that yet. If you don't understand how the system works, you don't know what you might be able to do about it. GLORIA So, what could you do? Ask for a different room? Call up God and say, "They put me next to this low-class black bitch, and I want a room in a better neighborhood with a view of the garden." HARRY No, no. I don't mean it like that at all. But I figure that there are only a few key decisions that people make in life, and most people make them pretty much without understanding what they are doing. If we can understand the system, we should be able to make better decisions. GLORIA What kind of decisions are you talking about? HARRY You know, the big decisions in life, where you go to school, what profession you adopt, a job, a spouse, where to live, those kinds of things. Hell, when I decided I wanted to become a lawyer, I didn't know anything about it. It was pure luck that I was good at it and did well. GLORIA Some people don't have those kinds of choices. HARRY Maybe not the same choices, but everybody has choices. My father worked for years as a real estate salesman, because some guy whose life he had saved in the army gave him the job out of gratitude. His boss would never fire him, because of Dad saving his life, but that didn't keep him from treating Dad like dirt because he was such a lousy salesman. All their lives after leaving the Bronx and moving to L.A. and changing their names from Teitelbaum to Taylor, my mom and dad lived in fear of this man. He could have quit and done something else, but he didn't because he was afraid, afraid he would never get a better job, and I saw that and vowed that I would never let myself get into that position. My dad and mom didn't understand the system, so they were victims. I've always got to understand it. GLORIA Is that the most important thing in life to you, understanding the system? HARRY Maybe. Why not? It gives you a lot of power. GLORIA Well, I feel sorry for you then, mister. I don't think you have a clue to what life's all about. HARRY Maybe that's why I was a successful lawyer, and you were a cocktail waitress, when you had work at all. GLORIA You think you've got me all figured out, but what do you know about me? We've been talking for maybe ten minutes, during which you've done all the talking. You don't know me. HARRY So what don't I know? GLORIA I come from real far down. My momma left high school at 16 to have me, and I never knew my father. Then she had my two brothers by two different men. I grew up down in South Central where I bet you've never been, not within a mile of it. And I lifted myself up and made something of myself. HARRY As a cocktail waitress? GLORIA What's so bad about being a cocktail waitress? Guys like you sure used to enjoy looking at me, touching me too, lots of times. Anyway, I would have gone to college and been a teacher, maybe even a lawyer like you, except that my momma screwed me up. HARRY If it weren't for your momma, you wouldn't have been born. That's just an excuse. No one but you yourself is impressed by what might have been. GLORIA It's not an excuse. I was accepted in college. I couldn't go, because my momma was really bad at that time. She'd lost her welfare and was living with some junkie, and my brothers were running wild, and my grandma told me that, if I didn't go to work and take care of my brothers, they were going to turn out just like momma for sure. You had to know my grandma. When she said something like that I had to do it. Even momma, although she defied her all her life, was scared of her. I knew I was giving up my chance to be somebody different. One of my brothers did go to college, though, and he never would have made it, if I hadn't been there for him. You say your father saved someone's life, even though you don't seem very proud of it. Well, I saved a life too. HARRY You said you had two brothers. GLORIA The other one didn't do so well. He was shot down in the street, down in South Central. He was...well the gangs got to him. HARRY How do you know you saved a life? You can't know what would have happened if you'd gone off to college and left them. Maybe you should have saved your own life. GLORIA It's not like I didn't have any life. I know you think, being such a big important lawyer and living in Beverly Hills or wherever, that being a cocktail waitress is nothing. But it wasn't so bad. At first it was, when I was 18, right out of high school; of course I had fake I.D. showing I was older. Oh, I was good looking then, with quite a body. And the first place I worked, a hotel near the airport, I had to wear a really short skirt and a top that showed almost all my breasts, and I was real embarassed by it. There were always a lot of drunk business men there at night, having meetings out at the airport, and drinking it up when they quit working for the day, and they couldn't keep their hands off me, and I didn't know how to handle them at first. Actually, I got fired from that job for slapping one of them that wouldn't let go of me. HARRY Didn't you have a hard time getting a job after that? I would think that they would give you a bad reference. GLORIA No, it wasn't so hard. Actually, my cousin Doreen got me the first job, and by the time I was fired she had moved on to another place, and she got me a job with her again. As long as I kept my body looking good, I never had trouble getting jobs, except a few times when business was real bad. And I learned how to handle the men, most of them, not that I ever liked being pawed by drunks, or even looked at the way a lot of them look at you. HARRY You never moved on to anything else. GLORIA Most of the time, the money was good. There's not a lot you can do that pays like that, without a college education. Besides, it's just a job. It's only 40 hours a week or so. It's not your whole life. HARRY So even though you hated it, you were stuck in it, right? You were a victim. You couldn't help yourself. GLORIA That's like saying that you couldn't help getting involved in some crooked deal, getting kicked out of the lawyer business, and jumping off the roof. Is that it? HARRY That isn't what happened to me at all. You don't understand; it's too complicated. But you could have done something different. Why didn't you? GLORIA Why do I spill my guts to you? HARRY Why not? It's supposed to be good for you. At least the shrinks seem to have convinced plenty of people of that. Think of me as your therapist. Maybe I'll take that up as my new occupation here. "Therapist in Hell!" Sort of a catchy concept, don't you think? GLORIA Why would I need a therapist here? HARRY The same reason most people need them; it passes the time. You've got plenty of that here. GLORIA Only rich people have to worry about finding ways to pass the time. For most of us, there's never enough time to do what you want to do. HARRY That may have been true in life. But what are you going to do with your time here? You have an eternity, with no material demands on you I suppose. You don't need to earn money for food, clothing or shelter, or at least I assume not. Your television is free; as far as I can tell, even pay television is free here. So think about how you will pass the time. GLORIA No problem. There are so many things I wanted to do all my life that I never had time for. HARRY Such as. GLORIA Well I always wanted to go places...San Francisco, New York, maybe even Europe. I never went anywhere, except to Vegas a few times. I worked there for a while. HARRY Sorry, it's too late for that now. They're all back in the world we left. GLORIA How do you know that? HARRY There's nothing here but that endless corridor, with identical rooms opening off it on both sides. And eventually, if you go far enough, you'll come back to this room again. GLORIA You haven't even been out there, have you? HARRY You were out there. Did you see an exit sign? GLORIA No, but I didn't go very far. I just stuck my head out the door really. HARRY Boris left over twenty four hours ago, and he hasn't been back yet. GLORIA Maybe he found the way out to the garden. HARRY If he had, he would have come back to tell me that I was wrong, that this isn't hell. GLORIA You're just real far down, and you want to bring everyone else down there with you. HARRY I may be down, but I haven't lost my ability to analyze things logically. You're just looking at the short term. You haven't figured what it means to be in this place for eternity. A light flickers, as if a bulb was loose, and keeps flickering periodically until indicated. HARRY Look, a light is burning out. That proves it. GLORIA So maybe the bulb got a little loose. So what! HARRY There are no loose bulbs in heaven. If there were, it wouldn't be perfect. GLORIA So, who says that heaven has to be perfect all the time? HARRY That's the definition of heaven. If it isn't perfect, it can't be heaven. GLORIA You're always making up rules, aren't you? HARRY I didn't make that one up. Some prophet, or rabbi, did, centuries ago. GLORIA What was his name? HARRY I don't know his name. It was some famous Jewish sage. It's probably in the Talmud, or the Mishnah, or one of those ancient books. GLORIA It was a man, huh? HARRY I assume so. All those old guys were men. GLORIA Like I said, men are always making up the rules to suit them.c HARRY Why does it suit men that heaven is perfect? GLORIA I don't know. All I know is that I'm in heaven, and you're trying to take it away from me, and you keep making up these dumb rules to do that. You don't like the view, or there are loose light bulbs, and all that bull shit. Some how, you just aren't satisfied, and it bothers you a lot that I like it here. Light goes out. GLORIA See, it stopped. HARRY It burned out. And what I'm doing bothers you a lot, doesn't it? GLORIA I wouldn't say it bothers me a lot. I just feel sorry for you, because you really have got no problems here, except that you've got to make some up. HARRY I'm not making anything up. I'm just trying to get you to look beyond the superficial things and beyond the moment, and think what it means to be in this place for eternity. And that does bother you some, at least, doesn't it? GLORIA O.K.; If it makes you happy, it bothers me. HARRY And if it bothers you just a little now, think of how it will bother you after months, or years, or even centuries of being reminded that this place isn't perfect. The little imperfections will keep growing and growing on you until they become big, overwhelming even. GLORIA Why should they do that? If the light bulb bothers me, I can always call up and get it fixed or move to another room. HARRY How do you know anyone will replace it, or that there is an empty room for you anywhere? GLORIA I don't know; it just seems obvious that, in a place like this, they're going to take care of you, I guess. HARRY That's circular reasoning. You aren't being logical. GLORIA I think it's logical. You haven't seemed so logical to me either. HARRY I'm completely logical. If there's one thing I am, it's logical. GLORIA I'm sorry, no offense meant, but what's the big deal about a light bulb? It doesn't seem logical to me to decide you're in hell just because a light bulb gets loose. If we really was in hell, there wouldn't be any light bulbs, just fires burning everywhere and people barbecuing in them. HARRY If you really were in heaven, there'd be harp music, and you'd be sprouting wings. GLORIA Maybe we just aren't in the harp playing section. If I don't like harp music, which I don't, they aren't going to make me listen to it in heaven. HARRY In heaven you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, is that your concept? GLORIA To me, heaven is freedom. Maybe that's because I'm descended from slaves. HARRY And freedom means not having to do anything you don't want to do, right? GLORIA I guess so. At least, not anything big. Everybody, even people that are really free, have to do some things. But if I'm free, I only have to do those things when I decide I need to do them. HARRY O.K., so that means that if you have to do something you don't want, something big anyway, then there is something wrong with your theory, right? Either heaven isn't perfect, or you're not in heaven, right? GLORIA (wary) Who's going to make me do anything I don't want? HARRY (advancing a step toward her) I could take your arm and twist it good and hard, until it hurts, and make you get in that bed with me. Would that convince you? GLORIA In my life, there've been a lot of men that wanted to get me into bed with them. I think I know men well enough. You're more of a sweet- talker than an arm twister I figure. You don't scare me. HARRY (taking another step toward her): Maybe you're right about the way I was up there, but this is a new ball game now. Now I've got nothing to lose. It opens up all sorts of possibilities. GLORIA (a little worried) Don't get any ideas. I can take care of myself. You don't work in bars as long as I did and not learn that. Harry takes another step to where he could actually reach out and grab Gloria, if she did not back up. HARRY You're talking real brave, but you look a little bit scared to me. GLORIA I'm not scared, mister. I've run into plenty of men who seemed to get a charge out of hurting some woman. I learned to take care of myself pretty well, long as they didn't have a knife or a gun or something. If I hadn't learned that, I wouldn't have survived as long as I did. HARRY What about if he did have a knife or a gun? You said that like you had some experience. GLORIA Once one had a knife. He held that knife right up against my throat, and there was no way I was going to come out alive except by giving him what he wanted. You don't forget that sort of thing real easy. HARRY It still hurts. You can't get rid of it, right? GLORIA I hadn't thought about it here, not till you brought it up. HARRY Maybe that's what I was put next door to you for. I'd be sure to ask you lots of questions, because I'm like that, and that way all your memories would be triggered for sure. [Pause] Maybe we were put here to torture each other. GLORIA I haven't done anything to you. HARRY Oh, but you have. Before I met you, I never threatened to rape a woman, You brought out something in me I didn't have before, or maybe I did have it, but I didn't know it. GLORIA It was just a dumb way of trying to convince me I'm in hell. HARRY Maybe it started that way. But now I really want you. When I moved toward you, and you backed up, I felt something. In a strange way, I'm excited by it. GLORIA I don't like this talk. I think I'll go back to my room now. Harry blocks her way. HARRY I'm making you uncomfortable. GLORIA I wouldn't say that. Let's just say I'm leaving before you have the chance to do anything. Harry still blocks her way. HARRY You admit the possibility that I could make you uncomfortable. That's good enough. If you admit that, you admit that this isn't heaven. GLORIA Why is it so important to you to convince me that I'm not in heaven? HARRY I'm not sure. Maybe I just like to win. It's become a challenge. A test of my powers of persuasion. GLORIA Well, I'm not persuaded. Get out of my way. HARRY (not moving) I'll get out of your way when you admit doubt about where you are. After all, if you were in heaven, I wouldn't be bothering you. Gloria steps back and picks up a lamp. GLORIA I'm not playing your game. I'm going back to my room, and I'm locking the door. Get out of the way, or I'll hit you with this. Don't think I'm afraid of you, because I'm not. HARRY Come on. You'd better knock me out with the first swing, though, because if you don't get me I'm going to twist your arm till you cry out, and then I'm going to force you onto that bed, and.... Gloria advances and swings lamp at Harry. He catches it, and they struggle with lamp between them. As they struggle toward stage front, Harry trips over chair and goes down with lamp. Gloria retreats to door to her room, stage left, remains with hand on door. HARRY (crying with pain) Ow! I think my hip is broken. I can't move. Help me. GLORIA No way am I coming near you again. HARRY Well, call for help. I can't move. [Pause while Gloria does nothing.] If you won't help me yourself, get some help for me. I'm in pain, and I can't put any weight on this leg. GLORIA Well, now maybe you've got something real to complain about. Not all this whining about being in hell because of some bull shit reasons. HARRY Please. I'm not faking this. I can't get up. GLORIA Why should I care about you, after what you tried to do to me? You tried to rape me. HARRY You know better than that. I was just kidding around. You said yourself that I'm not the type to force myself on a woman. GLORIA I said that before. What do you call it when you try to keep me from leaving your room and say you're going to force me onto the bed? HARRY I was just trying to prove ....Oh never mind! I just need help. Please! GLORIA If we was in hell, like you think, would I help you? HARRY For God's sake, forget about that. I'm in a lot of pain. GLORIA Don't talk to me about pain, mister. I was in a lot of pain for two years steady. You don't know what pain is yet. HARRY Shit! What do I have to do to get you to help me? Not even to help me, just to get some help? GLORIA Maybe if you'd treated me with respect, I'd feel sorry for you. HARRY (not sincerely) I'm sorry; I'm sorry' I'm sorry. I didn't behave very well, maybe. But I never meant...I mean, I respect you. GLORIA I ain't coming near you. I'm not even so sure you aren't faking all this. HARRY I swear, my hip is broken. I can't move. GLORIA Maybe it would do you good just to lie there in pain for days, just so you'd learn how to treat people, people like me. She starts to leave room but stops as she hears Harry's outburst, which follows. HARRY You no-good black bitch. It's not even me you hate, is it? It's men; you're getting even with all the men that have done you dirt all our life, starting with your father, who you probably never even knew, and going on through the man who raped you, and all the men who felt your ass when you were a cocktail waitress. Only I'm not them; I'm me, and I never did anything to you, except try to make you see the truth, which you're unwilling to face up to. GLORIA Your version of the truth, maybe. Not my truth. Why am I wasting my time talking to you? I'm getting out of here. I'm going to find me that garden. Gloria starts to go into her room and close door. HARRY Wait, wait. I'm sorry. I take back everything I said. I'm in a lot of pain, and I lost my temper. What I said is not like me at all. I'm really not a prejudiced person. Gloria opens door slightly more. HARRY You were right to be angry with me; I behaved really badly toward you. I guess I needed some sort of scapegoat for... for my situation, you know, and you were the only one around. You're a good person; you deserve better. Please don't leave me. Gloria remains behind door, which is ajar; she is not visible to Harry. GLORIA Why should I stay with you? HARRY Because it's the decent thing to do. Love your enemy, isn't that what Chirst teaches? Anyone that's good enough to go to heaven would not leave a fellow human being, even a miserable, rotten specimen like me, lying in pain with a broken hip. (Pause) Are you still there? GLORIA Yeah! I'm here, but I'm leaving now. All your sweet talk is too late. Gloria pulls door almost shut but does not leave. HARRY It's not sweet talk, believe me. I wouldn't leave you if you were lying on the floor in pain. (Pause) Are you there? (Pause; no answer.) You've got to believe me; my hip is broken, and it hurts like hell. I can't walk. I can't even crawl. If you don't help me I'll....I'll....Are you there? (Pause, no answer.) No good filthy black cunt; fucking bitch; whore (beats fists on floor); you can't just walk off and leave me; you bitch, you won't get away with this; I'll go after you and I'll find you, wherever you are, and I'll...I'll.... Shit! Shit! (Sobs.) I can't believe this. I'm fucking helpless. This is the worst, the worst thing I ever.... Harry starts to drag himself across floor to telephone. HARRY Fuck you. Who needs you? I'll take care of myself, you'll see. Go and look for your God damn garden. You'll find out. You'll be back, you and that Russian prick too. There's no way out of here, not for me, not for you, not for anybody. He pulls phone down off of table and picks up receiver. HARRY Hello, hello! (Throws phone across room). Screw it. I'm really fucked. Gloria returns, stands behind door between her room and Harry's room, visible to audience but not to Harry. HARRY What? Who's there? Please help me. GLORIA (from behind door) I heard everything you said. After what your called me that time, no way am I going to help you. HARRY If you're not going to help me, why are you still there? GLORIA I'm not going to come near, because I still don't trust you, but I want to ask you a question. I don't know why, but it's been bothering me since you said something. HARRY Yes, what is it? GLORIA You said that understanding how things work, understanding the system gave you a lot of power. Do you really believe that? HARRY Sure, it worked for me, up to a point. GLORIA If it worked for you, how come you got in so much trouble, so much that you ended up jumping off a building like you did? How come you're in the fix you are right now? Now it seems like I've got the power, and you've got none. HARRY So it seems. So what? GLORIA I want to understand how you got power and how you lost it. It's important to me. HARRY And if I explain that, will you help me? GLORIA I'm making no promises; maybe. HARRY You're a tough negotiator. GLORIA Maybe I should just leave. HARRY You win again! I guess the answer is that I learned how to understand the system and then make it work for me, until I don't know... I lost my touch, I guess. Actually, I lost touch. Things changed, and I didn't notice. What happened to me doesn't prove me wrong about needing to understand how things work. I just assumed that things, you know the system, the way you could manipulate the regulatory framework, the things you could get away with, was the same as it had always been, only it wasn't. (As if realizing something for the first time.) Actually, my story proves the point. Without realizing it, I ceased to understand how things work, and that was the cause of all my problems. The same with you. I assumed that I could intimidate you and you'd do what I wanted, because that had usually worked for me before with people like you, but you didn't ... you didn't give in. GLORIA What do you mean, people like me? HARRY It's not a racial thing, believe me. I told you, I'm not prejudiced. I guess I mean people I think are my intellectual, or maybe social, inferiors. People I think I can boss around, and they will take it. I'm being really candid with you because ... well, because I guess I haven't got much choice. You've got all the cards now. How does that feel? GLORIA What do you care what I feel? I'm just an ignorant, no-good, black cunt. HARRY Forget I said that. I didn't mean that. I was in intense pain. It's not language I would normally ever use. GLORIA You called me a black bitch and a whore too. HARRY Haven't you said things when you were in pain, or really angry over something, that you didn't really mean? GLORIA I never called anybody those kind of names. HARRY Me neither, before this. (Pause) I apologize. Believe me, I'm sorry. You're smart and you're sensitive. You just never had any good breaks in life, so you could develop your talents. GLORIA Don't bull shit me mister, just to get me to come help you. I've been bull shitted by champion bull shitters. You can't fool me. HARRY I'm not bull shitting you. I know you've got talents. Didn't you say you won a poetry contest? GLORIA I came in second in the whole State of California, when I was a senior in high school. HARRY What was the poem about? GLORIA I still remember it. I say it to myself sometimes. HARRY I'd like to hear it. GLORIA No, it was a high school thing. I thought it was great at the time, but you'd think it was kids' stuff. HARRY Say it; I really want to hear it. GLORIA (recites) On silvered wings, Hope greets the rising light of day, Alone, always alone, Soaring high above the squalid streets, Houses full of hatred and spite, Hulks of rusting Camaros spilling their guts In the dust of the yards, Upward, Upward through polluted air, Till the sun emerges, And it overcomes despair. HARRY Hey, that's pretty good. Gloria reenters center room; she is crying. HARRY The way I threatened you and tried to keep you from leaving, that was about the worst thing I've ever done. I don't know what happened to me there. GLORIA You must have done some worse things than that, to think you're in hell. HARRY No, those things, they were different. I didn't feel bad about them until much, much later, when the consequences became apparent. With you, I knew instantly that I was acting like a monster. Can you forgive me for them? GLORIA How do I know you aren't just sweet talking me again? HARRY You don't. You have to rely on your instincts. GLORIA My instincts about you aren't too good. HARRY Yeah, I can't blame you. But your poem is about hope, isn't it, and that poem, it's sort of the thing that is most important in your life; it's what you mean, right? GLORIA I guess so, in a way. HARRY Well, you're the only hope I've got now. If you walk out on me, what are you saying? GLORIA What do you mean? HARRY You said you wanted to know about power. Well you've got power here all right. You sure proved you have power over me. Now I guess it's a question of how you're going to use that power. How do you think power should be used in heaven? GLORIA You mean, you no longer are so sure we're in hell? HARRY What would you call my state right now? It sure seems like hell to me. (Pause) But maybe I can let you believe what you want to believe. It doesn't seem so important any more to persaude you. GLORIA The thing is, if I was really sure that I was in heaven, then I'd help you, because ... well, I'm not exactly sure why, but it seems like that's what I ought to do in heaven. But if I was still alive and back in L.A., there's no way I would help you after what you did to me. Besides, I'm still not sure I trust you not to pull something else on me. HARRY It seems like this is some sort of a paradox, and I'm not sure, with the pain I'm in and all, that I'm up to dealing with paradoxes right now. GLORIA I know the word, but exactly what do you mean by it? HARRY Well, before, I was doing everything I could to persuade you that we were both in hell. Now it seems that, if I'm going to save my own skin, I've got to persuade you you're in heaven. Isn't that about it? GLORIA I guess so, but you're a lawyer, or at least you were a lawyer. Isn't that what you guys do all the time? Besides, you just said that you weren't so sure any more about being in hell. HARRY I'm lying on the floor in tremendous pain, can't move, and you won't help me. Is that your idea of heaven? GLORIA You tried to rape me, and you're being punished for it. HARRY You mean that you're glad I broke my hip and am in this pain. You're gloating over it. Is that what you're saying? GLORIA No, I guess not; that would be wrong. I don't mean that exactly. I'm not glad you did what you did to me. But I'm sure glad that you didn't get away with it. Harry shifts his position and cries out in pain HARRY Ow! Let's make a deal, o.k.? You said, if you really believed that you were in heaven, you'd help me. Right? GLORIA I said that? Yeah, that's right. HARRY And you also said that, because of what I tried to do to you, my being in such pain was not inconsistent with your idea of heaven. Right? GLORIA Run that by me again. Harry again shifts position and cries out in pain. HARRY Ow! You think that I'm getting what I deserve, and that's heaven for you. GLORIA No, I never said that. HARRY Well, you do believe that there's justice in heaven, that the bad guys get punished. GLORIA If there are any bad guys, sure. HARRY Let's suppose that this is heaven, o.k. And then you have to ask the question, and I have to ask the question, what am I doing here, because I sure don't belong in heaven. Right? And maybe, maybe, I'm just here temporarily, to prove to you that this really is heaven, by showing that bad guys that do bad things to you will be punished, instantly and severly punished. How about that theory? Does that convince you that you're in heaven? GLORIA So, you're sayin that you were wrong when you kept insisting that we are in hell? HARRY Never mind about me. Let's just concentrate on where you are. GLORIA But how can I be in heaven and you be in hell when we're both here together in this same room? HARRY I don't know. Maybe the rules we know don't apply here. GLORIA Well, the way I see it, if you're right, and you're in hell, nobody's going to come help you. But, if you're wrong, maybe you got a chance. She picks up phone. Lights slowly fade to dark during remaining dialogue HARRY The phone doesn't work. GLORIA It sounds all right to me. Hello, hello! Could we get some help up here? END