WIFELY SPIRITS BY JOHN KNOPS 804 Black Street Whitehorse, Yukon Canada Y1A 2P1 Tel: (403) 633-5665 WIFELY SPIRITS CHARACTERS KENNETH WILLIAMS EMILY AUSTEN BILL KENNEDY MARRIANNE MORO YOUNG MAN YOUNG WOMAN PURSER WAITER OLDER MAN OLDER WOMAN MAUREEN - THE SPIRIT WIFELY SPIRITS ACT 1 (A cruise ship in port. The action takes place on a rather narrow side deck. There is a ship's rail across stage front. Some portholes behind. A door just off stage centre, to stage left. Kenneth and Emily are leaning against the rail looking out. Maureen walks slowly across the stage during this scene, looks at Emily, shrugs her shoulders as if to say "Oh well" and walks off.) KENNETH What a lovely night. It is so calm and peaceful. So still. You can hear all the music of all the stars, so quiet, so serene. EMILY Yes, it is beautiful. Why did you come here? KENNETH To meet you. EMILY Flatterer. KENNETH Not at all. I mean it. EMILY How did you know I was on this cruise? KENNETH I did. It was easy. EMILY Easy? What does that mean? KENNETH This the place where lovers meet? EMILY This is where we go for a drink. KENNETH No, I mean the boat, not this deck. EMILY That is what I meant, too. KENNETH Then we are agreed. EMILY Agreed? I agreed to nothing. KENNETH Lovers drink the sweet nectar of love itself. EMILY I'll stick to scotch and water. KENNETH Shall I get you another? EMILY Be my guest. Double. KENNETH Water? EMILY That's what I said. KENNETH O.K. (Exits) EMILY The jerk. Why me, God? Why do you always set me up with idiots? BILL (Bill enters through door. He looks straight ahead, leans on ship's rail, drink in one hand. He looks about, Turns head to right and sees Emily.) You!! EMILY (Not paying attention.) I beg your pardon, were you talking? BILL You! EMILY Yes, it's me. What ...(recognizing him) You! What the hell are you doing here? BILL I might ask you the same thing. EMILY You followed me! I'll kill you. (Breaks glass and flings herself at him with it.) BILL (Bill grabs her hand and hits it against the rail. Emily drops glass.) Not with that you won't. EMILY What the Christ are you doing here? BILL I'm on a vacation. Doctor's orders. EMILY Like bloody hell. You found out I was here and followed me. BILL How the hell could I know what you were going to do! I haven't seen you in a year. EMILY How the hell am I supposed to know how you found out? You did! BILL You figured out I was on this cruise and followed me. EMILY Sure! Sure! BILL Yes, You have enough cops and private eye boyfriends. A simple phone call; your sweet, pussycat purring and you have them drooling out of the sides of their mouths, licking you all over, then calling every travel agent. EMILY What a disgusting mind you have. You haven't changed a bit. BILL You seem to have. You don't have a man leaning on you now. Did you send him out for a drink? EMILY I'm here on my own. BILL That's a switch. EMILY I am a new woman, thanks to you. BILL To me? What did I do. EMILY You left, divorced me and I could become a real woman again. I regained my sanity. Who was the thing you left me for anyway? Your latest ingenue, some eighteen year old virgin cast in your latest play? BILL Your mind is still swimming in the one and only place it could survive: the gutter. EMILY Then it's true, isn't it? There was a woman. BILL There was not and is no woman. I live a life of utmost celibacy, reading books and studying philosophy. EMILY Don't make me laugh! You couldn't read anything more stimulating than the centrefold in Penthouse. BILL I never touch that stuff. EMILY I bet. BILL What about you? You never saw a book in your life. EMILY I write books. BILL I was talking about real books, not that Romance novel pulp. Anybody with the brain of a pea could write one of those in ten minutes. EMILY What do you do! As if being an actor needs talent, skill or brains. Anyone with the brain of a worm could do it. BILL Acting is a very disciplined profession. It needs precision, talent, temperament, timing, a disciplined mind and body, intelligence and a lot of learning. EMILY A lot of bullshit too. BILL It helps. EMILY You had better leave. I've had enough of you. BILL Where shall I leave to? Shall I do the gentlemanly thing and jump overboard? EMILY It wouldn't hurt. It would make the air cleaner for all of us to breathe and I won't be wondering what porthole you are behind, spying on me. BILL Why don't you leave? Go sleep with the oiler in the engine room. Noise never bothered your sex before. "Leave the TV on?" EMILY When did you ever object? BILL How could I? Your Idea of anyone objecting to your kinky sex was enough to send them into oblivion somewhere beyond the fifth galaxy twice removed from Nephesus at the end of the time warp. EMILY What are you talking about? BILL You, of course. EMILY Then at least have some respect for the living before I kill you. BILL The living get my respect. You don't. EMILY The dead are more alive than you ever could be. BILL For two cents I would put you across my knee and give you the whipping you deserve. EMILY I'm sure you would. You talk so big, so big for such a small man. The big hero. Macho man himself. You can lord it over your women on your terms. Here. Here is a nickel, if you are man enough. BILL Then here you go. (He grabs her and puts her over his knee and starts spanking her. Emily screams.) Enough? EMILY You bastard. I'll get even with you. Put me down! Put me down! BILL Not until I'm finished. EMILY If you don't stop now, I'll scream rape. BILL Go ahead! Just try. (Emily screams "rape" several times. He hits her more. A purser runs through the door. Bill puts Emily on her feet as the Purser comes up. Emily swings at Bill, misses and hits purser in the face.) PURSER Miss! Miss! What is the problem? Has this man been bothering you. EMILY What? PURSER I heard screams. Is this man bothering you. EMILY I wasn't screaming. I don't know what you are talking about. PURSER I heard a woman being raped. EMILY (Emily hits Bill in the crotch with her knee.) Do I look like I'm being raped. PURSER No miss. But I did hear ... EMILY I suggest you get a better hearing aid. Beat it. PURSER Yes miss. I'm sure I heard a woman screaming. Maybe it was on the upper deck. (Exits.) EMILY Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. What a twit. Wasn't that fun? BILL (Still rubbing his crotch.) Not for me, it wasn't. EMILY You deserved it. BILL I, at least, don't fight dirty. EMILY And I make one good, clean hit. I'm going for a drink. See ya sucker. (Exits to stage right.) BILL Good riddance! What a shitty trip this is going to be. Meeting her here. I would just as soon meet the devil. (Kenneth enters through door with two drinks in his hands.) KENNETH Ah. Excuse me. BILL What do you want! KENNETH I was looking for a lady who was here. I went out for a drink. BILL Does it look like there is a lady here? KENNETH Well. No. Did you see a lady in a red dress here a few minutes ago? I just went to the bar, you see.... BILL I've been here a quarter of an hour and there was no "lady" here. What do you want? KENNETH We were talking and I got her a drink. Now she disappeared. I've been stood up. BILL Lucky you. KENNETH I beg your pardon? BILL Never mind. What's in the drink. KENNETH Scotch. BILL Good. (He takes it and drinks.) KENNETH By the way, my name is Kenneth Williams. BILL That's nice. I'm William Kennedy. KENNETH What a coincidence. BILL Why. Do I know you? KENNETH Not at all. The coincidence is that there is an actor with the same name as yours. BILL (Sarcastically) Really? So there is. KENNETH Doesn't it ever give you an eerie feeling to have the same name as someone else? BILL I never pay attention to it. She went that way. (He points in opposite direction to where Emily exited.) KENNETH Who? BILL Some broad in a red dress walked past here. Was she yours? KENNETH Thank-you, I'll see. (Exits) BILL (Toasts his glass to him.) So long sucker. (Bill throws his glass overboard.) She always did like good scotch. Nothing but the best. (Bill turns about, heads for door, as he gets ready to open it, it flings open and hits him in the face and stomach very hard. He reels backward against the rail. A woman steps out wearing a tight white dress, very chic, very short, very tight.) MARRIANNE I am so sorry. Did the door hit you? Are you hurt? BILL No! I am not hurt. (He is bent over in agony.) Who the hell are you? The devil incarnate. You nearly killed me. MARRIANNE No doubt, but it was a true accident. Don't you think these doors should have glass in them so we can see what's on the other side? BILL Sure, I'd be speared by flying glass. (He starts to go.) MARRIANNE (Marrianne puts out her hand to shake.) Marrianne Moro. BILL What? MARRIANNE Marrianne Moro. (They shake.) BILL William Kennedy. Good-bye. MARRIANNE Cabin 213. BILL Why should I care what cabin you're in? Unless a doctor is staying there. MARRIANNE (Bill heads for door. Marrianne hurries to open door.) Let me, please. To compensate for ... (As she says this she swings the door open quickly, hitting him in the face. He staggers back almost falling overboard. Marrianne catches him and pulls him back.) BILL Jesus Christ! MARRIANNE Are you allright? I am so sorry. Here, let me take a look at your face. BILL (He starts to walk away. She pulls him back.) It's nothing. I'll find the doctor for a band aid. MARRIANNE Stay still. Just a superficial cut. Nothing serious. ( She pulls a handkerchief out from her dress.) Here, put pressure on the cut for a minute. BILL I could have been killed! MARRIANNE Nonsense, you'll be fine. I'm Marrianne ... BILL I know your name. I may be dead but I'm not deaf. MARRIANNE It's good to hear it. Keep the handkerchief on for a little while longer. BILL Why not bandage my whole face. I think I broke my ribs. I'll need a body cast, too. MARRIANNE Let me take a look. BILL Don't you come near me. I don't need another accident tonight. MARRIANNE It's a lovely evening isn't it? So calm and peaceful. Don't you just love the freshness of the air, the smell of frangipani blossoms, the moon drifting over the mirrored sea. BILL It depends on who thinks its lovely. I have been castrated, hit by flying doors, had my face smashed and then found myself flung overboard. It was not a lovely evening. MARRIANNE Castrated? BILL Never mind. It's another story. MARRIANNE Must be fascinating. Do start. Let me look at that cut. You'll live. BILL There is nothing fascinating about castration. Maybe horses run faster or better but it doesn't feel good to a man. MARRIANNE No doubt it also takes away your manliness. You seem to have had a very speedy recovery. What are you going to do now? Are you married? BILL What business is that of yours? MARRIANNE Well, if you're left without any balls what do we women have to play with? BILL My god, woman, I do not intend to play tennis with them. I'm not married, committed to, involved with, or play tennis with any woman of any race, creed or colour, nor do I intend to. MARRIANNE That is very definitive. BILL It is a very permanent state of being for me. I prefer it that way. MARRIANNE You are a man of strong convictions. BILL I suppose I am. MARRIANNE You must admit it is a lovely evening. I wonder who owns that boat out there. The one with all the lights on the mast. BILL It's Pat's. MARRIANNE Really. Do you know him? BILL The Earl of Litchfield? Yes, I know him. MARRIANNE Really. It must be fascinating to know the rich and famous. BILL It's boring. MARRIANNE To know them or to be them. BILL Both. Both are boring. MARRIANNE I really don't believe you. The famous live such fascinating lives. BILL You spend your life fighting photographers. MARRIANNE But isn't that what famous people like best of all? To be noticed as famous. BILL I wouldn't know. MARRIANNE Take you, for example. Your face looks familiar. Have we ever met before? BILL I doubt it. I can't see where our paths would have ever crossed except now and I wouldn't mind one bit if they never crossed again. You are a danger to civilization. MARRIANNE It can't be all that bad. We had an encounter. Let me look at that cut again. Hmm. You'll live. BILL Too bad. It would have been safer to die. MARRIANNE You do look familiar. BILL I am not a familiar face to you and let's leave it that way. Just keep away. Far away. MARRIANNE Oh, all right. I won't pursue you. I'll go back to my cabin. BILL No. Wait. Let me at least get you a drink. Payment for medical services. MARRIANNE Just one, then. (She starts to leave with him.) BILL No. Stay right where you are. I won't risk a broken collarbone. MARRIANNE I suppose that is that. The quick brush off. BILL You can trust me. I will be back. (Exits) MARRIANNE A few minutes won't matter. I'll wait. (A young couple enters from stage right. Obviously just married and on their honeymoon.) YOUNG MAN (Giggling) ... and then the woman said "Are you old enough?" YOUNG WOMAN Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. He. He. He. YOUNG MAN A lot of fun. Look, look at the stars. Have you ever seen such beautiful stars. YOUNG WOMAN They are beautiful. Even more beautiful with you always at my side. YOUNG MAN Life itself is beautiful with you by my side. I am so glad we chose this cruise for our honeymoon. It will be the most wonderful time we will ever spend together. YOUNG WOMAN I know it will. The stars shine reflected from your eyes. The moon rose from the placid sea tonight as it has never risen before, the sparkling hope diamond shining in all its glory. YOUNG MAN It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I am so happy. Just being with you makes my body want to keep on living forever in this time that the universe has let stand still for us to enjoy. YOUNG WOMAN Yes, yes, I know of nothing else that could ever be so beautiful. Just us, and no one else on the whole boat. I don't want to leave our room for two weeks. YOUNG MAN Then we will live on love itself, never to be adulterated by jealousy or hate. YOUNG WOMAN Let us go then, you and I into the blissful bower of sweet scented glades and smell the flowers that make our world so beautiful. Let our love sweep us into a timeless world where all is heaven, never to feel anger, fear or hate. ( They exit.) MARRIANNE Wait until tomorrow morning when she doesn't have her make-up on and you discover she is just another woman. Fragile flowers wither fastest. KENNETH (Entering with two drinks.) Hello. MARRIANNE Hello. KENNETH Have you by chance seen a lady in a red dress on this deck? MARRIANNE Not recently, no. Is she lost? KENNETH I don't know. I can't find her. MARRIANNE Too bad. Do you want to find her? KENNETH Certainly. I promised her a drink. MARRIANNE Then keep looking. Try her cabin. KENNETH Thank-you but I don't know her number. MARRIANNE Too bad. If you can't find her bring it down to 213. KENNETH Thanks anyway. (Exits) EMILY (Entering from opposite.) Thank-you. I've been trying to avoid him. MARRIANNE You're welcome. I didn't know you were hiding in the shadows. EMILY I just can't stand the sight of men for a while. MARRIANNE Then we women must stick together. What happened? Did you have a row with your lover? EMILY I had a row. But not with a lover. MARRIANNE A stranger then. They can be so unfaithful, can't they. EMILY Men are idiots. Idiots! Stupid, dumb, unfeeling, insensitive clods. MARRIANNE And a pain in the ass, too. EMILY Yes. Have you had your problems with men too? MARRIANNE Some. But I'm afraid I'll find myself in trouble on this trip with a man. I can just feel it happening. EMILY Then take my advice: lock yourself in your room for the duration. That is the best approach. MARRIANNE Not much fun, though. EMILY A bloody hell of a lot more fun if you ask me. I have a VCR. I can watch all the X-rated movies, look at all the handsome chunks I want to and never fear that I will get raped. It's a lot more fun that way. MARRIANNE You brought your movies with you, I hope? EMILY Of course. I never leave home without them. MARRIANNE May I borrow one? I forgot mine. I'll need something to have fun with, if I am to take your advice. By the way, I'm Marrianne Moro. EMILY Emily Austen. Pleased to meet you. MARRIANNE It has been a very eventful cruise so far. How about you? EMILY Eventful isn't the word for it. I'm fighting off two men already. I'll have to lock myself up soon. MARRIANNE That bad? I'm just behind you, though. One just left to get me a drink, he said. Hasn't been seen since. EMILY Lucky you. Mine went out for a drink too but he keeps coming back. Why stay here? Let's move on to another deck. MARRIANNE Won't make a difference. If they want to find us they will, wherever we are. EMILY Can't they leave us alone? We women will have to stick together won't we. MARRIANNE Mine is kind of cute, though. Nice body for an older man. EMILY You're not into Necrophilia are you? MARRIANNE Not really. He is about forty. EMILY Is that all? I've got this sex crazed egocentric fifty year old madman chasing me and the young one you saw. He must have an Oedipus complex. MARRIANNE He seemed nice enough. I could fall for him myself. EMILY Well, what are we to do? MARRIANNE We could always pretend we are Lesbians. That should cure them. EMILY Not my first one, it won't. That's never bothered him before. MARRIANNE Hmm. We'll need another plan. Plan B: We're about the same size. Let's trade clothes every two hours. That should keep them wondering. EMILY Won't work. He knows me too well. MARRIANNE How well? EMILY Very well. We lived together for a few months, then we got married. MARRIANNE Your husband? EMILY My ex-husband. MARRIANNE Let's change clothes now and try it. You never know. EMILY It's worth it. (They take off their dresses and exchange clothes.) Nice dress. Where did you get it? MARRIANNE Bill Blass made it for me, although I did have to convince him to do it. This is nice too. Who made it for you? EMILY K-Mart original. MARRIANNE Amazing! I hear glasses tinkling. Someone's coming. You go. (Emily exits.) BILL (Entering through door.) What the hell are you doing here? I thought you left for good. If I ever bump into you again on this cruise I will throw you overboard. MARRIANNE Didn't you promise me a drink or were you going to finish me off instead. BILL (Surprised that it is Marrianne.) But! But! That dress. MARRIANNE What about it? Don't you like it? BILL You weren't wearing it when I left. MARRIANNE The other was so uncomfortable. I went and changed. I had plenty of time. Do you like it? BILL Well, it's ... just ... that it looks familiar. MARRIANNE Really. I can't imagine why. You don't know me. What did you get us to drink? Champagne. Wonderful! BILL I swear I've seen that dress before. MARRIANNE That bump on the nose must have been worse than we thought. Bill Blass made it just for me. It's not his usual style so I really had to force him into it. BILL He must have forced you into it. It fits so ... tight. MARRIANNE Yes. Sexy isn't it? BILL There are other words for it, too. MARRIANNE Don't use them here. BILL (He looks her up and down.) Not even a panty line! MARRIANNE Naturally. Nothing underneath. BILL Well this calls for a celebration. I don't know why, but let's celebrate. MARRIANNE O.K. Shall we drink to life, liberty ... BILL ... pursuit of sex. MARRIANNE Lovely idea. What nice Champagne. It misses something. I know. Caviar. BILL Too salty. MARRIANNE Of course. It makes me want more Champagne. Fish eggs turn me on. Stimulate me. Ooooh. BILL All right! I'll get the caviar. MARRIANNE Hurry back. BILL Mais oui. Tout vite. Le Caviar pour Madame. (Exits.) MARRIANNE What a jerk! I wonder who he is anyway. Oh god the other one. KENNETH (Entering.) Ah. There you are, I thought I would never catch up with you. MARRIANNE Well you have. Who are you? Do I know you? KENNETH I went out to get you a scotch and then you disappeared on me. Scotch it was, wasn't it? MARRIANNE I hate scotch. Champagne if anything. KENNETH (Recognizing his error.) I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else. That dress. Is it yours? MARRIANNE It's certainly not yours but you can borrow it. KENNETH No. no. I meant. I thought you were somebody else. She had the same dress on. MARRIANNE Same style, maybe? KENNETH Yes, I think I may have made a mistake. This is my first time on a cruise. MARRIANNE Obviously. KENNETH I'm really enjoying it. MARRIANNE All you've ever done is run around with two glasses in your hand. If that is your idea of enjoyment I'm beginning to wonder. KENNETH Not quite what I meant. MARRIANNE Nothing is ever what we mean it to be is it? Nothing remains the same. The ephemeral moment passes, never to be retrieved and all is gone. The joy we felt, the sadness we missed. KENNETH You talk like a poet. MARRIANNE I think like a lover. KENNETH Well, that is not so different. All lovers are poets. They see the beauty in everything. Nothing is ever wasted on them. MARRIANNE Then I am not a lover or poet. There is too much cruelty in the world. Nothing is beautiful what doesn't have a dark side to it for even the sun can only shine on one side and not the other. KENNETH And with a mirror that we set up to life we can easily make the sun shine on the dark. MARRIANNE Just my rotten luck. KENNETH I beg your pardon? MARRIANNE Nothing. I was talking to myself. I am having rotten luck already on this trip. KENNETH That is too bad. There is too much beauty for us all to find on this type of cruise. Bad luck should have been left behind. Can I help in some way? MARRIANNE Yes, I suppose you could, but you won't. KENNETH I don't understand. MARRIANNE You never will. You are a man. KENNETH We may be men, but we, too, have feelings. We can try. MARRIANNE Good luck. Now I have two, also. It is a tie game and the two are still the same. A tighter tie I have never seen before. KENNETH Well, I certainly can sympathize with you. Weren't you wearing a white dress before? That is why I mistook you for another lady. It was very attractive. MARRIANNE This one feels better. KENNETH It is a nice dress. White suits you better. I better go find her. Funny, though I don't even know her name. MARRIANNE Try "Marrianne". KENNETH Is that her name? MARRIANNE She is the one who wishes you were chasing her. She went that way, I think. KENNETH Thank you. I'll leave the drink here. I'll have to get a fresh one anyway. MARRIANNE Suit yourself. (Kenneth exits.) Christ, now what am I going to do. This is Emily's man and I'm falling for him, too. At least I can't hurt anyone chasing Bill. EMILY (Entering.) Has he gone? MARRIANNE Who? EMILY The kid. You were talking to him. MARRIANNE He's not that young. EMILY You're not falling for him, are you? He's not your type. MARRIANNE Is he yours? EMILY Don't be silly. He's a kid. No more than twenty-seven. MARRIANNE And you? You're not exactly the old matronly mother yourself. EMILY Old enough to know better. I'll be thirty in four years. MARRIANNE This clothes changing is fun. Let's see if we can put off the guy who's after me. He'll be back soon. (Marrianne and Emily exchange dresses again.) Who is this man you're trying to avoid? EMILY Nothing but the rottenest, most egotistical, lying snake that ever crawled on the face of the earth. MARRIANNE He must have done something to you. EMILY He did, and I will never forgive him. When I lay my hands on him, his soul will not only rot in hell, but when it's finished rotting they will dump him so far into nothingness that even he will wonder what happened. MARRIANNE He knows he's going to hell? EMILY He bloody well better. I wonder if they will have him. MARRIANNE I'm going in for some cigarettes. I won't be long. (Exits) EMILY (Emily leans on the rail, looking over, then glances up.) There is a bunch of lovers looking up at you, Moon. Little do they know what it's all about, eh? (Bill enters with a tray of caviar. He sees Emily leaning on the rail, very seductively. Puts the tray down, tiptoes up to her, puts his arms around her waist.) BILL Here I am. Your body makes my heart race, my sinews tighten and muscles bulge deep within me. Come with me into the land where love was meant to be relished forever. ( At this point, Emily moves very slowly away, very gently moves her hips away from his hands, turns slowly. Bill now, for an instant recognizes that it isn't Marrianne and shouts out:) What the hell are you doing.... (At this moment, Emily swings her hand and punches him with her fist. He reels backwards, knocking the caviar over.) My face! My Face! You broke my jaw. EMILY You, you louse. You no good, dumb, sneaky snake. Why you're not even worth spitting on. BILL That dress! I though you were someone else. EMILY No doubt you did. You snake, you worm, you sex crazed juvenile delinquent. BILL I didn't know there could be two women in the same dress. EMILY Siamese twins maybe. You'd make a pass at them too. I suppose you have two yourself. BILL My jaw! What are you talking about? EMILY I am talking about your sex habits. You not only follow me to this boat but you are clawing me every minute, trying to rape me out here on an open deck. At least have the common courtesy to do it in the John if you are deranged enough to want your kicks in public. BILL Jesus Christ, Emily, what is wrong with you. I thought you were somebody else. EMILY I'll bet you did! You knew damn well it was me. You lying bastard. BILL How could I know it was you. Your back was turned, that nice ass with no panty line on the dress. How was I supposed to know. EMILY "How was I supposed to know your nice ass!" Do you really think I am that naive. That dumb. You purposely come on the same boat as me and then all you can do is bother me, torture me, humiliate me in front of strangers. I'll have you ... BILL You'll have me what? I'll have you thrown off in the middle of the trip. Food for sharks. If they will eat it. I know I wouldn't. EMILY Insults, insults. Is that all you can say. No wonder no woman has had you in the past year. BILL Don't talk about things you know nothing about and never will understand. A man could never exist in the same room with you. You would kill him with a simple glance out of the corner of your eye. And when you actually look at a man he dies a thousand deaths. EMILY Weak, useless geeks. I still wonder what I ever saw in you. You are just plain stupid. BILL Stupid is he who stupid sees. EMILY What is that supposed to mean? BILL A reflection of you, my dear. EMILY Well, you can just reflect yourself backwards in to yourself. BILL I reflect nothing. The sun shines on me and it withers into darkness beside my radiance. (Exits) EMILY That son of a bitch has more ego than God himself. MARRIANNE (Entering.) Did he show up? EMILY No one of any importance came by. Just some jerk trying to pick me up. MARRIANNE Why do cruise boats always bring out the worst in men? EMILY Beats me. They bring out the best in me. MARRIANNE Touchy, touchy. Is the air bad or something? EMILY Sorry. I'm just a bit on edge all of a sudden. MARRIANNE It is still a very slinky dress. You won't have any problems attracting a man. EMILY It attracts the wrong type. MARRIANNE Like bees to honey. EMILY And on that sweet note I will leave you. Good night. (Exits) MARRIANNE The night is still so young. Why would she want to leave? BILL (Enters with a bowl of caviar.) Hello. MARRIANNE Hello, Bill. BILL I heard voices. MARRIANNE There is no one here. Wasn't either. BILL You've changed again. Why? MARRIANNE I didn't like the idea of the dress. BILL This one's nice too. Is it the same you had on before? MARRIANNE Yes. My favourite. BILL I got us some caviar. Here. Where did I put the champagne? MARRIANNE It is over here. Let's have a sip. BILL Good. Caviar, my dear. The finest Black sea roe. MARRIANNE Hmmm. Where is a knife? BILL I forgot. We will have to use our fingers. Do you mind? MARRIANNE Not a bit. This is fun. BILL How nice to meet a fine, respectable woman like you on a boat like this. MARRIANNE What do you mean? BILL Just that. So many women are out to have a good time with any man they can get their hands on. MARRIANNE Really? And what are the men here for? BILL Rest and relaxation. Nothing else. A fine bottle of wine, a respectable woman and a few good moments spent in heavenly bliss together. MARRIANNE You are a poet? BILL I ... dabble in it. MARRIANNE Really? Where are you published? BILL I once wrote a poem for The New Yorker. MARRIANNE That is quite an achievement. Your face still looks familiar. BILL I can't imagine why. MARRIANNE What nice champagne. And the caviar is exquisite. Mmmm. I love eating with my fingers. BILL I can't get all the little eggs off. MARRIANNE Easy. Look. You put your finger in your mouth, suck and pull your finger out slowly. Watch. BILL No fair. You've had lots of practice. MARRIANNE I don't always do this you know. BILL Shall I get some more? MARRIANNE Why not. Don't forget the Champagne. BILL I won't. (Exits) MARRIANNE What a jerk. He gets worse by the minute. A poet! He wouldn't recognize a poem if it ran up to him and hit him in the face. EMILY (Entering.) I think I shook mine off. MARRIANNE I thought you were going to bed. EMILY He was on my deck. I had to evade him. MARRIANNE What a close call. EMILY Still, he would have been a better catch than nothing for tonight. Where is yours? MARRIANNE Went out for Caviar. EMILY Again? MARRIANNE If the mouse pays, the cat plays. EMILY I had the eeriest feeling down below. Like someone was standing beside me. MARRIANNE Man or woman? EMILY Woman, I am sure. But there was no one. MARRIANNE A ghost? There are ghosts on ships you know. Dead sailors. Passengers who died on board. Lovers who didn't make the ship. All sorts of things. EMILY Don't be silly. There is no such thing as ghosts. MARRIANNE Don't be so sure. (Maureen enters from stage right, walks up to Emily and Marrianne, stands between them. They do not see her.) EMILY Well, if I come across a male one I'll send him up to you. Cabin 213. All ghosts proceed immediately to Cabin 213. MARRIANNE Ha. Ha. Let's go. EMILY What about your Champagne and Caviar? MARRIANNE I've already had my share. I'll buy you a drink at the aft bar. Far away from here. EMILY Let's go. (Marrianne and Emily exit.) BILL (Bill opens door slowly. Pokes his head around, sees all is clear, then comes out.) Here we are ... Where did she go? Marrianne! MAURREEN Well, Willie, I guess it's just you, me and the champagne. You'll have to drink my share. BILL (He doesn't see Maureen as he walks right up to her and looks right at her.) Gone. Just like a woman. I'll have to eat this on my own. (Bill looks about, stares right through Maureen. After a while, Kenneth enters.) You too? Stood up? Never mind. Have some champagne. KENNETH Thank you. BILL We will have to polish off the Caviar too. KENNETH I don't really like Caviar. BILL Neither do I. But I'm stuck with it. It gives me nightmares. C U R T A I N END ACT 1 WIFELY SPIRITS ACT 2 (The next day. On the upper deck. A breakfast buffet. Various passengers come and go getting their buffet. Marrianne is sitting at a table with her head buried in her hands, obviously in some sort of misery. Bill enters.) BILL (Entering) Good morning! A fine day, isn't it. MARRIANNE (She did not want to get up this morning!) Good morning. BILL It is a fine morning. Everything is clean and fresh. MARRIANNE Even the deck is newly washed. I broke my neck on the slippery boards. BILL Yes. It is a promising good day. What should we do? MARRIANNE Speak for yourself. I'm having my coffee then breakfast. BILL Now that is something I will truly enjoy: coffee to start the adrenaline rush. (A waiter is already pouring coffee.) Thank-you. Ah. Good. That should wake us up. I slept wonderfully last night. You know it must be the fresh air on an ocean cruise. MARRIANNE I don't doubt you one bit. It makes me sick. I wish it wasn't so early. BILL It isn't. It must be close to ten o'clock. MARRIANNE Ten o'clock! That is when I go to bed. BILL What an ungodly thought. Missing all the beauty of the new found sun. MARRIANNE If the sun wants me it can look for me and find me in my cabin. Lousy coffee. BILL I had the strangest experience last night. MARRIANNE Do tell me about it. It can't be worse than mine. BILL I dreamt that I saw my dead wife in my cabin. MARRIANNE It must have been the bump on your head. BILL Why would a bump on the head want me to see dead people. MARRIANNE You were bleeding you know. Blood does strange things to people. BILL To vampires maybe. Not real people. MARRIANNE Some of my best friends are vampires. BILL Really? I didn't know they were real things. MARRIANNE Oh, they are. They circulate among us and prey on poor unsuspecting women. BILL Let women beware. I have arrived. MARRIANNE Are you into that again? BILL And what is that supposed to mean? You are beginning to sound like someone I know. MARRIANNE Forgive me. It must be the heat and I haven't had breakfast yet. BILL Well, hurry up. It won't last long. MARRIANNE I will. When the mood strikes me. You go. BILL Good idea. Great coffee. MARRIANNE I suppose you need your own poison. I wouldn't even pour this down a sewer. Shark repellent. BILL Can I get you a plate of food? MARRIANNE I'll get my own. (Bill exits) God, what a stupid morning! Why did he have to show up. I was doing so well being miserable. EMILY (Emily enters, cautiously, covering her eyes.) Good morning. Good morning. MARRIANNE There is nothing good about it. We don't need you to spoil it with another "good morning". EMILY I was being sociable. Where's the coffee? MARRIANNE They bring it to you. Just sit down. EMILY Thank god. I don't think I could possibly ever carry it over. It is just too much. What idiot ever invented mornings anyway. It must have been a man. MARRIANNE I'm sure it was. EMILY Take him out and castrate him. MARRIANNE I would love to. EMILY I can have lots of fun without them, on my own. MARRIANNE Did you sleep well? EMILY After I left you, I had to keep dodging that boy. MARRIANNE I had a wonderful time. Sipping Champagne and eating caviar with my fingers. EMILY Did he forget his table manners? MARRIANNE He just forgot to bring the cutlery, that's all. Besides, it was a nice way to have it. Different anyway. EMILY Different to be sure. I had Scotch in the bar. Then two then three. MARRIANNE That's not so bad. Why the bad morning? EMILY I went from doubles to triples. MARRIANNE After I left? Are you really having man troubles? EMILY Three triples. MARRIANNE Ouch! EMILY What shitty coffee. Are the eggs any better? MARRIANNE I don't know. I haven't tried them. I had enough last night. EMILY Let's go get some food. MARRIANNE Finish your coffee first. You won't make it to the buffet. EMILY Oh shit! MARRIANNE What is it. EMILY The kid is there. MARRIANNE Who are you talking about? EMILY You know. The kid who kept chasing me all night. MARRIANNE Where? EMILY There. Over there. Behind the umbrella. MARRIANNE Oh yes, there. He has a much nicer body in daylight. I like his pants. Makes his buns show up nice and round. EMILY He wouldn't leave me alone. MARRIANNE I should be so lucky. Maybe you can throw some scraps out to me when you are finished. EMILY You can have him. MARRIANNE Thanks. But just in case he gets to you, leave me something worthwhile. EMILY Don't worry, I will. MARRIANNE Come, let's go. EMILY Jesus Christ! Why can't that sun just go away. (They exit.) BILL (Entering) You should go get some food. The table is set with more disgustingly good fresh food....Where did she go? Ah! A meal which would do King Henry proud. (He starts eating. A woman enters, dressed in very good, sexy resort clothes and sits down at his table. He looks up, drops his fork, jumps up and away from her.) You! You! What are you doing here! MAURREEN Why not. It is such a nice cruise. Just like the last time we were together. BILL I don't believe this! Go. Go away. I must be dreaming. MAURREEN No you are not dreaming. It really is me. BILL I am going mad, then. How can you.... MAURREEN Materialize? You needed me. You were getting in trouble. BILL I was not. I have everything under control. MAURREEN Only with my help. BILL Don't be ridiculous. I am perfectly able to take care of myself. MAURREEN Yes, of course. Look at that Emily woman. BILL What about Emily. She is a delightful person. I loved her very much. I still do, even if we did divorce. MAURREEN She almost killed you. Why if it weren't for me, she would have killed you last night. BILL Don't be silly. We were just having fun. MAURREEN Fun like that could be dangerous to your health. BILL Why do you care? MAURREEN I have always cared for you. I do feel that you must keep away from these young things that find you attractive. Why they should is quite beyond my feeble comprehension. BILL Then I should be left on my own to die with incomprehensible women. Go away. MAURREEN Not until you are perfectly happy in this world with me. BILL Ha! How can anyone ever be happy with you appearing out of the blue like this. Go. Go away. (Another couple walk by, perplexed that Bill should be talking to himself.) WOMAN The sun. Poor man. MAN Sun, be damned. It is a hangover. Disgusting. (They both exit.) BILL Satisfied. Now look at what you have done. Everyone is staring at me. Thinking I have gone mad. Talking to myself. MAURREEN They will forget you. Get rid of Emily. Wipe her out of your life. She is bad news and dangerous. BILL She is not dangerous. I love her. MARRIANNE (Entering) Who were you talking to? BILL Oh! Me? Nobody. MARRIANNE We will have a wonderful day. MAURREEN And this one? Where the hell did you pick her up? BILL I did not pick her up! There is nothing wrong with her. She is a most charming woman. MARRIANNE What was that? You will have to speak up if you want to talk to me this early. BILL I wasn't talking to you. MARRIANNE You were certainly talking to somebody. Since I am the only one here it must be with me. What was it? MAURREEN Do you expect to find true love and happiness with this slut. BILL Go away. MARRIANNE Why should I go away? BILL I wasn't talking to you. Stay. MARRIANNE You were talking to someone. MAURREEN Just look at those clothes. Why if she had any less on they would be as invisible as me. BILL You are jealous. There is nothing wrong with her clothes. MARRIANNE Whose clothes? BILL Your clothes. I like them. MARRIANNE It is nothing. MAURREEN You can say that again. She should get free admission to a nudist colony. BILL She is not nude. MARRIANNE I beg your pardon. I know I am not nude. Does this outfit bother you. I will go and change. BILL Stay where you are. That is a perfect outfit. You can leave. MARRIANNE Make up your mind. Shall I leave, stay or undress? BILL I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to her. MARRIANNE There is no one there. Are you allright? Do you have a fever? Let me check. (Marrianne bends over to him.) MAURREEN That must have been a pretty sight down there. What size is she? Thirty-six D? BILL I don't care what size her breasts are. MAURREEN That will be a first. MARRIANNE What breasts? BILL Just go away and leave me alone. MARRIANNE I am only concerned about your health. If you insist, I will go. (She starts to get up. Bill pulls her back down.) BILL You may go. MARRIANNE Now, really! Come. Go. Go. Come. You are talking in circles. This has gone too far. I will fetch you an aspirin. BILL Don't bother, aspirin won't cure this. MAURREEN Let her go. Maybe she won't come back. BILL She will come back. MARRIANNE Nobody is going and I will be back with aspirin. MAURREEN I am not going anywhere. BILL Go away. (Marrianne exits.) MAURREEN Why do you insist on my leaving? BILL I don't. I just don't want you around. Not now. EMILY (Entering.) Who were you talking to? Yourself. God you look awful all of a sudden. You're as white as a ghost. The coffee will kill you this early in the morning. BILL I was talking to ... nobody. MAURREEN Now I'm a nobody. Really, Bill. After all those years I gave you, you could at least have some respect. BILL I do have respect. EMILY I know you do. BILL Not you. EMILY Really, now. If it weren't so early I would throw you overboard. BILL Don't be so hasty. EMILY Then talk sensibly and stop pretending that you are seeing ghosts. BILL I am ... sensible. EMILY Not with me you're not. MAURREEN You seem to have a fascination with women whose names begin with M. BILL I don't have a fascination with women.... EMILY Bullshit. You always did. MAURREEN See. Even she agrees. BILL She didn't let me finish. EMILY What woman would let you finish. The way you kept chasing anything in a skirt, a dress or pants. Preferably naked. Our affair was over. Finished. Kaput. Then you have the gall to follow me on a peaceful vacation and start bothering me again. MAURREEN See what I mean? BILL No I don't. EMILY Don't what? For God's sake will you stop bouncing up and down. I have a hangover and I can't take the sun in my eyes. Sit down and be still. MAURREEN I like her. BILL I don't care if you like her or not. My affairs are my own business. EMILY I don't give a shit about your affairs either. Just keep away from me. BILL I wasn't talking to you. EMILY You are mad. Totally insane. BILL I am not. I am perfectly normal. MAURREEN It must have been something you ate last night. BILL I didn't eat anything last night. EMILY Did you drink? MAURREEN What did you drink last night? It has affected you tremendously. BILL Nothing unusual. Just the usual. EMILY Obviously too much. I thought I had too much. Oh god! There must be some law against this coffee. MAURREEN Is it really that bad? BILL The coffee is good. Why don't you try it. EMILY What do you think I've been drinking. MAURREEN You know I can't. BILL I wasn't talking to you. EMILY Who were you talking to? BILL Her. (He points at place on table.) MAURREEN Boo. Fooled you I'm not there. (Maurreen has moved behind him and strokes his hair.) You still have that beautiful head of hair. EMILY There? BILL No, behind me, now she's tickling my hair. EMILY Of course. So it's a "she". You are mad. BILL I am not mad. MAURREEN I would think you are if I were her. What's her name? BILL Emily. As if you didn't know. EMILY What didn't I know? My own name? BILL Never mind. It isn't important. MAURREEN Well! "Emily." Not too many of those in your black book. BILL I don't have a black book. EMILY Do I care? BILL Yes. I mean no. MAURREEN I like her. She is just my type. BILL I don't care if she is your type or not. Just leave. EMILY Don't get so pushy. I'll go when I'm finished eating. Sit down and be still. MAURREEN Yes, listen to her. BILL Ok. Ok. Enough of all this. If you two don't go, I will. EMILY Sit down. I will get you some fruit. Why do you keep seeing two of me? Don't you wear glasses? MAURREEN Listen to her, Willie. Listen to her. BILL I will not listen to her. I will do what I want to do. Now leave. EMILY Allright. Do you want some pineapple? (Exits.) MARRIANNE (Entering.) Are you still talking to yourself? I heard voices. BILL I was talking to both of them. MARRIANNE Here. I got you two aspirins. One for each, then. MAURREEN You'll need three. BILL I need three. MARRIANNE Three? Do you really see three? BILL Just two, now. MAURREEN But you do have three women around you night and day. BILL Not at the same time! Please I'm not into kinky sex. MARRIANNE I never said you were. MAURREEN And I know you are. BILL I am going mad! MARRIANNE There, there it's not that bad. Just too much sun. You shouldn't have eaten all that caviar. BILL I didn't eat it all. You had most of it. MAURREEN And she is normal. So don't blame it on the Caviar. BILL I didn't say it was the Caviar. I said ... MAURREEN What did you say, darling? BILL Nothing. Don't call me darling. MARRIANNE I never have. BILL Not you. Her. MARRIANNE This is getting serious. Ah here comes someone I know. (Kenneth enters.) KENNETH Good morning. It's a lovely day isn't it? Hello. We had quite a chase last night. MARRIANNE I wish you were chasing me. KENNETH Why thank you. What a nice compliment on such a nice day. BILL Jesus! A polite freak. MAURREEN What is wrong with being polite? BILL There is nothing wrong with it. I just can't stand that kind of posturing. MAURREEN What posturing? He has a naturally attractive set of buns. BILL Maureen! MARRIANNE Marrianne. BILL I know your name. I was talking to her. MARRIANNE (To Kenneth.) What do you think? I am worried. KENNETH It can't be too serious. His eyes aren't dilated. MAURREEN Doesn't that feel nice. Everyone taking care of you. If only Emily were here. Then we could have a menage a trois with two men. Is that a menage a cinque? BILL I don't care what a menage a cinque is. I want no part of it. MAURREEN How about a menage a trois, then. Maybe we could get Emily in. BILL AAAHHH. MARRIANNE I am worried about him. It is getting worse. KENNETH Nothing serious. He is not violent. MAURREEN Now see what you've done. They think you are mad. BILL I must be. KENNETH No, no, you are not violent. Just too talkative. Who are you talking to? BILL Never mind. Never mind. I'm not talking. I am perfectly normal. There is nothing wrong. I need a coffee. MAURREEN Don't drink that sewer water. MARRIANNE I will get you some. BILL Thank you. Put some liqueur in it. (Marrianne exits.) MAURREEN This early in the morning? BILL It is noon. KENNETH I know. MAURREEN Keep it up and you will have him convinced, too. You cannot go on like this. BILL I am not going on with anything. It is you who is driving me to this state. Keep away. Go away. Get out of my life. KENNETH I'm sorry, were you addressing me? BILL No. KENNETH Who were you talking to? BILL (Points just as Emily comes back.) Her. KENNETH Her? BILL No, not Emily. Her. MAURREEN Please make up your mind. I will get jealous. EMILY What are you doing here? KENNETH I couldn't find you last night, so I came looking for you. EMILY Well don't bother. I've had breakfast. MAURREEN She couldn't wake up and now that she's eaten, she doesn't want him. BILL Shut up! EMILY Do be civil, just for a change. BILL I wasn't talking to you. I was ... EMILY I know. Talking to some mysterious "her". BILL Yes. EMILY Do you still see her? (Maureen exits.) BILL Yes....No. She's gone. Thank God. It was just a dream. A nightmare. EMILY Are you sure? KENNETH Are you sure? BILL Of course I'm sure. Oh my God. It's her! EMILY (Marrianne enters.) It's just Marrianne. BILL I know. MARRIANNE I keep missing you, Emily. Have you been taking good care of my Bill. BILL You know each other? EMILY Of course. We are old friends from last night. KENNETH Hello Marrianne. Lovely day. MARRIANNE Hello Kenny. It is a lovely day. Here is your coffee, Willie. BILL Don't call me Willie! How do you two know each other? MARRIANNE We couldn't decide who wanted you more. BILL Fighting over me? EMILY Yes. BILL What about all that punching last night. You were ready to kill me. EMILY Oh that! You didn't take that seriously did you. I was just having a little fun. KENNETH Did I miss something? MAURREEN (Re enters.) I can't imagine I would have missed it. BILL You missed a real good murder on the high seas. EMILY We were still in port. BILL Were you planning on stuffing me into the engine room and dumping my body at sea! What a horrible death. MARRIANNE We just wanted to see who would get you in the end. I made my choice already. EMILY The kid? MARRIANNE The kid. BILL What are you two talking about! EMILY To the victor go the spoils! KENNETH I don't quite follow. BILL Neither do I. But who cares. I'm out of here. EMILY Where are you off to. MAURREEN (Maureen stands in front of him, very close.) Yes. Where are you off to. Just as we finally got a menage going at last. BILL Oh my God! She's back. She's back! MARRIANNE Yes, we are both here. Now what are you talking about? MAURREEN You must keep your head level and not go on like that. It is most embarrassing. BILL I don't care if it is embarrassing. You have no business here. MAURREEN Of course I do. We must have some fun. Let's play strip poker Marrianne is almost bare. Emily doesn't have far to go. I will give you all a handicap. Kenny has two buns worth ... BILL Stop! Don't take your clothes off! MARRIANNE I had no intention. EMILY Neither did I. BILL I wasn't talking to either of you. KENNETH Steady man. Don't flip out. We are at sea you know. There are no facilities here for mental cases. MARRIANNE I'm a psychiatrist. KENNETH Really? MAURREEN Really! No wonder she was so interested in you. KENNETH I have my Ph.D. in abnormal psychology. MAURREEN What a lovely couple. They should stick together. BILL Like two peas in a pod. MAURREEN Like Sodom and Gomorra. EMILY That kind of leaves me out of the picture. What do I get out of all this. MARRIANNE Well, Emily, like you said, to the victor go the spoils so you get Billy. EMILY What a prize! MAURREEN What a prize indeed! She didn't even try to lose. BILL Why should she try? EMILY Are you still having those delusions? BILL No, not a bit. I am perfectly normal. MAURREEN Normal delusions. Quite respectable. After all it isn't everyone who sees his dead wife at breakfast. BILL What? EMILY Let's do something fun. KENNETH How about a swim? MARRIANNE Oh God! We can do better than that. EMILY I know, lets have a game of strip poker on the top deck. BILL AAAAHHHH! MAURREEN It worked! It worked! MARRIANNE Count me in. KENNETH I don't know. MARRIANNE Sure. It won't be painful at all. What about you, Willie? MAURREEN Yes, what about you? You can't say no to three beautiful women. BILL No. Not on the deck. MARRIANNE Modest Bill. Let's go to my cabin. BILL 213. MARRIANNE You remembered. BILL Did you expect me to forget? MAURREEN I didn't. I still like your cabin the best, Billy. It has such a nice, big bed. BILL I sleep alone. EMILY You haven't slept alone since you were sixteen! Come, before we go down I want you to take a picture of me. By the aft rail there. Come on. (Bill and Emily exit.) MARRIANNE They make such a loving couple don't they? KENNETH Yes, they do. I envy Bill. He may be a famous actor, but he is so normal. MARRIANNE Bill is an actor? Professional? KENNETH Yes, of course. Didn't you recognize him? MARRIANNE His face looked familiar. KENNETH Sure. One of the best. MARRIANNE No wonder. I never go to the theatre. I am too busy. KENNETH You should go see what you're missing. MARRIANNE Maybe you can teach me what theatre is all about. (Screams are heard offstage. Women and men shouting. Bill reenters, shaken, white, pale as a ghost.) MARRIANNE What is wrong! What happened? Where is Emily? BILL (Waves his hand about, motioning for a drink. Ken goes out, Marrianne sits him in a chair. Fans his face with her shirt. He seems to revive. Ken reenters with a scotch. Bill drinks it.) It.... was ... awful. Awful. How could it happen? MARRIANNE How could what happen? Where's Emily? BILL Emily ... Emily ... She fell. MARRIANNE (She slaps him across the face.) Where's Emily? BILL You nearly killed me! MARRIANNE I don't give a shit about you. Where's Emily? BILL It was awful. Awful. Emily was up on the rail. I had a beautiful shot. Then ... MARRIANNE Then someone fainted and Emily went to their rescue. BILL No. Emily fainted. MARRIANNE Oh shit. You had me worried. I thought something serious happened. BILL She fainted and fell overboard. (He breaks down, puts his head in his hands and cries.) I loved that woman. MARRIANNE You poor man. KENNETH So sorry old man. Can we do anything? BILL No, nothing. She is gone. (He puts his hands on his face and sobs, lightly.) MARRIANNE (She puts his head in her breasts.) You poor man. (Emily and Maureen enter, together. They are in a deep discussion.) EMILY Really. You too? MAURREEN Yes, I drowned at sea. Fell overboard. EMILY Like me? MAURREEN Something like that. It was from the other corner, though. That is why I'm stuck on this boat forever. EMILY So you planned all this. It was your doing. MAURREEN Yes. Clever wasn't it. I had to save you from him. EMILY From Bill? How thoughtful of you. This is going to be a fun existence from now on. MARRIANNE You poor, poor man. Can I do anything for you? (He looks up at her, she doesn't see his glance.) BILL Yes. (He buries his head in her breasts again.) EMILY Look at him. The rat. MARRIANNE What is it? I'll do anything. MAURREEN You're not even cold yet and already he has his head inside another woman. BILL Anything? EMILY (Emily and Maureen walk up to Marrianne and Bill. They bend over, as if examining a body.) He'll never learn. MAURREEN No, we'll have to stick together now won't we? Our turn will come eventually. EMILY He can't live forever. I'll cut his balls off! MAURREEN Those are mine. I was first. MARRIANNE Just name it. What is it. EMILY Ok. That's fair. BILL (Bill looks up, he sees both Emily and Maureen.) AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! (Emily and Maureen jump back, Bill jumps up, speechless. Pointing.) MARRIANNE What is wrong? What's wrong Bill? BILL They're both here! C U R T A I N END